Bluebonnet
summary: Is Joel Miller your friend? No. Youâre not even sure if he actually likes you or just puts up with you because of his kid. Then he kicks some guy's ass in a bar for getting handsy with you, and youâre starting to think maybe he might like you a littleâŚ
rating: E (18+!! No y/n, Grumpy Joel Miller, Protective Joel Miller, Soft Joel Miller, age gap (unspecified but reader was born before the outbreak), unprotected p in v (wrap it up), creampie, oral sex (f + m receiving), 69 position, dirty talk, praise kink, spanking, spit mention, slight breeding kink, Joel has a big dick, Joel being kinda a dick, a random guy harassing you then getting beat up by Joel, canon typical violence, icing Joelâs knuckles, feelings confessions, Ellie being Ellie and the star of the show, AU where Joel doesnât lie to Ellie and their relationship is still good)
pairing: Joel Miller/f!reader
word count: 5.5k+
a/n: Literally, a scene in this woke me up from dead sleep at five in the goddamn morning, and I spent thirty minutes plotting the whole one shot while barely awake. This fic was very spur of the moment that I wrote in less than two days, so itâs unbetaâd. All mistakes are my own. Please be horny about Joel protecting you with me.
Thank you for reading! Comments and reblogs feed me. Iâd love to know what you thought!
Masterlist
Is Joel Miller your friend?Â
No.Â
Are you on friendly terms?
You thought so.Â
Joel isnât the most social of fellasâheâs basically a feral cat that wants to be left alone.
If you arenât friends with him, then how did you become the regular occupant of the seat across from his in the Jackson mess hall every breakfast and dinner?Â
The answer is simple: Ellie.Â
It all started months ago when you first got to Jackson and met the teen after being assigned to a job rotation with her. She was so excited about finding out you lived in Texas for many years before the world went to hell she invited you to eat dinner with her so you could meet someone, and thatâs how you were introduced to Austin-native Joel Miller.Â
Heâs a bit older than you, never smiles, and isnât much of a talker but still polite enough to answer a question if you ask it, even if itâs more of a grumble at the start of the day. With Ellie, though, it was different. He talked to her, and his voice was like coming home after a long day and settling in on the couchâthat familiar Texan accent making you feel all warm and comfy, his words wrapping around you like a tight blanket and taking you back to a time when things were good and safe.Â
The morning after the first dinner, Ellie had called you over to sit with them for breakfast, and again that evening, little bits of conversation happening between bites as you got a grasp on what the relationship was between this young girl and manâit was clearly father-daughter in nature even if she didnât call him âdad,â and you savored every word she wheedled out of him.Â
It got to the point where the teenager didnât have to beckon you over, and you just knew to set your food down in the seat in front of Joel to eat with them, always smiling at Ellie giving him so much shit, chatting with them or more the young girl, with Joel occasionally offering clipped anecdotes, and you trying not to acknowledge his handsomenessâyou werenât sure if he even liked you or if he was just putting up with you for the sake of his kid. Â
He does have a lovely voice and is very attractive with those expressive chocolate-colored eyes that sometimes soften when he looks at his daughter; you could imagine his grey hair would be soft to the touch, and itâs obvious those full lips of his are kissable. Honestly, itâs surprising heâs not seeing anyone that you know of or Ellie is aware of, with how damn pretty he is.
His broad shoulders and how his flannels stretch over his chest.Â
His neck.Â
God, heâs sure nice to look at.Â
And Ellie is a great kid who trusted you, coming to you anytime she needed advice or wanted to talk about something, and you were happy to be there for her.Â
The breakfast and dinner routine had been going on for so long that even though Joel didnât talk at length to you, youâd managed to learn quite a bit about him from questions heâd answer or conversations he had with his kid or brother in front of you. He definitely knew a lot about you, too.Â
Now, back to why youâre not sure if he likes you.Â
That morning when you went to breakfast, you were running on autopilotâpiled your plate with food, grabbed your cup of shitty coffee that made you want to cry with how much you missed Starbucks, and set it all down in your usual spot, where you started to eat.Â
When your brain finally began working, thatâs when you realized it was abnormally quiet at your table, and you looked up to realize Ellie wasnât thereâit was just Joel. He must have seen some kind of look on your face since he grumbled out she was with a friend. Then when you asked if he wanted you to sit somewhere else, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion, and he told you no before going back to eating in silence.
That put a point in the maybe he wasnât just putting up with you for the sake of his daughter column and made you smile a little the rest of the meal. Â
She wasnât at dinner either.
This had you standing near your seat, chewing on your lip, debating on sitting elsewhere until Joel sighed loudly, setting down his fork to tell you in a tone that brokered no room for argument to sit, so you did.Â
After a few bites, you almost choked to death when he asked how your day was.Â
There was actual back and forth between just the two of you, and you were in heaven at how much he was speaking, another point going toward he might like you.Â
Those interactions had you feeling really hopeful, and you were excited for breakfast the next day, wondering if heâd try to talk to you more.Â
Itâs been over half a year since you arrived in town, and you have managed to make some friends, who you knew for sure were your friends, and also closer to your age. When a couple of them asked if you wanted to get a drink that night and play some pool, you happily agreed.Â
The place is practically empty when you arrive.Â
Standing at the bar, chatting with your friend Mathias as you wait for the bartender to make your drinks, you can feel someone staring at you. Doing a quick glance of the room has your stomach dropping and is the reason youâre pretty fucking sure Joel doesnât care for you; heâs sitting across the room at a table in the corner, glaring at youânot just glaring, if looks could kill youâd be deader than dead he looks so pissed off, and youâre about to go find out what his problem is when two things happen:
Mathias excuses himself to the restroom, and some man youâve never seen, let alone spoken to, gets your attention on your other side.Â
âHey.â The interloper squeezes your arm, which makes your head turn toward him, shaking him off.
âDonât touch me,â you reply.Â
Thereâs nothing special about the guyâheâs probably younger than you, has floppy blonde hair, and a clean-shaven face, but something in his eyes made you feel uneasy.Â
âMy apologies,â he says, putting up his hands placatingly. âThis is my first night here, and Iâm just trying to make a new friend. Have a drink with me.âÂ
âWelcome to Jackson, and no, thank you, Iâm here with friends.âÂ
âIâm sure they wonât mind if you have one drink with me.â His voice goes lower, âWe could have some real fun together.â He has the audacity to grab your ass, and you step out of his reach.Â
âI said donât fucking touch me.âÂ
The bartender has gone into the back, Mathias is nowhere in sight, and your other friend is in another room where the pool table is with the jukebox playing.Â
Something flashes in his eyes, and it has your heart pounding.Â
âDonât be like that. Just one drink,â he says, coming closer.Â
You are readying to fight the bastard when all of a sudden, someone is grabbing his collar, and you see a fist connect with his face in a sickening crunch that makes you gasp.Â
Joel yanks the guy in front of him.Â
âShe said not to fuckinâ touch her,â he grits through his teeth. âAnd that she didnât wanna have a drink with you.âÂ
âIâm sorry,â the other man wheezes, blood oozing from his clearly broken nose. âIâll leave.âÂ
âYes, you fuckinâ willâafter I teach you some fuckinâ manners.âÂ
With that, he punches him again and again and again.
Youâre no damsel in distressâyouâve survived the fucking apocalypse for the last twenty years practically alone and could easily fight your way out of dangerous situations. But having someone stand up for you and protect you? Itâs really doing it for you, except youâre genuinely worried Joel will murder this man, so you move toward him.Â
âStop, Joel!â you shout, pushing on his shoulder, and he does immediately, his eyes meeting yours. âHeâll leave; toss him out. Please, Joel. Donât kill him.âÂ
His chest rises and falls as he pants, nodding his head once before hauling the groaning man to the door and throwing him out. The bartender chose that moment to come back, as well as your friend.Â
There was a worried expression on Mathiasâ face. âIs everything okay?â he asks.Â
âYeah,â you answer. The drinks are sitting on the bartop, and you gesture toward them. âIâve got something to do, so take those for me, okay?âÂ
Confusion is etched on his brow. âOkayâŚ?â He strategically picks up the three glasses and heads for the other room with the pool table.Â
Your attention moves to the man behind the bar. âHey, can I get some ice in a rag?âÂ
âSure thing,â he replies, going to the block and using the ice pick.Â
Joel didnât return to you. Instead, he went back to his table like the last however many minutes didnât happen, and it makes you sigh.Â
His mixed signals have you so confused youâre ready to just get it all out in the open.Â
The bartender hands you some ice wrapped in a towel, and you walk over to Joel, having to drag the seat across from his around so youâre next to him, seeing his right hand shaking around his glass with bloodied knuckles.Â
He wonât even look at you.Â
âGive me your hand,â you order him.Â
âIâm fine.âÂ
âNo, youâre not. Give me your fucking hand.âÂ
âNo.âÂ
âStop being a stubborn asshole, and let me ice your fucking knuckles.â
âI said Iâm fine.âÂ
He wonât give you his hand, so you do the next best thing and press the ice against them while they hold his drink, Joel hissing at the coldness.Â
His head turns to glare at you.Â
âDonât give me that look.â You glare right back. âIâm helping you.âÂ
âI donât need your help,â he practically spits out.Â
Taking a deep breath, you ready yourself for what youâre going to say.Â
âWe had a nice dinner,â you tell him.Â
His eyebrows furrow.Â
âWhat?âÂ
âWe had a nice dinner with just the two of us where we talkedâyou didnât smile, but it was the most youâve ever said to me, and this morning, you let me eat with you. Youâre not a people person, and I wasnât sure if you liked me all that much, but our meals today made me think you might. Then tonight you were glaring at meââ
âWhen was I glarinâ at you?â he interrupts.Â
âBefore that creep started getting handsy.âÂ
âOh, I wasnât lookinâ at youâŚâ His eyes dart away.Â
Youâre confused.Â
âThereâs like no one here. Who were you looking at?âÂ
He sighs loudly. âYour boyfriend,â he mumbles.Â
âHuh?âÂ
âYour boyfriendâthe guy youâre here with.âÂ
âOh, Mathias? Iâm not his type, and heâs already in a relationship. I donât have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, or a partnerâIâm not seeing anyone. You should know this.âÂ
âOh.âÂ
âOkay, so you werenât glaring at me, you were glaring at my non-existent boyfriend, and then you came in hot like some knight in shining armor and beat the shit out of that asshole for doing me wrong. Sooo, you maybe like me?âÂ
He looked at you with a squinted gaze, like the answer was obvious.Â
âI more than maybe like you,â he replies.Â
That has your eyes widening.Â
âWait, in the romantic or platonic sense?âÂ
âThereâs no point in talkinâ about this,â he sighs, looking down at the amber liquid in his cup.Â
âUm, yes, there is because if I have a shot at breaking off a piece of this Kit Kat bar, Iâd like to take it.âÂ
His gaze met yours, and you could see the hope swirling in the dark pools.Â
âIn the, uh, romantic or platonic sense?âÂ
Smiling, you answer, âRomanticâIâve basically been crushing on you since I met you. Weâve known each other for months, almost a year. Youâre such a good father to Ellie, a hard worker around town, and you let some random person sit with you during your mealsââ
It takes your breath away when he smiles softly and talks when you pause, âYouâre not some random person, and I wouldâve been stupid to turn away such a beautiful woman.âÂ
âOh, god, youâre hot and charming.â He chuckles, and your heart picks up in pace. âHow are you making me like you more?âÂ
âI donât know, Blue.âÂ
âBlue?âÂ
âAs in Bluebonnet.âÂ
Which was Texasâ state flower and makes you feel so soft at how sweet the nickname is.Â
âI love it.âÂ
The smile falls from his face.Â
âYou, uh, donât mind my age?â He scratches at his mustache.Â
Ellie had made you very aware of how old Joel was.Â
âNo? I think youâre extremely attractive. Does the age difference bother you?âÂ
âNo.â He shakes his head.Â
âWhat now?â you ask.Â
âJesus, itâs been so fuckinâ long,â he says, scrubbing a hand over his face. âI guess Iâll court youâtake you on a proper date.âÂ
âSecond option, thatâs more immediate, and we can go with your plan tomorrow.âÂ
He looks at you.Â
âYeah?âÂ
âIs Ellie home tonight?âÂ
His eyebrows dip together.Â
âYeah?âÂ
Smirking, you say, âOkay, so why donât we go back to my place, and I properly thank you for what you did tonight.âÂ
You see his throat bob as he swallows, his voice going deeper when he asks, âHow do you wanna thank me?âÂ
A smile pulls up on your lips, moving forward to whisper in his good ear, âI was thinking Iâd suck your dick.â His breath stutters. âThen have you fuck me however you want.â That makes him groan, and you grin.Â
His hand moves out from under the ice and up to cradle your face, along with the other, when his body turns, making you look him in the eyes.
âI was stupid for leavinâ you alone âcause I assumed you wouldnât want anythinâ to do with someone as old as me.âÂ
You snort. âUh, yeah. You went a little hard with the leaving me alone, but Iâll forgive you if you kiss me right now.âÂ
No other words are said. His mouth crushes against yours, swallowing your surprised sound as he kisses you hard. Your fingers end up tangling in his grey waves of hair, your heart hammering in your chest and pulsing at the apex of your thighs. Itâs obvious he hasnât kissed in a while, and youâre in the same boat, both of you figuring things out until thereâs a rhythm, and things are heating up with a slip of your tongue into his mouth to slide along his. The need inside you builds and builds until your lungs start to ache for oxygen, and you break apart, his nose nuzzling yours as you both pant with a smile on your lips.Â
âLetâs go,â he says, and you donât have to be told twice. Â
He washed his hands before you left the bar, so it wasnât obvious heâd just been in a fight.Â
Having Joel lead you through town is like having a big, scary dog on a leash with how people get out of his way. Itâs a little surprising he even knows where you live when you find yourself walking through your front gate.Â
âHowââ
âEllie,â he answers before you even ask the question, his feet stomping up the two porch steps and you following. âSheâs free to hang out with whoever and go wherever. I just ask she tells me where sheâll be.âÂ
âThatâs very âcool dadâ of you.âÂ
Youâre standing at the front door, him out of your way.Â
âSheâs not allowed to leave Jackson without me. If I tell her to stay away from someone, she stays away from them. I expect her to be a model citizen and do the jobs sheâs required to do. Unless we talked beforehand, she must be home in time for breakfast and dinner.âÂ
âSo, today, you knew itâd just be the two of us?âÂ
âShe asked last night to stay at Catâs house.â Thatâs Ellieâs best friend. âTheyâre staying over at our place tonight.âÂ
âProbably wonât even notice youâre missing then,â you say with a smile. The doorâs unlocked, and you push it open before turning to grab Joel by the collar, pulling him in for a kiss as he walks you backward into the house with his arms wrapping around your back.Â
Itâs a tangle of tongues, a clash of teeth, one of Joelâs hands moving to massage your breast while your fingers worked open the buttons on his shirt, him shrugging it off by the time you make it to your bedroom door you led him to. Once inside, he strips you first, spending quite a bit of time licking and sucking on your tits when theyâre bared and stopping you when you try to work open his pants, learning heâs really fucking strong when he easily tosses you onto the middle of the bed.Â
Quickly, youâre sitting up on your knees, and you get a good look at the sizable bulge at the front of his jeans; Joel standing there with his hands on his hips, staring at your body with a hungry gaze, his tongue swiping across his bottom lip. Scars are littering the golden expanse of skin on his front and arms of varying sizes, a newer one you spot on his lower torso, all of them telling you heâs fought like hell to make it to this point.Â
Shuffling forward, youâre tired of waiting, your hands going to the button on the front of his pants. Joelâs palm engulfs yours to stop you, his head tilting down to meet your confused eyes.Â
âYou donât need to suck my dick for what I did,â he says.Â
âOkay. What if I just want to suck your dick for the hell of it?â
His lips tip up in a crooked smile, and youâre enjoying seeing his different smiles.Â
âThen have at it, but I wanna lick your pussy until you come on my tongue.âÂ
You suck in a breath, your cunt clenching hard around nothing.Â
âIf you can get me off with your mouth, youâre not gonna be able to get rid of me.âÂ
His eyebrow arches. âIs that so?âÂ
âYeah. Youâll be stuck with me.âÂ
Thereâd been enough talking, so you deftly popped open the button and pulled down the zipper, grabbing the waistband to tug his jeans down his thighs. Youâre pleasantly surprised he goes commando, and then you get a good look at his hard cock, and itâs glorious.Â
Heâs thick, long, with a nice curve upwards, and youâre wondering if youâll be able to fit him in your mouthâyouâre definitely up for the challenge, licking your lips at the thought. Your fingers donât even wrap all the way around him when you take him in hand, giving him a few quick strokes.Â
âWait,â he says, stopping your movements.Â
âWhat?â you ask, looking up at him.Â
âHold on,â is all he replies, getting his pants the rest of the way down, kicking them off, and removing his socks. Walking around the side of your queen size bed, youâre turning in place to follow his movements as he gets on the mattress with a groan and the springs squeaking as he moves to the middle, his legs on either side of you, grabbing one of your pillows to put under his head that he lifts to look at you. âSit on my face.â Itâs an order, and he pats his chest to show you he means it.Â
âI thought I was giving you a blow jobâŚ?â You point at his dick resting against his stomach.Â
âYou are,â he replies. âWeâre doinâ both. Now, get up here,â he orders again, his face grumpy, patting his chest once more.Â
âSheesh,â you say, moving over his leg and up the bed, thankful you showered before you went out. âYouâre really bossy when youâre horny.âÂ
When youâre within reach, he replies, âIâll show you fuckinâ bossy,â and he puts his strength to work again, grunting while hauling you onto him with your back to his head and legs along his sides. His hand lands on the side of your ass in a sharp slap that makes you gasp, feeling the wetness between your legs, coating your inner thighs. âIâm eatinâ this pretty fuckinâ pussy,â he says, positioning you over his face, his hand giving your asscheek another hard spank causing you to clench. âAnd youâre gonna wrap that gorgeous fuckinâ mouth around my cock.â
You canât respond because all train of thought leaves your brain when his mouth latches onto your cunt, feeling him groan into your sensitive skin, the sensations making your toes curl, and fire erupt in your center.Â
âOh my god, Joel,â you moan. âItâs so good. Itâs so fucking good.âÂ
It takes a deep breath for you to focus on your task, spitting on your hand before grasping his hard dick in your palm, the tip red and shiny with his arousal, lowering your face to take him into your mouth. Heâs salty on your tongue, your jaw open as wide as it will go as you hollow your cheeks and bob your head, stroking the considerable amount that wonât fit.Â
His hands have a firm grip on your hips, pulling you farther down on his face, and youâre really worried heâs going to suffocate while he eats you out like a man starving. Pleasure in winding in your belly, tighter and tighter, with how heâs licking at your folds, your eyes rolling back in your head when he sucks your sensitive little clit between his lips.
Heâs really going to make you come, and it feels so fucking good youâre having a hard time sucking his cock, so lost in what heâs doing to youâsaliva is dripping out of your mouth and down his shaft, making your hand slide easily along him while you have half a mind to suckle on the head of him.Â
You hit your breaking point suddenly, the coil inside you snapping, your body tensing up as you come with a loud moan, euphoria spreading out from your core. Joel groans into your cunt, his tongue pushing inside your sopping entrance to taste your release straight from the source, his hands grabbing handfuls of your ass and squeezing hard. Â
He must get his fill because he moves you off his face, hearing him take a deep breath.Â
âMy good fuckinâ girl,â he says through panted breaths, rubbing your hips, his words causing a shiver to move down your spine. âAm I stuck with you?âÂ
Youâd given up on blowing him, your forehead resting against his thigh.Â
âYeah,â you slur, sounding drunk. âHow are you single?â Itâs been a while since youâve had that good of an orgasm.Â
He sighs and taps your hip. âTurn around, baby.âÂ
Doing your best to turn, Joel helps you, getting you to straddle over his lower torso, your hands finding their place on his warm, flushed chest, seeing the grey hairs of his beard shining with your arousal and his lips frowning.Â
âLike you said earlier,â he says. âIâm not a people person.âÂ
Your eyebrows knit together.Â
âIâm peopleâŚâÂ
âNo, youâre not. Youâre my Texas Bluebonnetâmy Blue.â His large palm comes up to stroke your cheek.Â
Youâre wondering something. âWhy did you talk to me at dinner?âÂ
A sheepish look comes over his face. ââCause we were alone, and I didnât have to worry about Ellie teasinâ me in front of you about my crush.âÂ
âShe knows?â
He grimaces. âSuspects. Since thereâs only three people on this godforsaken planet I like, and youâre one of them.âÂ
âAnd Iâm the only one whoâs not familyâoh, thatâs obvious.âÂ
âYeahâŚâÂ
âWell, how do you want me?âÂ
He looks confused. âHuh?âÂ
âI said you can fuck me however you want,â you answer, sliding your hands up his pecs. âHow do you want me, babe?âÂ
When he smiles this time, you get a glimpse of his teeth. âRide me.â
His answer has you grinning. âCowgirl, like a true Texan.âÂ
âI just love your tits,â he says, his big hands palming them.Â
âGood to know,â you reply with a wink.Â
Sitting up on your knees, you scoot back to get over his hips. His dick is still wet with your spit when you grab it and slide it through your folds before positioning him at your entrance.Â
There are nerves swirling in your belly, your eyes landing on his dark ones as you slowly start to drop down, seeing his mouth fall open with a gasp, his hands grabbing onto your thighs. You knew thereâd be a stretch, but heâs bordering on uncomfortable in how your walls have to expand for his size, feeling the slight burn. When you finally bottom out, youâre beyond fullâyouâve never felt fuller, and it takes your breath away.Â
âJesus Christ,â his words are said through his teeth, his eyes squeezed shut. âDonât move.â
His hard cock is throbbing inside you.Â
âBeen a while?âÂ
âYeah.â
âSame. Youâre so fucking big Iâm gonna be sore after this.â
His dick jerks as he groans, âDonât say that.â Â
âDamn, youâre that close?â you ask, soothingly stroking your hands over his chest.Â
You watch as his eyes blink open, the grumpy expression youâre used to appearing on his face.Â
âDonât make fun of me.â He slaps your ass. âI havenât fucked in a long time, and now Iâm inside the perfect pussyâyouâd be strugglinâ too if you were me.â
âIâm not making fun of you, Joel.â You lean forward to cup his cheek, feeling prickling stubble under your palm. âI think itâs hot. Like, you have no idea how flattered Iâd be if I made you come right awayâtalk about an ego boost.â
He doesnât look convinced, his eyes narrowing. Â
âAre you just sayinâ that to make me feel better?â
âNope.â To prove your point, you sit up, bracing yourself with your hands on his chest as you start circling your hips.Â
His mouth goes slack, his eyes widening, a choked noise pulling from his throat that makes you smirk. âFuck,â he pants. Thereâs sweat beading on his forehead, his cheeks a rosy pink. âYou fit me like a fuckinâ glove.âÂ
Youâre slowly building into an up-and-down motion, feeling every ridge and vein of his cock rubbing against spots you didnât know existed, sparks of pleasure igniting in your center as you throw your head back.Â
He must get a hold of himself because both of his hands come down on each of your asscheeks in loud, resounding smacks before heâs gripping them to help you move.Â
Looking down at him, thereâs concentration on his brow.Â
âYour tight little pussy is takinâ me so fuckinâ well,â he says, hearing the wet sounds where youâre joined. âYou love how I stretch you open?âÂ
âYes,â you moan.Â
Youâre moving a little faster, moving up, and falling down a little harder, making the fire in your belly get hotter and hotter.Â
âLean down.âÂ
Doing as he says, your hands are on either side of his head while he continues helping you ride him. He lifts his face to pull a pebbled nipple between his lips, and the pleasure shoots straight to your pussy, making you gasp and more arousal spill around his length.Â
He laves at one bud, then the other as you work yourself up, the new angle allowing the coarse hairs at the base of his cock to rub deliciously against your clit, and you know youâre close.
Joel is groaning loudly, clearly in heaven, with his dick inside you and his mouth on your tits.Â
âYou gonna come for me, baby?â he says around your hard nipple. âYou gonna let me feel you squeeze my dick? Let me fuckinâ have it. Be a good fuckinâ girl and give it to me.âÂ
Itâs all too much, everything coming to a head as you fall over the edge with a cry of his name, clenching so hard around him, youâve stopped moving with his cock buried to the root, pleasure radiating through your body.Â
Joelâs breathing hard under you, and you donât sound any better while you come down from your high.Â
His arms suddenly hug you close to him, and you squeak in surprise when he flips you onto your back with his dick still inside you and his hips nestled in the cradle of your thighs. Lips find yours in a searing kiss, moaning as you taste yourself, welcoming his tongue when it slips into your mouth to tangle with your own.Â
He starts moving to chase his high, his thrusts hard and fast.Â
The bedsprings are squeaking loudly, the headboard banging into the wall, hearing the wet suck of your pussy taking his cock and your muffled moans paired with his muffled groans. Thereâs no mistaking whatâs happening in this bedroom, and you just hope your neighbors donât complain in the morning.Â
Your fingers have threaded into his hair, your bodies sweaty, his lips leave yours, opening your eyes to see his face screwed up like heâs in pain.Â
âWhere do you want it?â he grits out.Â
If heâs asking, then he knows the risk.Â
âInside.âÂ
He opens his eyes wide. âAre you sure?âÂ
It is a rare thing to want these days.Â
âYes.âÂ
His pace speeds up, grunting as he pistons into you, resting his head in the crook of your neck, feeling his hot breaths.Â
âYou can fuckinâ have it,â he grunts. âFuck you full of meâmilk me fuckinâ dry. Fuck, youâre perfect.âÂ
You know heâs close when his thrusts get jerky, then heâs pushing in hard one last time with a guttural groan, feeling the hot spurts of his come filling you, his hips continuing to roll until they finally come to a complete stop. Itâs obvious heâs wrung out with how he practically collapses on top of you, but you welcome the weight, pushing your fingers into his hair and scratching at his scalp, which receives appreciative hums.Â
Minutes pass that neither of you speaks.Â
ââM sorry,â the words are murmured into your neck.Â
âFor what?â you softly ask.
