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Passion

My life lacks passion. I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I don’t know where to go.

Whenever I try hard at something I do worse.

It seems like nobody understands my outlook.

This side of the country is not for me. I’ll move to another state as soon as I graduate. Sights are set on WA.

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Purpose Found?

I often write extensively about purpose on this blog. Specifically the lack of purpose in life, and the importance of finding our own purpose/meaning. I never really had a purpose to strive for, so for awhile I was all talk. 

I believe I have found that purpose for myself. I don’t quite know how to put it into words, but I have recently noticed a nagging urge to do something. What that something is, I am still not 100% sure. However, I feel the urge to go achieve something each day, regardless of how much I have done. I feel a certain emptiness that doesn’t pain me, but rather gives me comfort and inspires me to do more. 

I’m taking a class on entrepreneurship, and I think it is this taste of the real world that is bringing me such a unique feeling. I feel inspired to act, and to lead; to create, and to learn. Life is looking up, and I am not so afraid of making a mistake that I stay complacent anymore. It’s time to actually do what I have been talking about for so damn long. 

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It’s good to revisit old thoughts. I just went through a break-up and it had been taking its toll on me, subconsciously. I had a tinge of regret for letting go of what I thought to be ideal.

Upon re-reading these thoughts I had during our relationship, I realized that I allowed her to create a lot of negativity in my life. I was too dependent on her for my own happiness to realize she was the very one bringing me down.

All of my doubt, the emptiness I felt. That was her. I used to find it banal to say “love is like a drug.” But in all honesty, I felt the symptoms of withdrawal and addiction. I needed her, and she gave me just enough to stay hooked. But she always took more than she gave, and that left a hole in my spirit.

The purpose of saying this is not to bash my ex. It’s to hilight the importance of revisiting old thoughts. Doing so has brought me closure.

I have so much doubt

I have so much doubt about my life: my relationships, my feelings, my hopes…

And I have no motivation to express it publicly.

The ones I should be able to talk to about this are the ones furthering my doubt.

Trapped. That’s how I feel right now. Trapped. In my own miserable routine.

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I have so much doubt

I have so much doubt about my life: my relationships, my feelings, my hopes...

And I have no motivation to express it publicly.

The ones I should be able to talk to about this are the ones furthering my doubt.

Trapped. That’s how I feel right now. Trapped. In my own miserable routine.

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Postmodernism and Metafiction in Italo Calvino’s The Nonexistent Knight: An Exploration of a Change in Mindset of the Artistic and Literary Culture after the Modern Era

The following is a paper I wrote a few years back regarding metafiction, postmodernism, and existentialism in literature.

Italo Calvino’s The Nonexistent Knight is a beautiful display of literary techniques, as well as a wonderful array of depictions of satire towards the tales of the Charlemagne era of France. Calvino shows his opinions through hidden meanings of his own characters’ personalities and actions. In order to understand the change in the mindset of a culture through literature and art during the 20th century, one should perform an analytical examination of Calvino’s The Nonexistent Knight with regard to postmodernism and metafiction.

To begin seeing the usage of postmodernism and metafiction in the context of the novel, one must first know what the two viewpoints and states of mind are (“Postmodern” 1). Postmodernism is a section of art and literary history when many artists strayed away from the modernistic point of view, which was very systematic and pro-progress. Modernism denounced that which could not be observed, and was founded in a very literal world based solely on observation. Postmodernism hit a strong point in literature during the early 20th century, towards the end of WWII, largely due to the use of the atom bomb. This gave reason for people to question the validity of scientific progress as the only acceptable route of exploration, and the belief that there is no absolute or guaranteed truth took hold. Postmodernism goes directly against everything that modernism stood for, as it takes things that had previously been seen as true or undeniably valid, and puts them in question, while taking things which were previously regarded as outrageous and gives them an opportunity to be accepted. Social constructs such as gender boundaries, social classes, and systematic order were driven farther out from guaranteed belief. Metafiction is a form of postmodernist idealism, and the form of abstraction and expression that is depicted is one of peculiar situations. For example, a technique commonly used to depict metafiction is author intrusion into one’s own novel, or the “breaking of the fourth wall.” Other techniques such as vicious circles, fragmentation, and loose plot can be observed in The Nonexistent Knight as well. Individually, these two techniques are seen throughout the novel in characters, actions, and events, and they also work together to form the basis of Calvino’s underlying satirical message about war and Charlemagne’s reign over France. To see how Calvino uses these techniques, one must look deeply into the text of the novel itself.

