god-hunter

[god-hunter]

Let’s Talk About Gal Pal!

I feel like it’s been forever since the last entry.

First of all, Happy New Year!  We’re already practically done with January, so there’s that.  The best way to sum it up though is that now I have a reason to get excited about Valentine’s Day!  I’ve been dating One person since I called it Done with ShyGirl.  And we’ve both been on the same close-lipped page of not wanting to fuck it up, because it’s such a good time.  But at this point, you could basically say, we’re doing the thing.

I don’t open Tinder anymore.  And even when I did, it didn’t feel right anymore.  I swiped left on gorgeous girls or just felt like I was turning my back on her for even looking at other people.  We both caught feelings.  And they’re getting very serious.

Which is great.  We have a lot in common.  Similar humor, dark tastes, religious beliefs, we both love video games and movie reviews, so we’ve got entertainment pretty much covered!  We love cooking with and for each other.  We have shared trauma...  We’re there for each other.

It’s good stuff.  The bond is getting really solid.

There are 2 fears.  The long-term end goals.

I don’t think she wants Marriage or Kids.  And those are big ones for me.

But we’ll sort that out later.  It’s what’s preventing her from saying any definitive words on what this is.  And I respect her for that immensely.  Let’s get one thing clear, we’re both very happy.  But I’m not making the same mistake for another 5 years.

With my Ex, I think my biggest take away was that, even if things seem Amazing at first, if the big wants aren’t aligned, then... Ya gotta end it. That goes double for when things aren’t great anymore.  Fuck trying to work it out.  Leave impossible situations before they become Dead.  I dunno, maybe, maybe not.

She wanted Couple’s Therapy by the end, and I didn’t believe in it.  Especially when you’re not married.  What was I gonna do, try to work stuff out with intensive sessions, just to see if we Could get Married one day???  Fuck that.

That - is not a good foundation for a marriage.

But enough about that.  There’s not too much else to say in this rant, other than my dating mentality has changed. It’s not just about partying and having a good time.

It’s really starting to become about inserting ourselves into each other’s lives and seeing what else works.  She met 2 of my friends last weekend and had the best time.  She also met 2 other close friends, amongst some acquaintances in a Zoom on New Year’s Eve and really enjoyed all of them.

Soon it’ll be my turn to meet her best friends. I’m looking forward to that.

Things are definitely mirroring that great Honeymoon phase of a new relationship.  I’m getting a lot of weird flashbacks to exactly how happy I was when I started with the Ex, 6 years ago, as of 1/14/21. So my big hang up is that I don’t trust it anymore. You know how many awesome Honeymoon feelings I’ve had, and how many One’s I’ve met at this point???  So now I’m at a pragmatic point where I’m just like, “Oh, okay.  This is how it goes.  This is what Dopamine and Serotonin feels like.”

And part of that bothers me, because I’m not magically whimsical anymore.  But another part of me is fine with it, because I’m still enjoying the moment, but I’m just experienced and protecting myself from getting hurt.

I also want to make sure I really like her and not just the potential of her.

We don’t have to get into this, but she’s a heavier girl and she’s talked a lot about how she wants to lose weight.  So I’m encouraging any of that when we talk about it. Beyond that, her career bumped her up to a Part-time job rather than a Per Diem spot and I’m really proud of her.  But even still, part of me wonders how all of that will pan out and if she’ll find better or do more with her time.

Those are long-term things though that remain to be seen.

For now, I think we’ve got the interpersonal stuff covered.  As I’ve said to my friends before when I gush about her, I love how she makes me feel.  We are SO sexually compatible, and still learning/discovering new things with each other in that department.  But even outside of that, we just really like each other’s company.  We have fun together.  And that is So important!!

My problem is that I know it’s a phase.  I now that stuff get’s common place.  And I need to make sure that when I get there... that we still manage to be so compatible that it’s still a great time.  Even when we’re just in the same room, doing independent things.

Bagh.  Life is complicated.

But as I’ve said to her, we can keep this simple and not worry about any of that other stuff for as long as she wants.  We’ll talk about her other worries and fears whenever she’s ready.  And I think it’ll give her an even bigger comfort to know that I share them too.

Commitment is scary. It’s still debatable whether I’m ready or not.  But... I know I don’t feel at all like how I did Last February when we initially broke up.  Or Last March-April when I was talking to any woman and flirting however I could.  Or May-June, when I was actually dating again and got super hurt.  July was my time out for me.  This one met me in September when I was already resolute with a lot of that...

And she already notices a Huge difference in me since when we met in September.  As she put it, I don’t just view her as a different girl, I’m viewing her as a whole person now.

And that’s true!

But yes.  I too share the fears.  Did I spend enough time dating other people? Did I get stuff out of my system.  Is this settling or is this something solid?  Etc etc.  

Each time I see her, I’ve been questioning that less and less.  And that is what makes me happy.

That’s all for now, folks.  Gal Pal and I have been consistently evolving since September.  We’re not Official yet, but... I definitely don’t want to keep fishin’.  At least for now.  So that’s certainly something!

#Let's Talk About Gal Pal! #rants #raves #dating #relationships #commitment?

[god-hunter]

The Ballad of Shy Girl

Hey Tumblr,

It’s almost been a full 4 weeks since the last entry.  Almost a month, but not quite.  And I wanted to focus this one on that Sunday Girl I’ve been dating.  We actually went on 4 dates, which sounds exciting on paper, but the reality is unfortunately quite lame.  Last time I didn’t have a proper name for her, because I just met her.  But now I certainly do.  This one was Shy Girl.

So let me rewind the clock back to our last entry.  After we wrapped, I had plans to meet her in the same town that I used to hang with Dancing Girl at the beginning of the year.  Just traveling there gave me weird, Pre-Pandemic flashbacks.

My Bright Idea for Date 1 was to go to a Sports Bar with a good menu and solid beer selection.  The only problem was that it was a Sunday and I didn’t even think that the Football Game would be on super loud.  But I’m already skipping over the most important part.  When I met her outside and she came over to the bar, she didn’t quite look like her picture at all.  And she certainly didn’t sound like I was expecting either.  [It’s really weird when you meet someone through text first.  For a whole week I was getting an idea of how she sounded, and figuring she looked like her dolled up picture all the time.]. Soon I would find that the reality was that she practically never dolled herself up, and that picture was some kind of rarity.

...anyway, the date was okay.  She was Really Quiet while we were getting to know each other.  I did my best to engage conversation, ask about her, compare stories, talk metal.  The Metal talk was pretty good, but everything else was kind of.. limited.  It was clear she was really nervous.  And I get nervous too when I’m doing most of the talking.  We ended up leaving the 1st place after one beer and luckily she knew the town well, so we walked to another bar that was way more our scene.  Only, it was super dark in there, so we could barely see each other.  Still, it was pretty intimate, by a moonlit window, where we continued our conversation.  I tried talking about her family and her lifestyle.  What does she do, and all that.  She mostly works... like, all the time.  Which I think is great.  But the caveat to that is, she doesn’t have much of a personality.

When we talked about music, I was pleased to hear that she originally went to school for Recording and she knows how to use programs and stuff.  She wanted to do Live Sound.  But then, she sort of gave up on that career or hobby altogether.  And that’s really sad.  I’m not one to talk about giving up on career paths, but the difference is, I lived it and tried my hardest.  And Music isn’t going away for me, so I’ve come into my new normal very nicely.

But yeah, when we were losing speed, I actually asked her if she was having a good time, and she said she was.  Then after a while, we left and we said we’d do this again.

After my 1st week of work, we regrouped again that Friday night for Date 2.  And this was a set up that mirrored that 3rd amazing date with Goth Mom.  You know the one...  We did the same exact shit.  I had her over, we ordered food and put on a movie.  [Not very novel, but DAMN the pizza was good.  It was a vodka sausage Sicilian pie].  The movie I put on was Pleasantville and she didn’t... get it.  That was a pink flag for me right there.  Not the end of the world, but as a thinker, I’m going to want to engage in solid conversations about movies, shows or topics that make you think.  Meanwhile her opinion of the movie at the middle was, “I dunno, it’s stupid.”  But I could tell when she said stupid, she was looking for a word to say. Either way, after the movie, we were definitely playing with each other’s hands and stuff and I kissed her a few times.  But Man, I'm telling you, this girl was so shy that it was just pecks and the smallest bit of tongue. You couldn’t call it making out at all.

What was this, Highschool?  She left, not too long after that saying she had a really good time.  We’d make another plan for next week.  But I was already thinking one fo 2 things.  She was either super classy and really respectful, or... she was a prude and inexperienced.  Possibly a virgin.

Which I wouldn’t mind at all, but what bothered me more about the 2nd date was again, conversation.  Most of the things I asked her or talked about she’d say, “I dunno...” or “I haven’t thought about that.”  She also half-whispered while we were talking, and I was starting to wonder if I was dating someone special.

Date 3 was interesting, because it changed 3 times.  I originally wanted to go Hiking with her one weekend, because that’s a big hobby of hers.  I thought, maybe if I put her in her element she’d break out of her shell a little more.  Maybe new passions would come up that she forgot to talk about or something.  Some people are like that.  I definitely blank when I’m nervous sometimes.  So, we made the plan for hiking and she was all about it, but then come the day of, it turned out she had to go into work to help out for Black Friday Prep.  This was on Thanksgiving Eve.  I said I was free all day, but truthfully my time limit was that Afternoon, because I needed to cook for the next day and I was also seeing Gal Pal that night, so...  ;-D

When it fell through, she made immediate plans to reschedule for that Saturday before she goes into work.  That was an interesting premise.  A Breakfast Date! So we went to IHOP.  We had mentioned missing that place, in Facebook. [Oh yes, and on Facebook, I caught some new red flags about her.  1, nearly none of her pictures looked like that Allyson Flannigan one, which was taken in April.  {She must’ve gone to a special thing or something.}. But 2, more prevalent, her profile said that she was still in a relationship.]

I was really put off by that, but before I wrote things off I thought about the idea that she might have JUST broken up with someone.  On the first date she admitted that she was just trying to meet people and not take anything very seriously.  So that was fine, I met her in the middle there.  But now I was thinking, “Holy shit, this girl just threw herself back into the scene, and she hit the jackpot when she swiped on me.”  I also had a fear that after 2 dates, and asking me to friend her on FB, that maybe this was a subtle way of telling me that We’re in a relationship, since we’d been dating multiple times... o.o

But then came the IHOP date, which happened, but it changed trajectory once we ate and she had more time before work.  Again, conversation was stilted, mostly one-sided and filled with a lot of silence or “I dunno’s” on her part.  I was already thinking, “This isn’t great.” and somehow FORGOT to bring up the relationship status.  COMPLETELY.  But with the extra time, when I found out there was a Used CD store nearby and that she loved browsing through, that excited me.  So we went there.  It wasn’t even open yet.  So we went to the Gamestop nearby.  She’s not a gamer, so this was going to be a very short pass through the store.  I started talking about Cyberpunk 2077 and the go working there engaged me in conversation.  Then he was so good that he got me to Pre-Order.  [I’m never in this town, what the fuck?]. But I was in, and happy to get a guaranteed physical copy this late in the waiting game. Then we went back to the car to chill with music and conversation.  Conversation wasn’t really riveting, and it was broad daylight with people walking around, so making out was out of the question.  Still, we held hands and eventually went into the CD store.  This wasn’t as great as I thought it’d be.  She picked up 2 things, but I found nothing that was on my radar.  Also, I discovered that I might be over perusing through CDs.  I did find at least one Deep Purple CD I don’t own, and I had wanted their whole discography, but I was like... nah.  If there was a certain Blue Oyster Cult CD, that’d be a different story.  Anyway, mine was a bust and when she was looking, I lost her.  There was no conversation to be had at all.  At this point, we were independently shopping, together.  When that was over, it was time to say goodbye so she could get to work on time.  I did kiss her goodbye on the lips though.  [That’s important.]

