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defiantsuggestions · 1 hour
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No child deserves to be hit.
And it's fucking sickening how society wants to point at shitty people and go "they're like that because they weren't hit enough as a kid!"
Fuck you. Okay? I'm so sick of this. The solution to selfish assholes is not to beat children more. Why the fuck are people so obsessed with their """right""" to hurt someone who can't fight back.
And yes, it is hurting. It is beating. It is hitting. If you did that to an adult you'd be charged for assault.
It's not discipline. It's abuse.
Hitting children is wrong.
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defiantsuggestions · 3 hours
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i say this with love: yall will make yourselves feel bad about fucking anything, i swear to god. you feel bad about feeling too much. you feel bad about feeling too little. you feel bad about what makes you feel good. you feel bad about not knowing what you like. you feel bad for not being able to survive easily in a world hostile to you. you feel bad for the tactics that you use to survive. you feel bad for how you identify. you feel bad for being unique. you feel bad for experiences that you share with millions of people. you suspect that every feeling, experience, desire, fear, and question in your brain is somehow evidence that you don't deserve to exist.
i can be so so reassuring about all of these things but ultimately you are the one that's gonna have to make a conscious choice to stop measuring yourself in these ways. there is no authority who gets to determine whether you have the right to exist or not. you already do. there is no body that votes on whether you get to feel, identify, or think as you do. you already do. your existence as it is is non-negotiable. stop trying to justify yourself. you're already here. the world is going to have to deal with it anyway.
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defiantsuggestions · 9 hours
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Doing something bad doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. You aren’t defined by any one thing.
Beating yourself up for the bad thing won’t erase the bad thing. It’s unlikely to help. Moving on, and using your experience to do better in the future, is usually the best thing you can do. It’s more likely to do good for you and others than endlessly beating yourself up.
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defiantsuggestions · 4 days
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Frustrating that a lot of the behavior that's expected of me now was punished when I was a child
Like, yeah, they're two entirely different networks of people, and the problem comes from the fact that the folks who raised me suck
But like, I remember so many moments from my childhood where I stood up for myself, called out mistreatment, was loud about what I wanted and was justifiably upset at being hurt. These behaviors were punished until doing them no longer comes natural. It's not even a thought in my head, it simply doesn't occur to me, and on the off chance it does, the follow through feels impossible.
But these are the things people expect of me as an adult. The fact that I can't do these things is a problem. Part of improving myself means relearning all the shit that used to be a part of me that I had ripped out because my family didn't want to see that behavior.
The things that made me a "good child" are things that make me struggle as an adult.
The things that made me a "bad child" are considered normal and expected adult behavior.
How can I perform what is expected when I was taught for decades that this behavior is wrong?
Ugh.
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defiantsuggestions · 4 days
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Recovery is a process. It's not a linear process, you'll have good days and bad days, and sometimes the bad days will make you think you're not moving at all.
But you are moving.
You are moving, every day. Every day you are taking another step. You are learning. You are experiencing.
There are things you have yet to learn. It will take time to get there.
But you will get there. Even if it is slow, you will get there.
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defiantsuggestions · 4 days
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"You need to raise your standards"
I...
I've been raising my standards
I've been raising my standards for several years now
Yes I know the bar is so low it's underground but I've been trying to raise it
I'm trying to raise my standards
I'm trying
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defiantsuggestions · 4 days
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you have to stay alive. you're going to be such a beautiful middle aged freak. young freaks will see you in the street and know that things can be okay.
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defiantsuggestions · 4 days
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All amazing points and so important to take in. I think I have done a couple of these, but not habitually or intensely. But it's good awareness for me.
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defiantsuggestions · 7 days
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"There should be another phrase to describe the patterns."
This often comes up in response to narcissistic abuse.
But there already are many other phrases.
Emotional abuse. Psychological abuse. Physical abuse. Threats. Gaslighting. Manipulation. Isolation. Grooming. Taking advantage. Love bombing. Authoritarianism. Bigotry.
There are even acronyms like DARVO and RAMCOA.
And every single one of those gives a clear idea of what their patterns are. If you say that you're a victim of one of those, it's possible to have a rough idea of what happened.
Meanwhile, "narcissistic abuse" is a meaningless phrase. When you say that you're a victim of "narcissistic abuse", I have no idea what you mean by that. A wide variety of abusive patterns have been classified as "narcissistic abuse".
