diary-of-a-butch-lesbian

[diary-of-a-butch-lesbian]

telling butch lesbians to “be ugly” when rejecting feminine beauty standards is nice but butchness is something that lesbians find beautiful and desirable so maybe instead of telling butches to accept that they are ugly in a het world tell them that they dont have to live in a world where they’re considered ugly. you dont have to accept being ugly bc you arent ugly to us.

[diary-of-a-butch-lesbian]

There is a fascination when I encounter other butches. An immediate interest, you look like me and understand why I am the way I am? Besties for life

#transmasc #nonbinary #butch #butch lesbian #butch joy #butch healing #trans rights #butch/femme #butch4butch #butch4both

[diary-of-a-butch-lesbian]

being a hot butch is a full time job unfortunately

[diary-of-a-butch-lesbian]

I want that wholesome but passionate love with a butch ❤️

[diary-of-a-butch-lesbian]

[image description: there is a stick person lying in bed with a blush on their face and hearts around their head with a thought bubble that says “being in a butch4butch relationship” next to them. end id.]

[diary-of-a-butch-lesbian]

Being a nonbinary lesbian is like I don't have a gender but my gender is dyke and I'm not a guy but I am one of the guys and also I'm not a woman but when people talk about women I'm included. Hope this clears things up

[diary-of-a-butch-lesbian]

Again the ice thaws. Now I am that future self gazing backwards in time, to that curled up, half animal shell of myself that I was, so long ago. My how things have blossomed. I look forwards to university now, I think of pursuing a subject that I am passionate about and I relish it. My body still supports me and I do my best to support it, though I really should take my iron tablets. It does wonders for keeping storm clouds at bay.

I think about how I seriously considered taking my own life. That the ringing in my ears clouded all of my judgement. That my future became obscured so easily, and so frequently that I believed it did not exist at all. I think of who it was that saved me. Certainly not my friends, nor my family. I took hold of my own life jacket and pulled myself out of freezing water. I did that. My beating heart is proof of that fact. I survived not just out of fighting, but because I loved myself back to life.

What now? Loneliness turns to solitude and solitude turns to hopefulness. I hope to have my own blend of chai, that I can make from scratch when it suits me. I hope to have an apartment, white walls framed in green from houseplants, rosemary and basil on the windowsill. I hope to take a deck of cards with me, wherever I might travel and ask strangers to teach me their favourite game. I hope to be the sort of person who plays the piano, yes, but will only play ABBA and only when drunk. Perhaps I will make bread and watch it rise, as the rain patters outside. Perhaps I might dance on my own, in the quiet of nighttime, minding where the floorboards creak.

Perhaps I might become someone’s lover, hold her close to me and make sure she never felt as alone as I did, that nights never were as dark for her as they were for me. Will I be refuge for her? Will I allow myself to take refuge with her? I certainly hope so. Hope got me this far at least :)

I am sorry for not updating for quite some time, many things happened after the passing of my cat, none of which were particularly good. Many of them I made worse, which resulted in a stint of loneliness.

I want to talk about this, the loneliness that comes creeping in from time to time. My days quickly became bleak, grey as fog as I found myself eating my lunch in silence rather than looking forward to laughing with friends. The taste of it was the only thing I had left to savour.

You must understand, I have been running from loneliness for as long as I remember running from anything in particular. The loneliness I feel is measured and patient, unrelenting and predictable as the tides washing in. Some days I felt as though I was choking, most of the other days blurred together. I felt like I was splitting in two.

But I survived. I have worked on saving myself, gripping myself by a life jacket and hauling myself out of freezing water. I have kept myself warm and fed, brushed my teeth when i felt like I was rotting from the inside out and kept myself working when all i wanted to do was stop. I am not writing this as an exercise in pity, or to achieve some sort of reward. No one should have to do this sort of rescue but it can be done, to all those who feel as I have felt I love you. Truly and deeply. I want you to know that I see you, busy saving yourself, treading water and keeping yourself going. I’m sorry that it has come to this but your courage has not gone unnoticed. I see you and I understand. And I am deeply sorry that you ache like this. Don’t stop rescuing yourself, your future self will look back and cherish your strength.

