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I’m Menahal, a licensed mental health counselor based in NYC. I’ve had the privilege of working with individuals, couples, and families to overcome a range of concerns including mental health struggles, rocky marriages, addictions, and trauma, to name a few. I believe that we all have exactly what we need to heal within us. This belief drives my work where I collaborate with my clients to uncover their innate ability to not only understand them, but also heal emotional wounding to create room for growth and thriving.
I’ve worked in both mental health and substance abuse treatment facilities, which have helped me understand the prevalence of trauma and its profound affect on both mental and physical health. I’ve learned how deeply we can be impacted by adverse experiences, and in turn may unintentionally engage in patterns of behavior that cause us to remain stuck, whether personally, professionally, or in our relationships (or lack thereof). I’ve trained in Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and EMDR, two powerful and effective modalities for the treatment of trauma, to enhance my work with clients who are seeking help for deep emotional wounding and/or traumatic experiences. With loneliness eating away at so many of us, I seek to create a means of safe connection where difficult experiences and emotions can be processed and released.
I am passionate about seeing couples succeed in their relationship goals, whether enhancing an already solid relationship or getting “unstuck” from recurring fighting patterns. When working with couples, I utilize the skills gained through training in the Gottman method as well as in EFT. I’ve had the honor of teaming with the Gottman Institute to author the Islamic Reference Guide for the Gottman Method, a companion to The New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.
Learn more — https://havenmhc.com/
#mental health support#mentalheathawareness#couple counseling#premaritalcounseling#individual counseling
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Are Worry, Fear, and Tension Taking a Toll on Your Relationship?
Anxiety. The word is commonplace now. And in our current world, most anyone understands just how you feel if you say you’re a sufferer.
But when it comes to our relationships, we are sometimes a bit less forgiving. Our anxious thoughts and roiling emotions sometimes give way to behavior and reaction that don’t serve our closest connections well.
Perhaps we cling too hard. Maybe we tense up and pull away.
Whatever the case, it’s important to determine if we really understand the toll anxiety takes on our relationships. As worry grows within us and fears mount, it can become increasingly challenging to retain the productive and mutually satisfying connection you and your partner desire. It isn’t easy to stay loving, compassionate, and secure if anxiety isn’t put in its place.
Consider below, how anxiety may interfere with your connection to your partner.
Anxiety may fuel a desire for reassurance that leads to codependence.
When fear and the resulting tension root inside you, an excessive need for support and reassurance can be very unsettling to relationships. Are your nervous energy and racing thoughts disruptive to the way you share and allow your partner to share with you? When you’re away from each other, do you feel too uncertain or insecure to make decisions individually? How often do you pursue your partner seeking direction or wanting ongoing approval?
A constant need to feel “okay” can overwhelm your relationship. Pressuring your partner to be responsible for making you feel safe all the time can strain your bond considerably.
Anxiety can lead to controlling, fixing, rescuing, and/or manipulating your partner.
If you are constantly fearful and upset, your relationship can become mired in either focusing on your fears or a preoccupation with avoiding the source of your worry. Over time, this focus can be exhausting and become manipulative. Inadvertently, anxiety may lead to self-absorbed, controlling, or insensitive behavior as worry provokes you to keep yourself or your relationship safe. This, of course, can lead to resentment.
Anxiety may undermine your longing to connect deeply.
Anxiety often causes loving partners to feel so overwhelmed that they emotionally “check out.” Anxious partners may then isolate or distance themselves to cope.
Although you and your partner crave intimacy, the fear of misunderstanding, rejection, and judgment can compel partners to pull away rather than pull together. Without correction, this just leads to persistent conflict and relationship damage.
So, what’s the answer?
The first step is developing mindfulness around your emotions; becoming more aware of what you are feeling and when you are feeling it. Understanding your emotions will help you to develop the capability to put words to what you’re feeling and communicate it in a way that your partner can receive and understand it. Learning to self-soothe prior to communicating with your partner will also help you avoid falling into the trap of alienating your partner with anger or frustration.
Mindfulness can also be used to practice enjoying and taking in the times when you are enjoying each other’s company. When anxiety overtakes, it can impede presence in moments of connection due to preoccupation with keeping your partner close. Being mindful and allowing yourself to be fully present in the relationship allows you to take in and build on the positivity with your partner rather than worrying about the good times ending or using those moments to share complaints.
How couples counseling can help.
Overcoming anxiety as a team is not easy. Couples often get stuck in a cycle of high emotions with no resolutions. You may need an objective third party to help you both gain perspective. Seek help from a guide with the tools to help you face each other and face your fears optimally.
Sessions with an experienced therapist can help you find ways to cope while being compassionate and honest with each other. We are here to help you build a solid, stable relationship. We also invite you to read more about anxiety treatment and couples therapy.
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Turn It Around: Repairing Emotional Damage in Your Marriage
Roadblocks are inevitable, even in the most committed of couples. Things may be said or done along the way that hurt feelings and eventually cause a buildup of resentment, triggers and create recurring arguments that just make you feel stuck. Why?
Unfortunately, many couples just haven’t learned the relationship skills required to effectively repair emotional damage when it happens. Being able to talk about conflicts after the fact, or better yet, notice and better manage conflicts as they come up, is a skill that takes practice and more importantly, courage and vulnerability. However, many of the couples the come in for therapy struggle with figuring out how to repair and reconnect after an emotional injury has occurred. Thus, conflicts are exacerbated, and difficult conversations become divisive without a plan for emotional restoration. Instead of drawing close again, avoidance and withdrawal can set in.
Without an intentional attempt to break the cycle, communication and compassion can break down significantly.
This needn’t be your relationship story. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman revealed key findings regarding relationship repair. Particularly, why and how partners must actively correct emotional damage between them. According to Dr. Gottman’s research, failing to repair will hinder emotional safety and trust considerably.
Consider how effective relationship repairs can help you and your partner heal emotional damage and restore closeness:
What Repair Attempts Do
The key to making things right when emotional damage occurs is to make an attempt to break the cycle by shifting the interaction, rather than continuing the pattern of negativity as early and as often as necessary. These efforts are “repair attempts.” Gottman notes that a repair attempt is “any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.”
