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apparently we have a type of man ...

long-haired man >>>>

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I liked the part with the clove cigarettes.

Well, that sure was a movie alright. Basically a direct-to-television romantic drama with a random handful of its scenes swapped out for softcore vampire porn. There really wasn't a whole lot of plot, and it mostly operated on vibes instead.

It started by introducing Martin Kemp as a vampire, aptly named The Vampire, and giving some vague backstory about how he loved a princess. That is until one day he was jumped by three sexy, topless, vampire ladies while sleeping in the woods. Now in 1995 he lives on a college campus, and is projecting his lost love onto teenage student Charlotte (Alyssa Milano) for some reason. Also, he has three days to seduce her before her eighteenth birthday or else he'll die, I guess?

The issue of how the vampire lore in this movie actually works was as extensive as it was unexplained. He gave her an ankh necklace that gradually turned her slutty and bisexual, or maybe it was just turning her into a vampire. After all, slutty and bisexual are intrinsic parts of vampirism. I think the idea was that he needed her to willingly dump her boyfriend and choose him instead, but I have no idea why.

There was a fairly lengthy segment in which fellow student Sarah (Charlotte Lewis) approached Charlotte and took her back to her room for an erotic photoshoot. Things got excessively horny, as was usually the case in this movie, before Charlotte changed her mind and left. I was waiting for a reveal that she was a vampire seductress, or that The Vampire had orchestrated the whole thing, but it never came. 

That was just one of many gratuitous nude scenes that had little to do with the story. Alyssa Milano's breasts had more screentime than most characters. I mean, she did look fantastic, especially as she completed her nineties goth transformation, but even for an erotic vampire movie it got pretty sleazy.

Phase two of The Vampire's diabolical plan was to approach the couple individually and tell them their relationship might be bad, then send Jennifer Tilly to seduce the boyfriend, or maybe transform into her and do it himself? It really wasn't clear whether she actually existed or was just The Vampire in disguise. 

Either way, the boyfriend simply decided not to cheat on her and, shockingly, the plan was foiled. Charlotte also decided to stay faithful in the end, so The Vampire just sort of gave up, laid down on the floor, and died. Roll credits.

Speaking of credits, they were set to a song that wasn't long enough to cover them, so after it finished they just kept scrolling in total silence. The music throughout the movie was generic romantic drama stuff, remarkable only in how unfitting it was with all the nudity and sex. One time The Vampire growled into the night sky, and the sound effect of an imp from Doom was layered over it.

Very nineties, very horny. Hilariously bad.

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Mads Mikkelsen as Duncan Vizla in Polar (2019) dir. by Jonas Åkerlund

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vampires must find it odd/annoying that humans portray them as dark shadowy figures of the night, because like. vampires have night vision. to them, their shadowy candle-lit castle is basically lit up with ultra high lumen LED bulbs. a dark moonless night is in fact quite comfortable--no need to wear sunglasses like on annoyingly bright (aka gibbous moon) evenings. their vision is so good they basically never perceive a human's version of "darkness" except when they're tucked up nice and cosy in their coffins. everything but pitch black is bright to a vampire, they barely have a concept of shadows. not like those weirdo humans who are constantly getting spooked by their own bad eyesight

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watching a movie at home circa like, 2001 was like

put your TV on channel 2 so the VCR will work

open up the clamp shell case that held the VHS that has that satisfying crrlikkkkkk

put in the movie

gdi it has to be rewound

press STOP and then rewind because its so much faster that way

start the movie and it takes a few seconds for the movie to actually start cause you rewound to the VERY beginning

FBI will get you if you illegally distribute or exhibit this movie

and then. because you forgot that movies are always so much louder than TV

COMING SOON TO OWN ON VIDEO AND DVD

QUICK LOWER THE VOLUME LOWER THE VOLUME LOWER THE VOLUME OH FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay crisis averted.

although. these ads are kind of quiet. a little hard to hear.....

better turn up the volume...

THX

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Its that time of year again!

Where all my spooky peeps at??

👻👻

Thinking about doing a part two to this 🤔

A WHORE FOR HORROR

My boy crazy obsession is only matched by my love for the spooky season. I actually started this list a few weeks before last Halloween, but I got lost on the path of life. I have, however, finally found myself here... A few days before Christmas. Let's celebrate the holiday season and the new year with a little fright. So without further ado, I present to you some of the prettiest beauty's found in horror or spooky themed movies. Some are good, some are bad, and some are the baddest of the bad.

