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chadpetersondatingblog · 7 years

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5 Signs of Good Self-Esteem (and Why You Should Date These People)

What is self-esteem? Your self-esteem reflects the core beliefs you have about yourself. In dating, the smartest thing you can do is to find a partner who has good self-esteem. That individual likes himself; she isn’t too critical of herself; and he accepts himself as-is and works on the parts of his personality or his behaviors that cause problems for himself or others. Most of all, the reason why you should date and partner up with someone who has good self-esteem is that people with self love will treat you better than people with poorer self-esteem.

What are the signs of good self-esteem? Some of these you probably already know because they are obvious, but some may be surprising.

1. People with good self-esteem are happier and more hopeful.

There’s no doubt about it: You meet someone who sounds negative and bitter, and you can safely assume that this person is an unhappy individual. People who are happy don’t worry about bad things happening, and they work hard to see the positive side of situations instead of focusing on what’s negative.

2. People with good self-esteem treat the people around them better.

Caveat: People who treat others poorly aren’t necessarily bad, but they do have emotional issues they need to deal with. People with good self-esteem like themselves overall, so they don’t feel competitive or feel the need to put others down to make themselves feel better. Why? They already like themselves, so they don’t need to do anything negative to others in order to feel better.

3. People with good self-esteem don’t get jealous of others, especially those who are important to them.

People with good self-esteem like themselves overall. People who get jealous are the way they are because, at root, they feel like they are lacking in some way, and they get jealous of those who seem to have what they want. How does this apply on a date? If you tell your date that you just got an amazing promotion or that you had something great happen to you, the date with good self-esteem will feel nothing but happiness for you. If you tell your date the same thing but your date has low self-esteem, your date will have any of the following reactions: feel sad or depressed because the same thing didn’t happen to them; feel angry or bitter that good things never happen to them; or feel threatened or afraid that you may believe that you’re better than them. One of the most important things you can do when looking for a partner is to find someone who celebrates – and doesn’t put down or feel competitive with – all the good things that happen to you.

4. People with good self-esteem are viewed as more attractive by others.

When I work with clients on their relationship problems, I always tell them the same thing: Focus on getting yourself mentally to a place where you feel happy and relaxed, and a good date will materialize from that. So many young men and women believe that that they will find a partner when they look most attractive, but the truth is that what people are really turned on by is someone who seems at peace and who can carry on a down-to-earth conversation. The mistake so many people make is to try too hard, or to tell themselves that what others want is someone “hot” or “sexy.” Actually, what people really want is to go on a first date and feel like the conversation flows naturally, as if the two of you have known each other for years.

5. People with good self-esteem rarely talk about people critically, and they try to see the good in others.

Most people with good self-esteem don’t focus much on other people. They don’t like to put people down or be critical. The surest way to know that someone doesn’t like himself or herself is to see that person talk critically about other people. If you are on a date and he or she is critical of the waiter at the restaurant, and then later is critical about a good friend or someone else, make a point to watch their behavior from that point forward to see if this is an ongoing personality trait. The short version: If you want to be with a happy person and have that relationship last for a long time, that person is probably going to be pretty happy overall and is going to say positive things about other people. The simplest rule to remember: People who like themselves are nice when talking about others; people who don’t like themselves are critical or even cruel when talking about others.

The final message

If you have one goal when looking for a life partner, make it finding someone who has good self-esteem. Of course, we all have our own emotional issues or shortcomings we have to deal with it, but some people have better self-esteem than others. The smartest, savviest thing you can do in dating is to invest in someone who already seems to like himself or herself as-is. Trying to make a relationship work with someone who has low self-esteem is going to add many more layers of complexity than you probably want to deal with years down the road.

About the Author:

Dr. Seth is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, Psychology Today blogger, and TV guest expert. He practices in Los Angeles and treats a wide range of issues and disorders and specializes in relationships, parenting, and addiction. He has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy and is the author of Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

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chadpetersondatingblog · 7 years

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Dating Tips from a Former Sorority Girl

Hey betches. If you’ve stumbled upon this article you either 1) genuinely want to learn some useful dating tips or 2) you literally have nothing better to do than read another millennial dating article. Whatever your motivation is, I can assure you that you’ve come to the wrong place. Unless you’re looking for actual, real life-changing advice you should just leave right now.

No? Okay. Let’s move on.

Let’s get right to the point—dating sucks for everyone and trust me, no one knows how to do it. Take it from a former sorority girl, I literally had no interest in dating for the first two years of my college experience. Why waste precious time chasing one guy when you can go to a frat party and leave with whoever you want? Beats me. But whether you’re dating, into one night stands, or into a combo always abide by these three rules:

Rule #1: Don’t listen to societal standards. Why can guys hook up with as many girls as they want and be considered a stud, but when a woman does it she’s a slore? You know what, screw those double standards. Don’t think that every guy you sleep with needs to be your next boyfriend—90% of the time he certainly doesn’t think that way about you. If you really genuinely like a guy and only sleep with people you have feelings for, then that’s totally okay too. You do you and don’t worry about what anyone else has to say about it.

Rule #2: Don’t get attached and move on quickly. One thing I had an issue with early on in college was getting attached to guys. If you start seeing someone and then find out he is just not that into you, don’t waste your time and your heart. If it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be. There are plenty of other people out there that are more deserving of your heart (and body). Don’t dwell on the ones that got away, it’ll only make moving on that much harder.

Rule #3: Have fun with it. I know it’s cliché, but just have fun with it. Don’t take dating too seriously. It shouldn’t feel like a chore—dating should be something that you’re genuinely super excited to do. If you’re spending hours a day crafting that perfect text to send to someone, chances are it’s not worth it. The conversation should come naturally. A fun and natural conversation translates well over into an actual relationship. Trust me.

Now I’m no dating expert, but when I stopped caring what other people thought and started having more fun I met “the one.” Dating has a reputation for being scary, frustrating, and expensive. And yeah, it totally can be that way. But the moment you let down your boundaries and allow yourself to be who you really are is when the magic truly happens.

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chadpetersondatingblog · 7 years

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What Does It Take To Be A Better Man?

It has been a long, long couple of weeks. There’s been seemingly no end of revelations, discussions and open not-so-secrets about supposedly “good” men who’ve been turning out to be far less than they’ve claimed to be.

Each disclosure of bad behavior from people long thought to be allies seems to tip the next domino, leading to yet more revelations. In August, Joss Whedon’s ex-wife famously came forward to disclose that Whedon had been cheating on her and was, in her words, “a hypocrite preaching feminist ideals.” Not long after, it was discovered that Tim League had been quietly continuing to employ Devin Faraci after having fired him from Birth, Movies, Death. That discussion lead to the women coming forward about having been harassed or groped by Ain’t It Cool News‘ Harry Knowles.

Then, this week, Buzzfeed overturned the rocks hiding Milo Yiannopoulos and Breitbart News’ network… including several erstwhile feminist “allies” who communicated and collaborated with Yiannopoulos in secret. Meanwhile, the New York Times published it’s investigation into reports of sexual harassment and assault by movie mogul Harvey Weinstein, while similar accusations were leveled against ScreenJunkies creator Andy Signore.

Meanwhile, Brie Larsen shared her story of inappropriate behavior directed towards her by men… which then turned into a thread of having to explain why that behavior was so inappropriate.

Nope. He’s working. He’s at his job. Think of me as a customer at his job. It’s inappropriate.

— Brie Larson (@brielarson) October 6, 2017

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This confluence of events has lead a great deal of discussion on Twitter, on blogs and news organizations about just how much women could trust supposedly “good” men. And, for many men – men who want to be good – it’s a time that feels that their desire to learn and improve is hampered by the fear of doing wrong and getting attacked for it. Many, many men have written to me confused and worried about the new “rules” of being a good man or to complain about having been singled out for breaking them. They feel bewildered at having been punished for breaking a code of behavior they didn’t recognize existed. They’re hurt at the idea that they’re being tarred by the same brush as these seeming few bad actors.