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defiantsuggestions · 7 days
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Tbh every few years there's a new group of people society decides to deem evil
So they lash out and blame all of society's problems on whatever group it is until it fizzles and then they move on to the next
Instead of actually trying to fix the problems or direct blame toward what's actually responsible they would rather have an excuse to hurt innocent people because they just want a target
It's frustrating to watch this trend happen again and again and again
Same violence different buzzword
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defiantsuggestions · 7 days
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"Are you saying that you don't believe that the abuse that I suffered happened?"
No. I'm saying that I very much believe that it happened and it doesn't surprise me at all. People with those patterns are everywhere. Those patterns are normalized by society.
The problem isn't you saying "this is what my abuser did". The problem is you saying "this is what narcissists do".
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defiantsuggestions · 9 days
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Mistakes aren't the end of the world. Mistakes are an opportunity to learn and grow. Your friends don't hate you. Yes, it feels bad, and you're allowed to feel what you feel, but it's not a reflection of reality.
You don't deserve to be punished for your mistakes.
You will learn, and you will grow, and you will live.
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defiantsuggestions · 9 days
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Like, just existing.
Just existing. Nothing especially going on. Mere consciousness. Just being present.
Is one of the things that causes me stress.
It isn't fair.
I hate that my brain was taught to be like this.
I hate that this is still a problem.
It's not my fault. I didn't choose this.
I want to be better.
I don't want it to be a process. I want the problem to go away. I didn't fuck my brain up, why do I have to be the one to fix it?
I know it's a process and I know the work is worth it, I just...
I wish the world was different.
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defiantsuggestions · 9 days
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I don't want to make mistakes
I don't want to make mistakes because mistakes mean people will start thinking of ways to """deal with me"""
Because mistakes mean I did something wrong and therefore I'm bad and being bad means I get hurt
So I have to always always anticipate what behavior is wanted and emulate that the best I can and I can't ever slip because my worth as a person lies only in how good and well behaved I can be
And I hate when people don't tell me when I'm doing something wrong that I could correct because I could be behaving well but I'm not and the longer they don't tell me the more of a chance they'll just fucking snap out of anger and it will hurt
I want constant feedback for every action I take and not having that leaves me an anxious wreck because I could be doing something wrong and what if no one corrects me in time to save me from whatever wrath is waiting for me
But I can't think like that because expecting everyone around me to mean me harm is increadably unkind to them, most people do not want to hurt me, most people want me safe and happy, and would be upset to think I was afraid of them
And I can't expect constant feedback because that is quite simply an unreasonable thing to expect of people who are quite simply existing around me and whose only expectation is that I exist around them
It's not fair to myself to try and be perfect and it's not nice to think these things of people who care about me but I cant
Turn this
Off.
I just wish confidence came easier and I wish my sense of safety didn't rely so heavily on being perfect all the time.
I can't be perfect, no one is perfect, I am going to make mistakes because that's just part of existing
I wish things were easy
I just want things to be easy
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defiantsuggestions · 12 days
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On the plus side one of my favorite things has new content and I'm working on a new hobby
There are good things too
It's important to remember the good things
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defiantsuggestions · 13 days
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Let’s work on communicating our insecurities and feelings instead of accusing our loved ones. Making accusations can damage our relationships and isn’t fair to our loved ones.
Try saying “I’m scared I’m going to be alone” instead of “you’re going to leave me like everyone else”.
Try saying “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I feel bad about it. Is there anything I can do to help make this better?” instead of “I’m such a failure and a bad person. You shouldn’t be friends with me anymore.”
Try saying “I’m feeling really alone lately. Can we talk more?” instead of “you never talk to me. You must not care about me.”
Our loved ones can’t read our minds. No matter how obvious it might seem to us that we’re struggling, it isn’t necessarily obvious to them. And there are any number of reasons that they might not notice, or might notice and not react (such as trying to respect that they think you don’t want to talk about it and will come to them when you’re ready.)
Your feelings are valid. Your insecurities are valid. But it’s better to deal with these by seeking reassurance in healthy ways or coping mechanisms like self-soothing instead of accusing those you love of bad intentions.
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defiantsuggestions · 13 days
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unfortunately a lot of the corny self help advice turns out to be true but the thing is you have to come to those conclusions yourself otherwise it just sounds dismissive and dumb
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