freakie-deakie

[freakie-deakie]

all these lyrics in my notes app and no utter idea how to actually create a song

[freakie-deakie]

screaming crying and passing out <3

Sleep Well, Princess

Title: Sleep Well, Princess

Pairing: Jaehyun x You (feat. brother!Taeyong)

Genre: age gap, big brother's best friend au, angst, drama, fluff, romance, slow burn, smut

Warnings: six year age gap, unprotected and kind of public sex (no worries, nothing rated will involve minors!)

Word Count: 12.5k

Summary: When you were six, you developed a crush on your older brother's best friend. When you were thirteen, you fell head over heels in love with him. When you were sixteen, you decided to wait for when the time was right. When you were nineteen, he rejected you.

The first memory you had of Jeong Jaehyun was that of a warm summer evening when you encountered an unfamiliar boy sitting at your terrace.

You had hurried back home from your friend’s house, eager to make it for dinner on time, but when you had arrived, your entire family was gathered in the garden, eating watermelon with a boy you had never seen before.

“That’s Jaehyun!” your older brother Taeyong had introduced him. “He’s new in town and my classmate!”

Jaehyun had worn the brightest smile, the corners of his lips smeared with leftover watermelon that let his skin glisten with sweet juice. You hadn’t even been able to clearly hear the words he was directing at you, that was how full his mouth was.

When you had sat down next to your twelve-year-old brother on the stairs, munching on your watermelon like everyone else, you were watching this new boy Jaehyun from the corner of your eyes, your pupils wanting to stay fixated on the fruit, but still going astray eventually.

He was as tall and slim as your older brother, wearing similar clothes, having similar haircuts, and even speaking and laughing in a similar manner. If anything, they could pass as brothers.

But for your real brother, as a matter of fact, you didn’t want to look at him for so long. But for your brother, you didn’t want him to look back at you. But for your brother, your cheeks didn’t flush so much in his presence.

“My, my!” Taeyong had laughed. “I think my sister has a crush on you!”

You had smacked him so hard, your fingerprints were still visible on his arm later that night. That was one of the downsides of being so close to a sibling: they could read you like an open book. There was nothing you could hide from them.

You had wanted to disappear right there and then, convinced to currently experiencing the most embarrassing moment of your young life so far. You hadn’t even known Jaehyun for half an hour, yet you were labelled as the annoying little sister probably.

But Jaehyun had only laughed, nothing more. And just like that, the topic had been swept under the rug to never be addressed again.

Most children experienced their first crush at the age of five.

You had been six at that time.

Throughout the years, you had not only watched your brother grow, but Jaehyun as well as they became the bestest of friends.

His height had shot upwards so that he was now even towering your brother by a few inches. He had built muscles that were becoming more apparent through his clothings. His face had gotten more expressive features after maturing in his teenage years.

You had been crushing on your brother’s best friend for as long as you could think of.

And then, he broke your heart.

____

When You Were 7

“Yongie! Yongie!”

You ran into the living room, the pink tulle rustling with each step of yours as the wand of the same color swung in your hands when you entered through the door and found your brother sitting on the couch, playing a video game on the big TV.

“Yongie! How do you find my dress?”

Your brother shifted around. “A new princess dress? Looks amazing on you, sis!”

“Right?!” You smiled brightly. “I’m a princess!”

The moment you encountered Jaehyun next to him though, you stopped in your tracks and looked at his best friend, frozen.

You hadn’t been aware that he was here, even though on the weekends, he usually always was. Yet, you suddenly felt so foolish and childish in your pink princess gown with the magic wand, imagining yourself to reign in a non-existent country.

Jaehyun was thirteen years old, of course he would only laugh at little girls who played dress up, especially as princesses.

Slowly, your hand that was holding the wand sank to your side along with your head, and all the sparks from your eyes vanished when it dawned on you that it would probably make Jaehyun think of you sillily when he saw this overly childish side of yours.

“How’s your country called, princess?”

You turned keen-eared upon hearing his words. Immediately, your head shot up and you locked gazes with him, his expression only radiating kindness with the soft smile that he was addressing at you.

Princess.

He had called you princess!

“It’s called ‘Phantasia’!” you announced proudly. “I’m the reigning princess!”

“Well, princess… Where is your crown? A princess usually wears a crown, right?”

“Oh…” You touched your head as though you had placed it there the moment before. “I broke it the last time…”

“No worries. A true princess doesn’t need a crown to make her whole.”

For the rest of the day, you felt like walking on clouds. No one was able to take away what Jaehyun had said to you earlier, and you were even still grinning when your mother read a goodnight story to you later that night.

The weekend after that, Jaehyun was over at your house again.

Taeyong had told you that he was living with his grandfather as his parents were doing business abroad, and whenever possible, the old man needed rest, so Jaehyun spent most of his free time at your house. Your brother didn’t mind, and you were surely the last one to object to this arrangement.

“This is for you, princess.”

You were sitting on the terrace when Jaehyun suddenly appeared in front of you, carrying something in his hand that you weren’t able to clearly see against the sunlight. A moment later, you felt a light pressure on your head.

When your fingers reached up and touched an edgy plastic object on top of your head, you instantly knew what it was without needing to take it off and inspect.

You got so excited, you were sure you were going to burst with bliss.

It was a crown.

“A crown doesn’t make you a princess as you already are one,” Jaehyun explained. “But it’s still nice to have some validation every now and then, right?”

You refused to take off the silver plastic crown with the pink jewels for the next weeks without a single break, even adamant to wear it during bathtime and to sleep until your mother got so sick and tired of it that she took it away and threatened to never give it back to you unless you came back to your senses.

Since then, the crown sat enthroned on top of your drawer so that you had a good look at it from all corners in your room.

It was your biggest treasure.

A month later, Taeyong had his first big party, and of course, all his friends came over, including Jaehyun.

Since his gathering had started during your bedtime, your mother had forbidden you to go downstairs as you should be asleep already, but you were so excited for the event to take place that two hours later, you were still wide awake.

You were listening to the boys’ voices from the ground floor as you peeked through your door and slowly crawled to the very top of the stairs to catch a glimpse at the guests downstairs. But you saw nothing yet, so you sneaked to crouch on the first step.

When you still weren’t able to get even the slightest insight into the happenings, you decided to go down another step in your crouching position, but in the process, you lost your balance so that you suddenly slipped and fell down the rest of the stairs with loud rumbling.

“Ouch!” you let out, feeling all your muscles and bones ache when you finally came to a standstill.

“Taeyong, someone fell down the stairs!”

You were lying on the ground, many pairs of eyes directed at you from above when you opened your lids, but even among all these faces with your head still dizzy, you were able to make out Jaehyun’s features in the corner.

“Let me through, that’s my sister!”

You felt your body getting lifted up and stabilized by the strong arms of your brother.

“Sis, are you okay?” Taeyong was touching your arms, feet, head, and then your upper body. “Thank god, nothing seems to be broken! Are you alright? Is your head okay? We have to make sure that you didn’t get a concussion from the fall! Come with me.”

Your brother carried you in his arms to the couch, the music having come to a pause, and all the gathered boys’ faces were directed at you. The entire situation suddenly got so embarrassing for you, and if your mother would find out, you’d get one hell of a rebuke!

“It’s okay!” you tried to brush it off. “I’m okay!”

You wanted to jump from the couch when a familiar voice suddenly instructed, “Sit still.”

Jaehyun gave Taeyong a frozen pack of pears that your brother then pressed on the back of your head.

“Look at me.”

That was easy. You weren’t able to look at anything or anyone other than Jaehyun anyway. You got lost in his deep, brown eyes that were always so soft but now so serious. He lifted a finger in front of you.

“Follow my motions.”

You nodded and moved your eyes to the right and left, then back, and then to the right and left again as he wanted.

“How many fingers do you see?”

“Three.” Pause. “One.” Pause. “Four.”

“Does something else hurt besides your head on which you have fallen?”

You shook your head. “Only my limbs and back from the fall. But it’s subsiding.”

“She’s all right,” Taeyong then stated. “Thank god.” He put the pack of pears in your hand. “Then I can scold you now! What were you thinking, lurking on the stairs in the middle of the night in the absolute dark?!”

“I wanted to… The kitchen… water... I-” you stuttered, starting to tremble all over as you got so overwhelmed with the entire situation.

“It’s okay,” Jaehyun interrupted him. “It’s late, she just hurt herself… Just leave it be. How about we get you a glass of water and then I’ll bring you back upstairs, okay y/n?”

Like in a trance, you nodded. You couldn’t believe what he had just offered. “Okay.”

“Then continue serving your guests, Taeyong, I’ll be right back.”

You held onto Jaehyun’s warm hand when you followed him up the stairs back into your bedroom. He had never been here before, and suddenly, you wished your room was a bit more tidied up and your plushies wouldn’t be as scattered as usual.

But Jaehyun didn’t seem to mind as he placed the glass of water on your nightstand while you slipped under your blanket.

“Everything okay? Nothing hurts, right?”

You nodded. “I’m alright.”

“Then, I’m glad.”

Relief resonated in his tone, and his eyes only averted for a second, but this single second was long enough for him to notice something at the other side of the room.

“The crown,” he remarked. “It’s there.”

“Of course,” you answered triumphantly. “It’s my biggest treasure!”

“Then take care of it well.” Jaehyun smiled, walked to the door and switched off the lights. “Sleep well, princess.”

“Goodnight, Jaehyun.”

After he had closed the door, you still thought about the events for a long time, even when the voices downstairs vanished one by one. The touch of his hand embracing your fingers remained until the next morning.

You were seven and crushing on Jaehyun.

____

When You Were 10

You were regularly spending your summer breaks at your grandparents’ house by the seaside, and since Jaehyun couldn’t visit his parents in the US this time as they were too busy with their business, you had decided to tag him along with you.

“Yongie, look!” you called for your brother. “My side is already this big!”

Taeyong sat up and looked over the pile of sand to get a glimpse at your construction. “Beat me, sis!”

“You have to hurry up, we have to finish first before mommy calls us for dinner!”

“Alright, alright,” he gave in with a laugh.

You were sitting there in the sand with your blue swimsuit and a straw hat, wanting to build the biggest sand castle this small seaside town had ever seen. But one person, who had volunteered to help, was still missing, even though he had excused himself quite a while ago already.

“Where is Jaehyun?” you asked your brother and looked around from under your hat. “We can’t get it done without him.”

“I don’t know.” Taeyong shrugged. “You wanna look for him? I have some catching up to do here, huh?”

“Okay!”

You arose from your spot and freed your legs and knees from the sand that had gotten stuck on your skin. It was a hot summer evening, and you would have to leave soon, but not without getting this sand castle done, you were very determined.

Walking to the toilets, you waited there for quite a bit, but Jaehyun wasn’t among the people leaving even five minutes later, so you made your way to the stalls where people were selling food, and indeed, Jaehyun stood there by a table. But he was not alone.

From afar, you spotted two girls who were with him, and it was obvious that they were head over heels for Jaehyun.

Somehow, this bugged you very much, your nails digging into the palms of your hands as you clenched them to fists. Jaehyun was only standing there, talking to them, but that was enough to get you sulking, and you didn’t even know why.

Stomping through the sand back to Taeyong, you still weren’t able to get the picture with him and the two girls out of your head.

“Hey sis, look I’m this far al-”

You jumped into the nearly finished sand castle and walked all over the construction.

“Hey! All the hard work is now gone to waste!” Taeyong complained in disbelief.

“I don’t care! I wanna go home!”

“Did something happen?” he asked you gently as you flopped down on the pile of sand and crossed your arms, pulling the straw hat deep into your face.

“No.”

“Why the sudden mood change then?”

“Whatever. Can we just go home?”

“We have to wait for Jaehyun.”

“No, we can just go without him.”

Taeyong deeply sucked in a rush of air and sat down in the sand right next to you. “I know when something happened and you don’t want to tell me, sis. We’re siblings. We just feel it.”

You wanted to scream from the top of your lungs, not being able to sort these controversial feelings into anywhere as you had never experienced anything like it before.

“We don’t need to wait for Jaehyun as he already has company,” you pressed through gritted teeth.

“Who?”

“Girls.”

“Mhm… I see.”

Only the sound of the sea was audible to you as you continued sitting quietly next to each other, counting the sand grains to your feet.

“Jaehyun is a good looking, sixteen year old guy. Nobody can withhold him from talking to girls or girls coming to him in the first place,” your brother then opened the conversation. “You’ve grown up with the two of us, sis. Of course you’d get attached to him too and view everyone else as a threat to your relationship with him. But him talking to other girls besides you is normal, and you gradually have to accept this.”

You continued to sulk, but as his words slowly dawned on you, you started to make sense of these feelings as well.

“Remember when I brought my female friend home one day and you were on our nerves the rest of the time she was there?”

Of course you remembered. You had been jealous that his entire attention was directed at her only, even though usually, he spent his free time with you.

You hadn’t talked to him the entire next day.

Oh.

“For me, you’ll always be my little sister. Even when I get a girlfriend or will be married one day, you will come first for me.” These words made you smile amongst the chaos within you. “One day, Jaehyun will find someone he loves and wants to spend his life with as well, and this person will be the number one for him - just like you are for me.”

“And why can’t I be that person?”

Taeyong chuckled and his arms wrapped around you for a comforting embrace. “Because you are my person already.”

“And if I want to change that person?”

You laughed out loud together now.

“You wouldn’t want someone to keep us apart as well, right?”

“Of course not!”

Taeyong stopped laughing. “Then you must realize that you can’t act to Jaehyun this way.”

Turning serious again, you inhaled deeply. “I don’t want to be a nuisance to him.”

“You’re not, sis. But if you keep feeling and acting this way, you’re on the verge of being. But don’t worry, you’ll always hold a special place in Jaehyun’s life. I know.”

Somehow, this reassurance from Jaehyun’s best friend calmed you down. In the end, he was the person who knew him the best.

“Hey you two.”

You both looked up, and you had to blink a few times before you recognized Jaehyun in front of you. Speak of the devil.

“I’m sorry that it took me so long,” he apologized. “Some girls wouldn’t let me go, even though this entire time, I was afraid the ice cream would melt. But I still made it on time, I hope.” He held a popsicle right in front of you. “Here, for you.”

“For… me?” you wanted to make sure, and he nodded.

With care, you took the popsicle into your hand.

“What about me?” Taeyong asked.

“Get your own one.”

“Unfair!”

With sparkling eyes, you stared at the popsicle. The sweet liquid was already dripping on your fingers and on the sand underneath you, but you didn’t mind. Amidst everything, he had brought this to you.

“Thank you,” you said gratefully.

“Of course,” Jaehyun smiled.

