dopaminergicaddictions

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/19/24-3/22/24 Excerpt Added at bottom

12:51 a.m

For a while I am leaving my dopaminergicaddictions blog just like this incase Elise looks at it. I spent over a hour writing that whole speel and idk if she's here everyday. Occasionally. Or only looked the day she blocked me on Instagram as a sort of confirmation that she read the book I wrote her or at least parts of it.

I want to make sure that I do everything I can so she might see that obsessive love diary post as this is my only way to communicate with her since she won't talk to me. And even still we couldn't be direct or honest about this stuff bc she's married.

Idk if she downloaded tumblr and made an account and can see everything but if she didn't upon loading up www.tumblr.com/dopaminergicaddictions

Or any tumblr, someone who is not a member cannot see more than a few posts. And I want to make sure if she ever comes to my tumblr she sees that post. I do think she's here but I'm writing that off as me being hopeful/psychosis. Part of me really does think she's here now but having psychosis makes me want to label everything that is not fact, a delusion just to be safe...

So with that being said. I am moving my writing over to

Www.tumblr.com/nathank77

If anyone wants to read my posts or if you're here Elise, that's where I'll continue to write. Some posts are older on that blog but anyways, that's where I'll be.

Thank you Elise for inspiring me to write. No one has ever made me write like you did. During the time we were talking, I started a book called Cannibal Wonderland. It's about 11 pages. I have since stopped, I stopped in like October bc of psychosis..... but yea I just wanted to say, if we never talked. If I didn't know deep in my heart you had, had feelings for me, I would have never started writing.

3/23/24

And to make matters worse, March 13th, marked one year since I saw you smile. Since I heard your voice. Since I looked into those beautiful blue eyes.

I remember the date. I remember how you did your hair. I remember how sad you seemed, now I know why. You were sad that I talked to you like it was Therapy bc I didn't know how to interact with you at that point but I wanted to interact differently. And mostly you were sad bc you knew that, that was probably going to be the very last time you ever saw me. Or that it was going to be the last time you saw me in years.

I think about that day a lot. And how I wish I was able to interact with you differently that day. How I wish I said that I do think people can fall in love over Webcam when you asked that question. How I wish I responded more thoughtfully about your husband's caveman rules. I wanted to but I didn't think it was my place to pass judgement.

Either way it was March 13th. And it's been over a year since I saw her. Since I saw the girl of my dreams. The girl that lives in my dreams now. I search for you every night in my dreams and I can't find you and if I do you ignore me. And If you talk to me you act like I'm just some no one who meant nothing to you.

No matter what I just want you to be happy. I just wish I could go back in time.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/15/24

12:59 a.m

Why do I still think Elise is my soulmate?

I can't turn it off. This isn't transference. This isn't obsession. This isn't some pathetic longing and idealization of her.

I've thought long and hard about it. I don't idealized her. Why? She's a mom. She has been Mia. When she did talk to me she didn't give me much of her time. I know if she was ever my girl, she would be busy. Her kids would always come first rightfully so and I'd never have an issue with it. I know that would mean she would only be able to spend limited time with me. She would have to cancel somewhat frequently. All that would have to happen is one of her kids has a stuffy nose. The school called one got sick or has lice. She can't make it to my party cause she had the kids this weekend. She was supposed to come over but her ex husband got sick and the girls had to stay at her house this weekend. I mean I can't idealize someone like that. I fully accept if she was ever my girl she would be absent to a certain degree until I met the girls they liked me and we eased me into the family slowly. I can't idealize you Elise. I want you to know that. If you were ever mine I expect your kids and your job to trump me. I expect limited time. And a lot of cancelations. I truly do not love the idealized version of you I created in my head. This is the version of you that lives in my head. You canceling and be unable to make things. It being a regular occurrence.. okay so now that that's out of the way.

Let's go into transference. We haven't been therapist/client in over a year... to be honest with you okay I found you attractive since day one. Feelings however Took time. I did have feeling for you when I was with Katie. I believe they developed around the last year before that it was attraction and a desire to know you personally as a friend.. the feelings I had for you when it could have been transference were there but were not deeply felt bc of the relationship we had. I felt them but I was able to turn them off. They existed but for the duration of our therapeutic relationship, they were basically blunted as I could not let it interfere with the relationship we had. Then we became not therapist and client, and everything that happened led to those feelings becoming very deep. By the time you asked me, "do you think someone can fall in love with someone over web cam?," I was in love with you. By June I was so in love with you I couldn't turn it off which is why things got weird... this rules out transference on my end for a reason.

Okay now let's go into obsession, obsession is defined as, "When someone is obsessed, they've lost control of their feelings about the object of their obsession. The adjective obsessed is often used to simply mean "very interested," but when someone is truly obsessed, their interest has become compulsive, and they've begun to lose control over it."

Or, obsessive love is defined as:

"1) Overwhelming attraction to one person.

2) Possessive thoughts and actions.

3) Intense preoccupation with a relationship.

4) Threatening the other person if they leave.

5) Extreme jealousy.

6) Repeated messaging via text, email, or phone calls.

7) Monitoring the other person's actions."

