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emperorbirbman · 4 years
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Gotta love how Azir becomes emperor and is like ‘alright everyone no more slavery and war crimes, that’s bad, time to entirely reconfigure Shurimian society to make it freer and better for everyone’ 
And the sun disk is all ‘you know bro, I don’t think that makes you noble enough for ascension’ 
a thousand years later he saves one woman’s life and the sun disk is all ‘hey that was really noble! here have godhood’ 
You know, i’m starting to think trusting the giant metal disk to be our arbiter of morality was a bad idea
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emperorbirbman · 4 years
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almost-dragonborn‌
“I, um-” Shyvana slowly tilts her head. “I…did not come here to be wed. I am, um, on a journey to see all of Runeterra, and I’ve yet to come to Shurima and…and why does it matter anyway? I think that is the important question.”
“Well, strange lizard barbarian, it occurs to me that you might wish to marry someone like you, someone who is also partially lizard. Someone who understands what it’s like. There are, of course, very few such people. Thus, you’re alike! And similarities are important when it comes to marriages.” 
“Also, the fact that you want to see all of Runeterra is a good thing, it means you’ll be able to drag him far away from here.” 
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emperorbirbman · 4 years
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Okay but
Pirate Azir
maybe Ghost pirate Azir
oh! 
Sand Pirate Azir.
Rides his giant sand skiff across the dunes! 
In reality it’s a bunch of sand soldiers carrying the damn thing. 
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emperorbirbman · 4 years
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Azir: *sees a lizard or reptilian person*
Azir: YOU’RE PERFECT! YOU SHALL MARRY RENEKTON! 
Nasus: Shouldn’t you tell or ask Renekton first?
Azir: Silly Nasus you know Renekton would say no if we did that. At the very least, if whoever we bring him can kick his ass in a wedding dress, then he’ll probably fall in love. People like him only respect strength. 
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emperorbirbman · 4 years
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rayamash 
“… Who ARE you?”  — Neeko tilted her head to the side, utterly confused by the strange, golden creature in front of her. A lot of things left her puzzled, but it was rare for her not to like someone by the first few words she spoke to them. He wasn’t the first to try and make her a pet of sorts, but clearly, she wasn’t having it.  — “You don’t KNOW Neeko is not royalty! Just because Neeko can’t speak your weird little language ‘right’ doesn’t mean I’m pet! My tribe didn’t even NEED to speak like you little sand people!”  
Crossing her arms over her chest, she glared at the other, only turning to properly slap the sand soldiers away with her tail.  — “Neeko doesn’t eat people, but if you try to chain me, I will make an exception.” 
“Well, if you’re royalty, then where is your entourage? Where is your regal bearing? Why have you not professed your regal heritage and country of origin?” Good questions, though probably not the ones that would make things any clearer. 
“As for speaking, Shurima once ruled all tribes across this known world. We spread our language far and wide and educated the populaces we found. Thus, your lack of depth of speaking would make you a barbarian, wouldn’t it?” Obviously. 
“In any case, I don’t recommend eating the sand soldiers. Eating sand probably wouldn’t be good. That said, if you’re not a pet, then that means you’re a possible wife for Renekton.” A pause. “Wait, that’s perfect! You’re also a lizard! Great, I’ll make the arrangements right away.” 
Suddenly, the sand soldiers were starting to appear more frequently, this time with brushes and measuring tapes and nail files and all kinds of things. A chair with a hole for her tail was pushed in behind her, as the sand soldiers began to try and give her a manicure and pedicure and brush her hair and figure out her measurements so they could get around to making her clothes for the obvious wedding that was totally going to happen now. 
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emperorbirbman · 4 years
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a-wild-yuumi-appeared 
“Hey! Hey! I’m down here! HEY!!” Yuumi tries very hard to get his attention, rubbing her paws on his leg as he speaks to Book, and as she goes unnoticed… she collapses on the ground, tongue flopping out dramatically, hoping that will get her noticed.
Emperor Azir. It has been a very long time since I last saw you, when you were mortal. I doubt you remember me.
I will say this much–Yuumi is not my servant. She is more like a child I must watch over and protect, but she is a very powerful being. I request, my lord, that you treat her with respect.
