comingfromastatechampionasshole

[comingfromastatechampionasshole]

Making Yorkshire Parkin: When You Want to Remember, Remember, the Fifth of November (but you forgot)

I bought Lyle’s Golden Syrup on a whim in our international grocers months ago, nestled between the Marmite and jarred clotted cream. I didn’t know what golden syrup tasted like, I had no use for it, and no recipe I had ever read included it. Naturally, I bought it immediately. Walking by the racks of Japanese candy and multiple incidences of ramen noodles, I asked myself, “Is there a particular reason I’m buying this, or am I just pissed they don’t have Walker’s and don’t want to walk away empty-handed?” 

Months later, I end up watching a video on parkin. Uses golden syrup. In this moment, the stars align. 

How did I stumble on this? Well, I’m interested in historical food, and even more so historical baking, and November was coming up. Try the Guy Fawkes day cake, it proclaimed to me, and as I watched it, and it was described to me as an English gingerbread-style cake, i thought, “There’s nothing about that idea I don’t like! I can make parkin, it can’t be that hard. Not like i’m going to be able to buy it here to try it.” 

And hard is not the word for it. Let’s go on a journey. 

So the first thing is, that Yorkshire parkin isn’t the only parkin in town and so, as I glanced at recipes, i discovered that there were multiple theories of the business, and many of these theories involved insulting each others’ grandmothers. Lancashire parkin uses mainly golden syrup, resulting in a sweeter and softer-flavored cake, and I guess that’s why the only things a civilized human being knows about Lancashire is that it’s in the North of England, and it features in the Merrily Song from the Wind and the Willows. No, the more I read, the more I realized I wanted Yorkshire parkin, a dark, aggressive form of the cake that makes heavy use of black treacle and threatens to kick your teeth in. It’s no wonder that Yorkshire gets all the great wonders of the North, like Wuthering Heights, The Secret Garden, and that one pizza place I really liked. 

It turns out that Yorkshire parkin uses a very small amont of golden syrup, and so you may be saying to yourself at this point, “Doc are you unnecessarily complicating your life to say you literally opened this stupid plastic bottle of sugar syrup?” to which I say, ‘No one asked you, okay?” 

Black treacle is the first thing on this list, and this was actually the easy part. One of the ‘fun’ things about reading recipes from English to English (and sometimes even to English!) is that you have to make substitutions, and people’s attitude toward substitutions for ingredients run the gamut from questionable to hysteria. The good news is that this unites us all, and I am sure there will be several fine Brits yelling at me that unsulfured molasses is nothing like black treacle, in the same way that many Americans lost their mind at the mere suggestion that a digestive might be more or less equivalent to a graham cracker. I welcome your hatemail, Hail Satan , Lord of Spiders, just use unsulfured molasses and you’ll be fine. 

But then we have the problem of “medium oatmeal.” The Brits are running on a completely different system than we are with our paltry three or so styles of oatmeal: Rolled, steel cut (often called Irish oats), and instant. There are some outliers, but they are mostly the exclusive purview of places where one might buy free-range ostrich farts and consensually squeezed oranges. Meanwhile, on a rainy rock in the North, we have seventeen separate grades of oatmeal, some of which are only found on one specific moor where young maidens cry over it, keening into the wind (An expensive delicacy not unlike kopi luwak) Try as I might, I found it near impossible to get medium oatmeal, and so I took the most reasonable out possible: Buying steel cut oats and frantically googling photos of medium oatmeal until I had processed it down to the rough appearance. 

This is medium oatmeal. Probably. 

The assembly of it is stunningly old-fashioned, and I’m not making a joke when I say it seems basically unchanged from the 1700s: You mix the sugar and butter ingredients together in a sauce pan until the sugar melts, and then throw it into the dry mix, putting it together and then throwing in an egg as some desperate attempt to give so loft to what is going to be a doorstop or perhaps the blunt object that was originally used to kill Guy Fawkes, as well as a splash of milk, though what it hopes to contribute to the action I can’t possibly imagine. 

Having read over all this at 9:30 pm on the 5th of November, I ready myrself to assemble the parkin so I can leave it out for King James or whatever. Then I read the cook time on the cake: Seventy to Ninety Minutes. 

