defsoullr

[defsoullr]

it's immediately a good day if these are in it:

-pretty sky

-good music (better if ur walking and it matches ur steps)

-nicely spiced food

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where do you find guys who say "not yet... its too good..." or are they just. fictional (stuttering: optional)

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i feel like letting out the loudest laughter when people say "kids shouldn't read books with adult content make them read classics instead" like. LIKE. EXCUSE ME??? "classics" ???? have you ever READ A CLASSIC BOOK??? THEYRE FULL OF SHIT THAT I WASNT SUPPOSED TO BE READING WHEN I WAS 14

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me complimenting a grown man that i love and bestowing him with the ultimate honor: oh my god hes literally a girl

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tips on children, from an oldest sister of 3

i don't know what age group im talking about in particular tbh. maybe 8, maybe younger. just. children's stuff.

if you need dead silence (either you took the kid to a quiet place like a library or someone is sleeping in the house and you don't want them to wake up), don't look at the kid and whisper to them "we need to be quiet." because that usually makes them LOUDLY 'whisper' to you when they want to speak. instead, do the universal quiet sign of a finger over your lips and point to your reasoning for being quiet (aka the sleeping parent). i'm not saying this works 100% but it helps

elaborate on everything. speak to them way longer than you should, this will both make them understand the world better and also! it makes them speak better because they are developing their speech patterns by listening to you. it's good to teach them many words, and different ways of constructing sentences! speak to them especially longer if they need to make a decision and the result of this decision matters a lot (hence you will need to redirect them if they make the wrong decision- and they will trust you with their decisions a lot more if you consistently do this! make sure to give them a lot of information that they need, and give them breadcrumbs so they can exercise critical thinking and make those decisions themselves.)

give specific compliments. if they bring something to you and ask you if you like it, don't just say yes or no. whatever your answer is, point something out to them and elaborate. another thing: you don't even need to compliment them all the time- children like constructive criticism more than people think. as long as you're polite and excited, they will enjoy your opinion. "i like how you cut this, it especially looks good here; but it would look even better if you cut it more precisely up here!" (gives them a new big word to learn and also, they will probably follow your advice too and come to you a few minutes later with a much better-looking handcraft!

loud children will actually get quieter if you talk to them quietly, a bit quieter than your natural voice. they will mimic you- for a few minutes, at least, until they get bored.

if you buy something for yourself and they show a special interest in it, pointing it out and complimenting it; that is now your next best idea if you want to give them a present. they will lose their minds if you buy them one, too. (even if they didn't specifically ask for one)

elaborating on gifts, children LOVE useless shiny things. don't think too much when you're buying them gifts, just buy whatever they ask of you, or whatever is the most eye-catching in a shop. a good pen so they can use it while doing homework? fine. a very cheap and useless pen that has a PANDA on it? oh they will love that shit.

if they are upset and crying (but obviously not injured), let them cry for a while before you prod further. there is no need to rush things unless the kid is in danger. approach them patiently and you will see that once the crying reduces a bit, and they can speak, they will be very intent on spilling their troubles at you. if you can't solve their problem, take your time to pick your reasonings and explain them to the child. if you prove to this child that you are truly powerless here, sell it convincingly, they will understand and stop crying. but- you need to be honest. kids are naive because of their age but they can spot lies, especially if the same lie is used over and over again. the more genuine you are with them, the more they will trust you when you say something. you earn your authority by earning their trust first.

kids have varying opinions on physical touch. my personal experience is with my younger sisters and they really like it, so that's what i will speak about: if a child likes physical touch and wants hugs all the time, do not turn them down. it is serious to them, if you turn them down they will feel upset about it. unreasonably upset. it's okay to refuse a couple of times to teach them that they need permission and consent before hugging someone; but other than that, please cut children some slack and sacrifice your own comfort if necessary. you are the adult here, you can be uncomfortable for 15 seconds to keep your child happy. you will not die. and- children who don't like physical touch at all- i'm sure they exist but i personally don't know any. most children are chill with headpats or just poking their face with your finger.

children will mimic you to hell and back so WATCH WHAT YOU DO AROUND THEM. they will literally become you. if your spare time is full of reading, don't be surprised when your child starts reading in their room too. if you scroll all day, don't ask why you have an ipad kid. if your child is easily angered, try to remember how you reacted to a broken glass yourself last week. don't you ever remove yourself from the equation- when you're talking to your kid, you are ALWAYS talking to yourself.

don't yell at your kid. if you're refusing to give your kid what they want so fiercely; then you know why you can't accept their request. you have a solid reason. just explain them your reason instead of yelling. it's hard but if you're not willing to do hard things then maybe don't have kids?

talk to them. they have a lot to tell you.

never ask your kid what the other kids in their class are doing. adopt a complete idgaf attitude for other kids- we literally do not care. just knowing your own kid's performance is enough. (this point is important because it pisses me off personally. i know parents who literally ask their children 'how did the other kids do' BEFORE congratulating the child FOR A PERFECT SCORE. seriously, why do people care so much about strangers? or, being better or worse off than strangers?) (most of these kids themselves don't care anyway)

let your kid break things and make messes. it's a part of human development. if you don't want to clean after them, DO NOT HAVE KIDS LMAO maybe send them somewhere they CAN make a mess. like? a course or something? their grandparents who live in a house with a garden? anyway, just do not forcefully raise clean kids, they grow up with crippling confidence issues. they need to know that even if they mess up, they can recover and fix their mistakes. they need to know this by breaking a few glasses, abusing some sharpies or scraping their knees. THIS IS INESCAPABLE. if you don't let them learn now, life will eventually catch up to them and they will be forced to learn later- when the costs inevitably grow. they may fail an important exam, they may crash a car, they may find themselves in a horrible relationship. what will they do then, not knowing how to navigate a mess? anyway, a kid who has already shattered a glass will be VERY careful next time they pick up one, don't forget that.

