gimmedatingadvice
Need some dating advice?
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Hello everyone! This is a blog where you can tell me about any troubles you have that are related to dating and ask me for advice. I'll do my best to help you as much as possible! I'll be a friend to you and I won't make any negative judgments. Please read the rules and the information on this blog before submitting/asking me a question.
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hi there!
i have a bit of a weird problem. i'm currently in a relationship, but for a few months now (including before i got together with my current partner) i've had a crush on my best friend. i pushed it down because i didn't want to ruin our friendship, but then one of our other friends started dating my best friend.
i love my partner, and i don't want to break up with them, but i still feel angry at myself for not taking the chance and jealous/angry with my other friend for dating my best friend when i thought that was a bad thing to do.
do you have any advice of what to do?
Hello! I'm sorry for this late reply.
To be honest, you can't have both; you can confess to your best friend, but it'll put your best friend and his partner in an uncomfortable spot, and you'll have to break up with your partner. Or you can choose to let go of your regret, which would be the best thing to do, since you're in a relationship with someone you love and your best friend is already in a relationship with someone.
Be honest about yourself and think about what you really want in a relationship. You could be thinking that things would've been different and better, if you took the chance to confess to your best friend back then, but you don't know that for sure. In fact, it could've gone worse. You can try to write down your regrets to fact-check them, in order to accept and let go of your regret. That way, you can also learn from it. You can't change the past, but you can learn from it.
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Hello! It's Bob again!
I've been having periods of doing well, and moments of hurt. But I've been learning a lot about sexual violence and I didn't think too much of it, but long story short I was manipulated into having sex with my ex. I've been getting support from a few trusted friends, but any sexual connotation reminds me of what he did, and I feel so weak and used. It's haunting me.
I would love to hear any advice you have for moving on from this.
Thank you,
Bob
Hey Bob!
I'm really sorry for this late response and I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you. I wish that never happened to you and I feel sad that you feel weak and used. You're a strong and brave survivor who is able to talk about this traumatic experience, even though it must be difficult.
I'm really glad you've been getting support from your friends. That is a good way to recover from sexual violence; reach out to people you trust and surround yourself with supportive people. It will definitely help you to start recovering.
It looks like to me that you've already taken the first steps, which is great! But I just wanted to add this, just in case: recognize and really understand that you didn't deserve it. You didn't do anything to deserve such a terrible thing. Don't blame yourself, because it really was NEVER your fault.
It's very important to be kind to yourself and take time to feel your feelings, to adjust, and to take back your life. Don't worry; even though it will take time, you will be able to recover from it. Take care of yourself physically (eat right, get a good night sleep, exercise, etc.), and use stress reduction methods, such as yoga and mindfulness meditation. Think about what helped you when you had to go through a difficult time and use that coping technique. Write your feelings and thoughts in a journal.
As for those sexual concerns that you have, it's important to know that you can go at your own pace when it comes to any type of sexual intimacy. If, in the future, you're uncomfortable with your partner about anything sexual, you can let them know what you're okay with and what you're not okay with. If you're not ready to be sexual, that's okay and you can let them know that.
You could also try to stay busy (do an activity you like, etc.), but don't overdo it. Take some time to rest, as well. You may also want to avoid any TV programs, movies, news, and social media that has to do with sexual violence.
Also, if you feel that you have no control over your life, try to make as many choices of your own. It doesn't even have to be something big; it can be something like changing your hairstyle.
If you're still struggling (and that's okay) and if you haven't already, I highly encourage you to seek help from trained professionals. You may also find joining a support group as helpful.
Although this was a late response, I hope I helped you out and I sincerely wish you all the best!
#ask#anonymous#dating advice#advice#dating#relationships#relationship advice#love advice#tw: sexual violence
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hello!
i need your help
so im in a relationship with this guy and i love him a lot. hes so caring and really loving and would do a lot of stuff for me. but im so mentally exhausted right now and i don't know if im in the right place to be in a relationship. he also lives very far away so we've only seen each other once. we've been dating for 1 month now or like know each other since then.
im just really bad at reaching out to people in general and i do like him but im doing very bad with my mental health right now.
idk what to tell him since we're not close enough yet to talk about mental health and stuff i think.
Hello anon! I really hope I can help you!
It's okay to be unsure about talking about your mental health with your new partner. The thing you have to remember though is that you can't really hide it forever (I know you're not trying to hide it, but I just thought I should emphasize this point); at some point, it's going to show. If that does happen and he asks you what's wrong, you can tell him that you're doing not well with your mental health right now. Just be honest and open. If he understands and he loves you, he will support and help you, as well.