“Fuck this shit, I’m American,” I said, cracking open a beer and heading upstairs with my sixteen guns while eagles cried and sang “God Bless The USA” overhead. 

REMEMBER, REMEMBER, THE SIXTH OF NOVEMBER, WHEN ALL THESE INGREDIENTS ARE STILL SITTING IN MY KITCHEN. 

So, I have followed the recipe. The cake is in the oven. What will it become? Stay tuned!

#reblogged to be on the correct blog

[comingfromastatechampionasshole]

Making Yorkshire Parkin: When You Want to Remember, Remember, the Fifth of November (but you forgot)

I bought Lyle’s Golden Syrup on a whim in our international grocers months ago, nestled between the Marmite and jarred clotted cream. I didn’t know what golden syrup tasted like, I had no use for it, and no recipe I had ever read included it. Naturally, I bought it immediately. Walking by the racks of Japanese candy and multiple incidences of ramen noodles, I asked myself, “Is there a particular reason I’m buying this, or am I just pissed they don’t have Walker’s and don’t want to walk away empty-handed?” 

Months later, I end up watching a video on parkin. Uses golden syrup. In this moment, the stars align. 

How did I stumble on this? Well, I’m interested in historical food, and even more so historical baking, and November was coming up. Try the Guy Fawkes day cake, it proclaimed to me, and as I watched it, and it was described to me as an English gingerbread-style cake, i thought, “There’s nothing about that idea I don’t like! I can make parkin, it can’t be that hard. Not like i’m going to be able to buy it here to try it.” 

And hard is not the word for it. Let’s go on a journey. 

So the first thing is, that Yorkshire parkin isn’t the only parkin in town and so, as I glanced at recipes, i discovered that there were multiple theories of the business, and many of these theories involved insulting each others’ grandmothers. Lancashire parkin uses mainly golden syrup, resulting in a sweeter and softer-flavored cake, and I guess that’s why the only things a civilized human being knows about Lancashire is that it’s in the North of England, and it features in the Merrily Song from the Wind and the Willows. No, the more I read, the more I realized I wanted Yorkshire parkin, a dark, aggressive form of the cake that makes heavy use of black treacle and threatens to kick your teeth in. It’s no wonder that Yorkshire gets all the great wonders of the North, like Wuthering Heights, The Secret Garden, and that one pizza place I really liked. 

It turns out that Yorkshire parkin uses a very small amont of golden syrup, and so you may be saying to yourself at this point, “Doc are you unnecessarily complicating your life to say you literally opened this stupid plastic bottle of sugar syrup?” to which I say, ‘No one asked you, okay?” 

Black treacle is the first thing on this list, and this was actually the easy part. One of the ‘fun’ things about reading recipes from English to English (and sometimes even to English!) is that you have to make substitutions, and people’s attitude toward substitutions for ingredients run the gamut from questionable to hysteria. The good news is that this unites us all, and I am sure there will be several fine Brits yelling at me that unsulfured molasses is nothing like black treacle, in the same way that many Americans lost their mind at the mere suggestion that a digestive might be more or less equivalent to a graham cracker. I welcome your hatemail, Hail Satan , Lord of Spiders, just use unsulfured molasses and you’ll be fine. 

But then we have the problem of “medium oatmeal.” The Brits are running on a completely different system than we are with our paltry three or so styles of oatmeal: Rolled, steel cut (often called Irish oats), and instant. There are some outliers, but they are mostly the exclusive purview of places where one might buy free-range ostrich farts and consensually squeezed oranges. Meanwhile, on a rainy rock in the North, we have seventeen separate grades of oatmeal, some of which are only found on one specific moor where young maidens cry over it, keening into the wind (An expensive delicacy not unlike kopi luwak) Try as I might, I found it near impossible to get medium oatmeal, and so I took the most reasonable out possible: Buying steel cut oats and frantically googling photos of medium oatmeal until I had processed it down to the rough appearance. 

This is medium oatmeal. Probably. 

