heartsofstrangers

[heartsofstrangers]

[heartsofstrangers]

What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

“I think it’s right now living here in America, far away from my family, my boyfriend, my country, from everything I used to live for my past twenty-three years. I am here in a new world, only for a month. It’s hard because I have to spend a full year here. I’m trying to make it easy, if I can say that.”

What brought you to the United States?

“I came here because I graduated in May and they asked me if I wanted to work at Yale School of Medicine. I said yes because I thought it was a good opportunity for me—this job—for my cultural development. I am currently working as a researcher.”

What was that point like in your life when you were deciding to come to the United States for a year?

“I was excited because in my mind I only saw the United States in pictures and videos. It’s all like heaven here; I don’t know why they think that. I was scared because I would be alone, and I knew that, but I wanted to try because if I didn’t try I couldn’t say I liked it or I didn’t like it. If I never came here, maybe at some point in my life, I would regret it. I preferred to not be happy at the end, but at least I did it, and not coming here, feeling worse because I never came here. Does that make sense?”

You must have had to have conversations with your friends and family.

“I decided by myself and said yes. I talked to everybody because it’s a great opportunity that would come once in a life to work at Yale. I said yes because of the big opportunity. I knew in my mind that my family and everyone who knows me would be okay with the decision, so I wasn’t afraid to say yes.”

What was your biggest fear coming to the United States for a year?

“It was to be getting shot, because everyone is allowed to have a gun here. In Italy, it’s not allowed. Everyone told me not to go in that part of the city because it’s dangerous because everyone has a gun, but I know the limits to where I can and can’t walk. If I walk in a dangerous part of Rome or Milan, I am safe 100 percent because I know for sure they don’t have a gun. If they are crazy or aggressive, I can protect myself better because they are harmless. I think giving guns to people is increasing the dangers, even in a small way. Everyone has the same power to kill somebody and it is scary for me. Every time I walk around, I am looking with like fifty eyes behind and ahead. I just walk and don’t annoy anyone because I’m afraid. It’s sad to say, but it’s the idea I have because they told me that New Haven is a dangerous place to stay and I idealized in my mind because everyone has a gun and everyone is able to damage people.”

I’m sure you must have seen news coverage of all the shootings, not just in New Haven, but all over the US.

“Yeah, I know.”

Shooters coming into schools, movie theaters, and concerts. How is that looked at from your standpoint being from Italy?

“It’s something that, I don’t know, because in Italy and in all of Europe, it’s not something you think about at all. Of course, there is terrorism and stuff like that. It’s one mad person in one thousand people. Here, you can give a gun to anybody, so everybody can have a gun. It makes no sense because if you shoot a person, you go to jail, but you are allowed to have a gun at home, for what? To defend yourself? From who? Anyone who has a gun? Just don’t give a gun and everyone will live in a safe way, and no one will worry about going out of their house and going out to have fun with their friends.”

Is your family concerned for your safety with you being here?

“Yes, they are very worried, but I told them that it’s all okay. I only go out of my house during the week to go to work. I hope I’m not in danger. I hope for me, for them, and everybody that knows me.”

Where did you grow up in Europe?

“In Italy, in Sardinia. It’s an island. It’s the second island of Italy. I lived in Sardinia. It is a quiet place to stay. It’s different from the rest of Italy because it’s isolated, so we are in a little world to ourselves. We are surrounded by beaches and the sea. We are a summer paradise for the full year, even when it’s winter. We are more quiet people. There are no big cities. Compared to the big cities in Italy, it’s a small world. It’s a quiet island. Maybe because I grew up there, I see everything bigger and everything is too much.”

How old were you when you left that town or that place?

“It was last month.”

Oh, it was last month. So, you grew up there and stayed there?

“Yes. I stayed for five years in the main city, but I’m from a little town on the west coast of Sardinia.”

Do you have brothers and sisters?

“No, I’m an only child. Maybe that’s why my family is so worried about me.”

What was growing up like for you?

“I grew up okay.”

What do your parents do?

“My dad drives trucks all around the island for shops. My mom is a, how do you say it? Not an architect, but like an architect.”

Is she a designer?

“The people who draw all the plans for houses and buildings, but not an architect. The one who only draws.”

A draftsman? A quantity surveyor . . . hmm. She draws the blueprints for architects.

“Yes.”

That’s an important job.

“I think it was most important in the past, but not now.”

Is she doing it on the computer now?

“No, I think she’s not doing it anymore because she left that job, and now she stays home.”

So, you’re in a relationship, right? You were in a relationship before you came here. What is his name?

“Luca.”

How did you meet Luca?

“In the library at my university where we were studying. We became friends first, then we stayed together, and now it’s been two and one-half years.”

What attracted you to Luca?

“His kindness. His eyes. His face. Everything. His body. His soul. His heart. Everything that makes me understand that he loves me. Everything.”

Did you talk to him first or did he talk to you first?

“I don’t’ remember, but I think we saw each other and said hi at the same time, and then we began to talk. It was kind of a natural thing to know people. At first, he was not my boyfriend, he was just my friend. I wasn’t thinking about it. It was easier to know a new boy at the beginning.”

Had you had boyfriends before that?

“Yes, but not serious ones.”

Do your parents know that you’re homosexual?

“Yes.”

What was that like, having that conversation?

“My mom always knew. She wanted to force it out of me and she would say, you have something to say, feel free to say it, and I said that I had nothing to say. I never spoke about it with my dad, but he knows and I know he loves me. He’s a quiet person and doesn’t talk too much. My mom just loves me. They know my boyfriend, so it’s okay.”

It must have been difficult to be in a relationship for that amount of time and then to put it on pause, put many miles between it, at least.

“It’s not on pause. We call each other every day and we text all day, every day. If I don’t think about the distance, it’s not so difficult to accept. The worst thing to accept is the lack of time because there is a six-hour difference. When I get out of work and I want to call him, I can’t because he’s already sleeping, because it’s too late there and we aren’t on the same time. So, that’s the most difficult thing I guess, not only the distance. We have to organize it to call each other. Sometimes he’s busy and I’m free, or I’m busy and he’s free, so there’s no common time. If we were on the same time, we would be free at the same hours and it would be easier.”

Are you able to Facetime?

“Yes. Facetime, Skype, Whatsapp, everything.”

Do you have any fears about your relationship withstanding a year apart?

“No, because I trust him and he trusts me. So, no, but it’s not a year. I will go back to Italy for Christmas. It will be like a deep breath inside the waiting room. I want to spend many days over the holidays because I want to spend most of them with him. Of course, with my family also, but my first thought is him.”

So, you’re not scared because you trust each other. Did you just naturally trust him or was it something the two of you built together somehow?

“Both. We tell each other everything and, at the beginning, of course, it was different than now. I can say that I love him more than yesterday and I trust him more than yesterday, and tomorrow maybe I will love and trust him more than today. It’s something that’s growing, and you have to build it together, not in one direction because it would be useless without an endpoint. I can say that I’m happy with him and we are both waiting to be together again. After, we will be stronger together for sure, and our relationship will be more beautiful than now. That is my wish and what I hope.”

What do you think the secret is to building trust?

“Not to have secrets between you and your partner. Just tell them everything and if you want to say something, just be honest and ask, and try to find a compromise if there is . . . maybe you have opposite thoughts. It’s not a yes or a no, but you have to find a maybe. It’s not black or white. You have to find your gray. The important thing is that you both have to stay happy. If one is not happy, you don’t do anything and everything, because it’s useless and it will affect your relationship because it’s only one way. You have to be secure, both of you, and be happy at the same level, not one more than the other.”

Do you think it’s your responsibility to make the other person happy in a relationship?

“Yes, he’s happy because I am what I am. I’m not doing anything special. I feel flattered at the same time and I feel free to be me because I know that he’s happy and he always tells me.”

So, just being yourself and making sure that you’re happy benefits your relationship.

“Yes.”

That makes sense.

“Otherwise he will not be in love with me, but with someone else.”

If you stop being true to yourself and doing what makes you happy, you’ll be unhappy, which will make the relationship not balanced, and then the other person will not be attracted to what they were initially attracted to.

“Yes.”

That makes sense. So, you came here to the States. How long have you been here so far?

“A month.”

What’s one of the most difficult things that you’re finding in this first month of being here?

“Food”.

What do you mean?

“I can’t find some foods here that I easily find in Italy. If I find them, they have a different taste. They are not the same. Maybe the lack of friends, cultural things, like when you go out for the weekend, you do something that you don’t do in Italy because you think it may be in the afternoon, not in the night. It’s a cultural thing. It’s hard to explain. I have to find out this thing because it’s only a month. Maybe I will discover more, if I stay more. The impression of a small town. Maybe if I go to New York City, it will be totally different on the weekends and during the nights. Maybe there are more opportunities that I don’t find in a small town.”

Are you finding it challenging to make friends here? What is that experience like for you?

“Yeah. I am trying to make friends. Unfortunately, I have to go through the app because it’s the fastest way to find someone that has your interests, but I have to say that there are more people interested in dates than finding someone to hang out with. They want to hook up and not make friends, and if you say I am looking for friends, they will not respond to you because it’s not for that app. You have to say okay, whatever, next. It’s a sad way to make friends, because you are choosing the people you want to be your friends only for the esthetics. If you want to make friends, you have to give everybody a chance, but it’s difficult. I hope maybe I will be introduced to someone through one person and then it will go easy. It’s what I hope for me. I want to meet someone I can trust, and then he will introduce me to his friends, and then I will meet people in a sure way. It’s the common way to know people.”

What are some of the ways you cope with going through this transition in your life when you may be feeling lonely or homesick? How do you cope with that?

“How can I avoid this?”

How do you make yourself feel better when you’re experiencing that?

“I just call my boyfriend. I put some music in my ears. I go to YouTube and search for funny videos, and I sleep. Maybe I go to work and just think about the work, but it can be okay for the week. On the weekend, when you’re not seeing anyone at work and you’re alone at your house, your thoughts speak for you and it’s too much to handle, so you have to be more strong when you’re lonely. I think you have to fight back.”

What advice would you offer to somebody else who may be going through a big change in their life or about to make a big change in their life, say to move to another state, to a new country, or to take a new opportunity? If someone you knew was about to experience a big change, what would you suggest to them?

“To be strong. To cry when he or she wants to cry because it’s liberating. Accept the new life, take and find all the positive things you are able to find. Live your new life and enjoy everything. If you feel sad, listen to your favorite music, go for a walk, or maybe go to the gym or run to avoid bad thoughts and focus on something you like. I think it will be only the first period, and it will get easier, and you will not realize that you are staying in the new country. The time just flies away.”

You mentioned music a few times. Is there a particular kind of music that comforts you?

“Yes.”

What is it?

“Pop music.”

Pop music? Any artist in particular?

“Yes. Lady Gaga.”

Why Lady Gaga?

“Because if you look at the lyrics of her songs, they are meaningful, liberating, and they set you free every time you hear her songs. I can hear her songs a thousand times, and I cannot be tired ever. I watch her videos, concerts, and DVDs, and I am more happy than before. I think she’s a great artist, and she doesn’t realize it. Maybe she thinks she’s only doing music, but she’s not. I can be thankful to her because it’s good to have someone who doesn’t know you and is doing a lot for you, and doesn’t even know it, doing a thing that is natural for her—singing, I mean. It’s something that can make your bad thoughts go away. I can be thankful to her for that. Music, in general, every kind of music, can set you free, and you can be more confident with your new life and situation.”

Do you think music can help you connect to your feelings and emotions?

“Yes, of course.”

Are you learning anything about yourself over this past month or so?

“Yes. In my person, I can say that yes, maybe I have to be more patient, more strong, and I am learning that life is not easy. I am experiencing maybe not the worst, but the most difficult way to live a new life. I mean, I just graduated, I’m away from my family, working a job away from my country, and living alone here. If I ever found a job in Italy, maybe it would be easier, even if it was far away from my family, because it would only be a one-hour flight from home. But, I’m on the opposite side of the world and, if I want to go home, if I want to go tomorrow, I can’t because it’s too expensive and you need more organization to do that. You have to think about when you want to go and, of course, you can’t go when you want because you are working here, so you have your standard days so you can’t just go away from work. I want this work and I don’t want to mess up things because I want to go home. The time will come when I can go home. It’s not too much time, it’s just five months. The first month just passed. I am staying for a year and I want to break this year into two, going back to Italy for Christmas. I can handle it; it’s not forever.”

It’s a good way to look at it.

“Yeah.”

It sounds like you will appreciate being back home even more so, having done this.

“Yes, maybe I will miss something that I don’t have here and I have every time there and I didn’t realize it. Maybe I will look at something I’m just not giving the right attention to. I think it will happen.”

Do you have a favorite song lyric from one of Lady Gaga’s songs that is meaningful to you?

“Yes. Maybe at this time in this period, the song, Marry in the Night, because it’s difficult to accept your dark times and you just have to marry them. One lyric says ‘I’m a soldier to my own emptiness. I am a winner.’ It gives you power. If Gaga did that or maybe she passed through it before me, maybe it concerned her, I don’t know. I can translate these lyrics in my situation and just fight for that, and my darkness and my night. I will do it. Maybe, I’ll be more powerful than now.”

So, there’s strength in embracing your darkness.

“Yes. Not only be surrounded by the darkness, but accept it and make your own light if you accept it. I think you have to find your own light inside and fight back this darkness. It’s not a darkness . . . I’m speaking like it’s a bad thing, but it’s a different thing that scares me. I want to fight back and become a winner, and be more confident the next time I come to the USA about the life here and everything. Now, I am looking because I’m surrounded by feelings, and it’s not so bad at all. I have to discover things, yes, to improve myself.”

How has it felt to share these thoughts and feelings with me today?

“Liberating, yes.”

Do you think that by sharing these thoughts and feelings with me today, knowing that someone else may read or hear this, you could be bringing someone else some hope or inspiration?

“I hope for them, yes, and I am thankful if I can, yes. I hope.”

#sexulaity #loneliness #connection #foreign

[heartsofstrangers]

What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

“I think, to date, probably coming out to my parents and family has been the most challenging thing for sure.

Tell me about that.

“I did it at age thirty-five and, in the back of my mind, I thought it would be scripted. I thought it would have a sit-down meeting, it would go as planned, and that’s not how it happened at all. I was going through some issues in the gay community and, being very close to my parents, it sucked not to be able to call them and talk to them about it. I was driving down the Loop on the way back to work, and I had this overwhelming feeling, it was like I was on autopilot, and I just picked up the phone and let it fly. Leading up to that point, that was obviously something I thought about every day, living a double life, sort to speak, which is tough, especially when you’re close to your family.”

What kind of toll did that take on you, mentally and physically?

“In retrospect, I wasn’t living my authentic self. Part of that was corporate America, I wasn’t happy. I had great relationships with friends, but personal relationships, dating-wise, it was kind of interesting because I was happy but, at the same time, I wasn’t. I was living a duality.”

What do you think kept you in the closet for so long?

“Fear. Everybody who’s close to me and know my parents very well knew it wasn’t going to be as big as I always made it out to be. Also, I think I had internal struggles with other things that prevented me as well.”

Like what?

“Other demons that were hiding in the closet with me. I was sexually abused as a child twice. The first time, I was three or four, and the second time, I was eleven. It was in a Boy Scout setting. The first time didn’t resurface until the second time it happened, because I didn’t understand what was going on the first time. I still think about it daily. I’ve always been asked the question if being sexually abused turned me gay. I don’t believe that at all. I believe that you’re gay, it’s the way you’re born. It’s a genetic thing. It certainly didn’t help growing up that way. It was almost as if when I came out of the closet, I was born again and shed everything that I was holding onto in the past. It’s helped. It’s not like it’s gone, but I have a different relationship with it. Getting to know my demons versus keeping them in the closet, understanding them and developing a relationship with them.”

It sounds like it’s changed the dynamic of the relationship you have with your demons. Would you still consider them demons at this point, now that you’ve accepted them?

“They’re more like life experiences. Demonizing your demons is still looking at them in a negative way (and it was a negative experience), but if you don’t love your demons, you’re never going to fully embrace them because that’s who you are. I am myself today because of the experiences I’ve had in the past, as is everyone else. Coming out to my parents was the hardest thing, but also the best thing. I tend to have duality in my life always.”

How so?

“I don’t know if it’s being a Gemini, but there’s always a duality to everything I do. It’s not always black and white.”

How did the sexual abuse impact your childhood?

“I had an idyllic childhood growing up on a farm, great family, there’s the duality again, but then I had issues with intimacy and touch. I still struggle with that today. I’ll never forget, I loved basketball growing up and my parents sent me to this basketball camp. Every year, I’d be excited to go and the year after it happened the second time, I was there for two days and had to come home. Being intimate with coaches patting me on the back freaked me out. It was very uncomfortable. That’s the first time I personally realized the impact it was having. I joke that I went to Catholic school and learned about discrimination at a very young age, being non-Catholic in a Catholic school. That was kind of a blessing because I developed thick skin. I had to in order to protect myself in a Catholic school. That carried over into life. I would say the biggest impact it had was on intimacy. There was anger. I would bully kids. It was me lashing out with my anger. Thankfully, that went away. I would say, in retrospect, that was where that came from. That was during a time when everything was swept under the rug. We told the authorities, but it was kind of left at that, and it was never discussed again. I should have probably been in therapy immediately following.”

So, your parents knew?

“Yeah. They knew about the second time. At that point, this was the most recent and most important, and it reopened the first time.”

Was it the same person?

“No. The first time, it was a family friend and he was in his late teens, early twenties. I was very confused and didn’t know what the heck was going on. Like I said, the second time was a boy scout leader, he continued doing it in the community, and finally he was caught at the Nazarene church doing it to a three-year-old.”

Wow. You mentioned anger and bullying your peers. Did you feel anger towards your assailant? Did you ever have to come to terms with looking at that and trying to find forgiveness or compassion?

“I didn’t at the time, but in early adulthood in my twenties, I did. I was still dating women. I did question ‘is this the reason why I am the way I am, is this the reason I struggle with relationships’? Yeah, that made me angry because I see everyone else living ‘normal lives’ and I didn’t have that. Once I came out of the closet to my parents, all the anger went away. I think that was the last step to owning my shit and loving my shit because we all have shit. That was the last step of recognizing my demons, getting to know my demons intimately, understanding them, and developing a relationship with them.”

It sounds like there was a level of shame for years around your demons, and through sharing them, and being accepted and embraced by the people closest to you, it kind of released that.

“It did and it’s so fucked up because there’s a level of guilt because you ask yourself did that really happen? You question—although I can vividly remember it—but you ask yourself ‘is that really bad?’ Of course it’s bad, but your mind goes through that process. You compartmentalize it, which is another interesting thing. That’s why therapy probably would have been beneficial, to work through it with a professional.”

Did you ever feel that when you went to your parents, they had any sort of shame? Sometimes situations like that, depending on the kind of community you live in and the level of prestige or status your family might have, or how important that is to them.

“I think they dealt with it the best they knew how, which was not to deal with it. In my community, anything that was (I don’t know that I’d call it scandalous) hard or challenging wasn’t really talked about, and a lot of that was the era and the time. In today’s world, it would probably be completely different. I think a lot of that comes with technology and communication. We’re all so interconnected now that people can hear other people’s stories, and there’s a point of reference to go off of. I can’t imagine a parent . . . what’s your point of reference, unless it happened to you. That’s why I think what you’re doing is so important because it’s giving people a point of reference.”

Thank you. So, what was the relationship like with your parents? If they really didn’t do anything, although you said that they reported it to the authorities.

“I’ll never forget because I was eavesdropping on the phone call. They called the head scoutmaster and, what’s even crazier, is this was affiliated with my church. I listened to the conversation and basically the head scoutmaster said ‘we’ll look into it and blah, blah, blah’ and, honestly, after that, it kind of went away. There were other scouts that went through the same thing. I wasn’t the only one. Obviously, the guy was a serious pedophile. I had peers who were going through the same thing but, again, we didn’t talk about it. There was a lot of shame and guilt associated with it.”

The quality of your relationship with your parents during that time in your life, even before that, what was it like?

“It’s bizarre . . . it was great. Everything was ‘normal’ and I guess, as humans, we have the ability to compartmentalize and lock something away, and that’s when it starts festering.”

And, you never know when it comes out and it can be a whole series of things, not just that one thing that comes out.

“Right.”

It sounds like the second instance where it was happening triggered memories of the first, and then you talked about coming out at age thirty-five, and that also being a release in a way or an awakening of a new chapter. You also talked about dating women. What was it like having relationships with women, knowing that was not authentically who you were?

“As bizarre as this sounds, it was normal because, again, I had zero point of reference of being gay, having grown up in a small town in West Texas. I had no peers who were gay, although there probably were, but they were in the same situation as I was. I knew the act of dating and being in a relationship with a girl was normal, but it didn’t feel normal to me, if that makes sense. I felt like I was like everyone else by doing it, but I knew, in my heart of hearts, that’s not who I was. It wasn’t until my mid-to-late twenties that I started realizing I was not only affecting myself, but affecting someone else’s life. That was a lot of personal growth for me, knowing that I could do that. I think through the process of being empathetic, I’ve developed a deep level of empathy for all. I think when I really started homing in on empathy is when I came to the realization that I can get married because I’m supposed to, but that’s not only going to affect me and my family, but it’s going to affect another family as well. I think that was a turning point for me that it was time to do this.”

I’m guessing that it must have felt like the pressure was building as each year past and that secret remained, and it just gets harder and harder.

“Hell yeah. Family holidays . . . I would dread—girlfriend, marriage, and it’s so nice not to have to deal with that … so nice. I think too I’m happy that we’re at a place that people can be who they are. There are still going to be assholes out there but, for the most part, we’re coming to a point in time where it’s okay to just be.”

Regardless of what your sexuality is, I think just being who you are in general and finding your identity and sharing it with the world in an authentic way is a courageous act and it’s also met with rejection, ridicule, and criticism. It’s part of the recipe for anyone outside of the gay community as well.

“Once I started to get to know and embrace my demons, everything else went away, my insecurities in general. I’m completely happy with who I am and there’s not anything and, sometimes I wonder if it’s to a fault because you can’t go through life saying ‘I don’t care,’ because I do care. At the same time, what other people think of me, except for people that I care about, of course, I want them to have positive impressions and feelings towards me. For the most part, I’m not going to let what people think of me affect my life”

It sounds like what you’re saying is that it doesn’t change the way that you value or perceive your self-worth, someone’s ability to see that or define it, doesn’t change the way that you define yourself as being worthy and of value.

“Yes, right.”

That’s important because I think the society and culture that we live in today is self-hinged on other’s approval of us, whether it’s through social media or through social interactions in public, it’s constant, almost being appraised by others and having that dictate who we are and how valuable we are as a human being.

“If you think about it, that typically is not your authentic self. You’re masking your demons and presenting an altered version of yourself to society by doing that. I think that’s why authenticity resonates with me. I kind of feel there’s a movement of authenticity and that’s why you see it all the time, which is good, but I think there’s a long way to go. You look at social media, and a lot of it is not authentic. At the same time, there are people that are yearning for authenticity and I’m happy that I’m seeing it more and more.”

Would you say that embracing vulnerability is a part of being authentic?

“Yeah, definitely it’s a part of it. I think that’s probably one of the hardest things for people to do. It’s protectionism. When you’re vulnerable, you’re completely exposed and I think we’re taught not to be. We’re taught to protect ourselves, but I think until you can become truly vulnerable, you’re not living your authentic life because that’s a big part of it.”

Tell me about your teenage years, in school, you’ve had this experience. Did you go to a special high school?

“No, I went to public junior high and high school. Junior high was definitely awkward. Again, I didn’t really feel like I fit in. I had a great experience in high school, and a lot of that was through sports. Playing sports—there was a sense of community and team. I had that commonality with people in sports, whereas in junior high, you’re awkward in junior high any way. But, holding on to that, that was tough. Junior high was tough. It’s interesting because I would say that I would consider myself a bully when I was in Catholic school, and that was when being the only non-Catholic in a Catholic school, being different, and the fact that I felt different because I was gay and because of the sexual abuse. That was a triple whammy.”

That’s a lot of layers of separation.

“Yeah. High school was what I would consider normal. I was happy in high school. I think I’ve been very fortunate that I’ve never really experienced deep depression. There’s sadness, but I think mine manifested in anger more than sadness.”

Would you say that’s because anger is an easier emotion to feel or express, or because being a man that’s more encouraged?

“I think environmentally speaking, growing up in West Texas, cowboys, farmers, macho, I think that it was probably my environment. You didn’t see a lot of sadness. I really never saw a lot of sadness.”

Did you ever see your father cry?

“No . . . maybe at his dad’s funeral, but it was brief. I saw my mom cry. I think that had something to do with it as well. I was angry . . . I was angry.”

Where did that anger lead you towards? Were you self-destructive? Were you hurtful towards other people?

“No. I was never self-destructive. I was a verbal and emotional bully; it was never physical. I think sometimes I would pull away, isolation.”

Sometimes anger can help us through that because anger pushes people away. That anger discharges our pain.

“I’ve also been fiercely independent and I think that’s probably where it stems from. Again, some people say I’m a social person, but I sometimes feel that I’m a loner, as well. Sometimes, I find solace in being alone and reflective of my thoughts. Yeah, I’ve always been like that.”

So, you had kind of a normal junior high and high school experience. Did you go on to college and what does that look like?

“Again, it was normal. I was in a fraternity. I was very active in student organizations and had good grades, which is remarkable because I had ADHD, which I didn’t figure out until after college when I had my first job. Excessive partying, I don’t think that was a manifestation of anger. I think it was a product of being in college, because your buddies were doing it as well. I think the biggest hang up I’ve had until coming out was being honest with myself about being gay. It’s amazing the trajectory of my life once I owned it; it has completely changed.”

How so? What were some of the shifts that you saw?

“From a professional standpoint, I felt like I was a hamster in a wheel. Corporate—that’s just not me. I really don’t like structure. I don’t follow rules very well. It’s not like I’m anti-follow rules. It’s just that my mind doesn’t see the value that other people see in following rules. You might wonder where that comes from. Overall, when you love yourself and you’re doing what you love, it’s just natural for the trajectory and overall quality of your life to improve. I think me coming out was directly related to that. I certainly wasn’t doing what I wanted to do prior to real estate. Everything just kind of came to a head and I released it all. I opened the floodgates up. I didn’t want to lie to my parents anymore. I didn’t want to do corporate America anymore. I was done. I think that I was fortunate that I focused on positive avenues and career change. It very easily could have gone another way.”

Was that a scary time for you? It seems like a lot of change all at once, being honest about who you are and making a significant career change.

“Yeah. It felt like somebody put me in a jar, put a top on it, started shaking it up, and then poured it out. It was scary, but exciting at the same time. It was at a point that I think had I not done that, I could have seen myself going a different direction pretty quickly, starting to rely on other things to numb what was going on. It was scary and exciting.”

Would you say that pain was a catalyst to some of these major changes in your life, or some degree of pain or discomfort?

“Yeah. Yep. Around that time too, I had a friend who’s a life coach, and I became interested in things like Deepak and spiritualism, and it really opened my eyes. I think in Western society, there’s a roadmap that we’re given and expected to do. It takes a major event to realize tear that fuckin’ map up, throw it away. Seriously, throw that fuckin’ map away. Once I realized that, everything just kind of fell into place. There wasn’t a map needed because my map was organic. Yeah . . . my path was organic.”

Did you practice any sort of faith through this time or during this time that you’re kind of moving through fear, going through change, and embracing courage?

“I was raised Methodist and I would find myself praying. I was praying to God, but it took me a while to realize that the God I was taught in school and in church was not the God I was praying to. I’ve always been interested in other religions. Growing up going to a Catholic school Monday through Friday and then going to a Protestant church on the weekend—there’s a similar story, but there are a lot of differences. So, I was like ‘hey, why is it this way here and then on Sunday it’s this way?’ And they say ‘we’re right, they’re wrong.’ It kind of opened my mind at a young age that there’s a lot of hypocrisy in organized religion. Growing up where I did, friends and parents of the Church of Christ, they literally would say, ‘We love you, Chris, but you’re going to go to hell if you don’t convert.’ Who says that? You’re a Christian? We would sneak the liquor that they hid; they were closet drinkers. My spirituality has been a lifelong evolution that God is within yourself. Part of the beauty of realizing that is when you shed and become authentically yourself, that’s when you realize that God is within you, whether or not you want to call it God. To me, studying religions, there’s a lot of history, a lot of depth, and similarities, but it’s the action behind the religion that I have issue with. The different types of religions—they’re all beautiful in their own way, but its people that make them that not so religious.”

Do you have any practices now that help guide you?

“Yes. I do guided meditation, and meditating is praying. If everybody realized that we’re all doing the same thing, it’s all the same, I think there would be a lot less anger and violence in the world. I like to meditate. Meditation is challenging for me because of my ADHD, but then I realized to meditate, once you stop trying, it becomes meditation. Yeah, I try to meditate daily. It’s a grounding practice that energizes me. It’s like a power nap.”

What are some of the other practices or coping skills that you use when things get challenging or stressful?

“I exercise. Exercise has always been a great outlet. It wasn’t until later that I realized I was coping, that exercise is my outlet. I guess that’s not a bad one to use. Yeah . . . exercise, meditation, and I journal. I like reflecting my thoughts, and writing them down helps.”

You mentioned early on, when you had gone through those periods of abuse, that getting into therapy would have been helpful. Did you eventually get into therapy?

“When I moved to Houston, I briefly started going to a therapist and I found that we weren’t discussing the trauma in my childhood, but discussing the trauma in my relationships. In retrospect, it stems from the trauma in my childhood. That’s not on the therapist, that’s on me because I wasn’t discussing it and how was he to know. Unless you’re ready to talk about it, it’s a waste of resources on both sides. I think for therapy to work, you have to let it all out. I briefly went to therapy, but I wasn’t being 100 percent truthful. I was more concerned about this person and why it wasn’t working versus my shit. I think I have come to a point in my life where I have to own my own shit. That’s part of growing up, but I think it took me a long time to grow up.”

It’s much easier to notice someone else’s shit and to point it out.

“It’s easier to deal with someone else’s shit.”

Sometimes you don’t realize until that person has moved on from your life and you’re still left with the same kind of shit you’re experiencing and it’s actually yours and not theirs.

“Yep. That’s ego.”

Tell me about some of your relationships. You’ve had long-term relationships with women.

“Yes, and this is something that I struggle with—intimacy because I think at a very young age, I associated it with sex. Sex and love were not in the same wheelhouse for me, and every relationship I’ve ever been in it’s been an issue. That’s one of the demons I’m trying to get to know best, and really understand and embrace because it’s not only affecting me, but it’s affecting other people. You can look back it’s almost like clockwork the stages in a relationship that I go through. In the beginning, the sex is great because there’s no love involved. Once feelings start developing, I push away. It’s tough.”

What’s the fear there when love starts to be involved in that picture?

“I don’t know, but I think it’s the little boy trying to protect himself. Every time emotions and feelings come into play, he’s protecting himself. He doesn’t want to ever feel that way again. I would have to say that it is getting better for me, but it’s going to be something that I’ll always have to deal with. It will never, ever go away. It’s impossible. It’s a part of who I am. It’s a part of my self and I think the fact that I realize that, it’s making the ability for me to move forward and deal with it easier, but it will always be there.”

I’m sure he will always be there but, at some point you may come to a place where you can shift his role in the equation because I’m sure that served you for a number of years to protect you, but it’s no longer serving you as an adult. I had a brief conversation in the car yesterday with my aunt while I was visiting, and she was talking about her own upbringing, feelings, and also having been abused. She said she had a pivotal moment with her healer or guide, who told her to invite the little girl to play instead, like you’re a child, it’s okay, just play, so that she could take the lead as an adult and integrate those aspects of herself because when you’ve experienced trauma, they get kind of fragmented and that child who’s had to create those defenses to survive, it continues to kind of rush in when there’s a threat, or feels like a threat.

“What’s so bizarre to me is that how can love ever be a threat? How can you be in the process of falling in love and consider that a threat?”

If you’ve been hurt, betrayed, abused, neglected, assaulted—all of those things impact your ability to trust and your willingness to be vulnerable, which can make you associate love with those things. You’re allowing yourself to be hurt or taken advantage of, but on the other side of that, if you carry that armor and push away the very thing that you’re longing for, you’ll continue to suffer and create that distance between what you want and where you are.

“Yeah. It’s just so crazy because the two things that I love, independently so much, but marrying them together . . . It shouldn’t be that hard, but it is something that I’ve always struggled with, but I think recognizing it, acknowledging it, and becoming intimate with it is the first step in bringing those two things together.”

Yes. If you have the capacity to, what you were referring to as your demons, invite them in and get to know them well, the same is true for that little boy, leaving space for him, to join in as well.

“Yes.”

What would you say to that little boy if you could as your adult self today, sit with him and offer him some message or consolation?

“Just let him know that it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. It’s difficult to put my mindset to where he was and, knowing myself as a little boy, would he listen to what I’m telling him. Just tell him that it’s going to be okay. Hang in there. It’s going to be okay.”

That little boy, as he was developing from those experiences, did he ever feel that he was responsible when it happened?

“Yes. I have had these defining moments in my life, some of them great and some of them not so great. I’ll never forget, we were at my aunt’s house, and my little nephew, who was three or four at the time, and my mom asked me to take him to the bathroom and help him. I was about thirteen, and this was still raw and fresh. I was in the bathroom helping him and my grandmother came in and said ‘stop doing that to him’ and I remember my body going cold and thinking ‘am I doing something wrong?’ That had a profound, profound impact on intimacy. That had a profound impact on me. You wonder what happened to her. She had no idea what I was going through. So, what skeletons or demons were in her closet that caused her to react like that? I didn’t recognize that until later as an adult. I was like ‘oh my God, am I doing something wrong?’ There’s a degree of shame and you think since I was abused, am I going to do it to other children? I think abuse victims probably feel that there’s a stigma. The reality is if that happened to you, that’s the last thing that you’d ever want to do to somebody. It’s amazing that collectively less than thirty minutes in time can have such a profound impact on someone’s life.”

Yes, and that says a lot about every moment of our lives, especially when we’re in a position to make choices, all of these little microscopic and micro decisions that we make from moment to moment can really dictate.

“You have the ability in sixty seconds to change somebody’s life forever.”

It sounds like you were able to come to a place where you were able to look at what happened, to accept that it happened, and to decide to move forward, which I think is a part of the process of healing and forgiveness. Were you able to forgive your abuser?

“Yeah. It took a long time and this is horrible, but the second one was killed in a tragic, car accident and I, honestly, found happiness in that, which is not the person I am today because I like to think that I have empathy for all. I’ve forgiven them both.”

In doing that, did you have to be curious about what had shaped them as an individual and maybe what they had experienced in their life?

“Yeah. I don’t know how that can be environmental, a learned behavior, because of all the abuse victims that are out there. There are so many abuse victims, I think that it’s a sickness. I think that it is a sickness and, people that do that, need help. I’m not saying that they should be free, walking around in society, but that they need help. Locking somebody in a jail cell is not going to help them. They need to be supervised. There’s something going on that would cause somebody to do that. I think there’s some kind of mental disorder. It’s like a serial killer. They’re not doing it for fun. They may find fun in it, but there’s a reason they’re doing that and it’s probably something haywire in their brain causing them to do that. You would hope because if not, there’s pure evil.”

You talked about getting to a place of authenticity in your life and part of that was loving yourself. What did that look like to love yourself and to practice that?

“For me, loving myself was knowing myself, not judging myself, and accepting myself. Once I accepted myself, all the other things that are involved in loving myself just kind of fell in naturally. Loving the good and bad because we all have good and bad, and owning both the good and bad. This is not just about sexuality. If you’re not owning your bad traits, it’s the same as keeping them in the closet, pushing them right back there with all of the other skeletons. I truly believe that, as humans, we cannot heal until we accept and embrace, and then the healing process starts.”

Do you think it’s possible to heal from abuse and trauma?

“I do. Like I said, it’s never going to go away, but once you realize that’s a part of who you are and you love yourself as a whole. Think about that, if you love yourself as a whole, that’s a part of you. In doing that, you’re loving that part of you, as well. It might not be a pleasant part, but it’s a part nonetheless. I think we have the capacity to heal and love. You have to recognize and fully embrace the good and bad to do so, and it looks different for every person. There are similarities in healing, but it’s going to look different for every person.”

I’m guessing that part of your healing right now is probably talking about this and sharing the story, knowing that somebody else who’s experienced something similar or felt your emotions could benefit.

“Yes. This is very therapeutic. It’s telling your story and knowing that there are people with similar stories. They might not be dealing with it as you are, but the more that you put your story out there, maybe somebody can grasp on to how you’re dealing with it and provides them a level of solace that they wouldn’t have had. Yes, talking about it is very therapeutic. It’s important to do, but you have to be doing it in an authentic way. When I was going to therapy, I was telling him part truths, but I wasn’t telling him the whole truth. Unless you’re telling your whole truth, there might be some benefit gain, but it’s a band aid. It’s not embracing your truth.”

In imagining the next relationship you have, knowing that the second phase of your relationship is pushing away as things get more intimate and love comes into the picture, what skills do you hope you’ll acquire and learn to not do that again, to not push it away?

“I don’t know if there is a skill that I can acquire because it’s more of a feeling, and it’s communication, just making the person aware, “hey, this is likely going to happen, this is my past, and this is my story” and asking for patience. I think when the right person comes along, patience will be there. I don’t think that that will ever change because that’s a part of who I am, and that’s a part of the process of me falling in love. That’s my story, and I think me embracing that and owning that, when the right person comes along, it will work.”

Have you been able to communicate that with past lovers?

“I have and, each relationship I’m in, there’s progress. All one can do is communicate.”

I think communication and patience is essential, and no judgment.

“That’s the type of person you want to be with anyway.”

True.

“This whole chapter of my life is kind of like a guiding light. It’s kind of guided me to where I’m at. I wouldn’t be sitting here had it not happened. You kind of have to take your tragedies and turn them into a guiding light that leads you on your journey.”

Would that be your advice to somebody who was listening to or reading this that is struggling with accepting who they are and where they’ve been?

“Yeah, open the door, introduce your demon, and have a conversation with it. Introduce your demons to everyone because they might have similar ones and there’s nothing that’s happened to any human being that they should be ashamed of ever because that’s just a part of who they are. If you’re ashamed of that, you can’t love yourself. You might partially love yourself, but you’re not going to fully love yourself.”

Shame is similar to cancer. It doesn’t stay where it starts, it spreads into other areas and relationships.

“It festers.”

What do you think is the antidote to shame?

“Several come to mind … love, transparency, acceptance. I think light, finding your inner light, and letting it shine has the ability to wash away any shame that you have.”

Do you have a favorite quote, mantra, song lyric, or piece of advice that resonates with you that you’d like to share?

“Yeah. There’s a Riba song, ‘One Promise Too Late.’ I’ve been listening to this song since I was a child, but didn’t realize it until after I came out and started going through the problems in my relationships with intimacy this line she was singing in this song and I was singing to myself: Where were you when I could have loved you? Where were you when I gave my heart away? All my life I’ve been dreaming of you, but you came along one promise to late. That’s the progression in my relationships. When I finally get to that point where I’m loving myself and accepting and embracing the intimacy, it’s usually too late. It’s amazing how a song and the meaning of a song can change depending on where you are in your life.”

Absolutely. How has it felt to talk about these thoughts, feelings, and experiences with me today?

“It feels amazing. I think every time I share this, it’s like I’m shedding skin of the past and I become lighter. It makes me realize that I’m okay, I’m moving in the right direction, and I’m not moving backwards. I’m building my life based on my truth, and that to me is the most empowering thing to do. It doesn’t matter what your life looks like, you’re living your truth and, whatever you build around it, is okay.”

Do you think it’s possible that sharing your story with me today could potentially inspire or give hope to somebody that’s listening or reading this?

“I’d like to hope that it will. I think that it can only do good, that’s the intention that I set, and hope that it does. When I listen to other people’s stories, heartaches, and hardships, I know that I find inspiration and comfort. So, yeah, I hope this does the same.”

Thank you.

#sexualabuse #metalhealth #healing #vulnerability #therapy #intimacy

[heartsofstrangers]

What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

“One of the most challenging things that I’ve ever experienced was the death of my parents. I lost my dad when I was twenty-one. He wasn’t always in my daily life, so it didn’t hit me as hard, but he was an admirable person I would have liked to have gotten to know. He was in the Vietnam War, had a few Purple Hearts, met the president, and was one of their first-class snipers, but due to that, he had mental issues by the time I grew up. He had severe PTSD and dementia in his later life. My life was more like visitation with him and my sister, Sarah. As I got older and started realizing how to understand mental illness, when I was in high school, I visited him at the nursing home where he was. It was kind of expected after a while. Just watching the mind deteriorate through dementia was pretty hard. When he passed, what hurt most was wishing I got to know him more and wishing he knew the person I would become.

“It’s going to be a year now, I was twenty-three years old, in August, my mom passed away. She was the most loving, happy, social female I’ve ever known, but she struggled with alcoholism in the closet (I would say). She wouldn’t really show it much, but if you knew, you knew. I think she just had too much love to give and that made her really sad, and she always said that her soulmate was my father. Although they never really worked out, they still had a strong relationship, and all of her relationships since him never really panned out. They were like the Bonnie and Clyde of their era. He was African American and she was white, so they hid their relationship from their parents growing up, and dealt with all the race issues in the community by raising my sister and me. One story I remember my mom told me was when she woke up and the lawn was on fire in North Haven because the neighbors didn’t like that they were together. Crazy things like that. I think my dad’s dead really affected my mom.

“Now that they’re both not here, I think my challenge is being the person that I want to be without parental guidance underneath me, telling me ‘keep going, you got it, keep pushing, you’re meant to be something great,’ all those things your parents tell you. You can hear it from your boyfriend or your best friend, but it’s not the same. So I think that’s the challenge I’m forever going to cope with, to be where I feel like I need to be, but not have that support underneath you.”

How did you lose your mother?

