Today is one of the toughest days. I think he's the most cranky he has ever been today. He was crying and screaming for half an hour for something that didn't make any sense. And it happened not once, not twice, but three times today. I also didn't feel very well today, and my mom isn't home to help us. At times I almost screamed at him (but I didn't), but at the same time I wanted to laugh because his demand was too ridiculous 😅
But then, after some time, he gave up. Got sleepy, then sleeping beside me, with a VERY cute little face.
So now I'm having a mission for at least the next 1 year or 2. When things get difficult, I'll just say "THIS WILL PASS" and go through it as best as I could handle it at that time. With some laugh.
"Also, please take care of yourself." "But I don't even know what that means."
Beberapa hari terakhir ini aku berpikir keras, apa yang harus dilakukan untuk "heal" dari perasaan grief yang tidak sepenuhnya aku pahami.
Aku mencoba menikmati hari-hari dengan melakukan hal yang aku sukai sebelum menikah dan punya anak, tapi rasanya ga se-menyenangkan dulu. Aku mencoba menjadi "diri" yang utuh dengan melakukan hal yang tujuannya "just for myself" tapi rasanya ga bermakna apa2.
Memang, dari dulu aku selalu berpikir bahwa hidup ada chapter masing-masing. Dulu aku sudah melewati masa-masa unsure of myself, pushing myself to its limit, and then be comfortable of myself.
Saat ini chapternya adalah fokus membesarkan haikal - jadi di otak dan di hati adalah giving my all for him. Jadi mungkin, secara tidak sadar, ketika "dipaksa" menyenangkan diri tapi menggunakan hal yang tidak ada kaitannya dengan haikal, rasanya tetap hampa dan ga bermakna apa-apa.
I seriously don't know how to actually take care of myself 😕
Hari ini kerja di luar rumah seharian. Pas baru mau jalan pulang, di telpon sama miss di sekolah karena si bayi tiba2 muntah2. Langsung deg2an banget tapi berusaha tenang - it's not the first time, and it might not be that bad.
Pas jemput di sekolah, Haikal lagi gelendotan sama miss-nya, mungkin karena agak lemas soalnya makanan dari siang ga ada yang masuk. Tapi, seperti biasa, pas lihat mama langsung excited peluk dan minta digendong, lalu si bayi bilang "haikal ga enak badan". Jadi meleleh dan nyengir karena mikir "ini anak bayi kok ngerti 'ga enak badan' segala 😂"
Alhamdulillah habis minum asi, ngemil sedikit, dan minum asi lagi, si bayi sudah bisa tidur nyenyak. Sempat muntah sedikit tapi sebagian besar makanan nya ga keluar. Sebelum tidur si bayi juga ceria dan ngajak bercanda seperti biasa 😊
Entah kenapa hari ini pengen banget ceritain ini di sini. Seperti pengen inget momen ini. Your kid will be the one that makes you worry the most, but they also are the one who can make you smile the brightest.
Today was hard, maybe the hardest one in the past year. Wasn't feeling well, but everyone's not feeling well, so I need to set aside my uneasy feeling to make sure everyone's feeling better. In addition to that, Haikal's got sick - and you got a feeling that it might be because of something you decided to do consciously. Then, I kept making small mistakes that worsened the situation. I felt worse at night than I was at noon. I really hope tomorrow will be a brighter day. Please 😢
It's easy to say but definitely needs time to get there.
It wasn't easy to see the scale improved slightly in months but drastically reduced in less than a week. I definitely need time to process everything - until I reach the gratefulness.
His smile definitely the most impacting factor. His laugh, his cute little fingers, his hi-5, and of course - his "mamammama".
Thank you my little boy, for always giving me a reason to smile and stay grateful :)
Tanggal 4 besok akhirnya Haikal berusia 6 bulan! Officially anak bayi, ga new born lagi 😁
Selama 6 bulan mengenal Haikal, rasanya aku dipaksa untuk benar-benar mengenal diriku sendiri - rasanya semua hal yang terjadi selama 29 tahun sebelumnya memang ditakdirkan untuk mempersiapkan aku untuk bisa memberikan yang terbaik untuk Haikal.
Dari dulu aku tau banget bahwa punya anak, merawat, dan membesarkan anak itu hal yang sama sekali ga gampang. Tapi selama 6 bulan ini aku baru menyadari bahwa apa yang ga gampang itu pasti ada jalan keluarnya - pasti dikasih kemudahan sm Allah kalau kita berdoa (dan berusaha pastinya).
Selama 6 bulan kenal Haikal, sejujurnya aku ga nyangka bisa benar-benar menikmati jadi mama. Menyusui di tengah-tengah kerjaan dan meeting di siang hari justru jadi penyemangat kerja. Liat ketawanya jadi penyemangat menjalani hari walaupun semalem cuma tidur 4 jam.
