fargilepoet

[fargilepoet]

*sigh* Here we go again.

After another year of absolute struggle, having a major burnout, losing my job, going into the clinic for my declined mental health and finally gettin on sertraline, i‘m back on my 4n0r3x1c bullshit.

My weight has never been higher than now.

Whooping 88kg.

I am ashamed and angry. And i will use that anger and hatred to motivate myself to lose at least 10kg before i go to my vacation.

The vacation will be on 24th of July and i will update at least once a week how things are going.

I have also made an appointment at the diabetic clinic because i got a few heavy symptoms that may point at being insulin resistant. (Which is genetically passed on in my family.)

I wish to go back at the days were i weight 55kg

I will achieve 60kg at least until this year. I will work extra hard for it.

I started to suffer from asthma so heavy exercises will be out of the equation. But i will pick up on 10k steps a day and doing light exercises.

All in all: here are my stats:

Cw: 88kg

Gw1: 85kg

Gw2: 82kg

Gw3: 80kg

Gw4: 78kg <- I may reach this in 2 months

Gw5: 75kg

Gw6: 73kg

Gw7: 70kg

Gw8: 67kg

Gw9: 65kg

Gw10: 62kg

UGW for this year 2023: 60kg

And my end goal for 2024 will be 52kg maybe even more.

I know that the first 5 kg will be water weight so i will drink lots of water and stop eating shit!

My start will be 1.200 calories a day even though i wish to restrict at least 800 but i know i will binge. So i will train myself like a dog until i get there.

#rant

[fargilepoet]

[fargilepoet]

There is a high possibility that i have lymphoedema and that the fucking weight is nothing more than my lymph nodes are as swollen as a golf ball and thats the reason why my body looks so fucking fat is because of the water being collected by my useless lymphs and if that isn‘t the biggest fucking plot twists of 2022 then i don’t know man…

#not pr0 4na #a4n0r3xia #rant

[fargilepoet]

I started to smoke due to work again. I did smoke when i was a teen for a year and stopped after re-evaluating.

Now i picked it up after 9 years of being clean.

Tbh, i try to keep myself with two cigs a day happy and be done with it. Also cigs are so much more expensive now than they used to so i have to be careful. I also dont want my family to know about it.

What i realize tho, is that i barely ate anything since we started back up. Im working with Coffee and nicotine all day and im not even bothered. I hope i lose some weight like that.

[fargilepoet]

Is it just me in or when loosing weight I wonder if I really am loosing it or if it's just water weight etc etc

[fargilepoet]

Idk. I thought it was funny

[fargilepoet]

reasons why i want to be sk1nny:

- i won’t be the ugly fat friend anymore

- guys (and girls) will like me, not my friends

- i can hug people without being scared of them feeling my stomach

- wearing cropped tops

- wearing tight, body forming dresses and clothing

- being looked at and asked if i want something to eat out of concern

- being cold on 30° celsius days

- someone can carry me

- being picked for a lead in a musical

- my school uniform fitting properly

- thigh gap 🤩🤩

- being able to fit both my hands around my leg without having to stretch

- shopping at op shops and being able to wear everything there

- looking like the characters i so often read about in my books

- walking through the house and not making a sound

- rings fitting my fingers

- baggy clothing looking actually good 🥹🥹

[fargilepoet]

I wonder what it's like being naturally skinny. How do people handle so much attention and care? I wonder if the world is easier to navigate when you're skinny, if the people are any less repulsive.

[fargilepoet]

The worst thing:

- hearing the comments from my mother about how i wont fit in the dress and that i was skinnier back then and that my stomach has become huge and my arm fat is flappy and that i look horrendous in any dress i wear cause i have gotten fat and when i tell her that i refuse to wear anything she says „you‘re not that fat but nothing fits you anyway.“

And that comment hit so bad and it hurt so bad that i felt my insides turn and twist into a tight ball of disgust and self loathing.

I felt like killing myself. I really want to kill myself. How did this happen. I really want to slit my throat with the fucking kn1fe. How did i become so huge?

I feel the worst. Like this is going to be my end. Nobody will ever desire me. Nobody will ever look and me and find me attractive. Im going to be stuck in this fat fucking body for the rest of my life.

My god the realisation that i cant do fucking anything about it.

I have to starve. I have to fucking starve and choke on water. Im so desperate for seeing bones again.

#mentalbreakdown

[fargilepoet]

[fargilepoet]

The older I get the more unapologetically mentally ill I become

[fargilepoet]

[fargilepoet]

[fargilepoet]

[fargilepoet]

When you think about binging remember how your thighs jiggle walking up stairs

[fargilepoet]

there’s absolutely nothing more heartbreaking than seeing old pictures of yourself when you were ACTUALLY skinny and thought you were fat , and now your 20 lbs heavier and fighting for your life to get rid of the weight fr this time

[fargilepoet]

I put my foot on a scale after months again and I never felt so much dread since 5 years ago. Why the fuck did I let myself get so fucked up. Holy crap.

I thought I eat less, thought I ate healthier but it seems like it was for naught. The only language my body speaks about loosing weight is starving it and I will. Fucking hell.

#rant #Ed #i am so fucked up #i have fucked up