cthulz

[cthulz]

we broke up because Nyx came to me, informing me that you were consistently in a voice channel, alone with Kat almost every night. you hid your relationship with Kat from me so please stop acting like you were the least bit transparent with me about what was happening, even after i had asked. i remember one instance in specific you sent me a dbd screenshot, on The Game and you intentionally cropped the image to hide you were playing with her but left just enough to where i could tell it was her name and you still had the audacity to tell me i was wrong. i brought up that Kat was always around after you had given me reason to think something was happening. i brought Kat up when she started publicly flirting with you IN YOUR TWITCH CHANNEL, begging you to play. YOU brought it up to ME that YOU thought it was weird she was “all over you” (your words)- this was AFTER Nyx came to me. so for you to sit here and act like you didn't cheat on me, or at very least flirt with someone / entertain the idea before we broke up is insulting. our relationship failed because of the choices you made that had a negative impact on me, something you have YET to acknowledge. our relationship did not fail because we "didn't work out" our relationship did not fail because i was "jealous and controlling" or whatever else you’ve told yourself to justify your actions, our relationship failed because you built it on a foundation of lies and i hope that realization eats you alive because it sure as hell did for me.

to read you “don’t remember specifics” but remember enough to lie about what matters proves to me that you're the same person you’ve always been because despite it being 4, almost 5 years ago i still remember every horrible second spent with you. i remember begging you to stop talking to Kat and being met with resistance every time- not your delusion where you “blocked Kat at annas request and moved on” that never happened and you said it yourself- “from that point forward it was back and fourth between me and Kat” if your message to Gavin was even remotely truthful, saying you cut Kat off in “early 2020″ further proves my point since you claimed to have blocked her in 2019, an entire year earlier.

i’m not writing this as a “haha told you so” i’m writing this because i finally feel heard after the worst 4, almost 5 years of my life. knowing that i wasn’t going crazy and that what i thought was happening was actually happening has brought me so much comfort because that was something i had to sit with for years- the uncertainty. and it was the exact reason that when you talked to me “a bit last month or so just to check in and apologize” i didn’t waste my time because i knew all of what you said was a lie. i knew it was you struggling to accept that someone somewhere out there hates you, and i promise you right now- that will never change.

[cthulz]

Nah, you don’t get the use the trauma you caused me as leverage to push the vision that you’re a gOoD pErSoN- you’re not. you never were and likely never will be.

Instead of using my trauma to your advantage, why don’t you tell everyone the truth? Why don’t you tell everyone how LONG you talked to Kat (the minor you groomed) after you made your pUbLiC aPoLoGy in which you mentioned you wouldn’t be talking to her again. Why don’t you tell everyone how many promises you made that it was DONE only for it to still be going on behind my back. Why don’t you tell everyone how many times you gaslit me into believing I WAS THE ISSUE when I would BEG you to stop talking to her. Because you conveniently leave ALL of that out whenever you speak of what happened. You spend so much time trying to convince others you cared about me when I was never shown an OUNCE of compassion whilst being cheated on, gaslit and manipulated for THREE years.

I truly hope you understand how damaging everything you put me through was, and I hope it keeps you up at night. I hope your friends see this, and I hope they realize how manipulative you are. I would wish you the best as I have in the past but honestly, you don’t deserve it.

Rot in hell, pedo.

[cthulz]

for someone that wanted to end things amicably, you sure do a lot of talking about me without realizing it will always find its way back to me.

do you know what the word amicable means? because i don’t think you do. this is exactly why i told you time and time again i didn’t want to be amicable, i never wanted to be your friend after the hell you put me through because i knew if things didn’t go your way, you would find a way to paint me as the villain in your twisted little mind. i’m used to it though, in fact i’d say i’m pretty numb to it by now because i know if i wanted to speak on everything that happened, i could bring you down faster than you could mutter out the same sorry apology you’ve given me the last 3 years- that thought alone brings me more comfort than you ever did.

you can go on thinking i’m some fragile, weak minded girl all you want but i’ve kept screenshots of everything dating back to 2018 when you cheated on me the first time (even though you swear up and down that never happened)

i’ve moved on with my life. i’ve found peace with everything that happened between us and i found a way to move past it, i hope you’re able to do the same in the near future.