1) If we go over obsessive love for all intents and purposes, I wouldn't call my attraction to you overwhelming. I think you're the most beautiful woman I have ever seen... however, I find many other people attractive and if I could get any of them to swipe right on me and talk to me I'd move on and stop thinking about you romantically. I'd still think you're beautiful but it would turn off. For me attraction has facets, looks and personality.. personality is very important and I know your personality and that makes you even more beautiful than your outside appearance. Idk any other woman who I find attractive that I know as a person.

2) possessive thoughts and actions? That's laughable. I don't own you. I don't even get to know you. If you were ever my girl, I'd "let" you hang out with either of your ex husbands alone all hours of the night. I'd be okay with it which is why I put let in quotation marks. You're not mine and even if you were my girl you'd never be, "mine." Women are not possession. People are not possessions. You could be mine and do you. Hang out with whoever you want. Do whatever you want. I wouldn't be allowing you. I'd be okay with it bc I trust you.

3) preoccupation with the relationship-okay I can't say I'm not preoccupied with the idea of knowing you. We met eyes Elise. There was something special there and yea, I want to find out you genuinely meant everything you said.. until I get closure or meet someone else I'm going to be somewhat preoccupied with this relationship that doesn't exist.

4) threatening the person if they leave- I don't need to write anything here. I didn't threaten you ever and I never would. I want you to be happy if we were ever together and you weren't happy I'd want you to leave me so you could be happy. I mean that genuinely.

5) extreme jealously- I'm not even jealous that I'd have to spend time with your husband... I would play on xbox live with him and get to know him. I'd break bread with him. I want you to be happy that's all I care about.

6) repeated emails/texts/etc: okay I emailed you twice. Once at 6 months, once at a year, no texts. No phone calls. I messaged you on Instagram bc I wanted to reach out to you socially. You couldn't even get a harassment case on me with the amount of times I messaged you tbh. Not that you'd do that but my point is I reached out a normal amount of times considering the circumstances. If for example we talked socially and you said I don't want to talk to you ever again, I'd ask why, and I'd ask to talk it out and then bounce out of your life. Even if you were rude and didn't provide much of an answer.

7) monitoring the person's actions: okay I watched your Instagram as a ray of hope. I did look at your fb. I'm not going to tread and lie. This is an honesty post here. Why did I do those things? I thought you had feelings for me and you were going to show up for me. Your Instagram was a ray of hope, sunshine in my dark life to be able to see through your eyes. Also I have psychosis and I convinced myself we were empaths bc your Instagram and my tumblr aligned... I decided it was coincidental and to be fair, there were a lot of them but- when I originally followed you on Instagram. I did it to support you. I did it to stay connected to you. Then the coincidences started to happen and I developed psychosis. Forgive me for this one. There will never be any more coincidences considering you blocked my Instagram and I don't watch your social media pages. Sometimes I look you up, why?

I look into your eyes and remind myself you're professionally constrained. I remind myself that I think the girl across that Webcam meant what she said.

So I went over all the things that could explain my preoccupation with you.

The only real answer here is I'm in love with you. I fell in love with the girl across the Webcam. It's not obsession. It's not transference. It's not idealization..

It's true love. Of course it's unrequited. That's okay bc I want your happiness. Even if you'll only ever be happy without me in your life.

The soulmate thing I can't turn off. Why? The coincidences. The question you asked me over Webcam. The eye contact. The way you showed an interest in the things I loved. The way you changed me into a better person. Cause you really did.

Anyways I'm trying to turn it off. I just can't yet. Idk when I will be able to but I truly want you to be happy.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/14/24

7:49 p.m

About the only good news I have is this:

February 14th I weighed 200

February 16th I started Methimazole. Although I don't expect it to cure me of psychosis bc it was thc... it could still help by controlling my t3 and t4 and regulating my pituitary gland...

February 18th I weighed 193

March 13th I weighed 188

-All these weights were taking at the doctor's office for my Testosterone shot... 2 out of 3 of them on the same scale... the first and second..

- in 3 days I will be a month on methimazole. You tend to gain weight in the first 2 months and platue from 2-6 months. I've been on an intensive diet.

ITS WORKING. I lost 13 pounds in a month... so now if I gain the male average of 18 pounds- I'll be weighing at 206 pounds! Only 6 pounds heavier than I started.

I'm truly excited about that, I started dancing when I saw 188. At least all these expensive Protein bars are adding up to weight loss and everything I'm doing is actually working. It's nice to see that something I'm doing is adding up to something even though it's subtracting lol

But for all I know I'll stay here at 188. I can be happy at 206. I can be happy at 200. I would be happy anywhere in that range. I just got to stick the course.

Methimazole doesn't make you gain weight. Overeating to accommodate your overactive thyroid while your metabolism slows down at a very slow rate is why people gain weight. And I was proactive about it. And it's working.

-I expect to gain 18 pounds. And the more I lose the more it offsets how much my average weight becomes. I can be happy with 206. I know I'll platue eventually with weight loss even if I wasn't on methimazole...I am hoping to be one of the people who lose weight on methimazole or gains 5-7 pounds. Those people diet bc they panic about gaining weight.

At least something is going positive for me even if people still don't find me attractive.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/14/24

7:04 p.m Updated

I'm still feeling down. Erin canceled on me go figure it happens like every 2 weeks. I might do the support group in like 25 minutes.

I missed the support group, I thought it was 7:30-8:30 but I guess it's 6:30-7:30. I guess it wasn't meant to be.