That takes us to this week, my friends.  She had tried to make that Hiking Date happen again last weekend, and it was a no go because there was a lot of rain and possible snow coming here.  Instead, I thought of a neat idea to see her after I pick up Cyberpunk from that damn store.  By chance, she was off that day so that’d work out perfectly.

We set the date for a bar with sweet food again.  This time, I was competing with shitty Live Music - ya know, the boring acoustic kind that plays Pearl Jam and Hootie and the Blowfish all the time...  It wasn’t so bad though, there was a dining area, with less noise.

Anyway, she was better this time.  A little more talkative.  But still boring.  I had just a few things to say about work, because I really didn’t want to talk about work at all.  I wanted to try to find out about her life outside of work, or any dreams or goals.  She don’t have any.  She does want to travel, so that’s cool.  I decided to talk to her about Disney, since that’s her favorite thing... ::eyeroll::  Surprisingly, that didn’t last.  I made sure to get 2 drinks to keep conversation going.

Then I did ask about her Relationship Status and it turns out that she was just too lazy to change it on FB.  [Uhhhh, another red flag.  That’s just a Strange Flag!]. She was in a 4 year relationship that ended 2 years ago.  So she’s had a healthy amount of time to process and move on. I told her that mine was a 5 year relationship that ended in February. For a second, we were almost bonding about how scary it is that long-term relationships don’t work out.  That people completely change by the end.  But... then it stopped there.

Like, GIRL.  I am FEEDING you DEEP Topics!

It was time to get out of there.  I made sure to walk her to her car.  But I didn’t even get all the way there.  It was cold, I said so and she agreed.  Then I went to kiss her goodbye and it was a hug and a kiss on the cheek for her.

Then she was all, “Goodbye” with a smile as she walked back to her car.

She probably thought that went Well!

I enjoyed a good meal, but I didn’t enjoy good conversation at all.  And even though she doesn’t look like Allyson Hannigan all the time, she is still pretty.  But it became clear this time for sure that there isn’t a connection.  Like, at all.  And if she’s just the type of girl that likes to take things Very Slow.  That’s nice and all, but... I’m not interested in going that slow.

So that was this past Thursday and I’m calling it Done.  For the first time ever, I think, I am gonna be the one to break a heart or ‘ghost’.  I don’t believe in ghosting though, I believe in ending things.  So, if she bothers to message me again about another date, I’ll tell her I’m not interested.  I won’t be an idiot and ignore all her messages.  I think that’s fucking lame and cowardly.  I won’t go out of my way to tell her this isn’t working out though.  I’ll just wait for her to message me.

Truth be told, I wasn’t too jazzed about Date 4 in the first place, and you might be able to see why.  But it wasn’t just because of her.  It’s also because things have been going Very Well with Gal Pal.  But that will be a story for another time...

Until then.  Catch ya later!

#The Ballad of Shy Girl #Dating #Relationships #Shy Girl #Dancing Girl #Goth Mom #Gal Pal

[god-hunter]

My Major Turnaround

Hey folks,

Things have really turned around for me in the past 2 weeks - a month.  Honestly I could have and should have written earlier, because there was a lot of build up and toss up between 3 jobs that I could’ve taken at one point.  It would’ve been interesting to analyze how I felt in that moment before I made a decision, and relive that in future readings.  I also have to tell you about my recent luck in the Dating Scene!

On the job front, things finally worked out for me.  It was a lot of back-and-forth with a Recruiter, then a phone interview, followed by an in-person interview 2 weeks later, where it was basically a done deal already.   Only, it really wasn’t that simple at all.  I was applying left and right daily and 2 other things hit too.  I had this interview at a bottle/can sleeving company that was so different and interesting and very high pay.  It was honestly a why not apply, but they actually bit and were interested in me!!  [It’s clear that these guys were my first choice, but it didn’t work out.]. Still, that interview was SUPER positive and I wouldn't have some sort of answer until 3 weeks.  [The fuck!?] That was not unlike the job I ended up with.  Long waiting period.

Then, there were 2 other places that bit too, but they were an easy 3rd and 4th place.  I won’t give names, but both were Warehouse jobs.  The 1st one was just so disorganized and the place looked dirty.. and when it came time to talk about pay, it was kind of up in the air, but I’d either get $14 as a Warehouse Associate or $16 as a Lead.  Get the fuck outta here.  I was upfront and let her know that I needed time to get back to her because I was waiting to hear back from other places.

The other Warehouse opportunity was way more promising, but the bottom dollar was $15.72 at start.  As I’ve never worked in a Warehouse before, there wasn’t much room for negotiation, but I really tried very hard.  This was a Hiring Event that I was at, so things moved quick.  Before I knew it, I was filling out an app on one of their laptops and then received an offer e-mail.  But when I saw that low number, there was no way I could sign the dotted line.  After any of that negotiating at the first interview!?  What the Hell, man?

The only thing that would've made me consider taking that risk was the Game this guy talked.  He was promising me that this was a lasting career.  People moved up there.  Great benefits.  There’s nothing wrong with starting at the bottom.  In 6 months, things open up, you apply within and see what happens.  etc. etc.  He told me that people on his team moved up to Corporate or other high paying departments, and he trained everyone on everything if he saw that they were willing to go that extra mile.  All this good stuff.

But I crunched those numbers, and they just didn’t make sense at all.  I’d barely be making grocery money, let alone bills.

So...  in my mind I had my 1st Place spot - the canning/sleeving company, this 2nd place spot from the Recruiter, the 3rd place spot, which was the $15.72 Warehouse job and 4th place, which was a last resort $14 or possible $16.

My in-person interview at the 2nd place area was the next day, and I didn’t know what I was gonna get.  He could’ve trapped me with more in-depth questions about things I didn’t know.  He could’ve completely caught me off guard.  But instead, just like the phone interview, he was very impressed.  He told me he needed a week, before he had his answer. That night the Recruiter called me, asked how it went and then told me, I got the offer.

!!!  I was shocked.  It was 2nd place, but it’d been so long since that 1st Place job saw me, that I had to consider putting it out of my mind.  4th place, also wasn’t an option.  So really, it was down to this place, which gave me an offer, which met me at my number, or a Warehouse job that was offering $15.72 an hour.

It should be a no brainer, but again - gotta think long term.  The Warehouse would've hired me directly, and despite starting at bottom, I’d be one of them, and climb the ranks within.. Maybe.

Meanwhile this job offered my number, they wanted me, but its Temp-Perm for 6 months.  No promises at continuity.

I had to weigh this option and I decided that it was a risk worth taking.  As I said to my family the night of the first phone interview.  It’s low risk.  On their end, if this doesn’t work out, they could just let me go.  And on my end, even if this doesn’t last past half a year, I’m going to learn more skills and really hike up my resume in experience.  Also the work is very comparable to what I’ve done for the past 2 years.  It’s Customer Service for an Aerospace company.  It just makes sense.

But again, at this interview, I really impressed it upon him that I was interested in working full-time in the long-term.  I asked how often it was that they’d hire a Temp, but things were going well and smooth, so they ended up hiring them full-time after the contract was up.

His answer was pretty positive.  He projects that the company is only going to keep needing people, and kind of let me know that this is how they do it.  [They just want to save a buck.]

But I’m not just gonna sit back and think I’ve got this in the bag.  I’m going to work hard and prove myself and earn my keep.

And all of that starts Tomorrow! I honestly can’t wait to get back to work and feel a sense of normalcy again.

But wait, there’s more.

In the Dating Realm things are heating up again!!

Last time I mentioned that Teacher person on Tinder.  She’s out. I don’t remember the time table, but there was another girl on Tinder that matched me, and for a literal 2 days that was exciting, until she peetered out as well.  Let’s call her TinderCat for lack of a better name. There’s no reason to really get into it about her, but our first conversation was a lot to do with cats, but then we just found that we didn’t have a lot in common.  It certainly wasn’t personal.  But when I gauged the whole Social Distancing and eventually meeting, she ghosted completely.  So.. ::farts::

Then came this week when a pretty hot girl swiped on me.  She was blonde and  looked a little tougher, but I said, “Cool!” and matched.  Conversation was fine, but not really groundbreaking.  Then, when I showed her off to my Dad, he thought she looked like a Whore, because she didn’t smile in any of her pictures...  I was so pissed at him, but that nickname has certainly stuck.  The Whore and I talked a little more the next day, and we put out a tentative plan to hang out at a bar near me that Friday or Saturday.

That night, while in a band meeting conference call, this other girl swiped on me out of nowhere, and I was blown away!  She’s a brunette, has a beautiful smile, she kind of looks like Allyson Hannigan and already, she just seemed so sweet!  I don’t have a name for her yet, but we’ve been talking, getting along and are starting to bond a little, so we actually have a date already!!  It’s tonight, so I’ve been referring to her as Sunday Girl, lol.  She’s really sweet and I can't wait to meet her.  That’s practically what we’ve been saying all week.  ::fingers crossed::  We’ve both been keeping it cool.

But that’s not all.  I hit a touch of deja vu when that Old Flame with a kid wanted to go on another trail date.  I know better now though.  She’s seeing someone and it’s getting very serious.  This was just a friend thing.  But I’m bringing it up, because on that day she posted some pics of us walking on the trail, and suddenly the Whore unmatched and unfriended me on FB.  I didn’t notice until that night.

Honestly, I’m head over heels for Sunday girl, but I didn’t forget about the Whore.  I let a healthy 2 days of space go by, but that was too much for her.  We already set a plan for later that week.  I was gonna check back on Thursday or something to talk about hanging on Friday or Saturday.  We never clarified the day.  But now that she fucking deaded me, I had a choice to make.

Let her Ghost and just let her win, thinking I wasn’t interested at all, or be a dick about it and show her that she fucked up.  I chose to be a dick.. I was careful, because I honestly didn’t want this date anymore.  I didn’t want to fuck up any potential for Sunday, however I needed to know if it was those Trail Pics.  It turns out it wasn’t.  It turns out that after 2 days of space, she thought I ghosted her.  She said it wouldn’t work out because she needed attention.

What the fuck ever.  I was busy.  I actually have hobbies.  And it’s really funny, because I’m Never the ghoster.  But apparently this time it was.  So there was real role reversal here.

I’m still a nice guy though and told her that if she ever changed her mind, I’d still be down to hang out.  But no.  This is done.

Then came a new contender!  This one matched me on Tinder and calls herself the Real-Life Daria, so we’ve got that nickname covered.  We spoke just a little bit on Friday and everything was positive, but then she just disappeared.  And I’m absolutely fine with that.

This is why they tell people to multi-task and gear up in the dating scene.  Everyone is different, but most people have the attention span of a gnat.  So they’ll either gravitate toward you, or they’ll completely focus on themselves and forget to respond altogether.

It’s a dangerous balancing act though, because things are still going well with Gal Pal.  Needy Girl is also still in the picture.  I haven’t mentioned them at all yet, because by shitty coincidence both of them had Covid scares and quarantined just in case.  In Gal Pal’s situation, she’s also been recovering from having her tonsils removed.