So, de-escalation is the name of the repair game. This allows you to let the steam escape the conversation so that you can carefully consider what’s happened between you. If handled well, it can allow for curiosity for both your experience and the experience of your partner so that you can both quickly and thoughtfully address it.
What Repair Attempts Don’t Do
Repair work is not one-sided. Neither your partner, nor his/her repair attempts can force you into the right frame of mind. Repair attempts are your individual choice when your personalities, perspectives, and personal needs, inevitably, collide. However, actual relationship repair is cooperative and intentional. The ultimate agreement to heal and reconnect is mutual.
Emotional Processing is a Relationship Priority
It’s important that you are both ready to approach repairing your relationship. Take care to follow the next five steps when you can do so calmly and respectfully:
Step 1: Express Feelings
Succinctly list the emotions you each experienced (angry, disrespected, overwhelmed, forgotten). No commentary, explanation, or judgment accompany this step.
Step 2: Share and Validate
Decide who will be the listener and who will share first. Honor those roles. If you’re the speaker, share the damaging interaction from your perspective. Do this without criticizing the listener. Instead, use “I” statements to convey what you noticed and needed at that time.
If you’re the listener, focus on understanding the speaker’s experience. Be curious. Summarizing and validating are key. Do your best not to assume or project meaning onto what they’ve shared. Express clearly that you are trying to see things from their point of view and ask if your understanding is correct. Leave them space to address what continues to be misunderstood and validate their feelings. When the speaker feels understood, switch roles.
The goal? To make each other feel undeniably safe and loved.
Step 3: Talk About Triggers
Often, emotional damage occurs because partners are unclear about the buttons they’re pushing in each other. Take turns disclosing and discussing what was triggered in you both.
Try to link and share past emotional experiences with the emotional interaction between you. What happened? Why are the feelings similar? Be as clear as possible without being critical, so that your partner is more aware and understanding of this sensitivity and vice versa.
Step 4: Acknowledge, Accept, Apologize
Relationship repair is aided immensely when you can acknowledge what contributed to miscommunication and relationship strain, take responsibility for your respective missteps, and offer apologies.
Were you were stressed or overreactive? Say so. Express your regret for being curt or turning away. Sincerely offer an apology. Allow your partner time to do the same. When all is said and apologies are accepted, agree to forgive and move forward. If hard feelings persist, continue to discuss unmet needs and how to meet them.
Step 5: Value Preventative Care Over Exhaustive Repair
The final step of relationship repair, according to Gottman, is to mutually discuss how to do less of it. Share one thing you could do to make discussing this issue better next time. Then, gently, share a way your partner can do the same. Clearly glean what it will take to finally resolve the matter, concentrating on areas of agreement.
Reach Out if You Require More Intensive Repair
While it’s true that addressing problems early is the best way to prevent large relationship rifts, you aren’t alone if problems have festered too long. Healing can still be accomplished. You may just need some professional guidance to help you communicate and reach your repair goals.
Don’t give up. Repair attempts are an act of love. We’re here to help. Please read more about couples counseling and contact me soon for a consultation.
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How to Recognize and Heal from Narcissistic Abuse
Some of the most difficult counseling cases that I come across are of individuals who have suffered at the hands of a narcissistic parent, partner, sibling, or significant other in their life. Don’t get me wrong. These situations are not difficult because of the victims who I see in my office. What’s heartbreaking is to see how the deep impact that narcissistic abuse has on a person. It can shape and shake the foundation of who you are. Narcissistic abuse can make you question your sanity, worth, and sense of self. And unless you’ve been through it, it may be difficult to fully comprehend just how sinister a narcissist is. For the purposes of this blog post, we’ll take a closer look at narcissistic abuse as it shows up in romantic relationships, though there will be overlaps in narcissistic behavior no matter the relationship.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is like having the rug pulled out from underneath you over and over and over. When you dreamed of a partner, you likely never imagined a person who would wear you down with ego and arrogance. Or confuse you with subtle jabs of condescension and loads of gaslighting. You hoped to be treated well, loved intentionally, and respected daily. And you deserve as much.
However, if you find yourself in a relationship where you’re constantly feeling like you’re on the defense, questioning what you may have done wrong this time, or have a disturbing feeling when examining what’s going on between you and your partner, it’s important that you take time to honor your feelings.
Is your partner just insensitive? Are they a reformable jerk? Or is this a relationship mountain you shouldn’t keep trying to climb? Perhaps you’re just overreacting?
Maybe.
Could it be that you become the target of narcissistic abuse? Good question.
Let’s look deeper at your experience for answers:
Key Challenges of a Relationship with a Narcissist
Generally, narcissistic behavior puts a strain on a connection that should be meaningful, loving, balanced. Why? Narcissists come first in their own minds. They must focus the relationship on themselves and their own needs.
The result? You suffer. Why? Because your role is to count for less, ask for less, and expect less for yourself. And sadly, the methodical, manipulative way this occurs can do significant damage to your self-esteem and emotional wellbeing. When you’re in the thick of it, it can be hard to read your narcissistic partner. In fact, they can seem so attentive and engaged at times that you feel thoroughly off-balance as you try to make things work. To gain some perspective, be aware of the way you and your partner interact.
Is The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle at Play?
This cycle of interaction is broken down into three key stages: idealization, devaluation, and rejection.
Idealization Marks Your Initial Connection
Romantic relationship carries with it a wealth of infatuation, and exhilaration in the initial phase. It’s the desire to reclaim that seeming adoration that can keep an abused partner with a narcissist. For the narcissist, those early days serve a different function. They idealize their partner and place them on a pedestal early on. They see perfection in their partner and claim that person as their own, pouring affections on them, even overwhelming them with their dedication.
But of course, their partner is not perfect. Perhaps you know what it’s like to be thrown off your partner’s pedestal?
You’re Disparaged and Devalued
For most couples, the euphoria fades as a contented routine emerges. Most partners grow closer and learn to work as a team. Not for those in a narcissistic abuse cycle.