When you came out of the bathroom after having showered, you passed by Taeyong’s room where he and Jaehyun were residing during your stay. You wanted to barge in to say goodnight before you went to bed, but stopped when you overheard them talking heatedly.

“What about the girls from before?” your brother asked. “You gonna meet them? They were from Seoul too, right?”

“Of course not. You know I’m not going to date anyone.”

“That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be allowed to enjoy your youth.”

You heard Jaehyun laugh. “Yeah, not now. Maybe later.”

Somehow, it set your mind at ease. With a fluttering heart, you walked inside the room and told them, “Goodnight, guys!”

“‘Night, sis.”

“Sleep well, princess.”

You were ten and now knew what jealousy meant.

____

When You Were 13

It was your first time trying to use eyeliner as you stood in the bathroom, painting the black line along your right lid.

“Oh no!” you then exclaimed, having miscalculated the angle again and now in the process of making this line thicker than the one on your left lid. “I’ll never get it right…”

In the end, you considered yourself satisfied with what you had gotten right and put a bit of your mother’s lipstick and blush on. Throwing kisses and posing in front of the mirror, you threw your hair back and forth, inspecting your reflection from every side.

Not flawlessly perfect, you thought, but close to it.

In two inch heels, you walked out of the bathroom with your cutest dress on. From downstairs, you could already hear your brother shouting to your mother across the room that he was taking her car now, so you knew you didn’t have much time left before he’d leave.

“Taeyong!” you called after him, coming down the stairs with rather shaky steps and much slower than you intended. “Taeyong, wait! Can you take me with you and drop me off at Seulgi’s please?”

“Huh? Okay, then hurry up, Jaehyun is on hi-”

He stopped mid-sentence and watched you stop on the ground floor, not having recognized you at first glance.

“What did you do?” Taeyong then yelled, approaching you with hasty steps. “Why do you look like a panda? What’s with these dark eyes? That’s ridiculous!”

He wanted to touch your face, but you slapped his hand away. “That’s eyeliner! Everyone wears that nowadays!” you defended yourself.

“But not a thirteen year old!” he said indignantly. “And that lipstick? Is there a clown parade in the neighborhood I have to know about? Is that why you meet up at Seulgi’s? And what’s with these shoes? You can’t even walk in them! Did you get them from mom? They’re way too big!”

“Of course I can walk in them!” you yelled back at him. “Mind your own business, will you?!”

“You look entirely ridiculous, sis! Go dress yourself properly and wash your face at once! I’m not taking you with me if you look like this!”

“No way!” You stomped with your feet on the ground. “I can dress however I want!”

“Mom!” Taeyong then yelled louder. “Mom, come loo-”

“Knock, knock.”

You both turned around and encountered Jaehyun standing by the open entrance door.

“You didn’t hear me, so I thought I’d just go inside and then I saw you shouting at each other. What’s up even?”

“My sister is up!” Taeyong placed his hand on his forehead as though in exhaustion. “She decided to join the circus today, apparently! Just look at her!”

You felt tears welling up behind your eyes as Jaehyun’s gaze fell upon you. You had only wanted Taeyong to give you a ride, because he and Jaehyun were supposed to go to the sports court to play basketball this evening, and you wanted to take this chance to be close to his friend for a short while.

In a magazine from a classmate, you had read that women usually prettied themselves up before they met with a man they liked, and since your big brother’s best friend was the person you liked, you thought this also applied to you.

In the magazine, you had seen them not only wearing high heels, but also designer dresses and other pretty clothes. Their make up had made them look even more beautiful, and their hair was flowing in long locks over their shoulders.

You thought, for your age and skills, you didn’t look that bad. But in the eyes of 19-year-old boys, you apparently did look like a clown.

Without another word, you turned around and ran up the stairs. Your ankles hurt from all the twisting while walking, but you rather wanted to feel this physical pain instead of the emotional one Taeyong’s further words would make you experience.

You kicked the heels away in front of your bedroom and then disappeared to the inside, throwing yourself onto the bed with your clown face buried into the pillow. Rather than crying, you wanted to scream in anger. Only moments later, sadness kicked in.

You were only a child in these boys’ eyes, so your older brother was probably right. What did you even know? You most likely truly did look like a clown, having made a fool of yourself right in front of Jaehyun’s eyes.

Now, he would never look at you like a woman.

“Go away!” you then shouted as you heard it knock on your door. “I don’t want to talk to you!”

“It’s me.” Pause. “Jaehyun.”

Within a second, you were sitting straight on your bed, your expression lightening up until you realized that he was still your brother’s best friend and probably led a similar way of thinking.

“You don’t have to scold me as well. I know my lesson.”

“I didn’t come to scold you.”

You remained silent for a moment, but then consented, “Come in.”

Thick strands of your hair fell into your face, but you didn’t swipe them away to not have Jaehyun face your panda mien directly. You heard him closing the door behind him, then walking over to your bed.

“You know,” he started as he crouched down in front of you, “there was one thing I never quite understood. And that was how beautiful girls didn’t think they were already beautiful enough.”

You kneaded your fingers in nervousness, his voice clear enough for you to hear, but they didn’t seem to get through your head right away.

“I’ve known you since you were little, y/n. I know how you look when you’ve just woken up, I know how you look when you’re tired, I know how you look when you’re soaked with water… I know all of your faces. And if you don’t want to believe your family, then believe me that you don’t need any makeup to look pretty.”

Your heart jumped a little with each compliment he directed at you. It was the first time that a boy had told you that he found you pretty. And even though you knew Jaehyun only said it to you to appease and simultaneously encourage you, it was enough to force your sadness into a corner.

“But those idols and models in magazines, they also wear makeup and these clothes. Why shouldn’t I also be allowed to feel prettier?” You now had enough courage to look up at him, still reluctant to smile.

“Because…” Jaehyun touched your cheek in a reassuring manner, growing a smile. “You’re still too young to think that you can only go outside when you’re wearing makeup.”

“I won’t think that!”

“Really?” He raised a brow. “Once you start, you will get used to that new face of yours and won’t feel pretty or confident enough naturally. Of course, every woman can wear as much makeup as they want. But I don’t want a young girl like you to think she has to alternate the way she looks already. It feels so wrong.”

From your nightstand, he pulled out tissues from the box and then wiped over your mouth. His gentle gesture was a great contrast to the lightning zapping through your body whenever his fingers closed to your lips, even with the fabric in between.

You stared at him, frozen on the spot, and Jaehyun continued smiling. “If you cannot embrace yourself right now, how will it be later on?”

Letting his words sink in, you had to acknowledge their accuracy. “When can I try then? When I’m older?”

“Well...” He withdrew his hand, the tissue smeared with red color. “When you realize that you don’t need any of it. At all times.”

Not the answer you expected, but you were still content. You helped him wipe over your eyes, turning you into a human again instead of a panda.

“And Taeyong holds the same opinion, trust me,” Jaehyun added when he threw the tissues into the trash can. “He was only shocked to see his little sister so dressed up, like an adult. He just didn’t voice it very well. It’s like that when you have overprotective, big brothers, hm?”

When you followed Jaehyun downstairs, dressed in your usual clothes with no trace of makeup left anymore, Taeyong was already waiting by the stairs, his expression turning from an anxious to a relieved one when he saw you.

“‘’scuse me,” he murmured.

“Me too,” you murmured back to him.

And just like that, like it always was among siblings, the fight was never addressed again.

You rode with Taeyong and Jaehyun to your friend Seulgi, and the smile Jaehyun threw at you when you turned back and waved at them made up for everything that had happened in the past hour.

It was nearly bedtime for you later that night when you sat on the couch in the living room as Taeyong and Jaehyun walked through the entrance door together.

In your pink pajamas, with your hair sticking out to all sides, you probably wouldn’t make it into a fashion magazine. But after Jaehyun’s reassuring words, you weren’t worried about these things anymore as you met his approving gaze when the both of them flopped down to the left and right of yours.

“How was your match?” you asked them.

“I totally destroyed Jaehyun!” Taeyong called him out loudly. “Right?”

“Only by one point,” Jaehyun grumbled.

“In all games!”

You laughed along with them when you heard your mother call you from upstairs to go to bed. You then jumped off from the couch and ran to the stairs.

“Goodnight!”

“G’night.”

“Sleep well, princess.”

You were thirteen and Jaehyun the only boy you had eyes for.

____

When You Were 16

“Where are you going?” Taeyong asked you from the couch, shifting away from the TV and around to you.

You had entered the living room in search of your other high heel, but still didn’t succeed in finding it, and you were already running late. You had dressed yourself in a nice outfit that the shoes would only complete, because tonight was a special occasion.

“On a date,” you deadpanned at your brother, your eyes scanning your left and right.

“Who is it? The guy who’s two years your senior again?”

“Yeah. Can you pick me up from the cinema later?”

He nodded. “Sure. I’ll be there at 11. If you’re not there by then, he’s dead meat.”

You rolled your eyes, but still couldn’t bite down a grin. “Shouldn’t you be studying for your university exams? Isn’t that why you’re spending the time at home? Instead, you’re worried about some high school boy.”

“Trust me, I know how high school boys are, sis, I was one myself,” Taeyong spoke with a serious tone. “Especially the ones in their last year are the worst.”

“Ugh, please, spare me from these stories!” You had seen girls entering and exiting your house more often than you wanted to remember when you had only been eleven. “Just pick me up at 11, okay?”

Taeyong laughed. “Alright, I’ll be there.”

Three hours later, you stood in front of the cinema, waiting for your brother with a sulky expression on your face, the rain mercilessly pouring down at you.

Only minutes later, a black car pulled up on the street in front of you, and you crossed the pavement from the cinema to the vehicle with your hands shielding your face from the rain as you opened the door and hopped inside.

“Thank for coming so qui-”

“Hey.”

The one sitting in the driver’s seat was not your brother though.

“Jaehyun?!”

“Surprise.”

You didn’t see him as often anymore after he had moved to Daejeon to study. Every now and then, he came to visit his grandfather or Taeyong though, and when they were in the mood, they stepped by at your house, but not as often as before and surely for not as long. You wished it would be different though.

Of course, you got it. They were university students now, not school boys anymore with other obligations and commitments in life while you were fully enjoying your teenage years. Jaehyun’s mind would be occupied with other things than visiting his best friend’s little sister.

Throughout the time, Jaehyun had only stayed that for you: a simple crush from your childhood that you admired from afar. And that hadn’t stopped you from meeting other people.

“What are you doing here?” you asked him, perplexed.

“My grandfather has been feeling unwell lately, so I’m staying with him for the week.”

That must have been a spontaneous decision due to an emergency you assumed, because the last time you had asked about Jaehyun, Taeyong hadn’t mentioned anything about it. Or he had simply forgotten due to the stress from university.

“I’m sorry about your grandfather,” you said. “I’m glad I got to see you at least, though.”

Throughout the veil of dripping leftover rain, a smile was visible on your face and Jaehyun audibly let out a rush of air as he started the car. “Taeyong sent me to pick you up as he quickly had to drop by his dorm and grab some books.”

“Ah okay, so he actually did start studying in the end.” You chuckled.

“I came back from the States only yesterday, so he and I haven’t been able to have a good chat yet. We’ll still be catching up though.”

“Have you visited your parents?” you asked him out of curiosity. “Is their company still doing well?”

“Yeah, kind of visiting and kind of learning from their success. I haven’t seen them for very long periods since studying at KAIST, so I took the opportunity to fly over there. And I have to get back when my grandfather is feeling better, ready to return to university for the final exams.”

“Sounds kind of exhausting, jetting between two countries and attending to your family’s duties. Are you alright?”

His eyes widened for a short moment, and you wondered whether you were the first person to ever ask this genuinely.

“I’m okay.” But feeling uncomfortable with the attention, Jaehyun then shifted it back to you. “What about you? How was your date?”

You replied to him, “One word: awful. I don’t think we’re going to continue dating.”

He furrowed. “But why?”

You were pondering whether you wanted to tell him or not as you were still reluctant to spill the entire story. But you knew how nagging Jaehyun could be, so you spared him the details and mainly delivered the necessary parts of the story which consisted of only,

“He can’t kiss, okay? At least I don’t think that’s how kissing is supposed to feel. And I don’t know whether it’s on me or him, but…” you breathed in deeply. “It’s just not working out. He’s the only boy I’ve ever kissed, so I don’t have a comparison, but whenever I think about kissing him, I just want to run away, because it feels so gross and wrong.”

You closed your eyes shut, not wanting to see his expression, but instead, you heard a very loud laughter.

“So funny, huh,” you asked ironically as you opened your eyes again.

“Oh to be a teenager again,” Jaehyun continued laughing.

You got very worked up over that topic. “What if that’s what kissing is like and I just don’t like it? Or what if I just… can’t kiss?”

The words were falling from your lips like an endless stream, and you only realized now that it was Jaehyun you were directing them at. You got so flustered, you wanted to jump out of the car right there and then.

“Well, y/n,” Jaehyun then began as you sank further into your seat as though it would suck you into a deep, black hole. Thank god you would be home in a few minutes. “I can assure you, kissing is indeed a blissful act, nothing that should gross you out or even feel wrong. And if it doesn’t work quite the way you want the first time around, you can only practice. But trust me, it’s an awesome way to express your feelings.”

“I wouldn’t know,” you conceded.

“Yet,” Jaehyun added. “Sometimes, two people just don’t match. That can happen, but don’t let this experience discourage you. One day, you’ll meet a guy, and everything will fall into place. Then, it will feel right. Then, you will think back about your date just now and laugh.”

“So… it’s okay if I tell him that we don’t make a good couple and end it? Over this topic only?”

“Of course. You definitely should if you feel this way. You don’t want to lead him on, right?”

“No, for sure not.”

As always, Jaehyun managed to encourage and cheer on you. It was just such a shame that he wasn’t around as often anymore.

“Hey Jaehyun…” He pulled up in front of your house. “I still have the crown that you gave me.”

Even in the semi-darkness of the car’s insides, you saw how his face brightened up. “Really? That plastic thing?”

“Exactly that.” As he brought his car to a stop, you unbuckled your seatbelt. “By the way… it’s sad that you’re not around as often anymore.”

“Yeah, I think so too. But I just have-”

“-so much to do,” you ended his sentence, the corner of your lips tilting down. “I know. Taeyong always says that as well when I ask about you.”

Jaehyun’s eyes widened. “You do?”

You chuckled and turned to the door, aiming for the handle. “Almost every time when he comes home for the weekend. I think he gets sick and tired of my questions already, but I can’t help myself. When you have free time next summer, let’s go to the seaside again, okay? Good night then, Jaehyun.”

You waited for him to say his usual goodbye line, but as it didn’t come, you wanted to turn around and check on him. Before you could do so though, he had already wrapped his fingers around your wrist and pulled you back into your seat.

