exile-vilify

[exile-vilify]

i’ve found it heartbreaking to find such pure love and friendship - my usual escapes are not options anymore. i have to get better for them, or they won’t be alright. even on my lowest nights, this one door is forever closed and i have to find a way to accept that. i still think about it from time to time, but i’m never allowed to become so serious about it again. hurting myself hurts them and i don’t know how to deal with being loved so well

#op this is far from trash #and tbh im in the same spot. but i think (and i hope) that we'll get through it with our friends cheering us on #no matter where we are in getting better #i hope its okay to say but thank you for posting this #and i hope you feel a little better soon

[exile-vilify]

ugh too much noise too many smells and i feel gross, i hardly even exist in my body rn

#.catra speaks

[exile-vilify]

yeah so yeah

[exile-vilify]

i want to get worse.

[exile-vilify]

i wanna relapse so bad. it would just feel so good.

[exile-vilify]

I deserve it I deserve it I deserve it I deserve it I deserve it I deserve it I deserve it I deserve it

I deserve to hurt I deserve to bleed

[exile-vilify]

#.reblog

[exile-vilify]

i. really dont know if you hate me, or if you still want space from me,, or if you never wanna see me again. i want to know but these aren't conversations to be had over text or in front of people...

but any time we're alone it just seems like you wanna stay as far away from me as possible.

#.catra speaks #.for an angel

[exile-vilify]

i don't know if anything i could say would help or even be welcome.

i wish i could hop into ur dms and ask you if you just needed to come over and stay here for a bit, but i dont know if that would be okay.

if im being honest, im not really sure if its that weird "dont cross nonexistent lines" thing in my head or if its just...

i dunno, me being a coward.

you belong with us though. you always have. i dont know how to let you know that tho.

#.catra speaks #.for an angel

[exile-vilify]

every night it's like, i get hit with the worst fucking loneliness, because i miss home, and i want to go back, and i want to be with my friends again. i hada plan and it spiraled out of control and im doubting myself again.

i think im spiraling and i don't know how to stop it without coming home

#.catra speaks

[exile-vilify]

aaaaaaaa it sucks that i lost friends this year, but at the same time ive made so many new friends that have kept me going despite the rough patches i ended up hitting ;0; like they're so fucking great and im fucking thankful that they looked at me and went "friend material"

im also STUPIDLY THANKFUL for the homies that have stuck around since 6th/7th grade, yall really watched me get better and be better and you KNOW i fuck up sometimes but its like. a goddamn relief to see that you guys are still here, after everything. yall saw the good in me the whole time, even if i thought there wasnt any left, and i love you guys so much. thank you for staying 🥺😭🧡

#.catra speaks #.for the durps

[exile-vilify]

dude nothing even HAPPENED and suddenly i just feel like shit.

maybe its just because im overwhelmed with moving, or im underwhelmed because theres nothing to do, maybe i got stuck in a loop and need to break out of it?

im gonna play mariokart and see if that helps any :/

#.catra speaks

[exile-vilify]

feelin lonely and empty and so very touch starved. i just want to hug someone and stay tucked into a corner until we get so unbearably hot that we have to get up, but even then we still lay next to eachother in the floor while the overhead fan whirrs.

im so tired of perpetuating my own loneliness by pushing anyone who shows an inkling of genuine love out of fear of ruining everything again.

maybe one day i won't be so afraid of destroying the things i touch.

#.catra speaks

[exile-vilify]

ugh i hate myself but i miss you and sometimes i just want to give you a hug :/

#.catra speaks #this is stupid

[exile-vilify]

i do be going through it jesus fucking christ. anyway.

i don't understand how i came to be comfortable with loving and wanting things- people.

maybe its simply a defense mechanism, because as long as there's a barrier, there's no way things will get messed up.

there's no way that my past will waltz right on into my present to stomp all over it and trample the good things that might be happening.

there's no way that ill become detached, because the glass keeps me safe and makes me feel content.

the little bit of distance is necessary to prevent the bigger ones, because while yeah, i love to have my distance, it's when everyone is worlds away do i start to get antsy and uncomfortable.

where are you, anyway?

#.catra speaks

[exile-vilify]

dude what's the point lol he left because he couldnt see past my worst.

is everyone gonna leave when they see my worst and decide "yikes man i should book it bc clearly this is just a monster hiding in a person's body'?

like i get it people come and go its part of life or whatever but. idk man the perception i have on myself rn is not a good one.

#.catra speaks

[exile-vilify]

dude, BACK. OFF.

#.catra speaks