Instead, the narcissist affection fades as perceived perfection of their partner fades. For the narcissist, your value is how well you boost their own self-image and significance. Is your narcissistic partner putting you down or withholding intimacy? Do they flip things around and play the victim when you call them on their behavior?
It’s not all in your head.
Rejection Becomes Routine
Narcissists can’t reasonably, respectfully communicate and resolve their differences equitably. Rejection plays a big part of manipulating their partner. If you never measure up and feel at a loss as to how to stay in your partner’s good graces, your relationship is not good for you. Which is how a narcissistic partner prefers it.
What’s worse, if you don’t stop it, the abuse cycle will continue to do damage until you partner tires of it. They likely have a string of broken relationships, never realizing that they are the problem.
So… Can You Heal and Live Well Again?
Definitely! But it isn’t easy. Your partner’s manipulation is likely very thorough; thus, you’ll need the help of a professional.
How can therapist help?Learn How to Disarm Your Narcissistic Partner
Narcissists are fueled by reaction and conflict. This maintains the perception that you are the problem and they are the solution. To disarm a narcissist means maintaining the self-control that allows you to remain calm, self-confident, and capable of not feeding the drama. This is no easy feat when the narcissist in your life knows exactly what buttons to push to get a reaction out of you. Their jabs may infuriate you, rightly so, and make you want to explode. However, doing this only further empowers the narcissist and gives them ammunition to further the smear campaign against you. Your best solution is to remain calm, as impossible as it might seem, and therefore remain in control of the situation. Trauma therapy is an excellent resource to learn these skills and ones that your therapist can help you develop.
Learn to Set Firm Boundaries
Healing means setting boundaries. Holding to what you feel is physically or emotionally unacceptable is everything. However, if you grew up in a home where boundaries weren’t respected or landed in a relationship where you’ve been made to question yourself, this can be quite difficult. Boundary setting is easier said than done and require consistency and confidence in its implementation. You’ll need validation and support in recognizing your needs and limitations while also developing the strength to stand up for yourself. The consequences of this may include the narcissist in your life becoming more intense in his/her efforts to disparage and villainize you. This is the time to remain firm and consistent, but requires courage. Thus, your therapist can help you prioritize your needs and stay committed to them, while helping you determine how (or if) the relationship proceeds.
Experience Support Without an Agenda
Professional counseling is essential when coping with a narcissist. You need a safe, compassionate space. You deserve to be seen and heard. Narcissistic partners don’t provide that. In fact, vulnerability is a liability with a narcissist.
We’re here to provide help and hope. Please don’t suffer in silence. Read more about trauma therapy and reach out soon for a consultation.
#individual counseling#premaritalcounseling#couple counseling#mental health support#mentalheathawareness#marriage counseling
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Navigating Divorce: How to Cope with Disappointment and Grief
The disappointment and grief that comes with divorce can be both unexpected and overwhelming. And it most definitely is a struggle, to put it mildly, to navigate. And yet, we may also feel like divorce is not as deserving of grief as death, which we may feel is more worthy of bereavement and feeling the pain of loss. Why don’t we usually ascribe the same thought process or understanding to the end of a marriage?
Maybe because some of us may say “good riddance” and refuse ourselves the right to lament a bad situation. Perhaps some of us tend to lose ourselves in trauma and depression, unsure how to helpfully and hopefully move forward. We may be caught in the storm of the heartbreak, even if we know we’ve left an unhealthy or toxic situation. We tell ourselves that we should move forward and all the reasons that we should be thankful. However, most of us miss the fact that while being grateful, disappointment and grief must also be honored when a perceived future dies. It’s healthy to productively and intentionally make space for all the various and seemingly contradictory feelings that come up, and intentionally and productively let go.
But how?
Coping with the end of your marriage requires acceptance, emotional validation, and processing the past with a new future in mind. Regardless of the circumstances of your divorce, the transition takes time and effort to go on. It may feel impossible to get out from underneath the dark cloud and the weight of where you find yourself. You may not fully understand why it hurts so much even though you chose to leave. This is to be expected. You needn’t rush through it or feel ashamed. Give yourself the necessary attention and consider the following strategies to heal.
Allow Yourself to Accept the Possible Losses of Divorce
Divorce marks the end of a planned life with your partner. A life that you may have dreamt of for many years. It symbolizes the hopes and dreams that were not realized. This is the time you must accept that there may be a lifestyle, goals, relationships, and material things to mourn, which is part of your healing process. Just a few examples include:
Future dreams: This is a reality that often manifests over time and is often difficult to grasp the different ways your envisioned future will be affected.
Raising your family: Changing your perspective of family life and co-parenting is often very difficult. Splitting parenting time and walking kids through the changes can be challenging, but not impossible.
Home and location: Selling the family home, changing neighborhoods, or even moving in with parents may make losses even more stressful.
In-laws/extended family relationships: Your relationship with your former spouse’s family may change significantly or become strained. You may end up severing relationships which you enjoyed to create distance from your ex.
Social circles: It isn’t unusual for friends and coworkers to choose sides. You may also find yourself feeling like an outsider in familiar circles due to no longer being coupled. It may even be difficult to be around friends who you know while married. Eventually, you may end up mourning lost relationships.
Financial stability: Depending on your circumstances, certain financial arrangements and/or child support could significantly impact your lifestyle. You might have to figure out ways to support yourself or manage your finances that weren’t previously a thought.
Shared possessions: Dividing shared possessions may have a traumatizing effect. It’s normal to have a sentimental connection to various objects, and the idea of parting ways can add to the toll that everything else has already taken.
Intimacy: Being part of a couple, even amid difficulty, provided a sense of familiarity and comfort. There’s a comfort in the presence of another, even if just the physical warmth of a body to sleep next to. Being single can quite lonely at first, especially for those who feel emotionally nourished through touch.
