findmykernel

[findmykernel]

03/08/2021: I’ve put myself in this position

I guess I need to share so you know what I’m thinking and have some understanding of what’s going on in my head.

I’m not expecting you to ‘fix’ me by any means and I’m not trying to be mean.

I’m not perfect, I’m not superwoman and it happens.

I guess I’ve always had thoughts of inadequacy and worthlessness and sometimes, it all gets a bit too much.

And I know “I’m ovulating” is not sexy… but I think I do things in that way because I think it gives you a reason to sleep with me, a reason more than me just wanting it because that reason alone, is not enough.

That’s a prime example of me making out as if my own needs and thoughts shouldn’t mean anything or are not important… not only letting and allowing you to think like that, but also encouraging you to.

That’s the role and position that I’ve given myself.

I expect people to care and notice me whilst shunning the attention away from me and putting it on anything else that I feel is more worthy.

So I teach myself to be tolerable and adaptable because it’s not their fault. It’s mine.

I convince people to treat me like I’m nobody but then get sad when they treat me like I am.

How do I break out of this? How do I realise my own self worth? 

I watch some of these reality TV shows and I see the turds that are on that oozing confidence and I think “Where do they get off being so confident? They have nothing to offer” yet I’m the complete opposite. I lack confidence and self-worth yet have heaps to offer. I guess my closest friends are those who know, appreciate and see my worth - yet I haven’t had to sell it to them.

It starts with me - as long as I believe it, the rest will follow. Actually, it doesn’t matter what the rest think. I need to believe it myself - that’s all that matters.

[findmykernel]

23/05/2021: I don’t have what he wants and he doesn’t think he can help me get it

Imagine this:

A man is looking for a particular pair of shoes.

He sees a store that may stock these shoes and decides to go into the store and check.

He enters and asks the shop assistant to help him find these pair of shoes without giving her much to go by.

She fusses over him and brings out a variety of perfectly good shoes based on the way he is dressed, how he carries himself, how he reacts to different styles and colours and by asking him general questions.

She shows him shoes of high quality, some that will last longer and are better for his feet than what the particular pair of shoes that he is after, but they are still not the right ones.

The man comes to terms with the fact that the shop does not stock his pair of shoes but he goes on taking up the shop assistant’s time because he’s got nothing else to do and doesn’t have the heart to tell her. He also enjoys that she is doting over him.

After hundreds pairs of shoes and hours of trying to make the sale, frustrated and fed up, the shop assistant gives up and blankly asks the man what type of shoe he is looking for.

The man shows the shop assistant a picture of the pair of shoes he is looking for.

The shop assistant heart drops because she knows that she doesn’t have that particular pair of shoes... but - she can order them in. All the man has to do is be patient and help her put away all the pairs of shoes she has shown him so she can get to her computer to order his shoes.

He says he doesn’t know how to put away shoes.

She is angry but wants to make the sale so she offers to show him how to put away shoes.

He helps but decides that these shoes may not be worth it so stops helping after only putting away a few pairs of shoes.

She gets more angry, loses interest and realises that this one sale from this man, is not going to help her make budget for the day.

He walks out of the shop without any pairs of shoes and goes about his day.

She doesn’t order his pair of shoes, doesn’t make budget and is left with hundreds of pairs of shoes to put away.

You are the man.

I am the shop assistant.

The particular pair of shoes you are looking for is FLIRTING / SEXINESS / PASSION.

The pairs of shoes that were shown was LOYALTY, GENEROSITY, FAMILY, COMPASSION, TRUST, DEPENDABILITY, LOVE, FUTURE, RESPECT, EMPATHY, SENSE OF HUMOUR, INTELLIGENCE, MATURITY, HONESTY & GROWTH.

I can get those pair of shoes for you, but you need to help me by providing me with an environment where I feel safe enough to order them and have patience.

But if that's too hard basket for you, then I have tried my best.

[findmykernel]

May 4, 2021

————

History repeating... don’t want to wake up tomorrow. Genuinely, why bother.

[findmykernel]

November 30, 2020

————

I don’t want to be here.

Here, as in back here, where I find myself again.

But also here, as in, in this world.

[findmykernel]

[findmykernel]

13 May 2020

How or where do I get the confidence to speak about my feelings?