But if you don't feel ready to tell him about your mental health when he asks you what's going on, you can just keep it simple and say that you have a problem or you could just give few basic details about your mental health if you're okay with that and that you're working on yourself, but you would like to tell him about it when you're ready. Again, be honest.
It's your personal choice to tell your boyfriend about your mental health, so you can let him know when you're ready.
You could practice talking about your issue before you disclose about it with your boyfriend, if you feel anxious. It can help you to be more comfortable talking about it and prepare for how your boyfriend might react. When you feel that it's the right time to disclose about your issue to your boyfriend, you could start by talking about how you love and appreciate him a lot, so that you won't overwhelm him, and then let him know about your problem. You should explain your mental health clearly, so that he can understand, and let him ask questions. Then, you can conclude it with how you will and are handling it, such as how you're getting professional help.
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Hello again! Yes both of those asks were mine, thank you for responding to both, I find your advice very helpful, so thank you. And since I'll probably need some help again, I'll start going by bob. But anyway, I didn't see either of these till a day or so after the break up, and Ive since realized I sort of shut off my emotions a tad while my ex and I were talking. He said if I still wanted to clear anything up I could. So I did, which was a mistake because I was just looking for an explanation that could prove he cared even though he didn't. He was rather rude. I spent the next day basically seething in rage and just feeling everything and getting support from friends. That was the day before, and I felt surprisingly okay today (it's 3am after that day rn, but whatever) I got a lot of packing done for when I go to school and spent time with friends. I feel like I got over it too fast, will my feelings fluctuate to the point of feeling almost fine? Or am I actually doing good?
Hi again, Bob! I assumed both of those asks were yours, but I just wanted to make sure, haha! And you're welcome, I'm glad you found them helpful!
I see, I'm really sorry to hear he was rude to you. But it sounds like to me that you're doing better now and I'm glad! Maybe you feel like you shouldn't be like this—feeling like you've got over it too fast, but everyone's different, so it's okay to feel that way. Some people take a long time to move on from their past relationship, but some people don't. If you feel better now, then that's what you feel and I think you're doing good.
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is it ever okay to break up over text? my bf and I started dating over text, so I feel like it’d be okay. I’m also better at explaining and communicating when typing things out. I’m not planning on sending a paragraph and ditching either, I want to take the time to talk it out over text. is that alright or is it rude?
It depends on you and your boyfriend, and what's happening in your relationship. Usually, breaking up over text isn't okay, but there are times when it is a good idea.
In your case, yes, I think it's fine, since you're better at explaining things when texting.
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Hi! My bf and I have been in a relationship for close to 2 years. I love him a lot and he adores me. The only problem is that, I’ve been secretly thinking about his friend’s paternal twin brother and how it would be like to get to know him. I feel like a horrible person for thinking like that. I just feel like I might not be happy and that’s why I’m having these thoughts…? I’m not entirely sure. Please help!!!
Helloo!
You're not a horrible person; it's natural and normal to find other people, who aren't your partner, attractive. What really matters is how you act on those feelings. If you're constantly thinking and fantasizing about that person though, that could be a sign that your current relationship is on the rocks.
Hope it helps!
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my bf and i have been together for a year and a half. we moved in together 6 months ago and i thought we were ready. i have to do most of the chores due to his severe social anxiety. i’m tired of having to be the only one to do them. i have brought up him getting help for his social anxiety but, he always brings up that he can’t afford it ‘cause he’s paying all the rent. he gets more hours at work than i do and i haven’t been able to make rent for most of the time that we’ve lived here due to my own debt and bills. i’ve mentioned once in a long fight that i’ll move back in with my parents if he wants. he told me that the relationship would end if i did. i just feel stuck and idk what to do!!!
I think you and your boyfriend should talk about this problem calmly and clearly (definitely don't blame each other), so that you can both come to a compromise. I suggest you both to share the tasks and help each other, instead of you being the only one to do most of the chores and him paying all the rent. So, for example, he could wash the dishes on certain days, and you could wash them on the other days. Then, you'll also have more time to help your boyfriend with paying the rent.
I also recommend you both to take some breaks sometime and go on dates, so that you both won't be so overwhelmed and stressed by work.
I wish you both all the best!