Finally, for a time, you may lose a sense of yourself. It may feel like the rug got pulled from underneath you. You may feel lost, or perhaps drown yourself in work with each day feeling like a month as you go through the discomfort, pain, and confusion. Experiencing a decline in confidence, self-image, personal identity, and a sense of belonging is common and quite painful. You might mourn your hopes for finding lasting love in general. Navigating the changes will require taking time for yourself to pause and recalibrate with self-compassion, support, and patience.
Grieving Your Divorce is Validating and Productive
Grief is natural. Your divorce happened to you, and you have every right to notice its impact and to feel validated. You deserve time to process every emotion. This is a journey that much be taken, and has the potential and power to reveal much about you, your relationship, and your needs going forward. Everyone copes with the loss and transition of divorce differently.
No one grieves exactly the same way. That’s okay. You may feel the urge to push away the difficult feelings and deny yourself the necessary time to process everything you went through. Your loved ones may also encourage you to “move on” and friends may lovingly but forcibly pressure you “to get over it.” As well intentioned as your friends and family might be, remember that no one else can apply their timeline to your experience. Only you get to determine your own pace and process. The beauty of navigating your divorce with a therapist is that counseling because it provides a journey compassionately tailored to your healing.
Work Through Your Feelings
It can be really difficult, if not excruciating at times, to work through overwhelming emotions without help. There are court dates, custody arrangements, financial settlements, and more that get in the way of really sitting with your feelings. It may even feel like the adrenaline rush from these things keeps you going and pushing through. That’s understandable, but it can be mentally taxing in the long run.
Don’t push your feelings aside. Prioritize your mental health and self-care, and seek out supportive relationships to help you recover. The ability to productively self-soothe and connect with others can head off health problems, depression, and poor coping tendencies.
It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be angry. It might feel ironic, but accepting and working through all of your emotions will put the anxieties of your divorce in their proper place and further equip you to embrace whatever comes next.
You Are Not Alone
To maintain a healthy perspective, seek the comfort and support of an objective party. Sometimes, having the support of someone who is unrelated to you allows for s different perspective. Therapy can give you a safe space to reflect on the lessons of your past relationship. Sharing openly can foster key insights about your needs and wants. Taking a step back from disappointment may support a broader point of view and hope for your new path and may let you focus on the change in a positive way.
Grieving is often a natural precursor for moving into new life chapters. Let’s work together to reimagine your future. Read about individual therapy here and contact us soon for a consultation. Remember that you do not have to go through this alone.
#premaritalcounseling#individual counseling#couple counseling#family counseling#marriage counseling#mental health
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Obviously, for this recovery effort to succeed, the betrayed partner has to be certain the affair is completely done, never to be rekindled.
Recovery starts with atonement.
To start healing, atonement by the unfaithful partner must occur. The goal is not to immediately achieve forgiveness. Instead, the level of relationship damage and deep hurt is acknowledged and accepted. The betrayed partner is recognized and heard. Accountability and transparency are freely offered.
Conquering the “Four Horsemen” is key.
Dr. Gottman notes that overcoming relationship betrayal hinges on honest and productive conflict.
From there, it is crucial to tackle the destructive ways you communicate as well. Gottman calls them “The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse” and predictors of divorce. Thus, curing your relationship of 1) criticism 2) defensiveness 3) contempt and 4) stonewalling (refusal to communicate) restores connection effectively.
This is difficult without the guidance of a therapist. They can help you stay focused and aware of unproductive communication patterns. Still, with support, partners can become better listeners, learning to routinely connect emotionally. By developing the skills to calmly and productively discuss needs and soothe stress together, fondness and admiration can be established.
Deeper attachment occurs as pulling away becomes part of the past.
To make significant gains in your relationship after an affair, you must practice “turning towards” each other. According to Gottman’s research, trust, safety, and closeness regenerate as bids for attention are noticed and honored with responsiveness. Restoring positivity via affirmation, affection, and warmth are extremely important as you forge fresh memories and a stronger connection.
Allowing space for vulnerability as you to get to know each other again makes a future together more real and possible. Learning to “map” each other’s inner lives connects points of hope and history in each other’s worlds. It bonds you. Sharing, getting curious and connecting emotionally begin to lay a firmer relationship foundation. Over time, investment and intimacy in the relationship grow.
Also, appreciating each other’s efforts to recover and recommit will continue to solidify your connection.
Why Does Affair Recovery Matter?
You deserve to fully process the trauma of betrayal completely. You don’t deserve to constantly live with the fallout of hurt and shame connected to the affair. Taking the time to accept and steady your emotions is important and necessary.
You can both come through this season with calm and purpose. If understanding, forgiveness, and growth are possible, you deserve the opportunity to experience them. In addition, you may even find that deeper love results.
Affair Recovery Is Possible
Finally, in his book What Makes Love Last, Dr. Gottman proposes that committed couples can recover. Despite your current unhappiness, his research indicates that couples facing infidelity enjoy the same levels of satisfaction as other couples if they embrace proven recovery techniques. Affair recovery is worth the effort.
Don’t give up without trying therapy. We are here to help. Please read more about couples counseling and reach out soon for a consultation. Let’s see how we can work together to bring you and your partner peace of mind.
Learn more — https://havenmhc.com
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Your Adolescent’s Anxiety: 7 Signs to Look Out For
Is your teenager much less social than they used to be? Do they express deep concerns about being embarrassed or disliked? This could be a sign of anxiety. Pay close attention to their interactions with others. If they are withdrawn or lean heavily on you to interact for them, intervention may be necessary.
Routine Things Suddenly Feel Overwhelming
Does it seem your young person resists participation in the things they once enjoyed? Perhaps they feel worried about the pace of their progress in a sport or activity. Perhaps they were injured or sick and worry about returning to the activity. Maybe they feel ill-prepared to continue with a group or at a certain skill level.
As a result, your teen may avoid what they previously loved to do. This self-limiting behavior can lead to regrets later. If you sense that they miss or long to participate but hold themselves back, encourage them to share their worries. Then brainstorm ways to comfortably remain involved and build the skills or knowledge they need to face their fear.
