ellaintrigue

ellaintrigue

My life on the Eastern Shore, in random order.
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ellaintrigue·12 hours agoPhoto

I’m not even worried about finding a life partner anymore. Do they even exist?

One of my hobbies is not listening to my father. I love and respect my old man but mom is the only command that I listen to. We can sit and talk about neutral things for hours and I enjoy his company, but the second he says I should do something or tries to make me do something, it’s a hell no. One time he wanted me to help him clean windows when I was doing other things and I told him to fuck off (not in those words) and he got furious, slammed the door, and didn’t talk to me for a week.

One day he left after we had a good visit and he had heard me do some whining about men, and as he limped to his truck, he said. “you have to switch partners every so often or you’ll be bored.” I rubbed my chin as he drove off and thought maybe the old man had finally said something worth listening to.

Now, before he met my mom he was a promiscuous guy that hung out with other promiscuous guys. This isn’t something I judge him for, as it is essentially a male trait, whether we want to admit it or not. Women are more passive and focused on family-oriented goals, men fuck and wander. It’s a life cycle just like how a lot of women burn out sexually as they age after they are longer fertile. Nature is cruel, what can I say?

However, I’m not one to sleep around, I more like the thrill of the chase and the smell of a new guy’s hair (yeah, I’m creepy). But I asked dad about one of his old friends that he always talked about that reaaaaally put himself out there. “How did he not get diseases?” Dad responded, “oh, he did! All the time! He would get them treated then keep on moving on.”

That is another problem no one wants to admit, or perhaps they don’t know the reality of STDs, but condoms don’t do much of anything. Pretty good for preventing pregnancy but most diseases don’t care about them. If your skin is touching someone else’s, if you perform oral on them, if you come in contact with contagious semen, blood, saliva, etc., then you are exposing yourself. You would think that would be obvious, I mean, I sound like a fucking health article right now, but no one seems to care. “I’M CLEAN.” “I USE CONDOMS.”

I encountered a Tumblr post that said “Reblog if you are STD free!” once and it had thousands of reblogs. It was on the page of some older guy that had messaged me trying to perv. And I said to him, “so what happens if someone isn’t clean?” and he straight up blocked me. That’s the problem, everyone is bragging they’re clean until they’re not. Then… they lie about it because they’re so fed into society’s stigmas. So they go around spreading their shit because many people also think that you have to have signs to be contagious which is definitely not true!!

Then there is the stereotype that STDs are something only low class people get which is nonsense. Look at stats and see how rampant diseases are. It’s not just promiscuous people or drug addicts. I’ve written about how a man from Dothan did me dirty and he was a conservative working class Christian. I thought he was lovely when I met him, however, he was boring in having no criminal history and wanting marriage and kids with someone eventually to carry on tradition.

“Man you go for the trashiest men, you can find another conservative guy that is clean and educated.” No thanks, I like what I like. I run everyone I talk to for the most part. You got plenty of people with discreet profiles and no name put out but when they do I can bring up court records, etc. So in my platonic online bumbling where I talk to anyone there was a man with no real picture, just his torso. After chatting a bit he admitted his wife’s sex drive had dwindled since the birth of their young child and that he enjoyed sleeping with other women. I mean, gross, right? But, bored out of my mind, I kept talking to him. I had no interest in him although he did eventually send me his face. A very attractive blond man, a real person, white collar, no street vibes, just an average guy with a good job (see why I refuse to assume someone is good based on how they appear?). After talking for a couple of weeks we started unloading each other’s baggage. I, someone lacking friends, and him, busy with work and unable to tell his wife the truth.

She was battling cervical cancer and having surgeries because he picked up HPV while cheating on her and gave it to her. She would not be able to have more children like she wanted. He had no effects. Men often have less effects of sexual diseases than women. And HPV can lay dormant for years and surprise people of either gender with cancer but even he was sure he was the one that gave it to her.

Sad stats born of ignorance because no one can just be honest about any aspect of sexually transmitted diseases, and a big factor in making me gunshy of new men. I’ve already been assaulted and stalked, what’s next, a death sentence??

Now, on to my second blog to continue the first part of this one… huff huff huff!!!

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ellaintrigue·12 hours agoPhoto

“NOT ALL MEN! NOT ALL MEN ARE LIKE THAT!! YOU’RE SEXIST!” A lot of people are going to say over my last article. I really hate that shit, where do I ever say ALL MEN? I say “men,” yes, I generalize at times, but please, show me where I’m wrong about any of it?

I don’t think men are bad or even stupid, there are just things biologically embedded in us as we are essentially animals and male animals tend to wander. I once had a skinny earless tomcat that walked 6 miles away to be with a colony of feral females. I saw him there, then shortly after that he wandered back my way and I think it was to visit me before he died. Sweet little pale orange fellow, neither dumb or mean, just horny.

