didiwakeuptoday

[didiwakeuptoday]

But why Wednesday? I don't understand.

#pop tarts

[didiwakeuptoday]

JESssuS cHRIst I did not realize the table was right there

#and now i am pain

[didiwakeuptoday]

I take my melatonin with vinegar

[didiwakeuptoday]

"Umm excuse me, I'm not done with that."

Me: *already grabbing item* "You're done when I say you're done."

"The attitude from this one."

Me: "Were you honestly expecting anything else?"

[didiwakeuptoday]

"It was Walmart so that seems a valid enough reason—"

"I was expecting it to be FLOrida"

#overheard

[didiwakeuptoday]

Does anyone actually like unsalted butter or do people buy it because sodium?

[didiwakeuptoday]

"He's fine, I guess, as long as you don't marry him."

#overheard

[didiwakeuptoday]

*suffers social anxiety from interacting w ppl over the internet*

[didiwakeuptoday]

I don't want to count. Do we really have to count?

#math #fml

[didiwakeuptoday]

Are you FIRING cheese?

[didiwakeuptoday]

You know that moment when fuzzy socks lose their fuzziness and their kind of just like....socks? That moment is my life.

[didiwakeuptoday]

I am the safest kind of stranger, I want nothing to do with you or your children.

[didiwakeuptoday]

Sitting in somebody's hot tub thinking about how broke I am

[didiwakeuptoday]

I'm actually psychic but only when it comes to knowing how many pets you have.

[didiwakeuptoday]

As I looked in the can I had the disturbing notion to empty it upon my face.

[didiwakeuptoday]

Sometimes, I too, drop kick tasers across my room.

[didiwakeuptoday]

Hairbrained