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everunbreakable · 4 years

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Friday, July 13th, 2012 – Blackstar Canyon, Trip 1

Well, we made it back alive. It was an eventful day. Welcome to my world. I picked up Richy first, at around 6:30 am. I then swung by Westminster for Santino. His father gave him the old ham radio to keep in contact as well as a first aid kit. Leave it up to Santino’s old man to cover any blind spots. I knew I was accident-prone. Santino, with his bullet burns from the range, was probably in the same class. Richy had gotten three hours of sleep, while Santino (and Ronan, as revealed later) had each slept for five hours. I myself had lain in bed trying to fall asleep, but I suppose it didn’t happen because I had been accustomed to sleeping late. Santino was already wearing sunglasses. He revealed to me that he had a mutual break-up with Amanda. “I’m sorry,” I told him softly. There was no time to dive through deeper waters with him, what with Richy in tow. Besides, I had to pick up Ronan. Though he was patient, I didn’t like wasting anyone’s time. And so I picked up Ronan last, and we were on our way. He’d brought a batch of Fresh ‘N’ Easy muffins along. Santino was first to try one. As I predicted, Ronan started laughing when the Nickelback song titled “I’d Come For You” began to play. I didn’t comment and smiled to myself as I drove to the soundtrack of his laughter. Chapman became Santiago Canyon Road. There was a driver who darted into the next lane, towards opposing traffic, to cut in front of me. “Oh, my God, is he crazy?” Ronan exclaimed, his eyes flaring with fledgling fire. “What an ass!” We stopped by Albertson’s, where I went to the restroom to avoid going in the canyon. The white stuff on Santino’s pants incited a joke from me (“Tsk tsk… I leave you in the back seat with Richy for a few minutes…”), at which Santino chuckled heartily. I had given him all the details about the gangs and locals, which made him cautious and alert the entire time we were at the canyon. The gate/trailhead was all the way at the end of the road, which Ronan had been uncertain about the longer we remained on it. He had suggested I make a u-turn, but I was determined to keep going. There was a dirt parking lot to the right. Santino was anxious about my car potentially being the object of foul play. “There’s a Lexus,” Ronan pointed out; I glanced at the vehicle to the right of my Corolla. “Don’t worry.” I laughed about this. We entered through the fence after gathering our things. I later realized I was crazy for bringing only two water bottles. “I’m more scared of death than ghosts,” Santino said. The map that Ronan had drawn was pretty cute, aside from being artistic and interesting to look at. It was nowhere finished, but we were already here. It did not seem that difficult. The weather was rather overcast, with the sun shying away behind a vast array of clouds. We walked along the paved road for a while, glancing at Ronan’s map every now and then. We passed the spot where there were supposed to be phantom voices. I heard Santino’s attempt at eerie whispers which were punctuated by a burp. The first dense brush of leaves and trees was fascinating to me. “Somebody died here,” Santino said starkly, making us laugh. We kept right. At one point, when the path branched off, Santino jokingly said, “Okay, I say we split…. Just kidding!” “Okay, you guys go that way,” Ronan said, gesturing at Richy and Santino as well as the left path, which was in the trespassing territory. He placed a hand on my shoulder. “We’ll go this way.” I did not miss the meaning behind his gesture. He always kept me safe. We paused at a tree that had a hollow in it. Santino jumped back. “Oh, shi – ! Just kidding.” Santino laughed, because he had noticed me shirking back. We crossed three bridges. Richy heard rustling in the trees by the creek, after we had crossed the bridge and passed Tuttle House, which looked nicer than descriptions could convey. We threw rocks down the man-made slides and had various contests. We were all having fun. While on the dirt trail, we had various stops, whether it be for eating fruit or having seed-spitting contests. Ronan, though he lost the watermelon seed-spitting contest against Richy, made me laugh spastically with his efforts. Santino's granola bars were scrumptious. Ronan threw his watermelon shell in the air. Just as it fell out of sight, Santino made a farting noise with his mouth that made us all laugh heartily. Santino and I were the last ones to stop laughing completely. I handed everyone some of my cucumber melon hand sanitizer. Ronan, after rubbing the supply of sanitizer between his palms, brought the remaining solution to his face and rubbed his lower cheeks, his face scrunched up. Santino took one look at him and doubled over in laughter. I myself nearly suffocated from giggling. I loved seeing him so loosened up like this. The squatter camp was being dismantled as we passed it. “Very mysterious,” Ronan commented. I silently agreed; it seemed that there was much going on that we did not know about. It seemed like Blackstar Canyon was being moderated in more ways than one. Two bikers were approaching us. We could see them from above. “Let’s ask them something,” Santino suggested. “Where’s the KKK meeting at?” Richy said. Santino and I started laughing uncontrollably. The bikers passed us after asking us what we were looking to do, to which we replied that we were interested in the waterfall. “A lot of people have told us that, too,” one of them said. Snag was, we didn’t ask them if we were heading on the right path. And so we carried on. Ronan had gotten new glasses, inverted/concave once again. At one point, Ronan said, “I have dirt in my mouth.” Santino followed with, “I have mouth in my dirt.” I laughed like no tomorrow, which made him chuckle. We were all sweating profusely. At higher elevation, I saw that Ronan was getting exhausted. I feared for him due to his allergies, and the fact that he would have less endurance as a result. Richy and Santino were eager to keep going. I didn’t want to leave his side as the tighter air pressure manifested its effects on him. “If you think this is bad, wait until two,” Ronan told me, sounding more congested. “It’ll be very dangerous.”. “At least the way back will be downhill,” I attempted, aiming for optimism. “That’s not the problem,” Ronan said back. “Dying from suffocation is not the way to go.” We reached Mariposa Reserve, thinking it was the wrong path. It later turned out that if we had gone farther, we would have reached the end of the path. The way back was much smoother, since it was downhill. I was relieved to see Ronan gradually recovering, making jokes again and exuding more energy. There was one shortcut (sliding down the hill) that made me feel terrified, but Richy clambered up and helped me climb down, holding my hand. I thanked him. Santino had recorded the whole thing, commenting on how much he loved the video. We had hiked over eight miles on the dirt trail, going up and back down. Once we were all feeling more refreshed, we resolved to explore some more – specifically the dry creek. I kept an eye on Ronan to make sure there weren’t relapses. We made a turn into the creek just before the Tuttle House. “I’m going to ask Mr. Tuttle if I can take a picture with him,” I said, smiling. Santino laughed. “And then make a Facebook fan page.” I laughed harder, cracking a joke: “Mr. Tuttle, you’re so hot!” “I love you, Mr. Tuttle,” Santino proclaimed in a high-pitched voice. We both laughed. Entering the creek, we marveled at how beautiful the scenery was. I hung back to drink in the setting as well as take pictures. The others had jumped the light scattering of rocks to cross the very shallow water. Santino looked back at me. I had yet to cross. I lowered the camera, preparing to jump the rocks. There was a rustling sound in the trees and leaves behind me. It seemed like something was moving around. Something of mass. “I heard something,” I said. Santino’s face immediately transitioned to worry; only when I made my way to him across the rocks did he looked assured again. The journey across the relatively dry creek and its rocks became more difficult as we went along. I started to slip on a rock, but Santino grabbed my backpack from behind and prevented me from losing balance. “I got you,” he said reassuringly. “Thank you,” I breathed. And I felt the air flood my lungs again, my blood flowing steadily. “Let’s sing songs so we can stay positive,” he told me bracingly. He sang “Do You Believe in Magic” and “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” as well as a song about rain drops when the drizzle increased momentum. I sang some of the lines with him, giggling once I reached the parts where I no longer knew the lyrics. Santino asked, “Do you want to go in front of me, Christy?” I shook my head resolutely. “I’ll only slow you down. It’s my shoe.” He wordlessly climbed the rock in front of me, but kept an eye on me the rest of the time. There was an instance where I fell behind, and was still clambering over some rocks. “Wait for Christy!” Santino called to the others, patiently hanging back for me. We stumbled across socks, a towel, and even a white tank top. Certainly odd sights, seeing abandoned articles of clothing in the wilderness. Santino stopped at one point to defecate. It wouldn’t be a traditional trip to the wilderness without someone taking a dump, I supposed. “If you hear farting noises, I’m sorry,” he said candidly. “Don’t worry, we’re used to it,” I told him. I handed Santino some toilet paper. I gazed at the massive boulder before us, while Ronan sat on the stone next to it, using it like a bench. Richy was standing on my right, chatting with us. “My poop is orange!” Santino called. “What does that mean?” “Thanks for the details,” Ronan said sarcastically. “Did you eat carrots?” I asked him, not turning around. “Maybe.” “Did you eat curry?” Ronan said. “Maybe.” I laughed. We continued on after Santino wrapped up, Richy keeping an eye on me. I was growing more tired, and my head was pounding. But I had to keep going; I didn’t want to slow anyone down. Even if no one minded. “This place looks nice by day,” Santino commented. “But it’d be creepy at night.” “Would you ever go here at night?” I asked Richy. “Hmmm… I don’t know.” We hit a wall of rocks that blocked us. We decided to turn back; we had already seen the first waterfall. Passing by the rock where Santino had defecated, we saw that his orange pile had disappeared. That was a bit eerie. How did that happen without any running water nearby? Was it the thing that had been behind me, rustling, before I turned around to hear silence? The way back did not take long; we were all fairly tired – with the exception of Richy, who was used to more strenuous hikes. Santino was going strong, despite his one-banana breakfast. He had laughed when I expressed my dismay, but assured me that he would be okay. Ronan was exhausted, needless to say. So was I. Once out of the creek (and out of the woods), we encountered a shirtless, Caucasian male biker, either in his late twenties or early thirties. He was standing against a tree, by his bike. He talked to us about his previous biking experiences in other hiking areas, and asked if the waterfall was running. He was a friendly guy. He bade us good-bye. That was pleasant. “That was Mr. Tuttle,” Richy joked. I laughed. Who knows? Maybe so. On the way back, Ronan spat his electrolyte water at the electrical fence in an attempt to test it out. There was no detectable effect. The last mile or so was the longest, but we still managed to have lots of fun. Santino showed me his method of getting rid of mosquito swarms. Arms spread out while twirling around... he looked so free. Needless to say, I liked feeling free. I giggled as I mimicked him. Santino and I then picked up sticks and poked them into the entrance of some sort of burrow. He dropped his stick and made a deep, guttural noise that made me shriek and jump back. Ronan started laughing as he surveyed us from behind. I started to giggle as well, covering my face. Santino chuckled as he looked at me. This is nice, I thought. Days like these are so pleasant. In the car, Ronan turned on the air conditioner, knowing my car better than I do. I drove to the Albertson’s we had stopped at in the morning. We rested our eyes in the car for a while before three out of four of us used the restrooms. Ronan skipped through to the next song, not being fond of “Over and Over” by Three Days Grace. Afterwards, we sat on the grass in front of my car, chatting. Ronan and Richy transitioned to throwing leaves at each other. Santino sat next to me. I tried to start a conversation with Santino about Amanda, in case he needed to air things out. “It’s hard to talk about something like this, but I figured you’d feel better if you talked about it. How have you been since the ...” My voice trailed off. “Break-up,” Santino finished, looking briefly at the skies. “I’ve… moved on.” “Oh.” I gazed into his face. “Oh.” He grinned. “That was fast.” I giggled. “Well, we’ve known each other for a while.” “Is she younger or older than you?” “She’s a couple years younger,” Santino said, his head hanging as he gazed at the ground, his fingers tracing some blades of grass. Talk turned to what he’d been doing. He was mostly at home and hanging out. “You?” he asked. I had been going out a lot. Ronan and I each came up with various ideas and were mutually receptive of carrying them out. We headed to Bruxie’s next, where Ronan and Richy shared a chicken and waffles sandwich. Santino looked up stuff about Blackstar Canyon on his phone. Then, we crossed the street to explore Chapman University. It began raining harder. Santino said, “I don’t understand modern art.” There were many pieces of said genre around the campus.