John wants to play today but I'm just so depressed. I don't want to feel that hollowing alone feeling. I won't hallucinate much but- I'm not joking even though he never talks about his wife. And I mean never. I still feel so alone hanging out with friends. I'm so desperate I might go to meet up locations, spend all this money and expect disappointment... and maybe my personality can shine through to a pretty girl who is single who wouldn't have swiped on me in about 7-10 waste of money events just to travel..and I don't want to go in the woods until i recover it won't be peaceful. It won't be the same with a voice auditory hallucination...so i can't do hiking meet ups. It will just make me more depressed.

Also I struggled to fall asleep. I had to take hydroxyzine and Benadryl almost 3 hours later. I fell asleep by 8:30 or so... I only got 5 hours of sleep. The hallucination seems the same but as I get more tired I might lose my ability to focus and concentrate and it could get more intrusive.

The fucked part is back in day sleeping 5 hours wasn't even something I ever thought about. I'd be tired but there weren't ramifications like the hallucination driving me more crazy.. I guess I'll do laundry and melt my brain watching the simpsons...

I'm also freaking out about getting progressive lenses. I still got to get retested but I know i need reading glasses and distance. Bifocals have the lines... that'd drive me crazy... progressives make the most sense cause I don't read but I read my phone and shit while I game. So it would be convenient to get my ray bans in progressive.... for all day use.

My vision will go downhill.. I will have distorted vision in my peripheral vision in the glasses. My peripheral vision without glasses will be majorly blurry. I'm going to be immensely dependent on glasses and I won't have the option to take them off for a date or something if I ever get one. I'm scared of the head aches and everything. It can take 2 weeks to get use to them...

I mean I want to see everything clearly... and I want a girl to love me for me. You can get used to progressive lenses.. you just are immensely dependent on them. So idk what to do. Not to mention the cost. I'd get premium progressives to make the distortion area smaller...

All I know is I'm lonely. I wish I had someone to talk to. I'm tired, I want a friend a true friend and I want someone to relate to. I want a relationship, someone to befriend and grow into something significant..

I wish I could stop hallucinating and recover. I wish I could have my life back. That's too much to ask for. Everything is.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/14/24

12:02 a.m

Something I've noticed as a change for my constant auditory hallucinations is if I listen to chatter aka TV or podcasts or even sometimes when I'm in, "silence," is I hear it like, "screaming" it isn't louder. It's not really a scream.... in volume. It's more like an inaudible, "ahhhhh" like it wants to talk and can't verbalize. It has the same voice. I have been hearing it since the beginning of March.

I assume that is the voice "devocalizing." Like I said it's not loud... or louder. It's def not intelligent, creative or persuasive. It's not getting any quiter than a whispering echo though... it's the same volume but it's this weird, "ahhhhhhhhh" it's clearly trying to talk bc it's the same voice but it's unable to vocalize.

It's also like sometimes it can be really repetitive and I can focus on the screeching of the air conditioner the natural sound and I can turn the voice into the screeching making it sound like it's saying what it is saying but it sounds more nature and its easier to ignore, however I really have to try to do that. It takes focus and effort.

The voice is excessively repetitive and lacks intelligence. It's only intelligent when it repeats my internal monologue. Which it does like 50% of the time, it used to more. I have more quiet thoughts. I feel like that, "ahhh" is truly devocalization occurring. Maybe I'll recover one day but I'm not holding my breath.

I just wish i could meet someone be proven wrong that soulmates don't exist. And just love their children. Feel wanted, needed, be helpful. My hallucination would drastically lessen if I was not isolated and if I was surrounded by people. I've been trying to be social so I don't hallucinate as much, also I don't expect Kristen to lose her license. I don't expect to find a partner. I don't expect to recover. I expect to overdose tbh. It's coming. Especially if Kristen gets her life of luxury when I lost my ability to sit in silence and feel internal peace.

I'd say being a voice hearer was interfering with my ability to find someone but truly I don't even get through the swiping part... none of my personality is getting considered. I took trans off my profile, cause I'll never find someone with that at the top of my bio. Idk what I got to do to pass the swiping test.

I've given up on thinking Elise is my soulmate. What do I think?

She loves her husband, they are happy. I'm happy for them both especially her. I think she cares deeply about me and would be my friend but can't bc of professional constraints that will eventually not be a problem but for now they are. I expect I'll hear from her in 2 years minimum. Maybe 5 years maximum. I expect I may never hear from her.

I still love her, I still think she's my soulmate but not really cause soulmates don't exist. If soulmates existed she would be getting a divorce. If soulmates existed she would message me the only way she knows how. I expect if anything she's going to be my friend eventually and it'll be some insignificant nothing relationship. If I ever get married which won't happen cause no one would be stupid enough to do that, maybe she will be at my wedding smiling. I don't expect her to ever be my girl. I don't expect her to show up.

I do believe we had something special and i believe we may at some point in the future if I'm still here. I don't expect it to be romantic but I don't expect it to be fulfilling. My expectation is she will be like Katelyn or Tee. A BFF but it won't fill this hollowing aloneness anyways. I'll only have that filled by a partner.

