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esperwatchesfilms · a year ago
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The Strangers: Prey at Night (2018)
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ESE: 70/100
50 +5 for “Kids in America” +5 for Bailee Madison -10 for terrible script +5 for “hello” window +5 for Greensleeves +5 for “Total Eclipse of the Heart” +10 for the murder pool party +5 for the nod to Scream -10 for not double-checking if the guy was dead -5 for not checking AGAIN +5 for the nod to Texas Chainsaw Massacre
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esperwatchesfilms · a year ago
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Nanny McPhee (2006)
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ESE: 97/100
50 +10 for clever, but very, very, very naughty children +10 for Colin Firth +5 for Thomas Brodie-Sangster -5 for accidentally hurting Evangeline’s feelings +10 for Emma Thompson +5 for knowing their names +10 for Angela Lansbury -10 for Aunt Adelaide’s controlling bullshit +5 for Evangeline going along with Aunt Adelaide -10 for refusing to hear Simon out -10 for Mrs. Quickly being horrible +5 for the bees +10 for marrying Evangeline +5 for snow in August +5 for Nanny McPhee’s progressive glow-up +2 for cute credits
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esperwatchesfilms · a year ago
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The Secret of Moonacre (2008)
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ESE: 100/100
50 +5 for the pretty book +10 for Tim Curry +5 for black lion -5 for reckless buggy driving +5 for Ms. Heliotrope pushing off the bandit-looking dudes +5 for Ioan Gruffudd +5 for Wrolf +10 for a gorgeous bedroom +5 for Ms. Heliotrope’s burping -10 for Maria’s uncle being so cross +5 for Periwinkle +5 for the outfits the bandit-looking dudes wear +5 for Wrolf saving Maria from the bandit-looking dudes +5 for Serena the Moonacre Rabbit -10 for Maria’s uncle not answering simple questions +5 for the Alice in Wonderland vibes +5 for Mr. Scarlet +5 for “Coeur De Noir” being an awesome freakin’ name -10 for being shitty just because Loveday is a De Noir -10 for pride and stubbornness -10 for the bickering of Loveday and Sir Benjamin -10 for trapping Wrolf -10 for killing Wrolf +10 for Robin having a brain +10 for Maria’s bravery and sacrifice +10 for unicorn +5 because Wrolf’s okay after all! +5 for Ms. Heliotrope stopping Dulac
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house-ad · 2 months ago
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esperwatchesfilms · a year ago
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Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
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ESE: 153/100
50 +5 for Wyatt Oleff +5 for sticking up for “the little frog that ain’t done nothin’” +10 for Chris Pratt +5 for using the little rat creatures as a microphone +5 for Awesome Mix Vol. 1 +2 for troll doll -5 for forgetting there was a girl on his ship +3 for Garbage Pail Kids +10 for Michael Rooker +5 for Sean Gunn +10 for Lee Pace +10 for Karen Gillan +10 for Zoe Saldana +10 for Stan Lee +10 for Rocket and Groot -5 for kidnapping -5 for hacking Groot’s arms off +5 for John C. Reilly +5 for Glenn Close +5 for Drax -10 for not understanding figurative versus literal +5 for how charming taking everything literally ends up making Drax +5 for Groot just reaching up for the battery -10 for not listening to all of what Rocket said first +5 for “Knowwhere” +5 for “pelvic sorcery” -10 for calling Ronan +5 for “Cherry Bomb” +5 for Groot’s Hulk-like moment -10 for nearly killing Drax +10 for Groot hug -10 for Groot dying +5 for Awesome Mix Vol. 2 +5 for potted Groot dancing +3 for post-credit scene
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esperwatchesfilms · a year ago
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Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)
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ESE: 123/100