I honestly don’t remember the last time I physically saw her.  We made up since that weird date, and things have absolutely normalized again.  We don’t text every day, and since getting all excited about Sunday Girl, I’ve been pretty quiet.  But Gal Pal has been making the extra effort and she’s been feeling better.  She’s well enough to talk on the phone and wants to start hanging again, which is nice.

We had 2 really good conversations this week, and she continues to surprise me.  We really do get along and have more in common than I think.  So things are really getting interesting now.

But we’re gonna see what happens.

In general, to sum up the crazy dating life, the newest developments were:

* getting ghosted by TinderCat * getting deaded by the Whore  * setting up a date with SundayGirl * randomly talking to RL Daria * Needy Girl quarantining for my safety * Gal Pal recovering/quarantining herself, but texting/calling again.

You might have noticed that I haven’t said too much about my Date tonight. Honestly, it’s because I don’t want to jinx anything.  I don’t want to gush too much, just to tear it all down if things don’t work out tonight.  

But again, what attracted me was certainly her Allyson Hannigan look, she’s into metal, hiking, good beer...  2 of those are kind of common, but the Metal aspect is a specialty.  She’s definitely my kind of person in that regard. But then it turns out she has a cat and we bonded pretty hard about certain things in pet ownership.

She just seems fun and sweet and really likes my attention.  She’s also a hard workin’ woman, which is good, because I’m about to be quite busy myself.

So we’re gonna see!  I’m really excited to meet her.  We’ve been saying that to each other literally all week.  So here’s to tonight.

And the Future, as I start a new job!!

2020 is going to feel very different from here on in.  What’s left of it.

#My Major Turnaround #Employment #Dating #TinderCat #TheWhore #SundayGirl #RL Daria #Needy Girl #Gal Pal #low-key gush #tonight's date

[god-hunter]

When Evolution Takes a Misstep

Hey gang,

This is gonna be a shorter one, because in 3 weeks not too much has changed.  And yet a tone has certainly changed with my Tinder Girl.  [I need a new nickname for her, because I’m bound to meet others on Tinder too.]. I suppose I’ll go with Gal Pal for now.

So first thing is first, Self-Work wise I have now caught up to June of 2020 where all of these dating blogs got really exciting!!!  Rehashing that history in my Diary is going to be very interesting as I go through the Summer, which feels so recent and yet miles away at the same time.

Second thing second, My Job Hunt is driving me crazy.  I’ve only gone on a few more interviews (mostly phone screenings) that haven’t really gone anywhere yet.  But I linked up with some recruiters and one job that I interviewed for a while ago promised I’d hear back on 10/16, which was yesterday. They actually followed through with that and said they got held up and still need to go through more people before they can make a decision.  Just the sheer fact that she reached out to make sure I was in the know felt really good when I saw that e-mail this morning.

Tinder-wise, I swiped on a bunch of people, and one person actually matched me which was exciting for literally a day. Maybe 2.  This person was a Teacher, and we didn’t get much further past the “what do you do?” comments.  She found out that I was hit from the Unemployment Covid layoffs, I talked about the old job a bit and she just... didn’t really get back to me anymore.

[That’s the shitty part about Online Dating.  No one owes you anything and everyone is multi-tasking.  So if someone was hitting her up at the same time and more interesting, she probably just went with that.]. {I was admittedly on my own date with the Gal Pal, when this one hit me up in the first place, so there ya go...}

But speaking of Gal Pal, that’s what this entry is mostly about.

Like I said, I want to keep this one short, so I just want to cut to the chase and say that I fucked up.  We’ve been having a great time on our 6+ dates, or however many it’s been.  I’ve stopped counting.  But as there is no title and things have been casual, I haven’t been playing by any rules.  So while watching movies or shows, I would say things like, “Oh she’s so hot.  She reminds me of my old co-worker.  The things I would do to her!”  Random stuff like that - bringing up past attractions or crushes, just to make conversation like she’s my friend.  Not knowing that this type of thing would or could actually hurt her.

I wasn’t thinking.  But it also worries me, because it makes me feel like she does want to take things more seriously.  Which I definitely don’t want to do.  There’s more layers that are a little more complicated, but the bottom line is that when people find out what you’re all about their gears start to spin.  And the other night, her gears were definitely spinning.  She had a lot of questions for me, but she was too afraid to ask them out of fear that she might piss me off.  And it just got weird, dude...

Yesterday we had a whole talk about it on the phone.  It was a talk full of apologies, explanations and boundary setting.  It’s important. We communicated.  But also, for something casual, now creating rules almost makes this seem like it’s become more serious...  So I don't know.

There’s a flip side to this as well.  I’ve experienced this before in my 20′s, but there’s only so long you can just “have a good time” with someone before they want to take it to the next level with you.

And here’s where I’ll make a final point.  I don’t think this girl is my person. She’s fun and interesting, and for now our goals align. [We just wanna fuck.] But also... we care about each other and there is an underlying friendship aspect to this.  We like watching some shows and have a whole list of movies we want to go through together.  None of that is where the problem lies.

It’s attraction, dude.  I mentioned it before, but this is a bigger girl.  Not as big as my ex, and she definitely aims at eating better all the time, which I think is fantastic.  But still...  if that box isn’t exactly checked for me, then what am I doing in the long run?  After the last time around, I can’t go through another 5 years of, “She’s out of shape, but she’s cool, right??”

So... it’s strange.  I feel like since yesterday’s phone call and the date - the night before, we’re headed for a down turn.  But maybe this talk was just what we needed to set things back on track.  Still though, I don’t want to set a condition of ‘Well if you lose weight, then I can take you seriously.’  Because that’s shallow and fucked up.  And I’m not that person.

But honestly, again... on that date, she asked me a very personal question about how I can get on my worst day.  And it somehow span into a complete vent about unresolved issues with the Ex.  I didn’t know how to answer her.  It was rough and unfair.

She did apologize for it, but it wasn’t cool.  I’m both upset at her and myself for that one.

But in the end, we agreed to keep hanging out, so long as it’s a good time.  Otherwise, if it’s not a good time anymore, there’s no point in doing this.  So...

That’s that, I guess.  This was my misstep.

Despite being Way more ready to date again, than I had been in the Summer, I’ve still got a lot to learn about remaining Cool in the Casual realm of dating. I like to leave no room for error.  But at the same time, I have to expect pushback when people just can’t accept, “Well I want to keep dating and meeting new people for the rest of the year, and just seeing where life takes me.”

Maybe that’s a cool thing to hear on your first date.  But after a few, it probably makes your partner feel like shit.  No matter how casual your arrangement is.

#When Evolution Takes a Misstep #Dating #Relationships #Tinder #Gal Pal #boundary setting #The Ex

[god-hunter]

I’m Still Evolving. And I like it!

Hey Tumblr!  It’s been a while.

I haven’t written in over a month, because honestly life’s been pretty similar lately.  I’ve fallen into a steady routine of taking care of myself.  Physical work outs have waned in place of working out mentally.  And what I mean by that is, I’ve been continuing my Self-Work with my Diary Entries and just recently caught up to 2019.  That was a Hell of a trip.

But I didn’t get on here to rant about that.  Instead, I wanted to acknowledge the now, since for the past few weeks, it seems like all I’ve been doing is living in the past.

So, what’s been happening since mid-August, or whenever that last entry was?

Well, that date with the Social Distancer never happened.  I was annoyed about that, but not enough to want to actually get into it on here.  I didn’t really care too much and I still had Needy Girl coming over every week, so that was fine.

But yeah.  In the time that I’ve been taking down my notes and taking my time to write out 2018, taking some healthy time in between and then doing the same process for 2019, I’ve basically been applying to jobs!

That Thursday Interview was garbage, actually.  I was there for 5 minutes, because I didn't really know much about Excel and asked for too much.  But whatever, no point in wasting anyone’s time.  I wasn’t in love with the job description anyway.

I’ve been applying to all sorts of things, and honestly I’ve gone through the motions.  Some days are better than others.  Sometimes it seems like jobs are plentiful and it’s so easy to get an interview.  Then other times it seems like the competition is just as steep as it ever was, and I’ve even gotten to the point where I’m not getting the jobs I Don’t want.  So put that where you will...

But for now I don’t care about any of that, because I’m on an Upswing. I know that I’ll keep plugging away and find something eventually.  Also, now that I’ve gotten a lot of that Self-Work out of the way, I really do feel Mentally, better.  I’ve sort of, cleared the air for myself about the past.  I’ve been honest with myself about my own mistakes, and.. I don’t want to say unforgiving of her errors, but definitely acknowledging them and kind of letting them go.  Because now so much time has passed that the break up was actually 7 months ago!  I stopped counting.  That’s a Really good sign!!

I hit a drought when it came to ladies, but that recently opened itself back up. Someone actually swiped right on me on Tinder 3 weeks ago!!!  This was a bigger girl, and not an immediate pick for me, but I said, “Why not?”  And ya know what?  It was a good choice.  We’ve gone on 3 dates since then and we have a 4th one tonight.  It turns out that we have more in common than I originally thought.  She’s interesting, and for now it seems that we’re both in the same place about this.  We want to keep it casual and just fun, while the rest of the world sucks.

Better details would be that we talked about 3 times on the app, about just movies and random interests.  But then she threw me her number to keep texting while she had an overnight shift at work, and I dunno..  something just worked while we kept talking.  Conversation was actually interesting and we agreed to have our first Zoom Date later that week.

That Zoom Date happened to be on a Thursday as well, when I took a great interview.  I was there for an hour!  This office building was impressive and a little intimidating.  It was your typical movie scene with glass dividers between desk set ups, I was in this nice conference room surrounded by glass at the head of the table, while my interviewer was a Woman that was basically my age, at the other end of the table.  But there’s no point in going into more details, because I didn’t get it.  I did like this job position though.  It was for a Client Coordinator and I would definitely like to do something like that in the future.  Especially for the right pay. But anyway, it’s needless to say that I had something to talk about that night on the Zoom Date!  So I broke the ice by talking all about the interview and we laughed about stuff.  She was clearly very nervous, but I got to see her Cat, she saw mine.  She did the inevitable Zoom Tour of the apartment.  I didn’t really do one, because my place was a mess, but she didn’t ask either.  It didn’t matter, because everything else was going very well.  We got more comfortable as we brought things up and found out that we both like a lot of in-depth reviews on YouTube or just watching Let’s Plays or Video Game reviews.  We even got into Dream Analysis and she talked about some real stuff without getting depressing.  We’re definitely on the same liberal scope, which is refreshing.  But she’s also not overtly political. We even talked about past hook ups gone wrong (started by her, not me) which is more of a friend thing, but still the conversation was very comfortable.  We stayed up pretty late that night, but eventually said goodnight.  We both knew we’d definitely do this in person which ended up the next week.  The Zoom Date helped us skip steps.  We didn’t meet for dinner or anything.  Instead, we just took it straight to her place for Sushi and a YouTube party.  We made out at the very end of the night.  That was nice.  She appreciated that I didn’t just go all in right away, but took time to actually hang out with her first.  [That Sushi was delicious by the way.] Oh yeah, we’re into the same music which is SUCH a huge plus to me. Yeah..  we definitely have a little spark, which is nice.  But after what I’ve been through.  I really can’t jump into something so fast.  And she is in full agreement with that too.

Our next in person date was at my place, where we basically did the same thing over Chinese.  It was some YouTube reviews and watching this Comedy Challenge show that I’ve been telling her about since we started talking.  She really loved it, so that was nice.  We shared fruit and chocolate dip too, which was great.  I like that she’s trying to behave (and frankly doing better than me) when it comes to eating, because health has become very important to me within the last 2 or 3 years. 

