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You might feel weak, broken and lost but that does not mean that you are. You need to realise that you are not your feelings and that you are not your thoughts. Your worth is not defined by the way you experience emotions or by the amount of times that you feel like failing. None of these negative feelings and none of these dark thoughts are a reflection of who you are, my love. You are so much more - and remember that all of those bad times will pass and fluctuate; your worth will not.
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can they like release new vegetables 
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Day 2 of not counting calories complete! The first day was terrible, but now I’m feeling proud :)))
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- not pro ANYTHING -
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How does one not binge or restrict ???
I’m trying to eat normal but... it’s either one or the other. Getting real tired of it tbh.
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First Post.
I'm not too sure how this works? Or where I begin? Ok, I know how this website works. I mean, hello my Pro-Ana Tumblr, how r u? I mean that I've never posted my shit on here before. So, I'm just going to do whatever feels right. I'll provide some backstory for you reading, (realistically probably no one is reading, but hey at least i can look back on my journey one day - hopefully lol.) Oh, and you can call me P. I guess I have to keep my identity private lol, we'll see how long that lasts! I developed my ED about two years ago, roughly. It started as a cute little weight loss plan I had come up with after I was innocently scrolling through Tumblr and had landed on some th1nspo, kept looking at the tag and found out calories existed!!! I had struggled for so long with the whole "I'm eating healthy why aren't I losing weight?????", thing. So, learning that I could count calories in a deficit and I'd lose weight indefinitely (the only time I've ever willingly engaged in science!) seemed like the best thing since sliced bread (which came to be the ONLY thing I would eat for a year). Oh, and that green tea and black coffee would be my best friend. I wasted no time. I decided on my calorie amount, I won't include it, just because I'm trying (and struggling) to get away from numbers whether it be calories, weight, literally anything. I kept counting, reached my goal weight, and it was time to stop. Yay, I can maintain my weight now, right? Wrong! I kept going, and why? I DON'T KNOW.  Suddenly, I was more confident, people were nicer to me, and I felt like I was finally the girl I'd always wanted to be. And then suddenly, every time I got on the scale, the number had to be lower. Every time I looked in the mirror, I was sure I had gotten fatter. Nothing was good enough. I stopped going out with friends. I stopped doing my uni work. I told myself NOTHING mattered more than being skinny. I did things I never dreamed I would do (I'm sure you can imagine). It got so bad that I had a mental breakdown - panic attacks you know how it goes. My mum sent me to the doctors. I got medication for my anxiety and, I was ordered to see a therapist, who I told about my eating problems. I don't know why I did, to be honest - I guess I was desperate. She made me get assessed by real eating disorder specialists, and what did I do? Lose more weight so I wouldn't be invalidated. Well, it worked. I was underweight and got accepted into an eating disorder recovery program. They diagnosed me with anorexia nervosa. And, honestly, It felt nice to know I wasn't making it up. But, knowing this broke me. I didn't want anyone to know. I was ashamed. And, as an only child, it hurt so bad to see how much I was hurting my parents. So, that's when I decided I would tell the woman who was guiding the recovery program, that I was ready to start (this was only three days ago btw). Now, obviously, I have missed out ALOT of aspects of my story. But, that's all I feel you need to know for now. Anyway, I told her I would sign up to the recovery record app and stop calorie counting on Monday. Because obviously, my pea brain can't start in the middle of the week! It's Saturday now so, I'm fucking anxious!!! But yesterday and today I started by putting milk in my coffee and not measuring it. I did count the calories but still, this is a big deal for me. I also learned by doing this, that IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. I have cried looking in the mirror a few times since, but I'm still here, still breathing and believe it or not I'm not the size of a whale! That's all I've got for today folks, Idk what I'll write tomorrow, but let's all hope I really do this.
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The symptoms of mental illness don’t necessarily ever go away and I wish more people understood that part of it. My mind isn’t much quieter than when I entered treatment but I have developed the skills to handle the noise without destroying myself.
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