At Chapman University, we messed around under a section under the roof where rain was cascading down, almost aesthetically. Ronan looked up several times only to end up with water trickling into his mouth. I giggled madly at the comical manner in which he spat the water out of his mouth. Santino laughed heartily at the sight, then reached over for my arm. He gently pulled me over to where they stood beneath the cascade of water drops. “Here, try it,” he told me. “It’s pretty fun.” Indeed, it was. I told Ronan that I had received a strange message from Trisha that read : “What’s wrong, Christy?” Ronan laughed. “Hunter got a weird one from her.” “Another one?” I said. “Yeah… something like, ‘Why do you hate me?’” “Wow, so she’s at home internalizing this whole thing.” “Probably. I find it weird she’s being nice to me, though.” Trisha’s text message for Ronan had asked about his day, how his summer was going so far, etc. “Oh. She’s probably still trying to set you up.” By that, I was referring to Bao, of course. I had a feeling she liked Ronan. Ronan had seen all the signs, with one of the biggest flags occurring when we had come inside Bao’s shared apartment with her sisters – their reaction to him had made it obvious. “Probably,” Ronan said. Then, more resolutely, with a hint of disdain, “No, thanks.” And that was that. I liked whoever he liked. It was how I did things when it came to him. We messed around at the fountain, daring each other to touch the spout before the water burst up again. Ronan made as if to take his socks off and wash his feet, catching my eye and smiling mischievously. Santino’s house was our last stop for the day. It had been an eventful one, as common lately. Santino logged into his Golden West application. I helped dispel some of his confusion and insecurities about college. One of the questions asked where he was born. His mother had told him Anaheim at first, but had later confirmed it to be Fountain Valley. Santino’s father walked into the room, just as Santino was getting up to ask. Before his father could say whatever he had originally wanted to say, Santino flooded him with, “Dad, where was I born?” We chuckled behind him. “Orange County,” his father finally settled for. I found this hilarious. I asked each of them about the story of their births. “Contractions? Water breaking?” “That is so specific, Christy,” Ronan commented. He had also been born in Fountain Valley Hospital. “All I know is my family moved into that house, and a year later, I was born.” “The house you live in right now?” I asked. “No, my cousin’s house. Remember, I told you that I used to live with my cousins?” “Oh.” No, I did not remember. Had he told me that? Ronan eventually lay on Santino’s bed and shut his eyes for a while. I could tell his head was still throbbing. After Ronan and Richy both lay on the floor, I lay on the bed instead, at the edge. I asked Ronan, “What were you going to tell me about your cousin?” “Forget it,” he said. “You don’t have to know it.” “But you told me you’d tell me!” “Yeah, right. You were, like, ‘I’ll remind you to tell me about that!’” “I did.” Ronan shook his head. “It’s not worth it.” Santino turned around. “Wait, why do you say she doesn’t have to know it?” Ronan started to say it, then. “Okay, so my cousin…” “Yeah?” I said. “She went hiking. And… she never came back.” “She died?!” I exclaimed (I feel, a bit insensitively). “Yes. It was written off as heat stroke. They’re still doing the autopsy. It’s odd, because they found scars on her.” “Was she close to you?” I asked. Ronan shook his head. “One of my San Diego cousins.” She had gone with a group of girlfriends. “When was this?” Santino asked. “Monday.” “I’m sorry, Ronan,” I said gently. “It’s okay.” It seemed like a million years passed before I resolved my next action. “I don’t know what to say right now,” I said apologetically. “It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything – “ “Give me your hand,” I said gently. “Where is it?” “It’s under the bed.” “I don’t know what to say, so I’ll do this.” With that, I reached down from where I lay, at the edge of Santino’s bed, and found Ronan’s hand. Ronan was not talking anymore. Neither was I. Our hands, still clasped together, stilled at his side, nearly under the bed. Upon observation, I saw that my best friend had fallen asleep. His hand gave my smaller one a subtle, yet somewhat spastic squeeze. He was holding my hand tighter when he wasn’t conscious. Santino and Richy had fallen silent. The slow music was blanketing us all, in different ways. Santino looked back at us every now and then, reserved and probably pensive. Ronan, after gaining back consciousness, asked me, “Isn’t your arm hurting, Christy?” “No,” I said resolutely, still holding his hand. “It’s okay,” he assured me. It was aggravating that I had no idea what to do, really, to show him I’m there for him… I had gone through the grief cycle, Ronan had supported me the most during that time… but I wasn’t sure what to do now. I wanted him to know I was there. Our hands parted at a certain point, when we both got sweaty and there needed to be a transition to get the atmosphere going again, after the silence. Richy reached up and poked my toe, which was peeking through the hole in my sock. I jerked my leg back, tickled and laughing. Santino’s head jerked over. “What happened?” “There’s a hole in my sock right where my big toe is,” I giggled. All four of us laughed. “That’s funny,” Ronan said. We group-hugged and fist-bumped before departing from Santino’s house. He walked us to the door. The drive home was comfortable. The streets were empty and relatively quiet. I traced a smiley face on the foggy windshield as I was at a stop light. It was sticking its tongue out. “Looks a bit scary,” I laughed. “You draw on this?” Ronan asked me. “Yup.” “Looks cool,” he said. He started writing on his side of the windshield. He wrote out on old nickname of mine. “White Bleed… that sounds a bit kinky,” Ronan said. I chuckled softly. Richy gave us “slide-fives” before exiting my car. I bade him good night and ‘take care.’ Ronan told me one of the areas in the time warp after our trip to Rancho Cucamonga was haunted, actually having tombstones. “I’ll stop by sometime on the way back from Round One,” he told me. “Alright. Just let me know next time you guys go.” “Okay. Only thing is that the place has a lot of dark alleys.” We pulled over past Ronan’s house, where I talked with him. It was a feat trying to start the conversation. “I’m sorry, Ronan. You tried to tell me when we were hiking, but I just… brushed it off.” My voice started to shake, and I could feel the tears erupting in my eyes. “You always listen to my problems…. but I took it lightly, I should have realized it was something serious.” “No, you didn’t Christy,” Ronan said, rather forcefully because he knew I was on the verge of crying. I gulped, my vision blurring with unshed tears. “Don’t worry. My family and I are used to death, Christy. We’re okay with it. This is not much to me.” His parents were sad, but - “Well, the degree of grief is directly related to your relationship with the person.” “That’s true,” Ronan agreed. “And your view of death, I suppose.” It was hard to get the words out. But I pushed myself to be strong about it. Ronan had been there for me when I was drenched in the darkness, when I could not see the light in the hours, days, and weeks immediately following my mother’s passing. “I know you’re not open with a lot of people…” I looked over at him; Ronan was looking straight ahead. “You’re cautious, reserved.” He nodded. “Mmhmm.” I stared at the staring wheel. I think I was gripping it, as well. “I know I don’t show it a lot, but I … care about you a lot.” I gazed over at Ronan. “But wait… you know that, right?” “I don’t know. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t.” He always shot straight. It hurt. The truth was like that. What the hell? I thought at first. But I quelled. I didn’t need my ego talking. I decided he could believe what he wanted to believe. We had gone through this before. No matter what, I would always be there for him. “If you ever need a listening ear, or a shoulder… just say the word and I’m there.” My voice wasn’t exactly working, but it still came out… maybe not elegantly, but it was likely obvious I was having a hard time getting it out. Ronan gave a nod, his eyes softening. “I know, Christy.” “So you do know!” I said that in a lighthearted, jokingly prodding manner… but I could see from the look on his face and the tone of his voice that he knew I was being serious. I had not seen him look that serious, all day. He had practically sighed out the words, heaved them out. Ronan told me, “Christy, don’t worry. Alright? I’m not impacted by this.” A silence fell over us as the rain drops fell harder on the windshield. Why was this so cliché? “Nineteen,” Ronan said. I gazed over at him. I realized he was talking about her age. “I never played with her that much. She was never at family gatherings.” “Wow… didn’t those take a lot of effort to make happen, considering her family’s in San Diego?” “Yeah, but she was never there. She was always focused on her friends.” “Good friends?” I asked. “Who knows?” Ronan said. “Especially since they were with her… and…” “Yeah.” “Seems like there might have been foul play, or negligence.” “I think there was.” Ronan paused. “She’s the opposite of me. She went from family, to friends. I went from friends, to family.” I had a flashback of the talk I had with Ronan the night he told me I had “cracked the code,” had deciphered his entire life story. He had mentioned the friends from elementary school who ditched him, who had called him “evil.” I never thought of him as evil. Intense, yes. Dangerous, yes. A dangerous boy who chose to be decent. That was how I liked them. “I just realized all the cousins will be at the funeral,” Ronan said solemnly. “We’re never all together like that.” “I know that feeling,” I said. “The family doesn’t get together until – “ My voice broke, but the one in my head murmured : Tragedy hits… I quietly listened, absorbed everything he said. He went on to tell me about his San Diego family members – his mother’s side. “My mom’s side is messed up,” Ronan said. “Only one person is good. My aunt.” I recalled he had told me he had greedy family members in another country. I brought this up; he confirmed to me that they were also on his mother’s side. “Your mother seems like a cheerful person,” I said. “So kind, too.” “Yes. She gets treated badly, though, because she’s the youngest. By her siblings.” “That doesn’t make any sense,” I said. The skies were not crying so hard anymore. The radio was off; I had switched it off earlier. Ronan rustled with his backpack. “Well, I think I should go now.” After he exited my car, Ronan bade me good-night and wished me a safe drive. His trademark woodsy forest scent lingered. I realized I was haunted by the thought of him doubting how much I cared. Ronan always had a way of soothing me, seemingly with little effort. It was natural. Was there more that I could be doing for him? All the way home, the thought lingered. I couldn’t shake it off. Overall, we had a lot of fun on Thursday. It was definitely a day I will remember. It was nice to hang out with Santino again. He expressed interest in going back to Blackstar Canyon.

#2012 #July #Blackstar Canyon #Ronan #Santino #hiking

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everunbreakable · 4 years

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Friday, August 23, 2013 – A night with Ronan and Hunter

Last night, I was wandered around up on Turtle Rock in Irvine with Ronan and Hunter. We witnessed a nice little lightning storm in the distance. Ronan thinks it’s the domino in a sequence of peculiar happenings that have affected the three of us. Before we went, Ronan and I had another heart-to-heart conversation. I’m so thankful I can trust him with my thoughts. My life. He has given me a safe space to land, over and over again. I can’t imagine how life would be without him and his unwavering friendship. To carry Ronan’s beautiful wisdom with me always, I’ve written down his advice: I feel like there is a positive and negative to every single action we make in life no matter how small the action may be. Morality is just a term used to help you determine which of the 2 sides you'd rather "see." Sort of like a magnifying glass that amplifies what it is that you wish to view. In this case, it’s whether or not you want to see your actions as good or bad. When in reality, every action has a "reward" and a "consequence." So....just live your life the way you feel like you want to, but you should also take into consideration of how others are feeling too. Life is all about risks. Our mistakes in the past are what helps us to build our future. But I understand that you might need some time to heal before you can affectionately rely on one person alone. I respect that. The best failures in our life are sometimes the best memories. I saw that somewhere. The hike to the top was not strenuous. I enjoyed the boys’ company amidst the gathering dark. We trudged up some stairs and rocks along the cliff. I was scared at first, but grew comfortable walking along the top. Once the sun set, it was glorious. As we lingered on the mountain, I told Ronan about the dream I had after the deep conversation we’d had on Wednesday night. Remus, Ronan, and I were walking along a sidewalk. There had been grass, a gate, and some white structure. It wasn’t clear in my mind. What was clear that Remus was not himself. Furthermore, he seemed to be struggling. But Ronan was helping him stay balanced, and was even carrying him at one point. I was relieved to see this and turned my back to leave. However, a white-and-blue truck sped onto the lawn, running over Remus in the process. He lay on the sidewalk without moving. I bolted back, supporting the back of his head with my hand. Something wet and membranous met my skin. Oh, my goodness… his brains? I removed my hand. When I touched the back of his head again, his wound seemed to disappear, though he was still laying in a pool of blood. It was as if my touch had healed him – at least, in part. The scene transitioned to the hospital ward. Remus looked nearly fully recovered. I don’t think there was an end to the dream. As I was recounting this dream to him, Ronan sat on a boulder and listened. I was eye-level with him. “My question is, what have you been doing with him?” Ronan said, his eyes penetrating my soul. “Why is he suddenly appearing in your dreams?” I shrugged. Ronan continued to observe me. It was a well-chosen question. I hadn’t dreamed of Remus in a symbolic narrative before. Sure, I’d dreamed of Ronan. But I was around Ronan often. It made sense to dream of Ronan since I spent so much time with him during my waking hours. In fact, I lost count of how many times Ronan and I dreamed of each other. “I think you feel guilty when you can’t be there for someone,” Ronan said slowly, his eyes not leaving mine. “And it seems like you don’t want to depend on other people. Like you said, you just want to leave. But that may make you lose friends.” “Lose them?” My face snapped towards him. Remus had died in my dream. Chivalry had literally died. That was not the first connection I would have made. I didn’t know what dots to connect. But I took in Ronan’s words, because I trusted his judgment before anyone else’s. Even my own. Ronan continued: “You don’t ask for help. They don’t know when to help you.” “Because they promise me all these things!” I protested. “And they’re just so good with words, it scares me!” “Why?” Ronan asked gently. His eyes were soft as he took me in. I always felt protected when I was with Ronan, so it was easy to be vulnerable. To be open about what I was thinking. “Because it’s all too familiar… it’s all too familiar.” I shook my head and intended my gaze on the ground. Ronan’s eyes were compassionate as he beheld me. “You’ll just have to let time heal that wound of yours, Christy.” I looked back at him, still in pain but feeling hope on the rise. Hunter interrupted the talk. “Hey, guys.” We looked over at him. It didn’t seem like he had noticed that Ronan and I were talking about something private, just between us. Or maybe he didn’t care. Hunter nodded towards the sky, at a point somewhere behind us. Ronan and I turned. What we saw astounded us. “Whoa.” It was a lightning storm before our very eyes. Without rain. There was some thunder, but it was not in sync with the flashes, since the thunder traveled at the speed of sound. We drank in the wondrous sight for a while before heading back north. Netflix night at Hunter’s was pleasant. I had missed our evenings together. I hope they can continue to happen in the future. Since my car had been on Ronan’s driveway, I had to drive home from there once we returned. Backing out of his driveway was a nightmare. I had a history of slamming off Ronan’s curb. Even Hunter complained about that cursed curb. “You want me to do it?” Ronan had asked me. “No, I’m good,” I kept insisting. I took a while to back out of the driveway. Once I did, I thudded down the curb. Immediately, the alarm of the car behind me went off. Did I hit it? Oh, god. As if I didn’t already have one on my record. Ronan exited the house. I pulled up his driveway again, praying that imminent doom did not await me once the neighbors came out. He was gaping at me. “I hit your neighbor’s car,” I breathed. Ronan was still gaping. “Christy, you should have just called me.” “I thought I had it,” I said. I exited my car and clambered into shotgun. Ronan took the wheel and smoothly backed out for me. He parked us in the next neighborhood over. “What should I do?” I couldn’t think straight. My heart was hammering in my chest. My anxiety was rather high lately. That, on top of lack of sleep, and I would be off the edge in no time. I had to remain calm. Meditate and see what happens. “I don’t know, Christy,” Ronan said. “I’ve never done this before. Christy, you can either run away or leave your information. It’s up to you.” There was no judgment in his voice. His tone carried open acceptance. “I don’t know what I should do right now. Leave money?” Ronan raised his brows. “Money? What money? It might cost, like, four hundred dollars.” “Then so be it,” I said. There was no other way for me. I would take responsibility for my actions. I exited and observed the rear of my car. Ronan shone his phone’s flashlight over the bumper area. “What’s that?” He was observing a white streak on the right of the license plate. “Or was that already there?” I rubbed my fingers over the mark. It disintegrated… it was only dust. It needed a car wash more than anything. “There’s no dent,” I thought out loud. “Christy, are you sure you hit it?” Ronan asked. If I had been with anyone else besides Ronan, I would have been embarrassed. Instead, I felt the urge to laugh. He drove me back to his neighborhood, where he exited my car and scanned the vehicle I assumed to have hit. “Christy, there’s no bump,” Ronan said. “You didn’t hit anything.” He reached out and placed a hand on my shoulder, his eyes kind and sympathetic. His touch was bracing. I was not bothering to disguise my labored breathing. However, when Ronan touched me, it brought me back to the ground. I landed safely and soon found balance again. Ronan wished me a good-night and a safe drive. I drove home in a daze.