I realized to not be delusional at all, I can't expect her to show up. I can't even think she has feelings for me. It's even delusional to believe she cares about me genuinely. I'm going to be delusional in that regard. I remember her eyes and idc what anyone says. I know she cares still. However I have accept the harsh reality that her caring about me does not mean she's ever going to know me personally. The harsh reality is, she's going to live her life where she is, and I'm going to live my life where I am and I'm going to hope and dream she shows up for me. As the months go by I'll cope with abandonment. It's something I'm used to.

I won't dislike her. I won't resent her. I'll root for her silently over here and hope she's happy. That's all I can do.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/12/24

11:13 p.m Updated

So I made it to my testosterone shot thankfully, as yesterday I was 10 minutes late to my doctor appt and they made me reschedule. If I lose my primary care I'm going to have so many issues between my insomnia script and my biweekly testosterone shot. I'm really thankful I got there with 5 minutes to spare.

I also lost track of time yesterday bc I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off and I was 20 minutes late to my appt with Mike... he texted me and offered me 6:30 after I didn't show up for 6. I showed up at 6:27 and he didn't show up... I waited 27 minutes... either way today I made my obligations. I met with Mike too for the first time in like a month. After yesterday him leaving me hanging and pretending not to get my texts. I prob shouldn't see him but what am I supposed to do? Danielle was all about countertransference.... and finding a therapist as a transguy is tough. I write it in my emails and I can send 10 and only one person responds to me so whatever, it is what it is.

I called Eye Doctors around town and 2 out of 3 said they measure each eye individually. The other said both at the sametime. I called my eye doctor, I lied and said I got their script from an online eye wear place and I got headaches... I said it could either be the script or that the glasses were made incorrectly. Luckily my insurnace will cover a retest within 30 days of getting your script. I'm scheduled for the 19th and I will make sure they do both eyes separately before I take my ray bans off hold. And I'll update the script with the accurate test results. For now I'll just wear my distance glasses. I'm going to keep them bc of the shape and style for gaming and driving... if I got them updated as progressives they would be 304$ cause they won't let you pick clear lenses in this frame, you got to pick transitions and the most expensive one... it's ridiculous cause I love these frames... so my ray bans will be progressive pending my new test on Tuesday....

I worked on a few things I've been putting off, I called my capture card place and gamestop. The capture card place will replace it refurbished but only give me a month warranty as I am officially out of warranty but I called in December and it saved my ass. I called game stop and my warranty for the same capture card ended March 9th. Psychosis and my circadian rhythm make accomplishing things very difficult.... The manager at gamestop sent an email to try to remedy the situation as I went in store in December and tried to replace it or get a refund. I have a 2 year warranty that just expired. I explained that I have psychosis and I've been having issues getting stuff done. He is going to try to replace it or give me my 79$ back.. it would be more ideal... as a refurbished with a month warranty isn't ideal... but I have one of two options. I have to wait until Monday to hear back from Gamestop before I make the decision to either send it back to EVGA or accept whatever gamestop will give me.

I had months to call and I couldn't cause I'm always overwhelmed and stressed because I have to simulate my auditory cortex with pod casts or mindless TV like The Simpsons with heavy dialogue just to not hear the voice. I used to work in silence... like to focus I would sit in complete silence and do my stuff. Now I must always have constant chatter on in the background to avoid hearing the voice... hearing how repetitive it is drives me crazy. However listening to mindless chatter in the background even as I write this drives me crazy cause I can't focus the way I want to.

Not to mention I have constant doctor appts and a fucked circadian rhythm. I generally have 1 hours and 30 minutes a day with the time I wake up... and if a doctors appt is during that time which i have therapy 3 days a week. It gives me like 20 minutes to call a place.

I really want to kill myself after reading about recovery rates. I'm considered in remission... "Remission" is defined as symptomatic but functioning in a social/occupational/taking care of yourself type of way. Basically it's someone who hallucinates, but is firmly gripped in reality. You can't be delusional... and you have to be able to take care of yourself, shower, eat, cook, shop, drive, make appts, have fulfilling social relationships, have a job etc...

I don't have a job and likely never will. If I could stop having ocd I'd work with kids. I'd be able to do it with the voice. I can't with my ocd and psychosis. Either way I am in remission as I meet all criteria.

Remission is depressing and when you look at graphs, a lot of people are in Remission...

Recovery is a different beast.. it's having no symptoms. When you look at these charts, my percentage of actually not hallucinating one day is about 24% in 6 months, 26% in 12 months, 39% in 24 months. It doesn't seem promising.

I have "fulfilling" relationships. It's funny. When you have friends and you're single, you feel more alone. Hanging out with Charlotte Saturday, Marcy after Charlotte left (cause I didn't get a real birthday party), hanging out with John Monday over mic playing FC4 was not fulfilling. I hallucinated much less but I felt alone. They all have partners. I'm lacking companionship. I'm lacking someone to hug, hold hands with, share all my most intimate secrets with, someone to trust to have always be there for me.

I've been in support groups for voice hearers and everyone is more crazy than me. Everyone has schizophrenia and schizoaffective, etc. They see more, hear more and are all on antipsychotics.. most have tardive dsykinesia. No one is like me. I'm the odd one out who has to be sensitive about antipsychotics bc everyone is on them. Everyone is eccentric. I feel like I don't belong.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like my chance to recover could take anywhere from 3 years to 10 years and I may never not hallucinate.... it may be that I am in remission for the rest of my life... I will never take antipsychotics I don't want negative symptoms, movement disorders, seizures, and I don't want to have 30% of my life shortened....