“It was kind of a freak accident. There are many things that went wrong that could have gone right. She actually—spooky, she was here. She was in a fight with her current boyfriend and she didn’t want to have an argument or confrontation at my grandmother’s house. So she walked and met him here. I guess they had been drinking; she had alcohol in her system. Her car was broken, so she was borrowing my uncle’s truck in which the gas gage was broken, so in order to know when you needed gas, you needed to know precisely how many miles you had driven since your last gas pump. She left this park and she was driving home on I-91, and the car broke down. She hit the guardrail after losing steering, her phone was dead—my uncle’s truck didn’t have a phone charger—she went to walk across the highway to get off exit 13, and she got hit.

“So many things could have gone right. If she was in her own vehicle, she would have had a phone charger and she probably would have had gas. If she wasn’t fighting with her boyfriend at the time, she wouldn’t have been so upset. I live right off exit 13, so I’m thinking ‘was she trying to get to my house? Where was she going?’ That was a really, really weird day because when she was messaging me about how emotionally upset she was, she was also just diagnosed with cancer. She was telling me how scared she was to go to chemo the next day. She didn’t tell me or my sister that she had cancer for months. I guess she was diagnosed in March, but she had just opened up to the family about it. That day, hours before, she was telling me that she was so scared, praying to God, praying to my dad, and said she felt like she was going to die. It was really interesting foreshadowing that she was casting on her life, like really manifested that.

“The whole day was weird. I’m assuming when she was at the park, I was in the middle of a workout, and I cut my workout short because I was feeling so sick at the gym. I was avidly working out at that time, so it wasn’t anything new. I was hydrated and it was my normal routine, but I was so sick. My friend said, ‘Let’s go for a drive,’ and we went for a drive around Wallingford, but I told her to just bring me home because I didn’t feel good. I texted my mom and told her I loved her and I was here for her. By the time of the sequence of events, she never got the message because I sent it around 10 pm and her passing was about 9:45 pm when the car accident happened. It was just a weird day all in all. To this day, I won’t upgrade my phone because I have our message thread there, and I can’t let go of that in the event that the technology doesn’t work in transferring all of my info.

“That was pretty rough and now I worry, just like with anyone who passes away, that I’ll forget, and not that you’ll forget someone you love. Every day, after her passing, I couldn’t function, I was crying at home, on the way to work, every time I thought about her, when I stalked her Facebook page for the first time. Now, I’m not crying anymore. I can cry, if I’ve had a couple of drinks and my emotions are in my face. You miss the routine so much at first, and then you get used to someone not being there because you’re used to your new routine. It’s just like a breakup, and I think that’s what kind of sucks. I still have my whole life to live, I’m not even thirty years old. How do I begin to tell my kids about the wonderful people that my parents were and really transfer my memories onto them? It’s really difficult.”

You mentioned that you kind of knew that you were losing your father, seeing that coming. Did he end up dying of dementia?

“Yes. He had a few strokes within a short period of time. It was actually his dementia. Then he caught pneumonia. He had a weak system and was hospitalized. They let us know he didn’t have much time, and he refused to have a tube put into his stomach to feed him and whatever he needed. That was what really told us he was going to go soon. So I drove home from college. I was here for a couple of days. We all sat by his bed, played music from the 1960s, and then waited for that call. The call came the next morning at 6 am to go see him because he’s passed. That was sad, but I really had to collect the memories I had of being a child. That one I didn’t take so hard, even when we saw his body. My mom wanted to hold his hand. I don’t know if it’s a disassociation—once someone has passed, I know their soul isn’t there anymore. Our souls are in our bodies just as a host, in my opinion, that’s all it is. I can’t hold your hand, you’re a cold body, but you’re gone.”

It’s just your shell.

“Yeah, that’s all it is. With my mom, they had a closed casket, although the option of an open casket could have been there after they fixed her up at the morgue. I absolutely refused to see her because I thought there was just no point. My sister and I showed up late to the service, maybe twenty to thirty minutes, and gave my uncles and grandmother time to see her and do whatever they had to do. It was interesting because my mom thought she wasn’t loved sometimes, but her service was from 6 to 10 pm, and I was shaking hands from 6 pm to 12 am. They had to start kicking people out and telling people they couldn’t say their good-byes. The funeral home was packed; there were lines out the building, down the street. It was huge. If only she knew. People were telling me crazy stories about elementary school. It was such a shame.”

What was it like growing up with her? I’m assuming you lived with her growing up.

“Yes. When my mom and dad divorced, I was about seven, but I still vividly remember my childhood with them together in comparison to my sister. She doesn’t really remember a lot and she’s older than me, which is interesting. They divorced and then my mom remarried, and that’s when I moved to Wallingford. My stepfather, Bob, is a great person, very reserved, but we grew up with him from when I was in fourth grade until I went to college. We had one room, that’s where my boyfriends would come over with my family, my mom, my stepdad, and my sister. Just the four of us in one house, and it was great. My stepfather was very strict. He’s Russian and the rules were unbelievable. It probably shaped me into how I am with my household rules today. My mom never remarried after she divorced my stepfather, although she had boyfriends. It was always my sister, me, and my mom; it was always the three of us. Regardless of her marrying my stepfather or whatever boyfriends she had dated, if they didn’t like my sister and me, not that they wouldn’t have, we were a package deal. She raised us, telling us ‘it’s the three of us or nothing.’ It was a strong support. She put us through dance school. We were very close. She put us through all the sports we wanted to do. She came to all the family meetings and conferences. Any time she would see somebody in the community, she would say ‘these are my daughters.’ We were always with her. When I went to college, she came up nearly twice a month or would constantly pick me up from Albany, New York, two and a half hours away, just to drive me back down so I could spend the weekend with my boyfriend in Connecticut, and then drive me back and forth to and from Albany on Sunday. I feel so bad now that I look back because she was always going to Albany. She was awesome.

“As I grew older, I was able to open my eyes and see that she was hurting inside and realized she was not the happy person I thought she was when I was a child. It’s really hard, especially when it’s your parent. My uncles would tell me, ‘Shay, she’s always been this way.’ She wasn’t depressed in a way where she would stay in bed all day or find an addiction, it wasn’t really like that. She was really social and smiley, and everyone loved her who met her. Towards her passing, she would cry every day. It was so sad.

“After she divorced my stepfather, that was right when I went to college, in 2012. In 2014, she started dating this new guy, and he was pretty cool. He really loved Kyle, the guy I’m dating now. My mom and her boyfriend got a house together in West Haven, and I lived there for a couple of years. It was another great family dynamic, but then their relationship took a turn for the worse because there were a lot of trust issues. He was pretty promiscuous. There was a lot of devious behavior, manipulation, lies, and no trust. That really broke my mom down, then my father ended up passing through all of this. Not knowing who she could trust and who was there for her was really the butterfly effect for her for her future relationships. She only dated one person after that West Haven relationship, and there was no trust anywhere to be found. She didn’t trust herself, and her self-esteem was down. She would cry every day, and it got to a point where I was life coaching my mom so often. I would be the one to raise her and give her the confidence she needed, because I was in a pretty stable position and she wasn’t. Not that I don’t believe it, but when people say ‘they’re in a better place now, blah, blah, blah,’ I hope she is, because she was pretty upset and miserable at the end of her days. It’s so sad when you see someone so sad. You want to help, but you can’t help them. You want to pick them right up, but everyone has their own demons. It’s rough when your child sees that in a parent. That’s probably why I’m working in mental health.”

It's inspired you in some ways to move towards a career path or life’s purpose.

“Yeah. I think it sparked when I started learning more about my father. I still would like to work with the Department of Veterans Affairs because all of the mental health systems are broken. Even if it comes down to just being that one conversation a day that makes someone smile, put off whatever their plans are for another day, whether it’s harming themselves, suicidal ideation, or one more depressive thought, that’s all I want to be here for. It just comes so effortlessly when you approach people, have a conversation, and share a couple of laughs and smiles. It doesn’t have to be so much pressure, it’s just be you.”

Where do you think your mother’s sadness stemmed from? Do you know anything about her childhood?

“I was predominantly raised on my mother’s side, so I know all about her childhood. She grew up a couple of houses down from this park. She was born in New Haven and, when she was seven, they moved here and then her whole life was here. She has three brothers, my three uncles, who are such strong figures in my life, between helping me with my car or whatever needs to be done. They’re there for my sister and me. Her parents, my grandmother is Italian and my grandfather is Irish. It was an interesting household, but it was a lot of love. I still hear all of the stories about their childhood, and my mom was definitely a daddy’s girl, seeing as she didn’t have any sisters and it was all brothers. My mom and grandfather had a really, really strong connection all through growing up. Unfortunately, my grandfather passed away in 2004, and I think that was really the trigger for my mom. I really think so, because that’s when she married my stepfather in 2004, when I was in fourth grade. She was able to put together this beautiful video. She hired this videographer who put home video clips together and then for their wedding they had a projector come down and played this video for the wedding audience. It was so beautiful because he had passed just months prior. She had even considered moving her wedding date so that he could be there. I really think that was the trigger, because all the years after, she always talked to her dad: ‘Hey, Dad, I’m here; I’m struggling.’ Any pennies she would pick up from the ground she said were pennies from heaven. She really still held him so close. My uncles aren’t as open-minded with spirituality, so they would probably call her crazy, but she had a connection with him; she really did. It’s the people who don’t understand who can pass judgment unless you really understand someone who can open up spiritually, and that was my mom. She wasn’t too spiritual with crystals and all that stuff, but she felt when someone was around. She was really guided by the messages from her high power, like my grandfather, even when my father passed away.”

Tell me about the grieving process that you mentioned, that period when you got the news about your mother and you were crying and had a hard time functioning. What has that journey through grief looked and felt like for you?

“I would mainly always talk to my mom when I was driving to work. She’d be on the way to work, I’d be on the way to work, I’d give her a quick call, and we’d laugh or whatever. Or there were those good morning text messages in the group chat with my sister and me. After she passed, it was really hard to get out of bed and I knew that I had to go to work, and it would be a condition to call or talk to her before I start my day. There have been many times before parking on Edgewood, I would have to fix my make-up because I had been crying on my way to work because she wasn’t there. That slowed down a little and now I can get my thoughts together without being too emotional, but then there’s always something that hits me. It wasn’t up until recently that I was thinking of her and wanted to go on her Facebook and find a picture of her that I had, and I was sitting at work, I was so thankful that I was alone because I could not stop the tears from falling out of my eyes. It was so hard. I had to shut the office door and do my thing because they wouldn’t stop. It wasn’t memories rushing through my head. I couldn’t even scroll. I had to put my phone down, as my emotions were there and demanded to be found, and I had to let it happen.

“It was rough at first getting back into my social life because my mom was a mom to all my friends. She was always there. We have group pictures with my friends and my mom in the middle. If we would go out to a bar or something with my mom and uncles, I would tell all my friends to come. We were always all together, and they loved her. She was the mom they never had. Even growing up in Wallingford with my neighborhood friends, my mom would always be the one to bring out snacks or tell them to come in because it was cold. I’ve had friends for over fifteen years who have known her because I’ve been so close with them. Entering my social life after her passing was hard because mainly if it’s a weekend, I would have a couple of drinks and once the alcohol is in my system, one thought goes through my head, and I would be crying in the kitchen or locking myself in the bathroom. It was always dependent on how much I had to drink, but it was pretty hard putting on a face of being happy and socializing because I felt so empty. Nothing else mattered. But life is for the living, and you have to move on.

“Another really hard part of the grieving process was when we lived in West Haven, we got a puppy. We got two, but one of them was my sister’s. But this one was a Labrador retriever, and we got him as a little baby. I watched him grow into the dog he is now. After she broke up with the boyfriend in West Haven, she kept the dog. When she broke-up with him, she ended up getting an apartment and, whatever she was doing, the dog was by her side, 24/7. She brought him to my grandma’s and she brought him to my house where my dogs would be mad that there was another dog there. She brought him to the gas station. She brought him everywhere. He was this big, white and golden retriever, he might be a Labrador. He was really obedient, such a cuddler, and a very, very, very good dog. He was in the car when she pulled the car over and he watched her get hit by the car. When we got the call, or my uncles got the call or whatever, the police came to the scene, and animal control came and brought him to the pound.

“The next day, my only concern was to get this dog out of the pound. I ended up getting him out of the pound. It was pretty hard for me because my current boyfriend has a dog, and we lived with my sister, Sarah, and she had a dog. Sarah recently moved out. We had two dogs, Sarah and I both worked full-time jobs, and Kyle didn’t want to take in a third dog, especially if Sarah and I were never home. Going through everything I had with my mom, this is within a couple of weeks, my biggest problem was what do I do with this dog because I want to keep the dog. He was my mom’s and I’ve known the dog since he was a puppy. I lived with him for years. He was with my mom, every day, all day. Now, if my current boyfriend doesn’t want the dog, do I care? Should I move out and get my own apartment with the dog? Then, that brings in finances. Can I afford my own apartment? Can I afford the dog? Is it right for the dog to be in a cage all day when I’m working? That was actually the most difficult part of the grieving process, because I didn’t know what to do with this sweet animal who just lost my mom, who’s known me for years, and really to evaluate and everything came to making a decision. A decision needed to be made about everything. Am I breaking up with my boyfriend? Am I moving out? Am I taking this dog? Am I giving the dog away? What would mom want? What do I do with her things? What are we doing with her apartment? When are we packing this up? Where are we bringing it?

“All of those decisions to make between my sister and me because we don’t have a dad. Thankfully, my uncles helped us out with everything. They were able to pay for the funeral and really help us out with the finances. Everywhere you turned, there was a decision that had to be made, and I’m young. I didn’t have to go through all that with my dad because my mom was there. They divorced a while ago and his property and stuff wasn’t as hard because we weren’t so connected and intertwined. I was eating, living, breathing, and sleeping my mom. She was, and still is, my life. The detachment was hard. We ended up giving the dog to a distant family member and I still see him monthly. Once a month, I give him his flea and tick medicine because he gets a rash if he gets fleas. She’s a stay-at-home mom because she has three kids, a beautiful house, a yard, and he’s happy over there. That really wasn’t easy.

“Here I am today and August 15th will make a year. I’m doing better and the grieving is not as intense and not as demanding as it used to be, but I think about her all the time. I wonder if she hears me when I’m calling, what happens after death, maybe it’s a comfort that we humans find, saying ‘maybe they are listening,’ but maybe that’s just a comfort we need.”

You touched upon something really important that often people who are experiencing grief don’t touch upon: the dynamics through this period of emotional grieving and loss, this burden and responsibility of making decisions and having to participate and function. From some people that I’ve spoken to about this, it’s almost like your mental state switches to autopilot and you delay emotional feelings and processing to get through the decision-making process, to go through the motions, to appease everyone else around you who’s grieving and offering condolences and, after that subsides, comes in the real emotional weight of the actual loss. Did you experience an influx of support and condolences, and did that eventually subside, and how did that feel?

“Whether in person, social media, or whatever the interactions might have been, I think the majority of people who wanted to say something were the ones who attended her service. That was a smack in the face, everyone at once, and it was really hard to take in. If it was social media, and I said ‘thinking of you’ or something sweet, I would get ‘my heart is still with you’ and the support from people I really never spoke to, even in high school. My mom would bring us together, whether we hung out or not, ‘you lost your mom—my heart is with you’ kind of thing. Friends I wouldn’t see for a long time, then I would see them, and the first thing they would say is ‘hey, I’m real sorry about your mom,’ that whole thing. That really calmed down as the months went on and then it was a thing of the past.

“I still feel I have the support, and I think that’s really the bond I have with Kyle. After my father passed away, when I was 21, the next year, Kyle’s father passed away. Kyle and his father, Tim, were the way I was with my mom. They grew up together. Kyle was his only son; he has all sisters. It was one of the strongest father-son relationships I’ve seen in my life, and then he got sick and passed away. Kyle was there to support me with my father’s death and then his father died within the year, so I was there helping him with that, and then my mom died. That support and bond that I have with Kyle—we went through some trauma together, and it was the same trauma. We lost our parents, and now I don’t have any and his mom isn’t too stable right now. We really have support for each other because it’s a shared understanding. I think that my cousins and I and my sister we’ve gotten closer. Even with my uncles, in a situation like death, I think a person matures a lot, depending on the age.”

It changes you, definitely.

“Yes, definitely. I still really feel the support from everyone around me, especially the ones who knew her. That way it’s not me describing her to the best of my ability because I’m never going to get it right. You just had to know her, and then you know what I mean. I never feel there’s a lack of support, but it definitely dwindled as time went on. I think that’s the same situation, unless you’re famous like Martin Luther King or Michael Jackson, but time is going to go on. When forty years go by, there are going to be new problems that arise or whatever the case may be, but I think it’s just living in the memory.”

What has gotten you through some of the darker times during those periods? I know you mentioned your relationship with Kyle being a pillar in that process. What has given you hope, a scrap of light, or motivation to keep going when you felt overwhelmed?

“Hmm. That’s a good question. Honestly, I think it might be my thoughts and personality. My perception of life is ‘it is what it is.’ My uncle told me that life is for the living, and that really stuck with me. Life has to go on and I don’t think that I’ve gone through really depressive symptoms because everyone deals with it differently. I could have easily still been in bed, taking Xanax, and trying to figure out how to ease my anxiety. I really think it’s a mind over matter situation. Just knowing that I can talk to whoever I need to or support someone that isn’t doing so well with it. Now that it’s hitting the summer holiday, July 4th, and the one-year anniversary, my grandmother’s not doing so well. She’s having panic attacks and anxiety, and her doctors are putting her on all these medications. I’m telling her to try CBD oil, something more natural. She has identified one of her triggers as my mom no longer being here. She was her only daughter. Never mind losing your parent, but a parent that loses a child; that’s hard, especially because you don’t want your kids to die before you. That’s not the way the circle of life should work. I think supporting others that need support has really helped me get me through my dark times.

“When my sister would text me ‘I miss Mom,’ I would say ‘let’s talk about her;’ never mind just ‘me too.’ Whether we were talking or texting, I would ask her what’s your favorite memory? or what were you thinking about? Or, I’d say ‘remember this time’; and we’d laugh. Or, I’d say ‘this reminds me of mom when she ….’ When I’m thinking about her, I’ll tell whoever I’m with that I’m thinking about my mother right now, and then share a memory or two, smile, and carry on or cry if I need to cry. I do not suppress the emotion, but do tell myself that I need to keep moving forward. My mom would always tell me that she was put on this earth to put me and Sarah on this earth. She would say ‘I was born to raise you girls and to develop you into the strong individuals that you are, and you need to do that; that’s your life-fulfilling prophecy.’ Just listening to her, moving on, and trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be and where I’m supposed to be. I guess I have some peace of mind, thinking that she’s still somewhere listening to me, even if I can’t find a sign or whatever. I think that really helps me in my dark times.”

It sounds like a few things stood out from what you just said. One was feeling your way through it, not trying to repress or medicate it, but to actually feel your way through the emotions and honor them. The other was empathy. Empathizing with others who are going through something similar kind of gets you outside of yourself and you recognize that you’re not alone, and that’s very healing. The other thing is it sounds like that you absorbed a lot of her energy and everything that she instilled in you, even if you don’t see a trace of her outside of yourself, inside of you she exists.

“I hope. She was a really, really strong part of my life. I lived to make her laugh and vice versa. I would hope that for my kids one day, to teach them the positive views on life, how to rise up when you’re down, how to treat others, and how to keep smiling. My mom really helped me through college papers, and that was a really hard time for me. Showing your kid how to push forward, even though in that moment and what you’re going through seems like you’re going to die, the worse moment ever. My mom would tell me ‘Shay, look you’re already in your junior year of college, you can get through this paper. You can write this 30-page paper on Neanderthals, it’s fine.’ I think it’s the optimism that she always provided for me to keep moving forward. I want to instill that in, honestly, anyone, even my clients at work. I tell them - look at how far you’ve come, keep pushing forward, you’re talented in many ways, you’ve touched the lives around you, people care about you, and you owe that to yourself. Maybe I got that from my mom.”

What has this journey of loss, grief, and resilience taught you about yourself or life?

“I think that it’s taught me that life is going to always change, even when you’re very comfortable where you are. Anything unexpected can happen, but self-care is important through these hard times, and that’s how you grow. You kind of owe it to yourself to think about the situation over and over and over and over again because you’re probably going to be overthinking. I’m thinking about when my first boyfriend in high school broke up with me. He broke my heart, really broke my heart. I was going through an identity crisis and a small amount of self- harm. I didn’t know who I was or where I was. Looking back, if I had known that I was going to get my master’s degree, I wouldn’t be stressing that at sixteen. That’s growth. That’s life. You’re going to replay the situation a million times in your head of what could have gone differently, what you could have done, and maybe the solution you thought would have been the perfect one at that moment didn’t work out. Maybe in a few years from then, after you’ve grown, you’ll see that it was the best for you when you were young. I think life does have a plan. I think through trauma, change, and going through something that really hurts may bring you a couple of steps back, but you just have to trust the process, and that’s pretty comforting.”

It sounds like faith in the process, if not some sort of higher power or energy, and also the courage to keep going, regardless of whether it feels or seems bad, but that there’s potentially something beyond that, that you can’t see yet or have access to, the process is going to justify your pain and suffering eventually?

“Yes. I’m sure if you look back from where you are now, there has to have been some traumatic thing you’ve been through and felt that is the end all, this is it, rock, rock bottom. That’s what I would try to tell my mom, ‘you don’t know where you’re going to be next month, and this seems terrible right now, and it’s really hard for you.’ When you were in first grade, your ABCs and writing the alphabet were probably really hard for you. It was hard for you for where you were at that time and look at how much you’ve grown. You learned it, you accomplished it, and you conquered it. You can take something away every time you move forward, and you can use that to fight your next battle.”

I like that analogy, and I often use something similar. I’m not a gamer myself, but in videogames, usually you have to get to the end of whatever phase it is or whatever kind of level it is and conquer something to acquire a tool or weapon that’s going to be useful in the next level. I think life is like that as well. If you don’t conquer whatever that thing is and get that tool, you have to go back to the beginning and try again to get that because it’s almost like a key that unlocks the door to more knowledge, more capability, and more empowerment.

“I think you can easily get discouraged when you’re making the same mistakes over and over and over again because you haven’t learned that lesson or you weren’t able to figure out why you’re making the same mistake over and over again. If you keep trying and understand more or take new information per time you made the mistake, then you’re probably able to gather all of the information that you can to conquer that and move forward to learn why you’re making the same mistake, to make a different decision, and to go a different path.”

Yeah, and I think that’s important because we have a culture or belief system that says mistakes are failure, and we become self-deprecating and super critical of ourselves to the point where we’re too afraid to take chances or risks. But every mistake is an opportunity for learning and growth, like ‘oh, that didn’t work, let me try this instead.’ If we can approach it like that, we may continue to move forward, rather than isolate ourselves in a little cage. So what would you have said to your younger self when she was struggling at some of those moments, having the wisdom and knowledge you have now?

“What would I have said to my younger self?”

If she was sitting beside you right now with her baggage, her wows, and limited perspective.

“That’s creepy . . . Believe in your potential and do this for your future self. It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to be confused and angry, but talk about it or believe that it will get better. It’s not easy, but it becomes easier. Time after time after time, your life is worth living so keep pushing forward and you have all of these goals you want to achieve, so do that. Move forward with no regrets. Why you’re hurting is a piece of you. Don’t hate the boyfriend that broke up with you in ninth grade because he cheated on you. He’s taught you that you’re not going to take any bullshit from any other guy. Or, maybe you’re in a fight with your best friend, but this has taught you how to treat others or how to learn more about your best friend and why this person was so hurt, the words that you said, or the effect that you have on people. Try to learn something from each experience and keep pushing forward to be your better self.”

If your mother were here, sitting beside you, what would you want her to hear and know?

“That I miss her and I hope she’s here. I don’t know . . . the guidance that sometimes I feel I don’t have. When I feel lost, I hope she’s here with me, and I’m trying to communicate with her and show my parents that I’m the person that they want in a daughter, all of the lessons that they taught me. I want to show them that I can do it and support my sister throughout the way, be kind to people, make a change in the world, and they really inspired me, and I hope they’re together as soulmates.”

Do you think it’s possible that she received that message, on some level, that you sent?

“I think so. I have family members that have gone to mediums and they would say that my mom came through, but it’s always skeptical. My sister went to a medium and she didn’t like what she heard and it wasn’t what she expected. I think it depends on who you go to and the messages that you receive. Lately, I’ve learned a lot about synchronicities and then it’s easy to realize that things aren’t just coincidences. I’ve had a couple of occasions when I’ve felt like I was just saying something out loud or was trying to talk to my mom about this one thing and then it unfolds right in front of me. I think it’s about being patient and not saying ‘Mom, if you’re here, give me a sign,’ and then sit in silence for forty-five minutes. I think it’s waiting, for example, when you fall asleep, she comes in your dreams and tells you the message that you want to hear, even if not her, but she’s able to bring a thought into your dream that you wouldn’t have thought of when you were conscious, busy with your everyday life. It could be anything. It could be me talking to my mom, vocalizing a problem that I have, then I fall asleep and think of something new because she told me. If it were me being conscious and she said, ‘Shay, you could do this’ and I would say ‘no that’s not the best decision’ because I’m so indecisive and I wouldn’t trust myself. But, if it were my mom coming to me in a dream telling me, maybe that’s how I would trust it. I think on some level, she can hear the messages because we were so close and connected compared to reaching out to my dad, but I hope. I always think that this could be something that us humans use just to get us through, which isn’t too depressing either. Whatever helps you cope and whatever helps you get by. It is what it is. If that’s it, then so be it. Let it comfort me, thinking of my mom, hoping that she’s here because I’m not ready to let go. If she is here, that’s great.

“I have a best friend, and we’ve been friends since eighth grade, ever since I told her that she has the whitest teeth I’ve ever seen, we really kicked it off. She was really close with my mom, as well. We were recently at my grandmother’s house because my grandmother wanted to clear all of my mom’s things out before the fourth of July when we were having our family party. I left to go upstairs and Mya was in the basement, where the pool table is. Mya told me that something was there with her and she said that she told my mom, ‘Sharon, don’t show yourself right now, I can’t, I can’t take it, I can’t take it.’ I think Maya absorbs a lot of energy and it comes from her family tree; her mom is like that, as well. They’re 100 percent Polish. They’re always telling me about superstitions like ‘put something red on your suitcase’ or ‘if someone’s mean or showing you negative energy that you can’t take, take their picture and put it facing a mirror so that it will go back to them.’ All interesting kind of prophecies, per say. She said, ‘Shay, I’m hoping it was your mom, but I felt something when you left that basement, I was not alone.’ It’s small things, like maybe she’s coming through to other people if I can’t get to her or if my aura is too cloudy because I have too many conspiracies, I don’t know if that’s the right word, but you know what I mean.”

Yeah, if we’re all made of energy, right? Everything is energy. Energy can’t be destroyed or recreated, so it’s possible that it kind of changes form, but it’s still here in some way. Over the years you spend with somebody, you absorb those memories, experiences, and energy and, if you’re part of their DNA, you share a cellular structure.

“You can really tell. When I was looking at my dad when he was laying there after he passed, I’ll never forget the feeling . . . a shell was a perfect, perfect word to use for that. It’s not just a dead body lying there. It’s empty inside. It’s completely empty. His soul must have gone somewhere because he left whatever it was laying in that bed.”

Yes, you used the word host, which I also like. A spirit, a soul, it’s a host, our bodies are kind of our vehicles, in a sense, to do our work while we’re here.

“I remember when Kyle’s dad passed away, and we were at Yale for days, every day, making sure that we didn’t miss it. He was transferred over to Masonicare. He also passed away from pneumonia. He had esophageal cancer and was really deteriorating. When he passed away, we were in a dead sleep and my sister’s room, before she moved out, because we live in an apartment complex, her room was right by where you park the cars, and our bedroom and our window faces the back yard. I guess Kyle’s sisters were banging on the door early in the morning and my sister heard them and let them in. I woke up by his sister’s barging our door open, saying ‘Kyle, Shay, you need to get up now, you need to go to the hospital.’ This isn’t a common thing, you wouldn’t wake up like that.

“When my mom died, it was the same story. My sister came into my room early in the night and she said ‘Shay, you need to meet me downstairs right now. I need you to come here, get your clothes on, and let’s go.’ I was sleeping with Kyle so I got out of bed quietly. My uncles were there in the living room, and we sat on the couch and they said ‘your mom passed away this morning’ and it was around 3 am. All I can think about was I was so mad at myself for not tidying up the living room. You know when you go to bed, you kind of want to tidy your house a little bit. My uncles are pretty clean and I look around my living room, and it was such a mess and my uncles had never been there before. I had thought ‘if I had just tidied up before bed’ I wouldn’t be thinking this.

“Last night was the same situation, but not as upsetting. I was sleeping, my friends had gone out, Kyle included, and I stayed home with the puppy. All of a sudden, I’m being woken up, there’s two shadows in my room, one of which is my best friend, Mya, and I didn’t know, and now I know, it was my friend, Megan, Kyle was still not home, and it was 2 am. I just saw their black figures. Mya was rubbing my foot and saying ‘Shay, Shay, Shay, Shay’ and I say ‘What? What’s going on? How did you get in my house?’ She said that she just wanted to say hi, she had been drinking, and she wanted to see me, she missed me, and wanted to say hi. I kicked them out and, as I’m brushing my teeth this morning, I thought ‘wow, I haven’t been woken up out of a dead sleep since the last two times and it was horrific news coming my way.’ Wake up, wake up, you need to get up right now. It was so funny, because I thought about that this morning, and that was really interesting.”

Do you have a mantra, a quote, a song lyric, or something that someone has said to you that resonates with you that you’d like to share?

“Hmmm. I don’t know. I think ‘trust the process’ is something I really hold onto, and someone shared that with me when I was really concerned about where I was moving with my career. It was an old associate I worked with at Foot Locker when I was a kid. I wasn’t expecting to hold onto something like that, but now it really drives me sometimes. That’s definitely one of them. I’m sure I have so many.”

When you tap into your mother’s voice and memory of her, is there a particular message or something that’s resounding in your mind?

“Yeah. I think about how she told me I was made to be a strong, powerful, influential person. One of our clients we currently have one time told me that I have the ability to move mountains. I think about that, and it’s such a powerful message. I think that being able to tell someone that or having someone hear that from you really reminds me of my mom. I think that is so powerful because it can be interpreted in so many different ways. I think that’s something I like to deliver and pass on. Even telling it to yourself—you have the ability to move mountains, so you keep moving forward.”

For those who are reading or listening to this, who can relate to any number of thoughts, feelings, or experiences you’ve expressed, what would you want them to take away from this sharing?

“I would want them to take away that life can really knock you upside-down, but you deserve to go through your emotions. I feel like it’s easy to be conditioned to say don’t be angry, don’t yell, don’t scream, don’t punch a wall, don’t cry, you’re weak, especially to the males out there, but you are a human and deserve to go through your emotions, whether you’re male or female. If you want to drive to a field and scream, scream. If you want to be sad for four days, be sad for four days. If you want to cry, cry to your favorite song. But know that you deserve to be happy and you deserve to pick yourself back up. You have that ability, and do that for yourself. Allow yourself to be angry, but know that you will pick yourself back up, and it’s just as important as any of your emotions. Happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, confusion—you deserve all of them. I feel people can get mad at themselves when they’re confused or get mad at themselves when they can’t stop crying. They think ‘I’m sad, I’m supposed to be happy, I don’t want to be around these people, I’m sad, I’m sad.’ It’s okay: be sad. You can be sad. You can 100 percent be sad, cry, not want to open up to people, or open up. You also deserve very much to be happy and to keep moving forward. I think you owe that to yourself, remember that, and pick yourself back up when it’s time.”

Thank you very much for saying that. I think more and more, in the culture that we live in, we’re receiving this messaging that there’s a limited range of emotions that are cool to feel and are human. We are diagnosing, casting out, medicating, and censoring away the more difficult emotions that are also a part of the human experience that deserve just as much attention and honoring presence in our life as happiness and joy; the whole spectrum. Being an artist, you need both light and dark to create contrast and texture, interest and depth. If we were just to have light, happiness, and joy we would not have any comparison to appreciate those moments. There’s a whole range of human emotions.

“A whole range. You got to feel them. You’re human.”

Yes. Thank you for saying that. How has it felt to share these thoughts, feelings, and experiences with me today?

“Kind of like a weight lifted off my shoulders, I think. After something traumatic happens, it’s easy to keep it locked away, maybe in fear that you don’t want to re-experience the emotions that you went through. Time goes on, time to forget, time to keep going. I don’t want to feel that hurt and pain anymore, but I think the more that you share and allow yourself to revisit what you went through in the past, it opens for more healing and you can adapt and learn something more about yourself when you share it with others. Even just talking about it, even though the moment has passed; let’s talk about it. It was a significant part of your life that you went through and you were able to move forward, even if it may have taken a little while. I think sharing it today on this beautiful, hot, windy day—it felt good. It felt good to talk about my mom and my dad. They are who I am and they were great people, really great people. I was brought up with a lot of love, a lot of love, and inspiration to be the best person I can be. Thank you for helping me realize that.”

You’re welcome. Do you think it’s possible that by sharing your thoughts, experiences, and feelings with me today and knowing that this will reach a public audience, whether it’s through a book, a blog, or podcast, someone on the receiving end could benefit or gain hope or inspiration that they’re not alone?

“Yes. One hundred percent, people across all ages, including adolescents who don’t have parents or maybe have parents who aren’t supporting them or just not in their life. I hope that what someone can take away from this is believing in themselves, not overanalyzing all the relationships in their life and trying to help build a bridge or understand another person in your relationship as what it is. How you can make it grow, or how you can heal, or how you can come to peace with your hurting with relationships with other people, if that’s the case, whether they’ve passed on or you want to improve the relationship. I think it starts in you; it really does. Loving yourself, believing in yourself, knowing that you have a purpose, and letting whatever it is grow. You know?”

Right on. Thank you.

“You’re welcome.”

#death #grief #selfconfidence #selfesteem #motivation #emotionalwellness

[heartsofstrangers]

What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

“I think it feels more challenging currently because I’m focused on it with a new attention, different eyes, and an older brain. I think one of the most challenging things for me in all of life has been can I, meaning me, who I am, not pretending, no barriers, can I exist in this world safely? What I mean by that is can my authentic self, in its soft, kind, compassionate, and artistic way of being, just be without being ripped to fuckin shreds because it feels like that’s all they want to do. You can feel it, the moment you leave the house, there’s this sensation, just making twenty paces out of your apartment, that you’re too soft to be on the street right now. You need to rein it in, stop day dreaming, and get the fists ready. I think that’s been a lifelong thing . . . finding ways, places, and communities where I can be myself and not get ripped to shreds.”

Tell me about some of your first times experiencing that?

“Oh God, it’s everywhere, all day. It’s super pervasive. I’m not paranoid about it and I actually don’t think about it, but these moments will arise and it will hit me. You go to school with purple hair, the teacher and your classmates can’t fuckin wait to tell you how terrible, stupid, or ugly it is. You draw a picture, now I’m thinking of children and adult figures, and literally someone is chomping at the fuckin bit to tell you you won’t make money as an artist, it’s a lousy past time, and where’s your career. I think it’s at every turn we make. You go to wear a skirt, a shirt, color of shoes, fuckin choose a lipstick, they’re the dumbest fuckin things. It’s not that I blame the people who are doing the, we’ll call it, hammering because I think people hammer for a lot of reasons. In fact, I would argue, I have no data to back it up, that the majority of people hammer because someone hammered them and they’re really, really glad to see you breaking the mold and, at the same time, they’re really, really trying to save you from the blow of the hammer because they know it already. I think when people say ‘is that what you’re going to wear?’ they actually love it and they would love to live in a world where that is what you’re going to wear and you’re going to go out. When they say ‘is that what you’re going to wear?’ it’s their fear, I’m not saying this makes it acceptable, but their love for you is their fear for your life so they hammer you because if they do it, it’s better than a stranger in a movie doing it. So, that’s how I feel about it.”

As you were saying that, I could also picture a parent or someone you’re romantically involved with saying ‘is that what you’re going to wear?’ but also in a way that’s going to reflect on them in some way and makes them feel uncomfortable.

“Or vulnerable to danger. Absolutely. Absolutely. I’m 44 years old and I’ve learned these nuances that are in life that you wouldn’t have seen before and you get compassionate. I stress to myself a lot is that in these moments, like you said they’re worried about the vulnerability of themselves, they’re still acting, I’ll call it, mal-aligned, but there’s still such immense love there. I think it becomes tricky because you need to mind your boundaries because that’s still not a kind of love you need, but to be able to still recognize that they care so much, but they’re really frightened for your fuckin life. It counts for something, even though you have to put the boundary up that this isn’t the kind of love I need. I used to be in a place where I felt that clearly they hated me, but now I think love is the backing, it’s ironic in a weird way, of some really wonderful things, Flowers in the Attic, toxic things. It’s a weird paradox.”

For those who don’t know, Flowers in the Attic is the story of a mother who is sick or dies, locks the children in the attic, and the grandmother slowly poisons them with arsenic, but they are able to escape and nearly die in the process. So, tell me a little bit about some of your experiences early on with trying to be who you are in a world that wants to confine you.

“I know it. I’ve learned something, which is nice. I’ve learned that I don’t know if I’m actually capable of being who I am not, and what I mean by that is I think people can go to work and “play the role.” It might be a downfall for me because it seems more adaptable to be able to do that, but I just can’t. I just can’t. At some point, the stitches will rip and it will all explode, and I’ll say or do something. It’s been nice to at least realize I’m incapable of that. I wouldn’t go work for the Catholic church because I clearly know it’s not a cultural fit for me, where I think some people could. They could work the mailroom at the Catholic church and actually be a Satanist, or whatever. Some people can do that, but I can’t. I get called a bitch a lot, but what I think people mean is my incapability for pretenses.

“Experience wise, it’s been a little hard because when you can’t fit in, it makes life hard so you go around trying to fit in and you realize you can’t and, at the same time, I leave every time with myself intact. I don’t fracture because I think that kind of behavior can be fracturing. I’m pure as gold because it is what it is, take it or leave it. The flip side of that is when I do find something that fits, such as my relationships with my friends, I have an amazing, amazing group of friends; it’s a circle of about six people. We’ve literally curated our friendships with each other. I know that’s a strange word to say, but I think a lot of us didn’t have great family things going on. We had an idea that if religion is bunking a family up, you would think the family would choose the family over the religion, but that’s not what happened and that’s when all the problems come in. I feel that’s an easy choice. If we were able to choose your family, and in my mind I believe you are, you can literally choose if the preacher up there is saying something and talking about your kid, fuck the preacher, I’m going with my kid, but that’s not a decision people make. We talked about choosing your family and what that would look like, and we all had similar visions. Each of us is so different, vibrant, we take up a lot of space, and yet nobody feels squished, nobody is silenced, and our values are the same. Any of them could call me at 3 am and, in fact, I would be pissed if I found out later something happened and they didn’t call me at 3 am. That’s the kind of friendship.

“This thing about where you fit and you can be your authentic self, I think you need to curate it. I think it’s a very deliberate curation. I think, this is me and I’m not going to talk for anyone else, I have no problem saying “you’re a no, these are the values I hold, this is what I need to be, this is what you need to be, and if this can’t playout for your or I need to make myself smaller for you in any such way, you’re a no,” and I have no fuckin problem with that. I’ll tattoo it on your forehead ‘you are a no,’ you do not get the privilege of me in your life; if you ever change your mind about that, my table is wide open.’ I won’t settle at all. Like I said, it makes the group small.

Quality versus quantity, right?

“I guess. Fantasy with a capital F with the politics we engage in and the community building we engage in, whole neighborhoods and streets that operate like this. The problem is that I don’t see it happening on quite that a grand scale, maybe a community center, a church, or a school. I wish this kind of community building caught on larger scale. It’s also the kind of community where, have you ever heard of the expression ‘if I had two pairs of shoes and you had none, I have one pair too many’? Is it communism? Not quite, it’s just not, it doesn’t fit the mold.

“Corey, so we just reconnected and it’s been years and years and years. You have no groceries and you’re not sure how you’re going to make the week out. I have some, so you’re welcome to my some, but I also have this group of friends and I’d be on the phone and, by the time you left here today, you wouldn’t leave without enough groceries to get you through the week. What I’m saying by that statement is that it is not okay with me that you, Corey Hudson, are without food. If you said I have no food and I said yeah, that blows. No, literally, I am not alright with Corey Hudson having no food. Can we build larger communities like that? I’d like to. I feel like the best I can do is walk out the door, I’m no priest, I’m no saint, I can be the nicest person you ever met, and maybe if I’m hungry or whatever, I can shred you to pieces where you stand and play in your blood. The best I can do is to walk out the door of my house and be attentive, aligned, in the now, in the moment, really in the moment, I’m not regretting the past, I’m trying my best not to stress over the future. I’m here now, today, in this moment, ensure every pace I make throughout the day, each person I meet, every place I go, I do my best. In other words, to walk humbly by a homeless person and ask ‘when was the last time you ate something?’ Three dollars buys a whole loaf of bread. You can’t sit there and eat a whole loaf. If you at least get him that $3 loaf of bread, which I’m not going to pretend that everybody has $3, some people don’t even have that. If you’re able to do the $3, you get the loaf of bread, it’s something, and then you move on from that. Someone standing on the bus, you give them your seat. If I can move through these moments, sometimes I’m successful and sometimes I fail miserably. ‘Hey, you got a quarter?’ ‘Go fuck off; I’m tired, I just got a bill that I don’t know how I’m going to pay, don’t ask me for nothing, nothing, I don’t have it.’

“There’s a game I like to call Steal from Peter to pay Paul, and I lost that game a couple of weeks ago and my electricity went off. I thought I could let it go longer, I gambled, and I lost. Sometimes I scramble and hustle. Thank God, I’m a successful hustle, and it all worked out well. There was that day, I was holding that fuckin letter that it’s going to happen and I was just trying to come up with a game plan, having a cigarette on my balcony, and this dude asked me for a cigarette and I told him to go fuck himself, I didn’t even have electricity, don’t fuckin ask me for nothing, and he said ‘oh, I’m sorry’ and went away. Within five minutes, I thought that didn’t go well. But, for the most part, I try to do my best as I move through the world. Co-creator of this universe, they say, and I just try to create a world of my liking.