Postmodernism can be seen throughout The Nonexistent Knight in characters such as Agilulf and Torrismund, as well as in events such as Agilulf’s disappearance. To begin, Agilulf is the book’s incarnation of modernism, as far as his actions are concerned. He performs tasks in a systematic order, and there is a “right way” to do everything. For example, when Agilulf is with Priscilla, he has a method to making her bed, making her look beautiful, and even positioning her bed with relation to the sunlight which is cast through her window. Even when she finally gets him into her bed, says “‘the fire is smoking. I will get up to see why the flue does not draw’” (Calvino 102). Priscilla’s only wish is to have Agilulf in embrace in her bed, and he instead goes about the room fixing things to make the entire scene “correct.” This shows Calvino’s depiction of modernism because Agilulf will not acknowledge the fact that she is throwing herself at him, and the more important thing to him is keeping the room proper. Even when religion comes up, Calvino shows a flaw of modernism by making Agilulf unable to see any of the other religions as acceptable. His own religion, Christianity (most likely only because it is the religion of Charlemagne, whom he regards as his master), is the only religion that Agilulf will tolerate. When he meets Gurduloo in Morocco, Gurduloo is with some Moors on a fishing vessel. They ask for Agilulf’s help, but he tells them that “knights do not join enterprises [. . .] if conducted by enemies of his religion” (Calvino 111). At the end of the novel, Agilulf disappears into thin air and “‘[. . .] leave[s] [his] armor to Sir Raimbaut of Roussillon’” (Calvino 132). Symbolically, this can be interpreted by a reader as the passing on of the modernistic point of view to open up a window of opportunity for postmodernism to slide in. Another character who shows Calvino’s postmodern thoughts quite well is Torrismund, who has a realization about the falseness of and lack of solidity to the very idea of war itself, when he and Raimbaut are wandering along and debating the topic. His most profound argument towards war with regards to postmodernism is that “‘Insignia, marks, ranks, titles [. . .] All mere show. Those paladins’ shields with armorial bearings and mottoes are not made of iron; they’re just paper, you can put your finger through them’” (Calvino 68). This statement is bold, for Torrismund denounces the entire idea of knighthood in one simple phrase, saying that one can put their finger through the so-called iron shields, for they mean absolutely nothing. This shows Calvino’s postmodernistic thinking undoubtedly, because Torrismund is showing that war, soldiers, and rankings are all mere constructs of a culture so bent on war and addicted to fighting that nothing else seems to make sense. War is just a sick game played for the names of kings. None of the knights are better than the average man according to Calvino, shown through Torrismund’s strong opinions. The actions that one has completed are not what defines their character.