Kata orang, anak itu udah punya rejekinya masing-masing. Tapi yang aku baru sadari selama 6 bulan ini, anak adalah rejeki terbesar buatku. Bisa mengenal Haikal adalah rejeki terbesar.
Semoga mama dan papa juga bisa jadi pembawa rejeki untuk Haikal ya. I love you nak 😊
Alhamdulillah. I turned 30 today. I can say that I have everything I want and need, and I'm very grateful for it.
The big 3-0 makes me realize that life won't be worth living if we cannot enjoy the day to day process. I am beyond grateful to have such a supporting surrounding, who never cease to amazed me.
He seems healthy, active, very happy, but he's still underweight - quite a lot below the standard weight.
It feels like I've done everything I could to undo my past mistake of not preparing breastfeeding sooner, but he's still underweight. Plus, he's having a cold which makes him uncomfortable and having trouble sleeping.
Raising a kid indeed is a journey with no clear destination. In the first years of his life, you just know that he needs you to help him survive and develop into a decent human being - a healthy and happy kid. I never thought that it'll be this complicated.
Nevertheless, it is a very exciting journey. Seeing his smile for the first time, listening to his gibberish voice, pinching his cute little cheeks, and watching him doing something new everyday. But still, we can't control the output of our efforts towards a baby - he's not a robot that have certain programming code.
I guess I need to learn harder to just focus on the process, not the result, because we can only control the process, not the result.
I am not a determined person. If I can't accomplish something, I will assume it wasn't meant to be.
But motherhood is a whole another level. I feel helpless since the first second I saw my baby boy in the delivery room. He was so pure and innocent, yet I have no idea what to do with him. The helpless feeling worsen when I can't breastfeed him properly. He cried all night on our first night together. Still exhausted from a very long delivery process, I feel very weak and sad. I feel like a failed mother, when everyone around me did their best but I can't even give my baby the one thing he need that can only come from me. I cried on the first nights, feeling like a failure, when he was breastfed by my sister. Hell, I still cry sometimes until today when he seems uncomfortable and annoyed because he can't get enough milk from me. People said mother should not be stress and needs to be in a happy place to be able to breastfeed well, but sometimes when I'm down, it seems impossible. I feel like this is the first time I don't excel on something but I have to keep trying. Right now, I need to focus on the things I could control - I ate so much booster, went to the lactation experts, read and watched as much as references I can get. It's really hard but I know it will be worth it.
Hope I'll be able to come again with a better news soon :')
As the due date gets closer, thousands of questions came into my head. How is it, what if that, how come, what should i do, the questions are endless. I've been feeling uneasy for the past few days, yet I think tonight's the worst. I'm feeling like I wanna cry for no particular reason. My body hurts, I can't find the best position to sleep, and my head keeps spinning around. I wanted to share this feeling with anyone but I don't know where to start. I guess it's also the hormones talking, since I can't find any logical words to explain my feeling.
Tahun 2020 bikin semua makhluk di bumi merasa helpless dan mau ga mau harus pasrah sama kondisi. Gara2 you know what, semua planning berubah. Bener2 ngingetin bahwa manusia bener2 cuma bisa berencana, cuma bisa berusaha, cuma bisa berdoa dan berharap. Sisanya bener2 terserah Allah aja mau gimana.
2020 bikin gue inget sama sebuah tulisan lama di Notes Facebook (it was a thing when I was in high school 🤣); suatu hari nyokap gue bilang, usaha itu ga akan selalu beriringan dengan hasil. Tapi tugasnya manusia ya usaha, dan berdoa tentunya. Sisanya harus pasrah, harus sabar, harus ikhlas, dan harus percaya bahwa everything happen for a reason - if the lesson is not for you, maybe it means something for someone.
Di penghujung 2019, gue berharap 2020 jadi tahun penuh cinta dan kebahagiaan. Well, it might not be true for some of us karena kita ga bisa menjalani keseharian kita, planning harus berubah, bahkan banyak dari kita yang mengalami kehilangan. Tapi pelajaran terbesar dari 2020 buat gue adalah, hidup cuma sekali dan cuma sebentar, that's why you have to make the most of it. We have struggles, and we might not be able to solve it right away. Kadang2, kalau rasanya udah usaha semaksimal mungkin tapi masalahnya ga ilang2, maybe it wasn't meant to be over soon. But it doesn't mean we can't focus on other things that might take our mind out off those troubles.
