creepers-blog1

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I'm a bit of an asshole.

#Ugh #okcupid #Okc #thanks but no thanks #Hard pass

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My new years resolution is to not get the plague

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Parrots are tattle tails.

I've started dating someone. Or, more accurately, I've been dating someone and didn't mention it. Anyway, I hung out with the gentleman who I'm seeing. Let's just call him S. For the sake of this story, it's important to know that he is currently a student and is living at home while he finishes his degree. It is also important to note that his room is directly to the right of the front door, with a bathroom next to it, and the living room is opposite of the front door.

Okay, back to the story. I sleep over. We have sex, obviously. Shower sex because why not. We hear a knock on the bathroom door. We assume that it's his brother, so we think nothing of it. When we're back in his room, he checks his phone.

Him: Uh oh... Me: What's wrong? Him: Heh. You're loud.

A few minutes pass.

Me: ... Morbid curiosity. Was it your brother? Or... Him: It was my mom.

She texted him, "Terrible, [son]. No mother should ever come home to that noise." Or something like that.

So anyway! Another important piece of information. He has a parrot named Rocket. Rocket's cage is in his room. Parrots learn sounds and words by having them repeated.

Do you see where I'm going? If you didn't: Rocket learned how to imitate my moans.

We get dressed and prep to leave to take me home, Rocket starts making a ruckus because he always gets loud when S leaves, so we take him with us for the car ride.

I look into the living room because I see S's brother sitting on the couch. Thinking "Oh dear god, please don't let his parents be in there." I look back. I make eye contact with S's mom. Rocket starts making sounds. It was a very crude, parrot-y imitation but I knew. Or maybe I was paranoid.

If they didn't notice us before, Rocket got their attention.

I feel the stares on the back of my neck. I try to exit ASAP. I try the front door... Except the door was bolted, so I just looked like an idiot.

Thank you, life.

#fml #awkward #so awkward #this is my life #dating stories #dating struggles #awful #haha #tmi time

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That awkward moment when you accidentally go on a date with your married high school teacher?

So I moved to a different state. Florida, to be exact. I received a facebook message from a former high school teacher who said he'd be in town the weekend and that he'd love to meet up for drinks and catch up.

I'm an idiot, so I agree.

I meet him. He takes me to dinner. He wants to go to the hotel pool because when in Florida in autumn, rub it in your friends' faces that you're swimming while they're shoveling snow? I don't know.

So yes, we swim. It's cold out because it's mid-November. I tap out because I can only deal with so much bullshit before I get bitchy and call it. We get back to his room and I change out of my swimsuit, into dry clothes. When I exit the bathroom, he's on the phone with a telemarketer who asks about his marital status. To which he replies, "I'm MARRIED. I don't know WHY though..." Looks up. Eye contact. Abruptly ends the call.

He asks, "What next?"

"My cab."

Ugh. No High school reunion for me.

#ugh #this is my life #why #so awkward #awkward #this is why we can't have nice things #damn it #creepy #creeper #this is why i'm single #bah

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Ughhhhhh

I got tricked into a date with an ex-WWE star. I didn't realize it was a date because he wore SWEATPANTS to it. But I digress...

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My school has no eligible bachelors

Me: (on break, sitting on a bench, eating a snack)

Dude: Hey, what's up?

Me: Not much. Famished, trying to get a snack in on my break. How are you?

Dude: I'm good. Can I have some?

Me: Haha, no! I'm fucking hungry!

Dude: Seriously?

Me: Ah, okay... I guess.

Dude: Thanks. (eats peanuts) Haha, I don't even like peanuts. I'm Victor. It's nice to meet you. I'm a producer. You look like you have a good voice.

Me: ... Why the fuck did you guilt me into sharing my food with you if you don't even fucking like it?

Victor: I just wanted to talk to you. Can I have your number?

#REALLY?! #really though #is this real life #why #what #what the fuck #WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK #creepy #this is my life #this is why i'm single #If I had a dick I wouldn't have to deal with this bullshit #I DO NOT SHARE FOOD

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That awkward moment when you model for a drawing class and students ask you for your number afterwards...

#eek #this is just a job #stahp it #but really though #it's creepy #simmer down #creepy #bleh

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I don't know if it's just me, but a 4-5 hour drive to a beach for a second date does not sound appealing after a mediocre first date. I'll be damned if I drive 8-10 hours only to spend 2 on the water. And I certainly will not be sleeping over.

I see what you tried to pull there, sir.

#clever #this is why i'm single #haha #no #pass #hard pass #shut down

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Oops.

My friend and I went to a bar. A college bar, specifically. Because how can you beat $1 drinks? Answer: You can't. (Note: We don't go there for the ambience.) So it's crowded. Really, really crowded. My friend and I make friends with two other people and are holding a conversation. Suddenly, I feel someone grab my ass. I turn around and see two guys pressing by me. So I grab his ass right back. Because I'm feisty and why not fight fire with fire? He's surprised, turns around, maintains eye contact and gives a shrug/nod of approval. My friend asks me what that all was about. "He groped me so I gave him a taste of his own medicine." "Uhhhhhh... That was me..." " WHAT!" "Yeah, I grabbed your butt for a second." "Wait. There was a follow up ass grab. That wasn't you?" "Uhhhhhh... No." Crowds will be the death of me.

