delthelight - Tumblr blog

delthelight · 7 years

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Response: 9/2/2016

OP: @j-pon3

Post:

“I feel like I’ve been cheated out of a normal life. I’m terrible at everything. My mind doesn’t want to work right. I can’t remember anything. I can’t make others happy, let alone myself. All I do is sit there and take up space. I do nothing productive for anyone. I just waste my life online. So I wait for the day that I just drop dead. I wish I wasn’t to scared to end it myself. All I ask is to please let me not wake up tomorrow. The world is not gonna miss out on anything anyway.”

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This is me pretty much every day. I just do a really good job of hiding it when other people are around. Being surrounded by other humans that I can protect and be of service to takes my mind off of my own sadness and loneliness, however I always find that the longer I spend around other humans, the harder the depression, anger at myself, and overwhelming loneliness that results from the fact that I will never be happy or loved by another human hits me when I get by myself again. Regardless, know that I am here for you, J. I feel like we are but two of the same, you and I, so I just hope that I may be of help to you if you ever call upon me to be there for you. @j-pon3

#people #blogs #j-pon3 #follow the light #delsin rowe #delthelight #angel #kristal candeo #blogresponse

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delthelight · 7 years

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Response: My Tumblr 8/28/2016

OP: @j-pon3

Post:

“I wanted to post something else but haven’t thought how yet.

I’m not sure about this Tumblr journal thing anymore. I thought I liked doing it but it doesn’t really put my mind at ease or do much else for me. I feel nothing from doing it, and may just stop posting anything here and erase everything. But I don’t want to stop like last time and start over again. I feel like I need this. I would never really think on my feelings before this. I would just ignore them and never think of them again.

The only things I wont post is stuff I have a hard time putting into words, or can’t fully grasp what I want to talk about(happens more often than not). But for the stuff I do post I don’t really have any emotions tied to them. Not happiness, not sadness, or anything. I feel empty with most of them.”

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I think you should keep doing it. I for one actually like reading what you post, even if I don't reply. And given how you feel just knowing someone is attentively listening to how you feel and what you have to say can very well be therapeutic in and of itself. And please don't feel like you HAVE to upload something every so often when you don't feel like it. You should be able to type out and post how everything is when YOU want to, not because "it's been a while so maybe I should". You should do what you do for yourself, not because you are obligated to. Also, if you did stop and delete everything so far, trust me when I say that eventually you will want to start doing it again, even if just for the hope that someone out there will stumble upon it and hear you. This has actually happened to myself very often, so I have recently decided to keep uploading whatever I want here, even though noone ever sees it. Sometimes it's happy things, sometimes it's funny things sometimes it's encouragement, sometimes it's inappropriate things and still sometimes it's depressive things about how terrible of a person I feel. Since I don't have any friends IRL, nor family or anything like that, I often feel like I want to share some little bit of emotion I may experience with someone who cares like a normal person would with their friends or family. No matter if it's good or bad, sharing it here helps me alleviate that need I have to to express my inner self, even when I know no one ever sees it. I tend to share more internet-centric things on this blog, (Kristal-Candeo) and more personal things on the blog with my name on it. (Delsin Rowe) But even without all of that, I hope you keep the blog and it's posts up and going from time to time because if anything it let's me know that I am not alone in how I feel. I like reading through what you post just to get a sense of how real you are. While other blogs post art or funny gifs, you post how you really feel in life. And the way that you never hold back how you write it like others might, others who are afraid to offend someone or scared to hint at the reality that they are human too, I like that. I very much do. Knowing you are but a normal, real human on the internet and are sharing the true feelings you have about things or just life in general feels very good to me indeed. And by the same token, I also hope that knowing that I greatly appreciate your journal writings as much as I do, just for the fact that they exist and share the real you, I hope that it serves to fulfill your deeper desire to share a part of yourself with whoever will listen and care. I hope knowing that I am along for the ride makes the loneliness we both seem to have that much more bearable, even if only for yourself. (If that is the desire you have.) ... Regardless of what you decide though, just know that I support you and the decision you make. And as always, Take care! -Del (KC) @j-pon3

#people #blogs #j-pon3 #follow the light #delthelight #delsin rowe #angel #kristal candeo #blogresponse

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delthelight · 8 years

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Much The Same

--- j-pon3′s Poem: ---

“There’s not much to life you see

It’s not as special as you want to believe

At the end of the day were all the same

Six feet under beneath a bed of roses”

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@j-pon3

I’m not quite sure how this poem makes me feel. I very much like the poem itself, especially in regards to the “art” aspect of it. I also very much agree that what the poem says is absolutely, %100 true when looking at the entire idea objectively from afar.