I desperately need to and I know that it will relieve a lot of pain and internal suffering and anxiety yet something that may seem so simple is my kryptonote.

Having a conversation about my feelings is the hardest thing I do. I think it’s harder when I’m not sure I completely believe the person who supposedly love me, really does.

I have no confidence in how he will react and he gives me very little to instil that confidence.

I try so hard to be the best girlfriend. I’m generous, helpful, caring, devoted. I deserve someone who wants to treat me the same. Am I too much of a push over? When it comes to love, do I let people walk all over me? Why am I such a weasel when it comes to matters of the heart?

How am I two different people? Why do I always think I’m unlovable?

[findmykernel]

13 April, 2020

————

Help.

[findmykernel]

17/09/2019: Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger... bollocks

Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger they say... well, I say fuck off.

Quick update to get you up to speed... I fucking HATE my job. Yes, the job that I took around 7 months ago. My leap into the agency world.

There is no leadership, no one to aspire to, no support and they couldn’t assign a person I could respect less as my immediate manager.

It’s excruciating to be at work when I’m trying to dodge the very person that is supposed to my superior. He doesn’t have a fucking clue and I’m offended that he is my manager.

I’ve been on the job hunt again for the past 3 months and haven’t had much luck. Not even an interview and it’s very disheartening. Especially when I know I’m a great employee and the people who would be losing me would be devastated to lose me.

I reluctantly walked to work this morning and listened to a podcast Matty recommended to me. This guy called Dave Goggins. A superhuman who has the motivation and drive like no other. World records are enough for him, ultra marathons aren’t enough for him, he conquered those and he wants and needs to do better.

I listened and I was inspired. I was going to get my ass into gear and really go find that new job I have been searching for the past 3 months.

But the world has a different day planned for me. First it was a phone call at 11:30am verbally rejecting me for a role I was told I’d be perfect for. Then it was an email rejection for a role I was told I’d be great at. Then the triple whammie, another email rejection for a role I didn’t even really want.

Not even an interview... didn’t even get through the first cull. Why am I so unemployable? Why don’t people want me to work for them? Am I not experienced enough? Am I too experienced? Do they think they know better than what I know of myself in terms of work?

It was a blow to the ego and the motivation. It undid me and I came home and balled.

I have always been skeptical about whether someone could actually love me... even though Matty says he does, I don’t 100% believe him. With work, I absolutely know I’m a great employee and work hard and can be a great asset for any company, yet when I’m rejected here, it’s a blow to my confidence in something I thought I had complete confidence in and I’m fucking ruined.

Why aren’t I good enough in this world? Why can’t I be the person where something is handed to me on a platter? Why, knowing that I’m not the mentally strongest person, the one that’s thrown these fucking beast curveballs when I was ready to take on the world?

Why aren’t I ever enough?

I hate life and really sometimes, I really believe it’s not worth living. So little enjoyment and so much hard work required just to try and make it tolerable. What’s the point?

[findmykernel]

And now the down fall...

Friday, 5 April (his birthday) @ 10:15pm

I have been pretty darn happy the last 5 months. Almost sickeningly happy that I was skeptical about what sadness, depression and all those other feelings were or if they ever existed.

A lot has happened... I got scammed (another story), renovated my bathroom, moved into his place, he moved into my place, our families met, he met my extended family and now we have moved into a place of our own.

It’s what fairy tales are made of and frankly, I can’t believe it is happening to me. Like, is it really happening to me? Is this what it is like? Am I doing it right? Am I one of those people that I had always envied but never admitted it? Was I getting my happily ever after? 

I was... and I was proud and confident and didn’t think that anything could take it away from me.

Until last night... the eve of his birthday. I have planned a bit of a surprise weekend. He thinks it’s just a quiet one but his parents are coming, there’s a bit of a surprise lunch on Sunday but I know that it’s a line I can tread without too much reprimand in the end. Let’s face it, I’m also doing ourselves a big favour by killing two birds with one stone and letting everyone come and see the house. I’m a genius if anything.

But last night, something ticked. I wanted to pick an outfit out for the birthday dinner (not a surprise) and he didn’t care what I wore because he likes anything I wear... which is always a nice thing. But at the same time, as a girl, you like to dress up nice sometimes and look and feel nice and this birthday dinner was just as much for him as it was for me.

