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gaiaphage · 4 years

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I’ve been in a weird mood lately. Although I guess it kinda fluctuates. Monday-Thursday I’m energized, feeling good about myself, but when it come to the weekend, it all goes down hill.

Maybe it’s because I’m not keeping busy those day? I have work I should be doing but I’d rather just lay around all day.

Then I beat myself up about it.

Resulting in the continuation of my uphill battle with my compulsive disorder (self diagnosed but no doubt I have it), which I’ve had for what, going on at least 3 years now.

Thought it did make an appearance when I was little, whch that whole situation makes sense now.

Speaking of, compulsive behaviours are often linked to other mental health issues, often anxiety, so hey, it’s a strong possibility that I have that too.

Do I want to get help?

Yea.

Do I get anxious about the idea of reaching out and being vulnerable towards someone that is really only there to help me?

Yes.

So will I be doing anything about it besides trying to snap myself out of it which hasn’t worked that well over the past couple years anyways?

Nope, definitely not.

Plus my sister does know about it, but I don’t think the the extent at which it is now, because it’s literally the weirdest compulsion ever, and I didn’t know it was a think until I googled it.

Most people say not google symptoms, but in this case it was rather helpful.

Well this turned into something I was not expecting.

#thats a lot #sleepy #well felt good to write it out #january 2020

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gaiaphage · 5 years

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Do you ever miss who you used to be?

In the sense that I miss being carefree, having no worries, or stressors, but this is something that most everyone experiences and has to grow out of eventually.

Regarding who I used to be a couple of years ago, not so much. I have grown to understand, and have a better handle on the situations and the people that surround me, something I was never really able to do before.

I am more carefree in a sense, that I don't so much worry about what others are doing around me, or what they think of me.

Overall, once your out on your own, experiencing little more of the real world, you grow and learn so many new things about yourself and the world around you, and hopefully that is something that changes you for the better, and strengthens you, and that's the way I see it for myself.

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gaiaphage · 5 years

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Some days I just wish that when I go to sleep everything will change and I will wake up and be in my own future. I will have my life together, be in a relationship, have a good job, have a house of my own. I wouldn’t have to suffer through to get there, it would just be.

Or maybe I just need to learn to be happy where I’m at.

#october 31st 2018 #future #present #move forward #happiness #the pursuit of happyness

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gaiaphage · 5 years

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This made me feel good. I barely know this kid and infrequent talk to him, yet out of the blue he just tells me this. He also disclosed some pretty personal things without knowing me, expressing that he just felt like he could trust me and that I’m a good person.

That’s the kinda thing that makes me feel like maybe I am in the right program and I just need to stop doubting myself so much.

#october 30th 2018 #random #beutiful #sweet #nice #stranger #disclosure #cyc

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gaiaphage · 6 years

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#october 20th #2018 #the feels #poetry #uncaged wallflower

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gaiaphage · 6 years

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I don’t know what it is about walking in the rain, but it’s one of my favourite things.

You’re at the hands of Mother Nature, whether your going to get drenched head to toe, or you’ll barely even feel the rain.

It’s almost a position of vulnerability. Reminding us that what is to come is unknown. That maybe it will rain forever, that the storm has just begun, or that it may leave quicker then it even came.

Or many it’s just the simple fact that I like walking in the rain, and there’s nothing else to it.

I’m happy with either.

#rain #walking in the rain #dark #toronto #street #inspiration #beautiful #though provoking #poetry

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gaiaphage · 6 years

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I am laying here naked,

Nothing but skin.

Though if I kept that to myself,

It would not really matter.

Once I say it out loud,

It causes an uproar.

As soon as the clothes come off,

You are no longer a person,

But a body,

A sexual being.

Naked is no longer natural,

But sexual.

I want to choose.

I want to choose when I am to be looked at as a temptress;

I am not here for your entertainment.

I am laying here naked,

No sinful thought in my mind.

And I wish the same for you.

#september 15th #2018 #crap poetry #poetry #feelings #i tried #im tired #naked #exposed #vulnerable

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gaiaphage · 6 years

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I am beginning to suffer,

Letting my past back in.

It is threatening to consume me.

I am beginning to feel like my old self,

The one I never liked.

That week child, hurt by the world.

I wish not to return to my old childish ways,

But to continue as the woman I have become,

And continue to grow;

Into a better version of my last self.

#june 10th 2018 #1:13am #tired #out late #confused #i dont want to go back #i want to keep going #i want to keep growing #please dont take me back

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gaiaphage · 6 years

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I feel like my personality and views on life dramatically change as soon as it gets dark. Going from feeling like I can do anything and how great my future will be, to feeling like I’m lost, alone, and that I have no future.

Maybe I should just go to bed earlier.

#april 10th #12:14am #late night thoughts #deep thoughts #confused #struggling #i dont know whats going on #im trying

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gaiaphage · 6 years

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I went to the movies today with some friends, despite have a lot of work I should have been doing, despite not feeling like I wanted to get dressed, put makeup on and leave my room. I went because I knew I needed a break, to forget about the stresses of life for a while, Though I did not feel up to going I knew that once I left my room, I would be so happy I did.

We need to remember to take care of ourselves. It’s hard to remember that when we get so overwhelmed with what where doing whether that be with school, work, family etc. But what should come first is self care, which should also be a valid enough reason to miss a day of work, or skip a class. If you ever get to the point that your so emotionally and physically drained, that is enough of a reason to stop and take time for yourself. You deserve that much. If all your doing is stressing, then it’s time to take a break, because there is more to life then just that.

