Amazingly, as much as I’ve been through with men, I’m still hoping to find a connection one day. For the most part I don’t try too hard and enjoy talking to multiple men on sites like Badoo. It’s fun and helps pass the time. So 4 days ago I matched with a guy from DC on there and he seemed hippy and artsy like me so we had a lot in common.
He was clean (no jail swag) and attractive so I felt he was a good bet even though I still love my bad boys. It isn’t always about finding something wild and fun, it’s about who is stable and wholesome. He said he definitely wanted to meet and I felt enthused but suggested we talk longer. He showed me his dog, we talked about the current global situation, hobbies, interests, and he told me what he did for work (bakery) and I told him I was doing customer service and striving for more. Then it felt like he slapped me across the face.
The first time a man slapped me across the face I was shocked, humiliated, and instantly felt unsafe when I had felt safe a moment ago. It’s not a good feeling. Fortunately no one hit me this time but my new crush had work suggestions for me after I said I was trying to rebuild my career life: “you should be a cam girl, you have the looks for it, or find other ways to sell yourself!!”
In that moment, I felt hurt. I felt degraded. And every time a man does something to make me lose my trust it feels like it piles onto the ghosting, stealing, leading on, emotional betrayal, stalking, and assault that so many others have put me through. Which is a fucked up feeling that I could probably only get past with like 50 years of counseling.
“But you support the adult industry already,” said one of my friends when I told him. Yes, of course I do. There are plenty of college girls doing camming and stripping to make money. There are interactions where women get paid for sex and no one gets hurt. But it isn’t for me. And the problem is that this guy isn’t the first dude to say this stupid shit to me!
I don’t want men to give me money, I don’t beg for help, and I don’t come off desperate for work or like I’m fucked up when talking to new men. People like to slut shame me for doing pinup modeling but that ain’t even on dating sites. Face and body, fully clothed. There is no reason to assume I’m an exhibitionist. I even thought about my heavy makeup but even Church ladies do that shit. There’s a mutual friend between my mom and one her friends on FaceBook with heavy dark eyeliner, long mascara, huge swipes of eye shadow and thick plump hot pink lips and bleach blonde hair. And she is the biggest Bible thumping bitch out there, she told me I would burn in hell for being pro-choice once (I seriously need to get paid every time a conservative wishes me harm over my opinions so I can fucking retire). No one is going to tell that woman to hook or cam, a lot of women wear makeup.
Despite all of this, when I am talking to people on social media or new men, there is a literal fucking % of folks that tell me to strip off or sell myself when I mention I’m in between careers. I don’t get defensive although I know I’m done with the person in a few minutes, but I say it’s not for me. Then they usually ask me why I’m not comfortable with myself or my body (I swear these guys are their own cliche). At that point I ask them if they would tell their mom, sisters, or if they have young children, their daughters, to strip or hook and they usually get mad and block me.
I asked this attractive curly-haired guy I talk to daily if he felt it was wrong for people to suggest sex work to me at random and he said, “I think it is. If you don’t choose sex work on your own, you sure as shit don’t need someone to tell you to do it.” That validated my feelings a little, as I asked him after the DC guy made me feel like dirt. I wasn’t sitting there like “wah, why are people mean to me,” but seriously, why can’t people just be respectful? If a man asked me for job ideas I wouldn’t tell him to clean porta potties for a living (although that is good money).
None of my cherished thuggies would tell me to go hook! That’s because those guys grew up around drugs, hard lifestyles and seeing women hook out of desperation and get hurt on the street. And that’s the problem with the other guys I talk to that suggest this nonsense: they lack life experience and think every girl is going to do the shit they see on Pornhub. College kids, white-collar, geeks, and the other non-streetwise yuppies are sitting there with sex floating around in their heads and saying the first thing they think to women they try to date, then wonder why women don’t respect them.
Now, forget the fact I’m not interested in masturbating on camera for random strangers, let’s look at the big picture. Camming may not seem very sordid but I have to look at cam girls sometimes, and also deal with prostitutes to an extent in my online dealings.
Sure, you got the hot 20 year old college chick on cam sites but then you got a 50 year old woman the next screen over. She is pretty yet haggard and sits there fingering herself for… hours. Camming is generally low paying and the men are incredibly rude. So this woman sits there literally looking bored and she’s clearly dry, but she does it so she can get a check. There are wild chicks that like to be seen, but let’s face it: a lot of women are doing it out of desperation. For every 500 gawking guys roaring “THIS IS SO HOT” are 500 women trying to make ends meet and putting on fake smiles for hornballs for a few bucks.
Then let us not ignore that a lot of people in the sex trade have low inhibitions from being sexually abused as children. It’s just a theme I’ve been well aware of over the years. Sometimes it borders on self-destructive behavior mixed with drugs and extreme promiscuity. The jittery “whore” standing on the outside of town? Maybe her stepfather raped the fuck out of her over and over, no one did anything, and now she just feels really fucked in the head and needs an escape. Judge not.
A lot of cam girls and other digital sex industry workers are strippers and hookers, I guess that goes without saying. But it is just one more thing they’re doing for their pimp. Pimps aren’t always bad, you usually need one to make sure you don’t get raped or beaten. Of course there are plenty that basically enslave you and will rape and beat you too.
I have had to deal with a handful of pimps in my online dealings as well. They aren’t scary looking black men in fluffy purple suits, the majority are female and they are often strict people with a vibe of unpleasantness that skirt lesser regulated online adult industries. One was dealing out some shit with a vague reference to children and I ran like hell. Throughout the rural USA South there is a lot of prostitution and child exploitation.
The main theme of what I see in my digital exploring is a fuckton of porn. Many a pretty blonde, of course, but then we go right back to women down on their luck. There are tons of scars and I can’t tell if they are from childbirth procedures and complications or worse things. One woman had a missing breast but I knew that was from cancer. Many women are 50+ with the flash of a shitty camera giving them eerie red eyes and so many look sad.
Everyone is horny and wants to have fun in this life, it’s human nature and something I as well crave. But it will be with a man that respects me, not one that tells me I should sell my vagina. And while there are women that love doing porn, getting paid for sex and showing off, there are plenty that don’t. There are so many women that are desperate for money, that have been abused and don’t even know what it’s like to be loved, and are trapped into a vicious loop of a lifestyle that they will never escape from.
Or I can dumb it down this way: if you wouldn’t masturbate online to an insulting crowd of foreign guys or allow yourself to be penetrated by multiple strangers for money then definitely don’t suggest it for someone else to do.