earendil-was-a-mariner

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Tolkien scholars: what influence did Tolkien’s experience in WWI have on his depiction of the dead marshes?

Me: So Oromë is the fiercest Valar and Tulkas is the strongest, but Eönwë, a Maia, was the strongest in arms. So who would win that 3-way duel? 

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Your fave is problematic: Witch King

He will bear thee away to the houses of lamentation, beyond all darkness, where thy flesh shall be devoured, and thy shrivelled mind be left naked to the Lidless Eye

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Similarities Between Myself and Bilbo Baggins

Main survival instinct is to bullshit my way out of a situation

Would rather be eccentric uncle than responsible parent

Would use the One Ring to get out of seeing family members

In times of strife, thinking of food is a source of comfort

Would never stop complaining, even as I became a true adventurer

Would sleep through an entire battle

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When you wanna go on an adventure but smaug is dead and sauron is gone and shelob is hiding #fourthageproblems

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Contributions to the Success of the War of the One Ring

Gandalf: led the overall war effort; acted as general; filled people with hope

Aragorn: killed a lot of orcs; scared Sauron and gave him PTSD about Isildur coming back

Gilmi: killed orcs; helped Aragorn

Legolas: killed orcs; helped Aragorn

Frodo: carried the one ring

Sam: can’t carry the one ring, but he carried you, Mr. Frodo; cooked; defeated Shelob; was central hero; taught Gollum about potatoes

Merry: assist in killing the Witch-King

Pippin: assist in killing Gandalf (by rousing the Balrog); assist in scaring Sauron (by using the Palantir)

Boromir: saved Merry and Pippin? Helped…shovel snow…on Caradhras; pushed Frodo to go alone

Gollum: surprisingly, a lot

Galadriel: presents! wisdom! 

Saruman: boosted everyone’s morale by getting wrecked by ents

Ents: *see above*

Army of the Dead: (in the book) helped out in the Battle of the Pellenor Fields; (in the movie) completely destroyed everyone in the Battle of the Pellenor Fields

Arwen: (in the book) uuuummm…made Aragorn’s flag?; (in the movie)……*sigh*

Rohirrim: CHAAAAARRGGGEEEEEE

Tom Bombadil: (in the book) saved the Hobbit’s lives twice; (in the movie) saved the Hobbit’s life, twice (off screen). 

Elrond: stuff; things

Eowyn: killed Witch-King; all around bad-ass

Faramir: gave Frodo and Sam magic walking sticks

the eagles: came

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Fun with Tolkien (part II)

“Thus Aragorn for the first time in the full light of day beheld Éowyn, Lady of Rohan, and thought her fair…”

Me: So what’s up with that?

Tolkien: I’m just saying he saw her. 

Me: That sentence has a lot of connotations, none of which pan out.

Tolkien: All it says is that Aragorn saw Éowyn. I don’t understand your confusion. 

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To the tune of the Spongebob Themesong

oooooohhhhh

Who lives in a Hobbit hole under the ground?

(Bilbo Baggins)

He’s shorter than most, but still kind-of round!

(Bilbo Baggins)

If your journey needs burglars to steal cups and rings

(Bilbo Baggins)

Then knock on his door and just start to sing!

(Bilbo Baggins)

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At the Council of Elrond

Elrond: Here, my friends is the hobbit, Frodo son of Drogo. Few have ever come hither through greater peril or on an errand more urgent.

Frodo: Name two of those people right now.

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Gandalf mentions that the Nazgul went to Mordor to “prepare it” for Sauron and if you think that I don’t imagine the Witch King of Angmar with a construction hardhat on, you’re wrong. 

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Everyone: Frodo, stay away from the black riders. They’re so dangerous, we can’t tell you how dangerous they are because you’ll be too afraid to go on.

Glorfindel: I went after some of the riders, but they ran away from me. 

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Merry and Pippin: *escaping from captivity* wait let’s have a snack first

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Gandalf: Saruman, you have no color now. I cast you from the order!!

*All of the Valar are sitting around a conference table watching this on a TV*

Manwe: Did he just fire our employee?

Ulmo: He doesn’t have that kind of authority. Who made him white, anyways? Nienna? Where is she, this sounds like her. 

Aule: Someone get Gandalf back to HR, he needs more training. 

Manwe: God I hate this job so much. 

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I accidentally typed “Suaron” in a post, and tumblr suggested both “Sauron” and “Sharon,” and can you imagine the Dark Lord, Sharon, creator of the One Ring and also she brings orange slices to her kid’s soccer games as a snack. 

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Fun with Tolkien

Legolas: Hey, that dude walking by Fangorn Forest - is that Saruman or just an old man?

Gimli: I dunno

Aragorn: I dunno either

J.R.R. Tolkien: Yeah I also don’t know. I wonder who he is. Huh. 

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Sauron

Shelob

Saruman

Smaug

Sackville-Baggins

Sméagol 

I wonder what letter Tolkein thought sounded evil

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Frodo: what are the black riders

Guildor: I’d rather not tell you. If I did, you’d be too afraid to go on your journey. 

Frodo: oh okay, thank you. That was very helpful. 

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You know, according to the Hobbit films, when Legolas meets Aragorn he’s just getting over Tauriel. He probably needs a guy friend who can help him get “out there” and meet someone new. Sounds like a pretty good buddy comedy. PJ, if you’re reading this, think about it. The Dude-edain or something. Hit me up.