âMakinâ you think I didnât like you.âÂ
âItâs kinda my fault, too. I mean, I am aware you donât like people but youâve eaten two meals a day with me for almost a year, so obviously you must like me somewhat.âÂ
His head comes up with his eyebrows furrowed and his lips frowning.Â
âI like you more than somewhat.âÂ
You smile. His hair is a mess, and you go about combing your fingers through it as you say, âYes, I know that now. You like me.âÂ
âI do.âÂ
âAnd I like you.âÂ
âGood.âÂ
âI said youâre stuck with me, so can this be more than a one-time thing?âÂ
His eyes squint in that same way where he thinks something is obvious.Â
âWhat?" he says. "Iâm not lettinâ you go anywhere. Youâre mineâmy Blue.âÂ
âGood. âCause youâre mine, too.âÂ
He kisses you passionately, and you lose yourself in it for a second until a thought has your eyes flying open and you pushing his face away.Â
âWhat?â he asks, bewildered.Â
âHow are you going to tell Ellie?âÂ
âShit. Uh, we can sit her down tomorrow nightââ
âNo, this is a conversation you need to have with her alone.âÂ
He winces. âIâll talk to her tomorrow night after dinner...âÂ
Is Joel Miller your boyfriend?Â
He absolutely hates you giving him that label, grumbling he prefers partner, but yes, he is your boyfriend.Â
Did Joel sneak out of your house in the early morning hours to his own so Ellie wouldnât know he was gone all night?
Also, yes.Â
Itâs the morning after, and youâre trying to act normal, ignoring how nervous you feel and the soreness between your legs as you sit down in your usual spot in front of Joel with your plate of breakfast. Heâs changed into clean clothes and looks like he hasnât slept, sipping on one of the two cups of shitty coffee in front of him, Ellie next to him already digging into some oatmeal with her spoon, which makes you realizeâ
âAh, fuck,â you say, both of them looking at you. âI forgot to grab a fork.âÂ
âIâll get you one, baby,â Joel says as he sets his coffee down and starts to get up.
The three of you go completely still. Your eyes are wide, Joelâs close in regret, his cheeks turning pink, and Ellie looks like sheâs going to explode with excitement untilâ
âYou guys FUCKED!â she shouts.Â
People around the mess hall turn to stare.Â
âEllie,â Joel hisses, his head whipping toward her.Â
âSorry, sorry,â she says in a quieter voice, the rest of the room returning to eating. âI knew it! Itâs about fucking time! So when are you getting married?â Sheâs looking between the two of you. âYou know, Iâve always wanted a mom! And a brother! Iâll settle for a sister, though. Is she moving in with us, Joel?â Sheâs staring at him expectantly with a grin.Â
Joelâs face is bright red. âIâm gettinâ the fuckinâ fork,â he grumbles as he gets up from his seat.Â
Masterlist
Thank you for reading! If youâd like to be tagged in my fics, please fill out the form in my bio, on my masterlist, or just let me know!Â
Tagging: @theorganasolo @absurdthirst @littlemisspascal @pedrostories @katareyoudrilling @iamskyereads @thefictionalgemini @lol-im-done @koryianders @flyingmushroomss @abbyhaslongshorts @savage-aespa @sofietargaryen @kpopslur @superflymaterial @virtuallia @shaunthesheesh @marsroxx @whore4dilfs @majdoline @mandowhatnow @autobotgirl15-blog @lentil-s0up @myloveistoolittle @squirtlebob @joliettes @aonungs-tsahik @javierpenasimp @thewayiknowyou @magic-magnoliaa @vanemando15 @eddiemunscns @gracie7209 @fan-fiction-floozy @butterscotch-mafia @deliriousfangirl61 @khaylin27 @notyourlovemonkey @a-wild-haggis @scorpiomindfuck @fandomandotherthings @seitmai @myswficlist @call-me-doll-face @fictionalmenloversblog @addisonnie @shaekirk @bitchwitch1981
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Looking Part 2
summary: Joel Miller always fucked like it was going to be his last time, and itâs no different when you get to the ski lodge.
rating: E (18+!! This is all smut. No y/n, Soft Joel Miller (but he fucks hard), unprotected p in v (wrap it up!), oral sex (f receiving), vaginal fingering, multiple orgasms, creampie (they know the risks), breeding kink (if you squint), dirty talk, praise kink)
pairing: Joel Miller/f!reader
word count: 2.8k+
a/n: This is honest to god, so self-indulgent. Thank you to the love of my life @juletheghoul for betaing and going along on this ride with me.
Thank you for reading! Comments and reblogs are appreciated!
Part 1 - Masterlist
Joel Miller always fucked like itâs going to be his last time.
Which, given the uncertainty of the world, made a lot of sense.
The ski lodge is located high up in the mountains that loomed outside of Jackson, the place in decent condition even after years of disuse. Thereâs tension between you and Joel, so thick you could cut it with a knife, sharing glances, and teasing words, working each other up the closer you get to your destination. Your panties are drenched from the promises Joel makes as you both ride, confessing all of the dirty things heâs planning to do to you.
âGonna spread open your gorgeous legs and bury my tongue in your pretty little cuntââ his voice is a low timbre that has you shivering. You both press your heels into your horses to make them speed up. âLick you âtill youâre cominâ all over my face.â
âJesus, Joel,â you breathe just loud enough for him to hear. He continues with his filth.
âIâll stretch you open on my cock, baby. Have you screaminâ my name while I wreck that tight little pussy, make you squeeze me, and come so hard youâre soakinâ my dick.â Your eyes close for a second, swallowing hard as you imagine him doing just that, arousal pooling in your belly.
âLove how fuckinâ wet you get when you come. You want that, baby? Want me to eat your pussy and fuck you âtill your legs shake?â He asks, and you nod your head in answer, gulping. âUse your words, sweetheart.â
Your skin is heated, breathing a little harder, riding fast enough that thereâs cool wind hitting your face that youâre thankful for.
âYes, Joel,â you answer.
The building is in view, and the anticipation is swelling.
âThatâs my greedy girl, are you drippinâ for me?â His eyes are burning into you with their intensity.
âYes.â
âGood girl,â he rasps, as you finally arrive, the two of you dismounting quickly.
As soon as the horses are tied up, he is ushering you through the large ornate doors, making sure they are locked up tight, before his mouth is on yours in a searing kiss, his hands moving along your body, palming your breasts and slipping under your sweater, wanting to feel as much of you as possible. Your fingers are threading in his hair, as he licks into your mouth, swallowing your moans, following his lead as he walks you to the closest piece of furniture, which happens to be an old couch, only stopping when your legs hit the edge of it.
âFuckinâ need you, baby,â his voice is so low and full of want, his lips moving messily along your jaw and down your neck.
âNeed you, too,â you gasp. âToo many clothes,â you say, angrily grabbing at his shirt.
Joel growls, his mouth leaving your skin, straightening as he starts removing his weapons from his body and setting them on a nearby coffee table, you doing the same, until all of your guns and knives are in a pile, and you start kicking off your shoes. Joel is already shucking off his blue flannel shirt, revealing his tan skin, your eyes drinking in the breadth of his chest and softened belly, his bulkiness and muscle from years of having to survive. You canât help but want to kiss up the line of his beautiful neck, his eyes lust-blown, looking at you hungrily as he suddenly moves into your space, his hands roughly getting your pants and tugging them and your underwear down and off your legs.
âGotta taste you,â he says, as he pushes you onto the ancient couch, gasping as you fall into the plush cushions.
Heâs kneeling down in front of you, his big hands rubbing up your legs, his breath ghosting over your skin until heâs gripping your thighs, and spreading you open for him. His eyes lock on your center, seeing you all wet and glistening, your slick seeping from you.
âSo fuckinâ pretty,â the words come out husky, his tongue peeking out to lick his bottom lip like heâs imagining what youâll taste like.
He kisses the inside of one of your thighs, feeling his scruff tickling your skin, biting your lip, as you shiver, watching him turn to kiss the other one, before quickly burying his face in your pussy, not able to go another second without getting that taste he so desperately wanted.
You moan loudly as he does one slow, savoring lick from your entrance to your clit, pleasure radiating from your core, and racing down your spine. He licks into you over and over again, tasting every inch of skin in front of him with the enthusiasm of a man determined to get every last drop of your arousal onto his tongue.
Heâs groaning into your sensitive skin, feeling the vibrations and the scratch of his beard as the muscles in your stomach begin tightening up, slowly building with each swipe of his tongue. You grab onto his hair, making him moan when you lightly tug on the thick greying strands, spurring him on, flicking his tongue against your clit, circling it, before sucking on it harshly. Your eyes roll back in your head, feeling like lightning is pulsing in your belly, the coil inside you winding tighter, so tight it makes your head spin.
âSo good, Joel,â you moan, tugging harder on his hair. âSo fucking good. Make me come, baby.â
He groans into you, his hand moving, a gasp falling from your lips when he presses a thick finger inside you, whimpering when a second follows, pushing in so easily with how wet you are, filling the ache in your core. Joel pumps them in and out of you, over and over again, his lips latching onto your clit, sucking on it, and making you whine out his name at the pleasurable sensations building inside you, getting you closer, and closer to the edge.
âClose, Joel. Fuck,â you gasp. âSo fucking close.â
The sounds between your legs are absolutely obscene, and your arousal flows, hearing Joel groaning while he licks and sucks at your cunt with complete abandonânoisy with his enjoyment, all of it riling you up. He crooks his fingers searching for a second before hitting something that has your back arching, shouting his name as your body tenses up, Joel keeping your one thigh down while the other closes against his head. He doubles down on his efforts, rubbing against that spot, and sucking hard on your clit.
âFuck, fuck, yes!â You cry.
The muscles in your stomach pull taut, and, finally, youâre coming undone, writhing as you come with a shout of his name, euphoria coursing through you, clenching and spilling slick around his digits. His mouth takes the place of his fingers, lapping up your juices, drinking you down as you tremble, and ride out your orgasm.
You come down slowly, and when you can think a coherent thought, youâre tugging him up on top of you, crashing your mouth against his and moaning when you taste your salty tang on him. He deepens the kiss, sliding his tongue along yours, your hands moving to palm his hard cock straining against his zipper, Joel groaning as you start undoing his pants with practiced motions.
âWant you inside me,â you murmur, speaking the words into his lips.
He breaks the kiss, looking at you with eyes that are dark pools, seeing the want and love shining so brightly in them it makes your chest get tight, and pussy throb.
âHow do you want it?â Joel asks.
âWanna ride you,â you answer huskily. âSit down,â you order.
He kisses you quickly.
âYes, maâam,â he says.
He moves to sit beside you, pushing his pants and underwear down his legs to bunch at his boots, freeing his cock thatâs flushed an angry red and weeping precum, jutting from his hips. He leans over, big hands grabbing around the sides of your torso firmly.
âUp you go,â he says, grunting as he hauls you into his lap easily, reminding you of just how strong he is. You fold your legs under yourself as you straddle his thighs.
The couch is soft beneath your shins, at odds with his hardness nudging against your pussy, all hot and throbbing, immediately desperate, thinking about how fucking good heâll feel inside you. You rise up, Joelâs hands a tight grip on your hips, helping lift you, while you reach down to grab the thick base of him, seeing him wet his bottom lip as he looks between your bodies.
âCome on, baby,â his voice is deeper, raspier. âLine me up.â
You position him, the thick tip resting at your wet entrance, moaning in unison as you start sinking down, feeling him stretch you open just like he promised, filling you inch by glorious inch until youâve taken him to the hilt, sitting flush against him.
âFuck, thatâs good,â Joel says in a strained voice, fingers digging into your waist. His length is pressing against all those sweet spots that make your toes curl, his eyes hooded, face looking slightly pained. âSo fuckinâ tight. Ride me, baby.â
You gasp out a fuck at the first rock of your hips, reveling in how thick and hard he is, so heavy inside you, making you feel so fucking full. Your hands are on his broad shoulders for purchase, his skin warm under your palms as you start moving in earnest, rising up and sliding back down, over and over again, going hard and steady. Joel is bucking his hips up into you, groaning as you move, your head falling back while soft noises slip from your mouth, loving every drag of his cock working in and out of you.
Joel suddenly grabs the hem of your sweater, pulling it up and off your body, followed by your bra, planting his feet on the ground, his big hands grasping your hips tightly as he helps lift you up and bring you back down harder, grunting as he fucks up into you. You feel the familiar heat burning in your belly, winding tightly with your muscles.
His hot mouth wraps around your hard nipple, shooting jolts of pleasure to your core, gasping his name, as he becomes ravenous, bodily fucking you on his cock, licking and sucking at your stiff peaks, moving from to the other, his beard rough against your tender flesh, making you mewl.
âCome for me, baby,â he says around your nipple. âWanna feel you come on my cock. Come on, sweetheart.â
Youâre riding him hard, bouncing in his lap, chanting his name. You tilt your hips slightly, causing his dick to press against that one spot that makes all thought leave your brain on each upstroke. Every nerve in your body lights up, digging your nails into the skin of his beautiful shoulders, hearing rough sounds in Joelâs throat as he continues to lave at your tits. The pleasure begins to sharpen, everything finally coming together as your orgasm crashes into you with a silent cryâyour pussy clamps down so hard around Joel he holds you against him, groaning loudly with how tightly youâre squeezing him, your body awash in ecstasy.
âThatâs it,â he murmurs against your breast, voice muffled. âThatâs my good girl. So fuckinâ good.â
He gives you a second, his mouth coming up to kiss you while he waits for you to relax and the aftershocks to pass, and once you stop fluttering around him, you gasp when he moves you both, using pure strength to get your back against the couch with him still inside you.
Your legs are put high up on his hips, your calves on his lower back, feeling his muscles work as he pulls out almost all the way before slamming back into you, over and over again, going deep and hard in a steady rhythm that has your mouth falling open. His head falls beside your own, grunting in your ear.
âSo fuckinâ tight âround me,â he growls the words. âTake me so wellâall fuckinâ wet.â You can hear the slick sounds of his cock pistoning into you, moans stuttering from your mouth. âLove fuckinâ this pussyâfuckinâ love you.â
âLove you, too,â you gasp out.
He somehow manages to fuck into you deeper, harder, sweat forming on both of your bodies, losing yourself to the pleasure of him losing himself, his body pressing into yours. Youâre hanging onto his shoulder blades, nails digging into his skin, as your stomach tightens, bunching up into knots, each thrust pushing you towards another climax.
âTouch yourself, baby,â he grunts. âNeed to feel you.â
You snake a hand between your bodies, pressing two fingers against your swollen clit, rubbing it in tight circles with the rough pads of your fingertips, igniting sparks in your belly, your body feeling like it was burning up from the inside out.
âClose, Joel,â you moan. âSo close.â
He keeps at his pace, panting in your ear like heâs just been in a fight. Youâre wound so tight that it doesnât take much more to have stars bursting behind your eyelids, spiraling into bliss with a trembling moan falling from your lips, scratching down his back as the pleasure spreads through your veins. Joelâs voice is the only thing you can hear in your lust-blown mind.
âSo good for me, baby,â he groans, choking out the words, feeling you fluttering around him. âThank you.â
Your legs are shaking, brain a floaty haze, as your body tingles, Joel continuing to fuck you through your climax to help you ride it out as he chases his own.
âGonna come,â he pants. âWhere do you want it?â
âInside,â you breathe.
A rumbling groan comes up his throat at your answer, knowing this isnât something he gets to do often, but you want to feel it, and you know he loves it, the consequences be damned.
He ruts into you hard and fast, and you can tell heâs close, can feel him thickening, his rhythm becoming uneven.
âGonna fill you up, baby,â he murmurs through grit teeth. âPump you full of me, and fuck it deep. Have you keep me inside all dayâfill you up âtill youâre drippinâ.â
You whimper at his words, his mouth crashing into yours, kissing you passionately, as he pushes in as deep as possible, pinning you down, your legs squeezing him to your body, locking him thereâJoel lets himself go, coming with a deep, guttural groan that vibrates in his chest, making you moan as you feel him pulse in your depths, his spend filling you, rolling his hips to fuck it so deep heâll be with you for days. It becomes too much, hearing him hiss from the oversensitivity as he stills.
His lips languidly trail along your jaw, before he nuzzles his face in your neck, collapsing on top of you. Your hands move up to rub your fingers through his sweat-soaked hair, scratching lovingly at his scalp, and hearing him hum happily in the back of his throat.
You both lay there, coming down from your highs, letting your heartbeats even out together, and basking in the orgasmic afterglow where nothing else matters but the two of you. This is the time when you can pretend like everything is fine and there isnât danger looming outside, as you hide away high up on this mountain. You savor these moments, like the picturesque views you witnessed on the ride here, tucking them away as reminders that there was still beauty in the world, still pleasure, still good things to love in all of the desolation.
Maybe it was the happy chemicals flowing through your body that were making you feel sappy, but Joel was another one of those reminders.
Though gruff and a bit hard around the edges, he was your sunshine on a rainy day, and you were doing your damndest to sand down those rough spots to bring out the softness you knew was in there, and your efforts were rewarded whenever the two of you were alone.
Joel Miller was only soft for two people on the entire planet: Ellie Williams and you.
And you cherished every second you got to be with him.
Minutes pass before Joelâs head comes up, a crooked smile on his lips as he looks at you.
âTold you the ski lodge was better than the lookout,â he says.
You snort.
âBecause of the furniture we can fuck on?â
He nods, looking proud of himself.
âCause thereâs furniture we can fuck on and nobody to interrupt us.â
That morning in bed, when things were heating up, youâd been interrupted by Ellie banging on the front door. To say you were both pent-up throughout the day was an understatement.
You smile.
âYou know, weâre here pretty early, and the rest of the patrol should only take us a couple of hours. We could maybe possibly spend a few more hours here, and still make it back to Jackson before check-in.â
Joelâs smile widens.
âI love the way you think, baby,â he kisses you tenderly.
When he breaks it, he gazes at you, his face softening.
âAnd I also love you,â he adds.
You feel yourself melt.
âAs youâve told me many times today,â you smile.
âAnd Iâll keep tellinâ you.â
Part 1 - Masterlist
Thank you for reading! If youâd like to be tagged in my fics, please fill out the form in my bio, on my masterlist, or just let me know!
Tagging: @androah @marvel-moviesfan @idungoofed @beepesant @supernaturalgirl20 @daddydindjarin @absurdthirst @kirsteng42 @littlemisspascal @athalien @thevoiceinyourheadx @elegantduckturtle @harriedandharassed @girlofchaos @mswarriorbabe80 @spanishmossmagnolia @star017 @javier-penas-wife @artsymaddie @hansolosleftbuttcheek @deadhumourist @pretty-brown-eyess @hotchlover @eternallyvenus @allfoolsinluv @eppy816 @katareyoudrilling @babykangaemoji @punkerthanpascal @breezythesimp @grimeysociety @bruxasolta @peachyaeger @din-jarhead @lovesbiggerthanpride @loonymagizoologist @pinebeam @spacenerdpascal @padbrookcottage @karlawithacapitalk @trickstersp8 @that-friend-in-the-corner @iamskyereads @beskarprincessjenny @beecastle @manuymesut @alexxavicry @leithatnight @Trinkets01 @boiistfu @pedropascalsx @kulicny @xoxabs88xox @tombraider42017 @enjoyourlattebitch @MrsParknuts @totallynotastanacc
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Looking Part 1
summary: You're on patrol with Joel Miller outside of Jackson, admiring the scenery, and heâs admiring something else.
rating: T (Soft Joel Miller, established relationship, post-TLOU 1, flirting, failed attempt at flirting, mentions of sex)
pairing: Joel Miller/f!reader
word count: 1k+
a/n: There will be smut in part 2, like over 2.5k. A fic for my follower celebration for an anon who requested Joel Miller, and the prompt, âHave I told you I love you today?â I figured Iâd keep the first part relatively tame because Iâm pretty sure they just wanted some soft, fluffy Joel, and I am very happy to provide. Shoutout to my beta invisibleismyname, who is amazing. And also a big thanks to the love of my life, @juletheghoul, who also betaâd. You should check out her amazing Joel series.
Thank you for reading! Comments and reblogs are appreciated!
Part 2 - Masterlist
You lived in a world where the future was uncertain. You woke up each day with the possibility that it would be your last, but when you moved to Jackson, your chances of survival skyrocketed. For once, since everything had gone to shit, you could relax a littleâin the confines of the town walls, you could even let your guard down, not by much, but enough to allow a gruff, hard man to worm his way into your heart, and bed, the two of you deciding that if your days were numbered, youâd go about them together. Tentatively allow yourselves to be happy under the circumstances.
Letting Joel Miller get you a drink in the bar soon after youâd arrived had been the best decision of your entire life, second only to moving to Jackson in the first place. Youâd been happily together for over a year, living together in his house, with his adopted daughter, Ellie, taking up residence in the converted garage out back, wanting her own space.
There is a chill in the morning air, the sun beaming down and melting the last remnants of snow high up on the ridge, as you ride astride your horse, Joel on his own beside you and closest to the edge. He is a little behind, allowing you a clear view into the valley below, with the town surrounded by so many green trees and the mountains in the distance towering on the horizon. The view always takes your breath away, the picturesque scene, staring in wonder at how there was still beauty in this desolate world, and you cherish these moments where there are no signs of deathâonly life, so much beautiful, and rich life.
âThis is why I asked Maria for this patrol,â Joel says, pulling you from your reverie.
Your eyebrows furrow as you look at him, finding him watching you with soft eyes and a fond smile on his lips.
He is wearing his blue flannel today, the material stretching tight across those broad shoulders of his. Youâd trimmed his hair the night before, his greying waves moving in the breeze, and the bald spots in his patchy beard looking kissable.
âWhat?â You ask.
âYou get this look when you take it all in like youâve never seen anything so beautiful. Your breath hitches, and eyes go big as saucers like youâre seeinâ it for the first time, even though weâve been through here before,â he smirks. âItâs cute.â
You feel heat creep up your neck that Joel was apparently watching you while you were gazing at the scenery.
âI mean, look at it,â you point towards Jackson. âHave you ever seen anything as gorgeous?â You ask, looking back at him.
His eyes are still on you, not moving to where you indicate.
âYes, I have,â he nods.
âOn one of your many trips across the country?â
Joel had told you every detail about the life heâd lived, and you knew about all of his travelsâgetting out of Texas, his time in Boston, and him trying to get Ellie to the Fireflies. Heâd told you everything that happened when theyâd gotten to the lab in Utah, and youâd urged him to tell Ellie the truth about it all, which led to some upset, that was resolved with many apologies and a heart-to-heart.
âNo,â he shakes his head. âAt the bar in Jackson.â
You scoff.
âThe bar is uglier than sin, Joel. What are you talking about?â
âYou really wanna know?â He raises an eyebrow.
âPlease enlighten me on what could possibly compare to the gorgeousness of all that,â you wave your hand in the direction of the valley you now canât see because trees are in the way.
âIâm lookinâ at it right now.â
His eyes are still on yours, and you turn your head to look the other way, assuming heâs talking about whatever is over there, seeing dirt and trees on the hill. You frown.
âI mean, I guess the nature is nice,â you concede.
You hear him sigh.
âAre you messinâ with me, baby?â
You look over at him, seeing his lips turned down.
âHow am I messing with you? I looked at where you were looking.â
He has one hand on the reins, the other on his hip as he tilts his head.
âI was lookinâ at you.â
You feel your eyes widen as your heart speeds up.
âOh! Oh my god, you were being romantic.â Your cheeks are heating. âJoel, that is the sweetest fucking thing. I just cannot believe youâd rather look at me than the scenery.â
âBaby, Iâd rather look at you than anything else on this godforsaken planet.â
You can see the truth of his words in his gaze, and it makes you feel warm all of a sudden.
âYouâre really laying it on thick today. Whatâs gotten into you?â You ask, adjusting your grip on the reins with one hand, the other smoothing down the horseâs mane.
âNothinâs gotten into me. Have I told you I love you today?â
The smile he gives you is mischievous, and your eyes narrow.
âYou did before we left, and I love you, too, but youâre not going to distract me with your sweet words. You asked Maria specifically for this patrol, and youâre being exceptionally romantic. Something's up. Spill.â
ââCause I know how much you enjoy the ride there,â he says, nonchalantly.
âAnd it has nothing to do with this morning?â Your eyebrow raises.
Youâd been interrupted during an intense morning makeout session that was about to turn into something more, by Ellie banging on the front door to let you know it was time to leave.
You see his throat work as he gulps.
âJust thought the ski lodge was better than the lookout,â he says, looking away.
You snort.
âYes, because it has actual furniture we can fuck on.â
He looks at you, those chocolate brown eyes of his looking hopeful, raising his eyebrow.
âDoes that meanâŚ?â
âYes, Joel,â you giggle. âYou werenât the only one cockblocked.â
Part 2
Thank you for reading! If youâd like to be tagged in part 2, please let me know! I also have a taglist link in my bio and masterlist.
