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Dear Diary,

Hello guys i know i don’t have alot to talk about but i wanted to say i love you and so does everyone else you got this. I don’t know you situation but i wanted to tell you i love you and everything is going to be okay. Thank you for being here with me!!!!!

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A day in the life

It’s so hard to be happy sometimes but I’ve accepted I’m never going to be the same. I’ve come together and realized not everyday is going to be unicorns and rainbows but I’ve decided I’m not going to let that stop me from being happy on the days I’m genuinely happy. I know that I’m never going to be the same and that’s okay. As long as I don’t fall and keeping flying through this storm there will be a rainbow at the end of the storm.

#you are beautiful #you are strong #you are everything #depression recovery #you are worthy #currently reading #poetry #literature #you are loved #you are a fighter

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Getting Better Now

So these past months i have been really working on myself and getting to know myself better. I took these past months and found out i have new triggers and new things that just make me tick. I figured out i needed help but i wasn’t in the mindset to help myself back then. I have gotten better these past months and have been feeling better. I’m honestly happy i’m learning things about myself i never knew about before. I could honestly say i am much happier knowing that i have improved. I just wanted to keep you guys updated even if its something little like this. I know that i am still working on myself daily and its not some thing i can fix over night but now i know i have to watch for triggers to get a better understanding of myself. So yeah i hope every single one of you know it’s not easy and it’s been hard on me and probably you but i just want you to know you aren’t alone and if i am continuing to fight you should to! I LOVE YOU AND SO DO MANY OTHERS JUST KNOW THAT !!!!!! THANK YOU !!!!

#Depression Recovery #ptsd recovery #ptsd #you got this #you are a fighter #you are a survivor #Survivor #I love you #you are beautiful #you are everything #You Can Do It #you are loved

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Sometimes emotional abuse can be very subtle. This article describes 7 subtle signs of emotional abuse that are easy to miss. The article is written with abusive romantic relationships in mind, but these dynamics can appear in any kind of relationship.

1. They React To Your Dreams With Contempt 2. They Withhold Affection Or Attention 3. They Are Perpetual Victims 4. They Openly Minimize Your Wants & Needs 5. They Hold You To Standards You Can’t Possibly Achieve 6. They Humiliate You In Front Of Others — And Tell You You’re Oversensitive If You Get Upset 7. You Arrange Your Decisions Around Not Upsetting Them

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This is a great article. It discusses:

–how depression is an adaptive survival mechanism –how depression is out of our control, happening on a pre-conscious level –how people with depression are not aberrant, just responding naturally to threatening circumstances

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Working on myself

Today i have officially decided to work on myself, and be happy again. I need to put myself first and to work on my mental health. I need to live happily and enjoy the little things in life. I’ve been so stressed that i didn’t realize that my mental health had gotten really bad. Im taking it back though , im going t start witing poetry again and see where that gets me and painting and doing things tha that make me happy. ITS TIME ! 

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Update

I’m trying to live a positive and healthy life but  feel like im ruining everything. I just want to be whole again, im losing myself and have been for months. I’ve purposely started fights with my boyfriend so he would leave me and i could be alone like i deserve. I’ve started t hate myself again and regretting everything in my life that i’ve done so far. I’m sad , i’m so sad this is the most sad i’ve been since my assault happened. I’ve been so miserable with myself lately and im pushing myself away from everyone again and not letting anyone get close. My life has become a living hell because of me, and i can’t stop it.  

I feel sick a lot and i haven’t been eating as much and sleeping more, there are days where i just don’t want to do anything or get out of bed. I hate myself even more than i did. I just want to be skinny and thin and make everyone around me proud of me. I want to make everyone one proud and i want to tell people i told them id be something better than they were. I can honestly say i feel so alone and i feel like i have no support and no one is proud of me orr what i a doing for myself. I’m so sad and i feel s hurt that when i lookin the mirror i hate myself a million times. Im getting to a point where i am tired of feeling alone and feeling so useless and feeling so hated by everyone. i feel like no mater what i do o how hard i try ill never be good enough for anyone and When i say im so close to checking myself into a hospital i mean it like, I NEED HELP! and i know that i need help because everything i do now is for everyone else but me i put others needs before my own and i don’t know why i do that. My mental health has been on a downward spiral for months now and i don’t know how to stop myself. At least i acknowledge i need help right?? 

Anyways there is my rant for the night just thought id let you know that im not doing okay and depression is a bitch because as much as people think its all in your head and you just get depressed when you fee like it stfu because this shit isnt easy and i wouldn’t wish my pain on anyone. Have a good night and thank you for hearing my rant. 

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Sorry i’ve been gone

So when i left i stopped posting and my life has been crazy.

Ive been going through the motions lately and i feel like im falling back into old habits so im going to take this time to say im changing. Im going to go ahead and try my best to eat healthy and lose weight the healthy way. 

