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darkmoonrecovery · 3 years
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Mary Oliver, "The Fourth Sign of the Zodiac." Blue Horses
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darkmoonrecovery · 3 years
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hey y'all unfriendly reminder that "psychotic" does not mean "someone who is scary and violent" it means "someone who experiences psychosis" and to conflate the two is ableist
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darkmoonrecovery · 3 years
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everything I thought I couldn’t handle, I kept handling.
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darkmoonrecovery · 3 years
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told my friend i heavily relate to olivia rodrigo and got the response "what is this bestie". but am i wrong. olivia rodrigro queen of getting so upset about something that is no longer that big of a deal like two days later. me too.
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darkmoonrecovery · 3 years
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[does normal stuff but in a manner that makes it obvious there is something wrong with my brain]
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darkmoonrecovery · 3 years
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diary entry // may 22 2021
feeling: good, a bit anxious
today was a 7/10
today was a pretty normal day. i'm mostly caught up on school, i finished two assignments (one of which was an essay so i'm really happy that i got that done). ate well today, too, and i went for another run. my mom picked up allergy meds today finally so i'm not sneezing uncontrollably this time :). as a side note, does anyone find they drink so much more water when there's a straw involved? i swear i haven't been this hydrated in so long.
really good news is i made up with the friend i argued with! he said he didn't take it personally which is so relieving, sometimes i forget that not everyone takes things as personally as i do. it was definitely stressful but that's not on my mind anymore which is so great. even though i still do feel a bit bad about losing control of myself, i think the most important thing is that i can make up for what i do wrong. i may never be able to fully control my anger after all, so it's probably more fruitful to focus on what i can control.
i am feeling a lot more grounded again, even though i am a bit anxious at the moment. i feel like a real person again, which is ideal. i also feel like my goals are achievable. and i just feel so much more present and grateful again! the moon has been shining through my window the past couple of nights and i'm kind of just like wow. i'm glad i'm still here.
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darkmoonrecovery · 3 years
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eucalyptus !!!!!
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darkmoonrecovery · 3 years
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darkmoonrecovery · 3 years
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sunset from yesterday / sunrise from this morning / sunrise from last friday
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darkmoonrecovery · 3 years
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When I was in school, one of my art teachers used to say “this world needs more creators. There’s more than enough destroyers in the world today.”
Just a reminder, if you create anything–art, writing, food, machines, ideas, equations, knits, tools, gardens–the world needs you.
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darkmoonrecovery · 3 years
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unfortunately im very self aware
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darkmoonrecovery · 3 years
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eat your feelings, sleep them away, walk your feelings, walk on them, literally nothing matters it's okay you're allowed to go a little crazy once in a while... you're not bad for eating too much or not wanting to do something... you're alright... you're very nice even... love u
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darkmoonrecovery · 3 years
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diary entry // may 21 2021
feeling: happy
today was an 8/10
my paranoia has been steadily declining to a normal level (for me) after my episode last week, and last night it was low enough that i could pray again :) i'm really not sure whether it's the spiritual aspect of prayer or just the fact that it's very grounding, whether my deities are reaching out to help me or whether my deities are aspects of my own psyche - but either way, it helps. i also wrote down a list of my values to help guide me back to centeredness, i would recommend anyone who sees this to do that! it's a DBT skill, and i can see why. it's much easier to think of what i stand for and what is important to me than who i am. it also helps to better conceptualize long-term goals when we know our values.
i woke up super late still, around 4pm. i didn't feel great when i woke up, but i got out of bed because i remembered i had food. after i ate i spent about two hours trying to convince myself to exercise, as one does. i ended up going for a run! running is one of those things that i always think won't help that much, but it always helps. it's unlike any other form of exercise for me. i think it's the being outside and getting some sun/fresh air, plus the fact that it really satisfies my "flight" instinctual response. i've been stopping to walk a lot on my runs, because i'm a bit out of running shape and also because my allergies are the worst right now, but it still is always worth it!
it's 4:30am right now, i've been working on school since midnight. i actually got five days of calculus done if you can believe it. i'm feeling much more confident now because i don't feel like i'm irreparably behind. it's a long weekend so i think i will be caught up by the time class starts again!
emotions changing really quickly is like the trademark of BPD, and it's hard to remember that when i'm feeling really low i will probably feel good again soon. i think these diary entries will help. and stuff like exercise and eating always helps me to get there faster. along with prayer. the task now is just to do these things more instinctually.