#haha #late night #From the bar #creepy #Bad friend #Oops #Kind of #Maybe not #Oh well #Fuck it

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Worst Date in the World!

This is why blind dates shouldn't happen.

I get set up on a blind date. I figured, eh. Fuck it, why not go out with him? So I do.

We meet up at a coffee shop. He was about 3 inches shorter than he said and looked like present day Woody Allen. But I figured he had personality, so it didn't really matter, right?

False.

It was one of those situations where he seemed witty because he had 8 hours to respond to a fucking question. But as soon as he started talking, he got all awkward. Then he mimicked my speaking patterns exactly. He was like an anthropomorphic parrot.

The coffee shop was nice but super hipster and uncomfortably quiet, like a library that served espresso.

"I feel like we can't hold a conversation in here; it's so quiet. Want to take the coffee to go and move elsewhere?"

"Oh yeah, I have to do some errands! Mind if we go to Home Depot or Target?"

"Ah... I meant something like lunch."

How many strikes does this guy have at this point? I don't know. A lot. I don't know why I continued with the date. But I did. And it got worse.

We go to a sushi restaurant. I order something with alligator because I'm a barbarian and when in Florida, eat like an asshole. He talks about a sushi experience that he had with his friends. Long story short, they weren't hungry and gave him all of their sushi. He's struggling to eat it. Then he tells me how he made room for all the sushi by taking a shit mid-meal, then coming back for the rest.

I asked why he didn't box it up instead of gorging himself but apparently that was a ridiculous suggestion. After he tells me that story, he excuses himself to use the restroom. "You had better be here when I come back! *WIIIINK*"

Now, it didn't even dawn on me that leaving early was an option. And then it presented itself. And, I mean. Shit. I had already paid my check—for the coffee and the food. (It's my personal rule to pay for myself when I have a bad date.) So... Yeah, I bailed.

I call my friend and tell her everything. I have a personal training appointment at the gym just across the highway from the sushi restaurant, so I make my way over there. AS I'M WAITING BY THE CROSSWALK, HIS CAR PULLS UP. And I knew that it would happen. I was half heartedly expecting it.

I'm still on the phone, laughing about how intensely horrible it was. We make eye contact. He waves angrily, then guns it.

I am a terrible person.

#bad date #story time #can we not #ugh #terrible #awful #awkward #so bad #this is my life #this is why i'm single #i am a bad person

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Apparently I have an admirer.

Roommate: Hey, do you know Ben? From the bike social?

Me: Ah... No. Why? What's up?

Roommate: Uh. Well. He asked me if you'd be his girlfriend.

Me: Wait, whaaaat. I've never talked to him.

Roommate: I know! I told him that he's going to have to talk to you first but he legitimately thinks that you're going to be his girlfriend. So uh... Heads up?

#haha what #okay #creepy #this is why i'm single #secret boyfriend? #hard pass

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I promise

Now that I'm back in school, I'm going to post more often. And I'm open to submissions! If you have creepy/awkward stories, feel free to share.

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So I'm on the bus, on my way home. Minding my own business, headphones in. Some guy sits down next to me and strokes my thigh all the way up to my underwear. And by stroke, I mean pulls my shorts up so that my underwear is exposed. So obviously I'm pissed and I switch seats. The fucker starts yelling at me? Fuck everything. I'm seething. What the fuck is wrong with people?!

#Creepy #What the fuck #No really #What the actual fuck #I hate men #Late night #Stories from the bus #Dc #Sexual harassment #Fuck everything #If I had a dick I wouldn't have to deal with this bullshit

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Holy crap

My roommate and I walked to CVS just now. I had just finished telling him about how I used to be consistently sexually harassed and assaulted at work. And then, as we cross the street, a car pulls up and comments on my ass. I wave him away, he follows us into the store.

"What’s wrong? She too much for you, nigga?" “Dude, she obviously isn’t into this, just leave her alone.” “Oh, you don’t want to know what you’re messing with.” “You’re right. Just leave her alone.”

Thank God for good roommates.

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Of course.

Guy: Hey, white chocolate, can I walk where you're walking?

Me: Sure but the walk is over. I'm here.

Guy: Well, can I buy you a drink?

Me: I mean, I appreciate the offer but I'm having a long day and was planning on one, then done.

Guy: Well, why? Why not drink all night?

Me: Because the bars close early and I have work tomorrow morning.

Guy: When?

Me: Early.

Guy: How early is early?

Me: Eight.

Guy: Why not come in late?

Me: I can't do that.

Guy: Why?

Me: Talking to you is like talking to a toddler. We aren't drinking together.

#Ugh #late night #Bars #so annoying #Creepy #bad pick up lines

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So Monday probably set a record for weirdest crap ever.

Was propositioned to participate in two threesomes. Not for one threesome, twice. Two. Separate. Threesomes. One was two guys, one girl. One was two girls, one guy. Pass. Got insulted by a toddler on the bus. This kid pretty much shat on My existence in baby talk. Lastly, a homeless man approached my work, took off the top of the smoker's pole, stripped naked and crouched like he was going to take a shit in it. Then he stood back up and walked off with his pants around his knees. Oh, and I (along with three other girls) was 5 feet away. I can't even.