#tw: suicide #suicidal mention tw #tw depression #i guess? #mental health #self care #transmasc #nonbinary #butch #butch lesbian #butch joy #butch healing #butch yearning #butch love #butch refuge

[diary-of-a-butch-lesbian]

I went to a gay bar for the first time recently, and I can attest to the fact that it is still a healing space. Admittedly, this wasn’t technically my first visit to a gay bar, I sat in one at 4pm once, frightened out of my mind because I was alone and the only other patrons were old men. Moving through this world as an AFAB person instilled a certain amount of caution in that regard, but the poor souls were likely looking to enjoy their bar, and left the frightened teenager alone.

This time I was surrounded by people my own age and I danced with a girl who pulled me in by the waist and kissed me. Another bought me a drink and left traces of her lip gloss on my mouth. For the first time, as a butch lesbian I felt desired. I danced and felt desirable, that I was loved with my masculinity taken into account and cherished. This bar certainly left its mark on me and I will forever cherish the memory of the queer women that saw me that night :)

#butch lesbian #transmasc #nonbinary #trans joy #butch/femme #butch #trans #trans rights #masc queer #queer #gay pride #lesbian pride #butch feelings #this butch felt cherished #thank you @ all the femmes who cherish us #and other butches too I saw yall

[diary-of-a-butch-lesbian]

My hair’s become a very sensual part of myself after it was cut short. When it was long, it was a thick, heavy mass that just happened to be attached to my head. I’d almost tear chunks of it out in annoyance, whether with a hairbrush or with my own hands.

But now? I shiver at the thought of a woman gently playing with my hair. Feeling fingers sliding up the back of my neck into the crown of my head causes me to unravel. It’s such a sacred, euphoric part of who I am. I can’t believe I ever kept it long

#butch lesbian #butch/femme #butch #transmasc #nonbinary #trans joy #trans rights #can trans men relate?

[diary-of-a-butch-lesbian]

In light of my most recent post, here are a few of the joys I find in being butch (these may also apply to those who are transmasc)

- reaching for the back of your neck and feeling the brush of short hair (for those who crop their hair short)

- finding a men’s shirt that fits perfectly and catching yourself in the mirror wearing it

- catching the eye of a femme as they check you out, smiling to yourself as they blush with being caught

- seeing someone else like you in public. Seeing cropped hair and men’s clothes and giving eachother a look of recognition “I see you. I understand you and I think you look beautiful”

- trying on a suit for the first time

- finding a barber who you feel safe with. That first time you see yourself with short hair.

- finding beauty in the things you might have been encouraged to find fault with when you were younger. I have been gifted with broader shoulders, but when I was pursuing men I was told that men wouldn’t find that part of me attractive. Now I hope that women do :)

#butch #transmasc #please reblog with transfemme joys or femme joys I really wanna hear them :)

[diary-of-a-butch-lesbian]

I visited a vintage store today, which was managed by someone I believe is like me. Whether transmasc, a butch lesbian or maybe simply an afab person dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt, with short cropped hair. Either way, they were the same age as my mum and we saw eachother, plain as day.

The same day, I was told that I should maybe think about changing who I am. Well, not exactly that, but perhaps I should think about dressing more feminine, shaving my legs. Which might as well have been “change who you are”.

I think people fail to see the beauty of this. I cannot for the life of me understand why, I look in the mirror and I have the blessed ability to see myself as sacred. As handsome, my short hair and my men’s clothes make me beautiful, they show the world who I am. This is always something that people insist on loving me in spite of, “I don’t care how you dress, it doesn’t bother me” “what you do with your wardrobe is your business, it doesn’t change how I see you” I hope it does! I hope you get to see my masculinity as something divine and flourishing, as new trees flourish in the summertime. I pity you for not being able to see the perfection of a genderqueer identity.

#kind of a vent #transmasc #butch lesbian #lesbian #butch #femme #butch/femme #trans #trans joy #trans rights #sacred #genderqueer #gnc #gnc lesbian #gnc woman #nonbinary

[diary-of-a-butch-lesbian]

Hey guys, I think I might end up changing the name of this blog, I currently feel as though the label of a trans man doesn’t quite fit? I am unsure.

I have taken a shine to a new term - butch lesbian. This is the opposite direction that I’ve heard of people travelling but this feels more like home in some ways. Then again I still adore the name Harvey. Hm.

#this is complicated #butch lesbian #trans man #god knows at this point #transgender man #transgender woman #transmasc #transfemme #nonbinary

[diary-of-a-butch-lesbian]

Update: it gets better, it always does. I was deeply miserable here. God I was so miserable but now the sunlight comes in again.