Everyone is horny, right? Let’s just admit it. Anywho, I just talked about how I’m surrounded by misinformed manwhores, now it is time for me to state: NOOOO, not all men are like that. There, are you happy?

So last month I got to talking to this very attractive redheaded guy. Intelligent, artistic, seemed to have a lot in common and a mutual attraction so I thought that we would meet. He was local and even a relative of a family friend so I knew he was real and reputable (no record or anything). Now, I’m not going to squeal he was “too nice” for me, I swear I don’t always go for criminals.

Anyway, I felt the potential for a real connection and we talked for two days. Then BOOM. He leaves me on read in the middle of a decent non-conflicting conversation. A week passes by so I just say, “hey, can I just ask if I said something wrong?” He leaves me on read again. Leaves me on read a month, I don’t blow up people’s inboxes if they don’t want to talk, fuck it, move on. I unfriend him.

Month later: “HEY, CAN YOU CALL ME?” Call you? We talked on Tinder and FaceBook for two days then you ghosted me. We are not on phone call level, but hey, want to video chat? I wanted to see what he wanted. So we hop on cam and he tells me he got gunshy over feeling into me and had to get his head straight. We had a great conversation, we talked for like two hours. He asked if he could come over and I said no. I felt into him again, it seemed to be mutual, but after being ghosted I’m proceeding with caution. I shouldn’t even give you a chance at all. If I wanted a one night stand then cool but that ain’t me.

He seemed to understand that I wasn’t trying to fuck casually, I had made that clear from the start, but again, no reason to invite him over. I don’t like people acting all enthused then going cold which is exactly what he did the first time we talked. But I gave him my number, the 2nd time in a year I’ve given a man my number because I don’t fuck with my phone, and we talked the next day. Then he disappears again, the same shit he did before, even after I had told him how uncool that was when we talked the last time and he acknowledged. That’s the problem: people don’t listen, don’t care, only care about themselves, and they will burn you. That is why I did not trust him and he proved me right. If he contacts me again I’m ignoring it so he can get a taste of his own medicine. I’m not spiteful, it’s just the karma he deserves. I don’t need to keep a toxic person around just because they’re pretty.

Now, I don’t know all of his issues, but another thing I must add about this guy: he was 30 and had been with the same girl since he was 15 (they broke up months ago). Ouch! This is kind of a touchy subject because I am not trying to put down long term relationships. I would like one, BUT, I don’t think that anyone should go into one without prior experience. I think that one should be older than 22, established, and with experience under their belt before committing to a potential life partner. These are just my thoughts, nothing I think should be rules. I feel this guy was damaged goods solely because he had been latched to this woman all of his adult life. He could overcome it but it would be hard. The main thing, is if you’re going to have a breakup, mutual or not, CUT ALL TIES or at least space yourself for a while. I personally prefer a clean cut where I don’t talk to the person. I only have contact access to two of my major exes, they are FaceBook friends and we don’t have conversations. One I haven’t spoken to since 2016 (split in 2011) and the other just wishes me happy birthday each year (split in 2009).

You don’t keep your recent ex around telling you that they miss you in your FaceBook comments, especially if they’re the one that dumped you! Toxic, and in turn it made the ginger toxic. Then recently there was another guy, also 30, that had been with a woman for a decade and he was clingy as shit so I couldn’t deal with him. I’m comfortable being single so I can walk away easily from anyone. So don’t fuck me over or I’m done, and if you try to be up my ass because you are less experienced than me with relationships, then boy, bye.

So, fast forward to present times, I match with this super hot local on Tinder. Okay, I sound petty; I’d be perfectly happy with a guy with a shattered face like my ex, but this guy looked like a model. Not quality photos however, and seemed to be a real person. So we talk for a day on Tinder and it goes well. The next day, I just start getting stink vibes. He’s giving me a lot of compliments but not offering any substance. He hasn’t even asked me what I do for work, or any basic things that normally come up. The conversation basically just turns into, “oh, you’re awesome.” You may say I am ungrateful, but what is he even basing me being awesome on when he hasn’t even learned anything about me? The conversation seemed to mostly be about him, but I didn’t feel he was conceited or a player even. I felt he was more scripted. I felt something off like he was fake even though I think I had seen him before on a local site. I think that someone was using a local’s photos and old FB profile. He had said he wanted to meet and acted all into me but was “too busy.” Yep, I called bullshit and got rid of him.

Yesterday a friendly fellow on Badoo chatted me up and he was relaxed and kind of cute so we talked for an hour or so before I linked him to my blog. (Let’s face it, my blog is public as fuck and my worst stalkers already know where it is, so whatever). Well, he sees my recent post about finding myself attracted to an older man and wanted to know what I fantasized about.

