collected-times

[collected-times]

06.02.2024

After I went to the psychiatric clinics I was staying at home for like 3 months. When I left I was very unstable and felt sad and depressed and I had issues with my friends. They left me a few months ago and now I am in contact with new friends who are very kind to me. I did some theraphy outside of the clinic but I still stood at home for months.

In October 2023 I had a severe mental breakdown and had to go to the emergency room and get some emergency medication for psychotic situations and sleeping since I was awake for several days. I went to my sister's apartment and slept for 7 days straight.

After that incident I slowly got better. I started to read again and met my friends and talked a lot. I kinda found a peaceful way of living. It was still hard but I got better. I also started taking the 5th antidepressant in a row and this one actually worked. It works for me since I don't feel depressed anymore - there is not a big range of emotions but at least I can live peacefully.

In December, my sister got sick. She had to go through procedures and was in a lot of pain. Since I was involved in helping her and the holidays were quite near, I got really stressed out. When Christmas was over and my sister was healing, I went to sleep. And I slept for 3 weeks straight. Idk, it was really some kind of winter hibernation.

In January I had some stage presence with my dance team and got socially active. It's a lot of fun and we're still doing this. I also wrote my first application for a new education. So life is getting slowly but for sure a little bit better.

I survived my last severe episode, I didn't feel depressed for months now and I got through the winter. One month from now, spring is coming. I'm continuing my therapy and it works. I'm single right now and this is for the better.

See y'all🤍

[collected-times]

27th june 23

So in the last couple of months I actually was in therapy at two clinics. My first stay lasted 4 weeks, then I went home for one and started another stay in another hospital at my place. Both ways of therapy have been helpful, but also really chruned my feelings and thoughts. I have got two weeks left and I kinda feel ready to leave because I think that I will have a good closing/ending of this time, but I also feel not ready since I'm not really mentally stable right now.

But the therapies have given me some good points to work on. One of them is the topic is feeling strain. I learned, that I always detect things as "stress" when they are actually psychological strain. In order of understanding this matter, I learned how to cool myself down when I'm highly under pressure/stress/strain. This was one of the most important parts. But I also learned, that I am not quite as connected to my feelings as I thought I was. Or that it's not my fault in many cases, what happend to me (eg when it comes to the relationship with my parents). So I made progress, but all this was just the beginning.

I hope to move forward in the next couple of months with my therapist outside of this clinic. I want to get into my life again with all the hobbys, exercises and people around, but one step at a time.

[collected-times]

Verlustangst - 19.06.23

Wenn du mal gehst, da fehlt mir ein ganz großes Stück.

Du bist für mich der Vater, den ich dringend gebraucht habe. Aber du bist auch Freund, Lehrer des guten Lebens, Zauberer und gibst mir Ruhe, wenn ich mit dir zusammen bin.

Du warst immer da, bei jedem Konzert, bei jedem Krankenhausaufenthalt, bei allen Feiern. Wenn wir irgendwas machen, da lädst du mich immer ein und machst rum, wenn ich dir das Geld geben will. Wenn ich dir etwas von meiner Kunst zeige, bist du der einzige, der sie richtig versteht.

Dein mit Obst gemustertes Hemd, dein Handy ohne SIM-Karte, nur um Fotos zu machen und der Jute Beutel mit frischem Gemüse, weil ihr abends immer frisch kocht.

Wenn du mal nicht mehr da bist, ist mein Papa gestorben. Wenn du mal nicht mehr da bist, fehlt der Welt ein ganz großes Licht. Wie du uns behütet hast, in schweren Zeiten bespaßt und für uns die Welt magisch gemacht hast. Danke dir dafür und ich hoffe, du weisst, wie sehr ich dich liebe.

#familie #verlustängste #verlust #mein Vater

[collected-times]

On monday I'll have a talk to the leading persons of one of the psychiatric clinics in my town. I'm quite excited, got all the papers I need and will write down few points to talk about. I'm a little worried that I might get medicated and that this will have side effects on my other meds. I want to ask them if they can control the process by taking blood exams and giving me space and time to visit my doctor if needed. I really don't want to go through another phase of these symptoms that come along with side effects since they always drain me and are bad for my heart.

