chroniclesinlacuna

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Things I should be writing: next session for dnd, the outline for my paranormal book idea, the outline for my sci fi book idea

Things I want to write but have nothing for beyond Vibes™️: the Big Eden homage that I've had on back burner for years

#someone smack some sense into me please #please my PCs will die if I don't get this written

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For the purposes of this poll please just stick to birth names! I'd like to do another poll for names people chose themselves later in life.

#sperm donor pitched a fucking fit about making my name what it is and mom didn't want to fight him on it #then he shows up a week later and calls me something different #jokes on him that bitch is changing legally #when I get the time

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being someone’s loser boyfriend would legit be so gender affirming for me. i was meant to be a guy who sucks

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Trying to get yourself killed with the Doemenels

#I own this game. I started it. I died stupidly and haven't gone back. #But I want to. So bad. #also #Pallegina really said get 'em

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I want a house. I want a house that's mine that I can paint, decorate, and live in in a way I just can't surrounded by strangers.

And I am so fucking pissed that I work a decent job, and it's just. Not possible. It's fucking bullshit, and my boss, who I do love normally, just has no fucking clue.

#there is only one other single income person in my group #and guess what? He's renting too! Weird huh

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You wanna talk “coping” in fandom? Okay. Let’s talk about the mental health of fans of color. Let’s talk about how racism causes persistent emotional stress that negatively affects mental health. Let’s talk about how people of color who try to deny the existence and effect of racism can suffer lower self-esteem and internalized self-hatred as a result. Let’s talk about how even everyday microaggressions can pile up and cause depression, anxiety, and physical symptoms including pain and fatigue. Let’s talk about how a study of Black Americans found that distress from racial discrimination may contribute to age-related diseases like heart disease and diabetes.

Every single issue fans of color have discussed–the racist stereotypes, the fucking slavery and Holocaust AUs, the fetishization, the whitewashing, the erasure, the demonization–has been about their mental health. Every single step they have taken, from elaborate search filters to massive block lists, has been about getting some breathing space in a fandom that is relentlessly hostile to them.

So if you’re so concerned about the mental health of fans and the means they use to cope, why are you disregarding entire groups of fans who are trying to cope?

This is why it’s so disingenuous to answer discussions of fandom racism with “But what about coping?” Even leaving aside the fact that not all coping mechanisms are useful or healthy and that coping through racism is a pretty wtf proposition in itself, this response makes assumptions about mental health that are easily countered by research–that mental illness is necessarily an individual issue, and that discrimination like racism is not a significant, society-wide threat to the mental health of people affected by it. As though mental illness has a certain look that doesn’t include fans of color. As though fans who are outspoken about racism in fandom are posturing for moral high ground about an issue that harms no one. The “coping” response erases the mental health issues of fans of color, something they face all too often in real life.

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hm. Congrats to 911 on bi-Buck. They explore Eddie/Buck, I'll watch again, but still, good to see!

#911 lives rent free in my head but I got burned out very quickly on 'hey we have queer side characters! But these guys? Straight. Perfectly #Straight nothing to see here' and the 'here' is the queerest shit you've ever seen #Hawaii 5-0 did it #and I'm still pissed

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Hm. Guess it's existential crisis time. Thought I'd make it to 40 first.

#Like yes I regularly have crisises due to depression anxiety and fatigue #But uh. I'm hitting the Ill never be the man I want to be and I'll die alone phase #Yay.

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have you joined the chronic pain club today? it's not too late!

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You know, I really really hope someday that a) the testosterone actually kicks in and b) it kicks in enough that I can try growing my hair out again. I really really hope so.

#I have buzzed my hair for almost half my life #but if I could actually look like a ManTM #id like to try the long hair route again

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I just get incomprehensibly bewildered every single time I hear about commercial airline fuckups. Coming as I do from the world of naval aviation, the shit commercial airlines get up to confounds me.

Did the navy try to rush us during peak flight schedule? Yeah, course they did. And you know what we were trained to do? To tell them to go fuck themselves, because safety came FIRST. I’m serious. I always performed full inspections. I pissed off people weekly for finding flaws that made the jets unsafe to fly. I once told a guy two ranks above me “no” and stood there and refused to do the task until it was safe to do it. I made him and the pilots wait the full 5 minutes. After the jet took off, he came up to me and admitted I’d been right. Yeah, I know. You’re welcome for me refusing to do a thing I knew would catch the jet on fire with the pilots inside.

And navy jets have REDUNDANCY. They have two of everything. Learning some commercial jets only have ONE piece of equipment, a sensor that records the angle of the plane, that was connected to a computer that could override the pilot’s input and force the jet to careen towards the ground? Yeah. Terrifying.

I look at commercial aviation and go “look what you’ve done. You’ve ruined a perfectly good form of transportation.”

Anyway trains are better and if I could get where I’m going next month without flying I would.

#I work in aviation #it gave me a fear of flying #it's bad

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Everytime my mom comes over to drop off the dog, I have to cringe 'cause she kinda just looks at the mess and goes "...you did this in a week?"

And it takes everything in me not to correct her to, no, I did that in three days. Be glad it's contained to the kitchen.

#I hate cleaning I'm not good at cleaning if it can't rot I just can't make myself care #She's in this weird stage of understanding I'm mentally ill but blue screening on her need to help and knowing that she can't so. #It's just awkward

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BLADE dir. stephen norrington

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do able-bodied bodied people not understand that if disabled people call out of work every time they don't feel good that we would call out of work every fucking day?

like honestly. what do you think being disabled means?

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people struggling with fatigue (PWF): all activities drain energy, so I need to consciously decide what activities I'm going to use my limited energy on people who do not struggle with fatigue (P w/out F): have you tried going for a walk outside? I always feel energized after some exercise and fresh air PWF: that is an activity, which drains my energy P w/out F: what about taking a shower and fixing a snack? that'll give you a boost! PWF: that is an activity, which drains my energy P w/out F: so what do YOU do that gives you energy? PWF: no activities give me energy, that's what I'm saying P w/out F: no, but I mean like what do you do for activities that restore you? PWF: the only activity that can restore my energy to any extent is sleep, and that's not even reliable P w/out F: I think maybe you're sleeping too much. have you tried going for a walk outside? I always...

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also, this series is like. peak of my wish wish for a queer action movie. in my daydreams anyway. benji/ethan = awesome, ethan/william = perfect, beautiful, if I had the energy to explore further I would.

You know, everyonce in awhile I get the urge to watch MI 1-5 again, and watching them in quick succession highlights just how weird they don't let Ethan get until like halfway through 2. I love it.

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You know, everyonce in awhile I get the urge to watch MI 1-5 again, and watching them in quick succession highlights just how weird they don't let Ethan get until like halfway through 2. I love it.

#I do love this series even if I haven't seen the last ones #They got too serious for me after 5 #The entire point is that it's just this side of goofy and that Ethan is Weird #mission impossible