Take tonight for instance.  We’re going to have a big salad and charcuterie for dinner. (fancy cheese and meat plate) with wine.  She also told me about this trippy movie that I saw last night on her suggestion and we’re looking forward to diving into the meaning of it and stuff.  That’s the type of stuff that I’m really all about. Philosophical Musing and all of that. Oh yeah!  She respects the Hell out of my Self-Work writing that I’ve told her about.  At very first, she just admitted that she wished she wrote more, but the fact that she was a writer means that she still has it in her.  She’s a thinker, and I like my Women who can be analytical about their Media or the World.  It’s important. It’s interesting.

Just don’t over-analyze me, or us, or anything. (At least within reason).

So who knows?  So far, so good.

There was more to say until yesterday, but I’ll bring this girl up too. An old Highschool Flame actually hit me up on FB.  To keep the story way uncomplicated, we’ve basically known each other for 20 years, she’s an adjusted Single Mom now, so it’s clear she’s been through some shit, and I’ve clearly been through my own. So somehow on FB, we’ve been complimenting each other and I was the first to just message her a hello, which turned into walking on a trail and meeting her son very quickly.

I was tempted to write that day, but I wanted to see how it played out first.  Well, that day not only did I get along great with the kid, but she whispered in his ear and he invited me to Pizza Lunch with them, which was adorable.  He really liked me, actually sat in my lap and hugged me at the table..  It was sweet.

But we tried this again, just the 2 of us yesterday on a 2nd trail walk, and it was a no go.  I’m skipping her random FB message saying, “This is gonna sound weird, but thank you for being the kind of male I can have around my son.” Hmmm.  If I didn’t catch a vibe before, I certainly did, then.

But I was super cool about it.  Set up a Friday hang out in time, and I was pleased to hear that it would just be us while her son was in school.  This was the perfect time to feel the vibe and find out if this was just a friend thing or actually a date.

But again, I’ll keep it short.  It was just a Friend Thing.  I noticed 2 things.   1.  She sighed when I said, “I swear, the weather is always like this when I go on a date.”  She didn’t say anything, but that sigh, practically said it all. 2.  She brought up other dudes.  

From there, I admitted that I’ve been dating too, and she was all excited to hear about my stuff.

Then later, I brought up her message and said I wasn’t sure if there was a vibe or not.  She didn’t say no, but... she did make it clear that things were getting serious with this one co-worker she was dating or whatever.  And then she was back-pedaling and saying stuff like, “Wait.  Let me just make sure it’s not getting weird.”

So yeah.  This was just friends.  And that’s fine, because she’s awesome!  And so is her kid.  And I’ve already got this casual thing that I like a lot.

I was upfront with old flame.  I told her that I want to keep dating for the rest of the year.  Keep meeting people and experiencing new personalities.  And if things get serious along the way, sort them out as I may.

Our hang got cut off while she dove more into my old hang ups.  [Someone told us to get out of the parking lot because it was private property...]. But either way, it was still a very fruitful hangout.  And even though the rejection was disappointing, it wasn’t necessarily unexpected.  Honestly, it would’ve been too out-of-nowhere, and even Reboundish.  I’ve learned that if it feels too good to be true, it probably is.

But this is what it’s about!  Keeping your eyes and heart open.  I swiped on a bunch of people last night with no expectations.  [When you treat it like a game, you’re less bound to get hurt.]. That one doesn’t merit explaining, but I just can’t stand how shallow and callous people are.  So what’s the point in being invested at first look?  Just swipe and see what happens.  If you get the message, then you can start to feel things once they check those right boxes. But in order to find success in that, you gotta know what those boxes even are, right?

So anyway, yeah.  I’m a lot more pragmatic about things. I’ve got a Tinder Girl now and things are going well. =)

I’m also still hanging out with Needy Girl, who I’m working on making less Needy.  She really needs to sort out her shit and move on.

We had a whole talk about how she’s been mistaking hooking up for dating and I feel bad for her in a way, but there’s just something about her that doesn’t check all the boxes.  Attraction is definitely part of it, but it’s mostly personality. She’s just not confident in herself enough.  She’s hurt and super sensitive.  She’s got this shy, cute, naive thing going for her on top of all of our shared interests.  But that’s not enough.  Especially with how she started things with me, making me the Other Man, and throwing in this Cheating Atmosphere.

I said it before, but that is not a good Foundation for a Relationship.

And again I’ve reiterated for her that I don’t really want a Relationship right now.  At all!

So, Communication is Key.  I’ve said it before with the Ex and even though she was in full agreement, somehow we let enough small things go that they turned into big things.  Stuff that was swept under the rug became huge Resentment Issues later.  So, fuck knows, man...

Alls I know is that things are very different now.  And I like it that way. I’m still Evolving.

#rants #raves #life #job-hunting #dating #relationships #Social Distancer #Tinder Girl #old Flame #Needy Girl

[god-hunter]

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[god-hunter]

Focusing on my Past & my Future for the Present

I’m back to where I was 2 rants ago, almost.  I’m happier and Owning my Awesome again.  But not much has changed.  Perhaps I’ve healed a bit.  I dunno.  Doing this Self Work has given me some clarity. It’s almost my own form of closure at what the fuck has happened in the last 5 years.  Cataloging this very same blog, with a neat and tidy Rant section has also been interesting and insightful.  I was a very different person in 2015 and 2016.

2017 was when some major changes occurred when we were living together, but I was already unhappy and unsatisfied with too many things in the relationship.  And whenever I received outside attention that was in my favor... I took what I could get.  They were online interactions, so I didn’t think much of them.  She would be asleep in the other room, or inattentive romantically by 2018.  We were already in a bad place.  And I’ve already known for a while that on August 11th of 2018, I already felt like it was the Unofficial End of us.  Everything else was us holding on to whatever we had and trying to make it work.  Except... we never did the work.  I’m partially to blame for that.  It wasn’t worth it to me...

How on Earth we let a whole other year go in 2019 is beyond me.  I truly have no idea.  That’s gonna be an interesting one to analyze.

Like I said, I’ve been doing the Self-Work these past 2 weeks.  The process is proving to take longer than I expected, but it’s far more rewarding in the end than it is chorish or taxing.  Even though it’s literal work, sitting, analyzing and writing my life out on the page, there’s something to it that’s really therapeutic.  And as I stated at the beginning it just gives me Clarity.

So now I’m not as mopey. I turn the TV on again for fun and I’ve even worked on music again for fun too.  And of course I’m applying.  In fact, that’s mostly the purpose of this rant.  I got an Interview on Thursday and a Date on Friday!

The beauty of these rants is that sometimes, I have no idea what I’m gonna say.  I wasn’t expecting to just blurt out a summary of my last relationship.  But that’s good.  I need to get it out and Own it.

But I also wanted to mix in my Dating Life with my Applying Life, because in fact, one does somewhat tie-in to the other.  You might consider this scarcity mindset, but last Tuesday I stopped giving a fuck and just hit up Goth Mom again.  I threw a random “How’s it going” to her, and she actually gave it a shot. I do remember still panicking when it took a while though.

But it was a pretty good talk.  I told her about a new job opportunity that I had to turn down because the pay wasn’t enough for the work they’d be asking.  It would’ve been an Overnight Warehouse position for 12 hour shifts for $16 an hour.  They paid weekly.  At first this sounded promising, but when I factored in Rent and Benefits/Tax Deductions, not at all, dude. I also cleared the air about certain statuses on FB that seemed Passive Aggressive towards her.  One of them was actually about the Bailer, to which I told her all about that story and she cracked up.  She even went so far as to say, “No one deserves that kind of wtf in their life,” which I thought was pretty cool.

I want to say we’re friends, but since then I tried saying hey again, just yesterday and I literally got one thing from her hours later.  She asked how my cat was.  [He recently got neutered].  When she didn’t respond back to that at all, now I’m questioning the entire whatever this is again.  I certainly can’t call it a relationship.  And now I don’t even think it’s a friendship.

The reality is hitting me that she doesn’t know what she wants.  At all.  I even broached the subject of what happened in June without pressuring her for an answer.  I just told her that I’ve been confused since our last encounter and don’t know what she needs or wants, but if she wanted to focus on our friendship first, I was completely game.  This was risky, because it might’ve put me in eternal friendzone, but frankly, I was probably there already.

She just said that we were both lost in that regard, she excused herself to go to bed since she had to be up at 5 and then she told me chin up with a smiley face.

Don’t know what the fuck that means, but I kinda thought it was a green light to keep talking in the future.  Well...  Since then, my little plan was to hit her up when she was off on Monday, and I did.  Now I have my answer.  Even on her day off, this bitch don’t give a FUCK about getting back to me, like she used to. That’s my Closure.  She’s not worth pursuing.

To give myself some peace of mind, I tried the same thing with the Bailer the day before.  On a Sunday, I had known she was off, and did the same exact thing.  I just texted her a “Hello”, and we actually had a little conversation.  This was mostly about jobs, as that’s all I have to talk about.  I’ve been applying left and right and I had an interview set up for Tuesday that I wasn’t looking forward to.

She asked why, I explained that it felt like a scam, and it was a decent conversation where I actually got advice from her, where I wasn’t expecting anything. Comparitively, the Bailer is much more friendly than Goth Mom now, although, she’s still an idiot.  And it’s not like I can just throw her a normal text and expect an answer back.

We talked a little on Monday, because I was bored and kind of don’t give a fuck.  And that is exactly the right attitude to have with her.  We eventually kept it going until there was a storm last night and my phone died.

This morning I updated her about that stupid interview that I wasn’t excited about.  It absolutely was a scam and thankfully I didn’t even need to go on the interview.  The Recruiter called me half an hour beforehand to ask if I was all set, and I backed out right there saying that this was a Sales job that paid $11 an hour and I wasn’t interested in that at all.  She tried to sell me on the idea that all the extra substantial income is commission-based and I just hung up on her saying I wasn’t interested.  I’m proud of that.  I have a no button.

And theeeeen, an hour later a different employer contacted me for a job I’m actually interested in!  No idea if I’m gonna get it, but I actually applied to this one and took their little aptitude test on Indeed.  The fact that they are interested in me has me really excited, honestly.  These guys pay $14-18 an hour, so I REALLY gotta push for that 18, which is gonna be a hard sell since I don’t have much experience in this field.  But one thing in my favor is that the employer actually recognizes my name from my last job.  We actually worked together!!  So who the fuck knows!!  Maybe Nepitism will work in my favor!  Train me, bitches!!!

On a final note, I need to bring up the Social Distancer.  About 2 weeks ago, I had actually tried to vent to her about Goth Mom or The Bailer and she didn’t want to hear it at all.  She REFUSED to be Friendzoned and basically said as much.  She just kind of threw me off with a, “...is that why we’re not dating??”  and it really surprised me.  After all this time of not talking, she was still interested???

We stopped talking because, not for nothing dude, but she boring.  Back in March, I asked her out on a date and she said let’s do dinner when all of this is over.  Fast forward to now, the World is broken, but outdoor dining is back.  So it’s as “over” as it’s gonna get, I think.  Especially with me possibly going back to work soon.

So now is the time as ever to get that dinner on.  And as we discussed this, she was really open about how it might not be a good idea.  We both want different things.  I was open too.  Not trying to convince her any other way.  But when we talked about it yesterday, something just clicked.  I was so accepting of her rejection and unfazed that she changed her mind.  She said, “Ya know what? It’ll be fun.”