But I am proud of myself that I got to make these appointments and that I get the chance to get into a more strict but helpful kind of therapy. Hopefully they see my potential but also the suffer I am living with right now and see that I need that.

[collected-times]

09th February 2023

I quitted my education. I figured out that I'm too mentally ill to continue my path for now. Bad depressive episodes are haunting me every few weeks. When this happens I start to feel drained, worthless sometimes and get these moments where I have to breathe really fast and I feel pain, my body is shaking and I have a drowning mindset. It's really frustrating. I will still continue with my new learned habits to keep them alive and I want to teach myself to spend more time with myself. This week I found a space at a therapist's and I will have a therapy in a hospital within the next few months too. I thought I might write a story about what I will experience in this time since it probably won't be the only clinic I will visit this year.

[collected-times]

21st january

It's snowing outside. I've just reached the point where I started to read the fifth book this month, I love that. This week has been very stressful and I had a lot of headaches and sensory issues. I hope I'll make it this time, it got really struggling at the same time around last year. I hope I'm mentally strong enough and capable to push through.

I'm secretly hurt by the guy I'm in love with right now. He left me last weekend without any further words and hasn't texted me the whole week through. I'm actually thinking about leaving our situationship for good, even though I will miss him a lot. But this thing causes me heartaches and also the headaches and I actually need people who are reliable and don't treat me like a second choice or as only as good as for sexy things. This sucks.

I am really overwelmed right now and sometimes sad, hurt, tired, exhausted. Then I am happy, excited, motivated, strong inside. I don't feel very confident at my space and my mood switches every day and when I get overwelmed, I feel like I get angry really quick. I want therapy so bad!!

[collected-times]

[collected-times]

17th january

The past two weeks have been both a time to relax and ease my mind and also quite struggling or challenging.

The first week I spent my time going to bookstores, buying a few books and started to read again. This kinda got my thing again, since I basically haven't been reading since like 5 years or something. When I was a kid and youth I used to read a lot and still got my bookshelves filled with beloved treasures. I lost contact to books during my high school and graduation time since we read a lot in school already. I also startes to read english novels instead of german ones, which is actually my main language. I also went out to meet family members and friends, also people I haven't seen in a long time which felt really nice. On saturday the 7th my best friend and I went to a local dance event from the sports I do and watched a lot of dancing groups performing their dances they prepared the last year. So this was all pretty fun. At the end of the week I felt really peaceful in my heart and mind, felt refreshed, mindful and also a little happy and excited for what is yet to come.

Then time passed on. I still feel strong and capable, but there have been a few things that were challenging. I went back to my educational school and was confronted with a lot of important topics which were quite overwhelming for me. Teachers wanted us to have an opionion on things we haven't really discussed yet and I had only a matter of minutes until I had to vote or speak up for certain things. I don't know, this really drained my energy last week. On the past weekend I spent some time at home doing my household tasks and some creative work. And then I went on to meet the man I love (will describe him like that since I don't mention names in here) and we wanted to have a cooking night and watch a good science fiction movie. We planned on this on tuesday and figured out that we wanted to meet on saturday evening. Yet he decided spontaneously to join a birthday party of his roommate. I have to say, when people tell me that they will make some space within a day for our time together, I expect them to appear at places around maybe 5 or 6pm so we can actually spend some time together. He also said that he will make time throughout the whole saturday and not at noon time. But this is what happend: he went to that birthday party and arrived at my place at 8.45pm, which made me quite angry. I had already bought some vegetables, planned a dinner and didn't meet with anyone else since I don't like changing my plans last minute and so I waited. I waited for 3 hours. And at the end of this he asked me if I wanted to join a party and I got really pissed because I was waiting for him so long already and surely didn't wanted to socialize with random people I don't know. So I told him and he didn't understood my feelings and had many explanations on hand. - and this was even more frustrating. When I feel something, I don't want to hear explanations because I always feel like someone is devalidating my emotions and thoughts. I want them to be recognized and maybe hear an apology. But this never happens.