The assembly of it is stunningly old-fashioned, and I’m not making a joke when I say it seems basically unchanged from the 1700s: You mix the sugar and butter ingredients together in a sauce pan until the sugar melts, and then throw it into the dry mix, putting it together and then throwing in an egg as some desperate attempt to give so loft to what is going to be a doorstop or perhaps the blunt object that was originally used to kill Guy Fawkes, as well as a splash of milk, though what it hopes to contribute to the action I can’t possibly imagine. 

Having read over all this at 9:30 pm on the 5th of November, I ready myrself to assemble the parkin so I can leave it out for King James or whatever. Then I read the cook time on the cake: Seventy to Ninety Minutes. 

“Fuck this shit, I’m American,” I said, cracking open a beer and heading upstairs with my sixteen guns while eagles cried and sang “God Bless The USA” overhead. 

REMEMBER, REMEMBER, THE SIXTH OF NOVEMBER, WHEN ALL THESE INGREDIENTS ARE STILL SITTING IN MY KITCHEN. 

So, I have followed the recipe. The cake is in the oven. What will it become? Stay tuned!

#Food writing

[comingfromastatechampionasshole]

Doc's Best In Goddamn Show Montana State Fair Coconut Cream Pie

As promised, the baked good that did the best, I'll release the recipe. This is one of my favorite pies of all time, hewed into a perfect custard-based pie that won me my first Best in Show rosette in nine years. And pies is even a tough category!

The other shocking thing: This is one of the easiest pies I make. It's very much "don't worry about it." It even tastes better if you make everything but the topping the day before serving.

“Doc, why don’t you use cream of coconut for the custard?” Friend, I tried for years to get that to work, only to find out that cream of coconut just does not bake up as nice as milk and cream, so I use a nice extract and toast the coconut to get the flavors. 

YOU WILL NEED:

A crust (I presume you can either make or buy a crust. I might even have a recipe here on the blog, I can’t remember) 

Pie: 

5 eggs

¾ cup caster/baker’s sugar 

2 cups of whole milk

½ cup half and half (I believe this is called half cream in the UK)

1 tsp vanilla bean paste

1 tsp coconut extract (I like Olivenation or watkins. Also, bear in mind you may need to use more. I do this to taste and the tsp is a guess on my part. Don’t worry, I’ll tell you where to taste in the recipe) 

Pinch salt

1 cup sweetened flaked coconut

Topping:

2 cups heavy cream VERY COLD (can use whipping or double also, but I prefer heavy) 

2 tablespoons jello or jello style pudding mix, coconut 

Powdered/icing sugar (this will be to taste) 

Decoration: Most definitely toasted coconut. I really like Nuts.com’s organic dried coconut chips, but it depends on how flush I’m feeling--I did not use it in this competition. Macadamia nuts are great, dried pineapple, for this competition I used coconut rolls from costco. This is mostly for visual appeal, so be creative. 

Toast your coconut: Put the oven at 350F. Put some parchment down on a baking sheet, and then put your sweetened flaked coconut on the sheet. Don’t forget to put in a bit extra for your topping decoration. Toast for about five minutes, it will probably need a stir and watch it closesy--coconut burns easy. When it’s a nice pale golden, pull it and up the temperature of the oven to 375F. 

Blind bake your crust. If you haven’t done this before, I think it’s easy but admit maybe not everyone will. Roll your crust out into a pie plate, just like you always would, and then cover the bottom with tin foil, and fill with pie weights or beans, or rice--I’m a big fan of using sugar. Whatever you use. Bake it about 15-17 minutes, it should be lightly brown at the edges. Take out the pie weight you used. Bake it about 5 minutes more, just so the bottom gets very lightly toasted. 

Make the filling! Beat your eggs in in a large bowl until they are very well combined but not whipped. Beat in everything but the coconut itself. NOW TASTE IT. Does it taste coconutty enough, or do you want to add a little more extract? Have an easy hand with the stuff, it’s powerful. Mix in the toasted coconut. 

Yeah, I’m serious, that was the whole of the filling instructions. I told you this was ridiculously easy. 