#2013 #August #Ronan #Hunter #Irvine #turtle rock #hiking #dreams

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everunbreakable · 4 years

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Thursday, June 21, 2012 - Spirited Celebrations

Good morning, good evening, good day. Yesterday was a wonderful day. I’m so glad I was able to celebrate Santino’s graduation. I was complimented so often for the dress I chose that I spent most of the afternoon as a tomato. Ronan looked rather dashing in his blue dress shirt, black vest, and tie. He arrived at my house past noon; I told him to park in my spot to avoid street sweeping. I had tried to wear a trench coat to put off unveiling my lace dress, but the scorching weather foiled such lighthearted attempts. Ronan had cut his hair in the morning. “You’re looking handsome,” I told him. We were off to Xyrad’s house; Xyrad was ironing and trying to get ready. Danny looked exhausted. Andre was happy to see me, saying, “My day just got happier, then.” Xyrad had slicked his hair back. In his vest and slacks, he looked like some sort of baron or count. I thought it was a cool look. There was one snag – the matter of Xyrad’s tie. Ronan and Xyrad both tried to tie it; we ended up leaving before it looked anywhere near intact. Danny came down and joined us; he was dressed in more casual attire. It would be Danny that lent a hand to get Xyrad’s tie problem sorted out. I handed Xyrad the camera as we walked over to our old high school; he turned out to be a natural photographer. We sat on the bleachers, trying not to melt in the scorching sunshine. Ronan pulled me close for a picture with him. It took a while before any of us were able to spot Santino and Richy as the graduates assembled themselves on the field. I could tell from afar that Richy was doing his best to spot us. We yelled at him when he walked by after receiving his diploma. No matter how heartily I yelled, I couldn’t get Santino’s attention; not only was he too far away, but he was walking in the opposite direction. He was not sitting with Richy or his martial arts classmates. I had been searching, determinedly, for him for the first half of the ceremony. I had jumped when I heard the name Santino twice. Ronan had as well. The whole thing was over in an hour and a half. Everyone proceeded to exit the stadium. I looked to the right near the tennis courts and somehow managed to look right into the face of Santino’s father. He hailed me, and invited me to come over to his house to celebrate Santino’s graduation. “Bring all your friends, too,” he told me. In a brief moment, I gazed over his shoulder and caught a girl’s eye. I instantly knew that this was Santino’s girlfriend, Amanda. I didn’t prolong the exchange, though; I turned back to Santino’s father and patted his arm, telling him I would meet him at his residence. I turned back to walk with Ronan, who had hung back and observed our exchange in a subtle, reserved manner. We spotted Matthew S., who I’ve known since elementary school, near us. I told Ronan what had happened. “I saw his girlfriend staring at me,” I said. “I know, I saw, too.” “Did she look hostile?” Ronan nodded. “Yep.” We crossed the street to the library, where we tried our best to search for Richy and Santino. Danny branched off with Richy’s family; Ronan and I tried to find Santino, whose phone was busy. We ended up joining Richy’s family. Photos were snapped from all directions. I had been drinking in the beautiful, lively atmosphere since when we were on the bleachers. It was amazing to be in the midst of such joyous, genuine celebration. It was rare, and I couldn’t help but feel lifted as well… especially with the encouraging speech about never giving up, and reaching an end result worth all the effort. It was heartening. We all took photos with Richy. I also took pictures with each person : Ronan, Xyrad, Richy, and Valerie. I hooked arms with Ronan for our picture. I did not manage to bump into Santino; his family was heading home already. Before parting ways, we told Richy that we would be heading to Santino’s for the celebratory dinner. Richy was off to eat with his family and Valerie; he said it was likely that he could join us later in the day. I wished him fun and safe times before heading back to the car with Ronan and Xyrad. I had parked in a reserved spot, it turned out. My car had nearly been towed. Thankfully we were able to make it back before such a possibility could manifest itself as history. I drove to Santino’s, taking Garden Grove Blvd, then Westminster. I beat his father by about five minutes. Santino was waiting for us on his lawn. “Hi, guys!” There it was, that toothy grin that had brought such light in my life during the first winter without my mother. He was holding his arms out. Xyrad hugged Santino first. I was next… Santino took one look at me and let out one of his jokingly high-pitched yelps as he grinned from ear to ear. I hardly ever wore dresses; this was the first time I ever dressed up around friends. He hugged me tight for a few seconds longer than anyone else. He hugged Ronan next. We entered the house; some of Santino’s relatives were already there. I recognized one of the women; she had asked me countless questions at the mall over a year ago when I went out with Santino’s family. We went into Santino’s room first; Santino handed us a poster and challenged us to find him on both the collage as well as the giant number twelve consisting of his entire graduating class. I was the one who found him on both sides. Santino introduced me to Amanda (“This is Amanda, who I told you about…”), who was sitting at his desk chair. I shook hands with her. I ended up spending much of my time with Xyrad and Ronan. We ate in the backyard. Santino’s father checked in on us every so often. Anthony T., Santino’s cousin who attends UC Irvine, introduced himself to us. “I’m sorry, I didn’t get your names.” He reminded me of Gendry, with his candid, analytical comments and characteristic chuckle. Sophia, Santino’s little cousin, kept appearing and disappearing. She had taken to running into the yard to whisper something into Anthony’s ear, then scampering back inside again, giggling. “She told me she thinks your dress is pretty,” Anthony told me. “Oh, so that was one of the secrets,” I said, laughing. “Yeah, I told her to tell you… but she ran away!” Sophia returned again. This time I heard what she said to Anthony, while she pointed at me. “You marry her!” Anthony started chuckling. “That wouldn’t work, Sophia.” “You marry my sister!” Sophia said. Okay, now it was getting weird. “No, that’s weird!” Anthony protested, mirroring my thoughts. I asked Ronan what the joke had been on Tuesday, before I entered the car, and Ricardo had been holding back a smile about. “Oh.” Ronan swallowed his food. “He was saying, ‘Good thing Christy isn’t driving.’” “That’s it? He’s told me that before.” “I guess he was just being polite.” Ronan lightly shrugged. “Polite? He doesn’t need to be polite; he needs to be real.” Just like Ronan. Santino told us that Crystal had arrived. Ronan and Santino suggested I go get her. When Crystal saw me, she rushed over. “Oh, Christy, that’s such a pretty dress!” She hugged me, tightly, but it was a brief one. Entering the yard, she said hi to everyone. “You look different,” Ronan commented. “Do I?” “It’s your hair cut.” “Is it?” “Yeah, you have bangs now.” Xyrad’s reaction when the ipod speaker played William Hung’s rendition of “YMCA” was hilarious. I snapped more photos of everything. Ronan crossed his legs and placed his feet at the base of my chair as he perused his phone. I took a photo of his handsomeness. Santino and Daniel were taking photos on the former’s father’s fancy camera. Talk of graduation came. “I still can’t believe you graduated,” I said. “I know, right?” Santino stepped onto the skateboard near me. “I still feel like a kid right now.” “That’s good,” Ronan said. We went out in front for a bit, when Richy and Valerie arrived. Valerie questioned why it was that she never saw Crystal in the instances where she went to Santino’s house. “She’s here now,” I said. “You want to see her?” Ronan asked. “I’m not sure I want to see her,” Valerie mused, her lips slightly parted as she appeared thoughtful. “Why?” Ronan asked, slightly laughing now. But there was no time to answer. We entered Santino’s room. Crystal exited her parents’ bedroom, where Sophia was playing. She gasped when she saw Valerie, and rushed over to hug her. I intended my gaze away from the blatant artificiality of it all. When Valerie and Crystal disappeared together, Ronan and I exchanged glances and spoke quietly about artificial pleasantries. When Valerie returned, I told her about the love-petting I had received on Tuesday evening in Irvine Spectrum from a complete stranger while his blonde companion looked on with interest. Richy and Valerie both felt that it was creepy. Ronan did a demonstration of the love-petting on my head; I felt his fingertips graze my scalp… wait, he was using both hands… the darkness of his palms made me close my eyes for a second. He withdrew his hands. Ronan and I stared at each other as everyone else looked on. I forgot who burst into laughter first – me or Ronan. Either way, he was enjoying himself; I saw him slap his knee as he chuckled. Valerie and Richy were laughing as well. “That was revenge for last night, wasn’t it?” I asked playfully, after I finished laughing. “Yes,” Ronan said. “Because I couldn’t get you. And I was jealous! I was jealous… because he petted you and not me.” I knew that was only a joke, but I went along with it anyway. “You did it better than he did anyway,” I told Ronan. He raised a brow as he smirked at me. Valerie, who was at the door, smiled at our exchange. “You’re welcome to pet me,” I coyly told Valerie, as a joke. “Okay, come here!” she giggled. “Whooaaa,” Ronan said, smiling. “I can’t help it,” I said. Then, seeing an opportunity to make a joke, I went on, “My dam burst.” My eyes were on the ground; I raised my head when I heard them laughing. “What?” Valerie yelped, giggling. “What does that mean?” Ronan asked, looking both bewildered and wildly amused. He then turned to Richy, who was leaning against the wall near the closet. “You look like you know how to translate that. What dam burst?” I laughed heartily. We all started signing Santino’s yearbook, with me writing the most. I felt like I hadn’t even come close to pouring my heart out, though. As it was, I didn’t want to be too cheesy. Amanda had already gone home… in the back of my mind I wondered if the whole thing had been awkward for her. Crystal came back and asked if we wanted to go somewhere, like a place she termed The Lab. She commented that she did not like Daniel’s hair. That was a bit rough. Santino’s mother knocked on the door and asked if he wanted to cut the cake. And so we trooped out and watched as Santino put on his red gown and cap, and unearthed his diploma. His short speech before cutting the cake was sweet. He glanced at me when he thanked his friends for being there for him when he needed help. I felt a stir of companionable affection in my heart as I met his eyes. Santino made quite a show out of cutting the two cakes, making everyone laugh with his antics. The cake itself was delicious. I did not try the chocolate one. Santino’s father ushered us into the living room, so that Santino could have a group picture with us. “The two girls should sit in front, with Santino,” his father suggested. “Ohhhhh,” Ronan said, while Xyrad and Richy grinned. “Play-uhhh,” Xyrad chimed in. Santino was grinning as Valerie and I sat on either side of him on the couch, the three other gentlemen standing directly behind us. He placed his arms around our shoulders for the shots. His father took a couple shots from my camera as well, on my request. “You can’t have one eye,” his father told Santino. “You have to show both eyes!” Santino smoothed his fringe from his face as everyone laughed. I rose from the couch after the shots; Santino migrated to the door where his relatives each bade him good-bye and further congratulated him before departing. Xyrad, Richy, and Valerie now occupied the three-seater. Ronan sat in a white stool behind them. I stood by them, chit-chatting. Ronan offered me half of the stool, and so we shared a seat and drank in the lively atmosphere in the midst of Santino’s celebratory banquet. Santino sang along to classical music/opera. Sophia decided to duck under the hem of his gown and rise inside it. Ronan started laughing, I knew, because the whole scene looked sexual. “I just thought of Austin Powers,” he said in between chortles and knee slaps. Santino was guffawing as well. “You shouldn’t do that, Sophia,” Crystal said calmly. Sophia was still giggling madly after Santino took the gown off her. I admired how gentle and natural he was with children. More shots were taken on my camera as well as Ronan’s camera. We flanked Santino for several shots before Santino suggested that Richy join, since they were both graduates. The four of us were standing so stiffly that I threw my arms around Ronan and Santino. I knew most of us were tired. Ronan threw an arm around the area above my waist. We were practically falling on Santino in one of the shots. Richy was leaning towards the center as well. After Santino’s extended family went home, Mr. Nguyen downloaded ‘The Avengers’ for us to watch. It was a cam; we could hear the audience laughing and munching on popcorn. We started assembling the furniture in a circle. Somehow I ended up on the three-seater between Richy and Ronan. Ronan spoke quietly to me, mirroring my thoughts. “Shouldn’t we be sitting over there?” Valerie and Richy were separate again. “I think so, too,” I whispered back, bending down as if to look at the floor and admire the tiles as Crystal swept it. “He always does this,” Ronan murmured. Crystal, who was sweeping on Ronan’s right, bent down and asked us, looking concerned, “What is it?” “I should take off my shoes,” I said; it was the first thing that came to my mind. Crystal furrowed her brows, shaking her head. “No, it’s fine.” Ronan looked up at her, his face stony as he continued what I started. “You sure? It’s an Asian house.” I quietly realized that I had learned how to deflect when needed from Ronan. Richy migrated to the small couch between Santino and Valerie’s two-seater, while Xyrad joined us on Ronan’s right side. I was nearest to the television.