These events – and the reactions that so many men are having – is why it’s important to do some introspection and contemplation. So let’s talk a little about what’s been going on, and how to be a better man.

I’m Shocked, Shocked To Find Gambling Here

The chorus of responses to these many, many revelations was almost universally the same: people were shocked and appalled to find out just how bad things were. Every. Single. Time. Yiannopoulos was coordinating with hate groups to attack GamerGate targets, outspoken feminists, women of color and random trans people? Shock. Horror. Nobody could possibly have known that things were really that bad. Harry Knowles was hitting on women who were trying to network? Shock. Horror. Why did nobody say anything? The editor at Broadly – Vice’s feminist vertical – was suggesting targets to Breitbart? Shock. Horror. How did nobody see this coming? Harvey Weinstein is a serial sexual harasser? Shock. Horror. Why did nobody say anything?

I’m honestly shocked how open a secret Weinstein’s behavior was. And nothing was done! No social shaming, no quiet censure from his board, nothing. https://t.co/7RY9Utc0TL

— Ezra Klein (@ezraklein) October 6, 2017

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But here’s the thing. People were speaking up. People were speaking up all the damn time. In fact, in many cases, people were outright shouting about all of the abuses going on. They are currently leaping up and down on Twitter, pointing at the Buzzfeed piece screaming “WE FUCKING TOLD YOU!!!”

But the people who were making all of the noise and trying to make folks aware about the abuses, the harassment and the threats? Mostly women, especially women of color and trans women.

You had staff writers, several of whom are women of color, complain about that dude. You fired him because his terribleness is now public. https://t.co/XazC1ear2M

— Evette Dionne

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chadpetersondatingblog · 7 years

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How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Breakup?

Hi guys! It’s me, Emyli—founder of Emlovz.com and America’s Dating Coach for Men. Today, I want to talk about dealing with the end of a relationship. Specifically, the aftermath of one, and your best course of action following the breakup. A lot of people want to know how long does it take to get over a breakup. It’s a question that I get asked about a lot—by both my most heartbroken clients, as well … Keep Reading

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Short Dating Profile Examples: Over 30 Fun Bios

Similar to how explaining a joke ceases to make it funny, overkill in your dating profile can suck the intrigue out or a first encounter. Too much information can come off as overbearing, leave you with a conversation void on a first date, or simply take up way too much of your time and energy. Below are over 30 short dating profile examples and ideas for some short and sweet approaches to writing your bio that will help you knock this annoying task off your list and get you swiping sooner.

Approach 1: Keep It To The Facts If you had to whittle yourself down to an elevator conversation, what would make the cut? Three to five quick and essential thoughts in your About Me will do the trick, so long as they’re memorable enough for someone to remember you.

1. Natural redhead, unnaturally good at limbo contests, hates seafood but loves goldfish crackers

2. Top 5 movies: Amelie, Se7en, Moulin Rouge, The Emperor’s New Groove, Wet Hot American Summer.

3. I have a twin brother, no he doesn’t look like me, DO NOT EVEN ASK IF WE ARE IDENTICAL.

4. My #1 vacation destination is the Minnesota State Fair, and I don’t understand why it doesn’t make more appearances on Insider.

5. I majored in art. I work as a writer. One Art Degree for sale, perfect condition, $35,000 OBO.

6. I’m afraid of heights, and I can’t swim, so let’s do some land activities.

Pick A Fave And Roll With It Is there a movie you know every line to? An album that shaped your entire adult identity? A hobby you turned into an Etsy empire? Share a quick blurb about it. Those who respond will find a huge part of your life intriguing, and that’s a great place to start.

7. All I want is someone who can sing the Elephant Love Medley Duet from Moulin Rouge with me. My sister could do it, but she always makes me be the boy.

8. You haven’t lived until you’ve tasted a bacon peanut butter chocolate malt from Five Guys. If you’d like to argue with me, I’d be HAPPY to do a taste test.

9. I know every word of the ten-season run of Friends by heart, and my next goal in life is to watch them en Español until I know Spanish.

10. What’s your favorite Jonas Brothers song and why? Mine is Good Night and Goodbye, and in the following dissertation I will explain in detail why they were the best boy band of all time. (cont.)

11. Three years ago I started a book club. We mostly read wine labels.

12. My mood is either the end of Monument Valley, or the end of Inside. Never in between.

13. Sriracha makes everything better.

Obscure References FTW If you’re not that into pleasantries and small talk, this is a great way to comb through the weeds when it comes to meaningful connections. Go with a line from a TV show that always busts your gut, a not-so-famous historical quote that you identify with, or a nod to your neighborhood’s best kept secret, and those who get the reference are automatically in the club.

14. 42

15. People tend to overlook Vince Vaughn’s most brilliant and nuanced work as “Luke Zoolander.”

16. Do you think Postmates will deliver me a plate of chicken drummies from the Nan’s menu circa 1994?

17. I’m more of a Russ than a Ross.

18. I shot first.

19. Oh to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free, silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands, with all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves; let me forget about today until tomorrow…

Lead With A Teaser Some may call this click bait, but hey, whatever opens the door to conversation… Tell a joke, but leave out the punch line, post a pic of you with a celebrity and a caption alluding to the insane story, anything that comes off as quirky or intriguing will leave people dying to chat with you.

20. I dare you to ask me what happened when I met Snoop Dogg at a wrestling event in New York City.

21. Look I’m not good at a lot of things, but I can do my make up to look exactly like Blanche Devereaux from Golden Girls, so we should go clubbing.

22. What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland?

23. I have the greatest idea for an app of all time, please inquire if you’re interested in investment opportunities.

24. A/S/L? …No I don’t want to know yours, I want you to guess mine.

25. Of all the things you could walk out of a Jonas Brothers Meet and Greet with, you wouldn’t think it would be a banana. And yet…

Let Your Social Do The Talking Your social media accounts likely give a pretty well rounded view of who you are as a person, so skipping the cheesy intros and just linking to or referencing the one you’re most active on cuts out the boring middle man. Plus it gives your potentials permission to stalk you, which, let’s be real, they were going to do anyway. At least this way, you own it.

26. Share your top pinned tweet—It’s usually the one that has gotten the most attention. Mine says “I’m tired the way old people are tired at the end of their lives.”

27. Link to your Instagram page—fire selfies and all the delicious food you could be cooking for your future partner… it’s a no-brainer.

28. Download and share a particularly good Snapchat story—Nobody wouldn’t love a 14 second snap of your roommate’s cat being a weirdo.

29. Share the results of your latest Buzzfeed quiz—In case you were wondering, based on my favorite kind of bread, Ryan Gosling is my husband.

30. Link to your list of Twitter faves—They’ll get a good sense of what makes you laugh, your political stance, or whatever it is you choose to focus on on a regular basis.

31. Share the latest Facebook-generated word cloud you made—the center of my last one was my mom’s name, which I know isn’t that appealing, but it’s a conversation starter to say the least.

You can use any of these approaches or a combination to get you started on a short, but sweet dating profile bio, but no matter which approach you take, the key is to be warm, fun, and engaging. If you can infuse some humor or an interesting talking point into your description, people are going to want to get to know you.

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chadpetersondatingblog · 7 years

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Why Women Like a Man with Confidence

Ever wonder why women find a confident man so attractive? Marni Kinrys from The Wing Girl Method explains her views about why women are attracted to confident men and why it’s so important.

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Video Transcript:

Hey, my name is Marni and from here on out I am going to be your very own Wing Girl. That means it’s my job to tell you everything you need to know about women. So you can attract, date, and get the women you want.

