dailydiaryposts
To whom it may concern,
A daily journal entry- raw and unflitered.
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4/29/18
I feel like I’m in some sort of dream, some sort of nightmare, I just want it to be over, I want to wake up and everything be back to the way it was. I want to wake up and be dating X again, I want to wake up and be able to call him, tell him that I am sorry and that I love him and miss him. I want to tell him that he is worth any compromise and that I was wrong- we should be together. I want to not feel broken anymore, I want to feel loved again, I want to feel happy again. Today is the 29th. Our anniversary was on the 29th. I miss him so much- I want to reach out- to call him. I want him back. I thought I would be better by now. Its been 67 days. Its been over three months. But I’m not better, I still love him, I still miss him. I’m so upset, so alone.
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3/20/18
I am listening to my mend podcast right now and it is talking about something interesting. It is talking about mindsets. It describes that there are two primary mindsets- a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. People with a fixed mindset believe that they are born the way they are and their traits, overall, don’t change through life. People with a growth mindset believe that they are constantly changing and their traits- both good and bad, are malleable. Mend explains that in a breakup, people with a fixed mindset have a harder time dealing with the rejection of a breakup. These people see their breakup as a sign that they are unlovable and that they have some flaw that will keep coming up in all their relationships. People with a growth mindset see their breakup as an opportunity to reflect and grow and have an easier time bouncing back after a breakup.
I definitely have a growth mindset- I always have.
X, on the other hand, has a fixed mindset. When we broke up, during out long conversation through the breakup he said to me “I don’t think I’m ever going to find someone, I’m too much like my mom, I’m going to be single forever.” And yes, while that statement was a statement out of grief, it reflects the type of mindset he had throughout our entire relationship. This mending podcast really put to words something that I was constantly battling with X. He didn’t think certain situations would change him. For example, he wanted to be a police officer. I told him that being on the force would change him but he didn’t agree- he saw his mindset as fixed. When he was in the academy and he was learning how to fight, he was unable to be as aggressive as he needed to be- so he dropped out. He saw his lack of aggression as something that couldn't be fixed.
I constantly battled this mindset throughout our entire relationship. A lot of things make sense now. Like how I kept telling him he needed to be more romantic and loving towards me- and he told me it wasn't him, that those were things he wasn't capable of being. It was because he had a fixed mindset about who he was. I thought he didn’t love me enough to change- and that is partly true, he should have put in some effort, but he doesn't see himself as capable of growing or changing.
This is a big revelation for me in the dynamics of our relationship. It really shows me that things with us would have never worked out long term (and, well, they didn’t because we obviously broke up).
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3/19/18
I took my orgo exam this morning. I didn’t have time to finish. I was really disappointed in myself and frustrated with everything because I studied really hard and I feel like if I had more time I could have done better. Oh well- it’s in the past. Now I just need to work hard and devote myself to my other classes. I have a quiz tomorrow in microbiology that I haven't studied for yet. I’m waking up early tomorrow to get everything done. I need some time in the library to get everything done.
I missed X a little bit today. It’s hard to not remember only the good memories. I think I do this because I ignored all the bad things and just pushed them away. There were so many good memories though. Over two years filled with laughter, love, and fun. The beginning was better than the ending and I need to remember that things changed. I need to work on remembering things as they were. I think I’m going to do an activity with myself. Every time I remember a good memory, I am going to try and think of a bad memory (and vice versa).
I’m talking to a guy on tinder right now. We have been sending each other memes all day. He is funny and looks cute and seems to have a really good job. He asked me why I was on tinder- I told him I wanted people to talk to and possibly people to date. I asked him why he was on tinder- he told me that he wanted to talk to people and possibly find someone. Then he told me that he has a bad habit of falling for people who he goes on one date with and then tell him “they don’t want anything right now.” He said it’s really fucked him up.
This kinda scares me because I don’t know if I’m ready for someone right now. I don’t want to be responsible for fucking thus guy up more. I don’t know what I want. I’m still on tinder so that obviously says something? I don’t really know.