I think what you’re describing so eloquently is something I practice too, and I think it’s been how I move through any of my careers I’ve had, “to see a need, fill a need.” If you have the capacity to fill a need you see, don’t wait for permission to do it, you just do it. That also requires boundaries, which I think ties into what you were saying about being hungry or you not having electricity and this snap reaction of fuck off, I can’t help you when I can’t even help myself, of knowing when we have a well that is overflowing and when giving would deprive us of our own very basic needs. I think there’s something to be said for this mentality if we all could move through life with paying attention to what the needs are around us, what our own needs are and what we have, and if we could all give a little bit of something to each other, we would have a much richer, much more connected, kinder community. I think whether that’s happening on a friendship community level like you described the six people, a church, a school, a town, or a neighborhood, it kind of radiates out, and we know that’s what is missing in our society today with the one or two percent of the population.

“It became so clear with the fire at Notre dame. So, oh my God, everybody said there were all these homeless people, we need health insurance, yadda yadda, and Notre dame happen and, within twenty-four hours, four billionaires came together and raised x billion dollars, they had it all along. They’re like the image of a dragon, licking the pile of gold that no one can fuckin touch.”

Yeah, but the pile of gold, I think we talked about this a little prior to the interview and you eluded to it a little bit in the interview, attaining the things you desire and that you think are really going to serve you and bring value, purpose, and meaning to your life, whether it’s a sense of security, your stuff, a relationship, a car, a house, a career, you find that when it’s just you with that stuff, it has no value. It’s just greed and becomes a prison in a sense, like that dragon who’s in a cave with his treasure, isolated, alone, miserable, and angry. It’s when we share that it then has value, meaning, and it brings purpose to our lives.

“I had a really nice moment . . . as you know, I’m starting a new job tomorrow, that’s going to be amazing and I’m going to do well. There’s a woman in this building, who lives down just a bit, and the neighbors have been gossiping, it’s a small community, she has been without electricity for a week or so. I’m actually looking forward to my first paycheck because I think I’m going to slide $300 under her door, unmarked, cash, and let her decide what to do with it, but I can’t wait until that first paycheck because the longer I wait, the longer that she’s in the dark. I’m excited. I like to put, it’s literal this time, my money where my mouth is. I believe in these things I say and I do them. I don’t want her to know that it’s me, I want a plain envelope, all twenties, under the door at 1:00am so I know she’s sleeping. When she says, ‘someone put money under my door,’ I’ll say, ‘how weird, I gotta go to work.’”

That leads me to something that’s important in this idea of being kind, helpful, and seeing needs and filling needs, is compassion. I think, for instance you, having your experience of your electricity being shut off, you know what that feels like, you have empathy, you have compassion, you recognize when someone else is struggling and you know what that feels like, and if you have the capacity to help them, compassion moves you to take some action. I think that is a beautiful quality in much of humanity is that when some tragedy happens or when someone’s chips are down, if we too can relate to that experience or empathize in some way with the suffering or pain of that, we’ll step in. The problem is a lot of times we don’t have to wait for a disaster to happen.

“Or relate.”

Yes, or relate to something.

“There’s a lot happening, especially law wise, with trans things and abortion things. I don’t know . . . I’ll never know what that decision-making process is like. And, I’m also not trans, so I’ll never really know what it’s like to look down and feel like you don’t fit with what you see. I don’t fuckin have to. The thing is people who are experiencing those things are saying this is what I need. I’m never going to fuckin have an abortion, but what do you need? Oh, I need this; fine, I’m going to go in a booth and fuckin vote for this. You’ve literally told me what you need, I don’t fuckin need to understand. I don’t need to wrap my mind around anything; it’s a no brainer. I think it’s interesting because we can both act, like you said, we’ve both lived and experienced a thing, but to be able to act without is equally important.”

Yes, because on any level, we’re all human beings and we all have very basic needs and whether the experiences are the same or not, the emotions, the oppression, and the repression is all the same. So, how does this tie into authenticity, which is what you talked about, finding the space where it’s safe?

“It’s funny that you bring that up, I wouldn’t have thought of it. Things weren’t so hot in my childhood, and they really weren’t so hot into my twenties with family and stuff like that, cultivating healthy relationships, etc. I would say there’s a lot of narratives. Some I had taken on from outside and some I had created myself, of who I am that were really untrue. It was brought to my attention, thank goodness, because I have good friends, from people outside of myself, that they weren’t true. The narrative I think I had made, and probably with good reason, I mean you don’t do things without good reason, even though it’s not a good thing to do, there’s still a reason, was that I was mean. I would cut your throat. I’ll destroy you. I will literally rip you from limb to limb. Don’t mess with me. I have claws. There’s that narrative because when people do mess with you, they actually get that. From their perspective, you are a fuckin bitch because you’re being nasty, but the things my friend would say and bring to my attention, despite not wanting to, because that’s how shadow work works, we don’t want to acknowledge this thing, that fuckin bitches don’t slide $300 under their neighbor’s door. Fuckin cunts don’t buy groceries for the homeless. I say, ‘no, no, no, I’m mean and nasty’, but I’m not actually nasty; I’m actually quite gooey.

“When it comes to authenticity, in a weird way, it comes full circle, knowing that I’m gooey, it comes around to can my gooey exist in this world? I think it does, it does really well, and it does for those who want it to. Either you’re going to get the gooey, and gooey is good, or you’re not, and that’s really unfortunate because gooey is good. In the process of learning who I really am and not needing the armor, I’m not saying to walk through the world completely fuckin naïve, you don’t need to be so armored up like you’re untouchable. In learning how to do that tightrope walk, I tried to think of a metaphor or an analogy, but I couldn’t, but walking through the world like I had two hands behind my back and, depending on what presents itself to me, it’s either going to be flowers or an axe. I hope it’s flowers. That is how I get to be authentic. So far, so good.

Is authenticity dependent upon someone else’s capacity to receive you?

“No, well, I think authenticity is paradoxical, in the sense that I think when alone, there’s something authentic already there, there’s a core, a part, a thing. Now we’re getting real deep into the psychology or anthropology of it. Can we discount our own consciousness as the other? I am authentic in relationship to someone, but I’m authentic in relationship to myself, which I just thought of because I was initially going to say even alone, there’s a core there and then I think there’s also a piece that’s relational. I think we’re also relating to ourselves. I would argue that authenticity, I would even say existence, let alone authenticity, requires relation.”

You alluded to some challenges in your early years. Would you mind elaborating on those a little bit?

“I can tie it in, in the sense that for some reason my family, single mom and brothers, were afraid of me. What I mean by that—I can’t get at the why, I’ll never know the why and I’ve long since stopped pretending to read people’s minds. That’s a very good lesson to learn in real life. If you come home and you say she said hello like this, do you think she’s mad? Just fuckin stop, she just said hello; hello is all the data you have, so just stop, Madame Cleo stop trying to read minds. So, I’ll never get at the why, and we don’t have a relationship now to ask them. They were afraid of me, by that I mean, I might mean a lot of things. Being a child of my decade, was it so drastically different? It was the electronic age coming and I was the first one in the family to have a computer as a child. Was I that foreign to them? Was the thinking processes of my decade so drastically different that they couldn’t relate? There are a million different avenues I could go down. I kind of always, like I said I have a hard time pretending to be something I’m not . . . I just am. They’d find me up a tree and I’d have some fuckin shit, brambles on my head, was it all too much? There’s a lot connections and I’m going to go back to something I said earlier, you choose. If I had a kid and that’s what my kid wanted to do and as long as no one’s getting hurt, including themselves, then I love it, I just love it because they’re my kid. No further analysis of that is required.

“I think we talked about it, but it became the thing of get that off your head, get down here, why are you behaving like that, why are you painting, painting is for girls, it’s a girl color, why do you like it? I couldn’t just be. A very unfortunate thing can happen, when you do that to a kid, it doesn’t get out and gets repressed, but you can make a new kid, and I’m not saying it’s a good one, you can brandish a new kid with all that locked in this little box. I’m thankful because my family was my first lesson in it doesn’t matter what people say, as long as it’s what you know. It’s unfortunate that I had to learn that from my family. Years later, being gay and whatever, it sure as fuck came in useful. Someone would say “hey, faggot” and I’d say, ‘Please, that’s all you fuckin got.’ It is unfortunate because you shouldn’t learn how to let abuse roll off like duck feathers from your mom. Lesson learned, it was good. So, I guess that’s what I mean when I say things weren’t good.

“I can remember between ages ten and fifteen, I started to plot my exit plan because I realized this is not where I wanted to be and looked around and realized other people’s lives didn’t look like mine and I knew I had to go, and I went.”

Where did you end up?

“I left home really early, probably too early. I’m in my forties now, so when I look at anybody under the age of twenty-two, I call them kids; they’ll probably get mad. I can’t believe I left. I left home at sixteen the first time for about four years. I was still in high school at the time and homeless. I was outside Stop & Shop, the people were really nice because I was young, I’m white presenting. It was a different era, the police never harassed me, but also I was never disrespectful. I’m well-read and well mannered. I was quiet, with a sign, they’re either going to throw money in the bucket or not. During the day, I went to school and at night, I did that.

“It was a different time. Do you know those doors to the cellars, that open double? We have those in New England, and if you try a few of them, you’ll find they’ll open, maybe not in 2019. Garages were also easy to open. I could always find a place to sleep in someone’s basement or garage, and always made sure to get out and go to school in the morning.

“I met a very colorful group of folks. It was a flophouse with lots of drugs, but their hearts were in a good place, and that has to count for something. I think that’s where it began, truth be told, now that I look back because anybody who was flopping there, you were not allowed to go hungry or unclothed. It was just not allowed. I think it was my first taste, during my informative years, of what it looks like to take care of each other.”

So, you’re sixteen, in high school, you’re homeless, but found someplace to flop.

“Yes, finally found a place to flop. But, an interesting story, because it’s what popped into my head. I didn’t team up with anybody, and maybe I should have. It probably would have been smarter. I was on my own, making things happen. One night, the blackest of nights, I opened the double doors, went down into someone’s basement, and I usually liked to camp out right near the doors so that if I heard sounds and someone was coming, I could get out quickly. When I went down there, I found someone else there. It was a girl and she was down there, and it took me a moment to realize this wasn’t the person of the house. When I entered a house, I expected the people in it were supposed to be there except for me, so it was strange to find this other person, and she had the same thing going. We didn’t make a team. We didn’t become a fabulous duo. We just had the one night, but it was a nice night.

“I found this flophouse and I came of age in it. I finally got a real job and worked at McDonald’s because that’s about all I could do at my age. And then I had to learn how to use money because coming from a house with no money, you don’t get a lot of lessons about budgeting and how money works because there’s none to teach with.

“It was later in life, in my early thirties, my Saturn return, that I was really able to look back at my family for the holistic picture of who they were. What I mean by that is I really only knew this nasty, choking, abusive, clenching, snap, break, hammer, repeat, snap, break, hammer, repeat. Because I had become an adult, I now had big boy needs, big boy bills, a car, an apartment, it was then that I could sit and think if I was my mom, look at the space I’m living in, it would be me now, holding this pile of fucking bills in my hand and a 7-, 5-, and a 1-year-old. When I go grocery shopping and it costs $40, I’m like oh my God, and the 7-, 5-, and 1-year-old. I have forgiven, but haven’t forgotten. I was able to understand that with no assistance, she didn’t remarry or chase men. It’s unfortunate my mom was not able to have me in her life. The reason it’s unfortunate is because we’re so similar that we would be so perfectly matched. When you’re a child, you have your mom and in adulthood, they become your friend; that’s the ideal. We would be so perfectly matched as friends because I’m super smart, super independent, super loyal, super cunning and crafty, and a little mischievous; all these qualities that my mom was.

“When I was younger, about five years old, I was being a little shit, this was the 1970s, I think we were in fuckin Russell’s, they don’t even exist anymore. This dude kind of gave me a shove, he shouldn’t have because you don’t touch other people’s kids, because I was acting up and bumped into him. My mom, who’s all of 5’4”, 130 pounds max, we were in the hall of the restaurant, she came swooping down that hallway, I was still facing her, she was Lilith, there was just a fury. She put one hand on my back so she could cup me to herself and, with the other hand, she knocked the man in his face and knocked him on his ass and said ‘if you ever touch my fuckin kid again, I will fuckin kill you’, and she meant it. I can be a little like that too. I have all of her qualities, so it’s really unfortunate that we don’t have a relationship.

“Here’s two things because I really need to stop. There’s a geometric shape, it’s the shape of the shell. They say our solar system moves this way. We think it’s the sun with all the planets going around, and it is but even as it is happening, it’s moving, so it isn’t like this, it’s like this. I have to stop telling my stories like this because it escapes me, but I will circle back to say I wonder if she saw so much of herself in me, and her life was hard. She didn’t know what else to do. She knew she moved through life the way she did and it just bashed the shit out of her so if she could make a different person, it wouldn’t happen. To tie it all in, in my thirties, I was really able to examine my family in this way and I’ll call it forgiveness work. I forgave them, I can’t say I excused it and I won’t. I was able to objectively and affectively realize the pressure points that created the people that they were and the pressure points that I kept hitting with my existence.”

How did that shape your relationships following your teenage years?

“I haven’t had a ton of luck with romantic relationships. Sometimes it’s nice to revisit situations and ask if there’s anything you could have done, and maybe here and there a little bit. There was my first one, and they’re so lovely because they’re your first one, and you don’t even remember to acknowledge that they can end because it’s your first one and you think ‘this is it, forever’ and it wasn’t, but he taught me a lot. He taught me a lot about what care feels like, so I appreciate that I got a first one like that, and I’m old enough to know that not everybody does. Then, there was one who moved away. I don’t know how I feel about that. He moved away to do some school/career things, when we were in our twenties. I literally let him go, and I knew in that moment that I let him go. I would never tell someone to stay here and don’t do this career thing. I don’t know if I could do that and live with myself, and then the long distance broke us up. There was another where he asked me if we should have an open or closed relationship, and I said that I could go either way and asked what he thought. He said he wanted to have a closed one, I said that I could do that, and then he cheated. If we had not had that conversation, that exact fuckin conversation, I would have stayed and worked it out. But, we literally had a conversation where I said you can fuck anybody you want, what do you want to do, and he said not that, and he did that. So, I said I gotta go, I just fuckin gotta. I gave it to you on a silver platter.

“Relationships haven’t been super; there have been a lot of small ones. I can make it sound like I’m quick to cut, but I don’t think I am because I won’t cut without a conversation or plan. We can make a plan; I have said ‘hey, you seem to be fuckin drinking a lot, let’s see if you cannot do that and see where were at in six months.’ If in six months you’re still drinking a lot, it’s a cut. There’s been small ones, three months, six months, nothing that’s been rooted, I’ll call nine months the root. It’s been tough because I can be a lot. I said to a friend of mine, they’re bias because they’re a friend of mine, it’s really easy to date me because I don’t demand a lot, and they said Dominique, you fuckin demand everything, and I said thanks. And my friend said that what he meant was that I literally demand everything - they need to show up, be their authentic self, and they need to really peel it open so I can peel it open too; that’s everything. They don’t need to have a car or wear suits all the time, but what I demand is everything and for some people, they can’t do it. You need to be in a place to do it, you need to feel safe to do it. So, there hasn’t been anything.

“I also move through the world not thinking about it. I can be lone wolfish, but not so lone wolfish that I’m completely isolated. I can certainly keep my own company and enjoy my own company, and I have no problems with that. I’m a cat person. I realized the other day, I feel like I’m in a place, physical-plane wise, but also mentally and emotionally, that I think I’m ready again. Before when something came up, someone might tell me I was very attractive, let’s go out to dinner, and I would be like if I’m not doing anything, sure. I’m certainly not going to be ‘marry me’ to the first person that drives by slow enough. I bring a lot to the table. I’m super grounded. I’ve done a lot of the inner work of learning who I am, what makes me tic, what shadows and cobwebs there are, and also immense successes. I know myself in all my parts, and that’s a really good place to be when you’re looking to make a life with someone. I don’t feel like anything is missing. I may want something from them, but I need nothing from them. I feel like I’m in a really good spot to take on somebody and not have it be all complex. What I mean by that is it’s not full of complexes. I’m not lonely. I’m not doing it for financial reasons, or to feel attractive. I’m literally bringing someone into my life because life can be more fun and joyous when you’re a team. That was nice to realize, but I just don’t think about it. So, to even haven the thought, lots of things happen when I’m smoking in the bathroom. That’s when I have my epiphanies.

“The other day, I was super busy and I was on a bus. It was kind of a long ride. I was in a back corner seat, because I like to stare out the window and do my thinking, but I also drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, and do a lot of thinking. I’m a thinker, except with a cigarette. I hadn’t realized it, but all of a sudden, this dude, not too far away from me, said “what are you doing?” What had happened, unbeknownst to me, sometimes you can think and think and get really in, and you run on autopilot, which can be nice at times, but sometimes it’s dangerous because you don’t realize you’re going to walk out into traffic. Autopilot isn’t always great. Because I was thinking, drinking coffee, had time, and was looking out the window, I had autopilot pulled a cigarette out of my bag, had it in my lips, and had the lighter lit, and was about to light up on the bus. I had to snap out of it.”

You talked about arriving in your thirties to a place where you were able to look at both yourself and your family in a different light. Tell me about what your twenties looked like. I would imagine going from a situation growing up where you felt that you were trying to be groomed to be someone that you weren’t into a situation where you had thrust yourself out into society in a way that you didn’t have your basic needs met could have led you to some coping skills or into some situations that were dangerous.

“My twenties were really turbulent. There’s something kind of pressingly important I want to stress because I came to realize it just now because these are specific questions. I clearly speak with my friends all the time about times that I haven’t thought about all at one time. My twenties were extremely turbulent externally. Although the external looked super turbulent, internally, they were less turbulent. What I mean by that is growing up with the family that I did, realizing that I just am who I am, and it’s just never going to happen with these people, so I left. I wasn’t ashamed of who I was. It wasn’t perfect. We all pull in these narratives that get directed at us. Of course, there was some level of shame. There was some level of whatever, but I had never bought into it, is what I’m trying to say. I knew that it was targeted at me, but by the age, I knew the world was targeted at me. In my twenties, I had been in the gay club seen since sixteen or seventeen years old. It was at a different time, I don’t know if they let minors in anymore. Things have gotten weirder and more conservative. I knew full well what others thought of me, but I also knew what I thought of myself was not the same, and I think that’s super important. Thank God for it because if I had bought into it, a whole lot more work would have had to have been done. If I had internalized it, I’m not saying that it didn’t get onion-skinned in, but it had not penetrated. My twenties were super turbulent. How did it manifest? It manifested in, it’s hard to explain, destructive behaviors that I knew were destructive that wouldn’t destroy me, but would destroy the external. I’m going to tie this into something psychological in just a moment because I just had an epiphany.

“I just had the thought that we go through these stages, I don’t mean to adhere to the whole Freudian thing, of our development where we world test, and I think one of the stages is learning to test the creative and destructive powers of our human self. I don’t think I had normal stages growing up because they weren’t nurtured and so now that I had been out of the house for a few years, what manifested was this destructive experiment testing of the outside world of literally I’m checking matter at this point. If I treat this person this way, what happens? If I don’t show up to work, if I walk out of the job, if I throw this TV off my balcony. It was a real scientific experiment. It wasn’t can I get myself so high that I wake up in a ditch, I never came this way. It was what can I do in this world. The thing that’s important to remember, for me anyway, is I didn’t exactly have super great familial relationships and I wasn’t old enough, like I am now, to build crazy, amazing friendships. I knew that I was hurting other people and I cared, but not enough to stop the experiment. I’ve long since forgiven myself; it was a different time. I don’t carry a lot of baggage with me in life. I’m pretty clean, is the word I use.

“My twenties were spent destroying a lot property, sabotaging a lot of jobs, sabotaging a lot friendships, and not being good to people. It wasn’t like haahaahaa I hurt, and now you hurt. That’s not the spirit it was done in. It was more scientific; I went into science now. My brain must work in a scientific way. It was really like that fetal position, when you break someone. There was a science to it. Maybe I should not do that. Oh, if you walk out of your job, they won’t let you come back, so maybe I won’t do that. I know now what happens when I do X, so, in the future, I can X with a contextual outcome that I want to happen. It was like learning boundaries and power.”

And consequence.

“Yes, and consequence. Also knowing that some people move through the world doing that same thing, but they’re enjoying it because it wasn’t super enjoyable. I can’t say it was a joyous time. It was a learning time and like “wow, I can effect change” time, but it wasn’t ‘I feel superb.’ You don’t feel superb when you’re tearing everything down. There was a bit of that, a good portion of that was part of the reason why I left home. It just couldn’t happen. It was already happening. It was wild times and things that I did. I’ve had a very long life. I’m lucky to be alive, and I am alive, and that’s how my twenties went.

“When I was about twenty-eight, I had broken away from the old gang, not a lot of contact with them, and I had a new set of friends. I was doing these things, and I thought that I got all I need out of this. I wanted to see if I could take who I was with my family, who I left that to be because this sure as fuck isn’t dead, and this thing I am now and see if I can Russian-Doll style it to superimpose on each other and make something that isn’t going to eat its own tail and eat itself, and they did. They just did. Maybe I’m lucky. I’d say I kind of got my act together by age thirty-three. I had a fantastic job, relationships were what they were, my boundaries were good, my mental capacity was good, critical thinking was good, and capacity for love was good. All those things you think ‘please God let me grow up and know that I will love something else’, and I did.”

It sounds like your adolescence was a period of trying to be groomed or molded into something that wasn’t you. Your twenties was kind of a stripping away of that, just tearing it down.

“I probably didn’t get a normal adolescent period. I think ages nineteen to twenty-six I would have done that from ages fourteen to seventeen, in a normal household. You break the door, you jump off the roof onto a skateboard, it’s a thing we humans do, which is why kids drive us so crazy. At age fourteen, they’re leaping cars and throwing bottles off roofs - material world testing. I didn’t get it until my twenties. It’s unfortunate because you’re smarter, craftier, and more destructive in your twenties. You can really ruin a life at age twenty-six in ways that you can’t at age thirteen.”

True. It sounds like you didn’t ruin your life.

“No. My self-preservation is strong.”

Along this journey, I know there’s a lot of components to your experiences, thought process, and your reconciling your stages of development, what are some things you’ve learned about yourself over these years that stand out?

“Some of the things I’ve learned are I really adore myself, I really do. I’m quite an exquisite creature and I’m pleased. I have a profound capacity for love, human beings, animals, the world, and the universe, like deep love. I’m super compassionate, really creative, innovative, and a problem solver. I’m also super resilient. Everybody has a plate, we’ll call it, that they can carry things on. My plate is sturdy, man. I’m definitely not weak. I’m super motivated. I’m a visionary and what I mean by that is I set visions and then I move towards them. I’m not one to be “I don’t know what I want to do.” I fuckin know at all times what I want to do, and that’s the direction I’m going. If the car is going this way, you can be in it and go this way, but my car is going this way.

“It’s been complicated. I think it might have been what led me to anthropology. There’s a really complex brain up there, and one of the things this super complex brain is good at is what I will attribute to pattern recognition. How this manifests is almost like the sight, but I’m not going to claim it as “the sight,” but what I’m going to claim is the my brain digitizes, archives, and files so cleanly that after the thirtieth time of seeing something, it can see it coming. So, when I meet someone and they’re like hey, I already know or yes, let’s see. It’s life-saving so I’m really glad I have that. Something will happen at work and I’ll say ‘I think it’s going to go like this’ and you can never fully be sure. It’s always good to test, but be ready if it goes like that. I think it’s just ones and zeros, not down here, but up here. So, I’m grateful for that. I’m something.”

You are something. It sounds like you’ve also acquired the ability to trust that kind of sense of recognizing patterns and being able to trust yourself.

“I trust myself above all others. I do. I had an experience when I was in my thirties where I taught myself to do that. You’re going for a job and your first instinct is to call your friend and say ‘oh my God, I’m going for this job, what should I do? What should I wear?’ It’s not that your friends aren’t good to bounce ideas off of, but there’s something special that happens when you call no one and you do it alone. The voice you’re checking in with is your fuckin own. Now I do both. I check in with myself and my friends, if I wish. There was a moment where I realized I never checked in with myself. I knew what I wanted, but I never just sat with a problem in my belly and solved it single handedly. I think it’s the majority of what I do now.”

How has that changed your life, or not, by moving towards checking in with yourself?

“I don’t know if it’s changed my life. It has definitely changed the way I operate in the world and the universe. I feel like a God. That’s what Gods do. They make decisions and make things happen. I had a friend who recently entered my life who has, I don’t know what happened. Some friends you travel with all the time and others you kind of loop in, then you’re gone for a few years, and then you loop in and pick up where you left off. The last time we looped in, he came back like an addict. I don’t know where it came from. This was a two glasses of wine at dinner kind of man and suddenly he came back as an addict and had lost everything. What I told him, is what I realized, and this will tie in, is that I’ve watched, I think he has forty days sober, and he’s fresh, soft, and vulnerable, him struggle through addiction and not use. He asked me to be his sponsor and I told him no, that I thought he needed an official sponsor who’s actually been an addict and has done the thing, so he has a sponsor. Of course, I’m his friend, so I can be there as a friend. Watching him, as his friend, go through this thing and not pick up again, and you think we’ll have a good day, but it’s like a minute to minute fuckin thing. He got his thirty-day chip and I told him that watching him battle and overcome his addiction has literally brought me closer to God. What I mean by that is I’m not crazy religious, but I believe there’s something, there’s a spark of it in every single one of us. To watch him do what he’s doing and see the strength, resilience, and grace that it takes, if I believe what I say I believe, then what I’m seeing is the resilience, strength, and power of God, and all things in the universe.

“When I say that I make my own decisions, what I’m learning about myself and the universe is the power. It’s almost the flip side of the coin or maybe the light and shadow have finally made gray on me. In my twenties, I think I was trying to get at what I get now, and what I get now is the power of existence to decide and manipulate matter and create. I’m just really grateful for it.”

Yeah, right. In that way, we are God.

“I think God exists in our relationships and nowhere else, if truth be told.”

In terms of relationships, we started this interview talking about authenticity through relation to ourselves, and it sounds like you’re been able to arrive, cultivate, and maintain that space within yourself where you are honoring who you are and you’re not abandoning or neglecting that space in any situation.

“I feel good about it. What I’m really excited about and I firmly believe that if we’re no longer learning we’re either dead or should be, or have already; we’re just the walking dead. So much has happened, lost and gained, more gained than lost. You never know when your time is. On human assumptions, I have another thirty or forty years to go. So, I’m really excited to be here and know that thirty years are behind, and this is what has happened. I can’t imagine what will happen when I’m seventy, and I’m really excited for it.”

Do you have a favorite quote, mantra, song lyric, or something that someone has said to you that really resonates with you that you’d like to share?

“I do. It comes back to my mom. Like I told you, we’re super similar, even though we don’t speak. The line is ‘know your own story.’ The reason I say that is I would tell my mom, ‘These kids at school said this or that, or whatever,’ and she would say, ‘Is it true?’ I would say no, but people believe it and she would say, ‘Yeah, and that will completely fuckin happen, but it doesn’t matter about all of that, you need to know your own story, really KNOW it because if you don’t know your own story, people can say things like I think you’re not being very nice and you know that they’re incorrect, or that you’re very irresponsible, and you know that’s not true.’ Or, the adverse, if you really KNOW your fuckin story, someone can say I think you are being petty and you can say, not that I’m going to stop, but I think you may be right. Nobody tells you you’re fuckin story and that can go for good things, too. How many times in life does it happen that somebody says, ‘oh, you’re so forgiving, I love it’ and what they really mean is you’re letting everybody fuckin walk all over you. Really it’s more like ‘no, I’m really not so fuckin forgiving, if you ever do that again, you’re done.’ So, ‘know your own story.’”

That’s really powerful and it definitely brings us back full circle to authenticity because I think that is what the crux of authenticity is - knowing your own story, honoring it, respecting it, and not buying into what someone else is trying to tell you what your story is because that is part of the narrative that we then adopt into our thinking, the way that we perceive ourselves, and the way we portray ourselves in the world around us.

“Yeah. I was really young, nine or ten, when she said that. She taught me a lot. She taught me how to be a woman in the world. Do you know what I mean by that? I’m clearly male and identify as male. Oh, your mom is a single mom as well? They just operate different because they have to. It’s not because there’s something intrinsically different about women. It’s because the game is rigged differently and it takes different strategies to be a women. When she was a parent to me, where a dad might say ‘you got to throw the football,’ my mom would say let people think that they’re super smart, like your boss, let them think they did something for you or they fixed it. Maybe not so much now, it was a different generation. I think those games, or navigation and strategies. By the time I came of age, my teenage years and into my twenties, I wasn’t a feminist, I hadn’t read feminist literature or anything like that, but I saw women as equal, and I also knew what it was like to be a woman in the world. It’s just interesting.”

It’s interesting that you brought that up, because I had a father growing up who was not really present in much of my life, even though he was there and would sleep there. I’ve always respected and admired women. They are, for the most part, the ones I turn to for a sense of power, strength, knowledge, and wisdom because of the way they operate. Those who do step up to the plate and bring forth a movement or their own authenticity or artistry in some way, I have always been captivated by that. Even though I’m male, I think there’s a very big part of me that is feminine, and I believe that we all have that sort of ying and yang. While growing up, I felt similarly being bullied or confined with terms like faggot, homo, fem, or things like that, those qualities were kind of diminished. I’m grateful now that they still exist and they’ve been honored. I’ve definitely taken some twists and turns of exploring what that meant to me, of who I was, and how I identified with that. I’m so grateful there are strong women who are being authentic, showing up in this world, and there are men who respect that and are not threatened by it, because I think that creates a lot of the decisions we were talking briefly about, like abortion. If we can consider that we don’t need to empathize with, we don’t need to have a uterus and we don’t need to have breasts or whatever to have been oppressed, and say that’s a valid need. The world would be a different place if we could look at the needs that are coming up, whether it’s acts of violence, which are forms of communication of needs.

“I’m curious what the fear is. We’ll never know because they’re not going to confess. They must look at resources and things as like a big pizza. What is it, a zero sum game? If I give this slice to you, I don’t get that slice, and they’re not looking at the pizza holistically. When someone says they can’t go have an abortion, but if you want to go have one, that’s completely fuckin yours and your alone fuckin decision. I don’t have to have one. For people unable to do that, I’ll always be curious what are the synapses firing in their brains at that moment.”

I think in a lot of ways the fear comes back to if I open myself up to this possibility then that brings every other belief and stance I’ve taken in my life into question, and I’ll have no solid ground to stand on. I think many people find security, as isolating and miserable as that can be, they find some sense of security on that platform and behind those walls. I think it definitely comes down to that—if you open yourself up to this thing then everything else comes into question.

“Correct. It just implodes.”

It’s necessary. In order for the rebuilding of something new, the whole thing has to be deconstructed or delaunched. I haven’t seen you in about twenty years, I come to visit you, and propose that you’re not only going to catch up with me, but you’re also going to open your heart and your mind in these ways to share with a broader audience. How has it felt to talk about these thoughts, feelings and experiences with me today?

“Um . . . it’s multi-level. On the one hand, I can be sappy and nostalgic. I got a lot of porcupine prickles but, at the same time, extremely almost maudlin, sappy, and sentimental. I say I like to spiral over familiar ground, so I’m always spiraling in, getting something new, spiraling out, and applying it to life. It’s been nice to spiral over these years again, revisit some things and see if there’s anything that’s still pulling me down, see if there’s anything that needs cleaning, erasing, or do I have a new outlook on things.

“To know that it goes to a broader audience, I’m old enough to know, at this point, that maybe in different nuanced ways, someone out there has, does, and will feel as I do in life at various stages. Ruth Benedict calls it the great arc of human potentialities when there’s a lot of things—variability. There’s someone who feels as I did when I did at sixteen, when they’re sixteen, when they’re forty, or felt it last week. I know someone will hear this and someone may say I have no idea what this gentleman is talking about, but then I think someone will. I think my stories lend an ear to queer people, disabled people, people of color, and people who are different. But, really they’re not different, that’s the thing, they’re perfectly well within the arc I spoke about, but somebody with power may make their lives miserable for it. That’s really what it is. Let’s say I’m swimming in the ocean and a five-headed turtle approaches and wants to play, maybe not everybody, but my new thought is nature accommodates five-headed turtles, and it’s as simple as that because there it is. Hopefully, someone will hear it and be positive, get some nuance from it on how to tackle something that they’re thinking about. Even if it’s just entertainment, as long as someone hears it and thinks something. I don’t have to dictate what they think, just something, anything.”

Awesome. Thank you.

“Thank you.”

#homelessness #abuse #mentalhealth #resilience #adolesence #sexuality #identity

[heartsofstrangers]

What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

 “I’ve experienced a lot of challenging things, as well as a lot of good challenging things recently. Growing up, I was in an abusive family and my dad was very abusive to my mom. Overcoming that was super hard for me, and being there for my mom, more than anything. Getting older and understanding that this isn’t the way a person should treat somebody, even though that’s all I knew. And then getting into a relationship with somebody, burying myself and thoughts that I experienced because I didn’t want to cause harm on anybody else, even though I wanted to share my experience as more of an outlet for me but, at the same time, let others understand who I am and where I came from. I suppressed that for so long because, again, I didn’t feel it was needed and, it ended up, over time, after a very long relationship of mine ended, that’s when I started to realize that this is something I need to talk about more and get it out because it was suppressing my feelings. Over time, I didn’t know who I was and I was happy with who I was, but I always thought it was other people who weren’t happy with me because, again, my experiences. After my relationship ended, I started seeing a therapist. It was probably the hardest six months of my life because I had to pull out demons and things that were in my past that I suppressed for so long, but I knew they needed to come out and I needed to talk to somebody about them. That, I would say, is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

 “Fast forward and now I’m doing something as challenging, but not as dark and sad. I made a career change about 2-1/2 years ago. I decided I didn’t want to be a retail manager anymore after working my way up the ladder, going to school for business. I decided to throw in the towel because it wasn’t something I was happy doing. I promised myself I would never do something I wasn’t happy with, and I was continuing to do that. The pay was phenomenal, I always had financial stability, and it was hard to walk away from. I decided to throw in the towel, apply to nursing school, and I moved about 700 miles away from home to start fresh and to start a new career. Right now, I’m trying to maintain that financial stability. I had made very good money and my lifestyle didn’t go away although my salary did. Trying to maintain the lifestyle I created for myself while putting myself back through school at age 30 has been quite challenging, but in a different aspect to where it’s rewarding to me. It’s not something that I need to get out or something that is never going to change. I’m not depressed about it. I don’t wake up in the morning thinking it’s going to be another bad day, I have to go talk to somebody, or I got to go do this. It’s really opened my eyes to the meaning of life itself.

 “Nursing school is probably, again, the hardest thing I’ll ever (hopefully) do because I can’t imagine doing something like that, but it has been extremely rewarding. Even when I’m struggling with work or finances, I understand that, at the end of the day, I’m helping somebody improve their quality of life and I’m helping families that think it’s the end of the world because somebody is sick or somebody has passed. I’m able to share my past experiences, emotionally, by channeling my emotions through them and consoling them, which is probably my favorite part of the job. It’s hard to see people sad, but I find pride in it because I’m able to take that very negative experience in their life and make it a positive one. No matter how bad my day is, I always know that I’ve helped someone in a positive way.

 “Recently I had my first patient pass away on me. I’m a nurse tech now, working my way through nursing school. I had cared for her for three days and she was healthy, not healthy, but she looked healthy. She was speaking like a normal person. She wasn’t sick. She was laughing and joking. My eyes were really opened. I had come in for my fourth shift and she had a rapid decline, which was expected. She was in her 80s and had cancer all throughout her body. To see something change like that - it wasn’t something I was expecting. I’m glad it happened so early in my career because one of my biggest fears was having someone pass away in my care or someone that I had cared for. I took the patient’s vital signs, and they weren’t good. I put some music on the TV and about an hour of me arriving on my shift, she passed away. I felt myself in a very somber and quiet mood for the rest of the night, with no thoughts at all. It was almost like meditating. It was a very weird feeling, and then on my drive home, it hit me that life is so precious. It can go from something good to not being there anymore.

 “Sometimes I’m an introvert, but I’m also extremely extroverted. I love people, but I also harbor myself away sometimes because I feel like my personality is a little overwhelming. My mother constantly calls me and there’s times I look at the phone and say, ‘what the hell does she want now’ and won’t answer it. My mom and I are best friends, but there’s times where I just don’t answer the phone. That night driving home, I picked up the phone, and I don’t ever really call her, and called my mom because I could have gotten to an accident on my way home or something could have happened to her, and I’m 700 miles away. Experiencing that really opened my eyes largely to the fact that no matter how bad things are in life, it’s the most precious thing you’ll ever experience.

 “My life has been a roller coaster but, at the same time, I look back and wouldn’t change a thing. Even though I lived through hell for many years, my mom dealt with a lot of things with four kids on her own. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else. I wish it didn’t happen, but I wouldn’t change it if I could go back. I feel that every day when I wake up that’s what has made me who I am today. Being able to see the different things in life - going from having financial stability to not, being in an abusive family and seeing different aspects of life to where people can be good. Growing up, I never trusted anybody. I always thought ‘you never know what’s up their sleeve, you never know what’s going on.’ As I’ve progressed through life, I wouldn’t say that I trust too many people, but I don’t care what they’ve done or what their past is, I still give them a chance until they personally affect me or burn that bridge.

 “I actually had a conversation the other day with a friend of mine, who’s extremely religious and, I’m not at all. I find my religion to be waking up, having morals and values and, if I do something wrong, not necessarily repenting, but really understanding that tomorrow, when you wake up, it’s a new day and I can’t continue to do what I was doing. That, to me, is forgiving myself. We had a conversation about how people are viewed whenever they commit a crime or something happens, as largely as sexual abuse. The instant it comes across the news or in the paper that someone was molested, you hear the majority of people shouting ‘hang them’ or do this and that to the person who committed the crime. I had things happen to me, more physical, but I still never think that the person should be killed for it. I immediately start thinking what went wrong in their life and what caused them to do these actions. I’m sure there are some people who are born innately bad; I don’t know—I’m not a scientist. I do believe that 99 percent of people are born good and they experienced bad things that created their behaviors. By lashing out and attacking people who commit crimes and do things like that, I feel like you’re enabling them to continue to do what they’re doing because obviously something went wrong in their life. Again, I think my past experience has enabled me to think that way. I, fortunately enough, was able to have positive people in my life, not all negative people. I could have easily become an abuser or gotten into drugs and alcohol. We all have addictive personalities to something - it could be coffee, cigarettes, or porn. I think it all matters who you situate yourself around. If you’re around negative people, don’t take in their negativity and change your mindset into a positive mindset, and that’s what I did.

 “Going back to what I was said, we’re in a world of very sad times. I think it’s more the fact that things are readily available to us so I think things have gotten worse, but I think it’s because we can see them. Instagram, My Space, Facebook, the news – things are just so more readily available to us. My goal is to, at some point in life, be able to teach people to inspire others. Never judge anybody. No matter what a person did, never think the worst about them until you know what caused it, no matter what it is. People speed to work because they’re running late. People abuse others because typically they’re not happy with themselves or that’s all they know. My goal is to open the eyes of people, although I don’t really know how to do it. Every time I encounter somebody, I try to respect them. If I feel like they’re a negative person, I don’t immediately say I don’t want to be around them. If they’ve done something wrong to me, I don’t immediately say that I hate them or can’t stand that person. It’s more that I want to understand what’s caused their actions. My mom always tells me I should have been a therapist or I should be a therapist, and I say ‘no, I have my own problems.’

 “I would say that my biggest challenge is that my eyes have been opened to the world through nursing, and understanding people at a different level, and it’s challenging to see when others, I don’t expect anybody to have the same beliefs as me, but I also expect everybody to give every single person a chance because they’ve been given a chance once their life, too. So, that to me, is a huge challenge.

 “Two years ago, I moved to the South, and there’s a huge difference. It’s a much faster pace in the North. We don’t really mind others’ businesses as much as the South does. For me, creating friendships with people that grew up totally different lifestyles than me, I never judged them and tried to understand where they come from. I have a very, very good friend and our friendship is extremely strong, but we’re complete opposite. There are some days where I feel it’s going to affect our relationship, and that’s why I’m trying to have a better understanding of where she’s coming from and how her family was raised. I’m not really religious, but I respect those who have religious beliefs because I feel that whatever makes you a good person, do it. Whatever you think is keeping you going or giving you hope, do it. It’s hard because whenever I express myself in a manner that’s not, I guess religiously correct, I feel like I’ve offended her or vice versa; she may feel that she’s offending me. I’m currently trying to understand how our friendship can still be very strong without causing harm or offending each other when a topic comes up. I’m a huge debater but, when it comes to a friends, the debates should be left at the door because they could ruin a friendship. Those are some of the challenges that I’m dealing with right now.”

 Yeah, there’s quite a few. I’d like to go back to some of them and revisit them, starting with your childhood. You talked about witnessing abuse or receiving abuse personally. Tell me more about that.

 “It’s funny, if you had asked me five years ago to talk about it, I would have stormed out the door and drove home because it’s something that I’ve harbored inside me for a very, very long time, and it was more to protect my mother because she had enough things to deal with. My siblings had a lot of problems that came forth during adolescence. At a very young age, I felt that I needed to be the one to help my mom out because my she worked very, very hard just to keep the lights on. About two weeks before Christmas, three or four years after my mom split up with my dad, the lights would go out. It felt like a tradition and we joked about it as a kid. When I looked back at it, I can’t imagine how devastating that was for my mother. It was because she was trying to provide for us for Christmas and the electric bill would be unpaid for a little bit. I bottled everything up that happened to me.