However, postmodernism gets even more specific when one delves into the realm of metafiction. This complex series of literary strategies can be seen through the character Sister Theodora, as well as through the remarks of Charlemagne, himself. As Sister Theodora writes her tale of the knights’ journeys, she frequently jumps in to speak directly to the audience. One such occurrence is at the end of the novel when it is revealed that Sister Theodora and Bradamante are the same person, when she writes, “yes, my book. Sister Theodora who tells this tale and the Amazon Bradamante are one and the same” (Calvino 140). Calvino writes about a character who writes a story and breaks into it to write about how she writes this story. The many different levels provide all sorts of possible angles of expression that the author may use. It is a great way for Calvino to really show what he thinks about any situation, by breaking this fourth wall, and having Sister Theodora comment on her own tales of adventure. Another aspect of metafiction is that whenever anyone is around Agilulf, it only takes a matter of seconds for any given character to accept that Agilulf is a knight that does not exist, yet has a voice and moves as if he does exist. For example, when Charlemagne first meets Agilulf, he says, “‘Oh yes, yes [. . .] for someone who doesn’t exist, you seem in fine form!’” (Calvino 7). The way that others react to the realization that Agilulf is nothing but armor with a voice is so peculiar, that it is obvious when one does it. If Agilulf were to exist in real life, people would find it impossible to accept what was before them, for it is so unbelievable. Yet, the characters in The Nonexistent Knight seem to feel otherwise. Calvino masterfully crafts each character’s opinion of Agilulf’s existence to show off one of the aspects of metafiction, and therefore of postmodernism as well. The fact that people so easily deal with seemingly outrageous situations shows a reader that not only does a postmodernist see things that were once thought to be true as less valid, but also the postmodernist will see things that were once thought to be ridiculous and intangible as very possible and just as likely as something very common to the reader’s life. Characters do not take long to cope with Agilulf’s strange trait, because they do not see it as entirely peculiar. Charlemagne may joke about it a couple of times, however in the end he still does not take long to accept it, which shows the device of metafiction very efficiently.

Throughout the novel, almost every event, character, relationship, story, or literary device can be analyzed by a reader for its postmodern and metafictional aspects, however the examples used are some of the stronger and more applicable ones. In Calvino’s writing, every single sentence seems to be masterfully crafted to fit the novel and to portray his actual feelings about postmodernism and metafiction. His work is representative of a culture of artists and writers who saw the need for a change in mentality, and took it. The Nonexistent Knight is a wonderfully entertaining novel which also shows the basis of what is seen as a revolution in the artistic and literary culture.

Works Cited

Calvino, Italo. The Nonexistent Knight. Trans. Archibald Colquhoun. Orlando: Harcourt, Inc. 1959. Print.

Shmoop Editorial Team. "Postmodern Literature Characteristics." Shmoop.com. Shmoop  University, Inc., 11 Nov. 2008. Web. 27 Apr. 2015. <http://www.shmoop.com/postmodern-literature/characteristics.html>.

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Response to “Beyond Happiness and Unhappiness”

The following is a response I made a few years back to an assigned reading of an interview between Eckhart Tolle and Steven Donoso.

           Eckhart Tolle has had a very interesting life, and at a young age he experiences an epiphany where he realizes that there is more (or less, depending on how one chooses to look at it) to life than meets the eye. He realizes at the age of 21 that everything he had been living for previously is just a figment of imagination. Nothing is a guaranteed truth aside from what is happening at the present moment. Eckhart Tolle discusses with Steven Donoso the efforts of one to find oneself and reach a level of self-importance or self-realization through society, technology, and our family.

           Firstly, society plays a major role on the cultural norm of trying to make oneself into something more than they are. With society comes the ideas of having to fit in, or live up to standards and expectations of the people around us. Tolle says to Donoso that “even those who in the eyes of the world have ‘made it’ feel they haven’t arrived, that their story is incomplete, that so far it hasn’t gone the way it was supposed to go” (Donoso 6). This brings up another point of perspective, and that is the fact that Tolle tries his very best to never focus on the past or on the future, because the present is the only thing that anyone ever experiences, and the past and future, when spent thinking about, will only give false expectations of how one’s life should be, which will ultimately make someone unhappy when they do not reach the position that they believe they deserve. Also, in society, we as people create natural enemies. This also ties into psychology as well, for it is in the human subconscious to find natural enemies within groups that we do not necessarily fit into. Once we put labels on these groups, and point out their differences, it dehumanizes the groups in our own minds, and makes it easier to hate them, even at times to the extent of killing them and feeling no remorse (Donoso 7). Tolle has a very similar mindset to that of a postmodernist artist who has the intentions to break down social barriers and constructs, and prove that nothing is exactly true or certain. For example, here, he explains that having social barriers and classes that serve no purpose other than to divide people into groups makes us into mad cattle just waiting to be slaughtered by one another.