I don’t know what I want and that’s dangerous.
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3/18/18
I wasn’t able to post yesterday. I normally write in the evenings and yesterday I was busy with driving back to school and unpacking and moving all my stuff back in. I’m really going to try and do this everyday.
I had a whole post typed out- and for some reason the app crashed and tumblr just deleted it. Ugh.
Oh well- I guess the therapy is me just writing it out anyway. I’m typing it on my phone right now instead of my computer. I’ll have to get back into the regular swing of journaling tomorrow.
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3/16/18
Dear X,
It’s been 24 days. It’s kinda weird right? I talked to you every day for over two years and then, just like that, we don’t talk anymore. You were my best friend- I told you everything, you were my first to call with any kind of news. I miss your phone call while you drive to work- I liked talking to you, you were funny and made me smile. The hardest thing with the breakup initially was not having you to talk to. Whenever I was sad or anything while we were dating, you were the one I talked to, you made me feel better. But now, I’m on my own, I can’t use you to make me feel better. I think it’s important to remember that while I am on my own, I am not alone. You’re not alone either. You are choosing to cope differently than I am though. It’s hard not to judge you, I have to remember that you are not mine anymore and I am not entitled to have an opinion on what you do. I’m very opinionated, you know that lol.
It’s the weekend now, it’s tempting to check your location and see what you are up to. Did you keep checking my location? Is that why you blocked me on snapchat? I respect it. I blocked you from my finsta so I wouldn’t be tempted to post things to make you feel jealous. I went to a party last night. I went with my sister. I had fun drinking and dancing. I love partying, you know that. I’m young and in college. I hate that me wanting to party was such a point of tension in our relationship. I have tremendous respect in the trust you had for me. I respect that the tension surrounding my liking to party didn’t come from you worrying about me going out or you being jealous. I just wish you liked to party with me. I hate that we don’t like the same things.
You know all this- it’s one of the reasons we broke up. I think I just keep telling myself all the reasons we didn’t work out to make the decision to end things easier on me. It’s funny. When people ask about the breakup I purposefully don’t say things like “I broke up with him,” I always tell them it was a mutual decision. It was a mutual decision, right? Sure, I brought up the conversation but you agreed that it was a long time coming? Neither of us wanted to breakup, thats a given. But you agree that we did the right thing, it was a mutual decision?
I don’t know why this matters- who decided to end things. I’m just not used to making decisions without you. I feel like the whole breakup pain is easier if I know that the decision was mutual. I guess I just still need your assurance. I always used to look to you for advice. I guess I still am, just differently now.
#breakup#daily#journal#journal entry#daily diary#dear diary#diary#diary entry#daily journal#daily entry#emotions
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3/15/18
This is becoming on of my favorite parts of the day- I honestly think its because when I’m writing these posts, I’m allowing myself to feel and think freely. I still feel numb in my day to day so at least when I do this I’m feeling something.
I went to the DMV and got my photo taken for my new license. I’m really glad that the photo didn’t turn out horribly- I spent an hour on my makeup and even put on false lashes. I went to the doctor after the DMV and they told me I had bronchitis (ain’t nobody got time for that). The doctor gave me some medicine so hopefully my cough will go away. For dinner, my family and I went to a hibachi place in town. I have celiac disease and so all of my food has to be gluten free. The chef however, didn’t understand and used low sodium soy sauce instead of gluten free. Luckily, I caught his mistake and made myself throw up everything I had eaten- hopefully I got it all. I’ll know tomorrow though- I’ll get really bad blisters if I have any gluten.
Again- today was a busy day for me. When I wasn't running around downtown or getting poisoned at hibachi, I was studying for orgo. I haven't really thought about X at all.