Bake: Pour your filling (carefully) into the pie crust, and cover the edges of your pie crust so it doesn’t burn (I use tin foil, but they do make fancy pie shields). I like to put it on a jelly roll pan so it’s easier for me to take in and out of the oven. You’re going to bake it at 375F for about 30-40 minutes, but the real test is: if you shake it a little, is it set at the sides but with a little wiggle in the center? That’s when it’s done. 

Let it cool totally. 

Topping! Beat your cold cream and pudding mix together, adding the powdered sugar slowly. I start with a quarter cup and work my way up until it’s as sweet as I like. I prefer a harder peak for this, but soft peaks are acceptable if you enjoy that more. Decorat with your topping choices! 

GO WIN A FUCKIN ROSETTE

Please tell me if you made this! If you found this really helpful and would like to leave me a tip, my ko-fi is here!

#recipes #dessert recipes #pie recipes #baking tips

[comingfromastatechampionasshole]

Wilt-resist your whipped cream! (A cheat, by Doc)

Okay, the phrase "by Doc" is doing a lot of heavy lifting here--I actually learned this tip from a gal I was competing with years ago in state fair (she beat my ass) and I'm sure other aunts and grandmas know it. But, whomst else on tumblr will deliver it to your eyeballs?

Because you know the trouble with whipped cream and whipped cream frostings is they tend to wilt over time, especially if they have to deal with absolutely any level of heat. A simple room temperature can make your pie or cake look weepy and sad. Your bowl of fresh whipped cream now looks worse than the fuckin' cool whip. Tragedy.

Now, I assume you, erudite and exceptional readers of this blog, are already using powdered sugar/icing sugar instead of standard sugar to make your whipped cream, not only because of greater stability but because it functionally removes the possibility of graininess. This is a "I want to make this whipped cream the night before" tip. Other tips like milk powder, I find, just don't have the same longevity as what's below:

Professionals use gelatin or agar-agar, which I don't like for two reasons: 1) Gelatin is not vegetarian and in the US is often made from pork, so fuck your Jewish or Muslim guests and 2) you have to bloom the gelatin or agar-agar, and it can be tricky to work with, and if you aren't the 'working with high-level mousses and creams often" type, it may be a waste of space in your kitchen.

But gee whiz, did you know there's a very cheap and intensely easy solution for busy housewives to keep her man loving her whipped cream, and by extension, her? Tell her, Don!

Why little lady, it's Jell-O (tm) brand instant pudding mix! Don't tell the ladies at the church bake-off...we won't.

This is the easiest possible way to get nice, stiff whipped cream that holds up for, I think my record is three days. It can also tolerate sitting in a warm room much much better than whipped cream really ought to be able to.

"But Doc, isn't Jell-O, uh, gelatin?"

Jell-O itself is, but Jell-O pudding is actually kosher. I assume other brands are as well, but I don't know this for a fact--so make sure to check the label if you're using a different brand. What's doing the work here is 'modified food starch' which is a stronger version of cornstarch, which I find, added to whipped cream, to require too much to be added, and the texture gets odd.

This is cheap! Your grocery store may vary, but this small box was 99 cents.

This is easy! All you do is add about 1 tablespoon of pudding mix per one cup of heavy/whipping/double cream* and then whip as usual.

It does lightly flavor the whipped cream, which I've never found to be a problem--I use regular vanilla mostly, but french vanilla is nice for banana cream pie, I used coconut cream for the pie I just entered WHICH WON BEST IN SHOW I MIGHT ADD. Chocolate is great for chocolate whipped cream. You're smart people, you got this. The only ones I don't recommend are tapioca (pearls) and Oreo (having about three bits of oreo in the whipped cream looks dirty rather than intentional.)

Go forth, and set your whipped cream on the sideboard with confidence!

*I'm aware these all actually contain different levels of fat, but let's get real here, they are often used interchangeably and only the craziest among us is going to seriously get into "What cream should you be whipping?" discourse.

#cooking tips #baking tips #recipe #kinda I guess

[comingfromastatechampionasshole]

Buttercream:  A mostly complete but not at all exhaustive guide to the six main types of buttercream you will encounter in your travels.

There is no one “buttercream!” When you see a cake has “buttercream” you should be asking, “okay but what kind?” as they vary wildly in taste, texture, and ease. 