Rendered silent, you didn’t know what was happening around you as Jaehyun’s face suddenly hovered over yours, his gaze casting a spell over you, and you couldn’t look away anymore. Your heart was jumping irregularly against your chest, and you feared that he might hear how loud it was as blood rushed to your ears at the same time.

One of his hands found its way onto your cheek and rested there for a moment, letting you relish the warmth as his face drew closer to yours. You had kissed someone only an hour prior, yet you didn’t feel any pang of conscience as you became aware of what this situation implied if you continued.

But you didn’t stop and closed your eyes instead.

For all the time that Jaehyun was gone, you had thought your feelings constantly vanished little by little until they had entirely vanished, brushing them off as a light crush. But the truth was that they had been kept in control on a lukewarm blaze only, ready to inflame again when you were conscious enough to accept their meaning.

And your feelings were very much set aflame when his lips brushed over yours before he leaned in further and captured them fully, deepening the kiss. Parting your mouth in a gentle manner, you let him pass through with his tongue, your fingers searching for support by gripping onto his shirt.

This wasn’t like kissing the guy from before. This felt sweet, endearing and simply… right.

Jaehyun had told you the truth about kissing. It was a heartfelt act that made it possible to convey feelings that couldn’t or didn’t want to be expressed in another way.

The kiss slowed down only after minutes when you were sure that you would run out of breath soon as you still didn’t know how to align your breathing rhythm with the motions. You hoped he hadn’t minded.

“Sleep well, princess,” was what Jaehyun then said after he had pulled away.

You then stood there, in front of your house, totally flabbergasted, the warmth of his lips against yours still present as you touched that exact spot, realizing something very important in your life now. With idle steps, you made your way into the house, trying to sort out your thoughts.

You didn’t want that senior from school. Or another guy. And the reason it hadn’t worked out with him or wouldn’t with anyone else was because your heart would never fully be with them.

It had always only been with Jaehyun.

When Taeyong entered the house an hour later, you hadn’t moved from your spot at the kitchen table where you had taken a seat, staring into space. Your brother was only a shadow in the background you barely perceived as you had a hard time coming to a conclusion with your thoughts.

“How was it, sis? Do I have to beat that guy up?” he asked you.

“No,” you answered absent-mindedly. “It was nice, but I’m still going to stop seeing him, though.”

“Well, okay. Sucks for him, I guess.” Taeyong shrugged. “Whatever makes you happy makes me happy as well. You’ll eventually find the right one, I’m sure about that. You’re still so young.”

With these words, he pulled you out of your thoughts, and you wanted to know further, “Do you mean it, Yongie? From sibling to sibling?”

“That you’ll eventually find the right one?”

“Whatever makes you happy makes me happy, I mean.”

“Of course.” He nodded at you encouragingly.

If this was the case, then he wouldn’t mind your feelings for Jaehyun. Why should he even? Jaehyun was his best friend. If there was someone he would surely approve of, then it would be Jaehyun, out of all people.

This. This was it.

You wanted to wait then.

For you to grow more mature and attain your majority. When you were ready, you wanted to pursue a relationship with him. You were just afraid that Jaehyun couldn’t wait for just as long. But you wanted to give it your best.

Your light crush on your brother’s best friend was long gone.

You were head over heels in love with him now.

____

When You Were 19

“Now, a picture with your brother!”

You got closer to Taeyong who then put an arm on your waist, holding one of your flower bouquets while you were being kept occupied with the other ones. Yet, you were still smiling and holding up a peace-sign into your parents’ camera.

“I’m so proud of you, sis!” He hugged you for the nth time that morning.

“Ah, come on, Yongie! You just had your graduation ceremony as well, don’t discredit your own success!”

“Only because I enlisted in the meantime, so it’s nothing special in comparison to you graduating from high school. And then, you’re going to study at Ewha!”

Ewha Womans University. You had been dreaming of getting in ever since you were very young, having worked hard throughout the past years to pass the entrance exams. At last, academically, everything had worked out for you.

“Congratulations from me as well.”

That voice… You turned around just to meet a face you hadn’t seen in more than two years.

“Jaehyun…”

The moment you spotted him, your heart started to pound faster and hotness shot into your cheeks.

“I invited him, sis!” your brother clarified. “He was in town and couldn’t miss your graduation, right?”

Jaehyun’s grandfather had died before he decided to enlist right after graduating from university. You hadn’t known that he was back in town, but now he stood here in front of you again, having changed so much and not at all at the same time.

He had matured outwardly in the years you hadn’t seen each other.

When people grew up side by side, such a process naturally passed by them, but since you had been apart with no contact, he seemed like an entirely new person to you now, not the boy in his early twenties you had last seen.

He was a 25-year-old young man now, but still the very same person you were in love with.

As for you, you had grown up as well. You had not only mastered the art of makeup, but gotten your driver’s license and would soon move out to start living in a dorm when university started. Yes, you had also dated in the meantime, but none of the guys came close to the one you had been waiting for.

Jaehyun hugged you tightly, and you were sure that he must have felt your heavy heartbeat against his chest when he pressed you close to his firm physique.

“Ah, give me the flowers,” Taeyong then offered to you. “She can’t carry more. Here, hold Jaehyun’s instead. Wait here, I’ll bring them to the car. Where are our parents again? Man…”

Your brother disappeared the next moment, leaving you two all by yourself. The surroundings radiated a hectic atmosphere with all the students and family members running up and down, taking photos and talking, yet to you, it felt like you and Jaehyun were in your own world.

“What brings you to Seoul?” you asked him with a smile. “Not my graduation only, I assume.”

“That too, though.”

You raised a brow. “What else?”

Jaehyun’s parents were running a successful company in the States, but Jaehyun himself had never really been involved in it. They had rarely come to visit here, he had only stayed with his grandfather in Korea.

“A goodbye.”

He had only stayed in Korea for his grandfather…

“A… goodbye?”

But his grandfather was now dead.

“I’ve graduated from a prestigious university, my enlistment period is over, I have no one to take care of here anymore… it’s time for me to move on and follow in my parents’ footsteps like they wanted. My time in Korea is up now.”

You bit into your bottom lip, shaking your head, still desillusional to the truth. “But this is Korea, Jaehyun. You have always been here. Why would you go to the States?”

“Because this is why I’ve come here in the first place. First, my grandfather had to take care of me when I was only a child so that I could graduate from school. Then, I had to take care of him while working towards my graduation from a university. Now that I’ve achieved everything my parents had wanted me to, I can follow them to the States.”

“But… that doesn’t make any sense. You belong here, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun was struggling with non-emotional explanations too, you saw it. “I feel so too. I haven’t felt so at home at any other place. Only at your house. You were my family when I had barely one.”

“Then why do you go away? Stay here, simple as that.” You just couldn’t wrap your head around it.

“Sometimes, it’s not that simple.” He tilted his head as though he was pondering whether to say something he was still holding back or not. “Actually, I was supposed to leave after high school to study in the States already. But since I’ve gotten into KAIST, they let me stay. You know why I desperately wanted to stay here and applied to that university?”

You shook your head.

“Because I didn’t want to leave you behind.”

With your mouth agape, you didn’t know what to respond to him as simultaneously, you felt your heart sink. There was nothing to be happy about, so you calmed down your excitement over his confession. This scene wouldn’t close with a happy end.

“You were only six when we got introduced to each other. I’ve seen you grow throughout the years, yet for me, you’ve always stayed that six year old girl who came running towards her older brother and stopped in her tracks, because she spotted an unfamiliar person. I wanted to protect that little girl forever.”

His flower bouquet was rustling in your hands. That sound seemed very near, but Jaehyun’s voice was miles away. Was it because you didn’t want to listen to his continuing words?

“You’re scared of the dark, you stumble very often, you nearly cry when you get startled, you can’t watch horror movies and you still eat watermelon like a little child. How could I leave this innocent, precious girl behind?”

“Is this how you see me?” you asked through pressed lips. “As a little girl? Because I’m not one anymore.”

“Of course you’re not a little girl anymore. But you’ll always stay your brother’s little sister for me.”

Jaehyun disappeared behind strands of your hair that the breeze had gotten loose from your bun, and your gaze now dropped to the flowers in your hands.

Of course. In your high school uniform, you couldn’t possibly be the right match for someone who had already graduated from university and would now move to the other side of the world to co-lead a company.

Years of waiting went down the drain just like that.

“Back then… have I also only been Taeyong's little sister to you?”

You didn’t even need to give further hints. He knew exactly what you meant. In his eyes, you saw how much he struggled with himself right now. No, you weren’t wrong. Back then, he had expressed his feelings for you as well. You hadn’t been the only one.

You weren’t just his best friend’s little sister.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into my mind back then,” Jaehyun tried to backpedal. “I shouldn’t have done that. I mean… A sixteen year old girl?”

“What about it?” you pressed the topic. “It would have been controversial when I was thirteen and you were nineteen. It would have been controversial when I was fifteen and you were twenty-one. But now? Nobody cares whether it’s nineteen and twenty-five or twenty-two and twenty-eight. Thirty and thirty-six? Nobody cares two hoots about it! I’m a grown up, young woman now. Please view me as one as well!”

As he didn’t answer, you felt tears burning around the rims of your eyes. Jaehyun lifted his hand to comfort you, but retracted it at the last moment.

“You can’t, right?” was your conclusion. “Even if you wanted to, you can’t. I will always be your best friend’s little sister in your eyes, right? The one who came running at you in her princess gown which you completed with a plastic crown, who fell down the stairs and had to be accompanied by you back to her room. The little girl who sulked at the beach and only got happier when you gifted her a popsicle, who you helped clean off her first makeup attempt. Who you… made so happy, showing what it was like to be kissed in a heartfelt way.”

“Y/n, I…”

“I get it, Jaehyun. You don’t have to vindicate yourself.” Your lips formed a thin line, almost hurting, and you tried to stay strong, swallowing down all the tears. “For me, you’re my big brother’s best friend who I had a crush on when I was only a little child. But you are also the person I fell in love with when I was a teenager and who I want to be with now that I’m all grown up. But you cannot seem to move on from the stigma I have in your eyes. And as long as you cannot do this, I’ll always stay your best friend’s little sister.”

The day you graduated from high school was also the day you got your heart broken.

“I wish you all the best for your new life in the States.”

Yet, as you walked away from Jaehyun, you held your head up high, proudly crossing the schoolyard, greeting and bidding farewell to everyone who addressed you. You couldn’t even remember their faces anymore as only one was on your mind.

Taeyong and your parents were waiting by the car when you arrived, and you pretended that everything was fine when they asked where Jaehyun was.

“He didn’t want to come with us,” you lied.

You had asked him to stay away, and he obeyed.

Taeyong’s gaze rested on you the entire way home while yours was absent-mindedly directed at the side window. Your heart was bleeding, but you kept it together from the outside.

But a sibling’s eyes were able to see more than others’ eyes.

“Sis,” your brother then began, “there is something I need to tell you.”

____

When You Were 21

You watched your sister-in-law in her white gown where she was sitting at the table, beaming at your older brother. The DJ was playing a romantic and well-known song in the background while the MC aimed for the center of the improvised dance floor to incite the guests to dance.

A mild, salty breeze was blowing through the festive tent under which you were sitting, your bare feet buried in the sand under your table. Your fingers closed around the champagne glass in front of you, and you led it to your mouth, downing it all at once.

“Enjoying the reception?” Taeyong was by your side the next moment, taking the seat next to you.

“Yeah, absolutely,” you assured him honestly.

You hadn’t been to your grandparents’ house these past years, but now, you had all gathered here in this small town again to celebrate your big brother’s wedding. Your entire family from all across the country had arrived along with Taeyong’s friends from all the different phases in his life so far.

“Even though Jaehyun is here?”

You cringed at his words, your eyes, that had tried to avoid that specific direction, rolling to the exact person that had just been mentioned. He was sitting at the table across the hall from you, chatting with his friends from school. Then, your eyes returned to your brother’s now wife.

“If she hurts you, I’m going to hurt her as well.”

“Sis…”

“I can understand now even better why you didn’t want him to hurt me, Yongie.” You tilted your head to the side, smiling at Taeyong from that angle. “He had to leave sooner or later to go live somewhere else and thus breaking my heart.”

“He didn’t want to date anyone while he was here, and trust me, almost every girl at our school tried to shoot her shot.”

You snickered. “I know.”

“When I told him that he would never be allowed to hurt my sister, he took it very seriously. I’m sorry that I haven’t seen it coming that he hurt you by doing exactly that.”

“Yongie.” You paused. “We’ve talked about that topic so many times already. And I can tell again: stop blaming yourself. You did nothing wrong. You didn’t tell him to raise my hopes up and then dump me. You only told him to spare me from any kind of pain. That he hurt me eventually is only his fault.”

“I wish that I would have been able to spare you from this pain as well as your older sibling.”

You shrugged. “That’s part of growing up, huh? Even you can’t spare me from falling in love with someone and experiencing heartbreak. The heartbreaks after that weren’t that severe.”

“So it’s truly over between you and that guy?” your brother asked. “Is that why you’ve come without a plus one?”

“Yeah. When he scheduled a viewing with the realtor for us to move in together next year, I figured that wasn’t what I wanted.”

“What is it that you want then, sis?”

Your eyes looked over to Taeyong’s bride, then shifted back to him. “Exactly what you have.”

You halted the conversation and sat by side in silence for a while, watching the MC and other guests playing games.

“Jaehyun is staying in Korea now,” Taeyong pulled you out of your thoughts again. “His parents will open a branch here and he’s going to lead it.”

You didn’t know what to say. At first, you didn’t feel anything. Then, you felt everything at once. Anger, sadness, despair, but also happiness and excitement. You were in such an intense emotional turmoil, your brother’s statement having suddenly shaken your entire world in which you had settled with the thought of not having Jaehyun even on the same continent as you.

“Excuse me, Yongie.” You arose from your seat, suddenly getting suffocated by the heavy atmosphere, even though you were partially outside at a beach. “I need some fresh air.”

And you straight up walked out of the tent.

Five minutes later, you were standing by the shore, having your eyes closed and listening to the background noise of the reception that took place behind you. The water touched your toes with every next wave, forming a great contrast to that stifling feeling from earlier. The sound of music and faded conversations that came from the location behind you blended in well with the sound of the ocean by night with no one around but you.

Your ears then eavesdropped footsteps approaching in your direction though, disrupting the peaceful quietness, but you didn’t turn around to make out the person. You already knew who it was. And this time, you were ready to breathe again.

“Why didn’t you tell me the truth?” you asked Jaehyun, opening your eyes. “Three years ago, when we last saw each other… why didn’t you tell me that you’ve promised my brother to never hurt me and thus rejected me?”

