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Hitoshi Saruta Architect (2021)

CUBO design architect

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03/04/2021 11:58PM

For the past 20mins or so, lightnings have been flashing through the sky. I love rainy weather. 

i decided to write down something here after a long time. my last entry was probably something saddening. as i write at this point, alot of things are running through my mind. things i want to write down so that i can look back and remember this moment.  

a year ago i started to see the world differently. yes. the world is going through pandemic and everyone is going through a rough time. but it was something i never thought i would ever fall into. given the fact that people around me had been through it and i was there for them  - helping them through, listening to them and as much as possible, pull them back up. now i get what they mean by “you would never understand unless you go through it”. i told myself that i would never fall into that because ‘i know i can handle things’. i am ‘mature’ enough to know what i am going through and how i can get out of it. but i guess God wants me to learn something from those claims. 

it led me back to the cynical, skeptical 12-years-old euell. i was afraid to trust - form past traumas and what ive been through in school. people i knew where either bad influences or good once but would leave eventually (a life of an immigrant i guess????). all the friendships that i manage to made was short-term. maybe because of age too - we grow up and eventually know what we want. i just wanted to remove everyone from my life. and yes i fell into that pity-party room. 

i felt hopeless. i felt so pressured from the people around me. i felt useless. i felt all the feeling i shouldnt be feeling because they were all just - thoughts. what ifs were filled in my mind. the constant battle of questioning every moves i made and words i say - thinking ‘was that the right thing to do?’ ‘was that the right thing to say?’ and it would eat me up when the night come, when everything is silent. deafening silence it was. 

i began to experience fear. from the past traumas. i couldnt explain to others why i am uncomfortable. i couldnt tell them how i experienced those because then it would just lead me to feel how traumatizing everything was. thinking of it was already making me bawl my eyes out. what more trying to recall everything that had happened. 

with the pandemic happening, all my coping mechanisms was affected. to go out and free myself was the las resort but i couldnt do that. i was stuck. i didnt know how to handle it. what i was really feeling was expressed through my actions and eventually affecting my daily life. i was frustrated with myself and was constantly fighting myself. 

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02:10AM

to be continued -----

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lack of sleep = lots of thoughts

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what happened. 

i’ve been wanting to write but i just cant bring whatever i want to say into words. it has been one-kind of a ride for the year twenty-twenty. i thought i’ve gone passed through what i used to experience before. having the people around me for the past ten years or so, i didnt know what to do with all the lockdowns and such. i realized how big they played a part in diverting and preventing me to go to the edge of the cliff.

i felt empty. uncertain if decisions i made were for the good. i made the choice to walk away and stop trying because it wasnt worth it anymore - or so i thought. i set aside the feeling of emptiness, regrets and sadness as i made the decision, expecting myself to be strong enough. of course, it took a toll on me eventually.

the pessimistic and skeptical twelve-yrs old euell found herself once again at the age of twenty. the only difference this time was it was worst than before. my thoughts were eating me up and i have to pretend like it wasnt because ‘im old enough to bare this’ . being at home was one factor - i felt trapped. going out was one of my coping mechanism when everything is getting overwhelming. but i couldnt do it due do the current situation of the world. i know i’d lost it if i cant find another way to pour out whatever it is. talking was difficult. as much as i want to share it to close friends, i felt that it is invalid as everyone is going through tough time. i was just ... pathetic. 

i lost interest in everything. i tried so many different things to try to find another coping mechanism but nothing was helping. eventually, whatever was happening with me showed through my actions. sleepless nights. unmotivated. isolation. sleeeeeeeeping way too much. not eating. over eating. roller coaster of emotions. i was also taking pills which i guess made the matter worst(?). i was so tired. i really didnt want to continue. 

as if it wasnt enough, people who i thought i’d be able to keep was...removed? i dont know if thats the word. lockdowns prevented me to meet people who i really treasure. after a long time, being able to meet them once again, i was really happy. but as i grew older, i realize we choose the path we want. with that comes the people as well. i realize people who i want to keep were not on that same page anymore. they too made their own choices. and with the choices they made, i wasnt really comfortable. 

its easy to say ‘enough’ but the aftermath of it - i didnt know it was gonna be that tough. losing people before the year started then comes another one at the start of the year - i wasnt expecting to lose more during a freaking pandemic. but maybe thats just how it is. the amount of whys i had. 

losing it. it was pitch black. i knew i was crying. angry - i wasnt able to keep it to myself and solve it. scared - of how people around me would react to know what happened. worried - i didnt want my parents to see what really is my condition because i know it would affect them as well. 

but i felt a little better opening up. im thankful for my family and friends who came over. i had an awful thought of ‘i look weak to them now’. but they assured me that im not. that they are available and always there for me. that i’ll get through it. 

there will still be times where i’d lose to my thoughts and would choose to shut down. im thankful for those who understands. i just hope it wont happen again this year. that i’d be able to get this straight again. 

thankful to be alive after twenty-twenty.