We need to love ourselves, and that involves taking care of both our body and our mind.

Remember to stop, relax, and breath every once and a while. Take time for you.

#mental health #take time for yourself #relax #breath #stop #positvevibes #take care of yourself #you are important #you matter #there is more #there is more to life then stress #march 22nd 2018

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gaiaphage · 6 years

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Life is so fucked up.

-one long night

#wtf #why #late night #talking #february 20th 2018 #1:21am #is she okay

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gaiaphage · 6 years

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I need to stop judging others. I need to stop judging others for their actions, what they post, what they say, how they look, talk, act, or in any other way. It isn’t fair. You don’t know what’s going on in their lives, what they have gone through, or what they may be currently going through. You never know what is going on in someone’s mind at any given moment, and you often don’t get the full story behind their actions. By judging others, it doesn’t better your life, other then maybe boosting your self confidence for a short time after. If you aren’t decent enough to give someone else the benefit of the doubt, it is unfair of you to expect others to give it to you. So please be conscious of your thoughts, it opens your eyes to what may be truly going on around you.

#love all #love to all #no room for negativity #positivity #positive vibes

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gaiaphage · 6 years

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Scars

Everyone has them. Some may have been accidents but other scars, well they’re created for a purpose. No matter the cause, they each hold their own story and each one is valid, like the time that you weren’t paying attention and you grabbed a hot pan without thinking, or when you felt like you were so alone in the world and had no other answers for yourself but to mark up your own skin.

Each scar has a story, but you see, the stories of accidents, or the times you just weren’t thinking, they’re more easily told then those of cut wrists, and those scars we hold inside. The accidents, well they’re something that everyone experiences, something that could happen to anyone. Now the ones that are self inflected, they hold a much deeper story, one that isn’t so easily shared, because no one can understand ones own motives for harming themselves, they don’t see any reason for it, so to try and tell someone about the reason for the marked up legs, wrists, or whatever it may be, isn’t something that anyone really wants to talk about. But here’s my story:

I think it all started around last October when I lost my papa to brain cancer. Since my family was so close, it’s hard to lose anyone, he was the first of my grandparents to go and he was an amazing grandpa. I always used to say, when I died, I would need a boyfriend because I wouldn’t be able to handle it on my own. Turns out I did have a boyfriend at the time, one of 1.5 years, but I guess that doesn’t really mean much because we were kind of a mess. Anyways, In that time that I needed him, it didn’t really feel like he was there. I was get upset thinking about my papa and he would just let me be, if I wanted to he held I’d have to go to him, and his only response to anything in that time was “you’ll be okay”. Because of losing my papa, and my boyfriend at the time not seeming to be there for me, I felt super distant from him, and starting trying to figure what we even had if he wasn’t even there for me in the hard times. I fell in a deep hole and I couldn’t seem to get out. So at that time, I didn’t what I had thought about doing for a while, I took a razer blade to my skin. It felt good, I felt like I was in control, it helped to calm me in a weird way. I did it a few more times after that, and told my boyfriend but he didn’t say much. I stoped for a while, until a reached another low point where I felt alone, like I didn’t know what my relationship was anymore, and I had always hated myself, and everything always tends to pile up all into one like that so I cut again. This time carving “I hate myself” onto my upper left thigh. And again, it made me feel so much better, and as long as the cuts hurt to the touch until they healed, I felt good. And Then I would do it again.

This time, it wasn’t long after that me and my boyfriend were going to a party, they had a hot tub there so I was looking for a baithing suit, then remember my scars, I said I can’t wear one. His response was “well that’s your fault”.

As if he though that was something I needed to hear, as if I didn’t already know I did it to myself. I ran upstairs away from him because I didn’t know what to say, and I’m hopes that he might follow me. When he finally came up I told him that I knew I did it to myself, but I didn’t need to here that from him. And again, his response, “well it’s true”. Let’s just say the rest of that night was a mess. That was also the night his new girlfriend apparently started liking him, but that’s a whole other story.

Now to the present. I haven’t cut since that last time. If I’m being honest I almost did the other day, and I almost did so many times after the breakup, and if you’ve been here for a while, you probably know why. But looking back on it now, part of the reason I cut was because I felt alone, hurt, or stressed, but the other part I think was to try and get his attention. That if I hurt myself he would see the way I needed him, and he would be there for me. But that wasn’t how it happened at all. But again, knowing what I know know, he was never really there in the first place.

There a part of me that wishes I never would have done it, but it’s just like any other thing, it makes you grow, it changes you, and teaches you things. Now I’m not really sure of my intentions for telling my story, part of it is just to put it out there, because I share everything in here and I want to be able to look back one day and see my whole life on here, and the other part, is to let you guys know I’m here for you. I know I only cut a few times, and that’s nothing compared to other people, but even cutting once is too much. So I’m here for you, any of you, for any reason at all. I’m a good listener. You don’t have to suffer through things alone, just talk to someone, even if it’s a stranger on the internet.

You are amazing and you deserve to be happy, to love your life and love yourself. No matter what’s going on in your life or what you’re struggling with, even if it seems so small, if it matters to you, it’s relevant and should be talked about. Don’t suffer in silence.

I love you all

-April ❤️

#january 12th 2018 #12:15am #love yourself #you are strong #you are beautiful #you are amazing #youve made it this far #keep fighting #im here #im always here #october/novmeber

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gaiaphage · 6 years

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