           Another important aspect of one’s false sense of self is that of technology. Much like with the turn of the artistic mindset from modernism to postmodernism, Tolle uses the example of war to illustrate how technology can have “very dramatic downsides to them” (Donoso 7). Tolle’s example uses World War I, and he talks about how the technology that came about with the war was originally interpreted as a great thing, and it was seen as a helpful tool in advancement of society, however it quickly had become something that nobody wanted a part of. Technology is a means of making new tools, and more efficient ways of making life easier and better, however it can also be a means of creating weapons of mass destruction which can definitely hinder one’s freedoms of life.

           Lastly, Tolle mentions that family plays an important role in establishing one’s self, and that it “begins when your parents tell you what your name is” (Donoso 6). According to Tolle, this puts a toddler into a spiral of self-importance because they will think “‘Oh, that’s me’” (Donoso 6), and repeat their own name in their head over and over and over, and it will set them onto a path of struggle to live up to a name that was given to them by someone else. Tolle also talks about how some parents are very harsh on their children, and tell them that they will never be good enough for the family. He says that some parents obviously do not parent this way, but regardless the conditioned need to live up to the name that a child is given remains. And, as one progresses through life, they will constantly feel judged, unimportant, stressed, or depressed, from “judgments and concepts and belief systems” (Donoso 6).

           These influences definitely bring about problems, as all of them lead to a person chasing after something that does not even truly exist for them. Life will pass those types of people by and they will be miserable. Tolle concludes the interview with Donoso by saying that humankind needs to adopt the higher-level thinking and consciousness, habitually (Donoso 11). He says that without a total shift in mentality, humankind will basically go mad and die out, but with the new thought processes, we will thrive as a species. His final moving words are “but a very important factor in whether or not humankind will make it is you” (Donoso 11). Tolle puts the power of happiness, contentment, and free will into the hands of the reader/interviewer, and says that in order for humankind to survive as a whole, we must first individually begin to make the changes for our own lives.

Works cited:

Donoso, Steven. “Beyond Happiness and Unhappiness: An Interview with Spiritual Teacher Eckhart Tolle.” The Sun July 2002: 4-11. Print.

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The Myth of Sisyphus

The following is a response I made a few years back to an assigned reading on The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus. 

The Myth of Sisyphus

           When Camus says that “all… has not been, exhausted” (Camus 3), he means to say that no matter what comes at a man, no matter what setbacks or obstacles may present themselves to him, he always has the free will to choose a solution. He may do any number of things, and if nothing works, then there is always the option to take his own life, in an act of sacrifice. One shouldn’t kill themselves out of pure inability to cope with a situation or find a better way to solve an issue, nor should they kill themselves out of depression. Instead, they should exhaust every possible attempt at a solution before deciding to remove themselves from the world of the living. The ability for man to express free will “drives out… a god who had come into it with dissatisfaction and a preference for futile suffering” (Camus 3). When we take matters into our own hands and decide that we as individuals may existentially determine our own paths that we may take in life, or at least our own outlook on these paths, we defeat an oppressive “god” who may be watching over us and trying to force us to live in sorrow and pain. When we have control over our opinions and emotions, then no god can take away from us the ability to be happy, no matter what they make us do. “It makes fate a human matter, which must be settled by humans” (Camus 3), says that there is no higher power that tells humans how to live their lives. If we choose to believe that such a world exists, then even that is existential in expressing the ability to choose. To refuse to make a choice is inhuman. The existential mindset in any human being allows them to take matters into their own hands. We exist before we have a self-appointed purpose. It is our task to find that purpose and serve it on our own.