I’m using this app called “Mend.” It’s an app designed for people going through breakups. Every day, you check in with how you are feeling and then it walks you through some sort of session. I liked the app in the beginning, it reassured me that my feelings were normal and it helped coach me through my sadness. Now, the app is trying to coach me through an ex detox. It want’s me to box up all of X’s stuff and block him/unfollow him on everything. I don’t really feel like I need to do that. I removed the photos I had up of him in my room and packed up a few of his shirts. I’m pretty sure he blocked me on snapchat. Idk I guess I could stop stalking his location through my mom’s snapchat lol. I’ll try that. I think I may unsubscribe from the app though- it’s not really helping me anymore.
Tomorrow I’m going to study orgo all day. My sister comes home from a costa-rica mission trip so I’ll spend some time with her. UNC plays basketball so I’ll try and watch some of that.
Ok- quick prompt today because this is already a long post.
Prompt: List 10 things that make you smile.
1. Dogs- especially black labs and bulldogs
2. Those tiny kitchen cooking videos
3. My little and her boyfriend- his love for her is unconditional and she is probably my best friend.
4. My family- no matter what, despite the dysfunction, my family never fails to make me smile
5. Acts of kindness- whenever I see someone doing good for someone else, it always makes my day better.
6. When people treat me like I am special- it can be something small like a casual compliment or someone taking the time out of their day to check in on me.
7. Memes- ya girl loves a good meme
8. My friends- I don’t have many people I consider to be my friend but those who I do call my friend are such sources of joy in my life
9. Myself- I am one of the funniest people I know and I’m always making myself laugh
10. Good food- like burgers or pizza or pasta or literally anything fried or covered in cheese. Good food makes me happy.
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3/14/18
I didn’t really think about X today. It was nice- I like the days where I don’t think about him, it makes my life easier. I think, in part, the reason he stayed off my mind today was because I stayed busy. I have an orgo exam on Monday and I have been studying pretty hard.
I’m still sick, I’m going to the doctor tomorrow. Hopefully they will give me something for my cough. After the doctor, I have to go to the DMV because my license is expired. Another busy day will be good for me, help me to stay focused on my life and not my emotions.
Because I didn’t spend all day today feeling down and sad and thinking about X, I don’t really have a lot to write about. I think I’ll do a prompt today.
Prompt: What is something about yourself that you’re proud of?
I am very proud of my resilience. I think I am strong. I feel like that’s a weird trait to see in oneself- it’s usually something people don’t describe themselves as--it’s something people say about other people. I just think that I am resilient. While I have grown up better off than most- I have been through so much shit in my life. Through social struggles ever since I was young, to chronic disease, to chaotic family dynamics, I have always emerged stronger than before. Being rejected by friends in middle school taught me to accept myself and ignore others. Eating lunch by-myself in high school taught me to be happy being alone. Struggling with heart disease taught me to not give up. It’s funny though. All these life lessons and I’m still struggling with a boy who broke my heart. It’s like I’m good at handling the little things- the judgmental looks form others, the frustration in overcoming small problems. But as soon as I come face to face with something big- I buckle at my knees. I’m not living in despair though, because I am resilient. I may feel broken right now, but I know this won’t break me and I will come back stronger and smarter than before. This may be hard and I may be hurting and struggling but this is only temporary. I am stronger. I am resilient. I will overcome.
Things will just take time.
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I heard the song “Something’s gotta give” by Camila Cabello last night and it really made me think about my relationship and breakup with X.
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3/13/18
I had a dream last night. X’s old roommate was following me around and was mad at me because I broke up with X. He wouldn't talk to me, he wouldn't listen and I kept trying to explain to him that the breakup was mutual and we ended on good terms. He was mad I hurt X.
I was right though. We did end on good terms- we ended things with mutual love and respect for eachother. We ended things knowing that we weren't working and our relationship had changed. There were compatibility issues- we both acknowledged it. I still feel bad though. X was the first man I have ever seen cry. I honestly didn’t think he cared about me that much. He sure didn’t treat me like he cared about me.
