harviekeith

[harviekeith]

me and my beautiful sceneries

I want the beautiful sceneries to be what's inside me—calm, restful, harmonious, and peaceful. But whenever I see photos of beautiful sceneries, my heart jumps and aches—jumps from the excitement of wanting to settle and be in that kind of place; and aches from wanting it and thinking that it may never happen. So I cry. I cry because I want it so much, and I feel like I'm caged in this situation. I want to break free. I want to live peacefully in a small town with few but nice and caring people. People who will only know my name and will never bother to ask who I was before or where I came from. In a place far away, free from worry, surrounded by nature and beautiful sceneries.

Because I'm tired of ruminating. I'm tired of worrying, and thinking about what could've been, what I could've said instead. Tired of thinking if what I did or said was too much that it was embarrassing, or too less that it was not enough for them to understand. I'm tired of thinking and daydreaming of things I want to happen in my life then feel bad for myself cause I'm just here and that with whatever I try to do, or correct, or change, my fate, might just always be...here, in this situation. And I don't want that.

I feel like a long-forgotten vehicle, eager to set out to the highway and run my engine to its core but has become rusty inside with no fuel. I'm longing for the old times and how it felt, longing for my old self and how I laughed and smiled. Now I'm paralyzed in time slipping like sand through my fingers, drowning in quicksand. I've become hollow that when you look at me, you'll see a sinkhole in my chest and a black hole through my eyes.

You know, I used to adore my eyes so much. They'd smile when I laugh. They were genuine and innocent. Expressive and bright. In everything and everyone, my eyes have always seen the beauty, and accepted what's ugly. But now my eyes had grown tired, and I feel sad for how sad-looking my eyes have become. Everything that it used to be, sunk and came down to emptiness. Now that these eyes have become ugly themselves, all has became gray and dull. And only through beautiful sights that they remember the feeling of being alive again.

I truly miss the magic and beauty of this world my eyes used to enjoy. I miss the way my eyes spark in the presence of a friend, of a message notification on my phone, of sunlight peeking through clouds, of multiple leaves free-falling and swaying down at once, of rain softly knocking on my roof, and of kindness. I miss the way my eyes unveil their colors when hugged by the sun, and how they stare amazed and curiously at the night sky. So though my heart jumps and aches, these hazel eyes still seek sight of beautiful sceneries, because not long ago, they used to be one, as I will continue to silently and humbly hope that one day these beautiful sceneries will finally be what's inside me.

#nature #beautiful scenery #personal essay #creative writing #ruminating #hazel eyes

[harviekeith]

raindrops

What a gloomy, after-rain morning it is. You know, I kind of looked forward to this kind of weather these past few days, because then people and things will seem to move so slowly, and I will finally have more time to myself, to reflect and think. But now, as I'm writing this with my coffee while I listen to my carefully-formed playlist, this gloomy, after-rain morning has made me gloomy myself.

Staring blankly outside, as raindrops race down the window pane, a memory came rushing back to my mind, forcing itself to be my current thought. A painting I made yesterday for someone I like...this guy I met from Art Twitter. I think that is where this desolation started. You can't just blame it on anyone if the same energy is not reciprocated. You liked someone and you acted on that feeling with so much passion, it is not your fault. And it's not their fault as well if they don't feel the same way. It is best to not put the blame on anyone or anything, just accept it and move on. But in my case, I could not move on. I have always been the kind of person who gets attached easily and invest so much. (an on-point description of me). And that guy I'm talking about, we haven't even talked that much, the only conversation we had was when I showed him the painting, then he thanked me, and I was kind of testing the waters and trying to keep the conversation going but it felt like he wanted to end it already. So, there's that...

I don't know why, but I always paint the people I like, I love. Maybe because it doesn't cost anything but means so much. The first time I painted someone was back in 2017, to this guy I consider my first love. They say your first love is someone who broke your heart and hurt you the worst. Well, this guy definitely hurt me the worst so far. (by the way, this is another one of those annoying unreciprocated, putting-meaning-to-everything-kind-of love story, but please continue...xoxo). But unlike that Art Twitter guy, this one, let's just call him Blue, we had moments. Moments which really got me thinking, "Does he like me, too? Yeah, he likes me too. But maybe not? I don't know".

Blue was my classmate throughout college and I've liked him all throughout college too. We'd talk every night reviewing for our quizzes the next day and though we have 7am class, we'd still talk until midnight. But it's the complete opposite when we're in class. He wasn't confessing or making any moves which made me think that maybe he does not like me. Then came Valentine's day 2017, I met up with him one night near his house and gave him sunflowers, a painting I made and a poetry I wrote. I was too afraid to confess but I think it was obvious with what I just did on a Valentine's day, yet nothing from him still. Though our late night conversations still continued. Then September 2018, there was this music festival at our school. We went and we had fun. It was raining, then my friend said he saw Blue kissed some other guy. My heart dropped with the music and my tears fell with the rain. One moment I was shouting in joy, then the next, I was shouting in pain. I was just glad it was raining and I was with my friends, because I could not stop crying that night, especially on the walk home. I can clearly remember it all. My friends comforted me in my misery and the rain hugged me in my every step. So that same night at our place, I messaged him and confessed. But he said, he appreciates the regard but he only sees me as a friend. So, there's also that...