Ronan and Xyrad each drew something in Santino’s yearbook. I drew a snow globe with a pawprint-adorned heart, with a thought bubble detailing a tree with a quote, “Don’t make me hug you!” This was a reference to my first encounter with Santino. He had been so young, then… and timid, uncomfortable, shaken up… I was so proud of the progress he’d made, the growth he had spanned. It had been nearly four years ago that we met, and yet it felt like a long time ago. He and I grew closer in the days following my mother’s death. Santino fell asleep around eleven. Ronan and I snapped pictures of him. My flash was the brightest. Xyrad looked over to see how the shot had turned out; he burst into spastic laughter. Valerie left before midnight with Richy, who seemed like he wanted to hang back. He came over and put his arms around me and Ronan. “Thanks for the presents, guys,” he said, holding us close. We reciprocated this gesture of physical affection. It had been a pleasant, heartfelt day. “Have fun at summer camp!” Xyrad called to him when Richy was at the screen door. “I will.” “When are you going?” Ronan asked. “End of July, for about a week.” “Oh, okay.” Xyrad turned and muttered to Ronan, “I didn’t even know he was going to summer camp; I was just saying…” Ronan and I burst into laughter. “You’re his cousin!” Ronan said. “You guys don’t talk.” “You guys need to talk,” I said. Santino’s father came out in his pajamas and told me there was more food in the fridge if I or any of the others felt hungry. I thanked him. After the movie ended, the four of us returned to Santino’s room, where he opened his presents from me and Ronan. He chuckled softly when he read what I wrote on the tag. He looked at me, eyes both soft and bright. “Thanks.” I could tell Santino liked the shirt I had picked out for him over a year ago; he stared at it, marveling in the detail. Ronan commented that it looked “awesome.” Santino raised it to his face and sniffed it along a considerable length before exhaling, relaxed. “Santino, it doesn’t smell like me this time,” I said gently, laughing. “It’s okay,” Santino said softly. Something Steven had told me bolted through the back of my mind. Scent is closest to memory… even Ronan had agreed to that once. I admired Ronan’s gifts for Santino. The green ninja star was particularly creative, as was the chain-bouquet of Milkita candy in the green bowl Ronan had purchased at Daizo when we’d gone there on Tuesday. “Dang, how long did this take you?” Santino asked him, his fingers tracing over the candy chain. “Five minutes,” Ronan replied. “Five minutes or five hours?” “I dunno… I lost track of time.” Creation for Santino. It was perfect, fitting. Ronan had put significant thought into this. “Hugs, guys?” Santino stood up, his arms out towards us. I raised my arms and approached him; he made a movement as if to hug just me, then realized that Ronan and Xyrad were going in for it, too. We all had a group hug to end the night. My hand lingered on Santino’s shoulder. “Take care,” I told him, softly. He looked at me, but I don’t remember if he said something to reply. I knew that Santino often had a difficult time verbalizing these things. I understood. Ronan looked on in silence. The night had turned into the more ungodly hours of morning that most healthy people should not see. Santino followed behind us to the front door. He seemed like he wanted another hug. Instead, he looked at each one of us as he bade us individual good-byes. “Thank you so much, guys,” he said. “You’re a million times welcome,” I said. The night awaited us. I clicked to unlock the car as we were approaching it. “My eyes!” Ronan exclaimed as the headlights blinked at us. “Why, Christy, why?” Xyrad yelped jokingly. I laughed. “Sorry, guys.” I turned on the ignition. Ronan, sitting in shotgun, switched on the heater. “Heater for your feet,” he said to me, since he knew I took my shoes off for driving. It wasn’t nearly as painful as he deemed it to be. Ronan defrosted my back window for me as we sat in my car, the skies too bright to be called dark, and yet too dark to be deemed relevant to early morning. I drove for a while, with the music playing from my ipod. Ronan had not brought his along because his pockets were too small. “So what’d you think of today?” I asked him. “Fun,” Ronan replied. “I liked it.” He finished with a note of boyish enthusiasm that I was content to hear. Amanda had not spoken to me much, save for the moment when I asked her about her school. She seemed to respond more to Ronan, laughing at his quips and manner of spinning ghost stories. I was not particularly surprised by this, as he often inadvertently charmed girls with his mysterious ways. I’m the first who has managed to “crack the code,” as he puts it. Santino and Richy… are now graduates. I can still hardly believe it. The last of our good friends to graduate high school. Now everyone will be in college. I am pretty stoked for them, and for us. “Too hot?” Ronan looked over at me as I drove. There he was again, reading my mind before I even realized how I felt. He switched the heater to a lower mode. Driving on empty streets was meditative and relaxing. Dropped Xyrad off at his apartment complex. He hugged Ronan from behind, then me. “Dude, my boobs!” I said loudly. He had wrapped his arms around my chest. Ronan laughed, glancing over at me. “Your boobs will live,” Xyrad said. We bade him bye before I reversed and u-turned. Ronan gazed back at the parking space where I had nearly been towed, making clear his intention to memorize the license plate number of whoever tattled/made my parking a big deal. “Xyrad lied,” Ronan said; he was talking about when Xyrad had told me it should be okay to park in that area. “He doesn’t socialize with his neighbors,” I said. “That’s why.” “Say Something” by Younha had transitioned to “Kiss Kiss” by Kim Hyun Joong, a relaxing R&B song. Ronan had parked in my spot in the afternoon so that he would not get a street sweeping ticket. “I’ll move my car,” he said, gathering his things. He looked about, and even in the compartment where I kept my GPS and lotion. I reached over to hug him, albeit with only one arm. It was getting late, and I was tired. “Good-night,” he told me, gazing over at me as he reached over with his hand. Wait a minute, I thought, as I held his gaze. He briefly ran a palm down the back of my head, but moved quickly away when I reacted and reached towards him. He bounded out of my car. “I’ll – spank – you – “ I made to swat him, but to no avail. He had already petted me in Santino’s room. We were way past even. Ronan hurried over to his car, laughing heartily. I liked seeing this impish Ronan, though. I’ll tell Ricardo to get you, Ronan had told me earlier. Ronan drove by me after u-turning. I rolled down the windows. He was clapping, laughing heartily. He was enjoying himself, which was a wonderful sight. All the same - “I’LL GET YOU!” I shrieked. Ronan chuckled some more, his eyes alight. “Bye.” “Bye.” It was an amusing close to another phenomenal day, colored with pleasant vibes and come-of-age moments. Somehow I was reminded, once again, that life comes full circle. In high school, Ronan was my closest friend, one of the few people I can completely be myself around. I’m thankful for the progress we have made, growing individually but not growing apart. He’s helped me carry on and lay down my fears.

It was a privilege being part of a celebration. I was proud in the moments where Santino and Richy were both donning their red graduation gowns, and the feeling was only nourished by the small speech Santino gave just before cutting the cake. I could feel a new beginning approaching, for us all.

#2012 #June #Ronan #Santino #Xyrad #Graduation #Celebration

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everunbreakable · 4 years

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Friday, June 15, 2012 – Victoria Gardens Adventure

I had the pleasure of partaking in another fun-filled road trip with Ronan. We hit the road for Victoria Gardens, an outdoor shopping center in Rancho Cucamonga. Plenty of memories were made. Ronan seemed affected when I blamed myself for scraping the car, so I tried to be positive and forget about it – which I eventually did. This was probably because Ronan has a knack for soothing my anxiety. On the drive to Victoria Gardens, I asked Ronan how his week had been so far. “It was pretty good. I encountered this car-racing gang. You know those Tokyo Drift people?” Ronan asked me. “Yeah.” “They were racing their cars around, a mixture of different ethnicities.” This had occurred in Fullerton. Ronan had also encountered a Nevadan guy who highly resembled Garrett, and even had that stream of arrogance. “So did you ask your mom what insurance you have yet?” “Oh, yeah. I did. She just said, ‘Oh, I’ll take you there, someday.’ So I was, like, ‘Okayy…’” I laughed. “Maybe she’s in the process of changing insurance or something.” Ronan let me choose songs on his ipod to play through the cassette-dock. When “Love the Way You Lie” played, I asked him what the song was about. It seemed like abuse. “That’s a good question,” Ronan mused. “Have you seen the music video?” “No.” “It’s weird.” The strip mall looked lovely. We entered it through Macy’s. Once we were inside the Apple store, Ronan suggested that we prank call Richy with the iphones on display. I started muttering suggestions in the background ( “Remember last night?”), which Ronan went along with. I laughed particularly hard at his line: “How could you not remember me from last night? I was in your ROOM.” (in his deep, throaty voice) I was also looking up haunted places in Rancho Cucamonga. Confederate soldiers and striped-shirt-donning old men with black dogs appearing on Foothill Blvd, which we passed on the way here. “Looks like we’ll have fun at night,” Ronan said with a smile. I would have been afraid if he wasn’t with me. We walked around for a while, scoping out all the stores in the outdoors mall. Ronan mentioned that Trisha had texted him earlier in the week, something along the lines of “how are you? Hope you’re well.” He’d told Gendry about it, the latter revealing that Trisha had not been in contact with him. I responded by saying that maybe Trisha’s attention was turning to Ronan instead, rather than Gendry. “That’s what Gendry said, too,” Ronan said. I laughed. “Oh, goodness, really? See, so it’s not just me, then.” Didn’t seem like Ronan knew what Trisha was playing at. Crate & Barrel was one of the next stores we raided. Plenty of fancy and unique kitchenware on the first floor, which Ronan and I perused in admiration and wonder. There were desks/office furniture, beds, and couches on the second floor – but we mainly tried the couches. There were quite a few that sucked us in and made us feel utterly unperturbed, even meditative. There was a couch set where one of the couches resembled a bed, while the other had arm rests. After sampling the one that resembled a bed, Ronan moved on to the complementary couch piece and bade me try the former. Ronan talked about how the couch I was sitting on was perfect for many things. “Watching TV, relaxing, sleeping. And for other things…” His voice trailed off. I glanced over at him, waiting for the finish. “Wink,” he said, grinning mischievously at me. I laughed, as did he. “But it’s so rough,” I pointed out, rubbing the couch. “There’d be so much friction.” “That’s what makes it exciting,” Ronan said. I laughed harder. “Now I know what your fetish is!” Ronan chuckled heartily. We were briefly at H&M, but didn’t find anything we could buy Richy or Santino. Ronan was thinking purchasing something for Richy, and creating something for Santino. I thought those were decent ideas, but as it was we still wanted to see what our options were. Ronan hadn’t eaten much earlier, so he when he finally decided to eat the sandwich I made him, we settled in what looked like the heart of Victoria Gardens. We were on stone benches framing a grassy area lined with white picket fences. There were rose bushes to my left. The scene was breathtakingly antique. I told Ronan I expected a stagecoach to materialize in any second, perfectly accentuating the scene. I brought out the crate of strawberries, which we both ate from. Ronan pointed out Ben & Jerry, an ice cream parlor that donated a percentage of all proceeds to charity. I had made a maple syrup and peanut butter sandwich for Ronan, topped with a hint of cinnamon, which he had thought was jam due to its reddish hue. “So what do you think of the peanut butter and maple syrup combination?” “It’s pretty good. You’re becoming a great cook, Christy. It’s good that you’re experimenting more with these things.” I flicked my hand. “Nah, it’s just a sandwich.” “No,” he said gently. The small meal filled him up for a bit; we proceeded to journey through the rest of the mall. We explored more than we actually gift-scoped. I tried to breathe some fresh air into the situation by pointing out that we had opened our eyes up to the unfolding dynamics of a new place, territory that we had not navigated before. It had been an adventure! We ran through the elaborate water fountain as it was off. We’d been gazing at it from afar as we were eating by the picket fence. Ronan suggested running through it, like various other people had been doing... but - “We don’t have any other clothes,” Ronan said. “And these shoes…” I stared at his Converse. “Take them off, then?” “Someone’s going to steal them,” he said. “I’ll jump them!” I exclaimed. I never backed down in a fight when it came to him. He chuckled heartily. Ronan suggested that I go first, knowing I like trying new things; he hesitated behind me, on the other side of the fountain. It was still calm in between water spouts. I gestured for him to cross. “It’s going to turn on when I cross,” he told me. “No, it won’t,” I said bracingly. “Come on, Ronan!” He surprised me by crossing, though slowly at first. He was usually so cautious and hesitant. It felt like a monumental moment. I stared at him in wonder. “Hurry!” I grinned at Ronan, reaching my hands out for him. He made it across, just before the water spouted up again. “Yay!” I cheered. He was grinning, looking pleased. By the library was a statue of William Shakespeare (or perhaps a pertaining character) on a bench next to a skull. Ronan complied when I asked him to take a picture with the statue. He leaned into the crook of Shakespeare(?)’s open arm. I overlapped a leg between Shakespeare’s legs, surprising Ronan. “Sexy,” he later commented when he gazed at this picture of me. It had been fun. Ronan scared me nearly a handful of times when the statue started to creep me out. I was happy to see him laughing so hard, even if I had been frightened consecutively. Ronan ordered chicken pasta at Corner Bakery, where we had a mind-opening conversation. I asked Ronan what his view on optimism was : which was more practical; reality-grounded optimism versus optimism tinged with a bit of delusional belief. He chose the former; on delusions and dream worlds, he reckons a person has to know their limits. I thought that was very well-said. Ronan pointed out the sign in the middle of the table. “Doesn’t that fruit dish look good?” “Yes. It does.” Asked him what his favorite fruits were : watermelons and honeydew. He doesn’t deem pineapple among the best. One of the next topics was Ronan not having any more fun making sexual jokes towards Xyrad, simply because the latter was growing more comfortable with and open to such matters. “I can’t really do anything to him now,” Ronan said. I knew he’d been having much fun messing with Xyrad for years – and me, perhaps even longer. “Well… you can’t really do anything to me, either,” I gently pointed out. He nodded, looking me in the eye. “I know. You’re changing.” I smiled, my eyes tracing the table. Another topic we discussed was my sexuality. It began because I was trying to explain that I’d done breast exams in front of the wall mirror on my closet’s sliding door – and my mistake had been that it was open viewing for the neighbors, whose windows were too close for comfort. Ronan started to laugh, though he kept his mouth closed to prevent food from spewing out. I could tell he was immensely tickled. But he still took another bite. When he managed to reign the laughing just enough to speak, he asked me, in amusement, “Who’s the kinky one now?” “I never said I wasn’t.” I smiled shyly as I watched him eat. “I’m just a little more secretive.” “But you always freaked out towards me and Vicky,” Ronan gently pointed out, still smirking. “Why were you so surprised?” I asked him, meekly. He nudged his spoon into his bowl’s contents. When he spoke, his voice was gentle… very gentle. “Christy, Christy, Christy… you don’t show it much.” When he looked up at me again, I realized I was blushing. Talk turned to other things. When he asked, I described to Ronan the dress I had bought to wear to the 2012 Garden Grove High School graduation. “Ivory, lace, with a bow sash at the waist.” “That’s nice, then,” Ronan praised. “It’ll complement your skin tone.”