I have been mad at X lately. I think its the stage of grief I am on- anger. Since we have been broken up (its been 3 weeks now), he has spent two of his three free weekends at this girl’s house. She lives close to 4 hours away. I know this girl- well I know of this girl. She and X were friends when he was in college. I always had a weird feeling whenever he would talk about her. I felt like he had some sort of feelings for her, he would always deny it. He isn’t the cheating type, that I’m confident in. Still, he would text her occasionally and even went down with some friends to visit her one weekend while we were dating. Its interesting, I date X for two years and he only sees this girl once, and now that we have broken up, he’s is spending all his time with her. She’s pretty, totally his type. The other day he drove four hours to see her, left his house on a Sunday afternoon, spent the night at her place, and drove four hours back home the next morning for work. He used to complain about driving 20 minutes to come and see me. It’s some fucked up shit. I gave him over two years of my life- I gave him so much unconditional love. I don’t regret it, I’m just mad that he is trying to rebound with this chick- trying to forget me.
What’s strange is that its totally uncharacteristic of him to be fucking this girl. He had only ever slept with 3 people in his entire life- two other long term girlfriends and then me. He used to tell me that if we broke up not to come crawling back to him because he was done with “messy on and off again relationships.” He used to tell me that if we broke up and I fucked another person, he would never take me back. I used to think he was so strong and resilient but all that his current behavior with this new chick is showing me is that he is weak. Well, I guess weak isn’t the right word; we are all weak after a breakup. It’s just that after a breakup we are forced to step up to the plate, to show the world what we are made of. To heal and to push forward. He isn’t doing that, he is hiding away, pushing his emotions away. It makes me angry because he is bitching out, and I’m stuck being strong alone. I will admit- I went on tinder, it was just something to fill the time, to give me people to talk to because I was so lonely. I went on one tinder date and immediately knew I wasn't ready. I told the guy that. I’m proud of myself for that.
I’m disgusted by X. I think I will be for a while, right now I just need to forget about him and stop stalking his snapchat location- I promise I’m not psycho, I’m just a normal 21st century kid experiencing heartbreak. It’s hard not to think about him though, to wonder what (or who) he is doing and how he is feeling. I have to get my stuff back from him eventually. I’m scared to see him again- I’m worried it will bring back all kinds of bad emotions. I think I’ll do it two weeks from now. Who knows.
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3/12/18
I feel numb today. I’ve felt numb for a while. I’m not happy, but I’m not sad either. I’m just kind of existing. It’s late but I don’t want to sleep- I’d say its because I don’t want to dream but thats too dramatic. I’m lonely now. I don’t have people to talk to. It’s weird- I didn’t think texting was a big part of my life but I guess it is. I’m all over the place because I don’t know what to say or what I should say. I know writing will help- I guess it will force me to process things I’d rather not feel. I don’t know why I have decided to share these entries. I guess its just a comforting thought that someone will read them and connect with me.
I just turned 21, it was a ton of fun. I invited tons of people to come out and party with me and only three people showed up. Two of which were people I didn’t know very well. That hurt. I think it hurt so badly because it was right after the breakup. I still went out and had fun. I made the most of it and got really drunk. I made out with another guy- it was weird to kiss another person after dating X for so long. I didn’t really think about it. I was drunk. My friend drove up to see me the next day. He wants to fuck me but I don’t want to fuck him lol. I ended up getting the flu and not being able to go out for my birthday weekend. I’m still sick now- its been two weeks. I think my stress and grief are manifesting themselves as actual physical illness. I’m not good at handling emotions. I don’t want to deal with them. They make me uncomfortable and do nothing but stress me out. Thats why I think writing helps. I’m going to try and do this every day. I think some days I will find a prompt and other days I will just free-write like I am doing right now.
It’s and interesting idea- journaling online. I wonder if people will read it. I hope people will read it. I feel like I can be inspiring sometimes. I go through so much shit that I might as well inspire others. Mainly though I need to do this for me, I need to have some sort of diligence in my life to do stuff. I think that when I am lonely or sad or thinking about X I should just do this. It can be a way for me to sort through my feelings without actually having to talk to people.
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