Confidence. How freaking annoying is that word? It’s what you constantly hear everyone telling you that women find most attractive. But what the hell does it actually mean? How does one even become confident and why is it so freaking attractive to women? Let’s tackle the last question first because that’s the most important one, right? Why is confidence so freaking attractive to women? It’s attractive because as a woman I want to be attached to the man that provides me with the highest chance of keeping me alive. Sorry, I know I just took you back to the cave days by going all biological and evolutionary on you. But, you have to think of things in that way to truly understand why women go gaga over confidence. David Buss, writer of The Evolution of Attraction or Desire, (I totally forget), a professor of evolutionary psychology, and past guest of my popular podcast, What She Wants (available on iTunes) has stated that women are most attracted to attributes that bring them closer to resources that will guarantee optimal survival. Now I know some of you trolls and bitter men out there who will be writing nasty things on my comment wall after this video will take in that information to mean that all women are just money-hungry, but I assure you that’s not what it means. Even though we are no longer living in the cave days and daily threat of death is no longer an issue, survival and surviving well is still a thing. And those around us that seemingly have attributes like good health, wealth, intelligence, social status, friendship circles, and character are people that we want to attach ourselves to.

On a non-evolutionary level, but an emotional level, women are attracted to men with confidence because we innately feel that these men will be able to take care of us no matter what happens. A confident man will know what restaurant to go to, he’ll know how to take care of us in the bedroom, he’ll know what to do if there’s danger, he’ll know how to handle my emotions, he’ll know how to take care of me, which in turn will make me want to take care of him. Simply put, confident men do. And they do it well. Being around a man who knows what to do is intoxicating.

Since we’re on a sciencey path (talking about evolution), I wanted to share something really interesting with you. There are stats from the team at Zoosk, one of the leading online dating sites. They found that men with the words, “maybe”, “sort of”, “kind of”, and “not sure” in their profile in opening messages, got 25% less attention online. These stats show that women are not only turned on by men with higher confidence, they’re actually repulsed with men with lower confidence. Which leads me to answer one of the other questions I asked at the start of this video. How do you become more confident? You become more confident by doing. Ask for her number even if she potentially could say no. Ask for a date even if you could be rejected. Go for the kiss even if you might land on her cheek. My point is to start going for it and being okay with it if things don’t go the way you want. Just doing and going for what you want when you want it is going to grow your confidence.

For more tips and exercises that will help you boost your confidence quickly and easily, go to winggirlmethod.com and check out how to become a man women want. Or, you can keep watching my videos on YouTube.

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6 Things Millennials Experience While Dating

Alright millennials, as someone who also reached young adulthood in the early 21st century, I have some dating advice to give—one millennial to another—that will help you get that special someone you really like. I’m a total romantic, so I’m all in it with all my heart and want to help you do the same. Also, I’m sick of people saying millennials are only about hookups, or that we play the field too much. Not only is it a huge myth (science proves it), but it also makes people think that the ‘new’ way to date is to date around instead of focusing on finding something real. And that’s just not true.

Do you know what you want in a relationship? Are you unsure about who you like? Not having goals for dating, isn’t going to get you what you want. But here are some things all millennials experience while dating and a few tips that may help you as you meet people, figure out what you want, and hopefully find someone who’s good for you…

Download. Delete. Redownload. Admit it, we all download and delete and re-download dating apps. Religiously. Sure you need that extra room on your phone to record and take pictures in the moment, but keeping your dating profile active and fresh keeps your name and your story in front of other people who are still in the dating game. Unless you’re in a relationship that’s gotten really serious, go ahead and keep that app active. You know you’re going to come back eventually.

Communication Breakdowns We all know communicating is so important to a relationship, but over-communicating can be too much for some people on dating apps. Why not keep some things to yourself and wait to share your hidden talent or your big secret until after you’ve developed a stronger relationship with someone?

Wardrobe Issues Even if you don’t live in a big city or aren’t the most fashionable person around, putting in a little effort into your date night outfit can go a long way. Why not bring fashion back to what it stands for? As the saying goes, “as the world revolves you, you should and shall revolve with it.”

Even if you’re dressing up in a Treasure and Bond ruffle tunic paired with a brown Vince leather skirt and a Yaro Ankle Strap Sandal by Sam Edelman, my rule is don’t be afraid to show your sense of fashion. You are your brand, and every look and every date counts. Even something small, like getting your hair done at the blow-dry bar, can make you feel even more amazing than you already are. Plus, it can give you that extra bit of confidence that makes you irresistible.

An extra tip for the guys: Let’s put our Vans and adidas away and show that special someone the real man you can be. Start off with a white button-down shirt. (This will really be the focal point of your canvas and will pull your look together when you pair it with some H&M tech stretch skinny jeans.) An important note on the skinny jeans… Do find out your true size by taking a visit to the store before you purchase them. You are your own tailor and know what looks best on your body. A pair of basic black loafers by Aldo named Ocadalle will be the perfect shoe for your date. A good black shoe can get you anywhere you need.

The Right Restaurant When you’re going on your first date I can’t tell you how important choosing the right restaurant is. We all love food, as it is a way of life like Elizabeth Gilbert says, “Eat, Pray, and ending with the big L Love.” Try choosing a restaurant without heavy oiled foods—Exhibit A: fried food. Trust me, it will save you from a disaster and also from having to chug down a green juice the next day.

Eye Contact Remember the eye contact in the movie poster for, The Fault in Our Stars? Well, that times three is what you need on a date. (No, I’m totally kidding but aren’t they so cute in that movie?) So you know where this is leading right? Things like eye contact show the other person how important they are to you. When I go on date I try not to go on my phone unless there’s a real emergency. So put it away. Or, better yet, wait for your date to use the restroom, then check you Snapchat updates, Instagram feed, and Twitter accounts. And maybe a quick check on TechCrunch if you’re into that kind of thing. It’s the best of both worlds. Am I right?

The Next Date So imagine the date is going smoothly… You were nervous, but now things are comfortable enough that you’re both asking questions and enjoying each other’s company. As a result, you find yourself connecting with this person and you dare to ask if they would like to go on another date. Show the other person you aren’t afraid to go after what you want. Speak up and tell them you would like to have brunch or another dinner with them. Most people usually text after a date and tell someone they had a good time, then ask if they would like to go on another date. But let’s approach this in a more organic way—feel free to say it in person. That way the bridge has already been crossed and you can both leave feeling confident and excited. Try saying more face-to-face and just a little less on text.

Trust me it will help build your dating game.

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop Hating Myself?

Hey Doc, long time reader, first time poster. I’m 20 years old and my MAJOR problem is that I am a badly socialized spiteful thrall of technology (or asshole) Needless to say I am disappointed by this to say the least. Shit I’m average and VERY replaceable as far as humans go. When I say very replaceable I mean I am nothing more than student droid 553471. No defining features and modesty works against me as I see myself as a machine, a tool to produce results but I HATE the entire concept of love. I wish that I could become a techpriest doc, i really do.

So anyway, the women in my town do not interest me.

Bars are OK, not a fan of the Saturday night crowd who get blitzed and start fights. Nightclubs, fuck that I went to quite a few and I dislike them immensely. I am quite out of shape and am working out at home until I can be in shape enough to do team sports (if I am to do team sports I should be in shape enough to make a fucking difference, not puking after running 5 feet. Hang out at my local game store a lot, that’s all cool and i enjoy it, not so great for women but i knew the score there. Conventions at my town fucking suck and are tiny. University, I have SUCH a hatred for communism that will be an instant deal-breaker, also computer science student so I’m at a disadvantage there. I kind of have NO idea of what to do in the real world, if that makes sense, my world is a virtual one and often I wish I could be converted into a tech-priest so I will never have to deal with flesh matters.

Seems that my decisions are powered by hate mostly, I hate communists, I hate hippies, I hate art students, I hate vegans, I support factory farming and would happily demolish a thousand forests to replace them with factories.

I also have such a low opinion of people I am constantly expecting them to stab me in the back or ruin my chances at a career just because they can. Sometimes my anger fades and I receive clarity of my thrall nature.

I genuinely expect women to pass me by and I fully expect them to only humor me to punish me later. Fuck doc, the Tropico 1 soundtrack is the only thing keeping me from thrashing around at my computer desk here.

This is not a question of ‘why don’t girls like me’, its because i’m an simmering angry negative asshole who hasn’t been socialized properly.