New Experiences Seem Too Risky
Does your teen dig in their heels, suddenly change their mind, or require inordinate amounts of reassurance when trying something different? If their response seems overblown or they remain completely avoidant, it may be that a specific fears or phobias keep your child from seeking out new experiences.
A past trauma or major life transition can give rise to fears about trying new things. Pay attention to ways your teen’s life is becoming very closed off and hemmed in due to anxiety. Seek support and encourage communication to ensure they get to the root of their fears and they aren’t cemented as they move forward into adulthood.
Excitability or Irritability Are More Frequent
Unfortunately, anxiety is often linked to nervousness, negativity, and racing thoughts. This of course, has a detrimental impact on your teen’s developing brain and perceptions. This can lead to changes in your teen’s moods and self-image.
If your teens is anxious, they may behave in ways that seem reactive and “hyper” or irritable and surly. Pay attention to their interactions and the way others notice they are being treated by your child. Getting a handle on anxiety early can prevent bigger issues with recklessness, impulsivity, and depression down the line.
Sleep Does Not Come Easy
Anxiety and healthy sleeping patterns are often at odds. When night falls, many young people become laser focused on their concerns. If your teen is wired and active at night but very tired during the day, worry could be a problem.
Moreover, staying asleep through the night can become sources of worry in and of themselves. You may find that bedtime becomes a source of conflict and contention. Nightmares, late-night phone cellphone activity, or a desire to talk things through late at night may be frequent issues.
Helping Your Adolescent Manage Their Anxiety
Finally, it can be tough for teenagers to get a handle on anxiety on their own. Your teen needs you to provide context for their fears and resources for comfort and recovery. As a parent, reaching out to a therapist is often a good first step to ensure that you and your child make appropriate and productive choices early on.
If you suspect your teen is suffering from anxiety, please don’t hesitate to reach out for more information about teen counseling and contact us soon for a consultation.
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Indicators That You May Need to Heal From Attachment Wounds
The theory of attachment styles between parents and children has long been studied in psychology, education, and any field that deals with human development. The fact is that the implications of attachment theory impact each and every one us, not just in childhood, but into our adult years as well. At the very least, most of us can look back to how we were raised and how the habits, beliefs, and behaviors we have were shaped by our earliest caregivers. What we don’t always consider is how we dealt with the most difficult things: the criticism of a parent, the comparison with a sibling or others, the lack of availability of a caring adult when we needed one. Looking at such experiences, without necessarily blaming our parents or caregivers, is key in understanding the attachment wounding that has also shaped us. Left unaddressed, such wounding can have a major impact on various aspects of our life.
Do you know the signs of an unprocessed attachment wound? Perhaps you never knew to even consider that early pain was at the root of your difficulties with other people. The truth is, many people who are hurting, lonely, or struggling with insecurity are unaware that trauma in their earliest relationships is relevant.
What was your attachment to your primary caregivers like? If you find that you’re repeatedly troubled by connection, trust, and security issues with loved ones, it might be time to dig deeper into your past attachments.
Key Signs You Need to Heal from an Attachment Wound: Your Relationships are Damaged by Anxiety
Anxiety in relationships is a clear marker of attachment wounding. Many people have one of two common experiences. You live with the anxiety of getting too close. Or you live with the anxiety of not feeling close enough.
Worry, panic, rumination, and controlling behavior may result as you try to manage feelings of emotional suffocation or abandonment. As a result, attachment wounds can present as anxious-avoidant relationship behavior. You might become either the pursuer or distancer with the relationship partner becoming the opposite. This connection becomes problematic without at least one of you doing the work to become more secure.
Unhelpful Thoughts and Emotions Get in Your Way
Paying attention to the way you experience relationships internally is vital to healing your attachment wounds. The reality is relationships and negativity are linked together for you. Thus, you may need help from a therapist to uncover the depth to which your thoughts and feelings are impacted. However, you can start now trying to explore your thought patterns. Do the following happen in relationships?
Negative self-talk and self-criticism are ongoing in your relationships. You may punish yourself with thoughts of not being good enough, unlovable, or somehow at fault for not having healthy connections.
You have “trust issues.” Either you trust too easily or not at all. If you find that you are drawn to people who have already given you a good reason not to trust, an attachment wound may be at play. Similarly, not being able to trust, even in long-standing relationships with trustworthy people indicates early relationship trauma.
Relationships never live up to your ideals, hopes, or most positive beliefs. They succumb to negativity and a sense of unfulfillment.
Your Relationship History is Telling
A key indicator of attachment wounding is a history of unhealthy relationships. This can reveal itself in a variety of connections. As you look back, are any of the following true?
You distanced yourself or avoided relationships.
You constantly wanted or pursued a relationship.
Descriptors like “love or sex addiction” might characterize your past.
Looking back, you think of your family life as idyllic or perfect.
Looking back, you view your family life as a huge failure of neglect and disappointment.
Descriptors like “hurtful,” “abusive,” “indifferent,” and more characterize your earliest relationships.
You Cope with Relationship Pain Unproductively
Unaddressed, attachment wounds live on in various areas of your life. Think about how you’ve coped through the years. What you did to cope as a child or survive as a young person may be the same as the coping strategies you’re using now. Chances are they aren’t serving you well.
Often attachment wounds lead to coping via substance abuse, eating disorders, or the development of anxiety disorders. It’s worth examining the roots of these issues if you are suffering.
Seek Out A Therapeutic Relationship to Heal
Finally, a difficult childhood, due to unmet relational needs, can seem so unfair. Similarly, difficult adult relationships, due to unresolved attachment pain, don’t have to continue. Whether you’ve been afraid, angry, or simply avoiding the past, you deserve better. Allow yourself a future free of attachment wounds.
A relationship with a compassionate and qualified therapist is important in helping you embrace more fulfilling and beneficial personal relationships. To heal well and fully is possible with commitment and support. We are here for you. Please read more about trauma therapy and contact us soon for a consultation.
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Couples Navigating Post Pandemic Life: Masks Off…?
With vaccinations becoming increasingly available and restrictions being lifted, many are rejoicing at the prospect of leaving their bubble to brave this new post-pandemic world. For couples, this new terrain can result in some unexpected bumps in the road.