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Eyy, guess who's single. I asked about advice for a new long distance relationship a bit ago, I've sorted everything out now and we broke up peaceful. I was able to tell him what didn't work and how I was hurting. I was a bit hurt that he didn't even try to keep us together, he just gave up, but he never tried in the first place. He was my first boyfriend, any advice for moving on?
Heyyy! I'm not sure if you're the same person who sent me an ask about how they were in a one-sided relationship that I answered some minutes ago, but if you are, I'm sorry I replied so late (I wish I replied earlier, but I was busy)!
Also, although I'm sorry to hear you and your partner broke up, that was the right thing to do. And I'm glad that it was peaceful and you were able to tell him about your feelings and what the problem was.
Moving on will take time and it'll be difficult, but it will eventually happen. You should know first that it's completely okay that you can’t stop thinking about him. As a matter of fact, if you want to get rid of those feelings, you need to let yourself feel what you feel. Feel sad if you need to. Accept those feelings. Be honest with yourself. Then, you can try writing down your thoughts and feelings to help you understand them, so that you can let go of those feelings.
Also, it would be best to have no contact with your ex-boyfriend. You need to focus on yourself right now and having no contact with your ex would really help.
It’s really important to love yourself and take good care of yourself. Treat yourself, and spend time with people who love you. Don't be afraid to ask others for help, if you need it. Change your routine and keep yourself busy. Write down all of your best qualities and know your worth. You can also write down things you didn't like about your boyfriend, so that it'll help you to not have any doubts about your breakup. Furthermore, think about what you learned from this relationship.
I hope this helps and I wish you all the best!
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Hi, my boyfriend and I are starting college, he left a little over a week ago and I'll be leaving soon. I love him to pieces, but he isn't working with me. Whenever I've said how I feel he's literally responded with "I get that". I'm trying to tell him what I need to make this work, but he's been dismissive. I understand he's busy, but I want to talk to him about making some semblance of a plan. I asked for good morning and goodnight texts, and he said he'd rather go with the flow. I asked for more details cuz I want to hear about the new memories he's making and he said he didn't remember much, and he never asks what I'm up to or how I'm doing. I just want some effort, and when I've talked to him about it he's made excuses.
Hi anonymous!
Unfortunately, you're in a one-sided relationship. You're the only one who's putting effort in your relationship. Definitely don't do all the work. No matter how busy he is, he can and he should hear you out. He's not willing to put work into the relationship, which means he simply doesn't care. It's best to move on.
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Hi! I have a question about my 1.5 years old relationship. I love my bf so much and he’s the only bf ive ever had (i had one other relationship back in high school but it wasnt that serious). We’re both 20 and im just worried that i’ll never be able to break up with him bc im too scared to be alone. I hate spending time by myself (he’s the opposite, he’s an introvert). I have no reason to break up with him right now although occasionally i wonder if he’s REALLY the right person for me. For example, he has this friend who jokes around slut-shaming girls and even though he keeps on telling me he’s super toxic and he doesn’t condone his “jokes” he is STILL his friend and it doesn’t sit right w/me. I mean they’ve been friends for too long and i KNOW my bf doesn’t like those kinds of jokes bc he always shows me the groupchat and how he reacts in a situation like that. But there are other things that i keep overthinking. For example i know how he reacted after he broke up with his ex (which was when he was 17 and i think he has changed a lot i was his friend back then i observed his growth for 3 years now). He said some bad things behind her back and i wonder/am afraid if one day we broke up he would joke around w/his sexist friends about me too. I feel like i’ve taught him A LOT during our friendship/relationship about these issues because he is actually a good person. Sorry for rambling coming back to my original question i am scared that i won’t meet anyone else and we will be together forever. Even though that is sort of a sweet thing i don’t want to regret anything. I dont want this to be my only experience in relationships, i wanna know more people. But i also have no real reason to break up with him right now. Im afraid i wont realize a real reason when it comes too because i love him so much. -🤸🏻♀️
Hii! Hope I can help you out!
Well, from what I can see, you're worrying about things that hasn't happened yet. And that's ok, you're still trying to get to know more about yourself, but since they haven't happened yet, you can relax. Some of the things you're concerned about might not even happen. If and when it happens, you can deal with it then and ask for help from others (you can ask me too—I don't mind), if you need it.