For me, the goal is clear - mati bahagia. Dan kunci bahagia cuma satu, love yourself. Love every bit of mistakes and achievements, all the perks all the quirkiness that is you. Lo ga akan bisa bahagiain siapapun kalo lo ga bahagia. Kalo masalah2 yg ada ga bikin lo bahagia, dan lo udah berusaha menyelesaikannya tapi ga selesai2, just leave it to God's hand and move on with your life. Fokus sama hal2 yg bisa kita kontrol aja, and then, it will be easier for us to find happiness, even just for a bit.
Soooooooo how's 2021 gonna be? Semoga bisa lebih belajar menyayangi diri sendiri, bisa lebih menunjukkan rasa sayang ke orang lain, bisa sayang (dan disayang) sama lebih banyak orang, dan masalah2 yg belum selesai perlahan2 bisa selesai - atau bisa jadi pribadi yg lebih kuat supaya masalahnya jadi terkesan sedikit lebih kecil.
Don't be too hard on yourself, Hun! Semangaaaaatttt! 2021 pasti lebih seru!
Jadi beberapa hari yg lalu di Twitter ada seorang influencer yg ngetwit gini:
Dan tiba2 aja gue ngerasa sedih dan kesel.
Gue ga nyangka dan agak not-proud with my self karena bisa ke-trigger sama sosmed influencer yg beginian karena deep down gue tau orang2 ini cuma pengen nyari sensasi dan caper aja 🙈 bahkan gue ga tau dia siapa sebelum rame2 ini. Tapi yaaa namanya jg ke-trigger, kadang2 ga bisa dikontrol.
Jadi sebenernya gue udh liat ini berseliweran di timeline twitter sejak kemaren2, tp baru bener2 baca thread nya tadi sore.
Yg paling bikin gue ketrigger adalah, dia banyak bales2in orang yg kontra sama dia sambil ngegas. Selain itu, yg dukung dia jg ga sedikit!!! Ini sih yg bikin sedih. Orang2 yg di sosmed yg melabelkan diri sebagai "no-bullshit-people" atau "ceplas-ceplos" atau "pendukung freedom of speech", mengatasnamakan hal2 itu untuk mengutarakan semua opininya, PADAHAL pendapatnya itu downgrading, ga pantes, ga punya empati, dan bikin jutaan orang di dunia ini merasa worthless.
Kayak gini contohnya:
Kenapa gue ketrigger banget sama topik ini? Let me tell you abit about my insecurity.
Jadi, sejak Februari kemarin gue mulai ngegym. Saat itu gue berada di titik berat badan terberat seumur hidup gue. Dalam 2 tahun, berat badan gue bertambah 15 kg, baju gue ga ada yg muat, I always felt sad whenever I saw my body - I was ashamed everytime I took a full body photo. Gue inget banget di hari pertama ngegym bareng sahabat gue, dia foto dulu badannya di cermin yg ada di locker room, ceritanya buat liat before after. I remember thinking "gue ga mau foto", tp karena sahabat gue insist, akhirnya gue di foto pake hp dia - dan gue ga mau liat fotonya sampe skrg.
Gue selalu anxious setiap kali pilih baju buat ke gym. Entah apa yg gue takutin, gue jg ga ngerti. Tp selama bbrp minggu (smp akhirnya gym ditutup karena corona), gue pelan2 bisa mengurangi perasaan anxious tersebut. Toh ga ada jg yg ngeliatin lo di gym. Toh lo ke gym buat olahraga biar sehat, bukan buat nyari jodoh.
Tapi twit di atas bener2 bikin anxiety muncul lagi. Dan gue yakin, ga cuma gue yg ngerasain ini setelah baca twit si mbak yg nulis "polusi visual. perih bener."
Terus, yg gue ga abis pikir, dia bikin thread panjang explaining why she wrote those tweets. Dan isinya lebih hurtful lagi.
You don't fucking know how hard it is for some people to lose weight. How stressful it is when you've been dieting and working out so hard but you still gain weight.
"Menolak keras fat acceptance"????? Are you kidding me????????????? 😭😭
Dan menurut gue yg paling parah adalah twit ini:
"Don't blame me for your weak mentality"
Such a bully..... I can't 😭😭😭😭
So, if in anyway you might come across this tumblr, please... PLEASE.. stop being a so-called influencer. Ga ada yg bilang pendapat lo ga valid, opini tetep opini, mau positif atau negatif. TAPIIIIIII, ga semua hal harus lo update di sosmed for God's sake!!!! Tulis aja di diary, atau obrolin di private chats sm temen lo. Jangan ngomong kayak gitu di ranah publik karena there are too much bad things happening already. Jangan lo tambah2in lagi dengan omongan hurtful & degrading - atas nama freedom of speech :(
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