***The following 10 men, or rather characters, were selected simply because they were the first to pop into my head, and are presented in no particular order.

Masterlist

1. Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) in American Psycho (2000).

Sir. Sir, you are most certainly a pretty guy- I mean a pretty sick guys.

2. Billy Loomis (Skeet Ulrich) in Scream (1996).

Oh Billy-boy you're right. Movies don't create psychos, buuut movies make psychos like you hot.

3. Jimmy Angelov (Goran Visnjic) in Practical Magic (1998).

Jimmy you're all kinds of sexy, but I'd kill you twice too. Sorry not sorry. You deserved it.

4. Darry Jenner (Justin Long) in Jeepers Creepers (2001).

Darry you pretty boy, you had some big brown peepers. It's a shame they're no longer in you head...

5. Lestat (Stuart Townsend) in Queen of the Damned (2002).

Lestat's voice touches me. shivers in horny

6. Ichibod Crane (Johnny Depp) in Sleepy Hollow (1999).

Ichibod I would like to ask you a question. Are you able to detect that it was you who bewitched me?

7. Eddie (Tex) Sawyer (Viggo Mortensen) in Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990).

Ed- I mean Tex. Sorry 'bout that. Tex your Texan charm is not enough for me to like Texas.

8. Tommy Jarvis (Thom Mathews) in Friday the 13th VI: Jason Lives (1986).

Oh Tommy, there was no reason for you to have done what you done, but done it you done did do. Side note: you're too pretty to hate on.

9. Chase Collins (Sebastian Stan) in the Covenant (2006).

I would let him make me his wi-och... His witch-beoch. It's such a bad movie that it's good.

10. Dr. Frank N. Furter (Tim Curry) in The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975).

Go ahead and try to convince me that Dr. Frank N. Furter is not sexy as hell. Go on. I'll wait.

*** When it comes to the baddest of bad - the killers and creeps - I in no way condone their behaviour, I am simply acknowledging how good they look while doing it.

Happy Holidays my fellow creeps and weirdos, the strange and unusual, the utterly deranged.

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Manuela imagining Serafin in pirate esque booty shoots and a plunging v neck is in fact the funniest instance of the female gaze a movie made in 1948 couldve implemented

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HEAR ME OUT

This.

But Pedro Pascal

A combination I don’t think any of us would survive…

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💦💦👅🥵

GENE KELLY giving the censors something to think about in THE PIRATE (1948) dir. vincente minnelli.

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oh you're in a horror film/book and your phone died/has no bars? how boring. I think phones in horror SHOULD work. they should ding only to have the protagonist check and find nothing. they should get calls from somebody you don't know but is still somehow in your contacts. google maps should lead you to one place, no matter what address you type in.

phones are such a big part of our daily lives, removing them from horror removes the horror from our experience. what if the horror felt like it could happen to you, right here, right now? what if it felt like it was already happening?

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After a heated (imaginary) argument, here's my definitive list for "Fave animation movies of each Corleone (+Luca Brasi just cause I love him)

Vito Corleone: Toy Story 2 - considers Toys caring for each other inspirational. The Collector villain is clearly a reflection of society trying to separate his family from, erm… Their Traditional Values (tm). Foundational movie he would've seen as a kid during Godfather 2. Hopelesly stuck to his brain.

Sonny Corleone: Lilo & Stitch - Sees part of himself in Stitch, mostly the brutality and his… particular vision of family values and what constitutes a measured response to threats.

Michael Corleone: Ratatouille - Rat masterfully managing a top tier restaurant from the shadows?? If that aint Peak Michael Corleone… "Inspirational, movie for sure, clearly that's the sole message of the movie"- Mike, probably.

Fredo Corleone: Luca - Thinks that he just vibes with everyone and just is a little pleasant to everyone people will accept him and he'll just live a chill life without cares for his family heritage. He's delusional (it shows).

Tom Hagen: The Fox and the Hound (1981) - He swears to god he Only Likes Adult Serious Stuff You Guys. "I totally binged Succession and Mad Men, like, yesterday". He's a softie and cries the moment the first character shows up.

Luca Brasi: Mulan- Vito's best hitman has nothing but praise for a girl who single handedly stops the a hun invasion and protect Chinas Godfather. He knows every song like his own name. His ringtone is "I'll make a man out of you".

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#I have never felt more represented