We went to bed, I felt bad for making him feel like he never takes me out (which is true) but for fuck’s sake Farrah, you don’t do that on the eve of his birthday - what a rookie.

I had a dream - hang on, a nightmare. We had broken up, but strangely, still living together in Hawthorn. He introduced me to his new blonde, much younger and cooler/hip girlfriend. I was being diplomatic and playing the “I don’t give a shit but I’ll be nice” card. The new girlfriend was insinuating that she’ll meet the kids soon and I was thinking, there’s no way this girl is going to be a good step-whatever, yet I entertained her and said “Charlotte will love you, you’re much cooler and prettier than me”. She loved it. She was typical Gen Y and I was typically feeding the Gen Y’s massive ego.

But I left the situation and was absolutely distraught. I can’t believe this was who he was with and so soon after we had apparently ended it... I was embarrassed and fucking hurt that I wanted to send him a message that said “Thanks for the heads up”... as in thanks for the heads up telling me that you were going to introduce me to your new girlfriend and that you were both already at the stage where she was going to meet the children.

Then it hit me. I was that girl... after 3 months of dating, I met the kids... geez, after a month, I met the parents. It was all spurred on by him and at that point, he still thought there was a spark missing.

I woke up.

It felt so real and I was absolutely shattered. I cried my eyes out in bed - naturally and felt so betrayed and felt like everything was taken away from me. in a blink of an eye, my life had been turned upside down and I had lost the person that I have loved so deeply to a typical Gen Y blonde run of mill nothing special girl. It broke me.

I cried some more and got up and cried again. It was a dream that I wished would never come true. 

He woke up and heard me crying and asked if everything was ok. It wasn’t but said it was and that I just had a bad dream.

I guess after almost 35 years of being single, I was cynical and pessimistic but there’s a reason for that and boy, did I learn all those lessons and become paranoid to all those red flags. You don’t just be single, unhappy and massively doubt yourself for that long to learn nothing.

In the morning, still feeling massively guilty and massively paranoid, I put on a brave face and gave him his birthday presents, told him I loved him and made sure he knew that when he went to work.

I did, I do. I have never loved anyone more than him and this absolutely terrifies me.

I’ve grown up with good values and told to act smart and be alert... but with the matters of the heart - all these lines are blurred. How can you act with your head when your heart is telling you the opposite. How do you train your heart to what your head thinks is right?

Another thing I have noticed is that I’m massively independent - almost to a fault. I don’t want to ever rely on anyone else to do anything for me, that way, if anything goes wrong, I know that I and that only I am accountable... which is why it is so hard to let people in or let people care for me. I always feel like I owe someone something - even if they feel like they are doing something kind for me out of the goodness of their heart... do those people even exist I would wonder? I guess no one in my life has never proven this to me so it was new.

Now the next part, I’m not proud of. He accidentally left his phone at home and needed me to bring it to him. I thought I had nothing to worry about so I checked it...

4 months of back and forth with the ex. Not only just banter but some initiated by him and a extra “x” here and there. The worst thing was a post-midnight text to her asking if she was around.

Absolutely destroyed me... 

After having that confidence crashing dream to the discovery of these texts, I experienced the worse anxiety and insecurity of my life. Dehabilitating and soul-destroying. I was paralysed for a bit and for the whole day, absolutely panicked. I couldn’t concentrate, my heart beat was so fast and I just could not believe it.

I wondered whether discovering these texts was a good or a bad thing. Good for long term as it prepares me for whatever could happen if I actually take it on board, but bad for the short term as it absolutely floored me and I could not function.

Why was he texting/calling (yes calling) her - I wasn’t mentioned in any of the conversations and how could he think that this was OK. He must be messaging her because I’m not giving him everything he needs/wants... but how do I know what’s missing. I’m trying so so hard everyday and this wondering of if I’m ever good enough is weighing so heavily on my mind that it’s completely ruining me.

I know that I carelessly had my head in the clouds and was crazily stupidly in love yet, I don’t think it was reciprocated to the fullest.

I do think that I’m someone that is good for him, someone that he needs but I’m not so sure if I am someone that he wants and can’t live without.