So I kinda didn't had enough space in my head to actually rest on the weekend and felt very uncomfortable with that whole situation. When we finally met, we didn't really had any kind of conversation and the next day he got depressed because of some small incident. He sat on my bed looking sad for a whole amount of 2,5 hours when he finally decided to leave my place. Today is a monday and I tried to make myself an easy day, made some sketches, read, ate, llistened to music and stood at home since it's quite foggy and rainy outside. But things keep running through my mind, especially when it comes to thoughts about him. I felt abandoned, I felt worthless at some points and also like someone he just uses for physical contact. This isn't alright and I don't feel appreciated right now.

In two weeks I will have an appointment at a therapist's place and I'm really looking forward to get into a therapy agreement with that therapist. When everything turns out as I imagine it could happen that I get a therapy place within the next 4 months. I really really need that since the episodes where I also get depressed and get harming thought seem to get more and more. When they appear kore often and stay longer I figured out that it means I'm not in a good space mentally. I care about myself, already try and do a lot to make my life more comfortable, stable and everything, but there are still a lot of issues that are unsolved and I really want to get better as soon as I can.

In four weeks my internship starts and I will have to work for 6 weeks. I got into a place where disabled adults live with only a low bar of assistance and I'm really interested about what I am going to learn during this time. I think I found a good spot for that internship and feel very comfortable with the staff and the boss of the living complex. There will be more projects in my education coming ahead but I won't stress about this. Let things come with time. :)

So this was it for now, this text helped me a little bit to structure my thoughts and feelings and now I will get back to readinf my current read "conversations with friends" by Sally Rooney. Bye🤍

[collected-times]

today in the morning there was a scene/moment I want to capture cuz I feel in a certain way about it:

I was driving to school with the bus I usually take and in it there was a woman who was bullying me 10 years ago. I have met her quite few times in the recent years and figured out that she didn't change. To give some examples, she was one of the people who told me I should commit suicide, that I am worthless and ugly and so on.

I had two ways of getting out of the bus: turning left and avoid her or turning to the right where she directly sat next to the doors. I decided to go to the right and I suddenly felt that she felt really uncomfortable seeing me. I didn't react to her and I was kinda proud of myself since I have been avoiding these kind of people for many years. Let them be uncomfortable. Let them feel miserable. I didn't give them any reasons to hate me like that and if they do they not only hate me but also everything I stand for.

This made me proud of myself but it also was a moment that stood in my thoughts throughout the day. Even though it's been a decade and I've been to therapy, this was one of the worst things that ever happend to me. And I don't want to avoid no more. I want them to feel miserable. Except when they actually apologize like someone did once.

[collected-times]

idk I just had an experience which made me feel a certain way, but I've actually been talking about this topic a few times on this blog.

So my boy and I just hugged spooning and he was my little spoon. He putted my hand on his butt and he rubbed it against my waist. It kinda got into a thing where I touched parts of him I never touched and he really got into this and quietly moaned a little bit which he never does. And something inside of me got really into this too. I had to kinda rub back and I really enjoyed what we were doing. My hwart was racing fast, I started to sweat n stuff, idk. I had some theories about that. I don't think it's a kind of fetish or smth.

When I was 17 I was thinking about transitioning to male, but didn't, since the procedure would have been too much to handle for me. So I decided to 'keep' my body and just deal with the dysphoria. But I really really had a fantasy in my mind about getting a dick and it made me sure about the fact that I got a male part of my personality too. Today, I try to compromise by identifying as fluid. Both and kinda neither.

So my male personality part was kinda put away since I got to be quite feminine within the last few years. And moments like this today kinda give my inside world the possibility to sexually live out my male part. I once also was a little bit more masc, but I don't see myself there today. It's more of a mixture thing now. But he is gay and she is - as it appears right now - straight but confused cuz she used to love girls too.