I am sorry for not updating for quite some time, many things happened after the passing of my cat, none of which were particularly good. Many of them I made worse, which resulted in a stint of loneliness.

I want to talk about this, the loneliness that comes creeping in from time to time. My days quickly became bleak, grey as fog as I found myself eating my lunch in silence rather than looking forward to laughing with friends. The taste of it was the only thing I had left to savour.

You must understand, I have been running from loneliness for as long as I remember running from anything in particular. The loneliness I feel is measured and patient, unrelenting and predictable as the tides washing in. Some days I felt as though I was choking, most of the other days blurred together. I felt like I was splitting in two.

But I survived. I have worked on saving myself, gripping myself by a life jacket and hauling myself out of freezing water. I have kept myself warm and fed, brushed my teeth when i felt like I was rotting from the inside out and kept myself working when all i wanted to do was stop. I am not writing this as an exercise in pity, or to achieve some sort of reward. No one should have to do this sort of rescue but it can be done, to all those who feel as I have felt I love you. Truly and deeply. I want you to know that I see you, busy saving yourself, treading water and keeping yourself going. I’m sorry that it has come to this but your courage has not gone unnoticed. I see you and I understand. And I am deeply sorry that you ache like this. Don’t stop rescuing yourself, your future self will look back and cherish your strength.

[diary-of-a-butch-lesbian]

I cannot believe I forgot to update you guys on this but I finally got my hair cut!! And my god, I realise now it was responsible for sooooo much of my dysphoria, like

Me, with long hair: hm, I’m looking at myself in the mirror, in masculine clothes, why do I feel so icky?

Me now, in the same clothes: oh I see.

#seriously though #whoever convinced me I look bad in a suit needs to be fired pronto #trans masc #trans joy #trans haircut #transgender #trans man #trans guy #transfemme #tw: dysphoria #trans rights #trans women #trans enby #trans pride #nonbinary pride

[diary-of-a-butch-lesbian]

I am sorry for not updating for quite some time, many things happened after the passing of my cat, none of which were particularly good. Many of them I made worse, which resulted in a stint of loneliness.

I want to talk about this, the loneliness that comes creeping in from time to time. My days quickly became bleak, grey as fog as I found myself eating my lunch in silence rather than looking forward to laughing with friends. The taste of it was the only thing I had left to savour.

You must understand, I have been running from loneliness for as long as I remember running from anything in particular. The loneliness I feel is measured and patient, unrelenting and predictable as the tides washing in. Some days I felt as though I was choking, most of the other days blurred together. I felt like I was splitting in two.

But I survived. I have worked on saving myself, gripping myself by a life jacket and hauling myself out of freezing water. I have kept myself warm and fed, brushed my teeth when i felt like I was rotting from the inside out and kept myself working when all i wanted to do was stop. I am not writing this as an exercise in pity, or to achieve some sort of reward. No one should have to do this sort of rescue but it can be done, to all those who feel as I have felt I love you. Truly and deeply. I want you to know that I see you, busy saving yourself, treading water and keeping yourself going. I’m sorry that it has come to this but your courage has not gone unnoticed. I see you and I understand. And I am deeply sorry that you ache like this. Don’t stop rescuing yourself, your future self will look back and cherish your strength.

#tw depression #I guess? #mental health #loneliness #self care

[diary-of-a-butch-lesbian]

Hey, I might take a little break from posting here, my childhood cat recently passed and I’m just feeling a whole cocktail of emotions about it, i just need some time to myself.

#tw pet death #cat death #grief cw

[diary-of-a-butch-lesbian]

Bringing this back, in light of the overwhelming response I received on my most recent post.

What really makes me smile is that part of that little mutter dealt with the feeling of isolation, the feeling of loneliness that comes with feeling different, feeling as though there are few who are like you. It’s ironic and touching that this is the post that lit up my phone with notifications, that brought an absolutely astounding response.

To those who have stopped by, thank you. I’m sorry that this post resonates, but I’m glad that we can sit together with this. Someone once told me that there is a difference between feeling lonely and being alone, we might feel lonely but we are certainly not alone.

I see a few people passing through, I’m getting all these notifications of people liking my little mumbles and it really makes me happy! There aren’t a lot of you but you’ve read what I’ve written and evidently it’s resonated with you (if only a little) and I just want to say that I appreciate you guys, it really warms my heart that you guys read something, something that I haven’t been able to admit to some of my closest friends and liked it :)