Yet the very concept that this poem bring to light of only looking at the entirety of life in this very unique, yet frighteningly accurate way, (by looking at the whole of life, rather than the tiny details that seemingly don’t matter in the grander scheme of things, that is.) is what I wish to elaborate on.

Again, before I continue, I very much love the poem and everything it portrays is %100 accurate. But what I am about to talk about isn’t the poem itself or even the message it so amazingly yet albeit briefly discusses. What I am about to discuss is instead the very ideology of only going through life focusing on insignificance of our life in the greater scheme of reality, rather than focusing on the little tiny moments that make our insignificant portion of what we call life worth living at all:

*****

Sure, it's very true that "once we are, then we are not" in the grand scheme of things, but when you only see the "entire plan of life" as a whole like this, there is just... nothing. You begin to think, "why bother doing anything when it all ends up in the same result anyway." And that is sadly very, very true.

But as humans, we are not meant to see the entire plan. We are not meant to know this reality's entire timeline. Because if we could see the entire timeline of this reality, we would quickly forget about the small little building blocks that make up our own tiny, minuscule portion of said reality. And since we are but humans whom only affect that little, micro-sized thread of the fabric we call reality, the moments within those super tiny threads are what we should strive to make better (or at least bearable) while we still can. Even when in so doing, the entire sheet of fabric called reality that our lives are a very tiny part of doesn't change in the slightest.

So while you are right, that no matter what all of our ends and all of our beginnings are always exactly the same, and that no matter what we do the reality of life as a whole is still just as sad and hopeless as it always was and always will be, I firmly believe that perhaps looking at the entire fabric of reality, time, and life is not what we as mere humans are meant to do. We should instead strive to focus only on the smaller details of the very, VERY tiny piece of thread we call our own life, and inso doing try to make our own thread as bright and colorful as we can.

As humans, it is not our goal to bear through life, it is our goal to bear through OUR OWN life. And the brighter we can make our own life, the easier the going will hopefully become. Even if at the end, there is still only darkness.

As humans, we should not strive to look at this big, dark, Vantablack roll of fabric called life and find no hope, and no light. Instead we should zoom in on the microscopic portion of the fabric that we have come to know as our own life, and instead focus on how much light we can contain deep within it.

#inspiration #Delsin Rowe #Kristal Candeo #The Light #uplifting #amazing art #poem #j-pon3 #delthelight #miscellaneous life

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delthelight · 8 years

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@j-pon3

Oh, my. Yeah, I know that feel.

Also, if you ever attempt to use muscle rub again in the future, consider mixing it with lotion to lessen that overwhelming “my legs are on fire” feeling. With only a little muscle rub and more lotion, it becomes a nice, soothing warm feeling, followed by a strangely cold, breezy feeling. But all muscle rub, especially one with a higher active ingredient percent, as you now is not the best idea.

Anyway, as far as aftercare for your leg muscles, I recommend that after you are completely exhausted like that, perhaps you should take a very VERY cold shower. Maybe even just soak your legs in ice water for a bit.

As I imagine you will unfortunately soon discover, if you don’t “ice bath” your legs after a very vigorous workout like that, your legs will feel very sore the next day and the day after that will be infuriating when your legs not only hurt, but feel like they are somehow literally made of concrete. All of which is completely normal by the way, not to worry. However, soaking an ice bath actually makes it to where your legs only hurt a little bit the next day, and after that they are feeling good and ready to go again. (Of course even then it's still a good idea to keep resting them, as despite how they feel, they haven't actually had time to be completely recovered yet.)