I shared some of my favorite optimism-related quotes with him. I asked for his favorite quotations. He told me he’s fond of “Carpe diem” (Seize the day!) as well as “Be the change you want to see in the world” (Gandhi). I shared with him William Blake’s “Kiss the joy as it flies” as well as “The sun sets to rise again” and “Be not afraid of storms, for you are learning how to sail your ship.” We exited Corner Bakery and walked around some more, scouring a lonely little bookstore before stopping to rest near the town square-ish place where we’d sat eating strawberries earlier. We sat at a nice table near the office/administration area, where the surrounding shops had an upstairs level, as indicated by the dark windows just above the glowing lanterns lined across the walls. There was a particularly creepy window that Ronan dared me to take a picture of. He tapped my shoulder as I was gazing up at it, causing me to shriek, which induced his spastic laughter. I started laughing, too. “Enjoying yourself much?” I asked him, still grinning. “Yes.” His eyes looked exquisitely alive as he looked back at me. I laughed some more, savoring the sight of my best friend looking utterly free. “Oh, I remember another one of my favorite quotes now,” Ronan said, leaning against the chair. “’There are no such things as regrets - only experiences.’” “That’s a good one,” I said appreciatively. Ronan nodded. “It’s optimistic as well.” Throughout the day, if our lagging on the gift-scoping ever became apparent, Ronan would point out, “We have five days.” However, as we sat at the table, I was the one who had to reiterate, as it seemed he was becoming a bit more resigned on the matter. “You’re falling back on that now?” Ronan laughed. “Well, might as well, right? Besides, we had an adventure today. We opened our eyes to so many things.” “That’s true.” What Ronan said next was highly amusing. “When it’s the morning of graduation, we’ll both go to Target. ‘Hmm.. do they like erasers? Yes, they need erasers for college.’ “ I laughed; this sort of crazy tangent was not something I often saw from Ronan. I really liked it, and I told him so. I mentioned to Ronan the movie that parodies famous Alfred Hitchcock films. There was a scene that directly parodied “The Birds.” “Ravens, I think it was, hold grudges because they can remember a human face,” I said. “That’s cool,” Ronan mused. “I want a raven, then.” I also told him the story about the guy who was killed by the cock, onto whose leg he had attached a knife to fight another cock in the pit he had forced his cock to jump in, though the sport is illegal. I would hardly call it a sport, though, as it’s animal abuse. “His cock turned around and stabbed him,” I said. Ronan laughed heartily for what felt like a while. There was a vendor near us that sold hats. However, the disembodied doll’s head was out of place. Ronan tried to spook me about it, narrating its journey into my bag and how I would stick my finger into its open mouth. I laughed heartily at how insane he looked as he said all this, his bangs tousled backwards. It made for a charming telling. Before leaving the mall, Ronan led me back to the Shakespearean statue for a picture of the three of us. The anticipation of him scaring me both frightened and amused me, but he didn’t do it. We left Victoria Gardens when it was nearly ten p.m. We both turned on our GPS navigation devices. Before Ronan merged us onto the freeway, we passed through a dark street, both sides of which contained production/factory plants. There was a cross-like thing suspended from I-didn’t-even-know-what. I filmed the eerie scene while Ronan drove. A stench flooded the interior of the car briefly – about a block’s worth, for measurement’s sake. “How is it penetrating your car?” I wondered aloud. “Could it be from the power plants?” “It might not be. There weren’t any clouds from the plants. It smelled like something rotting. Now I know why there was a cross – it was haunted!” Ronan told me that had we gone a bit farther than Victoria Gardens, he could have shown me the place where he and his sister had seen a man on the street before disappearing near Morongo Casino, the ambiance of which marked the settings of past deaths – perhaps of gamblers killing themselves, or each other over financial issues. “That sounds intense,” I said. “Mmmhmmm.” We took the 57 S, which would take us home. However, Ronan accidentally branched off from it when he took the left lane, which we’d been on for a while. We had to exit in Nutwood, which nearly immediately became Diamond Bar. On Colima Rd, I spotted a Boba Time as well as Korean McDonald’s to our right. “That’s crazy,” Ronan commented when I pointed it out. Diamond Bar transitioned to Rowland Heights; we were surrounded on both sides by dark trees that seemed to conceal unseen shapes. It was eerie, but we did eventually merge onto the freeway again. We passed Cal State Fullerton without glimpsing Brea Mall. “That was weird,” Ronan said. “Time warp!” “Maybe the strangeness followed us from Buena Park,” I murmured. Ronan nodded. “Probably.” “Our last two road trips have been somewhat eerie,” I said. “I know, right?” Still, very fun and heartening. It had all happened in a matter of minutes : the “time warp” and zipping through Brea and Fullerton. It was indeed very strange. My GPS actually detected traffic – something it has never done. We got back to his place before eleven. “Well, today as fun,” I said, glancing over at Ronan. “Lots of memories and laughs.” He expressed his agreement before getting out of the car. I followed suit and exited his car; the air that was occupied by his cologne that smelled like the magic lurking in the forest was replaced by colder, summer night air. Ronan was waiting at the back of his car, near mine. I had only taken a step forward when he reached an arm out to hug me, slouching down. “Bye, Christy,” he said, holding me tight with the one arm he had around my upper back. “Drive safely.” I rested my chin on his shoulder. “Bye, Ronan. Thanks for the fun day.” He grunted. “Want me to back out your car for you?” he asked me as we broke the hug. He did it anyway, turning on the emergency flashers before he exited. “Thank you, Ronan.” He watched me, a note of concern on his face, as I shifted gears to exit the neighborhood. It had been another one of my favorite days.

#2012 #June #Victoria Gardens #Rancho Cucamonga #Ronan

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everunbreakable · 4 years

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Friday, June 8, 2012 - First drive in a new ride

One of my favorite days. Me, my best friend Ronan, and my new car. We spanned around 40 miles. He called me just as I got home from Aunt N’s. "Christy, are you ready?" "Mmhmm! I just got home, actually. How do you do that?" Ronan chuckled. "I'm psychic." "I'll bet." "So I'll come over now. Yeah?" "Sounds good. Drive safely!"

Ronan looked spiffy in his new ulzzang glasses, which he whipped out when I walked toward his car. He grinned at me as we hugged. I noticed that Ronan had the same scent in his breath that my father had earlier in the week. "Did you eat yet today?" I asked, looking up at him. "I did. Just a little." "I can tell by your hunger breath." 

We headed towards Rancho HS, where Ronan advised I give Remus some time to hang out with his friends. Remus ended up doing something else; Ronan and I were headed to Ralph B. Regional Park in Buena Park. I'd been driving straight along Dale, then turned left on Lincoln. We soon hit Beach Blvd. Passed by a creepy-looking house with a black-and-white image of a basketball player(?) with his arms outspread like he was being crucified. There was a “pedo-van” in the driveway.  Ronan had not been in the general area we were headed to, while I had only been up at the park for exercising. We hiked around at the park, played at the playground, and ran towards an assembly of bunnies near the batting cages. Ronan beat me at rock climbing. We both laughed it off. Ronan commented, “I don’t think I’d want to live near a park… because when I look out the window, all I’d see is black.”

Back in the car, we scanned for eateries. Buena Park Mall was our next stop, Ronan, who instinctively taps into the mood of things, felt that the mall was a sad place. The gift store we went into first was the most interesting, particularly what I’ll refer to as the R-rated section. I knew that Ronan would enjoy himself as he teased me about all things sex-related. He jokingly told me that he'd buy the fireman sensual doll/toy for my birthday, or the penis squirt gun, or the penis keychains... he even poked me with the inflatable penis, going so far as rubbing its tip against my skin). His chiseled facial features scrunched up because he was laughing so heartily. I couldn't help laughing myself. Found out Ronan wants one of the animal hats with extremely long flaps. He also likes the idea of them giving him an excuse to paw somebody. Who needs an excuse? I thought. Just paw them. Joked about buying the penis gun for Richy’s graduation. “His dad would go crazy,” Ronan said. “It doesn’t help that he knows us all by name,” I added. “Yeah, right… I doubt he remembers me. I don’t even talk to him. You’re the only one who talks to him.” The inside of the mall was rather lonely. It was comparable to La Puente Hills Mall, though the latter at least had Round One to redeem itself. We passed a children’s apparel store, where I was frightened by several realistic kid mannequins. “Oh, no, more kids?!” I exclaimed, spotting the second trio. Ronan was slapping his knee as he chortled. That made me laugh, too. Once in the car, I commented that venturing into Buena Park Mall really made me appreciate the architectural and marketing genius of other malls. "I know, right?" Ronan said. 

Scanned the area with the GPS again; Soy Tofu, where we had a delicious and pleasant dinner, was a gem in the middle of a ghetto area. We skipped Sagan Restaurant on Beach Blvd. I failed to park conveniently. Ronan offered to improve it for me, but once I stepped out to check, I saw that I still made it into the space. Once inside, the pleasantness of the restaurant’s interior washed over me. The chandeliers cast a sleepy glow on the walls. I ordered the seafood tofu stew, while Ronan ordered the dumpling tofu stew. He gave me a dumpling, while I spooned some clams and mussels into his bowl. The eight side dishes were wonderful. The woman who served us was pleasant, even laughed when I thanked her about warning me not to touch the dishes… as they were still hot. We had a nice chat over dinner, everything from Valerie hanging out more with us to career goals. I told Ronan I only wanted to work to support myself and those in need, and pursue other things related to human truth. He had always known how much it meant to me to be able to care for my father. "I can see that," Ronan said. He's sticking with marketing, and thinks it would be cool to work behind the scenes of films and movies. "Suits you," I said. He would fare beautifully. Ronan has discarded the job search. He found out that those who recently got hired at Disneyland applied in January. “I don’t think I can compete.” We forgot to take photos of the food because we were hungry and occupied. Ronan mentioned that Monica's last week of school ends next week. "So we can go eat Korean BBQ, then." "I'm guessing Jared is coming along, too." Ronan told me he found out why Monica and Jared are so close. Monica had been hanging out more with Jared more after Julia cheated on him. My assumption was that she'd wanted to comfort him. "You got this straight from Monica?" I asked him. "No. Hunter. He's been hanging out with them for a while." I told Ronan about Valerie’s dilemma. She was slowly befriending Emily again to avoid having an unhealthy lack of a social life. On the other hand, I wanted her to remember she has options. “She’d be so much better hanging out with us.” “I just hope that she’ll do it because she cares about us,” Ronan said. “Instead of…” “Falling amongst those she can simply settle with?” I prompted. He nodded. He also pointed out that the options Valerie discerned were both unhealthy : being socially isolated vs. hanging out with Emily, who - “Treats her like a boyfriend,” I said. Ronan was not surprised. “I know. I’ve seen her.” Mentioned to Ronan that we’re not theoretically supposed to get along, as our respective elements are fire (me) and water (Ronan). Not that I believed in astrology. “Well, there are exceptions to every rule,” he said with amusement. "That's why it's so special," I said, smiling at him across the table and feeling at peace. We chatted about Quyen as well. I asked Ronan if he felt she was a genuine person. “When she’s nice, is she actually nice?” “I think Quyen has trouble being nice,” Ronan finally said after giving it some thought. I took that in. I trusted his judgement, always. Towards the end of dinner, Ronan kept looking over at me. I asked him if he could get by without wearing prescription glasses, since he was wearing his ulzzang glasses. He said he could. Ronan nudged me to eat more of the side dishes. He was full after finishing his tofu stew and rice. He felt that the place earned the 4.5 rating on Yelp. When we received the check, Ronan laid down a twenty. As our eyes met, I insisted on covering for my portion. He allocated the money I put down towards the tip, still wanting to cover most of it. His smile was gentle as we got up from the table and returned to my car. Ronan agreed with me when I said that the parking lot wasn't that creepy in the dark. Then again, the scenery in the Buena Park/La Palma area was not constant. Not far from us were ghetto haunts. He called Xyrad and asked if he was free; Xyrad would be home at ten-thirty after dropping off his brother and picking up his father from work. I drove while Ronan held my GPS and read directions for me. The streets we encountered had unique names : Moody Street, 189th Street, Westhaven, etc. We wandered around a Target in Cerritos, where Ronan and I paused to gander at some pillow-pet-looking things. Ronan intended on buying the lion, while I picked the pig because it was the lion character's best friend. However - "After looking at the pig for a while, I realize it freaks me out," I said candidly. Ronan laughed spastically for a while, then admitted that he could see my point : The pig's expressionless face led you to wonder, "What d'you want from me?!" I had shown him the “Take Me On” music video by New Heights on Thursday night. He’d liked the song, though he felt the singers needed a few acting lessons. Since my acting isn’t even near mediocre, I didn’t have much of a problem with their presentation. Ronan had converted the song and added it to his ipod. The route back involved passing by the Beach Blvd - Chapman intersection, which was where I lived briefly in a boarding house-ish setup with my father, after my mother died. "I'm glad I moved away," I said. "Why?" "Because of all the cigarette smoke." "Oh, yeah." "There was also that guy upstairs who tried to... take advantage of my vulnerable state, I guess. He tried to come in to the room, but my dad was there... he got scared. I think I told you this." "Yeah, you did. That was creepy." Ronan looked sympathetically at me. "Plus, it was hard for me to hang out with you guys. You guys live in the general Garden Grove-Anaheim radius." "But you did have Santino,” Ronan said, optimistically. “He lived so close, so it wasn't like you were completely isolated." We passed by a dark park; Ronan spotted a “pedo-van” in its deeper depths. "That just adds to the creepy myth that already surrounds their reputation," I laughed. "I know, right?" Hiding from Xyrad was fun, especially since we were snuggled under our pets. Ronan had been the one to call him, on speaker. “Guess where we are,” I whispered; Ronan caught on. “Want to play a game?” Ronan said slyly. “Try and find us.” We were in Xyrad’s complex’s parking lot. Ronan noticed that the back window had fogged up. “Why is it that only the back is fogging up?” “Gee, I wonder what people walking by are going to think,” I said. “SEX,” Ronan said loudly. I struggled to keep a straight face. We both sunk low to the floor and hid under our respective bump-i-doodles. “What was that?” Ronan said, every now and then, from under his lion. I giggled. “This is fun!” We eyed Xyrad without him knowing when he descended from the stairs and proceeded to search the parking lot, finally disappearing (we later found out he had gone to the streets to seek us). Xyrad only found us after we revealed in the second phone call that we were still in my car. Clung to Ronan when the talk of ghosts frightened me.  Apparently the gray blob that he saw followed my car as I pulled out to go. Xyrad laughed like mad when Ronan retold my encounter with the creepy kid mannequins, as well as when Ronan scared me as I was scanning the surroundings after hearing a female voice speak. Ronan put a sexual spin on Xyrad’s text messages in a deep, throaty voice that made me giggle heartily. Showed Xyrad my windshield wipers, which flicked liquid at all the side windows. “You squirt far, Christy,” Ronan quipped. The guy never missed a beat.

