dindjarinbae

[dindjarinbae]

hellooo i would like to request something <33

basically hanahaki disease w/ Aleksander? when alina arrived at the little palace, reader had been coughing and Aleksander noticed then reader found out that she was coughing petals and eventually got to know it was a disease with the help of some of the plant expert grishas i guess perhaps the healers? then reader starts to distance herself from Aleksander so he wouldn't know but he eventually found out because one of the grisha witnessed one of reader's coughing session and maybe an angst to fluff fic 👉👈

first of all, i am so sorry.. she's a long one... this has been tentatively proofread so i apologise for any grammar or spelling errors. this is my first time writing this trope so i hope it will do alright. thank u for ur beautiful req, my lovely anon, i love u!

warnings: hanahaki disease, blood, vomiting, aleksander is an idiot here lowkey.

word count: 11.9k

To Love Another & Be Loved (aleksander morozova x fem!reader)

-

The Sun Summoner had to be one of the nicest people you’d met in your entire life. 

You wanted to dislike her, after all, she was the center of Aleksander’s attention almost all of the time. Not even the scraps of his time had been reserved for you as of late. 

But you simply couldn’t hate her. She was nothing but kind to you. You spent much of your time with her, anyway. You were the only other Tailor besides Genya and often helped her ready herself for important things when Genya was tending to the Queen. At first, your service to her was only out of obligation to Aleksander. After all, he was your best friend and he fought the King constantly to keep you away from the Grand Palace. The least you could do was help a bit. Surely it would be temporary. 

You sat in Alina’s room with her and you focused hard on twisting her hair up and braiding little bits of it to create an elaborate updo. She was to have dinner with the King and Queen and the Prince that night along with Aleksander. You wordlessly pinned up a thin, tiny braid and Alina sighed. 

“At what point does this all just… stop?” She asked warily and you eyed her through the mirror she sat in front of. 

You raised an eyebrow and shook your head, “What do you mean?” You questioned and flickered your eyes back on her hair. 

“Just… the showiness of it all. When do I become a person with capabilities rather than a spectacle?” 

“Likely never.” You replied with a frown and you met her eyes in the mirror, “But that shouldn’t discourage you. Be the best damn spectacle this country has seen.”

Her shoulders squared a bit and she seemed to at least somewhat like what you had to say. You smiled and went back to her hair, your fingers deftly weaving braids and little twists together for a while longer. You sat back after some time and then placed a few decorative pins in her hair, giving her an approving smile. 

“Lovely. I’m sure the royal family will just eat you up.” You teased and rose from the stool you sat on.  

“I’m sure Aleksander won’t like that.” She countered playfully and the smile slowly faded from your face. 

You blinked in surprise a few times and then let out an uneasy chuckle, “So he’s told you his name?” 

You didn’t know why it bothered you. But it did. 

Alina nodded and she slid on her kefta and buttoned it up while she hummed. You eyed her and bit down on the inside of your cheek. It was black, of course. You glanced down at your own kefta and smoothed it down almost self-consciously. You wore a red kefta that was intricately embroidered with blue threads, and you’d never been disappointed in it until now. 

Why not dress her in gold? You asked silently as you stared at her and you felt that same bitter twinge of jealousy you’d felt ever since she came to the Little Palace. Furthermore, the little sparkle in her eyes when she said his name didn't go unnoticed by you. 

“Yes, is it not very common knowledge?” She asked once she finished buttoning up her clothes and you shook your head. 

You opened your mouth to speak but a knock on the door cut you off. You took this as an opportunity to end this conversation before it made you more upset and you hurried to the door. You opened it up and you were instantly met by a familiar pair of dark eyes. A little weight was lifted from your chest and you smiled up at Aleksander who gave you a smile right back. 

“I figured you’d still be here.” He remarked and leaned down to press a chaste and polite kiss on your cheek. Your skin felt warm and tingly where his lips had made contact and as he pulled away, you prayed he didn’t see the way your face was flushing. 

“It probably wouldn’t have taken so long if Alina didn’t have so much hair.” You noted and then tucked a piece of your own back behind your ear, “I haven’t seen much of you recently.” You remarked, trying your best to keep your tone casual. 

Aleksander clasped his hands behind his back and he gave you a wide smile, “Well, as you know, I’ve been very busy. Join me for tea tomorrow afternoon, I would love to catch up with you.” He said earnestly and you felt a tug in your chest. 

“Of course. Tea sounds wonderful.” You replied, and watched as his eyes shifted over your shoulder. 

The look on his face made your own smile falter. His eyes were fixed on Alina who stood behind you and his smile had turned into an awestruck expression, his eyes softening in ways they didn’t even soften for you. 

“Miss Starkov, you look dazzling.” He commented and you suddenly felt very small, standing in the middle of them. 

Her shy giggle sent a gravelly itch up your throat and you blinked a few times, trying to fight back a cough. 

She thanked him and said something else, but you didn’t hear it because a dry, gritty cough came tearing up through your throat. You held your hands over your mouth frantically and doubled over. You felt a hand on your back and slowly you straightened yourself back up and gasped for air, the coughs ceasing. 

“Are you alright? Would you like a bit of water?” You heard Alina ask and you shook your head, shifting your eyes downwards. 

“What was that? Did you choke on a fly?” Aleksander asked with an amused little chuckle. You gave him a terse laugh in response and felt your throat burn again. Another much smaller and shorter cough reverberated through your chest and you held your hands tightly over your mouth. A warm, wet feeling coated your palms and your face paled. 

Once you recovered you frantically balled your hands up in fists and lowered them to your sides, clearing your throat, “I’m not sure where that came from. I think I’ll go make some tea. Have a lovely dinner.” You murmured hoarsely and scurried past Aleksander, not bothering to look back at them. You made it halfway down the hallway before you slowly unfurled your hands and held them up so that you could see your palms. 

They were sporadically coated in blood.

-

“You don’t have a cold, y/n. Perhaps it’s just the dry air. Winter is upon us.” Genya stated as she stirred a sugar cube into her tea. 

You looked over your shoulder and expected to see Aleksander any time now and then you turned back to Genya with a shrug. 

“I don’t know what else it could be. I can’t stop coughing.” You replied, leaving out the part where most of your coughs dragged blood up from your throat. 

She hummed and took a sip of her tea before shaking her head, “No. Grisha don’t get sick, lovely. You can’t have a cold. Perhaps you’re allergic to something you’ve been smelling or using or eating. Anything new in your diet? Perfumes? Lotions?” She pressed and you shook your head, “Well, then I’m not sure what to tell you. See a Healer if you’re concerned about it but I’m telling you it’s likely the dry air.” She urged. 

You looked down at your own tea and watched tendrils of steam climb the air above it. You let out a sigh and reached out to grab a sugar cube, when you felt a hand on your shoulder. You jumped and spun around, feeling instant relief when you saw that it was only Aleksander who had his hand on you. You sighed contently and leaned your cheek down against the back of his hand. 

“Please, forgive me. I know I’m a bit late to tea. I just had a rather disappointing conversation with a few trackers.” He hummed and then pulled his hand away from your shoulder, leaving you with a certain kind of emptiness. 

He slid into the chair next to you and grabbed your hand tightly, and you felt your heart beat a little bit faster. Genya must have heard it, because she smirked and quickly raised her teacup to her lips to hide it. 

“You weren’t at breakfast this morning.” He commented and tapped your knuckles with the side of his thumb. 

“I wasn’t feeling the best.” You drawled and looked up at his face. He didn’t seem overly concerned when you mentioned that you didn’t feel well, but he didn’t brush it off, either. 

“Odd. Perhaps you should see my Healer.” He pressed and then he reached out and poured himself a cup of tea with his free hand before he released your hand. 

You didn’t respond. Instead, you turned back to your own tea and took a sip of it, looking up at Genya who cleared her throat and stood up.

“Well. I’ll leave you two to it then. I’ve got to get back to the Queen.” She stated and gave you a small wave before scurrying off. 

“Y/n. My Healer?” Aleksander pressed and you glanced up at him. 

You gave him a polite shake of your head and you smiled, “No, it’s all okay. I feel much better now.” You insisted. And it was partially true. You did feel a bit better now that you had some tea. 

You felt his onyx eyes on you as you turned back to your tea and before you could turn towards him, he reached up and brushed a bit of your hair back behind your ear. 

“You look very tired.” He commented and frowned, letting his fingers linger against the side of your face for only a second before dropping them. 

“I am tired. But I have a lot to do today. Besides, I’m getting fitted for my dress today. For the Fete.” You commented, trying to change the subject. 

He hummed and then picked up his teacup, “What are you going to wear?” He asked curiously and he shifted his entire body towards you. 

You looked over at him and slowly turned yourself to face him as well and you gave him a little smile, “Well, not red. That’s for sure. I picked something soft. Pink. A pretty pink dress.”

“Pink is a form of red.” Aleksander pointed out, an amused little smile forming on his perfect lips. 

You giggled and then shook your head, reaching out to give his arm a very gentle smack, “Pink is a very nice color and even if it is red at the very core of it all, I will be wearing it.”

He rolled his eyes playfully and then he chuckled, “Determined little thing, aren’t you?” He asked and then set his teacup down, “I’m glad you’re coming. I was worried you would skip this Fete like you did last year.” 

“Well, last year Vasily was all over me. And I hated it. Of course I didn’t go.” You remarked with a little snort. Aleksander laughed softly and shook his head, turning back to his tea. 

You looked at him, your face softening. Everything about him seemed so… inviting in that moment. The way his hair was immaculately brushed back and curled around the back of his neck, the little curve of his lips as they stayed in their smile from your antics. His dark eyes shone with a rare light of humor and the light of the afternoon sun illuminated them perfectly as you stared at him from the side. He was so heartbreakingly beautiful. 

And you wanted him so badly. You wanted to kiss him, you wanted him to hold you, you wanted him to look at you the way he’d looked at Alina the night before. You wanted to wear black with him and you wanted to be at his side during the Fete. 

You were desperately in love with your best friend, and the worst part was that you could never tell him. 

Your silence must have concerned him in some way, because he slowly turned to face you, the smile slowly vanishing from his face. 

“Y/n, you look like you are about to cry, darling. What’s going on?” He asked softly and you shook your head a few times. 

“N..nothing is wrong.” You lied and felt your throat begin to tingle with the familiar preceding another coughing fit, “I think I just need to go lie down. I feel… unwell.” You added, your voice getting weaker as you tried to keep a cough at bay. 

“Please,” Aleksander began and slowly rose from his chair, “let me walk you to your room, my dear. You are starting to worry me a little bit, if I’m being perfectly honest with you.” He stated and held his arm out for you to take. 

You reached up to grab his arm but instantly yanked your hands back and brought them to your face as you began to cough violently into your palms. The sharp, metallic taste of blood filled your mouth and you heaved forward on your chair, nearly falling off as you coughed. Aleksander’s strong hands caught your shoulders, and before you could protest, he was lifting you up into his arms. 

“Alright. I’m going to take you to your room and then I’m going to send for a Healer. This isn’t natural. You shouldn’t be coughing like that.” He stated. 

You held your hands over your mouth for a while longer as your coughs subsided and you blinked a few times. Once you were sure no more coughs were to come, you pulled your hands up into the sleeves of your kefta and you cleared your throat, wincing as it burned, “No, you don’t need to. I swear to the Saints it’s just allergies, Aleksander.” You said wheezily. 

He looked down at your face and his brows furrowed together and he shook his head, “You have blood on your chin.” He commented and you gaped up at him. 

You reached up and wiped your chin with the sleeve of your kefta and he simply shook his head. You closed your eyes exhaustedly and let him carry you the rest of the way to your room. Once he’d gotten you to your bedroom, he laid you out on your bed and frowned down at you. 

“I’m sending a Healer up here. Don’t be stubborn, please let them help. I’d stay but I’m taking Alina riding. Promise me you will accept the help I send for you.” He said sternly and you opened your eyes. 

You stared up at him, something snapping in your chest. He couldn’t even stay to make sure you were okay? 

“That’s fine. I promise.” You said bitterly and then shook your head, “Have fun riding with Alina.” 

You were sure he caught the bitterness in your tone, because he scowled slightly and then shook his head. He looked as if he might argue with you but instead he wordlessly turned on his heel and left your room, slamming your door behind him. 

A brutal cough tore itself free from your chest and it sent you shooting up into a sitting position. You held your hands over your mouth to catch the droplets of blood that loosed themselves from your throat. Your throat burned as if you were swallowing acid and you miserably pulled your hands away from your mouth between coughs. You stared down at the blood in your hands and suddenly your stomach twisted. You launched yourself off of the bed and grabbed the waste bin that sat near your bed and you coughed violently into it until something sharp tore its way up through your throat and out of your mouth. You had to blink a few times before it registered what exactly sat in the once-empty waste bin; what exactly came out of your mouth. A small cluster of thorns lay in a thick puddle of your blood, and a cluster of bloody rose petals laid around it.

Your mouth hung agape as you stared down into the wastebasket and you pushed it away from you with a frightened yelp. 

Something soft slid against your tongue and you reached up and shakily pulled a blood wetted rose petal off of your tongue, and it was the last thing you saw before your vision went black. 

-

Something wet and cold mopped across your feverish forehead and you slowly opened your eyes. Someone’s hand moved back and forth in your line of sight and you heard a loud gasp before your hands were being clutched tightly. You cleared the fuzziness from your vision by blinking a handful of times and you slowly sat up a bit to see Genya standing over you with her hands clasping yours. A Healer stood at your bedside with a cloth in her hand and you looked back and forth between the two of them before you let out a raspy sigh. 

“Y/n! Sweetheart! What is going on? Emilia found you this way. She said The Darkling sent her up here to you and that when she came in you were out cold on the floor.” 

Emilia must have been the name of the Healer girl at your side and you looked over at her with a terse smile before you looked back at Genya. Her wide eyes were even wider with fear and you frowned, not wanting to have frightened her. 

“I’m fine, I promise. It just must be aller-“

“It is not allergies!” Genya cut you off viciously and dropped your hand to point at the waste bin, “What kind of allergy has you throwing up… plants?” She demanded and you simply shrugged. 

She exasperatedly squeezed the hand of yours that she still held and she frowned, “Emilia tried to heal you but couldn’t find anything wrong with you. Your lungs sound terrible but other than that, you’re healthy.” She said with worry lacing every word she spoke, “When The Darkling gets back from riding-“

You shook your head and held your hand up, “No. No we are not going to tell him a single thing, do you two understand me? You will tell him I am suffering allergies and will be fine in a week or two. I don’t want him around.” You said in a clipped tone.

Genya looked surprised when you said this but she didn’t protest. Instead, she comfortingly brushed her thumb across the back of your hand and let out a defeated little sigh, “Oh, honey. Are things that bad?” 

You slowly looked up at Emilia and Genya did as well. Emilia looked between the two of you and she let out a little sigh. 

“I’ll go get you some tea for your throat.” She said, excusing herself from the conversation that you so desperately wanted to keep private. 

The moment the Healer left the room, you burst into tears. Your ragged breaths seemed to tear trenches into your throat as you cried and little coughs escaped your lips between sobs. You buried your face in your hands and barely noticed when Genya sat right next to you and wrapped her arm around your shoulder, pulling you against her side. 

“Sweetheart, what happened? This afternoon you were all smiles for him.” She breathed and gently rubbed your arm, soothing your cries just slightly. 

“Oh, Genya. I love him. I’m so very in love with him and he hardly gives me the time of day anymore. He speaks of Alina like she’s hung his entire sky. He looks at her like she’s more precious than jewels. He noticed I wasn’t feeling well, and he couldn’t even stay with me. He just tossed a healer at me and left to go with her. It hurts, Genya.” You cried, hiding your face against her shoulder. 

The red haired girl stroked your hair and your back and your arm as you cried against her and at some point, reached out to grab the cool cloth Emilia had left behind. She gently dabbed it against your cheeks and the side of your neck and she frowned, letting you cry. 

Your chest ached terribly at the idea that you loved your best friend who would never love you back, but it seemed to hurt more that you were all in all losing said best friend. Genya coaxed you down until your cheek was against her upper thigh and she ran her fingers through your hair, dabbing the cold cloth against your burning skin still. 

“Things will work out the way they’re supposed to, honey.” Genya said softly, still trying to soothe you. 

Tears rolled down your cheeks still, but your cries subsided for the most part. You exhaustedly closed your eyes and relaxed underneath the Tailor’s touch. You took painful, deep breaths and attempted to calm yourself. You laid in silence against Genya’s thigh for a long time, the only sounds being your sniffles and coughs and little whines. You desperately tried to clear your head of Aleksander, and nearly had, before your door swung open. You heard the handle smack against the wall, and heavy footsteps made their way across your floors. Aleksander. You laid still against Genya and prayed that he thought you were asleep. 

“Emilia says it’s only allergies.” Genya said quietly and you felt her hand slow in your hair until it rested protectively against the crown of your head. 

You heard him shuffle for a moment before he hummed, “She looks miserable.” He remarked. 

He lifted his hand to touch your arm, but Genya shooed his hand away and shook her head. 

“Let her sleep.” She murmured and you heard Aleksander snort. 

“Well, according to my Healer, she’s been unconscious for three hours up until now. How is she sleeping again?” He asked and you could tell he didn’t believe you were asleep. 

That didn’t stop you from pretending, still. 

“Because she is feeling unwell. Why don’t you come and see her tomorrow morning?” Genya suggested and slowly began to drag her fingers through your hair again. 

“I don’t want to see her tomorrow morning. I want to see her now.”

“I don’t think she wants to see you, moi soverenyi.” The Tailor countered. 

The room was silent for a moment and then you heard the rustle of his kefta as he shifted in place. You bit the inside of your cheek, fighting back every desire inside of you that screamed for you to launch yourself into his arms. Maybe if you did, he would carry you like he had earlier. You wanted to scream how you loved him in his face and cry on his chest about how he was hurting you. But you stayed rooted in the bed. 

“Mm, alright then. Let her know that she needn’t seek me out then. If she truly does not want to see me. I won’t bother her.” He said coldly and you felt your face screw up in despair. 

“That’s not what I’m saying. I’m only saying she likely doesn’t want to be bothered and roused from an already uncomfortable sleep just so you can ask her what I’ve already asked a hundred times. It’s just allergies. It happens with the turn of the seasons.” Genya explained calmly, her voice steady. 

“I’ve known her for years now and she’s never had allergies at the turn of the seasons.” He stated. 

“Well, that’s the only thing that it can be. The Healer said it herself. She’s perfectly healthy otherwise.” Genya insisted. 

There was another long silence in the room and you could feel his near-black eyes boring into you, traveling your crumpled form. But he said nothing more. After a while, you heard his footsteps as he left the room and the door closed, much more carefully this time. 

You didn’t dare open your eyes until Genya sighed and gently tapped the back of your head, “He’s not here, it’s okay.” She murmured and you slowly opened your eyes. 

Another cry escaped your lips. 

-

The next few days were absolutely miserable. You’d spent the first day and half in your room, and when Genya wasn’t waiting on you, you were alone. Aleksander didn’t come to see you once, and you came to accept that it was just going to be your new normal. 

The first time you emerged from your bedroom in days was for dinner, and Genya held you tight to her side as she walked with you down to the dining hall. Normally, she didn’t eat with the other Grisha, but she had neglected many of her duties to the Queen to take care of you for the past two days. 

Now, three days had passed since you had last seen- or heard, rather- Aleksander, and you sat out in the courtyard on the grass with Genya. The red haired girl had insisted that you needed sunlight and she sat and read under a tree with you while you laid your head in her lap. You could hardly speak, and when you did, your voice was raspy and quiet. Every now and then, the girl would look over her book to check on you, and each time she did, she’d give you a kind smile. 

“Are you hungry?” She asked after a while and brought her hand up to your forehead to feel for your temperature. 

You shook your head weakly and rubbed your cheek with the back of your hand, “I don’t have an appetite, admittedly.” You murmured and she clicked her tongue, but didn’t press the subject. 

You tried your best to enjoy the cool breeze on your feverish cheeks, but you couldn’t seem to distract yourself from the pounding in your head and the raw burn in your throat.

“What are you reading?” You asked Genya absentmindedly and she hummed. 

“Reading up on rare diseases. I found a few books that have information about sicknesses and accounts of Grisha becoming ill with certain ones. I thought maybe it would help us figure out what’s going on with you.” She stated and turned a page as if on cue. 

A warm feeling tickled your nose and you felt it travel downwards until your skin was wet and you gasped and let out a curse. You sat up quickly and held your hand over your nose as it bled and you glanced down at the little bloody spot on Genya’s kefta. 

“Saints. I’m so sorry. I’m such a mess.” You breathed and cupped your hands underneath your nose to catch the rapidly flowing blood. 

The girl simply shook her head and pulled handkerchief out of her pocket and passed it to you, “Don’t be sorry. We can get the stain out easily.” She insisted, and you gratefully took the handkerchief from her and held it against your nose.

“Perhaps we should get you inside?” She suggested and you nodded once. You grabbed onto the tree with your free hand and balanced yourself as you rose to your feet. You felt winded as you stood and your throat began to prickle and you let out a groan that was cut short when you leaned forward and coughed viciously into the sleeve of your kefta. Little petals spewed out of your mouth as you coughed and got stuck with your blood onto the fabric of your sleeve, but you weren’t surprised anymore. Thorns and petals came along with the coughs now. At least now your nose had ceased its bleeding. You wiped your mouth with your sleeve and groaned in pain as you felt Genya touch your back. 