Tagging: @absurdthirst @kirsteng42 @littlemisspascal @athalien @thevoiceinyourheadx @elegantduckturtle @harriedandharassed @girlofchaos @mswarriorbabe80 @spanishmossmagnolia @star017 @javier-penas-wife @artsymaddie @hansolosleftbuttcheek @deadhumourist @pretty-brown-eyess @hotchlover @eternallyvenus @allfoolsinluv @eppy816 @katareyoudrilling @babykangaemoji @punkerthanpascal @breezythesimp @bruxasolta @peachyaeger @din-jarhead @lovesbiggerthanpride @loonymagizoologist @pinebeam @spacenerdpascall @padbrookcottage @karlawithacapitalk @trickstersp8 @that-friend-in-the-corner @iamskyereads @beskarprincessjenny @beecastle @manuymesut @alexxavicry @leithatnight @trinkets01 @boiistfu @kulicny @xoxabs88xox @enjoyourlattebitch
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but now Iâm your daisy
summary: Itâs a random Thursday in the middle of spring, and Joel has a surprise for youâa surprise thatâs an hour away from Jackson on horseback, that he insists on blindfolding you for.
pairing: Joel Miller/gn!reader (reader has smaller hands than Joel)
rating: T (No y/n, AGE GAP (unspecified, reader is an adult), Grumpy Joel Miller, a lil Possessive Joel Miller, FLUFF, itâs so fluffy, established relationship, kissing, purposely annoying Joel until he snaps at you, Joel being secretly romantic, MARRIAGE PROPOSAL (itâs so cute), cussing, did I mention fluff? Joel being so in love, Joel being the best dad to Ellie)
word count: 2.5k+
a/n: This can be read as a standalone or in the same universe as âbut I would die for you in secret.â An anon requested a âfluffy cute fic with an age gap (No smut)â for Joel, and this extremely cute idea came to me that I wrote in one night. Shoutout to @littlemisspascal who loved the snippets I sent her, and thank you to the love of my life, @juletheghoul for betaing!
Thank you for reading! Comments and reblogs feed me. Iâd love to know what you thought!
but I would die for you in secret - Masterlist
âAre we there yet?â you ask for the thirteenth time in the span of an hour.
Itâs the perfect spring day with the temperature outside not too hot and not too cold, the air feeling a little crisp when it fills your nose. The sunâs warmth is hitting your back, and youâre sure that if you could see the sky, itâd be a beautiful, clear, cerulean blueâyou canât see, though, not with the bandana over your eyes as you sit astride a horse, Joel on his own next to you holding his reins and yours to lead you.
His sigh is long and loud, and you can picture perfectly without having to look at his annoyed expression.
âNo,â he growls. âThe same damn answer as the last dozen or so times you asked.â
âHey, donât get mad at meâyou havenât spent an hour literally in the dark with no idea where the hell youâre going.â
âAnd Iâve told you itâs a surprise,â he rumbles.
âWell, are we close to this surprise?â
He sighs again, and you just know heâs got the fingers of his free hand pressed to his brow. âI swear, youâre just as bad as Ellieâneither of you seems to understand what a fuckinâ surprise is.â He takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out. âNow,â he says calmly, âI donât know why youâre purposely pushinâ my buttonsââ
âYou ate the last of the ice cream last night,â you interrupt. âThe ice cream I worked hard to make that I was excited to eat as a late-night snack.â
âYou gotta be fuckinâ kiddinâ meâhow many times do I have to apologize? Iâm sorry. I didnât know you were savinâ it, and had I known, I wouldnât have eaten it. Will you please forgive me?â
âDid I annoy you enough that the thought crossed your mind to take us back home?â
âYes.â
âAnd you didnât because you love me so much youâll put up with my shit?â
âYes.â
âThen I forgive you. Can I ask a question that has nothing to do with the distance we are from the surprise?â
He lets out a relieved breath, and his tone softens. âOf course, honey.â
Without fail, every time he calls you a sweet endearment, you melt a little, feeling so soft you might turn into a puddle.
Youâre smiling. âWhat made you choose today to surprise me? Itâs kinda random that itâs a Thursday, and you didnât wait for the weekend when weâre usually off.â You taught at the school, and Joel did whatever he was assigned each day; lately, itâs been a lot of patrolling.
âDo you know what todayâs date is?â
The question makes you think because you do know the date, and itâs not your, his, or Ellieâs birthday; itâs not a holiday that youâre aware of, either, and frankly, youâre not quite sure what the significance is.
âI do, but whatâs so special about it?â
âWhat were you doinâ last year around this time?â
âUm, what was I doing? Wait, itâs around when I moved to Jackson.â
âThatâs right, and whoâd you meet a little after you arrived?â
âA lot of people.â
âJesus Christ,â he breathes in exasperation. âBaby, when did you meet me?â
âLike two, three days after I moved into the house across the street from you.â
âAnd what happened when we met?â
The memory makes you smirk. âI seduced youâmy sexy, way older, single dad neighbor.â
âThatâs trueâI was gone on you from the moment you batted those pretty eyes at me, and who were you romantically involved with from that day forward?â
Your eyebrows furrow. âYou.â
âWas there anyone else?â Itâs a harmless question he knows the answer to and is honestly humorous even to be asked.
You snort. âWhy would I have wanted to be with anyone else when I had you? No, of course not, and you were very clear that I was yours and only yours, even if nobody else knew for quite some time.â
Your relationship with him was a secret for many months because he didnât want Ellie to knowâhe was worried she wouldnât take it well, but she ended up being completely fine with it and had figured out the two of you were a thing, pretty much from the beginning.
âSo, itâs a year from the day you became mine,â he says, âwhy would I be takinâ you somewhere special?â
The realization slams into so hard you gasp.
âAre we celebrating the anniversary of when we first met?!â
Itâs clear in his voice heâs smiling. âWe areâI know we did things ass-backward, and I wish I couldâve courted you properly from the beginninâ, but I consider that first time we met as the start of our unconventional relationship.â
Warmth is spreading through your body at how sweet this is.
âOh my god, Joelâif I could, Iâd kiss you right now!â
âWell, youâre in luck, my love, âcause weâre finally here.â Your horse comes to a stop, the animal snorting as its front hooves shuffle in place. âYou can look.â
You lower the bandana, and your eyes widen at whatâs in front of you: itâs a meadow of colorful wildflowersâthe lush green grass overshadowed by the yellows, pinks, purples, whites, and blues blooming thickly everywhere, tall pine trees lining the edges, and snow-capped mountains towering high off in the distance.
Youâve never seen anything so beautiful, and it takes your breath away.
Thereâs movement out of the corner of your eye of Joel getting off his horse, and youâre too focused on taking in all of the scenery, seeing butterflies fluttering around and birds gliding through the air.
âWell?â he asks, and you jolt at his voice coming from the opposite side of where he was initially. âSorry for spookinâ ya, baby.â He rubs a hand along your jean-covered thigh, and your head tilts down his way. Joelâs eyes look hopeful, and a small smile is on his lipsâheâs wearing a red flannel and has a rifle on his back, the light breeze causing some of his gray strands of hair to dance atop his head. âWhat do you think?â he asks.
Your answer is to get off the horse, Joelâs hands immediately grabbing onto your waist to steady you as you swing your leg over the back of the animal, one foot landing on the ground, then the otherâyou spin around, throwing your arms around his neck, and crush your lips to his, swallowing his surprised sound. Heâs automatically hugging you to him, and you never feel safer than when he holds you, knowing without a doubt he wonât let anything happen to you and will protect you with everything he has; youâd do the same for him and Ellie, the two most important people in your life.
When you break apart, your breaths come out a little heavier, and with the way heâs gazing into your eyes, you can clearly see his love for you shining through.
His hand caresses your cheek. âA good surprise?â he asks.
Your mouth is grinning as you nod. âThe best surprise and worth an hour in the dark.â You hold his face as you lean in, placing loud, smacking kisses over his stubbled cheeks, along his jaw, on his chin, and lips. Joel chuckles at your enthusiasm, and you end with a peck to the tip of his nose.
âThereâs more,â he says.
Your eyes go big. âWhat do you mean thereâs more?â
âLet me tie up the horses, and Iâll show you.â
He moves away to do as he said, using ropes to tie around each of their two front legs to hobble them and keep them in place, allowing them to graze.
Joel isnât kidding about there being more: he removes a blanket roll from his saddle that he spreads out on a patch of grass, and from his backpack, he takes out containers with strawberries, apples, cheese, some smoked meat and to drink, a bottle of apple juice made in Jackson.
He sits on the blanket, his long legs out in front of him, the food on one side of him, his rifle, and your shotgun thatâd been holstered in a scabbard attached to your saddle within reach on the ground. He makes you giggle as he pulls you down into his lap, sitting sideways across it, his arms wrapping around your middle, while your hands go into the hair at the back of his head, his eyes locked on yours.
Something hard is poking you in the ass. âIs that a flashlight in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?â you ask with a wag of your eyebrows.
Joel huffs out an amused breath as he gets his hand under you and pulls his sheathed hunting knife off of his belt, tossing it next to the rifle and shotgun.
âBetter?â he asks with a raised eyebrow.
âYes.â You kiss his cheek. âMuch betterâthank you.â You stare at his handsome face and brush his messy bangs off his foreheadâJoel grabs your hand, keeping his gaze on yours as he kisses the skin on the inside of your wrist, leaving behind tingles where his lips touch.
âIf Ellie knew how secretly romantic you are,â you say, âsheâd give you even more shit than she already does.â
His eyes roll, and he holds your smaller hand in his bigger one, pressing it to his heart.
âWanna know a secret?â he asks.
âAlways.â
âShe avoids teasinâ me about our relationship and how I am with youâI mean, if she sees us kiss, sheâll pretend to get sick, but thatâs just how teenagers are.â He shrugs. âShe slips up every once in a while, and thatâs expected; I think her tryinâ her best not to shit on my happiness is her sweet way of beinâ supportive.â Heâs smiling fondly. âSheâs the one who suggested a picnic.â
Your face matches his. âYou discussed your secret anniversary plans with her?â
âYes.â He nods. â'cause Tommyâs idea of celebratinâ was stayinâ in bed all day naked, and it made me wonder for the millionth time why the fuck Maria married his ass.â
You laugh. âAnd thatâs pretty much a regular Saturday for us when Ellie stays at Catâsââ Her girlfriendâs. ââfor the weekend.â
Heâs got an arm around your back and lets go of your hand, reaching to pluck a dandelion from the grass at the edge of the blanket.
âExactly,â he says, âneeded to do somethinâ special, and I found this place a few weeks ago while on patrol and knew youâd love it.â His eyes squint a little as his attention turns to whatâs in front of him.
âI do, I love it so much.â You look around at the flowers, trees, and mountains. âItâs so beautiful!â
âYeah, it is.â You face him again, finding his gaze already on you.
He does this often, where when you seek him outâbe it at the crowded bar on a Friday night, the busy mess hall at breakfast before work, while youâre cuddled on the couch watching a movieâheâs already looking at you before your eyes land on his. Itâs like youâre the only thing that exists, and you find it both lovely and insane that he loves you that much.
The other person who steals his attention is Ellieâsheâs his whole world, and thatâs how it should be; sheâs his kid, and if Joelâs one thing, heâs a fantastic father who loves his children more than anything.
âYouâve ruined me for anyone else, Joel Miller,â you tell him, clutching his shirt with your left hand. âI love you, I love your daughter, I love the life we have, and Iâm sorry, but youâre stuck with me for the rest of your lifeâyouâre mine, and Iâll fight anyone or anything that tries to take you from me.â
âYeah?â He takes your hand from his shirt and presses your palms together between you, making your own look so tiny with how much longer and thicker his fingers are. âWell,â he starts, your eyes closing when he leans in to nudge his nose against yours, âyouâve sure ruined me for anyone else, too, and youâre it for meâI love you, I love that you really do care about my kid, and how you make our lives better,â he rasps softly. âNo one else can have you âcause you belong to me as I belong to you, so I see this only goinâ one way.â
âAnd whereâs that?â you whisper.
His hand leaves yours for a moment.
âWith you marryinâ me,â he says and slips something onto your ring fingerâyour eyes fly open seeing heâs tied the dandelion stem to make a loop your finger can fit through, the vibrant yellow flower a pretty substitute for a real diamond ring that are hard to find these days; this is Joel doing something how it was done when he was younger because, to him, itâs the right way, even though nowadays engagements are simply a verbal agreement rarely accompanied by jewelry. Or this is Joel just being romantically old-fashioned; you love it when heâs romantically old-fashioned.
Your cheeks are hurting from smiling so big, and tears are brimming in your eyes.
âIf youâll have me, of course,â he adds, and you look at him. âI know Iâve been alive a long fuckinâ time and that you can do better than someone as old as me, but I promise Iâll give you my everythinâ and the best life I can because youâre the one I wanna spend whatever time I have left breathinâ with.â The truth is evident in his chocolate-colored gaze, seeing the glimmer of hope in the dark pools. âAs long as itâs somethinâ youâd want. Itâs fine if you prefer we keep doinâ things as we have been without you takinâ my last nameâIâm lucky enough that you like me.â
âAsk me,â you say.
His eyebrows pull together. âAsk you whatâŚ?â
âTo marry youâin all the sweet things you said, you didnât ask the question.â
His cheeks pink up, and he scratches the back of his neck. âThatâs fuckinâ embarrassinâ. Not much of a proposal if you donât ask the questionâsorryâlet me try this again.â He clears his throat and takes your hand, being careful of the dandelion ring, his eyes seeming to get bigger. âWill you marry me?â
âYes,â you answer immediately, and he rewards you with a smile big enough for his very seldom-seen dimple to make an appearance.
Then his large palms are cradling your face, and heâs kissing you like heâs just come home after being away for a while, and canât believe heâs finally feeling your lips against his once moreâheâs savoring every second and being so thorough it makes you go dizzy, your skin heating beneath your clothes.
This is one of those unforgettable kisses that will make you swoon each time it comes to mind in the years to come.
And this man asked you to marry him.
Settling down in Jackson was the best decision youâve ever made.
but I would die for you in secret - Masterlist
Thank you for reading! If youâd like to be tagged in my fics, please fill out the form in my bio, on my masterlist, or just let me know!Â
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Do you think you could write a nervous Joel fic... like he's older and a single dad and hasn't dated in a REALLY REALLY long time...but he's still really sweet, maybe he has to stop and eat reader cos he's about to cum too soon or something đ¤ˇââď¸đ
Hey, babe!! So I hope this is what you were hoping for! It's super tender and I did end up listening to Hozier for a good portion of it, so do with that information what you will đ
Also, I kind of did something a bit different and wrote it more from Joel's perspective, but it's still in 2nd person (pronouns = you)! Pls lmk how you feel about it â¤
Pairing: Older Joel Miller x afab!reader
Tags/warnings: Age gap (not specified), piv sex, oral sex (f), vaginal fingering, multiple orgasms, established relationship, (almost) premature ejaculation, accidental love confessions đ¤, self deprecating Joelâ˘, big dick Joelâ˘, kissing, stuff I'm probably forgetting
W/C: 1.9k
Summary: Your and Joel's first time together turns into so much more.
What Matters
âAre you sure, baby?âÂ
Joel watches as your eyes flick up to him, only kindness and patience in them. Even as you smile warmly and wrap your arms around his neck to pull him to you, he still has a sense of cautiousness in his movements. Youâve probably lost track of how many times heâs asked you if youâre sure.Â
âYes, Joel, Iâm sure,â you laugh breathily.Â
Youâre both lying in his bed, half-naked. Thereâs a soft summer breeze coming in through the window and rustling the sheer curtains. The sunâs going down, but just barely, causing a perfect golden hue to coat the room. He canât help but think that you look even more gorgeous than usual in this lighting.
Joel tries to ignore the nervousness in his stomach as he softly kisses your jaw and nuzzles up to you. Heâs not stupid, he knows that you know heâs just trying to waste time, but you let him. Youâre so fucking sweet like that. Always making him feel so wanted and appreciated. Itâs not that he doesnât want to be with you in this way, but that heâs worried he wonât be perfect for you. He wants to be able to show you affection in the same way that you show him.Â
But what if he canât?
Youâre younger, after all, and heâs not been with a woman in so long. Maybe not since Sarahâs mom. If thatâs the case, itâs been about fifteen, sixteen years. Point in case, youâre probably used to boys who can last longer and can make you come every time. What if he canât? What if itâs been so long now, that he only lasts a couple of minutes?Â
It terrifies him, the prospect that you may be disappointed in his performance. What if you decide to leave him because heâs not enough to get you off? No, he realizes, you would never do that. Youâre so good, so thoughtful and generous and patient. Youâd wait for him, help him get back to the point where he used to be.Â
But thatâs not what he wants. He wants to be good for you now.Â
âJoel?âÂ
His name falling from your lips has his head raising back up. You look into his eyes with a desperation that he simply canât ignore.Â
âPlease,â you whisper before planting a feather-light kiss to his lips. He nods slowly before he can think about it.Â
âAlright, sweetheart. Iâve got you.âÂ
And he does, he knows it. He just hopes he can do it right.Â
Youâre already prepped. He spent probably half an hour fingering you to orgasm even though you had begged for the real thing each time you fell apart on his hand. Itâs another thing he was worried aboutâbeing so big. Joelâs not a super cocky man by any means, but he is aware of hisâŚattributes.Â
He watches you carefully as he grasps his cock and guides it to your slippery entrance. Your eyes flutter shut as he pushes in, giving you about an inch each time he thrusts. His jaw goes slack once heâs about halfway in. Youâre so fucking warm and wet and inviting. He keeps going, trying to keep his breathy whines at bay. Heâs again reminded of just how long itâs been since heâs felt something other than the palm of his hand around himself.Â
âShit, baby,â he breathes as he bottoms out. He closes his eyes in concentration and lets his head hang next to yours. He already feels like he might blow his load at any second. You bring a hand up to cup his head and thread his curls through your fingers, holding him close. His breathing is heavy when he lifts himself back up to look into your eyes.Â
His heart seems to skip a beat when he sees the adoration youâre looking at him with. It kills him every time. And no matter how many times you tell him that he deserves all your affection, he knows heâll still find a lingering doubt in the back of his mind. Thereâs a reason the two of you have only been âtogetherâ for about four months even though youâve been shamelessly flirting for about a year.Â
It was just too good to be true. For such a sweet, gentle thing like you to want a rough old man like him. He was never the one to initiate anything, but he knows youâve been aware that he had his sore eyes set on you since you met. How could he not? Heâs never met anyone so kind and considerate. It was impossible to deny you of him any longer when it was one of the only things youâve ever wanted for yourself.Â
âYou okay?â Your honeyed voice reaches his earsâor his good ear, ratherâand he smiles at you.Â
ââCourse, baby. Jusâ gotta give me a second, alright?â He can feel his cheeks getting a bit rosy at the confession. âItâs been a minute.âÂ
You nod, still no hesitation or any sign of regret. God, what did he do to deserve you?Â
Once he collects himself, he pulls out just barely, and a groan tumbles from his mouth to mingle with your soft moan. Heâs already starting to sweat from the effort of not coming too soon as he starts to push into you at a slow but rhythmic pace. You wrap your arms around his broad shoulders and tuck your head into his chest as you whimper with his thrusts.Â
âYou feel so good,â you whine.Â
âFuck, sweetheart, so dâ you. âLike goddamn heaven.â And you do; overwhelmingly so.
He cradles your head and lowers the two of you even more to deepen his thrusts. He knows heâs found your spot when your breath catches and you start to tighten around him every time he pumps his hips. Unfortunately, this makes it a lot harder for him to keep his composure.Â
âH-honey, I have to pull out,â he grits out. Heâs so embarrassed, it hasnât even been five minutes. He wonât last long enough for you to come before him.
But you just nod into him, even though you must be devastated by the loss of your orgasm. âItâs okay, Joel,â you breathily assure him.Â
He pulls out and squeezes the base of his cock, out of breath. He doesnât meet your gaze as he starts to apologize.
âIâm sorry, baby, IââÂ
âJoel,â You stop him by carefully grabbing his chin and forcing him to look at you. âItâs okay.â You nod, waiting for him to do the same before you continue. âTake as much time as you need. I love you no matter what. This does not determineââÂ
You both realize what you said at the same time. Joelâs eyes widen and his chest feels like it caved into itself. Your lips stay still, parted in the middle of your sentence. Joel doesnât realize tears have gathered in his eyes until his vision starts to blur and a smile spreads across his face.Â
You love him. You said it. And he believes you.Â
âI love you too, baby,â he whispers and lets his forehead rest against yours. âSo damn much.â Fuck his age and whoever might see a problem with you being together. He wants this, and you want this, and thatâs all that matters.Â
Then youâre both laughing shakily, pressing kisses to each otherâs lips. He only stops to start trailing them down your body instead, watching you writhe as his mustache tickles your bare skin.Â
âJoel, p-please,â you beg quietly. Joel just huffs a small laugh through his nose as he lays himself between your legs, ignoring his protesting knees as he admires the entirety of you laying out just for him. You look fucking beautiful covered in a thin sheen of sweat atop his sheets, needy and panting all for him.Â
He doesnât waste too much time before putting his mouth on your sweet pussy, his tongue dragging up your slit to flick at your clit. Joel moans at your taste, sending vibrations racing toward your swollen bud. Your hips buck as your hands fly to grasp at his hair, tugging lightly and making his eyes roll back.Â
He feasts on you like his life depends on it, worshiping you with all he has. He takes turns in running his tongue up you, fucking you with it the best he can, and suckling on your clit. He looks like a damn mess as he does so, his eyes not leaving your cunt unless heâs watching your face contort with pleasure. When you make eye contact with him, he knows he must look fucked out and desperate just based on the way you groan and lay your head back.Â
It doesnât take much for you to get to the edge, and it takes even less for him to push you over. You let out sharp, whiny sounds as he sucks on your clit and slips a couple of fingers inside of you to grip on to. Your entire body goes tense, and Joel has to resist the urge to smirk against you as you shake with the force of your orgasm.Â
By the time youâre coming down, heâs back over you and slipping his tongue inside your mouth to share your taste. You moan into the kiss and pull him closer as he once again glides his tip into your cunt. Just as he had hoped, the distraction calmed him down enough to hopefully give him some more time.Â
You both melt into each other as he bottoms out, the tip of his swollen cock hitting your cervix and making your thighs squeeze his torso. He starts at a faster pace than last time, too deep in his lust-filled haze to even try to slow down now.Â
You pull away from his mouth to start leaving love bites on his neck, making his cock twitch inside of you with each pinch. He can feel you smile against his skin, and knows that youâve found his secret. He does like a little pain with his pleasure. You keep going, sucking and biting marks before licking soothingly over them and moving to the next spot. You taste him like youâre addicted, like you could never possibly get enough.
It still doesnât take him as long as he would like to before he starts to feel his balls drawing up and his thighs start to shake. His head goes foggy as he tries to hold on for you, but itâs too fucking much. He canât hold it off when you feel so good around him. Itâs like torture to stave off his orgasm when heâs thrusting into your soft heat.Â
âWhere dâ you want me, honey?â Joel asks you, his voice strained.Â
âInside,â you whisper against his neck without a second thought.
And it throws him over. He groans your name as his body stutters and his balls empty, coating your walls with his milky spend. It seems to go on forever. Each time he thinks heâs almost done, thereâs another spurt and another wave of pleasure that tugs him deeper into euphoria.Â
When it does end, he lets himself half-collapse on top of you. You embrace him with welcoming arms and the two of you catch your breath together in the now dark bedroom. He only pulls out once sleep threatens to take the both of you. A shower, snack, and a glass of water later, you both snuggle up together and fall asleep with content smiles and full hearts.Â
*****
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TURNING FROWNS
into soft touches
Pairing: Marc Spector x Gn!reader
Warnings: just fluff, poor Marc needs to be comforted from time to time, although gets a bit suggestive at the end
A/N: English is not my first language so I'm sorry if thereâs any mistakes, no proof read.
Word Count: 1k
Listen⌠taking care of Marc by giving him small featherlight kisses and soft caresses when heâs all grumpy and frowning after a hard day and being away from a mission, he ends up reluctantly letting you help him and your touch turns him into a tired, grateful and maybe horny mush.
After returning from a grueling three-day mission, Marc collapsed onto the couch, his clothes clinging to his body with sweat and dirt. Despite the pressing need for a shower and fresh attire, exhaustion rooted him in place, rendering even the slightest movement an arduous task.
His brow furrowed deeply, like the creases of a turbulent sea, Marc sat, amidst the chaos of his thoughts. The weight of the day hung heavy upon his shoulders, each line etched into his features a testament to the battles he fought within.
You slowly approach him and climb on his lap to try to help him relax. Startled by your sudden presence, he jolted slightly, his frown deepening at the intrusion.
"Not right now baby, I'm tired," he grumbled, his voice a weary murmur, as if carrying the weight of the world in each syllable. Yet, despite his protests, his hands found their way around your waist, drawing you closer to him as if seeking solace in your embrace.
With a tender touch, you began to massage his temples, your fingers tracing soothing circles against his skin. The tension in his muscles slowly began to melt away, replaced by a sense of calm that washed over him like a gentle tide. His eyes fluttered closed, surrendering to the serenity of your touch as if seeking refuge in the tranquility you offered.
"It's okay," you whispered, your voice a soft murmur against the hushed silence of the room. "Just breathe."
And as he exhaled, a sigh of relief escaped him, carrying with it the burdens of the day. In the quiet intimacy of that moment, surrounded by the gentle cadence of your breath and the tender caress of your touch.
âIâm here my love, let me take care of youâ
As you whispered in his ear, the words washed over him, bringing peace to his rattled soul. Letting out a deep sigh, he let out a faint smile, the corners of his lips curling up as he continued to surrender to you.
You gently trace your fingertips along the furrowed lines of his forehead, feeling the tension slowly dissipate beneath your touch. As your fingers work their magic, his frown begins to soften, melting away with each stroke. His breath steadies, deepening into a more relaxed rhythm as he gives into the sensation.
As you continue to work your magic by massaging his temples, your other hand begins to trail delicately along his jawline, tracing the contours of his face accompanying it with feather-light kisses. Each touch and kiss is filled with tenderness, a silent reassurance that you're here for him, to ease away the weight of the world, Marc cannot do anything but softly hum and let out small sounds of satisfaction.