if they have a hobby, for god's sake let them pursue it no matter now ridiculous it is. be creative and solve their problems, you are the parent. if they want a guitar and you can't afford one, at least ask the child's school to see if they have one that the child can practice on. PLEASE go above and beyond for your kid. you are the only person who can. that is your child- no one will give them more effort than you do. you better do a good job, right?

children don't forget what is said to them. be gentle. i have forgiven my own parents many times, but i remember everything they said to me in our worst fights. it doesn't hurt less just because we made up.

i overall think you should not have kids because they are so so so fragile. so much consideration needed. so much energy and just raw compassion- it's not something everyone can do. i personally don't think i can. parents create the base- the groundwork- for their child's personality and i think that's a responsibility that is just too big to bear. when you think too deep into it, "am i raising this child correctly?" can quickly turn into "wait, was i raised correctly?" and boom. existential crisis.

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actually, scara was right, you don't need to be genuinely loved to keep relationships with people. if you just make yourself irreplaceable, you will never be discarded

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actually scara was right. make yourself irreplaceable, and you will never be discarded

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i'll erase you, i say, then overlook the small traces you left. i let pieces of you hide in every secret corner of my existence

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dreams then: ill make money to buy all got7 albums and an ahgabong!

dreams now: if i study until im 30, i can maybe afford a small car

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me @ everyone whos discovering my winter fic now (as we're approaching winter): perfect timing, perfect timing, bon appetit, very afied

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i need novelty or i will die

(has this entire day planned out)

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i definitely dont need to apk a nice paywalled news website because then i would have access to high quality journalism much easier without suffering ridiculous conversion rates of my currency to dollars, i definitely dont need to, would be a shame if i could decide on which website would be the best candidate for this

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i remember rewatching winx in highschool- starting from season one- and thinking to myself (with my whole chest): why and when did we stop making cartoons traumatising??

like

im not saying that cartoons should be traumatic-!! but-!!

season one was so raw and dramatic and full of tension elements that kept you on your toes- but then as the seasons progress it becomes mellower and mellower AND WHILE I AM NOT CONFIDENT IN ASKING FOR CHILDREN'S CARTOONS TO BE WILD LIKE THAT AGAIN, IM ALSO SEVERELY DISAPPOINTED BCUS I LIKE THAT I GREW UP LIKE THIS. ID BE FRUSTRATED IF THIS MELLOWIFICATION HAPPENED AT MY TIME AND I MISSED OUT ON THE RAW AND DRAMATIC CARTOONS

(as a very very young child i was severely distressed by the death of aisha's boyfriend and yes that wasn't pleasant BUT MAYBE I NEEDED THAT DISTRESS!! MAYBE IT SHAPED ME AS A PERSON!! JUST MAYBE)

(what is the little girl experience without watching cool older girls and imagining yourself to be just like them in the future?? what is the little girl experience without seeing the cool girls win crazy fights after suffering enough to glue us to the screen?? SHOULD WE REALLY BE DISCARDING THIS??)

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the interesting thing about growing up among religious culture as an atheist is that despite your glaring differences from people of your culture-- you're actually just like them. you also strongly dislike wasting food in a similar fashion as they do when they think their god would be mad at them- you don't believe in that god, but you mimic their passion with a different reasoning of your own. you may avoid eating pork because you still find it icky 'for some reason', you may avoid premarital sex not because you truly believe it's dysfunctional but in the back of your head, it truly is a 'very bad thing' which is just a placeholder for sin.

i think this is... a phase. some people live in it (i think i still live in it) and some people move on to seperate themselves from their religion entirely, spiraling into various more atheist personalities. basically, you either stay stagnant here or question your belief system on deeper levels and find non-religious reasons for all the life lessons that were taught to you by religious people. there is a lot to relearn under a different light after you sever your connections with an alleged watcher.

in this sense- religious or nonreligious thinking is a spectrum with people mostly being on different levels of progression in terms of relearning their morals. it feels like that to me, and it's usually fun to pick apart the brains of people who fall somewhere inbetween 'believer' and 'veteran atheist'. those people need to do a lot of pondering, which makes for fun and insightful debates really.

also, i'm there personally. we can be confused together.

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ADHD at night: I could write a book. I could get my Master’s Degree. I could go to the club and come home with 12 new friends. I could get a job at that club and meet the mother of my children. I could cure every disease and use my wealth to bring world peace.

ADHD during the day: Fold laundry too hard :( Come back next week

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tragedy of all time, how i have broad shoulders and broad shoulders can best be carried by standing tall and wide and firm, but i always hunch and shrink and make myself smaller- so much so that it has nearly become my personality.

almost like i was destined for something, and i just haven't realised it yet. in both the ways that realising implies.

i mean, im almost 20. i hope i am equally late and early in this observation.

[defsoullr]

Anaïs Nin, from The Diary of Anaïs Nin, vol. IV: 1944-1947