I don’t want to be the “Maybe Date”.  But in fairness, that’s what she is to me too.  I’m keeping this super simple.  I just want to have a good time.  Then see if there’s actually anything there.  She wants something serious yesterday and I don’t want something serious tomorrow.  That’s where her fear lies.  I get it.

Not unlike Needy Girl, we’re in different places, but Needy Girl and I have an arrangement.  Distancer would not be into just hooking up at all.  But I need to go on dates.  And who knows?  Maybe I’ll see something I haven’t online, or have such a good time, I just NEED to see her again.  I dunno.

But it’s nice to be wanted.  It’s nice to text someone who will IMMEDIATELY text you back.  But also isn’t needy and sad when you don’t write back to her right away.

Here’s something though.  She doesn’t have any hobbies yo.  Except TV. That’s the Ex, take 2.  And I’m not interested in that.

But she’s not a carbon copy.  She’s very different.  Friday’s gonna be interesting.

Thursday is gonna be interesting!  That’s the interview.

Monday and Today I’ve been plugging away at my Diary Entries for my Self-Work.  I’ve caught up to 2017 now, and this is really good for me, because that’s when I recall things really going downhill.  But in reality, they were already on a bit of a downturn in 2016.

So this is good stuff, man.  Knowing myself. Owning, myself.  And not feeling so mopey when I’m alone.  I’ve said it before, but when you take on a new relationship, you take on other people’s problems.  And that’s why it’s so important to give yourself time after a major relationship ends.  Because you need to get used to your new changes and accept them!  That’s the most important part.  That last one.  I accept the fact that I live alone.  I like it here.  I love my little cat..  I love having all this time to myself.  But this Quarancation has been anything but normal.  Better days and Worse days, right?

And I should apologize for referring to it as a Party in the last entry.  It’s been anything, but.

These days, I’m basically applying to jobs or writing in my Diary.  Then after I’ve hit a certain goal, I treat myself to either Anime or I work on a Music Project.  Now that’s work too, for my band, but it’s fun work.  I’ve also been walking again.  Not putting on the cardio videos yet, but I’ve been missing them.  Chores are important too.  I’ve been better at keeping up with them.  I’m even eating salads again.

I always know I’m doing better when I stick to my rules. But yeah, I’m really looking forward to that date on Friday.  The food is gonna be delicious, and hopefully the company will be great.  We both already know that we’ve had a vibe for a couple of years, so..  things might be easier.  Who knows?

#Life #Reality #Dating #Relationships #The Ex #The Relationship #what happened #Self Work #Applying #Talking #Goth Mom #The Bailer #Social Distancer

[god-hunter]

Party’s Over

Sorta...

I was depressed for a whole week after that last bout of 2 flakes in a row from The Bailer.  I legit wanted to do nothing all week. Not even put on fun stuff to watch.  That’s not like me.  I wasn’t owning my Awesome.  I wasn’t feeling Awesome at all...

Needy Girl has been there for me on FB and she’s come over here and there.  We’re working on a Puzzle now as sort of a time-passer, OT sort of thing...  And we do bang, but it’s different.  I think she understands that I’m in a place right now and that I’m really hurt.

What’s crazier is that I’m more annoyed than anything about The Bailer, but what’s really hurting me still is all that stuff that happened with the Goth Mom, which was over a Month ago at this point!  I’ve been Emotionally Flip Flopping.  Back and Forth between I Deserve Better, and What the Hell Happened?

And if that wasn’t enough...  the Federal Help of the extra $600 a week ran out this weekend..  Today was my first day of claiming Normal Unemployment and it’s trash.  I can not live on that alone.  I knew this day was coming, but I thought I had more time...  I knew Unemployment was ending in September.  I didn’t know Federal Aid would end in July...

So I tried getting my act together by applying to a bunch of places.  I know better than to get excited when I hear my application was viewed twice or even 3 times. [Thanks Ziprecruiter..]. They were responsible for my last job, and I’m grateful, but now I have to be picky.  I won’t be able to afford Rent or COBRA on what they used to pay me.  Even if my old job took me back and COBRA went away, I’d still barely be making Rent. I have a bunch in savings, so I won’t have to worry about starving for a while.  Still.  I don’t want to slowly deplete them for the rest of the year.  And the next job I want to be worth while.

This time really sucks.  Gone is the working out for fun to pass the time.  Gone are the video games.  Gone is the entertainment...  I still have all day for any of these things, but my responsibility to building a sustainable life for myself is more important right now.  I can’t apply all day.  Sometimes not even an hour a day.  Other times, I can look for 2-3 hours.  It really depends on my motivation and how desperate, panicked or maybe even delusionally confident I’m getting.

I’ve also been doing a lot of Self Work and realizing that I’m not so perfect.  I’m a Catch and the World should fucking know it.  But at the same time... these 2 girls hurt me so bad over not wanting to see me.  And I shouldn’t be that hurt by it, even if they are no good cunts.  I don’t want to write them off yet.  But I have to be High Value.  I can’t keep chasing them.  If they want to talk to me, they gotta talk to me.

Goth Mom stopped talking to me, because she’s got to work on herself.  I made the smallest effort to compliment her new tattoo on Social Media and then sent her a random link to a video the next day.  We had a tiny conversation that fizzled out almost immediately.  I took that as a hint that she wasn’t interested in me anymore.  Meanwhile, I get insider information that her responding at all was her trying again.  Well...?  She wasn't Actually talking at all!  The extent of her conversation was, “I’m at my Aunt’s right now. Little man is with my Dad.”  Oh cool, man.  I told her that it’s good that she gets a break to do her for a little while, and she said Noooooooothhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.  So what the fuck am I supposed to do with that?  Message weekly or in 2 weeks to check up?  It’s Her fucking turn, man.

Same goes for The Bailer.  I gave her a whole fucking week, because she Fucked Up.  I didn’t try at all.  And then she actually did reach out, while I was doing some Self Work, which I’ll explain in a second.  Even under no pressure, this girl takes 10 minutes to respond to every text, because she wants to thoughtfully think out and calculate every move and word...  And after a few interactions, she continues to leave me hanging.  So I’m done, dude.

Again, it’s her turn.  The latest development is her mentioning how stressed she is that her best friend is hurting and that she can’t be there for her in person since they live far away.  I mentioned something about her being able to vent to me whenever she wanted and that I’m a good listener.  I got nothing in return. So what the fuck ever, dude.

As for the Self-Work...  I used to keep a Diary since I was a kid.  I kept up with it, honestly until my last relationship.  Obviously not every day, or not even every year.  But during important eras and chapters, I would keep up with it.

Well... I missed out on a very important chapter and decided that it’s high time to catch up on it.  So this Self Work is interesting.

While I still have time in this Pandemic, and while I’m not feeling so hot about all the impending changes, I decided that I’m gonna take on this project.  I’ll update everything year by year, from the 5 year relationship.  Learn and Remember how things used to be, how much things have changed, and maybe I can pinpoint what went wrong in the relationship, and identify what I will and will not stand for in the future.  And maybe even, how I can better myself for the next girl.

For now, for sure, I know that when meeting someone Completely New, I need to just be upfront.  I don’t want a relationship.  But I don’t want to fuck around.  I want to see where it goes.  It just needs to be slow and steady.  Not head first, lightning fast.  Which is exactly what Needy Girl wants. Her shit isn’t even together, but I feel like I’m already in a Relationship with her.  And that is a Red Flag.

When my Life changes, maybe I can look at that differently.  But I need to get out of the Scarcity Mindset. Again, Tinder is doing nothing for me, but showing me beautiful Women that don’t swipe right in return.

One friend reminded me that this is a scary time where people aren’t acting normal.  Anxiety is through the roof with people that never had it.  So for the people that Do, not unlike myself, I should give them a little more credit.  A lot of people aren't really in the dating mindset right now.

And again, that really fucking sucks.  But I too, need to slow it down and just focus on myself.  It’s the hardest thing to be happy when nothing is going on.  And I don’t want to settle with a FuckBuddy.  I really don’t...

So that’s what I need to work on.

I need to find my new normal with a better job now.  And that’s going to hurt me at first, but hopefully propel me into a better mindset in the future.  Maybe I’ll even meet a new girl at work or something.  Who the fuck knows...?

The Future isn’t written yet, but before I completely move forward, I still want to know if the door fully closed on that Goth Mom.  We barely started to create something that one night.  And despite all her baggage with a kid and shitty ex that won’t go away...  For some reason I still think it’s worth a shot.  But is it just the idea of her that I’m into??  I just want an honest shot at getting to know her better.  But she won’t let me in!  And I can’t force it or pry that open.  So that’s what sucks.  She’s a fucking Quitter on herself.  And maybe that’s what she needs to work on.

But that’s what got me thinking, that now our needs have kind of aligned.  I realized that I need to work on myself too.  Which brings me right back to when we stopped talking in the first place.  Are we not friends??  Can we not talk about the things we’re working on about ourselves with each other???

Maybe that’s what we both need?  And maybe we could build from there.  But for now, I just don’t know.  And the more these days go by, the less and less I think it’s worth it.

#Party's Over #Pandemic #Unemployment #Life Changes #Dating #Relationships #Self Help

[god-hunter]

FUCK THIS!!

I’ve been talking to that new contact all week, but she didn’t pass the 5 day test.  In fact, she royally fucked up, twice. Twice we made date plans, and twice she Bailed on me.  So that’s what we’re calling this one..  The Bailer!

FUCK, man.

The story isn’t over, and in fact is ongoing, but expectations have cooled waaaaaaaay down since the introduction.  Our mutual friend made it sound like she was so excited to text me and get to know me, and that this was really happening.  That she wanted to go on a date soon..

NOOOO.  She didn’t want any of that!!!  She’s been panicking all week, while I’ve been nice and attentive to her.

We like talking, she finds me genuinely sweet and nice to talk to.  She wants to keep that up.  So that’s all a good sign.. We bonded on bad long-term relationships and she was upfront about her healing process.  We both have Anxiety, so that’s actually an attractor believe it or not.  But this is the downside of that.  BAILING on plans that SHE made!!!!!

So what happened...

Well, I texted this girl on a Monday night, and we definitely bonded overnight.  A cordial weird small-talk over text quickly elevated into medium talk and actually enjoying each other’s stories or empathizing with one-another as we have a decent bit in common.

She likes Cats & Metal, which are huge plusses.  But I’m not in the mood to gush.  I’m really annoyed that she got in her own way.

On Night 3, we had a borderline argument about Harry Potter, which was interesting, but I chalked it up to her being cranky and overtired.  We had already set up a date by that point I think for Friday.

It was supposed to be coffee. Period.

Well, the day of, she tells me that a good friend that she hasn’t seen in over a year wanted to see her.  And could she see her then, and reschedule our date to later in the day...

I should’ve just said see her afterwards, but that’s kind of a dick move.

So she tells me “4ish?”  and that’s fine.  Only... the coffee place closes at 3:30, and rather than look for ANY OTHER COFFEE/Diner, she suggested ice cream and a walk.  I didn’t want ice cream, but just a walk. [I didn’t want to get my beard all sloppy on a first date...]

So we agreed to a walk and talk in a park.  I looked for something thoughtful and nice, but all the good parks were closing at 3:30/4.. 5...   And I was thinking that this sucks!  We’re gonna meet around 4ish? Which means maybe half an hour tops at any of these really nice places??  

But then I found this one place that seemed to be open until 9, so I thought that was cool.  And there were plenty of decent restaurants nearby.  I was hoping we could turn it into dinner or a snack afterwards if we wanted to keep the party going.

But nope...  This bitch got in her own head.