I don't know these were some quite intense feelings inside of my stomache right here and it felt different.

[collected-times]

Das ist das erste Mal dass er von sich aus sagt er möchte neben mir, kuschelnd einschlafen. Langsam steigt meine Hoffnung, dass wir wieder zusammen finden🤍

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I just made up this setup. I'm a genderfluid person which means I am both, I am all at once and I am neither. These two faces are edited to its max so you probably won't recognize me in real life. I think this one explains quite well how my identity works and how much these parts mean to me. And don't mean to me at the same time.

[collected-times]

8th dec

Den Großteil des Tages und allem geht es mir eigentlich echt okay. Es ist nicht mehr okay, wenn ich merke, wie allein ich mich fühle. Oder dass ich etwas nicht geschafft habe, was ich mir fest vorgenommen habe oder was ich eigentlich machen muss. Dann breitet sich Panik in mir aus und mein Puls steigt. Das triggert sich gegenseitig hoch. Dann muss ich mal kurz zappeln oder auch einen lauteren Laut von mir geben, um diese Gefühle mal kurz raus zu lassen. Ich schreibe auch auf, was ich fühle, falls ich es für wichtig halte. Ab und an schreibe ich noch in mein "erfolge"-buch, was meine Gedanken positiver stimmen soll.

Meine Dates mit Jodie laufen nicht mehr, meine Partnerschaft mit Simon ist vorbei und ich führe eine ernsthaftere Beziehung/habe ein enges Verhältnis mit meinem Ex, für den ich nach wie vor sehr stark empfinde. Es fühlt sich richtig an, dass das alles so ist - aber andererseits ist das auch von red flags nur so umzingelt. Ich sollte nicht die wegstoßen, die ernsthaft an mir interessiert sind. Und doch verbringe ich am meisten Zeit mit dem Mann, der mir ganz klar gesagt hat, dass er nicht mit mir zusammen sein will. Und ist es doch, nimmt meinen Otter mit in die Klinik, nimmt bei jedem Kuss mein Gesicht in seine Hände, behandelt mich begehrenswert und geliebt. Es ist so bittersweet, weil ich weiss dass es entweder mit einem Zusammenschluss oder einem Schlussstrich enden wird.. Oder weiter geht? Für mich könnte es immer weiter gehen. Für mich ist es nie genug. Keine Zeit ist lang genug, ein Kuss viel zu flüchtig und die Zeit die ich an seiner Seite schlafen kann immer zu kurz.

[collected-times]

2nd dec 2022

So today I went to his place and he packed his bag for his stay in the local psychiatric clinic. As it seems he will now be gone for 2 up to 3 months maybe and we wont be able to celebrate his birthday, christmas and nye together. But we figured out that I can visit him and I said I will bring good coffee every time.

When he packed his personal belongings, he took a picture of his best friends, a calendar of his nieces and nephews and he also took a figure of an otter with him I just gave him. So basically I'm part of his personal belongings he take with him in a hard time. Idk, this meant something to me

[collected-times]

urgh i'm crushin so hard on him 🥺

[collected-times]

24.11.

Heute habe ich dir ein Geschenk gemacht. Ich hab ein Reel gesehen, da war ein Mann der traurig war dass er keine Freundin hat - pov war, dass er eine neue Freundin gefunden hat und sie mit ihm Star Wars schaut & Lego baut. Ich musste dabei direkt an dich denken, "ja, so einen hab ich auch!". Also bin ich zum Spielwarenladen und hab ein Lego Set gekauft, um dich zu überraschen. Du hast dich sehr gefreut, als du das Geschenk ausgepackt hast, das war schön. Auch Star Wars haben wir geschaut. Es gab auch Snacks, weil ich weiss, wie gerne du Snacks hast. In den nächsten Tagen schenke ich dir noch eine Otter-Spielfigur, weil das dein Lieblingstier ist.