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EightTwoZero ; V O L U M E || TWO 

The sky was your canvas - painting it with different colours. Waking up to a beautiful sunrise and ending it with a glorious sunset. Vibrant colours would fill up the sky along with the clouds. I find peace in it. 

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C LO U D S C A PE ; V O L U M E || ONE

to the times i felt intimitated. discouraged. underestimated. compared to. the probability of giving up was high. yet His creations gives me hope and encouragement to continue. the beauty and wonders of His creations are always new everyday. 

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Dear friend,

Rest well now.

It’s Good Friday. The sky was filled with orange hue as it gives way for the sun to rise. I couldn’t help it but stand up from my bed and capture what I was seeing from my room window. With that little show of how amazing God is, I was filled with joy and went back to bed. I browsed through my phone, still with that joy, and read through my messages.

I read it about 5 times before I understood it. How my father was asking for prayer to use him to comfort your family. I sit up and read again. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I didn’t want to. Flashbacks of memories spent together start to come to me. You’re gone.

For many years you fought hard. It was a tough battle to face and no one can understand. For that long time, you dealt with it, God knows it and I believe He made the way to stop that struggle and suffering. It may not be easy to accept but I, we, have to look to the Lord and thank Him for finally, you’re in His arms.

Know that a lot of people love you. We will miss you.

It is well, my friend. Rest well.

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a winter morning (Kodak Ektar 100)

instagram

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from my last trip for 2019.

#film photography #film #35mm film #filmisnotdead #analogphotography #kodakcolor200 #kodakcamera

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| 03:37AM 27-12-19 |

Teach me how to sleep.

Its one of those nights where my mind just cant stop running. That it keeps me awake and thinking of all possibilities that im not suppose to worry about. Nights where I reflect about how great and tragic this year, 2019, have been. The countless times i fall. Falling on the same trap because i cant and have yet to learn the form of acceptance. To accept the fact that as days passed, there is growth and there are changes. Changes wherein im not ready to face.

Friend(s), i thank you for always being there. For being 8-digits away. we may have grown apart and may not have the same view anymore but i thank God that whenever we make time for one another, we still find the love that brought us together making it possible to meet at one point and enjoy each other's company once again. The never failing support and advices whenever there is a decision to make. The words of comfort when there are situations that we cant seem to understand. The comfortable silence and impromptu meet up when we just need a friend. i thank each of you.

Ate(s). the amount of words i typed and erases just shows i have no words to describe how thankful i am. i was at the lowest point, at the border, about to cross to the other side but God is ever faithful and gave you to open my mind and soften my heart once again to go back to Him. It wouldnt be possible if you didnt let God to use each of you. Such blessing i cant explain. For the first few years of being together i've learnt alot through observing. The following years was a challenge because now, i've grown older and the learning part is over. To apply the things ive learnt from each of you. A tough journey as the time has come where the purpose is over. It was always my fear to be close to another person because I know God would place that person for a purpose and when he/she is done with it, He too would take them away, for me to grow on my own. Eventually that happened. One by one, each of you have your own ways to go to. It was hell of a ride. changes once again. one significant one just recently, got me so broken that i cant even fathom. the amount of why. how. when. what is it that i miss and didnt realize it was happening. however, i thank God that he was able to draw me to another perspective and not drown once again in the sea of anxiety. He was actually teaching me through other people's experiences. i am deeply broken but God is with me and the rest of the Ates. I may not be expressive in my actions but i love each of you and i cant wait to give back whatever you guys have given me. sooooooon.