After parting ways with Xyrad, I dropped Ronan off at his house. I exited my car and fished around my backpack for my keys. After I slammed the door shut, Ronan said, "Aren't you going to take your pet?" "Oh, right, I forgot." Ronan and I hugged each other, each holding our own bumpidoodles. "Bye, Christy. I had so much fun," Ronan said, holding me close. I was glad to hear that. It had been an adventurous day, definitely one I'll remember fondly. I was glad that I had the chance to take Ronan out, just the two of us, considering how he’s driven me a thousand times already. I probably played a part in running his car down to the ground, quite literally. It was fun… and also heartfelt, just being on the road with him and not really knowing where we were going. Just me and my bestie who helped me see the light, helped me remember its existence, during my darkest hours. I could just be me with him, uninhibited. At the same time, his groundedness and wisdom reassure me in a world where I feel like I am so far behind. I’m boundlessly grateful for how much he’s done for me and the ways he has showed me how to live again. I only hope I can lift him just as high and then some.

#2012 #June #Ronan #Buena Park

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everunbreakable · 4 years

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Saturday, July 28, 2012 – Day after Beach Bonfire

Slept until eleven a.m. this morning. Woke up feeling sore in my arms, shoulders, and back after chopping fire wood with an ax yesterday.

The bonfire ended up with six of us there, but only four of us really bonded.

Richy was not clear on his end of the plan. Valerie was implied second driver, though I wasn’t even aware of that part. Ronan had texted Richy on Thursday. Richy had taken an hour to answer the first text, then had not answered when Ronan asked about the ax. Richy had called me Friday afternoon, before the bonfire, asking about what the plan was. He told me that the ax was in the trailer, which was locked. “So we’ll just be picking you up, then?” I asked him. This was so confusing. “I can’t go yet, actually. If I do, I’d have to take my brother and sister with me, probably.” Ronan was very detailed in planning for this, but there was a lack of effort on their end. My annoyance was likely rooted in my unflinching loyalty and tendency to side with Ronan on everything, grand and trivial I didn’t even know that Valerie was invited, nor did Ronan know her name had shown up on the list he’d compiled. “So did Richy know that we needed his ax?” I asked Ronan later as I drove us. Ronan nodded. “I gave him a week.”

We headed over to Hunter’s, where we ended up chopping the wood with his parents giving advice in the earlier stages. His brother, according to Ronan, was surprisingly “helpful.” Hunter and his brother usually fight a lot.

There was a particular log that the three of us could not crack after taking consecutive turns. I was keen to disassemble it, but my optimism was just that. Ronan christened it the “demon log.” It was queued to be burned first.

When it was Ronan’s turn with the ax, Hunter lounged with me on the patio. In an attempt to make Ronan angry so he could put more effort into chopping the fire wood, Hunter mentioned that he had gone to Lollicup. Ronan had made his way over, playfully swinging the ax. “What – did – you – say?” I burst into laughter.

I helped Hunter get the small cooler down by seizing both sides of the larger cooler it sat on, tipping it so the small cooler could slip down. Hunter, who was standing behind me, caught the small cooler. My hands were still on both sides of the heavier cooler; I was standing on tip toe as I gazed behind me, up at him. “You should get out first,” I told him, trying to sound gentle even though I was already tired. I figured if I roll with the boys, I should try to have their backs in every way. He motioned his head. “You go.” I exited. “You know,” he said behind me. “You just put yourself in a rather awkward position.” I could feel the embarrassment, tinged with amusement, rise in my chest. “Oh! Oops.” “You looked like you liked it from behind.” I burst into a bout of mad giggling, which he echoed with deep chuckling. Ronan, who was in the yard, looked up at us in question. “I don’t want to know what happened between you two in there!”

We ended taking Hunter’s car, since he has more trunk space in the back. Stopped by Valu Plus, where Hunter bought soda and ice for the cooler, in which Ronan and I had stowed our food – his already cooked spaghetti noodles (the actual sauce to be heated later) and my marinaded somen noodles. Hunter succumbed to his cravings and purchased a small bag of Starburst chews. We would later watch two of the strawberry-flavored ones fizzle and burn in the flames. Strawberry, after all, is Hunter’s least favorite flavor.

Ronan and Hunter recalled the memory when Ronan had pressed the button that had opened the sun roof of Hunter’s car and caused all sorts of rubble to rain down on them. “My car doesn’t like you,” Hunter said. “But it’s just not doing anything because Christy’s here.” “Just like when Ronan made it across the fountain, even though he thought it would turn on,” I said. “But it didn’t turn on. And it was because of me.” Ronan laughed.

Mentioned that I had thought of bringing soju, which I had never tried before. “Do you know how it tastes?” I asked. “No, I’ve never tried it,” Ronan said. “But you can. You’re twenty-one. I’ve always wanted to try the fruit-flavored soju…” Ronan’s tried a variety of drinks, many of which others have enjoyed for the effect they have yielded. “I hate the taste of alcohol, though,” he said. The mention of alcoholic beverages led to talk of Las Vegas once Ronan turned twenty-one. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

We claimed a free pit near the restrooms as well as Kokomo’s Grill Bar. Xyrad would be joining us after work, by bus. Richy and Valerie would be arriving “eventually.” I stayed by the pit with their backpacks while Hunter and Ronan went back to the car to fetch the wood and the cooler. Ronan held his phone out to me. “Here, you want to call them? Or just hang on to it.” I reached out and grasped it. “Or you can call me?” I had left my phone in my car, again. When Hunter returned with the wood, I got up. “Here, you should rest.” He shook his head. “But you already – “ “No, sit!” Hunter insisted. He disappeared to the car again. Ronan had yet to trek across the steps dragging the cooler as well as holding the bag containing the lighter fluid. I ran across the sand to help him carry the bag. I reached for the cooler as well, but Ronan refused. “No. It’s heavy.” Hunter returned with the rest of the wood. We assembled some of the logs around and in the pit.

Ronan and Hunter lay down on their respective towels in the sand. Ronan had asked me if I wanted to go with them by the Metro to Glendale. “What’s in Glendale?” I asked, curious. “Stuff.” Ronan looked down at his towel. “It’s beautiful, actually. I’ll show you.” I silently nodded. “It’s a surprise,” he finally said, smiling. I laughed. “That’s funny, coming from someone who doesn’t like surprises.” “Why’d you wear stockings to the beach, Christy?” Ronan asked. “To prevent burning.”

Hunter asked if I wanted to lay down. I was surprised he was offering. I declined, saying I would only get tired. I started to dig in the sand to find something interesting. Ronan uncovered something with his toe. “What is it, Christy?” It was a piece of metal that looked like it was half of a nail clipper. He placed it aside to toss it into the fire later. Hunter and I talked about animals while Ronan went to the bathroom. He sure knows a lot from the animal programs his father is fond of watching. Many animals function in harem-style groups.

Ronan had not worn his glasses because he was not doing any of the day’s driving. Instead, he donned a pair of sunglasses that made everything looked like it was cast in a soothingly evening light.

I asked him for an update on his mother’s situation; he told me she was fine.

Hunter started the fire while I dug a small trench, in which we were looking to bury him later – horizontally, by his preference. Ronan switched between helping us – me with digging, Hunter with the fire. “You’re seriously going through with this?” Ronan asked, as I dug. “Of course. You should know me by now.” He handed me the bottle cap to dug with, then the metal piece he’d found earlier. “It’s faster,” he said. I finished furiously quick.

Xyrad arrived at around seven p.m. with hot dogs and apples. He had just gotten out of work, but his late arrival would be compensated by the fact that he would be able to stay late. He didn’t have an opening shift the next morning, fortunately. Hunter was intent on eating the spaghetti once Ronan heated up the sauce. “If we end up having to eat cold noodles, you’re walking home!” Hunter said. “What about my noodles?” I pointed out. “They’re cold.” “They’re supposed to be like that, aren’t they? I’ll make an exception this time.”

Xyrad threw the metal nail-clipper thing from earlier into the fire. We didn’t see where it landed.

We started eating some of my somen noodles, but they were cold. Hunter and Xyrad were adamant on eating the spaghetti. It started to get dark without my noticing. “Half moon,” Hunter said, nodding at the sky. “Quarter moon,” Xyrad corrected. “With my vision, it’s also a half moon,” I said; Ronan laughed. “Every time there’s a full moon, someone dies,” Hunter said. “Christy, want to help me cook?” Ronan asked me, while I was wolfing down my second helping of somen. “Okay.” “Just finish it. I’ll wait for you.” Ronan took out a small pan, into which he poured the basil-based sauce, which I exhibited familiarity/willingness towards. I stirred, while he held the pan over the flames. Richy had called Xyrad around nine p.m. He and Valerie were on their way. “What’s the point of them coming?” Ronan said, his brows raised. “By the time they get here, we’ll be closing shop,” Hunter said. I silently agreed. “It’s a good thing we didn’t wait for them until we started cooking,” I said, looking over at Xyrad. “I meant cooking the hot dogs!” he protested. “It just came down to trying Ronan’s patience,” Hunter commented. “I could have waited all night,” Ronan murmured. I believed that. One of the groups near us was exchanging stories. A guy with a booming voice was narrating a particularly amusing encounter with a spider. “There’s a spider over there! No, wait, it’s over there! Oh… guess we’re not sleeping tonight.” A boom to our right indicated that someone among the teenage boys had thrown something in the fire. Ronan guessed it was the lighter fluid bottle, while Xyrad ventured that it was a battery. Ronan’s spaghetti sauce, into which he drowned some precooked chicken, turned out delicious – more so topping the whole grain pasta he’d brought. “Thanks for the spaghetti, Ronan,” I said gently, placing my hand on his shoulder. “It’s fine,” Ronan replied, smiling gently at me, the rolling fire reflected in his eyes. “Ronan, you’re wonderful,” Xyrad said. “You should give him a hug and a big kiss,” I urged playfully. “You should give Hunter a big hug,” Ronan said to Xyrad. “And a kiss.” “You chose the sauce,” I said to Xyrad, riding Ronan’s wave. “You did, too,” Xyrad threw back. He turned back to Hunter. “So you have to kiss her, too!” “I don’t mind that,” Hunter said, glancing at me. Surprised and momentarily speechless, I looked over at Ronan. He was eyeing the fire, the dancing flames reflecting golden off his tan skin. He wasn’t the least bit surprised; he’d told me before why Hunter’s nice to me. He was silently observing, taking things in. Hunter eyed me, steadily. “You’d wash off the bad taste of having to kiss these two.” My laughter was short-lived. It was not grounded in amusement as much as it served to veil my slight discomfort. I remained sitting by Ronan as he patiently stoked the flames. Hunter was still hungry, so he attempted to cook one of the sausages over the fire, sticking it into the flames via chopstick. It was an amusing, yet worrying sight. He’d burned himself several times by the time the night ended.

Ronan drenched one of the logs in lighter fluid. Seeing it burst into furious, empowering flames was fun and exhilarating.

Richy called Xyrad again, once he and Valerie had parked. “Just tell them to go home,” Ronan said in his usual blunt manner. “There’s no point.” I couldn’t see this particular dynamic of the night having a pretty close; they had come all this way. Valerie hadn’t even been invited by Ronan. Unless they joined us at In-N-Out (Hunter and Xyrad wanted warm food), they had no other choice but to go home. We would be leaving the beach once it closed.

