dokirider

[dokirider]

Same old mistakes

Summary: Alex having an emotional roller coaster on the passenger seat of Matt’s car. 

Warnings: angst, mentions of sex, drug use, overdramatic writing, hurt / no comfort, drunk Alex, broken Alex, swearing, it’s kinda shit

Words: 1.5k

A/N: It’s my point of view of love, but I wanted to share it “with the world” in this little drabble.

“Do you even know her name?” Matt asked harshly, gripping the steering wheel.

Alex blinked a few times, desperately trying to keep his eyes open, focusing on the road they went down, unless he’d have throwen up.

The answer was no, thought.

The silence was suddenly loud, shamelessly whispering all of his unspoken secrets to Matt, making him even more furious.

Of course, Alex know why was Matt so irritated over him, course he did - he got completely pissed for the third night in a row, fucked a random bird at the pubs bathroom and took something that he wouldn’t put his finger on - , but he was too far away to care.

“Then her hair color? Anything?” Matt asked. Can’t he just leave him in his own world for a minute, without bombing him with his stupid questions? 

It’s fine, Alex. You’re good at guessing. 

“Brown” he slurred out, making the other man sigh. 

“She was blonde, Al.” 

Fuck. 

Well, that means he just imagined her hair to be brown. Such a deep shade of brown, almost blackish, but It’s true color only shows when the sun is flowing through it. It was long, thick and healthy - it was in his messed up imagination -, and all he wished was that he could burry his face in the dark curls and inhale her scent untill he was suffocating in pure bliss-

And Matt spoke yet again, pulling him out of his daydream. “You can’t keep  doing this, Al. You seriously can’t.” he said while turned a street. The monoton bleeping of the turn signal made him shiver for no reason. All the alcohol he consumed was treatening to come back, and he started to feel the impact of that pill he got from a suspicius-looking guy. Although, there was a smiling face on the small pink tablet, all he wanted to do now was to curl into himself and cry. He heard that if you’re in a bad mood when the drugs starts kicking in, you certainly won’t have the best trip of your life. 

And he surely didn’t payed 10 quid and a cigarette to that guy to listen to Matt’s babbling about he should be more responsible with his actions, that being shitfaced every day wasn’t a healthy coping-mechanism and so on. He bought it to have a peace of mind, to slip into sweet ignorance with nothing, but her on his mind. And it was ruined by Matt just like his whole night. 

“Is it still about her?” said Matt, not moving his gaze off the dark road. Alex felt his vision blurry, the street lamps outside looked just like smudged stars. “You still couldn’t move on? It’s been like two months, Alex.” he was almost yelling at this point.

“No.. no, I moved on Matthew, I swear.” he was so high, it was a struggle to form a coherent sentence. “I was just having some fun, m’kay?

“You’re a bad liar even when you’re sober.” Matt said and let out a humourless laught. “You’re still in love with her, aren’t you?”

“Aren’t we all in love?” he slurred out with a dramatic sigh in the end. 

Oh no, Matt thought. He wasn’t prepared for Alex getting all emotional on the passseger seat, and right now he wasn’t willing to listen to his philosophic shit about the true meaning of love and stuff like that. Honestly, he wanted know Alex home safe and sound and fall back to his own bed, like he was before Nick called him in the middle of the night to drop Alex home, because he got black-out drunk, again. 

Shit. It’s stronger than I thought. 

It was strong indeed. Alex started to see different, new colors the he’d never seen before. He also saw her words appering in front of his eyes, his broken promises punching him in the face over and over again. Something flowed down his cheeks, but he wasn’t sure they’re his or her tears. He felt very little at the moment, realizing that how much of a prick he is. Nonetheless, the next day he’ll blame her for all of his problems, his bad decisions, saying that the mistakes he keeps making are all her fault. Like he always does. 

It’s a lot easier that way, isn’t it?

