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Soulmates

You told me you didn’t believe in soulmates and then told me I was yours. What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to feel? I’m promised to another and you pull at my heart strings like harp. We share the same fears, the same loves, the same thoughts, and the same actions. What is this? I take so long to love another but with you. It was instant. Like an instinct, that I knew how I felt about you. Then I became selfish. I wanted the safety net of my other love and the pureness of ours. I am terrible person to want my cake and eat it too. Never thought I’d become this person. Never thought I’d fall in love with you. The joke is on me, for being a coward.  I understand why you wanted to step back, push me out of your life. I begged and pleaded. I wanted to be at least friends but once again I am being selfish. My heart hurts, my soul empty, with the thoughts and memories of you. The fears building me up and breaking me down every few hours. I don’t know how to move on. How do you move on from a soulmate? 

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Heart Broken

I feeling everything.

Where am I going?

A lost soul finding another.

Things are scattered.

Everyone going on as if everything is fine.

Regret filling my heart.

Selfish beyond repair.

The coward in a mask.

You, seemingly fine.

Luckily, memories we can share.

Every time we say goodbye, I am heartbroken.

#depression #heartbroken #inlove #moving forward

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Decided to sorta visualize my feelings on my zonisamide situation. In July I'll be 4 years seizure-free. I really REALLY dont want a breakthrough ruining my record.

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I was stuck, concrete walls, and a cold wet ground beneath me. When I took a breath my lungs tightened and my heart pushed against my chest. It was the darkness that was my friend in this tight spot. The soothing silence calmed my thoughts and reminded me that there was no where to go. Nothing to see. Nothing to do. Stuck in a void of cold and darkness.

Was I scared? Worried?

No. I wasn’t, the normality of my situation was incredibly mundane.

I’m not stuck by random events, I was stuck from making choices of my own.

I choose to be stuck.

Why?

If I knew I wouldn’t be writing this, you wouldn’t be reading.

Sometimes it’s easier to be stuck in the darkness than to see what is in the light.

#depression #epilepsywarrior #darkness #claustrophobia #writing #inner demons #inner thoughts #diary #epilepsy

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What does failure feel like?

I gotta say, practicing a more optimistic lifestyle has improved my attitude well but of course, I still have the little voice in the back of my mind. 

Right now it’s telling me I am a failure.

I know I am not. I did graduate college and I have a job. Maybe not in my field yet but I do have one which is a massive step... but there’s that feeling. 

I took 6 years to finish college. Why? I was diagnosed with epilepsy during the Thanksgiving break of my first year. Not only did it mentally and physically crush me but it haltered me for a short time. 

I was in denial and refused to take meds or even go to the doctor’s appointments.

I held myself back, even after the denial went away. I told myself that I couldn’t handle a job and school; that my health was important (which obviously it is).

I look back and wonder that maybe I could have done more. I see these younger people at work that are able to have social lives, go to school, and work. Why couldn’t I do that too?

Does that make me a failure?

It feels like it.

But that’s why I am looking for the good. 

My health was and still is important.

I have a disability, but that does not make me a failure or less of a person. 

I won’t let it own me.

#failure #optimistic #new outlook #conflicted #diary #epilepsy #college #growing #moving forward #denial

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Taking Baby Steps

I’m currently job hunting, which I’ll tell you what, it’s so frustrating. People have such a hard time giving bad news. When I go to interviews I won’t hear back ever.

Recently I was being interviewed at a restaurant. They told me it would be at least a week before I heard back for a second interview. A week past and I called. They said to wait another week. I did. I called again, the hiring manager apparently went on a two week long vacation so I had to wait again. I waited the two weeks and called again. Then they told me to wait. AGAIN. So I decided not to call back again. It had been a month and there was nothing they were giving me so I gave up. All of this happening in May. JUST A WEEK AGO I WAS FINALLY GIVEN AN ANSWER. Which obviously was a no, but seriously? Three months? They think people will wait three months for a hostess job?

Or maybe they didn’t want to give me bad news.

Lately I’ve been making it a point to put myself in the shoes of employers. I don’t want to blame them for not hiring me, because it’s not necessarily their fault. Sometimes it has to be me, or my skills. It’s not enough. But not in a bad way because I remind myself I have skills in areas that some people don’t

“You’ll get 100 nos before you get that yes... and that Yes will be SO worth it.”

My instructor told me this during the summer when I confided in him that I was worried about not finding job. But he believes in me like many others in my life. And for people like us. People who don’t believe in themselves. We NEED to believe in the people that believe in us.

And I know for the anime lovers out there are going to say “That’s from Gurren Lagann!” I know it :)

I’ve always loved that quote because we need to have faith. The people that feel hopeless and lost. We have people that care about us. Even if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes. They will always be there.