So here I stand, in remission. Wondering if full recovery is possible when I feel so fucking unfulfilled with everything I have in my life. No one likes my face enough on these dating apps to even get to know me..

As i talked to John. Marcy. Charlotte I felt this hollowing aloneness. I'm not like you. You have fulfillment. You don't have secrets that will make sure no one ever loves you or stays. You're not like me.

Until I find a partner I'm going to feel this way. Which I likely won't.

Until I actually recover I will never feel at peace. If Kristen keeps her license I'm actually going to commit suicide.

If Kristen does lose her license if my life doesn't get more fulfilling I'm going to kill myself.

I don't think there is any point in fighting. Yet I keep doing it and idk why.

All I know is I have to report Kristen before I end my life. She doesn't get to take mine without at least having a red mark on her perfect record.

Antipsychotics aren't even considered on this chart cause 99.99% take them... and I won't. But yea it's pretty disappointing. I'm depressed and I don't see much of a point in trying. I got to at least submit my paperwork before I do it.

I don't believe in soulmates. I don't believe there is someone out there for me. I don't believe I'll be anything or even have a somewhat satisfying relationship with anyone.

Once I get news of kristen license I'm ending my life. Especially if she gets to keep it. But idk how many more disappointing months I can live like this. I've talked to 2 people who had thc induced psychosis who didn't take antipsychotics they heard a voice the whole time and recovered within 1 year and 6 months that's all I got for research from people like me.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/12/24

10:18 p.m

so since I can't report Kristen electronically my list of things to do got longer.

1) Finalize and Print Report. Take out asshole face but leave it without vulgar language. Take out briannas pussy tree but leave everything else about psych ward.

2) Get Big Paper Sized Envelope

3) Buy Stamp

4) Notarize Document

5) Figure out What The Witnesses signature means and pick two Witnesses

6) Ship it

I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I got most of the paperwork done but I got to finish editing my complaint and get a notary as well as have a witness sign which is confusing.

Idk if any random person can witness me signing it or it has to be one of my witnesses...

I already spent 5$ printing the petition, and printing our final email correspondence.My report is 11 pages, that's another 5$.

A notary is 5$. I got to get a tan envelope so I don't fold the paperwork. I also got to get stamps or ship it with USPS with tracking depending on if I can fit 22 pages into a regular envelope, I dont think I can.

And I got to potentially drive to Erin's so she can sign it as a witness, which would suck.

I hope my sister can serve as a witness or a notary but bc they want it in writing, I'm losing like 20$ or more if i got to drive.

Idk who to put as my witnesses but I need two. Mike is on the paperwork as well as Erin. Elise had to be put on it as well.

It's a mess and if they don't take her license away I lose all this money and spend all this time putting it together for nothing.

Yet I have no choice- my due date for myself and closure is March 22nd and the latest March 29th.

My body shuts down when I write it/read it/edit it. I don't get hungry. I went 9 hours without eating last time I worked on it. I have to relive all this trauma.

If you're here Elise, please when they call you, stand up for me and my lack of insomnia. Please make sure to talk about what a put together person I am. I saw you for 3 years. You're going to be an important character/mental health witness. If you'd ever respond to me I'd write you in as an actual witness but once they access my medical file there is no doubt you're getting a phone call about it as the provider who saw me for 3 years before this whole fucking thing.

I don't look at you as a provider but in this case you are. I look at you person to person. Your word is going to mean a lot. I didn't bother writing in my last provider Julia who I saw like 6 or 7 years ago....please help me if you're here. I can't see you or talk to you but you can really help me.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/12/24

10:30 p.m

So I've been wearing my new distance glasses. Wow the world is beautiful and bright and clear. I love them minus the arms still and they are mostly comfortable. I got to stretch them out a little. The ray bans will be superbly comfortable being 2 mm wider.. I might have to stretch those arms inwards though.

I am still on the fence about whether I should do progressives with my new distance glasses, I still have to move the lotion or body wash close to my face for the tinier writing... so I mean it's debatable...

If they didn't test my eyes right I could end up with very expensive scripts and extremely deteriorated vision...

My gut says this:

1) you clearly need reading glasses but they might not have tested them right. We could just do distance and have our reading vision naturally deteriorate since I can see 90% of things 12-16 inches away. It could result in me needing more intense scripts next year but I'll make sure they do both eyes individually... then it'll be right and I'll aviod headaches and a lot of returns back to my eye wear company...

2) my gut also says maybe they did it right and it would be a whole new world but if I get them and let's say my right eye is +1.00 and my left eye is +.50.. My eye sight could majorly deteriorate over this year if let's say my eyes adjust and I don't get headaches.

So I'm on the fence. All I know is I want my ray bans and I don't want to give up these glasses if I did do progressives until I get my new glasses with my new script.... as everything looks amazing... and I love them.

Idk what a guy is supposed to do. All I know is if they tested them correctly I would like to do progressives... Maybe I should call around town and ask eye doctors?