“Can I have an apple?” I asked Xyrad. Ronan had already obtained his. “Yes, you can – before I shove it down your throat!” I laughed. I can’t remember the dialog that followed that led him to call me “really pushy.” We were in the middle of packing up our things when Richy and Valerie arrived. “There you are!” Xyrad called. He was the only one. I think Hunter said something, too – but Ronan and I were silent. I was always on his team. Something felt strange. They weren’t really speaking to us. They were speaking to Xyrad, mostly. Valerie had a glow stick. We started walking towards Hunter’s car; I was behind Hunter and Ronan. Our fire was still burning, meekly, behind us. “Oh, I guess we’re off,” Xyrad said behind me. Though Richy is Xyrad’s cousin, they’re not that close. That said, Xyrad regards his friends as his chosen family. It was not my intention to snub Valerie or Richy by not talking to them. But they had not say hi, and they were coming off as a bit stiff. My recent bout of hunger was now quenched, but I was still exhausted. My shoulders and back were sore from chopping wood earlier. At the edge of my eye, I saw Richy and Valerie behind us, making their way up the small stairs. Valerie was idly waving her glow stick. “Everybody who’s with me, get in the car!” Hunter said. I climbed in behind him. Xyrad was still talking to Richy and Valerie. I glanced over at them, not knowing what to say. Richy and Valerie passed Ronan, who was putting stuff in the trunk. “So you guys are going to In-N-Out?” I heard Richy ask him. “Yeah. Are you guys going?” I saw Richy shrug his shoulders as he walked away with Valerie. I turned to Xyrad, who sat next to me, as Ronan settled in shotgun position. “Why do they look so - ?” “Glum?” Xyrad finished. I nodded. “Because they just got here, and everything’s over.” Glum was a bit of an understatement, I silently thought. There was much more lurking in the undercurrent. I sensed miscommunication brewing. I had no idea what their perspective was, beyond what Xyrad said. But did I care enough to make an effort? I wasn’t sure. It depended on Ronan. We passed Valerie and Richy in the car. Ronan wondered aloud if we should drive them to their car. Hunter pointed out that there wouldn’t be enough room for both of them. That was the truth, and it was trailed by silence. I gazed back at Richy and Valerie as we passed them, and I had a strange feeling it would be the last time we’d see them in a while. It was hard to believe that just a few weeks ago, we had gone to Blackstar Canyon with Richy… had had a tremendously fun time. As for Valerie, the last time I saw her was… gosh, when did I last see her? Graduation celebration at Andrew’s house, back in June. Just before the truth about senior year was revealed to them.

The heater was turned on; Ronan asked if I could feel it in the back. “Not really,” I said rather meekly. He adjusted it for me until I felt warm enough.

“It’s too warm in here to get out,” I said, once we pulled up to In-N-Out. Ronan looked back at me from where he sat in shotgun. “I’ll stay with you. I have no money, anyway.” Hunter and Xyrad exited; as they did so, they let in the cold air. Ronan turned on the heater again, despite Hunter protesting that it would drain his battery. “Can you feel it?” Ronan asked me, checking the spot in front of my feet, under Hunter’s chair. I confirmed that I could. It wasn’t a problem, anyway, so long as we were inside the car. There was no point in going inside anyway, considering we weren’t ordering anything. Ronan and I chatted. “Do you think they’re coming?” He was referring to Richy and Valerie. I shook my head. “I don’t think so.” “I don’t think so, either.” I had not looked at their faces. “I didn’t look, either,” Ronan said. “I could feel the negativity coming from them.” “Even I could feel it,” I said. I could be unemotional about most things. “The immensity of it must’ve been quadruple for you.” “Oh, yeah.” “What’s going on, anyway?” I sighed. “She couldn’t possibly be mad about that week, still? It was over a month ago!” I went on about Richy. “I’ve never seen Richy like that.” “He’s changing,” Ronan said. Then, in a sing song voice, perhaps to lighten things up : “For the worst!” I laughed. “Yeah, well… Valerie is his priority. I guess that’s understandable.” Ronan didn’t say anything to follow. He looked thoughtful as his eyes shifted sideways. He turned the heater off once the cold wasn’t so heavy on us. I told him about having watched a scary scene where someone had written “I see you” on the fogged-up back window of a car. Ronan laughed. We both agreed that the day had been fun, though it had a shaky start and close once Valerie and Richy arrived.

I suppose I know how Valerie feels… not really having a social group. I remember she used to eat by herself before I asked her to sit with us at lunch. She’d joined us sometime in junior year. Ronan and Valerie had done some projects together. I had shared music with her. We had all had a lot of laughs together – but it had not impacted me deeply. We were ordinary friends. I can understand she has gone through emotional currents, what with having a ridiculous friendship with a controlling, manipulative weirdo. But I’m done with feeling guilty. Why the hell should I feel guilty? Fast forward to the present, and I was now sitting in a station wagon – with no one else other than the guy who I had nearly ended things on a sour note with. Why we stuck around each other for so long, through it all, I have no idea. But as painful as the almost was, I prefer it over cutting the cord… and finishing things. There wasn’t anything worth ending our friendship over, anyway. It was a series of misunderstandings that built up over time, added with our lack of directly addressing the matter. Our separate perspectives were left in the undercurrent for so long. I was aware of Ronan avoiding eye contact with me even while he was talking to me… blocking me out even after we had gone back to hanging out, being physically around each other but worlds apart. But I was always on his side, I knew that. I had let it be as we both put forth effort to reconnect, and we moved past it successfully .

Xyrad and Hunter returned with their orders. Ronan ate some of Hunter’s fries. “It’s warmer inside,” Xyrad told us, referring to the interior of the fast food restaurant. “It’s not worth the walk,” I said. Ronan echoed his agreement. I knew he was warmer than me, though. It was nice of him to stay back in the car.

Hunter went back inside to use the restrooms. I asked Xyrad, playfully, what became of the guy who he called out to during the drive to sushi with Quyen on her birthday. We had also hung out with Sue and David, Quyen’s little brother. “He broke up with me last week,” Xyrad said in a jokingly shaky voice. Jokes followed about rebound sex. “I need a hero,” Xyrad said. “I need a hero, too,” I said. “Be each other’s hero,” Ronan said. “I already have a hero,” I said. Ronan became quiet again, looking off at the dashboard. “Ooh, who is he?” Xyrad asked, in a way that put a scandalous spin on whatever answer I had. “Not in that way!” “Oh, who is she, then?” I reached into my camisole. “Where’s my necklace… aha!” I unveiled my Buddha necklace. “Buddha!” “Buddha is not a she!” Xyrad protested. Ronan glanced back at us; he had gone silent after I said I already had a hero. “Who said? Buddha can be a she…” “Because you said ‘not in that way,’” Xyrad said. “Because you made it sound sexual!” The drive inland was humorous. We passed a place called The Fight Shop. “Wonder what that is,” I murmured. “It’s like Fight Club,” Xyrad said. “I’d like two uppercuts, and a haymaker.” He whisked his face around as he mimed being struck by his order. “That was good… I’d like another one, sir!” “What’s going on back there?” Ronan asked from shotgun. “Is Christy being domineering again?” I laughed.

Xyrad poking my “firm thighs” made me protest. I saw Ronan and Hunter exchange glances in the front. “I’m not even going to look back there,” Ronan said. “I don’t consent!” I said loudly. “You don’t have to consent,” Xyrad shot back. The whole car erupted in laughter. “Where’s Mr. Abs of Steel when I need him?” I whined. “Don’t worry, Christy,” Ronan said. “We’re about to pass by his house.”

“Seems like you’ve been a lot of places, Xyrad,” I initiated. “First Fight Shop… what’ve you done at Party City?” We passed the costume store. “I couldn’t do much.” “What’d you try to start?” “I tried to do balloon animals.” “I never knew, Xyrad.” “Kinky,” Ronan commented. Xyrad proceeded to fake-cry. “I tried to do a snake, and I got a giraffe!” We all laughed. “That’s a good one.” I could hear the amusement in Ronan’s voice.

Ronan expressed interest in throwing a battery into the flames next time. “Look it up on Youtube,” Xyrad advised him. “Compare what you’d expect to see from an Energizer explosion versus a Duracell explosion.” “What?” Ronan sounded like the logic of that was lost on him. “What does the brand have to do with anything?” I asked. “How about Double A explosions versus Triple A explosions?” “That makes more sense,” Ronan said, looking back at me. “You should look up copper-based versus alkaline-based,” Hunter advised. This, to me, made the most sense. It wasn’t every day I witnessed someone triumphing over Xyrad in a logical argument. Xyrad correcting Hunter’s grammar later earned him a “Don’t correct me!” “I always correct people,” Xyrad said. Hunter drove us back to his place, where Xyrad made a joke about some guy watching us when Hunter pulled up to us as we were in my car, waiting for me to back out of the spot. Stuck my hand out the open window and waved shakily to Hunter. “Bye.” Xyrad burst into laughter behind me. “What was that?” “What do you mean?” I asked, unfazed. “Like he can hear you!” Xyrad proceeded to wave to Hunter in a smoother manner than I did. “You forgot to hug him,” I said. “You forgot to kiss him.” I knew Ronan would say that. “He needs kissin’!” “Exactly, and that’s plural … You didn’t hug him,” Xyrad said. “Well, I forgot, too.” “See!” Not like I really wanted to hug Hunter all that much, much less kiss him. The one time I did hug him good-night was awkward and hilarious. I drove the three of us back towards Xyrad’s place. Xyrad grabbed both of my shoulders from behind, making me scream. He burst into laughter. “Xyrad!” Ronan said, defending me. “Alejandro” by Lady Gaga started playing. Ronan and I started singing to it, as a way of taunting Xyrad. “Wow, he has no reaction.” I stared into the rearview mirror. Ronan turned around. “Xyrad, we’re singing for you! Show some appreciation. Common courtesy, yo.” “What? This song is so depressing for me… I’m all about heartbreak.” “No,” I protested, trying to point out the bright side for him. “You had… a good birthday – “ “What? You need to speak up - ” “YOU HAD A GOOD BIRTHDAY!” Ronan bellowed, abruptly. “DAMN!” His eyes swam with a lightheartedness not usually seen, but his face was straighter than mine would have been in such a situation. I started to giggle. I didn’t usually see Ronan like this, though this was not the first time his humor bordered on slapstick and nonsensical. I could recall when he first took me to Craig Park, where he’d spent his childhood afternoons after his sister finished class at Cal State Fullerton. He had hung from the monkey bars and behaved outlandishly – not that I had a problem with it. It was nice and rare to see him freeing himself. Ronan was usually the one to raise his brow at me whenever I behaved erratically. I laughed some more as he shed his skin. Ronan continued to scream before finishing with a shout : “My throat hurts! Look what you did!” “You have to comfort Ronan now,” I told Xyrad, somehow managing a straight face. Pulled into an unoccupied reserved parking spot in Xyrad’s complex. Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” was playing. “I love it when they play this as we’re closing at work,” Xyrad gushed. One of his female coworkers knows the entire dance number. “That’s cool,” Ronan commented. “Even the part where he flicks his leg onto the pool table and stuff?” I asked. “Yeah, except we don’t have a pool table.” I giggled madly, which made Xyrad laugh heartily. It was a good night. Xyrad got out. “No goodbye hugs?” “No, because you molest people!” “What? I don’t…” Now it was off to Ronan’s. “Should we go to Santa Monica next week?” Ronan asked me. “That sounds good. On a weekend?” I said. “Not sure, I’ll check the weather.” He asked if I’d seen the latest episode of “Final Witness,” to which I replied no. “I feel guilty if I’m sitting still without being productive… haven’t had much time to work out, either.” “You can work out anywhere. Use what you have around you.” Good advice, as usual. “Fader” by The Temper Trap played, which reminded me of “Vampire Diaries,” which boasted an impressive soundtrack despite being an unsavory show by my standards. “Do you ever watch it?” I asked Ronan. “Sometimes, if it’s on. It’s okay. I like the songs in it, but I don’t know what they are.” “Look up the episode number, maybe?” “I don’t know the episodes,” Ronan laughed. He hugged me tight before exiting my car and entering his house.

#2012 #July #Bonfire #Ronan #Hunter #Xyrad

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everunbreakable · 4 years

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Sunday, January 19, 2014 - After the winter party

Today I am still ill, and woke up with a dry throat once more. I still felt like going for a ride, though on my old bike. I swung by Target first. I saw a book that caught my interest. Hyperbole and a Half. It's something that I plan on reading. However, with school starting soon, I wanted to make Lord of the Rings priority on the reading list. This way I would be able to watch the movies with Renly. My next stop was the bank. I wrapped up quickly. On the way back, I discovered that I did not have water... and I was aching for it. I decided to take a shortcut home, the route I used to take when I attended class by the beach. I trekked across West into Comstock, a small street on which I recalled Hop, an old classmate, lived. I passed by a car with its driver's window down, and heard music sounding from it. But not blaring. I didn't look inside. But then I heard my name. "Christy!" When I turned back, I noticed that I was perhaps no less than ten yards from Renly's car. Whaaaaat? He was leaning his head out, grinning at me. "Hi." Hi indeed. I didn't expect to run into anyone I knew as I was spacing out. Come to think of it, I didn't usually run into anyone while on a bike ride. I was usually in my zone. "What are the odds?" I finally said. The last time I had an unplanned encounter with Renly, he had inadvertently discouraged a black guy on a bike from soliciting a hug from me. I pedaled to a stop beside his window. "It's nice seeing you," he said, grinning at me. It wasn't awkward, but it was unexpected. I grinned back. "You, too. Are you, uh, waiting for someone?" "No, I'm just listening to music. My mom wanted me to go to church. This is what I usually do. And this is the neighborhood I usually stop at, if I don't have anywhere else to go." I nodded. "If it works for you." "Yeah, I guess whatever works for me. So where'd you come from?" "I was just checking out books at Target, and then I went to the bank." "So you're on your way home?" "Pretty much. I realized I stretched myself too thin with the ride, since I'm sick." "Oh, you're sick?" I nodded. "You didn't hear me until the second time I called your name," Renly said. "I was spacing out." "You didn't recognize my car?" Renly asked me, looking gently surprised. I shook my head. "I didn't notice. I didn't look. I was vegetizing on my bike." He chuckled. "Do you want to join me?" "I don't want to contaminate you with my germs." "You won't. I don't care, anyway." "You sneezed yesterday." "I sneezed twice yesterday," he gently pointed out. "My sneezes come and go, they don't mean I'm sick." He opened the front passenger door. "Join me. You can put your bike on the grass. Or in front of my car." "Yeah, because that's someone else's lawn." I propped my bike up in front of his car. I crouched down to put the kickstand in place. When I rose again, Renly was watching my progress through his windshield window. I didn't want to bother him. We had both been in our respective elements, in the midst of unwinding and wandering. But I did enter his car, and we both adjusted our chairs back so we could recline. Renly clicked open the old-fashioned seatbelt diagonally in front of me, so that it wasn't trapping me. This was familiar, parking in a random neighborhood. I was reminded of fall 2012, when we pulled over somewhere and I told Renly about what Santino had done. Renly and I have intriguing conversations. This was no exception. I asked him why he didn't simply tell his mother why he didn't want to go to church. "My family is very intolerant of many things." "I notice that there's a high power distance between the kids in your family and your parents. You can't be chummy with them." I looked over at him when I put forth this observation. "You'e spot on. I can't joke around with them." He went on to tell me that his parents were inconsistent with enforcing their ideals, so he couldn't find a solid structure to work with. "My mother is a very moody person," Renly said. He had simply been thrown into adulthood, and he was frustrated with the transition. "It's not an overnight thing." I told him. I wanted to say more, but my brain seemed to be clouded. I silently vowed to help him, though, since he's been such an amazing friend. Renly also mentioned that his parents had rewarded him and his siblings despite them putting in minimal effort. "That can have its pros," I said optimistically. "I feel that the cons outweigh the pros, though." I didn't follow with a rosier spin on it, since no one would know his situation better than him. "Maybe they only enforce them when they have energy," I said. "Maybe." "My parents were pretty slack." I smiled at the memories. "You still turned out pretty well, though. You manage to stay on top of things." "I have no choice." "Exactly. You have no choice." "I told you what happened to my mother." "Yeah." And I knew from his patient, affirming tone that Renly remembered. "She needed an anchor. I was it." My voice didn't waver. I didn't break down upon reflection. Renly patiently listened. "I've never struggled. Struggle builds character." Talk turned to my inability to focus on other people when I was in pain last year. "How is that a bad thing?" Renly patiently prodded. "You have to put your needs first. That's how you build a strong foundation. If you don't have that strong foundation, everything else is unstable." "Topsy turvy?" I asked. "Topsy turvy," he agreed. He paused. "You should never doubt your own ability to get through something. You'll always find a way. From what I can see, you do a pretty good job of picking yourself up again. You should be proud of that." If I wasn't halfway gone from my cold, I would have developed a lump in my throat. Christy, you wussy, I thought to myself. Renly stated that he is pretty content with who he is as a person, which I was very glad to hear. I've always known him to be self-confident, strong-willed, and bold. He's inspirational.