Ich wollte dich einfach aufmuntern, du warst so traurig und antriebslos in den letzten paar Wochen. Es gab Momente, da habe ich deine traurigen Augen gesehen und es schmerzte so sehr, dich so zu sehen. Ich wollte dir einfach ein kleines Licht schenken.

Es wurde, als wir ein bisschen rumknutschten, etwas zu spät für dich. Du verpasstest deinen Bus, wurdest etwas wütend. Deine Gefühle gingen auf mich über und ich hatte das Bedürfnis, mich zu bestrafen. Weil ich mich nicht unter Kontrolle habe, weil ich dich von deinem Heimweg abhalte. Insgeheim halte ich dich ab, weil ich dich nicht gehen lassen will. Weil wenn ich mit dir zusammen bin, die einzige Zeit ist in der ich mich nicht komplett scheisse fühle. Das ist egoistisch und ich gehe eher meinen Gefühlen nach. In letzter Zeit ist mein Kopf darauf aus, mich danach zu bestrafen: gedanklich, aber auch physisch. Du hast kurz Abstand genommen und bist dann wieder zurück gekommen, hast dich zu mir gesetzt. Ich sagte dir, dass es einfach zu schön war, mal etwas anderes zu fühlen. Ich spürte, wie mir dieser Satz die Kehle zuschnürte, ich bin es nicht mehr gewohnt, dir einfach meine Gefühle mitzuteilen. Du hast gemerkt, was das mit mir machte. Da hast du mein Gesicht in deine Hände genommen, mich an dich ran gezogen und geküsst. Und hast mich ganz lange geküsst, hast unmerklich die pasr Tränen weggewischt, die meine Wange runterkullerten.

Es ist komisch, neulich, als ich einen dunklen Moment hatte und ebenso den Gedanken an Selbstmord, habe ich meine ehrlichen Gefühle für dich ausgesprochen: dass ich dich liebe, bis zum Tod und darüber hinaus. Dass du mir unglaublich fehlst. Dass du nicht mit mir zusammen sein willst, sonst wärst du es. Das hat mir Stöße in mein Herz versetzt, das war so schmerzhaft. Und selbst wenn du es nicht gehört hast, ich musste es aussprechen. Dabei will ich dir das sagen. Aber Sachen laut auszusprechen hat schon früher ganz gut getan. Und das vorhin, das war auch so etwas. Hat mich ganz viel Mut gekostet, das laut auszusprechen. Und ich fühle mich so verletzlich, vielleicht mag ich es deshalb, wenn du meinen Hals ganz fest packst und.. naja, die ganze Situation mag ich einfach. Du hast die Kontrolle über mich, dann brauche ich gerade keine über mich haben.

Ich weiss aktuell nicht wo mir der Kopf steht. Meine Realität verschwimmt, ich hab Ausfälle und breche nun wöchentlich mental zusammen. Aber was ich weiss, ist, dass wenn du deine Hand auf meinen Kopf legst und mich sanft kraulst oder streichelst, dass dann alles da drin mal kurz verstummt. Und das ist aktuell wie eine Droge für mich.

[collected-times]

ach mist, du bist halt einfach der Mensch, mit dem ich zusammen allein sein will. Ich will mit dir nach Prag, im Winter und warme Getränke trinken während deine Nase und Wangen ganz rot werden. Und du bist der erste Mensch, mit dem ich, nach unseren nächtlichen slow dance Einlagen, einen eigenen Tanz haben will. Ich sehs in deinen Augen, du liebst mich, aber du kannst nicht mit mir zusammen sein. Trotzdem sind wir's irgendwie. Unser Sex war nie besser, wenn wir uns sehen sind wir beide glücklich. Ich finde mehr Zugang zu dir und alle anderen stehen im Schatten. Ich liebe dich, als du mal gegangen bist, hat sich das angefühlt wie der Tod meines Lebenspartners. Es ist so komisch, jedes Mal denke ich es kann nicht noch besser kommen und da kamst du um die Ecke. Mit deinen blauen Augen und deinen braunen Haaren. Bitte sieh, wie gut wir sind.