Your lips brush against his furrowed brow, leaving a trail of soft kisses that slowly erase the creases of worry. Moving downward, you plant gentle kisses along his closed eyelids, coaxing them to flutter open and meet yours with a newfound warmth, a glint of appreciation on his eyes.
And as he finally opens his eyes, there's a softness in his gaze, a gratefulness for your presence and the solace you've bring him, but you let Marc close his eyes again as he sighs and letâs you keep kissing every single part of his face.
Your lips trail across his face, your hands delicately weave through his curls, fingers gently massaging his scalp in a rhythmic motion. With each touch, his tension begins to melt away, replaced by a sense of tranquility that washes over him like a gentle tide.
You whisper words of comfort against his skin, your breath mingling with his as he lets himself be consumed by the soft trail of your lips when you brush them against his cheekbones, the slight curve of his nose, going down to his jaw, stopping on his beard stubble to brush it against your lips before you make your way down to his neck.
Caresses and kisses on his neck pause momentarily as you accidentally make a gentle tug against his hair, and a small gasp escapes your lips, trying to quickly apologize for the discomfort you could've caused. But to your surprise, instead of a complaint, you're met with a satisfied low grunt from Marc. His eyes, still closed in bliss, flutter open slightly, a hint of amusement dancing within them.
âCareful thereâŚâ he murmurs, his voice low and tinged with a playful undertone, he squeezes your hips and his hand ends up going down further to your lower back to push your body as close as he can get you to him.
Marc's hands squeezed your hips, pulling you closer, as if wanting as much contact as possible with your body. Leaning his weight back against the couch, he pulled you into his arms and you settled properly on his lap, your weight resting against his frame.
As your soft lips continued to kiss his face, he tightened his grip on your hips, his muscles pulling you into him as your bodies pressed together, your breasts squished against his chest.
He buries his head on your shoulder, you feel his warm and hot breath against your skin, mixed with his musky scent, it sends tingles down your spine. Specially when his hand slowly guides your hips to his, and thereâs when you finally notice what your soothing and sweet touches have been doing to him, feeling the hardness against his tight jeans.
âOh.. Marc baby, werenât you tired?â
A small hum escapes from Marc's lips when he finds the sensitive pulse point on your neck, sending a wave of pleasure coursing through you. His husky voice, laced with desire, stirs something within you, that has you squirming on his lap and making him chuckle.
âI was⌠I amâŚbut⌠I really want this⌠No I need thisâ Marc quickly corrects himself. âAlthough youâre probably gonna be doing all the work baby, is that a problem?â
A playful grin tugs at your lips as you meet his gaze, your own voice a whisper of desire. "No problem at all," you reply, your tone dripping with anticipation. "I've got you, Marc. Always."
And of course you wouldnât complain why would you? Youâd gladly volunteer for that kind of extra comfort he seeks any day.
I might start a TAGLIST, cause I've been writing more lately? Let me know if you wanna get on it!
Reblogs and comments are kindly appreciated!
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Meet Me At Our Spot
PART 2
Pairing: Joel x fem!reader
Summary: Joel deals with what happened to you on patrol.
Word count: 3.394
Warnings: age gap, mentions of injury, anxiety, panic attack. Let me know if I missed something!
Authorâs note: Hi! Iâm finally posting part 2! Thank you for the support on part 1 and Iâm sorry if it took me so long, BUT this is not the last part! I originally planned for this story to have 2 parts, but thereâs going to be a part 3 and I hope it wonât take me so long to write. Reblogs, comments and likes will be appreciated! Feel free to send me requests or anything you want! I hope youâll enjoy it, let me know if you want to be tagged in part 3.
I also want to thank @tieronecrushâ for the advices, youâre such a nice writer but mostly a super nice human being, thank you again sam!!
PART 1
Czytaj dalej
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and I lost you [TS drabble challenge]
Here's my entry into @beskarandblasters's Taylor Swift Drabble Challenge! I got Maroon and Joel. Get ready for Angst City! (Divider by @saradika-graphics)
Song: Maroon (Red TV)
Pedro boy: Joel Miller
Pairing: Joel Miller x ex!afab!Reader (written in Joel's POV)
Word Count: 686
Warnings/tags: post-outbreak, Joel's POV, no use of y/n, alcohol consumption, infidelity, aaaaangst, heavy reference to Taylor Swift lyrics, not beta'd
Joel lay awake in his bed, shifting his position for the umpteenth time while his memories play over and over in his head. No matter how he wraps his flannel sheets around himself, the bed is never as warm as it is when you were in it with him. But thatâs all gone to shit now that heâs lost you.
He knows heâs made a fool of himself. Knows that heâs failed you. You - beautiful, charming, the only one to slip past his defenses, the walls he put up around himself to keep out everything, even the good. He let you into his home and his heart, let you fill it with laughter. He remembers how you told him stories about your college days before the outbreak, about your vinyl shelf full of records, of nights where you woke up on the floor in the late morning after too much cheap rose wine. He told you stories about Sarah, whom he never talked about to anyone besides you and Tommy. Her prowess at soccer, how she would help out their elderly neighbors, the watch she got fixed for him for his birthday - the day before his world ended. He felt safe with you, and you with him. You chose him, and he chose you.
He doesnât know when it started. But youâd been frustrated with Tommyâs reliance on Joel for border patrol; you felt that he was putting himself in unnecessary amounts of danger. Arguments started cropping up, and more than once youâd left the house to stay at Tommy and Mariaâs after particularly bad fights. On more than one of those occasions, heâd trudged to the Tipsy Bison to drown his sorrows and avoid his feelings. And on one of those nights, he let temptation win out.
She was one of Mariaâs friends, older than you were, closer to Joelâs age. Sheâd always blatantly flirted with him, despite him mentioning you and everyone knowing you and Joel were together. She was one of those women who liked challenges, who wanted to play games. She didnât like that Joel resisted all of her advances, so she waited until he was at his weakest to pounce. Too many whiskeys in, Joel had let her drag him behind the bar. Had let her kiss him, his lips barely moving back against hers in response. She promised she could make him feel better than you did, that he didnât need a girl like you, he needed a woman - despite you being more of a woman than she could even dream of. He didnât stop her when she kissed down his neck, when she left marks along his collarbone - ones he knew youâd notice. He was just so mad at you for being right about the patrol shifts, but he felt guilty saying no to Tommy after all this time apart from him. His awful defense mechanisms figured that if you had left the house, it meant you didnât want him or need him, and he wanted to forget.
But he was so wrong. When he stumbled back to the house, he didnât expect you to be there. Didnât think youâd be sipping red wine at the counter, waiting for him. So when he entered the living room, his button-up disheveled, the darkening hickey across his collarbone clear as day, you looked shell-shocked, then distraught, then more angry than youâd ever been before. You took the glass youâd been drinking out of and flung the contents at him, the burgundy splashing onto his t-shirt and face. You said nothing as you stormed out of the house, but right before you slammed the door, he heard the most heart-wrenching sob begin to wrack your chest as you held your head in your hands.Â
He felt like his heart had been strangled, but he knew everything was his fault. He deserved the full weight of the hurt he made you endure. Laying awake with your memory over him, he realized what a real fucking legacy his betrayal was to leave to you, the one he chose, the one who had chosen him.
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Voicemail
A Seams oneshot, but can be read independently of the series
{ Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist }
Rating: T
Summary: You find Joel's old Nokia at the back of a drawer.
Warnings: Angst, description of a panic attack, grief, comfort, no use of Y/N, reader has a nickname related to her job, reader has no physical description, definitely incorrect description of how mobile phones work, very lightly edited.
As always, Seams oneshots are set on a relaxed timeline. Voicemail can be considered to take place at an unspecified time after Part IV.
Word count: 1.8k
Notes: I don't know if anyone has written anything similar, but I've always wanted to write something about Joel's Nokia (the idea for Butter actually came from the phone scene in episode 1 - can't you tell? lol). This idea took me by surprise one night and didn't let me go.
Important note: I know voicemails don't work this way, but let's pretend that they are saved onto the mobile phone itself and can be accessed decades later, and that a Nokia can indeed survive the apocalypse.
After the outbreak, after Sarah, after missing his shot - he doesnât remember much of those early, blurry days. Tommy barely managed to drag his catatonic ass to an abandoned house somewhere on the outskirts of town, where he had to punch him in the face to snap him out of it.Â
It being a cocktail of shock, grief, pain and numbness that shouldâve killed him, couldâve killed any man. And for the longest time he wished that it did.
It was in the aftershock of that punch, left cheek snapped to his shoulder and his eyes downcast, that Joel saw his Nokia was still clipped to his belt, by some miracle unscathed when everything else had fallen apart.
And he keeps it all these years.
He hadnât meant to take it with him when he packed up his meagre life to leave Boston behind. But the grubby afternoon light glanced off the screen when he was grabbing maps and hammers from under the dusty floorboards, and with a fuck it, he shrugged and shoved it into the bottom of his backpack.Â
If he was being honest with himself, it didnât feel right leaving it behind.
And so the phone made it to Jackson, and survived the detour to Salt Lake City, largely forgotten. Joel was almost surprised by the sight of it when he finally unpacked his bag in the house that was now his and Ellieâs.Â
With a wry smile, he tossed it into a nondescript drawer in the garage, never to see the light of day again.
Until one weekend, Joel asks you to help him find some obscure screwdriver in his garage, not able to get up from where heâs on his back, stemming the flow of the perpetually leaky sink in Ellieâs bathroom.
The space is cool, the shutters down and the air dank from the lack of sun. Under the flickering fluorescent light, you go through a frankly ridiculous number of toolboxes without sighting the elusive screwdriver. With a sigh, you try the middle drawer in the workbench, which is clogged with what looks like everything under the sun.Â
Your lips twitch - Joel Miller is a messy man.
Digging around the random clutter, you startle when your fingers brush the long-forgotten, yet instantly familiar plastic case of the Nokia.
Wrapping your hand around the rectangular frame, you smile, in disbelief that youâre holding a mobile phone. You had a similar one that got lost in the confusion of the first days of the outbreak, and you havenât seen one in the years since. At least not one in such good condition.
Joelâs faraway voice jolts you out of your thoughts. âFound it, sweetheart?â
âJust a second!â you call back.
Tucking the phone back where it came from, you grab the nearest screwdriver and hope for the best.Â
It takes you a few days of asking around town, poking around dusty storerooms and untangling twenty year-old electric cords, but you eventually find what youâre looking for, and thereâs a spring in your step as you cook dinner that evening.Â
Joel seems to pick up on your energy, and he grins, amused, when he brings in the empty dishes after you eat.
âYouâre buzzinâ out of your skin, sweetheart,â he teases, grabbing you by the waist. âWhatâs up with you?â
You cock your head to the side. âWell, I have a surprise for you.â
âIs that so?â he hums, then lets his voice drop an octave in playful insinuation. âWhat kind of surprise, hmm?â
âNot that kind of surprise,â you huff with a smile. âItâs - itâs hard to explain.â
âTry me.â
Twisting out of his grip, you open a cabinet and pull out something that fits neatly in your palm. Joel frowns, confused by what looks like - a charger.
When you speak, itâs slow, as if you donât want to startle him. âThereâs a whole warehouse of wires and things down by the canteen. A patrol stumbled across an electronics shop in a nearby town a few years ago.â
He gives you a crooked smile. âAnd what am I sâpposed to do with it, sweetheart?â
You take a moment, making sure that his eyes are on you before the words come out. âI found the Nokia in your garage the other day, when I was looking for the screwdriver.â
You watch as Joel processes your words, and he goes still, stiller than youâve ever seen him.Â
Then he blinks and shuffles his feet, glancing down at the charger. âI - I didnât expect this.â
You let out a breath you didnât know you were holding. âI know. And you donât have to do anything with it, really, but I just wanted you to have it.â
He nods, slowly. âOk.â
Hesitating, you stutter, âSo, um, do you - want to take it -?â
Joel holds his hand out, calloused palm quietly upturned. You half expect him to jump at the contact, but he doesnât move a muscle when the black wire lands in his grasp, and his thick fingers curl around them.
âI got the dishes, if you want to go first,â you prompt softly.
Joel swallows, then nods. âYeah, I think Iâll do that. If yâ donât mind, sweetheart.â
âOf course,â you smile, pressing a kiss to his lips.
Itâs cold outside, but he doesnât feel it, not when the charger seems to be burning a hole in his hand. When he gets back to his house - empty, Ellie is at Lucyâs for dinner - he heads straight to the garage, and tugs open the drawer.
The Nokia stares back at him, screen blank.
Flinging the charger into the drawer without seeing where it lands, he shoves the drawer close with a snap.
Weeks pass. It hangs in the back of his mind like a spector, even though you donât bring it up again, and he doesnât either.Â
Heâs not sure if heâs afraid of it, or dreading it, or worst of all - hopeful of what he would find on it.
Itâs been twenty years. Electronics donât last that long. Itâs gotta be wiped clean.
One Wednesday night, Ellie is upstairs, music blaring, doing âhomeworkâ or whatever she does on a weeknight (he doesnât believe in helicopter parenting), and Joel finds his thoughts drifting to that damn drawer.
Feeling reckless, he reaches for the top shelf in the kitchen, pours himself two fingers of whiskey, and charges into the garage.
Hopping onto a workstool, he takes a big gulp of liquid courage and sets the tumbler on the work surface. Before his resolve slips completely out of touch, he yanks on the handle, and he winces when the drawer yawns open with a screech.
The Nokia feels foreign to the touch, like heâs forgotten how to hold a phone. It was, of course, glued to his ear almost all hours of the day and night once upon a time. He turns the plastic case over and the other way around again, smoothing the pad of his thumb over the buttons.
Thereâs no putting it off forever.
In goes the plug into the electric socket, and he looks down, phone in the left hand, the end of the charger in the other.
He thinks heâs seeing double until he realises that his hands are fucking shaking.
In one determined motion, he slots the charger into the bottom of the phone and drops it like itâs acid.
Then he downs the rest of his whiskey.
Heâs not sure how long he stares, the very air around him as unmoving as himself, and he feels the alcohol spread its warm fingers through his veins.Â
Just when heâs about to look away, it happens.
The battery sign appears on the screen.
Joel almost chokes on a chuckle. He canât fucking believe it. You really canât kill a Nokia if you tried.
It doesnât take long for the familiar home screen to pop up, the time on the top right corner, the battery in the bottom right. The bright green glare casts a cool glow in the dim. Joel picks up the phone, only to be nearly knocked backwards off the chair when the words flash across the screen.
1 NEW VOICEMAIL.
Heâs sure his heart has stopped, it definitely feels like it, a deadweight in his chest sinking into his stomach. But he hears it, the relentless beat of it, pounding violently in his ears. Too fast. Gripping the edge of the work surface, he tries to breathe, mouth open, but air isnât getting in.
It could be nothing. Could be a voicemail he missed from a client that night, or a junk call.
Heâs not sure if heâs afraid of it, or dreading it, or worst of all -
Heâs trembling so badly that he needs both hands to hold the phone steady, just so that his thumb presses the selection key.
He doesnât hear the pre-recorded message, his brain skips it entirely. Then thereâs five seconds of silence, and his life flashes before his eyes at the familiar beep -
Dad, are you on your way home? Please tell me you remembered the cake. Uncle Tommy bet me ten dollars that you wonât and I kinda need that lunch money tomorrow. See you soon, love you dad -
And everything goes white.
When Joel comes around, heâs on his knees, the empty tumbler in crystalline pieces around him. The phone is no longer attached to the charger, clutched so tightly in his hands that he feels the imprint of every button in his palm.
He wonât know that his face is wet with tears until you thumb the streaks off his cheeks on your doorstep minutes later, no memory of how he got there. You draw him into you, but your embrace barely contains his broad frame.
You canât get him far in his state, whiskey on his breath and shivering all over. You drag him across the living room and onto the couch, where you curl up against him, warming him up with your body heat, cradling his head on your chest. The candlelight bounces off the phone screen, which glows green in his grasp.
It will take him weeks to get his head around what you have given him. And when he does, he will ask if you want to hear Sarahâs voice - shyly - as if you would ever say no.Â
Watching him watch you, Sarahâs warm, fun-loving voice in your ear, the seams of your lashes sting with tears as your heart clenches, swells, breaks for him - and then put together again by his hand finding you, fingers filling the gaps between yours.
But for now, he lies prostrate, his weight pinning you to the couch, as you comb soothing fingers through his hair, anchoring him to you.
âI got you, Joel,â you whisper in his ear, and his eyelids droop and his breathing evens out, as if heâs run a thousand miles. âI got you.â
As he drifts off to sleep - his baby girl's love you dad echoing between his ears - he knows that you do.
More notes: I don't lean too hard into angst in my fics as a rule, so this took me places I haven't been for a while, but it's ok cos Pin's got our man 𼺠Thank you for reading, as always! â¤ď¸
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Woman | Joel Miller x Reader
In progress, Rating: Mature/Explicit
Watch her take me by surprise
When she lets me call her mine
Do you ever really know?
Can you ever really know?
Summary: Joel Miller returns to Jackson bringing back memories and feelings from 20 years ago, but you refuse fall into the universeâs trap again. Your table is at capacity. Adding another chair will only kill you when they get taken away.
Tags: Joel Miller X Reader. Age Gap. smut. hurt/comfort. Life in Jackson. single parent. post season/part I. Mostly TV show canon compliant. TV show versions of characters. playing with the timeline. Tommyâs been in Jackson for a lot longer.
Warnings: descriptions of blood, gore, trauma. Grief & loss. Loss of a spouse. Violence. Smut/Explicit content. Panic attacks, depression, anxiety. MISC canon topics. Chapter specific warnings before each chapter.
Playlist - Updated with each chapter release
Part I
1. tame the ghosts in my head
2. a clouded mind and a heavy heart
3. pick up your clothes and curl your toes
4. walk with me, i think weâll find a way
5. sleep the hours that i can't weep
6. play my bloody part
7. when she lets me call her mine
Before - A Woman Story
Five peeks into your life before Joel Miller reentered it, recommended to read in between Part I & II of Woman
Part II
8. a cry of my heart to see
9. the fear of whatâs to come - Coming 3.30.24
10. hold you from the world and its curse
11. up from the dust, inconceivable love
12. love with urgency but not with haste
Part III
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Mistakes
Summary: You were tired of men making decisions for you. Even though they had your best interest at heart, all they ended up doing was breaking your heart more and more. After reuniting Joel with his brother Tommy (your Ex who left the QZ without telling anyone including you) in a town called Jackson and an overdue argument with Joel Miller you finally confess your feelings for him, spending the night with the older brother, only to wake up alone in an empty house with him and Ellie gone.
Pairing: Joel Miller x fem. reader (former Tommy Miller x fem. reader)
Wordcount: 6.4k
Rating: E
Warnings: angst, pining, feelings, Joel Miller not being good at those feelings, past heartbreak, current heartbreak, mentioned of miscarriage, more angst, also some smut (unprotected sex), kissing, mentions of violence, stitches, blood
A/N: this summary sucks but I have no idea how to make it better. Letâs hope the fics doesnât suck like it lmao
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It was like entering the twilight zone when the gates opened.
People were wandering the streets with smiles on their faces. You could hear children's laughter. Some people stopped and nodded towards you as you passed by them on the horse the people who had found you had put you on.Â
Your gaze always slipped back to Ellie and Joel in front of you. Watching them closely.Â
The woman who had talked to Joel, Maria, had not given you much more information other than to follow them after she learned Joelâs name and that he was looking for his brother Tommy.Â
But you had seen in her face that she recognised the name.Â
If you were honest with yourself you never believed you would really find him. Tommy.Â
It had been such a long time since Joel had heard from him last and the only reason you agreed to join him in his search for Tommy was because you were scared of losing the last connection you had to your previous life.Â
Tommy, Joel and you grew up together.Â
When you thought of them you thought of summers at the Millerâs pool. Of thirteen year old Joel trying to teach five year old you how to swim while six year old Tommy kept trying to pull you under the water.Â
The little shit.Â
Of course as you turned older your interests changed, yet you all still managed to spend at least a week of the summer break together out for mischief.Â
And then it all changed when Tommy Miller kissed you.Â
It was after Joel left for College and if you were honest with yourself you had been crushing on him for a while at that point.Â
You and Tommy had been together for two years before you found him kissing another girl.Â
God, you had been so heartbroken back then.Â
He had been your first real boyfriend and a tiny part of you thought he'd be the man you would marry and have kids with. Sixteen year old you had her life planned out to the dot.Â
It had taken years for you to accept him as a friend again.Â
Joel and you had become closer in the meantime. Heâd told you all about his plans to open his own business and that he wanted to propose to his girlfriend.Â
You were also the first person he told when he learned that heâd become a father.Â
He had been scared but so happy.Â
And you knew from the moment you saw him hold Sarah for the first time, that he would move heaven and earth for his little girl. Nothing would stay in his way. Not when his girlfriend left him with a toddler, not when both of his parents died, leaving him to deal with everything on his own.Â
Sarah was his whole world.Â
Until the world ended.Â
The years after that were dark and painful. That was the excuse you used, that you needed to feel something different for at least a little moment, when you started to sleep with Tommy again.Â
Which went on for years even after you made it to the QZ.
Until he left without a word.Â
Leaving you and his brother again to pick up the pieces.Â
âTommy!â you heard Joel shout and your eyes followed his gaze, his horse stopping as he jumped off.Â
He looked different. Older than you remembered him. But there walking down the steps was indeed Tommy Miller.Â
Joel had found him.Â
His eyes found yours as he hugged his brother, whispering your name in disbelief.Â
For a moment, a small moment you were beyond relieved to find him alive and well. Anger replaced that feeling pretty quickly. He was alive and well and in a fucking functioning town without ever sending a fucking message?
You had stopped counting how often you had been almost killed on this mission to find him because Joel and you thought something had happened to him and he needed saving.Â
You closed your eyes, swallowing your anger, finding Ellie watching you when your eyes opened again.Â
âLetâs have something to eat,â Maria said next to you and you gave her a sharp nod, leaving the Miller brothers behind.Â
You hated the fact that you cried when you were angry.Â
Tears were streaming down your face as you showered under the warmest fucking water you had felt in years, scrubbing your body furiously.Â
The nerve he had.Â
Not only was he perfectly fine, no he was married and about to be a father.Â
You didnât like the way his wife Maria kept glaring at Joel not trying to be sneaky about it.Â
You could only imagine what he had told her.
He used to blame Joel for what you all had done after the outbreak on your way to the Boston QZ. You had always argued about it in the privacy of the shitty apartment you shared back in the QZ. Because Tommy was a fully grown man when he killed those people. He could have stopped and left. But it was easier to blame someone else for the decisions he was too scared or cowardly to make.Â
You could only hope that youâd be out of here first thing in the morning before youâd explode.Â
Of course life had other plans.Â
You walked into the house across the street just as Maria tried to warn Ellie about Joel.Â
âBut there are clearly things you don't know about Joel,â you heard Maria say. You stopped outside the window to listen.
âOh, like how he used to kill people? I know about that,â Ellie said. Â
âSo then you understand my concern.â
âHe doesn't do that anymore,â Ellie defended him.Â
âHe stopped killing people?â Maria asked and you rolled your eyes.Â
âInnocent ones. And Tommy did it, too. Are you worried about him?âÂ
You chose that moment to walk into the house, finding Ellie sitting in the kitchen, Maria cutting her hair.Â
âTommy was following Joel. The way you are now,â Maria said looking at you.Â
âNo offence but you have no idea what you are talking about,â you said and she raised her eyebrow.Â
âI think I do,â she said, putting the scissors down.Â
âYeah? You are comparing a fourteen year old girl to a fully grown man who had all the time in the world to step away and stop what we did back then. But he didnât. He never stops. Heâs a fuckingâŚâ you stopped yourself, taking a deep breath.Â
âHe told me about you. About how he regrets leaving without a word,â Maria said.Â
You scoffed.Â
âSure he does. He always regrets doing things after he did them. Thatâs why he never sent word that heâs alive.â
âThatâs my fault. And he didnât know that youâd be coming to look for him,â she said.
âThatâs what family does. We look out for each other. But maybe weâre not family anymore. Come on Ellie,â you said and she got up from the chair immediately, walking towards you.Â
âStop,â Maria said and you sighed.Â
âIâll take her to the movies and youâŚ. I think you, Joel and Tommy need to talk.â
âYouâre angry,â Joel looked up at you as you sat down next to him. He was trying to fix his boots.Â
âI thought I wasnât anymore butâŚ. Fuck look around this place? Iâm just so⌠Fuck I really want to punch him,â you groaned and Joel chuckled.Â
âI know the feelinâ,â he sighed.Â
You let your head fall against his shoulder, closing your eyes.Â
You felt his lips on your temple.Â
âYou gonna tell him?â He whispered. Your opened your eyes, shaking your head.Â
âDonât think he would care,â you mumbled.Â
âI think you would be surprised,â he said quietly.
You both sat there in silence for a moment.Â
âIâm weak,â Joel said after a moment. You sat yourself up, your head turning to look at him.Â
âWhat do you mean?âÂ
He sighed, not looking up at you as he focused on fixing his shoes.Â
âLately, there are these moments where the fear comes up outta nowhere, and... my heart... feels like it's stopped. And I have dreams. Every night,â he said quietly.Â
You carefully put your hand on his shoulder.
âWhat kinda dreams?â
âI don't know. I can't remember. I just know that when I wake up... I've lost somethinâ,â you saw the tears in his eyes. You knew something had changed in the last weeks. He was more quiet, staring of in the distance when he thought you werenât looking.Â
âI'm failin' in my sleep. That's all I do. It's all I've ever done is fail her again and again. I fail you again and again. I see you die ever single night in my dreams and IâŚâ you put your arms around his shoulders, tears running down your cheeks.Â
âI canât protect you anymore,â he whispered and you tensed.