When the world shut down, many couples had to adjust to seeing their significant other 24/7, while others had to make do with just a few hours of connection through a screen. Almost a year and a half into the pandemic, partners who have survived the upheaval are facing yet again a new set of changes to navigate.
These changes can include shifting work schedules, relocation, revamping halted wedding plans or disrupted vacations. Most notably, the time previously spent with one another is bound to undergo a dramatic shift.
“Couple Time” might have to be re-imagined
No longer forced to be either separated nor together, the new freedom to socialize as one pleases comes with the responsibility of setting time apart for you and your partner to connect. With increasing opportunities made available to spend time apart, one partner may be more reluctant than the other to come out of the relational cocoon. The increased proximity during the pandemic may have brought with it a welcome sense of intimacy and attachment during that dark and uncertain time. Leaving the bubble may be seen as a threat to this quality time spent with your loved one.
For others, social distancing created a buffer from the unwelcome pressures of family and friends on your relationship. Re-entering the world means a re-opening of the relationship to a deluge of opinions on child-rearing, house buying, and career choices that quite frankly you likely aren’t asking for. Without established boundaries and clearly communicated expectations, you may find yourself feeling quickly overwhelmed.
Couples may not be aligned about the risks they are willing to assume publicly
The issue of public health is yet another topic needed to be worked through. Differing opinions on vaccines, masks, returning to work and socializing can cause emotions to run high. One partner may feel less comfortable socializing with individuals who have not been vaccinated while the other may be unwilling to be vaccinated and prefer to continue social distancing. Couples that met during quarantine may be taken aback by these discovered differences in their worldview of health, individuality and social responsibility. Couples should prepare for this learning phase by having intentional conversations about expectations surrounding their decision to reemerge or retreat.
So, how are couples supposed to adjust?
First, do not take anything for granted. Make the time and space for ongoing discussions about your partner’s comfort levels when it comes to taking health risks, different vaccination statuses, and separation anxiety. While these conversations may pose difficulty, it is important to approach one another from a place of curiosity and a willingness to understand despite a possible difference of opinion.
For those who have had a positive quarantine experience, talk about how you can restructure life to preserve the more enjoyable aspects of the past year together. For couples who have struggled, this may be the time to start processing past hurts and grievances that had been too sensitive to work through in a confined space.
Regardless of your experience, there will be new norms to get used to and navigate. It’s easy to fall out of touch or become overwhelmed when there’s such uncertainty and stress levels go up, but this is also the most important time and opportunity to work through the stress as a team. One way of doing that is by setting aside time to discuss what is stressing you out both individually and as a couple.
For every situation, there will be a range of emotions to experience and learn from. Remember that for every experience, there is usually a lot more under the surface than we ourselves realize. If it feels like you’re stuck or struggling to get through these times, an experienced mental health counselor can be of assistance. With compassion, guidance and understanding, together, we can grow through the adversity. to get started!
Learn more at https://havenmhc.com
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Feeling Safe Inside: The Value of Body-centered Trauma Therapy
Sometimes the hardest thing to do when you’re feeling hurt or unhappy is to pick up the phone and reach out for help. Often times it can feel like talking about what’s wrong is just too difficult, stressful or triggering. Perhaps you’ve spoken to someone before, even a therapist, and it left you feeling somehow incomplete, tense, or “stuck.”
If it feels like talking about your problems leaves you feeling worse, it might be that you’ve experienced trauma. It’s important to know that when we experience trauma, there can be a disconnect between our thoughts and our bodies. This is how we are wired to survive: by mobilizing and/or immobilizing in a way that turns off our rational thinking and puts us into fight, flight, freeze, or feigned death. In these moments, we are adapting quickly, whether to a car accident or physical abuse, or social exclusion in a way that allows us to get through that situation. Unfortunately, the disconnect that occurs can continue to be there for much longer, resulting in behaviors or attitudes that impede or otherwise negatively impact our life.
Finding a way to connect the response of our brain and body by bridging what we can accept mentally and absorb physically is extremely powerful, deep, and lasting. This is why therapies that combine your awareness of traditional psychotherapy and your physical body are often a more deeply rooted, satisfying, and effective way to heal and move forward.
The Value of Body-Centered Trauma Therapy
Traumatic experiences can often leave a person with symptoms that are frequently left unaddressed by more traditional therapies. Most of the time, talk-therapy focuses on the emotional and behavioral aspects of trauma. Those areas are accessed and addressed via your thoughts. Generally, they get the most attention and validation. While this is helpful and comforting, it does not address the areas of the brain that are activated during traumatic events, potentially leaving you with the unresolved confusing imagery, stuck sensations, and a lack of clarity regarding your self-perception.
Body-centered (somatic) therapy links the healing elements of verbal sharing with the power of bodily relief. It allows you to work through not only the thoughts and underlying beliefs that have resulted from the trauma, but accesses the healing capacity of the brain and body to develop a deeper, more felt sense of internal safety. The body, which holds the memories of our pain, sorrow, and fear becomes the means through which we work towards peace, calmness, hope, and happiness. Trauma therapy is rooted in working with the wisdom of the body to work through the past without re-traumatization and future growth.
Body-centered trauma therapy supports bodily awareness.
When unresolved trauma exists, it can show up as symptoms rather than memories. I’ve had a number of clients share their difficulties in day to day life without conscious recollection of their trauma. However, as therapy progresses, we are able to collaboratively recognize the impact of past hurts on a present day life that doesn’t feel satisfactory. Some of these symptoms include, but aren’t limited to:
Emotional overwhelm
Feelings of hopelessness, shame, worthlessness
Panic attacks
Depression, anxiety and/or irritability
Loss of a sense of self
Little or no memories
Hypervigilance or mistrust
Symptoms of trauma can also manifest physically. Some physical symptoms can include, but aren’t limited to:
Weakened immune function
Sexual dysfunction
Digestive difficulties
Unexplained physical pain or muscle tension
Hormonal imbalances
Eating Disorders or addiction
Chronic pain and/or headaches
You can see that overcoming trauma is not just a matter of controlling your thoughts. Trauma also creates continuing, internal tensions. Somatic therapy helps you tune into your breath, posture, and more to learn how your trauma is being held in your body and how you are being physically affected by the past.