50 +10 for Chris Evans +5 for introduction to Falcon +10 for Scarlett Johannson +10 for Samuel L. Jackson +5 for the Captain America museum exhibit -10 for car accidents +5 for Nick Fury’s car telling him the AC is not damaged +5 for Bucky’s gulyiner -5 for attacking Captain America in an elevator +5 for the fight in the elevator +5 for Aaron the Apple Store guy +5 for Toby Jones -10 for shooting Renata +5 for Natasha being a smartie with the phone diversion +5 for Nick surviving +10 for Stan Lee +5 for the brave dude who won’t launch the ships -10 for threatening the brave dude who won’t bunch the ships +5 for Natasha’s disguise +10 for Bucky saving Captain America +3 for post-credit scene
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esperwatchesfilms · a year ago
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Iron Man 3 (2013)
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ESE: 138/100
50 +10 for Robert Downey Jr. +10 for Jon Favreau +5 for Guy Pearce +5 for Rebecca Hall -10 for Dummy’s DUNCE cap +5 for Jarvis +5 for Ben Kingsley -10 for anxiety attacks +5 for Happy being head of security -5 for being the badge police +10 for Killian’s glow-up +5 for Gwyneth Paltrow +5 for giant bunny -10 for anxiety making sleeping impossible and making showing appreciation of loved ones difficult -10 for dangerous panic problems -5 for Happy getting hurt in the ‘splosion +5 for Happy liking Downton Abbey -10 for sharing your address with a terrorist on television, putting your loved ones in danger +10 for protecting Pepper by putting the suit on her +10 for Ty Simpkins +5 for quick thinking +5 for the bully deterrent +10 for Stan Lee -10 for Maya working with Killian +5 for “the Mandarin” being an actor named Trevor -10 for Killian shooting Maya +5 for fire-breathing +5 for Harley getting the shed open +5 for Linden Ashby +10 for the suits being their backup +10 for Pepper surviving and smacking Killian around +3 for post-credit scenes +5 for brief Mark Ruffalo
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esperwatchesfilms · a year ago
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Thor: The Dark World (2013)
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ESE: 108/100
50 +10 for Anthony Hopkins +10 for Tom Hiddleston +10 for Natalie Portman +10 for Kat Dennings +5 for Stellan Skarsgard +5 for Erik running around Stonehedge naked -10 for scaring the tourists -10 for the intern tossing the keys into the anomaly +5 for Idris Elba -5 for leaving Darcy in the rain +10 for Chris Hemsworth +10 for Frigga’s badassery -5 for Frigga’s death +10 for Stan Lee +10 for brief Chris Evans +5 for slapping Loki for New York +5 for slapping Loki for New York -10  for Loki’s inability to take responsibility -20 for “I don’t trust you”, then getting stabbed +5 for the ruse +5 for the Mew Mew! scene +5 for Loki’s not-dead-ness +3 for post-credit scenes
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esperwatchesfilms · a year ago
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Seed of Chucky (2004)
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ESE: 90/100
50 +5 for the sort of gross opening credits +10 for titties +10 for Billy Boyd +5 for the “Chucky Goes Psycho” movie within the movie +10 for Jennifer Tilly as herself and Tiffany +5 for the sweet family reunion +5 for John Waters -10 for annoying paprazzi +5 for doll titties +10 for Britney Spears -10 for killing Britney Spears +5 for “Oops... I did it again” joke -10 for broken promises +5 for The Shining reference -10 for trying to kill Tiffany +5 for Glen and Glenda splitting into the twins
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esperwatchesfilms · a year ago
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Tuck Everlasting (2002)
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ESE: 95/100
50 +10 for Alexis Bledel +10 for Sissy Spacek +5 for Victor Garber +5 for Winnie playing baseball +5 for wandering outside her fence -10 for kidnapping Winnie +10 for doing things the slow way -10 for absolute cheese writing +5 for Winnie’s forest dance +10 for finally telling Winnie why she’s there +5 for kisses -10 for Miles’s wife being a total jerk +5 for Tuck’s wisdom -10 for the man in the yellow suit’s lies -10 for putting a gun to Winnie’s head +10 for Mae killing the man in the yellow suit -10 for Tuck and Mae being arrested +10 for Jesse, Miles, and Winnie’s ruse +10 for loving Winnie till the day he dies +5 for making wise decisions -5 for not drinking the damn water anyway +5 for Jesse’s 2000s outfit being so simple so he can just blend in
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esperwatchesfilms · a year ago