âIâm gonna⌠Iâm gonna ask Tommy to take her. Iâm just gonna get her killed. Both of you. I know it. I have to leaveâŚâ you did not give him a chance to continue, jumping up from your position.Â
âYou gonna ask Tommy to take her? What about me? You gonna justâŚ. Let him take me too? Because you know I wonât leave her. Weâre all she has Joel,â you said, your voice getting louder.Â
âYou could stay here. Itâs safe. You would be safeâŚâ he said but you shook your head.Â
âStay here with Tommy? Super happy Tommy who finally got the right woman pregnant?â You yelled.Â
He said your name, pleading but you shook your head.Â
âYou know, I should have seen this coming. I knew I would end up alone. First him, now you⌠I really thought that you feltâŚâ you shook your head, âHow silly of me to think it would be different with youâŚâ you laughed bitterly, stubbornly brushing the tears away.Â
You took a deep breath.Â
âOne day you are gonna wake up and realise that the only reason why you feel so alone, is because you pushed everyone away. Because you think you donât deserve to be cared for. Tommy, EllieâŚ. MeâŚ.,â you shook your head before you looked at him.Â
âDonât bother asking Tommy. Iâm gonna leave with her first thing in the morning. Youâll never gonna see either of us again,â you said before you turned around, ignoring him calling after you, hoping youâd made it back to the house before you broke down.Â
You hadnât even crossed the street when you heard your name being called, Tommyâs familiar voice startling you.Â
You just walked faster, not bothering to stop.Â
âPlease justâŚâ you felt his hand on your shoulder and you whirled around, glaring up at the man you once loved so much.Â
âLeave me alone,â you gritted through your clenched teeth, before turning away from him.Â
âItâs what you Millerâs do best,â you called over your shoulder before you made your way back to the house.Â
You laid awake in bed when you heard the door open.Â
You had told Ellie in the most gentle way that it would only be you who would take her to the fireflies. Of course she had questions, and you promised her to answer every single one once you were on the road.Â
She had fallen asleep rather quickly before you made your way to the biggest bedroom. You just laid down on the bed, fully clothed staring at the ceiling as the hours passed by.Â
You were broken, you had been for a long time.Â
The only thing you could always count on to keep you going was Joel.Â
He was your rock and part of you always thought you were his. Even when he was with Tess or any other women. At the end of the day, once he needed someone to talk, to really talk to, he always came to you.Â
He held you when you found out you were pregnant after Tommy left.Â
He was there when you woke up in pain, he was there when you found out you lost the baby.
He was always there.Â
And along the way you fell in love with him.Â
You turned your head to look at Joel who was standing in the door just looking at you.Â
It was like there was something in the air all of the sudden, the hairs on your neck standing up as his eyes moved over your body, his gaze lingering on your lips.Â
âIâm sorry,â he said quietly, slowly walking towards you.Â
When you didnât say anything as he stopped in front of the bed he slowly sat down, reaching for one of your hands. You were too tired to fight him. Â
âYou were right,â he started, his thumb running over the back of your hand, his head turned down.Â
âI keep pushing you away because Iâm so fucking scared to lose someone else IâŚ,â he shook his head.Â
âI care about. I care about you so much, it scares me. It would kill me if something happened to you, because I was to weak to protect you. And I⌠I canât lose you. I just canât. I wanna keep you safe andâŚ.â
âJoelâŚ.â You interrupted him and he looked at you as you slowly sat yourself up so you were kneeling on the bed next to him. You reached the hand he was not holding up, your fingers brushing over his cheek, his eyes closing slowly as he released a shuddering breath.Â
Your hand lingered on his skin, your fingertips rubbing over the corner of his lips and his eyes flipped open, finding yours.Â
âYou know I love you, right?â You whispered and his eyes softened for a small moment, before he nodded.Â
âThen please let me in and let me love you,â you said before you leaned in and kissed him softly.
He tensed for a moment before one of his hands came to the back of your head, deepening the kiss, pulling you closer, his other hand on your back.Â
âJoel,â you gasped, your hands pulling at his shirt until he parted from you, taking his shirt off. You let your hands wander up your chest before you pulled your own shirt off, leaving you in just your old bra.
âFucking beautiful,â he whispered before he kissed you again, slowly leaning over you until you were laying in bed with him above you.Â
Joel slowly kissed down your throat, your chest until he gave all his attention to your breasts. He sucked on your nipples through the thin worn fabric of your bra until you sat yourself up, almost making him fall off the bed, both of you laughing as you took it off, a groan leaving his mouth, one of his hands palming himself. You bit into your bottom lip before you got closer to him, your fingers opening his belt buckle, then his pants.Â
He stopped you before you could get any further.Â
âLet me make you feel good first,â he whispered, kissing you forehead.Â
âLater,â you said, looking at him, something in his eyes darkening as he saw the lust in yours.Â
Within seconds you both were naked and he just looked at you in awe as he knelt between your parted legs.Â
His hands wandered up your thighs, his fingers running shivers over your whole body, your back arching.Â
âPlease Joel,â you whispered, your hands coming to rest on his hips until he finally leaned down and kissed you, one of his hand wrapped around his cock as he swiped the head through your wet pussy, teasing your clit with it, making you moan.
He lined himself up, kissing you deeply as he slowly entered you inch by inch, both of you panting against each others mouths.
âShiiiit, you feel perfect. Fucking perfect,â he grunted before he began to move, thrusting slowly inside of you, his arms wrapped around your body, his lips all over you.Â
No matter how close he was, you wanted him closer, your arms wrapped around his back, pulling him against you as he continued to fuck you deeply.Â
He kissed away the tears that escaped your eyes, overwhelmed at finally being so close to him. Holding him. Feeling him.Â
He made you cum twice before he pulled out and came with a groan of your name, his cum spilling all over your stomach.Â
He cleaned you up after, holding you close, kissing you until you fell asleep.Â
While he watched over you, praying to whatever god there still was, that you would forgive him.Â
You didnât stir when Joel left your bed after he watched you sleep until the room slowly filled with light at the upcoming sunrise.Â
You didnât feel it as he kissed your forehead before he slowly got up from the bed and got dressed, grabbing his bag.Â
You didnât hear his whispered âForgive meâ as he stepped out of the room.
You were sleeping so deeply you didnât even hear Eliie argue as Joel walked her out of the house.
Not looking back towards the house you were sleeping in.Â
The first thing you noticed was that you were warm. You hadnât felt warm in a long time. Smiling to yourself you slowly opened your eyes, frowning immediately as you noticed how bright it was outside.Â
Your eyes found the old cock on the bedside table, widening as you noticed that it was already around noon.Â
âShit,â you cursed, your head now turning to the other side of the bed where Joel had laid next to you only to find it empty.Â
A uneasy feeling washed over you as you took the room in, finding it vacant of anything that belonged to Joel.Â
Suddenly fully awake you jumped out of bed, dressing yourself within seconds before you walked out of the room and across the hallway opening the door to the room Ellie had been asleep in.Â
Empty.Â
Your breath came in short pants, your throat squeezing tight, the beginnings of a panic attack making their entrance as your hands started to shake.Â
Shaking your head you tried to get your lungs to fill with air, your back leaning against the wall behind you.Â
Tears were springing into your eyes.
He wouldnât just leave you after last night. Right?
Not after heâŚ.
A knock on the door let you jump up, running down the stairs, opening the door to find the wrong Miller brother standing in front of it, his expression one you could read without words.Â
âHeâs gone, isnât he?â You whispered.Â
Tommy only nodded.Â
Taking a deep breath you looked up towards the ceiling, shaking your head slowly.Â
âTalked to the council. You can stay here as long as you want. Gotta take up some work at some point but thereâs no rushâŚâ
You scoffed.Â
âYou must be really delusional if you think I am going to stay here,â you said, looking at him. You were still angry, but more so tired. Tired of always being the second choice.
He said your name, almost pleading.Â
âIâm sorry for not telling you before I left. I thought it was easier to just⌠rip the bandaid off. I knew youâd be okay. Youâre one of the strongest people I ever met. And I⌠I just couldnât stay there with Joel andâŚ.â
You wanted to tell him then.Â
To tell him that he broke that strong person he thought you were.Â
Finding out the day after he left that you were pregnant with his child, broke you.Â
And you couldnât tell him that to this day you blamed that the stress of him leaving made you lose the baby you never got to meet.Â
It wouldnât help anyone to tell him.Â
âI am going to get my stuff and I want a horse and some supplies. Then Iâll be out of here. I canât keep doing thisâŚâ you said.Â
âNo, No please stay. I want to⌠I want to make this right between us. I promised Joel IâŚâ Tommy began, but you held a hand up, stopping him.Â
âMaybe you and your brother should try talking to me before making all the decisions for me. A horse and some supplies. You owe me that much. After that Iâll make sure we never cross ways again,â you didnât wait for his reply, turning around and marching up the stairs to pack your stuff.Â
An hour later you were settled on top of a horse called Diamond. Tommy had gotten you the supplies you asked for, even a first aid kid and walked next to you as the gate opened.Â
âWhere are you gonna go?â He asked.Â
âAway,â you only answered, even though you had a clear destination in mind, before you took one last look at him. You saw his wife standing on the end of the street, watching you.Â
As you looked back at Tommy you realised that you felt nothing for the man who was looking up at you now.
âI know you love him,â he startled you.Â
âPretty sure he loves you too, so once you found him, donât be too hard on him. We Millerâs a stubborn bunch of people who only want to protect the people we love. Even if it ends up hurting them even more,â he said, keeping his eyes on you.Â
âTake care of your wife,â was all you said before you kicked your legs to ride out of Jackson.Â
The town you found shelter in seemed abandoned enough to rest until this blizzard passed by. It shouldât be more than a days ride to the university of the fireflies now, but you could not make it in this storm. So you bunked down in a abandoned house, the windows and doors already barricaded making sure Diamond, your horse, had something to drink and eat in the garage before you bunked down in the surprisingly tidy house next to it.Â
You even found some food, including long expired peaches that brought a small smile to your face as you thought about how much Ellie would love them.Â
It was on the next morning that you heard a noise outside. You made your way into the garage, finding Diamond getting nervous too.
You petted her nose before you slowly risked a glance outside of the broken window of the garage, your eyes widening when through the heavy snow falling outside, you could make Ellie out on top of a horse.Â
You put your jacket on and opened the door, startling the girl who now had her riffle pointed at you.Â
You held your hands up and her shoulders fell as she realised who you were, starting to sob.Â
It was then that you noticed that the horse she was sitting on, was dragging something behind it, the air leaving your lungs one one gasp as you realised that it was Joel.
And he was not awake.
âHow long?â You asked Ellie, willing your fingers to warm up as you dug through your first aid kit.Â
Ellie had helped you carry Joel inside. Now she was sitting on the little sofa, her tears still running down her cheek as she watched you.Â
âThree hours ago? Maybe more? I donât know. We⌠We were at the university and weâŚ. We were almost out when that manâŚ.â
You were closer to the university than you thought then.
You were dying to walk over to her to soothe her, but Joel was your first priority. He looked very pale, his lips blue from the cold. With shaking fingers your unzipped his jacket, fighting down the whimper as you saw how much blood he was still loosing, your hand immediately pressing down to stop the bleeding.
Ellie had made a good job with the bandage she had put on his wound.Â
He didnât even stir.Â
âIt was a broken baseball bat. He⌠he pulled it out and he was okay at first but then he⌠he⌠he fell and now heâs notâŚ.â
âEllie,â you said and she looked at you with wide wet eyes.Â
âYou did the right thing. He shouldnât have pulled it out but thereâs nothing we can do about it now. I am⌠I am gonna try to fix him, okay?â You said, nodding as if to make yourself believe that you could.Â
She mirrored you.
âCan I help?â Ellie asked.Â
âThereâs a bathroom upstairs. Get as many towels as possible and then get a bucket with snow from outside. Snow from the top. We needâŚ. We need to clean him. But I donât have⌠WeâŚ.â You took a deep breath, stopping your ramble.
âTowels and snow, got it,â she said, throwing her backpack down before she made her way upstairs.Â
You took a deep breath, sucking your bottom lip in.Â
âDonât you die on me Joel Miller, I still have to yell at youâ you whispered as you leaned down, to kiss his temple before you used the scissors of your first aid kit to cut his shirt open.Â
It came to you on the day after, that the only stitches you ever did were on Joel Millerâs body. You had stitched a cut on his upper arm almost fifteen years ago. Then a bulled wound on his hip.
But that was nothing like what you were dealing with here.Â
You had used the little bottle of disinfectant to clean his wound as best as you could, before you stitched him up and he had not even moved a muscle through all of it.Â
It was sometime during the early morning hours that he stirred, waking up only enough to ask after Ellie, falling back asleep immediately when you came into his line of view, his whispered name on your lips.Â
You and Ellie had pulled him in as many blankets as possible to get him to warm up.Â
It was like you checked the wound hourly to make sure it wasnât bleeding anymore and somehow in the early hours of the afternoon it seemed to stop.Â
Ellie was spending almost all her time outside in the garage with the horses after she woke up. She wasnât talking much, but she had told you that she was glad you had found them.Â
A groan made you jump up and you found Joelâs eyes flutter open, taking in his surroundings until his eyes focused on you, whispering your name, his voice hoarse.
âHow are you feeling?â You asked softly, coming to kneel next to him, your hand on his cheek.Â
âLike I got stabbed by a bat,â he groaned and you felt the tears springing into your eyes as you smiled sadly.Â
âNot the time for jokes Miller,â you said and he sighed, his head turning in your hand.
âEllie?â He asked.Â
âIn the garage with the horses,â you said and he nodded slowly.Â
â'Am sorry,â he said and you shook your head.Â
âItâs okay,â you said and now he shook his head.Â
âWas a shitty thing to leave,â he grunted.Â
âYeah it was. And I am gonna yell at you for that, but only once you are all healed up,â you promised with a small smile, your fingers brushing over your skin.Â
The door flew open and Ellie ran in with wide eyes.Â
âThere was someone out there,â she said and your eyes widened before you got up while she knelled down next to Joel who was trying to get up.
âWait here with him and do not let him get up,â you instructed Ellie as you made your way out into the garage.Â
The windows of the whole house were barricaded so the only way to actually look outside were the broken windows over the garage door.Â
You carefully stepped onto the chair you had found inside to look out of the window and you could see three men walk down the street, as if they were looking for something. They didnât look like they were raiders, not carrying any kind of bags or supplies on them. And only one was holding a handgun. You were glad that it had continued to snow during the night, covering up all the tracks that led to the house.Â
You watched as they rounded the block, noticing how thin they looked as they walked back the way they came from, unease washing over your body.Â
âThey must be around here somewhere. How far can they get? Rodrick fucking stabbed him with his bat,â you heard one of them mutter as they walked past the house, your heart stopping.Â
They were looking for Joel.
For Joel and Ellie.Â
You had to get out of here.Â
You watched them until they had left the street, before you got down from the chair.
Still in your thoughts you made you way back inside the house.
The longer you thought about them the more uncomfortable you became. You had the same feeling a couple times before, the last time just before you made it out of Kansas City, a city you only barely survived.Â
Both Ellieâs eyes and Joelâs were on you when you entered the room.Â
âIt would be better for Joel to stay here and heal butâŚâ
âWe have to leave?â Ellie asked and you nodded.Â
âIâŚThey are looking for you. I heard them talk,â you said as you knelt down on the other side of Joel who was looking up at you. You put your hand on his forehead, noticing that he was running a little hot.Â
You would need medicine for him. You only had some expired aspirin. That wouldnât help him if his wound got infected.Â
âWeâll leave first thing in the morning,â you decided, hoping that it would be for the best.
It was a four day ride back to Jackson.
Four days that felt like four weeks.Â
Joel had been strong enough to get on his feet on the morning you left and both Ellie and you had helped him up into the saddle before you got onto the horse in front of him, using two belts you had found upstairs to strap him against you, his arms coming to wrap around you.
You heard every groan of pain he let out as he tried to keep himself up on the horse.Â
On the second day, once you were far enough away from the town you felt him burn up, mumbling against your ear, his head resting on your shoulder.Â
It was getting harder to keep him on the horse with you, Ellie riding next to you, her worried eyes always on Joel.Â
More than once he told you to just leave him and get both you and Ellie to safety but you and Ellie were having none of it.Â
When you saw the gates of Jackson you were almost crying, Ellie galloping in front of you even though you called after her to slow down, hoping they wouldnât just shot her on sight.Â
But then the gate opened and for the first time in a long time you were glad to see Tommy Miller running towards you, already yelling commands out.Â
The next hours were a blur.Â
You pretty much passed out the moment you knew Joel was taken care off. You woke up to beeping in a dark room, only a little lamp on the table next to the bed you were laying in, your eyes immediately finding Ellie who had cuddled on the bed next to you. You carefully put an arm around her before you noticed someone else in the room.Â
Joel was laying in the bed next to yours, the constant beep of the monitor telling you that his heart was still beating.Â
You closed your eyes, releasing a shuddering breath as you tried to keep the tears in that were threatening to escape your eyes.Â
Ellie shifted in your arms and she turned around, her arm sneaking around you, her eyes looking up at you.Â
âThank fuck youâre awake, these people around here are weird,â she said and you huffed a laugh, hugging her closer.Â
âHow longâŚ?â You asked but she interrupted you.Â
âWe came here yesterday just before dinner. Breakfast was two hours ago? Iâm not sure,â she mumbled. You both jumped when the door opened, your head turning just in time to see Tommy walk in, followed from an older man.Â
âYouâre awake,â the man said and you sat yourself up, the sudden move making your head spin.Â
âIâm Carl, Iâm the town doctor,â he introduced himself to you before he walked over to Joel.
âIs he gonna be okay?â You asked.
âThanks to some medication and some generous blood donations,â he eyed Tommy, âhe should be making a full recovery. Nice stitches,â he complemented and you released a relieved breath.
âYou should have seen the blood transfusion, it was super gross,â Ellie said with a shudder that made you laugh.Â
âI want you to rest too. You were severely dehydrated. That must have been some exhausting couple of days for you,â he said, giving you a small smile before he looked at Tommy and left the room.Â
It was quiet in the room for a moment as you tried not to look at Tommy.Â
Ellie suddenly sat herself up with a hum.
âWeeeeeell this isnât awkward at all, so Iâm gonna go and get us some food,â she announced before she jumped off the bed and left you alone with the Miller brothers.Â
For a long time the only noise inside the room was the constant beeping of Joelâs heart monitor.
âWhy did you leave without saying anything?â You finally asked and Tommy shifted in the chair he was sitting in.Â
âI couldnât stay. Joel wasâŚ. He was getting more and more reckless. Then there was the fucking drugs. I wanted to⌠I though I could make the world better. just couldnât stay there. I couldnât watch him destroy himself any longer. And I am sorry I didnât tell you. You didnât deserve that,â he said and you nodded.Â
âI know the things we all did were horrible. They haunt me too. And JoelâŚâ you look at him, sleeping in his bed.Â
âHe was never the same after Sarah,â you whispered.Â
âWe all werenât. We just dealt with it differently,â Tommy said and you nodded.Â
âAre you gonna stay?â He asked and you sighed, looking at him. There was no point in keeping a grudge anymore. Not after what happened. You were safe. Ellie was safe. Joel was safe and hopefully close to being okay again.Â
âI have to tell you one thing,â you decided. He deserved to know why you had been so angry. Why you blamed him for every single bad thing that happened after he left.Â
âOkay,â he said, nodding at you.Â
âOn the morning after I found out your left, I also found out that I was pregnant,â you said quietly, seeing his eyes widen, before he took a deep breath.Â
âIâm not telling you this to make you feel bad, I am telling you so you can understand why I was so angry and hurt,â you explained.Â
âI canât keep blaming you for every bad thing that happens to me,â you whispered.Â
âWhat,â he cleared his throat, âwhat happened?â He asked.Â
âI lost it six weeks after you left,â you said with a sad smile, your finger brushing the tear away that ran down your cheek.Â
He looked wrecked.
âIâm so fucking sorry,â he shook his head, his hand running through his hair.Â
You shrugged.Â
âIt just wasnât meant to be,â you sobbed, cursing to yourself as you turned your head to hide your face against the pillow.Â
âFucking hug her,â you both heard Joel grunt and you almost jumped up, your head spinning again.Â
âJoel, thank fuck,â Tommy said before he jumped out of his chair as he saw you get out of bed on shaky legs. His arms held you up as you stumbled towards Joelâs bed who gave you a painful smile.Â
âCome on, letâs get you into bed,â Tommy whispered before he helped you sit down, pulling your legs up onto the bed as you carefully laid down next to Joel, his right arm opening for you.Â
You put your hand on his chest, careful to not hurt him as you inhaled his familiar, if somewhat sweaty, scent.Â
âIâll leave you two alone,â Tommy said as he looked at the both of you, but you were already asleep.Â
âIâll take care of her,â Joel whispered before he kissed your forehead.Â
Six weeks later
âI fucking hate math!â Ellie groaned, letting her head fall against the table.
âLanguage!â Joel called from the kitchen and she rolled her eyes while you held back a giggle.Â
âNobody likes math,â you assured her, your arm wrapping around her shoulder.Â
âWhy do I have to learn it then?â
âBecause thatâs just the way life is. We all have to learn shit we donât want,â you said, you both laughing when Joel again called you out on your cursing.Â
âI am a fully grown adult, Mr. Miller, leave me alone,â you yelled towards the kitchen, only to hear his footsteps seconds later before he appeared in the door, both of his hands on his hips, giving you an exhausting head shake.Â
âWhat am I gonna do with you?â He asked before he walked over. You let go of Ellieâs shoulder as he stepped closer, his lips coming to kiss your cheek.
âUgh gross,â Ellie gagged, jumping out of her seat.Â
âIâm gonna go and ask Dina to help me with math!â She said, running out of the house, the door falling closed behind her.Â
âShe forgot her homework,â Joel said, now kissing your neck.Â
âMmmmmhhhâŚ.â You nodded, tilting your head to give him more space, his lips wandering up your neck.Â
One of his hands sneaked to the front of your shirt until his palm softly palmed your breast.Â
âThink youâre up for someâŚ. Biology?â He asked and you giggled, getting up from your chair to turn around, your arms crossing behind his neck.Â
âBirds and bees again?â You said, playfully annoyed while he nodded, all serious, before you both broke out in laughter.Â
âWe gotta work on your flirting, Miller,â you said before you kissed him, shrieking when his fingers pinched your ass.Â
âLove you,â he mumbled against your lips and you smiled.Â
âLove you too,â you whispered before you let him guide you towards your bedroom.Â
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It's so so heart melting!
Amazing, i love it! Soft!Joel is my favourite đĽšâ¤ď¸
They are lovley and Ava is everything đŠˇ
time
Summary: Not wanting to face Joel after you found out that you're pregnant, you leave the Boston QZ to live with Bill and Frank. Almost four years pass before you can't hide from him anymore, letting him finally know why you ran from him all these years back.
Pairing: Joel Miller x fem. reader
Wordcount: 6.7k
Rating: E
Warnings: angst, unplanned pregnancy, secret pregnancy, secrets, fluff, trust issues, Joel being Joel, making up, kissing, age gap (not specified but it's around 15 years), smut (unprotected sex), mentions of alcohol, Joel really is bad at feelings, but he's trying, Girl Dad Joel Miller, happy end
A/N: if these two had a relationship status it would be "it's complicated" Another WiP done! So now I am allowed to think about Biker Raider Joel for a moment, right?
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Pedro Masterlist || Joel Masterlist || Main Masterlist
âYou know youâll have to face him at some point,â Frank had a fond smile on his lips as he sat in his wheelchair next to you. He was watching Bill who let himself chase across the yard of his picture perfect post apocalypse home.Â
Nobody would expect that just down the street, outside of the fence the world as you knew it had ended.Â
âI know,â you sighed.Â
âHe asks for you every time heâs here. If we had seen you, if we knew where you are. Heâs gonna understand,â Frank said and you scoffed.Â
âHeâs not gonna care. He has Tess and⌠heâs notâŚâ you shook your head, searching for the words, âheâs not the man I fell in love with.â
âWe all can change,â Frank said, reaching over to squeeze your hand.Â
âBill is the best example for that. Could you have imagined him like that when you showed up here three years ago?â
You watched Bill play with your daughter, Ava, playing catch.Â
âJoel is not like that. He was like that. Before. But that part of him died long ago.â
You sat in silence for a while, just watching Bill and Ava, trying to soak it all in. It would never be like that again and you were already dreading having to explain all of this to her.Â
âIâm gonna miss you,â you whispered, fighting against the tears as you looked at Frank. He smiled softly at you before he came closer, kissing your forehead.Â
Four years earlier
You knew he could tell when you were lying. He would know with one look at you that you were full of shit telling him that this was not working for you anymore. Whatever this between you was.
Joel and you had known each other since before the outbreak. You had started babysitting Sarah to earn some extra money while you were finishing you degree when she had just been nine years old and you had moved in next door.
You had been there on outbreak day. Next door, still living at home to take care of your sick father. You would never get the picture of his infected body lunging at you out of your head the night the world changed.Â
You and Joel⌠You didnât know what Joel and you were exactly.Â
You loved Joel, you knew that. And you were pretty sure he loved you too. You just wanted⌠more. Most people did not allow themselves to love so openly anymore. And in Joelâs case? Losing Sarah had changed him. After fifteen years the man who had been Sarahâs father was gone, replaced by a man that still had his face, but was missing the warmth and comfort Joel Miller had once provided.Â
You could see it in glimpses, whenever his hand would rest on your back when he passed by. When he fell asleep in your arms deep in the night. When he kissed your forehead before he headed out for work.Â
Loving Joel Miller was easy.Â
Being loved by him was close to impossible.Â
You never really labelled your relationship, mostly because you did not think of it as important. You trusted him more than any other person on this planet. Itâs why you ignored the way he had started looking at Tess. Itâs why you did not question him when he stayed away at night. You ignored it all, opening your arms for him when he chose to come home to you, letting him in your bed just to feel close to him. To feel something.Â
The jealousy was killing you slowly, making you reckless when you let him have his way with your body.Â
But once you had missed your period the first month, and then the second, you knew that there was only one possible answer to your dilemma. You had never been late before. A ration card swapped for a twenty year old pregnancy test had your worst fears come true.Â
You were pregnant with Joel Millerâs child.Â
Fifteen years after you both buried his daughter. The daughter he never got over losing.Â
You could already see his reaction. The eyes you loved so much empty before he would tell you to deal with it.Â
You could not face his anger or disappointment, but mostly you could not face him not caring. So you packed your little belongings once he had left you in the morning, sneaking out of your bed without a word.