She watches a LOT of Murder Documentaries and reads a lot of articles on Redditt to her own dismay, because when I showed her this park and the type of trail it was, she was immediately triggered by the overabundance of Woods in the area...

You have GOT to be kidding me.  This girl thought I was going to Murder her!!!!

She fucked up.

She admitted this in text, but I was broken up. Insulted and put out. I tried to rectify this date and say forget the trail.

She opened up that she should’ve been more vocal about the ice cream thing at this one place, where there’s a simple pond.  But nope.

She completely fucked up.

I told her let’s not chalk this up to bad planning and lose out on a potentially good thing.  [Which is not unlike what I said to Goth Mom...] It isn’t good man.  I’m really fucking disappointed.

Out of pressure apparently she asked to do coffee at the same time, same place tomorrow.  Which would have been today.

But guess whaaaaaat?  She didn’t really want to do that... So after a courtesy Good morning text and finagling something positive about the weather and how it’s a better day to hang out... she somehow talked herself out of it.

THIS IS A HUGE RED FLAG.  And I should not ignore this.

It became very apparent that she was about to bail on me, when she kept talking about this other friend that was pressuring her to go to Vineyards, which has been an ongoing conversation all week.  She mentioned that she just wanted to shut herself in her room with the drapes down and be in her safe space.

After saying that she’s gotta do her and that I was gonna leave her be, I realized that it sounded like I was okay with the idea that we wouldn’t be meeting for coffee.

So after she mentioned appreciating that and feeling all this pressure from our mutual friend to hang out, I was like, “Wait a minute.  This girl’s about to bail!”

And then she fucking did.

And I’m really really annoyed.  That’s TWICE that she’s disrespected my time and effort.  It was mostly the mutual friend’s fault.  

She was bombarding her with texts and date plans, just as she was doing to me.  She was trying to help, but she really only hurt the situation.

I’m so fucking annoyed.

The only positive out of this, is that now I’m on the same page with the Bailer.  She wants to keep talking, but she wants to take it very slow.  She wants to be friends first and really get to know who she’s dating...

I think it absolutely sucks.

I know that I’m not ready for a relationship tomorrow.  But I’d like something a little faster than that.  Just fool around with me a little while you’re getting to know me...

But what the fuck, ever.

I literally tried with thoughtful plans, TWICE.  And she said yes, then denied both of them.

Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.

The ball is completely in her court.  I’m not trying any more.

She will initiate the texts and I will keep them going.

And when this fizzles...  I will remember exactly how I felt today and know..  

She fucked up.

FUCK THIS!!

#dating #relationships #The Bailer #FUCK THIS!!

[god-hunter]

Cloud Cover. 

You can get this GIF as a phone wallpaper for free through the Zedge app.

You can also get this GIF as a looping 1080p video if you support me on Patreon.

Twitter / Instagram / Shop / Gumroad / Patreon / Zedge

[god-hunter]

Spider-Gwen by Jason Alexdaner *

[god-hunter]

Visit the Protostore

[god-hunter]

Owning My Awesome

It’s been over a week since we basically stopped talking.  2 weeks since the post-lust downfall.  It was her own undoing.  I did nothing wrong.  And it makes no sense.  But I have to keep reminding myself that.  It makes moving on easier.

In the past week I have been able to soldier on.  Thinking about the lust-filled night just upsets me now.  I don’t get wistful or mopey.  I feel resentful and cheated.  Like legit, everything we were just setting up, any trust that was about to begin... didn’t even matter.  I used to not be able to trust the 2nd good date.  Now I can’t even trust the 3rd date that actually goes somewhere.

However, I’ve been doing me, man...  There’s not much to say here, this time.  My Daily Cardio continues, which has been really therapeutic for the Anxiety.  I’ve been playing more video games than usual, because I need the escape, but they’ve been enjoyable.  I’m working on Red Dead 2, lately.  My music and writing projects still remain, and I always feel better every time I accomplish something new in that regard.  Apartment maintenance could be better, but I’m less reluctant to do chores again, so that’s a good sign.

But you want to hear about dates, don’t you?

Well, Needy Girl hits me up all the time, and we’ve definitely fucked again since my downfall.  She knows all about it, and has helped me through some of that.  She’s really a fantastic person.  I just don’t want to break her heart in the end, if she’s not the one for me in the end.  We’re good friends with benefits, but she also understands that I need to keep dating and meeting new people.  I actually shared with her my fear that she’s ready to get into something serious with me right away, and she actually conceded that she’ll need some of her own time after her break up is truly finalized, so-to-speak.  So that makes me feel good.  That we’re communicating about that and remain on the same page.  That we just enjoy each other’s company.  And we keep it simple, since we both got out of something serious.  Her way more recently than me.

In that regard, it’s officially been 5 months since my Liberation, and I couldn’t feel better about that decision. I truly was suffering and losing myself.  We didn’t communicate or respect each other enough through our arguments, and her constant nagging...  Fuck all of that.

I wish Goth Mom would just talk to me.  But she herself, is not ready to do that. She probably has a hard time telling herself what happened.  Or she’s martyring herself in the fact that she’s got so much baggage that she doesn’t want to burden me with it. My thing is...  Shouldn’t that be my choice???

But fuck it.  We’ve spoken since then.  Complete Social Media surface level complimenting her new tattoo.  I got a thank you and a smiley and felt so dumb.  Like, this is what I’ve been reduced to...  I made another attempt the next day which was risky and she actually bit.  I gave her a link to a review on YouTube that might interest her.  Rather than ignore it she said “Oh cool, thanks.  How have you been?” And the conversation almost fizzled out right away.

So maybe it was that night, that I just mentally had enough.  If she really wanted to talk to me, the entire week she was on vacation, or that night when I finally reached out... she would have.

So fuck that.  My Self-Respect has taken over.  She was a gorgeous piece of ass, but we never bonded enough for me to get mopey about her.  I can’t say she was the perfect one for me, because there’s still so much I don’t know about her.  But God Damn she was hot, and she actually liked me.  [Or did she...?  Was she just being nice...???]

Doesn’t matter anymore.

As my own confidence was rebuilding, I got an unexpected text from a former co-worker of mine.  She told me that she knows another girl that would be interested in meeting me!  The news came at the best time.

She showed me some pictures, and she’s definitely pretty.  They were at a family gathering and she saw some pictures of me.  I can only assume that there was talk of being single and looking, so she just decided to show me off, lol.  So who knows, haha.  I have her number and I’ve been given the green light to text her.  Suddenly I feel back to normal.  Now that there’s a new game in town, I almost feel a sense of purpose.

And it shouldn’t be that way.  I should feel that way all the time, even when things are boring and there isn’t a girl in sight to talk to.  But whatever.  I’ve been doing the Tinder thing and I’ve been making my attempts on the 2 online dating sites I’m on.  That will continue.  It’s work and it sucks.  And so far, it doesn’t work.  But... I dunno.  I guess I’m getting better at it.

But the fact that I have multiple friends pulling for me, and introducing me to people is great.  The resources run out.  But this one really surprised me.

As a final aside, that same contact texted me with another surprise yesterday.  She found a Kitty underneath her shed and it needed a home!  My Dad had wanted a new cat since I got mine. When Mom died, he needed one...  Nothing worked out, until this very moment.  I was even hanging out with Needy Girl at the time.  So rather than hook up, we had a full day of rescuing this cat, delivering it to my Father, and then buying new supplies for the house to be as kitten ready as possible.

That’s the perfect place to end this for now.  I’m living my life and owning my Awesome.  Time will tell if something better comes along, but for now I have to realize that things are already pretty damn good.  So I’m just gonna try to enjoy it.

#Owning My Awesome #Goth Mom #Needy Girl #moving on #Self-Respect #Positivity #healing #doing me

[god-hunter]

Too Good to be True

Well, I’ve been waiting to see how things would play out a little bit, but this week wasn’t really great with Goth Mom at all.  In fact, it feels like things completely sunk... I hate it, but it’s true.  And I have to make my peace with it.

Last Friday we had the time of our lives, enjoying a movie, Chinese Food, chilling with my cat.. just enjoying each other’s company.  And then our hands met.. and after a little bit of talking and more open honesty, we kissed.  And it was great...  So fucking great that we moved it into the bedroom and it got absolutely Wild!

And even though we couldn’t have Sex, since she was on her period... I was more than happy to comply and just enjoy her.  We did literally everything else...  Kissing, touching, sucking..  God, it was so amazing.  It was such a rich amount of Lust-filled Chemistry that I haven’t felt in a Long While.

But somehow... 2 days later, she got in her head.  She admitted to me that she was embarrassed about the other night...  We let it go, but I noticed that the texts were slipping.  She was also sick with Vertigo, so that certainly didn’t help. I gave her, her space.  But even then, after she felt better things were different. I feel like she did a lot of thinking or soul searching and scared herself, or something.

When I put it out there asking when could I see her again, she actually suggested the next day, but as we were making the plans that night she was already starting to draw back on it when she found out it would be raining.  Instead, she left it up in the air saying that we’d figure it out.  [Which is my favorite line for, ‘I don’t know. I’m indifferent’.] She didn’t want to come over again...  That made me sad.

The next day, when we came upon the hour of maybe hanging out or not, she confirmed that we wouldn’t see each other that night. Instead she had cleaning and stuff to get done around the house...  [Yeah, uh huh...] Within the rejection response, I just asked at the end, “Hang Friday, maybe?”

Nothing.

The next day she finally left some sort of, “Hey sorry, I haven’t been texting...” and admitted that she got in her head since we opened up about our Mental Health on that 3rd date.  She realized just how messed up she really is.  And it made her retreat into herself, which is unfair to me.  She apologized and said that she has a lot to work on.

So, what the Hell am I supposed to do with that??

Well, I don’t want to make this Rant more convoluted than it needs to be, but let me tell you what I was doing at that time... In an attempt to move on and protect myself from the ultimate rejection, I decided to Friend that 3rd girl I briefly mentioned from the last entry.  My friend’s wanted us to meet because she’s going to be my Wedding Partner.  So that’s exactly what I’ll call her for now, if I ever need to refer to her again. So.. that day, when Wedding Partner & I had spoken on Facebook, she threw it out there that we should all visit her again that night while she was working.

With nothing else to do, I threw it out there to my gal pal and when she was ready, we went ahead and did that. So basically, While I’m enroute to this bar to have a good time and try to bond with Wedding Partner a little bit... that’s when Goth Mom finally texts me with that shit.

I read that Right before going into the Bar and couldn’t respond at all that night.  I needed to think on it and be thoughtful.  But it doesn’t end there.  There is an extra complicated layer of Nerdy Girl who was being Reeeeeeeeally Needy at that point.

While I’m driving to the bar, she called me twice and dropped so many messages, it was ridiculous.  My phone was absolutely blowing up, once I attempted to move on.  Now tell me that isn’t some sort of sign?

So... I parked my car and looked at my messages.  The first was from Goth Mom and I had to immediately just process this idea that she needs to work on shit.  What the fuck does that mean? Then, I see Nerdy Girl’s messages, and it appears that things finally got real in terms of her and her live-in ex boyfriend’s situation. He was finally moving out, the parents were angry with her and she needed me.. Right Then!

And ya know what?  I let her down... Because my life is more important, right now.

My Dad always taught me, “Yourself comes First.” My Mother was Self-less.

And me?  I’m somewhere right in the middle.  Always tending and caring for others, and feeling their emotions even more than my own sometimes, just like an Empath.  I always hate to use that word.  But then at times, I’ve just got things going on, and I have to put my foot down and say no.  And not be there.  Until later.  And this was absolutely that time.