Body-centered therapy helps you “reset”.
When trauma is experienced, the natural instinct to defend yourself cannot be carried out. The associated internal energy once meant to protect you, can become stuck and turn into maladaptive coping.
To recover, it is necessary to process the survival response inside ourselves. Sometimes, the traumas we experience happen so early in life that our physical sensations or tension seem normal. Sometimes the traumas we experience are the result of repeated and sometimes ongoing offenses and because trauma is stored in the body, it can often be difficult to put it into words and share it verbally. Somatic modalities of therapy recognize the myriad of ways that trauma impacts us in how we think, feel, act, engage with the world around us and how our physical bodies continue such patterned behaviors as a protective measure, even if it is no longer serving us. Body centered counseling allows us to uncover, access, and reset our responses in ways that we may not initially realize are related.
Body-centered therapy provides the skills to move forward
The goal of somatic therapy is not only to cultivate a deep level of healing, but to bring forward your innate wisdom and capacity to better manage stress and maintain a healthy mind-body connection. A commitment to trauma sensitive counseling leads to a renewed commitment to yourself through which you can master methods to self-soothe, feel grounded, and connect with your spiritual self as well. We all have the capacity to heal, cope, and grow. Trauma therapy taps into this capacity to foster resiliency and optimism as we move ahead.
Take the Next Step
The value of body-centered therapy is well worth the time and effort. By addressing shame and self criticism with compassion and curiosity, we can learn how these parts of ourselves are trying to help, and learn new, more effective ways of being. Most importantly, somatic work shows you that can live completely free of your trauma.
If this type of therapy interests you, please read more about trauma therapy to set up a consultation. Let us help you re-set the connection between your mind and body.
Finally, if you would like support, please contact us for a consultation to learn about how we can help you.
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On COVID, Kids, and Building Resilience
COVID-19 has changed every aspect of how we live, work, and relate to one another. It has created a stressor that we had never imagined and will influence the trajectories of our future. As adults, many of us have been scrambling to adjust, work from home, parent children who are always, and I mean always around, all while trying not to catch the virus. In such novel circumstances, it may be easy to overlook just how grave the impact of this is on our children. They were ripped away from their peers, their playdates, their entire social world, without notice or preparation. The pandemic has taken away their sense of structure, routine, and physical activity. Over time, these losses may exacerbate issues surrounding their mental health and wellness, unless the means are taken to properly equip them with the awareness and tools to successfully manage their emotions. Doing so would be a strong step in the path to developing resilience.
The challenges we face today can be utilized to develop resilience and emotional intelligence. To build resilience, we need to be aware of and learn to regulate our emotions, thoughts, behaviors, and relationships. This ability is at the core of facing challenges with curiosity and strength rather than panic and overwhelm.
As adults, we are tasked not only with caring for our own mental health, but facilitating the means to help our children develop healthy ways of recognizing and managing their emotions as well. Child and youth mental health has long been undervalued. We now have to stand up to ensure that we recognize the support that our children need and provide the opportunities for them to receive it. Doing so will allow our children to shift from survival to resilience and emerge from the current crisis with an increased capacity to bounce back from difficulty.
Haven MHC will be running 2 groups for children ages 8–11 to develop these skills. For more information, check out our youth groups page.
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SESSIONS
We offer both 50 and 60 minute sessions. Rates vary depending on the duration of the session.
We offer both face-to-face and/or telehealth sessions. We are also happy to provide a free 10–15 minute phone consultation to help you to determine if we are the right match for you.
RATES
$75-$250 (depending on clinician and duration of service)
INSURANCE
We are out-of-network therapists, meaning we do not work directly with insurance companies. Our clients pay us out of pocket.
At the start of each month, clients can log into our secure client portal to obtain their itemized “superbill,” which acts as a receipt and can be directly submitted to insurance companies for reimbursement. Clients can also opt to have the “superbill” emailed to them at the start of each month.
Services may be covered in full or in part by your health insurance or employee benefit plan. To learn more about what your plan will and will not cover, give your insurance company a call and ask them to explain your out-of-network mental health benefits. Please check your coverage carefully by asking the following questions:
Do I have mental health insurance benefits?
What is my deductible and has it been met? (In other words, how much will you be required to pay before they begin to reimburse you?)
What percentage of therapy fees will they cover?
How many sessions per year does my health insurance cover?
Are there any limits on coverage or types of therapy (e.g., video therapy, group therapy, couples therapy)?
What is the coverage amount per therapy session?
Is approval required from my primary care physician?
What are the steps involved in submitting a superbill receipt for reimbursement?
REDUCED FEE
Reduced fee services are available on a limited basis.
CANCELLATION POLICY
We request a minimum of 24 hours for all cancellations. Late cancellation fees may be waived if it is possible to reschedule that appointment for the same week.
Please be aware that insurance companies will not reimburse you for missed session fees. If you do not show up for your scheduled therapy appointment and/or you have not given 24 hour advance notice for the cancellation, you will be required to pay the full cost of the session.
Once a weekly appointment has been set, expect to meet with your therapist at that time every week unless you or your therapist alert the other of a need to cancel or reschedule.
CONTACT
Questions? Please contact us for further information.
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I often find that conversations around mental health are actually geared towards managing mental illness or at the very least, struggles that interfere with developing mental health. As humans we often get so caught up in the everyday hustle of life that our mental health only becomes a topic when it is at stake. However, we live in a time where mental health concerns are on the rise, especially among the youth. I believe it would do us well to be as concerned with proactively developing strengths as we are with managing weakness. If we build strong roots and develop the potential of our communities while also addressing the needs of those in distress, it may serve us better in the long run. Fortunately, there’s already been a lot of work done in this arena under the label of positive psychology.