If they say they test them individually I'll forgo it. If they say they test together I'll become a guy with progressive eye wear :(

I think that sounds like a plan.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/12/24

3:55 a.m

My new distance glasses.... idk if should get the Reading addition or not. I hate the Arms but I like the look of them. They are almost identical to my old ones minus the arms.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/12/24

6:13 a.m Updated

So I'm reading contrasting things, I posted on reddit asking and one person said they tested correctly. I guess reading is done with both eyes open but... everywhere I read I don't exactly get specifics... from reading and distance but.... they say you're supposed to test each eye individually..

So I took a ruler out to judge 12-16 inches. I can read nearly everything BUT some of the bottled like lotion or pills, that tiny writing... I got to put 6 inches in front of my face.

All I know is I don't want headaches. I want to main my ray bans and be comfortable in them....

I'm on the fence. Do they do reading tests with both eyes open? Does it matter if I have to struggle to see tiny writing on lotion bottles and put it 6 inches in front of my face...

I mean I just wish they did test them individually..

Maybe I'll just get my current orders in distance and buy one pair of rimless as the script they gave me for cell phone time... idk...

I just want clear vision even if I'm dorky. I also feel like 1.00 is high. Like i went from being a normal person to someone with a severe vision deficit..

What if I get the progressives... and then I end up seeing everything blurry even the things I can see with or without my glasses on, on a bottle? That's best case. Worse case is eye strain and head aches..

Fact is I look at distances 99.99%, my phone is basically a clock with nothing that happens on it.

I wish I could get two pairs of ray bans. Or a pair of oaklay with ray bans, one with both and one with distance.

I hate being a four eyes. I hate not being able to think in silence bc of my auditory hallucination.

I just wish I could get this answered... are they supposed to test for reading glasses with both eyes open or each individually. If it's individually... I'd chose to forgo reading glasses this year and ask them to test each eye individually in March. Also I'm 33 for fuck sakes. You're not supposed to need reading glasses until 40 or 50... usually 50...

I mean I didn't see a difference between no lense and the 1.00 but I do see my deficit.

Also what if I can't get a girl to love me with my glasses on and I have a severe deficiency bc I chose progressive glasses?

The head aches are the biggest concen with the potential inaccuracies of testing both eyes together.

I still think you're my soulmate Elise. But I'm just stupidly hopeful. Either way I'm here for you if you ever need me.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/12/24

3:08 a.m updated

These are my options for my glasses idk what to do. I have a head ache and I'm tired and I have a doctors appt tomorrow and a therapy session..

1) just do distance glasses cause it's cheaper than getting progressive glasses.

2) Replace Ray bans with script return the two distance pairs and get 40$ toward another pair of Progressives..

3) Get reading glasses as a separate pair and only wear them on the computer.

I'm leaning on 1 or 2... I don't notice too much of a deficit from reading... or close up... but I can't read certain things like 2 or 3 feet away...

Distance I absolutely need...

If I get the script they gave me it will cost much more and I will be entirely dependent on glasses... a 1.00+ for reading is a lot with-.25 for distance....

Idk I'm overwhelmed.

When they showed me the 1.00 and no correction I didn't see a difference. They also didn't have me look at it with one eye blocked.. Idk if thats standard or not.

My insurnace wouldn't cover a pair of glasses bc it only covers glasses once every 2 years... so next year my eye doctor is getting money cause I'm getting progressive. I might go to a different eye doctor to make sure I really need that reading correction.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

I didn't realize I got perscribed reading glasses. I only ordered distance.... maybe I can edit it. Or buy progressives glasses. Idk.

They are holding my ray bans until I call my eye doctor and ask if I need Progressives or two different pairs for distance and reading.

The other two pairs are in apringfield. They are single vision distance.. I'm scared to get my ray bans with 1.00+ reading.. I'm really going to be dependent on them.

3/12/24

1:47 updated

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/11/24

7:40 p.m updated

I guess I reported her to the wrong agency. I have to print out the form and print out the email and print out my report.

I'm going to change it to September 21st. Take out asshole face and Brianna's pussy tree and just describe it as an incidence. I have to figure out how to word it, to get my point across.

I realize the psych ward does not have cameras in the rooms. They may have heard me bc they have them in the common area. However I don't know if the person out in common area heard me or if the cameras picked it up.

As for asshole face it'll be in the incident report.

Unfortunately I'm going to have to name you Elise. I have to name current and past practitioners. The form is entirely different. I have no choice. I'm sure they'll contact you as well as everyone else I've seen on a long term basis.

Idk if you even read my tumblr or care about me. Either way it haunts me that I can't know you personally...

Also my youtube is dead. The hours went from 220 to 50 to 35 to 28..

Maybe I should stop posting and remove my content. I try to make good content and with 160 videos and millions of tags, you'd think I'd have a constant wave of people coming to my channel..

It's getting pathetic... maybe I should give up on my dreams. Also then I can make content without my glasses on if I do decide to stupidly try to follow my dreams.

I don't expect to be an anyone. To achieve anything. To have anything or even go on vacation in state to a campground before I die even if I make it to 60. I don't expect to have anything to look forward to. I don't expect to have anything change in a positive way. I don't expect to get married. I don't expect to have kids. I don't expect to accomplish anything. I don't even expect to have "stability" for more than a few years. I have nothing on Maslow hierarchy of needs generally speaking.

I expect to be a drain on society. And be an useless pathetic disabled couch potato, no one loves until I end my life. Which I mean tbh it's coming soon.