“Oh, Saints. Hurry. Let’s go inside. The Darkling is out here.” She said in a hushed tone, and though you two tried to hurry into the palace, it seemed you weren’t fast enough, because Aleksander called your name.

You looked up at Genya worriedly and she took a glance at your face. Blood was smeared under your nose and on your chin and she let out a huff before she snatched the handkerchief from your hand and quickly cleaned up your face. She stuffed the soiled fabric into her pocket once more and you turned around just in time to see Aleksander approach you with Alina not far behind.

His kefta billowed like smoke behind him in the breeze and when he reached you, his face was nothing short of irritated and accusatory. His beautiful face was set in an angry grimace and his eyes were hard. You shied back slightly and felt Genya’s hand press encouragingly into your back. 

“It must be rather fun ignoring me, since you’ve done it flawlessly for three days now.” He snapped and you looked down at your feet, biting down on the inside of your cheek. 

“I haven’t felt well, I’m sorry.” You mumbled. 

He snorted and reached out to grab your jaw, tilting your face up so that he could look down upon you, “That’s not an excuse. I don’t expect you to be prancing and frolicking around, but as someone who cares about you, I would at least like to be updated about your state.” 

His words sent a shockwave of sadness through your chest and you frowned, your eyes watering. You blinked away your tears rapidly, refusing to cry in front of him and Alina. He let go of your face slowly and he shook his head. 

“My dear, I worry about you, that’s all. I’m not truly angry, oh please don’t cry.” He said softly, his expression ridding itself of all anger as he watched your eyes gloss over with unshed tears. 

You shifted your gaze over his shoulder and watched as Alina gently grabbed his arm and he subtly pulled her into his side. The action had you biting down on your cheek hard, a terrible cough fighting its way up your throat. You felt something sharp rise to the back of your throat and you shoved past all three of them to get inside of the palace, holding your hands over your mouth as you raced to your bedroom. 

You were unsure of how you held it in for so long, but as soon as you got to your room, a violent retching sound ripped it’s way up through your chest and your throat and you fell to your knees and a slew of blood and petals came spewing out of your mouth. The heavy, sharp presence was still in the back of your throat and you coughed, and coughed, and coughed until you felt something shred the back of your throat and come loose. A rosebud tumbled from behind your lips, followed by a thick mixture of blood and saliva. You stared down at the sticky, bloody mess you had made all over your pale blue rug and you brought your shaky hands up to your clammy face, covering your mouth as you sobbed. 

Your chest ached and burned as if you’d swallowed blades and you let out a shrill scream of frustration. You sunk down onto the floor even further and curled up into a ball, your cheek resting a bit too close to the sticky puddle of blood and floral matter. You were too exhausted to care. Everything hurt, nothing made sense. Every breath you took sent shards of glass sliding down your throat and you coughed again, bits of petals getting stuck to your bloodied lips. You slowly closed your eyes and shivered once, reaching down and holding your knees to your chest. 

No one had followed you. Not even Aleksander. Even just thinking his name sent a pang of raw emotion through your chest and a few little tears rolled down your cheeks as you laid against the ruined carpets. Too busy with Alina. Too busy with everything. When did the busy excuses end? At what point did you need to accept that he didn’t love you as much as you loved him, and certainly not in the same way. You cursed yourself for thinking of him. Why were you thinking of him? He surely wasn’t thinking of you. You should have been thinking about why the hell you were sick. 

But all you could think about was Aleksander. 

-

You weren’t sure how or when, but at some point, you’d been moved up onto your bed and your blood-ruined dress had been switched out for a light, breathable nightgown. A hand dragged itself through your hair slowly and you almost thought you were imagining in your half-asleep state, until you heard voices. 

“I don’t really care. I will remove someone from the frontlines if we must. I need a very, very good Healer and I need them promptly.” 

You recognized Aleksander’s voice anywhere, and now that you were a bit more aware, you could tell that it was not Genya’s delicate little hand running through your hair.  

It was his. 

You kept your eyes closed and tried to enjoy the very minimally important action of his hand stroking your hair so gently. 

“Then find someone. But I don’t think this is anything to worry about.” 

That voice belonged to Genya, and you felt a sense of relief that she was still covering for you. 

“Genya, do not give me excuses any longer. I know she is ill. To the extent and with what, I am unsure. But she is my dearest friend, and I will not be so easily deterred from finding a solution to her health.” He spoke quietly, as if he didn’t want to wake you and you felt your lip nearly wobble. 

You didn’t know if you were joyful or devastated to hear him call you his friend. You longed for ignorance. You longed to think that he was here to confess his love for you, you wanted him to play with your hair like this for hours and hold you in his arms while you slept. 

You wouldn’t get your wish, though. 

“Sir, I think it would just be best to give her space.” Genya suggested quietly. 

Aleksander’s hand stilled against your head and went rigid, “And why do you say that?” He asked coldly. 

“Well, you just hardly… see her anymore. I think perhaps she’s a bit bothered by your neglect.”

“Has she told you this?”

“Yes.”

The room was silent and you wanted to sob as you felt his hand slowly leave your hair. You wanted to catch his wrist and bring it back, beg him to never let you go. 

“Well, she always has been a bit of a jealous little thing. She’ll get over it. I’ll be back to check on her tomorrow sometime.” He said dismissively and you felt the bed move and assumed he had climbed off of it. 

You waited until you heard him leave to open your eyes and you let out a long, ragged sigh. You felt the bed dip beside you and Genya was placing her hand against your forehead. She let out a little hum and then shook her head.

“You’re very lucky I managed to clean everything up before he came barging in here.” She said softly and reached down to grab your hand. 

Tears welled up in your eyes and you blinked them away, shrugging. 

“At some point we need to tell him what’s going on, Y/n.” She urged gently and then squeezed your hand as softly as possible. 

You felt a little wave of gratefulness in your chest at Genya’s determined and dedicated presence and you squeezed her hand back, “Eventually.” You murmured and then closed your eyes again, still feeling exhausted. 

“You sound terrible.” She noted and sat up against the headboard, resting her back against it. You very slowly rolled over and laid your head against her thigh and you sighed. 

“You’re my best friend, Genya.” You murmured. 

She let out a little sigh and she laid her hand on top of your head, “You really love him, don’t you?” She asked quietly. 

You didn’t answer her at first. She knew the answer and so did you, but the moment you spoke it aloud, it became real and it became capable of ruining everything. 

“Yes.” You finally answered in a squeak. 

There was a silence that filled the air around the two of you and you felt her lean over the edge of the bed for a moment. When she settled back in her spot, she tapped your head very gently and cleared her throat. 

“I found something. While you were sleeping.” She said almost nervously. 

“What do you mean, ‘something’?” You asked and stared off at the wall ahead of you. 

“I mean about your… condition.” She said quietly and you could hear her flipping through a book above you. 

Finally, she laid the open book down in front of your face and you reached up with a shaking hand to grab it. You sat up slowly with a bit of her help and laid the book in your lap as you peered down at it. The pages were old and weathered but the drawings were clear as can be. Roses were sketched onto the page and you ran your fingers over the paper as you read the text next to it. 

‘In extreme cases of unrequited love, the affected person will become sick with envy and begin to exhibit signs of serious illness…’

You blinked a few times and read through the recorded symptoms. 

Every single one was something you were experiencing.

“No. Absolutely not.” You breathed and looked up at a frowning Genya. 

“The symptoms are all there. This is what’s ailing you.” She said, her eyes growing watery. 

“Genya-“

“I’ll spare you the heavy reading. There is no cure, not unless he confesses his true and honest love for you.” 

You felt dread add itself to your already sore chest and you turned your head to look up at her. 

“Oh.”

She brought her hands up and cupped your cheeks and she shook her head, “I swear, we won’t let you die. We will find a way. Me and Baghra, Saints, I’ll even tell Him-“

“You can’t tell him.” You whispered and looked up at her tearfully, “You have to swear to me that you will not tell him. Genya, I’m begging you. Let him just… let him be happy with his Sun Summoner. He’ll forget about me, he’s already beginning to.” You said and sniffled, reaching up to wipe your eyes. 

Tears were falling down the redhead’s cheeks now and she shook her head, “No, this isn’t how it ends.” She said sternly and wiped her own eyes with the backs of her hands after she lowered them from your face. 

You leaned your head against her shoulder and closed your eyes, “I’m so tired.” You whispered, feeling exhaustion course through your body at a rapid rate. 

“Sleep, sweetheart. Please. I’ll stay here with you until morning.” Genya promised and you nodded. 

She helped you lay back onto the pillow behind you and she tucked the comforter around your shoulders before feeling your forehead once again.

“Thank you for being so good to me.” You whispered and she gave you a heartbreakingly sad smile. 

“What are friends for?”

-

The next morning was excruciating. A terrible coughing fit roused you from your sleep and you’d- yet again- made a bloody, flowery mess all over. This time, you helped Genya clean the mess up despite her protests. Once she’d helped you clean up, she announced that she had a hot bath drawn for you. 

You followed her into your bathroom and pulled your clothes off before you stepped into the hot water and let out a long, relieved sigh as you sunk down into it and sat. 

“I need to go tend to the Queen for a little while. I shouldn’t be too long. Will you be okay if I leave for just a few hours? If you need anything, I’ve already informed Baghra of your condition, you can go find her.” She explained and then gave you a little smile. 

“You’ve been busy this morning.” You commented and she shrugged. 

“Well, I’m just making sure you’ll be alright while we figure this all out.” She said softly and patted your head a few times, “Well, off I go. Please, please be careful. And if you have a coughing fit, do it over the tub. We can drain the water easily.” She said, half joking.  

You bid her farewell and she left your room and you sank deeper into the water, letting it soothe your sore muscles, though it didn’t do much for your stinging throat and aching chest. You brought a hand to your forehead and you felt a wave of melancholia drag you down. 

There was really no way that you were going to get out of this alive. It wasn’t like Aleksander was going to burst in on his knees and confess that he’d loved you the entire time, and you highly doubted that if a Healer couldn’t help you, then you were beyond help. You rubbed your temples very slowly and let out a very long, exasperated sigh, which triggered a few coughs. Little droplets of blood flew forward into the water from your mouth and you winced as a few petals loosed themselves from your throat as well. They floated atop the hot water and you picked one of the soft, pink petals up tentatively. It looked like a rose petal. It was a rose petal. You were grateful that it was only a few soft petals this time rather than the thorns and stems you’d cough up other times. You dropped the petal back in the water and you laid your head back against the edge of the bathtub weakly.

Your chin wobbled slightly and you closed your eyes just as tears started to stream out of them. You soundlessly cried as you sat in the steaming water and you reached up to hold your hands over your face as you cried. Soon enough, your cries were no longer soundless and you sobbed into your hands. Your whole entire body hurt and you were in agony. Emotional and physical agony. You wished for it all to stop and you pulled your hands away from your face and gripped the edges of the tub as you continued to cry with your eyes squeezed shut in pain.

Your mind wandered to Aleksander, something it often did, and you gasped painfully. You could practically feel his fingers running through your hair again, and you pictured what it would have been like if he had gathered you in his slender arms instead of just messing with your hair. The thought brought you a split second of comfort before it brought on waves of pain, crashing against your chest like rogue waves in a tumultuous ocean. 

Oh, you loved him. You couldn’t just stop loving him. Even though you sat and wished so desperately that you could. You gripped the edges of the tub impossibly tight and sputtered out a few heavy coughs that left your chest feeling split open. Your bathwater was tinged pink now and there was an arrangement of fragmented and full rose petals floating around in the water.  

A little tap made you open your eyes and you looked up to see Aleksander standing in the doorway of your bathroom. You made a move to cover yourself but he simply shook his head. 

“I’m not looking, it’s okay.” He stated, staying in the doorway. 

You glanced away from him sadly and you gave him a nod. You heard his boots tap against the marble floor and you heard a bit of rustling before you turned your head towards him again to see that he was now kneeling at the side of your tub. 

“You look terrible. Really, really terrible.” He commented. 

“Thanks. You really know how to make someone feel great, Aleksander.” You snapped and narrowed your eyes at him. 

He let out a sigh and shook his head a few times, “You’re still lovely. You just look miserable. Have you looked in a mirror recently? You look malnourished, you look poorly rested. Your face is sunken, your eyes are lifeless, you look terrible.” He explained and you laid your head down on the edge of the tub. 

“I’ll be fine.” You said nonchalantly. 

“Yeah, you all keep trying to tell me that but I don’t believe it all that much. Look at you. You can’t even move without it looking like it’s causing you pain.” 

“What do you care?” You asked and closed your eyes, biting back a sob. 

“What do I care? What do I care? Are you an imbecile? I care more than you seem to even care to imagine!” He snapped angrily and stood up abruptly. 

“Whatever. I know you’d rather be with your Sun Summoner right now. Please just go.”

“Saints, you’re such a bitter thing! You knew what the Sun Summoner coming here would mean. You know what it does mean. Get over yourself, this is bigger than you and your need for attention!” He exclaimed. 

Though he hadn’t, you felt as if he’d lifted you to your feet and slapped you until you fell. You slowly opened your eyes and looked up at him. Your eyes grew glossy with tears and you bit down on your cheek before you shifted your eyes away from a seething Aleksander.

“Please just go away.” You whimpered and brought your hands up to your face, hiding it from his sight. 

You cried silently for a moment and you rubbed your eyes vigorously before lifting your head out of your hands to tell him once more to leave. 

But he was already gone. 

-

The week leading up to the winter fete was exhausting. 

Not that you had been doing much other than laying around in your room and taking brief walks whenever Genya had a moment to accompany you outside. 

Nothing had improved though. 

You were still weak, still coughing, still in pain. Nothing was better, in fact, it seemed to only worsen by the day. 

The day of the fete was upon you and you had argued with Genya for nearly two hours so that she’d let you go. Finally, she had conceded and told you that you could go as long as you left early and were very, very careful not to cough around anyone. 

“And if you start feeling worse, you’re going right back to bed. Do you understand me?” Genya asked critically as she held a big, white box to her chest. Your dress. She was holding it hostage until you agreed to her terms. 

“Yes, fine, anything! I’ve waited so long to go.” You weren’t sure why you were so excited to go to the fete. You had previously been excited to go because you’d be going with Aleksander, but of course, that wasn’t the case now. You hadn’t seen him in nearly a week. Genya told you he’d been in to check on you while you slept, but you doubted it. You doubted a lot when it came to Aleksander these last seven days. 

Genya set the box down on a small table near the fireplace in your room and she opened it up, humming softly to herself as she did, “Pink? I didn’t pin you as a pink girl.” 

“Well, I am one. And it’s pretty, isn’t it?” You asked and watched as she pulled the gown out from the box. 

It was beautiful. It was a pale shade of blush pink with long sleeves and lots of beautiful embroidery and bead work. The dress earned you an approving sound from Genya and she looked over at you as you sat on the edge of your bed. 

“It is pretty, yes. I’m a bit worried you’ll stain it.” She said and eyed you with a frown, “Are you sure you want to go? You’re still so sick. Worse, even.” She said with a frown as she walked towards you and laid the dress out on the bed at your side. 

“I want to go. We can go together. Besides, I’ve been stuck in here for so long now.” You said, sighing dramatically. Your throat burned with your sigh and Genya watched as you brought your fingers to your throat. 

She quickly grabbed the waste bin next to your bed and held it up to you and you grabbed it. You coughed over it painfully for a few minutes, an array of petals and a few small thorns freeing themselves from your inflicted lungs. Genya held her hand against your back comfortingly and waited for you to spit the last of the sticky blood out and then she gently took the waste bin from your hands. She passed you a glass of water from your bedside table and you sipped it, even though it felt like you were swallowing broken glass. 

“Y/n, you look awful.” Genya said sadly and pushed some of your limp hair away from your face. 

You knew she was right. Your entire face had sunken in and you were aware of the dark circles under your eyes. Any luster your hair or skin once had was now gone and you looked dull and lifeless. You looked almost like a walking corpse. Your nails were thin and brittle and your lips were chapped and had traces of dried blood on them. You did look awful. 

Realistically, you could use your abilities and make yourself look better, but you had absolutely no energy to do so. You were lucky if you had the energy to get up and take a walk with Genya. You sighed quietly and wiped your lips with the back of your hand and shrugged once. You shakily passed the glass of water back to Genya and you rubbed your eyes. 

“Will you help me get ready? Nothing fancy, I just don’t wanna look so unhealthy.” You asked quietly and she nodded a couple of times.

She leaned down and pressed a kiss to your forehead and then offered her hands down towards you. You accepted them gratefully and pulled yourself to your feet with her help and she passed you your dress. 

“Go change, I’ll help you button up.” She prompted and you took the dress from her and wandered off towards the dressing screen in the corner of your room. 

You slid behind it and undressed yourself with weak, shaking hands, and you pushed your nightdress off of your body. You tossed it aside and then took on the next task of stepping into the soft pink gown. You climbed into the dress clumsily and once you’d pulled the sleeves on and gotten it situated on your body, you wandered out from behind the screen. Genya awaited you by your bed and you made your way over to her and turned around so that the undone back of your dress faced her. 

“You need to promise me one more thing.” Genya said quietly as she began to button up your dress nimbly. 

“What is it?” You asked, looking back over your shoulder at the redheaded girl. 

“Avoid the Darkling at all costs tonight please. Your condition worsens after he’s around, I’ve seen it. Please just, don’t seek him out, stay away from him. Have fun, mingle, have a drink, but leave him alone. For your sake, please.” She begged softly and then finished buttoning your dress. 

You nodded compliantly and you ran your hands down the front of your dress, smoothing it all down before turning around to face her. You smiled up at her and she pointed at a chair in the middle of the room. 

“Sit. I’ll fix up your hair and make you look a little less tired.” She said softly and you walked towards the chair. You sat down in it and you closed your eyes, a prickling becoming bothersome at the back of your throat. You swallowed it down and winced at the sharp pain sliding back down your throat. 

You just had to get through tonight. 

Genya stood behind you and she worked at your hair for a while until it was in simple waves. She then walked around to face you and she determinedly waved her hand over your face a few times slowly. After nearly fifteen minutes of this, she pulled away from you and handed you a hand mirror. 

“I did all that I could. How do you feel about it?” She asked. 

You glanced at yourself in the mirror and hummed. Though you still looked frail, you didn’t look nearly even half as bad as you had beforehand. You looked as if perhaps you hadn't slept in a few days but otherwise you seemed healthy. You looked up at her with a smile and you nodded, passing the mirror back to her. 

“Thank you. Truly, thank you.” You said softly and she gave you a sweet smile in return and kissed the top of your head. 

“I have to help the Queen get ready. Will you wait for me? I’ll come back and accompany you to the party.”

You looked over at her and gave her a little nod and stood up from the chair you sat in. You gave your friend a little hug and she hugged you back delicately, as if she was afraid you’d break. 

“Thank you. Really, Genya. For everything.”

“Don’t start talking like that. It almost sounds like goodbye and I won’t have it. I’ll see you in an hour or two.” She stated and then marched out of your room. 

Goodbye. You scoffed. You didn’t even want to think about goodbye yet. 

But of course now you were faced with the reality of it all. There was no obtainable cure to your ailment. The thought of it spread dread through your body like you’d never felt before and you felt even sicker than you ever had prior to today. 

A particular wave of nausea had you sprinting to the waste bin by your bed and you dropped to your knees and retched into it, your throat getting sliced up with an especially sharp slew of blood and thorns and a few battered petals. The door behind you opened and you heard a gasp from the doorway and wiped your face with the back of your hand before you turned around. 

Still on your knees, you looked up to see Aleksander’s personal favorite Healer, Emilia, standing in the doorway. The two of you stared at each other for a moment before she walked towards you and gently helped you to your feet. She looked over your shoulder into the wastebasket and then she looked up at your face, her mouth making a little ‘o’. She glanced back in the bin and then she shook her head. 

“Are those…?”

“Yes. They’re petals. Why are you here?” You asked and slowly sat down on the edge of your bed. 

“The Darkling sent me to check on you.” She whispered and then she placed her hand on your head, feeling your temperature. 

“Genya is doing a fine job on her own, thank you, Emilia.” You wheezed and then leaned your head into your hands. 

She stayed put for a moment and looked back and forth between you and your bloody, flowery vomit and then she gave you a tedious nod, “Yes, okay. I’m sorry to have intruded.“ she said quietly and you gave her only a small hum in response before she scuttled out of the room, retreating as if you were some feral dog, before you could even think to stop her. You would have certainly been wise to. 

You glanced at the door and felt a cold, sick dread fill your stomach. She was going to tell Aleksander. 

-

 You sat, slumped, in the chair by your fireplace and you closed your eyes, letting out labored breaths. Your chest had become impossibly tight and you sat in fear that Aleksander would burst in and berate you at any moment now. 

Your eyes filled with tears at the thought of just Aleksander and you wrapped your arms around yourself. It wasn’t like you couldn’t miss him. He was, at the end of the day, your best friend. Or at least, he had been. You didn’t really know where you stood with him now. 

Panic gripped your lungs when you heard hurried footsteps down the hallway and when the door swung open you winced. No yelling ensued and you turned around to see Genya standing in the doorway, gazing over at you with a little frown. 

“Are you sure you’re up to this?” She asked softly as she strode towards you. 

