clingy4k - Tumblr blog

clingy4k · 2 years

Text

C!Tommy and Love, Despite, Despite, Despite: An Essay

Tommy’s entire life story on the SMP can be characterized by a lot of different things. You could see it as a coming of age story, where we watch as Tommy works his way through his teens in strenuous circumstances. You could see it as a story of abuse and the effects of it, the before and after of what Tommy undergoes during Exile. You could see it as a story of strength, of disappointment, of deterioration. You could see it as all of these. None of them are wrong. However, there is one key part of Tommy’s story that remains strong, from beginning to end. Love is what best characterizes Tommy’s story on the Dream SMP. Almost every arc has love at its core, and it is the biggest thing that shapes Tommy and his decisions.

This essay was written under the assumption that Boundless Sands was Tommy’s finale. I know that it isn’t, but for the sake of this essay, that’s what it is. To maintain my sanity, I started with the Disc War. I am sorry early SMP fans. So with that out of the way, let’s begin.

Word count: 3.2k

Tommy’s attachment to the discs is one of his first displays of extreme love toward something. He cares very deeply for the discs and finds that they bring him comfort. As time goes on, these discs become more and more important to him, which is why Dream going after them is such an issue. It really is the introduction of love as a larger theme for Tommy and Dream, and it sets the tone for the rest of their stories. Tommy fights tooth and nail to keep the discs in his possession, no matter how much the war presents issues in his day-to-day life. It would be easy to let go of the discs, to give them up and to live peacefully on his own. However, Tommy refuses to do this, not only because of his stubborn nature, but because of how much he loves the discs. As previously stated, they bring him comfort and they remind him of Tubbo, his best friend. Love is what drives Tommy to fight for his discs.

Love is also what drives Tommy to give away his discs later for L’Manberg’s independence. Despite how much the discs mean to him, Tommy is willing to part with them if it means that he and his loved ones can be free of Dream’s terror. No one asks him to do this. No one expects him to do this. Yet still, he gives away something he loves, he gives away what has essentially become a part of himself, in order to better the lives of his family. L’Manberg and the home it created is a big part of Tommy’s life, and the love he has for it is clear throughout his entire story. He grows to see it as a family, and he grows very close to Wilbur at this time, even seeing him as a brother. Tommy idolizes Wilbur a lot in this arc and really looks up to him as a leader. This is, once again, an act of love. L’Manberg provides a safe place for Tommy and Tubbo to fuck around, and the nurturing envoirment only feeds into Tommy’s love for it. Tommy dedicates himself to L’Manberg and even dies for it, not because he is asked to, not because he is pressured to, but because he genuinely loves L’Manberg and the people within it.

When Tommy and Wilbur lose L’Manberg after the elections, it is love that spares Tommy from having a complete breakdown. His love for the country and for Wilbur is what fuels him to have a positive outlook in a time of despair. He knows that if he fights hard enough, if he loves hard enough, he will be able to return to the home that he helped create and he will be able to help Wilbur get out of the state that he’s in. Tommy’s time in Pogtopia is a very big test for him because he lost the two biggest beacons of stability he had: L’Manberg and Wilbur. There are many instances of Wilbur scaring Tommy, or acting “unkind” (in Tommy’s words). Moments like, “let’s be the bad guys,” “you’re never gonna be president,” “Tubbo? He’s lying to you man!” and the pit scene are moments of extreme stress for Tommy. He understands that something is wrong with Wilbur, but he doesn’t know how to articulate that or how to help. Despite seeing his brother in this state and facing the brunt of his spiral (because Tommy is the person most available), Tommy never gives up on Wilbur. Yes, he is upset with Wilbur, is scared of Wilbur, and is, in many instances, angry with Wilbur. But this does not stop Tommy from believing that Wilbur is beyond help or saving. He sticks with Wilbur because he loves Wilbur. He believes that by saving L’Manberg, he can save Wilbur. When it is revealed that a traitor is part of Pogtopia, he refuses to believe that Wilbur is a suspect, despite seeing the button room with his own eyes and restraining Wilbur after seeing him in a suicidal state. It does not matter that all the signs pointed to Wilbur. Tommy loved Wilbur, and knew that there was goodness in him, so he absolutely refused to let Wilbur go until he was no longer given a choice in the matter (he was never given a choice, but you get what I mean). There were many points in Pogtopia where Tommy had every reason to leave, especially after the Green Festival and Wilbur’s behavior in the aftermath. He was free to go at any time. But it was his love for Wilbur and for L’Manberg that prevented Tommy from giving up.