I know that this path will not lead to a good place. I have a limited amount of friends, no ones that can introduce me to girls as the friends I’m most active with are the weird-but-fun guys at the game store and my friends that could have led me to women I have fallen away from (moved away and laziness led me to stop talking to them).

I’m fucking 20 now doc, and that is young and I don’t know my ass from a hole in the ground. I have achieved nothing and if my hate continues I will end up far older with way more problems. Time waits for no one and even Time Lords rot.

Therapy is a darned option, I am putting this here so you will not need to.

Yours Sincerely

BalefulEye

You may have put it your letter BE, but I’m going to say it anyway: more than anything else, you need to be talking to a therapist. A therapist is going to be able to provide you with more, long term support and help you develop the skills you need to overcome your anger, than a loudmouth with a blog. The issues you have are deep and entrenched and some of them may be chemical in nature, which will require medication to alleviate. So before anything else, you need to get your ass into therapy. And I mean booking sessions with a qualified professional, not just guided exercises like MoodGym. You need to be working with someone who’ll keep you accountable and call you on your shit.

But whether you do talk therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, medication or any combination of the above… the issue isn’t that you hate other people because frankly… I don’t think you do. I think you hate yourself and that hate is directed outwards so that you push people away from you. It’s a supremely fucked up way of both protecting yourself and punishing yourself. On the one hand, by being this angry ball of hate, you keep people at a distance so they can never get close enough to hurt you. But at the same time… you’re also deliberately pushing away people who might want to help you. People who might be your friends. But you don’t believe that you deserve friends. You’re not worthy of them or of help. And so… you push them away. You put on this snarling dog persona and snap at people and say provocative things because you believe you’re a pile of shit and don’t deserve anything in your life. You know you’re miserable and that’s good because fuck you that’s why.

Part of it is that you know you’re smart. And as much as I hate to quote TV shows at people looking for advice (actually that’s a lie, I do it all the fucking time), I’m gonna quote some Rick and Morty at you. Because you know you’re intelligent. But you also use that intelligence as your excuse to justify sickness. And in this case, that sickness is the self-hate that you’re letting fester at your core. It’s really easy to come up with reasons for it. You’re smart, you should already be doing better, you should be further along, you shouldn’t be a fat lonely CS student and look at all these other fucking people thinking they’re so happy when they’ve got things you’d kill for and FUCK THEM because they’re happy and you’re not.

And here’s the really fucked up part: you’re also going to fight any changes to get better. Not just because being misery is a way of punishing yourself for your perceived and imaginary sins, but because, quite frankly, not feeling this way is fucking terrifying. It may be miserable. You may be lonely and hate yourself and wish the world would just compress into a singularity… but it’s what you know. Just like you’re terrified of the real world. The virtual world may be leaving you feeling empty and hollow – and I suspect it’s reinforcing some of your issues – but you know it. The real world, as much as you know you can’t avoid it, is scary because it has rules that you haven’t mastered, corners you haven’t explored. Here there don’t just be dragons, there be people, people you can’t just ignore, killfile, block, mute or otherwise shape into what you want.

But you know this has to change. You wouldn’t have written to me if you didn’t want to change. And to a certain extent, I think you’re asking for permission to actually start fixing things.

So while you find a therapist – and Captain Awkward has a couple great posts about doing just that – here’s what I want you to do.

First: I want you to start focusing on getting your asshole brain under control. You know the one I mean: it’s the one that’s dripping poison in your ear and telling you that you’re worthless, that people are just waiting for opportunities to hurt you and you’ll never amount to anything. You’re going to do this by simply being a bit more mindful. I know it’s trendy to recommend things like mindfulness meditation for everything and it has the patchouli stink of the hippies and vegans you hate… it’s perfect for what you want. All you want to do is simply get a handle on your brain and feel things clearly and deliberately, instead of reflexively and impulsively.

You’re just going to sit in a chair, with your back straight, your feet flat on the ground and your hands in your lap, close your eyes and breathe. All you’re going to do is pay attention to your breathing. Just focus on the sensations of your breath going in, your lungs expanding, then contracting and exhaling. This will be insanely difficult. Your brain will go off on a thousand tangents, with at least half of them saying “this is stupid, this is bullshit, what am I doing?” That’s fine. That happens to everyone. When – not if, when – it happens, note those thoughts. Literally “Ok, here’s a thought.” And once you’ve noted that you’re having thoughts… go back to focusing on your breathing. That’s all you do. Sit, close your eyes, focus and refocus on your breathing. Do this for ten minutes every day. It’ll help calm the storms in your head.

(If you’re interested in more about this, you may want to check out 10% Happier by Dan Harris.)

Second: You’re going to stop beating yourself up about where you “should” be in life or what you “ought to be” doing or any of the rest of that. You are going to excise “should” from your vocabulary. There is no “should”, there is just “is”. “Should” is a value judgement based on bullshit. “Should” is part of stealing your contentment from you. “Should” is the cudgel that you’re using to pound yourself in the nuts. You are where you are right now. There are places where you would like to be. But there is no place you should be. Your journey is uniquely your own and trying to force it to a specific timeline or itinerary is going to keep you miserable.

Third: You’re going to embrace imperfection. Right now, you’re using the idea of not being able to do something properly as the reason to not do it.

Case in point: team sports. You want to do team sports? Fine, go do team sports. Stop waiting, stop delaying and stop isolating yourself in the name of eventually joining others. You’re using the fact that you’re out of shape as an excuse to not do what you want to do, and I am here from the future to tell you that you will never reach a point where you think you’re “ready,” because being out of shape is an excuse. As soon as you’re in shape, you’ll say you can’t join because you’ve never played before so you need to learn how to play before you can joint a team. Once you learn how to play, you’ll say that you don’t know how to play with a group so now you can’t.

So fuck it. Start playing now. Except you’re going to shift your intentions. You’re not worried about “contributing” – another excuse you’re using to not do something, another flogger you use to flagellate yourself – you’re participating. Find the leagues that aren’t there for the competition but for the fun of it. It may be an amateur softball league. It may be bowling. It could be kickball. You want to find the people who are just there to have a good time, hang out with their teammates and play some games. Not only will this take the “should” out – again – but it’ll mean that you’ll get in shape faster and more efficiently. It’s far easier to stick to exercise that you actively enjoy instead of things that you have to force yourself into.

Yeah, you won’t be very good. Fuck it. The fact that you’re doing it at all is a victory. It’s proof that you can do more than your shitty, asshole brain tells you that you can. You don’t need to excel. You just need those tiny victories. Let yourself suck at it… just so long as you’re having fun and playing with people who are there to have fun. You can join the more serious teams later on when you’ve leveled up.

Fourth: You’re going to get off the computers. Remember what I said about your virtual world making things worse? This is part of it. I can hear the edgelord in your letter, and it’s pretty clear to me that you’re spending your time in corners of the Internet where people gather mostly to stew in their anger and hate. I don’t care if it’s Reddit, Voat, 4chan, Gab, Slack or just the people you follow on Twitter. The more you expose yourself to other negative, angry people, the more your own anger and self-loathing gets reinforced. The more you listen to people who tell you that you’re a worthless pile of shit, the more you believe you’re a worthless pile of shit. The more people tell you that you shouldn’t be happy… well, even if you don’t believe them, that shit sinks in and steals your joy. Cut it from your life as much as possible.

Yeah, yeah, safe spaces, snowflakes, etc. I’ve heard all of it before and frankly, those are the words thrown around by people who are literally afraid of silence. They dress their fear up as bravery and iconoclasm – I’m so tough I tell it like it is, I’m not afraid of harsh truths – because if they stop yelling for five seconds, they’ll be confronted by their own thoughts. Rolling around in anger and misery doesn’t mean that you’re smart, it means you’re in pain. Surrounding yourself with vitriol doesn’t mean you’re tough. It just means you’re hiding from yourself. You become like a shark, constantly moving and thrashing because stopping means ego-death. It means listening to all the things you’ve been trying to block out.