You simply gave her a little nod and you rose to your feet off of the chair and grabbed onto the hand she was now extending for you. She helped you steady yourself and she frowned once, pulling you into a gentle side hug. 

“Okay. The party has already started, I hope you don’t mind. There was a… choreographed display. Of shadow and light.” She explained slowly and then glanced down at you. You knew who she was talking about. Aleksander and Alina.

She gave you a sympathetic smile and you realized your face must have fallen, “I just figured you didn’t want to have to watch them.”

“No, I appreciate it. Thank you, Genya.” You said quietly and then nodded towards the door, “Let’s go. I don’t want to be out long tonight, I don’t think.” You murmured, a frown ever present on your face. 

She nodded just once and whisked you out of your room. The walk from the Little Palace to the Grand Palace was made in comfortable silence and you leaned your head against Genya’s shoulder. She wrapped her arm around your shoulders and gently patted your arm, and you let out a small sigh. As soon as the two of you walked inside of the Grand Palace, you instantly regretted coming to the fete. 

People were crowded around the hallway and spilled out from the room of the event, leaving you hardly any space to breathe. You wrapped both of your arms around Genya’s and you nearly buckled under the wave of nausea that crashed over you. 

Genya slowly pulled away from your side and she grabbed your hand and nodded towards the grand hall, “I’m going to go get a drink. Would you like one?” You nodded idly and she gave your hand a little squeeze, “Okay. Stay here. Don’t get around too many people.” She advised and you nodded again. 

She scurried off hurriedly down the hall and you looked down at your dress. You ran your fingers down the embroidered bodice and you let out a little sigh. You sorely regretted not staying in bed and you looked around at the other partygoers. Some were drunk, others were just boisterous. Most hid their sordidness underneath fine clothes and expensive perfumes. You looked down at your feet and felt guilty for making Genya drag you to the party and you turned to go find her. 

“Y/n!” 

You turned around to see Alina bustling towards you with two guards in tow behind her. You had to blink back the urge to cry when you saw her. She wore a black kefta with yellow and gold embroidery and her hair was done up beautifully. The nausea hit you harder and you held your hand over your stomach instinctively, giving her a terse smile. 

“Hello.” You breathed and leaned back up against the wall behind you. 

“You look beautiful.” She commented sweetly, “Feeling better?” She asked and you gave her a bleary nod. 

“Mhm, so much better.” You mumbled and sucked in a deep breath through your nose. A sharp feeling began to climb the back of your throat and you began to panic. 

“I’m glad to hear, you look so pretty. I’ve missed you readying me.” She admitted and then chuckled nervously. 

One of the guards leaned forward and mumbled something in her ear and she frowned, but nodded. 

“I have to get going. But please, come see me tomorrow.” She pleaded and you gave her a simple nod, your throat and chest beginning to ache and burn all the same. 

The guards urged her forward and everything began to sound as if you were underwater. You stared off absentmindedly after Alina and frowned deeply. Aleksander strode down the hall towards her and his eyes fell upon you. His stern expression seemed to falter a bit when he looked at you and you glanced down at the bundle of flowers he had in his hands. Your eyes filled with tears involuntarily and you watched as he stopped the guards that stood with Alina and he passed her the flowers before he locked eyes with you again. 

Your face burned with shame and sadness and your vision began to blur and shift and you pushed away from the wall dizzily, ignoring the muffled shouts of your name coming from his mouth. You shoved past a few people and gathered the skirts of your dress up in one hand and you rushed down the hallway. You stopped briefly a few times to steady yourself against the wall and you felt a sickening pressure at the back of your throat. You just had to make it back to your room. 

You carried on almost deliriously and you made your way into the nearly totally empty Little Palace. You bustled up the stairs with your hand over your mouth when a sharp cough ripped its way up your throat and you heaved forward, falling to your knees on the stairs as you coughed violently. Tears burned in your eyes and fell down your cheeks helplessly as you spewed the hot, metallic mixture of your blood and bile over your gloved hand. You crawled up the stairs weakly and you pushed yourself to your feet, leaving a bloody smear on the marble floor. You stumbled hurriedly down the hall to your room and you threw your door open as soon as you could. You fell to your knees again and let out a long, sad wail before you were coughing out thorns and petals all over the pristine skirt of your dress. 

The flowery vomit looked even worse tonight, and the blood mixed in with it was darker and there was much more of it. You coughed and heaved and choked on whatever was in your throat until an entire rose bloom came hurtling out of your mouth. You stared down at it shakily and reached out to touch it before you coughed again, much harder this time. Blood flew from your open mouth all over your carpet and your dress and your chin and you cried loudly, lowering yourself to the floor weakly. You reached up shakily to wipe your eyes with the back of your hand and you looked around at the bloody mess you had made and you whimpered. 

You thought about Aleksander again as you coughed more, your chest feeling as if it was going to collapse at any moment. You missed him.  You desperately wished it was you that he gave his affections to. You loved him. It became impossibly hard to breathe and you could see black spots dancing in your vision and you could swear you heard him calling out for you; Something so bittersweet that brought you so much comfort as you laid in a mess of your own blood and shredded flower petals. Your heart pounded against your chest and you could feel cold exhaustion climbing up around your mind. You could still hear his voice, closer now. You weren’t sure if you were ready to die, but at least you could try and make peace with it. You drew in a labored breath and then found yourself gasping in fear as you felt two hands grip your arms. 

You were yanked up against somebody and you slowly looked upwards to see Aleksander kneeling over you, holding you against his chest. 

“Say something, dammit!” He ordered, but his voice sounded far away. 

You tried to speak his name but your chest seemed to collapse in on itself and you turned your head to cough away from him, not wanting to get any blood on him. As soon as you finished coughing, he gripped your chin and turned your head towards his and he stared down at you wildly. 

“Y/n, I really, really need you to say something.” He pleaded and you weren’t sure if you were imagining the glint of unshed tears in his eyes or not. 

You let out another wail and you tried to push away from him, but his arms were like steel around you and you were too weak to even attempt to get away from him, so you resigned to crying in his arms. 

“Aleksander.” You wheezed and weakly grabbed onto the lapel of his kefta. 

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell me it was this bad?” He demanded and cradled you gently against his chest. 

“You don’t care!” You cried, finding your very, very weak voice suddenly. 

“I do care!” 

“You don’t! You just care about Alina, you want Alina, you need Alina, you’re in love with Alina. You don’t care, and I don’t expect you to. Why should you? It’s my own miserable fault for falling in love with you.” You sobbed and felt as if you were going to vomit again. 

Aleksander didn’t say a single word. Instead, he leaned down until his forehead was touching yours and he nudged his nose against yours just slightly. You fought to get away from him, but he didn’t allow you to move. He shushed you softly as you cried and attempted to get as far away from him as possible and you sobbed, grabbing at his wrists.

“Stop! Please just leave me alone! I can’t take this.” You cried and hit his chest, but he still didn’t move. 

Tears rolled down your cheeks and you sniffled and eventually stopped trying to get away from him. He seemed to want to make it hard for you until your bitter end. One of his hands was gently moving through your hair as it had many nights ago and you whimpered, a sound that broke his heart. 

“I care. More than you know, little love.” He murmured and kept his forehead pressed against yours, “You think I don’t care? How could I not? You are so special to me.”

You cried and subconsciously leaned into his touch as he ran his fingers through your hair. 

“Please stop.” You begged. You wanted to cover your ears. 

“Stop what? Do you not want to hear how I care? How I feel ashamed of myself for making you feel as if I don’t? Do you not want to hear about how in love with you I am?” He asked in a whisper and you froze. His hand continued to sweep through your hair and you let out a loud cry and struggled against his arms as he lifted his forehead away from yours. 

“You’re lying.” You sobbed and brought your hands up to your face as you cried into them. 

“I’d never lie to you about something like this.” He insisted softly. 

“You are lying.” 

“How can you accuse me of that?” He asked, his tone incredulous. 

“Because I’m dying! I’m dying and you know it’s what I want to hear!” You argued, but you let your head fall against his chest nonetheless. 

“I don’t lie. I’ve never lied to you. Saints, you’re inconsolable. I have my own reasons for getting close to Alina, but none of them are even close to being because I’m in love with her. No, my love is saved for you and you alone.” He murmured, “I have loved you for years. Ages. For so long, hoping and praying that perhaps you’d see me in the same light one day. I never wished for it to be like this.” He finished, voice breaking just slightly at the end. 

You felt the tightness in your chest ease up just a little bit and you pulled your head away from his chest so that you could look up at him, only to find him already gazing down at you. You studied his face for any sign that he might be lying to you and when you found none you leaned your head against the side of his arm. You weakly nuzzled your cheek against it and you could hear him let out a long sigh. 

“Are you going to tell me what is wrong with you? Or are you just going to leave that to my Healer relaying information to me?” He asked and you shrugged once, more pressure leaving your chest. 

You let out a pathetic sounding sigh and you clung to him as if someone was going to take him from you and you quietly began to explain your condition to him, leaving little to nothing out. When you finished, the silence around the two of you was painful and you looked up at his face. He seemed angry and he seemed as if he was going to cry, but he looked down and met your eyes, and everything on his face melted into sadness. 

“I did this to you?” He asked quietly and you shook your head. 

“You couldn’t possibly have known. I mean, I didn’t. None of us did until Genya found it in a book.” You murmured and he gathered you entirely against his chest. 

“I’m so, so sorry.” He breathed, his voice practically trembling. 

“No, please. Don’t be sorry. It’s okay, everything is okay now.” You said hoarsely and he shook his head once but didn’t argue further. 

He stayed quiet for a moment before he sniffled and then slowly rose to his feet, pulling you with him, “Let’s get you cleaned up, yeah? And then you can lay in my room.” He suggested quietly. 

“Okay.” You whispered, leaning against him entirely.

-

You sat in Aleksander’s bed an hour or two later, wrapped in a few thick blankets. You watched him scurry around his room as he tried to ready himself for bed and you smiled affectionately. After a moment he turned to you and let out a small sigh.

“What are you smiling at? You should be sleeping.” 

“Can’t. Not without you.” You murmured and he blew out a few candles in the room before he came and crawled into bed next to you, his arms snaking around your waist. He tugged you against his chest protectively and he let out a long sigh. 

Your damp hair was splayed out over the pillow behind your head and you pushed it away from him, clearing a little space for his head on your pillow. He took the hint and scooted his face closer to yours and he nudged his nose against yours a few times. 

“You looked so beautiful tonight. In the hallway. In your pretty dress. I think pink might be your color now.” He said sweetly and you shook your head, leaning in to peck his lips a few times. 

He took the opportunity to capture your lips in a deep, long kiss and finally when the two of you were properly breathless, you pulled away and shook your head. 

“Forget pink. Black looks nicer on me, anyway .”

[dindjarinbae]

Grieving for the Living (Aleksander Morozova x fem!reader) Part 5

The entirety of a capricious and treacherous marriage between the Darkling and the Lantsov princess.

read previous parts here!! part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4

-

hi just popping in to say i love u guys always and longer. thank u for 400 followers, i could just kiss all of you!

word count: 8.5k

warnings: everything is cannon typical. unhealthy relationship dynamics are ahead, too.

taglist: @il0vebeingdelulu @mellowarcadefun @budugu @eir964 @arwensloanebarnes @marytvirgin @chaoticcoffeequeen @claire-loves-music

-

“I had a dress made for you.”

This was the first time your mother had directly spoken to you since you left Os Alta. She stood in the doorway of your room holding a large white box and she smiled at you. 

It wasn’t a pleasant smile by any means. It was one of ambivalence and nervousness. You had half a mind to hiss at her like a cat to see her go running down the hall, but you didn’t.

Instead, you mirrored her smile and you set your book down upon your lap. You sat in the far corner of your room on an overly cushioned chair, legs crossed stiffly in front of you. 

“I didn’t expect that. I just planned on wearing one of my old ones to the party.” You hummed and folded your arms over your chest. 

Your mother, as vain as ever, had insisted on an engagement party for Nikolai and Alina, even whilst you were in hiding. You thought it to be in poor taste that a social outing was all she could think of in a time like this, but you truthfully didn’t expect much else of her, either. 

“Yes, well, we have to look our best, don’t we? It’s really a lovely dress. It’s lilac, with lots of pearls. You love pearls.” Your mother said with a proud smile. 

You eyed her and sent her back a half smile of your own. In the months she’d spent without Genya Safin tailoring her, it seemed she had aged years and years. Her skin was thin and wrinkled like old parchment and there were little spots on the backs of her hands. Her eyes seemed to have sunken in a bit, as well, and her hair was greying rapidly, losing the blonde that Genya had so often given her. 

“You’re right. I do love pearls.” You replied emptily and slowly rose from the chair. 

You strode towards your mother and you noticed that when you were within a few feet of her, she took a couple steps back as if you were going to attack her. You fought the urge to roll your eyes. 

You reached out and lifted the lid from the box on your bed and you dropped it aside so that you could pull out the dress. It was a big, heavy piece of clothing, and just when you thought you’d gotten it all out of the box, it kept coming. Finally once you’d pulled the entire gown out of the box, you pushed the box aside and it clattered on your floor. You laid the dress out on your bed and examined it. 

It really was a lovely dress. It was nearly as big as your wedding gown, which had been ridiculously large. The skirt was a lovely shade of lilac with swirls and designs embroidered into the shimmering fabric, embellished with little pearls. The bodice must have been what weighed the dress down so drastically, because it was an intricate piece of work. Pearls and other beads were sewn into the fabric so densely that you could hardly see the purple fabric underneath it, and the sleeves were two dainty little cuffs that would surely rest just off of your shoulders. 

You turned to look at your mother and you blinked a few times. 

“You had this made for me?” You asked incredulously, gaping over at her, “I’m shocked you would give me the time of day.”

Your mother looked a bit guilty and then she shrugged, “Well, it was not my idea, to be honest. It was Nikolai’s. But I was the one that told them which color to use. And to use pearls! Because you love them.”

You gave her a weak smile and then you turned towards her completely. Perhaps this was an olive branch. The beginnings of a bridge that would bring you back into your family’s good graces. 

“Thank you, Mother. Why don’t we go have some tea? Or take a small walk? We still have almost an hour before we have to get ready for the party, and I-“

Your mother’s face became pinched, as if she’d eaten a sour fruit and she held her hand up to silence you. 

“I’m afraid I must decline, and it’s for the best. I’m sure I’ll see you at the party and have my fill of you for the day there.” She said primly and then nodded to the dress, “Anyway, thank Nikolai for that.” She said airily before she gave you a nod and quickly scurried out of your bedroom. 

You pursed your lips at the interaction and you moved to close the door behind her. Once it was closed, you turned back to look at the dress on your bed. You stared down at it with an apoplectic sneer and you let out a little scoff. 

You had half a mind to wear one of your black dresses, just to see what she’d do about it. She’d probably faint and claim that your mind had been completely possessed by the Darkling. You snorted humorlessly and then shook the idea from your head- no matter how appealing. 

A knock sounded at your door and you almost groaned, the desire to be alone consuming you rapidly. You shuffled over to the door listlessly and opened it up to see Nikolai standing in your doorway with a big grin on his lips. He shouldered past you and walked into your bedroom and he let out a low whistle. 

“I see Mother has brought your dress to you. Isn’t it nice?” He asked and looked down at it, examining the gown with an approving nod. 

“It’s pretty. I didn’t expect it.” You answered and watched your brother while he studied the dress. 

“Well, I had her have her seamstress throw something nice together for you. Honestly, with any luck, you’ll completely upstage her. I’d like to see that.” He said and turned towards you, the same grin still on his lips. 

You stared back at him and then shrugged, “She might behead me if I did that.” 

Nikolai waved his hand dismissively and then he clicked his tongue. 

“Try as she might, I do believe you’ve always upstaged her. Even when you were much younger.” He replied and sat down on the edge of your bed. 

“Don’t tell her that.” You mumbled and sat down on the edge of the bed right next to Nikolai. 

Nikolai reached over and gently patted your shoulder and he let out a long sigh. 

“Listen, I know you’ve not been very happy these last few weeks. I won’t pretend to know exactly why but I have theorized a bit,” he began and then he folded his hands in his lap, “I worry about you often. I know things have been difficult for you, but I’m here for you. And you know, if there’s anything I can do for you, I’m always willing to do it. You’re my little sister, you’ve been my best friend since you could walk. I’ll protect you at any cost.” Nikolai finished and then he turned to look at you with a small smile. 

You looked up at him and you let out a little sigh, giving him a slight nod.

“Yeah. I know. And I appreciate it. I appreciate you. Everything is just so… loud, right now. Can’t have a moment of peace, not even when it’s silent.” You murmured, sounding distant in your own ears. 

“Peace isn’t really obtainable. At least, in my experience. But finding comfort in the midst of unrest may be the closest thing to it.” 

You wondered what your brother meant by that. Nikolai spoke two languages; one being charming sarcasm, and the other being riddles. It was always one or the other. This seemed to be another one of his metaphor ridden riddles. 

“Nothing in life is really easy. Happiness doesn’t come easily and neither does comfort. You’re going to lose things, you’re going to get hurt, you’re going to have to make hard decisions and even harder sacrifices, but no matter how hard it gets, you must keep writing your story. You might be miserable doing it and you might feel like you’re fighting a losing war, but whatever. Life goes on.” He finished and then he gave you another smile. A soft, genuine smile. 

You returned his smile, even if you didn’t really mean it. 

“Life goes on.” You repeated and he beamed, patting your knee a couple of times. 

“Indeed it does, little sister.” He said and rose from the edge of your bed. 

“Why won’t you start getting ready for the party?” He suggested and then strode towards your door. He stopped in the doorway though and looked over his shoulder at you. 

“I mean it, y/n. Life goes on.” 

As he left your room, you felt a frown cover your face. 

You weren’t so sure he was right. 

-

When you strode into the party, you were already nearly an hour late. Your dress was heavy and it took you and one of your mother’s servants nearly twenty minutes to get it on. Every moment you were late after that was your own fault. You didn’t relish the idea of a party and you didn’t want to be seen by people.

But of course, eyes would wander and they did. 

When you walked into the large room, chatter seemed to quiet. Not entirely, but enough to make an indication that something was happening, causing heads to turn towards you. 

You squared your shoulders and walked straight into the crowded room, not sparing any of the staring guests a second- or first- glance. You wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of your curiosity. 

The very small train of your gown dragged rhythmically behind you as you walked through the crowd and shoulders past a few bystanders who didn’t have the mind to move out of the way for you. You set your sights on Nikolai who stood with Vasily and your mother and you walked towards them. You pressed your lips together and did your best to make your expression as stoic and impassive as possible. 

Nikolai was the first to look up at you, and a warm smile covered his face. Vasily looked up at you next and then finally, so did your mother. She regarded you the same way you would regard a particularly sour piece of fruit- with a pinched expression and a particular distaste. 

As you approached them, your eyes traveled over your mother. She looked… aged. Life without a Tailor hadn’t been treating her well. You’d remembered her being so beautiful when you were a child. None of that beauty remained. You wondered if it was simply age that had made her seem so displeasing to look at or if it was the way she had been acting towards you. Whatever it was, it hardly bothered you. 

“There she is! I was wondering when you’d come down!” Nikolai beamed and he plucked a glass of champagne off of a tray carried by a passing waiter and he passed the dainty cup to you. 

You took the glass from his hands gratefully and you took a small sip before you cleared your throat and glanced at your mother through your periphery. She was still staring you down. 

“I was under the impression this was to be a small affair.” You remarked airily. 

Nikolai seemed to think the same thing as you because he nodded and looked around the room with a small bit of disdain on his face. 

“Yes, my thoughts exactly. How many guests did you invite?” He asked, his fingers tapping at his palms. 

Your mother gave a passive, smug smile and she shrugged, “Vasily got a little overzealous with the invites,” she started and then glanced at your eldest brother, “Now, I don’t entirely agree with your Caryeva set, but I admit, that sort lends a certain air of festivity.” She praised idly, giving Vasily an approving smile. 

You scoffed, and you swore you heard Nikolai do the same, but much quieter.  

There was a moment of silence amongst the four of you, and you looked around at each member of your family. Your mother looked at ease, Vasily seemed a bit drunk, and Nikolai’s brow creased with worry. You frowned. 

“Nik, what’s the matter?” you asked, taking a step closer to him. 

“He’s revealed our location to the gamblers and freeloaders he calls friends.” He snapped and then looked at Vasily with an incredulous annoyance.

Vasily looked at Nikolai through his drunkenly heavy eyes and he sneered a bit. 

“That’s rich coming from a pirate.” He remarked, his words slurring ever so slightly, “you make yourself ridicul-“

“The Darkling lives!” Nikolai shot back, cutting Vasily off.  

Your mother placed a dramatic hand over her chest and then she eyed you suspiciously. You rolled your eyes. 

“We are at great risk if our location is compromised! You’d sacrifice us all for your pride and stupidity.” Nikolai continued, his eyes meeting yours. 

“You overreach, you little bastard.” Vasily slurred back, and he clapped a clumsy hand on Nikolai’s shoulder before he turned to face the majority of the crowd, “A toast!” He announced, cockily, before marching off to the front of the room. 

Your mother placed her hand on Nikolai’s arm and gave him a small, apologetic smile before she caught your eye. When your gaze met hers, her smile melted away and all that was left on her face was a resonant disgust. 