I floated the idea, to great happiness, of me doing a post on the six main types of buttercream, what they are, how they’re made, and what they’re best used for. Are there different kinds of buttercream from these? Sure, I suppose, and it depends on how we’re defining them and who you ask. For example: There’s a style called “Russian Buttercream” that’s just American Buttercream, but made with sweetened condensed milk. I don’t PERSONALLY find it different enough nor does it it enjoy enough widespread use for me to include here. There’s also what I call “Corporate Buttercream” which is American Buttercream but made with shortening. It’s disgusting, for starters, and for seconds, few people make it outside of grocery stores. So that’s a small bit of how I decided which ones I was going to use in this. 

I have organized them from easiest to most difficult to make, in my opinion. Some of these are flexible, based on your own personal opinion of cooking and things. So your mileage may vary. The “real” buttercreams (Italian, Swiss, French) are all more difficult than the “faux” buttercreams (American, Flour, German). But all have their uses! 

American Buttercream

When people say they hate buttercream, I just assume this is what they’ve had in the past. It doesn’t appeal to me much either, especially if the butter isn’t whipped enough (It needs a SOLID 5-10 minutes of whipping) American Buttercream is a very simple frosting, one of the most simple, in that it’s butter, powdered sugar, vanilla (or other extract) and a little bit of cream. The great thing about American Buttercream is that it is extremely easy to make, and one of the first frostings I ever learned to make. It’s also easy to spread, and does will with broad piping, as it stays relatively soft, and holds color and flavor well. It’s a great pick for frosting sugar cookies with kids. The bad news is: It melts pretty easily. Do not try using this in the summer if you are even thinking of heat being a problem. Also, quite a few people do not care for it! 

Flour Buttercream (or ermine frosting) 

This is my PERSONAL least favorite buttercream. You would think that it being less sweet than American Buttercream would be a selling point, but I find the texture of it very offputting. This is used about as much as American buttercream, because it’s more resistant to melting. It’s made by heating a milk and sugar base with flour, and allowing it to cool and basically become a kid of sweet glue before adding it to beaten butter. It’s great for cakes that need to be in the heat because it’s more stable, which makes it well suited for decoration, and also, like American Buttercream, has little flavor of its own and holds flavors well. The downside is you have to cool it carefully and cover to avoid getting a skin on it, and it takes longer because of the need for very thorough cooling. 

German Buttercream

Whether or not you think German Buttercream is difficult all depends on if you think making custard is difficult. German buttercream basically takes things a step further than Flour Buttercream, and makes the whole base with a custard. This is the best tasting of the ‘faux’ buttercreams by far, because of the flavor the custard allows in development. So why doesn’t it enjoy more wide appeal? A lot of people find the careful eye needed to make custard very difficult, and because of the development of flavor, this buttercream is really only well suited to strongly flavored cakes that can stand up to it. Also, if you thought American Buttercream melted? This one goes to pieces if you look at it wrong, don’t attempt piping or other decoration like that with it. It also is not great for coloring, being as it has a yellow coloring naturally. 

Italian Buttercream

From here on in, you need a candy thermometer. PREPARE YE. 

I went back and forth on whether or not I thought this or Swiss Meringue was more difficult, so you could flip them in your head and I wouldn’t complain. Italian buttercream is made in the ‘true’ buttercream fashion, by whipping eggs, specifically the whites of the eggs, into a stiff-peaked frenzy, and then mix it with a hot sugar sugar syrup, before whipping it with cubed butter. This is the sturdiest of the ‘true’ buttercreams, and if you wanted to do decorations with one, this would be the one I would choose. It even holds up pretty well in the heat! Downsides are: The difficulty inherent to any “true” buttercream, and also it uses raw eggs, and if you use pasteurized eggs, your whip flat out will not be as good. I just use the raw eggs. It also does not hold well at all–serve it the day you make it. 

Swiss Meringue Buttercream

This is my second favorite kind of buttercream, and if you’re nervy about raw eggs but want a ‘true’ buttercream, this is for you. This is the kind of buttercream I make the most. In this buttercream, you cook the egg whites with the sugar, giving you a little bit of an opportunity to ruin the whole thing on the stove. This holds up about as well as Italian buttercream, heat wise, (though not decor wise–it’s very soft and pillowy) and I personally find it holds better overnight. The downside is of course, the cooking risk, and also it requires really constant whisking during to cooking stage. It’s a lighter buttercream and so well suited for lighter cakes and flavors. 