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The Black Cauldron (1985)
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ESE: 105/100
50 +5 for the piggy, Hen Wen +5 for Hen Wen being a power piggy +5 for Gurgi -10 for not sharing with Gurgi +5 for little goblin dude being cute -5 for little goblin dude being cruel to Hen +10 for Taran’s bravery +5 for Princess Eilonwy’s cheerfulness -5 for assuming assistant pigkeepers can’t be helpful +5 for the bauble having a little personality +5 for swiping the sword +5 for Eilonwy telling Taran off for sexist remarks +5 for the fairfolk +5 for the witches +5 for Eilonwy believing in Taran +5 for being a dark Disney film +5 for Gurgi being alive
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house-ad · 2 months ago
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esperwatchesfilms · a year ago
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Borderland (2007)
ESE: 35/100
50 +10 for Rider Strong -10 for F-slur -10 for underaged prostitute +5 for shroomy time +10 for Sean Astin -10 for Phil getting kidnapped -10 for fucking a stranger without a condom +10 for neat goat-head lady sacrifice -5 for that being the first interesting bit in over an hour +5 for that booty, though -10 for the goat-head lady sacrifice being the only interesting bit... at all
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esperwatchesfilms · a year ago
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Bride of Chucky (1998)
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ESE: 120/100
50 +10 for Jennifer Tilly +5 for “Well, hello, Dolly!” +10 for “Living Dead Girl” by Rob Zombie +5 for Tiffany restoring Chucky +10 for John Ritter +5 for Katherine Heigl +5 for Voodoo for Dummies -10 for the goth wannabe +5 for Charlotte the tarantula +10 for the exorcist-like head twist -10 for Chief Warren Kincaid -10 for spelling woman “B-I-T-C-H” +5 for punching Chucky for putting her in the bride doll’s body +5 for Tiffany keeping Chucky in check -10 for planting drugs on Jesse’s van +10 for creative nails to the face death +5 for Kincaid dying -10 for Norton hassling Jade and Jesse +5 for “Rude fuckin’ doll” +5 for the waterbed kill +5 for the proposal +10 for the hilarity of the doll sex scene +10 for Kathy Najimy -10 for David getting hit by a truck -10 for Chucky being disgusted by burnt Tiffany +10 for Tiffany stabbing Chucky in the back literally +5 for Tiffany’s baby insta-murdering the cop at the end
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esperwatchesfilms · a year ago
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Child’s Play 3 (1991)
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“You just can’t keep a Good Guy down.”
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ESE: 70/100
50 -10 for the viewpoint that kids are just “consumers in training” +5 for the argument against selling more Good Guys dolls -5 for ignoring the argument +5 for “Don’t fuck with the Chuck.” +10 for teenage Andy -5 for the creepy barber soldier -5 for Good Guys commercial -10 for Shelton +10 for De Silva calling him an asshole and standing up to him -5 for opening other peoples’ packages -10 for “Dolls are for girls.” -5 for the idea of giving the murder doll to your kid sister +10 for Dakin Matthews +10 for scaring Colonel Cochrane to death -10 for Tyler being a total dumbass +10 for capture the flag paintball +5 for scary stories +5 for Andy getting smooched +5 for Tyler stabbing Chucky +5 for Whitehurst’s incredible bravery for a kid +5 for carnival +5 for Tyler hiding -5 for Tyler shouting out his location -5 for De Silva getting shot +5 because this “Devil’s Lair” looks hella awesome +5 for Chucky’s super-dismemberment -5 for the carnival shutting its lights off while the clean-up crew is still working
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esperwatchesfilms · a year ago
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Child’s Play 2
Awesome Composer Fact: This was composer Graeme Revell's first big symphonic Hollywood film score. When asked by the producers if had done such a score before, he bluffed and said "yes". In truth, he had never done a full orchestral score (his break-through score, "Dead Calm", was written for a much smaller ensemble).
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Film Debut: Adam Wylie's first film role.