"It's a good thing none of us are homosexual," Renly said when we were discussing his parents and their ideals.

"When I'm sick, I'm caught in limbo between productivity and passing out," I said. "That must frustrate you." "I find something to do. That's how I finished the first book of Lord of the Rings." "Oh, you read while you were sick?"

Renly asked if I wanted to go home and rest. I exited the car, all smiles. "I'll see you Saturday, then," I said. "When I'm more alert and less of a vegetable." "I don't mind that," Renly protested. I turned back. "Guess I'll see you, then. It's always nice to run into you." "Same here," Renly returned. I smiled. "Bye, then." "Bike safe." I smiled. "I will. Call me next weekend when you're free." "I will."

Renly's a good friend. An awesome friend, in fact. Maybe my running into him today solidified the reminder that I still have people who care about me, people to focus on. He’s struggling to make that transition to adulthood. I want to help him, somehow.

Things are different now. It’s time to move on.

Hanging out at Trisha’s… it was familiar, and yet it was different. As I evolve and my needs change, my relationships change. It’s a given.

I want to be the best person I can be, and I need to be around people who share my ideals to some extent.

Life will always get better. I had been lost until that conversation today, somehow. I will strive to lead a life of integrity, intellectualism, productivity, and adventure.

What are the odds I would run into a dear friend on what I had expected to be a mundane Sunday afternoon? That was like something straight out of a movie. The most coincidental of all coincidences? Either way, it was nice. I have a feeling this is only the beginning of a fantastic adventure.

#2014 #January #Renly #car conversations

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everunbreakable · 4 years

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Tuesday, May 8, 2012 - Craig Park & School

Hung out with Ronan on Saturday. He watched “The Avengers” with Hunter on Friday. He’d called me after it was over, wondering if I wanted to bother Remus with him. But once we realized the kid was probably already busy with his own plans, Ronan called it off. Asked if he’d be doing anything the next day. He wasn’t sure. Hunter looked bored, according to Ronan, once the latter was almost hanging up.

Come to think of it, I haven’t seen hide or hair of Remus for over a month now. I was in the middle of my report for business communication when Ronan called me on Saturday, asking if I wanted to bother Hunter, who recently got his Internet back. “Or we could go to the park beforehand and then go to his house,” Ronan said, sounding hopeful. I told Ronan I had to marinade the sesame udon I was making. He said he’ll call me back about which park to go to. I finished throwing everything together. Ronan called back and noted that Hunter wasn’t picking up the phone. “He always does this,” Ronan said. “When he gets a new game or something that he’s into…” “Well, that’s mean… and I thought he was supposed to be saving money!” “We could still go to Craig Park in Brea, if you want.” “Okay, then.” “Alright. Get ready, then. Bye…” Threw a jacket in a camping backpack, along with a small tub of the udon I’d just made, a carton of organic soy milk, and my shoulder bag. I called him once I reached his house. Ronan came out with two Styrofoam cups. He nodded at me. “Hey. I brought water.” “Why’d you bring water?” I asked. “Because you forgot to bring it.” His tone was matter-of-fact. I laughed right out loud. Ronan knows me so well. I wheeled my bike in to his yard. “Do you want to bring your bike, or do you just want to walk around the park?” Ronan asked me. “Walking around is fine.” I smiled at him.

I called Hunter in the car, on speaker. He didn’t know my new number yet. To my surprise, he picked up. “Ass,” Ronan immediately said. Hunter had not picked up when Ronan called. “Hello?” came Hunter’s voice. A few more words were exchanged before it was evident that Hunter had no idea he was speaking to. “Why did you pick up if you don’t know who I am?” I asked, amused. “That’s a good question,” Hunter returned. I started to giggle. “Hunter, I just saw you, like, a few weeks ago!” I surmised he was not familiar with my phone voice. He hung up on me, though I continued to talk to the silence, unaware. It was so odd that he picked up when a strange number called, but not when Ronan called. Though it had been an amusing exchange, I still felt bad for Ronan. Walked around the park after I laughingly asked why Ronan’s wheels would need to be turned away from the curb. We spanned several hills, sang a few songs, noted the interesting deviation of ducks and the multiple squirrels. Ronan and I walked to this remote-looking corner in the park where there were some lizard tunnels. One lizard that ogled us moved, while a quick movement at one of the holes indicated that it had an inhabitant. Ronan dared me to poke a stick into the hole, ever so slightly. “A whole swarm of lizards comes out,” he joked. I laughed. I inched it in, my other hand clutching one of the wooden poles. Ronan made a weird noise and touched my hand, causing me to shriek. Ronan immediately clapped his hands, laughing heartily. I was glad to see him so amused and free-spirited, so I laughed along as well. I didn’t often see him so loosened up unless I was around. I didn’t mind that he extracted amusement from teasing me. Once I stopped laughing, I stuck my hand into the hole and swept away the leaves. “Really, Christy?” Ronan said. “What’s the worst that could happen?” I offered him. Ronan’s second laugh made me jump up in fright, which made him laugh even harder. “What happened? I thought you weren’t scared.” He grinned at me, eyes bright. “Of course I’m scared… but I’m still going to do it.” “Oh, my God…” I could hear the admiration in his tone. “Christy Scare Count?” I asked. “I lost track. My right ear is deaf now.” I laughed.

We settled on the grass after a while. It was peaceful to just lay there, staring at the mixture of tree branches, leaves, and clear blue sky above. The best part was having my best friend next to me, talking about anything that came to mind… I told him about how Quyen’s birthday celebration went. I asked about his classes, summer plans…. Ronan reckons he’s going to focus on school during summer. Later he said that he’s considering interning for Disneyland during fall, to get something on his resume. I hope that goes well for him. I suggested that we spend July Fourth at the beach watching the fireworks. “Oh, with your family?” Ronan asked, looking over at me with with one arm braced behind his head as a pillow. “No,” I said. “I get… burned out.” “Yeah… I think we should go with our own group this year.” Ronan doesn’t go down to San Diego with his cousins anymore for Independence Day. Ronan tried my sesame udon before we left the park. “Good job.” Except he only ate the bell pepper, because I’d told him to taste it. Oopsies. Upon the second bite, udon noodles and all, he suggested marinading the noodles a few hours ahead.

Ronan forgot to release the hand brake, and right when he did as he drove, a siren sounded. He looked like his heart stopped, so I rubbed his shoulder. I hope his brakes are alright. I made a note to check with him this Saturday about it. On the freeway, Ronan noted that it would be a full moon tonight. We marveled at how artificial the sun looked.

Ronan and I discussed Hunter, who wants a gamer girl that looks nice. “But what if she asks the same of him?” I blurted out. Anyone else might have deemed my question rude, but Ronan merely laughed, tapping the wheel with his palm. “You should ask him.” I expressed my doubt that Hunter gets the chance to really reflect on these things. “Then this’ll be his opportunity,” Ronan said.

Ronan also suggested I ask Hunter why the latter is nice to me. He started to say it, but stopped. “Nah, it’ll sound weird.” I pinched a part of his shirt from his shoulder, gently nudging him. “Come on, say it… Oh, I think I get it. Does it have to do with my gender?” “Well, no…” Ronan finally relented. “It’s because he has an Asian-girl fetish. Just like Jared. That’s why he’s [Jared] so nice to you guys.” “He’s nice to me? Gosh, I never noticed.” “Well, he’s nicer to you than he is to me.” Ronan’s observation on Jared at the tea house outing last December shed insight on the strangeness of it all. Jared only spoke to Ronan if Ronan was speaking to Monica. “It’s like he’s scared I’ll … do something … I dunno.” Well, Ronan has an eye for these things, certainly more than I do. I used to think that perhaps Jared isn't so open with everyone because of his self-esteem issues.

Got flashed by a kid at Downtown Disney. That was funny. At first I thought he’d been embarrassed by me laughing at his breakdancing, until he raised his shirt to expose his bare chest and stomach without breaking eye contact with me. I felt the heat surge in my cheeks as my jaw dropped. Looking over at Ronan, I emitted a nervous laugh because I didn’t know what else to do. Ronan was chuckling as well, his eyes twinkling in amusement. “He loves you.”

It was quite an experience watching the fireworks with Ronan. The show was longer than I expected. At every shooting star, we were both convinced that it was over… only to realize there were more displays next, each all the more elaborate and vibrant. The finale was breathtaking.

I didn’t want to go home once we were back at Ronan’s driveway, so I just stood there talking to him for a while. He chuckled gently when I said I was reluctant to leave, not unlike how someone reacts to a young, perhaps adorable child. I didn’t want our time together to end, though we’d been out the entire day. He had asked if I wanted him to drive me home, but I said, “Don’t waste your gas.” I almost could not hear his “okay,” so guttural and low it was. He knew that I needed to rely on my own strength sometimes because I feared the thought of overly depending on another person. It wasn’t until later that I realized where this sudden reassurance came from, though. Ronan had wheeled my bike out for me, something Hunter usually did. Ronan showed me the solar-powered lights to the side of his house. He has some in front of his house as well, though of different hue and size. “Well, today was fun,” I said. Ronan nodded at me, his jaw muscles crinkling as his eyes softened. “I’m surprised you asked me to go to the park today,” I said. There was this flash of compassionate affection in Ronan’s eyes that I did not anticipate. It lingered in his eyes as we spoke in the darkness. Talked a bit before Ronan said he’d head in to help his mom cook. He wrapped me up in a hug. “We could go shopping, if you want,” he told me. This was in reference to preparing for the bonfire at Richy’s. “Okay, then.” With the clanging of Ronan’s keys behind me, I trekked off into the night on my bike. I remember something Ronan said to me the previous week. “We’re not going to leave you, Christy. You’re a good person.” And another line, from a separate conversation : “I hate breaking promises, which is why I rarely make them.”

This could be why I ran into Ronan again yesterday, on Monday. Funniest thing. He was next to me for a while, in his cubicle, before I got up and found myself face to face with him. He burst into laughter when our eyes met, of course. He had noticed me way before I detected his presence. I sat with him for a while. I guess he noticed how intent I’d been, to the point of not noticing that there was a person next to me when there were empty seats all around. “What were you doing on your laptop?” he asked, raising his brows. “Writing,” I said truthfully. “I thought you were watching ‘The Room,’ he said, mentioning the title of the movie we’d discussed over the weekend. “By the way, I thought it was called ‘The Door.’ “ I laughed, then asked how he spotted me. “I was about to go to the bathroom,” Ronan said. “But then for some reason, I felt like coming this way.” “You have ESPN or something,” I smiled; he grinned. I got up to leave for accounting class; I hooked an arm around Ronan’s neck and embraced him before I walked off to the stairs. Class, it turned out, was cancelled. I returned to spend the rest of the time with Ronan. “What took you so long?” he asked me, once I told him. “My group mate,” I said, referring to Jennifer, who had called me over. She’d been sitting outside the classroom. “She texted my old phone, and I had to tell her about the stupid story of it getting run over… so embarrassing.” Ronan chuckled. He's been doing a lot more of that lately. I was glad I could make him laugh. Chilled with him; he watched a few scenes from “The Room” on my netbook before he pushed it away. “That was so bad,” he said. “It took… six million dollars to make that. I could have done a better job.” “I know, right?” I laughed. “Now you know what I mean… it’s indescribable.” Ronan gave me his Pottermore username. We continued to talk before he fell asleep – not that I really looked, but I could tell by the change in his breathing. Poor guy also had fatigue and allergies, the former because he’d taken a nap due to a headache and altered his sleeping pattern. “I was going to wake you up in three minutes,.” I said later. I walked with him to his class, where he gave me a tight hug. “You going home now?” “Yes. I’m biking home. Bye.”

#2012 #May #Ronan #Craig Regional Park

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