But here’s the thing about those safe spaces: they’re an oasis of calm. They’re a balm to your anxiety, a cool hand to a fevered forehead. They’re moments when you don’t have to have your shields up, when you’re not getting blasted by a cacophony of bullshit. And whether it’s just for a few minutes, an hour or longer… you’re calm. You’re at peace. You’re in a place where you can just be, recharge your batteries and let go of every tense muscle and relax.

So you need to dial the fuck back on where you’re spending time in your virtual world, with all of your fellow travellers who want you to be just as miserable and angry as they are. I suspect that you’ll find that some of your anger and rage subsides.

Fifth: You’re going to find something meaningful and pursue it. It doesn’t need to be practical. It just has to be something that speaks to your very soul. It could be anything – you might volunteer to walk the dogs at a pet shelter, you might plant a garden, you might take up painting or learning an instrument even if you never master it. It doesn’t matter what it is – it just has to be something you do in physical space, something that doesn’t harm anyone (including you) and that brings fulfillment to your soul. One of your issues right now is that you don’t have anything that you want or that you live for. Well now’s your chance. You’re going to start doing something – anything – that has meaning for you. What meaning? That’s up to you to decide.

Don’t know what it is? That’s fine. That means it’s time to explore and figure it out. You’ve got all the time in the world.

Sixth: This may be one of the hardest parts, but it’s also the most important. You’re going to forgive yourself.

You need to forgive yourself for all those sins that you feel are weighing you down. You need to forgive yourself for the anger that’s taken root in you and for the ways you’re disappointed in yourself. You need to forgive yourself for all the things that you feel like you should have done by now but haven’t and also for using those achievements as a yardstick to measure your “failure”. You need to forgive yourself for the pain you’ve caused yourself. You need to forgive yourself for “being average” and for the time that you feel like you’ve wasted getting here. And when you and your therapist reach your breakthroughs and you start clawing your way out of that hole – and you will get there – then you need to forgive yourself for the time that it took to finally take the steps that got you there.

I’m not going to lie to you, BE. You’ve got a lot to work through and you’re in a position that’s really fucking hard to pull yourself out from.

But I’m here to tell you: it can be done. You can do it. You have the strength. You have the courage and you have the ability. You just need to take that first step.

It’s going to be a long and hard road. It is going to suck like few things have sucked before. But the journey will be worth it and the destination even moreso.

You’re going to be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is This A Bootie Call?

When It’s Time To Ask For Help

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Long Should I Wait For Her?

How To Not Be Creepy

How To Be Happy

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Time Enough For Love

The post Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop H

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Paging Dr. NerdLove Episode #48 – What Are The Fundamentals of Flirting?

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Listen: here Direct Download: here

One of the reasons why people get confused or frustrated with flirting is that they tend to get lost in the weeds when they want to learn how to flirt with someone. We often misunderstand how flirting works or don’t know how to do it the right way.

Flirting isn’t about negging and you’re delivering backhanded “compliments” to lower somebody’s social value compared to yours and making them crave your approval. It’s not about showering someone with complements, or being sexual or getting them to think about or talk about sex. Flirting is all about the connection you build with someone and making that bond with their real, authentic self.

There’s no one way to flirt, but there are some best practices when it comes to flirting, things that are fundamental to it no matter what your personal flirting style is. So this week we’re going to talk about the do’s and don’ts that make up the best practices and core components of successful flirting.

Show Highlights:

Understanding The Four Keys to Flirting Success

The Proper Way To Utilize Flirting

Why Negging, Teasing and Bantering Can Backfire… Badly

The Value of The Unexpected

Where, When and How To Flirt

…and so much more.

Related Links:

Instant Charisma

How to Use Humor In Your Flirting

Building Physical Chemistry

Chemistry and Emotional Engagement

How To Banter (Without Being An Asshole)

Finding Your Flirting Style

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Consider becoming a Dr. NerdLove patron at http://ift.tt/2webaZd

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at http://ift.tt/2xtGDFr

F*ck Like A Gentleman (Pt. 1)

Paging Dr. NerdLove Episode #47 – How To Approach Amazing Women

Paging Dr. NerdLove Episode #36 – Finding Your Flirting Style

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Did I Throw Away Love For Sex?

Paging Dr. NerdLove Episode #33 – How To Develop Your Social Calibration

How To Be An Amazing Kisser

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How to Break Up with Someone in a Nice Way

Breaking up is hard to do. And some people may disagree with this opinion, but I’m just going to say it—sometimes, breaking up with somebody is harder than being broken up with. Being dumped is the pits, but doing the dumping has its own unique set of challenges. Primarily, that you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings. So how do you break up with someone in a nice way?

It’s tough, but it can be done. At times, it might seem like there’s no good way to break up with someone. When should you do it? Where should you do it? What should you say? But there are ways to approach it that are kinder than others. Think about it—if you were being dumped, how would you want your partner to deliver the news? Honestly, directly, and compassionately. With that in mind, here are some tips on how to break up with someone in a nice way.

Break up face to face. Ten years ago, the thought of being broken up with over the phone was horrifying. Now, thanks to the ever-increasing role that technology plays in our lives, it’s not uncommon to be broken up with over text or email. But if you want to break up with someone in a nice way, you owe it to them to do it in person. Will it require some courage on your part? Yes. Will it be more awkward than the alternative? Probably. But it’s the decent thing to do, and it will (hopefully) help them close the book on your time together with less unresolved feelings.

Choose a neutral location. A big part of the breakup is deciding where to do it. The obvious choice might seem like someone’s home or apartment, because it’s a private place where you can get emotional without worrying about onlookers. But believe it or not, breaking up in public is sometimes better than breaking up in private. A neutral location is good and doesn’t trap anyone if things get to be too much. It forces both parties to stay calm, cool, and collected. Plus, it negates the opportunity for breakup sex, which can cause your split more harm than good. Of course, some serious breakup conversations, like divorce, might be better had behind closed doors. Use your discretion for your unique circumstances.

Know what you’re going to say. And stick to your guns. You don’t have to memorize a breakup speech, but you should be able to explain why your relationship isn’t working for you anymore and why you’re ending it. Choose your words carefully and be respectful by using “I” statements that describe you and your feelings, not theirs. Instead of saying, You always do X, try saying, I need someone who can offer me Y. Your partner will probably protest and might get defensive about their behavior. But as long as you stick to talking about how you feel, it won’t turn into an argument—which is what you’re trying to avoid.

Be firm and truthful without hurting their feelings. There comes a point during every breakup when the dumpee asks: Do you think we’ll ever get back together? To alleviate hurt feelings in the moment, the dumper often replies: Maybe. If you’re breaking up with someone and they ask you those eight complicated words, it’s best not to lie to them. You don’t have to go full Taylor Swift and sing “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” in their face, but try not to get their hopes up if you know the answer is no.

Once it’s over, set boundaries. After the breakup, your feelings probably won’t turn off automatically—it’s only natural to still care about your ex. After all, the split is still fresh. You might think the nice thing to do is shoot them a text to see how they’re doing. Even though it’s a kind gesture in theory, it can actually have the opposite effect. It’s best to give your former partner some space. If you decide to stay friends, set some post-relationship ground rules so you don’t slip back into old behaviors. If you decide to part ways for good, keep yourself honest about keeping your distance.

Breakups happen. They’re never fun, but they don’t always have to be messy or hurtful. Follow these steps and hopefully your separation will be more respectful than regretful. Remember, think about how you’d want to be broken up with, and try to show the same level of courtesy to your partner. And when in doubt, take the high road.

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Dating Tips for Men from Women: Single Ladies Get Honest

What’s the best way to approach a women? What should you say? What shouldn’t you say? Do women still want you to pay on the first date? Do they still like it when you make the first move? With so many of the dynamics of how we date changing every day, sometimes it helps to get a woman’s perspective on what she thinks. That’s why we went straight to the source and asked over 3,000 women on the online dating site and app Zoosk to share their best dating tips for men from women.