Yuumi is still searching for her mother, and my former Master, a very powerful Yordle Sorceress under the name of Norra. However, if I am correct, she has died. Yuumi is too immature to understand it, so I am to accompany her until she grows the capability to understand that Norra is not coming back.
Just play with her a little, or at least humor her existence. She will throw little fits like this if she goes unnoticed. Nothing dangerous but it’s easier to just tell her she’s doing a good job and let her go on her way.
“I do remember you, though not as a book.” That was true. Books didn’t usually talk. “But I’m not sure you’re correct on that estimation, book, given I stand here today and I was not alive for centuries. Those with powerful wills tend to live on. Which, may mean that you are in fact them. But, that is neither here nor there. I think the cat is correct; no doubt they are out there still.” 
That done, he turned to the cat. Sand soldiers materialized from the ground, picking her up as it did so. 
“Alright then, Yuumi the cat, I shall aim to entertain you, given you are related to me in a number of ways. A question first though. What exactly does a magical cat eat?” 
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emperorbirbman · 4 years
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sparrowofthesands 
“Well, really it’s not so bad in most places, so long as you-” And then sand soldiers, sand soldiers everywhere. This is why she hated the capital. The sand soldiers! They got into everything! Well, that and the fears of slavery, the memories of the stone, the high prices, crowded streets, glare from the Sun Disk…
There was every possibility that she could have just… slammed the soldiers with pillars from beneath, but somehow that seemed like a poor choice at the current moment. That didn’t mean she wasn’t going to drag her heels and resist being pulled away, though. “I am an adult, thank you! I am more than capable of taking care of myself, and I protest this treatment!”
“Your protest is noted. However, you are obviously not a full adult, and thus it falls to me to be your caretaker.” Oh yes, the sand soldiers were going to drag her off to make sure she got a bath and got good clothing and probably a manipedi too, and only then would she be dragged back for food and discussion with a divine bird man who ruled over all the sand. 
In the meantime, at least she was being well cared for. As opposed to what she probably saw in the stone, which likely included being made into a slave or sacrifice or something. That would be bad. But that didn’t seem to be the case! Yet! 
So, perhaps when she was deposited back on soft cushions and blankets in front of a banquet of Shuriman foods, it was clear that she was either being welcomed as a noble guest, or being fattened up to be fed to Renekton. Either or, really. 
“So, I trust the soldiers treated you correctly?” 
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emperorbirbman · 4 years
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me: this is a crack blog
@shurima-demigod : buckle up bitch we’re going headfirst into serious business and angst talk
me: I was not prepared for this
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emperorbirbman · 4 years
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@book-of-knowledge
He’s dragging Thoth down the worm holes. He’d never met such a cowardly ascended before! Really, being afraid of the void worms that were sometimes the size of city walls. Really. They were just worms. 
And of course, he had a bag with him. What was in the bag was unknown, but he had it. And he was certainly glad Thoth was protesting; sound echoed down the massive tunnels, and that would attract the worms. 
Finally, when they were in front of a big one, Azir stopped. 
“Alright, now, we’re going to deal with this worm. And when I do it, you’re going to apologize to me for doubting me on this.” 
Probably a good thing, to cover before the worm showed up. Which, by the rumbling sound, it was about to. Indeed, in moments, a giant void creature, acid dripping from its maws, had appeared and reared it’s terrible head. Spawn of Reksai always sorta looked the same, but this was clearly not her. 
Still, Azir didn’t seem worried. Instead, he simply opened the bag, and took out...
A poro? 
Oh they were so dead. 
However, as soon as the void spawn saw the poro, it froze. It’s unblinking eyes focused entirely on the happy puffball, watching it pant and chitter and wiggle it’s adorable heart shaped paws. 
The, the giant worm let out an abject scream of terror, and turned and fled from them like the gods themselves were on its heels. 
The poro, unsurprisingly, didn’t seem to understand why their new friend ran away so quickly! 
“There, see? Void creatures hate these puffballs. They’re terrified of them. And if they touch them, their flesh burns like you dropped burning tar onto them. One of these will scare them off. But there’s more; their wool in clothing burns them just as much and wards off void taint.” 