What I was doing was NOT more pressing than being there for a good friend. However, the point was to meet up with Wedding Partner before she leaves, since her work shift was over. For clarity, Wedding Partner works at a Bar and is a Makeup Artist.  She’s a year older than me and doesn’t really seem to have any ridiculous baggage.  She’s got a place of her own, she’s single, and she wants a man that has the same.  This one liked my photo and wanted me to friend her on FB. It took a week after the first introduction, but here we are.  And at this 2nd time, it definitely felt like a friendly hang out.  She was mostly paying attention to my gal pal, as they talked about Wedding stuff together. The rest of that night was whatever, honestly.  She made me laugh and stuff, but I wouldn’t say that her and I were really bonding at all.

Still, it was a fun time, and I’d visit that bar again.

Back to my own shit, though.  Now I had a Needy Nerdy girl to tend to and catch up with, and then of course, I had to sort my own thoughts out about Goth Mom.

It’s become very clear to Needy Nerd that she is 2nd place.  Which makes me feel like shit, since I do care for her, there are some feelings and we have actually had sex... Her situation is finally getting better.  It’s still complicated, but it’s becoming less so by the days, it seems.

I don’t think Ex is fully moved out at all.  But the fact that there’s a process and that the parent’s are aware and upset with her means that things are wildly changing.  In her defense, I said that I’d be there for her through all of it.  And I still was, it just wasn’t in real-time.

And now, mentally I’m in a place where I’m prepared for this thing with Goth Mom to end.  So...  things have cooled down with Nerdy Girl, mostly.  However, her hopes on starting something real with me are still very high.  And I just don’t know how I’m gonna deal with that, even if I do get over Goth Mom.

Which leaves me to yesterday.  I spent a long time writing a thoughtful response on Word. (I never do this.). I looked it over, checked it twice.  Mulled over how many things I should or could say, but finally I was ready and felt like it said everything that I needed to get off my chest regarding that entire week of unspoken emotions.  And at 8:36 AM, I let her rip.

I wasn’t exactly expecting a response back that day.  It was a very long text.

But here we are in the middle of the next day. It’s July 4th, so she might be off, and I think I remember her telling me that she was doing a StayCation from work, so she might really Really be free now.

I know she got the text... There’s no reason to say anything else.

It was a lot to read and maybe a bit to process, but she’s the one who needs to do the work.

I basically said that I want to be there for her and still talk to her.  Even if we have to wait a few weeks or months down to the road to see each other again, I’d be willing to do that, because we’ve got a good thing going on here.

It doesn’t matter...  It’s gotta come from her when she’s ready.

I’m hoping that text made her smile.  Maybe it made her sigh and think about what she’s missing.  Hopefully it didn’t drive her away.

I’ve just NEVER experienced someone, Actually Bonding with you.  Actually LIKING you!!   Only to withdraw, literally the next day.

There was one time with a shitty ex, but we got back together literally the next day.  ::rolls eyes:: That girl was constantly back-and-forth between being official or being friends with benefits.  And it fucked me up at the time.

Now that shit doesn’t matter to me. After everything I’ve been through, I need the non-exclusivity.  I need to actually date multiple people and see what it is that I really want.  It’s the way things are done now...

NONE of the Dating Sites have worked...

But I have to get back on them, I think...

I Really Liked Goth Mom.  So much! But I had my doubts about her own situation.  Natural fears and stuff.  It’s all stuff I’d want to talk to her about to figure out together.  But she’s not interested in that.  She has her own demons to sort out, which might honestly have nothing to do with me.  It’s none of your business, but she does have PTSD after all...

Which leaves me with a Needy Nerdy Girl that wants nothing to do but spend time with me! I got what I wanted!!  I should be happy.  She’s a Friend with Benefits!!  She’s not together with her Ex.  It doesn’t have to be serious!!!

But I guess what I’m afraid of is that I can already tell Exactly how serious she is about me, and we’re not even together.  I already said it before that I Don’t want her jumping into a new relationship with me, right away.  And frankly, I don’t think I can handle that at all.

I finally opened up about her to one of my best friends about this, which is huge.  Because I’ve felt really bad about keeping this stuff secret. Now that things are a little less complicated, I can start to bring it up.

But yeah...  This whole balancing act between seeing Goth Mom and Nerdy Girl at the same time was really unhealthy.  And unfortunately Last Friday’s living dream with Goth Mom was too good to be true.

So I dunno.  For now, I have to sit with that... And really treat this as if it was a break up.  Because at the moment, the talking has stopped.  And it really does feel like things are finished...  Even if it is just for now.

I don’t know what’s coming next, but you can be sure that you’ll hear about it from me.  Until then, Happy Independence Day, everyone.

That’s exactly what I need to be these days.  Independent and Self-Sufficient.

#Dating #Relationships #Too Good to be True #Goth Mom #Nerdy Girl #Wedding Partner #hooking up #rejection #rants #feelings are complicated

[god-hunter]

I Never Thought I’d Get Here!

I can’t believe how everything’s playing out.

The 2nd date happened, and it definitely went well.  We had a great time at the Mexican place, and I talked to her as much as possible at my car and hers before she absolutely had to go.  When we said goodbye, it was a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I enjoyed my time, but I still felt like this was a very simple, slow pace.  But I also didn’t mind it.

That night Nerdy Girl was all over me on messenger asking how it was and getting mopey about us.  And we ended up having a borderline argument about what we’re doing.  I gave her my perspective of everything and it really made her think about things.  I brought up stuff I mentioned from the last blog too - if she had considered the consequences about what our friends would think.  Here, they meant for me to hook up with Goth Mom, but instead Nerdy Girl & I get together and she broke up with her long-term boyfriend...

That one, doesn’t look good on paper, man... But I’m not stringing her along either.  I’ve fully admitted that I don’t know what I’m doing and that I don’t know what I want.  And by the end of the conversation, given enough perspective, she decided that for now it’s best for us to be Friends with Benefits.

With that agreement in check and both of us on the same page, we agreed to see each other the next day.  And that’s when the inevitable happened. I’m gonna be a gentleman about it.  I won’t kiss and tell.  But it was good!

...That same DAY a 3rd factor came into the picture, which I wasn’t expecting, but it’s not really worth mentioning.  My 2 close friends are getting married next year and they wanted me to meet their friend, since she’s going to be my partner in the Wedding Party.  They thought we would hit it off, and she was fun...  But, I’m not invested.  My mind is on Goth Mom & Nerdy Girl.

Buuuut, while I was out having that good time at a Bar again for the first time in 4 months... I got a text from Goth Mom.  She wanted to see me again the next day.  She told me when she got out of work and right there we made the plan to watch a movie at my place.  This was it!!!

This was only YESTERDAY, dude.  I was an excited, nervous mess yesterday. I literally spent the whole day cleaning, tidying, grocery shopping and making the place as immaculate as possible for her.

We got Chinese like she suggested, enjoyed a nice dinner with a fair degree of small-talk, but it got less awkward as we went.  We finally decided to watch “That Thing You Do,”  She really liked it.

My cat sat in between us, so we were both petting him.  He took to her, which was beautiful.  But then, we used that as the excuse to inch closer, arms touching while petting my boy.  And then of course, our hands met.

That alone was great.  But then the credits rolled, we talked a small bit about each other, and I finally made my move.  I kissed her on the cheek again and then her neck, and then I finally met her lips.

We made out, a lot!

And then we continued to do so in the bedroom.

Now, I won’t kiss and tell, but I will say that she did things that make me blush.  And it takes a lot to get me to do that.

I was NOT expecting this level of intimacy from her.  She’s been apparently holding back a LOT.  And holy Fuck, the way she looked at me, each time we’d kiss.  WOW.

She really does it for me.  Like, no question.

But as I’ve said before, do we have enough other interests, besides our own attraction?  Am I too nerdy for her, or is she not nerdy enough for me??  Will that not matter any more?

More importantly, what exactly is her level of baggage?  We all have it.  It’s just the degree to which you’re willing to put up with.  So what’s her degree?  I already brought up that her Son’s Father is in the picture and he is a Toxic Nightmare, apparently.

If things got serious, that means this guy would be contending with me...  Is that anything I’d even remotely be willing to get into?  Is it that worth it to me?

I haven’t met the kid yet, obviously, but I have big questions for her about that.  It depends on her level of intimacy though.  Because she might decide that this is just a fun thing.  I could be her escape.  I have no idea. She was a FREAK, last night.  We both gave each other such a thrill. But I wonder if that’s just what she’s into, or if that is something that’s really special to her.  Modern Dating is really weird...

But my bigger question is... Would she be willing to have a 2nd kid, ever?  You don’t just ask that right out the gate.  But now that we’ve both been skintimate, it’s a topic I could probably broach soon.

Still I worry, because that’s me.  I had to lie to Nerdy Girl to get her to leave me alone for my 3rd Date.  And that again makes for a shaky foundation, with both girls, honestly.  I’m shifting things around and starting with a place of dishonesty or discreetness.

However...  I owe it to Goth Cat Mom - (the one I said I wouldn’t mention anymore), when she told me I should have all the fun I want with both girls until the conversation of exclusivity is brought up.  In a way that is what my close friend said to me the other day too.

So...  This is my weird conversion period, I think.  Falling into the actual role of the Bachelor.  I’m not a Player, I’m really not... Mentally on certain levels, Nerdy Girl absolutely does it for me!  But she still lives with her Ex.  And that situation is not changing any time soon. Physically, Goth Mom completely does it for me!!  But her amount of personal baggage and her own limitations of her work schedule could easily wane on my needs.

It’s an odd predicament.  One is too needy, and the other isn’t needy enough.  What concerns me about the neediness is that, I’m such a People-Pleaser that I will most likely drop everything in order to talk, hang or just make her feel better most of the time, before I end up getting resentful or acting like a dick when I finally give myself my own time to do me. In fact, yesterday was almost a test of that and she had a bit of a hard time not texting me.  Still, it didn’t interfere with the date and my phone was on silent anyway.

I don’t want to have to do that though.  I don’t want her to be my secret friend, especially if things really do work out with Goth Mom.  But if they don’t, I also don’t my life to become constant checking up and humoring Nerdy Girl all the time, every time she needs or wants my attention.  It could be too much, but I’m not there yet.

Goth Mom doesn’t have that problem.  Her problem is that she works all the time and has a kid.  So, the fact that we’ve been talking daily and dropping each other nice Good Morning and Good Nights, with things in between here and there, I’ve really enjoyed.  Now we’re getting to a level that we could talk about more serious things or just be more relaxed companions on texts, but still there’s some insecure part of me that wonders if last night meant anything to her.

That might sound silly, especially since she even said to me last night that she doesn’t believe in One Night Stands.  She was shy and excited, pretty much just as I was, but.. last night was really hot.  And I want us to be able to not only hang out more, but in the meantime to be able to talk about it and each other.  See where we’re both at.

But I’m playing it cool...  She came into work super tired today, and it seems that she wasn’t having the best day, so I’m gonna let anything come from her.

Also, Nerdy Girl & I kinda planned on hanging out tonight...  That was the initial plan!!!  Goth Mom caught me off-guard with Date 3!  Believe me, in my right mind I would NEVER see 1 girl after the other back to back!!

But that’s how it happened...

Wednesday was Date 2 w/ Goth Mom Thursday was Meet 5 w/ Nerdy Girl Friday was Date 3 w/ Goth Mom and Tonight is Meet 6 w/ Nerdy Girl...

Fuck dude, I need a break!