           The struggle is “enough” in this scenario because the principles of existentialism are so impossibly attainable that no one can truly be called a perfect existentialist. One who wants to be an existentialist can only do their best, but they will never fulfill every principle with every action that they make, because the principles have overlapping areas of conflict and contradiction. Acting existentially, however, and keeping in mind to express free will and to do one’s best to achieve self-actualization, is the key to being a respectful existential thinker and action-taker. The struggle is the most important part of being an existential thinker. Getting up the “mountain” that every human is presented with, figuratively, is the part of life where one must continue trying to be the best person he/she can be, regardless of the fact that it will never mean true actualization of oneself. It is the thought that counts, so-to-speak. This is what can make Sisyphus, or anyone, happy, the fact that they have the ability to express free will at least in their emotions and attitude towards a task. A slave who smiles as he is whipped is the slave-master’s worst nightmare, because he has no control anymore over what the slave feels, and therefore has no control over what the slave wants to do. Nothing can hold one who smiles in the face of obstacles back. This is the true meaning behind Sisyphus, which Camus wants to bring forth to the reader’s attention. Existentialism is the key to happiness, free will, and overcoming any challenge.

Please read The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus.

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Relativity is cool

Relativity is one of my favorite areas of science. This is because it can be turned into a philosophical discussion as well.

To look at relativity from a physical perspective, imagine yourself in a car. You’re on the highway, driving 70 miles per hour. Another car, driving opposite to you, is also headed to their own destination at 70 miles per hour. These speeds are both relative to a hypothetical bystander who is not in either car, but rather sitting on the side of the highway. Now imagine that the car driving opposite to you swerves out of control, and manages to hit your car at 70 mph head-on. You will feel the force of that car not as if it were moving 70 miles per hour, but rather as if it were moving 140 mph. This is significantly faster than if the car were to hit the bystander, who would only experience the force of a car moving at 70 mph.

Another example of physical relativity, is that of someone falling from a very tall tower. They will hit the ground at a high speed, and will apply a very hefty force to the ground beneath them. However, the ground will also apply an equal force back on the person in return (this is one of Isaac Newton’s laws of motion). The cool thing to me, is that in the person’s frame of view, the ground is actually rushing upwards to them at a rapid rate, until finally the ground smashes them, likely to death. If this person were to be wearing a hat, and the force of drag from the air rushing upwards at the person were to knock the hat off of his head, the had would seemingly be flying up, away from the person falling faster than the hat. However, a person on the ground would still see both objects falling downward.

This concept is interesting to think about, because it really puts the whole world into perspective. Size, position, orientation, speed, and force all work in accordance with this concept of relativity. The universe, infinitely large as it may be, could be seen as small, when compared to something twice its size. An ant is quite small to a human, but quite large to a single-cell organism. The maps that we are all so familiar with might as well be upside-down. Antarctica is usually positioned at the bottom of a map of the world, but what if it’s actually the top? What if the planets orbit the sun in a vertical pattern instead of a horizontal pattern? It’s odd to think about at first, but after some imagination, our sense of perspective and reality begins to melt away. 

What we choose to look at in the world, and how we choose to look at it, how we choose to compare interactions between various objects and anomalies, is entirely up to our discretion. Once we apply the idea of relativity to the world around us, it’s easy to say that any one person is the center of the universe, that everything does revolve around that one person. Or, even more mind-boggling, what if we were to imagine the universe as being completely encircled by ourselves? What if we were to choose a frame of reference that placed the entire universe in between our index finger and thumb? 

What makes up “reality” starts to become much less concrete when we think about these possibilities. 

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I do, on occasion, enjoy thinking about how I want to die, and when I want it to happen.

When I was younger, I didn’t think many people cared about me or who I was, so I liked to think about my death being something worth remembering. I wanted it to be a big deal, and I enjoyed thinking that people who never payed me any attention would be sad that I was gone. Then I’d realize I would never be able to see their sadness, that I would never witness anyone mourn, and it made me give up on those dreams.

Now, I like to think about just disappearing from everyone’s life. The people who care about me. I want them to forget who I am. That brings me peace. Life is stressful, and at times I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I think the big thing preventing me from wanting to die is that it would affect those around me so much.

