elizzybethtalkss

[elizzybethtalkss]

I haven’t felt the urge to speak or think or feel you lately. But today I am shaking. I am hollow but I weigh more than a full grown elephant. My breathing is unsteady and I am tingling. My legs feel restless and my chest feels like a freeway with a speed limit of 100 miles per hour. My body feels like it’s about to jump off a cliff and my mind feels like everyone I know has disappeared. I am on the edge of my seat today teetering with the idea of he has no idea and if I let him know how I really feel he’ll never speak to me again. Scared of losing the weight. Scared of losing what drained me dry.

Trauma, euphoric love. That is what you’re to me. Nothing more and nothing else.

[elizzybethtalkss]

I am rapidly cycling through manic highs and manic lows. I don’t know how many weeks now, I’ve lost track but I know I am feeling like the bottom of the barrel. And I want to feel that peace again. Where my mind isn’t racing twenty-four hours a day. Where my chest doesn’t feel like theres a black hole replacing it. Where I feel human and normal.

How normalized is bipolar disorder? Because just today I’ve gone from restless, active, depressed, horny, depressed, horny, worthless, random bursts of active ideas but my body doesn’t move a muscle. Back to horny and depressed. All while laying in bed. Unable to lift my bones from the surface. Unable to grasp what is going on in my body. Hours laying in my bed going through that pattern of emotion.

I found myself painting my nails, starring out the window and doing an eye shadow look thirty minutes later. A cute outfit and some jewelry will mask this hot mess I actually am. Where did this energy and the will to exist in the real world come from?

Last week I was somewhat neutral but had higher energy than normal. The weeks before I was manic depressed. This week I am manic depressed. I am medicated and go to therapy. I do the things to stay sane. I do the fucking things, for the slightest bit of normalcy. For a day of - ok this is going to be ok - but then to just load up with every ounce of anxiety that exists on this planet.

“You need to find someone to put up with your ass everydaaaayyyyy first”

My biggest fear.

#bipolar disorder #normalize #beautiful #actually manic #my story #choosehope #choosehappy #choose your fighter #toxicity #toxic love #missingme #mentalheathawareness #beautiful lady #stigma #end it already #end the stigma

[elizzybethtalkss]

You have all the power to make me spiral, to make me feel on top of the world. I don’t think I’ll ever unlove you, for you saw me in my most devilish form.

#toxicity #lovers #hear me say #lovestories #healing #truthseeker #fuckery #feelthevibes #painful truths #here for it #choose your fighter #choosehappy #choosehope #mental health #my story