From advice on how to send a first message online, to what they find the most and least attractive, these ladies let us know what they’re really looking for and what they wish men would do more often. Check out what they had to say:

Tip #1: Be who you are, not who you think she wants you to be. When you’re trying to impress someone, it can feel natural to agree with everything they say, or pretend interest in a topic you really don’t care about, but according to these women, it can backfire. When asked what men could do better, a lot of women said they loved it when men were open and honest.

“Be yourself and never lie or stretch the truth about anything. It’s not necessary and will stop someone from getting to know you or getting close to the true you. We all have imperfections and actions we’re not proud of but it makes us who we are.”

“Don’t say something to make me happy that you don’t actually mean. Know what you want and mean what you say.”

“My piece of advice for men would be to be yourself, but always put your best foot forward. You want to be your most authentic self, but keep in mind first impressions are everything.”

“Just be yourself, don’t try to be someone you’re not. If you’re nervous, we probably are too.”

“Be open and honest about who are and what you want. It’s natural to want to be friendly and accepted, but it’s more important to be who you are and not mold yourself into the person that you think your love interest wants.”

“Be honest. Be yourself. Some people like nerdy while others like sporty. Oh, and walk away if someone says they aren’t interested. There are plenty of women who will like what you have to offer, just not the one that rejected you. So let it go and move on to someone who’s better for you.”

Tip #2: Talks about your hobbies and interests. Women want to hear it. When asked what they like to talk about in their first conversation with a man, most women said hobbies or interests. Another really popular topic was simply chatting about how her day or week is going. But save religion or current events for later. Even though they’re great things to talk about once you’ve had a date or two, most women are more interested in getting to know about you in a first conversation.

Women’s Favorite Things to Talk About in a First Conversation:

36% – Hobbies/interests 20% – How my day or week is going 12% – Family 12% – Flirtatious banter 6% – Job/career or school 5% – Where/how we grew up 3% – Religion 2% – Current events 1% – Past relationships

Tip #3: Don’t move too fast. All of us, men and women, are guilty of getting too excited about a new relationship and trying to move things forward too quickly. After being asked what their best piece of advice for men was, many women stressed the importance of slowing things down. Especially during the first few dates.

“If you want a relationship to last, don’t rush into things. Realize that some women need some time to themselves away from a relationship, especially if they are used to being on their own.”

“Try to get to know her first and see if you get along in general and have common interests.”

“Keep it light at first, but be honest about your feelings.”

“Recognize that when you ask a woman out the only thing you’ve established is that you are interested in her. If you want her to say yes, you need to make it your goal to get her just as interested in you. So be kind, be understanding, and above all be yourself.”

“Don’t suffocate a woman, but let her know you’re there for her.”

“Slow your roll! You may be looking for a relationship but if your expectations are too high or if you come on too strong, it will scare a woman away. Just take it slow, be yourself, and see where it goes. Slow and steady wins the race.”

Tip #4: Women are looking for a trustworthy man but also value attraction. When asked what they value the most when looking for someone to start a relationship with, 37% of women said honesty and trust but physical attraction came in second with 22% of the vote. Other popular qualities women look for? A sense of humor and someone who values faith and family. (Which isn’t too different from what men want in a serious relationship.)

Traits Women Look for In a Serious Relationship:

37% – Honesty and trust 22% – Physical attraction 19% – A sense of humor 9% – Values faith 8% – Values family 3% – Is social and outgoing 2% – Is ambitious and career-focused 1% – Is active and sporty

Tip #5: Wondering what to say while online dating? Tell her what you like about her profile. When asked about what a man should say in an online dating first message, the most popular way to break the ice was to tell a woman what you like about her profile. After that, women said just saying hi does the trick. But be careful, even though women like it when men say hi you may have a hard time standing out if it’s all you say. After looking into the data, Zoosk found that women respond less to messages that say hi, hello, or hey.

What Women Like to See In a First Message

29% – Tell me what he likes about my profile. 23% – Just say hi. 15% – Ask a question about my profile or photos. 9% – Tell me something about himself. 9% – Ask about the hobbies or interests in my profile. 8% – Ask about my day. 4% – Anything, I don’t care what he says. 3% – Use a flirty pickup line.

Tip #6: Manners and cleanliness matters. Women brought up manners and etiquette a lot while describing the traits they desire most in a man. And, on the flip side, a lot of women said it turned them off when a man dressed sloppy for a date. What does this mean? If you’re a guy, a little extra attention to your hair, clothes, and general cleanliness can go a long way. Part of showing a woman that you care about her, is showing her that you’re putting in the effort to impress her. You don’t have to be into fashion or dressed to the nines to show a woman you’re trying for her. Sometimes all it takes is a shower, a clean shirt, and a shave.

A few specific things that turned women off:

“A man with a lack of manners, lack of etiquette, or horrible eating habits.”

“When a man talks too loud, or has bad table manners.”

“When they are rude to the staff at a restaurant.”

A few specific things that turned women on:

“A man who pulls out chairs and opens doors.”

“When a man looks and smells clean and neat.”

“When a man is calm and focused on our discussion.”

Tip #7: Wait to bring up sex. When it comes to sex, everyone is different and everyone moves at a different pace. It goes without saying that a man should never pressure or push a woman into having sex before she’s comfortable (and vise versa), but many of the women we talked to explained that men should wait for the relationship to get more serious before bringing up the subject. And they definitely shouldn’t bring it up in a first message while online dating, or in the first conversation.

“Concentrate on getting to know the woman you’re with. Make that the priority, rather than concentrating on the physical side of a relationship.” “If you want a relationship with someone be willing to build a relationship before bringing up the subject of sex. We may want sex too, but we also want to keep our self-respect and to be able to trust the man we become intimate with.”

“It turns me off when a man brings up sex in the first online or phone conversation. It’s great for some people but not for me.”

“Overly sexual flirty talk when I just meet a man, makes me uncomfortable and the wall goes right up.”

Getting physical is an important part of a romantic relationship. For some people, sex and intimacy don’t necessarily come hand in hand, so it may feel natural to have sex and discuss sex sooner. For others, intimacy and trust are a must before anything can get physical. Respect that the woman you’re with may think of sex differently than you do and adjust your behavior.

Tip #8: Be honest about what you’re looking for and when it’s not working out. There’s a reason being breadcrumbed or ghosted are things so many people have had experiences and problems with. It’s hard to tell someone you don’t like them or to be honest about things that aren’t working for you. It’s uncomfortable and it can be tempting to take the easy way out and avoid confrontation. However, the vast majority of women we talked to said they appreciate men who are honest about how they’re feeling. It’s better to know someone isn’t interested in you, then to feel hopeful about a relationship that’s never going to happen.

“Don’t string anyone along if you’re not serious. State your intentions and see if you’re looking for the same thing she is.”

“Many men lie to avoid hurting a girl’s feelings. But what they don’t get is that the truth may not be what a woman wants to hear, but the the truth only hurts once. When men lie, it hurts every time we think about the fact that they chose to lie rather than respect us and just tell the truth.” “If you’re not interested, that’s fine. But if you’ve been talking, emailing, or have maybe even had a date or two… if you want to break it off just say so.” “Don’t disappear after talking for a few weeks, even if you know it’s not working. At least give a reason, not false hope.”

Like all advice, it’s good to take all of this feedback with a grain of salt. After all, it’s good to get a woman’s perspective but it’s also good to remember that the advice is coming from one point of view. Though the advice women give is often thoughtful and honest, don’t forget to talk to your friends too. See what your family thinks. Or go to the experts. Because when it comes to dating and relationships, there isn’t one solid answer, one way to meet people, or even one approach finding the one for you. Listen to what others say, be open-minded, and consider different perspectives. Then try things out for yourself and find what works for you.

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Are there any good men left to date after 50?

Attracting Mr. Right into your life can be challenging.

The fairy tales you grew up with as a child and the romantic movies you watch as an adult paint unrealistic pictures of who men are and how they operate in the dating world.

After all, who hasn’t watched a romantic Hallmark Movie?

They’re the masters at making it seem as though chemistry and not liking each other are the secrets to finding love.

If only life were that simple, right?

I know when I first started dating, I was definitely looking for Prince Charming to just show up on my doorstep.