I understand you not wanting to regret anything, but instead of thinking "I want more experience in relationships," think about what's really important for you in relationships. Love is not about finding the most perfect person for you. Think about whether or not you're truly happy in your current relationship. Is this relationship worth it? For example, think about how your boyfriend is still friends with someone who's very toxic and talks badly about girls. People generally choose and make friends with others who are similar to themselves. If you're not happy in this relationship, figure out what can you do change that. And that doesn't always mean you have to end the relationship, of course. If it's possible, you can work it out with your boyfriend.
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My ex and I broke up almost a year ago because he cheated and gave me an sti. About 2 months ago my roommate told me that my ex had come over and confessed that he still "feels a connection with me". When my roommate told me that I instantly got mad because of all the stuff my ex put me through and how he constantly gaslighted me throughout the breakup. My roommate talked to him again shortly after that telling him that he should apologize and own up to how badly he treated me especially if he still feels connected to me after all this time, and my ex agreed asking for my number so we can talk. A few weeks go by and I don't hear from him so I decide to reach out letting him know if he wants to talk we can do so amicably. It's been over a month now and, to no surprise, he hasn't responded. My roommate also said that my ex has been ignoring him and bailing on plans... I feel like my ex is avoiding us because he's bad with conflict and feels guilty so I want him to talk when he's ready. But at the same time I feel tired of waiting for an overdue apology. I have no intentions of getting back with him or even yelling at him, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to talk to him about it and why he feels connected to me. What do you think I should do?
Oh my, first of all, I'm sorry to hear that you went through so many difficulties!
Second, since he's the one who's at fault, he should be the one to take responsibility for his own actions, instead of avoiding you. To be honest, I recommend you to not talk to him and cut off all contact with him. If he was really going to apologize, he would've already done it. But he hasn't done anything and it's been over a month, so it looks like he didn't actually mean it.
But, you should do what's comfortable for you. If you really want talk to him about it, don't wait for him to give you an apology and tell him that you want to talk about it. You could do that or you could do what I recommended. I hope everything goes well for you!
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How do I know if I should let go of someone or not? How do I know if someone is worth staying with and how do I know if someone is worth pursuing?
If you feel that your relationship is emotionally draining you a lot, your partner is toxic, and you're the only one in your relationship who's trying, it's best to let go of that person.
If you love your partner and you feel loved, safe, comfortable, and content with them, then that person is the one for you. Someone who's worth staying with is a person who is willing to put effort in the relationship because they love you and you also feel like you can be yourself around them. It's someone who you can trust in.
If that person loves spending time with you as much as you do with them, you both feel comfortable with each other, they're willing to grow with you, and they're a trustworthy person, they are worth it. Trust your instinct. Don't think too much about whether or not someone is worth pursuing though. If you're interested in someone, ask them out and get to know them, so you can decide whether or not they're the right person for you.
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How do you know when you’ve fallen out of love?
You'll know when you've fallen out of love when you feel that you have to force yourself to love that person. It's also when you start thinking of life without them, everything they do begins to annoy you, and you don't feel anything towards your partner anymore.
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Hey I need some help! I've been with my so for almost 7 years. We are married and we are very much in love. But we have 2 very different sex drives. When we first started dating sex was not an issue. We would do the deed at least 3 times a week. I should preface with my partner does suffer with sexual trauma and I try my very best to be as sensitive to that as possible. Anyway as the years have past we started having sex less and less and they started to say it was because of their very complicated relationship with sex, which again I've tried my best to be as sensitive and understanding as possible. But as time has gone by the intamacy has completely died and they have made it quite clear to me that sex is never even a thought for them. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I can't flirt or even say anything sexual or flirty to them without them treating me as if sex is all I care about. If I make any sort of comment on their appearance they act like I'm trying to have sex right then and there. It's been 4 months since we have had sex and to be Frank I'm over it. Sex is important to me but they've always made me feel gross for thinking that way but its true. It's gotten to where I feel gross and bad for being attracted to them or even desiring them sexually at all. I don't know how to bring it up at all or if I even should. It not even just sex, they went a whole day without kissing me one time and when I brought it up to them, they got mad at me for even keeping track of something like that and proceeded to tell me that made them not want to kiss me more. I guess I am tired if acting like it doesn't bother me. Any advice on this at all??
Hi there!
I'm sorry to hear you and your SO are having this problem. I hope I can give you some helpful advice!