It’s like...  Too exciting.  From Famine to Feast as they say.

Physically though, you could say I’m absolutely getting what I want.

Mentally, my heart is unprepared to take on either burden.  I’m still getting over my own crap, but I’m definitely ready to meet new people and make new memories, so that’s what’s happening. Still though, with each new person, comes a new set of parameters to think about.  How well do you align with that person’s interests, feelings or bigger things like their friends or family?

I could go on and on in what if’s but that could be unending.

I guess I’m trying to enjoy the excitement of Now, because in a way it’s never gonna get better than this.  But I’m also trying to figure out what I really want.

More answers will come I’m sure. I hope...

That’s all I’ve got for now, folks.

#Dating #Relationships #Goth Mom #Nerdy Girl #I Never Thought I'd Get Here!

[god-hunter]

Little galaxy catto's! ✨✨✨

#beautiful #cat art #spacey #blue #fiery #galaxy #cats

[god-hunter]

This Would Be So Much Easier if I was a Player...

So things have definitely gotten exciting, on both ends.  Which only makes this harder.  But let’s focus on the positives.  Goth Mom & I went on a date last week and we’re up to Date 2 this week!  [I’m not gonna differentiate between Goth Dog & Goth Cat mom anymore.  The latter isn’t in the equation anymore.  She’s just an online acquaintance that’s fun to talk to.] But yes, Goth Mom & I had a really great time hiking on trails in a nice park that I’ve never been to.  We walked for 3 HOURS!!!  A decent chunk of time was spent chilling on a log where we opened up to each other and learned each other more.  And when conversation ran out, we defaulted to, “I’m having a great time,” which is good.

Meanwhile, Metal Cat girl has definitely gotten steamier with me.  And just yesterday she had a major break-through, or break-up, I should say with her long-term relationship.  So now...  I’m in trouble.  Because I absolutely like both of them for very different reasons.  This would be so much easier if I was a player...

But alas, I am not...

This rant is not meant to be the deciding factor, or to mull over comparisons or anything.  Instead, I’ll just focus on what happened already, and think about what could happen next.

Like I said, last Wednesday was the date!  And I was really, really happy about that.  Leading up to it, I just put a feeler out there about getting out of the house and going for a walk one day, and she was totally into it.  I had no idea it’d be a 3 hour event.

It was really nice, and refreshingly simple.  I’d like to get deeper with her, but at the same time, she has a kid and I think she’s being understandably careful.  We’ve been talking Daily, still, since I first met her in that random Zoom call.  Today marks Day 10.  I’d say, you can only connect so much by Day 10, but by Day 5 Metal Cat girl & I already admitted our feelings to each other.  Still, in her own way Goth Mom has Not been denying me anything.  We talk all the time, and when I put it out there for date 2, I remember saying, “I don’t know if it’s too soon to talk about getting food next, but...”  and she said, “I had a great time with you!  If you ask to hang out and I’m free, I’m not gonna say no!!”

So that’s confirmation enough that she likes my company.  She’s interested in seeing where it goes.  And that makes me thrilled.  I’m so attracted to her.  But it has to be more than that.  We need to bond on the same values and have enough similar interests that we don’t absolutely bore or alienate each other.

I love her artistry.  She’s really good at painting.  One thing that sucks is that she works, All the time.  [I will eventually too.]. But poor girl only gets one day off a week.  Always on Monday.  Which I think should truly be her days to herself, knowing that.  She gets out of work early on some days though, and for 2 Wednesdays in a row, she’s made that our Date Night.  So, who knows.  Wednesday might become Goth Mom Day, but..  still too soon to tell if we’re gonna fall into a pattern.

I recall things going well with girls before, and even having good 2nd dates.  But somewhere in there they make their decision and don’t tell you about anything by the time you plan for Date 3.  I’ve found out the hard way before that people haven’t been interested, at least once.

So I’m guarded about that.  Part of me fears that we aren’t connecting enough. But I’m remaining cool about it.  In our daily talks, it’s very simple stuff like, “How was your day?  What are you up to?”  And just that type of stuff is nice enough.  She always makes it a point to say Good Morning and Goodnight to me.  And last night was our first actual Phone call rather than just texting.  So who knows if that will continue.

I like that she’s regimented in her schedule to put her kid to bed at the same basic time every night.  She goes to bed way earlier than me because of work.  That’s not necessarily a bad thing at all, but who knows?

At the first date, we’ve established what we’re both looking for in a relationship and people.  We’re both kind of in the same place.  She wants to work on herself more, but she’s open minded to meeting someone and spending time with them to see where it goes. Whereas, I got out of something serious in February and am ready to meet new people, but at the same time just want to see where it goes.

Still, her language sent the signal to me that she wants to take things very slow.  And I don’t know how interested I am in doing that.  I have a feeling Date 2 will give me more of an idea on where any of that is going and how I feel further.

And then we have Metal Cat girl, who needs a new name by this point.  I want to switch it to Nerdy Potential girl, because that’s exactly what she is.  In the short time we’ve known each other, this person has expressed so much potential for me as a possible partner, it’s crazy!!!!  In fact, it sends a red flag.  This person can’t wait to spend time with me!!

She’s already been to my place 4 times.  I can’t even remember why she came over the first time.  I know I talked about it already, but what made me feel so awkward was that it was in secret.  She was supposed to be on her way to her Cousin’s out East.  Now I remember.  Then, there was a Doctor Appointment that she made an excuse for.  The 2nd Meeting was me telling her that things are actually going well with Goth Mom and it made her cry...  She thought this was over.  I didn’t mean to give her false hope, but I told her that nothing we’ve already said or done was diminished.  It’s just that she was still in a relationship and I was uncomfortable.  And she had told me to straight up, not to wait.  Go date.  So that’s what I’m doing.  And I actually see a possibility with this person, I think.  So I want to see where that goes.  But that’s where this honesty gets fucked, because I absolutely care for this person too.  And we’ve discussed about this openly at the 2nd meeting.

On the 3rd meeting, which wasn’t long after... we 100% hooked up.  In fact... I think this was the day after my date... ::facepalms:: Nerdy girl was so sweet and lovey dovey the night before that I kind of stopped caring and really wanted to see her.  We had talked about how on Monday, the 2nd meeting, we just cuddled and touched each other a bit.  It was a major tease, but the boundaries weren’t crossed.  It was petting her hair and a pseudo massage.  Hers was tempting petting of the legs, but nothing further.  We both controlled ourselves and she eventually left. So after that great date with Goth Mom, and all of this talk about how great Monday was already, I couldn’t wait for her to come over and for us to just be like that again. Well, we definitely did more, but we still drew a line.  We massaged and groped each other a bit, but we didn’t fuck.  Dry humping is very close though.  And we 100% made out.

And this pisses me off, because I’m not giving myself an honest shot anymore, like I said I wanted to do.  But the other part of me doesn’t want to wait forever, and doesn’t know if I’ll ever have a connection in the same way that I do with Nerdy girl.

I’ve fully admitted that I don’t know what I’m doing.  And she’s okay with that. She just at the same time, wants to make sure that she doesn’t lose out...

Then she came a 4th time, unexpected the next day... This was a bit of a red flag to me.  At the 3rd visit I said she shouldn’t be coming around every day or even every few days.  Just once in a while.

Instead, this girl tells me that she was baking brownies and surprised me with a phone call saying she was on her way to drop me off some.  I never asked for that!  She caught me off guard and it interrupted my day!!!

Not that I had much going on that day, but still...  it was weird.  And she definitely didn’t want to leave after 5 minutes.  Instead, she stayed for like an hour.  We didn’t do anything this time.  She just wanted to talk.  And the talk was more serious again.  It was like our 2nd meeting.

She was asking how to win me over.  And it was the most awkward, on-the-spot situation.  I told her it wasn’t about that.  And that truthfully I like both of them.  And that I have to see where this goes.  I was supposed to meet her.  That was the plan.  Nerdy Taken girl falling for me, wasn’t meant to happen.  That’s her own shit coming at me and interfering with the original intentions.

So it was a really weird discussion, but it certainly wasn’t an argument.  There was absolutely no horse play, which I’m glad about.  She even met me in the middle and said that if I found my person, she doesn’t want to interfere with that.  But at the same time, she thinks she found her person, and she thinks that's me.

It’s amazing. It’s heartwarming. It’s sweet. It’s unexpected.  But at the moment, it’s also unwanted.  It’s so fucking insane.

I don’t have it in me to just blow off Goth Mom and run away with Potential Girl.  Even if all the other boxes are checked...

But the latest news is that just yesterday, Nerdy girl and her boyfriend agreed to separate.  That’s how she put it.  She is going through EXACTLY what I went through in February.  And as promised I’m there for her.  But I also need to give her time.  Really, truly.

No matter how ready she thinks she is, she can’t just start up a relationship with me right away.  She needs to give herself at least a little bit of time to live with herself, and not rely on someone else for companionship, company or something to do.

I don’t know.  That’s such a hard thing to enforce when you’re actively flirting with someone.

But right now, for me, I gotta focus on that 2nd Date.  Which I’m still very excited about.  When I compare the two, I do think that Goth Mom & I have a simple attraction for each other.  I think she’s hot and I like talking to her.  Period. While Nerdy girl and I straight up feel like we’re together already. But this is what I meant to say...  At the 3rd or 4th hangout, the inevitable happened... She had to answer a phone call and lie to her Dad about where she was... And it made me feel SO UNCOMFORTABLE.  I told her as such at the 4th hangout.  She apologized.  I told her that I already feel like the Other Man.  And this isn’t good.

There’s other things that she probably hasn’t considered yet.  Like will there be a falling out with the original friend that introduced us?  Will that person get thrown off, because instead of dating the single girl, I ended up breaking up 2 of her other close friends...?

The idea sickens me.  It’s not my fault.

She fucking fell for me.  And I definitely adhered to it.  

Sometimes I wonder if the whole thing is already fucked.  If the foundation is too screwed up.  And even if things work out for us, there’s going to be this weird sour spot at how we initially started.

I know for a fact, that if Goth Mom gets to the point where she respectfully tells me that she has fun with me, but she doesn’t think of me that way, then it will be So Easy to gravitate towards Nerdy girl and take whatever steps necessary to make that an actual thing.

But if Goth Mom gets into me and we finally hook up and stuff?  That means we’ll have reached a level of intimation that she is comfortable enough to consider adding me into her life with a child!  And all the baggage that comes with it.  Her Ex is still in the picture and he’s a raging asshole that isn’t going away.  This is absolutely something that I have to factor in.

Is that worth it?  Is that something I want to take on...?

There’s still so many God Damn Unknowns.

But that's where things stand right now. I hope I’ll have more of an idea on how I feel after our 2nd date.  We’re gonna get Mexican together and dine out for the first time during this Pandemic.  I’m wary of it, but I’m also trusting her through this.  When we walked together, we both did so without masks.

Covid is absolutely still a thing.  Even if the curve has been flattened, where I live.  I fear that my Unemployment is going to end sooner than later, and eventually I’m gonna be in a completely new thing all together.

I really don’t know.  A new work schedule will certainly reshape how I act and do what I do.  And when it comes to Goth Mom, that might completely jive with her.  Nerdy girl is still working on getting her Unemployment back-pay, which I think is insane!!!!  But she’ll either be in a position to do her own thing all the time, or she’ll go back to work, and just get a hefty check at some point.

Either way, things are definitely changing for all of us.  And things really could go any way at this point which is why I wrote now, rather than later.

Until next time, folks.

#Dating #Relationships #Goth Mom #Potential Girl