Wilbur committing suicide on the 16th, though not a suprise for the audience, was a surprise for Tommy. As previously stated, he truly believed that if they got L’Manberg back, which they did, Wilbur would get better. Obviously, this wasn’t correct, and Tommy feels very mixed when it comes to Wilbur from now on. He feels betrayed and is suddenly isolated. He no longer knows how to view Wilbur. Idolization was easy for Tommy, but grieving was not. He understood that Wilbur was not behaving correctly, but he couldn’t bring himself to be angry with Wilbur for long periods of time, because he still loved Wilbur. It’s something that he really struggles to grapple with, how he can love someone despite being hurt by them. Tommy at this time was accustomed to black-and-white thinking, so this sudden shift was overwhelming. Despite his feelings toward Wilbur, he loves Ghostbur, who we’ll come back to during the Exile arc. Before that though, he burns down George’s house with Ranboo, and the Exile confrontation begins. Tommy believes that his friendship, or, his love for Tubbo will save him from Exile. Tommy being proven wrong on this front is something that changes his and Tubbo’s friendship forever. Even though it was proven to him before that love couldn’t save everyone, he still put his faith in it. This line of thinking is questioned even further during Exile.

Love being at the center of Tommy’s story is part of what makes Exile so horrifying. During Exile, Tommy is deprived of love and connection to other people, and this isolation is part of the reason why he attempts suicide later on. Dream has taken notice of Tommy’s love for others and for objects and uses this knowledge to abuse Tommy. He takes away Tommy’s items and blows them up in front of him because he wants Tommy to feel as if he has nothing to love. He is not allowed an outlet to feel any positive emotion. This also ensured that any item Dream gave to Tommy, like the trident, would make him have a highly emotional response, and then taking that away would create an even bigger upset. The compass Ghostbur gives to Tommy elicits this highly emotional response. Tommy considers throwing it away, but doesn’t, because he loves Tubbo, despite being Exiled by him. The beach party only further cements this feeling. Tommy is made to feel as if no one loves him. When love is a large part of what drives Tommy, this can only be a problem. On the final day of Exile, when Dream calls Tommy a bug, making him feel insignificant and like a burden, he feels most unloved. Dream had tried, and succeeded, in making Tommy believe that he was Tommy’s only friend. But by saying this, he has made it clear that he does not love, let alone care for Tommy, the way a friend should. This, along with the other instances of abuse during Exile, is what drives Tommy to attempt suicide. While on the verge of attempting, Tommy realizes that Dream is not his friend, that love is not present, that he has been starved of it for an extended period of time. But because he knows that it does not have to be this way, he wills himself to leave his Exile and to seek refuge in a place that will not only provide safety, but also love: Technoblade’s house.

Tommy’s relationship with Technoblade, though complicated near the end, was one of love in care, even if that wasn’t explicitly shown all the time. Techno made an effort to include Tommy in his plans, even if he was more of a liability than a helping hand. He let Tommy live in his house and build on his land, even if these builds were an eyesore or a clear indication that Tommy was hiding in his house. He lied right to Dream’s face to save Tommy. These are all, at their core, acts of love, and ones that Tommy responds to positively. Throughout the arc, Tommy is in a delicate state; he is in the process of learning how to live without the threat of abuse looming over his head. It is this love that aids Tommy in his journey. Ghostbur is present for both this arc and Exile, and his friendship is just as important to Tommy. Ghostbur does stir up some bouts of sadness in Tommy just because he’s also Wilbur in a way, but simply being Tommy’s friend and showing him compassion helps Tommy feel better, even in darker moments. He helps Tommy’s grieving process, in a way, by being an outlet for Tommy’s emotions. Tommy doesn’t necessarily get the answers he wants, but he gets something, and that something is taken to heart. Later on in the arc, in the Community House conflict, Tommy says that the discs were worth more than Tubbo. This, obviously, is not true, and Tommy immediately regrets it. He realizes that he does not like the person he is becoming. He does not want to be violent or defensive. He realizes that love was missing in his actions and motivations, which was part of why he was acting in such a hostile way. Tubbo and Tommy go on to apologize for what they’ve done quickly before beginning preparations for Doomsday.