You did not leave a note, just fled the QZ, making your way over to Bill and Frank, hoping your friendship with Frank would make them take you in.Â
Of course Bill hadnât want to, but once he saw your stomach swell (and tasted the sweets you baked in his kitchen) he had put all his work into making the house next door into your home.Â
âMama, can we go get Strawbebbies?â you chuckled, holding her hand as you walked with her on your daily walk by the fence.Â
âStrawberries, baby,â you tried to correct her. Ava pouted at you, her dark curls swinging in the wind, her brown eyes so much like her fathers.Â
âThatâs what I said!â she put her little hands on her hips and you smiled.Â
She was definitely her fatherâs daughter.
âOkay, baby. Letâs get some Strawbebbies,â you picked her up, making her shriek with laughter. Once again you were glad you made the decision to come here. She could grow up like a child was supposed to.Â
Even though now that Bill and Frank were gone it was getting kind of lonely. You had all enjoyed a last dinner together before Bill and Frank had tucked Ava in for one last time and read her a story.Â
You had tried to keep the tears at bay as Bill had reminded you of the folder full of instructions of how to take care of things around here for you.Â
After dinner you had walked them to the gate, opening the fence for them as they took their last walk. You had watched them until they had disappeared into the dark woods before you made your way back to their house. You had cleaned the dishes and tidied everything up, before with a heavy heart, you had turned off all the lights and closed the door behind you before you walked to your house, allowing yourself to cry yourself to sleep as you sat on the floor next to the bed of your daughter, watching her sleep.Â
That night was almost three months ago. The days were getting shorter, the nights colder. Youâd have enough firewood for this winter but come spring you would have to find a way to make more.Â
You had just finished making breakfast for Ava when the motion detector alarmed you that someone was at the gate. You froze, telling Ava to eat her fruit salad before you made your way downstairs to check out what was happening.Â
Your heart was pounding against your chest, once you noticed his face.Â
Joel Miller.Â
And aâŚ. Teenage girl?
The gate swung open after he put in the code and you allowed yourself fifteen seconds to panic. You knew this day would come. The day after Bill and Frank had gone you had checked the basement, finding that Bill had put on 80âs music, the distress signal.Â
Even though you had turned it off immediately deep down you knew he would show up at some point.Â
You just did not think it would be that soon.Â
You grabbed your gun, checking if it was loaded before you made your way back upstairs. You did not think you would need it, but it was better to be prepared.Â
âAva? Remember when Uncle Bill played hide and seek with you and showed you the best place to hide?â you asked, hiding the gun in the back of your jeans as you got to your kitchen. She nodded.Â
âI want you to hide there until I come and get you,â you said.Â
âHide?â she asked. You nodded, kissing her cheek.Â
âTake Sluggi with you,â you smiled. Sluggi was the stuffed plush slug Bill had gotten for her. She nodded and ran out of the kitchen and upstairs, You heard her door to her room close and took a deep breath, calming yourself.Â
You knew this day would come. You knew one day you would have to face Joel Miller and you knew you would have to face his reaction.Â
You never regretted your decision to leave. Life has definitely been better here. That did not mean you had just stopped loving him, no matter how much he had hurt you in the past.Â
Stepping towards your front door you could see him walk towards Bill and Frankâs house.Â
You closed your eyes, taking a calming breath before you opened the door and stepped out.Â
His head snapped towards you once he heard the door opening, eyes widening for a split second before he pulled the girl that was with him behind his back.Â
He was protecting her.Â
âWhat are you doing here? Where are Bill and Frank?â he asked, his voice low.Â
âTheyâre dead. Frank got worse and⌠he couldnâtâŚâ you shook your head, lost of words. He just looked at you before he shook his head, trying to put in words what he wanted.Â
âI just⌠We need someâŚâ he took a deep breath, looking up at you, a million emotions playing over his face.Â
âAre you hungry?â you asked the girl behind him.Â
âStarving,â she replied and you smiled a little.
âThereâs some fruit salad left on the kitchen counter if you want?â you asked. She stepped around Joel and he looked at her.Â
âItâs safe. Thereâs⌠thereâs no one there,â you lied. He gave her a nod before she walked past you into your home.Â
It had been years since youâve been alone with him. He did not really change. His hair maybe a little grayer, the lines around his mouth a little deeper, but he was still Joel Miller.Â
âYou left,â he said.Â
âI did.â
âWhy?â
You took a deep breath. You looked past him towards the house the girl had walked in, hoping your little girl continued to hide. Knowing her she had was working on her puzzle. She would be okay for a moment.Â
You knew she was safe. You just needed a little moment alone.Â
âYou can have some fruit salad too. I am going to get some vegetables for dinner,â you gave him a nod, before you turned around and walked towards your garden, ignoring him as he called after you.Â
With a basket full of salad, cucumbers and some tomatoes you pushed the door of your house open. Joel was sitting on the stairs, across the door, already looking at you.Â
The girl walked past the both of you towards the living room, an apple in her hand she was munching on.Â
âThis is so fucking weird,â she shook her head and you snorted while Joel hissed at her.Â
âWhat? It is weird,â she said, her head turned towards him.Â
You smiled a little as you looked at her, before you walked towards the kitchen, setting the basket down. You had to go up to check on Ava.Â
And you had to talk to Joel.
You couldnât hide her from him, even though you wanted to do nothing more than that.Â
You took a deep breath when he walked into the kitchen.Â
âIs it okay if Ellie takes a shower?â He asked, knowing that there was warm water around town.Â
âThatâs her name. Ellie,â he clarified.
âOh. Of course, yeah,â you nodded and Ellie walked in, snorting as she looked up at Joel.Â
âYou could use one too dude,â she said and you had to fight hard against the grin as you watched the look on Joelâs face.Â
You were about to offer her to show her to the bathroom when you heard a door upstairs click open, followed from little footsteps, your eyes widening. Joel frowned, his hand immediately searching for his gun, his arm putting Ellie behind himself.Â
He raised his gun, taking a step forward as you ran around the counter, the knife you had put out to cut the salad now in your hand.Â
âGun down,â you hissed and his head snapped to you, his eyes widening when he saw the knife in your hand. You stood in front of him.Â
âI will not repeat myself, put the gun down, right now or I will put this knife in your thigh,â you fingers flexed around the handle of the knife. The footsteps came closer as you kept eye contact with Joel until he slowly lowered his gun. You nodded at him once you saw him put the gun back to wherever it came from, then looked at Ellie who was looking at you with wide eyes, before you let the knife fall down to the floor just in time as Ava jumped the last step down, rounding the corner.Â
âPotty?â She whispered shyly, looking up at you with big eyes and you sighed, before you nodded, the people behind you forgotten as you picked your daughter up. You risked a glance at Joel as you turned towards the stairs, your daughter in your arms.
His lips parted as if he wanted to say something, before you practically ran up the stairs.Â
âWho is the man mommy?â Ava asked as she was finished, washing her hands like you taught her, making as many bubbles as possible as she rubbed her hands together.Â
You sucked your bottom lip in as you watched her, your hand brushing over her soft hair.Â
âThat is an old Friend of mommy,â you explained, and she nodded.Â
âAnd the girl?â She asked.Â
âThat is a friend of him, I think. I am not sure.â
She finished washing her hands and you handed her the towel, her little face full of concentration as she dried her hands, making you smile.
You got down on your knees in front of her, your hands on her shoulders.Â
âDo you think sheâs gonna play with me?â She asked, hopeful.
âWe can ask her,â you said with a smile.
You werenât prepared for the sight in your kitchen when you came downstairs. Joel was standing at the counter, the sleeves of his shirt rolled back as he cut the tomatoes with the knife you had threatened with him not only ten minutes ago.Â
He didnât look up as you entered the room, but Ellie did. You looked between them warily.Â
âIâm Ava,â your daughter chirped and you took a deep breath, Joel still not looking up. Ellie looked at him with a frown, before she sighed, rolling her eyes, and walked towards you.
âIâm Ellie,â she said and smiled a little and bend down to her knees. Ava looked first at her, then at you.Â
âEllie, do you like sea turtles?â You asked and the girl looked at you.Â
âUhâŚ. I guess?â She said and you smiled.Â
âBecause Ava loves them. Her whole room is full of them,â you said and saw interest flicker in her eyes.
âCan I see?â Ellie asked and you nodded.Â
âYou wanna show Ellie your sea turtles?â You asked Ava and she nodded eagerly.Â
âAwesome,â Ellie said, taking Avaâs hand before you could offer to show them, the girls already walking upstairs towards Ava's room.Â
Which left you alone in the kitchen withâŚ.
âHow old is she?â Joel asked, still not looking at you as you turned to face him. He grabbed the cucumber after he had used the knife to put the tomatoes in the bowl you had prepared for the salad, beginning to slice them.Â
You took a deep breath.Â
âShe turned three last month,â you said, watching him nod slowly, the knife hitting the cutting board the only noise in the room.Â
âShe has my eyes,â he finally said and you sucked your bottom lip in, nervous.Â
âYeah she has,â you agreed and he finally looked up at you, setting the knife down, his hands spread out on the counter, resting his whole weight on them.Â
âWhy didnât you tell me?â He asked, his voice quiet.Â
âI didnât know how. JoelâŚ. You were barely acknowledging me outside of when you were inside of me. You spend all your time with Tess doing god knows what. How would you have reacted if I told you that I was pregnant? You never even acknowledged what weâŚâ you stoped yourself, shaking your head.Â
âYou should have told me. I could haveâŚâ he stopped himself, searching for what to say and you looked at him, waiting.Â
âI could have helped you. I would haveâŚ.â He shook his head, his hands shaking.Â
âIâm gonna need a moment. Can you watch after Ellie?â He asked and you nodded, confused and he nodded back before he walked past you and out of the house.Â
You just didnât think it would be almost two days before he got back. You were outside in Billâs garden, letting the girls help you pick everything that was ready from the garden when you noticed him walk towards the house.Â
You knew he was still inside the little locked up town Bill had made his safe haven. None of the alerts had went off, indicating he had left. And yeah you could have searched after him, but what good would it have done?
Youâve known him from almost twenty years, and you knew that he needed time to process certain things.Â
He hadnât talked to anyone in almost a year after the outbreak and what happened to Sarah.Â
âLook what the cat dragged in,â Ellie said as she spotted him and Ava perked up, her little head turning towards where Ellie was looking.Â
Joel nodded at the girls before he looked at you.Â
The sun was already setting and you had dinner prepared inside.Â
âHow about we have some dinner and then Ellie can read you some more of the story you started yesterday?â You asked and both girl smiled at you. Ava ran past Joel who looked after her as she disappeared into the house, Ellie following her.Â
âNext time you ditch me, at least tell me?â She glared at him before she walked back into the house. He sighed, running a hand through his messy hair.Â
âCan we talk?â He asked.Â
âAfter dinner?â You said, getting up and grabbing the basked full of fresh vegetables.Â
âYeah. Yeah okay,â he nodded and you walked towards the house, giving him a hesitant smile when he grabbed the basket from you and walked inside after you.Â
It was two hours later that you found yourself on the left corner of your couch, your legs tucked under you, a glass of wine in your hand.Â
Because this conversation needed some alcohol.Â
And not only because of what you were about to talk about, but because of the man who was sitting on the other side of the couch, similar glass of wine in his hand.Â
Because he looked so damn good.
He had showered while you put the girls to bed after dinner, the whole scene feeling so domestic. Like a dream you had many many times before when you were still dreaming.Â
Dreaming of a normal future.Â
Dreaming of a normal life.Â
Dreaming about how it would feel like if Joel Miller loved you back.Â
Because no matter how much he may have hurt you in the past, you just could not stop loving him.Â
âIâm sorry,â he whispered after a while and you turned your head to look at him, his eyes already on you.Â
âIâm shit at talking about those thingsâŚ.â He stopped.
âThose things meaning feelings?â You helped and he groaned.Â
âYeah. Always sucked at it. Even beforeâŚ.âÂ
He sighed.Â
âSarah would be so angry with me with how I treated you,â he whispered and your eyes softened. You could count on one hand how often he had brought Sarah up ever since she died.Â
And while you thought you could understand him in the past, you loved her like yours after all, now that you had Ava, you realised that loosing her would kill you.Â
It would be something you could never come back from.Â
But he did.Â
âI never cheated on you. I know you thought I did, canât blame your for it. Tess was justâŚ. Fuck, how do I explain this?â He sighed, his fingers rubbing over his chin.Â
âI never deserved you. Youâre too fucking good for me. For everyone really. Because even after the whole world went to shit, you still had some kindness left for everyone around you. I know how much you hated what we did in the beginning. And I hated myself for putting you through it. I hated myself for putting you through everything I did to you since the moment Sarah diedâŚâ he said and you could see his eyes watering.Â
âCanât blame you for hating me and leaving. And not telling me aboutâŚ.â
âJoelâŚ.â You said, setting your glass down and getting closer towards him, your hand reaching for his. Slowly he turned his hand so you could put yours in it, his fingers wrapping around your hand softly.Â
âIâm not gonna lie and tell you that itâs okay. Cause I was hurting. You were hurting me. Every time you left in the morning without a word. Every time you passed out drunk and drugged after you came back. It was like living with a ghost and it was killing me. That was the reason I decided to leave when I found out. I couldâŚ. I couldnât bring a child into this. And I knew I wanted her before I even met her. Even though it seems crazy to bring a child into this world. But⌠She was half you. And the thought that there was even the possibility that you didnât wanted herâŚ.â You took a deep breath.Â
âHonestly? I canât tell you how I would have reacted. I was⌠I was really fucked up in the weeks before you left. I was taking too many drugs. Drank too much. Got too fucking reckless. But that changed when you left,â he said and squeezed your hand.Â
âNot right away. It might have gotten worse first but⌠I got better. Not perfect, but better. And I⌠Fuck I even talked through some shit with someone. Made me realise I never even told you how much I love you,â he said and you were pretty sure you stopped breathing as he looked at you, a small smile tilting his lips up.Â
âPretty sure I fell for you the first time you walked through my door wearing that pretty baby blue dress. Even though you were way too young for me. Still are. ButâŚ. I hope you knew, know. I really fucking love you,â he said and you felt a tear running down your cheek.Â
âCan you tell me about her? About Ava?â He asked before you could form an answer to his confession. And so instead you told him.Â
You told him about how you craved strawberries your whole pregnancy. How Bill traded one of his guns for the seeds from Tess.
You told him that she only slept through the night in the beginning, when Bill put her to sleep.Â
You told her how much she reminded you of Sarah when she smiled at you.Â
You told her how every time you looked at her you saw him.Â
Hours went by where you two talked, you ending up leaning against Joelâs side, his arm around you. His fingers brushing over your arm, his other hand still holding yours. His lips brushing over your skin when he told you about how Ellie ended up at in his care.Â
How he wanted to take her to Wyoming to search for his brother who might know how to find the fireflies.Â
âDo you know where he is?â You asked and he shrugged.Â
âNot exactly. I know he messaged me from the Cody tower, so thatâs where weâll be going,â he mumbled and you nodded.Â
âWe could take Billâs truck,â you said and he stilled. You looked up at him.Â
âWe?â He asked and you chuckled, sitting yourself up so you were facing him, your hand now on his cheek.Â
âYou really think Iâm gonna let you go now?â You asked with a smile.Â
And then you finally kissed him.Â
It was decided that you would leave within the next 5 days, giving you enough time to make a list (You always made lists) of everything you had to pack.Â
Which was a lot. Getting four people across the country on a trip that hopefully would be just like you remembered road trips to be, took a lot of supplies.Â
And while you were preoccupied deciding which food was best to take, Joel had asked you if he could spend some time with Ava. He wanted to get to know her. And of course, you agreed. Watching him, Ellie and Ava walk towards the garage where they spend hours doing god knows what.Â
It was almost dark outside when they walked back in, your heart melting as you watched Joel carry a very sleepy Ava inside who told you all about how seatbelts where very scary, something you would make sure to ask Joel about as you took her upstairs, putting her to bed.Â
The days went by quickly like that.
Joel quickly became Avaâs favourite person which could have to do with the fact, that she was always allowed to sit on his shoulders. Ellie had been confused, yet delighted at the change in the grumpy man she had left the QZ with.Â
He even got his Dad jokes out, making the teenager groan in mock annoyance throughout the day. Ellie also spend a lot of time with you, wanting to learn everything you offered to teach her. Starting from making protein bars for the trip down to how to properly braid her hair.Â
Even though she preferred you doing it.Â
You got the impression that she never really had anyone how just⌠listened to her or wanted to spend time with her. She told you she grew up in FEDRA School and that her mother had died while giving birth.Â
She had no family and her best friend (though you got the impression Riley had been more than just a friend) had died not that long ago.Â
That the only thing she had left in life was her purpose to save the world. Joel had told you that she was immune, Ellie showing you the healed scars to confirm it.Â
âYou know that thatâs not the only thing you have left, right?â You asked her, sitting on the porch next to her, enjoying one last sunset, watching Joel and Ava play soccer. Her little feet chasing after Joel with happy squeals.Â
âWhat do you mean?â Ellie asked and you looked at her with a smile.Â
âYou have us, Ellie. You think we just gonna let you go?â You asked and she stubbornly shook her head.Â
âI have to do this. Itâs my purpose. I have to save the world,â she said and looked away from you.Â
âAre you saying this because you feel that way, or because someone told you so?â You asked and she looked at you.Â
âBecause it should be your decision what to do and what not. And⌠think about it, even if they are somehow able to make a cure out of your blood, do you really think they will be able to make enough to make a vaccine for everyone? Who will decide who gets it? And if they end up deciding on giving it to everyoneâŚ. There are so many bad people out there. Do they deserve to be saved too?â You asked and you could see her thinking about your words and you smiled softly at her.Â
âEven if you donât like hearing it, your a kid Ellie. You should grow up and live first before you make a decision like that. You donât even know how they would get whatever they needed from your blood. If I remember correctly Cordyceps grow in the brain, what if they have to get into your brain to get out whatever they need?â You said and her eyes widened.Â
âBut MarleneâŚ.â She whispered and you reached over her, taking her hand.Â
âI donât know how well you know Marlene, but Iâve known her for more than ten years. I know how she manipulates people to get what she wants. You wouldnât even notice it,â you said and she sighed.Â
âIâm gonna think about it,â she said finally and you gave her a small smile.Â
âThatâs all I ask about. Now how about you get upstairs and take one last long hot shower before we are on the road for days?â You asked and she nodded, standing up and turning away from you to walk inside the house before she turned back to you and hugged you quickly.
After saying good night to Ellie later you walked towards your daughters room, her little suitcase for her toys laying open next to her bed, waiting for Sluggi to be put into the next morning. She was already in bed, Joel sitting on the floor next to her, reading to her.Â
You wished you could take a picture of this. Unfortunately the Polaroid camera had broken earlier this year.Â
âMommy!â A tired Ava smiled as she saw you, her arms raised towards you. Joel looked up and smiled at you as you walked over, climbing into the bed behind your daughter, pulling her into your arms.Â
âWhat story is Joel reading you?â You asked.Â
âThe little mermaid,â she said and you found Joelâs eyes. You had been thinking about it for the last days now. Telling her who Joel really is. He slipped into your life like the missing piece, the man you had fallen in love with all these years back seemingly falling right back into his role as being the best father there ever could be.Â
So before you could talk yourself out of it you said
âYour sister loved that one too.â
Joel gulped, his eyes growing sad for a moment, before he looked at Ava.Â
âI have a sister?â She asked you, her eyes big.
âMmmhâŚ. Her name was Sarah. She watched the movie every single night before she went to bed,â you explained and Ava pursed her lips in an ooooh motion.Â
âThere was a movie?â She asked in awe.
âOh yeah there was. And a cassette with the music. Canât remember how often she made me listen to itâ Joel said and smiled softly.Â
âWhere is Sarah?â Ava asked and your smile went sad.Â
âSheâs where Uncle Bill and Uncle Frank are. Watching over us,â you explained and she hummed.Â
âI wish I could hug her,â she whispered and you nodded, tears in your eyes, squeezing her against your chest, your hand reaching out Joelâs hand finding yours as you kissed her forehead, looking at him who had tears in his eyes.Â
âMe too baby. Me too,â you whispered before taking a deep breath.
âYou know Joel is her daddy,â you finally said and she looked at you.Â
âHe is?â She asked and you nodded.Â
âI bet he is the best daddy,â she sighed and you chuckled at Joelâs cheeks turning pink.Â
âYeah he is. What would you say if I tell you that Joel is your daddy too?â You asked and her big eyes looked at you first and then her head turned towards Joel.Â
âMy daddy?â She asked and both you and Joel nodded with a smile, her smile getting wider, before she jawned.
âI always wanted a daddy,â she whispered before her eyes dropped close.Â
You were walking down the stairs to Bill's basement after you showered, finding Joel checking if he could manage to take any more guns. The supplies had all been packed into the truck already, but he just couldnât bring himself to leave anything of value behind.Â
He looked up when he heard your footsteps, giving you a small smile.Â
Walking over to him you were surprised when he reached for you, pulling you into his lap, one of his arms looped around you, his other hand on your cheek, his fingers brushing over your skin.Â
âI didnât know you were gonna tell her,â he whispered and you smiled.Â
âShe deserves to know. Iâm sorry I didnât tell her sooner. If I would have stayed you wouldnât have missed so muchâŚâ he stopped you by kissing you softly.Â
âNone of that. We both know I would have fucked this up. I would have said some really fucked up things and hurt you even more. So, thereâs nothing you have to be sorry for, okay?â He looked at you, his eyes pleading.Â
You released a long breath, bringing both of your arms up to cross behind his neck.Â
âHave I told you lately that I love you, Joel Miller?â You whispered with a small smile that he mirrored.Â
âDonât think so. But I donât blame you, I gotta say it a lot more often than you to make up for all the years I didnât tell you. I do love hearing it though. Love you,â he mumbled before he kissed you again. His lips moving on top of yours slowly, his hand tilting your head up a little so he could deepen the kiss.Â
With a little sigh you parted your lips for him, his tongue dipping into your mouth, a deep moan coming from him, his arm pulling you closer against him.Â
There had been lots of making out in the last days, stolen kisses when the girls werenât in the room, secret touches under the table while you had dinner.Â
But you havenât slept together.Â
And you were ready.Â
âJoel,â you mumbled, parting from his lips. He hummed, his lips running down your jaw.Â
âWe arenât gonna be alone for a while,â you whimpered, your head tilting up to give his wandering lips some more space.Â
âWhat are you proposing?â He asked, playfully nibbling on your neck.Â
âIâm proposing that you fuck me, Miller. Right here,â you gasped when you felt his other hand slip between your legs.Â
âRight here?â He asked, his fingers over the seam of your slick panties.Â
âMmmmhhâŚ.â You closed your eyes, biting your lip when he pushed the fabric to the side, his fingers dipping between you slick folds, lazily teasing you.Â
âAll that for me?â He asked and you opened your eyes, crashing your lips against his.Â
âItâs been almost four years Joel. Please donât tease me,â you whined and his eyes softened before he picked you up and set you down on the table behind him. Within the next minutes you were both naked, your hands in his hair as you kissed him as he stood between your parted legs, the heavy weight of his cock resting against your stomach.Â
âGonna need to prepare you,â he hummed, his hands on your ass. You shook your head.Â
âPlease just fuck me. You know I can take it,â you whined, one of your hands wrapping around his cock, making him hiss. He groaned, sucking your bottom lip between his before he slapped your hand away, his dark eyes fixed on yours as he held his hand out to you. Waiting.Â
Feeling your whole body heat up you spit in his hand and the left corner of his mouth twitched.Â
âMy good girl,â he praised you and you couldnât stop whimpering.Â
He brought his hand down to wrap it around his cock, coating it in your saliva, before he lined himself up. You had dripped on the table you were sitting on, more than ready to take him.Â
âI love you,â he whispered and you looked at him with a soft smile, your lips parting when he slowly pushed his cock into you. Filling you inch by inch, both of you starring into each others eyes.Â
âMissed this,â you moaned.Â
âMissed you,â you crossed your legs behind him, giving him a little push, his cock finally filing you up completely.Â
âFucking Perfect,â he groaned kissing you again before he began to move, pumping into you slowly.Â
You let yourself fall back down against the table, stretching your arms over your head, your back arching, your tits moving every time Joel fucked into you.Â
He licked his fingers, bringing it down between your legs, his thrusts getting harder as he rubbed your clit, your pussy clenching around him.Â
âYes⌠Baby⌠Just like thatâŚ.â You moaned, your hands coming down to play with your tits.Â
âYou gonna be a good girl and cum for me?â He asked, moving faster, his skin slapping against yours every time he moved.