 “Two of my siblings were abused by my father. I was touched by my father, but wouldn’t call it sexual abuse. Seeing others and hearing others’ experiences, sexual abuse to me is a more aggressive behavior, but again, it affects every person differently, every person sees things differently, and every person deals with it differently. I didn’t think it was devastating enough that it was going to cause me harm. I felt like it was going to be more devastating if I shared it with my mother because she had already been through it twice with two of my siblings. As a young child, around 8 years old, I thought that I should probably tell her, but I didn’t want to cause her any harm and I didn’t want her to blame herself . Then I forgot about it, not that it ever went away, but I suppressed it for so long that it was like it wasn’t there, although it reflected in my personality and who I was, but I didn’t know that.

 “When I was about 16 or 17, I would say that I went a good 5 or 6 years without thinking about it; it was in the years of my life where I was pretty much unstoppable. I was a teenager and didn’t want anything to bother me. I felt like I focused a lot on things that I needed to do as a teenager. When I turned 18, I thought that there was something wrong with me, and thought ‘how is this not effecting me?’ You see it on the news, Lifetime stories, and people are distraught for years. Was it something that I did that didn’t cause me much harm, but it was because I bottled up for so long. Then I got into a relationship and, I look back on it now, and my ex used to tell me that I had a problem because I took a bunch of selfies all the time. I took them, but never posted them. My phone was full of selfies and he said to me that he thought I had a problem. I asked him what he meant by ‘a problem.’ They’re just pictures. That was when Facebook was really big and selfies were a big deal. He told me that he thought I had body dysmorphic disorder and I said, ‘no, I don’t think I do’. Our relationship went on and the topic came up a few times.

 “After the relationship ended, I went to see a therapist and that’s when everything from my past came up. It was the first time I had ever talked about it to anybody at the age of 26. I held it in for a very long time. To this day, I haven’t really talked to my mom about it, but I let her know that there are things in my past that I didn’t talk about and I’ve let them go. I never let her know that I didn’t really talk about it because I was keeping her from harm. I felt that it would hurt her more than it would have when I was a kid. I let her know that I was strong enough so that I didn’t have to let it out until later.

 “The therapist asked me about my relationship and I told her he used to say I had a problem, body dysphoric disorder. She asked why and I shared with her about that. It was probably about our tenth therapy session and it hit me when she asked me if I was happy with who I am. I thought that I make bad decisions, like everybody else, but I would think that I’m happy. There were four days between our therapy sessions, and she made me take the normal amount of selfies that I would take in a month, she made me take them in four days. I thought it was extremely weird and I thought how is this going to work. I took my random morning pictures, my car driving pictures. When I went back to therapy, she asked me to look at all of the pictures and pick out the best pictures. I think there were 80-something pictures. She didn’t tell me until after that she wanted me to pick out at least eight pictures; I looked at the pictures and I was only able to pick two. She said ‘you only picked two, that’s less than 5%.’ She asked if I wasn’t happy with them and I said that I didn’t look good, I look bad, I look terrible. She said she wouldn’t say I had body dysmorphic disorder, but she wanted to find out more about what I saw wrong with the pictures, because they were pictures of me and she couldn’t tell the difference between the second and third pictures and she wanted to know what difference I saw. It dawned on me that I had been putting on a fake smile for a long time. The only pictures I could pick out were the pictures that I felt I was actually smiling a real smile. From that moment on, I realized that I can’t hide behind a smile. Everybody can smile. You say ‘cheese’ and somebody can smile. Now, just sitting here today, I can say that nothing has changed with taking pictures of myself. If you look at my Instagram it’s full of pictures of myself and people probably think that I’m full of myself, but now it’s because I can’t get enough of it because I am actually happy.

 “I was able to let go of a lot of things that were bothering me. I would say that I smile now because I’m happy. I’m not smiling for a picture or I’m not smiling because I’m trying to hide something. I’m smiling because I had an opportunity to change other peoples’ lives and I’ve had an opportunity to change my own life. Some people don’t get that opportunity. Some people feel like they’re not strong enough and they take their own life or they take someone else’s life or they end up abusing someone else because that’s all they know how to do. I smile today because I was able to conquer that and get past that.

 “Like I was saying earlier, that’s why I can’t judge a single person. When I was a store manager in retail, customer service was the big thing, and that’s what drives a business. When you talk about surveys, it gets annoying. As a manager, you have to drive that customer service. I don’t know if you’ve seen the Chick-fil-A training video, but it is probably one of the most inspiring two-minute videos I’ve ever watched, and that is how I think and have thought for a very long time. The video has customers walking around the restaurant, ordering food, and a little girl walking to a table with her dad. It has quotes above each person’s head which say something like “this person just found out they had breast cancer, this person just got accept to a college; this person just got her Visa after 15 years; this person, who is 8 years old, her mother died giving birth to her and her father blames her to this day.” There’s some good, but some really sad things in there. That’s my thought process on life: you never know what a person is going through. You can walk past a person who has been through way more than you, and you may not have opened the door for them or you may not have smiled at them. Just those small things could have changed their whole day. To me, wake up and be a good person. You don’t have to go overboard. You don’t have to kill people with kindness. You don’t have to be cheesy; just smile and be a good person. If you have something bothering you, just let it go. In the long run, you’re only hurting yourself and the others around you because we act on things subconsciously. I had for years; I thought I was happy with myself and I wasn’t, and it was affecting relationships around me and it was affecting a lot of things. It was affecting my ability to reach for goals I wanted.

 “To this day, I look back and wish the things that happened to me, didn’t happen, but I look at it now as a blessing because I think that it’s truly made me a better person. The only thing I wish that had changed was that my father got help when he was a kid. I hate him. I really do; but it’s his actions that I hate and it’s the fact that, after all of it came out, I didn’t see any care there at all. That’s the only reason why I hate him, but I still, to this day, wish him the best. Hopefully, some day, he can let go of the things that happened to him and I hope that he’s not continuing to hurt others. Most people would wish death on someone like that or they would say ‘I hate what happened to me or I hate this or that,’ but I can’t ever say that. I just really wish that he had gotten help. Hearing stories about my grandparents, aunts and uncles (his family), before I was around, I believe there was abuse from my grandfather and there were things in that relationship, and I can guarantee that’s where his actions came from. I really wish there had been someone there for him before it turned him into, not a bad person, but resorting to those actions. Again, I think that’s where it comes from. We all act on something for a reason. We don’t just act. We’re not robots. We’re not computers. There’s always a reason for our actions.”

 Many folks who have talked about being abused, sexually in some way, have not only carried that shame for many years for many reasons, because they’re afraid someone isn’t going to believe them, or they’re going to lose connection to their family, or they deserved it in some way or they provoked it somehow. How did that manifest for you?

 “I never thought I deserved it. I never thought I was going to cause harm on somebody. I think my experience was shaped a little differently because I had two siblings who came out about it before I ever did. So, I knew that my mother would have believed me. I really didn’t have a good relationship with my father’s family to begin with, so I didn’t feel like I was going to lose any type of relationships. My main reason for not coming out about it was that I didn’t want to cause any more harm to my mother. It’s not an easy thing when you see someone providing for you, blaming themselves for something, and see or hear them up late at night, either throwing up or crying. I didn’t want to be the reason why that behavior for her continued, and I knew that it would. I knew that if I came out, my mother would have felt that it was another thing that she could have or should have prevented, and she would have thought that it was her fault. Really, the reason was to protect my mother, and I don’t regret it. I don’t regret it at all because my mother tried to take her life when I was 10. I think that if I would have come out about that, she would have because it would have been another stone on her shoulder. I don’t regret not coming out about it until I was in my twenties. I feel like I was strong enough to be able to hold onto it for that long and, had I not been strong enough, I would not have held onto it for that long. I wouldn’t have had any other choice. Knowing what my mother was going through, knowing that she was still making it, waking up every day with a smile on her face, and trying to provide, I knew that I had the genes to be a strong person and I could carry this with me and I didn’t have to come out with it then. That was my reason for not coming out then. My mom is my best friend to this day. Sometimes I don’t think I show her, but I think she knows. When I told my mother, I knew that it was the right time. It was when my mom was stable enough (her life has never been easy to this day), but I felt like she would be able to hear it once we all grew up and she was able to see the good in us, that she did raise good kids, and that she had made good decisions for us. That’s when I felt like I was able to come out with it.

 “My brother went off to the military and ended up with an injury. He has PTSD, but he was a brave man. He did a lot of good things and I have a beautiful niece. My sister went to college and I have another beautiful niece by her. I have a gay brother who’s a little crazy. I looked around and was able to see there’s enough good in our lives at this point that by me telling my mother, after I went to therapy about it, she wasn’t going to blame herself. If you’re a good parent, you typically blame yourself for things, it’s just what you do, but I knew she wouldn’t, and she didn’t. I called her. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to be there with her. I hate texting or talking over the phone when it comes to important things, but it was on my plate, in the forefront with my therapist, and I knew that I needed to make it go away as soon as possible and it wasn’t something that I could drag out. I was also going through a relationship break-up. When I had the conversation with my mom, she cried. She was devastated to know that I had held onto it for so long, but it was almost a cry of joy as though I was letting go of it. She apologized, said that she was sorry that it had happened to me, and she never once said that she blamed herself. The fact that she didn’t, I knew that what I did was right. And, here I am, four years later, I’m very thankful for the way I was able to hold onto it and be there for my mom, when she needed me.

 “My mom was pretty much single for about twenty years, although she dated a guy for a while a few years back. We never thought that she would get married because she got married once to my older brother’s father. It wasn’t really an arrangement, but it was a teenage thing, and he was abusive as well. Then, she ended up with my father, who was extremely abusive. He put her in the hospital and did a lot of crazy things. He broke into her house after she threw him out. He always denied me because my whole family are gingers-all redheads. When I was a kid, I was 100 percent pure blonde. He used to say that I wasn’t his kid, “he’s not my kid, he’s not my kid.” His family pretty much said the same thing and it was because my genes were like my mother’s. We look very similar. As a kid, she had blonde hair which turned into sandy brown. I never thought that my mother would put herself through the pain of a relationship again and thought that she was going to die alone, but she got married in August, and it was a huge shock to all of us. She told me that she was dating a guy for four years and she was completely unhappy. He wasn’t abusive physically, but emotionally, he never wanted to do anything with her, and that’s all my mom ever wanted. It wasn’t hard for me to see my mom because I knew she was a strong enough woman to kick his ass out when she felt like it was too much for her.

 “At the time of my break-up, we were really there for each other. She decided that it was time for Chuck to go. She threw him out, lost a bunch of weight (she was overweight for a long time), and did it in a healthy way. She asked me what she could do, I wouldn’t say I’m the healthiest person, but I try to focus on fitness—it’s a stress reliever for me—and she lost 90 pounds in a year. Right around the time, I came out with my therapist and talked to my mom. My mom had told me that she had been seeing a guy, which was very strange for me because she had just gotten out of a relationship and my mom’s not that type of person. But, I was happy for her and this name ‘Junior’ kept coming up, and I thought it sounded familiar, like she had talked about him before. She had been best friends with him for the past three years, just very good friends, and everyone used to say, after she split up with Chuck, that she should date Junior, and she would say ‘hell no, it’s not going to happen.’ She ended up getting together with this guy, I had never met him for about the first year, although I had seen some pictures of him. I told my mom that he was not a man that I would have ever expected her to be with. He has a biker past and used to be a biker. He has a long ponytail, balding in the front, with a long ponytail of hair in the back. I thought ‘okay, I don’t know about this guy - my mom has two gay sons-this isn’t going to go over well.’ That’s where my judgment came into play and that’s why you never judge a book by its cover.

 “Two and a half years pass and my mom had told him several times that she would not get married again. He proposed to her, even though she said that, and she said yes to him. She called me, told me she was getting married, and I almost fell off my friggin chair. At that moment, I knew that my mom was happy, sincerely happy. I was 28 years old when she told me, and my whole life, my mom had never been happy. So, this was a huge, huge relied to me. The months went by and she picked the worst friggin week to get married. It was the last week of school during my finals and, again, she lives 700 miles away, but I hiked my ass up there to the wedding. I used to play this song, it’s cheesy I know, it’s called ‘I’ll be’ by Reba McEntire, because, again, going back to holding things in, not to cause harm to my mom, that was our song. I believe it came out when I was 8 years old. To me, I was the only man to actually, even though my brothers were there, hold my mom up and be strong for her. That’s basically what the song is about, that no matter what, you’ll be a shoulder for her. Surprisingly, I didn’t cry at the wedding when the song came on, but I played it for my mom because ( it’s hard for me to say this), I told her that this is the last time I’m going to have to play this song because she finally has somebody who cares about her. I don’t think I cried because I was relieved. I try not to get emotional with my mom because she’s freakin sappy as hell, and she’ll make me cry so I don’t get emotional with her.

 “As stressed as I am right now with school and my finances-sometimes I don’t know how I’m going to pay my next bill, I do have people around me that if I ever need anything, I’ll never go without, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. There’s so much good in the world and I believe good things do happen for people. People like my mom, who lived her whole life miserable, and my biggest fear was that she was going to die unhappy, and now I know that won’t happen and I’m at peace. Your past doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. I think that it’s appreciation for life and appreciation for anybody around me. So, that’s pretty much my past.”

 You talked about carrying this for years to protect your mother; you felt that she wasn’t in a space where she could hear that without it having some sort of negative impact. How did that impact your life and your relationship holding onto that? Were you aware that it was having an impact? Did it?

 “I look back, and I don’t think that it affected me in my childhood. I still, to this day, believe that if it would have come out, it would have affected me worse because of my mother. I’m not saying that she wasn’t strong enough to handle it, but I couldn’t see her hurting anymore. I don’t have it in me. I don’t have a mean bone in my body. I felt it was cruel, and I couldn’t do that to my mother. I did have some behavioral issues and was diagnosed with ADHD when I was three, but who isn’t a little hyper. I did have some behavioral issues in high school and I’ve wondered if that caused them, but I don’t really know. I don’t act out like that. I think it was me just trying to get attention. I don’t blame myself for it happening, but as a child you do wonder why it happened; you don’t know why, and the fact that I wasn’t really accepted by my father, he said I wasn’t his, and his family was the same way towards me. It came to the point where Christmas cards would come addressed to Dustin, David (wasn’t his, and he knew that), and Danielle, and my name wasn’t even on the card. I think, maybe in that aspect, my behavioral issues may have come from that, acting out just to get attention.

 “I think where it really came into play was when I was an adult. I was on my own, I was my own person, and what has happened in my past starts to really show on who I am. I was in a very loving, caring relationship. We traveled together, we put each other through college, and we had the time of our lives. Near the end of the relationship, there were some trust issues. I didn’t trust him and then he didn’t trust me, and it was back and forth. We lived together for three months after we split up, and that’s when our communication opened up. He was the first person that I ever told that I had been bottling something up for a very long time. I remember huddling down on the living room and just balling for the first time, in a very long time, about it. I didn’t tell him exactly what had happened, but told him that there were some things that happened to me that I needed to talk about and I think that they really affected our relationship. The reason why I said this is because there would be several months when we wouldn’t have sex, but he would watch porn. Initially, it was that whole childhood thing coming back to me, where I didn’t think I was good enough, I wasn’t worth it, and it was all me. I look back and wonder if I had come out with that, would have our relationship been better. His actions had nothing to do with my past, and I didn’t think that I wasn’t good enough, but I had this feeling that I can’t really describe, but when you lay down at night, you have a person that you love next to you, you try to make love to them, and they just rollover, maybe it’s just because they had a long day. It hurt because I was afraid of rejection and not being wanted. In the past, bad things had happened to me. I think that if I had come out with my past, I wouldn’t have constantly had those thoughts that I wasn’t good enough or this person is going to leave me for somebody else. Those thoughts didn’t really come into play until the last year of our relationship.

 “I had gotten a promotion at work and we moved to a new city, two hours away. It was just the two of us, he didn’t have his family, and my family was even farther away, and we didn’t have friendships around us like we used to. It was just him and I and, when I wasn’t getting attention, it was because of my past that was causing me to think that I wasn’t good enough and it led to actions that I’m not proud of. Some would consider cheating actions. Ultimately, from his actions and my actions, our relationship ended. That was the moment that I knew that I had to let go of this. At this point, my mom was strong enough, we had done very good things as children growing up, we were now well respecting adults, and it was starting to destroy my life. This person may not think this, but I will always love my ex with all of my heart. I said to him that not everyone is the same and not everyone has the same past, so don’t ever carry this with you, thinking that someone else is going to cause you harm or someone else has the same intentions. I told him not to go into another relationship, basing it on our relationship. At the end, it was trust issues, and I didn’t want him to think that he couldn’t trust somebody else. He asked me why I couldn’t or didn’t talk to him about it and why I kept it bottled up. I’m not saying he didn’t have a bad life or things didn’t happen to him, but I don’t think he understood that it’s not something you can just talk about. Basically, he said that he couldn’t trust anyone because I kept this from him for so long and that I destroyed our relationship. All I wanted was for him to go into another relationship, knowing that every person is different. Ultimately, what was important to me was his happiness and not to think that what happened in our relationship. Just because I kept this bottled up in me, he should not think that someone else has the same thing; they may not. I wished that those things went differently because I really think we would still be together. You can’t look at your past and try to change it. You have to look at your future, and realize what your past was and shape it for your future. That’s what I do now.

 “There are times now that I think about what happened to me, but it’s not in the aspect about being sad about it. It’s typically when I’m trying to analyze something else, maybe in a relationship, with school, maybe I’m having a bad day, when I get super depressed, or someone around me has been hurt. That’s when I think back and say I am who I am today because of what happened, could I have been a better person, or could I have not hurt those that I have hurt in the past. Other than that, I take on every new day like it’s the first day of my life. You can’t change what happened yesterday – that’s my motto in life, you just can’t. People say that you see these things, something different inspires everyone. It’s a new year, a new me – that bullshit. I see that and I think ‘why do you have to wait until January 1st to change.’ What goes wrong yesterday, doesn’t have to be tomorrow or today. I don’t know if I would ever think that way if my past wasn’t the way that it was. I don’t think I would have a new appreciation for different things. You would think that I’ve always known what my past was. I carried it with me for many years, but I didn’t start having that outlook until I was able to let go of my past. It’s funny I would think it would go the other way, but I think it’s because it’s rejuvenating for me, like I literally have a second chance at life.

 “It’s funny to stand in the mirror when you’re in your mid-twenties and actually be able to be happy with the person that’s standing there, and not really being like that for a very long time. No one would have ever imagined it because I was a very fun, outgoing person, but it was because I channeled my emotions through other people.

 “When I lost my grandfather (my mom’s dad), it was very hard for me, but I barely even cried. I thought ‘why didn’t I cry and where are my emotions?’ Again, it comes back to the things that happened to me as a child and I got so good at suppressing my emotions. I channeled them through others; me consoling others was how I showed my emotion. I cry now more than I did when I was a kid, but it feels good. It’s nice to actually let my feelings go, instead of constantly consoling others for their feelings.”

 Where did you find yourself at the end of your relationship? You mentioned that you lived together for three months, as he moved on and you were left with you, what did that look and feel like?

 “It was super frickin scary. For the first time in my life, and it’s sad that I have to think about money and finances as being a part of your life but, on an everyday basis, you have to be able to get by. For the first time in my life, I was financially stable. I knew in that manner, I used to say ‘I don’t need no man.’ It was me basically trying to be strong for myself because I knew what I was about to encounter was going to be the hardest thing I ever did. It wasn’t about losing my relationship, but finding who I was. Some people might not understand, but not knowing who you are is a scary, scary thing because tomorrow’s not promised and, if you never find yourself, that’s pretty shitty. That’s not a good way to live. I wasn’t unhappy living that way. I coped and dealt with it. Internally, I wasn’t doing what was right for myself because I constantly put everyone else before me, always, no matter what. At that time, I had no one to put before me. My family was two hours away. I had a career that was basically calling my name as a retail manager, working crazy hours. I only had myself at that time. Obviously, I had my family, but they were away. At that time, I didn’t have anybody else to make me happy.

 “I’ll never forget, the three months that we were living together, but not together, I don’t recommend it for anybody because it was extremely hard. He started seeing this guy, we knew it was just going to be a fling, and he was 20 years old, very young. It was more of a ‘feel good’ guy. He was moving to Raleigh and the guy wasn’t going, so it was going to become a relationship, it was just fun at that point. I think it was a way to deal with his emotions. We had this agreement that it was okay. Obviously, I wasn’t his boss and I wasn’t his boyfriend anymore but, out of respect for me and respect for us, I asked him not to have him in our apartment. That was good for about a month and a half until his friend, who was an asshole, a very good friend of his (I used to call him that all the time because of my first impression of him), he was a very outspoken guy and he told Doug that it was his house too, so he could do whatever the hell he wanted. That’s just a typical thing that Dave would say. Doug took it to heart and, I came home from work one night, and he told me that so and so was coming over and I said ‘no, he’s not coming over.’ We fought and screamed at each other, and this was the first time we had ever had a fight. He threw a punch at me, and he’s not that type of person at all. In that moment, I realized that I created something from my actions and taunting. I realized that something had to change. I had just made this person hit me, and I’m not saying that it was my fault, but my actions were taunting enough that he felt the right to protect himself. At that moment, I knew that we had to get out of there or we would end up really hating each other, and that’s not who I am. I’m not a taunting person. I’m not an aggressive person. I wasn’t physically aggressive, but I was very strongly emotionally aggressive. At that moment, I knew that I needed to find myself. We didn’t talk for about two weeks.

 “For the last three weeks we were living together, we would sit out on the deck every night, drink, smoke, and bullshit. He was the closest person to me. At that time, he was literally still the love of my life, singlehandedly the most important person in my life besides my family, even though we were split up. I knew that if I didn’t talk about something, remotely related to my past or trying to find myself, I don’t think I would have ever been able to open up to a therapist, somebody I didn’t even know. I hate that I left him with that, but it had to come out of me, somehow, someway before we went our separate ways. It was probably a week before we split up that I told him that we needed to talk and I needed to share some things that I had never shared with anybody, and I shared things with him, not in detail because I didn’t want him carrying that with him. I didn’t want him to question himself - how did I not know, how come he didn’t tell me sooner, why wasn’t I there for him? I didn’t want him to think that, while I was holding it in while we were together, that it was his fault. I also wanted him to know that there were a lot of things bothering me, masking who I am as a person. I was able to share those things with him, he was able to console me, and we were able to set aside the fact that we were split up. We were able to talk like we were together, like I was sharing something with my partner, and he was there for me. He even went to therapy with me twice. I’ve thought about it and he probably thought that I was bringing him to therapy to get closer to him but, I let him know a year later, it was for me and that I couldn’t talk without him. He was the closest person in my life and I knew that I couldn’t have my mother there.

 “After my relationship ended, my ex moved to Raleigh. He probably is one of the single most important people in my life. I don’t think he’ll ever realize that, and I don’t ever want a relationship with him again. I think that we had our time in life and we really shaped each other as people. I don’t know that if we were still together today, if I would have come out with it because that person made me happy enough that I was okay with the person that I was being and I was okay putting on that fake smile. The moment that I realized that I didn’t have anybody else there for me was the moment that I knew the only person that I could turn to was the person that I looked at every day, and that was me and I had to make a change there.

 “We split up in May 2015 and in September, I traveled to Colorado, which we almost moved to. I love that state. We used to vacation there all the time. I flew out there all by myself and my mother was worried to death; I don’t know why - I was in my twenties. I landed in Denver, got a rental car, slept for about six hours, and then drove eleven hours to Yellowstone. I spent three nights there and didn’t speak to a single person. I didn’t say a single word. That was after I had finished my therapy sessions and I was literally like a new person. For anyone who has anything going on in their life, I recommend a silent retreat. You may laugh and think it’s funny, but it made me aware. Your other senses are extremely heightened. I heard sounds that were probably not even there or they were three miles away. I was able to meditate for three days and didn’t have any thoughts. I heard birds sing and things that are taken for granted every day.

 “I took a video of the song ‘Beautiful Life’ as I sang it on the side of a mountain in Colorado. I might still have that first video of myself because I was always so self-coconscious; I could pick the best picture and post it or share it. A video really shows your personality and who you are. I realized that from that day forward, the person that you look at in the mirror is the person that you see. I wasn’t going to hide anything anymore. I wasn’t going to put on a fake smile. If I’m pissed off, you’re going to know that I’m pissed off. If I’m happy, you’re going to know I’m happy. There’s no more clouded judgment for emotions. To hit day, I can say that I’ve lived up to that. There’s nothing I hide, no matter how big or how small it is I talk about it and I encourage others to do so, too. It doesn’t matter what it is, if we keep it inside of us, it shouldn’t be there. I make a joke, now that I’m in nursing school, the only things that belong inside of us is our organs. Our emotions should never be inside of us. We should always express our emotions, whether they’re negative or positive. If they’re negative, express them in a setting that accepts negative emotions, where you can get help. Never hold back the person that you truly are because it will haunt you whether you think it or not, or it will cause harm to you or others around you. When I think about my relationship, I don’t think it caused harm, but I regret that I hurt the person who truly loved me. That is what is hardest for me, not that the relationship ended. We all go through things and it could have been a lot worse. I guess hurting somebody because of my past and my suppressed emotions, that they had no right being hurt over. No matter how big or small, hiding your emotions will hurt somebody else. At the end of the day, the most important person is yourself, but you can’t cause harm to others, unintentionally, because you’re keeping your emotions tied in. That’s basically where I’m at.”

 What have you learned about yourself through this process?

 “I’m more fun than I ever thought I could be. I used to not think that I was very fun. I used to think that people just told me I was fun or I just tried to be fun, but I’m actually a fun person. I can fit into any crowd. I think it comes back to just being a human being and being a good person. The one thing that I also realized is that I have very good communication skills, which I never thought I had. Again, I suppressed them for so long and didn’t share my emotions, and I’ve had the opportunity to help others from my past experiences. Some people are probably tired of seeing it on my Instagram. I always talk about loving yourself, being a good person and loving yourself. Those who I grew up with, probably look at it, and think that I’m conceded because when I was a teenager, I was very stuck on myself, but it was because I was trying to find something good about myself. I always saw my imperfections, whether it was a hair out of place, my smile, my teeth, it was always imperfections. I always tried to look my best, I pressed my jeans at age fifteen, put gel in my hair about four times (worse than my mother getting ready), and people used to say that I was conceded.

 “If you judge a book by its cover and look at my Instagram, you may think that I’m full of myself, but it’s because I love who I am and I try to inspire others. I posted something today, and again I don’t believe in new year, new me thing, but whatever works for other people, go for it. If you want to wait until January 1st to change, just make a change. I posted “You are the change that you want to see in the world. It’s a new year, make it a great one.” That’s how I live every day. Every morning when I wake up, no matter how bad the day before was, if I’m scared to death of a test coming up, or my car payment is late and they’re calling me, I never let that effect my day anymore because I have a car, a roof over my head, food, and my health. I guess my senses have been so heightened going through the things that I have, I’m much more aware of myself and people around me. My family and friends are all back home and they don’t get to see me very often. My goal in life now is to make those around me happy as I am with myself because life is a beautiful thing. As corny as it sounds, you see these motivational things, it really is a beautiful and precious thing. Sometimes I think people think we’re just robots and we act on things as bad people. I can’t get it out enough ‘stop for a minute and look around you.’ We’re often in a crowded city like New York, and all we see are people rushing around to get somewhere. Everybody has their own problems and everybody has something in their head, that’s either a challenge or something that’s good that happened for them. We’re so hyper-focused on the moment or ourselves that we don’t realize that there are so many people around us that aren’t happy. I want people to be happy, not fake happy, or to just laugh or smile. I don’t care how big, tall, small, heavy, tiny, or if you have bad teeth, I don’t care what it is about you, you should never wake up and be unhappy with yourself. To me, it’s just a miserable way to live.”

 What would you say to your younger self as the adult you are today?

 “Don’t be so stubborn. I try not to think about my younger self sometimes, but I guess to my younger self, I would probably say ‘It’ll be okay’ because I never thought it would be. I never knew what was going to happen when I was younger. I thought, shit, I’m never going to get a job, I’m never going to go to college, I’m never going to have a car. I’m not going to say that I grew up with nothing, but I didn’t grow up around educated people. Nobody went to school in my family. Nobody really made the best of their potential. I wouldn’t say that I was doomed, but I thought that’s who I was going to be. When I looked around myself, I thought, oh my God, I gotta do something, I gotta get out of here. Looking back at my younger self, I was very judgmental of my family, not my immediate family (my siblings and my mom), but my mom’s family and my dad’s family. I was extremely judgmental of them because I was scared to death that I was going to end up like them. Looking back at my younger self, I would say not to be so judgmental, everything will be okay, you’re an individual person and you make your own decisions. Once you become old enough to think for yourself, that’s when you’re in control of your life. That’s when things will happen out of your control, but your life in general and outlook is solely yours. When I was younger, I never thought that. I thought that I was doomed and that I was never going to make anything of myself and would end up down this road to where I didn’t have the potential that I needed.

 “I’m going to be thirty years old in April and it’s crazy because I look at myself and, physically and mentally, I’m in the best shape of my life minus the balding hair. I feel like I’m the best I have been in my life. I know that some people dread being thirty and a lot of people that I talk to say that it’s all downhill from here, but I don’t think it is for me. I feel like I just started out and I’m excited. I feel like thirty is going to be my forty. I’m in the prime of my life. I’m happy. I have a career that’s on the horizon and I will be a nurse at the end of the summer. A lot of good things are happening right now. I have a very caring partner that has his own issues, not nearly what I have or my past, but everyone’s experience of their past is just as big to the person that’s feeling it, no matter what it is. I guess my challenge that I have in the forefront, is an exciting one, to help my partner work through things he’s been fostering for a long time, not necessarily during childhood, but he lost a partner when they were in college and he blames himself. I’m actually excited. He has a great career and is a great person. He’s been there for me and we have a very good understanding relationship of each other. Right now I feel like I’ve put his problems on hold because I really can’t do that right now while going through nursing school and deal with that at the same time. We’ve talked about his problems and he knows that he needs to get help for the things that bother him. I guess it’s exciting for me, knowing that my career is about to take off and my focus can shift on helping another person that I truly care about and knowing that we’ll get through what’s to come. As hard as it will be for him, I’m excited because I know that he will be a better person at the end of it. That’s where we’re at now.”

 Do you have a favorite quote or song lyric that you’d like to share?

 “Music is my driving force, along with photography. I can’t go to the gym without it. I can’t drive to work without it. I would say that my favorite quote, I don’t even know if it’s a quote, but I remember my mom saying to me as a kid, something along the lines of, and I kind of put it into my own words. I should actually Google it. It may not even be a quote and, if it’s not, maybe I should coin it . . . ‘Everyone is a beating heart on the same journey in life.’ That’s the motto I live by. We’re all seeking happiness. We’re all seeking one thing, and it’s not be unhappy and to just live our lives. My mom used to always say that when I was a kid. She always told me not to judge anybody because you never know what they’re going through. She would say, ‘Everyone is a beating heart on the same journey in life,’ and it’s so true. There’s nothing more true. Nobody’s on a different journey. Everybody is on the same journey and it’s to be happy and they want to be a good person. They don’t want to struggle. They don’t want to financially struggle. They want a good career. At the end of the day, they don’t want to have worries. I have yet to meet a person in my life that doesn’t seek that same dream. I would say that’s my favorite quote.”

 How has it felt to talk about these experiences and emotions with me?

 “I haven’t really talked about my emotions in a very long time. I do share my emotions, in the moment of how I’m feeling with the people around me. I don’t think I’ve ever actually sat back and reflected in a conversation on the progress of the things that I’ve been through in one sitting. I think about things here and there. I’ve posted my New Year’s post and resolutions. Every new year, I sit and think, ‘this wasn’t a bad year, these things have changed, and Facebook reminds you of what you posted several years ago. I am able to see my worries change and how things have gotten better. Honestly, I appreciate it. It was very eye opening for me and it’s a good start to a new year.”

 Do you think it’s possible that, by sharing your experiences and feelings today with me, someone listening or reading it, could potentially benefit from your courage and vulnerability?

 “There are millions of people in the world and I would be happy if it even helped one person. I say that all the time. You’re probably only the third person I’ve ever talked to when it comes to my childhood in depth a little bit, but I do share with those around me that are having issues. I say that my life is like a Lifetime movie; ya’ll wouldn’t imagine the things that I’ve been through. When you think that something is really bad, just think how good it could be if you just talked about it or helped yourself. The Michael Jackson song, Man in the Mirror, I’ve never heard a more true song in my life. It’s cliché, but everyday that’s the only person you’re going to see, even if you don’t leave your house, you’re still only going to see yourself. If you have something that you’re bottling up, whether it’s your past or your childhood, or even if you’re not bottling something up, if you don’t wake up happy, you’re the only person that can change that. Hopefully, that can help somebody.”

 Thank you.

#sexualabuse #trauma #healing #mentalhealth #confidence #resilience #heartsofstrangers

[heartsofstrangers]

What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

“One of the most challenging things that I’ve ever experienced . . . As a child I remember being happy, joyous, and free, at least those are the videos I’ve seen of myself, but I don’t remember much about that time. I do remember being pretty outgoing, sociable, and looking to connect with people. When I was around ten or eleven years old, my father was taken out of our house in a straitjacket due to depression and he wasn’t eating or taking care of himself. My dad was gone for most of my life as a young child and then my mom was always working, and I was kind of left to my own devices and trying to find my place in the world. I was always kind of seeking for approval, love, or validation from outside.

“When I was about ten or eleven, I got involved with this gang of kids called Mixed Mafia; it stood for mixed races. They were in their late teens and early twenties, rebel punks, and all these different types of people, and I felt like I had found my tribe. They were accepting and gave you drugs and alcohol. It seemed like a good place to be. My friend, Rob, had invited me to gang parties and I thought it was exciting. I felt cool that I was hanging out with these older kids. They were aware of me and that wasn’t something that I had at my house because my mom was always working and my dad was in the Institute of Living at that time. I continued to take part in this gang. At the beginning, it was just a party kind of thing. I think I was going into sixth or seventh grade around the time, and they were accepting. Slowly, but surely, they told me that they needed to make me into a man and, after the fun parties, me and two of my close friends, my buddies Jim and Jeff, they would tell us that we needed to receive beatings and they would make us into men. I stuck around for them and they would have us do various things like they would put us in a line and they’d have the older girls kick us in the chest or something like that, and they would say that we couldn’t fight back, we had to take it. I remember having some attraction to the girls and it made me feel really, I don’t know. It made me feel like shit, but I felt that I was getting some sort of attention.

“My good friend, Jeff, at the time, he was supposed to have his initiation into what was called One Mafia, which was the younger kids of the Mixed Mafia. First, they burned a WM on his arm with a hanger and then he was supposed to fight a kid. If he won, he would gain the respect of the older individuals. This was my best childhood friend, and he lost the fight. I remember sitting there looking at him, and they took an iron, heated it up, and burned his WM off. I remember seeing the skin bubble. He was about twelve at the time, and I remember seeing him crying and looking at me. Years before it was soccer, playing videogames, and sleepovers. I remember him looking at me, crying, and I didn’t show any emotion and I looked away. I thought I needed to be tough and wanted to be cool in front of the older kids. Jeff faded away from the gang and so did my buddy, Jim. I think I had won a fight against a kid and I was told that I could keep in, but I never wanted to fight. I was always so scared, so scared.

“Slowly but surely, the gang expanded and they would have me fight my closer friends; they told us that we had to knock each other out. I couldn’t fight. I was scared. I remember I was terrified when I was at that person’s house, and these were all friends and older brothers. Most of my friends started to fight back, but I didn’t, and the beatings got worse and worse for me. When they fought back, they got some sort of respect, but it just wasn’t in me. I was scared. At one point, I thought it was the only love I ever knew, this attention that they were giving me and that’s why I kept on going back. Sometimes they would have parties and make me sit in the corner and put piles of trash on me and tell me that I couldn’t leave from this place. I would sit there and they would laugh at me. At this point, my outlook on life started to drastically change. At that time, my mom had just got diagnosed with cancer and my dad was getting out of the Institute of Living. He had had electroshock therapy there and he wasn’t really talking much; he kind of just paced in the house. Our house was kind of a really dark place to be at. So, I didn’t really have anywhere to go. It was either go to this place where you might get a couple of minutes of fun and then the abuse or sit in my house where no one even knew you were there, while my mom was starting her path of surgeries.

“I remember it was about a year or two into the gang, and I was still their main thing to beat up on. I had had all these supposed initiations to make me into a man. I remember most of my childhood friends were gone and I was part of this thing, and they would just beat me up. I remember going over to my close friend Bill’s house, and his older brothers were the main gang members. I remember being so terrified when they came back home. We went up into the attic, and they said, ‘Mike, this is your final initiation. Either we give you two hours of beating or we shave your head.’ I had long hair, and they were going to shave it with a Bic razor, and I didn’t want that to happen. So, about an hour after the beatings happened, I couldn’t take it anymore, I walked outside and tried to run, and one of the kids tackled me down, pulled me into a chair, and duct-taped my arms to the chair. All these kids were walking around, drinking beers, older kids and older girls, my good friend Bill and his older brothers, they took out the Bic razor and when you have long hair, you can’t shave it with a Bic razor, they proceeded to use the Bic razor to shave my head and it gouged my head. I remember tears coming down my face. I remember looking at Bill in the eyes, just like I had looked Jeff in the eyes, like ‘please, please save me’—screaming without words because I couldn’t say a single thing and I was just crying. They had made up this name, Mikaloo, and they said ‘Mikaloo, cuts all over your head’ and they continued to shave my head and walk around and laugh at me. I think I was only thirteen at the time. They walked around and laughed at me, and I just sat there. I remember holding on to Bill’s gaze and I could see his older brother looking at him in the eyes, like that peer pressure that I had felt with Jeff. I wanted Bill to do something so bad, and I could tell that some of the people in the group thought they had had gone too far. As blood and tears are dripping down my forehead, they were gouging my head pretty deep and they were spraying hair spray into the wounds to make the bleeding stop. I remember looking at Bill, still crying, crying pretty hysterically, I don’t think there was much sound coming out. I remember Bill looking away and walking inside. I knew the pressure he felt. I knew it. I had been there. Instantly, in that moment, I remember just shutting off and there wasn’t a tear that fell out of my eye anymore. It felt like Mike was gone. Mike was dead. I basically had that cold, emotionless look in my face, and all joy, curiosity, and everything was taken from me. I remember just sitting there and I had some patches of hair, dried blood, and they continued to laugh at me, and I just sat and there was nothing left. I didn’t feel a thing and didn’t think about anything. It was like I had left Mike. Mike was gone.

“I don’t know how I got home, but when I got home, my mom had just gotten out of a chemo session and she was sick in bed and I don’t know what my dad was doing; he had just gotten a job at Staples to keep the roof over our heads. I remember sitting next to my mom, as she was nauseous in bed. I think it was the last thread of me, holding on to Mike, and I just sat there and I needed her to recognize that clearly I was changed. I had dried blood all over my head and patches of hair. I don’t know what happened, but she wasn’t able to give me any sense of security. She was—I don’t know—a lot had happened with my father. I don’t know how my dad didn’t know. Clearly, I was much different. Obviously, now I had a shaved head and was pretty unresponsive to anything, but my father was pretty unresponsive to anything, as well, and there’s a long story behind my dad. I think when my mom looked away, she thought we couldn’t burden the family like this, my dad was bringing in money, and she didn’t want to send him back to the hospital. I don’t know what the thought process was. I think she was overwhelmed. I don’t know what it was. There was really no love given and I was just shoved off to my room.

“After that, it was pretty much I didn’t care about anything anymore. I had a lot of external anger and the couple of words that I would say were ‘I don’t give a fuck.’ At one point, I thought I was going to kill those kids who had done it, but I took it all on me, it was all on me. I just shut down. From the moment that Bill’s eyes left or the moment when that boy hit my head, I just remember losing everything that was Mike; maybe I didn’t even really know Mike. I had always been seeking outside. I just remember losing that joy. That toxic masculinity—to be a man. Those three words, ‘to be a man’—what does that even mean? I think the definition I had formed has been the most debilitating, shameful experience of my entire life.

“I know that for the next ten years or so, I started to bully kids, but I stopped doing that. I didn’t want that to be a part of my life and I tried to uplift, but there was nothing inside. There were no joy or feelings inside, there was complete emotionless. Any way to turn off the depression and the darkness that was all consuming, so that’s what I did—I drank and I drank and I drank. That worked for a while but, for the most part, it was bouts of depression and any way to escape because I couldn’t escape when they had me all taped down.

“Eventually, I had made some forgiveness to those people. I called up two of them when I was about twenty-three, and one of the guys said that he had nightmares about what he had done and the other individual, the first thing he said when he picked up the phone was, ‘Mikaloo, you little bitch,’ and that was ten years later. At that point, I had a lot of different struggles. I ended up going to jail for selling some weed and different things. That was my first breath of air, a structured environment. It made me feel like a baby. After I got out, I finally found heroin, and that was finally the answer to all my problems. I could shut off everything and I felt okay, and there was no depression attached to it; you just had to do it all day.

“That kid, who had originally invited me to the gang, Rob, ended up dying of an overdose. I would attempt to get sober here and there. The other kid, Bill, who was one of my best friends, called me and said he was so sorry for not doing anything, and this was about fifteen years later. He eventually ended up hanging himself; that was this past Christmas. A lot of that stuff was pretty crazy, but the heroin was definitely the end-all be-all for me. I remember just over two years ago, February 12, 2017, he had called me, and it was this recurring theme of emotionless disconnection and, obviously, it was drug-fueled this time. He had asked me to use some heroin. He got into my car and he overdosed in the car around 2 pm on a Thursday in February, it was kind of a gray day. I didn’t feel anything because of the heroin, and I was looking for a place to dump his body. He was blue, he wasn’t breathing, and ten minutes had passed. I remember feeling so cold. I hadn’t felt anything in years. Something pulled on me, I don’t know what it was, a spirit source, God, angels, whatever you want to call it, told me to go to an urgent care center on Route 44 in Avon. I pulled in, they Narcaned him twice, they said he was dead, they put a tube down his throat, and they finally got his heart beating. He had survived that and the next day, I decided to get clean. That was part of the journey and the many stories.

“These past two years have been me trying to uncover all that. I try to talk to myself as if my parents had been there. I know they did the best they could. During that timeframe, my mom had died, right before I went to jail, my dad lost the house, and there’s been so many different things. These past two years have been Mike again, the story of finding Mike or uncovering Mike. It’s been a painful process, some of the things that I haven’t wanted to look at. 