You brushed off her glare. You were done feeling sorry for yourself over things you couldn’t possibly control, your mother’s disdain being one of those things. What were you trying to prove anymore? And to whom were you trying to prove anything to? If your mother wanted to scorn you, then you could scorn her right back. You smoothed down your dress and gave her a saccharine smile. 

“Mother, isn’t it too bad that Genya Safin isn’t here? You are in dire need of refreshment.” You cooed. Her brows furrowed together, but you would never know what she would have said, because Vasily boisterously began his toast. 

“I’d like to share some words about my brother,” he began and motioned towards the three of you, “Nikolai!” He crooned and then took a sip of his wine, “Yes, yes, we all know he’s pretentious… condescending… a man of the people. But!” Vasily remarked and you glanced at Nikolai who rolled his eyes warily. 

He glanced at the table of drinks in the corner and then back at you, giving you a small nod towards the table, mouthing ‘let’s go’. You took a few steps towards him while Vasily droned on. 

“He has some hidden qualities, too. His intended should-“

Just as you took your final step towards Nikolai, the sound of shattering glass turned your attention up to the ceiling. The entire domed skylight had collapsed, and thick, smoky tendrils of shadow invaded the room at a rapid pace. As soon as they crashed into the ground, they shifted into humanoid forms. They had no eyes, but mouths with rows of serrated, crooked teeth, and they rushed forth and began to attack everyone in their path. 

Glass fell from the crumbling remains of the skylight above your head and bits of it rained down into your hair. You shook your head rapidly and looked at Nikolai, bewildered. Nikolai looked back at you and he grabbed your arm and pulled you behind him, along with your mother. Gunfire and screams were the only things you could hear besides the occasional snarl from the shadow creatures. Guards were attempting to shoot at the creatures, but the bullets went right through them. The creatures knocked over tables and sent partygoers flying through the air as they moved around the room. Across the room, you saw Vasily dive behind an overturned table and you grasped onto Nikolai’s shoulder. 

“What is this?” You asked, in a panic. You feared you already knew the answer. 

“They must be the nichevo'ya David spoke of. Which means the Darkling must be close by.” Nikolai said sharply, keeping his hand on your arm protectively. You felt faint and you grasped his shoulder tightly to keep from stumbling. 

“Nikolai-“

“We have to get out of here. Most importantly- we have to get you and Alina out of here.” He stated and you looked to the opposite side of the room. Alina and a few of her Grisha all stood behind a table that rested on its side, and all of them were doing what they could to fend off the nichevo'ya. 

Gunfire still rang out around you and Nikolai spun around to look at you, his face pale. 

“Run. Go. Right now. Get out of here. Grab a horse if you must but get out of here. I will find you, I swear it, but get out now. Before the Darkling comes.” Nikolai ordered and you gave him a clumsy nod before you grabbed the skirts of your gown and darted out from behind your brother. You ran along the wall, away from the creatures and the crowd and you had nearly made it to the door when a nichevo'ya materialized in front of you. 

Your eyes widened and before you could scream, the creature lunged at you. You held your arms up defensively and waited for a blow that never came. You wondered if you had died for a split second, but you still heard screams around you. You slowly lowered your arms to see the creature standing in front of you, unmoving. If it had eyes, they would have been fixed on you as you stood before it. You took one step away from it, to gauge whether or not it would stop you, and when it didn’t, you turned on your heel and ran straight out into the hall. You dashed down corridors and around corners before you came to the front doors. You pushed them open ferociously and you barreled out the door, only to come to a skidding halt. 

The grounds were surrounded by Grisha in their brightly colored keftas. You looked at them cautiously, only to realize that you didn’t recognize a single one of them. 

Confused, you watched them all take slow steps closer and closer. They all looked fierce and determined as they moved in on the building you stood in front of, and it took you longer than you cared to admit to realize that these were Aleksander’s Grisha. 

Before you could even turn to run back inside, they parted down the middle and through the crowd strode the man who had played on your mind every single day for the past months on end. 

You stood, frozen in place. You wanted to run, but where could you run to? If you ran inside, you risked death by nichevo'ya, but if you ran anywhere out here, one of the surrounding Grisha would easily stop you. You were trapped. 

He walked towards you with determination and as he got closer you could make out his facial features. His hair was the same; dark and gracefully pushed away from his face. His eyes were the same, too, so dark that they could pass for brown. But there was something different about his face now. On the flawless pale skin of his lovely face sat three, thin, ink black scars that ran down his face at an angle. 

From the volcra, you realized, and took a step back as he approached you. 

You tried to stand tall and strong against him, but the second he came within three feet of you, you scurried backwards and held your hand out to stop him. 

“Don’t come any closer.” You forced out, not pleased with how shaky your voice had become. 

He didn’t listen. 

He stepped closer and grabbed your wrist, moving your hand back down to your side. A beautiful, longing smile grew upon his face, as if he had just returned home from the longest of wars and he dropped your wrist, instead taking your chin in his hand. 

“My beautiful wife.” He breathed, staring down at you. You pulled away from him and you shook your head. 

“No. I am no longer your wife.” You spat, backing up against the closed doors behind you. 

For every step you took away from Aleksander, he took one towards you, until you were trapped between him and the door. 

“How curious, then, that you still wear your ring.” He murmured and looked down at your hand. 

You swallowed hard and looked up at him, fear seizing you with a thousand hands. 

“Don’t look at me like that. I am not here to hurt you, my love. I’m here to collect what’s been taken from me.” He cooed and reached out to brush his fingertips across your jaw. 

His touch was so gentle; so loving, and you nearly found yourself instinctively leaning into it. It took all of your willpower to keep your head straight. 

“And what might that be?” You demanded, clasping your hands behind your back. 

He gave you another smile, but this smile was akin to one that you’d give a child after they said something completely outlandish and silly. 

“You, of course. And the Sun Summoner.” He answered, moving his hand away from your face, reluctantly. 

You snorted and stared up into his eyes challengingly, “I’m not an object to be collected.” You retorted and grasped the door handles behind your back. Perhaps if you could get back inside, you could find another way out. Another way away from him. 

As if he expected this from you, he reached out and grabbed onto your wrists and pulled them in front of you, holding them in a tight grip.

“No, of course not. But I have so missed you, and despite what you may say, I think you’ve missed me as well, little Princess.” He murmured and then leaned down to kiss your forehead, keeping your wrists in his grip. 

“I will not go. I will never follow you again.” You stated, shaking your head a few times.

His hands were freezing cold against your skin and the even colder metal of his own wedding ring made you want to shiver. 

“I was afraid you’d say something like that.” He sighed, shaking his head as if he were dealing with a petulant child. 

He turned around and nodded to one of the Grisha behind him, and a man quickly made his way up to the two of you. He wore a bright red kefta and a stony expression. Aleksander looked at you with regret in his dark eyes and then he shook his head once. 

“Let me go, at once.” You whispered and tried to pull away from him. 

“You can come with me willingly or my Heartrender can put you to sleep and make you come with me. I would prefer willingly, my love.” He said softly, brushing his thumbs back and forth across your wrists as he held them. 

You shook your head. 

“I already told you I won’t be coming with you.” You said sternly, staring back into his eyes challengingly. 

He let out a sigh and leaned forward to kiss your cheek once before he dropped your wrists and nodded at his Heartrender. 

“Then I suppose you’ll make me do this the hard way. I’ll see you when you wake, my dear.” He said, as if it pained him so. 

You moved to grab the door again, but before you could, the Heartrender at your husband’s side raised his hands and suddenly you could only see black. 

-

You weren’t sure how much time had passed. You had been slipping in and out of consciousness, though. Unless you had been dreaming. Sometimes you’d see people over you, other times you’d hear muffled conversations, but nothing was clear. 

When you were finally awoken, it was slow. You felt your body waking up first, and your muscles felt stiff and unused. You became vaguely aware of the feeling of fingertips, brushing comfortingly across your face, over your cheekbones, across your jaw, along the bridge of your nose. The action was calming, and you felt blissful, as if you were waking from a peaceful nap.

Only when you opened your eyes, did reality strike you, hard and fast. There was hardly any light in the room you were in. It was dark and it was a bit cold, but you noticed there was a blanket covering you to your shoulders. You laid upon a bed that felt like it had hardly been slept in, and you flickered your gaze over to the side. There Aleksander sat, on the edge of the bed. His calloused fingers were still moving affectionately over your face and a small smile formed on his scarred face. You stared up at him, unable to find words to express your newfound disgust. 

“There she is. There’s my lovely girl.” He purred and he brushed his thumb across your bottom lip before pulling his hand away from your face with a reluctance that you had never seen him use, “I’ve so missed your voice, little love.”

You stared up at him, silent. There was the faint sound of conversation out in the hallway and there were hurried footsteps, and it was the only noise that floated around the two of you for a long time. Your eyes traveled his face. His once perfect skin was now marred with three, black scars. If it wasn’t for the skin that was raised around them, you would’ve thought them to be drawn on. His hair was swept back as always, and he, of course, was dressed in all black. You examined his scars once more and told yourself you were glad he had to suffer, but you were ashamed to feel little aches of sympathy in your chest at the sight of where he had been wounded. 

“Feeling shy, I see.” He commented and then reached down to brush a bit of hair away from your forehead. 

“Not shy,” You found your voice, staring up at him, “I have nothing to say to you.” 

He clicked his tongue with a sharp tsk, “I saved you from certain death and persecution and you’re angry with me? Oh, my love, see sense.” He breathed. 

You slowly sat up, your joints popping and cracking as if you hadn’t moved in years. As much as you hated it, he was still absolutely breathtaking. You’d secretly hoped that the volcra would’ve mauled him beyond repair, but you had no such luck. He still stared at you with those beautiful, dark eyes, and you shifted uncomfortably. 

“I do see sense, and that’s why I have nothing to say to you.” You whispered, shaking your head. 

“Perhaps you’re just a bit embarrassed.”

You scoffed. 

“Embarrassed by what, Aleksander?” 

He smiled. He seemed to relish his name leaving your mouth and you made a mental note not to use it further to deprive him of such satisfaction. 

“Embarrassed that I was right and you were wrong. What did I tell you, little love? I warned you that you would return home to hatred. Did I not?” He asked and gazed over at you, his hands resting on his thighs. 

You looked down at his hands. There was a large, black crater of a scar on the back of his hand and you wondered what had happened there. The veins around this scar were all black, looking poisonous under the skin. You fought back a chill. 

You never answered him, but he let out a soft sigh and he reached out to gently take your chin in his hand. You pulled away and turned your head away from him entirely. 

“Poor girl. You’ve finally had your first taste of persecution. Tell me, how does it feel?” He asked and reached out to grab your chin again. He turned your head towards him carefully and he stared into your eyes, “How lonely has it been? To lose everyone you thought loved you because of their fear? Their judgment?“ he asked. 

You dared to look him in the eyes finally and you wished you hadn’t. Despite his words, his eyes were uncharacteristically soft. He looked at you as if you were something he cherished, something he loved endlessly. You wondered if he was capable of faking that. There was a desperate trace of longing in his gaze and you watched his lips twitch downwards just slightly, a change so subtle that if you were anyone else, you may have missed it. 

“It doesn’t matter.” You finally answered, dropping your gaze away from his. 

He let out a sigh and let go of your chin before he reached out and grasped your hands. His skin was just as cold as you had remembered it to be, if not colder now. You wondered if he felt the icy chill that was his skin. 

“If you had just stayed by my side, you would’ve never felt lonely. I wouldn’t have let you. Not a single day would have gone by where you felt anything less than loved. Adored. Worshiped, even.” He whispered, looking down at your joined hands. Of course you knew that. 

You looked down at your hands, too. 

There was such a stark contrast when you looked down. His hands were scarred and they were strong, with traces of black swimming in the veins just beneath his fair skin. He wore his wedding ring on his finger still, but on the correct finger, whereas you wore yours on your middle finger where it was ill fitting. Your hands were smaller than his, and your skin was unmarked by scars; smooth. You had the hands of someone whose life had been easy. He dropped your hands and he plucked your ring right off of your middle finger before sliding it onto the correct finger, and although you felt you should have, you didn’t stop him and made no move to correct it once he let go. 

You kept your eyes on your hands and he slowly stood up from the bed and let out a small sigh.

“You can live in denial, but not forever. You’ll find it’ll be far easier if you let me in rather than fight me.” He leaned down and placed a kiss on top of your head, “For what it’s worth, I’ve missed you, in every way a person can be missed. I’ve missed your presence in the mornings, I’ve missed your smile, your laugh, even your attitude I’ve found myself missing. I know that deep down, you’ve missed me too. Otherwise you would have rid yourself of that ring long ago.” He observed and then he placed his hand on top of your head, smoothing your hair back. 

“You don’t hate me, you’ve just had your mind filled with the lies of martyrs. You weren’t meant to be a martyr, y/n. You weren’t meant to sacrifice your happiness just because it was the ‘righteous’ thing to do. You were meant to be a queen. Deny that as you may, but I know it to be true, and perhaps somewhere in that pretty little head of yours, you do too.” 

He knelt down at the side of the bed and looked up at you with a soft, understanding smile. He seemed so pleased to be looking at you. 

“I do love you. I will never turn you away. When you’re ready to accept that, I will be here with open arms.” He murmured and placed his hands on his knees as he looked up at you. 

You stared down at him and you shook your head slowly. 

“And what if I never do?”

He smiled, but didn’t say anything. He rose up from his knees and he wandered across the room towards the door. He opened it up and paused before walking out into the hall. 

“I’m a patient man. The word ‘never’ is so wasted on such a mortal girl. You’ll change your mind, and when you do, I’ll be there.” He said softly before exiting the room, leaving you alone in the dark, his words sending a chill through you that you couldn’t get rid of, no matter how far under the blankets you slid. 

-

You had been given free rein of the strange little sanctuary that the Grisha siding with Aleksander had thrown together. It wasn’t very interesting, by any means, and your days passed slowly. Very, very slowly. 

You had yet to see anyone that you knew, though. You recognized a few faces from the Little Palace, but beyond that, it seemed like everyone you knew had either died or taken to the other side. With no David or Genya, or even Ivan around to entertain you, you’d taken to making the acquaintance of an Alkemi boy named Vladim. 

Vladim couldn’t have been very old, perhaps nineteen at the most. He was always tirelessly working on little things in his makeshift laboratory, but when you asked about them, he always answered you the same. 

“I don’t think you’d have much understanding of the subject matter, and alas, I don’t think the Darkling would be very pleased if I discussed it with you.” He would say, almost word for word, every time. 

He wasn’t overly friendly, but you could tell that he appreciated the company in one way or another. 

You had done your best to avoid Aleksander during the day, and you were usually quite successful in that endeavor, but you couldn’t avoid him at night. He didn’t give you your own room, he simply told you that you’d share his and left it at that. Arguing with him would’ve been futile. His skirmish with the Fold and with his newfound shadow warriors left him with a certain roughness that you’d never known him to have before. There was a certain ruggedness to him now, a certain edge that made the hair at the back of your neck stand up. He had always been hungry for power, but now he was ruthless. He had always commanded respect, but now he forced it. He seemed to be slipping into madness, slowly. He used to be a sharp, shining sword, cutting fast and without much pain. Now he was like a worn, serrated knife. It worried you, but you tried to push that down as far as you could. You shouldn’t worry about him. Let him destroy himself, it wasn’t your problem. 

So why did it feel like it was your problem? 

You tried to remind yourself daily that his destruction wasn’t your responsibility and that he was bringing it upon himself, but it became increasingly harder and harder to remember that. 

Every night ended the same, though. 

You’d lay in his bed, as far onto your side as you could possibly get, and you’d always pretend to be asleep when he finally came in. He’d shuffle around the room silently for a while, getting himself ready for bed, and then he’d lay down on his side of the bed. Like clockwork, ten minutes later, he would move towards you as if he were being pulled by strings like a puppet and he’d wrap you in his arms. He would whisper promises to keep you safe in your ear and he would run his fingers through your hair. Murmurs of proclamations of love would also be uttered into your ear, and he would whisper your name as if it were scripture. 

You wondered if he knew that you weren’t really asleep, which led you to wonder if he even cared. 

He would oftentimes press his lips to your temple and stay there for a long time before pulling away. Some nights you would really end up falling asleep in his arms, and other nights you would stay awake and he would eventually let you go and he’d tuck the blankets around your body, just as you liked them. It took you by surprise the first time he did that, because you didn’t expect him to remember such small details. 

Tonight was seemingly not much different than the other nights. His arms were circled around your waist and he had his chin resting on top of your head. He had fallen completely silent and had been for quite a while now, his tender whispers ceasing quite some time ago. You knew better than to believe he had fallen asleep, though. You could see it in his face daily- he didn’t get much sleep. Not anymore. You frowned slightly at the thought and you nearly shook your head, catching yourself at the last second. 

“I’m not a fool enough to believe that you are asleep right now, my love.” His voice was low and you felt his arms tighten around you ever so slightly. 

You didn’t say anything, but you opened your eyes and pursed your lips, biting anxiously at the inside of your cheek. 

“I know perhaps you take me for a fool, though. Maybe you’re right to. I’ve been foolish with you. Lied to you. Treated you like you were a pawn. If I’m being honest with myself and you, though, I should admit that earning your love was my greatest achievement. I don’t think I’ve lost it, not fully, at least, but perhaps my greatest loss has been making you question that love that you had so graciously given me.” He spoke, his voice taking on a strange and sentimental tone. He seemed to think for a moment before he tapped your waist with his thumb, “Have I?”

You blinked a few times, not bothering to look up at his face. You doubted you would’ve seen it, anyway. The room was pitch black. 

“Have you, what?” You finally replied, hands balling into fists as you pressed your nails into your palms. 

“Lost your love?” 

Your brows knitted together and you frowned, “Yes,” you answered immediately, but you were immediately struck with the pain of guilt in your chest and you suddenly shook your head, “I mean, no. No, I don’t think so.” You choked out, “I don’t think you could. Not entirely, and I hate you for that.”

The second the words left your mouth, you regretted them, though you weren’t sure what you regretted more; admitting that you still loved him or admitting that you held contempt towards him for the way you felt. The admission left a sour taste in your mouth, yet you felt as if a hundred weights had been lifted off of your chest. The relief juxtaposed with the sour taste of shame on your tongue was jarring and you pressed your lips together as tightly as you could, as if to create some kind of seal that would prevent you from speaking further. 

He seemed to mull this answer over for a while, staying silent for more than just a few moments. You could picture his eyes, even though you weren’t actively looking into them. When he was lost in thought, they seemed even deeper than they already were, and oftentimes you felt that was an impossible feat. 

Finally, he spoke. 

“I can understand your hatred for the inner conflict you must be faced with. I haven’t exactly made this easy for you.” He replied, his voice calm and completely even, “If I could stop this all right now, I would. But I can’t, y/n. No one is going to look out for the Grisha except for me. Not even Alina Starkov.”

“You don’t know that if you never give her the opportunity to try, Aleksander.” You insisted, voice barely above a whisper. 

“No, but I do. I do know that. She’s too young. She knows nothing of the power she wields and she knows not how to use it, she couldn’t even begin to grasp the importance of power. It’s simply a new toy to her. Something to play with until she tires of the novelty,” his hand traveled along your back as he held you and you felt him take a silent inhale, “I find myself wishing so often that it was you.” He murmured, lips finding your ear. 

You didn’t understand what he meant, so you furrowed your brow together and you shook your head. 

“What do you mean?” 

His lips hovered over your ear and you felt the tip of his nose in your hair, sending unwanted shivers down your arms and over the back of your neck. 

“I would give anything, anything, if it meant you could’ve been my Sun Summoner.” He whispered, his arms tightening around you frantically, as if he were afraid you’d slip away if he didn’t keep you close. And perhaps you might. 

You weren’t sure what to say. You weren’t even sure how to feel. You had always compared yourself to Alina in one way or another during her time at the Little Palace, though you’d never wished her gift upon yourself. You had never even thought to. His words made you feel cold in the very pit of your stomach and you bit down on the inside of your cheek sharply. Alina and Aleksander would go on to make history. They would make legends. The Sun Summoner and the Shadow Summoner. The Sun Saint and the Darkling. In a hundred years, people would pray to beautiful statues of Sankta Alina, Aleksander would be written into Grisha history and Ravkan legend. But in a hundred years for you? You’d be a name on the Lantsov family tree. Always royal, never reigning. Perhaps someone distantly related to you a hundred years from now would make a pitied remark about how Queen Tatiana and King Pyotr the Third married their poor daughter off to some wicked man, but no one could ever confirm it. It was simply oral history. You would be lost to time, whereas time would be lost on them. They’d be living their second lifetime and you would be nothing but bone buried deep in the dirt. You squeezed your eyes shut at the thought and instead of speaking, you shook your head. 

You felt his hand slide up your back and over the back of your neck until it was nestled in the hair at the back of your head, holding you securely against his chest. 

“Not because I wish you were Alina, no. I could never wish for such a thing. I wish it was you that could stand by my side, that it was you that would be my equipollent partner. I wish I didn’t wake at night in a cold sweat at the thought of you being so… mortal. I couldn’t care less if you had the power of the sun at your disposal, I could only care that you lived a hundred years at my side.” He said quietly, his voice quivering at the end of his sentence. 

Of course Aleksander had proclaimed his love for you many times before, but he had never done so in such a manner. You had never even seen him cry, never heard his voice falter.