You should talk about this non-judgmentally with your SO. Ask them what their preferences are; what would make them feel safe and in control. Their preferences could change sometimes or often, so it's best if you just check with them daily about what they would be ok with. Ask your partner gently about what could make them upset/angered, so you can be aware of what their triggers are and help them avoid those triggers. Since sexual intimacy is something your partner is struggling with, you can also both show affection for each other in ways that aren't physical. It can be something simple, such as spending time with each other.
Discuss with them how you're willing to help with their needs, but talk about your thoughts and feelings about this, as well. It's important to consider your partner of course, but you need to be honest about your own needs too. Just remember to do it in a way that won't make them feel pressured about it.
Also, your partner needs to seek out professional help for their sexual trauma. It would be best if you go with your SO, as well. It would be helpful for both of you. They need to heal from that terrible experience. You can also learn more about what your partner has difficulties with, which can help you to understand about your SO more and support them.
I wish you all the best!
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Hey!
I matched with a guy on a dating app. We went out & it went really well and we connected. He mentioned he enjoyed it multiple times (irl and via text) and had hinted he would like to see me again. During our date i got the vibe he is more of an introvert and enjoys his time alone. We didnt rlly text much after our date but I knew he was going to be busy that week, and he isnt big on texting it seemed. I ended up texting him to ask if he’d be interested to go out again, to which he replied positively but told me that he wouldn’t have time that specific week and that we should text to plan something for the next. Surprisingly enough he even tried to engage in a convo and showed interest.
It’s now been 2,5 weeks since. I was busy with uni and kinda forgot to get back to him to set up a new date and he also didnt reach out (he is also busy). I’m unsure what to do, because I still would like to see him again. Thing is, I don’t have the time to hang out for the next month or so, which i told him during our date. Since he isnt a txter, we havent communicated in weeks and we only went out once, it feels weird and clingy to text him. And idk if he is still interested. However, i cant get him out of my head and I feel as though I need proper closure. Also, I don’t even know what to text bc he is so dry. What should I do? Text or leave it? And what should I say.. “sorry, I forgot to get back at you?”?
Thanks!! I appreciate it
Hey there!
Since he isn't the type to text, I think it would be best to call him or do a video chat with him instead.
You should, first, apologize to him that you forgot to get back to him to set up a new date because you were busy with uni. And then you should let him know that you're still interested in him and you want to go out with him again. If he's still interested, he'll eagerly agree with you. Then, you can both plan when to go out on a date. Most likely, that'll also open to up to a conversation, but you can always just ask him simple questions about himself, like "how are you doing?" to make a casual conversation. If he's busy, just let him know that you understand, tell him good luck/have fun, and let him know you want to talk to him at another time. I think it would also be a good idea for both of you to make a schedule of when you can both call or video chat, so you can keep contact with each other.
I hope this helps! Good luck!
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Hi there.. so here’s the deal.. we broke up last year, November 2020. 1 year and 10months being in a relationship. The last time we saw each other was before the pandemic hits, its November or December 2019. We continue communicating through text and call to each other every night everyday. Sometimes we see each other outside but just quick meeting. As the month pass by, we are having a problems not fully understanding each other; we have so many misunderstandings and at the end we always fight. We never talk or call each other for days and 1 week and after we cool off, we talk and fix it but you can feel the struggle and exhaustion being in a relationship.
Fast forward, he is telling me not to do anything for him because when we broke up he will never be able to do anything without me, for all the time we spent together he always rely on me and days later we rarely talk, afraid that i might fight him and argue with him but thats the opposite, i just miss him so i want to talk to him. Days gone by and we never really had a good conversation so i decided ask him if we are through because he is not telling me anything, leaving me hanging. He tells me that he thinks we are through and decided to broke up with me, for the reason that we never understand each other, i deserve better, i will find someone else fast and easily. In the end, i cant do anything but to accept it.
After 3 months since we broke up, i messaged him to ask some help/advice from him. Got a fast reply. He replied to me nicely and our conversation is like back to normal like friends do and ask what happened. We talk about it for a minute. After that we lost communication. He never texts/chat first but when i do text him first, he replies. Did he moved on already from me? Do we have a chance to get back together? Or should i just continue moving forward with my life without him?
Sorry it’s too long. Thank you!
Hello there! It’s okay, no worries!
I think he moved on.
He already said what he thinks about how he thinks you and him are through and he did make the decision to break up with you. Also, if he never initiates conversation first, chances are he’s not interested. If someone’s interested, they will make the effort.
I think it would be best for you to move on, as well. It’ll be hard, since you still miss him, but the main thing you should do is to take good care of yourself and it will get better.
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