“This past winter my father had a mental breakdown. He lives in North Carolina where he rented a room. He would call me every day, telling me that he wanted to die. My father is a good soul and wants to make people happy, and he hasn’t been happy himself. He’ll give the shirt off his back to someone. I remember being down in North Carolina with my sister, who lives out west. Since my mom died, we hadn’t seen each other. When we spoke, we decided that we needed to go see our dad. We went out there and he said, ‘Maybe I’ll see you and maybe I won’t.’ He was basically locked in his room, not eating. And then I got the call that Bill had taken his own life, and still I didn’t feel much of anything. I think there was a protective haze over me or cognitive dissonance. I just couldn’t feel.

“I went through a really hard process while in North Carolina. My dad was not doing well. He was living in an unsafe environment. We had to do a lot of crazy stuff, and eventually got him into assisted living, using his disability to help pay for it. He still called me every day, and just wanted to die. I remember going down to North Carolina again about a month later and, as I walked into the assisted living place, my dad was barely eating an ice cube. He looked at me so scared. I knew those eyes. I’ve seen those eyes. Those are the eyes that Jeff gave to me when he was receiving the beatings and the eyes that I gave to Bill during the head shaving. I knew those eyes—so scared. The most scared you could ever see anybody in your life. I saw my dad like that, and I know my dad went through a lot when he was a young kid. I think he lost himself along the way, too. I hugged him and he had lost a lot of weight, and weighed about ninety pounds. I felt like I wanted to cry so much. I never got that love from my dad and I knew that I needed to give it to him, but I didn’t have much in me. I felt like so much wanted to come out, just hugging him while he was so scared. He was so ashamed, ashamed of how he looked, where he was at in life, and one little tear came out, and that was it. We talked and he didn’t say much. He just looked at me really, really scared.

“My mornings were waking up to him, calling and saying those things. I couldn’t sleep, and I know he couldn’t sleep. I ended up writing a letter to Bill. I was writing it as if everyone was going to read it. I like to write, and I thought about writing it from an audience perspective, but I thought fuck that, I’m writing it to Bill, and I just wrote to Bill. I knew he was right there with me, just like Rob because I was close to Rob too. I knew he was right there with me. I just talked to him. I typed and just talked to Bill. He said that he would watch over my dad. I talked to him and I knew that he was healed from all the shame he held in, all that abuse, and that frickin ‘be a man, be tough.’ He grew up with that. We all did. I cried. I really cried. That was this winter and I was just getting back to feeling again. It felt good to let him know I was still there and forgave him. I had forgiven him the minute it happened, but I don’t think he ever knew that. I knew that pressure, I know that pressure.

“There are still other challenges now that I’m facing, that I’m uncovering. I have a little bit of light and starting to feel that people are good and caring. I know that those people who did that to me, I had this epiphany when I was twenty-two or twenty-three years old, that whatever you exert outwards, you exert inwards. So, whatever they had done to me was really their own pain and fears, and I realized they were suffering so much more than I was, to be able to do that to someone else. I had seen that and I tried to send them forgiveness and caring. I realized how much pain they must have been going through and how that manifested and whatever underlying fears and shame manifested in abuse to others. It’s been slow uncovering and sometimes, when I get these glimpses of who Mike is now, the direction of my life, or I find myself trying to figure anyway to not, there’s that most debilitating thing—how I defined being a man. As I uncover myself, I still find that shame and ways to seek outside a lot. I’ve also had the conversations of everything with people who have been loving and caring, and I’ve been able to find people that see me as me, but sometimes I’m still not there yet. There are voices of who you’re supposed to be that still ring in my head and I became my own abuser and victim for so long, for so long.”

Why do you think that is?

“I guess because that was the only love I ever knew, that type of abuse, and that’s what I gave myself. Even when I got into sobriety, I felt like was doing enough or I wasn’t working hard enough. Then I got into the gym and I was doing extensive workouts of beating myself up, saying ‘better, better, better, more, more more,’ then I stopped doing that. I guess, for the most part, it’s what I’ve always known. I’m still ashamed of myself and to some degree that’s changed. I’ve done a lot of telling myself that I love myself. When I get deeper, that root of shame is still there. I believe it’s changing. I have faith. I do. I really do. It’s funny, after I wrote that letter to Bill, my father ended up falling in the bathroom and cracking his back, and he called me and, after cracking his back, he said, ‘Sometimes, Mike, we forget the good things in life.’ Magically, out of nowhere, he started talking regularly and eating food again. Nothing external had changed. It was definitely like some miracle stuff. I don’t know, maybe he was tapped into something greater. It’s trying not to see with the eyes of everyone else because that’s all I looked to define me for so long.”

Yeah, it sounds like your value, sense of worth, and identity were tethered to both your parents, who you felt unseen, unheard, and unvalued by because of their own predicaments and inability to give you their presence, and also the way that the gang, in the beginning, felt like a sense of belonging, community, and brotherhood, maybe the family you didn’t have, became a degrading source of abuse for you that made you feel ‘less than,’ and it sounds like you internalized that for years. You recognize that the roots of shame are deep. What are some of the identifiers of shame? What is it that you’re ashamed of?

“I don’t know. If I was to go back before the gang stuff, I don’t really have any memories before ten or eleven years old—I always wondered about that. Like I said earlier, I remember seeing videos of when I was younger. The videos pretty much stopped when I was about four years old, and I don’t really have any memories until about age ten. I had done some shamanic journeying work with this guy and he was doing some reiki on me towards the end, and he put his hands on me and I remembered a feeling or something that had happened between ages four and ten. I can’t put my finger on the person, but I know that it was some older male figure that made me believe that to please him in some sort of sexual way was the right thing to do. I just remember feeling his hands on me and feeling a lot of anger, an immense amount of anger. Anger is not a word that I tend to identify with that much and usually the lack thereof leaves passion and different things when directed right. I haven’t had that passion for as long as I can remember, maybe little tidbits here and there.

“After that experience with the sexual abuse, I became hypersexualized and oversexualized at a young age. Being told that being pleasing in that manner, at least that’s what I internalized, was the way to acceptance or love or whatever, and also being really, really confused because that was part of me that I didn’t even know at such a young age. So, everything with regard to sex became very convoluted to me. I guess that’s the deeper part where the shame resides at now. Anyway, at such a young age to receive, feel, or give any sort of sexual pleasure or anything in all relationships caused me a lot of shame.”

Do you think your parents had any idea that you had experienced that?

“I don’t know. There wasn’t much intimacy in my family. I know my father had a very rough time growing up and he never understood the word ‘happiness.’ He said that he never understood what that meant. When I was around twelve or thirteen years old, I found out that my father was attracted to men and it really messed me up because I didn’t know if he loved my mother. I didn’t know a lot of things and I don’t think I ever really knew myself because of the abuse earlier. All sexual attraction was just everywhere, to all people. I don’t think my father knew and he did his best to stay away. I know that the abuse didn’t come from him, but I know that, due to his own shame, he grew up in the Bible Belt of Oklahoma, the youngest of five brothers. He was a very sensitive kid growing up. He had polio as a young kid. A lot of different things happened to him. He told me that his first friend was my mom, at thirty-eight years old. He said that he didn’t remember having a friend before that. My father’s story is kind of intertwined in there. I think he was afraid and he kept his distance from me.

“I don’t know if they knew or not. I don’t think at the time or how it was presented to me or how the abuse went on, I don’t know if it was multiple people or not, but it was like ‘this is how it’s supposed to be.’ It wasn’t presented in a way that ‘this is wrong.’”

At what point did you recognize that maybe it wasn’t the way things were supposed to be?

“I think it’s something that’s just coming to fruition because I don’t think I was able to remember that. It was all blocked out. At the time, we were moving a lot. My dad was in and out of hospitals. I was on the road and unable to form any lasting friendships. I think it happened in between one of the moves. I can’t really remember, but I don’t know. I don’t know if I did recognize that it was wrong. I wished it didn’t happen.”

Do you feel responsible for it?

“No, I don’t feel responsible for it. No, no, no. I think the one thing I feel responsible for is probably the amount of shame I carry. Not only because of that, but more with the sexualized feelings towards everyone. When you asked that question at the beginning, ‘what’s the biggest challenge that you face now?’—that’s it. When you asked it, I wasn’t going to answer and I went down the path of the abuse, which I’ve said before in some instances. I’ve never really talked about the sexual stuff or my father too much but, for some reason—I don’t know—that’s been the most shameful parts. It felt like the nail in the coffin type of event to ‘be a man’ type stuff, and then trying to navigate yourself intimately has been a process. Saying those words, that’s only been said, it took me a long time to say those type of things.”

What words? 

“I guess the sexualized feelings towards everyone. I’d have to do a lot of analyzing and a lot of character checking before I said that type of stuff.”

How is the sexualizing everyone manifesting in your life or interfering with it?

“It lets me keep an arm’s distance from building relationships. I used to think I was good at intimacy, but I was always drunk or high. I guess it’s interfered a lot. Recently, I was able to engage in a relationship that was all about talking about everything that came up during everything basically. There was some healing there around physical intimacy because for me most of the time anything that was enjoyable physically would have to be with someone I didn’t know and, if there was some sort of loving connection, physical intimacy was never enjoyable.”

Is sounds like the reverse of what it should be.

“Yep. Luckily, in this past relationship, we were able to dialogue over everything, what came up during intimacy, and I told her everything. So, there was some healing there, but there was still some shame underneath, but I feel that I’m close. There was some healing in that relationship, but I feel like I still have to uncover Mike. I continue to push away from that love because I’m realizing that I need to . . . I’ll slowly but surely tell you everything that’s gone on and then I’ll analyze your frickin’ reactions to everything’s that happened, and see if you’re accepting in the relationship, very slowly, because ultimately I want it to be an open, vulnerable place, like there’s no shadow or anything, but I guess it was still a way of seeking validation. Here are some little pieces of me, let me see how you react, let me see your facial responses to them. Now it’s my own journey to finding that within and finding that joy again. Even most of my sobriety has been about ‘to do’s’ and ‘get this done.’ There’s never been a space where I can just go hiking with a friend and not overanalyze everything, but for the most part, it’s hard for me to tap into that sense of joy. Slowly but surely, it’s coming back. I believe that wholeheartedly.”

I think the process of trying to shut out or repress pain takes so much energy and effort that there’s no capacity for joy. Perhaps, through the releasing of the feeling of pain, you have the contrasting element of the pain to experience the joy, but if you’re not feeling one, it’s hard to feel the other. I’m sure you have years of accumulated pain internalized that is just beginning to surface and make sense to you. It sounds like through that experience of reiki, you came in contact with a part of your life that you had internalized and blocked out and had no memory of until that moment, which is a response the brain and the body have to allow you to survive a traumatic moment. Eventually, your guards come down and it’s safe for you to feel that; it surfaces.

“Yeah, I guess it’s trying to feel safe.”

And still feel loved, heard, and seen. It sounds like you’re at a stage right now where you’re in the slow process of letting a little bit out here and there and seeing how people respond to it in order for you to know whether it’s okay to keep going, but I’m sure that probably brings you face to face with fear often, fear of someone telling you you’re not good enough or showing you that you’re not good enough through their actions.

“At one point, I was going to share all of this, even deeper, in front of a bunch of people just so I could shut down because I thought, inside, that I was going to do it for some sort of cathartic moment. But I think subconsciously what I was doing it for was to find that person in the room who was judging me so that I could say, ‘See, this is why I don’t do this.’ Lately, I’ve been trying to find little pockets where there’s an exchange, and I’ll reach for it sometimes, I’ll give little pieces or breadcrumbs, and if there’s not that exchange back, I step back, but I don’t want to have it like that always. I don’t want to have to analyze the safety of a situation. I just want to be ‘here I am.’ It’s a process.”

It’s a process—that really resonates with me . . . here I am. In short, that’s the definition of authenticity, vulnerability and courage—here I am; showing up and being seen. You’ve talked about losing a sense of connection to Mike, that you may or may not have come to know him at some point in your life, that he exists on some level, somewhere. Where is he? Where do you think he is?

“It feels like he’s stuck inside this shelter, that adult Mike or Mike now, keeps him safe.”

Do you feel that it’s okay to let him out of that shelter?

“Umm. I don’t know. I don’t know if I even really know who he is and who I’m letting out. That’s a tough question. I guess I see him when things are simple. I went on a hike this weekend with a buddy of mine. I knew he didn’t really know all that, and I don’t think he really needed to, so it was just me being able to have fun and laugh. I don’t think I’ve laughed like that in a long time. There were no expectations.”

In that space, it was okay for him to be a part of that experience?

“Yes. I was able to feel free.”

I imagine the shelter that you created for him was designed to protect him and keep him safe, but shelters can also become cages. If someone spends enough time in a cage, the hand that’s trying to feed them or unlock the door gets met with a ferocious beast who’s so deprived of connection, light, and sense of humanity that they almost appear to be a monster, and that can be terrifying to the hand that’s trying to feed them or unlock the door.

“Or, it’s the other way around. Where the one holding the key to the door is the ferocious beast. And the light inside just wants to be integrated. I wrote a story about myself (and made it seem like it wasn’t). It was prison, all black and white, and everyone was told that you’re not allowed to go to the light. Every day, he was told that he was a number, number 6752 or whatever, and everyone’s a number. Every time the number walks outside the prison, he sees this light and everyone tells him that this all-encompassing society tells it, not even him, to stay away from the light, the light will take you off. So, he walks by the prison, he does what he has to do every day, number 6752. One day, he’s walking by the prison, he sees the light, and something inside says, ‘Maybe you should dance, maybe you should play music,’ but he disregards it and keeps walking by the prison. He’s always been told to avoid the light, avoid it, it will take you off line. He walks up to the prison one day, and he’s following the light inside the prison and feels discombobulated and doesn’t know what’s happening. The path outside in the black and white was clear—you do this, you get this, this is how it works. Following this color and light was different and different thoughts were coming in. He approaches the prison and there are these huge prison guards, they’re standing there, stone cold, with huge guns, and he looks at them in the eyes, he tries to get in and shakes them. They’re just sitting there, he takes off a layer, and he tries pulling at them and layers are just falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, and then there’s nothing, no prison guards. There’s a door in front of him, he opens the door and there are all these eyes looking at him, everywhere. They’re so big and overwhelming, and filled with fear. They were just looking and staring at him, and he is just so scared and he can’t move. There are hundreds of eyes everywhere and he says to the eyes, ‘I am you,’ and the eyes disappear. He walks into the next door and ‘ego’ is written on the door. He’s afraid and he can’t get through it. It looks like this big, stainless steel door, unbreakable, unstoppable; he kicks it and it shatters. He walks in and then there’s this light behind this prison door. He’s almost there, he can almost touch it, and all these thoughts are flooding in. Outside the door is this big guard, he stares at him in the eyes and thinks ‘there’s no way I can get through this.’ The guard is so scary, he has so much fear raging in him, and he’s putting it all on number 6752, and It screams, ‘I’ve gotten through all this, I’m almost to the light, I can almost be there, but I can’t face this’ (this fear). He looks at the fear, stares at it, he’s about to walk away, and whenever he trusts the light, it always, leads him to feeling these thoughts again, these feelings again, and he looks at the fear and says ‘I love you’ and the jacket falls off the fear and there’s a little boy curled up outside the light, outside the prison. It is saying to the little boy, ‘I love you,’ and nothing’s happening and the little boy cries and cries and cries and looks up periodically, and cries, and just sits there and It says, ‘I faced the eyes, I faced the masks, I faced the ego, I faced the fear, and I tell you I love you and nothing happens.’ The boy cries and cries and cries. Days pass, months pass, years pass, and It gets mad at the boy, screams at him, ‘All this time I loved you,” and the boy cries and curls up in the corner. It sits with him again for years and says, ‘I love you.’ Eventually the boy lifts up his head and says, ‘I love you, too,’ and the door opens. The light, It—now Him—and the boy all join together. He is scared because he’s been offline for so long. Where does he go now? What does he do? He’s scared for the little boy. Eventually he feels some sort of song come up within him and He flies above the prison. He’s scared that the little boy isn’t safe, but he looks and there is no little boy, the light is gone, and he’s just flying above. Some other It, number 67425, is walking by, sees this bright light flying above the prison, something sparks in him. and he asks to go inside too.”

It’s a full story of integration.

“Yeah.”

What are you learning about yourself through this process of recognizing that there’s still work to do and that you’ve endured a significant amount of trauma, loss, and pain in your life, and that you’re still figuring out who you are?

“That we all experience pain, and one of the biggest revelations is that it doesn’t matter what degree of trauma there necessarily is, maybe mine could look bad from the eyes of someone else who has experienced a different life but, in their eyes, whatever they’ve experienced, whether you shed it from the specific experience to the emotion that it is, fear or sadness, whatever it may be, that they’ve experienced those same things. The heart is behind it all, the one heart. I guess that was a way for me to realize that I wasn’t so alone because, at one point, I did think that no one has ever known this pain, but then I had to realize that everyone has a comfort zone in life and however they were pushed out of it could be the same experience. I guess that’s part of it. While I can say those words, it doesn’t necessarily mean I feel it 100 percent. I think that’s more how I’m able to see others with authenticity, but not as myself, applying that same standard. I think that’s the next point for me. I’m learning about myself, just to be able to say it’s okay. Like I said earlier, the pendulum swinging from faith and fear. Sometimes the fear can be all-encompassing, but I think to just say it’s okay and I don’t need to force myself through anything. Sometimes I push myself and it almost makes me regress. I guess I’m learning to be patient with my own unfolding and know that there’s a lot of layers and I feel, as the more safe places I find myself entering, that I won’t need to necessarily hear the words from other people. I’ll be able to tell myself those words of love and that, hopefully, I’ll feel safe no matter what. That’s the goal. I don’t know what will happen. I guess just don’t rush the process, as much as I want to, but when I start taking hold of that process and pushing it around, it doesn’t tend to do the same type of healing.”

If your nine- or ten-year-old self was sitting next to you, what would you want that self to know or feel?

“I think it would be the other way around. What would the nine- or ten-year-old self want to tell me now?”

Okay, let’s put that spin on it.

“You were never lost. It’s okay. You don’t have to hide. I miss you. I’m still here playing. That’s what I’d say.”

For those who may be reading this or listening to this, and may be able to relate not to your experiences, but to the thoughts or feelings that you’ve expressed, what would you want them to know?

“You’re not lost. You never have been. Deep down I know you love you. Give yourself the space and the time to find that joy again, because it’s not that far away, it’s not as far as you think.”

Is there a piece of advice, a song lyric, a mantra, or a quote that resonates with you that you’d like to share?

“‘Everything is already okay, everything is already all right.’”

What does that mean to you?

“Sometimes my head takes me all over the place and makes me really afraid and lonely, but when I tap back into that, I can feel that inner child playing again. It makes me realize you don’t really need too much, just some laughs and hugs from people you care about. I guess it’s a way for me to come back to that light and not get taken away by the emotional waves, just ride them a little bit and not pulled under. Not to say that I’m the best at it, but even in that, everything is already okay, trusting that wherever I am is where I’m supposed to be.”

How has it felt to share and talk about these thoughts, experiences, and feelings with me today?

“At one point, I felt very naked because I had a plan of the details of what I was going to share and what I wasn’t. I know before we were recording, I was talking about the other side of fear is the greatest growth. I felt that even if it’s a tiptoe of a little shelter, it’s better than nothing because I’ll be safe. It’s taught me a little bit more about what walking into fear really is and the space of forgiveness that falls right after. First, it’s like this naked vulnerability, like fuck, but then there’s this eerie feeling to it. It feels like I can move through the world a little bit easier. Yeah, that’s how it was to say those things.”

Do you think it’s possible that by sharing what you did today, in this format, someone on the receiving end could potentially benefit, gain some hope or inspiration, or even a sense that they’re not alone?

“I think that’s my lifelong purpose. I think our greatest pain is our greatest power. I believe that wholeheartedly. This fire that’s burning within us, it could be shame or fear-based or anything, once we take it outside of ourselves and realize it’s the most beautiful, amazing thing in the world, and we hold it as our torch, then other people begin to see, too. It’s not like this is my torch. No, there’s one right there inside of you, too. Let’s muster up and get that thing lit. The only way to light it is from yourself, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be any encouragement along the way; it doesn’t have to be so hard. I definitely believe that, or I hope. That’s the goal—eventually write my story, being able to make someone not feel so scared or, even if they are scared, recognize that someone else has felt that too and, right outside that immense fear, is really the best space you could ever be in.”

Thank you.

#gangs #violence #trauma #sexualabuse #recovery #mentalhealth #addiction #healing #connection #courage #vulnerability #heartsofstrangers

[heartsofstrangers]

What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

“Probably drug addiction.”

Tell me about that.

“Since I was fourteen years old, the first time I ever tried it, I’ve been intermittently addicted to crystal meth. The past four years, it’s been pretty consecutive other than the four months that I spent in jail two years ago. I guess that’s the gist of it.”

When did you start using it?

“I was about fourteen years old. I used to do it every other weekend with a group of shitty friends that I had made.”

What was going on in your life at that time?

“I had just lost my best friend, who was like my brother; we grew up together. He died from complications due to diabetes. I saw that they were using it and I had taken Adderall before. I thought it was like Adderall, except you could snort it or smoke it, and I thought that’s always fun. I recognized that they were carefree on it, and I wanted to be like that, so I did it.”

What was it like the first time you got high?

“It was sketchy and I was on edge. I don’t know if you’ve done any sort of upper, but it’s intense. It actually made me feel disgusting for a while. I felt really gross the entire time and then coming down was awful, but something inside me wanted to do it again, so I did. It disconnected me from the world. All that really mattered was scribbling on a piece of paper for hours on end. I guess it was really getting lost in reality.”

How did your life unfold—were you in school at that time?

“It kind of caused me to ‘fail out’ of high school; I didn’t drop out, but failed out pretty bad. I had to retake my sophomore year on the computer and graduated at the bottom of my class because of it, or the choices I made while on it. I don’t really know if I was in control or not then.”

You talked about jail—how did you end up there?

“I got arrested leaving a drug deal in June 2015 and then, after my parents bailed me out, I stopped going to court for the probation sentence and a year and a half later, they picked me up at my older brother’s apartment at 11:00 p.m. Six bounty hunters apprehended me and  then I spent the next four months in Montgomery County. I was there for Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s, and almost my birthday, all behind bars.”

What was that like?

“Honestly, it wasn’t that bad. It was pretty shitty and I was very confined. I was in a sixteen-man room for the most part. It was me and fifteen other people, all in a big-ass room full of bunk beds, having to stare at each other all day.”

Where did that lead you to mentally? Did you process anything in your mind about where you had been, where you wanted to go, where you were?

“I just wanted out. It kind of made me feel like an animal. In Texas, I don’t know what it’s like anywhere else, but you become state property when you’re incarcerated; you lose all your rights. Basically, you’re a body with a name. You’re not a human in there. It’s weird.”

How long ago was that?

“It was January 2017.”

Where did you end up when you were released?

“Back to my older brother’s, and he does dope too. I went right back to where I started, or stopped at midway.”

So, you were sober and clean in jail?

“Yes, while I was there.”

Did you go through withdrawal?

“I slept for the first four days. I didn’t eat or use the restroom; I just slept.”

So, you get out, move back in with your brother, and get right back into it?

“The night that I got out, I used.”

What’s your relationship like with your family, aside from your brother?

“I don’t talk to them, only whenever they speak to me and, even then, it’s usually just my mom, and it’s like once every two weeks, sometimes twice.”

What are those conversations like?

“I love you, I miss you. I love you too, I miss you too.”

Do they live locally?

“They live about two hours away.”

Do they kind of push you away due to your addiction?

“I alienated myself because I knew I’m not anyone a parent could be proud of—that’s how I feel. Because of my problem, and I don’t want them to see me like this and I won’t let them. So, I pushed myself away from them.”

Have you done that with close friends as well?

“I’ve done it with everyone.”

So, who are you associating with, dealers and other users?

“Yeah. I dated this dude for almost a year and he basically isolated himself away from me recently because of it. That really fucked me up a little bit because I feel like I put so much into it, but really it was just me high as hell, overthinking everything, all the time, slowly dissipating into nothing.”

It’s got to be a pretty lonely feeling to be that isolated.

“Yeah, but you’re never really alone when you’re a drug addict.”

Because you’re connecting with your substance.

“I’m perfectly fine with being alone, but I’m not okay with how lonely I am most times.”

Are you scared at all to continue down this path?

“Yeah, because I don’t know where my life’s going. So, I just get high and it’s like ‘where are you going now?’ to go get high.”

How can you afford to get high?

“My best friend sells it. My only friend just happens to be a drug dealer.”

Are you performing any sort of acts or anything in exchange?

“No, no, no; we’re just really good friends and misery loves company. He’s basically in the same spot I’m in.”

What are some of the things you’ve lost along the way through these years of addiction?

“Honestly, I lost my sanity, a lot of good friends, and a close tie with my family. I lost my car. I lost my license. Somehow I lost my social security card, but I don’t think that had anything to do with drugs. I lost my apartment, but that was at the beginning so that’s not a big deal.”

Where are you living now?

“I live with my friend, Pat, who is also a drug addict, but he’s a more functioning one, I should say. He’s held a job for four years and his addiction is kind of new and, ironically enough, I’m the first one he ever tried it with, which is kind of funny or fucked up.”

Have you ever been in any situations where you felt like your life was being threatened?

“No, not really. Not that I can think of, but I don’t know . . . no.”

How’s your judgment when you’re high?

“You can rationalize just about anything. For the most part, I would say it’s pretty good. There are dumb people who get addicted to drugs and there are people who are addicted to drugs who already have a good grip on reality and are able to make the right decisions or rational ones at least, but I’ve done some pretty stupid stuff.”

What are some of the stupid things that you’ve done?

“Not put the filter on a vacuum cleaner and small things like that. I’ve never done anything really stupid like rob anyone. I did, however, one time throw a brick through a window. I was super pissed off at the person who lived at the apartment and, in a fit of rage due to addiction or substance use, I picked up what was closest to me, which happed to be a chipped piece of concrete by the curb and chucked it threw the window. I don’t know how’s that going to fix it, but it made me feel better. It was really stupid.”

Prior to losing your friend, had you experienced any sort of obstacles early on in your life that taught you some coping skills to deal with grief, pain, or challenging experiences?

“To isolate; that’s all I’ve ever really known. Get over it and, if you can’t, shut up about it. That’s what I was basically taught.”

Do you want to stop?

“Yes and no. Crystal meth is the only thing that’s kept a roof over my head while, at the same time, it’s kept me on the edge of losing that. It’s the only thing that sort of keeps me connected with the real world because I have friends and acquaintances who use and who keep me from going insane living alone. At the same time, those people come and go. Those people aren’t necessarily friends you want to keep around; they’re people who are just going to bring you down because they’re going to keep you high. I’m aware of that but, at the same time, I can’t stop. So, yes and no. I was sober for about a month and moved to New Mexico with my ex. That didn’t turn out well, obviously. He flew me back here on a last-minute, overnight flight and I started using again.”

How old are you now?

“Twenty-four.”

So, you’ve been using for ten years?

“Just about.”

Any issues with your health?

“No, not that I know of. I probably have shaky hands, but so does everybody.”

Do you sleep?

“Yeah, every night, which is kind of an achievement really if you’re a crackhead like me. I’ve kind of plateaued. I’ve reached a level of tolerance that makes me have a normal sleeping schedule, which is something you really don’t want to be but, at the same time, I’m glad I’m there because now I’m normal-ish. I don’t look cracked out.”

What’s your biggest fear?

“Dying—not from drug use, though I guess that would suck too, but just dying in general, because I don’t know what’s going to happen after that. Maybe my biggest fear is actually not knowing and being unaware.”

In contrast, do you feel like you’re living?

“I feel like I’ve been dead since I was about twelve, but I don’t think that had anything to do with drugs, but the realization of how fucked up the world really is. I think I’m living in a way—I get to do shit that not everybody gets to do, like not have to work, I’m able to explore the city, and that’s what I do every day. I go to different parts of the city and sketch around, but I’m probably not really living, not in a way that’s (I guess) savory.”

Did you grow up here?

“No. I grew up two hours northeast, in a little town, Cold Springs, with about 900 people, and that’s consolidated because it’s a bunch of small towns put together.”

What brought you to Houston?

“Drugs. I bounced from circle of users to circle of users to circle of users until I ended up in Kingwood. Kingwood is right on the outskirts of Houston. I just migrated over here, made friends wherever I could, and now I’m here.”

When you agreed to do the interview, did you have any idea that you’d be talking about this?

“No, not at all. I honestly had no idea what it would be about. I was just like ‘an interview, okay, that’s fine.’ I thought maybe it was going to be ‘how do you feel about Houston’ or some sort of typical bullshit interview, but I didn’t think it would make me open my eyes to shit I’ve been closing them to or haven’t said out loud in a while. I’ve said this stuff before, ‘I don’t want to do this.’”

How does it feel to hear yourself expressing these things?

“It kind of pisses me off.”

In what way?  You’re pissed at yourself?

“Yeah, because I know I’m just going to go get high afterwards.”

Are you high now?

“No. I used, but I’m not high. I guess that’s high; I don’t really know. The last time I used was about six hours ago. I get high and then there’s other days where I just get by and, today, is a just a get by day because I didn’t do too much of it.”

What happens if you don’t use?

“I sleep and I’m dead to the world basically, which is probably what I am now, but in a different way because I’m asleep. I’ve slept for thirty-six hours straight before and my friends have asked if I had a bladder infection, and I said that I was good, just tired. When I woke up, I had muscular atrophy, where I couldn’t really feel much, and then I’d just waddle around until I found food, and then I was good.”

Would you say you’re depressed?

“Probably clinically. I used to take Pristiq, but it didn’t mix well with my meth use, so I cold turkey stopped taking it after about six months. It’s a serotonin replacement or something, but I thought it was kind of bullshit. I’ve been told before by friends that I’ve been manic; they would say ‘wow, you’re pretty manic’ and I’d say ‘yeah, I know.’”

Do you think you were like that before the drugs or has that manifested since?

“Half and half. I’ve always been kind of bipolar-ish, but this has really intensified it or brought it to a meniscus versus overflowing. If it was overflowed, I’d probably be in prison, but it’s definitely got to that point.”

What keeps you in that elevated state?

“Being aware that I’d probably go to prison, so to stay at a constant ‘that’s okay.’ It’s not necessarily the way anybody would want to live.”

What were you like as a child?

“I didn’t take ‘no’ as an answer. I wasn’t a spoiled brat or handed everything I wanted, but I didn’t have to ask for much. I never really had to go without anything. My parents weren’t wealthy, but they were comfortable, and have been that way as long as I can remember. For the most part, I’d say I was a pretty happy kid.”

How did you meet your friend who died?

“We were neighbors. He was like my brother. I don’t have close ties or close relationships with anybody like I did with him. He was the first person I could ever really say was my best friend. When you’re a kid, grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents’ and grandparents’ friends die, and  you say ‘oh, that’s sad.’ But, when your fourteen-year-old best friend dies, basically out of the blue, he just wakes up one morning and then he’s dead . . . That shit really happens, people die, people who you know die, people you’re close with die, and it’s hard. It sucks pretty bad, especially when you’re that young and you don’t really know how to take it in. You know how you’re supposed to take it in, you know how people do it, and you see it in movies, but there’s something inside of you that dies too, and you can’t wake it up. Josh was my best friend and was like a brother to me. We did just about everything together.”

What would you say to him if he was here now?

“That I’m sorry. I would tell him that I’m sorry because, at this point, I would have probably alienated myself from him too. I guess given if he had left and came back. Yeah, I would tell him that I was sorry because I’m sure he wouldn’t have wanted to see me like this.”

What do you think he would say to you?

“I don’t know. He’d probably call me an idiot, but I’m not sure.”

If you could go back to your twelve- or fourteen-year-old self in that time in your life, as the adult you are now, what would you say to that child?

“Don’t do it. You’re going to fuck up. Don’t do it, but that twelve- or fourteen-year-old probably wouldn’t listen anyway. He’d probably think that I was stupid because ‘no’ is not an answer and ‘don’t’ is not a reason.”

What were you passionate about at that age?

“I really liked art and liked to draw. I haven’t actually picked up a pen or pencil and drawn anything since I was about seventeen. My senior year of high school was a pretty heavy usage year. I was focused on doing that versus something that made me happy.”

How does it feel when you’re drawing or creating something?

“It’s instant gratification, kind of like vacuuming is to me now. I did it, it’s there, that’s something I did, it’s something I completed on my own, other people get to see it, I get to see it, know that it’s done, know that I did it, and I like it. It’s a successful feeling, but I haven’t felt that in a minute.”

Did you have any other outlets that you felt a connection to?

“I listened to music a lot. Even now, I listen to music all the time. I never played any instruments and I’m not really talented in any other way, but I like music.”

Do you write at all?

“No, not at all. I don’t even remember the last time I wrote something down. My handwriting probably looks like someone trying to write with their left hand. I’m not used to a pencil or pen; it’s unfamiliar.”

What’s the first thing you do in the morning when you wake up?

“I drink coffee sometimes; that or Coke, which is terrible for you. I eat, smoke a cigarette, and then smoke dope (I guess use).”

Have you ever felt hopeless and suicidal?

“Yes, at least twice a week. I feel like I’ve reached a point where there’s no way of turning around. I’m twenty-four years old and I already hold a drug possession felony. No one’s going to want to hire me, so I haven’t tried to look anymore. I have basically no friends, especially if I were to stop. My family and I aren’t really close and they don’t want to help me anyway. I feel like there’s not a good enough reason to want to keep living but, at the same time, I’m kind of too much of a pussy to kill myself.”

So, you’re just kind of slowly and passively doing it through using drugs every day and not taking care of yourself.

“Pretty much.”

Is this what you thought you’d be doing tonight?

“No. I knew I was going to be doing an interview, but didn’t think it would be such a reflective one.”

If there was someone else out there listening to this or reading this who could relate to where you are in your life and where you’ve been, and possibly feeling hopeless or numb, or even just alone, what message would you want them to hear and know?

“That they’re not alone. There are other people just as fucked up as you are. I have a really bad mouth, it’s probably just another side effect of drug use. They’re not the only ones who feel nothing or like they are that.”

Is there any part of you that sees a different future for yourself other than your situation right now?

“Yeah, but it’s all sort of hazy. If I were to try to picture it, I couldn’t put the pieces together. It’s more like an audio clip. I can hear myself ‘all right, you’re sober, you’re good, life’s okay,’ but I can’t actually see it. It’s like there’s someone with my voice telling me that, but I don’t see it with my own eyes or inside my own head. I can’t picture it and to me that just tells me it’s not a thing. If you can see it, you can achieve it, and I can’t see it.”

Is it possible that that’s faith? Do you have faith?

“I have something; I don’t know what it is. I don’t know if I’m pessimistic or I’m realistic, but I don’t think I have faith in myself; that’s what it is.”

Why?

“Why should I? Maybe I just doubt myself more than I have faith in myself.”

All the various skills you’ve developed to sustain what you’re doing today could be used in the opposite direction to sustain you in a way that you might thrive.

“I’ve managed to be able to live without any sort of resources other than the kindness of strangers for the past three years, so that’s good; that makes me something.”

That’s strength.

“I’m probably evil. I don’t think I’m a bad person for it—surviving strictly on the kindness of others. It sounds terrible when you say it like that. I’m just getting by how I can.”

What would give you hope?

“Probably better resources. If I knew there would be something to catch me whenever I fell off this horrible plane ride of whatever it is I’m going through now. If there was a safety net that would give me hope. Now knowing that I would hit rock bottom and fall to my death if I were to stop, I won’t stop because of that. If there was something to catch me, and if I knew it would be okay and there was a better support system other than the people who are constantly throwing dope in my pipe, then I probably would stop.”

It’s hard to see that in any situation. I can only speak for myself, but for me, I could never see what was going to catch me either, whether I continued to perpetuate self-destruction and didn’t want to not feel pain anymore, but didn’t know how to end it without inflicting more pain on myself, or to follow my heart and intuition and move in the other direction. My life started to change when I listened to my heart and moved in the other direction, but it was just as scary because I couldn’t see how I was going to have the resources I needed and somehow (and I’m not a believer in your traditional God or any type of religion) miraculously I had what I needed when I needed it. It didn’t ever come in the way I expected it to, and yet it was there, some sort of ground beneath my feet, and that gave me faith and restored my faith that if I had enough courage to continue to be vulnerable, enough to step out of my old behaviors, to step out of the routine, and step out of the comfort, even if it is perpetuating discomfort—somehow it’s familiar so it’s comfortable—if I had the vulnerability and courage to do that, something would catch me. I remember early on looking for people who were going to save me or thinking that all these various opportunities that presented themselves were going to be the quick fix that would save me. What I continued to learn, and to repeat over and over again through making that mistake of thinking someone else was going to save me, is that I had the power to save myself all the while. All the resources I needed were within me. I had to think them into reality: thought, action, reality. Yet somehow, we train ourselves to think it’s going to come the opposite way, that it comes from the outside in, but that wasn’t my experience. I don’t know if that makes any sense to you.

“It does.”

I can relate to that feeling of being stuck. You know you want to get off that ride, but you don’t know if there will be anything to catch you if you’re to get off. So, you stay stuck.

“I made up this fun little terminology of being plateaued. You’ve reached a level where there’s nothing much around other than the great distance between you and the ground and it’s not high enough to put you up in the clouds where you need to be. So, you’re there, drifting above the surface of rock bottom and normalcy.”

It’s like being in limbo.

“Yeah, or purgatory. I live in purgatory. Actually, it might be hell. I live in gray, very gray, not a whole lot of color there.”

Are there moments where you see or feel color in your life?

“There’s a lot of blue and, when it’s not blue, it’s red but, for the most part, it’s gray. I don’t really feel much but, whenever I do, it’s usually just sadness. I get so sad and I feel like I can’t do much about it, so again, I get angry, then I get so mad that I cry and that makes me even more sad, and then I’m mad that I’m crying, so it’s purple or gray. It’s not really a colorful journey—this life. It’s like an old-school comic book, it’s all grayscale with a little blue and a little red.”

What do you know about the process of grieving?

“I don’t. I know that it sucks. I don’t know how to get over it. You can either sweep it under the rug or you can actually deal with it, and I’ve just been sweeping it under the rug. Anything that I’ve ever lost, I’ve been ‘all right, shut that down, shut that down’ and only ever pick up where I left off, which is having it suck basically, whenever someone lifts that rug up for me ‘thanks.’ So, I guess I don’t know much about the process of grieving.”

I’m not particularly sure about the order, but there are five stages of grief. I think you’ve mentioned a few of them, like the deep sadness, the anger, and there’s a stage of blame, transferring that uncomfortable feeling onto someone else, making them responsible for your suffering. There’s also acceptance, which I think is a hard one to come to; we avoid a lot by repressing. As long as we can keep it stuffed down, we don’t have to look at it or accept that it happened. Until we do that, we’re not truly moving on, whether it’s grief or trauma. I had a woman tell me in an interview, and it’s very profound, she said when she started to heal the trauma, the addictions started to go away, and that really stuck with me. I believe that we continue to connect with whatever our substance is, whether it’s our phones, drugs, alcohol, money, or sex, to avoid looking at the wound, but the only way to heal a wound is to treat it with compassion and kindness.

“Not a big band aid?”

No. I know in our culture and in our families, we’re taught to discharge pain, to move away from it, and stuff it down.

“The sun gives you a sunburn, stay away from it kind of thing.”

Yes, but growth, transformation, awareness, wisdom, empathy, joy, and love are all qualities that are developed through leaning into pain and discomfort, not from running away from it. Everything that we long for—that sense of real meaningful connection, fulfillment, sustenance in our life, and purpose—is on the other side of that pain, and there’s no way to skip over it or go around it.

“You got to go through it and deal with it.”

Yeah. It’s shitty. I don’t know what’s worse, spending your lifetime running away from it or feeling shitty for a period of time, then having some relief, and maybe recognizing that you’re resilient, you do have potential, and there is more to life than this grayscale and constant fear of when is the bottom going to drop out.

“I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom a couple of times, like literally scraping my teeth on its surface is where I’ll probably want to stop but, at the same time, I’ve probably hit that part too. It seems like chilling at the mantle.”

Do you have a favorite song lyric, mantra, or something that someone has said to you, maybe even your friend or your parents, that has stuck with you that you’d like to share?

“There are lyrics to a song that says ‘if you talk me out of my needs and stitch me up at the seams then I can live in my dreams’.”

What’s that mean to you?

“It’s kind of sad, if you think about it. If I didn’t have to do the things I have to do, then I’d be happy. If I didn’t have to wake up and get high, I’d probably be okay or if I didn’t require x amount of blah, blah, blah then I’d be cool, things would be okay, and life would be a dream. But, that’s not how it is and I’m living a nightmare. Yeah, talk me out of my needs and stitch me up at the seams, I can live in my dreams.”

Do you think it’s possible to heal?

“Yeah. You just got to rip off that band aid I was telling you about. I don’t know. I feel like, metaphorically, my band aid is waterproof and I don’t want to pull it off because it really hurts, and I don’t want to deal with it, so I slowly pick at it, but eventually I just stick it back on. Yeah, it’s possible to heal; tons of people do it, right?”

Yes. It’s a matter of surrendering. It’s like showing up and saying ‘I don’t know how this is going to turn out.’

“But doing it anyway.”

Yeah. That’s courage, right?

“Yeah. I don’t think I have much of that. Like I said earlier, the fear of the unknown, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to do it, so I don’t try it.”

What’s worse? It seems like you have more to lose by continuing and knowing that the rest of your life may look like it does right now or there’s a risk that you may feel some discomfort for a while, but there’s a chance that things could get better.

“I don’t know. I should probably stop using, because it’s not helping me. I wouldn’t necessarily say that it’s hurting me either, but that’s probably the drugs talking.”

Who would be the first person you would call, if you were to make that choice?