A shaky breath from his lips drew your eyes upwards. You very slowly pulled your head away from his and you looked up at his face. Though the room was dark and only lit up by the faintest of moonbeams filtering through a crack in the curtains, his eyes were still visible, darker than the dark around you, yet still shining as if they had thousands of stars in them. They sparkled with the threat of unshed tears and before you could stop yourself, you were lifting your hand towards his face. The moment your hand made gentle contact with his cheek, a single tear spilled out over his bottom lash line and rolled down his cheek gracefully. You’d never seen a tear fall gracefully before. He brought his own, scarred hand up and laid it on top of yours, holding your warm palm to his cheek. You could feel the raised skin of his scar on your hand and it was such an odd contrast to the smooth skin surrounding the scars. 

His eyes slowly closed, but he didn’t let your hand move from his face. His breathing was erratic as if he were trying to hold back cries and he moved as close as he could to you without ending up on top of you. 

“Your brother… Alina Starkov… Your mother… Father… none of them can offer you happiness. I can, darling. I can.” He whispered, his voice trembling, and for a moment, he wasn’t the Darkling. He was just a boy named Aleksander who had slowly lost everyone he could have ever cared for. 

“But at what cost, Aleksander?” You asked softly, using all of your strength to enforce an armor around your heart. But you had deployed cracked armor. 

“I don’t care what the cost is. I’d let a thousand men burn, I’d let armies fall, I’d ruin kingdoms and countries alike, I would kill countless if it meant that you would just stay. With me.” He breathed, another small tear escaping from the corner of his eye. 

The sight was a powerful blow to your futile attempt at an armor. 

No. He’s killed so many people for the selfish drive for power, and he hides it underneath the guise of what’s best for Grisha. You couldn’t stay. 

“I don’t wish to see anyone burn. I don’t want armies to fall and counties to fall to ruin, I don’t want you to dedicate death to keeping me by your side, Aleksander. You made your choice and you chose power. I made mine and I chose the right thing. I can’t stay.” You weren’t sure who you were trying to convince, though. You or him?

His palm pressed against the back of your hand and he held it tightly against his face. 

“You are the only light I’ve ever known, the only salvation I’ve ever been given. I’ve watched lives come and I’ve watched them pass, and I find no grief in it. I’ve spent my fair share of time grieving for those I’ve dared to care for and I’ve condemned it, I’ve sworn to not allow myself the luxury of grief again. So tell me why I’ve spent each day that I’ve loved you grieving for someone who has yet to draw their last breath? I grieve the loss of you that has yet to come. I will choose power day in and day out because I will never stop searching for a way, for a power, that can keep me from losing you.” His voice was weak, but it was determined and it was sincere. 

Your mouth fell open just slightly as you listened to him and you very slowly brushed your thumb against the skin underneath his eye. 

His eyes slowly flickered open and he stared down at you, his lips set into a frown. The unshed tears in his eyes and the look of terror and sorrow on his face made him seem much more human than you had ever seen him, likely ever. 

Right now, he was just a man. A man gifted with too much power and bothered- no, burdened- with the threat of everlasting life. He wasn’t the Darkling and he wasn’t a Shadow Summoner. He was Aleksander, and he was trembling underneath your hand. 

“To say that I love you would be so weak and listless, but to find stronger words, I’d have to start making them up. So, at the risk of sounding weak and listless, I love you. To the end of it all, whatever lies beyond that, even.“ he swallowed hard after speaking and you found your own eyes filling with tears. He wasn’t just saying he loved you, he was silently begging you to love him in return. 

His actions and his quest for power wasn’t preferable, and you weren’t even sure if it was forgivable. Maybe it wasn’t, you weren’t sure. Could you find it within your heart to forgive him if he had begged you to? You weren’t sure of that, either. You found it strange how many months ago, it was you that was begging him for love, but now he was the one staring into your eyes, pleading without words. 

It would hurt a lot to choose him again, because eventually you knew that for whatever high you would be on now, it would be a devastating low one day.

But it would hurt just the same to tear yourself out of your husband’s arms once again, this time after hearing him confess all that he had tonight. How could it be possible to love someone yet despise them all the same? He was always able to make you give in, and you resented him for that, but he also was the only one that understood you now. He understood what a fall from grace felt like, what it was like to have an entire nation turn their backs on you, how it felt to lose the faith of everyone you cared about. 

His eyes and his beauty and his soft words always had you making mistakes before now, and you realized that the only way to not make these mistakes was to be far away from him. But you weren’t far away from him right now and you knew that you were bound to make a mistake again, in fact, you were hurtling towards that mistake right now. 

A single word rolled off of his lips:

“Stay.” 

The answer that begged to leave your mouth was antithetical to the decision you had made to run away from him in the first place and you felt guilty. Guilty for wanting him, guilty for not wanting him. To give him the affirmation he and you both wanted was to betray your country and your family. But they’d already betrayed you. You could almost hear Nikolai telling you that two wrongs didn’t make a right and that you were stronger than this. 

But you didn’t think you were. You couldn’t be. 

His fingers slid in between yours as he held your hand to his face and his eyes locked onto yours, daring you to give him the one answer he’d been searching for. 

So you let it roll off your lips, no louder than an exhale:

“Okay.” 

[dindjarinbae]

Grieving for the Living (Aleksander Morozova x fem!reader) Part 4

The entirety of a capricious and treacherous marriage between the Darkling and the Lantsov princess.

read previous parts here!! part 1 part 2 part 3

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word count: 11.7k

warnings: nothing really, everything is canon typical. examples of an unhealthy relationship

taglist: taglist: @il0vebeingdelulu @mellowarcadefun @budugu @eir964 @arwensloanebarnes @marytvirgin @chaoticcoffeequeen @claire-loves-music

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“Look at her, with her chin held high. She sympathizes with the witches, you know.”

“I heard her husband tried to kill her and she only escaped because of the Sun Summoner.”

“No, you’ve got it all wrong- she’s only here to spy on her family. She’s the Darkling’s whore, now.”

“Someone told me that she was the one that orchestrated the Darkling’s death. But what can you expect? Poor girl. She’s a princess and she was forced to marry a monster.” 

“Rumor has it she’s carrying his demon child.”

People love rumors. Even “good” and “noble” people love them. Powerful men love them, proper ladies love them, everyone will indulge a rumor or an especially interesting piece of gossip. 

The only thing people love more than a good rumor is a very public fall from grace. 

You’d once been Ravka’s darling. The crown jewel of the Lantsov family. People loved you, they adored you. You hadn’t really kept up on public appearances after your wedding, but after that, there had been a steady decline in your popularity. 

No one wanted to see the promising young Lantsov daughter married off to the Darkling. 

Then of course after the mishap on the Fold that left Novokribirsk consumed by darkness, you had become hated. Feared. Despised. 

Most people thought that you had helped the Darkling organize the entire ordeal, and those who didn’t believed you to be spineless and foolish. 

Eyes were on you now. Narrowed eyes. Accusatory eyes. So many eyes. 

You grasped Vasily’s arm tightly as he led you through a crowd of Ravka’s nobles and their families. You weren’t entirely sure what everyone was doing here at the Grand Palace, but you knew that it was a political meeting of sorts. 

Your father had taken ill and Vasily was ruling in his place. An interim ruler of sorts. 

You weren’t supposed to be here, you were supposed to be in your bedroom, but you had tried to sneak out. You wanted to go riding, you wanted to clear your head. Unfortunately, your brother had found you before you even had a chance to make it to the stables. 

You and Vasily had never gotten along well, but since you had returned home after running for weeks and weeks, from town to town, he’d stunned you with kindness and concern. He believed every word you told him about the Darkling and about how you had to escape him, unlike your mother who strongly believed you would bear his “devil child”. 

The two of you made your way through the crowded room in silence, and you held his arm as if it were your lifeline. You had heard the same gossip since you returned home. You heard it from town to town when you were trying to get home from Kribirsk, and you heard it now, all around you. 

You had both nearly made a successful escape from the crowd when you heard someone call out your name. 

“Princess y/n!” 

You and Vasily both spun around to see a woman standing behind you. She held a glass of wine in one hand and the hand of a small child in the other. 

“Y-yes?” You asked softly. Vasily gave your arm a gentle tug, but you turned to him and gave him a pleading look. He relented and allowed you to talk to them, but he didn’t let you let go of his arm. 

“My husband. He was in Novokribirsk when the Fold swallowed it whole. When your husband murdered an entire city.” The woman deadpanned, swirling the red wine in her glass. 

You let out a dejected sigh and gathered the skirt of your lilac colored dress in your free hand and you gave her a sympathetic look, “I am sorry for your loss. I, too, am grieving the loss of the city of Novokribirsk.”

“You don’t look it.” She shot back.

“I assure you-“ 

You were cut off by the woman flicking her wrist and splashing the entire glass of red wine all over the bodice of your dress. You gasped and took a step back before Vasily dropped your arm and brought his fingers to his mouth. He let out a loud whistle and a few guards came running towards them. 

“This woman has just… assaulted my sister.” Vasily announced and pointed at her. 

The guards moved towards her, likely to detain her, and Vasily grabbed your arm and tugged you away. 

“It’s your fault! My child will never see her father again! You cannot silence me! There’s a thousand just like me!” She screamed and you could hear her grunt and struggle against the guards, but Vasily would not let you look back. 

Once you both had made it out of the grand hall and into the corridor leading to the staircase, Vasily let go of your arm and he pulled a handkerchief out of his breast pocket. He handed it to you and motioned to your exposed chest and neck. 

“You might want to wipe that off before it gets sticky.” 

You took the cloth from his hand and you dabbed off the droplets of wine that had made it to your chest. You let out a small sigh and looked up at your brother, offering his handkerchief back to him. He took it and stuffed it back in his pocket before he reached out and placed a hand on your shoulder. 

“Things will get worse before they get better. But they will get better. You’re here to stay, y/n. Let their tongues wag, sister. You are royalty. It doesn’t matter if they love you or hate you now, their opinions can be swayed. And they will be. Just not today.” Your brother said softly and you shrugged. 

“They have their minds made up. I’m only as good as my husband in their eyes.” You stated, motioning to your stained dress. 

“Y/n, their minds will change.”

“And then what? Tell me what then? I’ll be in their good graces until a man close to me screws up and then I’ll be cursed all over again. I am a woman, Vasily. I will always be blamed for a man’s poor choices,” You pointed out, wrapping your arms around yourself, “Our own mother thinks I am corrupted.”

“She’s just scared and confused, y/n. Father lays dying because of the Darkling. She’s just… naïve.  No one ever accused her of being the brightest. But she never had to be.” He explained, trying to set your mind at ease. 

You placed your left hand on your forehead and you sighed, “I just wish this past year had never happened, Vasily.” You breathed, shaking your head slowly. 

Your brother eyed the hand you had on your forehead suspiciously and then he reached out and grabbed your wrist, “You know, Mother might have an easier time believing you if you didn’t still wear your wedding ring.” 

You glanced down at your hand as your brother held your wrist and you frowned, “I don’t see it as a wedding ring. My friend made it. I think of it as a gift now. He’s the one that helped me escape, Vasily.” 

Your brother rubbed a hand over his face and then he lowered his hand and placed it on your shoulder, “Sister, what happened to you was awful, and I’m sure it’s going to stay with you for a long time, but I think the best way to begin to move past it is to let any and all Grisha go. They are a poison to our society.”

“Don’t marginalize an entire group just for the actions of a few bad people, Vasily.” You whispered, frowning. 

“Y/n. We aren’t going to talk about this right now. I must join the meeting. Go to your room and stay there. Get some rest, just… go.” He sighed. He patted your shoulder once and turned on his heel, making his way back into the hall. 

You watched him disappear into the crowded room and you rubbed your face exhaustedly. Grasping your skirt in your hand, you trudged up the stairs with a sigh. You made your way to your bedroom and you closed the door behind you. You stared at the door handle for a moment and then locked it. Ever since you’d run away from Aleksander, you couldn’t help but feel like he was only one step behind you everywhere you went, like he’d always find you one way or another. 

Everyone said he was dead, torn to pieces in the Fold, but deep down, you had your doubts. You couldn’t explain how or why, but you just felt like he was still out there. 

When you had begun your journey back to Os Alta from Kribirsk, you didn’t stop for more than an hour at a time, bouncing around from village to village, town to town, moving constantly. Then the news began to spread. The first time you heard that Aleksander was presumed dead was when you sat in a small inn, warming your hands by a fire. From then on out, you slowed down a bit. Then the rumors about you came, and you began to move much quicker again. 

You slowly pulled your dress off of your body and let it fall to the floor, kicking it aside. You’d pick it up later- you just wanted to lay down now. You grabbed the nightgown you’d worn last night off of the end of your bed and pulled it on before you laid down on your mattress and yanked the blankets up over your shoulders. 

It wasn’t overly late, but there was nothing else to do except sleep at this point. You didn’t want to see anyone. 

You lifted your hand up and held it over your face and you peered up at the delicate ring that you wore still. You’d had enough sense to take it off of your ring finger, and now wore it on your middle finger. As pathetic as it may seem, you didn’t feel right taking it off. 

Your husband’s words echoed in your brain for what seemed like the hundredth time this week as you lowered your hand and bit your bottom lip. 

“Your country will hate you. You will be cursed with the title of my wife for as long as you shall live. You’ll be treated no better than Grisha.”

You lowered your hand down onto your stomach and you looked up at the ceiling with a small sigh. Until today, it had only been rumors. Gossip. Today you’d had red wine thrown at you. What about tomorrow? Things couldn’t just keep getting worse. 

But you’d find that they could.

And they would. 

-

“Mother and I have been talking.” Vasily stated, setting his cup of tea on the table next to you. 

You looked over at your brother for a moment and then you shrugged, stirring a bit of honey into your tea. 

“What of?” You asked, looking back down at your tea. 

“Well, we think that perhaps, for the time being, we ought to send you to Ketterdam. To study at the university, or apprentice under a politician-“

“The Fold was hardly safe to cross a month ago. What makes you think that it is crossable now?” You asked and pulled your spoon out of your tea. You pointed the spoon at your brother and clicked your tongue a few times, “I’m not going to Ketterdam, Vasily. That’s silly.” 

“It’s not,” he reached out to push your spoon away and he sighed, “Sister, there have been threats made on your life. Last week you were attacked more or less. If we are going to take risks, I’d rather it be this one rather than just sitting here and wait for you to be attacked.”

You blinked a few times and looked over at your brother, “Come on, Vasily. This feels like a punishment.”

“It’s not a punishment, sister. Being in Ravka just… is not a great fit for you right now.” 

You laid your hands flat on the table and you ran your tongue along the backs of your teeth angrily. 

“And what does Father say of this?” You asked, drumming your fingers against the tabletop. 

“He agrees, y/n. You’re a sitting duck. For many reasons. One, there are people in this country who think you should be held responsible for the Darkling’s actions, we aren’t going to wait for someone to try to hurt you. Two…” Vasily trailed off and he let out a small sigh, “Mother and Father told me not to tell you. But I’m going to because you are bound to find out on your own regardless. Sister, the Darkling lives.”

It was as if your blood turned to stone and your heart had stopped beating. Your mouth felt dry and it became very difficult to swallow. Your vision came in and out of focus and you let out an unconvincing, incredulous laugh. 

“He disappeared in the Fold. He didn’t emerge. He lives not.” You weren’t sure who you were trying to convince; yourself or Vasily. 

Your brother shrugged and he took a sip of his tea, “I’m only relaying what I’ve been told.” He remarked, setting his teacup back down onto its saucer. 

The clink of ceramic made you jump slightly and you looked over at your brother, “He cannot be alive, Vasily. He will come for me. I ran from him. In his eyes, I betrayed him. He will come for me. He can’t be alive.” You pleaded, feeling sick as you glanced down at your own tea.  

“That’s precisely why we’d like to send you to Ketterdam, sister. With a full team of guards. There are smugglers that are very good at what they do that can safely get you across the Fold. Once you’re across, you can go straight to Ketterdam. You’ll be safe there.” Your brother explained, reaching out to touch the back of your hand, “We can’t afford to lose you. Not when we are faced with losing our father, Nikolai hasn’t been home in over seven years… please. Go willingly.” 

You felt shaky and lightheaded, as if you hadn’t eaten for days, panic filling your chest and your lungs as if it were a mere inhale. You looked away from Vasily and you stared at the wall for a long time before you gave your brother a very slight nod. 

“Do you promise that these smugglers can get me across the Fold safely?” You asked slowly, your voice sounding distant in your own ears. 

“We have had major success with them before, and they aren’t Grisha.” He insisted, placing his hand on your shoulder. 

“Okay.” You whispered and gave Vasily a small nod. 

“It’s for the best.” Vasily said softly and gave your shoulder a little squeeze before he stood up from the small table you two sat at, “Perhaps you should start thinking about packing.” He remarked and then walked away, likely going off to speak to your mother or whatever else he deemed important. 

You stayed seated at the table for a long time and you looked down at the ring that fit snugly on your middle finger. You bit your bottom lip and you shook your head once. Surely he was going to look for you at some point, you just didn’t know what point that would be. 

Maybe, just maybe, if you left as soon as possible, you could get ahead. Leave Ravka, get halfway to Ketterdam before he caught wind of it- if he caught wind of it at all, of course. You slowly rose from the table a few moments later and you shuffled out to the hallway. 

You glanced at the set of double doors at the end of the hall that led outside towards the Little Palace and you bit your lip. You checked over your shoulder briefly and then you quickly made your way outside. Once you were positive you hadn’t been seen or followed, you walked briskly towards the Little Palace. You swung the doors open and moved inside quickly before closing them again. 

You weren’t entirely sure why you were back here, you hadn’t been since you’d returned back to Os Alta. Vasily and your mother had forbidden it. As nice as Vasily had been, you had come to realize he was just as wary of you as your mother. 

Whatever. 

Nothing you could say would change their minds, and nothing short of being the one to remove and deliver Aleksander’s head to them would make them ever think that you weren’t somehow in on what he did. 

Of course that hurt, though. You had never felt loneliness like this before. 

You wandered through the halls silently until you reached your old shared bedroom and you pushed the doors open. 

The place had been ransacked. Likely by guards and probably your brother as well, looking for anything that might help them with the Fold. 

Your wardrobe hung ajar and some of your dresses had been tossed to the ground, but for the most part, your things had been untouched. You wandered around the room silently, feeling a small pang of guilt in the pit of your stomach. Feeling guilt for what happened was insane to you, yet there the feeling was. 

You glanced at the bed and almost felt tears rise to your eyes. You swallowed them back. 

Despite your husband’s perversion of Alina’s power and his endless chase for his own, sometimes when it was just you and the silence, you missed him. 

Not the power-hungry him. The version of him that remembered that you liked sunsets and took time out of his nights to show you them. The version of him that surprised you so excitedly with a dress that matched his own ensemble. The version of Aleksander that fussed over you being cold, that wrapped you in his cloaks and offered to carry you. 

Your relationship with Aleksander was complicated. It was up and down and there were a lot of things on his end that he never told you of. Loving him was so short, yet trying to forget him would last you a lifetime.

Some days you were convinced that your relationship was founded on lies and deception and that it wasn’t even healthy for either of you. Then, other days you were certain he was the love of your life, and it pained you that his drive for power made you collateral damage. 

You would have stayed forever if he had seen sense, chosen you over his want for power. But he didn’t, and that was a painful reality. 

You turned on your heel and took a step towards the door before your foot hit something on the ground. You looked down to see one of your husband’s large, thick cloaks and you sunk to your knees. You gathered some of the fabric up in your hands and you held it against your chest for a moment. You ran your fingers over the soft cloak and then you let out a long, sad sigh.  

You wondered if he ever thought of you the way you thought of him. Sweetly at times, scornfully at others. It was hard to imagine that he’d think of you fondly, though. Especially after you ran away. 

You did what you needed to do. 

That’s what everyone told you. Your mother, your father, Vasily. All of them. It was the right thing to do. You would have just been a little trophy that he got to show off as if to say “look at me. I’m so powerful that even the Ravkan princess would take my side.” 

That was his plan all along. You knew that. He’d all but admitted it. The luxury of love and care he offered was a reward for submitting. It was wrong. Everything was so wrong about his proposal to you the night he had planted the amplifiers in himself and Alina. He’d gotten one thing right, though. You had turned out to be hated and blamed by the masses, just as he had predicted. But it was the right thing to do, wasn’t it? 

Some days, for just brief seconds, you weren’t so sure. 

You shook the thought off as quickly as it had come and you stood up, dropping the cloak back to the ground. 

No, you did do what you had to do. To keep your freedom. 

You quickly left the room and you took up an unforgiving walking pace back to the Grand Palace. Once you’d gotten back inside of the Grand Palace, you slammed the doors behind you and you walked back to your room as if you’d been there the whole time. 

You approached the stairs and took one step up before you saw Vasily come barreling down the stairs. When he saw you, he shook his head and grabbed both of your arms. 

“Where were you?” He asked in a loud tone. 

“I just went back to the Little Palace to find my dress from Mother!” You lied, trying to pull away from Vasily. 

“Sister, something has happened.” He said sharply and then let go of you. 

You felt your stomach sink and you looked up at Vasily, urging him to continue with your stare. 

“I don’t have the time nor the patience to explain. We are leaving Os Alta. Tonight.” 