I get that my blogs mention sexual things, but why does it always have to go deeper than that with people? Why is everyone lacking basic tact and wanting to know details? Like I mentioned earlier, everyone gets horny, but conduct yourself accordingly, damn. I’m not going to get some stranger off. Of course at this point the dude had killed the conversation and sensed it so he apologized for asking me about my fantasy there. Instead he asks, “what do you fantasize about the most with your future man?” This guy saw my openness on my blog and wanted to exploit it, okay, I get that I’m putting myself out there. But you don’t have to just automatically turn me into a blow-up doll! However, before I excused myself from the conversation, I did give him a response. I fully opened myself up and told him my deepest fantasies to explore with someone. Shit, I’ll share it all on here:

“Well, you really want me to tell you what I fantasize about having with a good looking man that makes me melt when I look at him?”

“I fantasize about sitting on the couch with him and eating pizza after a long workday. I would like to lay a blanket down on the beach right before it warms up and smoke a blunt. We would drive around, take pictures, and people watch. If he had a bad day or got hurt on the job I would make his favorite food and rub his muscles. He would bring me food when I didn’t feel well. There would be goofy selfies taken with our cats and dogs. And every night, or as many nights as he could make it, we would fall asleep together and feel safe and happy.”

Needless to say, that dude wasn’t pleased with my response. But remember, a girl’s pussy is only one part of her, show off as she may. 🤷‍♀️

ellaintrigue
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ellaintrigue·3 days agoPhoto

Aside from going to the doctor, getting groceries, and buying an insane amount of alcohol, I’ve been following quarantine and staying at home. I work most of each day and enjoy throwing toys for my two boy cats that stay in my side of the house. In the kitchen and living room I confine the 12 year old cat who doesn’t seem to want to obey quarantines. I was going outside with a litter box and she tried to run out so I put my leg in the way. She latches onto my pants and rips into them so I try to gently smush her face with my hand. She mauls my hand and I push myself outdoors and slam the door in her face. I can hear her clawing it, why are you like this?? I dump the box, come inside, and use it to push her away from the door. She skids sideways while trying to shred the corner of the box with her angry little drooling black mouth.

Mom says “Kittibelle is sensitive, no one understands her.” What exactly am I not understanding? I kept her because I like her and dad didn’t. She was my mom’s cat, a delicate two pound kitten I got from a coworker at my first job. She grew into an angry youth and would bite dad while sitting on the dining room table. He would yell and threaten to shoot her. The next night there she would be on the table and, intoxicated, he would reach out to pet her, again. And of course she would lock her jaw on his arm and he would wail, “fucking bitch, I’m going to take you out and shoot you!” as he smacked her off the table.

I’ve enraged my dad a few times in my adult life and he’s yelled, huffed off and gave me the silent treatment. “Daddy is sensitive, you hurt his feelings” mom chides. Note to self: avoid anyone sensitive.

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ellaintrigue·8 days agoText

Amazingly, as much as I’ve been through with men, I’m still hoping to find a connection one day. For the most part I don’t try too hard and enjoy talking to multiple men on sites like Badoo. It’s fun and helps pass the time. So 4 days ago I matched with a guy from DC on there and he seemed hippy and artsy like me so we had a lot in common.

He was clean (no jail swag) and attractive so I felt he was a good bet even though I still love my bad boys. It isn’t always about finding something wild and fun, it’s about who is stable and wholesome. He said he definitely wanted to meet and I felt enthused but suggested we talk longer. He showed me his dog, we talked about the current global situation, hobbies, interests, and he told me what he did for work (bakery) and I told him I was doing customer service and striving for more. Then it felt like he slapped me across the face.

The first time a man slapped me across the face I was shocked, humiliated, and instantly felt unsafe when I had felt safe a moment ago. It’s not a good feeling. Fortunately no one hit me this time but my new crush had work suggestions for me after I said I was trying to rebuild my career life: “you should be a cam girl, you have the looks for it, or find other ways to sell yourself!!”

In that moment, I felt hurt. I felt degraded. And every time a man does something to make me lose my trust it feels like it piles onto the ghosting, stealing, leading on, emotional betrayal, stalking, and assault that so many others have put me through. Which is a fucked up feeling that I could probably only get past with like 50 years of counseling.

“But you support the adult industry already,” said one of my friends when I told him. Yes, of course I do. There are plenty of college girls doing camming and stripping to make money. There are interactions where women get paid for sex and no one gets hurt. But it isn’t for me. And the problem is that this guy isn’t the first dude to say this stupid shit to me!