“I’d probably call my mom. Yeah, that’s probably who I’d call. I’d probably tell her to come get me. I’ve done it before. I’ve told her ‘I need you to come get me. I need you to fuckin’ stop what you’re doing and come get me’ and she has; she would do it in a heartbeat. The last time I called her and said that was about three years ago. I’m not too sure how or if she would be okay with it or how she would go about it, but I’d call her. I need to call her actually.

“Not only for that, but I miss my family a little bit, a lot. I haven’t seen them. I spent that one Christmas in jail, but the two after that—I didn’t go, the one before that—I didn’t go. I haven’t been home in so long. I haven’t actually seen my mom in a year—that sucks. For a long time, she was my best friend. She was always a shoulder and an ear. It’s been a while, a long time.”

I hope you do make that phone call.

“We Snapchat sometimes, which is kind of weird. We’re actually Snapchat friends, but I haven’t snapchatted her in about six months. I sent her a text about two weeks ago, and that’s about it. I haven’t heard her voice in a long time. I can still remember what she sounds like, which is kind of surprising. Usually whenever I cut things off like that, I completely disconnect from it. I don’t know what they look like. I don’t know what they feel like. I remember her and her voice; it’s weird.”

Do you think she would answer the phone now if you called?

“She’s probably asleep right now, but yeah she might answer. If not, she would text me ‘what?’, but I think she would answer.”

I hope you make that call after this interview. How has it felt to talk about these thoughts, feelings, and experiences with me tonight?

“Surprisingly, not bad. Like I said, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. At the beginning, I thought it was probably going to be annoying, but I didn’t find it that annoying because there was a level of comfort versus judgment. I didn’t feel very judged at all.”

It’s a beautiful thing, you being vulnerable.

“Is that what this is?”

Yeah, and you being met with empathy. It kind of kills shame, which I think feeds addiction.

“Probably, yeah, needing to hide something.”

It’s a heavy weight.

“It will suffocate you. That’s always good.”

It’s lethal; it really is.  Do you think it’s possible by sharing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences so courageously tonight, as you are, that someone on the receiving end gains some hope, inspiration, or at least a sense that they’re not alone?

“I would hope so, because this wasn’t that easy to do. Yeah, I think they probably could if they aren’t stubborn assholes like me, and listen all the way through. Because if I were handed this to listen to, read, or watch, I’d probably stop paying attention halfway through; depending on my state of mind I might say ‘I don’t want to hear that.’ If I actually listened to it or if someone like me listened to it from A to B, they’d probably like it; they’d probably get it.”

Yeah.  Thank you.

“Thank you. You’re welcome.”

I’m really proud of you. This was a really courageous thing to do and you skipped right into it.

“I ripped the band aid off that time.”

You did. I hope you’ll continue to do that.

“There’s a bunch of open blisters and sores here—this sounds so weird.”

Thanks.

#crystalmeth #addiction #recovery #grief #healing #vulnerability #courage #mentalhealth #heartsofstrangers #houston

[heartsofstrangers]

(Hearts of Strangers)

#SoundCloud #music #Hearts of Strangers #gangs #addiction #mentalhealth #sexualtrauma

[heartsofstrangers]

What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

“I’ve had some challenging times, but I think my current challenge is the most challenging in the sense that I’m the most conscious of it, I guess. I know that we’ve talked about this before, but I’m going to reiterate for the sake of the recorder. My youngest sister died in a car crash on Thanksgiving of last year, unexpectedly, obviously, and it was horrible and really tragic. She was super nice. Everyone loved her. She was super cool, a really awesome person. It definitely hit me pretty hard. I wouldn’t say that we were close enough to talk to each other every day, but I’ve known her since she was born and felt very close to her. I wanted to see her thrive and do well. I was happy to see how much she was thriving. She was 21 at the time, living her best life to the fullest, in a very inspirational way. Seeing that and seeing the reaction from her friends and family, and people who knew her, when we did her services. People from all areas of her life—people who knew her from school, from church, from work, or from wherever—everyone adored her, and everyone was so broken up. I’ve never been to a funeral for a tragic, untimely death like that, so it’s hard to compare. I’ve never been to an event like that where everyone was so visibly shaken and upset, everyone was bawling. It’s not like that when someone’s grandparent dies or the typical death events that we go to. In such a short time, she touched so many peoples’ lives and everyone had nothing but good things to say about her and it made me think about my own life. I thought, ‘If I died right now, I wouldn’t get this kind of response and if I died at 21, even less so.’ I didn’t seize my life in the same way she did.

“My sister was very open and genuine with people. I think people like me fine, but I didn’t have the type of bonds that she had with people where they would go to bat for her without even thinking about it. It was especially tragic because she had a pretty tough upbringing. She’s my half-sister and we share a mother who is a drug addict. I feel like she will always be a drug addict. I don’t know what her current status is—I don’t really keep up with her. I don’t think she’s on drugs at the moment, but could be any day, and has been basically my entire life that I can remember. My sister was in and out of foster care when she was younger and had to deal with that and had to deal with our mom’s issues. I think her dad had a drug problem as well early on in her life, but he got clean and has stayed clean, and he became very active in the church and the church sort of helped bring her up.

“At the age of 21, she had her shit together emotionally in a way that was so impressive, considering the life she had to live early on. I feel that I have a lot of unresolved emotional issues because of my own early life. That’s why I say her life was inspirational to me, in the sense that she was the little sister, but she was coping with it and had dealt with it in a way that was impressive. It made me think, ‘Wow, I’m not living my life like that and I haven’t lived my life like that,’ and it made me face a lot of those things head on that I had pushed off for as long as I can remember. I remember when I was younger and dealing with my parents’ divorce. I didn’t really know what was going on with my mom. I don’t know when it became apparent that she was a drug addict, but I eventually figured it out. They tried to hide it from me to some extent. I have weird memories of being places that I know realize were crack houses when I was younger. There were times when my mom said she lost something, but she definitely pawned it for drug money. Things like that. I started to connect the dots later. From a very early age I stopped visiting my mom. Whenever I was able to make the decision to end the court-ordered visitation, I did. I cut that out as best as I could because I was pissed off, but I didn’t understand it at the time that I was pissed off as a little kid.

“I had stability in a sense. I always had a place to live and I wasn’t hungry. My dad and grandma did a pretty good job keeping everything together from that standpoint, but from an emotional support standpoint, they didn’t really. I didn’t really seek it out, but at the same time, I was 10, 11, or 12 years old. I had no idea and I had to deal with something I couldn’t understand. I closed it all off; that was my solution at the time because I didn’t know what I was feeling and no one was helping me understand what I was feeling. That turned me into an angsty teenager, a little trouble-making here and there, but I was always a good student so I never really got into serious trouble. You’ll get a lot of passes when you get good grades, even when you get in trouble with the cops for skateboarding, egging cars, or whatever, shit like that. I was always like, ‘Well, I’m doing good in school, what do you want from me?’ That was how I dealt with it. By closing it off, it impacted not only relationships with my family, but with every friendship/relationship I had, including now. I was never emotionally close with any of my friends. I was always the jokester kind of guy. I never understood the male bonding thing. I never told my friends that I was feeling upset or whatever. Everything was either cool or I would be angry about something, but wouldn’t say anything. I would just say everything is fine or, if it wasn’t fine, I would just pretend that it was fine. I didn’t even understand it at the time; this is all of my understanding in retrospect. That was how I felt about stuff—yeah, dude, my mom is a drug addict, my parents got divorced, I don’t even care. That was how I made it seem.

“Now that I’m a grownup, I realize there’s no way that stuff can happen to you as a kid and just be cool with it. Because I never dealt with it and closed it off, I didn’t even realize until now. I’m starting to realize that I didn’t face any of that stuff. It affected all my friendships, relationships, and my behaviors. It impacted me in super deep ways. My parents got divorced when I was 6 or 7. I don’t really remember; that was the history I was told. I have these random memories of traumatic shit happening. If I can remember something like that and have it stuck in my mind from such a young age, obviously there’s something from that happening. Who knows all of the stuff I don’t remember? It’s in here somewhere affecting me somehow, which is something I started to realize. It’s just not healthy to keep all that stuff inside.

“It’s weird, I had a funny moment; I guess I can say it’s funny now. After my sister died, the family was all getting together. Everyone on my mom’s side was getting together about a month or two after. It was my mom’s step-sister, I guess my aunt, she was around when we were younger. She was telling some story about back in the day. My mom’s family is pretty open about my mom being a fuck-up; they even joke about it to some extent. How else can you handle it? They keep her around, people are nice to her, and they like to see her doing well, but she’s definitely run out of favors from most of that side of the family. They still have her around, but they won’t let her borrow money, but they want to see her doing well. There are jokes here and there about her being the family fuck-up. My aunt was telling some story and she said, ‘I was arguing with your mom one time, and I can’t remember exactly, but I threw a can of soup and hit someone in the head, blah, blah, blah,’ and I said that was me who got hit in the head. I could not have told you that story, but when I heard it, that memory slammed back into my head. Oh shit, that was me. I got hit in the head with a can. I was probably about 10 years old. It made me realize, damn, how many other traumatic events are in there somewhere that I don’t consciously remember, but something can bring them out like that. Who knows how they’ve been guiding me unconsciously my whole life?

“I said I was going to give a brief background, but it wasn’t that brief. I repressed all that stuff and never dealt with it. I never reached out to people. I never sought support from friends. I never did any of that. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly close with any of my friends on an emotional level. It’s like we’re cool, we go out and play video games, crack jokes, or drink beers but it’s never like, ‘How’ve you been, bro?’ I’m like, “Yeah, I’m good, everything’s chill,” or give some bullshit office answer like ‘living the dream, man’—whatever. It now occurs to me that most people don’t operate like that with their friends. A lot of people share stuff with their friends, and it seemed like my take on it was it’s kind of embarrassing to share your shit with people, but then you realize everyone has shit, so there’s nothing embarrassing about it and it actually brings you closer because it shows that vulnerable side of you to tell a friend ‘no, I’m not doing well.’

“Annabelle died on Thanksgiving, and since then, there were definitely some dark times. Like, oh shit, I can’t believe that happened; it’s so horrible. I miss her. I regret not seeing her more and talking to her more. All those feelings wrapped up, and then I turned inward about it. I started going to therapy, which I had tried on and off over the years. It never worked well for me because I was basically lying to the therapist, not telling him how I really felt, or that whole being vulnerable and letting yourself say that you’re not okay was not something that I did, even in the confines of a therapist’s office. I would just give some bullshit like ‘today was tough because I was stressed about work.’ It’s one of those things you can only get out of it what you put into it. A therapist isn’t going to help you if you don’t tell him what’s really going on. So, I told myself this time I’m going to a therapist and I’m not going to lie, which has been my rule and I’ve been doing well with it, I’d say.

“My challenge now is confronting all that stuff. I concluded with my therapist after telling her about how I’ve felt over the past several years, how I used to be really into making music and I stopped doing that because it wasn’t bringing me any joy, really nothing was bringing me any joy, and this was even leading up to Annabelle. I felt like all of that repressed stuff had started to manifest in me being super depressed, but not outwardly or in a way anyone would notice. That’s a whole other question about people don’t really know what depression looks like, I guess. That’s just how I felt inside and nothing really made me happy. I was distracting myself with bullshit stuff like playing videogames, going out partying, and blah, blah, blah, anything to not have to deal with the fact that I was feeling super shitty and not enthused about life at all. Nothing brought me joy and I didn’t really feel like doing anything. I felt like my ideal activity after coming home from work would be to press a button in a videogame and skip to the next day so I didn’t have to live out the next seven or so hours before I went to sleep. I didn’t want to do anything. I’d rather just go to sleep, wake up, and go to work the next day. It was so gradual that it became normal after a while and I didn’t even question it.

“This came at an age, a couple of years ago when I turned 30, and it was like, ‘oh, maybe this is adulthood, you run out of exciting things to look forward to.’ I was done with college, I lived out my twenties, I have a stable career, and now life is just boring. That also kind of threw me off the scent, I guess you could say. I thought that was just part of life. It turns out that a lot of people over thirty are psyched every day to live their life. They do things that make them happy and they get joy from hobbies and friends. I explained this to my therapist and she said, ���Dude, you’re depressed,’ and I was like, ‘Oh, shit, maybe you’re right.’ It kind of clicked for me. I’ve read a lot about it, you hear about it in music, and I have friends who deal with depression, but I was like ‘no, that’s not me,’ but it turned out that it was me and it wasn’t like it was new or because of Annabelle dying.

“Looking back, I had probably been depressed for years to various degrees, and I finally am doing something about it. My therapist and I were talking about it and she said that I need to make some changes in my life. I need to deal with issues that I have. I need to work on growing my friendships and relationships with my family. I didn’t feel like doing any of that because I just felt like going to sleep. My therapist suggested trying a medication and got me on one. I’m relatively new to the antidepressant game; it’s been about a month or so. I feel some sort of change, but now I have to do the work. She said now I have to do the work, but if I don’t feel like doing the work, then we have to address that first and get into a place where I have enough energy to face this stuff. I’m on the first step of trying to deal with this stuff and it’s not like Step 1 is this and Step 2 is that—who the hell knows? There are so many moving pieces I have to address. Some of the work is internal and some of the work is external in terms of my relationships. I’ve been trying to have more substantial or open conversations with my friends about stuff, saying ‘I’m dealing with this thing right now.’

“Annabelle’s services were a big step in making me feel this was okay. A couple of my friends went to the wake in Massachusetts. Some of them lived in New York and Connecticut, and they all pulled it together and came. It was super duper nice of them. It was awesome to see them supporting me and I was bawling my eyes out that entire night. Being in that position when I had always been embarrassed about opening up to my friends, but in that moment, embarrassment was not even a thought because I was so consumed with the pain of losing Annabelle. When you have an experience like that where all your good friends travel to support you in a time of need and they saw you crying your eyes out, I feel pretty okay telling them I’m having a bad day at this point because they’ve seen as bad as it can get for me. If you would have told me those people were coming for me, I was surprised honestly because I’ve always kept an emotional distance from my friends. I didn’t think they cared enough about me to come for that. It was surprising and touching. It made me value those relationships more. Part of me always felt that relationships were sort of interchangeable when I was growing up; you could change out one friend for another. They were just people you did activities with. There really wasn’t a bond there because I never made an effort to form those bonds; but I got a little older and this experience made me think, ‘Wow, these people actually care about me.’ I guess a lot of it comes back to my never really wanting to let people care about me because in my mind . . . I had a cynical point of view. I thought that people were self-interested and if I let someone care about me, it’s only a matter of time before they say, ‘Now I need to care about something else’ or ‘I’m going to care about myself.’ It’s almost as if you give someone the power over you to put your trust in them, you’re almost setting yourself up for disappointment. It sounds cliché. But, when one of the main people in your life, like a parent, doesn’t care—I wouldn’t say my mom doesn’t care about me, but she wasn’t there for all those years, so it kind of warped my view of relationships and made me distrustful of people. It was amazing that all those people came, and we went out to dinner afterward. Everything was cool and people were super supportive.

“For the past couple of months I’ve been trying to be more open with people and expand those relationships, add some depth to those relationships, accept that those people are important and they care about me and I care about them. That’s a totally normal thing and it’s fine. That’s one of the many steps I need to take, and it’s one relationship at a time, one conversation at a time. I can’t be ‘oh, hey friend, just so you know, we’re super close now because I feel emotionally vulnerable, so it’s all good.’ You have to build that, and that’s what I’m trying to do. Even with new friends, I’m trying harder to be myself and be open with people. I think over the years, I kind of adapted this sort of chameleon personality where I could be whatever I needed to be in the moment, and I wasn’t always being true to myself. It was uncomfortable for me and it was very emotionally and mentally exhausting for me to live that way. It also gave people a misconception of who I was and it led me to be friends with people I shouldn’t have really been friends with because sometimes I thought, ’I don’t really like that person, but I can act a certain way, so that they would like me, so I’m going to do that.’ Just because I like being liked or I liked being cordial and playing the social game. To some extent, you have to do that, but not when it comes to actual friends. There’s one woman at my last job when I lived in New York, she was a super big Yankees fan. I don’t give a shit about baseball, but I started keeping up with the Yankees just so I could chat with this lady in the office. I couldn’t say why. I could have said I’m not into baseball and we could find something else to connect on. We’re not the type of people who are going to chit chat about baseball because I’m just not into it, but that’s just some shit that I would do, or that’s what I used to do. I would try to figure out what people wanted and would be that. So, now I’m trying harder to be myself, and if people like that, that’s cool. I may have fewer relationships, but the ones I do develop should theoretically be better because it’s the real me, and they’re saying they like the real me. I’m being the real me, everything’s cool, and everyone likes that. Using that same mentality to expand my existing relationships is one of the challenges now. I’m trying to re-establish myself and re-establish my relationships, and figure out a vision for my life, because I’ve sort of been coasting for the past couple of years because I was super depressed.

“Annabelle’s death opened up a whole can of worms in terms of my own personal stuff I had never dealt with. There’s a little bit of embarrassment and shame in being behind the curve. I don’t even know if that’s true or not, but I feel like being 30 and ‘I’m trying to find myself’ is lame. That’s what your younger years are for, to build yourself up like that and figure out who you are, what you want, and what you want to do. So, doing that now is a little embarrassing, but it’s what I need. Some people never do it, or do it later than I am now, so it’s not that bad. The only alternative would be to not do it at all, which would be horrible because I couldn’t imagine another 50 years living in the condition that I’m in now. That would be miserable. Yeah, I think that’s my challenge now.

“Part of the reason I’m doing this is that I feel like I need to, not necessarily to apologize, but to give an explanation. A lot of my friends know my history, but I’ve brushed it off, saying ‘yeah, I’m the one with the drug addict mom, it’s not a big deal,’ but it formed me. It made me the way I am in very deep ways, and not necessarily that, but the fact that I never dealt with it is even more crucial to developing who I am and how I am. I want people who are close to me and who know me to get this information and not to sit everyone down individually and say, ‘I’ve been dealing with some stuff for a real long time, were talking like decades.’ It’s gone through various iterations like denial and whatever, acting out, and all of these things, like distracting myself and everything except dealing with it. I just want people to know I care about the people in my life, and any distance they’ve felt from me over the years wasn’t personal; it was all about me and how I am and how I feel with the discomfort of sharing myself with other people. Hopefully, it helps people get some insight into how I am and who I am, and why are friendships are the way they are, but I promise I’m going to be cool now and we can talk about feelings, and it’s fine.”

Tell me a little bit more about growing up with your mother. You mentioned that, in hindsight, there are probably some traumatic experiences that haven’t surfaced yet, some things that have, and there are probably some obvious signs that she was an addict. I’m curious about what, on a day-to-day basis, that looked and felt like for you as a child.

“I don’t really remember a time where everything was all good in the house. I have vague memories of my mom being around when I was in kindergarten, but I think early on, when I was 7, 8, and 9, a lot of that stuff was hidden from me. I was told that my parents were going through a divorce and I remember arguments and fights, but really never understood why or what was going on.

“I remember going to sketchy places and meeting sketchy people. There’s this one story that I always remember. I was in fifth grade and my elementary school does a trip to Old Sturbridge Village, this little tiny village in Massachusetts. It’s one of our first out-of-state trips and we take the nice bus. I remember I had a Sony Walkman and the cool thing to do was to have your CD and Walkman and listen to it on the bus. I was looking forward to that. I was so psyched about my Sony Walkman, it was red, or Discman, whatever the CD one was. I remember that it was red with gray accent features, and I was super psyched about it. I brought it, however old a fifth grader kid is, wherever I went, whether I was sitting in the car and listening to it. I remember I went to visit my mom (she lived on Edgar Street in New Haven), which is kind of a sus area. I was listening to it there that weekend. I had to visit my mom that weekend and then Monday we were going on the trip. My dad picked me up and Monday rolls around and I remember I couldn’t find my Discman. I was looking for it and I was like ‘what the hell, I need to bring it on the trip.’ All the cool kids are going to be listening to their CD players on the bus, it’s an hour and a half ride. I told my father that I thought I left it at my mom’s house and I made my dad take me there early in the morning before school. He went up to get it and he came back and said that she let her friend borrow it and she doesn’t have it. I told him that I wanted to go to the friend’s house to get it and he said, ‘No, we can’t, we can’t.’ Like I said earlier and alluded to, she pawned it. When you’re a drug addict and happen to find an electronic in your house, that’s the first thing you’re going to do. It’s weird to me. I can’t tell you any other single, individual story from fifth grade, but that story stands out to me.

“There was a lot of stuff like that. She would come over and ask us if we had any birthday or Christmas money that she could borrow, just weird stuff like that. What I remember most is a lot of individual events that happened like that during that time. Some I remember and some I don’t, but what I remember is the way that I felt back then. Once you start going to school and meeting other kids and families, it was clear to me that something was ‘wrong’ with my family. My mom wasn’t around, and especially because, for the most part, it was peoples’ moms who were picking them up from school, going to PTA things, or chaperoning trips, and it was always my dad who did it, which seemed weird at the time. A single dad was uncommon at that time, and still is to some extent. I asked myself why everyone else’s mom was there, but mine wasn’t. I had a feeling that something about my situation was off and I just remember feeling that way. It became more apparent to me the more socialized I got and the more I got out into the world as a child, and realized this isn’t normal.

“Honestly, in retrospect it seems so obvious, but I did not connect the dots on this until literally about five years ago. We had DARE in elementary school—it was the drug education program for kids. The cops would come and teach us why drugs are bad and we had to write an essay about why drugs are bad (something like that) in fifth grade. I wrote about my mom because that was my experience: this is why drugs are bad—it fucks your family up, or whatever my fifth-grade self had to say about it—and I won the essay contest. I got a stuffed DARE lion as my prize, which was pretty cool. I think I still have it. Two years later, my sister who is two years younger than me and went to the same school, presumably wrote about the same thing for the same contest, and she also won it. I thought we must be really great essay writers. At some point when I was in my twenties I realized the reason we won was because the adults reading these essays thought, ‘Oh shit, these two kids have a drug-addicted mom, let’s give them a win.’ It wasn’t just a coincidence that we both won. Not that other families couldn’t have been impacted by drugs, but I feel it wasn’t the norm, and we may have been the only ones who wrote a personal story like that. Other kids might have written about what they learned about in DARE, but I wrote about why drugs are bad and here’s a story about my mom. It literally just connected to me a couple of years ago that we both probably won because people felt bad for us.”

Was that essay something that was shared with your peers?

“I don’t remember, but I don’t think so. I think it was submitted and the teachers read it. I don’t know, but it might have gotten published in a booklet afterward; they may have picked the best ones. If it was, I definitely don’t remember it happening and or remember feeling any type of way about people hearing about it. I never thought about it, actually.”

Even just to write about it for whatever the purpose the contest was around is a pretty courageous thing to do, to expose people to that part of your life, which is often a source of shame and fear for many. If your peers did discover it, that may have garnered more respect for you or brought some awareness to that.

“Fifth-graders can be little assholes, so they would have probably been ‘ha, ha, your mom’s a drug addict!’ Who knows? I don’t remember getting picked on. A lot of my friends who were close to me from my home town, over the years, had come to know about it. If you stick around long enough, something’s going to come up where it’s relevant, but I never told anyone specifically because I wanted them to know. It would just happen to come up the longer people stuck around.

“When I was in high school, my mom was a waitress at Duchess Diner in West Haven, and she said, ‘You and your friends should come in.’ There were various times throughout my younger life when I tried to be cool with my mom here and there; it would be a couple of months, or a year, and then I would pull back for a year. This was one of those times where I gave it a shot, and we would go and she would give us some free food.

“My mom has a history of suicide attempts, and I remember there was a time when I was at the diner with my friends and she was serving our food to us and, as she was handing us our plates with her wrists exposed under her arms, you could see scars. I remember the feeling ‘man, all my friends are clearly noticing this now.’ It’s one thing to say ‘oh, yeah, my mom was a drug addict back in the day’ and they had a vague understanding of that, but now she was serving us food with her suicide scars all up in our faces. I think that was probably the last time I went there with them. That’s another weird random story that I remember too.

“My friends in college where you have those drunken nights, when you meet people later in life, you kind of give them the rundown on where you came from and blah, blah, blah. I told some friends I got close to in college directly about it, when they asked, ‘So, where you from?’ conversations that happened over the years. It’s not like I necessarily hid it from people per say but, to my earlier point, I would tell them about it and then say, ‘She sucks—it’s no big deal.’

Speaking of suicides, someone like you who has experienced depression and not really even recognized it, did you ever find yourself at such low points where you had given up hope that things would get any better or considered taking your own life?

“Thankfully, I haven’t. The farthest I’d say it’s gone is that I didn’t want to live that day, not trying for that day, or I just wanted to skip that day. Like I said earlier, I would come home from work and say, ‘I did my duty for the day. Can I just wake up tomorrow and not have to live these hours?’ There have definitely been experiences of my not wanting to live through a particular span of time, but it never crossed my mind to just totally end it, luckily. I could see how those thoughts could creep in, especially if it happens gradually. You could start thinking those things and not even realize what’s going on, but luckily it has never gotten that bad. I’m thankful for that.”

What were some of your coping skills during the times where you were at some of your lowest points? You mentioned sleeping.

“Sleeping, smoking weed, just kind of distraction, pretty much. I would get stoned, play videogames, or take naps, try to hang out with people. I never wanted to be necessarily be by myself and be sober minded. In those moments, my thoughts would go places that I did not want them to go, and I felt I was pushed to deal with or think about those things. I would just get high, play videogames, and would get so consumed with external stimuli that I wouldn’t have to worry about that stuff. Distraction was definitely my number one coping mechanism for as long as I can remember.

“Even when I was younger, in high school, I was always doing stuff. Every day, I would come home from school and then I’d go skateboarding with my friends. I was surrounded by people all the time. In my college years, I partied a bunch. I lived with roommates all the time. In the summers, between college semesters when I would come back home, my house turned into the hangout spot. I would literally have ten-plus people over every night and we would drink and smoke, hang out, listen to music, and play games. I would constantly surround myself with people. I think, in looking back, when I started to turn a page and actually felt depressed and didn’t want to be around people so much, I told myself, ‘Maybe I’m just an introverted person’ and that’s when I said, ‘Yeah, I’m an introvert, I’ve figured it out.’ But that didn’t really jibe with my history because I like being around people and I like social activities. There were definitely days when I was feeling down and wanted to get together with some people and that would bring my energy up. That’s the opposite of an introverted mentality where you think ‘I need to be by myself to recharge.’

“Now, looking back, I wonder if I realized I was an introvert, or was that when I started to feel the feelings of depression starting to happen because I went from always wanting to be around people, which was bad in its own right because it was my coping mechanism to distract myself, to wanting to be by myself, but now I’m not distracted by people so I need to get high and do other stuff by myself that would occupy my mind.”

Did you have any friends or people who are close to you who reached out in a suggestive way that maybe you’re not okay and they were trying to offer you help?

“No, never ever, and I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault other than my own. I think I did a very good job of hiding it. When I was with people, I would be my normal self. I had some friends, when I said that I didn’t want to hang out, they were a little more pushy. I could be convinced at times, and I don’t know if that’s because they sensed something or if that’s just how they are and they really wanted me to come hang out with them. I don’t know if they necessarily consciously felt that I needed it. I think my persona that I put forth all the time was that everything was always cool and everything’s fine. If I didn’t want to hang out, I would make up a good enough reason where it didn’t seem suspicious. I wouldn’t say, ‘I’m not feeling well’ or ‘I’m not in the mood.’ I would say, ‘I’m doing this or I’m doing that’ so it never set off any alarms for anyone when there was that shift. It also came with college ending too. Relationships and dynamics started to change at the point where you’re not seeing people all the time. People are starting to go their separate ways, and that facilitated my being able to pull back. It was good timing to do it in a way that didn’t seem suspicious to anyone paying attention.”

Now, where you are today? What do your coping skills look like? How are you finding that balance between being social and also honoring your own space and time to yourself?

“That is tough. I’m trying to give myself time by myself to just sit and reflect, and also to kind of dive back into the things I got joy and satisfaction out of, like working on music, playing ultimate Frisbee, riding my bike, things like that. I’m trying to be more active in a way I feel is productive for me as a person, because it’s very easy for me to say I don’t feel like doing anything and I’ll try tomorrow, or just do nothing. I’m trying to get back into the things I feel satisfy me, make me feel fulfilled, and help me grow and learn. Therapy is helping a lot. I also make time to reflect on therapy: What did I say last week? What do I want to talk about next week? How do I feel about this? I feel like it would be very easy to fill up my whole schedule with ‘stuff’ from session to session, with no growth in between.

“When I used to take guitar lessons, my teacher would say that I couldn’t not practice between this lesson and the next, or I’d never get better. So, when you’re not here with me, you need to be doing work on your own and I thought ‘yeah, you’re right’ and that’s what I started to do, and I’m taking the same sort of approach with therapy and making sure I have time to myself to sit and think, even though it’s unbearably boring at times or scary too because what if I sit and think and don’t come up with the answer? I’m thinking through things that are uncomfortable or reaching conclusions that are uncomfortable, but I’m trying to train myself. I guess productivity is my main goal in terms of facilitating my own personal growth. Not to say that I’m perfect—I’m still distracting myself to some extent, but I’m trying to be more conscious of it. I ask myself, ‘Am I doing this activity right now because it brings me joy and because I want to do it, or am I doing it because I’m avoiding having to deal with myself?’ I’m kind of checking myself every step of the way, which has been helping. I’m really investing in time and reflecting on my own growth and getting back into the things I love, and this has been helpful. It’s not like you can just flip a switch, so it’s been tough. Every day, I have to convince myself that I have to try today.”

What has the process of losing Annabelle taught you about grief?

“I’ve never felt anything like it. My grandma died a year before that. She was sick towards the end of her life and she was very old (in her nineties). My primary feeling when she died was relief that she wasn’t suffering anymore. She had had a good run. We all loved and appreciated what she gave to us and her time came to an end.

“The first couple of weeks after Annabelle died, I was consumed; it was all I could think about. All the different things, like I said earlier, regretting not being there for her more, talking to her more, thinking about her last moments, and what were those like. Thinking ‘man, she woke up that day, not knowing that that was going to be her last day.’ That got me to thinking ‘today might be my last day and not even know it.’ All these thoughts I would never think were consuming me for a while. Early on, I got a lot of support from friends and family reaching out, and it was good during that time when all those thoughts were consuming me, but then you realize all that stuff goes away after a while, which is natural. There are still some people who would check in once in a while. That first couple of weeks were a whirlwind, and now it’s sort of something that just sits with me all the time. In some ways, it’s good. I feel that’s my motivation to better myself and I think, ‘I need to be more like Annabelle.’ That’s kind of what I lean back on, and it’s helped me in that sense. I guess I didn’t expect for it to be so long-lasting and so intense early on. I’m not the type of person that cries ever, but I could not help but cry at so many different points; it would just happen. It brought me closer to my family, to some extent, at least on that side. I have another half-sister, who is Annabelle’s whole sister – it made me want to cherish that relationship more in an active way, and be more a part of her life. The intensity and length of time that it stays with you, and then how it has morphed now, it’s sad, but the last gift to me, was to make me a better person in her honor. I didn’t really expect to have it stick with me.

“I still think about Annabelle and how cool she was, and I need to be as cool as she was—the lasting feeling I’m trying to hold onto. I’ve never felt anything as intense as that feeling, whether good or bad. It was an experience and it kind of shocked the system at the right time because I had become numb or indifferent to everything. I didn’t really feel happy or sad about anything that was going on and it made me say, “Wow, there are some things that can happen to you, no matter how down you are, that you can’t help but feel to the fullest.’ I realized that I wasn’t a total robot, I could feel this, and it was horrible. Even during those times that I didn’t try to socialize much, I tried to spend a lot of time in solitude because I didn’t want to distract myself and remember thinking that I felt sad, and I didn’t want to take my mind off it, even when someone would ask me to go out for a drink or do something. I wanted to feel super sad about this because it was something I should feel super sad about, and she deserves to have me feel super sad about it. I didn’t want to distract myself from that feeling. I wanted to own it, understand it, and feel it to the fullest. It was very complex, I’d say. I was not well equipped. I hadn’t dealt with a death in that way before. It was intense.

It sounds like it opened the door for you to feel lots of difficult emotions you had been holding onto for years, and it also prepared you to begin dealing with them.

“Yeah, I think that’s true. Like I said, openly crying and having people see that, people reaching out to me and telling them that I felt awful in a way that I felt was justified or understandable. Prior to this, I felt embarrassed to say I was having a bad day, I felt sad, I’m having doubts about my career, or any normal thing that people associated with negative feelings. But this was one thing—who would judge me for being sad about my sister dying in a car crash? It was something beyond reproach, so I could use it as a springboard to open up about other stuff and understand that people are generally sympathetic to other people’s struggles, and I should use it on a smaller scale, and it’s not something as tragic.”

Have you found that being honest with people they are then open to be vulnerable and open with you?

“I think so. I think I’ve experienced that. I’ve had some conversations with people that I think I was not capable of having a year ago, or even eight or six months ago. I think it does set the tone when you’re able to be that way. When you’re closed off, other people will be closed off with you, because no one wants to be the only person being vulnerable. I think I have experienced that in more than one conversation with friends. That’s been positive reinforcement. It makes me feel like people aren’t going to be, ‘oh, you’re sad, you suck.’ I had this absurd, hypothetical, irrational fear about opening up and that people would be judgmental about it. However, most people say, ‘I totally get it, I also feel that way, or I feel a different way, but it’s also not great for me.’ People feel a lot better about opening up when you open up yourself. I’ve noticed that and it was surprising. It seems obvious in retrospect, and it’s a lesson a lot of people learn at a much earlier age, but I was like, ‘Wow, that’s kind of cool.’”

Out of the years of burying your feelings, distracting yourself from them, locking them away, and having this experience of losing Annabelle opening the floodgates for you to start processing all that and integrating parts of yourself into a more authentic, vulnerable, true self, what’s the takeaway from all this? What’s one of the more valuable things you’re gaining from this?

“I think it’s moving forward, I don’t have to learn how to just deal with my past, I have to learn how to deal with things as they come now. There are going to be more challenging things in my life. There will be things that are emotionally difficult. I’ve seen what happens if you don’t deal with them, and it can affect you in ways you don’t even understand. The lesson here is, step one, I have to reconcile my past for myself, but step two is I have to learn how to develop those skills to deal with things now as they happen. My biggest takeaway is to trust my feelings more and, if I do feel bad about something, I have to say it, deal with it, and, if I need support from people, I need to reach out to them and ask for it. I don’t want to be having this same conversation in ten years and be like, ‘Man, my thirties were real tough, I did that whole thing and dealt with my childhood, but then I didn’t develop the skills to deal with things so now I’m dealing with everything retroactively.’ I need to learn to deal with things as they happen.”

What advice would you offer to someone who could relate to either your experiences or the feelings that you expressed?

“Primarily, don’t be afraid to ask other people for help. I know that sounds obvious and is something repeated often, but I think a lot of my stuff came from my thinking over the years, ‘I can handle it, I can deal with it.’ Either I would be in denial about it or I would convince myself that I was ‘fine’ and I dealt with it myself; however, denying it or repressing it is not dealing with it. Relationships are fundamental to the human experience. So, use them to grow and let people care for you, which is a lot easier said than done. It’s okay to ask people to help you out or just to give an ear to talk through stuff. I used to think that was ridiculous, like ‘why? I don’t want to hear about your problems.’ My not knowing how to let someone be a good friend to me also prevented me from being a good friend to them. I would say you have to learn to understand your own feelings and know when you need help from someone, and that’s tough. You have to get to know yourself, what your baseline is, and what you’re feeling, and there are so many different layers to it.

“If you would have asked me ten years ago how I felt about something, I would have given you an answer, but that would have been a surface answer that I convinced myself of internally, and I didn’t even understand that I had been adding these layers of denial and diffusion on top of my actual core feelings. You have to figure out how to get to your own core feelings about stuff.”

Do you have a favorite quote, mantra, song lyric, or something poignant that someone said to you that sticks with you that you’d like to share?

“Nothing is coming to mind, but let me think on that. I feel like I often get attached to song lyrics in various points or moments in my life and I think ‘I can relate to that’ and that’s my thing for the day, the week, or whatever.

“I have been listening to a lot of depressing music lately. I’ve been diving into it. I like that there’s a movement now to untangle the stigma with mental health and stuff like that, because it has been comforting to me to listening to artists who specifically talk about struggling with depression itself. It’s weird, out of context of the song, it’s not a particularly poignant lyric, but there is this rapper Saba, who has a song, “Care for Me,” which makes sense to what I was saying. One of the lyrics in the first verse of the song says, ‘I don’t know how long I’ve had depression.’ That kind of hit me when I heard it, because my therapist told me I probably have it, and I’ve been taking medication for the past month or two since I came to the conclusion that I had it, but I don’t know how long I’ve had it because it became part of my normal. I don’t know when it happened, and it makes me question how much of my behavior, my decision making, my lifestyle, and other stuff has been impacted by this force within me that I didn’t understand. I never really thought about it that way. It was nice to accept that I’m dealing with it now. In saying I don’t know how long I’ve had it is kind of a scary thought to think about.”

Yeah, I can relate. My mother used to refer to me as a child as I was growing up that I was always kind of Eeyore-ish.

“Wow, that’s harsh.”

I can remember that my sisters and I each got a Care Bear that somehow resembled our personality and character, and I got Cloudy.

“Damn . . . Wow!”

Yeah. Who knows how far back it goes? I think the context of what you’re experiencing at any given point in time in your life says a lot about your depression and it was probably a very normal reaction to the environment you were in and the situations you were dealing with.

“Yeah. All those years I spent distracting myself it could have been there and I wasn’t feeling it because my compulsion to distract myself came from that. It’s scary to think about.”

Do you think that by sharing these thoughts, experiences, and feelings with me today you could potentially help inspire somebody else or give them hope that they’re not alone?

“That’s my hope. When I hear musicians and artists talk about their struggles, it makes me feel that there are other people out there who are experiencing what I’m experiencing, to some extent. We see it in art and media, but in this format, maybe less so. There’s no art behind it; it’s just a conversation. I’ve seen people post about their mental health struggles on social media and I would feel like it was TMI, but part of me was envious, thinking ‘they’re really just putting it all out there.’ Hopefully, it does make someone else maybe realize that they’re dealing with something, or if they already realize it, they’re okay with accepting it and even letting other people know about it. I hope so; I’m doing my small part. I think everyone should be more open about this stuff. I can be one more person throwing my hat in the ring:‘Yep, I’m in this thing, too.’ Maybe it will make someone else feel more comfortable. Who knows? I hope your whole project has that effect.”

I hope so. It’s my way of throwing my hat in the ring, saying this is where I am, this is who I am, and I’m trying to use whatever resources I have to bring other people to the table, as well. How has it felt to talk about these experiences and feelings?

“Relieving, I think. Even accepting that there was something I was dealing with and saying it out loud to myself was a relief. Saying it to someone else is a continuation of that. Yeah, it feels good. I think it may have to do with being a little older, seeing it more prevalent in society, and having this horrible thing happen in my life with Annabelle, the fear of being judged for putting this stuff out has kind of fallen by the wayside. It’s become more important to me to get my authentic self out there. I feel relieved and sort of excited about it. It feels like it’s a first step to a new journey to accept this stuff and put it out there. It feels good.”

Nice. Thank you.

“I appreciate your giving me the opportunity too, because we kind of know each other, but not super well, right? So, it’s sort of like the stranger-on-the-airplane effect going on here where I probably wouldn’t have this conversation with a good friend of mine just yet, but with someone who I kind of know and trust, based on just vibes alone. It was a lot easier to get it all out than with someone where maybe the stakes were higher. I don’t get the impression that you’re particularly judgmental, but even if you are and you never want to talk to me again, no offense, it doesn’t really matter because we’re not great friends. It’s a little easier.”

What did make you feel safe in doing this?

“I think it was the fact that you’re so open on social media about your stuff, which is good because it goes back to our conversation about people being more apt to being vulnerable when someone else is being vulnerable. I know that you kind of shamelessly put yourself out there. Maybe people do judge you, but it seems like you’ve accepted that and dealt with it in your own way. I thought ‘Man, he’s putting his own shit out there, so why would he judge me for telling him my shit?’ I think you’re a good front man for this project. You have that outward persona of openness and vulnerability in sharing. I’m sure a lot of people who you’ve talked to felt comfortable with you for that reason. If you had a guarded personality yourself, I think it would be a lot harder.

I agree. Thanks.

“Thank you, man.”

#grief #recovery #depression #mentalhealth #vulerability #courage #connection #heartsofstrangers

[heartsofstrangers]

(Hearts of Strangers)

#SoundCloud #music #Hearts of Strangers #addiction #crystalmeth #grief #connection

[heartsofstrangers]

What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

“One of the most challenging experiences of my life has been becoming a quadriplegic. A quadriplegic is a person who can’t move all four limbs. The hardest thing about being a quadriplegic isn’t the physical paralysis; it’s the mental paralysis that comes with it. Since I was young, I’ve had anxiety and depression, which have worsened since my car accident and becoming a quadriplegic. The reason it’s so hard is because (I was 23 when I first got in the car accident) I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life. One of the hardest challenges has been finding my life’s purpose, which is even harder when you’re anxious, depressed, not wanting to live, and trying to come up with ways to kill yourself, which is impossible when you can’t move your arms or neck. The other hard part is finding the motivation. Depression kind of saps you of motivation to do anything. I’m intelligent enough to know that there’s a different life I want to live. I could daydream about it and see it, but I couldn’t reach it. It took me about fifteen years to battle this. I’m a late learner, but I finally got through it, and I’m still getting through it. What I did to get through this challenge—I met with a therapist, I got on an antidepressant, and started to do some real mental health work. Right now, my life is looking a lot different than when I first got injured and in the middle of my injury.”

You talked a little bit about having anxiety before the car accident happened. Tell me a little bit about that? What was causing the anxiety?

“I first realized I was having anxiety when I was with my friends. I wouldn’t feel comfortable in large groups of people. I felt awkward, so I knew something was different about me. I judged my insides by people’s outsides. I also realized I was much less happy than my friends. I think, when I was younger, I was depressed; I just didn’t know it. This was all around the time I was 13 or 14 years old. Around this time, I discovered alcohol—it was a great numbing agent. I would drink myself into blackout states and that would be okay with me. I’d have fun in the beginning of the drink, but then I was a mess. The older I got, I discovered drugs. Basically, I was a garbage pail kid—anything I could get my hands on, I would do. I was doing that to fight the anxiety and depression.

