deadgummibear

[deadgummibear]

I had a shit day at work and want pizza.... but I don't have pizza money

#me #selfie #i need pizza money

[deadgummibear]

Tbh don't know which one I like the most. I feel beautiful in all of these. And I look and feel happy for the first time in a while.

#me

[deadgummibear]

#selfie #me #tired

[deadgummibear]

Not against this photo 😝

#selfie #me #edited #cashapp #i dont know why i put that #i just wanna see if it might work one day

[deadgummibear]

you're in the habit of denying yourself things.

if someone asked you directly, you would say that you love a little treat. you like iced coffee and getting the cookie. you drink juice out of a fancy cup sometimes, and often do use your candles until they gutter out helplessly.

but you hesitate about buying the 20 dollar hand mixer because, like. you could just use your arms. you weren't raised rich. you don't get to just spend the 20 dollars (remember when that could cover lunch?), at least - you don't spend that without agonizing over it first, trying to figure out the cost-benefits like you are defending yourself in front of a jury. yes, this rice cooker could seriously help you. but you do know how to make stovetop rice and it really isn't that hard. how many pies or brownies would you actually make, in order to make that hand mixer worthwhile?

what's wild is that if the money was for a friend, it would already be spent. you'd fork over 40 without blinking an eye, just to make them happy. the difference is that it's for you, so you need to justify it.

and it sneaks in. you ration yourself without meaning to - you don't finish the pint of ice cream, even though you want to. the next time you go to the store, you say ah, i really shouldn't, and then you walk away. you save little bits of your precious things - just in case. sometimes you even go so far as putting that one thing in your shopping cart. and then just leaving it there, because maybe-one-day, but not right now, there's other stuff going on.

you do self-care, of course. but you don't do it more than like, 3 days in a row. after that it just feels a little bit over-the-edge. like. you can't live in decadence, the economy is so bad right now, kid.

so you don't buy the rice cooker. you can-and-will spend the time over the stove. you can withstand the little sorrows. denial and discipline are practically synonyms. and you're not spoiled.

it's just - it's not always a rice cooker. sometimes it is a person or a job or a hug. sometimes it is asking for help. sometimes it is the summer and your college degree. sometimes it is looking down at scabbed knees and feeling a strange kind of falling, like you can't even recognize the girl you used to be. sometimes it is your handprint looking unsteady.

sometimes it is tuesday, and you didn't get fired, and you want to celebrate. but what is it you like, even? you search around your little heart and come up empty. you're so used to denying that all your desires draw a blank.

oh fuck. see, this is the perfect opportunity. if you had a mixer, you'd make a cake.

[deadgummibear]

I know when I come on here I'm typically talking to a void. I think I need that and do appreciate when people do talk back. With that said has anyone ever just up and dropped everything, moved and pretty much did something better for yourself? You feel great but at the same time you stress about the small things like money (might not be that small). I did 2 weeks ago, I'm happy and relaxed for the most part but I've pretty much cleared out my account and don't feel like I have the financial security I've had the past 5 years. I know I'll make it through but it's been a tough.

#selfie #me #rant

[deadgummibear]

I love this photo

#selfie #me #cartoon #lgbt #lesbian #single

[deadgummibear]

I don't know how to smile for photos 😝

#lesbian pride #selfie #lgbt #cute

[deadgummibear]

[deadgummibear]

By far still my favorite photo

Flashback to Christmas and we got a new light bulb😂

[deadgummibear]

Nothing happy nothing sad just neutral

#follow #cashapp

[deadgummibear]

I may or may not have soulless eyes

#selfie #follow #me

[deadgummibear]

I cut my hair finally😝

#selfie #me #lesbian #hair cut #short hair

[deadgummibear]

A puppy that came in last week.. my fav patient (I don't work at a vet fyi)

#selfie #puppy

[deadgummibear]

I rarely take photos now days

#selfie #follow #me #lesbian

[deadgummibear]

Watching Rick and Morty, while wearing Rick and Morty... its my comfort show

#selfie #me #rick and morty

[deadgummibear]

#selfie #follow #me #lesbian #edited