Tommy does not want New L’Manberg to be blown up because it was, at one point, his home, and he knows that people will be put in danger if it’s blown up. However, the even bigger part of this is that Tommy saw Wilbur and L’Manberg as the same thing, so if L’Manberg was destroyed, Wilbur would be destroyed as well. L’Manberg was one of the last “good things” Tommy had of Wilbur, so he didn’t want to see it be ripped apart. This, again, is an example of love as one of Tommy’s motivations; he does not want to see something and someone he loves get blown up for the second time. When the event actually occurs, he argues with Techno so much not just because he disagrees with what’s going on, but because he sees Techno as his friend. He wants to reach some kind of middle ground. Him fighting to make Techno, Dream and Phil stop is an act of love toward L’Manberg and Wilbur.

The Disc War Finale, as a whole, can be characterized by love. For Tommy specifically though, this takes many forms. While fighting with Dream, Tubbo is compromised and Tommy is forced to choose between the discs (which he thought were real), and Tubbo. It is true that Tommy hesitated, and it’s definitely not one of his greatest moments. But this hesitation takes place because of the amount of stress he is under. If he gives up his discs, he’ll have Tubbo, but he will not be free from Dream’s harassment. If he lets Tubbo die, which is what Tubbo is insisting on because he knows what the stakes are, then he will be free to live in peace. Despite the offering of freedom, Tommy rejects it in favor of saving Tubbo, his best friend. Tommy gave up what he thought was the only way to be relieved from Dream’s abuse in favor of protecting his best friend. This is an act of love. Later on in the stream, when Tommy was told of Dream’s plan to kill Tubbo, he pleaded for a different option, for any other resolution, if it meant that Tubbo could live. Tommy was willing to place himself in danger, in the hands of his abuser, if it meant that Tubbo could live. I sound like a broken record at this point, but this is an act of love. After everyone on the server piles in and Tommy kicks Dream’s ass, (“Dream, put your armor in the hole” will always be iconic) Dream reveals that he has the power to revive people, and would be willing to revive Wilbur. Here, Tommy is presented with yet another deal that involves his freedom. He can either kill Dream and never have to worry about being targeted by him again, or he could keep Dream around and run that risk for even the possibility that Dream would revive Wilbur. Tommy chooses Wilbur. Time and time again, Tommy chooses Wilbur, because he loves Wilbur. They lock Dream up in prison, Tommy takes his discs, and listens to them with Tubbo while Wilbur speaks to Tommy through the mortal plain. In this moment, Tommy acts with love, and receives it as well.

The Hotel Arc is Tommy’s healing arc, and it is here where he learns how to direct the love he gives to others to himself. With Dream locked away, he has the opportunity to process his traumas and his actions, which he hadn’t been able to really do since Wilbur’s death. This process helps him reconnect with others and with himself. He gains a better understanding of how he reacts in high pressure situations, and he learns how to really live again, not just survive, without someone else watching over him. He builds the Big Innit Hotel and invites most of the server, including Techno, because he wants his hotel to be a place of refuge if things go to shit. He wanted to be there for others, even for those he wasn’t on good terms with. Obviously, this is an act of love. Tommy does a lot of introspective work at this time, and grants himself the patience to work through his issues. He allows himself to be optimistic, and he works very hard to get better. All of these are acts of love, just directed inward.