“Because, at that point, I already did,” he responded to you, the sand giving in under his bare feet. “I saw in your eyes how much pain I made you feel after getting your hopes up with that kiss and then not being able to act on my true feelings because of my obligations. I have only promised him one thing. And even that, I haven’t been able to keep. The person he trusted the most eventually hurt the person he loved the most. It’s been haunting me ever since, because if I hadn’t kissed you, things might have played out differently.”

“I would have understood,” you asserted as he suddenly stood next to you, facing the ocean as well. “That your stay in this country was only temporary, and that Taeyong only didn’t want you to develop feelings and act on them, because you’d eventually have to leave.”

“Even if, would that have stopped you from developing feelings for me after what happened between us? I was supposed to be the mature one. Yet, in the end, it was me acting like a child, led by feelings.”

You tilted your head to the side. “In the end, it was never about me being your best friend’s little sister, but sparing me from a heartache, am I right?”

“Your brother said that no one should ever hurt you. Not even me.”

You stretched yourself, raising your arms in the air. “We would have made it work somehow.”

“I know how much you love your family and this country. Ever since you were a little child, you never wanted to go anywhere else. I couldn’t be the one partially forcing you to live in another country.”

“And now?” you asked, inhaling deeply.

“I’m back now. And I’m going to stay as my parents opened their asian branch here and want me to lead it.”

You ignored your faster heart rate. “I’m another person now, Jaehyun.”

“I’ve embraced every person you have evolved yourself into ever since we’ve known each other. And I gradually fell in love with every single one of them. When you were a child, I wanted to protect you from everything evil. When you turned into a teenager, I suppressed every slight urge to kiss you on the spot. When you have become that beautiful young woman, I had to withhold myself to confess my undying love for you. I switched from wanting to be your protector to wanting to be your lover as well.”

You blinked away your tears. “For… so long already?” you whispered. “You’ve been having feelings for me for so long?”

“I haven’t seen you as my best friend’s little sister for many years already.” His voice was soft, tempting.

You swallowed, hard. “I didn’t sit around, waiting for you, Jaehyun. I’ve built my own life, I’m independent now.”

“Of course,” he agreed, seemingly more to himself. “I wasn’t expecting that. I just thought that… you might still be interested in pursuing a relationship with me on the off chance. But if you don’t feel this way anymore, then I can understand.”

Jaehyun waited around for a few more moments, but without hearing you utter another word, he assumed the answer was clear, so he intended to head back. With the sand scrunching under his feet, he slowly walked away from you.

It didn’t take you much longer to turn around to him and reveal, “I was supposed to move in with my boyfriend next year after university.” He didn’t stop distancing himself from you yet though. “But I broke up with him right before I got here.”

Then, Jaehyun finally came to a halt, and you approached him slowly from behind. “You did?”

“But not because of you, Jaehyun,” you made clear to him. “I deeply loved him, I truly did. And I was only able to come that far, because I’ve gotten over you. I’ve moved on from you. But in the end, he wasn’t what I exactly wanted.”

“And what is it that you now want?”

Still facing his back, you answered confidently, “A life independent from someone else. Even from my brother. I’ve grown up with you both constantly by my side. Only throughout the past years, I’m slowly learning who I truly am, and I’m still in the process of doing so. My life’s been great, and I would love to continue living like this.”

You saw him bobbing his head. “I understand.”

“...with you by my side.”

Jaehyun faltered. “W… what?”

“If we had gotten together back then, I would have spent my youth shaping my future around you. But like this, I was able to live the life I really wanted to find out who I am and what I wanted. And even though I truly wanted to be with someone else… I know that a little six-year-old girl would be hella at me if I don’t pursue what she had always wanted. Because the truth is, Jaehyun, in every childhood, there’s someone we can’t forget. I always told myself to never wait around that long though.” You wiped away a tear from your cheek. “But you came back.”

“But I came back,” he repeated and slowly turned around to you. “And this time, I intend to stay.”

“For how long?” you asked, drying your cheeks with the back of your hands.

“I hope…” He paused, enclosing your face with his warm palms, “This time, I can stay forever.”

____

You overlooked the scenery that unfolded in front of your sight. From the tent at the beach, you still heard faint voices and music playing, yet you had decided to return to your grandparents’ house already after having talked to Jaehyun, now having gotten up in the middle of the night to still enjoy the silence of the sea before the whole world would wake up.

Not too long anymore, and the sun would start rising. You tied the blanket tighter around your naked body, your shoulders still exposed to the breeze that grazed along your skin, causing you goosebumps. Leaning over the balustrade, you closed your eyes and inhaled the salty air, a peaceful smile on your lips.

You shuddered when you suddenly felt a warm touch on that spot of your skin that seemed cold to you. A very welcoming contrast.

“Cannot sleep?” Jaehyun asked you as he pressed himself against you from behind, taking you in his arms and sharing his warmth.

You shook your head. “I’m still… so excited. Happy. How are you supposed to find sleep when there is just so much going on inside you?”

He rested his chin on your shoulder, tickling you. “I feel the same.”

“I remember… when I was ten, we spent a summer here together. And I found you with other girls while searching for you. That was when I first experienced jealousy. But then, you came back with a popsicle only for me.”

Jaehyun chuckled. “Unknowingly, you were the only girl in my life for a very long time. When it first crossed my mind that my feelings may exceed those of brotherly love, I found you standing in the rain after a failed date.”

“I was sixteen at that time, and after our first kiss, there hadn’t been anyone else except for you. I wanted to wait until I was ready for you.”

“I’m sorry that I have made you wait for so long.” He truly sounded regretful, but you knew already as you had spent the majority of the night talking about the past among… finally taking your relationship to another, physical level. “I must confess something though,” Jaehyun then broke it down to you. “When I was in the US, I was engaged.”

“Oh.” Your whole body froze up, but you weren’t surprised at all. He was attractive, intelligent and successful. Every woman would want someone like Jaehyun. “Why did you break it off?”

“Because... “ He placed another kiss on your naked body, this time on the side of your neck. “There was only one little girl I promised to marry. And she was living on the other side of the world.”

“Me?” you asked, confused. “You promised to marry me?”

“Silly. You totally forgot, hm? You were six and I was twelve when you asked for my hand in marriage. I was so shocked, I didn’t quite know what to respond! But from that moment on, I promised to you and myself that I would protect you forever.”

You counted yourself lucky for the fact that the night sky concealed the embarrassment showing on your cheeks. There were many fond memories you had been holding of Jaehyun, but you were also aware that many other ones were missing. For example your proposal.

“Look who’s getting all shy!”

“I was six, I probably didn’t know what that meant!”

“You knew very well.” Jaehyun grabbed you by your upper arms and moved you around to face him. Even now, under the dim moonlight, you still couldn’t believe that he was finally here. And yours. “The question is, y/n, whether you’re aware that you cannot take a proposal back.”

“Well…” You gulped before taking that step. “Are you aware that you cannot take your answer back as well?”

“Very well,” he agreed.

Bending down, Jaehyun placed his lips on yours for the nth time that night, and as your kiss deepened and his arms wrapped around your still covered waist, you knew that you probably wouldn’t get too much sleep anymore until it was time for the family brunch the next morning.

You felt his fingers crawling up between your thighs, parting the thin blanket around your legs. The cool breeze swirled strands of your hair up into the air as you rested your forehead on Jaehyun’s shoulder, his fingers working upwards until he reached your core that then started to throb against his palm.

“H...here?” you asked him between breaths and spread yourself further for him.

“Mhmm,” Jaehyun hummed, his hot breath hitting your earlobe as he turned his head to you. “No one can see us and the view is splendid.”

“So you’re that kind of a guy, hm?”

Having slept with Jaehyun for the first time earlier that night was kind of… awkward for not only you, but him as well. You had been friends for the majority of your childhood, so shaking off the sisterly admiration as well as crossing the inhibition level had turned out to be a big step to take that you both had underestimated.

There had been a lot of “uhm”s and “eeeh”s, a lot of surreptitious glances, and a lot of sexual advances that had failed and needed to be repeated, but also a lot of loving words to overcome these inhibitions and just let go. You weren’t a virgin anymore and he wasn't either, it was all just in your head.

The Jaehyun that still lived in your memories was the Jaehyun from your childhood and teenage years. The Jaehyun here with you now was the one you hadn’t seen nor interacted with for years, a grown up man who offered himself to be your romantic partner in life, not a sibling-like acquaintance anymore.

And once your mind had realized that as well, you found yourself under him, enjoying his stroking game that was just top notch.

You mewled quietly when he slowly but deliberately pushed two fingers into you, and your hands reached for the balustrade behind you for support. No, he definitely wasn’t someone you looked at like a sibling anymore. He had been able to prove to you that he was way more than that within the past hours only.

Your breaths came in hitches as Jaehyun worked with his fingers inside of you, pumping in and out at a rhythmic pace. With your legs shaking, you had a hard time continuing standing steadily, afraid your knees would give in at any moment.

The blanket that had kept your bare body hidden from the moonlight and warm from the cool sea breeze then slipped over your arms, passed by your waist, and finally dropped to your feet. Jaehyun himself was still only in his boxers, so it was an easy job for you to hook your fingers into the waistband and pull the underwear down so that he was exposed in front of you as well.

Supporting your elbows on the parapet, you arched your spine and threw your head back as Jaehyun started to rub his full palm over your folds, giving your clit just the right amount of friction with each stroke to swell against his hand.

He brushed with his lips over the side of your neck until he found the right spot and started to nibble on it. You moaned quietly as he stimulated you in two places simultaneously, and for the break of a second, as you suddenly realized that you were here on the balcony, exposed to the very wide world, you froze up. But then again, as his teeth buried themselves into your side, you forgot all of your worries and relished the act.

You bucked your hips against Jaehyun’s flat hand, close to your release already, when he let go of you and made you turn around to face him with your back. The untouched steel from the balustrade felt cold against your ribs as you let out a gasp after having Jaehyun smack your bum, the sound echoing throughout the calm night.

Your fingers wrapped tightly round the metal as you bent over backwards and had him spread your cheeks. With knuckles turning white and front teeth sinking into your bottom lip, you let him enter from behind with no problems as you were already so wet.

Jaehyun was pressed hard against your back as you shuffled to find the right posture for him. Shortly later, you had your arms finding support in a crossing position on the railing with your chin resting on them, your back forming a nearly straight line where it ended with your bum getting connected to Jaehyun.

His fingers submerged into the flesh around your thighs, and you had to bite down a scream when he plunged deep into you for the first time. Where your sight was directed at the nighttime scenery in front of you, you had it now dropped as you took every stroke of him with delight, protruding your bottom even higher as it felt more intense to you this way.

Slapping sounds mixed with your moans chimed throughout the night, possibly loud enough for your neighbors to not miss what was exactly going on on your balcony. You rigidly held your body against his, giving in with every slam that came down, but also bouncing back to position whenever he withdrew.

Only Jaehyun changed your position when he brought your bodies together to a more intimate standing position and held you against the balustrade, one of his hands rubbing against your clit, the other massaging your breasts while he was sucking on your neck at the same time all while still moving inside of you.

You had no idea how he was doing that, but thinking back, Jaehyun had always been good at multitasking, you remembered. And as you were standing there on the balcony, getting penetrated and stimulated on so many levels, emotionally and physically, you were sure you could faint right there on the spot.

But instead, you came all over him, inside and outside, silently and vocally. Your hand grabbed the back of his head, the other searching for the rail to have something that supported you in case you’d truly faint.

Jaehyun was holding you throughout all your small and big waves of highs, holding you closely when you shuddered and mewled in his arms, almost forgetting to enjoy his own release that followed right after yours, and you supported him just as much as he had supported you.

Shortly later, when you were all cleaned and cuddled up in the bed again, you confessed something to him.

“Actually,” you started, lying on your side and facing Jaehyun. “I still have the crown that you gave me.”

“No way!” he exclaimed and pulled the blanket over the both of you. “That old plastic thing?”

“As I said,” you continued, right before well earned sleep finally got the better of you, “it’s my biggest treasure.”

You still felt the softness of his lips on your forehead before passing out.

“Sleep well, princess.”

____

When You Were 6

“And then, he just called me ‘granny’! Only because of the bun my mom made me this morning!” you sobbed into your hands, sitting on the terrace. “Now, all the boys in my class call me like this and they won’t stop! I will never wear a bun to preschool again!”

You reached with one hand into your hair, fiddling with the elastic that held your strands together on the very top of your head. You had wanted to complain to your older brother, but he wasn’t home yet, and instead, you had found his new friend in your garden, opening up to him now.

“Leave it!” Jaehyun told you and seated himself next to you. “I find that bun suits you. It’s cute on a little girl like you.”

Through a teary vision, you made eye contact with him. “You… think so?”

Jaehyun nodded euphorically. “Don’t listen to boys your age. They can be very silly at times.”

You looked up to him with big eyes. “Jaehyun!”

“Hm?” He smiled.

“Later on, I don’t want to marry such guys!” you blurted out clearly. “I want to marry you! Because you’re not as mean as them. You’re kind.”

With slightly opened lips, he stiffened. But not for long though. His smile broke through a second later again, his features solemn and soft.

“Look!” Jaehyun arose, took you by your hand and helped you up. “Right now, you’re still a little girl. So grow up fast, okay? Then we can marry.”

“Okay!”

You pumped your fist in the air, sealing a deal that seemed so uncoerced and comfortable to you at that moment, of which impact you weren’t fully aware of yet though, and which you would forget in a few years from now on.

But Jaehyun…

… he had always remembered.

Although at the moment of the promise, Jaehyun hadn’t taken it seriously. He had thought that you were only speaking from the top of your head, aiming for a little girl’s fantasy who grew up with an overprotective older brother. He had hoped you’d dismiss it from your mind when time flew by.

And you actually did.

Whereas Jaehyun was the one who had never been able to forget.

#have you considered #a marriage sequel #dearest author? #please do #I'm literally bawling why was this so cute #it made my heart do the thing :'( <3

[freakie-deakie]

this made me 😰😠🤬🤭🙃😐😑😔😧🤔😌😚🥺🥰 in exactly that order

Smiles

Xiaojun x Reader ft Jacob (The Boyz)

Requested Prompt 22 soulmate AU

Genre: Angst with happy ending.

WC: 4.9k

Warning: Swearing, suggestive.

Masterlist

requests are closed for the rest of the month.

Please excuse any grammatical error

The thing they don't tell you about your soulmate is that they don't have to like you back at all. They don't have to want you back, they aren't obligated to you and they don't owe you shit.

You wish someone had had the sense to explain this to you before you filled your head with this idyllic situation, in which you would see the boy you're destined to be with and the world would click into place.