I was so heartbroken. I had to see him in class everyday and pretended I was okay (which, thankfully, I was so good at). I don't even know if I've fully healed from that. I still kind of miss him. Especially when it rains, I think about him a lot. I still write letters to him, which I don't send of course, I just read them whenever it rains, because that's when my heart died, yet I still have love for him. And I can only wish he sees them everytime I post online. I wonder if he wonders about me wondering about him, or if I'm doing fine. (If your reading this, Blue, I'm doing fine, but since then, I'm no longer okay.)

This gloomy morning, this rain, what a comfort its sound is, yet what a damn time machine. It felt like every raindrop, its sound carries a memory.  But I'd still read the letters whenever it rains, hoping they'll relay the message to him, for I know that wherever he is, the rain will be there too.

#raindrops #rainymorning #rainy thoughts #memories #time machine #heartbreak

[harviekeith]

daily dose of daisies

I've been very protective of my space lately. I want to be very careful of how I want to spend my time and my day. Control those things that I can in my favor, for my own peace of mind.

Lately, I've been going back to the things I am so passionate about such as painting and writing, arts in general. it's long overdue but I can say I’m happy (plus, may I just say, what a blessing it is to finally be able to listen to the re-recorded love story by Ms. Swift.) Yes, I'm a Swiftie...for 12 years now. She's a part of me and always will. You know I'm not fond of dogs due to a dog-attack incident that happened years ago. But you know how dog-owners always say "he's my best friend"?...For me, that's Taylor Swift. I'm not saying that she's a dog (omg this is getting messed up lmao). But the relationship and the beautiful feeling that owners have with their dogs, I have that with Taylor Swift, even though I'm sure she doesn't have the slightest idea who I am but yeah, she's my best friend.

And that beautiful feeling that I mentioned earlier, I don't know exactly how to explain it but I like to think of them and call them daisies. Because they look so humble and shy... full of sunshine (no offense sunflower).  It is anything that makes your heart full, and brings you to your calmest. It makes you excited, gets you through the day, and fulfills you. Those daisies, I also get them through art: painting, drawing, writing, reading. And that's what I've been up to these past week: collecting daisies, trying to be in full bloom. It keeps the monsters at bay and the band-aids sticked.

Yesterday, I just bought a new pack of watercolor papers and I courageously bought an acrylic paint set and a canvas. I'd never done acrylics, more so on a canvas. I was at it for almost 4hrs last night, but it was so fulfilling.  I couldn't stop taking photos of it. I didn't have anyone to share it to yet but the peacefulness of the night and the brightness of the moon was enough to make me feel that someone is proud of me. I woke up this morning with my right arm sore up to my shoulders, but I still managed to jump rope for a good 3 sets of 20 counts. I have a weak body, hence, the jump-roping. I'm not fond of going to the gym, even before the pandemic. I really am not a work-out type of person, but I used to be fit, considering my lung issue, during my teenage years (I’m 22 btw), or at least I think I was, because of dancing and field games with friends. But when I started working, my only exercise is the commute from my house to our office. But at least now, I'm trying to get back into shape and be active, it keeps me excited about the long-term result and also it makes my body healthy.

Earlier today just before I started writing this, I moved the furniture on our living room. Tried to gave it a little glow-up, and to try something new. But really I just wanted to have space for my art materials, my books and my computer. A personal space. I'm staying at my parents' house and I don't have my own room, so I just wanted to have a nook, a corner of my own. And that's where I'm currently writing at. My table is at a corner, with a window in front of me facing our front yard and another window just on my right, a little behind me, giving me enough space to stick and display some of my artworks on the wall on my side. And another table on my left for my books and art things. It is kind of weird but organizing things makes my heart full, though it could be very tiring for some. I guess it's the Virgo in me. The only struggle is the dusts. My nose gets easily irritated then I'll keep sneezing. But seeing everything clean and pleasing to the eye, it's worth all the sneezes. 

I guess I can say I've been having a pretty week. I got good doses of daisies this week. I think I'll come up with some sort of tracker or planner (which I'm also obsessed with) to keep track of my daisies or if I'm able to get a dose for each day. I know you have so many passions as well, let me know about them. And I hope you get your own daily dose of daisies too.

#daisies #dailydose #passion #art #free write #writing

[harviekeith]

on belongingness

Some may never understand why most people long for a feeling of home, seeking belongingness, but as you might not know, it is actually a psychological need of every human being.

In Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the needs lower down in the hierarchy must be satisfied before we can attend to the needs higher up. And Belongingness comes third in this five-level theory right after Safety. And our basic needs such as food, water and rest, called Physiological Needs, being the first and at the bottom. The first four levels are often referred to as deficiency needs and the top level as growth needs.

  Deficiency arise due to deprivation and motivates people when they are unmet. And the longer the duration they are denied of that need, the stronger the motivation to fulfill it becomes.

As I said, some may not understand why  most people seek belongingness. This is because others are able to satisfy their needs and find belongingness easily in their own home, while most aren't, or it may just not be enough. That’s why we take the chances outside, to other people.

  If only it is as easy as checking out on shopping apps, or searching on google maps. If only it is as available as those over-the-counter medicines, maybe more of us are less lonely. But unfortunately it is not. What makes it harder is that belongingness may also depend on other people. And not everyone is as sociable as others. It may feel like being in a deep cave and not hearing your echo back, or being a wishing well where no one throws a penny at.

The more we are denied of that need, the more eager we become to find it. Because only then, will we be able to feel seen and have love for ourselves. We're living things after all. And like all living things, we just want to grow.

#belongingness #personal essay #creative writing #writersph #write