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ESE: 75/100
50 +5 for Chucky’s restoration -10 for the tooth-scraping sound +5 for Kyle’s  practical thinking -10 for the foster dad yelling at Andy for rules he doesn’t know exist +5 for Chucky’s water gun -5 for breaking the statue -5 for handing a kid a cigarette +10 for lecturing him on how gross and bad for you cigarettes are +10 for checking the batteries +5 for Kyle and Andy bonding +5 for Alex Vincent +5 for Beth Grant -10 for the teacher being a total fucking moron -10 for the foster dad +5 for Kyle’s advice +5 for “How’s it hangin’, Phil?” +5 for Kyle finding the Tommy Good Guy doll under the swing +5 for bringing a weapon +5 for Kyle’s quick thinking -10 for sexism +10 for the chant not working +5 for Andy being brave -5 because why wouldn’t he just spit the hose out?
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esperwatchesfilms · a year ago
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Child’s Play (1988)
Fun Killer Fact: Chucky's full name, Charles Lee Ray, is derived from the names of notorious killers Charles Manson, Lee Harvey Oswald (assassin of John F. Kennedy) and James Earl Ray (assassin of Martin Luther King).
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ESE: 90/100
50 +5 for Chucky before he voodoo’d himself into a doll -10 for this kid’s Good Guy obsession -5 for the mess this kid is making +5 for Catherine Hicks -10 for shitty managers who lack compassion +10 for doing your best to get your kid what he wants for his birthday +5 for creepy dolls +10 for the cool building they live in +10 for this kid understanding the truth gets him in trouble because adults don’t believe anything -5 for skipping school and hopping a train with your possessed doll -5 for this kid running toward gunfire +5 for realizing she never put the batteries in +5 for checking for batteries +10 for the doll’s first words in the film being, “You stupid bitch! You filthy slut!” -10 for rapey hobo +5 for saving her from rapey hobo +5 for working out Charles Lee Ray is somehow inside the doll +5 for the Damballa mural +5 for Dr. Death +5 for Alex Vincent +5 for “This is the end, friend!” -10 for the idiot cop
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esperwatchesfilms · a year ago
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For a Good Time, Call... (2012)
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ESE: 110/100
50 -10 for awful boring sex +10 for Justin Long +5 for Shake Shack +5 for Zelda the dog -10 for the urine-in-a-cup-in-Lauren’s-new-car spill +5 for Ari Graynor +5 for Lauren Miller Rogen -5 for Lauren’s judginess +10 for Lauren helping Katie set up her own personal phone sex line +10 for Kevin Smith -10 for Krissy double-crossing them with Jesus! +10 for the Dirty Dancing montage reference +5 for the training montage +10 for Seth Rogen +5 for being protective friends +5 for the gift of a joint +5 for a great date -10 for showing Lauren’s parents the commercial -10 for judgmental parents -10 for their argument +10 for Sean +10 for how cute Jesse is with his dog -5 for Charlie calling +5 for a boyfriend who actually cares about what’s going on in your life and is totally understanding -10 for Charlie being endlessly boring-as-fuck +5 for telling Charlie he’s endlessly boring-as-fuck +10 for being able to say “I love you” +10 for their reconciliation sounding a lot like phone sex
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esperwatchesfilms · a year ago
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Batman (1966)
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ESE: 65/100
50 +3 for cute dedication +5 for fun and cheesey opening credits +5 for Adam West +5 for Batcopter +5 for random girls in bikinis on the helipad +5 for “BAT LADDER” sign on the ladder -10 for Robin taking his sweet time getting the shark repellant to Batman +5 for fishy pun -10 for bizarre reaches like, “It happened at sea... C for Catwoman!” +5 for kitty +5 for Cesar Romero as Joker +5 for the porpoise that gave its life to save Batman and Robin -10 for moronic Admiral +2 for every “Holy Whatever” line Robin has +5 for their charming-but-goofy-weird conclusions (not to be confused with the bizarre reaches) +10 for villains being a tiny bit more clever -5 for not realizing the ruse by the villains +5 for flying umbrellas -10 for people ignoring the fact that Batman is literally carrying a big round cartoon-esque bomb -5 for the Batmobile being stolen by Penguin +10 for that working to Batman and Robin’s advantage -10 for getting terribly boring in the last half hour -5 for relying pretty much entirely on camp
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house-ad · 2 months ago
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