So no matter what routine you do, especially this first time since you probably didn't know to ice bath and as such your legs will probably hurt like crazy today an tomorrow, just be sure to rest up as much as possible.

Trust me on these things, I would know. I find exercise quite boring on it’s own, so for my legs I usually play videos games while running in place. I most times get caught up in what game I am play though and end up running nonstop for a few hours on end. Thus, through much experimentation trying to relieve myself of the pain and fatigue every time I would do it, you could say that I found out the hard way the do’s and don'ts of fitness aftercare.

I really hope this helps, pal! (Even though I may be kind of late in my delivery of this advice, I at least hope it helps in the future.)

Take care, j-pon3.

#Kristal Candeo #Delsin Rowe #The Light #tips #fitness tips #exercise #advice #love #care #j pon3 #awesome #keep it up!#way to go #encouragement

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delthelight · 8 years

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Relationships/Social Stuff -

@j-pon3 Re: Relationships/Old friend story

Well, the other end of the social spectrum is not so enjoyable either. I usually have tons of charisma in public, and everyone wants to know me as their friend. And while it is true that I offer myself as a friend to all, that doesn’t really go both ways. Meaning that I am a friend to others when they need me, but I do not consider others MY friend. Pretty much everyone I know, especially IRL, is more of an acquaintance to me even though I may call them friends in casual conversation.

Part of the reason I keep myself so distant from others is because the person they see in public is largely just an act. Sure I am friendly and helpful and full of energy, but I like to be to myself more than anything.

You see, when I am around other people, I tend to be in this state of mind where I feel like I HAVE to be a sort of guardian/protector of the people. I feel like I have to look out for the sake and well-being of everyone else because I know no one else will. I have to be on alert to make sure everyone else is safe and happy.

But the fact of the matter is, I don’t want to have friends or even a romantic partner who I have to constantly look after. I want friends who have MY back, and I want a romantic partner who will take care of ME and make sure that I am safe.

So when people see me being protective/heroic and high-energy and charismatic and kind in public, they are drawn to that kind of personality which I am actively showing. And anyone who tries to be my friend when I am like that is only trying to be friends with only that side of me, not the entire/real me. So since people know me as that rather than how I really want to be, the people who I come to know as my “friends” don’t know any different, thus being able to trust any of them to protect and love and care for me seems pretty impossible when they think I am the one who is supposed to love and care for and protect THEM.

Now truthfully, my public personality is not necessarily what one would call “fake”, but I admit that it does greatly differ from what I like in my private life. So while I do very much like being the way I am in public by making sure everyone else is happy and well and being everyone’s closest friend, when I am in private I just kind of enjoy being in a much different mindset. When I am in public I like taking care of everyone else, but when I finally come home to relax for the rest of the night, I want someone to be there who can take care of ME, and provide counseling and advising for MY life, and make ME feel completely loved no matter what, and make sure that I MYSELF am happy and well.

(In a way, I suppose that I honestly just kind of want to have a [sort of] “Mommy” to come home to, who will love me unconditionally and deeply and care for me as her “child”. But I do acknowledge that such will never happen, so the best hope I have to fulfill this void I desire to be filled in my life is a girlfriend who will do these things but sadly that’s very unlikely to happen either, so I’ll probably never have what I want...

...And so, since I am pretty much convinced that I will never have that happiness in my own life no matter what, I just tend to focus on the needs and wants of others instead of my own; It's way easier to at least make others happy than chase a desire that will never be fulfilled.)

But also, with so many people wanting to be around me and know me as their friend, I also tend to keep everyone at a certain distance because of my own deeper-rooted trust issues. I’ve found out that no matter how long someone has been my “friend” and no matter how much they have been loyal to me in that amount of time, because of my trust issues I never can bring myself to trust them fully. And if I can’t even trust a long-time friend, how am I ever going to fully trust a romantic partner to love me for who I truly am?

I mean, I actually have a much closer friend who lives near me. For illustration purposes, let’s call this person K. K and I have shared this deeper friendship for about 2 years now. We have shared some of the deepest secrets with each other, we have enjoyed many pleasant days and evenings together, and any time one if us needs something, the other of us is there to provide it no matter what.

