I'm starting to believe I'm not meant to be happy for too long.
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I'm finally losing weight!!!
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Sometimes I want my life to be really fucking bad. Like getting abused and shit like that, because then I would have a reason to feel this bad. But now its just my brain making me miserable for no apparent reason.
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Oh you hate me? Well I hate myself more, so checkmate.
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Why am I not allowed to show him how much I love him the only way I know how to?
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I need to start losing weight for real now. I just need to remind myself about how good I'll feel when I'm under 30kg.
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People say they care about you, but they really don't. Or am I the one caring too much? Either way it hurts, so much
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Really wish I could drink today. But I've been sober for a few months now. And I don't want to disappoint my boyfriend.
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September
It's September 1st today. I hope this month will be a good one, weight loss wise.
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My hyperfixation is my fp, my fp is my bf. It's really difficult when I can't distract myself when he's not RIGHT BESIDE ME. I wish he knew how much I need him in the same room as me. I can barely stand him talking to other people when he's in the same room as me on a bad day. My mind goes instantly to "he doesn't care about me" "he doesn't love me."
Especially when he's talking with his ex's. I trust him when he says he's not cheating on me, but I think he still love them, and he probably does.
I'm in so much pain mentally that I have physical pain in my heart.
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I feel everything at once, but somehow I feel so, so empty at the same time.
It's worse when you're not here. You make the pain and nothingness bearable.
Our relationship isn't perfect, but I don't want perfect. I just want genuine, true love.
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I know I'm high maintenance, extremely high. But please, whatever you do, don't leave me. I could not handle losing the other half of myself.
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Because I have you
We met at one of my lowest points in life. I fell madly in love with you. As I got to know you more, my love grew stronger.
I'm getting bad again. I don't know how to tell you this.
Even though I'm getting worse, it's okay. I will be okay, because I have you.
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