damnmiranda

[damnmiranda]

Its so funny when i tried my best to hide my cut and make it look like just a little scratch but then i would wake up with a big scratch in my forearm HAHAHAH its like my body still unconsciously like to self harm when im asleep

#selfharm #cut #self harm

[damnmiranda]

What if im still alive because i am always anxious so i actually subconsciously try my best to avoid dangerous situations eventhough i really really want to die so badly

#suicide #death #unalive

[damnmiranda]

SOOOOO PETTY

Ive been really trying to lessen my consumption of (cleaning) alcohol because i thought that we are running out of stock and my mom still doesnt have a plan on buying a new one. She even complained how i use tooooo much alcohol and continued to blabber shits about me. I cant really deny that i use A LOT of alcohol cuz i can consume a small bottle just by cleaning my rooms in a single time. BUT hey, its her fault that i probably have OCD and its worsening since the pandemic.

So proceeding to the issue, i noticed that her bottles of alcohol is filled up eventhough i cant see our stock of alcohol. And that is when i realized that she may have been hiding the gallon of alcohol from me. Alcohol has been such a basic neccesity for me nowadays so i felt really pissed when i felt like shes depriving me of something i need. Like, go deprive me with love and care, but alcohol????? Bitch im about ruin your life!

#mother #fucker #alcohol #OCD

[damnmiranda]

having children wont save your marriage. PERIODT.

story time. my older brother’s wife is pregnant and their 1st child is still just 11 months old. they would often let mom take care of their baby because they both have jobs. even though they are both working from home due to the pandemic situation, they still dont take much of their time to take care of their own fucking child. actually, their first baby was unplanned and it just probably forced them to get married. and i have observed that in the past few weeks, my brother and his wife often quarrel or mad at each other. its probably because their housemaid quit from job so they are forced to have more tasks. although, most of the time, their child is at our house and my mom, aunt and I are the ones in-charge of taking care of the baby. its pretty obvious that they are not doing the best job at being parents. and im so pissed with that because i also get tired of babysitting. 

im kinda freaking out right now and i feel bad for hoping that their 2nd child will be aborted. its just that i can observe that they are not able to really take care of their child and im also not sure if they would be able to financially support 2 kids. if im bad for being concerned to the babies and its negative to our family dynamics then oh well whatever.

#kids #irresponsible parents #idontwanttohavechildren #another reason to not have children

[damnmiranda]

If my period wont still come tomorrow, ill probably let out a different kind of blood. Pms really fucks me up emotionally bruh

[damnmiranda]

I just want to shut everyone out of my life, or should i just leave them? Like leave this world kind of leave?

[damnmiranda]

Me while casually buying snacks on a convenience store with a friend

Me: maybe i should also buy a zonrox

My friend: gago

Me: pang linis kasi hihi

(Pero syempre joke lang yun, i would definitely drink it up?)

p.s. its funny how she would immediately assume and associate it with suicide hahahaha she knows me so well

#suicide #dark humor

[damnmiranda]

My wrist getting itchy may be my body's way of telling me that i should cut on it or maybe slit it already haha

[damnmiranda]

Joked around with my online friend who wants to meet me and then told him that it would be a great idea if he would hit me with a car when we meet, and he still thought that i was joking????? wHACK HAHAHAHAHA

[damnmiranda]

Why am i emotionally torturing myself by making a letter for my 25 years old self when i dont even know if i would be able to survive this pandemic????

[damnmiranda]

Possible self-harm alternative??

Tw: self harm

Dyeing hair with color red!!

It will seem like you are bathing with blood . Idk if this will work with all hair dyes but i used a cheap dye so it bleeds even after several showers.

I am actually clean for several months and i freaked out a little bit when i saw our bathroom floor full of red water haha. I also hate it when i see my body with red drops of water.

Disclaimer: ofc im not encouraging self harm tendencies and i just wanna share alternatives to those who still suffer from this struggles

#self-harm #alternative

[damnmiranda]

Maybe this can also be a reason why i sometimes dont want to be alive anymore, i think that i cant do anything purposeful and remarkable because im just a piece of shit.

““What is the point of being alive if you don’t at least try to do something remarkable?””

— An Abundance of Katherines by John Green (via naturaekos)

[damnmiranda]

I hope im lucky enough to find someone

““I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.””

—

[damnmiranda]

[damnmiranda]

communicate.

my life would have been hella better if i was just able to say things that i needed to say or i wanted to say. 

I am pretty much a quiet person. i really feel like if people have a total word count after death, mine would be very much below average. Especially during this pandemic and i am just together with my mom, i really hardly talk even if she continues to blabber things. I would just answer when she asks me something and its in a very concise manner to avoid any more conversation. I just really hate talking to people im not comfortable with. Yes, i am not comfortable with my own mom. Not being close is an understatement, its more like i distance myself i guess??

Even with my dad, its not that i dont want to talk to him but its just that i cant, because he speaks another language and we really cant understand each other. I guess i also just didnt bother to try to talk to him because we both have a quiet nature, but i did really want to study his language. 

Im in deep thought about this idea because of what recently happened to me. My phone is broken for 3 months and it took me a month and a half before i told my mom that it was broken. But because of the lockdown situation, it took weeks before she was able to hand it in a repair shop and sadly, they failed to fix it cuz the broken part was unavailable in their shop so we need to wait uncertainly. 

Unexpectedly, my mom decided to just buy me a new phone and dad agreed without hesitation and was ready to send the money. I am shookt haha, we are not rich and we were raised as children who dont really demand things. If this is how easy it was for me to have a new phone, then i shouldnt have waited months before i did something ugh. Just because i despised explaining and talking to my mom, i chose to struggle with not having a phone hahahaha im such a dumbass

#communicate #just say it #new phone yayy #im a dumbass

[damnmiranda]

growing up with a culture that people who are family-oriented are deemed as a good person, i somehow feel ashamed of myself for hating my family. especially when my family can be considered as an “okay” family in the eyes of society. i would really like to consider myself as a “good” person, i am morally upright, i practice values in accordance to the society i live in, and i try my best to help other people. therefore, i hate the idea just because im not a family-oriented person, it makes me less of a good person. dont get me wrong, i dont really disobey my parents and i treat my family members well. im just not really fond of the idea that i am stuck with people (my family members) who i didnt choose to be with and i have to endure being with them for the rest of my life and its like if i will ever cut them out of my life, that will make me a bad person. i just want people i choose to be with and people who i like to be the ones who are a part of my life. thats that.

#family #what is good or bad #stuck #i am pro choice #asian culture #sucks

[damnmiranda]

Poisonous relationships can alter our perception. You can spend many years thinking you’re worthless … But you’re NOT worthless. You’re unappreciated.

Steve Maraboli (via onlinecounsellingcollege)