“This came to a head when I was 17 and my mom died. I was in shock for months. She was in a coma for a week from an asthma attack and we had to make the decision to take her off life support. As a young man, 17 years old, I really didn’t have the tools to deal with losing my mother. My father didn't have the tools either. He came from that 1950’s era of men are silent, we shove our feelings inside. So that’s what I did, except they kept trying to come out and, luckily, I discovered drugs and alcohol, and that kept me comfortable and numb. I continued to battle the depression, anxiety, and the loss of my mother  with alcohol and drugs until that came to another head. I became homeless and was living in a shelter. I got kicked out of the shelter. I was sleeping in my car, wherever I could find a place. Luckily, I had a car.

“As more time passed by, I began feeling helpless, and friends turned away from me because I was a mess. My parents were doing the tough love thing. I wasn’t allowed at the house. None of that seemed to help. So, one day I decided I was going to kill myself. Luckily, I’m still here. I was 21 at the time. From there, my story changes. I decided to get help. I went to therapy and I discovered the root of my anxiety and depression. I went to AA and NA meetings. I was sober for two years and, when I was 23, that’s when the car accident happened.”

You had already decided that you were going to turn your life around and start to deal with some of these underlying wounds, and you get hit with something else?

“Yes. I said a big fuck you to God … How could you do this to me now? That was hard to deal with, especially because when I was first brought to the hospital, they intubated me. I put my head to the side, closed my eyes, and stuck out my tongue. I was trying to tell them ‘just kill me, just let me die.’ The pain was the worst I had ever felt; I was so uncomfortable. I had a lot happen to me in a small period of time, and I had just started to deal with that. After I got home from the hospital and rehab, I reverted right back to being anxious and depressed. I was seeing a therapist, but I was purely keeping my issues topical. How do you prepare for a life in a wheelchair? Society tells you what a man is supposed to be and here I am, feeling like an adult baby. Being home was difficult.”

Tell me about the day of the accident, if you don’t mind.

“On May 21, 2003, I was making a mix CD using Napster or Lyme Wire, and I was late for work (I remember that). I got on I-95 going South, traffic was stopped ahead of me, I slowed down, I checked myself out in the rear-view mirror, and I happen to see a tractor-trailer approaching that wasn’t going to stop. Quickly, through my head, I said ‘just open the door and jump out,’ but there was so little time. So I just braced myself upon the steering wheel and waited for the impact. The impact came, it was the loudest noise I ever heard. The tractor-trailer behind me pushed my Volkswagen Golf into a tractor-trailer ahead of me. When the rescue workers got there, they couldn’t see my car. They just saw two tractor-trailers touching. While I was in the Volkswagen, I was knocked unconscious (I don’t know for how long). When I woke up, I saw a drop of blood on my right arm, and I couldn’t move my right arm, so I thought to myself ‘okay, my arm must have been amputated during the crash. If that’s the worst that happened, I can live with that.' I tried to move, but I couldn’t. I figured it was because the dashboard was on top of my legs so, in my head, paralysis was not an option, it wasn’t a thought. I didn’t know about paralysis. Paramedics and firefighters arrived and the last thing I did with my left hand was squeeze the firefighter’s hand to let him know I was alive. Those guys were great, I still keep in touch with them, and they saved my life.”

From there, you were brought to the hospital. Did you recognize that you were worse off than you initially thought you were?

“Yes. I started to do a kind of self-diagnosis—like why can’t I move? Then, they started to ask me ‘can I feel this?’ ‘Can you feel me pressing on your leg?’ ‘Can you feel me pressing on your stomach?’ I kept saying no and started to freak out, yelling at the nurses ‘why can’t I feel? what’s going on?' Nobody was saying anything. About this time, my family arrived. I don’t believe in God, but, before the tractor-trailer hit me, I prayed to my mom to protect me. The first thing I said to my stepmother, Jane, was that my mom is here on my shoulder. I don’t know if it’s a coincidence, if I’m looking for meaning, but it means a lot to me.”

You’re recognizing in the hospital that you’re in bad shape, you’re in a lot of pain, your family’s there, you’re trying to signal through your facial expressions ‘just cut me loose,’ that doesn’t happen, clearly, you make it through rehab, you get home, and you’re still in a dark spot. You’re suffering with depression, your anxiety has returned, and you’re feeling suicidal again. Are you self-medicating, as well?

“No, I wasn’t able to self-medicate because I can’t grab pills. So that was rough, but I was slowly dealing with it. After two and a half years of living home, I told Jane that I had to move out, I had to be on my own. So, I moved to a place in Farmville called New Horizons, it’s an assisted living facility, and I lived there for a year. I learned how to live on my own, which I never thought that someone who is paralyzed can do. I found my girlfriend there, fiancée actually. So, it was a good place for me. After that, I moved into a condo and I lived there for a couple of years. I broke up with my fiancée. We had a house built in Bristol for her, her son, and me. I decided to move to Bristol so I wouldn’t waste this gorgeous house that I built, and I lived there for about eight years. The whole time I mostly isolated myself. I wouldn’t go to family dinners or get-togethers, but sometimes, I would; it was up and down. Now, I know it was depression. When I lived in Bristol, I can remember opening pill bottles with my teeth to take, so I would self-medicate, but it was hard to do. Most of the time, I would drop them and get more pissed.

“My story picks up again in August 2017. I went to the hospital because I felt like I couldn’t breathe. They put me on a regular hospital floor, which means that there are two nurses for too many patients and one aide for all of the patients. I’m a quadriplegic so I need lots of help. I wasn’t doing well on the floor. They weren’t listening to my complaints about not being able to breathe. Long story short, it ends up that my lungs were completely plugged with mucus from top to bottom. They do a bronchoscopy and give me a trach (which is a tracheostomy). They give this to me because my diaphragm wasn’t working the way it was supposed to be and I needed another airway. I had the tracheostomy to clear my secretions and to give me an open airway. Having a tracheostomy means that I require 24-hour care, so there’s always someone with me. This is a big change after living on my own.

“This time when I got out of the hospital, I went home and started passing out. One time, I actually coded and my step-mom brought me back. It turns out that I was bradycardic, which means I had a low heart rate. So, now I have a pacemaker. It was at this time that I met my therapist, Kerry, and my life started to change. There’s something about her that invited me in to talk about myself. I opened up and we got down to business right away. Like I said, I’m a late bloomer, I’m 39 years old. It took me all this while to figure some stuff out. With the help of medicine, therapy, a lot of hard work, and gratitude, I’m in a much better place today.”

I imagine that it would be pretty easy to remain in a negative space and to feel sorry for yourself and be upset with the circumstances, yet, somehow, you’ve found the will to live, you found space for gratitude, you found an opening in terms of  an awareness to look at yourself and to open yourself up in therapy, which I think is probably a huge difference from where you were prior to the accident because you talked about just skimming along the surface, very topically. Tell me about how you got to those places of transformation, gratitude, and the willingness to dive in a little deeper.

“I’ve always been introspective. When I lie in bed at night, my brain does not stop; I’m constantly thinking about my interactions with people and how I feel. I’m constantly criticizing the way I think or act. I’m very hard on myself. With that being said, I’ve always been aware of what was going on. I just had it shoved deep inside me. The first thing we did was start a gratitude list, which I try to do in the morning when I wake up, just in my head, a couple of things I’m thankful for, sit and stew in it. It’s a good start to the day.”

Does that often lead you to think of more than two or three things to be grateful for?

“Oh, yes, no doubt; it starts a steamroll effect.”

I find that practice to be beneficial in my own life, as well, because it’s really easy to get stuck in how we want things to be, to get angry that they’re not the way we want them to be, and to forget all the many blessings we have before us. That can kind of change your mind set in an instant.

“That’s what I’m kind of struggling with reverting back to that negative place and staying in a positive place. Like I said, I’m a late learner, but I just learned the difference between personality and attitude.”

What’s the difference?

“Personality is what you’re given.  Attitude is what you make.”

How has your life changed since you described this anxious kid … Were you living on your own at the time of the accident?

“I was living at home.”

So, you were living at home and you had started to develop a sense that you wanted to live a different way. You were on your way to work and, in a split second, your whole life changed and you were launched into a completely different trajectory. You spiraled back into depression and anxiety and had a sense of wanting to numb out and escape the way you were feeling. You find yourself back in that dark space. You move onto a living situation where you’re more independent and you find a love interest … you didn’t really get into the relationship, but you decide to part ways?

“We did.”

You move into this house that you had built. Through some other health issues, you then come to a space where you need 24-hour care. So, you went from a sense of independence to needing 24-hour company and care. You described yourself earlier as struggling with being an adult baby. I’m sure that played into what was going on in your mind, as well as criticizing and beating yourself up and then you get into therapy with a therapist who it sounds like has been life changing. At some point, it seems like you gained a sense of will to live and to keep moving along. What changed?

“The will to live is the story of my life since the accident. I’m driven by seeking out answers to questions that are known to all humans. What does it all mean?  Why am I here? What comes next? What’s my purpose? All those questions kept me going, even through the darkest times. I just knew there had to be something different. I knew it was a choice. “

Why do you think you’re here? What do you think your purpose is?

“What I’m doing now is trying to inspire people through my artwork and through my writing. I try to put down on paper something that someone else can read and relate to if they’re going through a dark time, a happy time, no matter what it is.”

Has that been therapeutic for you?

“Yes, very cathartic. The art and painting has been the most cathartic.”

Were you writing and painting prior to the accident?

“I was writing, but never painting before.”

Tell me about how you got into painting.

“While at Gaylord, I remember seeing a video of a gentleman painting with a paintbrush in his mouth. I knew I could do it, so I started to do it, and I could. On April 7, 2019,  I had my first art show.”

That’s amazing. How does it feel to be able to create art and writings that people can connect to?

“The praise I got from the art show totally blew my mind.”

It sounds like through this process of having something taken away from you, you’ve also gained something simultaneously.

“Yeah. I don’t think my life would be on the trajectory it’s on now if the accident hadn’t happened.”

That’s interesting because I think a lot of people look at life as a straight road or path. They kind of set milestones for themselves and think this one thing is going to lead to the next and we often get frustrated with the challenges and obstacles that arise in our lives. But, often, in hindsight, we can see that had it not been for that challenge or obstacle, it wouldn’t have led us to the thing that we’re extremely grateful for that’s allowed us to reach a higher sense of self or purpose in our lives, and it sounds like that’s been your experience.

“I would agree with that.”

What sort of coping skills have you used to get through these hard times in your life?

“Right now what I do, especially when I’m anxious, I put all of my anxieties in a sort of mental hot air balloon and I let the hot air balloon go into the sky.”

So, you envision it?

“Yes, I envision it, or I’ll start counting, saying random numbers, because your brain can’t process the anxiety and do something else at the same time. So, you trick it with doing long division or something.”

So, you give it another task to do besides worry?

“I do.”

That helps to derail it from the process of getting stressed and anxious.

“I paint. Even when I don’t want to, I do it. There’s just something about it … I feel more alive when I’m creating.”

I feel you on that and I think that’s probably true for a lot of artists. It’s not necessarily about what they’re trying to paint, the audience that they’re trying to connect with, or whether or not this is going to be a masterpiece in a museum someday, but it’s about the act of being so present in that moment where you’re connected with creation. When you think about what your beliefs around God are, that’s the energy of creation, that’s transformation. When you’re tapped into a space of vulnerability where you’re moving something from your internal space to your external space, that’s the source right there, right?  I could see how that could be really cathartic and a moment where you’re not attached to thinking about the future and stressing about it or ruminating over the past. You’re just there in that moment.

“You said it perfectly.”

Thank you.  What is it that you hope people will learn from your story and your experiences?

“That there’s a reason to go on. You have to make the reason, which is hard, but there’s a reason.”

It probably entails having to change the story you tell yourself.

“Exactly.”

What was the story you were telling yourself when you were in the negative space?

“I’m not good enough ... I’m worthless ... I can’t do anything ...  Who’s going to love me? I want to die—things like that.”

And what did you spin that around to?

“I spun that around to I survived a suicide attempt. I survived a car accident. I survived coding multiple times. I survived another car accident. There’s a reason for me to be here.”

You’ve been in two car accidents?

“Yeah. One that brought me into the wheelchair, and one I somehow narrowly escaped from.”

Wow! Were you in a vehicle at the time or were you a pedestrian?

“I was in Vermont and I took a turn down a hill. I fishtailed and tried to go with the turn, but I was so nervous, I probably jerked the wheel, spun around, flipped the car over, and skidded down the hill on the hood of my car. Luckily, no cars were coming and I survived. I jumped out of the car and nothing was wrong with me.”

Wow! What more confirmation do you need in your life to prove that you’re supposed to be here?

“Everyone around me, before I got to this point, telling me exactly what you just said. I didn’t believe it. But I do believe it now.”

What have you learned about yourself through this process?

“I learned that I’m incredibly strong, sensitive, and determined. I’d say those are three good qualities I learned.”

If you don’t mind, I’d like to ask you about your relationships. I think for many people who have some sort of disability or have been through some sort of struggle that has broken them down emotionally, or even, physically in some way, they see themselves as unlovable. They feel like they’re incapable of being loved and often don’t even love themselves. So, for you, it sounds like within a few years of getting rehabilitated and becoming independent, you were able to open yourself up to a loving, romantic relationship. Tell me about that, if you don’t mind.

“When we met, it was amazing. We had so much in common. We went everywhere. I didn’t feel encumbered by my wheelchair. Our relationship was no different than people who are able bodied. The problem was, as time went on, I was kind of just putting my best foot forward and my depression and anxiety came out and she couldn’t live with someone like that.”

In opening your heart up to her, it also kind of unleashed some of your insecurities?

“At the time, I didn’t love myself; maybe a little on good days. I barely liked myself, I’d go as far to say.”

There's some truth to that cliché statement “You can’t love somebody else, until you actually love yourself.” What was the process of learning to love yourself like?

“Like I said, in the morning gratitude is big. If I can find gratitude, I can find something to love … I can love myself. I went back into my childhood and told the child that it was okay, he’s worthy of love. I told the teenager, who was searching, to end the pain in his life. I told him the pain will go away. I told the quadriplegic me, that it will get better.”

It sounds like you’ve done some powerful work in therapy.

“Yes, I have, and I’m proud of it.”

You should be. Many people find themselves in therapy because they’re forced into it. They’re going because they think they should, but they’re not actually being honest with themselves. If you’re not willing to be honest with yourself, there’s not a lot of work you can do besides just tell the therapist what you think they want to hear. I did that for a number of years myself and didn’t get anything out of therapy. It kind of made me a little biased against therapy, thinking, “Oh, what good can come out of talking about your problems?”, and later realized I wasn’t really bringing to the table the roots of any of my issues I was suffering from in my life. It wasn’t until I started doing that, that things began to change. Maybe you can speak to this. Was it a comfortable process?

“No, it wasn't a comfortable process. I just spoke with my therapist yesterday and we went over what you and I would talk about today, and that was very uncomfortable. To go back into the past—it brings up all those feelings.”

What do you do when you have an intense, really uncomfortable, even painful session with your therapist? How do you move back into a space that is comfortable and safe?

“I’ll change the subject right away. She’ll laugh and say ‘I could tell you were getting to this point.’ Then, we just talk and I’m myself again.”

You kind of test the limits of how far you can go. When you realize you’ve come up against a barrier or space that is too painful or too uncomfortable, you just back it up a few feet, and then you move from that space?

”Right, and the great thing is that, after about ten minutes, it will be in my mind, and I’ll mull it over, bring it up again, and get past that point.”

I think that’s a beautiful metaphor and technique for any sort of challenge or obstacle in life—keep trying. If you meet an obstacle you can’t overcome the first time, take a break, recollect yourself, and try again. Eventually, you overcome it and move past it and, on the other side, there’s more open space, more opportunity for growth. I think a lot of times, our lives can become smaller, more isolated, and more miserable when we let fear define the space we operate in. We don’t challenge the fear because it feels terrible; it’s really uncomfortable.

“That’s what I’m working on now. I tend to isolate myself, which is fear of going outside the house. So, I’ve been going out to paint and run errands, anything to get out of the house. Just trying to flip the script. Trying to get out of my comfort zone.”

I imagine if you built your house, you were able to adjust it to your needs. So, tell me about going into public, some of the challenges that you’ve encountered.

”Me feeling uncomfortable … Are people looking at me? They’re staring. That kind of stuff. Sometimes it brings me down. Basically, aside from a sidewalk not having a proper lip, there aren't many challenges.”

Nothing you can’t overcome, having been through what you’ve been through already?

“Yeah.”

It’s probably given you quite a sense of strength and resilience, all of the different moments in your life where you were pushed to the brink of either giving up or even death, and yet still coming out on the other side, willing to show up to life and whatever that moment presented to you.

“I don’t want it to sound all peaches, because I still think about death. I think about how I would end my life when I’m having bad days. I know how I would do it, but I don’t want to, but I still have those days, and that’s why it’s a work in process.”

When you have those bad days, what tools do you utilize?

“I’ll call my therapist or somebody in my family. Sometimes, I sit and stew in it because I’m used to the comfort I used to get from that. What else do I do? I’ll try to do something different, I’ll do an activity, even if it’s just going on the computer.”

In twelve-step programs, they say move a muscle, change a thought. It seems really simple, like oh that’s not a substantial thing, that wouldn’t make a difference, but it really does seem to make a difference. Whether it’s picking up a phone and calling somebody, washing dishes, or just moving your feet a few paces, it can be enough to change your thinking.

“Twelve-step programs have some of the best sayings.

Yeah, right; they’re full of slogans.  Do you still go to meetings?

“No, I don’t.”

Where do you find support?

“Right now I’m looking to join a support group for that reason.”

Yeah, certainly there are people who have had similar experiences.

“There are people I can learn from and there are people who can learn from me.”

Where do you see yourself and what do you see yourself doing with these experiences, in the sense of wanting to share your story and inspire others?

“Right now, I’m trying to sell my artwork and I want to publish my poetry.”

Tell me about the writing process. It seems like you don’t have use of your hands. So, how do you write?

“I use Dragon to dictate. I do miss writing. I loved the art of writing and penmanship.”

It’s incredible that you’ve found ways, with limitations, to connect your mind with your heart, and then share it with the world around you. That’s inspiring.

“I called my art show ‘A Work of Heart.'”

A Work of Heart?  I love that.

”Except I looked on line and somebody has a workshop with that name, so I can’t use that. I made tee shirts and everything.”

Did you?  That’s great. I know when we were leading up to this interview, walking to the park today, you had expressed that you had some nerves around sharing your story and you had processed this a little bit in your therapy session leading up to this. Having made it through most of the interview now, how are you feeling?

“Pretty good.  Much less nervous.”

Good. I may have asked you this already, but what advice would you give somebody who is struggling, is in a dark place, or is processing some grief in their lives … what sort of hope or inspiration would you offer them?

“I’m the worst at giving advice.”

Think about it in terms of yourself.

“I would want someone to tell me that it gets better. I would want someone to hold me until I cry, because that’s something I don’t do enough of.”

Yeah, that got me. Wow.

“I just want people to know that it gets better and, if they’re at that point, please don’t end your life, because there’s a reason you’re here.”

Right on. We don’t often know what the reason is, but it is revealed to us through time.

“You have to believe.”

How has it felt to share your experiences, thoughts, and feelings with me today?

“It’s great because it reminds me of what I want to do.”

Is there a quote, a piece of advice, a song lyric that resonates with you that you’d like to share?

“Once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places, if you look at it right.”

What does that mean to you?

“It’s half my life. I’ve been through all of these downs and darkness, but all the while, if I looked, there could have been light. It also means that it wasn’t until I reached those low points that I came to know myself.”

It was part of the process?

“Yes. The work starts at the bottom.”

I like to think of that in terms of nature. Often, when we’re growing something, we have to bury a seed in the darkness of the soil, even with the manure, the shit (the shitty experiences)—and it takes that—a little bit of rain, some sun, and a lot of pressure and pain. The seed experiences pain in order to burst out of the shell and come up through the dirt to find the light. I think that’s true in our own lives as well, as human beings. It takes that darkness, pressure, and transformation to give us the strength and the resilience to move through whatever dirt stands in our way to reach towards the light.

”That’s a good analogy. I have a lotus tattoo and they grow in mud. So, this beautiful flower emerges from mud. I think it goes back into the mud at night and re-emerges the next day. I find that significant.”

You can’t have one without the other. They need each other. It sounds like you’ve learned a lot from your darkness.

Matt:  Still learning. It’s great that I do all this work by myself with my therapist but, without expressing it to the world, what good is it? Sharing my story with you helps me to see where I’m at today.”

It helps you sow more seeds.

“Yes.”

I realized that too in therapy, which is why these interviews have a very therapy-like style to them. If what we talk about in therapy, and how we open our hearts, and bring more awareness and insight to the pain and wounds in our lives and how to heal, stays behind the doors and walls of an office and never extends beyond that into our relationships, our community, and the people we interact with on a daily basis, what good is it? I think the greatest impact we have is to share who we are and what we’re going through with each other; that’s how we learn. You clearly recognize that and you have the courage to do that, because it does take courage.

“Just the other day, I made myself vulnerable when I told a woman how I felt about her. That was huge.”

I think without being vulnerable, we can’t access the very things that we long for … the joy, gratitude, pleasure, connection, and love.

“And the great part was that it didn’t go as I expected. So, now I’m dealing with rejection, and that’s okay. Because I made myself vulnerable, and that was a big step for me.”

If we were all to give up after feeling that first sting of rejection, we would miss out on so much. Eventually, through 10 no’s and go fuck yourself’s, someone says yes and we would never get to that place if we gave up. Thank you, Matt, for sharing your story.

“Thank you, Corey, for letting me share my story.”

#disabled #handicap #resilience #mentalhealth #courage #faith #art #adapting #gratitude

[heartsofstrangers]

What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

“The molestation of my son when he was 11 years old; I miss him being a part of my life. It was tearing me apart, spiritually within, and I started using drugs even harder. Because there was so much other stuff that I was going through, but that was the bottom that drew me deeper and deeper into hell. The thought of someone having sex with my son and I couldn’t stop it—it was mind boggling. It was all I could ever think of and I would smoke, smoke, and smoke to stay up because I was afraid to go to sleep. That was the most destructive thing in my life, and he’s not in my life now. I used to try to talk to him about it, but he still says that it didn’t happen, so I leave it alone. He’s grown now. He liked the man and liked what he was doing to him. That’s his journey. That’s his purpose. For a long time, I blamed myself because I wasn’t there. He was the child I protected. When he was a baby, I always felt somebody was going to do something to him. I always had him with me because I always felt somebody was going to hurt him. I don’t know why I had that feeling. I carried him forever. People would say, ‘When you going to put that boy down and let him walk?’ I protected him, not knowing why.

“When it happened, I went to the school because I was so depressed I couldn’t work. Being on the State, with food stamps and all of that stuff, I was embarrassed because I was raised that you don’t get on relief, you don���t get on the State, you work for what you get. If there’s something you want and you can’t afford it, it’s not meant for you to have; that’s how I was raised. Be independent and self-sufficient. After I got hurt on the job, I came here and ended up on the State with my children. I was so tired of getting a check twice a month up here. I just wanted to get a job, but people up here would say, ‘Girl, you want to get a job?’ When I called DCF when what happened with my son, they said, ‘You must be crazy. You’re going to get your check cut,’ and I said, ‘My check? I don’t care about the check.’ I wanted to help my son and I wanted to get a job. Knowing what my son was going through, I brought him to Clifford Beers; I went right on the bicycle to Clifford Beers. I feel like I put money in front of my son by getting a job and nobody would help me.

“I was getting ready to go to work—I went to school, and the lady who watched Musadi would come there. I went to school on the Boulevard at night, and I came home one night and they had been there. He had had sex with Musadi and he had sex with Leanne, and he was really, really upset because the man gave Pam his money, and she was going give him $20, and he said she didn’t give him his $20 and he wanted his $20. I thought they just sold my son. I was just so afraid—I could have called the police and told on her. Fear is something. Fear is something, you know. I just miss him.”

Who is Pam?

“She was a lady who lived on Beer Street. She was a dealer. I didn’t know she was into that, her and her husband. Then I found out that they called her husband ‘Black,’ his real name was John, and it turned out that he was the one. I blamed myself for years. I trusted people, but I learned that you have to be careful; sometimes, nice people are perverts. The nicest people to you and you trust them with your child. That’s why you have to be careful, but then they put so much fear in the child and that’s why it took him so long to tell me. They put fear in my son and told him that if he told anyone, they were going to kill his whole family (mother, sister, niece, brother). They said, ‘I’ll kill your whole family.’ That’s why he didn’t tell and held it in for so long; fear that he would hurt us. But I didn’t believe he was going to hurt us because I was so close to Almighty, I knew that he lived inside of me; he’s not a person that lived in me, but the spirit that was in me. Even though fear was there, the doubt just didn’t go off. Are you going to be smoking crack all of your life? If you don’t stop smoking crack, you’re going to die. Wow! This is taking me so many places.”

At this point, you’re sharing that you’re not making enough money through the support of the State to support your child, so you’re going to school, or you’re working, which is taking you away from him?

“I was going to school and was getting ready to get a job working with an agency on Sherman Avenue. It was too much stress on me and I wanted to go to a program. I had called DCF, but they didn’t help me get into a program; they just left me. I sent my son down South to his grandfather and his father and Talama got an apartment for her and Annetta. James went at first because his father came and got him.”

Those are your other children?

“Yes. James is my oldest son. His grandmother brought his father up here and they took him South. Musadi’s father is from the South too, but he was never in his life. He would be in his life when nobody was around. It used to bother him because one day he asked me, ‘When people are around, why does my daddy act like he doesn’t know me?’ But, when he went to the park by where we lived, right across from my back door, Stacey would come and teach him how to box, but he doesn’t say anything to me when people are around, because he was married. He wanted me to name him one thing, but I wanted to name him Clive, a strong name, because he was my last son. He said he wanted me to name him Jamar Musadi, and I told him, ‘Nope. This is my last child, and I’m going to name him a family name.’ He said, ‘If you name my son Clive, I’m never going to own him,’ and he never did. That’s what Musadi was looking for—a father. He knew his mother loved him. I always just wanted a man role, but I always made wrong choices. I felt like I neglected him. I wanted a better life, that’s how I was raised. Even now, I’m happy and feel good, I have medical coverage and stuff. Plus I worked so hard, and I liked what I did. I have lots of skills. I paid the Federal and the State. All that money that they gave me, I want to give back. I just want to be able to look at what happened with my children. I’m realizing now that I had nothing to do with it. I’m at the point now that I don’t blame myself because one day he told me that wasn’t the first time that happened. He told me that when we lived down South, somebody molested him there too. He never told me who it was, and I always wondered. Wow. When we moved up here, he was in the third grade; it was already happening.”

When did you find out that it was happening? How did you find out?

“He was eleven. I would get so angry. I knew something was wrong because he would go outside, he would go outside, and then go back and forth, back and forth to the bathroom, making pooh all the time. I would smell it and was wondering why would it be smelling like that. I had a friend named Willie, and we were real tight; he was gay and worked for the bank. We were real good friends. Being that I got to know him, it was helping me a little bit, out there in the front because I couldn’t change my son. Trying to find acceptance—that’s his life. Sometimes I wanted to know more about it so him and his friend would come over. They would do their thing, that’s how I found out what the smell was. I would be getting high and they would be on the other side of the room, walking around the house, and that’s how I got used to the smell. And then Musadi would be in the house, and I would say ‘Willie’s not here.’ Ask me something else.”

Through your relationship with your friend, Willie, you were able to recognize some of the signs that your son was engaging in some of the behavior.

“Yes. The person who lived down the street would come home and would have cakes, he always liked cakes. That’s how he got him, he would always buy him cakes, and then he would come in the house and I would ask him where he got the cake from, and he would tell me that somebody bought it for him, and I would tell him, ‘I told you about taking stuff from people. We have stuff here,’ and he would say, ‘I like this.’ That’s how he lured him.

“When we moved up here and, like I said, I wasn’t working and it was always me and Musadi. When I did start using drugs, my son didn’t get the attention that he always got from me. He wasn’t getting it anymore, and I know my baby was kind of lost. He wasn’t getting it anymore, and somebody else got his attention. I don’t know how that happened down South because he was always with me. He didn’t go to a babysitter when we were down South. It’s something I’m going to figure out. When we moved up here, our whole lives changed. I already had a bunch of anger with me; a family had stolen our inheritance. I already had a bunch of anger in me. I got so cold. I really had lost me.”

Had you already been using drugs when you moved here?

“Not really; but when I got hurt, the doctor was helping me. Someone came to my house and I was in so much pain, my head was busted, they would give me Xanax and all that stuff. I was sleeping all the time, and someone said, ‘Try this.’ I knew that cocaine was for pain. I learned that in high school. One of my friend’s parents were doctors, and I knew that they used it for pain. To me, cocaine was a good thing. I remember when I was in high school, I would get powder and I would take four blows, three times a day, so that I could cook, lift pots and stuff, go wash clothes and take the boys to the park. It would numb the pain, but then when I got up here, I didn’t trust people and didn’t want to get high with people, so I had a friend of mine come up here and we tried the freebase. I wanted to help people, but how can you help somebody when you know nothing about it? He came up here and I got high for seven days, and we got some crack. I was going to quit after seven days, but that doesn’t work. Then I learned that the pain goes away really quick with crack.

“Whenever I would go to a program, come back and be clean, all that excruciating pain would come back. I never was into pain-killers so I would go back to smoking crack. I got so far out there, not knowing who the person was doing it to my son. I wanted to kill everybody, I really did. Every time he would tell me somebody, and then he would say it’s not them. There was one guy, he was working, and he would always come by on Thursday, and Musadi said that it was him. My plan was, he would come over on Thursday and he always put a big lug on his pipe, he would stand up, and he would be outside of himself, his spirit wouldn’t even be in his body. So, that day, I was planning on him taking a big hit and my boys had a bat behind the door. My goal was when he took that big giant hit, I’d snatch the bat, hit his knees, and when he was down on his knees, I would beat him in the head. I had planned that out. When he grabbed his head and fell on the floor, I would beat his dick up. That’s how angry I was.

“However, that night I got set up. Somebody called. I wasn’t supposed to be going anywhere that night. A girl came to my house. I had told her not to come to my house at night, as I was meditating and I didn’t want to see anybody. She came with a guy, and she knew I didn’t play that, I didn’t want anybody bringing strangers to my house, and then she wanted a beer, but she didn’t want to go down to the after-hours spot. She was always prostituting and I didn’t prostitute back then, I hadn’t gotten to that point. She said she wanted a beer, wanted something to drink. I told her that I wasn’t going to the after-hours spot because I had my pajamas on. Then the guy asked me for $20, and I told him I didn’t want to smoke that night. You can get two for me and she said, ‘Come on, Mom,’ and I told her not to come to my house. And then after I was putting my coat on over my pajamas, a thought hit me, wear a coat, because I knew that something was going to happen. I put on a leather coat with fur around the collar; I had never worn that coat in New Haven and I wore that particular coat to the after-hours spot. When I was walking down Edgewood Avenue, I saw a police car in front of me, with the lights blinking. I was thinking that I didn’t do anything and I walked past them. I would always say hi, and they never bothered me. When I walked past him, he snatched me and threw me on the car, on the back door. I knew I hadn’t done anything so I elbowed him and asked why he was doing this to me and he told me to get in the car. I thought to myself that something must have gone wrong, maybe he’s protecting me. I got in the car and he asked what my name was.

“I remembered that my boyfriend used to go to Stop & Shop a lot and would come home with lots of meats, and I wondered how he was getting all this meat. He made me go with him one day, and he was throwing all this meat in the buggy. I asked him how he was getting all of that and he told me not to worry about it. I got mad because he was always bringing it home and the boys and I wouldn’t eat it. I was pissed off in that store, but if I left, he would beat me up. I was walking around the store, thinking that my boys needed batteries for their cars. I had no money and I don’t know what possessed me to get them some batteries and popcorn. I said to myself ‘I’m getting out of here,’ and, as I was getting out of the store, the security guard came up to me and said, ‘Excuse me, Miss, will you come upstairs?’ When he took me upstairs, there was JJ; he had stolen all of those meats. The lady said to me that she could tell that I didn’t know how to steal because I was right in the camera. She asked me what I had and I said that I took some batteries for my boys and some popcorn. That’s exactly what I had in my pocketbook. I said that I was really sorry, but she had already called the police. She said that she could see that I was getting things for my boys. Then they came and I started freaking out because I was in Stop & Shop and all the people were at the cash registers. The police came, put me in handcuffs, took me to jail with JJ, and then they let me go and gave me a Promise to Appear. I asked them how I was going to get home and they told me to tell the Boss Man that I was coming from jail and he’d take me home. I had never done anything like this before.

“When JJ was up there, they asked him what his name was and he said Henry Birch, which was my father’s name and he was deceased. I couldn’t believe he said that and then he looked at me with that mean face and I knew that I couldn’t say anything. I was released with a Promise to Appear. When the day came that I had to go to court, JJ asked me where I was going and I told him that I had to go to court because I have a Promise to Appear and, if I don’t do, they’ll have a warrant on me. He said, ‘Oh, you don’t need to go to court.’ I said, ‘What? They’ll put a warrant on me and I’ll go to jail, you know that much.’ He said, ‘Just ignore that. You did nothing before and you’re never going to do anything.’ So I didn’t go. So, that night, when the girl wanted me to go get her something to drink and the police put me in their car and said, ‘What’s your name?’ I remembered that JJ wouldn’t let me go to court. He would have beat me up, he wouldn’t let me go anywhere. I said my name was Charlotte Birch. When the police looked it up, there was nothing under Charlotte Birch, and he told me that I could go. When I was just about to go, he opened the door to let me out, the thing must have made a sound, he got back in the car and said, ‘Your name isn’t Delores Birch, it’s Charlotte Birch.’ I didn’t really like that name so I didn’t use Delores up here. He said that he had to take me downtown, and I had my pajamas on. I asked him why he had to take me downtown and they ended up taking me to Niantic. I cried for three days because my kids didn’t have me—I was always home. The lady got Musadi again. This is taking me so many places. I guess it is what it is.

“When you have to look at something face to face, for what it really is, there might be pain behind it, but it’s understanding I can’t change it. I wouldn’t tell the lady what was going on while I was in jail because I was so worried that they were going to get my son. My blood pressure was going up and they put me in the infirmary because my blood pressure was so high they thought I could have had a stroke. I saw a counselor lady and I was crying and crying in her office, and she told me that I have to tell somebody what’s going on because I could have a stroke because my blood pressure was up to 200 already. I told her what was happening with my son and that he was eleven years old. She said ‘Miss, you’re not the only one. I don’t know what it is, but that’s the age; it didn’t just happen to you.’ She said that was the age that they get ahold of kids, that she believed me, and that she was glad that I shared it with her. After I shared it with her, I realized that I had to stop this crying. She told me that I was going to get out and would go to court on Monday; she didn’t know why I was sent there and said that I shouldn’t have been sent there, that I didn’t belong there. I went to court on Monday, the judge got mad and he wouldn’t see anybody else, and I was told that I had to go back to Niantic. I was crying and crying again. Eventually, it hit me “why are you crying so much?” You know you didn’t get sentenced, you’re not supposed to be here. They weren’t supposed to send me to Niantic. When the judge found out I was there for nineteen days, he was pissed. I wasn’t supposed to be in New Haven because the warrant was from Hamden. New Haven shouldn’t have done anything. If anything, when the warrant came up, they were supposed to call Hamden, but they took me.

“Whatever was happening, kept happening with my son. Like I said, my daughter knew the stuff. I think I forgave her, but I tried to get her to say it and she acted like this was nothing. I just don’t trust her anymore because she was a part of what was happening to Musadi. They’re real close. They’re real close.”

Were they both being molested?

“No, Joselyn wasn’t being molested. She never said anything to him, but said that she didn’t like him. I would go into the 4 C’s on Grand Avenue and sometimes I would take my granddaughter with me. That’s when I found out that Jocelyn wanted to get her own apartment, and she never did anything for her daughter. Her daughter couldn’t hug or touch her, nothing. She told me that she was going to get her own apartment; she said that when she turned twenty, people would say, ‘you’re twenty years old and still at your mother’s? You can get your own apartment; you got a little girl.’ That put juice in my daughter’s mind. I told my daughter that she could get her own apartment, but she couldn’t take Annetta with her. I told her that she didn’t do anything for her little girl and that she isn’t going to let anybody do anything to my granddaughter. You’re just not going to do it. I told her counselor that she was trying to get her own apartment and asked her to help get her an apartment at the Y for young mothers so they can bond with their kids. To this day, Jocelyn thinks she left home on her own, but me and her counselor worked something out, and then she got her own apartment. I get lost and stuff.”

It sounds like there’s a significant age difference between Musadi and Jocelyn.

“Yes. Jocelyn and James – there’s nine years, and James is two years older than Jubari. So, it’s eleven years.”

So, you’re in and out of Niantic prison at this time. It sounds like she had gotten her apartment.

“She had gotten her apartment, then she wanted to come back home, and I told her “nope, you’re not coming back home, you’re going to bond with your daughter because she calls me mommy … you can’t come back.” She was a little sassy and stuff anyway. One day I had gone to the 4 C’s and Annetta wanted to come with me. I had gotten a thought … JJ’s here so you stay here with JJ. She stayed there at the house with JJ and when I came back from the 4 C’s, my magazines that I had on the table were all torn up, every page was torn up, like she was sitting down, tearing all the pages, all over the living room floor, you could barely see the carpet. The pages were torn and thrown everywhere. I asked her if she was by herself and asked where JJ was, and she said ‘mommy was here’ and I said, ‘Your mother was here; she doesn’t even like JJ.’ She said, ‘Yes, she was in the room with JJ.’ I said, ‘Get outta here.’ I asked her what they were doing and she said that she was in the room talking with JJ. I said, ‘Oh, Annetta, your mother doesn’t even like JJ, why would she be talking to him?’ Then it dawned on me, she was only 2½ years old. I smiled at her, asked what they were saying and she said mommy was saying ow, ow and JJ was saying aah, aah. I asked her where she was sitting and she picked up her little chair, put it right in front of my bedroom door and sat in it. I said to myself this little girl is not lying.

“About two days later, I mentioned what Annetta had told me to Jocelyn. I was washing dishes, she back handed Annetta so hard that Annetta flew in the air, landed on her legs at the sink and then she jumped up, ran to her mother, and was crying, crying, crying. Annetta never told me the truth again; she lied all the time, and she doesn’t remember. She wonders why her mother acts like that because they have her thinking it’s me. I talked to Jocelyn about JJ and told her that I don’t want him. I wondered why he kept coming back here after he was locked up after beating me up, and now I know why; it ain’t for me, it’s for you. She just looked at me and I said, ‘well, what comes around goes around. You have a little girl right there too, you know – it could come right back to you like that.’ Annetta is something, but it’s okay because that’s how her mother does; Annetta doesn’t remember. Jocelyn makes her think it’s me because she loves me, and she just couldn’t figure out what was going on between me and her mother. Before she had the twins, she wanted to get us back together and said that she would take us out to dinner and said that we were going to talk. I told her, ‘honey, there’s nothing you can do, and it’s not me; I’ll tell you one thing – it’s not me.’ I can forgive what happened; what happened happened, and that’s it. She doesn’t remember what happened. If it wasn’t for her, I would have never known that.

JJ used to always tell me that Jocelyn doesn’t love me. She’s going to hurt real bad one day, he used to say that all the time. I never put two and two together and then I started having dreams of them together. I would tell JJ that I dreamed of him and Jocelyn, and then I would get beat up because I dreamt it. He would beat me up big time for saying that, but it happened.”

Where is your son in all of this?

“Musadi? He was there. Whenever Jocelyn was in the bedroom with JJ, the man with the money would be in the room with Musadi. Jocelyn knew it all the time, she knew all the time. JJ would be with Jocelyn—It was a cult thing. Jocelyn was there; I don’t know if she knew what they were doing. Whatever they call it … rituals? Yes, rituals because Musadi explained to me how they do it. Then again, she could have been right there doing the rituals, I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter. I do love her unconditionally and that’s on her path, but I miss my son and she allowed all this to be happening, and I did so much for her. I stopped my life for her. I couldn’t work anymore. I kept her daughter for her so she could go back to school. I couldn’t even pick her up because I couldn’t lift anything over five pounds. Jocelyn went to school and I wondered how I was going to do this; how could I bathe this little girl. I would put the pad thing on the bed and would do it real easy because I couldn’t use any muscles. I would rub around her and would give her oil baths. She was in a towel and I would turn her over by taking her little arms; Annetta was my weights to exercise and made my legs stronger. She loved music when she was an infant. I would put her between my legs, hold her hands and then I would do like this … I was exercising. I would stand up and I would dance with her. She loves to dance now. God blessed Annetta to be my weights because they thought I was never going walk again, never do anything; I would be bedridden forever.”

What happened to you to be in that condition?

“At the housing department, like I said, they tried everything to do me in. When I had the burning truck, they cut my brakes, and the brakes went out. We were hauling dirt one day at a dumpsite where it was real deep and you could see the tops of the trees. It was muddy that day and Dennis told me to “come on back, come on back,” but I wouldn’t watch him, I would watch my back tires. That day he said there was a woman at the dumpsite that was so deep that when she lifted her bed up, the truck fell down in the dump thing and she died. So, I always watched him because I could never trust him because he always got hurt when I worked with him. I didn’t like working with him. I had an old truck and the tailgate would fall off and there was a chain on one side so it wouldn’t fall all the way on the ground, but one side would fall off.