Xiaojun was preppy, a constant smile glued to his face. A smile that always made it to his eyes and lit the room that he was in, a smile that made everyone around him smile. A real smile, a beautifully cruel real smile.

It wasn't his only smile though, he had another one. One that he reserved for you, one where his lips tilted up to one side, one he would show you in the dark before he'd leave you when the light came.

That smile was ugly, that smile was reserved for the one that trapped him. That made him feel like he was suffocating like he was losing control.

You were that one.

The world frowns upon the rejection of a soulmate, Xiaojun knew that.

That doesn't mean he didn't reject you though. It just means that he rejected you behind closed doors.

It just meant that you had to keep your tears to yourself, because the embarrassment of it was too much, the pain of it too raw.

You let your forehead touch the cool wall of the shower, the water turning cold from how long you'd been in there.

Your skin was wrinkled and your limbs shivering, but you made no move to get out. Xiaojun would be waiting outside, he was over a couple of times a week.

"It's not like I can just freely do anything with anyone anymore, so we might as well use each other in the ways that we can."

You closed your eyes before plunging your head until the cold spray, trying your best to let your thoughts give way to the sound of the water.

It didn't work. It never worked.

You cursed your heart for loving his warm touches, for loving the way his lips felt against yours, your own body fucked you over when it came to it.

You were very much defenceless against Xiaojun.

Running your fingers over the mark on your collarbone, you cursed it as well. Wasn't the universe supposed to know what it was doing? Wasn't it not supposed to make mistakes?

You took a second to gather yourself before you turned the water off. You took your time drying off before leaving your bathroom.

He was waiting for you as you expected, fallen back into your bed, his legs off the end. He was scrolling on his phone his face pinched in concentration. He didn't even turn to you as you stepped into your own room.

Shaking your head to try and not give it thought you crossed your room towards your closet. As you tried to pick something to wear you heard him get off the bed and come towards you. His fingers tugging at your towel, you let him.

"You took really long in there." He said, no longing in his voice. Those words were not said the way you once dreamt someone would say them to you.

You could, however, detect the lust, you knew that if you turned around and looked at his face you would see his darkened eyes, the hunger in them for sex.

You weren't someone he loved or cherished you were just a plaything for him, one that he was given when he didn't ask.

The unwanted Christmas gift.

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you let the towel drop as he tugged on it once last time. You let his hands roam the expanse of your cold skin. Closing your eyes and forcing trying to create some kind of mental shield you let his lips trail warm kisses down your jaw.

—

In the beginning, you'd tired, you'd made every effort you could think of. Asking him to see a movie with you, or go to a festival, even offered to pay. But he turned down each one.

Somehow today he'd asked you to come with him to the club, but of course, that was nothing for you to get your hopes up. You had let them though, only for it all to slap you in the face.

You'd spent three hours getting ready, only for him to ignore you for the night and flirt with other girls, but you should have expected it. You were still unsure as to why he even took you out.

You watched from the bar, a glass of water in your hand that you slowly sipped on.

Your anger was starting to bubble up in the pit of your stomach, it heated your skin as it slowly spread across your body making its way to your brain.

You weren't someone that easily got mad, in fact, you were really patient with people. Sometimes too patient.

You finally saw red, when Xiaojun dipped his head to a girls face pulling her against his as they danced, his lips brushing against hers.

You sneered at the distant couple before pushing off the bar and looking around the room.

Why was he the only one that got to have fun?

"Hey," His voice came from behind you, and it couldn't have come at a better time. Turning around you met the eyes of a stranger, his dark hair swept back off his forehead. You couldn't help but take in his attire your eyes raking over his body, the plain white t-shirt doing wonders for his frame.

"Hey," You replied.

"Can I buy you a drink?" He asked, his head tilting to the side. You simply nodded and let him lead you to the bar. You forced Xiaojun to the back of your brain as you watched the guy in front of your order.

His lips moved but you couldn't hear what he was saying you were taken aback by how good he looked.

You blinked quickly when he turned to smile at you, a full smile that met his eyes. You felt your face warm as you smiled back.

"My name is Jacob." He replied, you were about to tell him your name, but you were interrupted by the arrival of your drinks.

He passed you yours with the same smile. The smile that was making its way to the pit of your stomach, filling you with this sense of warmth that you hadn't felt in a long time.

"I didn't get your name." He said. You quickly swallowed the sip you had in your mouth and told him your name.

"Pretty name." He whispered leaning towards you.

"So why are you out alone?" He asked.

Your eyes did a sweep of the room, looking for Xiaojun as you thought of a reply.

Xiaojun was still on the dance floor, the girl's ass pressed to his crotch as they danced.

"Boredom, I guess." You replied and looked down at your drink. You didn't think much about your next actions. Instead quickly downing the liquid before turning to face the bar again.

"Wanna dance?" You asked slamming the glass onto the counter of the bar.

Jacob looked at you slightly confused but quickly nodded. He set his barely touched drink on the bar and let you hold his hand as you dragged him to the dance floor.

You pulled him in, snaking your arms around his shoulders as you started to sway to the beat of the song. Jacob followed your pace, placing his hands onto your hips he pulled you closer to him.

The songs blended together the longer you danced, the drink from earlier heating your blood. You shoved Xiaojun into a box, far, far off in the back of your head. You only focused on the moment, the feeling of Jacob's body against, the feeling of someone picking you not being stuck with you.

You relished in the high of it.

"What are you doing?" the words were whispered against your face in a harsh tone. For a second you couldn't comprehend what was happening until your body collided with his.

Then you knew exactly who it was.

Xiaojun.

You snapped out of his hold, your hand reaching out for Jacob.

"What the fuck man?" Jacob exclaimed, his arm circling around you.

Xiaojun reached for you again.

"Fuck off man, this is between her and me." He said waving Jacob off.

Jacob pulled you behind him, getting in between you and Xiaojun.

"Touch her again and I'll break your face."

You looked away from the scene and were met with the eyes of the crowded club. People in the vicinity were staring at the exchange. Blood rushed to your face as the embarrassment caught up with you. Swallowing thickly, you pushed past the two boys and made for the exit.

"Hey, hey wait," Jacob called for you, taking large steps to catch up with your fast gait, you slowed for him just a fraction.

You didn't speak for a few minutes as you both made it half a block away from the club. Jacob didn't ask any questions, he simply walked with you silently.

"Sorry." You finally said. Stopping to lean on the side of a building, your arms crossing over your chest.

"Is that your ex?" He asked.

"Soulmate." You hung your head as you spoke, your hair acting as a curtain hiding you from his expression.

You heard him sigh.

"He seems like a douche bag." He said.

You shrugged. Not knowing what to say. It's not like he was wrong.

"Thanks for walking with me, but I'm just going to head home. Sorry for ruining your night." You pushed off the wall, you took three steps before Jacob spoke again.

"I would ask for your number, with a soulmate like that I should ask for your number. But it seems complicated." You turned to look at him over your shoulder.

"It is."

—

You muted Xiaojun's number and his texts. Ignoring him was gonna have to be the way it was. Screw the fucking universe and it's stupid game of cupid. You didn't need a soulmate especially if the man was gonna treat you like gum on the bottom of his shoe.

You rid yourself of your clothes and sink into the bath you'd drawn yourself. Allowing your muscles to relax into the warm water, you laid your head back and closed your eyes.

You must have dozed off because you woke up to a loud crash from your living room. Freaking out you quickly got out of the bathtub. wrapping your robe around you, you paced the bathroom.

Were you supposed to go outside and confront whoever the fuck it was? Or stay in the bathroom and call the police. Reaching for your phone you checked the time. It was four am.

There were about fifteen calls from Xiaojun along with many more texts. You opened the chat, quickly realizing that he had a key and was most likely the one in the apartment.

Rolling your eyes you pulled open the bathroom door and went to the living room. He was indeed there sitting on your couch, a lamp knocked over on the ground.

"That was an accident." He mumbled, you ignored his words, he was clearly still drunk.

"Why are you here?" You asked instead, the anger you felt earlier in the night creeping back up your system.

"I'm awful to you." He muttered. You froze, not knowing what to say. He clearly was going to listen to anything you were going to say.

"I treat you like shit, but you've been putting up with me for such a long time and I've just been taking advantage of that. It hurt to see you with him. I'm so fucking stupid." He leaned back into your couch, his eyes closed.

You stayed unmoving in your spot.

What did he think he was doing? Did he think saying that would fix it?

"I'm such a fucking bitch." His words were slurred.

You watched as his breathing slowed and he passed out on your couch. You rolled your eyes and turned around heading back into your room.

—

He was still there when you woke, his body sprawled out on your couch.

He looked perfect when he was sleeping, you'd noticed this before. His features relaxed, his typical scowl that often only you were graced with nowhere in sight.

He was his simplest self, his most palatable self. He wasn't smiling brilliantly at others or sardonically at you. He was just there, his breathing soft and quiet.

You made your way to the kitchen, pulling out things for breakfast, you made enough for two people. You weren't sure if he'd actually stay to eat, he never had before. You didn't really know If you wanted him to, you were still upset with him from last night.

Shaking your head, to rid yourself of the thoughts that you had no answer to, you tried to focus on the eggs as you cracked four into a pan to scramble them.

Turning to grab the loaf of bread from your bread box, you stumbled back startled by Xiaojun's frame leaning against the counter.

"What the fuck." You exclaimed, before leaning onto the counter as you took in long breaths to calm your heart rate.

"Sorry," he mumbled. You didn't reply, just took a second longer to gather yourself before grabbing for the bread as you'd originally meant to do.

"I made enough for two, do you want some?" You asked.

Xiaojun cleared his throat, "I'm a prick to you constantly aren't I?" He asked.

You blinked at him, why was he asking this? If he realized then why ask you? Why does he need confirmation?

"Food or no?" You asked again, ignoring his question.

He nodded yes, crossing his arms over his chest he stayed silent the rest of the time, as you finished up the food. His presence made you nervous, but that was typical for you.

"Here." You said, handing him a plate with scrambled eggs and toast on it.

"Thank you."

He followed you to the living room, where you sat down to eat turning the TV on and picking a new show that had just come out.

"You're watching this?" Xiaojun asked, his tone shocked. You looked over at him, your shoulders falling, of course, he knew absolutely nothing about you.

"Clearly." You replied, shunning him into silence again.

When you were done eating you got up to take your plate to the kitchen, grabbing Xiaojun's empty one as you went.

"I could've taken that." He stated as he got up and followed you to the kitchen.

"Hey, could we talk?" He asked as you turned the water on to rinse off the plates so that you could put them into the dishwasher.

"You wanna talk now?" You asked, your anger rising again.

You didn't spare him a glance, you shoved the plates into the dishwasher and walked out the kitchen.

"Fuck - okay I get it. I deserve this. I deserve last night. I'm literally the worst person around for you right now! I get that, especially after seeing you dancing with him. The way that felt," He paused to take a deep breath, "that was the fucking worst."

You glared at him. He was standing at the entry of the kitchen waiting, his face pulled into tortured lines. About four feet away from you.

Good, he did deserve it.

"It's easy to take for granted what you've been given until you see that it could be taken away too. I didn't want to get to know you because you were always here. I didn't need to, I apparently had to.

When you would try it would just feel stupid, in my head why would we? Soulmates are fucking dumb, why would I want to instantly be in love with a stranger?

But that's the thing, there is no instant love. Just your person and you have to try in order for it to work."

"You realized this in a night?" You asked.

He shook his head, "Somewhere inside I always knew, but I also knew what I was doing, all the fucked up things. It was just easy to ignore because you put up with everything I did all the time."

You rolled your eyes, "So it's my fault?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying." He took in another large breath as if bracing himself for the next thing he was about to say.

"Last night was the first night I'd just danced with someone else. Typically I would just ignore you. I guess that was your last straw because when I turned around you were doing the same. But it made me realize that everything wouldn't just go my way. I could see that I was hurting you. Then I felt it. The anger, and the pain of wait she's mine."

You scoffed, having heard enough. Turning away decided to go to your room, you needed to shower and get ready for the day.

"Wait. Please wait. Just let me finish," he insisted. His feet hurrying towards you.

You paused again, you didn't know why. But then again all of the actions you had in relation to Xiaojun, you could never explain any of them.

"I'm sorry, Y/N. And if you allow me to get to know you. This time I promise I'll be there every time."

You looked up at his face, your eyes stinging.

"I needed to hear that months ago Xiaojun. Not now."

—

He didn't just leave you alone as you expected him to. Instead, he made an effort despite your lack of agreement.

On Sunday, he pranced into your apartment with flowers, a huge bouquet the size of your torso. You hated flowers, they died and were hard to take care of you.

"Oh, Well now I know!" He said happily even though your reaction was not one he was hoping for. Instead, he walked over to the garbage can and chucked the entire bouquet out.

When he went to the bathroom, you dug the flowers out and hid them in your hall closet. You'd move them to your room after he left.

On Monday, he showed up with lunch.

"See the one thing I do know is that you work from home!"

"Because you wanted to fuck and I was busy with work, and you argued that I was at home, and I had let you know that I work from home."

"Hey, I still know!"

On Tuesday, he sent you chocolates that were shaped like flowers with a note that said, 'flowers that you won't have to maintain.'

There was nothing you could complain about on Tuesday.

Wednesday you had the typical game night with your friends, the girls would come over to your apartment and you would all play board games. Or video games. Maybe watch a movie or Kdrama, it didn't matter. It was a day you looked forward to each week.

Xiaojun showed up Wednesday night. When you answered the door expecting to see your friends, you were met with him holding a lot of take-out.

Your smile gave way to your confusion, Xiaojun ignored your change of energy and instead pushed past you into your apartment, setting the bags down on the counter.

"I just came by to drop these off for tonight. Don't worry."

He smiled at you and for a second you were frozen, the room was engulfed in an awkward silence that wasn't affecting you at all because you were stuck on the fact that he had actually smiled at you. The smile that filled the room, the infectious smile that you'd always wanted to be yours.

You were snapped out of your state as your friend opened your front door and barrelled in.

"Hey hey hey!" She exclaimed making her way over to you.

"Hey!" You said, your friend froze when she saw Xiaojun as well. She's eyes narrowed at the boy.

"Why is he here?" She asked coming up next to you.

"I brought the food." Xiaojun stated, "And now I'm leaving."

He started towards the door, hesitating and turning back to you as if to say something, but ultimately decided against it and continued out the door.

You looked at your friend confused, but she simply shrugged and went for the bag closest to her on the counter.

And so it went on, the flowers eventually died. You accumulated some stuffed bears, more chocolates and many many, invites to picnics, cafes, and fancy restaurants. You had yet to accept one of those.