TRIGGER WARNING  ABOUT DEPRESSION AND EATING DISORDER

When i was 15 i started restricting my eating because i wanted to be more fit and have a toner body. I had even joined the surf team at my school to be more fit. slowly i started to restrict the food i ate everyday id skip breakfast and lunch and only eat dinner and a snack. soon i started skipping the snack and eventually the dinner. It almost got my dad to take me to the hospital and get me examined fro an eating disorder ,so i started to eat dinner. But i skipped every other meal since then. Over time i went to live with my mom for my first year of high school. Soon i became depressed and my eating disorder came more active. My mom made me super depressed during that time which only triggered my eating disorder to be more active. I only ate when absolutely needed. I hated myself so much the way my mom made me feel and the way i hated my dad in that time being i was really alone. I had no one to turn to but friends and even then they saw what i was doing to my self physically but didn’t see the mental side of things because i chose to never speak my mind. I started only wearing jackets and sweaters no one seemed to notice. I had a boyfriend at the time who knew what i was going through but he was going through much much worse. So i always helped him and never helped myself. I made his life worth living while we were still together and i took that in to a great accomplishment. My boyfriend at the time his mom was very neglectful and rude he wasn’t happy and i was the only person that made him happy. So while he didn’t notice the main part of that was because we weren’t having sex. I didn’t have sex all if high school. He couldn’t see my body for what it really was scars and healing wounds. Yes id come home with a hickey or two my mom would totally freak out on me and scream and yell and call me names. But by then i was used o her insults and her slut shaming, she would always tell me id be 15 and pregnant but i wasn’t i’m still not pregnant. 

And i’m 20 years old and a college student first generation at that. I’ve done everything she said i never would and i’ve over come so many obstacles in my life to where i don’t even give a damn about her and her opinion. She was the reason i got depressed but i was at fault for trying to be skinny like the girls i went to school with and i see that. I don’t blame her for starting my eating disorder i don’t blame anyone but myself. I don’t take pitty for myself and i sure as hell don’t care what others have to think off me anymore. I did everything ive wanted and i am still chasing my dreams. Of course over the years my dream path have changed but that’s because i;ve changed. I will never let myself fall back into those habits again no matter how hard they try to pull me down i will rise above and conquer again and again if i have to. 

#sad #trigger #DONT COME AT ME #mystory #my view #my hearrt #my depresson #my anxiety #my escape

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?????

I’m sad but i can’t figure out why, i think i am so stressed out and i need support from my friends and family. I just can’t understand why i’am so sad i think it’s just a lot going on i am so sad and rally stressed and overwhelmed. I just need someone, but i doubt my family will understand me. 

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Hello

Hi guys i know i haven posted on here in a while but i don’t really have anyone that reads this shit a lot anyways, but i still want to try and make  change into someones life. I really hope i can. All of you in the cities where the black lives matter protest/riots are stay safe out there. We don’t need anymore people getting hurt. Im going to say it even if there is an unpopular opinion about it i have to say it, what these people are doing destroying things and vandalizing things are so morbid and horrible. Dr.Martin Luther King walked in a protest that was non violent except the whites back then were yelling at them and calling them names. He did a non-violent protest, but what these people are doing now are just outrageous and very dangerous to many people. They are vandalizing public property and looting stores and if it weren’t bad enough already half of these businesses were already suffering because of Covid-19. These small businesses even the big ones lost a lot of money and making them rebuild and restock and or repair the damages is a lot already. We can win the fight without violence, We can share this movement and make it positive again, People think so negatively about the black lives matter protest.  They think its a dumb movement because there is no winning these people never get justice and in the end it turns a protest into a riot. That’s why people don’t take this movement seriously because it has always turned violent, Every single black lives matter protest turns in to a riot. Costing the states and cities millions of your own tax dollars and some of these states already have high taxes as it is. I get the who justice needs to be served but fighting violence with violence will never get you anywhere. We all need to unite and show the states and the governments what this movement is really about!!!! Its about bringing PEACE AND UNITY AND EQUALITY TO THE PEOPLE OF COLOR!!!! We need to peacefully unite and show the government we aren’t messing around anymore and are serious and there is real change that needs to happen but none of that change will happen if you keep fighting violence with violence. We need to get laws passed and bills taken into office we need to unite as one and fight as peaceful as possible. We can’t keep doing this!!! If the People want real change you need to ask nicely no ones going to be nice to you if you aren’t being nice to them. “BUT THE POLICE START ALL OF THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE” That is true but it is your responsibility to end it as a citizen and a resident of your city and state. you end it by voting, having peaceful protest and get together reach out to congress you a state rep and let them know how you feel. Get signatures to change certain laws and regulations in your state there are so many thing you can do EXCEPT FIGHT VIOLENCE WITH VIOLENCE BECAUSE IT NEVER ENDS WELL. Sorry went on a little rant but these are my views and a few others i interviewed views also.

#black and white #freedom #justice #popular #trending #opinion #dont come at me

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I just posted about this last week!

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Update

hey guys I just wanted to update you guys on how I am doing during this quarantine. So covid-19 has impacted many people and I hope everyone is doing okay and you and your families are okay and if they are sick with covid I pray they will get better.