Tommy’s acts of love do not make another appearance until Wilbur’s revival because, unsurprisingly, being killed and then brought back by your abuser does not leave a lot of room for love (though this can be its own essay). Tommy is very callous toward Wilbur when he is first revived, and even says that Wilbur should be dead. Not a great start. But it doesn’t take long for Tommy to begin giving Wilbur a tour of the server. Even when Wilbur says that he never cared for L’Manberg, even when he tries to physically fight Tommy, Tommy never stops giving Wilbur the tour. This is an act of love, because Wilbur is clearly antagonizing Tommy, yet Tommy does not leave when he has every chance to do so. This, however, is unhealthy, and really marks the start of their complicated relationship post revival. This behavior only continues when Wilbur and Tommy create Paradise next to Las Nevadas. Wilbur hurts Tommy here as well by fighting with Quackity over who was the “better choice” and by practically begging Tommy to stay with him. Right before he leaves, Wilbur says, “what could go wrong in a prison?” after Tommy repeatedly stated that Dream was dangerous, and that he died in the prison because of Dream. Clearly, Tommy isn’t being treated well, and he’s aware of that fact. Yet he still decides to stick with Wilbur, even if it’s against his better judgment. He loves Wilbur and now struggles to see himself without him. Tommy staying with Wilbur is an act of love, but like last time, is an unhealthy one. This unhealthy behavior doesn’t really stop at all, and frankly, it just gets worse.

Tommy really trusts Wilbur, despite having no real reason to. This is an act of love. In the Inconsolable Differences stream, Tommy reveals that he was driven to suicide due to the abuse he endured from Dream. This in and of itself is an act of extreme love and trust. He has not told anyone about what happened to him in Exile, let alone the end result of it. The fact that he told Wilbur is an extreme display of trust. Wilbur then creates a plan to get back at Dream without telling Tommy any of the details. Wilbur just asks Tommy for the discs and to trust him. This is a huge ask. The discs are not only an attachment, but a representation of Tommy’s freedom. And Dream is a touchy, dangerous subject for Tommy. Yet still, he agrees to the plan blindly. This is another act of love. He trusts Wilbur enough to just say yes with little to no questions. Obviously, after the plan is enacted, Tommy is rightfully upset and pissed. Wilbur not only threatened to kill himself again, but he also got rid of Tommy’s discs. This is an extreme breach of trust, and Tommy digs into him. When Wilbur reveals that he didn’t get rid of the real discs, Tommy is stunned into silence. Wilbur explains that Tommy is now free, and Tommy thanks him. None of this stops Tommy from hanging out with Wilbur even more, which is a display of love, but again, it’s unhealthy. Wilbur is aware that he and Tommy are not good for one another at the moment. He knows that they are too reliant on one another, and that reliance hurts them both. He acknowledges that there is love there, but the hurt does not outweigh it. This comes to a head in their last stream together, Boundless Sands. Wilbur, purposefully vaguely, tells Tommy that he is leaving. Tommy notices that Wilbur is speaking the way that Tommy himself used to speak during Exile: vaguely, sadly, with the clear intention of death at the end of it without saying “death” specifically. This, understandably, freaks Tommy out, and when Wilbur does not let up on the vagueness, Tommy hits him with his sword. He immediately regrets this and says, “I never used to be this angry.” This is pretty much the biggest example of why they should be apart. One causes the other too much stress, and it ends with both of them getting hurt. Wilbur then drops the act and explains that he’s going to Utah. Wilbur tells him that he was L’Manberg, and that it was made to protect him. They exchange words and a book, and then Wilbur leaves. Tommy is really upset by this, but he doesn’t try to stop Wilbur from leaving. He doesn’t threaten him with violence, he doesn’t beg. He stands on the shore and watches as Wilbur rows out into the sea. Instead of fighting, he lets Wilbur go in the hope that he’ll be happier. This is the final act of love that Tommy gives to Wilbur, and it is the final act of love that is reciprocated. Tommy is a story of hope, of friendship, of attachment, of triumph, of primes. Tommy is a story of grief, of brothers, of homes, of healing, of failed pranks. But at the heart of all of it, Tommy is a story of love. It is present in almost every part of his life. By loving others and himself, Tommy learns how to live, despite, despite, despite.

#I JUST BLACKED OUT #this is fawking incredible. Yeahhhh yeah yeah yeah

242 notes · View notes