You were sitting under a pile of blankets to ward off the cold winter air when your phone began to ring. You ignored it expecting it to be Xiaojun, but when it rang again you answered.

"What?" You asked him.

"Well hello to you too," He chuckled, "Can I come over?"

You didn't know what to say, but you weren't against it. Xiaojun was trying and you knew from first-hand experience that if you didn't acknowledge that sooner or later he would lose his patients too. Just like you had.

You both were still soulmates, the mark on your collarbone ever-present as the day it first popped up. So on a whim of overthinking and some sympathy. And maybe even an ounce of the feelings you've always had for him.

You said, "fine." And hung up on him.

He came into your apartment, with his key that you still had not taken back, two minutes later.

"You were already here?" You asked. He nodded.

"What if I had said no?"

"Then I would have gone home."

He lifted the corner of your blanket, moving it so that he could also be under it.

"I wanted to talk to you about something." He said, after a few minutes of the both of you staring at the TV.

You sat up, pulling the blanket with you as you did so. You felt like you knew what was coming, but also with how different he was acting nowadays you felt like he could say anything.

"I want you to go on an actual date with me." He said it was a question it was more like an opinion that he was giving to you.

"Ahh-" he cut you off before you could give him a reply.

"Right now."

—-

Somehow, someway. It worked.

You were dragged out of your apartment, the sun was long gone, making the already cold night colder. You shifted your body closer to Xiaojun's unconsciously. He was making you walk up an incline to God knows where, you only prayed that it wasn't to push you off a cliff.

"Do you want my jacket?" Xiaojun asked making you snicker at him.

"Oh come on, that's just dumb. I don't need you telling me that I caused you to have phenomena or something after this."

"I wouldn't say that." He muttered under his breath.

"You would've." You retorted.

"Back then I wouldn't have brought you out on a date either."

You continued following him, both of you sticking to silence after that as you made your way to where ever he wanted to take you.

"So um, I was - okay honestly the closer we get to this the stupider I feel. But um I think that you once mentioned that you always wanted to camp, but you hated the idea of actually staying in a forest…" he trailed off as you both came upon an empty clearing in a park. You were shocked that he remembered that, you'd mentioned that to him in the very early days of you two meeting, about an hour before he decided that fuck buddies was the way to go.

Xiaojun walked over to a black backpack tucked up against a tree.

"You came up here earlier," you said shocked as you watched him zip open the bag.

Xiaojun nodded his head, not looking up at you.

"What if I hadn't come?" You asked.

Xiaojun sighed, "well I would have come up grabbed the bag and gone home. You know you're acting like I would've died or something if you said no."

You frowned at his words, you wanted him to say he'd be sad if you said no. Not be like oh well. But he was still Xiaojun, and he was never really one to be sad. His go too was anger.

He pulled out a couple of blankets and some rope.

"I don't have a tent. So…" He trailed off moving towards two trees that were close in proximity and tied the rope of one of the lowest branches. Doing the same to the other tree. The rope was lopsided, one side higher than the other, but you watched on as he dropped the blanket over the rope, moving the sides out so that it was tent-shaped.

On the ground, he laid out another blanket and then ushered you over.

You slowly made your way to him, he had pulled the backpack into the make-shift tent and was pulling out crackers marshmallows and chocolate.

"We'll make s'mores." He said, his head tilting up to you with a large smile across his face as he did so. And once again you were knocked out of yourself. Heat flooded to your face as you took in the fact that the smile was for you.

You slowly sat down next to him, hoping that this wasn't a dream that you'd wake up from to learn that the entire past few weeks weren't real.

"I have nothing to heat them up with but…"He held out a cold s'more to you.

"This is good." You said taking it, you squished the stack in your hand before moving it towards your mouth and taking a bite.

"You did this all for me?" You asked.

"I told you I'd try." He said, "I really did want to make it up to you."

"So what do you like accept the soulmate thing now?" You asked before taking another bite.

Xiaojun shook his head, "More like I'm realizing that soulmate or not you're someone that matters to me. And I've taken you for granted for long enough."

You nodded, "So we're dating?"

"We're dating." He confirmed.

"Why were so you fucking rude in the beginning?" You asked.

His eyes watched you as you shoved the last bite into your mouth.

"It felt like you weren't my own choice like I was forced to be stuck with you. It didn't sit well in my head, plus I've always hated the idea of soulmates. It just sounds fucking stupid. I said this before but how am I supposed to just see someone and have everything shift and all of a sudden I'm supposed to worship the ground this person walks on? That doesn't even make sense." You nodded, letting his words fade into the silence.

You stared out the side of the open tent, looking into the night sky. Xiaojun shifts closer to you, his shoulder and elbow brushing against yours as he pulled another thing out of the bag.

"I brought hot chocolate." He said. "Want some?"

You nodded your head, welcoming the warm drink.

"You know," He started, "that night I took you to the club, was because I had decided 'why not try?'. Then I got drunk, and my brain went fuck it. I don't know why but all of a sudden my mind was yelling at me that this was stupid. But when I saw you with that guy all I saw was red."

"Well think about how I felt seeing you with that girl. I actually for some twisted reason like you. So I was so fucking mad like come on it's one thing being a dick to me behind closed doors but it was another thing to just up and do that in public. I didn't understand why you even brought me." You replied turning your body towards his.

Xiaojun tilted his head to the left slightly, his eyes looking at you amused.

"That's the most you've said to me in a while." He stated.

You rolled your eyes at him, "yeah well…"

"All I can do now is show you that I'm sorry and that I'm here, and trying. That's only if you'll let me though."

"I'm here aren't I?" You retorted.

"Yes, you are."

You felt his eyes on the side of your face. You glanced at him out of the corner of your eye.

"Your staring." You said.

"So you like me?" He asked.

You didn't reply just scowled at him.

But the answer was yes.

Feelings didn't turn off that fast, and not everyone was dense like him, not everyone ran and got pissed at what they were given. Some people accepted it and learned to make the best of it.

"You're stupid."

"Sorry it took me so long to get it," he started.

His hand came out to grab yours, his slender fingers interlocking with yours.

"But I like you too" He finished.

Your head slowly turned towards his. His smile was beaming at you causing your breath to stutter for a second as your heart skipped a beat.

The smile that you always wanted to be directed at you, you finally got.

-neocain

#recommendations #wayv #nct #soulmate

[freakie-deakie]

going on hiatus

#Save Your World #Hiatus

[freakie-deakie]

Y/N when a man follows her into an alleyway

#Taeyong #Save Your World #Fanfic #Series #Mafia #AU #this Y/N is built different #girl idek what this story is anymore #i done lost my damn self #what plot #Youtube

[freakie-deakie]

kun in his true form

[freakie-deakie]

If We Let Go - cover art

#first fic #Hyunjin #Jeongin #x Reader #mini #series #angst #fluff #bet #complete

[freakie-deakie]

If We Let Go Masterlist

Main Masterlist

(Hyunjin x Reader x Jeongin // mini series, angst, complete)

Collective Word Count: 14.3k

Chapters:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Extra:

Cover Art

#first fic #Hyunjin #Jeongin #x Reader #series #angst #fluff #complete #Stray Kids #JYP entertainment #SKZ

[freakie-deakie]

I used to have a bad habit of accidentally lighting buildings on fire

i could never be an idol cuz fans freak over the smallest things. like i’d imagine i’d wake up one morning and someone found out I stole a book in year 3 from the book fair. call it the scholastic book fair scandal

#just to name a few #a barn #a house #multiple kitchens #a shed #a public shower

[freakie-deakie]

Lucas // How To: Kill an Idea

i have been really struggling with feeling numb lately and i super projected that onto this character. i really do apologize if it doesn’t make for the most interesting read. i may or may not end up rewriting this when i’m feeling better.

Warnings: emotional numbness and detachment

Masterlist

THIS IS PART 2!!! Read part one here: How To: Hurt My Feelings

Lucas x Reader (angst // 7.3k words); ft. stepbrother!Johnny

The way the lights reflected off the water brought only distant memories of the Han flowing through the city of Seoul and mirroring the life around it. The bustle of the city, the calm of the river banks. The things that you neighbored so long ago.

You could become so lost in the remnants of the past - that you would forget to lose yourself in the readiness of the moment.

You owed the Garonne. After tirelessly looking over you for months on end, you owed her your presence at the very least. How dare you look at her in all of her beauty and only think of another.

She smiled at you nonetheless. The Garonne sat with you one last night and told you how much she would miss you - how much all of Bordeaux would miss you. She told you that the stone buildings, the ones in the alleyway that you cut through every night as you return to your dorm, didn't know what they were going to do without you. She told you that the little birds that had nested outside of your window had practiced a sadder song to sing after you left. She swore that the lights in the city shone brighter than they ever had before when you landed and that they would fade upon your departure.

She made you promise that you would come back to see all of them: the buildings, the birds, and the lights. On your own accord, you promised you would come back to see her.

The Garonne waved you off that night, sending you to bed and wishing you a restful slumber and a safe flight in the morning.

Tired and stiff, you limp out of the terminal with your laptop clutched to your chest and a yawn escaping your lips. You mindlessly followed the crowd of other travelers to baggage claim and patiently waited for your suitcase to be sorted onto the conveyor belt.

"Pardon me, Mademoiselle," a familiar voice reached your ears, "I believe a poor boy has been waiting far too long to see you here."

You spun on your heel, a bright smile suddenly overtaking your features. "Lucas," you call quietly as you envelop him in a tight hug. You had barely moved for sixteen hours straight, but once in his arms, every desire for motion ceased. It seemed that he agreed, as he latched onto you and refused to let go.

"I missed you," he admitted before placing a kiss on the top of your head and moving to grab your bag off the belt.

"I missed you more," you answered softly.

He took your hand and kissed it before leading you through the airport and down to the parking garage where your brother was waiting, leaned up against his car, and dusting the cigarette ashes off of his sleeve.

"Hey there, Miss France," he says as he moves to envelop you in a hug of his own. "How was your flight?"

"It was fine," you answer simply. "Long, but fine."

"Well, you have an hour-long car trip to give us the highlights of France, if you're not too tired. We could stop by a late-night diner too if you're hungry."

You nodded along as you climbed into the car, enjoying the banter after your long trip. But as you rode in the passenger seat home (funny, you thought, that you still called it home), you took in things about the city that you never really appreciated.

The locals that ignored the do-not-cross signs, the billboards that were so shrouded in smog that you could barely read them, the stray cats that freely wandered the city like it was their own personal playground. All the things that you used to neighbor.

And when you got to the bridge that you'd longed to see since you left, the Han welcomed you home with as much love for you as it had six months ago. You made it a point to tell him about the Garonne sometime. You think he would enjoy hearing about her.

"The pastries," you say simply. "It was France; of course the pastries were the best."

Johnny dropped you back at your apartment and your boyfriend opted to stay the night, helping you settle back into the space that you could once again call your own.

Another tenant had contracted your apartment for the time you were away - there were a few more cuts and bruises than you remember leaving, but it was nothing you couldn't patch up. The bed wasn't where you had it, the shower knobs had been replaced, and an empty curtain rod rest stretched along your window seal.

"The stuff you left with us, it's still back at the frat," he chuckles awkwardly.

"That's okay." You offer him a small smile and plop down on one of the only four pieces of stand-alone furniture left in the space, the old black sofa in the same spot it's always been. "At least they didn't take my couch."

"Y/N, darling, I don't know if I would lay on that if I were you."

His words took a moment to register, but when they did your eyes shot open and you were out of your seat comically fast. "Oh God, ew..."

He laughed again and pressed a small kiss to your temple. "Let's take a shower and then we'll figure things out, okay? And you know, you don't have to sleep here tonight. There are no sheets on the bed or anything, so you can-"

You cut him off with a quick kiss and lead him to the bathroom, ready for a warm shower to take away all of your travel pains.

"Not really," you answered honestly, rolling your head to the side to look at your boyfriend. You'd been looking at his ceiling for a while, head resting on his thigh while he played with your hair. It felt nice, you thought, to get a chance to live in your memories - specifically the memories you had left with him here in his room, the ones that always waited for you while you were away. "All of my days in France were spent doing something or another. By myself, with the people that I met. So no, it never really got mundane. I didn't think that kind of life existed for anyone over the age of nine." You let out a small but heavy breath. "I guess I had to experience it for myself to understand."

Lucas doesn't say anything for a moment. Instead, he focuses on gently detangling a knot that his fingers had caught on. Your hair was longer now than it was.

"I'm happy for you," he reassures you. He doesn't quite know what he's reassuring, but he reassures you nonetheless.

"Lucas?" you ask softly.

"Hmm?" he responds, his gruff voice sounding tired.

"What would you have done if I didn't come back?" His finger stop working in your mess of locks and all of his attention is focused on dissecting what you just asked him.

"I don't know what answer you want me to give you," he says smally, glancing down at you before retraining his gaze on the ceiling, its texture nearly lost in the dark.

"There isn't a certain answer I want. I'm just curious."

"I don't understand the question," he almost interrupts, suddenly a bit tenser than he was only moments ago.

"I don't mean anything by it, Lucas. It's not a loaded question." Your soft voice is enough to lul his hand back to its comforting motions. "Would you have gone after me or would you have let me go?"

"I would have gone after you without a second thought. Definitely, I would have."

"I thought about staying you know."

There's a pause, a small silence of thought on both ends.

"Why didn't you," he asks with genuine curiosity.

"It wasn't home. You weren't there."

A wolf whistle follows you into the kitchen the next morning and you feel the need to suppress your groan.

"If I knew you were staying the night, I would have held a cup against the door."

"Oh, gross, Jaehyun," you sneer, turning to jab your elbow into the older boy's side.

"What? Not everyone gets to tour France." You can't help but dramatically roll your eyes and threaten him with a punch.

"Do you want a cup of coffee? I was about to put on a pot."

"Sure," he smiles gratefully. "And you can tell me about Bordeaux while we wait."

"Oh, it was beautiful," you think back as you prepare the grounds. "As the sun was setting, the sky would turn golden. If there were any clouds that evening, they would turn all different shades of pink. The lights over the water - words wouldn't do it justice."

Jaehyun chuckles before yawning out, "Well, that's a first."

"Jung Jaehyun, if you are trying to say that I talk too much-"

"That's not what I'm saying," he defends. "I mean you always have a way with words. It's your thing, ya' know. Words."

You hum, turning back to your task. "I guess I hadn't thought about it that way - at least not for a while."

The door to the kitchen swings open and another boy ungracefully stumbles into the kitchen. Haechan is clad in a plain T-shirt and dark shorts (if you could call them that). His hair is no longer silver; it's now a dusty brown, curling up into the picture of a sandstorm blowing about his head. He looked healthier, or maybe just more mature since you last saw him. He'd filled out a bit, and grown into those long limbs of his.