“So when I told you to take a poro and come down here, I was not sending you on a suicide mission. I meant what I said Thoth, I wanted you to take the time to catalog the things that are down here. Not only are you entirely safe with one of these things with you, you’d ward them out of Shurima while you did it.” 
“Now. Can you please do the job I asked of you? I think I’ve proved well enough that I thought this through.”
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emperorbirbman · 4 years
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venomlacedmanipulation 
Her eye twitched at the subtle threat of being left out as a literal snack, mouth left open when she was called a political hostage. She was angry, but her anger didn’t manifest in rage and tossing of objects. Her anger let itself known by snootiness and somewhat defiance.
“Oh no. No no, that just won’t do! You said your self, I am family now, and family does not imprison each other. Use each other, perhaps, but does not take each other hostage. No, you see, my skills are far more useful as a spy! A networker of sorts.” Cassiopeia countered, lounging her human half back in her comfortable piles of cloths and pillows.
“The current Grand General is a fool. Once an aristocrat like my self, but turned his back on nobility and royalty when he took the title he now holds. He would have no respect for you if you simply displayed yourself as an emperor, the barbarian. You must show you are a tactician as well. Something I can help with too.” She said, her serpentine tongue flicking out with a smile. “You must understand; Swain does not see you as his equal. He sees himself as better than you. You must show him he’s wrong by squandering his control.”
“They don’t? I am fairly certain they do. They also execute each other, when required. After all, you might be family now, but you have no deep ties to Shurima. You are still a barbarian in your heart, and thus cannot be trusted.” Because obviously all barbarians were untrustworthy, and all people not from Shurima were barbarians. 
“As such, it is good that you bring up spying, for you may be a spy for them. A double agent, if you will. It also helps that the ascension process reveals who we truly are on the inside, and it appears that you are a snake. Assuming of course, that you truly ascended, which we’ll have to determine separately.” And man, if she failed, she was going to have a whole host of problems. Then again, she might be able to convince Emperor Bird head that she was. Faking it might be possible.
“In any case, I would never expect that a barbarian would understand the nobility of Shurima. In the past, I was well acquainted with forcibly conquering your fore-bearers; if I wished it I could raise the entirety of the sands to bury your home country and desiccate it’s people. But I am a kind and just emperor, and I’m not interested in crushing such a weaker nation at present. It simply wouldn’t be right to do so.” 
“Thus, your use to me is as a hostage. Specifically, one to extract things from him. Of course, from how you speak of him, he’s more likely to tell me to keep you than anything else. If I were to guess, you are not particularly popular back home, and your barbaric people would consider your life an understanding sacrifice to prevent any loss of honor, am I correct?” 
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emperorbirbman · 4 years
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on-cerulean-wings 
An other moment of somewhat shocked silence, Quinn clearly couldn’t believe what she was hearing. And here she thought the nobility of Demacia was bad.
“Actually, yeah, something like that.” The ranger said, placing the dog bowl of water she was given back on the floor. She wasn’t used to being degraded so openly and in such a way. Valor chittered and squawked to Quinn, tilting his head at her. “It’s fine, Val.” Quinn responded, giving him a thumbs up.
“So I guess the first thing I should explain is that Valor and I are partners. Equals. Soldiers fighting side by side. As is the case of the Ranger’s of Demacia, we fight along side our animal compatriots.”
“I see. So you are not the servant. How curious. Well, we shall have to fix things appropriately.” Immediately, sand soldiers formed, and began physically moving her and Valor around, as well as furniture and the like. When the two of them were placed down, they were now on much more comfortable cushions, and seemingly equal in sitting height. Equality was important after all. 
“Now that we’ve done that, you can tell me about this Demacia place, and it’s barbarian practices. I take it you’re not an assassin, despite claiming you’re a soldier. You certainly don’t look the part of one. You seem more like a scout.” 
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emperorbirbman · 4 years
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thecrystalchoreographer 
“Oh I enjoy cooking very much! Many times I have made things for people in the palace.” That was unexpected, she thought. But it was hardly an issue, as she was confident enough in her culinary abilities. Perhaps the ascended interviewer would be partial to some of her cookies later.