Ironic, I know. I used to glorify the sadness of others, back when I had nobody close and dear to me. Now that I have people close to me, I don’t want them to be sad. It sure seems like I’m never satisfied with the hand I’ve been dealt. I think this means my mentality still needs to age, and I need to mature.

I have a lot of room to grow, and I don’t know how or when I will die. I’m not sure if I’d want to know. I think my best choice at this point is to live for awhile, and try to find things that make me feel. I have to cling to that which makes me human, I guess. I hope that by the time I die, everyone around me will already be dead, or they’ll have forgotten who I am. I think I can handle the deaths of my family, friends, and loved ones. But I don’t think they would deal with my own death very well. I think that it would be best if I died alone, old and stoic, in peace, with a good song playing and a sweet smell in the air. I want to sit back in my favorite chair, enjoy the memories of the life I lived and appreciate the things I did, make peace with myself, and then burn it all down.

I hope this mentality doesn’t push the people I care about away. I don’t want to be disconnected from my children and grandchildren someday out of fear for worrying them. I wish people would just accept death. It’s selfish to want someone to keep living. Nobody thinks about whether or not the dead were ready to die. All they care about is their own inability to spend time with that person.

Let the dead be dead, and move on.

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[...]

I feel like maybe I haven’t been clear as to what I aim to talk about here.

I feel... empty. 

I know that is quite vague. 

Try to imagine the classic debate of a glass being half-full or half-empty.

The man who sees a glass half-full is optimistic, and he wants to see the bright side of things. Life is full of bounty, and there is plenty to go around. 

The half-empty man is seen to be pessimistic, and he who follows such a perspective is quick to note on the imperfections of life, always seeing flaws.

Now try to picture a third person, one that ignores the glass entirely. The presence of the glass has zero importance to his perspective. The contents of the glass are also, irrelevant. He hears both arguments of the other gentlemen, but he ultimately doesn’t care.

The analogy uses a glass of liquid as a metaphor for life. The first man chooses to only look at the parts of life that make him happy. The second is worrisome and defensive, so much so that he can never be happy. The third person sees the life around him, sees the good things, the bad things, and decides that none of it affects him. He is not happy. But he isn’t sad, either.

This ideology (or rather, realization) can be answered a few ways:

The most popular response is likely that of surrounding oneself with things. People, possessions, “purpose.” This option will likely last someone the remainder of their life, and on the surface it may seem like this person has placed meaning into their life. However, this is ultimately a grand distraction.

Another option is to kill oneself. This takes little effort, and is an easy way to dodge the “problem” that is our meaningless life.

The only other option I can think of is quite similar to the first. One finds things to be surrounded by, but does so while acknowledging the emptiness of life. 

To elaborate, I feel that the latter choice is the most responsible. To live in ignorance is foolish and wasteful. To commit premature suicide is to take for granted one’s humanity. It is natural for humans to see themselves as the supreme beings of this world, and for us to want a sense of total control over our lives. But this simply isn’t the case. We are still animals and there are still things that we cannot control in our own behavior. When we smell good food, we salivate. When we see another beautiful person, we want to procreate. We call a lot of our innate and instinctive human re/actions “human nature.” There are things we feel when seeing beauty that, meaningless as they may be to the universe as a whole, have immense inexplicable meaning to us. When I look at a beautiful piece of art, it evokes feeling from me. This emotional response would be meaningless to a non-human sentient and intelligent being. But what makes life unique is this human factor. The third option above acknowledges the flaws of humanity and the emptiness of the world around us, but embraces every waking moment for its beauty. This perspective is perfect and ideal; one who could see this way would truly employ human choice, by making a knowledgeable decision to live for the sake of living, to create wonder, and experience fantastic things, regardless of the knowledge that life serves no meaning. That person could truly be happy in this meaningless life.

I am not that person.

I see what makes me human, and it disappoints me. I can’t always be conscious of life’s emptiness, and I can’t always choose to live for the moment and seize the day. I am not perfect. At times I want to surround myself with things to forget. At times I want to die.

