deerstalker305

[deerstalker305]

also

art :(

#artwork #digital art

[deerstalker305]

lmao apparently i’m underweight

[deerstalker305]

being taken to victoria’s secret as a little kid definitely awoke something in me and now im into women

#woman lover #victoria’s secret #i’m going mad hahahahahha

[deerstalker305]

july 8 2022

i’ve been slipping in and out of reality lately. I’ll take three hour naps involuntarily then wake up in a cold sweat and forget my name- i’ll tell my family, they’ll say : “Oh, you poor thing. SO unfortunate that you’ve been sleeping”, because they’re overworked, sleep-deprived adults who are seemingly jealous, unable to fathom that MAYBE I DONT WANT THIS, because they don’t even get anything close to it. and of course, i feel bad- i always do, what right to i have to be doing so well compared to them, yet still feel like garbage? it must make them angry.

my dreams aren’t kind, nothing of the sort ; they get gory at times, or other times it’s the blurred out face of my dead best friends and family members continually tormenting me until the dream itself devolves into something far from comparable. it makes me think- maybe i deserve this? is this punishment? something the divine have put me through so i’ll suffer and no one will believe me? or maybe it’s just me. just me putting myself through hell, subconsciously, in one of the only ways that my family would willingly be able to dismiss as “fake”

as awful as it is, i’d still rather be asleep than stay awake with nothing. my home life is quite average, we’re in the stable middle class, my parents love each other enough to not fight every second of the day, and we’re happy; but there’s still nothing, i don’t understand my family, i know nothing about them besides the likes of my younger sibling because i’ve always been around them. everyone else is a mystery, a mystery that i’ll constantly solve, but constantly forget. i feel detached, so what’s the point in staying awake? what’s the point in engaging with this family i barely know, yet have been with my entire life? it’s probably selfish, to be fair. i mean- at least i have a family. but i don’t really care if it’s selfish anymore, i don’t see myself as a good person anyways, so of course i’m selfish.

i don’t understand anyone around me, i don’t understand how people act and why they do the things they do. i don’t understand myself, and i often forget who i am, what i am- i don’t remember anything from the last year of my life. everything is a blur and i’d rather detach from it all then sit in this blur of a life.

it’s like an old puzzle. you see the finished product on the cover of the box but the puzzle is so old that a couple pieces are missing, and the ones that are still there are suffering such wear-and-tear that you can barely make them out, and so, no matter how hard you try, you can never figure just what pieces are missing, and the puzzle never gets solved.

anyways thx for coming to my ted talk, keep coming back for more inspirational content hahahhhahhhhhah

#sleepy #digital diary #memory issues #i’m really tired haha #I need a hug #but i hate them #and being touched #god this is such a ramble post #sorry lmao

[deerstalker305]

July 6, 2022 || birth

my birthday is in 22 days. I used to get so excited, but lately i’m not all that happy to be getting older. I think, the older I get- the less people will care about me. That’s why there’s so many old and depressed people. being old sucks.

not to say i’m like, elderly. Of course not. i’m not even an adult yet, but still.

I just don’t want people to stop caring. What’s the point if nobody thinks about you anymore? I know this is pretty pessimistic, but i’ve always been this way. It’s nothing new.

[deerstalker305]

June 23, 2022 || lizard tree

My lizard enjoys standing on his tree..perch? I'm not sure what it's actually called, but that doesn't really matter anyways. He sleeps there as well, most of the time it looks like he's nearing falling off, yet he's only fallen off maybe a few times in the span we've had him.

His name is Einstein, sometimes my mother calls him Albie. It's cute. He's technically a bearded dragon, a fancy one specifically. I don't get what's so fancy about them though, is it their underbelly? The pattern on their bodies? It's weird.

We got him for my birthday, cause I had wanted a bearded dragon for quite some time. Though, now i'm starting to come to the conclusion that the only reason they ever actually got him is so I won't go into a mental break once my dog dies. She's getting old. Twelve years old, I believe. We're not fully sure, cause she's a rescue and y'know..we couldn't tell. She's been my best friend for a while, only thing i've really talked to, to be honest. They're probably worried her passing will be devastating for me, considering how I react with other things. They probably aren't wrong for thinking that either. It'll be sad.

#bearded dragon #tumblr diary #digital diary