Everyday I go on the dating sites I see exactly how pointless it is. No one likes me..no one will have kids with me. At this point I truly want a single mother and to be a insta father figure... You'd think I could find some but there are better people out there despite me wanting to be a stay at home dad..

I don't even want my own children.. I got shit genetics.. I don't want my kids to be fucked like me. I just want a kid or two to love me and to have a wife

But instead I do nothing and have nothing. I get nothing and no one likes me for who I am. All I have is friends. They are all getting married. Having kids. Have multiple options for dating if they are single.. and all I got is psychosis and ocd. A dream to be someone and everything in my life pointing to overdosing as I try every single day and see absolutely nothing change.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/11/24

6:49 a.m updated

I'm a bad person. I caved........but like if I'm going to be a dorky guy with glasses...... I mean imma look really sexy in these. They may be a little big but we will find out. I def qualify for the large or extra large face size...which severely limits my available options and then I'm a glasses snob. Okay I said it.

It's my face. I like black frames... I like rectangular or square frames... I'd try frameless but only a cheapo pair. I'm getting the two half frames for 40$ together... so I mean- I'm not about expensive I'm about a certain shape, color and then my face size!

Only 268$ on one pair but look at them... I got half frames coming in the mail...

For the record its not about the fucking brand. It's the fucking shape. I can't find this shape and color in anything but ray bans and Oakley.... it's like they patented the fucking shape. I found a cheapo pair at zenni but they have red under tone visible from all angles. That's the fucking problem.

I can find similar pairs cheap but the lenses are huge, like 44 lense height... these are 34... I like 30 or 31..... 34 is long for my taste but short enough to work with my face lol

I'll return them if they are too wide. I'm like 137 from hinge to hinge... these are 139.. otherwise they should be comfortable. Anything under 135 and Maybe 136 I have to stretch out the arms.... and they squeeze my head..... so we will see. I'll have a lot of money to work with, if they are a tad too big. I'll go to lenscrafters..... and then it's Oakley air drops.

No one will find me cute or anything but I'll feel styling in these frames. I feel stupid but It's my face and I want to look good. I've faced the fact I want a girl to like me in my glasses... and if I can't find one I'll just fuck myself. I do it every day anyways

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/11/24

2:25 a.m

So I'm worried about my circadian rhythm and getting to my doctors appts... I have my insomnia appt Tuesday and my t shot Wednesday.

Anyways, to make today productive I realized I hadn't edited or even read my report about Kristen in a couple months. I hit the ground running. I submitted a 11 page report to the FLIS.

I added the last edit, a paragraph accepting my responsibility and how I chose to take the capsules. She never encouraged it and as an adult who makes my own choices I abused marijuana... but that she should have listened to my symptoms. And told me I was hallucinating..I felt that paragraph needed to be at the top. So it's the second paragraph.

Well I edited the whole thing and spent a few hours on it. If you're here Elise... I wanted you to edit it for me bc you're so smart. I knew you'd take it seriously and make sure it was perfect. But I had no one to edit it. Fresh eyes matter. Either way.

I submitted the report as of 12:30 a.m today. I cried a little. I needed to do it for me. I hope I'm smart enough that there aren't a lot of mistakes. I had no fresh eyes to overlook it.

I made one mistake saying we met in person on September 22nd. I emailed the department and corrected it to September 21st. I know this bc I went to Newtown Stop and Shop and then Southbury Stop and Shop per my bank account... I remember the last in person session, I stopped at Newtown and got like lemonade and then went to Southbury for a chicken cause Newtown didn't have one.... at least I caught the mistake.

Everything else it well dated. My witnesses are my current therapist Erin and the doctor who diagnosed me with psychosis at the psych ward. I had to put two vulgar words/phrases in it. Brianna's pussy tree-which I'm sure the psych ward documented, as the voice told me I was on camera and I was about to be famous for being telepathic but if I didn't admit thinking about Brianna's pussy tree I would get sued. So I looked up at the corner of the room and loudly exclaimed Brianna's pussy tree and cried and shit... just to document how much I lost it. I know it must be in my report..

Then I brought up asshole face cause Kristen told me the cops called her from October 11th when I reported her for adding buttholes for eyes and a mouth on my profile pictures. When I talked about the delusion she laughed at me.

I hated having vulgar language in the report but these things are all well documented...

Also I brought you up. Cause it all started with you. Not your last name for the record. It started with you bc I thought you were the voice and I talked to Kristen about you talking to me for months and you being empathically connected to me. And Kristen never said a word... she never objected...she never said hallucinating or delusional or psychotic symptoms...

I didn't bring you up as a reportable person for the record. I had to talk about my experience truthfully. And it started with me thinking I could hear your voice (I really thought that you were the auditory hallucination) and that's what I reported to Kristen. I didn't bring you up when it came to "asshole face." I'm sure you got that call cause- I named you to the police station as starting a lawsuit to protect me..

I doubt they'll call you bc I didn't name you minus your first name. You're not the focal point of the report but I couldn't leave you out.

Cause when Kristen gets to defend herself, you're going to come up unless she straight up lies.

Kristen said that the psych ward was rude to her. I have a feeling I know why. I think she admitted that she thought I was hallucinating. Why else would they be rude? Well she could have saved me before I ended up with psychosis....