French Buttercream

This is actually my favorite buttercream of all time. It is VERY rich, but when it’s done well it retains a quality of lightness and depth of flavor that really carries. What makes me put it at the most difficult? It’s made in the same way as Italian buttercream, with a hot sugar syrup, but you whip the egg YOLKS by themselves. I don’t know what you know about whipping an egg yolk, but there’s a reason you aren’t called upon to do it often–it takes a long ass time to do, and is frustrating. Which is why I rarely make it. But! In addition to tasting great, this buttercream holds decorations REALLY well, as long as it’s not exposed to too much heat–the high fat content means it’s not very heat-resistant. Also, if you’re looking for a white frosting, this is in no way your guy. But it tastes like fucking pastry cream when it’s done well, but solid like frosting. It’s amazing. 

Have a burning question about food? Go ahead and ask me! Tip jar is here!

[comingfromastatechampionasshole]

THEY ARE ALL TURNED IN.

Whichever places the highest, I'll post the recipe here after, and then my patrons on the main blog can vote on which of the others they'll get!

[comingfromastatechampionasshole]

Much like Lena herself, it's not PRETTY, per se, but it does have a certain sort of winning affable charm

[comingfromastatechampionasshole]

Whenever I'm in the midst of this, it becomes clear that one contender is my big chance for the year. This year, it's my vanilla buttermilk cake, and so I took a lot of care with decoration, even though it's pretty amateur

[comingfromastatechampionasshole]

Coconut cream pie, totally finished!

[comingfromastatechampionasshole]

It obviously doesn't have the topper on it that will make it pretty yet, but I'm happy with it!

Coconut cream pie in the oven!!

[comingfromastatechampionasshole]

Pleased with this! Good cook, kept the freckle effect. I'll have to level them, but that's normal.

Tea infused butter cake with chocolate 'freckles'

[comingfromastatechampionasshole]

This pecan pie is DEFINITELY the sacrificial lamb to ensure the success of my other efforts ahaha

(I'm sure it'll taste fine but part of the scoring is, of course, looks, and. Whoa)

#one of the things i always respected about Julia child #is she fucked up and let people see it #i do well! #i win competitions! #i also make BONEHEAD mistakes #so do we all

[comingfromastatechampionasshole]

And despite freezing it, my crust slumped so bad my filling won't fit ahaha

#considering pulling out of pecan

[comingfromastatechampionasshole]

Guess who just ruined 17 dollars of Pecans because she forgot them while preheating the oven?

[comingfromastatechampionasshole]

Extremely pleased with the even brown on these! Especially for having three cake pans in the oven at once

Vanilla buttermilk cake in the oven!

[comingfromastatechampionasshole]

The beginnings of my fruitcake!

It's been a while since I made my aged fruitcake. It's a layout of time, effort, and money-- the ingredients to make about 6 thick, nutty, fruity, boozy cakes will come to about 170 dollars when all is said and done.

But there is nothing like a well made, properly aged fruitcake.

To our left, we have the beginnings of my Tropical Fruitcake, a mix of dried apricots, pineapple, strawberries, mango, starfruit, kiwi, and golden raisins, all soaking in a solid rum. This will be combined with glazed orange peel and pineapples, dried coconut, and macadamia nuts, in a butter vanilla pound cake brushed every other day with rum simple.

The second is a traditional fruitcake, golden and flame raisins, apricot, dates, and plums, all soaking in reserve bourbon, waiting to be combined with glazed cherries, pineapple, Citron, orange peel, and pecans in a deep spice cake, brushed with a bourbon simple.

JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY

[comingfromastatechampionasshole]

And a full finished soup!

Tip for broth making!

When you're making chicken broth, just quarter your onion and toss it in, skin on. The skin will help impart some golden color to your broth! Less work and better product.

I'm making chicken broth for chicken noodle for a chilly fall day tomorrow!