fatnisseverdeen

[fatnisseverdeen]

we’re all gonna have to seriously address our fatphobia when this is all over ,,,..

#brian #i know i have a lot of work to do #and wrongs to amend

[fatnisseverdeen]

uhhhhh anyone else really obsessed w checking ur pulse to make sure ur heart rate is on the low side so u get to feel athletic

#brian #idk if this is a brian thing or an i grew up active and now im freaking out bc i still need to be the best thing #now that i spell it out it sounds like theyre both the same thing #.....;..:......’...

[fatnisseverdeen]

time to get a pony

[fatnisseverdeen]

This months choices are next months body.

This months choices are next months body.

This months choices are next months body.

This months choices are next months body.

This months choices are next months body.

This months choices are next months body.

[fatnisseverdeen]

i also just think its so interesting how almost every thinspo post i see is of a white girl

#i came here tn to cope #now im having a discussion w myself about decolonizing brian #like obv rich white cishet beauty standards are pushed on the entire globe #so it makes sm sense that we’re so pressed about looking dainty #which is obv majorly coded {a v Specific type of woman gets to be seen as dainty} #am i really advocating to decolonize the b0nespo tumblr tag? maybe not #maybe this isnt the hill i wanna die on #but maybe expanding our definitions of beautiful in general #would 1) be an obvious Pro bc woc need to be valued #and 2) might alleviate some of the pressures that lead to eds in the first place #brian #this is the weirdest direction a breakdown has taken me #i hate it here

[fatnisseverdeen]

i wanna know about how eds and alcohol abuse are related

#idk if i just hate reality and want to alter my consciousness #(bc i did this with weed too while i was home and could be high in peace w/o roommates) #or if i just had a dinner drink a few nights in a row and now its a habit #or if its related to brian like it is for other people #obv the answer is all of the above #but i wanna know how much of each it is #bc id really like to have a healthy relationship w alcohol #and not do dumb drunk shit anymore #but also not have to avoid it altogether #brian #////: #i swear to g Od almighty if anyone from real life finds this and recognizes my text style #im toast

[fatnisseverdeen]

things my ed has made me afraid of

- sugar, even though i can weigh the shit out perfectly i can’t even stir my own tea with a spoon that’s been in contact with the shit

- brushing my teeth, monkey brain said “what if calories in toothpaste????”

- not weighing my food or drinks, i literally have to weigh almond milk for my tea

- not counting things even if they’re 0cal

- any fast food. terrifying

- any coffee shop coffee over 75cal

- everything.

this disorder is a fucking nightmare. do not mess with this shit. my life is ruined.

#i miss drinking coffee that tastes good #brian

[fatnisseverdeen]

can someone tell me what its called when u dont have enough energy to move ur eyes from the same spot on the wall or hold a thought for more than a few sec bc ur life and responsibilities and future and loved ones health are all looking at you like how much longer are u gonna pretend u can do this

#not brian #i need a name for this one bc its not going away #[name pending] #potentially: bryn #maybe i’ll just call it fkn brine bc this feels sickly and foul and makes me wanna shrivel up

[fatnisseverdeen]

):

#brian #i got comfortable #and slipped up so hard #and now im all messed up #and idek where to restart #part of me is really mad that my [] is so accepting of me and never notices my flaws #bc i learned how to be comfortable feeling ugly #and brian fought so hard to never let that happen #and now hes traching me a lesson so i never get comfortable again

[fatnisseverdeen]

Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.

Shout out to people like me who have parents who are loving but are black holes of emotional labor… It took me a long time to realize that it’s okay to have mixed feelings about your parents, about your relationship with them.

Sometimes parents can love you but be somewhat toxic to you and your growth, and that’s a very hard realization to come to if you, like me, grew up extremely close to them.

Sometimes parents can love you genuinely but lack emotional maturity, forcing you to perform disproportionate amounts of emotional labor. Some parents manifest symptoms of their mental illness in ways that are toxic to your mental illness.

Some parents, like mine, try so hard to be good parents but fall back on habits of emotional manipulation because they haven’t processed their own traumas and are modeling behavior they grew up with. That doesn’t make their behavior acceptable, and it’s okay to feel exhausted and hurt when they betray you. You don’t have to forgive every mistake.

I want you to know that it’s okay to protect yourself, to need some space apart from them. The love you have for your parents is still valid, and you are making the right decision.

Placing a safe emotional distance between myself and my parents has been one of the most difficult, heartbreaking processes I’ve ever gone through… it hurts to try to curb the strength of your own natural empathy around people you love. It feels disingenuous to your heart’s natural state.

But I promise you, you are not hard-hearted or ungrateful, and you are not abandoning them. You are making a decision about your own emotional, mental, and spiritual health.

I know what it’s like in that confusing grey area of love mixed with guilt and anxiety, of exhaustion and quasi-manipulation and unreciprocated emotional labor, and I promise you, you are not alone.

Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.

[fatnisseverdeen]

having an ed made me a nutritionist

#brian

[fatnisseverdeen]

🤭

[fatnisseverdeen]

I hate how having an ed makes you competitive about EVERYTHING

[fatnisseverdeen]

it took a therapist all of ten minutes to say “yeah.., that sounds like an eating disorder” when i told him what mine looks like day to day

#brian #validation city!!!

[fatnisseverdeen]

i like my body when its yours

#brian #angsty thots from a person regressing into preteenhood #who cant believe how comfortable and safe their Gal Pal makes them #when she touches them like its the only thing shes ever wanted to do #and doesnt leave room for brian #brians not invited to the bedroom l o l

[fatnisseverdeen]

anyone feel like they’re too rational to have an ed sometimes? like i know to eat if i’m about to faint, i can act normal when eating out with other people. i can’t decide if i’m deceiving myself or my ed and since when did i become two different people and i hate it.

[fatnisseverdeen]

I go from wanting to never eat again to wanting to eat normally to wanting to eat everything in the kitchen and then back to not wanting to eat again multiple times a day and I’m just very tired of it okay

#brian #but on a several days to weeks scale #i wish i knew this was normal before