“Tonight?” You asked and looked up at him, shaking your head, “But what about Ketterdam? We just-“

“I know! But we must leave tonight. We will figure out other ways of getting you out of here but just go get yourself ready for travel.” He commanded and you found yourself reeling. 

He pushed past you and bolted down the hall, not saying another word to you. 

You stared after him for a moment before you walked up the stairs. You’d nearly made it to the top when your mother came around the corner and stood at the landing at the top of the stairs. When she saw you, her face paled. 

You stopped in your tracks and looked up at her. You gave her a small, watery smile and you took one step towards her. 

“Mother-“

“You reek of the darkness.” She spat and she walked down the stairs past you hurriedly, leaving you standing alone at the top of the stairs. 

You felt as if she had slapped you. You wished that was all she had done. 

Sounds of bustling and loud voices echoed from downstairs and you pressed your fingernails into your palms. Tears stung your eyes and you slowly dragged yourself down the hall to your bedroom. 

Coming home had likely been a mistake. You wished that you’d gone across the Fold with your husband, and then ran from there. Somewhere far away from here, perhaps to Ketterdam or even beyond, because as you stood there in your bedroom feeling an endless loneliness swirl in your chest, you couldn’t help but think that perhaps you’d traded one prison for another. 

-

Days upon days on the road had been torture. Only Vasily had spoken to you, and you stayed near the back of the group, perched on your horse. 

That was, until now. Vasily had summoned you up to the front of the group with him and he offered no explanation until about an hour of awkward silence had passed. Your brother turned to you and he gave you a small sigh, slowing his horse a bit so that he was right next to you while you rode yours. 

“Doing alright?” He asked, looking you up and down. 

You shrugged and kept your eyes ahead, watching the trees in the distance grow closer and closer, then finding new trees to watch; repeating this. 

“You’ve been a bit sour lately.” Vasily commented and you snorted once. 

“Our parents are disgusted by me and I was uprooted from my home within a matter of hours. Besides, you won’t even tell me where we’re going, Vasily.” You explained and shot him a look. 

“We are going somewhere very safe. A sanctuary.” He replied, giving you a shrug. He led his horse up a small hill and you were quick to follow. 

He stopped at the top of the hill and pointed at an old building nestled against a cliffside.

“That is where we are going…” He trailed off mid sentence and you watched him carefully. His eyes were fixed on a small group of people standing outside of the building, and you slowly turned your head to look, too. 

People in brightly colored coats stood in front of the building and a few other people were there too, in the drab colors of the First Army. There was Grisha down there, and First Army, evidently. You stared at them all for a moment and realized that these must be Grisha that didn’t side with Aleksander, or else they’d likely be locked in cages or dead, especially with members of the First Army with them. 

“Come on, then,” Vasily said in a hard tone, “let’s go see who they are and what they want.” He said slowly. You nodded once and followed him down the hill, holding the reins of your horse so tight that the leather of the reins left indents in your skin. 

The ride down the hill was easy and as you slowly approached the building, everyone’s heads turned to you and your brother. You recognized a few of the Grisha from your time at the Little Palace and you searched your brain for names but couldn’t come up with any. Next, you looked at the group of First Army men to the side and you widened your eyes with recognition. A blonde boy in a decorated army uniform stood speaking to a much older man in a similar uniform.

You gasped loudly and you clambered off of your horse as it still moved, ignoring Vasily’s protests. You ran the rest of the way to the group, pushing past a few of the Grisha. 

“Nikolai!” You cried, and the blonde boy turned his head to see you sprinting towards him. 

A warm, elated smile formed on Nikolai’s face and he stepped forward with his arms open. You ran straight into your brother’s arms and wrapped your own around his shoulders. His arms closed tightly around your torso and he gave you a tight squeeze, letting out a mirthful laugh. An excited smile of your own covered your face and you felt a sense of comfort that you hadn’t had for many months. 

“Oh, y/n!” Your brother exclaimed, pulling back. He placed his hands on your arms and he looked you up and down a few times before he let out another laugh, “Saints! Look at you! You’re so grown!” 

You felt giddy with delight as you stared up into the face of your brother and you reached up to mess up his blonde hair. 

“It’s been seven years, Nikolai!” You exclaimed, the smile on your face not fading even a bit, “Why on earth are you here? Where on earth have you even been? I-“

“That’s quite enough, sister.” You slowly turned your head around to see that Vasily stood behind you now, also off of his horse, “I’m sure the last thing Nikolai wants is for you to be yapping his ear off.”

“I don’t mind.” Nikolai interjected firmly, dropping his hands away from your arms, “I was actually really looking forward to seeing her. When I heard you were all heading this way, I started telling everyone about you.” He remarked and looked down at you with a smile. 

“Yes well, we didn’t expect you to be here. With company.” Vasily said stiffly, and you wondered what his problem was. 

“The more the merrier. That’s what they say, at least, and if it’s true, I’ve got a merry little sanctuary going on here.” Nikolai quipped back at Vasily. 

“I can see that.” Vasily murmured and then cleared his throat, “Why don’t you help us get everything inside, Nikolai? Have your… help aid us.”

You looked around for a moment before realizing that Vasily was less than thrilled to see Grisha here. You pressed your lips together and looked over at him with a frown. 

“The help? Oh no, brother. You’re mistaken. They’re here because they want to be. No one here is above or beneath anyone. We all help each other.” Nikolai’s voice was calm and friendly, but you could always tell when he was masking his sternness behind kindness. This was one of those times. 

Nikolai looked down at you and smiled, a real, genuine smile. You felt a little less lonely in that moment and he placed his hand on your shoulder. 

“We have much to catch up on, and we will, believe me. But I’m gonna help get everyone situated. Maybe you should go inside and meet everyone.” He suggested and you gave him a nod. 

You leaned forward and gave him another brief hug before you pulled back. You turned your head and gave Vasily a pointed look before you turned on your heel and walked inside of the large building. 

Once you stepped inside, you looked around. The room was bustling with Grisha in their brightly colored clothes. You took a few more steps into the building before you heard your name called. 

“Y/n?”

You turned to where the voice had come from, and you almost had to do a double take. 

Alina Starkov walked towards you with a tall, lanky boy behind her, who you vaguely recognized as Malyen. Both of them approached you swiftly and you looked up at Alina, a bit shocked. 

“You’re alive.” You breathed, looking her up and down a few times. 

“I am, and I’m so glad to say the same for you.” She said softly and reached out. 

She grabbed your hands gently in her own and she gave you a sympathetic smile. You smiled back at her and took a step closer to the girl, giving her hands a friendly squeeze. 

“What happened, Alina? How did it come to this?” You asked quietly. 

Her smile fell and she turned to look at the boy next to her and she gave him a little nod. 

“Let’s take her to a room. So we can speak privately.” She suggested and he nodded once. 

She let go of one of your hands, but kept ahold of one of them so that she could lead you through the halls of what was your supposed sanctuary. 

She led you to a room with double doors and the tracker boy with her pushed them open for the two of you and you followed her inside. Once the doors were closed, Alina brought you to the foot of the bed in the room and she sat down on it, tugging you down with her. 

She gave you a sad smile and then she sighed, letting go of your hand. 

“You were smart to disappear.” Alina remarked and you nodded once. 

“I gathered. What even happened? I know things have gotten bad-“

“Bad is an understatement.” The tracker boy, Mal, said from where he stood a few feet away. 

Alina nodded once in apparent agreement and she let out another sigh. 

“The day we went out into the Fold, Aleksander was… furious. He came and got me from my tent and he told me you’d be coming with us. Which, I was fearful about. He brought me to his tent, but when we arrived there, you were gone. I’ve never seen him lose composure like that,” she said, a distant look in her eye, “he was angry and he was shouting and he was commanding anyone that could hear him to go and find you. But you had just… vanished. It was like he’d lost his mind for a moment there. Some soldiers theorized that you’d been taken, and he nearly had accepted it, but Ivan wasn’t convinced. He told Aleksander that you likely ran deliberately. At that point, he didn’t want to waste any more time, so he continued with the voyage, and he said he’d ‘deal’ with you later. I don’t think he expected to lose.” She explained and then folded her hands in her lap. 

You blinked a few times and you looked down into your own lap. The ring on your middle finger seemed to burn into your skin and you bit the side of your cheek sharply. You stayed silent for a while and then looked back up at Alina, puffing out your cheeks slightly. 

“What happened to him? To you?” You asked, placing your hands down against the fabric of your riding pants. 

“Mal fought him off mostly. He was swarmed by volcra. Mal and I… we got across the Fold and ran. Went into hiding for a while.” She answered. 

“By volcra?” You said and perked your head up. If he was swarmed by volcra, there was no way that he would have survived. The rumors of his survival must have been just that: rumors. 

“Yes.”

You shuddered at the thought and then you looked up at Alina, giving her a small smile. You didn’t know if you should mention what Vasily told you about your husband being alive. You probably should have, but you didn’t.  

“I think… that’s for the best.” You remarked slowly and then laid your palms flat against your lap. 

There was a small silence in the room and you didn’t know how to fill it. You tapped your fingers against your lap quietly and puffed your cheeks out slightly. You’d never taken the time to speak to Alina, really. The two of you had exchanged words in the Little Palace a few times but nothing groundbreaking was ever said. To be honest, you never really wanted to converse with her. Not until now, at least.

Alina’s hand grasped your shoulder and you looked over at the girl next to you. She was giving you a small, sympathetic smile. 

“I’m really glad you’re okay. At least one of us made it out.” She remarked and you raised your eyebrow. 

“But did I really make it out?” You asked, thinking of what your husband had said to you, about how your country would hate you. You felt a bit resentful towards your parents and your brother, Vasily. You couldn’t help but believe you had only traded one bad scenario for another. 

“Yes, I can’t even imagine what would have happened if you’d gone into the Fold with us that day.” She said and you blinked a few times. 

You’d wondered that, too, a couple of times. You wondered if things would have turned out differently, you wondered if you’d be with Aleksander now, you wondered if your country would still despise you so. You thought you’d done the right thing but it seemed there was no right thing to do. Only the preferable one. The one to save face. You sighed and then gave Alina a small smile. 

“I think I’d like to be alone.” You whispered and Alina nodded. 

“Of course. I’m right next door- if you need anything.” She said, rising from your bed.

She gave you a small wave as she and Mal left the room and you flopped back onto your bed. 

Your mind raced upon being left alone and you tried to clear it by shaking your head a few times. You felt confused, angry, exasperated, and tired all at once. 

You closed your eyes and took deep breaths, trying to fight back the consuming thoughts of Aleksander.  

-

You sat between your two brothers at dinner that night, bouncing your knee anxiously. To your left, Nikolai sat sipping his wine next to Alina, and to your right, Vasily sat and picked at his food while your mother fussed over his hair as she sat next to him.

You had finished your first glass of wine and reached across the table for the bottle, only to have the back of your hand smacked by Vasily. 

“Sister, we will not have a repeat of the last time you had control over your wine intake.” He spoke, giving you a condescending smile. 

Nikolai reached across the table and grabbed the bottle of wine and poured some in your glass before he set the bottle back down and turned to Vasily with a grin. 

“No harm done, brother. This is fine wine, after all, she’s got good taste.” Nikolai remarked and then winked at you. 

You gave your blonde brother a small, appreciative smile and you grabbed the glass, taking a sip. 

Vasily snorted and your mother looked over at you and Nikolai before she shook her head with a small scoff. 

“Don’t defend her, Nikolai. The last time she was given wine she made a fool of herself.” Your mother snapped, but Nikolai only laughed and nudged your side. 

“If you cause a scene tonight, you’ll have my appreciation. Maybe even some new pearls.” He teased and you turned to look at Nikolai. You giggled softly at his offer and then you shook your head. 

“Mother and Father already covertly wish for my swift beheading. What makes you think they’ll not beat me with sticks?” You asked and took another sip of your wine. 

“I gathered that Mother wasn’t too pleased with you at the moment. Why?” He asked and took a bite of his food. 

You sighed and then shook your head once, glancing down at your own plate. 

“She thought I was expecting the Darkling’s child. But clearly I’m not pregnant, so now she just hates me for being his wife. But that’s odd, because,” you held up your finger and jabbed it towards your mother and father, “the marriage between the Darkling and I was their idea.” 

Nikolai rolled his eyes and he reached out for the bottle of wine for himself, grabbing hold of the neck of the bottle. 

“Yeah, I heard about that. Thought it was a bit of an odd pairing but what do I know? Alina told me that you escaped him. Is that not enough for our parents?” He asked and poured himself more wine. 

“Evidently not. I thought Vasily was on my side, but it seems not. But I mean, no one else is. The entire country hates me.” You remarked and then looked up at Nikolai, “you know people and their rumors.” You said and then gave your brother a weak smile. 

“I don’t hate you. And I am on your side,” Nikolai began, giving you a sympathetic smile, “you did the right thing, you shouldn’t be punished for it. Sometimes running is the brave thing. Sometimes you have to walk out, have to give up. It doesn’t always feel right, but it’s braver in the grand scheme of it all to have cut your losses and started over fresh.” He said and then placed his hand on your shoulder, “I think you’re brave. Braver than me, even. I’m proud of you.” He said softly and then squeezed your shoulder. 

You looked at your brother, surprised. You shook your head once and then you let out a sad laugh. 

“Oh, Nikolai. I’ve missed you more than you will ever know.” You murmured and then rubbed your eyes. 

You pulled your hands away from your eyes and it looked as if Nikolai was about to say something more, but Vasily’s loud voice stopped him. 

“Why must you always play the diplomat, Nikolai?” Vasily asked, holding his wine glass close to his lips. He shot a look at you and then one at Alina, “Grisha dining beside true Ravkan soldiers is a bit too much for all of our stomachs.”

You made a disgusted face at Vasily and opened your mouth to protest, but you were stopped by Alina’s voice. 

“We’re all Ravkan here.” She snapped

“Doesn’t have to be us versus them.” Nikolai added. 

“Your bigotry is rather outdated, Vasily.” You chimed in, earning a look of disdain from your mother. 

“General Kirigan should’ve thought of that before he tried to murder our father and stage a coup.” Vasily shot back and then gave you a nasty little smirk, “That said, absent their Darkling, the Grisha are rather easy to manage. Though, it seems our sister has become more difficult to manage in the lack of his presence. Why do you think that is?” He asked and kept his eyes on yours, accusingly. 

“By “manage” do you mean “execute”, moi tsarevich?” Alina asked, sharply, and this seemed to be enough to draw your brother’s accusatory eyes away from yours. 

“That fate is reserved for traitors to the Crown, Miss Starkov.” He answered and then looked back at you, lips curling upwards. 

“If the Second Army requires a leader loyal to the Crown to assure their fealty, then I will lead them.” Alina said calmly, leaning over the table to look at Vasily. 

Your oldest brother tore his gaze away from you and smiled at Alina. He laughed and took a long sip of his wine, glancing at your mother who was also giggling. 

“Why should I believe you have any loyalty to my family? I hardly have any within it.” He remarked and eyed you and Nikolai amusedly. 

Nikolai glanced at you for a second and then he looked at Alina. The two stared at each other for a moment and then Nikolai grabbed his wine glass and stood up. 

For a split second, you thought he might leave the table. He began speaking instead. 

“Today marks the start of a new era of cooperation between Lantsovs and the Grisha” he began and held his glass up in a toast, “I’m delighted to announce my engagement to Alina Starkov, the Sun Summoner and the new leader of the Second Army. Together we will build a better future for Ravka.” He finished. He shouted praise to Ravka in the native tongue and raised his glass higher before taking a sip and sitting back down. 

You gaped up at your brother and blinked a few times. Vasily muttered something in your mother’s ear and you whipped around to look at them. 

“You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.” You snapped, staring at the two of them, “you’re no better than the rest of the gossipers in this country. You just sit on pretty chairs.” You hissed and then stood up. 

You looked down at Nikolai and Alina and gave them a smile, “I’m happy for you both.” You said softly and then patted Nikolai’s shoulder before you pushed your chair in and left the dining hall. 

You walked out into the hallway without looking back, but you heard heavy footsteps behind you. You didn’t turn around, and you wouldn’t have either, if your brother’s clammy hand didn’t clamp itself around your wrist. He yanked you backwards and you found yourself face to face with a seething Vasily. 

“You wretched brat!” Vasily screamed. He lifted your wrist up and snatched the ring off of your middle finger and threw it down the hallway. 

You gasped loudly and tried to yank your arm away from his grip, but to no avail. 

“After all I have sacrificed for you-“ 

“Sacrificed for me? What have you sacrificed for me? You’ve sacrificed nothing of your own. You’ve sacrificed my reputation. My name. You’d sooner see me dragged through the mud before anyone blackens your name, Vasily.” You snapped back, reaching out to shove his chest as you yanked your wrist free of his grip. 

“You selfish-“ 

“I’m allowed to be fucking selfish!” You exclaimed and balled your fists up, “After everything that’s happened to me, I’m allowed to look out for myself! I was married off with no say to someone wicked and I am now blamed for that! Once again, another example of how a man’s poor choice becomes my fault! Father chose the Darkling for me, and now he’s angry at me for it? Please. He’s pathetic. You’re pathetic.”

Vasily seemed shocked by your words and he struggled to form any of his own, it seemed. His brows furrowed together and he looked as if he might reach out and strangle you at any second before you heard Nikolai behind him. 

“Vasily, I think it’s time to leave her alone and go back to the table.” Nikolai suggested, striding towards the two of you. 

Vasily only seemed to grow angrier and before you knew it, he was lunging for you. You shrieked and jumped backwards and Nikolai jolted forward and grabbed Vasily by the arms, yanking him backwards. 

“Enough! All three of you, enough!”

You all turned to see your father standing in the hallway with his hands on his hips and his brows furrowed angrily. Vasily shook himself free of Nikolai’s grip and he smoothed his hair back before going to join your father by his side. 

“There are wars being waged out there! There are battles to be fought! That is to be expected, but I will not have my own children causing turmoil!” He bellowed, “All of you, get back in there and sit down. Pretend to like each other if you must, but behave! I’ll not have you bring more shame into this family.” He spat and then eyed you and Nikolai. 

He turned around with Vasily and marched back into the dining hall. You inhaled deeply and turned around, scanning the hallway for your ring. 

“Y/n…” Nikolai began as you dropped to your knees and began to search the floor for your wedding ring. 

“Just go back to dinner, Nik. I’m going to my room.” You said with a small sigh as you continued to look for the little piece of jewelry. 

“What are you looking for?” He asked, lowering himself down to the ground with you. 

You let out a huff and turned your head around to face him. 

“A ring.”

“Your wedding ring.” He corrected and you blinked a few times. 

“I don’t think of it as a wedding ring.” You protested and continued crawling around the floor to find it. 

“It’s okay to miss him, you know.” Nikolai said softly and you froze. You didn’t turn around. 

“I don’t miss him.” You said flatly, but you knew it was a lie and so did Nikolai. 

Nikolai moved towards you and placed his hand on your back gently, sighing. 

“Y/n, it’s okay to miss him,” he repeated, hand still against your back, “he was your first real… suitor. I’m sure despite the arranged marriage aspect, you did come to love him, and that’s okay. You aren’t a monster for loving someone,”

He said softly and wrapped his arm around your shoulder, pulling you against his side, “our parents failed you, sister. Your husband failed you. This country failed you. You are young and you were taken advantage of in so many ways. Our parents took advantage of you, I’m sure the Darkling did as well. You can condemn what he’s done and not agree with what he believes and still miss him.” Your brother said softly. 

You felt tears spring to your eyes and you leaned against his side, sniffling once. 

“I feel so stupid, Nikolai,” you breathed and turned to look up at him, “I do miss him. I miss him dearly. I sometimes question whether or not I did the right thing when I ran. It’s so hard to accept that this is just how it is now. He said he loved me, Nikolai. He told me that he’d always protect me, and I believed him. I let him persuade me so many times with soft words and affectionate touches, I was weak. I was weak and now I’m paying for it.”

“You weren’t weak. You didn’t know better, little sister.” Nikolai whispered and then he pulled away from you. He stood up and walked down the hallway and crouched down. 

He picked something up and came back to you, kneeling in front of you. He held your wedding ring out towards you and gave you a small smile. 

“You did the right thing. You did the brave thing. Now let yourself grieve.” He said and you gently took the ring from his fingers. 

You slipped it back on and Nikolai offered you his hand. You took it gratefully and he pulled you to your feet. 

“Everything will turn out for the best, sister. I promise.” He said, giving you a kind smile. 

You returned his smile briefly but then let the smile fade from your face. 

Best for who?

-

The following weeks were hardly eventful and you found yourself bored in your so-called sanctuary. No one ever let you go far outside and when you did go outside- which was a rare occurrence- Nikolai or Alina and Mal accompanied you. 

With little to do, you’d taken to following Nikolai around. Most days, he’d entertain you by telling you stories of his time at sea as the two of you wandered the halls of the old building you occupied. 

Today, you hoped, wouldn’t be any different. You had risen from bed rather late in the morning and by the time you went to seek Nikolai out, he’d been gone for a while. You spent the morning in your room while you waited for Nikolai to return and you read through one of the three books you’d been able to pack up and bring. But you’d been at this now for hours, and you started to grow deathly bored of your own company.

With a long groan, you slowly rose from the bed and you shuffled out into the hallway. You heard people talking from further out in the hall and you made your way towards the voices curiously. 

You rounded a corner and saw Alina, Mal, two other Grisha, a man in shackles, and Nikolai all standing together. You padded towards them all, catching the last words out of Nikolai’s mouth. 