To my parents. It has been a rough road. as we grew older, everyone starts to have our own schedule and plans. the house has become only a place to sleep. there are times where we would only see each other in church. still, you guys never fail to show that you are there to support me. i may be the one who always isolate myself when things get tough thinking that i can do it and i didnt want to add on to the things you guys are already handling. there are times where i would ask God to give back the days where it was only our family. But he would rebuke me by reminding me how the church has been a blessing. i am so thankful that i have a parents whose heart is so big. the amount of time you guys spent on others, helping, guiding, comforting. It is indeed one of the traits i want to have/learn. I pray that God would continue to bless the both of you long life and good health. I love you both.

i may not have been the best this year but i tried. i tried my best. to those whom ive only manage to spend a little time with, i hope i made an impact in life and im sorry for whatever i may have done to offend you. to new friends ive met and felt comfortable to open myself once again, i appreciate you. to the one who made me feel special for the past 2 years, im thankful. though it may not happen but im thankful that we manage to talk through it.

i dont know how to end this now. But all these are things im thankful for. 2019 is one of a kind. Let 2020 be something fresh and sweet.

| 04:28AM 27-12-19 |

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A day in the ice rink

#filmisnotdead #35mm film #film photography #film #kodak ektachrome

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Ive come to a conclusion that nothing can actually be solve. Its just acceptance and moving on.

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Would you choose to bear the burden? Or has it always been there?

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Top Shot: Visions of Fairy Lake

Top Shot features the photo with the most votes from the previous day’s Daily Dozen, 12 photos selected by the Your Shot editors. The photo our community has voted as their favorite is showcased on the @natgeoyourshot Instagram account. Click here to vote for tomorrow’s Top Shot.

“No trip to Port Renfrew would be complete without a mandatory visit to this little fir tree sprouting out of an old log on Fairy Lake,” writes Your Shot photographer BinBin Zheng. “The tree is very easy to find, just drive 300m pass the Fairy Lake campgrounds if you’re coming from Port Renfrew direction and it’ll be waiting for you just off the shore on your right-hand side. Since getting a unique shot here is pretty much impossible, I decided the head over during sunrise and was awarded with this light peeking through the clouds!” Photograph by BinBin Zheng

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#film #filmisnotdead #35mm film #film photography #grains #shadows #canon #analogphotography #fujifilm #photography

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ITS BEEN AWHILE.

I know its been sometime since I posted something. I'm here because I want to show some support for my friend (hey Bal) as she continue blogging.

AN UPDATE (?)

Im starting Year 2 next week AND IM HAVING MIXED EMOTIONS ABOUT IT.

I started with film photography last year on my 19th birthday but haven't been able to upload it here because

Im working out on my new webpage that will be a platform for all my film photos :') (sound so over achiever coz im so lazy ive not even started designig the page)

I plan to save this year too and not go on any vacation overseas and not spend too much so that next year will be the year to spend 😉 (wonderful logic)

i think thats about it...

maybe i'll post here often too...not only when im at peak of my sorrowful emotion but also when im happy.

till my next post! :)

stay happy, trust God

Euell -

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Kamusta ka na? Parang di ka naman nag-iba? 

Pero teka,  mula nung huli kitang nakita, pumayat ka ba? Kasi yung damit na binigay ko sayo, parang lumuwag ata. 

Kumusta ka? Ako kasi hindi makatulog. 

Minsan masaya pero madalas ko binabalikan yung mga panahon na una akong nahulog sayo, at sayong mga ngiti, sa mga kwento mong nakakatawa at sayong mga labi. 

Kumusta ka? Hindi pa kasi ako kumakain, gusto mo bang sumalo? 

Tara kwentuhan tayo, paghahain kita ng paborito mo yung porkchop at liempo. 

Kumusta ka? 

Ilang buwan kitang inisip, sa gabi at minsan kahit sa araw ako'y nananaginip na nandito ka, na hindi ka nagpaalam, na hindi ako pumayag na nandito lang at naiwan. 

Kumusta ka? Masaya ka ba? 

Siguro hindi mo na dapat malaman na ako, naghihintay pa. Dahil mukhang okay ka naman, hindi mo nga ako makamusta. Kapag mag-isa ka ba tumutulo din ang iyong mga luha? 

Pero kamusta ka nga? Yung totoo? 

Kung ibabalik ba ang panahon iiwan mo pa rin ba akong nakatingin sa iyong anino. Bakit hindi mo ako binigyan ng isa pang araw, isang oras? Hindi pa rin  kaya? Cge isang minuto, isang segundo. 

Kumusta ka? 

Pasensya ka na ha. Nalulungkot ako dahil hindi kita naayos, na ang sira mong puso hindi ko natagpi-tagpi ng lubos. Huwag mo naman ako tignan ng ganyan, kasi ako naman yung naubos. Tama na'to hindi mo naman kailangan sumagot. Wala naman akong karapatan maghintay o malungkot. Sana bago umalis binigyan mo naman ako ng isang lingon, at ngayong gabi dalawin mo ako sa aking panaginip at dahan-dahan mong ibulong kung kamusta ka na nga? Ikaw na pinakawalan ko, kelan mo ba makikita na pinakawalan mo rin ako. 

-BP-