See you guys tomorrow. Please feel free to message me if life is getting rough. <3 

#depression #anxeity #life #faith #love #confidence #fear #worth

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A New Start

After five years of absence on Tumblr, I’ve decided to start writing again. Atleast on here. 

I deleted a lot of my original posts... I felt that it misrepresented parts of my past. Things that were written in anger, sadness, and disillusions. I had been convinced for a long time that there were outside reasons for why I was mad at the world. When in reality it was me.

I decided to start anew with this post. 

Recently I have been drowning in depression, graduation was in May and I still haven’t found a job. Things on my patreon site and Webtoons seem to be going slow and I don’t how to make things work faster.

I’ve accepted this part of my career will take many years, but with the impending doom of adulthood lingering right in front of my face I feel like I am not ready. 

Do you ever feel so lost that you can no longer understand the point of life? I feel like that constantly. I am not suicidal but I do feel like things can be pointless. I feel guilt ridden constantly. If I am gaming then I should be drawing... If I am drawing then I should be finding work. 

I am told by others that this is how it can be after college, especially for those who didn’t work, like myself. 

I am here to grow... not alone but with everyone else on here that feels lost.

#growth #back #depression #adulthood

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A Day At The Beach

“Mago, Carlos, and I dug a hole in the sand filled it up with water carried in a bucket. The hole was only big enough to put our feet into. We looked for seashells along the shore, stood at the water’s edge, and felt the sand give under us, but we didn’t go in deeper.”

              The fondest memories I have of my siblings are at the beach. Even though they’re both a lot older than I am; we still had fun. We’d go body surfing, boogie boarding, search for sand crabs and make them little sand castles homes. Something magical happens when we are the beach. We don’t argue or fight. Even once when my brother fell asleep on the ground and my sister thought it’d hilarious to make him into a mermaid out of sand. She used seaweed for the flowing gorgeous mermaid-hair. Then gathered up seashells to make his bikini top and design on his tail. He looked like a beautiful mermaid for up to three hours before waking up; he loved it.  This moment in Reyna’s life she notices that the relationship between herself and her siblings will never be the same. While I am here writing this, still in school. My brother and sister have families and careers. Sometimes, I wish that could be six again and relive those moments that I shouldn’t have taken for granted.

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My Dad

“When Papi came home, he already knew that Mago had missed school because he got a call from Burbank at work. I had never seen my father so furious. He came barging into the house and without asking for explanation, he took off his belt and gave my sister the biggest lashing any of us had gotten thus far, right there on the couch where she had been writhing in pain all day.”

              My father came from an abusive home. His mother, Iliana, is practically mental; and my Grandpa David was a smoking, drinking, gambling, hitting, cheating father to my dad and uncles. I don’t know how my father turned out so amazing. I like to imagine his life as a fairytale; but instead of Prince Charming saving the princess. The princess saved Prince Charming; the princess is my mother. My dad and I have a weird relationship. It is on the spectrum between father-daughter and best friends. It’s not that I’m a daddy’s girl; I never had that type of neediness for my father.  On the basis of friendship, he and I like the same movies, music, politics, videogames, and he was even the most understanding when it came to me and drugs. Reyna’s father is misunderstood; he wanted what was best for his children even if that meant sacrificing precious years with them. He challenged them to be the best. Although it wasn’t in the best way, the love and thoughtfulness was still there.

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"A Drug Called Tradition"

"Thomas looked around the car. Hell, he looked around the world and then poked his head into the wall of another world. A better world."

                It was my first time, I don't know what I was running from, but it must have been bad. I watched my friends crush up the bar on my kitchen table; why was I letting them do these horrible things on my mother's kitchen table? My friend looked towards me, "Well? Are you going to snort it or not? It's just xanax." Just xanax? Right, it could be worse. I could be doing coke or heroin, this is just xanax. I wasn't associated with people like this, never in my life. I had stuck to school, church and sports. Then when senior year of high school rolled around I realized, I had experienced nothing. Much like Victor and his friends I was stuck in a tiny town that was nothing but drugs and sadness. Like my sister, I wanted to experiment with drugs, it was something like I had never felt in my life. Taking that first rip from a bong was like stepping into my own world; colorful, unreal, my own. I forgot my troubles, the things that tied me so tight to this Earth. I was wiggling to get free and this was my final attempt to escape, and it worked. It made me realize how badly I wanted out. Funny isn't it? Drugs are seen to make people not want to achieve greatness, but only hoping for one more hit or drink to forget. But in reality it helped me. I wanted to be set free from my shackles in Hemet. Hell, southern California in general. I was done. That is when I stumbled onto Chico. It's interesting, how bad things in your life can have great outcomes.