I don’t want men to give me money, I don’t beg for help, and I don’t come off desperate for work or like I’m fucked up when talking to new men. People like to slut shame me for doing pinup modeling but that ain’t even on dating sites. Face and body, fully clothed. There is no reason to assume I’m an exhibitionist. I even thought about my heavy makeup but even Church ladies do that shit. There’s a mutual friend between my mom and one her friends on FaceBook with heavy dark eyeliner, long mascara, huge swipes of eye shadow and thick plump hot pink lips and bleach blonde hair. And she is the biggest Bible thumping bitch out there, she told me I would burn in hell for being pro-choice once (I seriously need to get paid every time a conservative wishes me harm over my opinions so I can fucking retire). No one is going to tell that woman to hook or cam, a lot of women wear makeup.

Despite all of this, when I am talking to people on social media or new men, there is a literal fucking % of folks that tell me to strip off or sell myself when I mention I’m in between careers. I don’t get defensive although I know I’m done with the person in a few minutes, but I say it’s not for me. Then they usually ask me why I’m not comfortable with myself or my body (I swear these guys are their own cliche). At that point I ask them if they would tell their mom, sisters, or if they have young children, their daughters, to strip or hook and they usually get mad and block me.

I asked this attractive curly-haired guy I talk to daily if he felt it was wrong for people to suggest sex work to me at random and he said, “I think it is. If you don’t choose sex work on your own, you sure as shit don’t need someone to tell you to do it.” That validated my feelings a little, as I asked him after the DC guy made me feel like dirt. I wasn’t sitting there like “wah, why are people mean to me,” but seriously, why can’t people just be respectful? If a man asked me for job ideas I wouldn’t tell him to clean porta potties for a living (although that is good money).

None of my cherished thuggies would tell me to go hook! That’s because those guys grew up around drugs, hard lifestyles and seeing women hook out of desperation and get hurt on the street. And that’s the problem with the other guys I talk to that suggest this nonsense: they lack life experience and think every girl is going to do the shit they see on Pornhub. College kids, white-collar, geeks, and the other non-streetwise yuppies are sitting there with sex floating around in their heads and saying the first thing they think to women they try to date, then wonder why women don’t respect them.

Now, forget the fact I’m not interested in masturbating on camera for random strangers, let’s look at the big picture. Camming may not seem very sordid but I have to look at cam girls sometimes, and also deal with prostitutes to an extent in my online dealings.

Sure, you got the hot 20 year old college chick on cam sites but then you got a 50 year old woman the next screen over. She is pretty yet haggard and sits there fingering herself for… hours. Camming is generally low paying and the men are incredibly rude. So this woman sits there literally looking bored and she’s clearly dry, but she does it so she can get a check. There are wild chicks that like to be seen, but let’s face it: a lot of women are doing it out of desperation. For every 500 gawking guys roaring “THIS IS SO HOT” are 500 women trying to make ends meet and putting on fake smiles for hornballs for a few bucks.

Then let us not ignore that a lot of people in the sex trade have low inhibitions from being sexually abused as children. It’s just a theme I’ve been well aware of over the years. Sometimes it borders on self-destructive behavior mixed with drugs and extreme promiscuity. The jittery “whore” standing on the outside of town? Maybe her stepfather raped the fuck out of her over and over, no one did anything, and now she just feels really fucked in the head and needs an escape. Judge not.

A lot of cam girls and other digital sex industry workers are strippers and hookers, I guess that goes without saying. But it is just one more thing they’re doing for their pimp. Pimps aren’t always bad, you usually need one to make sure you don’t get raped or beaten. Of course there are plenty that basically enslave you and will rape and beat you too.

I have had to deal with a handful of pimps in my online dealings as well. They aren’t scary looking black men in fluffy purple suits, the majority are female and they are often strict people with a vibe of unpleasantness that skirt lesser regulated online adult industries. One was dealing out some shit with a vague reference to children and I ran like hell. Throughout the rural USA South there is a lot of prostitution and child exploitation.

The main theme of what I see in my digital exploring is a fuckton of porn. Many a pretty blonde, of course, but then we go right back to women down on their luck. There are tons of scars and I can’t tell if they are from childbirth procedures and complications or worse things. One woman had a missing breast but I knew that was from cancer. Many women are 50+ with the flash of a shitty camera giving them eerie red eyes and so many look sad.

Everyone is horny and wants to have fun in this life, it’s human nature and something I as well crave. But it will be with a man that respects me, not one that tells me I should sell my vagina. And while there are women that love doing porn, getting paid for sex and showing off, there are plenty that don’t. There are so many women that are desperate for money, that have been abused and don’t even know what it’s like to be loved, and are trapped into a vicious loop of a lifestyle that they will never escape from.

Or I can dumb it down this way: if you wouldn’t masturbate online to an insulting crowd of foreign guys or allow yourself to be penetrated by multiple strangers for money then definitely don’t suggest it for someone else to do.

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