So yea. I gave them the right to contact the police station. The psych ward. Mike. Erin. My primary care about my insomnia and the drugs I need to sleep.

I doubt they'll call you. You're like a side story to explain how I ended up becoming "telepathic and empathic," but just a warning cause I mean it's possible.

I didn't say your last name and I didn't tell them they could contact you.. that doesn't mean they won't after they talk to the police station......

I hope if they call you'll mention how I didn't have fucking insomnia. And I slept like a baby. It's half my argument as to why Kristen should lose her license. When I lost my weed I microslept and ended up on benzodiazepines....

The bulk of it is that I ended up with psychosis. So I mean I don't think they'll call you but it's not impossible. I hope they don't. I left your last name out bc you're just the person I thought I was telepathic with and we didn't talk once we terminated therapy so I never got to ask you if you were talking to me in my brain.... And then when "Kristen" started telepathically talking to me I asked her and her giggle and shrug off made me think she was lying and I was empathically connected to her too.

Hopefully my diagnosis doesn't make them look down on me. Kristen Dew deserves to lose her fucking license for her fucking negligence.

I wrote a whole part about how I didn't want to report her while I had psychosis as she doesn't have psychosis and I worry the board won't look at me as an equal. I hope they take into consideration I am not delusional, I am functional and take care of myself but my d2 receptors are broken bc of a negligence therapist..

I hope Kristen loses her fucking license. My experience has to mean something. I can't be saved but I can save someone else.

When I asked her about empaths... I asked can empaths send messages to eachother, she exclaimed, "they absolutely can." She fucking fed the delusion that landed me here.

I've now got to start coping with the fact that they may let her keep her license. I couldn't sit on it any longer.

Elise you're this unresolved person in my life. You're not in my life but you live in my brain. You're always on my mind.... and idk if I'll ever get resolution from you... every dream I have references you, looking for you, not being able to find you. You're always ignoring me. Until it gets resolved, you're always going to be on my mind. And I can't do anything about it but cope with it. My subconscious will not rest when it comes to you. You're on my mind less now cause I accepted even if you show up for me it won't be anything significant. Maybe we will hang out every 6 months to a year. It'll be nothing significant. Bc as you always stated, "we are in different phases of our life," which I think is bullshit. I would have baby sat your girl so you and your husband could have nights together. I would have legit tried to be a part of your family. I would have gamed with your husband over Xbox live and your daughter who loves minecraft... but either way you're no where to be found and if I look for you I'm a stalker. I can't message you at work ever again cause you ignored me. I can't message you on Instagram or fb cause you blocked me. So all I can do it sit around and wait. I'm not a stalker or a crazy guy so imma do nothing. And you'll either be here one day or you won't and you'll continue to be on my mind constantly because I believed everything you said to me. I believe in dinners on the weekends. I believed you'd hang out with me. I believed we would know eachother. I believed, "you'll be there at my wedding smiling." And I still believe it. Every month, every week, every year that goes by I'll believe it less and it'll break my heart and you want to know what I'll do about it? Nothing. The ball is in your court and I'll just live like this. With this unresolved feeling and I will miss you.

Kristen has been this unresolved person who wronged me and the only person stopping me from resolving it was me. I wouldn't submit the report.

Now I did. She better lose her license. I could have gotten fucking schizophrenia.... psychosis is fucking life ruining. I hope they see me as person. I didn't lose my marbles. I just hear things that aren't real.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/10/24

6:05 p.m-Updated

So I super over slept. Woke up at 5:43 p.m. I woke up at 10:30 a.m and was really itchy and looked Benadryl and hydroxyzine. Then I slept until 7 hours uninterrupted.....

Anyways I dreamed about you again. We were trying to meet in the air port.. I think your husband was there but he wasn't important. We got together started talking and for some reason the cops found out about our previous relationship and they started chasing us. The wanted to arrest you.. and talk to me. We evaded them by separating.

A little while later a couple weeks to a couple months we met there again but no one remembered us. I think we took a plane.

This air port was outside a huge snowy mountain and when it took off it would have to go straight up and snow would start to hit the nose and wings of the plane. It was at a very high altitude. And there was always a chance to crash.

Idk what happened to you... all I know is they kept dropping me off on snowy mountain tops to find people who were lost.

I found a detached hand bloody. My dad ended up on the plane and the polit and him agreed I should be the only who rescues.

I think there was a couple morals of the dream about you-if you can't show up bc you'll get in trouble, I forgive you..

Once you do show up. And we talk everything gets resolved for me. All of sudden you weren't apart of the dream. You weren't dead. I wasn't looking for you. You were somewhere and I didn't care at all, you were irrelevant... i mean it was a dream but it wasn't-a bad I don't care, it was like she's a person living her life and I'm doing my own thing.

Another thing I picked up on was I was always in danger from rescuing. To when the plane took off... and when I tried to rescue... the bloody hand..

I think the detached hand was symbolic about me being alone and having no one to help me.

I think the dangerous flight and the dangerous mountains tops everyone left me on to find someone was symbolic of me searching for you and of me being utterly alone and my life meaning less than other people's...

I actually think the dream ended where I was abandoned on a snowy mountain top and the plane didn't come back for me. I was alone.

I was searching for someone. And no one was looking for me.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/10/24

6:01 a.m

No one likes me but I love myself