I know that I am someone that he loves but not madly in love with, and that terrifies the FUCK out of me because I am completely and utterly heads over heels with him.

I can see flaws with him but I don’t care. I want him, I need him. I love him. I just don’t think he feels the same way about me and it’s crushing me inside. 

I don’t know what to do. I honestly don’t see a future past Matthew and if this dream and almost harmless texts are affecting as much as they are right now, I’m not sure if I can survive if this was to end.

And right now, it fucking PAINS me to say, I’m not sure if this will last if he is doing this.

Yes, they could be just friends but not her. Be friends with someone else. Not someone that you used to be in love with and most likely have ulterior motives... they always do, and they don’t care. It’s not their relationship they are ruining. NOT HER.

I’m not coping and I am up in the middle of the night after having a wonderful beautiful birthday dinner with him typing frantically on my laptop trying to get it all out so that my mind can rest. It’s going a million miles an hour at the moment and I don’t know how to deal with this because me being me, it’s somehow my fault and my problem to fix or deal with.

FUCK.

#fucked #love #i don't know #anxiety

[findmykernel]

14/10/2018: He loves me

Today I bring great news.

He told me he loved me. I wasn’t expecting it. I wasn’t sure if he did. I was adamant he was still figuring it all out. I was almost certain that he never could.

But he told me loved me and I’m on top of the world.

He finished his first marathon today and we were back at home at my place and he came up to me and said “I was really happy to see you when I crossed that finish line, and I realised that I really do love you. I think you’re amazing.”

I melted.

I was so surprised and I said “you do???”

Then I said “I love you too. I wanted to say it last week but I was angry and didn’t want the first time to be like that... I love you so much”

It was a great day. 😁😄😁😆☺️😊🤗😍

[findmykernel]

03/09/2018: I’m not good at this

It seems like I only write to report on shit times in my life...

I’m struggling. It’s midnight and tomorrow I return to work on a radio show I loathed being a part of.

Why? Because my boss asked me and I’m doing her a favour.

But how I have been feeling ever since she asked me should take precedent over doing her a favour.

I’ve been having anxiety.

I find working on the show very challenging for my mental health. It’s a toxic and non-effective environment for me and I don’t want to prioritise getting in my boss’ good books over my mental health. It’s not worth it and frankly, she won’t even fucking notice anyway.

I can’t do it.

I won’t do it.

This is me putting me first.

[findmykernel]

10/05/2018: Today

Today will go down as one of the worst days of my life.

Nothing really happened specifically.

I’ve just hit rock bottom.

I’m hyperventilating. I just had a panic attack and I don’t know what do to.

I’m helpless.

I just want to disappear.

[findmykernel]

1/05/2018: I don’t know...

I don’t know if I’m strong enough to get through this...

I honestly don’t know and it’s really scaring me.

I could take it when I was younger because I was a different person and I wasn’t quite sure what I was looking for or what I wanted.

Then in the last couple of years, with the ‘flings’, I knew they were going to be ‘my forever’ so they passed quite easily.

With this, with him, I don’t know. I am finding it really hard to accept that he didn’t want me. I always felt that if I gave and showed him enough love, it will be there...

But the reality is, is that it didn’t happen, I tried my hardest and he does not love or want me.

That’s a hard pill to swallow because I’m pretty fucking great.

... then I say things like that, which makes me think, do I have low self esteem or high self esteem?

[findmykernel]

This is EXACTLY what is happening to me at the moment.

[findmykernel]

28/04/2018: I still love him...

I still love him... and last night, we had the chat we probably should have had 2 months ago.

We had nothing to lose at this point and potentially everything to gain but not in the immediate future... and as hard as this is to admit, I need to accept this now and try my hardest to move on.

We talked, we argued, we were honest, we kissed and as much as I knew we weren’t going to get back together last night, I enjoyed it. I needed it.

But now, I need to let go. I’ll need time and it’s going to be so so hard but I have to if I want the chance to be happy again.

I don’t hate him. I still love him. I have a tough couple of weeks/months ahead of me... hopefully not longer. I need to put myself back together again.

[findmykernel]

25/04/2018: When?

When am I going to feel better?

I’m exhausted.

[findmykernel]

🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️