"Man, what's will all the commotion in here? It's Saturday and- Y/N?" The boy immediately perks up upon seeing you. "Oh my gosh, Y/N! You're back!" He hugs you and sits down at the island beside his older friend, suddenly as energetic as a child on Christmas morning. "Great, because I made a list of pranks we're gonna pull together. Jaehyun, since you're here, I guess you can help us too. Okay, first of all, we're gonna shove a bag of chocolate powder mix down the shower drain. I'd like to make sure that one gets Mark because he blamed me for breaking Johnny's lamp."

There were things you would have to readjust to in Korea. Things that you didn't think would catch you off guard, yet still managed to turn you around every now and again. The wet bath was one of them; you were going to miss your tub. You also suddenly found bowing a bit more strange than you originally had, as well as keeping personal space when you greeted someone altogether. Most prominently, the language barrier that you weren't so sure you'd ever really overcome in your first life in Korea.

Words were suddenly weird to you again. Ideas that could manifest themselves in one language but not another. At times, there were no proper parallels, nor were there ways in which to express everything going on inside your head.

Though you tried your hardest, what little French you learned simply wouldn't translate properly to English, or the English wouldn't translate to Korean, or the Korean to French, or the French to Korean, or the Korean to the English. The words just never came out the way you wanted them to, and in a way, it was like a piece of you fell away from the rest, lost somewhere between all of your different lives.

Lucas noticed how much quieter you seemed since you'd returned.

You made it a point to generally avoid contact with everyone while you were away. You occasionally checked in with them to let them know that you were alive, but other than that had kept your space. You became more dedicated to learning about yourself and how to care for your well-being. You began making decisions of your own, from what you would eat every night and how early you would wake up every morning to what debacles were worth your time and energy. You decided that most of them weren't. You decided that pondering your life was taking years off of it, and that you didn't like to eat snails. You decided that you weren't so bad after all, and for that matter, no one else was either. You decided to live.

"Hey, can I see something on your Instagram real quick?" you asked softly, setting your bowl of fancy ramen on the coffee table in front of you. "I think one of my friends just had a baby and I wanted to see if she's posted any pictures yet."

Without giving it much thought, Lucas hands you his phone and turns back to his meal. "What happened to your Instagram?" he questioned.

"Deleted it," you quip, pulling up your friend's account. He hears you coo before you shove the device back into his hands, urging him to look at the baby. He thought the child, redfaced and wet, looked like an alien, though he'd never tell you that.

"Why'd you delete it?" he pursues.

You simply shrug and cover more of your legs with the blanket that rested on the both of you. "Didn't need it." He gives you an unsatisfied groan, but you can't think of a better answer. It was simple - while you took plenty of photos to document your life, you no longer found it necessary to post them.

"Okay," he tries, "what about your Kakao Story?"

"Deleted."

"So you no longer use Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Skype, Instagram, or Kakao Story? What if someone needs to contact you?"

"I still have Kakao and Discord."

"Okay, what about my posts? Or your other friends'?"

"If they have something to tell me, they will," you sip your hot tea and lean into his side.

"It’s like she doesn't want to talk to me. She doesn't want to talk to anyone," groans Lucas as he sprawls out on Mark's bed. "She doesn't talk nearly as much as she used to."

Mark's hand didn't stop relaying notes to his journal as he talked with Lucas, translating as many of his lyrical ideas onto paper as he could keep up with.

"She's not the same person she used to be, Lucas."

Lucas had trouble making sense of it, why Mark sounded so sure about that. It almost hurt his pride that one of his roommates was telling him something about you, his girlfriend.

"Who is?" Lucas rubs his eyes. "We've all grown up since then."

Mark's hand halts. "Since then?"

"Since-" he sighs. "Ya' know, since... Since we..."

"Don't hurt yourself," Mark chuckles. "Maybe," he offers, "this chapter of your life is written in a different style. Did you even notice? That your life hasn't been going the same since she got back?"

"Of course it's not the same," the elder defends. "It's infinitely better."

"Spare me. Look, I'm just saying, the less she talks, the more dialog you're putting in your own book. And I think it's better this way. I mean, I can't tell you how to write your life, but I can honestly say I think you're doing better now than you were before. You started using your words instead of acting on impulse. That's not easy, man. Words are hard."

Words: your staple, your foundation, your life. They were your nothing anymore.

And Lucas didn't know how to understand.

He tried not to take it personally, but soon you fell into almost complete silence both with him and his friends. When you joined them for a Smash Bros competition, you didn't exclaim your victories nor mourn your defeats. When you dressed, you didn't ask for his opinions on the color of your lipstick nor the type of heel you should wear. When you laid in bed with him and watched his fan turn above your heads, you refused to humor his desire to hear your voice. And he took the fault upon himself.

He felt guilty asking anything of you anymore because you never opened your mouth to ask for favors in return.

"Y/N, will you come cuddle with me?" he calls with as much endearment as he can shove into his tone.

This was for your own good, he reminded himself.

You hadn't watched the news in months, and he knew that. You, ever the stickler for meaningful conversation, had devoted large portions of your time to staying up to date before. As of late, however, you preferred "to watch the world crash and burn around you from a first-person point-of-view rather than a third-person point-of-view."

He hoped that sitting you down to watch the news for a while would spark a fire in your opinionated soul. So imagine his reaction when you crawled into his arms and fell asleep, paying absolutely no mind to the colors or words on the screen.

His next plan was to plant your favorite novel in the hands of your favorite philosopher.

This was for your own good, he reminded himself.

He shoved the book into Doyoung's hands with a stern "fix her." Needless to say, Doyoung had the book read within a couple of days and Lucas invited you over as soon as his friend flipped through the pages for the final time.

"A piece of modern art," he suggests. "A sorrow lost to the sands of time and a meaning forgotten by society."

Lucas watches in amazement as you sit and nod along to everything that Doyoung says. You didn't interject your ideas even once. You just listened.

He was running out of ideas. So his last plot was his last hope that there may be a bit of yourself left inside of you. He would take you on a date - the best date you've ever been on - and thrust so much happiness and gratefulness onto you that you wouldn't be able to contain it so silently. He knew it was a dirty trick, but how else was he to make sure that you were okay if you would no longer tell him anything about yourself.

This was for your own good, he reminded himself.

Really, he should have asked you out first, before he came barging into your apartment (tidier than he'd ever seen it before and reeking of cleaner) with a bundle of flowers and demanding your attention for the evening.

Surprise.

He was about to push open the door to your bedroom when he heard a soft sniffle from inside. His eyes widened and his shoulders fell. His heart broke when he heard a small sob fall from your lips.

He peeked inside. It was dark, mind the laptop that sat on your desk and illuminating your shaking form. You laid your head on one arm and used your other hand to rake through your stringy hair. Your glasses had been tossed to the shadowy void and your cheeks were wet and sticky.

The header of your philosophy paper stared you down as you unraveled before it. The rest of the blank page was absolutely daunting. Your acceptance of the world around you had drained away your ability to have a coherent cognitive thought about it, forget about writing one.

To some extent, you missed the days when you were confident in your ability to build empires out of words. Now, you couldn't even build a ten-page paper, especially not by 11:59 pm that night.

To a greater extreme, you couldn't understand why you would want to return to your opinionated ways or your charismatic skills that abused fact until it bent to your will. What purpose did fact or, more importantly, idea have anymore, other than to aid your ability to charm others to abide by your purpose?

It felt wrong to write a definitive philosophical thesis, especially when you couldn't bring yourself to definitively believe in anything particular.

"Y/N," you jumped at the sound of your own name and quickly wiped your cheeks with the back of your sleeves, sitting up straighter and making yourself more presentable before you turned around to face him. Lucas saw it all. He watched you put your mask back on right before his eyes, and he realized that you were hurting in ways that he couldn't see until now.

"Lucas," you cursed your shaky voice. "What's up? Why are you here?"

He takes a few quiet steps until he's standing before you and kneels to look into your eyes. There are things that he wants to say, 'you're scaring me' being the most prominent, but he knows he should choose his words more carefully.

"I want to know what's going on. I want to help." He slips his hands into your own and rests them on your knees.

"I just don't think you can," you answer simply.

"Can you tell me what's the matter?"

You shake your head and the tears come rushing back to your eyes. "I don't know what's the matter." It's honest. You don't know why your head can't wrap around your assignments, or your conversations, or your own thoughts as of late.

All that time spent with yourself taught you how to understand yourself and your own needs. You feel that you have exchanged your understanding of the world around you for a simpler version of life. Did that make you selfish? You didn't know.

All Lucas could do was watch you as you fell back into your frustrations. It didn't take long before your brows were knitted back together, your nose was running, and your eyes had glazed over as you retreated back inside of yourself.

"Y/N," he softly called. Your eyes only met his for a second before they were cast somewhere else and your attention ran away from you once again.

"I think," you started, unsure of every word that slipped past your lips. "I think you should go."

You didn't know how to explain to him that you were afraid of what he might think of you at that moment, or that you didn't want to hurt his feelings any more than you guessed you already had.

"I don't want to go. I'm tired of leaving you alone." He stood, gently pulling you to stand with him, and led you to the edge of your bed with a delicate touch. "You don't have to sleep. You don't have to talk. Just lay here with me for a little while and let me be close to you."

"You know," Lucas started as he tossed the noodles in the pan. He'd tucked you into the couch earlier that evening and told you to forget the paper you'd been stressing over. You happily complied. "I don't know how to say this any better." You listened keenly as you pulled a throw pillow into your lap and wrapped yourself around it. "I know that this is probably the last thing you want to talk about, but I did something very wrong to you. I'm still sorry, and I hope you know that. But..." He cast you a quick glance over his shoulder before reaching for the seasoning in your pantry. "I don't think I ever gave you the chance to yell at me. Or like, to be mad at me - ya' know?"

You thought for a moment, front teeth chewing on your thumbnail before you shook your head softly and answered, "I don't want to yell at you. I don't want to be mad at you."

You heard a repressed sound of discouragement before looking to see him dishing your dinner plates. "I wish you would. I wish you would yell at me and tell me what I did was wrong. I wish you would be angry with me for a little while. I wish you would just tell me something about how you feel about it."

He handed you your plate and watched as you ran back inside of your own head. He watched your eyes glaze over as you replayed his words, and yet you made sense of almost none of them. You didn't understand what he was asking of you.

You toyed with your food as you tried to process his request. You didn't even notice when he took his seat beside you, nor did you notice the burning gaze he watched you with.

"Y/N," he called, shaking you out of your trance. "I want you to yell at me." You looked at him like a deer caught in headlights - big black eyes staring down a deadly light. "How did you feel when it happened? Shout something horrific at me about what was going through your head at the time."

You took a small bite and swallowed, training your eyes on the coffee table before you. "I don't remember."

You looked so small, so helpless, and so distant. You were there, right next to him, and yet you were so far away. He was having trouble finding you.

"Yell. Break something. For fuck's sake, please."

The more pressure he applied, the further you seemed to slip away. Before he knew it, you were gone.

"That's not her anymore." He found himself on Mark's bed once again, tucked into the younger boy's covers and pouring out his heart. "She's not all there. She just looks so empty now."

"Dude, I don't know why you come to me for this sort of thing. It's not like I'm just great with girls," the younger quips from his desk chair. "And Johnny would know more about her than I would-"

"No. He absolutely cannot know that I broke his sister."

Mark hummed in thought for a moment before he laid his pen down in his textbook and turned his full body to his friend. "Lucas, be honest with me about something." Lucas nodded. "Did you see anyone else while she was in France?"

Lucas shook his head as he took in his friend's words carefully. He had no right to be mad at the accusation, so he kept his temper in check until a particularly vile thought trotted across his mind. He sat up immediately. "Oh God, do you think that she did? Do you think she considered it a break and she slept with someone else?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying- hey- Lucas, stop." Lucas was already to his feet and out the door before he could finish. "So not my fault," he grumbled to himself.

Finally, it all made sense to him. You couldn't be mad at him if you were also guilty. You couldn't yell at him for committing a sin you'd also committed. He was going to redress the scale. He was going to make you the word again. He was going to be the action.

The solid thuds against your wooden door made you jump up from your floor. Adrenaline spread through your fingertips and you took a step back towards your bedroom.

"We need to talk."

Lucas sounded angry. You pushed and pulled with your memory, but found no trace of experiencing this feeling before: fear of him. You moved against your gut to let him in. You barely opened the door before he pushed his way inside, rattling off accusation after accusation.

"Did you think we were on a break? Because we weren't on a break."

You just listened.

"Did you just forget about me while you were there? Did you just ignore the fact that I was waiting for you? I was stuck here, waiting for you every day while you were in France."

You didn't speak.

"So you just got to do whatever you wanted while I had to sulk here? You just couldn't control yourself, huh? Do you know how hard it was to keep control of myself while you were gone?"

'It was hard?' you thought.

"How about we take another break then? How about this time, I get to sleep with whoever I want? Well? Aren't you even going to open your mouth to defend yourself?"

You didn't.

"Am I wrong?" He prompted. "I didn't think so. Now we're on a break. Now you can fuck around with whoever you want."

Shocked couldn't begin to describe the state he left you in. You stood there, clambering for answers as to what could have sent him on a warpath to your apartment in the first place. His seemingly unprompted fit of jealous rage couldn't really have been sparked without a cause, you figured.

Maybe he'd seen pictures of you with your male friends in France. Maybe a rumor had been spread about you. Maybe he was just tired of you and feeding himself a rotten narrative as an excuse to break up with you.

You didn't want to know. You opted to rather accept his decision, and all of your own emotions that came flooding back with it.

"Hey man, have you talked to Y/N lately? She took one of my classes last year, and I wanted to see if I could get her notes before semester tests." Haechan asks his elder who lay sprawled on the couch.

"Nope," he said, popping the 'p.'

"What?" Haechan asked, looking up from his phone. "What do you mean you haven't talked to her?"

Lucas lazily yawned and reached for his soda can beside him. "It's not like she's my girlfriend or something. I'm not her keeper."

"Shit, Lucas, you didn't," Mark groaned, rubbing his temple.

"No, you were right. She was sleeping with other guys while she was in France. She didn't even try to deny it."

"Hang on, I never said that. You conjured that one up all on your own, buddy."

Haechan frowned as his frat members debated. He was focused on a much bigger issue at large.

"When did you break up with her?" he asks cautiously.

"Hey, we're just on a break. Don't go getting any ideas-"

"Jesus fuck, can your ego get any bigger?" Lucas crossed his arms and refocused his attention on the television, jaw clenched tightly. "You're so annoying," Haechan mumbled under his breath, already moving towards the door and shooting your brother a message telling him to meet in front of your apartment.

