enoughlemons

[enoughlemons]

Capped Identity

Identity is a strange concept. It is obviously important but there are a lot of ways to define it. When I was a teenager, I used to think that identity has to do with a rational and rather materialistic concept of being; in that time I would have probably described myself as an overweight teenager who doesn't quite fit in but who is overall happy and has some talents. I had the plan of becoming a pretty good teacher and of getting married to a man who would magically possess the ability to interest me, both sexually and emotionally – it's a miracle I didn't also believe in the Easter bunny.

Some years later, I realized that that was a pretty distorted image of identity. Coming to terms with being gay was the first major shift because this questioned my earlier idea of identity and I felt as if my sanity had been challenged: how could I ever assume that I'm straight? I had felt completely ostracized without even knowing that that's what I felt. 

About at the same time I came out, I began therapy. Only then did I realize how many internal struggles I actually had and still have in every-day life. It's so much more than having had some messed-up experiences in my childhood and teens. It's also how I am perceived by the people I meet and how I see myself. I still feel very much like a misfit in this world but slowly – very slowly – I find out about certain sides of myself I hadn't previously seen or known.

Although this new way of seeing my identity has many aspects and is very much a process that has only begun, one apparently small thing has struck me as something very important: when I walk out of my apartment door, I want to look the way I feel. And because being gay is one big part of my identity that shapes my reality, I want to make it easy for people to guess that I'm gay. Sometimes, I chastise myself for that thought because I know that I just happen to conform to the most stereotypical image of a lesbian, and I don't want people to think that this is the only way to be gay: loud, proud and clichéd. However, I still want to really own that image because it has always been abused to make me and every other queer-identifying person smaller.

One item of clothing has helped me more than all the others to feel truly like myself when in public: the cap. I wear it backwards (although I believe that that is the actual front) and I love how much it empowers me. I feel more playful and certainly a lot gayer with it, and it makes me less anxious in public situations. To me, that's truly unbelievable because I always knew how bad anxiety can be, and that this little thing can alleviate the undermining background noise of anxiety is simply awesome. So sometimes I just put it on when I'm at home to hopefully find that specific type of feeling. It really doesn't work reliably, but when it does, it gives me an ease I so long for in my often anxiety disturbed mind.

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(Drawing by me)

#identity #queer #lgbtq #lesbian #gay #anxiety #style #drawing #sketch

[enoughlemons]

The fear of the blank page

What better way to start a blog than with this particular fear? Putting thoughts or inspirations into the world or onto paper can be scary. I notice this a lot when I draw or write stuff but I think it translates into so many different scenarios. How is it possible to fill an empty space? What is the beginning? How can I start a conversation about a difficult topic? Is this even worth trying?

The fear of failure or of not being perfect at something can keep you from doing things that could potentially be really great. The thing is, simply knowing that often doesn’t help at all. I’ve been told a million times to not be afraid or to pursue something that I'm good at. But very often I simply cannot get up and do it. This can happen in small ways where it is impossible for me to start writing something that no one will even read because it’s in my diary, or I can’t decide which book I want to read and even if I decided, I somehow loose the ability to physically open the first page. It can, however, also happen in major ways: my future is pretty much a blank page right now. I’ve had a plan for so many years and now I finally realized that this plan had been a frame for me to hold on to when things were rough. It was important to at least have a frame, but it isn’t enough to satisfy my ambitions and passions. So now, what do I do? I have not a single f-ing clue. And that scares me, a lot. 

Over the past few years, I learned some things that help me tackle the everyday-fears of beginning something new. They admittedly feel more like a vague attempt to fool myself but they sometimes work nevertheless. I know that everyone is very different with handling anxiety and worries, which is why this is not exactly intended as ‘advice’. I just want to give some perspective on what could be useful to think about:

A very simple thing, although it might not be so trivial to implement this at first, is to legitimize the fear in the first place. It is very normal and just human to get afraid. It doesn’t need to be a speech in front of a thousand people to be scary. The smallest things can be frightening and that is totally ok.

Sometimes, I convince myself that there is really nothing to lose. I notice that the question of “what’s the worst that could happen” is much more useful than all the what-ifs that might be blocking thoughts. Most of the time, what’s scaring me the most is that I don't even know what the worst could be in certain situations. So I try to find out and can maybe on the way there realize that I will even in the worst possible scenario still have my mind afterwards. If the worst happens, I can still react later. I don’t only have a single shot to get something right. I will go step by step, one small decision after another.

It can be a helpful perspective to think about already being in the middle of a process. Mostly, when I think something is a beginning, it actually isn’t. The ideas were probably already in my head, somewhere deep down. It wasn’t the beginning of a drawing when I have my pencil ready and an empty space before me; the beginning was the decision I made ten minutes ago: I'm gonna make myself some tea so it’s cozy when I sit down to draw something. It just happens to be the hardest part to begin the real thing and choose what it will be all about.

One last thing that helps me convince myself to make a leap and start something new: I use the strategy of just doing what feels right in the moment. Not everything has to be part of the bigger picture and I keep in mind that I can always just stop. If I’m getting anxious or annoyed, I can get up, jump around, I can sing to a song, I can make some coffee, I can throw myself into bed crying, or I can play my favorite video game. I can make a cake and eat it and the world will look a little better already.

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By the way, the pencil I drew was a gift from my mum from an exhibition she went to (sadly, I don't remember who the artist was). It pretty much sums up the whole problem, which is why I love it. 

#anxiety #creativity #fear of failure #drawing #sketch #pencil drawing #I don't know how tagging works