In my dream, he was going to sweep me off my feet.

He’d financially and emotionally take care of me forever.

Oh, and we would never argue.

Funny and so unrealistic!

The thing is, I wasn’t looking at what I was going to contribute to the relationship, only what he was going to offer.

(Tip here . . . you need to have the same qualities and values you’re looking for in a man to make it work)

For some crazy reason, I figured my presence would be enough.

Today, this scenario makes me laugh but at the time, I really believed the PERFECT MAN would just walk into my life and I’d know him the second we met.

Sound familiar?

I’ve learned a lot since then and to attract Mr. Right, I realized I had to stop letting men chose me.

My power came from having a clear vision of who Mr. Right was beyond a couple of qualities I thought were important at the time.

I had to dig deep on this and what happened is I ended up figuring out a formula called a Quality Man Template that showed me exactly who the right man was for me.

A Quality Man Template does two things for you.

It sends a message to the Universe that this is who you are looking for.

And it keeps you from getting involved with the wrong men over and over again.

Now I have a question for you.

What makes your guy the right man for you?

Is it his values?

The way he looks?

The way you feel when you’re around him?

Is it a man who can afford fine dining or expensive vacations?

Or is it what he does in life?

Does he have any of your deal breakers? (A woman settles when she doesn’t honor her deal breakers thinking a man will change)

Is he anything like the last man you dated?

Part of the reason you might be failing at finding Mr. Right is most of us get into a pattern of attracting the same man over and over again without even realizing it.

At first, he seems so amazing until the same issues you had in your last couple of relationships come back up again to haunt you.

It wasn’t until I created a patterns chart that I was able to clearly see how and why I was doing this.

Take a few minutes to think about whether you’ve been doing this too.

It’s really important because the type of men you’re most attracted to are probably the worst men for you.

Why? Because if you’re type worked, you’d be with him right now.

If you can expand beyond your usual type you’ll have far more quality men to chose from.

There is a guy out there who is right for you.

Just make sure you have a clear vision of the right man for you so you can see him.

By the way, if you’re tired of continuously dating the wrong men over and over again, let’s set up a time to talk about how a VIP Day with me can totally change your love life.

Just hit reply to this email and I’ll send you a link to my calendar. In the meantime, here’s how having a Quality Man Template changed Wendy’s love life.

Lisa’s Quality Man Template is a MUST for getting the right guy!

After trying everything from speed dating to a matchmaker, working one-on-one with Lisa was the best money I spent to find love after 50. I could always get a date, so I thought I knew what I was doing, but I’ve found her Quality Man Template is a must for navigating the dating world. She also helped me improve my profile so I have more suitable men responding, and now I can return to the template and ensure that I am dating the kind of man I truly want. I highly recommend Lisa as a dating coach! Wendy, California

Love to hear more about your clear vision of Mr. Right. Just post by clicking the button below.

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chadpetersondatingblog · 7 years

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A Letter to Those Who Hope

Hi there,

If this is the fall where you can’t quite seem to get excited about the idea of new beginnings, I’m writing this to you. You’re here, I know, because you’re holding onto hope by a tiny little thread. I get it—it seems like an impossibility that you will meet the right person, someone who will love you and someone you will love. It seems likely that your relationship status will stay as it is. After all, what’s different about now?

I have any easy time succumbing to doubt myself. In other ways, my life is going really well, maybe that’s enough, maybe I don’t get to be happily coupled as well. When I say things like this to my therapist, or to the friends who know and love me, often they laugh. Why wouldn’t it happen to you? They say. It’s just not the right time yet.

It’s so easy for me to hold hope for other people. I’m confident that my friend who is job hunting will find something great, ready at any moment to hear of long-awaited pregnancies, of a closing date on the right house, of new boyfriends, engagements, and book deals. Why is it so hard for me to believe that the very best things will happen to me?

Lately, I’ve been taking a break from hope. I’m letting other people hold it for me. I’m letting my therapist believe that love is just around the corner, letting my girlfriends look forward to dancing at my wedding, letting my family know for certain that someone is going to fall in love with my particularities and quirks.

It’s helped me to be lighter, not hoping all on my own. Maybe you should try it, too. I’ll hold some hope for you.

Maybe you’re comforted by statistics: the numbers show that most of us will eventually find partners, even if we have to wait a while.

Perhaps you prefer anecdotes. Lately, I’ve watched a few couples get together, even in my small city, where it seems like everyone is already married. There is no way of knowing where love is going to strike, and when.

But maybe you just need to hear somebody say this: you’re going to make it through. You are strong, and brave. You have what it takes. You are lovable. You are just someone’s type. You are the answers to somebody’s prayers, the one they have been waiting for. I just know it.

Believe me, I know that waiting is hard. I don’t blame you if you want to take a break from carrying the weight of hope. Pass it along to your friends, give it to your therapist if you have one. Maybe you’ll find that you’re better off without it. I’m sure that ceasing to worry will not preclude your meeting someone great. Maybe without the worry, you’ll be able to see them more clearly when their path intersects with yours.

So give up the stress, the doubts, the franticness. Embrace true hope, which is calm and self-assured. Allow yourself to believe that all is well and that everything will come right in the end, and see how it feels. Relax into the knowledge that you are loved and lovable already, as if it were a warm bath.

Don’t forget to treat yourself with kindness—make yourself something delicious to eat, wear your favorite sweater, put on your favorite song in the car, go out with friends, or go to sleep a little earlier. Remember that you are your best significant other, no matter how great a future partner might be. They might love you to the moon and back, but they will never know you as well as you know yourself. Set an example for how you should be treated. Be generous with you.

They always say that love happens when you aren’t looking for it. For many of us, this is a completely ridiculous statement. Even when I’m at my most content, I can’t trick myself into thinking that I don’t want a partner. My eyes still turn when a new guy enters the room. I can’t turn off that part of myself that wants to fall in love. Maybe you can’t either, so don’t. You won’t block love by hoping for it, by talking about it, any more than you will attract it by playing coy. When it comes, it still might manage to surprise you, how, or when, or who, but it won’t mind if you swing the door open wide, seeing it coming. For my part, I’ve left the door open with a note on the screen. Let yourself in. I’m ready, wrapped in hope.

Love,

Cara

Cara Strickland writes about food and drink, mental health, faith and being single from her home in the Pacific Northwest. She enjoys hot tea, good wine, and deep conversations. She will always want to play with your dog. Connect with her on Twitter @anxiouscook.

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chadpetersondatingblog · 7 years

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The Dos And Don’ts Of Letting Your Partner Have Your Passwords & Logins

In the age of rampant identity fraud, now more than ever, it’s become super important to keep any personal security information on the DL. Even if you’re the type of person who is super cautious with sensitive information, it can be difficult to not let horror stories involving stolen information make us all paranoid AF. But where exactly should you be drawing the line when it comes to sharing your passwords with your significant other? Should your boyfriend have your passwords?

Well, there’s obviously no right or wrong answer. On the surface, it may seem like the answer to this question simply depends on how long you and your partner have been together and how much you trust them. Unfortunately, anyone who’s been through a nasty breakup knows how quickly the tables can turn if and when you decide to part ways. When it comes down to it, a more productive question to ask yourself would be how many of your exes would you trust with sensitive information? If you’re asking me, then not many.

Although concerns about personal security vary from person to person, there are most definitely a few do’s and don’ts you should keep in mind before handing over the keys to your entire virtual life.

Do Think About The Worst Case Scenario

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I happen to think sharing access to phone and computer logins is totally fine because, assuming you don’t have anything to hide, this access is conditional. Unless you’re cohabiting the same space, then the times when your partner would be accessing these things would probably be when you are around to supervise. Also, you don’t need to get all paranoid if your partner asks for your Netflix, HBO GO, or any other login that is obviously indicative of an imminent binge-watching bender. Hell, we all know we stayed logged into that rando’s Hulu account.