"Damn, you got called annoying by Haechan. How does that feel?"

"Can it, Lee."

You could feel it all, the swarm of emotions swirling and twirling around inside your chest, and yet you couldn't begin to name any of them. All you knew was that it hurt and you wanted it to stop.

You laid in your bed and watched your ceiling fondly. You liked how it didn't move. You didn't struggle to keep up with it. And it was dependable; it would always be there.

You didn't move when the knock at your front door finally registered in your ears; you were tired of playing doorman in your own residence.

You were just tired actually.

"Y/N," Johnny called, lightly pushing open the door to your bedroom. A strong sense of deja vu winded you. You knew this scene, you'd lived it before. "It's me and Haechan. I'm sorry we didn't call first." You didn't know how they managed to get inside, nor did you care. You just wanted to sleep.

Johnny took a seat next to you on the side of your bed. He brushed a strand of hair out of your eyes in an attempt to capture your attention. That's when the smell hit you. The heavy stench of cigarettes washed over all of your senses causing you to retract from his touch. He looked shaken at first, scared that he might have hurt you.

"You didn’t smoke before," you recalled. It was almost a feat in and of itself to remember the bitter past, but the small victory was stifled by the thick, wet air of the bitter present.

His eyes softened before he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a pack he'd bought just a few days before. "I started a few months ago while you were away. I knew you wouldn't be happy about it."

"I don't care," you answered promptly before slowly pulling yourself to sit up against your headboard.

Haechan watched from the doorway. He wondered if he'd ever seen someone in this state before, or if he ever would again. He looked at you and almost failed to see the human being in front of him. He watched you move like a frightened animal, stiff and weary. He watched your untrained gaze flicker between your brother and your brother's outstretched hand. 

This couldn't have just been the work of Lucas, he concluded. There were more deeply rooted implications here. There was an unresolved issue before your idiot boyfriend played to his own role.

"Can you tell me what's wrong?"

"I don't know," you answered honestly.

Johnny looked to Haechan for support, but the younger could offer only his presence in this situation.

"That's okay," your brother soothed. "Haechan," he turned to your mutual friend, "can you call Ten and Yuta and see if they've, uh, noticed anything weird lately about..." He gestured to you. Haechan excused himself to place the calls. "Food? Food always helps, right?" he tried with a dry chuckle. You paid absolutely no mind to him.

"I can't take this," Ten muttered to himself, excusing himself from your bedroom. Five boys had soon found themselves huddled in your doorway, watching your every move intently as you resisted every attempt your brother made to move you.

You felt like a lab rat, being looked at from all angles as Johnny poked and prodded to see what would make you tick. It felt humiliating.

"Let's just go for a drive," he tried again, gently pulling your arms away from your chest and trying to guide you out of bed.

"No," you answered again, pulling yourself away from him and settling further back into your bed.

"Maybe we should just let her be for tonight," Jaehyun suggested, moving to stand beside your brother whose head was fallen in defeat.

"I can't just leave her like this, Jae. I still don't understand what's going on."

"Just give her some space," Jaehyun tried again. "This clearly isn't very effective."

Johnny sighed but ended up in compliance as everyone except for Jungwoo moved to your living room. They quietly deliberated as Jungwoo read allowed one of your favorite novels from the end of your bed, hoping against all hope that it would in some way bring you back from the void in which your mind seemed to currently reside.

"Honestly, we had planned to just come and cheer her up," Haechan had said. "We didn't know we'd find her like this. But I can't say it really surprised me, she's been off for months now."

"I thought something seemed weird. She hasn't said much to me in a while."

"Me either."

"Yeah, same."

Everyone generally agreed with Ten's statement.

"Do you guys think something happened in France?" Jaehyun suggests.

"Or maybe things haven't been going so well between her and Lucas for a while?" Yuta offers.

"Everything just feels like it's spinning," you said, cutting off Jungwoo's reading of Mary Shelley's finest work. He was just happy to have heard you say anything at all. "Everything is going so fast around me. I just wanna take a nap, sleep for a while." As you relayed your simple disposition, you found yourself moving to lay on your side, plenty warm but unwilling to relinquish your comforter. "I don't feel like I belong here, so I'm going to sleep instead."

Jungwoo set the book to the side and laid himself down at the end of your bed. "I don't feel like I belong here sometimes either," he relates.

"But you do," you say, looking over his features and seeing every sharp and jagged curve for the first time.

"You do too," he promises.

Hours of hushed worries bled into the night, and you awoke alone in your apartment in the morning. You had no initial intention of getting out of bed. It was the hardcover copy of Frankenstein standing upright on your bedside table that stirred your aching joints into motion.

Then you remembered.

How could you ever even forget?

The Han River smiled when you arrived, taking a seat on his bank. He asked you why you'd been such an unfamiliar face as of late, to which you had no reply. He thanked you for coming to visit him nonetheless and told you about how much Seoul had missed you while you were away. He told you about the alley cats and how they missed the treats you would occasionally leave for them on your way to classes. He told you about how much the sky cried about you spending spring away. He told you that the city lights drowned out the stars while you were gone, but let them peak back into the city when you returned.

You had no beating heart to pour out into his water, so instead, you gave him your soul. The Han understood and sat with you until you bore no more faults on which to complain. He told you he missed you. You told him that you missed him too. You told him about the Garonne and how much you thought he would like her. Then he sent you off into the afternoon bustle of the city with a watchful eye.

You wondered the streets for a while. Not a penny in your pocket, and still you found so many little joys in all the cracks and crevices of Seoul. You pet the stray cats; they'd always been particularly fond of you. You walked around an antique shop making wild guesses about the past lives of every item in sight. You climbed a tree in the park without a damn to spare the onlookers. By sunset, your feet had taken you back to your campus and directly to the front door of your apartment.

"How about some tea?" you ask yourself as you push the door open, not half expecting to be ambushed by a group of concerned young men demanding to know where you were.

"Would you all like some tea too?"

It was still a struggle to hear your voice most of the time, but visible relief settled over those who'd seen you cowering from your brother in your bedroom only days prior. They all continued to check in on you frequently, as they still had difficulties coaxing you away from your apartment.

"Lucas," Johnny had finally caught him lurking in the kitchen around midnight. He was beginning to grow irritable with how troublesome he had become to locate.

Lucas froze, cup ramen clasped in one hand with chopsticks in the other. Busted like a child with their hand in the cookie jar.

"Look, I'm sorry about your sister," he started without really knowing where he was going. "I know that I kinda jumped the gun-"

"I don't want to fight with you again," the elder said. He had kept his calm since the situation had arisen. The last time you and your boyfriend had a falling out, all hell broke loose in their dorms. He had landed a good solid punch on the more-than-deserving idiot and held the belief that he probably deserved a few more. However, he'd rather not have everyone in a frenzy once more, turning against one another. "I just need you to tell me what was going on before you left."

Lucas's shoulders slump and he sets his late-night meal on the countertop. "I was just so frustrated. She always let me into her head before - but when she came back, she just stopped talking to me. She shut me out," he relayed. "I tried everything I could think of. I tried to make her really happy, I tried to make her really mad. She wouldn't talk to me."

"She won't talk to me either," Johnny said, resting a reassuring hand on Lucas's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he responds, taking some measure of the blame upon himself. He felt that maybe if he'd had more patience with you, he could have helped you to get better. Now you were detaching yourself from not only him but your other friends and family as well. "Do you think she would want to see me?"

Your brother shrugged but a small smirk played on his lips. "I dunno. Maybe you should go find out tomorrow."

Needless to say, Lucas felt displaced and burdened by heavy guilt as he stood in your doorway, looking down on your fragile body. The last time he came knocking on your door in the most awful hours of the morning, he begged and cried on his knees for you not to leave him. He felt himself resist the urge to fall to the ground and repeat his mantra of pleas.

You didn't ask him why he was there so early in the morning, nor did you ask him if he wanted to come in. Your stare made his skin feel cold. He cleared his throat to dispel some of the awkward tension that he felt clawing at his airways.

"Can I come in?" Without a word, you moved to the side. "Thank you. Were you asleep?"

"No," you say simply, trailing behind him as he steps into your kitchen.

He lets out a low chuckle as he glances around the room. It looked so surprisingly unhomely and clean. Not a single dish in the sink, nor a potted plant out of place. "I keep messing up pretty badly, don't I?"

He hated the empty way you looked at him. It was as if you didn't know him. It was as if you had just let a complete stranger into your apartment.

"I don't understand, and I'm really trying to. I know that you know that things have changed since you got back. I don't know what that means yet, but I do know that I still love you. And that I'm stupid. I know that too."

You hummed along, a thoughtful expression overtaking your blank features.

"And I know that I’m sorry. I let a stupid idea get into my head and I let it hurt my own feelings. I shouldn’t have taken that out on you. Please don't leave me."

You didn't offer an answer, instead opening your arms and inviting him back into your embrace. He placed a small kiss on your lips, something he felt like he hadn't done in ages, and wrapped himself around you in an effort to keep you by his side forever.

"Are you happy here in Seoul?" your boyfriend asked, picking at the grass in front of his crossed legs. He looked at you as you looked down at the water. "I mean, I know you don't want to go back to (country), and I have a feeling that you don't exactly want to go live with my family in China. But like, would you rather be in Bordeaux? Or would you rather stay here?"

"I don't know." He hummed and waited for you to elaborate, but you made no real effort to.

"I know that we're still young and we don't have to make any decisions about where we want to live yet," he cooed, looking up to watch the sun set behind the large city towers, "but would you stay here in Seoul with me for a little while?"

You nodded, reaching over to take his hand in your own before pulling him to lay in the grass with you.

"You know, you're not the same person that you were before you left. I've realized that," he said with a sad smile as he looked over at you and placed a small kiss on your chin, pulling a small giggle from your lips. "It's a pleasure to meet you. I can't wait to get to know you again."

#lucas #wong yukhei #nct #johnny seo #lee taeyong #donghyuck #haechan #ten #nakamoto yuta #angst #fluff #smut #reaction #scenerio #oneshot #series #part 2 #imagine #x reader #kpop #dream #kim #mark #jeffery

[freakie-deakie]

thank you so much for your reblog on midnight doesnt last forever 😭 i really enjoyed writing that story but it didnt get a lot of traction so i wasnt sure if it was any good. it means a lot to hear you enjoyed it <3

I genuinely think your tags on that story may not have been working. I literally stayed up until like 3 am to finish it; it was both incredibly entertaining and well written. I really hate to see Tumblr brush severely underrated works under the rug :(

But yes I really did enjoy reading it 💓💓 so so so good

#fix the tags #appreciation post #read midnight doesn't last forever

[freakie-deakie]

mmmm emotional scarring, my favorite flavor of angst

midnight doesn’t last forever

〉ten x fem!reader

〉featuring ‘Demiurge’ - a made up girlgroup that y/n is in as well as lami, helen, jimin and ningning

〉idol au, yandere!ten

〉word count 16.5k

〉warnings violence, murder, gore, kidnapping, swearing, drinking, yandere behavior, guns, abusive and toxic behavior 

〉this is part of a stephen king collab held by the lovely @starryqian​ and @takitaro​, check out the full post and everyone else’s stories here. this story is based off of the stephen king novel/movie misery! the story line is loosely based off of it so no need to have read the book or watched the movie first

〉a/n this was written before ‘aespa’ was announced, some characters in this story are from that group although i had just researched sm rookies and pulled names from there. i had no idea they would be debuting so soon. they have nothing to do with aespa nor did i associate the group with this story while writing

〉his love for her started as a sweet admiration but quickly grew sour. she looked up to him as her senior and was blinded by his persona to see what was underneath. friendship turns into unrequited love which soon turns poisonous. he can’t take the pressure of being ignored and snaps. can she handle the fallout of his insanity? or has he already tainted her with his deadly love?

Keep reading

#fr tho #i thoroughly enjoyed it #i love a good horror angst plot #dont even get me started on toxic relationships <3 #kinda gave me killing stalking vibes #10/10 would read again

[freakie-deakie]

Works In Progress Folder

Rules: Post the names of all the files in your wip folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Then, people can send asks with the title that most intrigues/interests them and you’ll post a little snippet of it or tell them something about it!

Note: These are just some of the oneshot fics that I've been working on. I'm also working on the next chapter of my Save Your World series :)

→ The Dance of the Sea | Ten

→ Fairy Tattoo | Yuta

→ Snake Charmer | Haechan

→ If I Hurt, Let Me Go | Doyoung

→ The Art of the Ending | Johnny? Jaehyun?

→ Artists and Eaters | Jaehyun

Published Works: Masterlist <3

#wip folder #slow progress #kpop #masterlist #series #reaction #oneshot #angst #fluff #smut #au #ask #fic #nct #straykids #bts #dream #day6 #ateez #twice #blackpink #svt #exo #the boyz

[freakie-deakie]

something about a man putting his hand on another man's leg makes me feel second hand comfort: a discussion board

#like its just such a friendly act #it makes me platonically horny #and like i feel like they're supporting each other #and would also support both my emotional baggage and my bank account #sexy and hot but without the sex and heat #it gives me hope for mankind

[freakie-deakie]

going away for a little while, need to sit with my thoughts for a bit - see you sometime else :)

#hiatus

[freakie-deakie]

I promise you that How To: Hurt My Feelings pt 2 is on its way hehe 👉👈

Also I hope you have a very Merry Christmas!! 🎄✨

Source: This

[freakie-deakie]

Yes Ma'am Masterlist

this is a general collection of works that i genuinely really enjoyed. it's been a while since i've read some of these, but i hope that you enjoy checking them out! these are in no particular order :)

aka: me simping for fanfic writers that make me uwu / owo

shameless self-promo: my masterlist

>freakie-deakie approved and appreciated works<

•

Stray Kids

Han Jisung:

💘 Boys Like Girls, Like Boys

Young God

•

Neo Culture Technology

Lee Taeyong:

💘 Muse

singleparent!Taeyong

Sic Semper Tyrannis

Nakamoto Yuta:

Fuchsia-Colored Sunglasses

Kim Doyoung:

💘 Trust Fund Baby

The Start of Nothing

Broken

Ten:

Midnight Doesn't Last Forever

Jung Jaehyun:

Broken Mirrors

Binding Bonds

Mark Lee:

💘 Freak Show

hogwarts!au gryffindor!Mark

NCT multiple:

Dares, and Things of the Sort

Quarantine Chronicles 

Mine Too

Movie Night

#masterlist #recommendations #fanfiction #kpop #nct #stray kids #ateez #bts #angst #fluff #smut #series #reactions #oneshot #imagine #au #mafia #hogwarts #support #writers #emotional #simpy