crabshanty

[crabshanty]

[crabshanty]

[crabshanty]

[crabshanty]

you know when you start a bar fight about what is the best dinosaur and somebody busts out the curare paralytic poison arrows,but they can’t touch you because you ate dirt as a kid (this story can only be understood by ate dirt as a kid gang)

#dirt #i ate dirt #as a child #childhood #shitpost #immune system #immunehealth #poison #bar fight #dinosaur #dinosaurs #there was a dirt and i ate it #when i was a child #did you know #fun fact #eating dirt #is just a vaccine but tasty/j #don't eat dirt please #meme

[crabshanty]

Me, not knowing a single button on the accordion: how staccato??

#accordion #music #self taught #musician #talented

[crabshanty]

adhd people be like: "i know a place" and then google when was mayonnaise invented

[crabshanty]

I am but a jester, weary of laughter and want of food and drink; but the bells on my silly pointed shoes have never known silence, just as I’ve never known rest. And ho, how my lord bellows to me: “dance, my fool! Renounce your mathematics homework and dance for me!” And ho, I dance again to the song of my own wretched shoes as they jingle on in agony.

#shitpost #jester #court jester #fool #clown #adhd #adhd brain #bored

[crabshanty]

Reminds me of the time my neighbour’s trailer literally burned to a heap of melted metal and all the operator told my mom when she called 911 was to calm down. She didn’t even sound distressed, man. The fire just continued and nobody fucking showed up. 

I tried to call the fire department to report my neighbors’ house fire. The 911 operator told me they couldn’t help me, because I now had to go online and fill out a request for firefighting form. They’d get back to me in 6-8 weeks if it got approved.

#just rural america things

[crabshanty]

[footage of the inside of an ordinary Eastern-European home, taken with a handheld phone camera, the man filming is walking from the living room to the back door of the house]

man, narrating in russian: Every fucking year, this time of the year, the pond at my backyard gets infested. What do ponds get infested with? Frogs? Poisonous weeds? Geese? No. Not my pond.

[The man opens the back door, stepping out into a garden. Three or four nude, human-like figures dash from the borders of a pond back into the water.]

man: Rusalki! I don't know where they come from or how they get here, and I can't afford to hire an exterminator every year. I can't let my cat outside anymore. Last year a rusalka managed to drown a whole deer in my pond, the stench was unbearable.

[He walks as he speaks, approaching the pond. There are several eerily beautiful female beings peering at him from under the surface, their long hair floating in the murky water. Their eyes are gleaming in an unhuman way. The man holding the camera stops to film them.]

man, calm and deadpan: What the fuck are all of you staring at. Get jobs or something.

[One of the rusalki, smaller than the others and clearly not a fully matured adult, slowly reaches out of the water with her white, thin hand, grasping his ankle. He appears unconcerned.]

man: You can't drown me, you little idiot. You're too small. Shoo!

[A loud thud startles the rusalki, making them scatter. A second thud makes it clear these are the approaching footsteps of something massive. The man turns around and points the camera at what appears to be a house, walking past above the treeline with chicken-like legs]

man, now yelling: IF YOUR HOUSE SHITS ON MY YARD AGAIN I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD-

[crabshanty]

Scammers these days are so smug and insufferable.

You solve their bullshit and they’re all “congrats aha you win” Back in my day, you would grovel like a hubristic jester slung over the pauldron of a royal guard. Hit em with the “im so sorry mister,,, i gots nothin ta eat,, blessings of akatosh upon ye,,, 👉👈” They just have no integrity anymore. it’s a travesty is what it is

#shitpost #scam #scamming #Elder Scrolls #oblivion #discord #joke #this is a travesty #why

[crabshanty]

oh god please

Late January 2021: Reddit collapses the stock market Late March 2021: Big fat boat disrupts international trade Late May 2021: ‘Minions’ meme leads to universal healthcare Late July 2021: Sentient drones unionize, bankrupting Amazon Late September 2021: The blue man group eradicates coronavirus

[crabshanty]

Victorian and Edwardian actresses are just... girl. give me the number of whoever the FUCK designed that outfit. like damn. I try so hard but i cannot compare to Minnie Tittell Fucking Brune (pictured) or Lily Elsie or anybody and it hurts so bad

#victorian #victorian aesthetic #edwardian #edwardian aesthetic #19th century #20th century #theatre #1900s fashion #1900s style

[crabshanty]

[crabshanty]

HHHHH IMAGINE IF HE DID THE VOICE

Im so mad ive just been informed that a documentary series ive watched a couple episodes of is actually narrated by Oblivion Male Elf and i DIDNT NOTICE even tho its SO OBVIOUS

[crabshanty]

[crabshanty]

Lol, here's a fun one: if you had been born in the medieval era and without access to modern medicine, how long would you have lived? If I managed to survive being born (unlikely) I would have died at age 22 from appendicitis :) hbu?

[crabshanty]

im sorry... :/ i dont speak polish :(

#language #shitpost #poland #ukraine #Cyrillic #satire