By focusing on what is right with people and working to develop character strengths, we can build upon and further expand the foundations that allow for a good life. A life in which problems will continue to exist and life’s demands will continue to be upon us. But what if we could develop internal resources that make these things more manageable, while also recognizing and accepting our weaknesses alongside our strengths?
My interest in this topic brings me to look deeper into character strengths and how we might be able to develop them. I hope to look at things like the love of learning, wisdom, integrity, kindness, fairness, mercy, modesty, gratitude, hope, and others to enhance my own understanding of how to develop these traits and I would love to take you on the journey with me! Let me know your thoughts, comments, or questions below!
Learn more at https://havenmhc.com
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On The Grief for What Could Have Been
A friend recently asked me what the remedy is for the pain from a recently failed potential relationship. Two people who are getting to know each other, things seem like they are going well, and then there’s a fizzle followed by that sickening feeling of knowing that something that felt like it could work had slipped through your fingers. Follow this with some self blame, maybe some anger, lots of questions, and ultimately, lots of sadness.
I don’t know if both people go through the pain equally, or if it’s one sided at times. I do know that the pain is intense. My friend mentioned that the person who had just gone through this experience was a proactive person: fit, healthy, working a great job, and active in the community. However, these wonderful distractions were falling short and were not numbing the pain and grief of the loss for what could have been.
We live in a culture of quick fixes and instant gratification. However, when it comes to difficult emotions related to things like grief, pain, betrayal, or loss, there is no quick fix. There is only time. Distractions may help, but ultimately we have to face our inner most selves and allow the hurt to be given its due process. It’s not an easy feat, but in order to move forward in a healthier way, it is necessary.
In her Ted Talk on vulnerability (one of my favorites), Brene Brown mentions that we are one of the most addicted, obese, and in debt adult cohorts in American history. We use distractions, drugs, food, and overfilled schedules as a means of placating our pain and delude ourselves into thinking it is gone when in fact all we have done is numb ourselves. Brene Brown also points out that we cannot numb the difficult emotions without in turn also numbing the positive emotions of happiness and joy. To me, that’s the scariest part of this whole thing.
So my answer to dealing with the hurt? Allow it to be. Give it time. The follow up question to this was “How can one distract themselves from their thoughts of what never came to be?” I would say that sometimes you can’t. And as a matter of fact, sometimes you shouldn’t. One of the most common complaints that I get from clients in therapy is not about the sadness they feel, but more so about the inability to feel happiness. I believe this is linked to the fact that we cannot selectively numb emotions. Only when we allow ourselves the experience of difficult emotions can we create the capacity for and fully embrace positive emotions.
Learn more at https://havenmhc.com
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Getting Started: On Connection
So, how do we nurture healthy relationships?
It’s taken me a long time to learn how to speak my truth and be honest about my feelings when the going gets tough. It can be scary and sometimes require more vulnerability than I’m comfortable with. But I know that it is absolutely necessary if I want to build authentic relationships.
People often say that relationships suffer because people don’t know how to communicate well. I’d argue that the problem goes even deeper in that we often don’t know ourselves well enough to communicate authentically. Emotions can be confusing, especially because we often run from uncomfortable emotions like sadness, anxiety, and pain to safer but more destructive defaults like anger and shutting down.
Ignorance is not bliss. If we don’t take the time to explore our difficult emotions we run the risk of forgoing our mental health and the health of our relationships. Additionally, if we don’t work towards creating homes where families express their love, share meals, and even fight sometimes, we run the risk of disconnection. I often see families and couples who love each other deeply but cannot manage to share what is in their hearts. Recognizing the need to speak our truth is the first step in repairing and healing. If we don’t do so, our emotional and mental well being will undoubtedly become a casualty.
Learn more at https://havenmhc.com
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In order to prepare for your Telehealth session, you will require a device with a camera, microphone, and a secure internet connection in a private space for your session. At our practice, we utilize a HIPAA compliant platform, which we will share with you when you schedule your appointment with us.
Benefits of Telehealth
Telehealth is beneficial for a number of reasons. In addition to the convenience, it provides access for anyone who may have limited mobility or means to come to in person sessions. Those who feel uncomfortable in public places or struggle to communicate face-to-face. We understand it can be difficult to take time off from your busy schedule and Telehealth can eliminate your commute, especially if you are scheduled to see your therapist often. Also, if you are sick and are scheduled for an appointment, Telehealth allows you to still keep your scheduled session without risking your health and interrupting your care. Telehealth also provides access to those within NY who don’t reside in close proximity to our office.
Is Telehealth Safe?
We guarantee that your Telehealth sessions will only be between you and your therapist. We will also make sure that your appointment is compliant with HIPAA regulations and ensures patient privacy.
Will all of my appointments be online?
We will offer both online and in-person appointments. Please let us know your preference when scheduling so we can ensure that we are providing you with your needs.
Note: During the COVID-19 pandemic, Haven Mental Health Counseling has moved all appointments to Telehealth only. We look forward to seeing patients in-person again when it is safe and we will share that information with you when the time comes.
How do I get started with Telehealth?
Please do not hesitate to contact us to schedule your Telehealth appointment or consultation with one of our therapists. We look forward to providing you with care and walking with you on your journey!
Learn more at https://havenmhc.com.
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Getting engaged and preparing for marriage is both exciting and daunting. It’s a time where we often expect changes in our life, but are sometimes unprepared for the emotional challenges that will come with those changes. Research has shown that the average couple struggles with relationship strain for 6 years before seeking help!
Premarital counseling gives you the opportunity to explore issues that are already present or may come up in a safe environment. We also discuss communication strategies that work when the going gets tough. This process is formulated to help couples embarking on their lives together an opportunity to learn about each other and develop the internal resources and tools to navigate through difficult times when they arise.
I utilize the SYMBIS (Save Your Marriage Before It Starts) assessment in premarital counseling sessions. This provides me, the therapist, and the couple with a comprehensive understanding of the strengths, challenges, and expectations that each partner is bringing into the relationship. It allows us to engage in conversations where you both can learn about each other and how to improve and strengthen the dynamics of your relationship in a practical manner.
Learn more — https://havenmhc.com/
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