[cthulz]

i’m tired, kendal

with my whole heart, i am tired. i am sick of people coming to me- telling me how much you’ve changed. how you’re a better person now. i am sick of people looking for drama that simply does not exist from me. i don’t care who you are, if you’ve changed or if you've continued to lie to everyone as you’ve done in the past. it does not concern me because at the end of the day, it is not my karma to deal with. i’ve accepted that i’m going to be the only one that knows the truth because i’m too nice to ruin your life like you ruined mine. thats something i have to live with- not you, not anyone coming to me. just me.

i have to live with knowing that you manipulated people you care about with a straight face. knowing that you, less than a year ago, told me you saw nothing wrong with your actions and only retracted that statement when i mentioned the possibility of (one day) being strong enough to talk about what you did to me behind closed doors. you ran like a scared dog with its tail between its legs because you knew you were wrong. despite all of that, i still let you back into my life like a complete fucking idiot and every day since, i’ve had multiple panic attacks. i avoid my phone like the plague out of fear of seeing your name pop up but i’m too scared to block you because you’ll know, and for some fucking reason i still don’t want to hurt your feelings over something so trivial even though you’ve never had an issue doing that to me.

if you don’t want to be honest with people about who you really are, don’t. i’m not going to make you, and i’m not going to go out of my way to expose you again because as much as i hate to admit it, you’re good at what you do. you’ll find a way to shift the blame onto me again, as you always have, knowing damn well you’ve worn me down enough that i don’t have the energy to defend myself against a monster like you.

that being said, i hope you’re able to sleep at night. knowing that i still exist after everything you put me through. knowing that one day, all of this will catch up to you and you’ll have nobody to blame but yourself. and when that day comes, i’ll be there to watch you struggle to stay afloat because we both know you’re not strong enough to do it on your own. fuck you. i’m going to bed.

[cthulz]

i really believed that things would be different this time, that things would be better but i guess its my own fault for remaining naive. i wanted to believe you because more than anything, i wanted to be with you- even if that meant sacrificing my own wants and needs (and mental health) so long as it made you happy.

i think i learned that growing up, watching my mom sacrifice everything for my father. i would watch her take constant verbal (and occasionally physical) abuse for most of my younger years- at least up until i was old enough to stop it. i thought for a long time thats how relationships were meant to be, give give give give and get nothing in return. and thats what the last 3 years have felt like, constantly giving and getting nothing in return. 

thats not to say that everything was bad because it wasnt. things never started off bad between us, i think we had a normal beginning. i was reading through our first couple weeks of talking the other night and i was so happy, i could see it in my dm’s to you. it broke my heart, i stopped reading it and cried myself to sleep. but thats not the point- the point is, i wish i could go back and tell my former self to run, as far and as fast as you can because in 3 years, you’re going to be laying in bed crying your eyes out wondering what you could’ve done differently to make somebody thats incapable of loving anybody other than themselves, love you.

truth is, i’m sure there are hundreds of things i could’ve done differently but it wouldn’t have mattered- you knew it was going to end up this way because it’s always ended up this way. you giving me the silent treatment for weeks, putting me in a position where i question myself and what i could’ve done differently.  giving me just enough time to stand up and start to feel better, just for you to come right back- apologizing, acknowledging that what you did was wrong and making me believe that you meant it. fully aware that i would take you back because thats how i am, its how my heart works. and thats the hardest part for me, believing that somebody that was supposed to love me never did. because this isn’t love- at least its not anymore. i’m not entirely sure what love is but i know its not this.

or maybe it is.