fantasiazone

[fantasiazone]

My mom and I have never been close. Not really.

I can pretend that were close and we do stuff together all the time. But who am I kidding. I never leave my room and she never leaves the house. I remember when my friends started to get periods and I didn't understand it and I never got answers from her, so I had to take a book out from the library...

I wish I had a mom that would actually want to do things with me, go places, order food and binge watch TV shows, but that's not my mom.

I remember her being more angry and fed up with me more than happy in my childhood. And deep down I know that if she had known how I turned out, she have gotten rid of me. Im the kind of daughter she didn't want because I was moody and messy, I had my reasons and mental issues even back as a kid, more than once she's told me how ashamed she is to have me for a daughter...all because I couldn't keep my room tidy or certain things made me irrationaly angry ..

[fantasiazone]

Today is a bad day, I don't want to leave my room, and my mom and brother think it's funny to shout up to me to not be stroppy and in a mood...

Your the reason I want to kill myself ha lets make fun of the girl with suicidal ideation ✨

[fantasiazone]

Seeing how happy my parents are with their grandkids as opposed to their actual kids makes me feel like a complete failure. Like life hasn't fucked them over and made them mentally ill yet so it's alit nicer to be around them than the kids they're disappointed in...

[fantasiazone]

Sometimes I feel like I don't belong in my own life. Like I'm just a filler character

[fantasiazone]

AHH suicidal ideation. We meet again

[fantasiazone]

The friends I have are the friends I have never deserved.

If they knew the real me, the ugly hateful little thing I am deep down.

I would deserve them leaving me

I wouldn't blame then

[fantasiazone]

I'm 25, my life hasn't, and will not go anywhere. All I ever do is hurt the ones close to me and play woe is me. My life is an insignificant blip in the universe and cutting it short sounds easier than the crushing weight of how much I hate everything about myself.

[fantasiazone]

Please somebody (UN)alive me

[fantasiazone]

Realising your a toxic human being filled with negativity is soul crushing. I don't want to be myself anymore.

I hurt people I'm closest to and get hurt in return and I end up alone and angry at the world.

Falling asleep and not waking up sounds really good right now .

[fantasiazone]

I realise I'm talking to myself on this blog but that's how I feel the majority of the time, alone and in my own head

[fantasiazone]

The fact that people can drop plans with me in an instant for something better says alot about me as a person.

#Lonely #Sad #Depression #Depressive #Sad thoughts #I'm a horrible person

[fantasiazone]

If I just up and left town nobody would actually realise I've gone...

And that makes me feel like I don't need anybody and everybody at the same time.

#Depression #lonlyness #Lonly #bi polar #I'm tired

[fantasiazone]

I haven't felt the need to post here in a long while but I've never felt so utterly alone in my life.

Why doesn't anybody want to spend time with me?

[fantasiazone]

I had to walk alot while visiting a friend recently and she lives in a city with ALOT of hills and steep streets... Its never been more apparent to me how unhealthy I am... My body dismorphia set off an anxiety attack and I couldn't look at any type of reflection I saw myself in, it made shopping very hard, and I hated feeling like that when I haven't seen one of my best friend for almost a year...

I'm determined to do something about it.

My legs burn but I want them to burn from doing something about how I look and feel.

#Fat #Unhealthy #body dismorphia #tw body dysmorphia #Body image #Tw body image

[fantasiazone]

I'm very hyper aware of how disgusting I look today... I can feel how fat and u healthy I am and I catch myself in a reflection and it just makes me wanna crawl into bed and forget how gross I look.

[fantasiazone]

soft reminder: one day you won’t carry heaviness on your shoulders. you’ll get through the day without constant worrying and stomach aches. you will heal and make your mind a safe, peaceful place to be, not something you want to escape. it’s all possible. you can make it through this.

[fantasiazone]

I was supposed to have a nice little drinkies get together with my friends tonight but my idiotic mind has made me feel like I'm not wanted and ive departed to bed, BUT I've showered, done my skincare and changed my bedding, so I'm trying to tackle my depressive moods with productivity.

Slow and ubsteady

But moving forward

Baby steps.

#Depression #Self care #I'm trying