But just like my mom always says, hindsight is 20/20. If you’re in relationship bliss right now, then I bet it’s probably pretty hard to imagine your partner doing something to completely psycho like logging on to your Facebook account and posting your nudes for the whole world to see. Sadly, though, this isn’t unheard of.

Before sharing the password to anything that could come back to bite you, like your social media logins, take a moment to really think about if this is someone whom you trust deeply and see yourself with for the foreseeable future. And if you were to have a nasty falling out, are they the type of person who would lash out and do something crazy? Even if you trust this person, you still may not be able to predict future situations.

Do Make Sure They Are Also Willing To Share

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If the person you’re in a relationship with is hounding you for passwords from the jump, then I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that something is definitely up. Especially if they’re at all hesitant to return the favor.

Although there’s no need to arrange a dinner to discuss each of your boundaries when it comes to personal security, I can’t think of a single reason you would want to be with anyone that hounded you about your HBO GO login, but got super stingy when you asked for their Amazon Prime Video details.

Do Change Your Passwords After A Breakup

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Like I said, breakups tend to bring out the worst in people. If, for whatever reason, you gave a soon-to-be ex access to anything that they may be able to use against you, then please please don’t forget to change those passwords STAT. Honestly, if they are the impulsive type, then I’d consider changing it before you break the news that you two are no longer an item.

Also, keep in mind that it may be a good idea to keep your primary email password to yourself, mostly because who would ever want access to your email? But also because you will definitely need access to it to change any important passwords just in case your SO does a complete 180 and tries to hi-jack your email with the hopes of locking you out of all of your other accounts, which would truly be insane.

Don’t Ever Share Passwords To Your Finances

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I can’t think of one legitimate reason your partner would ever need access to any online banking logins. Thanks to Venmo and a bunch of other really awesome money sharing apps, it’s so easy to send and receive money. If they really want to get all up in your finances — which, unless you live together, is super weird — then suggest opening up a joint bank account.

Again, unless you live together, then I have no idea why this would be necessary, but hey. However, if, for whatever reason, they ever tried to clean out your bank account or even just “borrow” money without asking, it would be almost impossible to prove that what they did was fraud because they had access to your login information. It’s also important to realize that certain accounts that may not seem “financial” are also connected to your finances. I kid you not, one of my friend’s exes logged into her Seamless account and straight up ordered roughly $400 worth of late night snacks over the course of two months. Be careful.

Don’t Share Your Facebook Password

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Now, opinions may be divided on this one, which is totally understandable. If you have nothing to hide, then why is giving your partner access to your social media account so terrible? I’ll tell you why. Because Facebook is way more public than you might think.

This is another situation where having access just doesn’t seem necessary. If you’re hanging out and your partner glances through your feed, no harm done. Again, this type of access is conditional on you being around to supervise. If you’re dating a jealous type who wants your Facebook login to police your activity, then this is pretty messed up and a red flag that they may have some serious control and/or trust issues.

Ultimately, it’s up to you whom you feel comfortable sharing personal security information with. But it never hurts to be cautious, especially in the early stages of a relationship. If someone is pressuring you about getting access to that don’t really need access to, regardless of how “good” their reason is, then it never hurts to be safe rather than sorry.

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chadpetersondatingblog · 7 years

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Guys Reveal What Having Blue Balls Really Feels Like And TBH, It Sounds Awful

I’m sure you are all wondering what blue balls feels like. Not a day goes by where I don’t stop and think about it. I’ll be having lunch, going on a hike, in the middle of a deep, meaningful conversation with my friends, doing a science experiment (?), or involved in charity work, and I’ll think, “I hope not a single man on this Earth is suffering from the pain that is blue balls today.” In fact, maybe health care should cover the pain associated with blue balls, if it does not already. I’m sure it is part of the current administration’s health care plan, though. Out with covering birth control and pre-existing conditions! Let’s cover Viagra and blue balls instead!

Anyway, because there isn’t much science or literature out there specifically surrounding “blue balls,” it’s mostly treated as an urban legend and negotiation tactic widely used since The Garden of Eden. And now, lucky for you and me, a bunch of dudes took to a Reddit thread to talk about what having blue balls actually feels like. Because there’s nothing like a bunch of bros being bros, bro-ing out and talking about their balls hurting. I love the internet.

So here are said guys revealing what having blue balls really feels like. I hope they will all be OK!

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chadpetersondatingblog · 7 years

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Here’s Exactly How To Get Over Someone Who Blames You For The Breakup

My ex blamed me for our breakup, and it got on my nerves for years. I was the one who initiated our split, but I couldn’t help that I stopped having feelings for him! It happens. However, he held a grudge over me forever, and it made our breakup not only impossible, but seemingly never-ending. There’s no rulebook on how to get over someone, especially someone who is showing anger, bitterness, or resentment toward you.

I became obsessed with him being angry with me. It was pretty much the only time I was obsessed with him in our entire relationship. The last thing I wanted was for someone to hate me or for me to get a bad reputation. Plus, I felt like this was all a bad misunderstanding. What would he have preferred? For me to have stayed with him, despite not liking him anymore? That didn’t seem fair either.

No matter what, when it comes to breaking up, someone is going to be the bad guy. And breakups are hard for the bad guy, too. So here’s how to get over someone who blames you for the breakup. Because causing someone else pain can cause you a lot of hurt as well.

1. Ask For Clarification

5 Stages Every Girl Goes Through After A Breakup [5TAGES]

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Sometimes, you get stuck in the past because the book still feels open. You need clarification, and questions still feel unanswered. It’s hard to get over someone when you still have things that you want to say.

If you want to get over someone who blames you for the breakup, then ask them for clarification. Why do they feel that way? If there’s some truth to what they’re saying, it might be time to apologize. It will help both of you move on.

2. Apologize (It’s Not What You think)

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There’s an old Hawaiian prayer (or mantra, if the word prayer makes you uncomfortable) called Ho’oponopono, meant to inspire forgiveness and moving on from your past. It’s simple, and it goes like this:

I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.

The best part of this prayer is that you don’t have to say it to anyone — you actually say it to yourself. While you want your partner or ex to forgive you for any wrongdoings you may have done to them, it’s also important that you forgive yourself so that you can get over your past relationship and move into the present.

This prayer works on multiple levels. You’re asking the universe to forgive you for hurting your partner, releasing any internal shame or guilt, and letting go of any bitterness you have toward your ex. Once the anger you have surrounding your relationship switches to gratitude and love, you’ll finally be able to move on.

3. Don’t Take On Their Hurt

Why Being Friends With Your Ex Never Works Out [Disconnected]

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While it’s important that you take responsibility for your actions, you can’t take accountability for and be in charge of regulating someone else’s emotions, especially once you are broken up. If you continue to try to take charge of your partner’s life or be the sole source of their happiness, then neither of you will be able to move on from the relationship.

It’s human instinct to want to make people feel better. We want to ease people’s pain, especially when we care about them. But it’s also important that we self-soothe. If you’re unable to nurture yourself, you can become codependent and overly attached to the people whom you’re using for support. And if your support system is an ex, especially an ex who has hurt you, it’s an unfair emotional burden to take on.

So even if you hurt your ex, you need to let them experience their hurt alone. Allow them to foster a new support system. While seeing someone in pain is never easy, it’s important for their healing process, allowing them — and you — to move forward.

4. Look Inward

Healthy Ways To Get Over A Breakup

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A big part of moving on is taking accountability for your actions. If you had bad behaviors in your relationship, then look internally and figure out the root of your actions so that you don’t do them again. We don’t want to be stuck in the same dating loop over and over, unable to get out of a bad dating rut. So breakups are a great time for introspection, as sometimes, pain can be the greatest lesson and opportunity for personal growth.

If your ex blames you for the breakup, then explore the possibility, even if it hurts. Heartbreak is hard regardless, especially when you’re the catalyst for it. Take accountability for your mistakes, apologize when necessary, and set proper boundaries so that you and your partner can both move forward. There’s a lesson in everything — even, if not especially, the stuff that hurts.

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Here’s Exactly How To Get Over Someone Who Blames You For The Breakup

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