Nodding, you moaned, your eyes rolling back as you came, your whole body shaking as he fucked you through it.Â
âShitâŚ.â He groaned, both of his hands now coming to rest on either side of you as he leaned down, fucking into you deeply, chasing his own orgasm.Â
âWant you to cum again,â he grunted, kissing you, drilling his cock into you, the whole table moving over the floor.Â
âWant you to cum inside me. Let me feel you,â you whimpered, your hands in his hair, trying to meet his thrusts.Â
âFuck that isâŚ. Not a good ideaâŚ.â He laughed and you grinned.Â
âI donât care. Wanna feel you. Cum for me, Joel. Cum inside me,â you whispered and he groaned, fucking into you a half dozen times more before you felt him twitch inside of you, filling you, making you cum for a second time.Â
Both out of breath you looked at each other before Joel leant down and kissed you.Â
âSleep in bed with me?â You hummed against his lips.Â
âAs long as you let me,â he answered against your lips before you both sneaked upstairs.Â
Against all odds after six days of a rather boring trip across the country you reached the radio tower in Cody. And two days later a group patrol of people on horses found you, asking you all kinds of questions before a man pulled the bandana that had been covering his face down, revealing Tommy Miller in the flesh.Â
By now you were living in Jackson for almost a year.Â
Ellie had decided to stay and live her life, the constant threat of someone looking for her still on the horizon, but it was decided that the town was not in immediate danger. Patrols kept an eye out for fireflies, but they havenât spotted anyone.Â
You were living a happy life all things considered.Â
Ava went to pre school, Ellie went to normal school. They really became sisters in the last year, spending a lot of time together.Â
Even though Ellie started to spend more and more time with a girl called Dina you suspected was more than just a friend.Â
Joel was always working on improving the house.Â
He had changed the most, back to the man he had been before the outbreak. Yes, he still was the protector when he needed to be, but most of the time he was just Joel. Your husband.Â
âYellow?â He asked, holding the can of paint up.
You walked over to him with a smile, nodding.
âItâs a happy colour. I like happy colours,â you shrugged and he chuckled, setting the can down on the floor before he put his arms around you, pulling you against his chest.
One of his hands came to rest on your growing belly, the baby inside kicking up a storm as if it could sense their dads hand, making you both smile.Â
âStill think itâs gonna be a girl?â You asked and he nodded, before he kissed you softly.Â
âThink Iâm meant to be surrounded by beautiful girls,â he hummed before he kissed you again.Â
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Fighting
A)n: Heyyyy... I'm back :)
Warning: none, angst, yelling, arguing
Gn reader Masterlist
Steven
He doesnât yell
But itâs that exactly that makes it worse
He refuses to yell, but heâll be a sarcastic little shit
âOh really? How lovely.â
âOh my dearest apologies, my liege, I didnât realize I had to agree with everything you had to say.â
Steven wonât back down, heâll keep this energy until heâs done talking about it and then heâll ignore you
He wonât ask how your day's been, he won't hug you, he won't even look at you
And itâll drive you crazy
The only reason this started was because Steven missed a date and didnât acknowledge that he would be late or wanted to cancel
He was working late for Donna again, but this time it just set off something in his head
Normally you wouldnât be too upset about him missing a date, seeing as heâs got other people to take care of and heâs got a shitty boss, but when you asked him about the date, he blew up
âGod, it was one date, why do you have to nag me about it?â
âExcuse me? I wasnât trying to nag you, Steven, I just wanted to know what happened.â
âYouâre not my bloody parent, you donât need to know!â
âTake that back.â
âNo.â
And now you're in your room and Steven's sleeping on the couch
That night will give him time to realize he was in the wrong and he'll feel super guilty
When he wakes up with a stiff back and sore neck, he'll think he deserves it
He'll wait until you come out to get up
And then he's following you around like a lost puppy
He won't say anything, but he'll look so sad and just be following you everywhere you go
It would be cute if you weren't upset with him
You'll have to be the one to start a conversation, but as soon as you say a single word to him, Steven's apologizing faster than you can process
"Love, I'm so so sorry. I was an absolute knob, I was so stressed and upset yesterday and I know that's not a reason to treat you so terribly, but it was such a bad day. I promise I'll make it up with 3, no, 5 dates! We can do whatever you want today and tomorrow and all week! Please forgive me, darling. I know I don't deserve it, but please just give me another chance."
He looks like he's about to burst into tears and kneel for you
(Which would be hot in a different setting)
Depending on how passionate you feel about this, it might take some time to forgive him, but he's there every second of the day
Or if you want him to leave you alone, he'll respect that
You'll find little notes of lovey poems around the flat and your favorite snacks littered around the living room
He honestly feels like a terrible partner so when you do decide to forgive him, just give him a kiss and hug him
He'll cry and apologize a bunch more so just pet his head and tell him it's ok
He'll genuinely sit you down and ask if there's something he can do to get his 'anger issues' under control
Poor baby doesn't have anger issues, he just has a shitty boss <3
Marc
He yells
He yells loud and painful things
He doesnât care, he canât bother to care
Heâs angry and thatâs all he feels
He canât think past it, itâs like he sees red
Heâll shout until his throat is raw, but heâll get as many insults and sarcastic comments he can before that happens
He knows what heâs doing is wrong, he knows the only reason youâre arguing is because of him
But heâs not backing down
He wants to hurt you and he does
And it makes everything worse for at least a week
Marc came home absolutely wreaked from a fight and refused your help, preferring to drink and just sit there
If you werenât so upset at the fact he refused your help and instead wanted the help of alcohol, youâd yell at him about staining the couch with his blood
Youâll either have to deal with Marc breaking out into an argument after the initial one, or leave to stay somewhere else
If you come back the next day, Marc will still be upset
He wonât start yelling at you again, but heâll ignore you
And it really just stops there
Itâs the silent treatment for a week
He'll make dinner for you and all that, but he won't talk to you
He'll stare at you, wondering if you'll be the one to apologize
Or he'll be staring at you to see if you're watching him
You're not
He'll stay silent for an entire week, festering in his anger and guilt until it overflows
And when you come back home from work or being out late, he's waiting for you
And he looks like a kicked puppy
It was no surprise Marc had no idea how to apologize and admit/accept his feelings but at this moment, none of that mattered
His guilt and the feeling of missing you outweighed his discomfort of voicing his feelings
He'll start with an apology, saying how sorry he was and how terrible he felt
He didn't give any excuse or reason for his anger, he just apologized and stood there
He expects you to yell at him, leave him, insult him
Just gently take him in your arms and kiss his cheek
You don't even have to tell him anything, he'll promise to never yell at you like that again
"If I do, you can hit me as hard as you want."
Marc will say, though if you did actually hit him, he'd probably cry
He'll be so genuine with his words and.the nail in the coffin was the fact that he promised
Marc never makes promises, even if he knows he can fulfill them
But he swears up and down that he will never yell at you again
And he does everything in his power to reverse or heal the damage his words did to you
Even going out of his comfort zone
He loves you so much and he doesn't understand why you're still with him, but he thanks every God and Goddess that you are
Jake
Heâs dangerously silent
Heâll stand there completely blanked face, eyes set in a slight glare as you argue about something that was definitely his fault
Maybe he missed a date and didnât bother to let you know he wasnât coming or wrote off your worry about a few injuries and called you âclingyâ and âoverbearingâ
Either way, he doesnât respond to your anger, just standing there like he didnât care
And it hurt
Once you were done explaining how you felt or what Jake did wrong, heâll roll his eyes, pull out a cigarette and sit in the couch
Heâll play the baseball game he may have missed or just watch the news to really set in that something that boring was more interesting than your feelings
âDo you seriously find the news more important than our relationship?â
He wonât look at you
âI canât believe this. If you care so fucking little, then why are you still here?â
âThis is my house.â
âThen maybe I should go if itâs just your house.â
âYou should.â
And you do
You go to a friends house, or a hotel, somewhere that you can rest for the night because youâre obviously not going to get anywhere with Jake and you canât stand his attitude
The second youâre out of the room, Jake curses and throws the tv remote at the wall
He throws everything that he can without any worry of breaking something or getting a noise complaint
He'll throw bottles, plates, pillows, books
Once he's run out of steam, he'll shamefully clean up everything, throwing glass away and putting pillows back
That's give him the time he needs to realize 'oh shit, I fucked up'
He won't come out and admit it instantly, no
He'll fester in his guilt and figure out what exactly he should say
He'll even plan out when he should breathe during his apology
And when you get home, no matter when that is, Jake it waiting patiently with breakfast, lunch, or dinner
He'll give a nervous smile and walk up to you, giving you a hesitant kiss on your cheek before pulling you to the living room couch
Your plate of food is already made and somehow still warm despite Jake no knowing when you'd be back
He'll give an awkward apology, explaining how he's still not used to being something more than a protector for Marc and Steven, how he's still learning to let people in, how he loves you with all his heart despite being such a monster
He might start crying, but he'll try not to show you
He doesn't want to show vulnerability, but he knows it's important in a relationship
So he'll just ask very quietly if he can hug you
Is you say no, he'll nod in understanding as tears fall into his lap
He'll quietly mutter another apology and just sit there, unsure as to what to do
If you say yes, however, he'll gently wrap his arms around your waist and bury his head in your neck
He'll silently cry, muttering 'i love you' over and over again until you say it back
Just rub his back and kiss his head, tell him you forgive him or need time to forgive him and he'll understand either way
He loves you with his entire being, almost like he lives off of loving you
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Moon Boys with a Pregnant Reader
Warnings: mentions of pregnancy and reader being pregnantÂ
Authorâs Snip: Something wholesome to go with the previous headcanon about calling them your husband.
Iâll shut up now. Enjoy! And donât be afraid to request.
Steven Grant
Absolutely over the moon
I've said it before I will say it a million times more, Steven wants to be a father SO BAD and he wants as many as you two can manage. So when you're pregnant he shakes with joy
Steven makes it his job to make sure your pregnancy is the easiest it can be
He looks up remedies for any symptoms to help ease them and consults on mom forums to ask for advice on what he should be doing
Steven also researches the development of babies in the womb, like their size at each point in time/stage, what they're able to do, all that
To him, the best and most important part is when they start to kick and hear. Once the baby can hear he makes sure to talk to your bump so that they're used to their voice. It's as wholesome as you think it is, man is just yapping like he always does.
"When you're out here it's going to be great. We have everything ready and set for you."
Steven starts making a picture book so that the baby can look through it when they're older and also have memories. Marc and Jake make fun of him for it but they look through the photos that he's put in already like the first sonogram and the progression of your bump with side notes like "You're about the size of an apple in this one."
Steven gets a bit of a spending addiction once it's time to start buying stuff. He can't help it. He'll be there at the store and passes the baby aisle and he sees all the cute onesies, clothes, mobiles, and the tiny little shoes. My goodness, the tiny little shoes.
You have to tell him no and it breaks your heart a little to say no to him, but you already have like three baby mobiles and plenty of clothes.
Steven is honestly the dream father. All the women in the vicinity of you will see you and him out together and come up saying that it's so nice to see a man taking care of and being so involved in the pregnancy
When you're close to being due Steven can hardly sleep. What if you go into labor right now? Or in the middle of the night when he's out. Or what if you sit down too fast and that triggers it to start. Honestly, you need to tell him to calm down
Marc Spector
Marc makes it his job to take care of you and protect you
You know the deal. Marc's anxious about being a dad and that he's going to do it wrong or not protect them, so he starts being protective of you while pregnant to feed his need to be protective and prepared. It's nice and all but when you first started out he was a bit in your space
Eventually he tones it down but he is still being a bit of a guard dog
He closely checks all the food while you're at the grocery store to make sure nothing is in there that you and the baby aren't meant to have
Also, you will always get the lighter bags. Always. Marc will carry all the heavy ones and no, you can not convince him to let you carry one bag. You're carrying the baby, that's the only 'heavy' thing you should be carrying
He's also very picky and methodical. Steven said that pregnant people 'nest' but it seems like somehow Marc has taken most of that
He cleans everything until he deems it clean enough and places things in spots that "seem right". However, when it comes to the placement of things in the nursery he always asks you for your opinion because you, as the one carrying the baby, get the final say
When your baby starts to kick and your baby bump gets more prominent he gets all soft and mushy, emotional even. He was just preparing for something that he was expecting but now he knows that this is real. You're actually pregnant. You're going to have a baby with them and raise a child together.
It actually makes him cry, in a good way, because this is his chance to prove himself of being worthy of having joy and happiness to himself
For a good long while, Marc spends his free nights laying with his head next to your bump and just basking in the feeling. He talks to them too.
"It's just crazy to me because... you're there. You're actually real. You can hear me and you can kick and all that. And when you come out I can hold you and you can make noise and cry and squirm around. It's crazy. You're real, and I'm your dad and I'll get to see you grow up and teach you how to be a person."
When you're close to being due, he and the boys make a go bag so that you can be ready for when you go into labor but Marc sort of falls back into the intense need for preparation that he gets anxious over it and will check the go bag over and over and over again to make sure everything is in there
You need to tell him that it's alright and that the things in the bag aren't going to sneak off somehow
Jake Lockley
Jake makes sure you're happy
In his mind, there's no need to stress over the baby's growth because the doctors and check-ups take care of that. If something is wrong or needs to be done then they'll tell you and you can do what they said to do. But otherwise, he's more focused on you.
That's not to say he isn't doing anything. Of course not! He makes sure you're comfortable and healthy and that you aren't taking on any stress or workloads that might cause strain
Jake 100% is the one who builds everything, and he's good at it, and fast as hell. He built the whole baby crib in like five minutes and then started the next thing
I do feel like he takes on making the pregnancy more fun though
And by that I mean he makes stupid jokes to make you laugh
He quotes the how is prangent formed video all the time and says "pregananant" and "pregante" regularly
When you're in your final stage of pregnancy and are very pregnant he picks up everything that you drop because he knows you can't do it because the bump makes it impossible to bend down
He's seen you try before, and it's funny to him. You look like Chicha from Emperor's New Groove. That or you sit on the floor to be able to get it and then can't get back up.
He's very wholesome though. He's got the sonogram in his wallet as a keepsake to look at from time to time while he's at work
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baby, iâm yours
Post Outbreak! Joel Miller x Female Reader
summary: You remind Joel that youâre his.
warnings/tags: 18+ ONLY, MINORS DNI. JACKSON ERA. READER HAS NO PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION however she does wear Joelâs t-shirt and he semi lifts her onto a counter? sorta but not really? UNSPECIFIED AGE GAP (Joel is in his 50âs but readerâs specific age is not mentioned). established relationship, sort of. consumption of food (if you are allergic to peanuts, i so sorry). angst, Joel and Ellieâs strained relationship is lightly implied, Joel is insecure, itâs implied reader did some horrible things in her past, reassurance, brief smut, unprotected p in v sex, creampie, consider it a quickie idk. apologies if i missed anything.
word count: 2.6k
a/n: this short lil thing has been sitting in my drafts forever. i finished it while i was in ireland and finally had the chance to sit down and do a quick edit and when i say it was quick, i flew through it so i could hop onto my next wip so please excuse any errors! hereâs a spotify link to the song if anyoneâs curious, itâs an oldie but a goodie although it may not be everyoneâs cup of tea.
main masterlist l fic notifs
Joel rolls over in bed, his arm outstretched and seeking the warmth of your soft, naked body.
âMmph,â a small, sleepy groan falls from his lips as his long, thick fingers feel around on your side of the bedâof his bed. Of course, you have your very own bedroom in the house you all had been placed in when you first arrived in Jackson. Your very own bed to sleep in is just down the hallway, but lately, youâve been waking up beside him a lot more often than not, especially now that Ellieâs a bit older and sheâs gone and made herself her own space out in the garage behind the house. Being under the same roof as Joel did those two more harm than it did good, and while you missed having her around, it was for the best.
âSheâll come around, Joel,â youâd assured him. âI know she will. She just needs a bit of time is all.â
âHope youâre right, darlinâ,â he had murmured sadly in response.
Still lost somewhere in between sleep and full consciousness, Joel continues feeling around for you, but all he finds are the wrinkled sheets, cold and abandoned. Confused, his eyes finally flutter open and with a painful protest from his sore, stiff back, he sits up, blinking furiously as he looks around the darkness of his bedroom. The doorâs been left cracked open ever so slightly, and as his vision adjusts now that heâs fully awake, he notices the dim glow of the hallway light thatâs peeking through into the room.
He turns and glances over at the old digital alarm clock perched on his nightstand, the obnoxious, bright red numbers practically screaming at him that itâs a quarter past midnight. With a small, tired grunt, Joel switches on the lamp beside the clock and swings his legs over the side of the mattress, goosebumps erupting across his flesh the instant that his bare feet meet the cold, hardwood floor. He stands and fumbles around for his clothes, which heâd tossed carelessly somewhere over his shoulder hours earlier when heâd been lost in the heat of the moment with you. He finds his faded, navy blue sweatpants strewn across a chair next to the door and pulls them on over his naked lower body before searching for his t-shirt. When he doesnât immediately see it, he doesnât bother, figuring that itâs just going to come back off when he climbs back into bed with you.
Padding out of his bedroom, he makes his way down the hallway, heading towards the staircase. As he draws closer, he hears itâthe soft music thatâs coming from downstairs.
Baby, I'm yours
and I'll be yours until the stars fall from the sky
yours until the rivers all run dry
in other words, until I die
Heâs led towards the kitchen and thatâs where he finds you.
Joel wants to be annoyed.Â
Fuck, he tries to be annoyed. But he canât help the way that the corners of his mouth threaten to turn upwards when his eyes take in the sight before him.
Youâre standing at the center island slowly swaying your hips from side to side along to the beat of the song thatâs playing from the record player perched next to the instant coffee maker on the counter behind you. Heâd nearly wrung your neck when he found out what all you had traded just to get your hands on it, but you loved that thing more than life itself it seemed, so he couldnât stay mad for very long. Youâre making yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwichâthe peanut butter youâd learned how to make yourself with the old food processor he found deep in one of the kitchen cabinets, and the strawberry preserves you had picked up from the market earlier that week. Clad in nothing but his t-shirt, youâre singing along quietly to the lyrics as you finish making your late night snack.
Baby, Iâm yours
and Iâll be yours until the sun no longer shines
yours until the poets run out of rhyme
in other words, until the end of time
Joel leans against the doorframe, his arms crossed over his bare chest as he watches you carefully lick the remnants of peanut butter off of the knife youâre using before setting it down on the counter. You then pick up the two pieces of bread and slap them togetherâyouâd also learned how to bake homemade bread using some old nineties cookbook you had found in the communeâs library. Your sourdough is the reason he had to go up a notch in his belt.
Sandwich in hand, you do a little spin, humming happily as you take your first bite.
Joel loudly clears his throat from the doorway.
Startled, you whirl around and freeze, your eyes wide.
âEnjoyinâ yourself there, darlinâ?â He asks amusedly as he approaches you.
âJesus Christ! You scared me, Joel!â You hiss at him. You then realize what time of night it is and a look of guilt crosses your features. âOh shit. Iâm sorry, did I wake you up? I honestly thought that I had the volume down low enough in hereââ
Frowning, you turn around and reach towards the record player to turn the music off, but much to your surprise, Joel stops you. âNo, sâokay. I woke up on my own,â he assures you. âI reached over for you and you were gone.â The admission slips before he can even think to stop it. He notices how taken aback you are by what heâd just said and quickly asks, âWhatâcha doinâ up so late, anyway?â
âI was hungry,â you tell him, sheepishly holding up your food. You always have one hell of an appetite after Joel was through fucking you senseless. You take another bite and offer it to him. âWant some?â
âSure.â
He accepts and takes a corner of the sandwich before handing it back to you. His fingers brush against yours and his face burns at the contact.
Fucking Christ.Â
Youâre standing there in nothing but his fucking t-shirt after he had, yet again, made you his in his own fucking bed, and thatâs what gets him?
Truth be told, the only time he holds your hand is when heâs inside of youâhis fingers lace with your own as he comforts you and praises you for being such a good girl for taking his cock the way you do.
For being so, so fucking good for him.
Heâs thought about taking your hand in front of others. Particularly when he notices the way some of the men in town stare at you. Joel wants to make it known that youâre already spoken for. Only, youâre not spoken for, not really.Â
Youâre his, but youâre not really his. Itâs not that he doesnât want to take the leap and acknowledge the two of you are far more than just patrol partners, far more than just two people who fought like fucking hell to get some smart assed teenagerâand the worldâs only hope for a cureâacross the country.
He feels undeserving of it. Of you and your heart.
Several seasons had come and gone since youâd both arrived in Jackson with Ellie in tow, and somehow, Joel still canât fathom what youâre doing by his side. Sheâs out of the house now and thereâs nothing tying you to him, so why are you still here?
Heâs so much older. Closer and closer to being on his way out, while you still had your entire life left ahead of you. Heâs worn down, hardened from the post outbreak world. And you, you hadnât lost any of your softness, your sweetness. Not even after the things youâd been forced to do to survive because of him.
You could meet someone younger, someone closer to your own age. You could marry, even start a family. You could be with someone who could give you a good life, the life you deserve.
The life that heâs too fucking broken to give you.
âJoel?â Your voice breaks into his thoughts. âHey. Are you okay?â
âYeah. Mâfine.â He gestures to the record player with a nod of his head. âYâknow, this songâs older than me. By a few years. Came out in the early sixties.â
Joel half expects you to make some wisecrack joke and tease him over his age like you have done in the pastâespecially when the kid would get you going. Instead, he watches you set whatâs left of your sandwich down and brush the crumbs from your hands before holding one of them out to him.
Confused, he stares at it for a moment before his dark eyes meet yours. âWhat are you doinâ?â
âDance with me,â you say, smiling at him.
âYouâre fuckinâ kiddinâ me, right?â When he realizes youâre being serious, he shakes his head. âYâknow I donâtâI canât dance.â
Dropping your hand back down to your side, you turn around and flip the record, starting the song over again before whirling back around and taking Joelâs hands in yours.
âJust follow my lead,â you tell him as you place them on your waist. Your own hands settle themselves on his broad shoulders, his skin warm beneath your fingertips. âDonât overthink it.â
âYouâre fuckinâ ridiculous,â Joel grumbles underneath his breath, however he finds himself moving along with you without further protest. Subconsciously, he pulls you closer against him as the two of you slowly sway from side to side along to the beat of the music. He chuckles, âYâknow we gotta be up at the asscrack of dawn for patrol, right?â
âAnd your point is?â You rest your head on his shoulder and exhale a soft, contended sigh.
Joelâs lips threaten to pull down once more.
Could it be that youâre actually content with him?
Head still on his shoulder, you sing along softly with Barbara Lewis.Â
âIâm gonna stay right here by your side
do my best to keep you satisfied
nothing in this world can drive me away
âcause every day you'll hear me sayâŚâ
It quickly becomes too much for him. Joelâs hands leave your waist. Taking your wrists, he tugs your arms from around his neck and gently pushes you away from him. âWhy?â he finally asks the question thatâs been hanging off the tip of his tongue for the better part of the last three years. âWhy me?â
You stare at him, puzzled. âWhat?â
âWhy me?â he repeats himself. âWhy me when you can have anyone elseââ
Your reply is prompt and you say it so simply.
âBecause I donât want anyone else.â
âYou deserve better.â
You peer at him curiously. âI deserve better?â
âYou do. Ainât got no business being with someone like me. After all the terrible shit Iâve doneââ
âI did the same exact shit, Joel. Sometimes I did even fucking worse.â Somehow, softness laces your tone. You have never been angry with him and you werenât about to start now. âWhat makes my hands any cleaner than yours?â
Joel begins to sputter. âMâolder than you. Much older. Shouldâa been a lot more careful. Shouldâa done more so you didnât have to do those things.â
His hands still curled around your wrists, you reach up and gingerly cradle the sides of his face. He winces, but then quickly melts into your touch, the very same touch that could heal his wounds, if only he would allow it.
âI made my own choices,â you remind him, quietly. Neither of you realize the music has stopped. âQuit acting like blood doesnât stain my hands too because it does.â
His lips press into a tight line. âBlood stains your hands âcause of me. Sâmy fault. I was responsible for you. I was sâpposed to take care of you. I didnât protect you the way I shouldâve.â
You sigh.
âWhen are you going to stop blaming yourself, Joel?â
The muscle in his jaw ticks as it clenches. He averts his gaze, his eyes falling to the floor. He doesnât answer.
You stroke the scruff of his beard lightly with your thumbs. âWhen are you going to stop thinking youâre not good enough for me? Whatâs it going to take for me to prove to you that you are all I could ever need and want?â
âYouâre just wastinâ your fuckinâ life on me, darlinâ. Sâthe truth and you fuckinâ know it as well as I do.â
Pulling your wrists out of his hands, you pivot on your heel and suck in a sharp breath, stubbornly blinking back the tears stinging your eyes. Youâre frustrated.
It cuts you to your very core to know the man youâve grown to love more than anything and anyone else on whatâs left of this fucking planet canât see that heâs enough. Heâs more than enough.
Joel bites back his own frustrated sigh. He knows he canât rely on you to tell him, rely on the reassuranceâhe needs to do his part and believe it. If he keeps trying to push you away, he just may very well succeed one day. He will lose you.
After a moment, he walks up behind you and wraps his arms around you, his lips lightly brushing your neck. âMâsorry,â he mumbles, his own voice thickening as a lump forms in the back of his throat. Heâs quick to swallow it down. âJusâ have a hard time believinâ youâre mine. Sâalmost like my mind is lookinâ to prove me wrong.â
âBut I am yours, Joel. Iâm yours, Iâm fucking yours.â
Itâs more than just reassurance. Itâs an oath, one youâll honor for the rest of your life.
He holds you tighter. âYeah?â He nips at the delicate spot right below your ear, his teeth scraping along tender flesh. âSâthat right, baby? Youâre all mine?â
âAll yours,â you confirm breathlessly as his hands slowly begin trailing down the length of your sides, his fingers skimming the hem of his t-shirt.
Joel swiftly turns you around in his arms and slips his hand between your thighs. The next thing you know, he has you backed up against the counter and heâs shoving his sweatpants down, freeing his hard, thick cock. With one of your legs hooked around his waist, he buries himself into the warmth of your cunt and begins to deliver smooth, languid strokes.