“He claims to have escaped from a very alive General Kirigan.” Nikolai said to Alina in a quiet voice. 

Not quiet enough, you thought. Because the words still reached your ears. 

“He gave himself up without a struggle. We found this on him.” Nikolai added and handed something to Alina, “He says it’s one of Morozova’s journals. I for one, am dying to know more, but he’s insisted he speak with you.”

You came closer and Nikolai caught sight of you and he let out a small sigh, slowly taking a step towards you.

“What’s happening?” You asked quietly, looking up at your brother. 

Nikolai swept his arm out towards the group in front of you, and you glanced over at the man in shackles. You were instantly hit with recognition.

The man in shackles had ragged hair and he was dirty, but you knew him from anywhere. It was David Kostyk. The Durast that helped you escape from Aleksander. 

You took a step forward but Nikolai grabbed your arm and shook his head, “No.” he said quietly. 

David seemingly hadn’t noticed you yet and he stepped towards Alina, only to be stopped by one of the large Grisha you recognized as a boy named Tolya. 

“Alina…” David began, “I know I wronged you. Please believe that I regret my role in that deeply. I know you have reason to distrust me, but I have no loyalty to General Kirigan.”

“He survived the Volcra?” Alina asked, almost shakily. 

“I’m afraid so,” David began and then he shook his head, “He also knows that you survived and you’re in East Ravka.”

“Tell us where he is.” Mal demanded. 

You moved to step forward again, but Nikolai stopped you once more and sent you a warning  look. 

“No, no, no. That would be a very bad idea.” David said, clearly afraid. 

“You can’t expect us to trust you unless you’re willing to share information.” Alina piped up. 

“Confronting him would be suicide. Kirigan used merzost to create something in the Fold. Creatures that do his bidding. The size of two men! Formed of pure shadow! They have no breath to take, no heart to stop, no blood to drain, yet they live. They live and they kill. They are nichevo'ya.” He said quietly. 

Nothings. Your Ravkan was weak, but you understood what he said. 

“Bullets, blades, fire, all simply pass through.” David breathed, “and they all walk freely in sunlight. I fear that merzost may be the only way to kill them.” David finished and then his eyes flickered over to you. You gave him a small smile.  

A look of surprise and then terror washed over his face and he blinked a few times. 

“So how did you manage to get away, then?” Mal asked. 

David struggled to answer Mal and he let out a tired sigh, “Genya. We tried to escape together, but the nichevo'ya… She sacrificed herself to get me out. I don’t know if she survived.” David said, on the verge of tears. 

You felt sadness for him and you gently grabbed Nikolai’s arm and looked up at him with a frown. He gave you a look of sympathy and then he let out a sigh, puffing his cheeks out. 

“A smart spy will always play the victim.” Tolya pointed out. 

“No, no.” David whispered desperately. 

“You make a valid point, Tolya.” Nikolai said and you pulled on his arm, “As leader of the Second Army, Alina, this is your call.” He said slowly. 

“I trust him. With my life.” You said quickly and suddenly all eyes were on you. 

You felt a bit nervous and your brother gave you a sharp look but you let out a sigh and shook your head.

“I wouldn’t be here right now if it weren’t for David. He helped me escape the Darkling.” You explained vaguely, looking over at the terrified Durast.

“Take him to a holding cell.” Alina finally said and you felt your face fall. 

“Alina-“ you began, but Nikolai gently grabbed your arm and he shook his head. 

“We can discuss this, but not here.” He said firmly, but the kindness in his voice never left. 

You met his eyes and stared at him for a while before you finally nodded. You knew you’d be able to talk some kind of sense into Nikolai, and in turn, he’d likely be able to talk some into Alina. David wasn’t a bad person, you knew this wholeheartedly, and you also knew indefinitely that if he claimed to not be here on the Darkling’s orders, then he certainly wasn’t. 

“We need a moment alone.” Mal piped up and you and your brother both turned to him. 

Nikolai’s eyes flickered between Mal and Alina for a moment and then he nodded. 

“Of course,” he said and offered his arm to you, “come, sister. You and I can also speak privately.” He remarked. 

You gently took your brother’s arm and he led you down the hall towards his makeshift office. Once the two of you were securely inside, he closed the door and he looked down at you. 

“Alright. Tell me everything you know about David Kostyk.” Nikolai said patiently and walked towards his desk. He sat down in the chair that was placed in front of the wooden desk and he folded his arms, looking up at you expectantly. 

“David is a friend. He is the one that created the collar for Alina and he did put the amplifiers in both my husband and her, but you must understand, he had no choice. He regretted that choice. He’s the one that aided me in my escape. He came to the Darkling’s tent and he gave me a disguise and he let me run.” You explained and wrung your hands together. 

Your brother seemed to consider this and then he gave you a little nod before he raised one eyebrow. 

“You’ve never mentioned this before.” He stated and leaned forward a bit in his chair. 

“I didn’t want it to get back to the Darkling. He would’ve hurt David.” You said and then walked to Nikolai’s desk. You laid your hands down  against the desk’s cold, wooden surface, and you let out a sigh, “Look, if he’s alive like David says, then we need everyone we can get. He’ll come for Alina.” 

Nikolai nodded once and then seemed to be lost in thought for a moment before speaking again. 

“He’ll likely come for you, too, you know.” Your brother remarked and slowly rose from his chair. 

“I disagree. I think he values Alina much more. I’m dead to him. He gave me an opportunity to join him and a promise that my life would be misery if I didn’t. He’s making good on the promise, reuniting with me would be nonsensical.” You reasoned. 

Nikolai shrugged and dragged a hand through his blonde hair, “You aren’t in the clear just because you ran, y/n.” He mused and then stood up, “I’m going to have a word with Alina about Mr. Kostyk. Why don’t you wait here for me?”

He suggested. 

You gave him a little nod and then you sat down in one of the armchairs near the desk. 

“Can I see him? I consider him a friend, Nik.” You murmured softly, feeling sadness grow in the pit of your stomach at the thought of David in a cell. 

“I… don’t see that being much of an issue eventually.” He answered and walked towards the door, patting your shoulder reassuringly as he passed you. He left the office and closed the door behind you, leaving you in the silence of the empty office. 

-

Nearly an hour and half had gone by according to the clock that sat on Nikolai’s desk, and no one had come back to the office. At first you spent your time rifling through papers in Nikolai’s desk, but you found nothing of interest, so you’d sat back down in the uncomfortable armchair you had initially been in. 

Now you sat, spinning your sparkling wedding ring around your middle finger. It was a band of thin rectangular diamonds framed in gold. It was missing one stone, and you assumed it had gotten lost when Vasily threw your ring across the hallway weeks ago. It wasn’t noticeable, though. You just wore the part with the missing stone on the back of your finger, hiding it from sight. 

You pulled the piece of glimmering jewelry off of your middle finger and slipped it on your ring finger, holding your hand up in front of your face to see. It fit much better around your ring finger, as it was intended to spend the rest of its days upon that specific finger. While it fit on your middle finger, it was slightly too tight and oftentimes you had to slip it off in the mornings when your hands were swollen. 

You admired the way the ring sparkled in the sunlight that filtered through the window and you smiled just a bit, wiggling your finger. 

Just then, the door swung open and you lowered your hand quickly before turning around to see Nikolai standing in the doorway. 

“I didn’t mean for that to take so long, my apologies, little sister.” He hummed and then let out a little laugh, “you could’ve left, you know.” He remarked. 

You rose from the uncomfortable armchair and walked over to your older brother, shaking your head. 

“Punctuality was never your strong suit.” You replied and smiled up at him. 

“Well, to be fair, I didn’t give you a time frame.” He quipped and then he smiled down at you, “Alina spoke to David. She’s deemed him trustworthy enough, which is good. If you still wish to speak with him still, I can take you to him.” Nikolai offered. 

You nodded vigorously at his offer and you gave him a small smile, “I’d really like that.”

Nikolai swept his arm towards the door and motioned for you to exit his office and you did so with a certain excitement. He led the way downstairs and through a few winding halls before he pushed open a door and stepped inside with you. 

You hadn’t been in this area before, and it was apparent why. The walls were shabby and there was dust everywhere, settling over everything. Nikolai walked towards a row of doors down a hallway that was in the same condition and he unlocked one and opened it up. 

As the door swung open, you shuffled into the doorway to be met with the disheveled face of David Kostyk inside. His eyes lit up when he saw you and you slowly turned around to look at Nikolai who stood behind you protectively.

“Nik, can we have a moment?” You asked softly and turned around to look up at your brother. 

He looked into the makeshift cell for a moment and then studied David and gave you a short nod. 

“Okay. I’m not leaving this wing though.”

You nodded and watched as he made his way back down the hall before you walked inside of the cell and gave David a little smile. 

The Durast gave you a small, awkward wave due to the shackles on his wrists that held his hands apart and he seemed to relax tenfold. 

“I didn’t expect to see you here,” he began, taking a step towards you, “I kind of hoped you would’ve ran somewhere besides Ravka.” He confessed and let out a very small laugh. 

“I didn’t really know where else to go.” You admitted and then shook your head, “But it’s really, really great to see you, David. I was worried that perhaps something happened to you. Or that you’d given your loyalty to the Darkling. Neither were necessarily preferable.” You said with a slight shake of your head. 

You turned around and slowly pushed the door closed so that it was only open about an inch and you turned back to David, letting out a quiet sigh. 

“He lives?” You asked, voice barely above a whisper. 

David eyed you with trepidation and finally nodded just once. 

“He does.” He confirmed, his lips tugging themselves downwards into a frown. 

“I don’t understand how that’s possible, Alina told me he was swarmed by volcra.” You folded your arms over your chest and looked up at David. 

David was never an overly confident presenting man to begin with, always holding himself with gracelessness and awkwardness, but he seemed smaller than usual now. He seemed almost fragile. He seemed much less awkward and instead afraid. He seemed to shrink back a bit at the topic and he pursed his lips and looked down into your eyes. 

“He used very dark forces to keep himself alive.” He said slowly, eyes shifting away from yours, “I really wish you would’ve run away. Out of Ravka, y/n. There isn’t a safe place in this country. Not anymore.” 

You kept your eyes on his face and you shook your head a couple of times, “I couldn’t abandon my family, David-“

“He’s not going to stop until he finds you.” He interjected sharply and then looked up at you with furrowed brows, “You were practically all he spoke about. If he wasn’t rambling on about his nichevo'ya or Alina, he was talking about you. He’s completely obsessed.” 

You blinked a few times and then shook your head, as if that would make what he said less true. 

“Let him obsess over finding me and delivering punishment for my ‘transgressions’ against him. It doesn’t mean he will.” You said in a small voice. You were unsure if you believed it, though. 

“No, it was nothing like that. He’s reached a state of limerence, Princess. It’s a madness that I never thought I’d see in him. He has himself convinced fully that he’s going to rescue you from your family and put you on a throne next to himself. He still wears his wedding ring.” David explained, leaning his back up against the wall behind him. 

Your ring seemed to burn through your skin when you heard this, and you realized you’d not moved it back onto your middle finger. Slowly, you clasped your hands behind your back, wanting to keep your hand out of sight now. 

“I don’t understand,” you whispered, “he said that if I didn’t take his side that I’d be a traitor.”

David seemed to hesitate as he looked up at you and he pressed his lips together until there was no trace of them on his face. He finally swore under his breath and fidgeted with his fingers. 

“I think that at one point, he loved you. But I think that love became… an obsession. Something he clung to in a way that simply cannot be healthy.” He said slowly, tapping on the wood that held his hands apart. 

You could tell this conversation was making him uncomfortable and you felt a bit guilty for bringing it up. 

“What does that mean, David?” You asked, despite a little voice in the back of your head telling you to drop it. 

“I think it means that you need to get out of Ravka before he comes searching,” he paused for a moment and then shook his head, “because I worry that if he does find you again, you won’t be able to say no to him.” He said reluctantly. 

You narrowed your eyes at David and you shook your head, “I’m very capable of resisting him. I ran from him once, I could do it again.” 

David very slowly shook his head and he nodded towards you, swallowing one time, nervously. 

“You still wear your ring, too.”

“Not because-“

“You don’t have to rationalize it to me, Princess. No one could blame you for missing the man you married. You relied upon him for comfort and protection for a while. You two had a very strange and unique bond. I’m sure that hasn’t been forgotten by you. While I don’t doubt your capabilities, Princess, I can’t in good conscience undermine his ability to crawl underneath your skin.” David stated in a shaky voice, as if he were afraid of your reaction.  

He had a point, and you couldn’t deny that. Many times he’d found a way to make you give in to him, always knowing what would make you soften. He always used kind words and gentle touches to persuade you to see things from his perspective, always saying just what you wanted to hear from him. He would promise you he loved you, assure you that you were safe with him, he’d give you the affection and adoration you had sought after, and time after time, it proved effective.  

He was a master of manipulation, you knew it. Everyone did. 

Your eyes flickered to David and he gave you a sympathetic look, chewing on the inside of his cheek anxiously. 

“I will not let him.” You finally answered, eyeing David with the same trepidation he had looked at you with earlier. 

David shrugged slightly and he shuffled his feet uncomfortably. 

“I’m not sure you’ll have a choice if he finds you.” He mumbled and then he looked around the room, avoiding your eyes, and just like that, you realized you’d lost another friend. 

Your nose twitched and you realized that you’d really lost everyone. Your mother, your father, Vasily- even if he was truly insufferable. You’d lost your country’s favor, you were sure to lose Nikolai at this rate, and you seemingly already had lost David. 

You lost Aleksander, too.

The thought hit you out of nowhere and you almost jumped by the way it had startled you. 

Everything he had said would happen if you didn’t take his side, was happening, and you weren’t too sure how to handle it.

On one hand, you wanted to let it all roll right off your shoulder, to come off as unbothered and in control. On the other hand, though, you wanted to lash out and condemn everyone who had turned their back on you just because of him. 

But the truth was, you weren’t in control, and you weren’t unbothered. Everyday became more difficult and everyday brought more accusatory stares. Some from Grisha, some from Mal Oretsev, most from your parents and Vasily, and some from a few of the First Army soldiers that came in and out. Now, you felt the same stare from David as he watched you from where he stood against the wall. 

It was almost as if he was hearing you work all of this out in your head. You didn’t think he’d ever say it but you wondered if he was thinking “I told you so”. 

What was the point of trying to prove everyone wrong when even the truth of the matter wouldn’t sway their convictions? Your case fell on a faulty jury, your judgment was passed by a thousand unjust judges. 

Your truth wasn’t the truth they had decided on for you, and to them, it was just a story. A way to save face. 

It didn’t matter what you said now, didn’t matter who you swore allegiance to. You were whatever they made you, and they made you more and more a villain everyday. No amount of reassurances and support from Nikolai could erase that. 

The realization that your reputation was now as tainted as your husband’s made your eyebrows knit together in frustration. You slowly lifted your eyes up to David and you gave him a disparaging frown.

“I best be going.” You mumbled, not waiting for a farewell from the boy. 

You turned on your heel and marched out of the cell, closing the door behind you with a force you didn’t fully intend on. You squared your shoulders and made your way back to the hallway where Nikolai stood and he gave you a small smile when he saw you. 

“That was a little bit more brief than I expected.” Nikolai noted, stuffing his hands into his coat pockets. 

“I heard all I needed to hear.” You replied, shortly. 

“I take it by your tone that it wasn’t exactly what you wanted to hear.” He prodded, taking a step towards you. 

You shrugged complacently.  

“It never is.” 

[dindjarinbae]

Arthur Harrow was born October 17th, 1977. Deal with it.

[dindjarinbae]

PEDRO PASCAL AND OSCAR ISAAC MATCH ICONS (part 1)

<3 or reblog if u save it.

[dindjarinbae]

PEDRO PASCAL AND OSCAR ISAAC MATCH ICONS (part 2)

<3 or reblog if u save it.

[dindjarinbae]

MORE OF PEDRO PASCAL AND OSCAR ISAAC MATCH ICONS.

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[dindjarinbae]

pedro pascal & oscar issac

[dindjarinbae]

I just finished listening to Taylor Swift’s new album, Tolerate It hurt really bad. Please some sad Din content based off of that song, and I beg, angst and no happy ending

bestie, this is so late. i’m so sorry </3

this shit hurted to write but that’s okay, i tried my hardest to stay true to the request. anyways here you go!!

warnings: NONE, just sad

word count: 1.3k

—

The first day you realized something was truly off was the day it was too late to do anything about it. Perhaps, in short moments in passing before now you felt like something was fleeting, fading, waning away from your grip.

The thing slipping from your grasp was Din.

It was a chilly night on the planet of Eadu, and rain was falling loudly against the Crest. You should’ve been sleeping and he should have been as well, but you were both awake while the only one on board getting any rest was the sleeping baby in his little pram across the way. You sat with your legs dangling over the edge of Din’s bunk and you watched him from the other side of the hull. He sat casually on a crate that had been turned upside down and he read about his bounty from a blue-tinted hologram. If he noticed your stare, he didn’t acknowledge it or invite you to come sit with him like he used to. That was the first time you realized something was amiss.

You’d always wondered if you two would last, and it seemed like the test of time had been passed, but unforeseen things happen, and this was unfortunately one of those things. He was older than you, by over ten years, he’d confirmed indefinitely once, but never gave you more than that. You speculated that you were looking at a nearly thirteen or fourteen year gap, and that made you nervous, but he assured you, it was nothing to worry about, that he didn’t care.

But now it was like he did.

The second time you noticed it was when his protective little quirks became less romantic and more like you were another child he had to take care of. He scolded you, reprimanded you, and would often correct you in patronizing ways, like a father to his child. You easily picked up that it was the same tone he used with Grogu.

Oh yes, it seemed he was only simply... tolerating you at this point.

The third time was the first time you’d ever felt so alone in his presence, and it came to pass that it wouldn’t be the last. He had been gone for two days, out on the desolate planet of Jakku, leaving you and the kid alone and bored in the ship, giving him no option but to nap his time away and giving you no option but to pass the time by cleaning the ship thoroughly, making it practically sparkle. And when you heard the door opening two days later, you jumped to your feet to greet your bounty hunter with a warm and proud welcome, only to be tentatively hugged, patted on the back, and brushed past, his beskar clad shoulder bumping yours. Not even an apology was spoken.

Tears built up in your eyes while frustration and loneliness built up in your heart, and you marched to the cockpit to talk to him.

As soon as you entered the cockpit, you sunk down in the copilot’s chair and you stayed there in silence, waiting for him to recognize your presence.

He never did.

So you took it into your own hands.

Thoughts of elaborate ways to word your concerns and lighthearted pre-conversation were all flushed away by your first round of tears and you gasped his name.

Now, he turned to you. Now he acknowledged your presence next to him in the cockpit. Nonverbally, of course.

“What is wrong? What is happening to us?” You ask, desperately begging for an answer from him, and part of you wished he’d lie to you, but the other part wanted honesty.

He gave you neither and just stayed silent, the tail ends of a sigh passing his vocoder and he hung his head just a bit, laying his hands down on his thighs.

“Please.” You begged again, reaching up to pointlessly wipe your eyes. It didn’t matter, more tears fell.

It was a long moment of silence before he spoke, his head still hung, “Y/n... Sometimes, things don’t always go the way we want them to go.”

“That’s not an answer!” You cried and shook your head, not having the will to look at him, “Please just tell me this is in my head, that I’m being crazy, Din. Please.”

“I’m sorry.” You heard him whisper and then fall silent again. Your hands shook and you stared down at them, your tears melting everything together to be seen as a blur, and you couldn’t seem to breathe.

“I’ll take you back to Coruscant. I’m sorry.” He mumbled and turned back to the control panel, staying characteristically silent as he moved the ship up into the atmosphere.

You numbly stood up and stumbled your way back into the hull, trying to put as much distance as you could between you and Din.

The ride to Coruscant was silent, and if the baby was awake, he didn’t make any noise. You sat on the same crate he did when you first noticed something was wrong, and you clasped your shaking hands together.

Truth be told, you weren’t ready to lose him. How could you be? He’d saved you, he’d loved you, he’d given you loving sanctuary when you needed it most, and he’d become your home when you couldn’t bear yours. You wondered what made him want to pull away, what made his love wane, what weakened, cut, and then stomped on the string of gold that held the two of your hearts together as one. Surely, you couldn’t have felt that alone. It had to have been reciprocated... right?

Perhaps hours had passed while you sat on that crate, maybe seconds, days, years, you didn’t know. But finally you felt the familiar shake of the landing gear, and when you felt the jolt of hitting the ground, your head slowly raised. Din had already climbed down the ladder and was opening the door for you, and you scurried past him, wanting to get back to your old house and cry.

But his hand caught your wrist and he looked into your teary, red eyes.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered.

You yanked your wrist from his grip and you stared at him for a moment more before letting out a cruel, sad laugh, and you ran off, away from him, off of the ship, into the deep city of Coruscant.

—

The first time Din found himself regretting making you leave was when he stood in some run down, shady little market on the Ring of Kafrene. At first, he felt like he made the right decision, because of course, this was no life for a beautiful person such as yourself. He’d be your downfall, your death, he brought danger. You didn’t deserve that. But there he stood in a shabby marketplace when he saw a vendor with a bouquet of your favorite flowers. The kid picked up on this, and he whined, because arguably, he missed you even more than Din.