“But, no Matthew, no...” and the philosophic shit begun, thought Matt. “Love is just.. a game...” he continued, the heartbroken expression not leaving his face, despite that he had a distressed smile playing on his lips. The letters of his words slurred together, and his accent was thicker than it usually is. “and, apparently, I’m.. never winning.” 

A card game exactly. Exept, his opponent is her. And she’s a talented player, knows all the tricks, all the ways to guide him into her traps. You may ask, then who Alex is? He’s definitely the fool, the prey animal underneath her gaze as he miserably tries to keep her from leaving the game, clinging into every pathetic attempt to play another round with her. And It’s keeps going on, alwasy raising the prices higher and higher, untill he eventually says ‘all in’, his last chance to make everything right, to win. But, the victory is hers, just like his whole heart, and once you lose something, it’s hard to regain back. 

No, the tears were positively his. 

“Look, Al, I get it-” Matt started, once he got enough of Alex’s stare at the dashboard. He started to freak Matt out. “, a break up sucks and everything, but you’re killing yourself with this shit.” he continued as calmly as he could. “Can you even remember the last time you weren’t arsed?”

When he didn’t answered Matt put the air conditioning on, trying to ease the smell of tobacco, boose and bad desicions that was reeking out of his friend. Alex jumped in the seat as the cold air hit his face, making Matt even more worried. Did he just fallen asleep?

“I dunno’ man, It was, probably, like... two months ago, or sum’” he said, impressingly clear, and ran his hand throught his messed up hair, making an effort to keep himself awake. The truth was that, since his break up he had some troubles with sleeping, images of her haunting him is his favorite worst nightmares. “but, thanks dad, I really appreciate your concern.”

Whiny bitch. 

All of a sudden Matt was really comfortable with the idea of kicking Alex out of the car. 

He genuinely cared about him! He could leave him sleeping in a ditch or at some old lady’s front door. He didn’t say that Alex should erect a statue for him, because he drove him home whenever he got pissed, but a ‘thank you’ would have felt good. 

Matt’s grunt told his friend he had gone too far. But he only realized it the next day, when their whole conversation repeated in his head, well the bits he could  recall. Back at the car he heard Matt talking about something, - probably saying that he should be grateful for having friends who wouldn’t let him spend the night in a bush. 

The rest of the ride went in dead silence, this time it wasn’t loud. 

They approached at Alex’s house, he just was staring out of the windshield. Matt wondered what played in front of his eyes. Most likely her. He know when Al fell in love, he fell hard, but he only noticed how firm he had fallen, when his head bumped into the concrete floor. 

“We’re here, Al.” he said, when the situaton began to get awkward. 

“Whot? “ he jumped at the sudden noise. He took of his sunglasses and rubbed his eyes, his puppils blown up. Matt felt like some stupid cab driver. 

“We arrived.” he said as calmly as he could, unless he would have losen his composure. “Do you think you can make it inside alone?” 

“Yeah... sure, mate.” Matt doubted anyway, but he wanted to enjoy the show of Alex trying to get in his own house. “Um. Thanks for the lift.”

“Take care, Al.” he sighed, and started the engine as Alex stumbled out of the car. When he got out, he tripped over his own foot, and almost fell face into the pavement. 

“It was the last time. I swear. M, kay? “ he slurred out, leaning on the rolled down window. 

“Whatever you say.” Matt nodded, like he did the previous three times he said the same. 

“And, thanks for takin’ me home, mate.” he stood up, putting his sunglasses back on, not giving a damn It’s the middle of the night. 

“You’ve already told me.” he chuckled. Drunk Alex could be fun sometimes. 

“Did I?” he asked one last time, before turning his back on his friend and made his way to the door. Matt saw him bending over, probably picking up his keys. He was suprised he didn’t lost them this time. He reached into his pocket for his phone to text Nick Alex’s home safe. He then looked up and saw that the lights switched on in Alex’s living room. He put his phone away and drove off. 

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