happinessonhigh

[happinessonhigh]

one day,

i’ll re-read everything i store in these poems;

the memories that live in these stanzas;

the thoughts and feelings that i buried between these lines;

and i’ll look back

in horror-

in disgust

that i could have ever been so naïve,

so foolish,

so seventeen.

#young poets #original poetry #my poem #short poem #poets on tumblr #poem #poemsdaily #original poem #poets #poetry #spilled poem #spilled ink #spilled thoughts

[happinessonhigh]

you are so kind and i have so little to offer you in return.

(possible trigger warning// r4pe)

you know, i didn’t mean to scare you that night-

didn’t mean to wake you-

i’m sorry, i just can’t help it.

even now, his hands haunt the corners of my consciousness;

clambering out from behind dusty memories when the time is right.

that night-

that night that i cried to you

about what he had done to me.

that night when his hands woke me from my sleep

grip on my throat

hands on hips

holds my wrists.

muffled scream- im sorry.

im sorry that he still hangs around.

i’m sorry that i allow him to haunt me still.

im sorry that i screamed.

i promise i didn’t mean to wake you.

that night-

that night that i cried to you

about what he had done to me.

that night you held me.

that night you ran the shower as hot as ever

let me sit on the floor of your bathroom,

scrubbing the ghosts of him off of me.

that night, you got me a towel,

folded my clothes,

dried my hair.

that night, you kept me grounded,

let me touch your skin,

reassured me it was okay while i clung to you.

fuck.

you even put on cologne.

your cologne.

because it’s not the same as his.

and then

you poured me a glass of water,

asked if i would be more comfortable if you put a shirt on,

and you put on a christmas movie.

put on a christmas movie like everything was okay,

like nothing was wrong,

like nothing had happened.

and you promised me i was safe with you.

god, you are so kind.

#original poetry #my poem #short poem #poem #poemsdaily #original poem #poets #poetry #spilled poem #spilled ink #young poets #poets on tumblr #poems on tumblr

[happinessonhigh]

it is 12:13am on january 4th and already i am so tired.

the new year feels less like a new start and more like the renewal of a cycle of misery.

i cannot cleanse myself of last year,

or the year before,

or the decade and a half before that.

(unfortunately.)

march 27th will mark 4 years since it happened;

4 years since you.

the human body completely replaces its cells every 7-10 years.

skin cells are one of the first to be shed: the entire process takes approximately 27 days.

in 82 days, i will be four-tenths of the way to a new body.

by that time, i will have trialed 54 new skins.

(53 that you have not touched.)

and there is no point in writing this all out.

i know that you’ll never read it;

i know that you don’t care.

- maybe that’s the comforting part.

#young poets #poetscommunity #poets on tumblr #short poem #spilled poem #poem #poets #poemsdaily #original poem #poetry #spilled ink

[happinessonhigh]

4:03pm

we are sitting in my bedroom, cross-legged on the floor before a crowd of half-empty energy drink cans. your hand in mine, you are too far away for me to reach.

3:27am

i stand on my own front lawn in the darkness. i do not know why i am here. or even how i got here. i think i might be waiting for something.

12:42pm

i climb into the front seat of your car. neither of us says a word. i pull my knees to my chest as we pull away from my house. as you pull away from me.

#short poem #spilled poem #poets #young poets #poetscommunity #poets on tumblr #poem #poemsdaily #original poem #original poetry #poetry

[happinessonhigh]

your head on my shoulder

soft hair caresses blushing cheek

im glad its dark outside.

i’d never forgive myself if you saw me like this

and then i told you how i felt

like an idiot

but somehow things turned out okay

and look at us now;

whatever we have

i think its pretty good.

i got a message today

from someone i don’t talk to a lot:

“you two are soulmates;

dont let him go.

you are lucky to have found each other.”

and i thought about that

ive never believed in soulmates,

romantic or platonic

to me, the idea of being ‘meant’ for someone

is fucking terrifying.

but then i thought some more

as i so often do

and ive come to realise how stupid that sounds

when it comes from my mouth

you see,

i try not to romanticise my codependence

try to deny that my reliance on others

is not the perfect storm for happily ever after

i guess it is in some distant, fairytale universe

just not in this one

and for that i am so sorry

#poemsdaily #young poets #poetscommunity #poem #spilled poem #poets on tumblr #short poem #poets #original poem #poetry #spilled ink #poems on tumblr #poemoftheday

[happinessonhigh]

orion stands proudly over us

his belt glistens

i point out the tip of his sword

bow drawn back

he is my favourite constellation

ive told you that before.

at least once or twice

you don’t say you already know

and i think about how kind you are to spare me the embarrassment of ‘i know,

you’ve said that before’

i don’t remember what you said

in response to that

i was drunk;

waltzing with my thoughts around my own head [while we walked together ]. and you...

you were just looking at the sky

admiring orion.

just like i do.

maybe i should be more attentive

more observant

you tell me i am observant.

and that you like that about me

but i forgot what you said the last time i told you about orion

and its a shame

because i would have liked to know

what you thought of my love for this

one

silly

constellation

at least what you thought this time.

i can promise you it won’t be the last.

#young poets #poetscommunity #poets on tumblr #poem #short poem #spilled poem #poets #original poem #poetry #poems on tumblr #poemsdaily #spilled ink

[happinessonhigh]

youve been trying to convince me

since March 2017

that things are going to be okay;

that everything will work out.

it is December 2020.

in November,

when things got bad again

you told me

that you used to think that i wouldn’t make it

to December 2017

or July 2018

or to 2019.

and in November 2020,

when i told you that i didn’t know

if i would ever be okay again,

you held both of my hands

and you told me that

you had seen me at rock bottom;

you had sat with me

when you didn’t know if i’d ever be okay again;

when you were sure the sadness would kill me;

when you had spent the last three years

worrying that i wouldn’t see tomorrow.

and told me that you’d been watching over me since March 2017

and you reminded me that it was November 2020.

it is December 2020.

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[happinessonhigh]

i have started so many poems

all unfinished

i cycle between too many thoughts

and too few

too many words for a single poem,

too few for a whole stanza.

somehow always the wrong amount.

the same could be said

of a lot of things in my life

always too much

or too nothing at all.

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[happinessonhigh]

I just wanted to put it out there that I think it's really fucked up how many times I, or one of my friends have cried ourselves to sleep, or had panic attacks, or been depressed, or had suicidal thoughts/tendencies because of school and the education system because that's fucked up, man.

#high school #school #friends #i think thats just really fucking shitty #pressure #anxiety #depression #education #schooling systems #panic attacks #i cant get over it #thats so fucked #i dont even know #my head is a complete and utter mess of thoughts #sorry #my words #writing #quoted #quotes #depressing #suicidal #suicide #unhappy #i cant sleep

[happinessonhigh]

Many believed she was cold towards others, but they couldn’t have been more wrong. She had a heart the size of the moon, a heart that dangerously loved a very few people with every inch of its existence.

and that love was beautiful (via sheispernicious)

[happinessonhigh]

I feel like a lot of things eventually lose meaning. When I tell you that I’m sorry, you don’t think much of it at all. Because it’s just a default word. You say sorry in a break in conversation or when you’re too lost to think of anything meaningful. Sorry is just another way to make up for your nothingness. Sorry is just a filler.

Was it really ever anything else?

#excerpt from a story i'll never write #words #my words #sorry #i''m sorry #writing #i know that this is really horrible but hey i tried