The second time that he realized he wanted you to come home to him was when the child began to wail while they were on the ship, traveling back to Nevarro. As much as he tried, he couldn’t get the baby to quiet down like you could with your gentle voice and motherly disposition, your kind smile and gentle touch, feather light across his skin... Oh yes, he missed you like he’d never missed anyone.

And the third time? The third time he decided he missed you was the first waking moment from a dream about you. A dream where the two of you were happy, together, you were holding his hand and he was holding you.

But the third time hurt the most because he realized that it was by his own hand, because of his own doing that he could never get you back. He could never fix the millions of pieces of your shattered heart that were scattered all over his ship, out the door, and made a trail all the way to Coruscant.

So now, all he could do was sit back, watch his mistakes, and simply tolerate it.

#star wars #fanfiction #din djarin x reader #the mandalorian x reader #din djarin imagine #din djarin x y/n #the mandalorian x y/n #the mandalorian x you #mando imagine #baby yoda #baby grogu #star wars x reader #star wars imagine

[dindjarinbae]

markings- obi-wan kenobi

paring: obi-wan kenobi x reader

rating/genre: g/fluff

warnings: doesn’t follow cannon, light mentions of padawan/master relationship (everyone is of age!), brief mention of injuries

nicknames: y/n, young one, padawan

summary: an injured y/n doesn’t follow orders and get hurt

Being a Jedi was hard work. Sometimes it seemed like the whole galaxy was after you, but at least you had your best friend, and master, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You had been Obi-Wan’s padawan after Anakin and grew to find him quite charming. You knew nothing was ever going to happen after all this is Obi-Wan Kenobi we are talking about. Mr. Stickler for the Jedi code. Being on your own was a rough reality check, but you got through it nevertheless.

The war was still pipeing hot, and everyone knew it was going to be awhile before it settled down. Count Dooku was able to always be one-step ahead of the Jedi. The Jedi Council sent you to investigate a stolen Republic ship that was pinging off of an outer rim planet. Alone with only your R3 unit to keep you company, you flew out. Commander Cody and his men weren’t able to assist you, since Anakin took them with him on a flashier mission.

As you were drifting in and out of your imagination while flying, until an incoming call from Master Kenobi came in.

“How’s the flight coming along,young one?” Kenobi’s angelic voice rang out over the intercoms.

“The flight is going quite well. Just a little boring. Shouldn't be too long before I land.” you answered back stifling a yawn.

“Are you well rested?” Obi-wan’s voice had a hint of worry.

“Yes, Master.” your voice was firm. You couldn’t let Obi-Wan know that you were up all night nursing a blaster wound. Speaking of which, you were soon going to need to steal some bandages from the medical unit soon.

“Are you sure, y/n? I need you to have a clear head throughout this whole mission.”

“I’ll be ok, Master. Don’t worry. I’m landing soon.” With that you clicked off the call. Now that you had thought about your blaster wound you could feel the swelling and heat radiating off of it. You sustained the injury while fighting Sepertist droids on Naboo. One of their blaster shots got past your lightsaber and grazed your thigh. You fought through it. You couldn’t let anyone know that a droid had hit you. Maybe it was a pride thing, but you were going to keep it hidden as long as you could. It’s easier than you think, swiping badges from medical units and cleaning it in the comfort of your own quarters; no one had suspected a thing.

R3 beeped as your ship got closer to the planet. “We are right on time, R3.” you smiled at yourself and your droid. This mission was going to be a breeze. You safely landed the ship, and jumped out to look around. “Stay here and guard the ship.”

As you looked around you started feeling an unbalance in the force. Something was very off. Your thigh was still aching as you climbed over rocks to try and find the Republic jet. The unbalanced feeling was not going away. Looking down at your wrist where the coordinates were being displayed through a hologram; you were supposedly right next to the ship. that when a blast went right past your ear. It was a trap. One you feel right into. You really needed to work on trusting the force more.

Squads of Sepertist droid were advancing shooting at you. You quickly drew you green lightsaber, and got to work. You went through the motions Obi-wan taught you. Block all the shots. Making sure you can control the situation, before you advance. The words of your Master were ringing through your head. The droids were terrible shots. You advanced and was able to cut them all down in seconds. “R3, send my corrdances to Master Kenobi. Make sure he knows it's a trap!” you commanded into your comms system. Quickly you hid behind a boulder before the second fighting squad could see you. There were too many of them for you to fight alone and hurt. You had no reinforcements. Yet, you felt this need to see who was behind this.

You snuck up on the droids and took them down. Sweat covering every inch of your body. All your bones were aching, but you needed to keep fighting. Your comms system started to ding, and you knew it was going to be Obi-Wan. “Hello Master. It seems I have fallen into a trap.” you recapped him.

“y/n you need to get out of there.” Obi-Wan's voice sounded worried again.

“But Master, I need to find out who is behind this.” you pleaded with him.

“That is a hard no. Get out of there. Now!” Obi-wan’s voice was harsh and you knew you needed to listen to him. Quickly you turned off your comm, and crawled from rock to rock getting closer to the base. You could hear droids talking amongst themselves.

“Where is the Jedi?” one voiced their robotic tone, “You! look over there.”

“Roger, Roger”

“And you! Look over there.” The boss droid was pointing around in different directions.

“Roger, Roger”

There were so many droids, and they were all over. As they did what they were told. One small group started looking around the area you were hiding in. Using the force you moved a small pebble; you were hoping that the droids were dumb enough to follow it to a place you could you could quietly kill them. Your comms system was constantly glowing red, and you knew you were going to get an earful when you got back to the base.

“Hey what’s that?” one of the droids asked. They all started chasing after the pebble. Walking straight into your lightsaber. That was the easy part, now to get inside the base. Except, you didn’t have to. General Grievous decided to make your job easy. He stormed out of the base; knocking droids over as we went.

“How did you imbeciles lose the Jedi?” Grievous yelled in anger. He was seething, and this settled your curious nature.

“R3, Start up the jet. I’ll be back soon.” you said into your comms. You moved as quietly and quickly as you could.

“There she is!” a droid shouted. Shit. You needed to get out of here. Your thigh felt as if it couldn’t hold your body, but you had to trust it. You stood up fully, and started running as fast as you could.

“R3! Move the jet closer!” You yelled into your comms. Blasts were going past your whole body. R3 did as he was demanded, and parked himself and the jet a couple feet away. As you were climbing into the small ship you were grazed by another blaster shot to the thigh. You screamed in pain. You kept moving, and as soon as all of you were inside the chamber; you were flying into space.

“What the hell was that y/n?” you saw Obi-Wan’s hologram.

“Please wait to tell me off until I get back to base. Please Obi-Wan.” you pleaded yet again with him. His hardened eyes softened, and he slightly nodded his head before signing off.

The flight back was just as boring, and you spent most of it gathering your thoughts, and keeping pressure on your wound. There was no way to hide this one. It had reopened your other wound as well as making its own mark on your skin. You were in obvious pain; limping and whimpering each time little pressure was put on the thigh. You also looked at the rest of your body. Nothing too bad, except for the bright, red scratches on your right cheekbone and forehead. There were some bruises that had already formed on your arms and parts of your legs. You will yourself to keep pressure on your thigh; you would worry about the other things later.

As soon as you landed, Obi-Wan and Commander Rex were there to help you out. You swang your legs over the side of the jet, but as soon as your legs touched the ground you whimpered, and started to fall. Obi-Wan was there to catch you, holding you. “Rex, notify the medical droids we will be there shortly.” he ordered the clone. Rex left without saying a word. “Are you okay?” he asked with only worry in his voice. You softly shook your head no. He sighed deeply before picking you up carrying you to the medics.

“General Grievous was behind the attack.” you whispered to him.

“I suspected it wouldn’t be anyone important.” Obi-Wan said under his breath. “Don’t think about it right now. I need you to focus on getting healthy again.”

“Okay, Master.” you let your head drop into his chest. You felt safe. Nothing was going to hurt you.

Obi-Wan gently laid you down on the table for the medic droid to look over. You sighed when his arms left your body, but they quickly returned. He helped you take off your robes, looking you over himself.

“That wound doesn't look to be from today.” The droid pointed out.

“When did you get that one, my poor padawan?” Obi-Wan asked you, sounding slightly disappointed.

“When we were fighting in Naboo.” you whispered.

“We were in Naboo three days ago! Why didn’t I know about this?” he questioned.

“I couldn’t let anyone know a droid nearly shot me!” you exclaimed. Obi-Wan gave you a long, hard look before going completely silent.

“You should be healed in two weeks if you stick to cleaning it, and resting.” The droid sounded loud in the quiet room.

“Thank you.” Obi-Wan shooed the droid away. “I don't know what got into you! It’s okay to admit that you were shot by a droid! You should never keep an injury from me! You should also follow my orders. I know you aren’t exactly my padawan anymore, but I am still higher ranked than you, and you need to listen to me. I mean look at you. You're all marked up! What if it was worse? What if I lost you?” Obi-wan wasn’t giving you a chance to speak. “Maker, what would I do if I sent you on a simple retrieval mission and you didn’t come back?”

“Obi-Wan! I’m fine! I can handle myself! I passed the Jedi knight trials for makers sake! Why do you care so much? You wouldn’t have made this big of a deal if I was Anakin!” you poured out. You knew it was unfair to compare you and Anakin, but you were hurt and he needed to understand that you weren’t his helpless padawan anymore.

“It’s because I don’t love Anakin like I love you.” Obi-Wan confessed. His voice was now back to a low, caring tone. “I don’t think about Anakin, like I think about you.”

“I love you too, Obi-Wan.” you confessed back. Fuck whatever the Jedi council would think if they heard this. You were going to get better in the hands of the one you truly love.

The next morning you awoke in Obi-Wan’s quarters. He was awake staring at the ceiling, while slowly leaving delicate traces on your upper arms. “What’s keeping you up, love?” you asked him in a whisper. He looked down at your head on his chest.

“Nothing my love. Go back to sleep.” Obi-Wan kissed your forehead, and closed his eyes, falling back asleep. you weren’t able to fall back asleep until you could hear his steady heartbeat, and feel his leveled out breathing. Closing your eyes you fell back asleep in his arms. Forever feeling safe and sound in his arms. It was going to take you a couple weeks to get better, but at least you had Obi-Wan to take care of you.

finished.

[dindjarinbae]

guys if i made a multi chapter din x reader would it get read and appreciated or ignored? because i would like my heart to stay in one piece. feedback would b greatly appreciated my loves

#din djarin x reader #the mandalorian x reader #din djarin imagine #din djarin x y/n #the mandalorian imagine #the mandalorian x you #star wars #mando imagine #din djarin #fanfiction

[dindjarinbae]

oh. yeah. that’s nice. we wet.

SEASON 2, EPISODE 5

The Enemies of My Enemy

[dindjarinbae]

and that’s just on period, girls.

The executive orders Biden signed on his first day in office: 1. Requiring masks and physical distancing on federal property

2. Halting the US’s withdrawal from WHO

3. Creating position of Covid-19 Response Coordinator to manage vaccine distribution

4. Extending eviction/foreclosure moratorium till March 31

5. Extending the student loan payment pause till September 30

6. Rejoining Paris Climate Accord

7. Cancelling KeystoneXL and directing agencies to review Trump environmental actions

8. Rescinding Trump’s 1776 Commission which was the thing telling government agencies not to incorporate racial justice into their training

9. Preventing workplace discrimination of LGBTQ+ people

10. Requiring non-citizens to be counted in census and taken into account for congressional rep

11. Fortifying DACA

12. Undoing Trump’s expansion of immigration enforcement

13. Removing Muslim ban

14. Stopping border wall construction

15. Extending deferrals of deportation and work authorizations for Liberians with a safe haven in the US

16. Requiring exec branch employees to sign an ethics pledge

17. Undoing Trump’s regulatory approval process 

[dindjarinbae]

Four Words, Fourteen Letters (Din Djarin x reader)

requested by @insertcoolnamee:  DIN OWNS MY HEART that's all. Like you could write about Din dropping hints that he wants to marry the reader?

second request by anon: Hi could you please do a part 3 to All My Love series cuz OH MAN ITS TOO GOOD I NEED MORE SO MUCH MORE

okay hi so basically, i fused these two requests together and made this. i am so sorry it is so short but i am dying in recovery from surgery so pls forgive. im going to be working on other requests for the time being so my request box is still closed, but if you ever need anything, my message box is ALWAYS open. i promise im nice. OKAY LOVE U ALL.

WARNINGS: none, just fluffy

WORD COUNT: 1379

READ PART ONE HERE

READ PART TWO HERE

There was seldom peace on the Razor Crest. Usually the kid was causing some havoc or there was an unrelentingly annoying bounty, sometimes there was just Din getting grumpy, and then the times it was Grogu crying, which in turn would break your heart and you’d have to cry along with him. 

But not today. And Din was thankful for that. As he climbed down from the cockpit and let his eyes settle upon you and the sleeping baby in your lap as you sat on the floor against the wall, he realized something. He wanted you around forever.

He had always wanted you around, always. You made him happy, you and him shared so much love, he was simply full of bliss around you. But by forever... forever meant he wanted to put a pretty ring on your finger and have you take his last name. 

Din Djarin wanted to marry you. 

The only problem was that he didn’t really know how to ask. He had never been a very emotional person, and he’d never been good with words either. So he started very simple to see if you’d catch on. 

The first hint he dropped was two days later when the three of you were all walking off the ship on Nevarro to return a bounty to Greef Karga. He glanced over at you while you held onto the baby and he smiled underneath his helmet at the way you made sure to cover the baby’s eyes to keep the sun from irritating the fifty year old toddler. You turned your head and looked up at Din with a smile, “Look, I made him a little hat kinda.” You giggled. 

And sure enough, you did. You’d used one of your scarves to wrap around his little head and he looked like he was comfortably swaddled. He probably was. He adored you, there was no doubt about that. And there was also no doubt that he saw you as a mother. Din smiled underneath his helmet and he looked down at the two of you before taking a breath, “Every little guy needs a mother to make him a hat when it’s hot out.” He said pointedly and made a point to look at you intensely. 

If you noticed, you didn’t really say anything, and you giggled, “I guess so. It’s kinda hard with these ears, though.” You said and reached down to brush your thumb across one of his long ears, and he cooed, trying to reach up and grab at your fingers. 

The second hint Din decided to drop was a little more obvious, and it was while the baby napped down in the hull. You and Din sat in the cockpit, him in his pilot’s chair and you sat happily on his right thigh with your legs draped across his lap while you sat with his left arm in your lap. You sat with a clean cloth as you tried to buff a few scuffs out of his beskar vambrace while he watched your face admiringly.

“Y/n.” He said your name more as a statement than a question, and you turned your head up towards him. 

“Huh?” You asked lamely and he couldn’t help but chuckle. 

“Have you ever thought about marriage?” He asked quietly and traced one of his gloved fingers along the side of your leg as it rested over the tops of his. 

You thought for a moment and then you gave him a nod, “Yeah, I’ve thought about it. Have you?” You asked and looked up to where you imagined his eyes would be. 

It was Din’s turn to nod at you this time and you smiled a bit, contently turning back to buffing out his armor until it gleamed. He assumed that was the last of the conversation and he fell silent as he watched your delicate hands work to shine up his armor. 

Later that night after you had fallen asleep in his lap up in the cockpit, he carried you down to the bunk that you often shared with him and he laid you down before shedding his armor and his helmet. He crawled in right next to you and he wrapped both of his arms around your waist, tugging you back against him. You stirred a bit as the motion of being moved back and you placed both of your hands down against his wrists. You didn’t turn your head around because you felt his chin on your head and you sighed out contently. 

“Are you awake?” Din asked, quietly enough so that if you weren’t, you didn’t wake, but loud enough that if you were awake, you’d hear. You nodded very gently and you felt his arms tighten around you as he tugged you backwards until you were flush against his chest, “you shouldn’t be. Go back to sleep, it’s so late, y/n.” He scolded gently and placed a gentle kiss on the top of your head. 

“Well then why did you ask me if I was awake?” You giggled and shook your head, sighing out contently at the feeling of the gentle kiss he left on top of your head. 

He didn’t answer but he let out a sigh as well and you brushed your thumbs over his wrists and turned your head back to place a small kiss on his chin, his facial hair tickling your chin and lips, “Getting a little furry, Mister bounty hunter, perhaps you should shave tomorrow night.” You teased and he only laughed in reply and buried his face in your neck, placing a few kisses against the skin just below your jawline. 

 You giggled while the scruff on his face tickled your neck and you rolled over so that you were facing him, “I love you, you know.” You said happily and tapped around his face in the dark to find his lips before you leaned in and pressed a little kiss upon them. He pulled back and let out a quiet breath before he reached for your hand and held it tightly in his own. 

“Of course I know. And I love you. I love you very much, in fact. I want you in my life forever, I daresay.” He whispered and you felt the slight tremble in his hand. 

He was nervous. He knew it was now or never, because you weren’t taking any hints and he was gonna chicken out any other time. What others would’ve described as butterflies in their stomach, he would describe as a million kicking children. His heart beat heavily and quickly in his chest and he felt the words tumblr from his lips before he could even think them through:

“I want you to marry me. I want to marry you. Will you marry me?” He blurted and it felt like time stopped. The bunk around you two seemed hotter and he felt almost dizzy with excitement and terrible, sickening anticipation, while you, on the other hand, were screaming inside of your head. Truly, you wanted nothing more but to marry Din Djarin. You knew in your soul that he was the one person you would love until time ran out and the infinite universe swallowed up the galaxy, sniffling it out like a small flame. It was four words. Fourteen simple letters. But he was petrified.

The silence scared him and he almost recanted his words, ready to gloss them over with assurance that he was only teasing before your arms slung around his neck and your lips were upon his. 

“Yes, yes, I’ll marry you. Of course I’ll marry you.” You breathed against his mouth and pulled him down for a deeper kiss. 

He had to pull away, breathlessly, so that he could smile and catch his breath. His heart was still racing like a herd of running orbaks, and he nodded, “I love you. I cannot wait to call you my wife. To raise the kid with you. To show you my face.” He breathed, and you were over the moon, arms still tightly wrapped around his neck. 

As you laid there in silence together, your lips repeatedly finding each other’s, he had one thought cross his mind:

y/n Djarin. 

Yeah. He liked that.

#din djarin x reader #the mandalorian x reader #the mandalorian #din djarin #baby yoda #mando x reader #the mandalorian imagine #din djarin imagine #mando imagine #mando x y/n #din djarin x y/n #the mandalorian x you #fanfiction #star wars #the mandalorian fic #din djarin fic

[dindjarinbae]

oh ow

the whole galaxy

[dindjarinbae]

the helmet’s off

[dindjarinbae]

codenamewitcher’s Weekly Fanfic Recs for Dec. 13, 2020 - Dec. 19, 2020

*please DO NOT read smut if you are under the age of 18!*

Din Djarin

Untitled Fic (Request) by @ive-been-quested​ Din Djarin x F!Reader, In order to try to get to know Din better, she tries to get him to play a game of questions and answers. Warnings: Brief language.

Blankets Over Barbed Wire (Oneshot, 2.6k words) by @mrpascals​ Din Djarin x F!Reader, The Reader isn’t getting enough sleep and in return starts to act different, and Din tires to help. Warnings: angst, hurt/comfort, and language.

For if I am not yours, what am I? (Oneshot) by @bratdjarin​ Din Djarin x F!Reader, Din and the Reader have trying to get pregnant, but things don’t go as planned. Warnings: angst, discussions of infertility and sex.

Commander Brown Eyes (Oneshot, 3.9k words) by @dindjarinbae​ Din Djarin x F!Reader, !!!S2E7 SPOILERS!!! the Reader tags along with Din and Mayfield in hopes to get Moff Gideon’s coordinates. Warnings: violence, S2E7 SPOILERS!!

All I could ever ask for (Oneshot, 1.2k words) by @carliehansonwya​ Din Djarin x Reader, After getting married, Din and the Reader have some important things to discuss. Warnings: none.

Blankets (Oneshot, 0.5k words) by @xjaywritesx​ Din Djarin x Reader, Din finds out the hard way that the Reader is a blanket hog. Warnings: none.

Willow (Oneshot) by @morganas-pendragons​ Din Djarin x Reader, SPOILERS FOR S2E6 Dispite their efforts, Din and the Reader loose Grogu. Warnings: S2E6 SPOILERS, violence.

Matchmakers (Oneshot, 1.4k words) by @sleepwithacommunist​ Din Djarin x F!Reader, Fennec and Fett try to get Din and the Reader to become a thing. Warnings: suggestive content

Waiting Up (Multiple Parts) by @auty-ren​ Din Djarin x F!Reader, honestly, its just a bunch of filthy smut. Warnings: S M U T, Dark!Mando but so far everything is consensual

Just Tired (Request) by @hogwartsismy-home​ Din Djarin x Reader, Din helps the Reader when they’re sick. Warnings: none 

The Last Time (Oneshot) by @imaginesfandom​ Din Djarin x Reader, S2E8 SPOILERS, Din and the Reader give Grogu away and wonder what is next for them. Warnings: S2E8 SPOILERS (that should be a warning in of its own after that episode.)

Maxwell Lord

I Don’t Want to Ruin That Pretty Face (Request) by @forever-rogue​ Maxwell Lord x F!Reader, Max pushes the Readers buttons. Warnings: sexual themes, Maxwell Lord.