Now sometimes, K and I like to bring each other gifts, especially ones of food and beverage. This is a very common thing we do and it always delights us in the highest. And yet, even after these two years of this very VERY close friendship, any time K brings me food, I still feel the need to check the food K gives me to make sure it wasn’t tampered with/poisoned. I don’t really know why I check for such things at all, but I do always check any food that is given to me for poison/ malicious tampering. And even though we are such good friends and have been for quite a long while, my paranoia and trust issues still make it to where I have to check any and all food from K for any sort of tampering. And it’s not that I don’t trust K, per se, but it’s more that I just can’t really bring myself to trust anyone to the very fullest extent.

And so if I can’t even trust the one very close friend I have enough to not feel the need to check their food for tampering/poisoning, then how am I ever going to trust anyone else, especially a love interest?

Point being, being a “Social Butterfly” isn’t as good as it seems. At least when you are an introvert or are shy the friends you make like you for who you are and nothing more. But as an extrovert, so many people tend to want to be your friend that you have an extremely difficult time even finding one to actually trust to the fullest extent as a true friend.

#former friends #miscellaneous life #life #social standing #relationships #j-pon3 #Kristal Candeo #Delsin Rowe

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delthelight · 8 years

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Life - It's Pointless

@j-pon3

Thing is, you are kind of right.

To Illustrate what I mean, take me for example: I am 22-years-old, unemployed, I have no friends or family, and I spend all of my time trying be a sort of “Real Life Super Hero”. It sounds Childish, (and very well may be) but I truly want to save the world. Not the world as a whole, but every single person within it. I want to be a True Hero to those who need one, and a true friend literally everyone.

Online, I do it through providing free therapy, making free art for random people, telling jokes, and doing whatever I can to just make others Happy.

IRL, I do it through various means. While “crime fighting” isn’t what I usually do, I have been known to do it when needed. However most of the time, I am a hero just by being a true friend of the people. I like to freely fulfill certain needs in public that others are either too busy to handle or to passively selfish to take the initiative to help with.

While this may very well raise suspicion to the morality of my intentions on occasion, most times people are just glad to have help, and as such I am more than glad to provide it, whatever the task.

An example: Just last week I was walking down the street and saw that a family was moving into a new home, so I just offered to help move everything in and they accepted. I knew there was no way the father could move the heavy furniture by himself given his age, so I filled a need no one else would have. By the day’s end, all furniture and boxes of stuff was moved in and I was offered a glass of tea for my services, (which I declined but acknowledged the gratitude.) which is more than I usually get for helping people.

Now many people ask why I do these things. Most even say that I should stop when I reveal that don’t ever get money for doing what I do, nor do I even get a thanks or anything else for it most times, but I ignore those people. I do it because I like to help. Especially when I know no one else will. (And definitely not without pay). To me, it’s not about money or thanks. It’s about being able to help others when they need it.

Though it may sound cliche, it’s about being a sort of Hero.

But despite all of this "uplifting" sounding stuff, my point is that you are still right in a sense. No matter if I am a really good person, or if I decided to be completely F***ing evil, nothing really matters in life because one day we will all die and what we did wont matter aside from the legacy we left on others lives. And even then, one day the apocalypse will come and the earth will be no more, so that doesn’t matter either after everyone who’s life you impacted dies.

So yeah, you are right. Completely. But that should not be an excuse to just simply “give up”. You should still strive to live your life to the fullest even though it really doesn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things.

And besides, since life doesn’t matter, that should give you an excuse to do whatever you want with it. I mean, I know life doesn’t matter, so I choose to “play superhero” IRL all my life even when people tell me it’s childish to spend my life helping others for nothing in return.

So if you want to be a super hero IRL like me, then why not? If you want to be completely evil, why not? If you want to stay inside and eat ALL THE CAKE AND ICE CREAM, why not?

You are right, life really doesn’t matter. So just do with it what you want.

Truly, -Delsin Rowe

#encouragement #Kristal Candeo #delsin rowe #life #lifematters #life doesn't matter #uplifting #The Light #what is my life #irl #me irl #Miscellaneous Life

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