I imagine humanity as a small animal. To analogize our mind to that of a squirrel or rabbit might bring clarity to this point. A small animal lives to eat, sleep, procreate, and build shelter to protect its species. These animals do not understand the more complex politics of human life such as love, emotion, reason, ambition, choice, progress, etc. Similarly, a human lives for false purpose, and all human ambition is fleeting. We are not in control, and we do not have a complete understanding of the world around us. There are likely concepts and dimensions of thought that we don’t have the capacity to understand or cope with, and there are quite possibly beings that transcend physical existence as we know it, that live eternally and solely exist for the sake of existing. But even these beings would not be perfect. The squirrel is to a human as a human is to one of these beings.

I have been talking a lot, and going off on a lot of tangents, but ultimately what I want to say is that I currently feel empty. This isn’t a feeling that is constantly with me. I feel like I am constantly shifting my perspective between the three aforementioned responses. But currently, I want no purpose in my life, I want no people around me, I want no pleasure, and I want no possessions. I don’t seek death, but should it be presented to me, I wouldn’t fight it in this state. I simply want to be. Just empty me.

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Existentialism/Nihilism

Life has no meaning, until we give it meaning.

I used to think that this meant we were in control of our lives. I thought it was a call out to humanity to get up and do something worth doing, to find a way to make life have content.

Now, I’m beginning to think that objectively, life is meaningless. There is no purpose for humanity in this world, and regardless of what meaning we try to pour into life, it will still have no meaning. 

Whatever I decide to do with my life from this point forward will be for nothing. There will be no rhyme nor reason to my existence, and at the end of the day I both have nothing and I am nothing.

When I was a more studious individual, I knew the difference between existentialism and nihilism. I was able to see why existential thinking was more beneficial to me. However, as I’ve grown slightly older and lost my interest in studies, I find that the line between an existential thought process an a nihilistic one has been blurred.

I don’t know what it means to be alive, and I don’t know if it is worth the hassle. I used to argue to myself that the things in life I was bothered by were unimportant, and that the only things that mattered were the things that I chose to care about.

I’m not sure if I’ve grown more pessimistic over time or if I have grown more realistic. Just thinking about all of this seems like a waste. The clothes I wear, the people I talk to, the ones I love, the goals I aim for. None of it is real. None of this is worth fighting for. 

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purpose

I’ve been thinking a lot recently on what I want to do with my life.

I’ve come to realize that there is not much to this life worth living for.

I don’t want to live, at least not how I am.

I don’t really want to see what lies ahead, because I don’t think things will get better.

I’m not depressed, I’m just not satisfied.

These are normal things for a young adult to think about, in my opinion. But what strikes me as odd is that I don’t feel afraid.

In the past, when I have thought about death and how all life comes to an end, I got very anxious and felt unsettled. But now, I feel content.

I’m not in pain, and my life is not causing me grief that I want to escape from, but I just don’t want to participate in it anymore, and leaving this “living” state feels really liberating.

This is a new feeling for me. I used to only think about death when life was tough. But now I think about it for no apparent reason, and it brings me comfort.

On the purpose of this “blog,” I want to have a place to talk about my thoughts on death. I don’t want to put too much thought into it. I just want a place to spew my opinions, emotions, and other various things that give me this awkward feeling of “happy death.” 

I don’t feel like there is anyone in my life I could openly talk to about this sort of thing. I don’t feel like my parents could listen to this and take me seriously, or listen to these thoughts without being overly concerned. I’m not “at risk” for suicide, not any more than the average person my age (more on suicide later). But regardless, I think most people I know would see this and would want me to seek counseling. My girlfriend would listen to me, but even she would not understand how I truly feel on this subject. I’m hoping that there might be someone out there who will see this page and will find something worth their time. Perhaps this will spur worthwhile conversations, and shift some paradigms. If nothing else, I want a place to publicize my thoughts on life, death, the world around us, and what purpose we serve.

This page will feature posts that I write, art that moves me, art that I make, and other intellectual content that fits my newfound personal relationship with death.