(still have some interpersonal things to resolve that slipped away from me during my episode but i think for now, i'm doing well enough)
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darkmoonrecovery · 3 years
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Thank you for engaging in the mortifying ordeal of being known so that I may partake in the euphoric experience of knowing you.
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darkmoonrecovery · 3 years
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i think i'm going to try to force myself back into my practice a bit, i know it will suck at first but maybe it'll make it a bit easier after. affirmations, breathwork, and a cleansing shower :) and i'm going to try to visit the forest tomorrow, it's going to be a bit cold but should be okay
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darkmoonrecovery · 3 years
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diary entry // may 20 2021
feeling: pain
today was a 4/10
everything is painful right now. i hate that i ghost my friends. i hate that i can't stay interested in anything that used to give me meaning. i hate that i can't keep up with school. i hate what i've said to people when i'm angry. i want so desperately to just be loved, it feels like everyone rejects me and i just want someone to be in love with me.
it snowed today. i've been in bed most of the day because i'm tired. i'm missing assignments.
i just feel like i'll be sick forever. i feel like people find it so hard to like me. i don't know.
a good thing that happened today is i made food. i love cooking. and now i have some good food for tomorrow too.
pandemic isolation is really difficult, i think. a lot of my friends have physical touch love languages, and mine is quality time, so i feel really distant from people.
i guess it's not totally my fault for not keeping up with my friends either, because they don't text me all the time. we're all busy, we're all struggling.
i just really want to stop feeling disconnected from everything. maybe i need to start meditating more, but it's so hard right now. i feel disconnected from my identity, from my spiritual beliefs, from my passions, and from most of my friends. i am basically being held together by a bunch of random obsessions. i really just don't know who i am.
i know it's okay to feel lost, but it doesn't make it suck less. i want to "recenter" myself, but at the same time i just feel like reinventing everything. giving up, i guess. there's a passage in my DBT handbook about willingness vs. willfulness. i feel really stuck in willfulness right now, and i don't know what to do. i don't feel willing to change, to work harder. i drag my feet doing anything. i can't commit fully to daily life activities. everything is so hard.
i usually go for long walks in the forest when this happens. i haven't because i'm not sure if it will lead me to do something dangerous, but i'm feeling well enough that i think i might try. just try to connect back to my practices even though i feel like they have failed me.
i feel hollow :/
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darkmoonrecovery · 3 years
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lines from poems i wrote about my fp when i was 15 and we were breaking up
(i titled this poem stevia, because at the time i felt like the whole friendship was fake sweetness)
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when i cut off my first fp, it shattered me. i remember he told me i was overreacting and i probably was, but i had to explain that the reason i just stopped talking to him for two weeks was i was so angry and upset that i didn't trust myself to even speak.
i barely saw anyone that whole summer, i felt so, so terrible. i cried for weeks on end. i asked all of my friends over and over and over what to do, and i just couldn't figure out why it hurt so badly.
i felt so betrayed, because i told him he was the reason i was still alive, and i couldn't believe he would leave so easily. even though i treated him so terribly in that last month that him leaving was a rational decision. i felt like he never really cared about me. it's this classic "why didn't you stop me?" mentality. of course he didn't stop me, he was a 15 year old boy. it was just a mistake to him. it was the end of the world to me.
when i came back to school after that summer, i had to switch out of classes, i couldn't bear to see him. i had an anxiety attack every time i saw him for months. i was still. so. angry. and it was so irrational, because he had only said a couple of things that bothered me, and he had apologized, but i still felt like he had betrayed me.
i'm still bad with break ups, honestly. i always want to know why someone chose to hurt me, why they "never cared about me", even if that's not what happened. i still get angry months later.
i don't know if i get over people. and that hurts.
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