âSay it again, baby,â he rasps into your neck. He coaxes your other leg up and around his waist and his large hands curl securely underneath your thighs as he bucks up into you. Heâd deal with the back pain later. He pants, âNeedâneed to hear you say it, my sweet girl.â
You hold onto the countertop behind you as he fucks you, your fingernails digging into the laminated wood. âFuck, Iâm yours,â you moan into his shoulder. âIâm all yours, Joel. Oh fuckââ
You say it over and over again and he believes it.
He finally fucking believes it.
Sweet nothings fall from his lips with each thrust.
âSâlucky youâre all fuckinâ mine.â
âMy beautiful, beautiful girl.â
âGonna keep you for the rest of my fuckinâ life.â
When he spills into you, thereâs no regret on his part nor yours. Youâd always wanted to feel him come inside of youâsecretly, so did he. Joelâs deep, guttural groans bounce off of the kitchen walls as your pussy fills with him, with all of him, taking as much as it can before he begins leaking out of you and down the insides of your thighs.
âJesus,â he exhales. He dips his head for a kiss. âYouâre all messy now, baby,â he mumbles against your lips. âHowâs about we go upstairs and get back into bed so I can clean you up?â
Giggling, you mimic him and remind him of what heâd said earlier. âYâknow we gotta be up at the asscrack of dawn for patrol, right?â
Joel grins. âAnd your point is?â
You laugh again as he leads you out of the kitchen and back up to his bedroomâto yours and his bedroom.
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omg i really really love your blog<3 you are such a sweet person and so kind to all your followers and others on here and your writing is absolutely amazing!
i saw ur requests were open and i was wondering if you could write something for poe dameron? a hurt comfort because in your rules you said you wouldn't accept full angst which honestly is so real of you and i completely agree :D its just, ive read so many fics where poe's best friend or squadron member is either in love with him or fwb with him and he starts dating someone and they look rlly in love but then he leaves the person for the best friend and i cant help but always wonder how the person he left is feeling! and i was wondering if you could write something along the lines of this but he doesnt leave the reader and hes not really in love with his best friend or anything im so sorry this became really long but you can totally ignore this or say you cant do it its absolutely alright!<33
thank you sm though and i hope you have a good day!
Anon, thank you so much for such lovely and kind words! You are AMAZING! (Seriously, they have absolutely made my day/week/year!)
This ask has killed me (positive), my subconsciousness had a lot to say, it seems.
Tangerine, Tangerine
Poe Dameron x GN!Reader Rating: M Masterlist | ao3 | want to be tagged?
Warnings: angst (but with a happy ending), thoughts that a partner is cheating, blood, x-wing fight, swearing (not star wars swearing, because even though Kriff is great, I need to say fuck), Moonbeam as a nickname, typos, rail road sentences, please let me know if Iâve missed a warning!
Word Count:Â 4494
_______________________________________
It was just a kiss. It was just a kiss. It was just a kiss.Â
Youâd misunderstood, youâd read the situation wrong, youâd seen incorrectly. It was just a kiss. It was just a kiss. It was just a kiss.Â
Your radio crackled, âGreen Leader, checking in. Weâre manoeuvring in 5. Call out.â
âGreen Two check.â
âGreen Three check.âÂ
 It was just a kiss.Â
âGreen Four check.âÂ
 It was just a-
âGreen Five check.âÂ
Just a-
âGreen Six check.âÂ
Just-
âGreen Seven,â you swallow. âCheck.âÂ
It wasnât just a kiss.Â
You patted your helmet twice and rolled your neck, breathing deeply as you settled in. On your left, you could see some of Blue Squadron.Â
This mission was straightforward - on a holopad.Â
Two teams to escort The Harbringer, the resistance supply ship. It had been damaged by a rogue blast from a tie fighter just as it jumped to hyperspace and had had to make an emergency landing on one of TreâRalâs desert moons.Â
The crew on board had managed to fix all they could. But without proper materials, there was little chance of the ship making it out of the moonâs thick atmosphere and entering hyperspace. So Blue and Green Squadrons had been dispatched. Blue 1-4 had already made contact, jump-starting The Harbringer enough to get it airborne.Â
Due to TreâRalâs sun and planet density, the gravity on the moons was a little stronger than most worldâs atmospheric pressure.Â
Green Leader, Sena, had repeated through briefing at how this would affect flying. How to be ready for it. And she hadnât been wrong, it was different flying here. Tougher. And you loved it.
Youâd grown up on Para, a planet with a high gravity density. Youâd learnt to fly there well before youâd flown in space. Being here on this desolate moon almost felt like home. Your movements seemed smoother, precise. No longer needing to overcorrect for your naturally ingrained harsh movements. No longer spinning out and fighting low gravity, finally working with the tide.Â
The manoeuvre would see the ships escort The Harbringer out of the moonâs atmosphere and then the rest of Blue squadron would form a sort of 3D star formation around the cargo ship. All jumping to hyperspace at the same time to carry it along with them.Â
Simple.Â
In theory.Â
Everyone had spoken about how practically textbook it was, how easy.Â
But then, of course, why was Green Squadron going?Â
No one at the briefing had asked, why would they when the answer was so obvious. This part of the quadrant was teething with First Order. With a slow, busted supply ship you were all practically screaming for them to come and play target practice.Â
You swallow.Â
You should be focusing on that, on the mission. Instead of the utter nonsense that was ricocheting around your head and piercing your heart.Â
I hadnât just been a kiss.Â
You and Poe had gotten together clumsily, three months ago, your normal awkwardness drowned out by so much Polanis Red that you almost couldnât see straight. It had been after the battle of Hurthwen, a nasty dogfight that had everyone hyped up on adrenaline.Â
He had been drunk when he kissed you, you remembered that.Â
Maybe he had thought⌠maybe he had believed he was kissing her instead.Â
It made a lot more sense.Â
Sena was the Green Leader, she was a great pilot. One to be reckoned with. She was kind, she was fun, she was beautiful. She and Poe had joined the resistance together, risen the ranks together. Basically inseparable. Always laughing and joking. She had been in the same squad as Poe, under his command before she was promoted to leading one of her own.Â
They had always been close. Always. Best friends.Â
Sickness bubbled in your throat.Â
You remembered Frizz and Hank talking offhandedly, well before you and Poe were a thing. Both of them sure that Sana and Poe were dating or âknocking bootsâ as Frizz had so elegantly put it.Â
âTwo people can just be friends, you know.â Youâd said, trying to hide your little crush on the commander.Â
âYeah,â Frizz laughed, âBut not them. You seen them together?âÂ
Hank chortled.Â
Nonsense. Youâd brushed it off then. Allowed it to creep into your thoughts when it was dark and the base was quiet. When Poeâs breathing was soft and light behind you, his arm around your waist.Â
Him and Sana just made a lot more sense than him and you.Â
âYeah, but not them. You seen them together?âÂ
Yeah. Now you had.Â
The Harbringer came into view over the horizon. The seemingly endless stretch of desert was cut through in the distance by a fearsome outcrop of crocks, leading up into a field of formidable mountains.Â
Blue 1-4 were already hooked up to the cargo ship, all five hoovering moving together as they flew towards you to meet.Â
You wouldnât have said things were difficult with you and Poe. Well, you wouldnât have said that before. It was complicated for everyone on the base, most staff were on different call schedules, off-world or on a mission at all times. Having a relationship wasnât straightforward. There were stretches where you wouldnât even be on the same planet for days, butâŚ
But you had thought it wasâŚ
It didnât matter.Â
Youâd gone back to the briefing room, just before take off. Youâd wanted to tap the main holoscreen twice, for luck. A little ritual youâd adopted early on. Most pilots were a superstitious bunch.Â
Thatâs when youâd seen them. Sana and Poe. Locked in a tight embrace, their lips pressed together in a deep kiss.Â
Your heartbeat had thundered so loud youâd been surprised they hadnât heard it. But theyâd been too preoccupied to notice your presence.Â
It was cliche but time had almost slowed, calmed and stretched like the moment you take aim, the second before you fired your ship's canons.Â
A flash of the control panel had flickered into your mind when you saw them, your fingers twitching as if you had the trigger in your hands.Â
Youâd turned and left without a sound. Without a word. Without letting them know you saw. Leaving them to⌠whatever they did next.Â
Was it their first kiss? One of many? Had this been going on well before Poe had taken your hand and led you outside so he could clumsily name all the constellations, making up new ones and backstories to make you smile?
âThat one here, you see it?âÂ
âYeah?âÂ
âThat oneâs the best one, best in the sky. Itâs orange and itâs right next to that other orange one, like theyâre holding hands.â
Youâd laughed.Â
âThatâs me and you Moonbeam.âÂ
Moonbeam. That stupid nickname.Â
Youâd gone to your room quickly, the one that you and Poe shared, and taken off the necklace heâd given you.Â
âI want you to wear it for luck, Moonbeam.âÂ
That stupid smile heâd given you as heâd slipped it from his own neck and onto yours. That stupid kiss heâd given you after. Youâd thought that expression was cute when youâd seen it, pure. Now it just seemed like heâd been laughing at you, playing some sick joke. âHow long can I string someone along?â, âhow far can I go before they realise itâs all pretend?âÂ
Youâd left the necklace with the ring slipped through on the small set of shelves in the corner, the one Poe normally kept his holopad on.Â
It was idiotic, but your neck felt⌠empty without it. Cold. Every now and then you touched at where the chain normally lay.A subconscious action only brought to the forefront of your mind by the sensation of your own skin instead of metal.Â
Something caught your eye in the distance, a flash of sunlight glinting off the horizon. Dread twisted in your stomach as realisation dawned a second earlier than your scanners. The extra gravitational pressure and high quantity of magnetic metals in the sand affected everyoneâs ship computers, causing a brief information delay.Â
Your alarm sounded out inside your ship, the radar blinking into life as tie fighters approached from the rock outcrop. Theyâd used the high mineral concentration to hide their energy signatures.Â
âFuck.âÂ
The radio screamed into life, orders out pouring over orders. Blue squadron rushed into position while Green scrambled.Â
âBlue in place now!â
âItâs gonna be rushed, but we havenât got a choice!â
âNo time!â
âIncoming!â
âGreen half split! Evens left, odds right, letâs keep those fighterâs off The Harbringer and Blue squadron! Gamma pattern!âÂ
âHow far away is the Delta?âÂ
âCalling in attack pattern!âÂ
You swing to the right, falling in with Hank and Petal and bank hard, it takes less than a second for you to notice that your squad's movements arenât as precise and well-timed as usual. The stronger gravity throwing everyone, except you, off their game.Â
That didnât bode well.Â
You climb for a second, punching hard on the acceleration to get some height and a clear view of the oncoming and flick on your targeting system. The image glitches, doesnât hold steady even as you focus. Off by half a fraction.Â
Shots fire out from both sides, most missing.
âTargeting not working!â
âItâs out!â
âI canât get a clear shot!â
âThe read is malfunctioning!â
âHalf a click 4/8!â You shout, as you take your shot, hitting two tie fighters head-on.Â
âGood shot Green 7!â You can hear the joy and relief in Sanaâs voice. âHalf a click 4/8, youâll all have to manually adjust!âÂ
You dive, swirling around two fighters before skimming close to the ground, trying to draw their attention away from the cargo ship. You spin, slamming your control harder than you would need to in any other situation as you turn and spike past another fighter, taking out one in the process.Â
âWooooo!â Hank yells over the intercom.
You laugh. âBet you never thought you wished you grew up on Para right?âÂ
âEvery day new things surprise me.â He banks left, you right, Petal dives down.Â
Itâs too much of a rush, everything all at once, patterns and shots flying, your shipâs systems screaming as you push the engines a little too hard.Â
The tie fighters arenât moving as fast as they normally do, bogged down even more than the x wings by the gravity. They canât make their normal quick turns and itâs affecting their strike patterns.Â
Good.Â
But thereâs so, so many of them.Â
Explosions fly debris out, and you climb higher. Needing a clear view and unable to rely on your targeting systems.Â
More shots fly out, The Harbringer is taking a battering but so far its shielding is holding the hull together.Â
The radio keeps screaming, overlapping voices that blur into background noise. Youâre trained to only hear your call signal, direct messages. You vear off, narrowingly missing a blast to your wing.Â
â-On my tail.â Frizzâs voice cuts through the noise, a sharp stab of dread slicing you open as you turn, automatically looking to the reader, itâs still not clear.Â
You climb, twist, fall, see a Green ship, followed tightly by two fighters. Accelsorate, bank. You fire. Youâre aiming in a panic now, not adjusting right, not breathing through.Â
The shot hits one, before you have to swerve to avoid being struck head-on.Â
âThanks 7!â Cril yells over the speaker, managing to shake the other fighter.Â
Thereâs a scream, a crackle of sound over the system. A sound you know too well. You see the ship crash into the desert, exploding before it even hits the ground as the a tie fighterâs shots hit home.Â
Frizz.
âNoâŚâÂ
âCheck!â Sana yells, unable to tell who went down with the system glitching. âGreen Leader!â
You swerve around another fighter, everything moving so fast, too fast.
âGreen Two check!â Cril.
âGreen Three check!â Petal.Â
Nothing.Â
âGreen Four!â Sana yells. No call replies. Balna. Not Frizz.Â
The momentary rush of relief at Frizz being alive is cut horribly short by the image of Balnaâs kind face that bursts behind your eyes.Â
You bank left, right, swerve, take aim, twist.Â
Thereâs a chance, a good chance that youâll win. All of Blue is in place, The Harbringer is moving up with them. The tie fighters are taking more hits than the resistance, their less aerodynamic design hampering them more than usual with this gravity.Â
All you need isâŚ
Another alarm.Â
âOh⌠fuck.â You slam on your intercom. âZ-Fighter!âÂ
A chorus of yells answer you.Â
A Z-fighter, a quick moving ship a fraction bigger than The Harbringer, with two powerful front guns. A few shots would take the cargo ship out completely.Â
And with how slow the supply ship was moving, that wouldnât be hard.Â
The Z-fighter storms in, moving fast but not firing, they were obviously having problems with their targeting too, needing a close clear shot.Â
âTake out the main cannons!â Sana yells, the panic in her voice cutting through the chaos. You turn, aim, take out a tie fighter but have to veer up at the last second. Twist.Â
Someone comes in after you, aiming for the cannons, a fighter clips their side and they canât correct quick enough. They spiral off, their ship crashing into the Z-fighter. Obliterated on impact. The Z-fighter seemingly unaffected.Â
You loop back, adrenaline blinding you to everything, anything thatâs not the goal. Take out the canons. Take out the canons. People are counting on you. Take out the canons.Â
You fire, a clear shot before you bank to the side to avoid a direct hit to your hull.Â
Itâs not enough.
You need to pass again, and again. Other x wings flying in, taking shots, the gravity making them slow, imprecise. Only one blast hits and itâs not full on.Youâre the only one hitting directly and itâs not enough.Â
Itâs not enough. Itâs not enough. Itâs not enough.
Thereâs shouting and screaming, the zipping of the fighters as they cut through the sky. Someone yells your name and you donât hear it.Â
Another hit lands. One canon out. Only one left. You can do this. The Harbringer is nearly in the upper atmosphere, they can jump from there. Just a few more seconds. You can do this.
âBlack Leader!â Poeâs call sign cuts over the dim, followed by the call signs of half of the Red Squadron.
They must have scrambled after first contact.Â
The canonâs powering up, a quick glance to your panel tells you that The Harbringerâs shield is barely functioning. They wonât survive a direct hit. With how close they are and the Blue Squadron ships that are attached thereâs no way they wouldnât be pulled down too if The Harbringer fell.Â
The canon needs more than one hit to take it down, more than five. No way you can shoot five times before they fire.Â
You twist, full force. Pumping the acceleration. Fire. Fire. Fire. Three hit. You donât slow down. Fire. Fire. Fire. They hit. The canon is still operational.Â
Sana is screaming orders, so many shots fire at the canon, none of them hit right, hit full on.Â
Two chances left.Â
One to fire. If it takes out the canon you just have enough time to serve up, to avoid getting smashed to bits.Â
Poe shouts for you over the intercom.Â
You donât answer.
One to fire. If it doesnât take out the canon then⌠then you crashing into it head on will.Â
Poe yells again, this time cutting over everyone else, sending you a direct call.Â
You donât answer.
You fire. Hit.Â
Poe screams for you, his voice painful and panicked. Heâs already worked out your plan before you had even thought of it.Â
The canon doesnât go down.Â
You cut the call to him. Blocking out his signal. You donât want Poe to think you did this for him.Â
You donât want him to think you did this because of him.
âGreen Seven!â Sana yells, seemingly knowing what youâre going to do.Â
Hank screams your name over the radio. It hurts. You think itâs the worst sound youâve ever heard.Â
âMoonbeam!â Poeâs voice is ripped raw from yells, Sana has patched him through over her signal. You were wrong. That was the worst sound youâve ever heard.Â
You dip at the last second, not hitting the canon straight on but smashing your right wing into it. The force surprises you, even though you braced for it. The impact sending you spiralling. You try to regain control, try to turn into the spin. Training taking over even though you're a wing and half a ship down.Â
Shouts over the radio, you barely make out-Â
â-cannonâs down-â
â-Jump!-â
A spark hits, your console explodes into flame, shards hit your side and you yell. Sky and sand tumbling over each other over and over, and you manage to hit the eject button.
The force rips you upwards, free briefly from your burning ship. But youâre too close to the floor, not enough time to slow down your velocity. Thereâs-
.
The impact of the ground hurts. Pain explodes along every nerve despite the ejection seat dampening. You scream.Â
Agony is everywhere, everything. You canât feel anything else, canât comprehend anything except floods of pain.Â
You hit your belt, falling out and to the desert floor. Looking up just enough to gauge where you are, where your ship fell. Itâs an exploded, fireball mess far off. At least itâs not an immediate threat. You crawl to the side and sob.Â
Thereâs blood falling into the sand from your head, the right side of your face. You canât see properly out of your eye and your left leg is definitely broken. Shattered. Still, you drag yourself forward, digging your hands in and pulling as something ribs and tears in your side, warm liquid soaking into your fight suit.Â
The resistance will jump to hyperspace, theyâll get out. Theyâll make it.Â
You just needed to get away from your ejection seat, when the First Order doubles back theyâll see it, theyâll see you. You just needed to get to an outcrop. Hide.Â
Make it look like you had a weapon.Â
Make them shoot you first instead of taking you for questioning.Â
Canât let them take you alive.Â
There's the faint sound of a ship somewhere above, landing gear coming down.Â
For a second you freeze, panic gripping your heart, you dig into the sand hard, pull, pull, pull yourself closer towards the outcrop of rocks. The air seems to be leaving your lungs, your breathing ragged and hot.Â
You cough, red hitting the dirt, iron hitting your tongue.Â
You crawl, pull. The pain is making you light-headed. You gasp, trying to get in a full lung full of air. It's not enough. It's not enough. It's not enouâŚ
.
When you open your eyes your first thoughts are simple. Clear.Â
I'm dead.
You were either shot in the head in the sand or simply succumbed to your wounds.Â
But then things begin to feel⌠fuzzy. Not painful, but not right either.
And that's when you smell the Bacta. And then the light starts to change to distorted shapes, and finally, you recognise Hank sitting next to you.
âYou better not be dead too,â you whisper your voice dry from lack of use.Â
Hank jumps up, goes to grab your hand and then stops himself. There are tears in his eyes. He softly places his fingers on yours and you squeeze back.Â
âYou're a fucking idiot you know that?â He grins and you laugh. Which hurts a little, but feels good.Â
âOne sec,â he moves away just to speak to someone outside before he comes back. âI'm the one that picked you up, you know?âÂ
âNow who's the fucking idiot?â You smile but your chest aches, heavy with the weight of his words. âYou shouldn't have done that.â You whisper.Â
âWhat?â
âYou were under fire, you should have just jumped-âÂ
âI saw you eject. Saw you moving. You think I was just gonna leave you there?â He sits. âBesides, I was closest. The commander would have blown up the whole planet to get to you.âÂ
You swallow, turning away slightly. Going cold at the mention of Poe.Â
Hank mistakes the look for guilt, and squeezes your hand again. âHey, look,â he smiles, âyou took out the canons, you're a fucking idiot but you know how to fly in heavy gravity.âÂ
You snort.Â
He smiles.Â
âWho did we lose?âÂ
Hank sighs, âthreeâŚâ
You nod, closing your eyes for a moment.Â
âThere-â
There was shouting from outside, a crash and then Poe stormed into the room, med staff close behind him.
You swallow, sickness building in your throat.
He looked awful, drawn out and worn thin like he hadn't slept or eaten in days. His eyes red.Â
He rushes forward, Hank moves out of the way, so Poe can take your hand in his. He leans forward and kisses you softly, carefully stroking your cheek, being gentle with your bandages.Â
âMoonbeamâŚâ he mutters and you flinch back from him. He looks at you with sad, confused eyes.Â
âLook, I can only allow one visitor in here.â The med staff member says.
Hank stands, and speaks when you frown. âI'll see you later, Poeâs the one that hasn't left your side. The only reason he wasn't here when you woke was because I made him go take a shower.â Hank smiled, âyou can thank me for that later.âÂ
Both you and Poe are quiet as the others leave. Poe searching your face for something, while you look away.Â
âMoonbeam,â he says again softly, but there's an edge to his words that you're not used to. âWhat the fuck happened on that mission? What the fuck is this?â He holds up his hand, his necklace and ring wrapped around his palm. His eyes are shiny as he speaks. âWere you trying to kill yourself? What the fu-â
âPoe,â you breathe. Best to get it over quickly. âI saw.â
He frowns. âSaw? Saw what?âÂ
âYou and Sana, in the briefing room⌠before take off.âÂ
The small frown on his forehead relaxes slightly for a moment as his eyebrows raise. âYou⌠saw?âÂ
You nod.Â
âYou, but, I didnât see you when I pushed her away?â His voice cracks at the end, a splinter running into the muscle of your heart.Â
âYou pushed her away?âÂ
âYou didnât see that?â He frowns again, blinking hard, âyou just, just saw and walked away and what? Took this off?â He holds up the necklace again. A tear falls from his eye and he rubs it away furiously as if it had scorched his skin. âJust, just left it and⌠andâŚâÂ
âI didnât know you didnât want itâŚâ You say quietly, emotion is making your chest tight and constricted. âI didnât know you didnât want herâŚâ
âWhat?â He breathes, moving closer and squeezing your hand. Thereâs disbelief in his voice, confusion. Anger, itâs deep down and controlled but itâs there. âNo, look, she kissed me. I pushed her away, I, I even logged a report, Iâll pull up the god damned camera feed to show you.âÂ
Heâs not lying. His gaze is unwavering and heâs got that painfully earnest look in his eyes.Â
âYou thoughtâŚâ he shakes his head slightly, his voice pained, âyou thought Iâd-â
âYou both make sense together.â You blurt out. âSheâs⌠and youâreâŚâ you shrug and sigh, on the verge of tears yourself. âYouâre both the best of us.â
âNo,â he shakes his head fiercely, âMoonbeam, no.â He wipes roughly at his eyes again, glancing down for a moment and you lightly touch his head.Â
He looks up instantly as you stroke his curls, still lightly damp.Â
âIâm sorry.â You whisper.
Poe shakes his head again, grabbing your hand and kissing your wrist. âIâm sorry.â He kicks off his shoes and clambers into bed next to you a little awkwardly. Heâs trying to be careful, trying not to hurt you but needing closeness so badly itâs suffocating.Â
You scooch to the side as quickly as you can in your current state and lean into him as he wraps his body around you softly and kisses you sweetly.Â
âLove you, love you, love you,â he repeats after every kiss, pressing his lips to every part of your skin that he can reach.
âWhy are you sorry?â You mutter as he holds you, âIâm the one that messed up.â
He shakes his head, âIâm sorry that I donât make you realise how special you are, how perfect.â He kisses your cheek, âyouâre the best of us Moonbeam.âÂ
You tut but his grip tightens and he holds you tight.Â
âAnd one hell of a pilot.â He grins.Â
You scoff.Â
âYou are.â He kisses you again.Â
You nuzzle against him, settling into his touch. Knots have formed in your chest, pain thatâs loosening. His warmth is comforting. Home.Â
âSana said she didnât know I was in a relationship,â he says softly, resting his chin on the top of your head. âI donât know if thatâs true, but⌠I do believe her.âÂ
You nod. âSheâs a good person.â
He moves so he can look you in the eyes. âPlease, Moonbeam, I⌠donât,â he bites his tongue, closing his eyes for a long second. âI want to tell you, I want to say, donât ever do something like that again⌠donât⌠donât put yourself at risk.âÂ
You touch his cheek lightly.Â
âBut itâs not fair is it?â He smiles sadly. âWe both do that every day⌠You know you were gonna be in my squadron at first?âÂ
You shake your head in surprise and he nods.
âYou were, but⌠well,â he blushes ever so slightly. âI was so embarrassingly head over heels in love with you,â he laughs lightly. âFor months I could hardly talk to you, you know I had to down five Polanis Redâs in a row after Hurthwen just so I could ask you out? I knew I wouldnât be able to function right if you were in my squad. I knew that Iâd put everyone else at risk because if it came down to it⌠if there was a choice between everyone in the squad dying, everyone on the base, or you⌠Iâd let the resistance burn instead of lose you. Every single time.âÂ
You close your eyes, fighting the emotion that needs to break through and squeeze his hand like a lifeline. âI love you.â You whisper.Â
Your fingertips brush against the necklace, the ring hooking around the first knuckle of your index finger by chance.Â
Poe slowly moves his hand from yours and unwinds the necklace from his palm before carefully placing it over your head, giving you plenty of time to move away if you wanted.Â
âI love you Moonbeam,â he mutters, his voice low, reverent. Then leans in to kiss you. You kiss him back with all your heart.Â
____________________________________
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