“Eh… royal lineage?” She thought for a moment. “None, I think. I am a froidatuer of the north… a frost gypsy? My lineage is very very old, but I have never been royalty. Achara has simply stolen my heart… I wish to spend my life with her. Our engagement is what has brought me to stay here! And I am enjoying it oh so very much!” She smiled sincerely, waiting for Azir’s reply.
“What people?” That confused him. Shurima’s capital was empty, mostly because it had been buried under tons of sand until recently. Had they established some other capital that he didn’t know about somewhere? “I am still uncertain where your betrothed claims her birthright comes from; so at the moment, I suppose you being a barbarian and a commoner matters less.” 
Not that he had ever had issues with commoners, given the many, many kids he’d fathered back in the day. 
“I am surprised you enjoy spending time in a barren, half buried necropolis, but to each their own. I’m hoping that situation changes in time. If I may say so, you appear quite eager to marry in... are you certain you’re not trying to do so for wealth or power?” 
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emperorbirbman · 4 years
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villainxsm 
❖ ━ Oh joy, of all people the Master of Evil could’ve come across in an already unbearably hot desert, it HAD to be a talking bird. Great…
❝ First of all, I am NORMAL sized. Secondly, why don’t you just do it yourself if you’re the self-proclaimed “ most magical one in your empire ” ? Hmm ? ❞ he raised a brow, crossing his arms. ❝ Besides, I never do things for free, bird brain ! If you want me to exterminate an arcane-empowered bug, you’re gonna need to give me a good and convincing offer first. Do you have PayPal by any chance ?  ❞
“Perhaps you are for your kind, barbarian, but you’re smaller than me. In any case, the reason I don’t do it myself is because Emperors don’t do the busy work themselves. As for you, there’s a clear and obvious reason why you should do this, because if you don’t, he’ll come to destroy you and drain your magical powers from you to make him stronger. Also, you can keep whatever he has, since we don’t really require it.” 
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emperorbirbman · 4 years
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thecrystalchoreographer 
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Kolkai adjusted her tie. This would be a challenging, but honest interview, she thought. “Oh yes! I am quite satisfied with poro relations lately! I find they are very accommodating and our work relationship has never been more productive! My taste for people is… underdeveloped. I prefer to cook with beef, fish or poul-” she stopped herself, glancing up at the ascended. “…pork.”
“Hm. So you can cook. And don’t worry about cooking birds; I’m a bird only through divine ascension.” Still, not eating people. That’s one point to the cultured column! A good start. And she has good relationships with the poros. So another point! And she comes recommended by the poros. So another point. This really was starting off well for her. 
“I will certainly have you cook then, to see your skills. In any case, what is your reason for wanting to marry into Shuriman royalty? What is your royal lineage? How many generations does it go back?” 
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emperorbirbman · 4 years
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@thecrystalchoreographer
“So you are the one that’s apparently marrying in Nasus’ daughter who is somehow also my descendant. I’ve been told you get along with the poros, and also you seem to want to distribute money. These aren’t bad ideas, at the moment Shurima’s population is more poro and void worm than human.” 
“So, before I marry you off, we need to assess your suitability. First question barbarian, what is your opinion on eating people?” Obviously all barbarians were cannibals, that was just common knowledge. 
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emperorbirbman · 4 years
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shurima-demigod :
emperorbirbman :
@shurima-demigod @heascended @thesandqrator
“Oh shit the Nasus’ are multiplying!” Soon there would be even more of them no doubt! Clearly, he should make them all fight to the death until there was only one! 
Or, maybe he could give one to Renekton, and then he’d not be so angry because he got to kill Nasus and also still had a brother? Yes, this was a great plan. 
“We are starting a union.”
“Good! You can negotiate with my minister of the economy, Mr. Poro:”
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“As you can see, he’s a very successful business poro, given he has a mustache and a monocle and a top hat. Only business experts have those.” 
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emperorbirbman · 4 years
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@shurima-demigod @heascended @thesandqrator
“Oh shit the Nasus’ are multiplying!” Soon there would be even more of them no doubt! Clearly, he should make them all fight to the death until there was only one! 
Or, maybe he could give one to Renekton, and then he’d not be so angry because he got to kill Nasus and also still had a brother? Yes, this was a great plan. 
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