“This particular day it was muddy and, when I lifted my bed up, I didn’t go all the way back, even though Dennis was saying, ‘Come on back, come on back.’ I said ‘shut up’ and just threw my thing up and went back really slow. When it got all the way up, the mud got stuck in the bed so the thing flipped, but when the mud fell, it didn’t fall all the way down; it fell in the ditch. So when it fell out of the truck slowly, it fell right here so, therefore, the tires couldn’t go anywhere. If it hadn’t, my truck would have flipped over; my truck went way up in the air, and he was laughing, laughing, laughing, laughing, and said “just jump” and I was way up there and he was down there. I said ‘no that I wasn’t going to jump because my shirt might get caught on that thing; I’m not jumping down’. When I said that I wasn’t jumping down there, all of a sudden the front of the truck just came down to the ground and I got out. Dennis said that he didn’t know why women worked out here anyway and then he told me that I had to help him put the tailgate back up. I told him that I couldn’t lift the heavy tailgate of that old truck; but, then I thought about what my foreman had said. He said that you shouldn’t say what you’re not going to do because they’ll never hire any more women; what you do is pretend that you’re doing it, and then say that it’s too heavy, you can’t do it. So, that particular day, I made motions, and I had the side with the chains and was lifting like this here, but wouldn’t take my eyes off of Dennis. So, I was looking at Dennis and it was getting really heavy, so I looked real quick to see how much chain I had left and, when I did like that, he just let his end go and it whiplashed me. He was just laughing, laughing, laughing. The whole tailgate shifted on me. When it happened, I flexed like this, but I didn’t know if I was standing because I couldn’t feel my legs. I didn’t know if I was standing or my legs were broke, and it was up to here. I stood there for a while, took some breaths, and I just looked down (I didn’t want to bend yet). I looked down and saw my boots on the ground. My feet had gone into the mud. Now, if it hadn’t been muddy that day, I would have broken my back; the mud had become a cushion. He put it back on there and I went and told the foreman what Dennis had done and he asked me if I wanted to go home. I said that I didn’t, that I’d be okay, and I took it easy that day.

“After work that day, I went to the laundromat and, when I finished drying, all of a sudden, all in here just locked up and I couldn’t walk. I wondered what happened and then I had a spasm from the weight of the tailgate. I drove myself to the hospital and they gave me something for muscle spasms. Then it got worse and worse … my neck, everything, my shoulders, I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t walk. It just locked up in the nighttime. When I did go to the doctors, nobody would help me. Everybody was saying that I was really, really hurt, but they worked for The State and didn’t want to lose their job. I went to lawyers to try to help me, and nobody would help me. My husband had passed and I went down South with my oldest son. People from the Highway Department saw me, and they couldn’t believe it. They said that I would never walk again, but God helped me.

“I had gotten a lawyer, Mr. Dewitt. I was hurting so bad and I had driven all the way to Cheraw. I was crying and had to lay down. Cheraw was a good distance from Dillon. It was a black man too. He sat up in his chair and said, ‘You worked for the Highway Department? And, how many children do you have? You’re going to win this thing.’ I figured he was really going to help me. I went to go see him and the day the hearing was supposed to be, he called after I took my medicine, around 11:00 at night, and I was out. I had no phone at that time so I had to walk all the way to Lennon’s house and I answered the phone, he apologized for calling so late at night, but said that he was calling to let me know that the hearing for tomorrow had been cancelled. I was kind of glad because I was so drowsy. The next thing I know I had lost the case. I got a letter stating that I lost the case because I wasn’t there for the hearing. They had cut off my worker’s compensation and everything. They were really doing it to me, but he tricked me. He got that money and he told me that the hearing was cancelled.

“There was a lot of depression because I was played in so many different ways that I turned to crack to relieve the pain, but I got the Wellness and stuff; it has helped me so much. I’m so glad that I didn’t go to opiates because I would probably still be on opiates. Being that I met with Wellness—it’s really helping me fantastically. The stress with my son doesn’t bother me as much, but he’s just not in my life, although I haven’t stopped loving him. I know they’re still controlling him. They do, and I don’t even get into it with him, especially when he told me that day, ‘Mom, they’re never going to stop, they’re never going to stop, because they don’t want you to win.’ Sometimes I feel the way he is towards me is because of the man. He would tell me things sometimes, it would be just me and him in the house, and he would tell me different things and explain. Then, one day he came in and told me that he couldn’t tell me anything anymore because he said “he knows everything I tell you and he gets really mad.” So, he stopped telling me anything. I don’t know if the cult thing still got him or what because he changes up so much. I do know that cult stuff can happen. Through him, my son, especially he explained all the things they do … get in the mirror and call the demons; afterwards, they even had him snorting coke, and that was enough. Deep inside, I feel that’s the reason why. I still can’t believe it was him doing that that day, going to my crotch. It don’t be him. Like that lady, that teacher’s wife … she said that something’s different in my son because the voice that was coming out of him in the kitchen, while he was tearing everything up, was definitely not my son.”

That was a lady who was fostering him?

“Yes.”

You had been telling me before we started the interview, about the hand up your leg. This was your son you were talking about? You were sitting on the couch or lying down?

“I was laying down on my daughter’s bed and he came over, we were talking, and the TV was on. I was laying on my stomach and he put his hand on my leg (and I was thinking ‘this is my son – that was a love touch’). I was laying there, I guess I fell asleep, and I was thinking ‘what is he doing – how far is he going to go?’ and I knew how the thing was controlling him. I knew that was not my son doing something like that. Not to startle him, I stretched and yawned. I flew downstairs to tell Joselyn what Musadi just did, and she said “oh, mom, no he didn’t.” That’s when I realized she was in on this and thought, ‘what do they do?’”

Did you have a conversation with Musadi about what was happening to him?

“Yes, we did conversate, but he didn’t say anything. Matter of fact, he told me in the beginning it’s more like that didn’t happen. So to say what was happening, he don’t go there. To keep from arguing, I stopped talking about it.”

But when he was young, you mentioned something about having him write with a crayon?

“Yes. I had him write with a pencil about what was going on in his life and that’s when he told me that he feels like he’s in a cage, his heart is outside of the cage, he’s trying to reach to get his heart, and he can’t reach it. It’s something to wonder about. I don’t know much about cult stuff, but the little bit that my son shared with me. I told him that we’re going to the police department and they’re going to show you a book with some pictures in it, and he said I’m not going to show the picture. I told him that they would be looking for expressions that would let them know that’s the person. When I said that, my son got up, punched the kitchen wall, and made a hole it in. He said “I like him and I like what he does”. That’s when I decided he needed a check-up and I called DCF. I took him to the hospital and, when the people came out and told me what he said, I said that I can’t handle this anymore, call DCF and tell them to come get my son. When I went home, I started sweeping and cleaning up and, the next thing you know, I saw the police car pull up in front of my house. I told them the truth, this is my life, and I can’t handle it anymore. They knocked on the door, and I told them that it was open and to come on in. There was a man and a lady. They said, ‘umm …’ I said ‘yeah, I know my son, you don’t know what I’m going through and I can’t handle this anymore on my own; I just can’t do it anymore, call DCF and that’s what you need to do—I need help for my son.’ Both of them just stood there and didn’t say anything. I let them know what I was going through and no one wanted to help me. I said that I was helping my child. They said, ‘Okay, Miss,’ and they just got in their car and left.

“The police did call DCF and DCF called me and they were so proud of me. They couldn’t believe I called DCF. They said ‘I can’t believe you called us’. They said that usually when things like this happen, a neighbor calls and the parent never calls. She said “but you called us”, and I said “yes, I want to help my son, and I’m on crack, I can’t go to sleep at night because they get in here. I locked the doors, but they still get in.” Then I later found out they weren’t even locking the door.

“My landlord’s mother came over one day after that happened. She sat on the floor on the carpet (she used to live there—it was her family’s house) and asked me if my son was eleven years old, and I said yes. She said, I’ll tell you what move from this house, take your children and move. When we moved there, the boys found a Ouija board in the basement, and I told the boys to get that thing out of here. They took it and threw it in the dumpster down the street and do you know the next day, that thing was right back. I said, ‘oh God, get that thing out of here’. I told Cheryl that my boys found a Ouija board in the basement, they threw it out in the dumpster, and it came back. She looked at me and smiled. I asked her who used to play with Ouija boards and she said ‘we did when we were kids; we used to do rituals and stuff. I said, “girl, you did rituals and was calling dead people” and she said that they were just playing. I told her that was not a game, she never told me that they called people back, and I asked her if they ever sent anyone back. She said no and I told her that those spirits are still here. It was weird, and then I had to because they were doing all these things. I would pray all the time and I had my little meditations. I told her that she needed to send those people back. I didn’t want anything to do with that stuff because I’m not into that.

“All these things kept happening was happening and happening, and getting worse. I would pray, because I knew that they were there, but there was one that was black. It was so tall, you couldn’t see the head. It was like a … I don’t know, but I could picture it now. I told Cheryl because she was fixing up the second floor and she was going to move into the house. I told her that she called those spirits here and never sent them back. I told her that there was one that just wouldn’t go, that it was mad, and that it must want to see her. When I said that to her, she stood straight like a soldier and said, ‘well, I’m ready—I’m a soldier’. I looked at her and thought to myself ‘God, they really did’ and eventually I got out of the house. That stuff is not just on TV. When I see things on TV, they got that story from somewhere; it only comes on Scifi, but it happened.

“When I was in Niantic and talked to that lady and, especially after Cheryl ‘s mother came over and told me that. As a matter of act, we stayed there for three years and people on Edgewood Avenue would say that no one ever stayed there over a year and that we were the longest people who stayed there. No one had ever stayed there over a year because something would always happen to their family, but it was an experience. It may sound crazy or whatever, but hay. That’s because people don’t talk about that stuff. I did share it with my clinician and I would talk about it because I didn’t care, I wanted to talk that stuff out of me. You have to let people know and once I told it, they put that label on me. Me and my children we really, really experienced it.

“When I did go to the program and James came back, Joselyn said that Donlan and Musadi were laughing one night and that somebody had called her house and said that they had got the wrong son, who they wanted to get was James, and they were laughing and said that they were going to get him. They said that they got the wrong son, James is the one that they need to get. Joselyn was laughing and I told her that that was nothing funny.

“Things would happen to my brother here in New Haven, and I would warn James because James was an outgoing person. He would be trusting people and look what they had done to him here in New Haven, by people he thought were family. He found those people, or they found him, and they ended up setting him up, and he went to Rikers Island for five years. They were looking for us, the first people that stayed here, when Clive lived in Manhattan. On the way going back to Manhattan, at Union Station, the police came up to him and they wanted to see his ID. They looked at the ID and they said it was the right last name, but the wrong first name. Back then, Levander, he sold, I don’t know what he was selling, maybe heroin, I don’t know I was a kid, I didn’t know anything about it. I think I was in grammar school when that happened.

“When we moved up here, James must have been nine, a man came up to me and asked if James was Levander’s son, Clive’s brother. Clive always said that James looked like Levander when he was a little boy. The man said that he always thought that was Levander’s son and I told him that that was my son. I didn’t even want to go there. I’m glad that James is no longer in New Haven; I really am. James is his own person. I’m glad he finally got a job. He would come to my house and I would tell him not to leave anything in my house, no money, nothing. Because if they come in here looking for something and they find it, it’s mine, it’s in my apartment, so don’t bring anything in here. I told him that I’m in recovery now and I don’t want any of that stuff in my house. I didn’t want him to smoke weed or anything. They tried, they really tried. He couldn’t get a job here.

“James finally moved. He had gone to Stone Academy and I think he almost had a 4-point something, a high score, but he couldn’t get a job here. He wanted to get a job at Yale, but he couldn’t get a job here. He was one of the top students at Stone Academy. He was always a top student, even when he was little. He was a smart, smart kid. He did get a job, and I had told him that he was getting older and needed to pay Federal taxes. (Look at me, I worked for The State and I can’t even get my stuff.) I told him that he had to get stuff.

“Musadi had a fantastic job with disabled children. I think he worked at a group home and something Musadi did, I never forgot things, but they didn’t fire him, something he was doing at a group home. Then he messed up – he was getting somebody’s Social Security check. The people asked Musadi to put it in his bank account. Musadi was making $30.00 an hour; he was doing really, really good and had been working for them for years. He put the check in his account and they busted him. Musadi lost that job and has no job now. He’s a diabetic and doesn’t take care of himself. We talked one Thanksgiving about his father, who is a diabetic; his grandmother, my mother, and my father are all diabetic as well. It runs really, really thick on both sides.

“Musadi has no job anymore and they came and impounded his truck, and now all he has is Miss Keyes. Miss Keyes never let me see him and told me not to come around or call him. Now, a few years ago, once I got in here, she would call me and say that he has to do something because she is old now. She stopped me from doing things with my son. She wanted him to stay with Jocelyn, but Jocelyn wouldn’t do it. I don’t know what’s going to happen to my son. I got to look out for me because I know his capabilities. It ain’t fear because I know Center has me. I’m guaranteed Center has me now, but still if I was to really, really get involved, Center doesn’t want me to go there, just keep loving him unconditionally. That was his choice that he made; I believe he knows what he’s got to do. I don’t know what his plan is. I’m not concerned because I’m in a different space in life now.’

Who is Miss Keyes?

“Miss Keyes is a foster parent and she lives on Bassett Street.”

He’s still with the foster parents?

“He’s still there. A lot of kids were there and they moved on, but Musadi hasn’t. When I was talking to him a couple of Novembers ago, when we were at my sister’s for Thanksgiving, I told him that there are people he can talk to and he has to tell somebody, not just me because I’m not in the picture anymore, I’m not. I told him that he needs to tell someone what he told me. The day he told me he said that he was telling me because I’m his mother and he wasn’t telling anybody else. I let him know that there are people out there that can help him. The way things are … Look at the people in here. I pray he never comes here, but they don’t want him here. It’s just sad. When I was on the other side I prayed that he would never come through here. It’s a smoking cigarette; there’s nothing, no encouragement or anything. It’s just eat, eat, eat, you blow up. You eat to get full; it’s not about nourishment. People smoke, smoke, smoke cigarettes. People can’t even stand up—they push them out in their wheelchairs, they come back to their room, and hook them up to their oxygen tanks. I don’t want my son to come here. He’s going to end up going somewhere.”

Do you think he’s afraid to talk about what has happened to him, that he might be labeled or treated differently, or feel some pain?

“I think he’s ashamed because he knew the longest. I believe that’s what it is, despite what others may think. Even when I started taking him to Clifford Beers, eventually he didn’t want to go anymore. He said that the doctors were stupid and he didn’t tell them anything. I said that he told them what they wanted to hear, that he didn’t tell them what really happened. He’s just closed up. I pray that he does come out somewhere, but I’m not going to argue about anything, “well you said this and you said that, and then you tried to brainwash me”. It’s painful to know, that was my Bear; his middle name is Bear.

“Me and James were close too, but James always took care of everyone, he was the big brother. I always felt that someone was going to hurt Musadi. Until this day, James will say ‘you gave Musadi all the time’. James is angry, very angry. Musadi would lie on James all the time, and I would believe Musadi and James would get punished. Those things did happen, but that was then and this is now. I don’t hate nobody—those are my babies; I didn’t have to have them, but I did. There was fear, but I did, and I’ve come a long way with this.

“There was a time when I was really, really angry. People were doing all kinds of things to me, and they would let them. I remember one day I went to Walgreen’s. I used to use the vinegar and water douche, and they were on sale, Summer’s Eve, I think. I got a few of them and, when I came home, I put them in my drawer. A couple of days later, I was going to use one and I took it out of the package and it was open. Instead of it being like this here, it was backwards. It was like someone had taken it out, heated it, stuck it on, and stuck it on wrong. I asked Musadi about it. He came in the room, looked at me, and said that John was here and he had been smelling that stuff all the time and John put it in him. I said that there was something in it and asked him what it was and he said that they put something else in it. If I hadn’t noticed that it had been opened, I would have used it and didn’t even know what they had put in it. I would get really pissed with him and would spank him. I was so pissed because he was allowing people to do things. Some of things I just can’t say, but I know they did because I know how I felt when I woke up. I’m fortunate to be here—this was no joke.’

What’s been the catalyst of your recovery and healing? It sounds like you’ve experienced a lot of trauma.

“Step work, and I got a sponsor who doesn’t judge me or anything I say. Even if she doesn’t believe what I say, she doesn’t say so. I had to cleanse myself. It’s going on twelve years that I’ve had her. It would have been thirteen years, but I relapsed when I was clean for a year and two months. Through step work because I can’t say church. With step work and my higher power, Jesus Christ. I don’t look at that in a religious way. I look at it in a spiritual way, my spirituality. The power greater than myself is his holy spirit. Spirituality, not religion, because dealing with it religiously, it would take you to a whole different place. You can’t wonder about why this happened; it happened for a reason. For me, it was to learn something.

“My friend, Johnny, the one I told you about – I could just accept him. Remember, I told you about the guy that had killed him? I wanted to help this kid because I always knew he was going to be feminine from when he was a little boy. Every time I went to Josephine’s house, he always took to me, bouncy, bouncy. As he grew older, I’m the one he would come to and share stuff with. I prepared him and opened his eyes; it is what it is. I didn’t get the understanding that inside you is a female – God put the wrong person in you. I wasn’t there yet because I always thought that God didn’t make mistakes. I always felt that somewhere down the line, someone did something when he was a little infant; you don’t know. All he knew was that he was looking for that feeling somewhere. Someone had given him that feeling, that’s the way I look at it. Someone did something to him as an infant, when he was a little tiny baby, on the bed because that’s how people do it; they’ll do it to an infant with a diaper on. They will do that because no one can tell nothing, but I never told him like that. I would school him and let him know not to let people take advantage because he didn’t know. He was the cutest little thing, he should have been a girl. He just loved him some bouncy.

“People would say. ‘Wow, you and Johnny are always together, umm … if anybody can change Johnny, you can.’ I would just laugh at them. People would be thinking that me and Johnny were doing something. Me and Johnny (he was younger than me) thought it was so silly because I already knew what he wanted. When he was a teenager, he was doing the same thing as me and he had to slow down. He’s still so special to me. A person is going to do want they want to do or what they think makes them happy. I accept it with him, even little El, even with them. I guess because it wasn’t my child, I don’t know. I just want to pay attention to you to let you know. You got to be yourself. I look at how times is now, we all have feminine and masculine; we all do. Some people say ‘I’m just masculine’; no, we all have two. We really do; it’s just which one overpowers the other one. I have a recovery CD that explains that we all have a feminine side and a masculine side, and it’s all good. I used to listen to it so much and it helped me a lot.

“I can’t be around my son, even though I’ve grown and expanded so much, I know what he went through. I know the goal of theirs, I don’t know, yes I do know … he’s still part of something.

Even his little girl’s mother, she doesn’t want Musadi around their daughter without Jocelyn or Annetta. I believe something happened because she doesn’t trust Musadi with his own daughter. As a matter of fact, he did something to Annetta when she was little when we lived on Commerce Street. I would be the one to give Annetta a bath all the time because Jocelyn would never do it. One night when I was giving her a bath, I was washing her, washing her really, really good and she did something she never did before. I washed between her legs and she said “oh grandma, oh grandma, let me do you, let me do you.’ I was sitting on the floor, by the bathtub, and that just blew my mind, ‘let me do you, let me do you.’ I looked at her and asked her who was playing games with her. She was so excited—it was like ‘wow … it just hit me when she said ‘let me do you grandma, let me do you’. I kept washing her, and she told me that Musadi would play tickling games with her. I told the people at the 4 Cs because Jocelyn wasn’t paying attention. They ended up telling DCF, and Musadi wasn’t supposed to be around Annetta.

“Whenever he would come and visit Jocelyn, and I came there on that weekend—he was sleeping with Annetta, and that never left me what he did. So I slept in that little bed too; we were all in there together. I don’t know ... I’m kind of concerned about my great grandchildren because Jocelyn doesn’t pay attention to this stuff or she lets things happen. I don’t know; I don’t know what Jocelyn’s choice is either. Kids will play, but … if it is, it is, but I think about my greats because if Musadi was to come there, Jocelyn would leave him there with them, and go and do whatever she has to do, and they’re little. That’s another reason why I don’t get involved. I know what he did to Annetta and I know what he was going to do to me. I don’t know what kind of relationship Jocelyn and Musadi have, I don’t know, but I know incest is in the family.

“There’s incest in the family and my grandfather was an incest. My mother’s mother told me about it. He always had sex with all of his kids. He had a child by one of his daughters. Moom was the baby, she went with Diddy, and she had her first child at age thirteen because she didn’t want her father doing to her what he was doing to the boys and the girls. Moom was always around Diddy’s family. She would be with Diddy behind the field and stuff, and they would stay together because she didn’t want her father to do that to her. The boy that my grandfather had with one of his daughters—the slave owner was pissed off about something with David and he was the one who told David that his grandfather was his father. He told him that his grandfather raped his mother and that hurt David really bad. David was so angry with Grandpa Jessie. One night, they sat down and had dinner together. David even let Grandpa Jessie smoke his last cigarette after dinner. He was sitting by the window, behind him, he waited until Grandpa Jessie finished smoking the cigarette, and then went outside and blew his head off. It’s in the family. They don’t talk about stuff like that, but I’m alert to it. I’m grateful that I know these things, but everybody else runs from it, but you need to know. You can’t shove it under the rug. It is what it is.”

It sounds like the pattern of abuse and trauma is continually passed on from generation to generation if it’s not healed or talked about.

“They don’t talk about it and they pretend it doesn’t happen. Nobody can say anything anymore, so the next generation doesn’t know. Children to children, they won’t know where it came from. I’m so glad that my Grandma Charlotte told me things. I’m just glad and I told my son, James, and Jocelyn so much. Jocelyn uses it as a weapon, but that’s okay, that’s okay. I thought she was going to be my best friend, but it ain’t like that. I never knew that she envied me as much as she does. I now understand that it’s attention, especially when I’m around. As a matter of fact, she told me that when I’m around, I get everyone’s attention. We are who we are.

“My son, James, has anger issues. One thing I realize is that children fail to understand that their parents went through a whole lot of stuff too. Parents had trauma and we pretend that we are so strong for our kids, that we can conquer anything. I was the toughest mama. Everybody wanted me to be their mother. I think that’s the envy of Jocelyn and James because all the kids would come talk to me about anything. They envy that I was nice to them, especially when things were happening and disappearing. James would say ‘yeah, you were nice to so and so and so and so, where they at now when you need stuff’, and I would look at him and it would hurt. All those kids are down South and if they were here, they would be there for me. I’ve met Center now—if there’s something I really need, he really does provide. He’ll guide someone to me because everyone that comes up, is sent from Him.”

What have you learned through these experiences with Musadi, getting clean, and arriving at where you are now in your life?

“Everything happens for a reason. It’s to strengthen you, to accept others for who they are even though you have been taught it’s supposed to be so and so’s way. There is no supposed to be no certain way but the way it is. You can’t plan anybody’s life. You don’t know anybody’s emotions. You don’t know other people’s desires, except for what they tell you, but it may not be true. I have learned people are who they’re supposed to be, they’re in their own process, if they’re not running from themselves, but it’s up to them. We can’t make anybody. We don’t even make ourselves. We might have intentions, but the thing about that is, nobody is that way, but being in the presence of an individual and know that if it could only be another way, but it can’t be another way the way you think it’s supposed to be, to please you. That’s what I’ve learned. I learned that this life, my children’s lives, anybody’s life—it’s what pleases them when they’re ready. When they’re ready—what will be revealed. You can see something and you don’t want it to be that way, and sit and wait for it to change to something else, but it isn’t supposed to change to something else. All I can say—with Musadi and all of my children, I planted the seed in spirituality and the Word.

“My son, James, has faith in Jesus, but as far as what the Bible says, James ain’t having it. My son, James, is something. He’s like an old soul. He feels like the Bible, how man switched the purpose of the Bible, to control people and they’re slaves. That’s where my son, James, is. James feels like how man has changed so much because of the books they’ve taken out. He doesn’t believe every word in the Bible. It’s a control thing and a negative fear thing, not a positive fear. I always felt that he was going towards … Allah is God, Buddha is God, he’s got different names.

“Jocelyn just isn’t into it. She’s not there. One day I asked her why she doesn’t go to church with me, and she said that she didn’t like the church that I go to because if she went to the church that I go to, people would see who she really is. I looked at my daughter and said to myself ‘God, who is she?’ It reminded me of something my mother had told me once. My mother had told me that I named her the wrong name after we had moved down South. She asked me why I was calling her Jocelyn, and said that she was a jackal and I should have named her Jacqueline. I told her that her name is Jocelyn and she said “I don’t know who you think she is”.

“One night I was watching Animal Kingdom and they were showing jackals and hyenas, and I thought about when my mother told me that I should have named Jocelyn Jacqueline. They were talking about jackals and hyenas. I said “wow” and now I see it as an adult. I wanted Jocelyn to be the way I saw her, but that’s not it. Her father was an atheist and she is an atheist, but she likes to portray that she really isn’t, but she is. He was an atheist and so was his sister; they both were atheists. They didn’t believe in God and we had nothing in common. With Jocelyn, I tried to make her who I wanted her to be.”

How did that work out?

“Not good at all, but my relationship with her is fine now, but when she sees me, it’s her time. I was downtown recently and saw her coming down the street. I called out to her and when she saw me, she ran the other way. She’s always been like that. I am who I am; I’m spiritual. I’ve always been that way, even when they were kids. In my house, I played a spiritual station; I love to dance. When I hear songs and dance, all those love songs, the only person I think about is Jesus. The love is in you; you don’t have to look for it. You are love, and just be you and expand the love. Me and my children – they’re on their page.”

What have you learned about yourself?

“What have I learned about myself? I’m a compassionate person. I care about others and sometimes I think I care about others a little too much and put myself on the back burner. I always put others in front of me. I always did … I always did. I would do without because if it weren’t for me it’s not going to happen. All that I have learned? I say within the last three years, I’ve learned more than I have in a lifetime. I really have. There were so many secrets, secrets, secrets. When I was a kid, I was told ‘you can’t tell anybody’. That’s a tough thing to say to a child, ‘you can’t tell nobody’. Then, all you’re going to do is think about it … you’re going to think about it and it’s going to play over and over in your head. I guess that’s why I’m so expressive now.”

Secrets can make us very sick.

“Yes. For real. Then you find out the secret was exaggerated. My grandmother would say to me all the time, “it’s a good thing you weren’t born when I was born” and I would ask my grandmother why she always said that and she said “because they would have lynched you.” I think about that every now and then and I think about other things that people have said to me now as I’m an adult. I remember when I had vocabulary words and I think I was in the second grade, yep Mr. Haynes’ class, and one of the words was lynch. I was the first one to raise my hand up when he said lynch. I thought my grandma meant they would beat me, so I said it meant to beat you, and someone else raised their hand, and said that it meant hanging. I was in shock. It shocked me. Oh, that day troubled me because I couldn’t believe my grandmother would say that … they would hang me.

“One day when I was in high school and something happened. My Uncle John, my father’s brother, had come to stay with us. He was always so cold to me all the time, but I loved him because he would always make ice cream when we went to Brooklyn. That’s the only thing I loved him …him making ice cream. One day after Uncle Calvin had passed, he called me a witch and said that I wished Calvin dead. I looked at him and told him that I did not. Then I remembered years ago, Nana was in her garden and I was sitting on the porch, watching her in the garden. She came back and took her little boots off and I said ‘gosh Nana, I hope Uncle Calvin dies before you do’ because I didn’t know what was going to happen to me and I always felt that I didn’t have anybody. He died first and he was my tie. If it wasn’t for him, I would have still been in New York all those years because Nana didn’t want me after I got pregnant. Uncle Calvin was the one that wanted me to come back with my little girl, but he went first, and I felt so guilty. That’s when I decided to go to my real Momma. She got answers for me and I’m so glad I did. 

“I thank God for my Nana—she told me a lot. She didn’t really tell me, but she was on the phone all the time, talking about stuff, and I’m glad I was there because, even though I was a little kid and they think children don’t have ears, I’m glad I was there to hear. I needed to hear stuff from my mother, for real, because there were things my mother knew and it removed the anger. It was all good. It was all to make me whole. I’m not whole, but I’m on the way.”

If you could give your younger self, when you were a little girl, some advice coming from the woman you are today, what would you say to her?

“Stop being so hardheaded because you don’t know it all. I used to like to read. I was always reading something all the time. Yep, stop being so hardheaded because you sure don’t know it all.”

Do you have a favorite quote that you’d like to share? Anything that someone has said to you or something that you’ve read, even a verse from the Bible?

“Nothing formed against me shall prosper.”

What does that mean to you?

“Anything negative won’t interfere with my purpose. Whatever is supposed to be is going to be, if it’s meant for me. I don’t have to chase it. I don’t have to make it happen because life just happens. Oh, I have another on: It is what it is.”

What does that mean?

“Same thing … life is going to be. You have to go with the flow. You have to find a way, acceptance, not to be content, but acceptance.”

Do you think that it’s possible that by sharing your stories and experiences, in a way that is honest, could potentially bring someone else some hope and inspiration, in whatever they’re going through, they’re not alone in whatever they’re going through?

“Oh, most definitely. The things I have shared—I’m not the only one that went through this. I know there’s many people that have gone through similar situations and they think ‘oh, it happened to me’, or the whole if and I should have. That doesn’t get it …ifs and should haves. Like the saying goes, if I coulda, woulda, shoulda, what would I do? Go with the flow. You have to move on … You have to move on. I could wish that something didn’t happen, but it was already on my path from when I was in my mother’s home. Can I handle it? I got to in order to be who I was made to be. Sure, there’s going to be pain, but there’s no ‘why me?’, why not me? It is a rough road and there’s going to be a rougher road, challenges. That’s what life is; it’s a challenge … every day. I look forward to challenges, especially what I just went through. That was a challenge and I saw my growth through that. My growth of faith and believing that Center has me and my soul has all the answers. Whatever you want to know, all you gotta do is listen within. All of the answers are inside of us. You don’ have to run around, asking this one and this one. People may have suggestions, but they may not be the suggestions for you. Those are their suggestions, but when you just get quiet and listen, not to your head, because that’s the wrong place to listen. Listen to breath. Breath has some strong words, some strong, solid, low words. Once you get that understanding—life fulfillment … there’s no end. It may not be what you expect, it’s just what it is. I am.”

How has it felt to share these feelings and experiences with me today?

“It felt good. It felt freeing and just to know that I’m not the only one. In the beginning, when we first started, I thought to myself, oh my God, I hope this doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings; that’s what I thought at first. It happened and it’s true. It’s not true just in my sight, I can look at it now. I didn’t exaggerate it. I don’t care who judges me because I lived these things, and there’s going to be more, but I’m ready because I’m not doing it by myself. I’m not who you see. I am not these clothes. Wow …if a person could just see me now. They’d have to put their shades on. Yep, I feel like it doesn’t matter, because this helped me. This has helped me. It doesn’t matter who believes it. I have lots of stories, but that one … that was the bottomless pit where everything started falling off the sides of the pit, all the rocks and boulders, the sand and dirt, so much fell. That was it, and I thought it was all this other stuff, but that’s where my bottom began. It began because it was so much deeper. The depths never ended and that’s what opened the bottom of the world. That’s when all the anger and revenge came out, but it all worked for the good, and that’s true. It may not feel good but, in the long run, when you look at it, it’s for the best.”

#abuse #trauma #addiction #homelessness #prison #recovery #healing #journey #mentalhealth

[heartsofstrangers]

[heartsofstrangers]

What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

“Coming out.”

Tell me about that.

“I always knew I was gay, or I always knew I was different, or something, I don’t know what. I didn’t really know gay was a thing for a while. And then once I learned it was a thing, I was like that’s definitely me, but it was always something that was never talked about. So I still always felt different, which is the case for a lot of people. I don’t know why I had a tough time with it. My family never said anything bad about gay people or anything like that.”

Did you grow up in a religious family?

“We weren’t really religious. My mom’s family was all Catholic, and we grew up going to CCD. I’m a confirmed Catholic, but I don’t believe in anything. It was just because that what we were supposed to do. I don’t think that’s what gave me a hard time. I’ve just always been a closed-off person, so I felt like I needed to keep that to myself.”

Was there a point when keeping it in started to have a negative impact on your life?

“Yeah, high school. I definitely began to shut everyone out. Most of my family because I was embarrassed or I didn’t want to embarrass them, even though I knew they wouldn’t be. I think I was more embarrassed. Probably still am. That’s why I blame everybody else.”

What do you mean by blame everybody else?

“For whenever I am angry or why I don’t necessarily feel comfortable.”

You mean comfortable in your own skin?

“Yeah. And then in high school I really shut people out. College, did a lot of drugs. Smoked a lot of weed. Probably still smoke too much weed. Anything to not have to think.”

Where does your mind go to when you’re thinking?

“Just loneliness, I guess. Yeah, just feeling alone.”

How long have you felt alone?

“As long as I can remember, really. It’s just always been something I’ve had to hide.”

The fact that you feel alone?

“I think the fact that I felt I had to hide that I was gay forced me to keep everything in, which now that I keep everything in makes me feel alone, or lonely.”

Is there a fear attached to letting it out? What would happen if you let it out?

“I don’t know. I have a fear of people leaving me. That probably makes little sense. If I do share something, then maybe it’ll force someone to not want to be in my life.”

Has that been something you’ve experience at some point in your life, where you’ve shared something personal or vulnerable and the person has left?

“I definitely had people just walk for what seems to be no reason. Growing up, I was always moving around, so I never really had a lot of friends until I met the friends I have now, and they’ve been my friends ever since. I just have a fear of people leaving, I don’t know why.”

It’s ironic, because it seems like your fear of people leaving is the very thing that is isolating you and making you feel lonely.

“Yeah, definitely keeps me from making too many new friends, because my mind says what’s the point? It’s just going to end eventually.”

You mentioned you moved around a lot, was that in your childhood?

“Yeah. We moved nine times before I was in first grade, because of my dad’s job. He’s retired now, but he worked for a big corporation. They would buy a smaller company and he would go in, basically rip it apart, and then we would move onto the next place.”

It must have been difficult to start at so many new schools and try to make friends.

“Definitely making friends, because it’s already not easy. Especially for a kid—or maybe it’s easier for a kid.”

What was high school like for you?

“It was pretty normal. I tried my best to seem straight. Trying to talk differently, dress how I thought you were supposed to dress. How a straight person was supposed to dress. Pretend to like girls and talk about girls. Stuff I never really cared about. I just forced myself to be fake, and I think that’s why I have no interest in it now.”

When did you recognize that you were attracted to guys?

“I want to say probably middle school, late middle school. When people started talking about crushes or actually dating, middle school dating, whatever that is. I thought guys would just pick a girl and that’s who their crush was.”

Did you feel pressure from your parents to have a girlfriend and to be involved with someone?

“No, never really. I mean, they’ve always asked, ‘Are you dating anybody?’ that type of thing. But never why aren’t you dating anybody or stuff like that. No, they never really forced any opinions on me, which is why it baffles me that I just have such a hard time with it. I didn’t come from a house where that should have been the case.”

Sounds like you must have had some expectation of yourself that you felt like weren’t meeting.

“I guess I set higher standards, higher bars for myself.”

Did you think you could be straight if you wanted to, or if you tried hard enough?

“Yeah, I thought I could fake it. I feel that it’s that thought that drove me more into depression and separating myself from everybody.”

Do you remember what that depression felt like?

“Miserable. You don’t want to talk to anybody, you don’t want to move, like get up or leave. It was just ‘I’m going to be at home and I’m going to smoke this weed and I’m just going to sit here and watch TV because that’s what’s comfortable right now.’ Then that just became all the time.”

Did your parents show any concern that you were kind of slipping into the shadows?

“Yeah, they did, and then whenever someone asked me if I needed help, I tend to just push them away, and go farther into my corner, which I am working on. They definitely noticed and even that was painful for me, because I knew they were wanting to help, but I wouldn’t let them or I didn’t want them to. My mom still, it’s kind of painful to see her, because she knows I am still depressed and she doesn’t know how to help. It kills me that I make her feel that way.”

So even though you’re trying to hide something she can see it.

“Yeah, and even now that I am not even hiding anything, she still knows whenever I am depressed, and that’s not what I am trying to hide.”

How are you coping with it these days? Any differently?

“I am definitely better with the whole gay thing. Just time helped. I would say I am still depressed, but not like how I was in the past. Just time and learning how to be comfortable with myself, or trying to learn. Every day helps a little bit.”

So you’re depressed, you’re isolating, you’re kind of comforting yourself in the privacy of your bedroom, numbing yourself with TV, in high school smoking pot, parents are concerned you’re not really letting them get involved. You go on to college. What does that look like?

“Pretty much a continuation of what that was in high school. I do more drugs, probably harder drugs than just weed. Coke. Molly. Acid. Shrooms. Anything to get my mind off of whatever. Ativan. Xanax. Stuff like that. When I felt like I needed something to be around people and have fun, or for people to see me as fun, because I am a pretty quiet person. I felt like people saw me as boring, so I needed that extra whatever. And then when I was on that stuff, I would talk to anybody and have a great time, but then the next day I would be in my room again.”

That must have been quite a roller coaster.

Yeah, I guess. At the same time, I was like every gay guy goes through this, so I just felt like an idiot for being so down about it, and that’s what got me more depressed. There’s so many other people that go through it too, why would I feel sorry for myself on that?”

So on top of being depressed, you’re shaming yourself and judging yourself for feeling the way you did? Did that help?

“No, not at all.”

Were you able to get through college?

“I did, and I even graduated #1 within my college/school.”

How’d you get through it?

“Just alone, for the most part.

Were the any moments where you felt like giving up? Were you able to let someone in?

“Thought about giving up, but I felt like at the same time, while I would have wanted to, I just always went back to my mom. I could never do that to my mom, so I guess that’s what kept me.”

Sounds like you have a connection with your mother.

“Well, growing up with my dad’s work he traveled a lot. He was a great father when he was around and provided everything. We had everything in the world, but for the most part it was me, my sister, and my mom.

So at what point did you reveal that you were gay or felt you were gay?

“I was a senior in college when I told my parents. I was home. We had just had dinner and I just felt like I had to say it right then. When I was saying it I cried and then they cried. Then they were like yeah we had an idea and all that, and it was fine obviously. I was pissed at myself afterwards for not coming out sooner. I was just pissed at myself for that.”

Sounds like you’re pretty hard on yourself.

“Yeah, definitely.”

How did it feel to let that out and to cry and have to your parents cry?

“It was huge.”

Must have felt like quite a release.

“Definitely. And even building up to that, I came out to my sister beforehand, before them, about a year before. She had a gay roommate. I knew she’d be fine with it. So that was kind of like my first sense of feeling comfortable with it was when I came out to her.”

Had you had experiences with men leading up to that?

“Just like Grindr hookups or something like that. No real dating or stuff like that.”

Sounds like a lot of physical transactions.

“Mostly.”

Did you find any sort of emotional connection with anyone at any point?

“At one point, with one person and then at the time I wasn’t out, so I pulled away before it went too far.”

How about friends-wise? Did you have any friends that you could be emotionally vulnerable with?

“I’m sure that I could have, but I wasn’t. It’s just not ever who I was. I mean the type to open up, then if I did that secret, if it is a secret that’s out there and then if they were to disappear then who knows. It’s that type of thing too, I guess.”

So you’re a senior in college, you have already come out to your sister a year prior, you’ve had some experience with men, you had a history of using drugs and alcohol to make yourself feel more comfortable to not get trapped in your thoughts and to feel accepted. What happens next?

“I don’t know. Trying to figure it out. I just need to be more open to talking to people. I think that’ll help me. Trying to say yes to more experiences. Leave my apartment every now and then.”

Is that your safe place?

“Yeah, definitely.”

How did you make the friends that you have today?

“Most of them have been my friends for 20 years. I don’t really know. Just over time they’ve come into my life and the good ones have stayed.”

Do you feel like they see you and accept you for who you are? Can you tell them if you feel like you’re drowning, or if there is something weighing on your heart?

“Yeah. I could definitely tell them that, not sure I do but they are that type of people.”

So at this point if your life, now, how are you coping with still feeling depressed and uncomfortable in your own skin sometimes?

“Well there are still days when I feel like when I feel like I need a . . . I don’t do hard drugs anymore, but I still smoke and kind of curl up in my room and do nothing. Separate myself but in a healthier way. I do try to see a therapist as much as I can, although it’s usually just a staring contest.”

Really?

“I need someone to ask me questions. I can’t just talk.”

Did you choose to see a therapist, or was that something that was encouraged?

“It was encouraged, but it’s a choice now.”

Who encouraged it?

“My parents, mostly. Doctors. I think trying not to separate myself is the biggest thing going forward: like stay in the group, go out on Friday, talk to people. I guess even if it is small talk.”

Sometimes it can be helpful when it comes to talking to new people to try engaging yourself in things you find interesting so that you’re around people that you, hopefully, have a shared interest with—something in common—and that can often create some equanimity. Even the feelings of loneliness are a commonality that every human being has: experiencing loneliness, that kind of hot aching loneliness. You never know when looking at our social media feeds.

“I know, it doesn’t help anything. Yeah, I’m surprised more people don’t talk about loneliness.”

It’s a driving factor in addiction, depression. Even diseases, they say there are studies that show people who are lonely are more sick and die earlier. The same is true for people who are isolated, because you can be lonely and still be surrounded by people.

“Right.”

But also there are people who are isolated, who are not around people, who are experiencing loneliness as well on top of it. Do you feel like the age we live today, with social media and all these different ways we can connect with people in the blink of an eye from all over the world, are helpful as tools to connect with people and to create relationships?

“I think being able to connect with people is a good thing. Where I think it has a negative impact is the pictures. You only see the perfect picture, so that’s what you think their life is and that’s what you try and get your life to be, which never works, so it’s only cause for disappointment. It has its good and bad.”

Have you learned anything about yourself over the years through this process?

“Probably. I don’t know what. I wish I could say that I was a stronger person.”

Why can’t you say that?

“I don’t know, I just don’t think I am. I feel like I let my depression defeat me a lot or I let it win rather than working through it, and talking to somebody or going out, or occupying my time. I just get lost in a bad thought and crawl up into a ball. I think strength would be being able to move past that.”

I consider strength the willingness to lean into it and to acknowledge it. Strength isn’t necessarily that we just pull up our boot straps and carry on. Strength is developed through acknowledging that there is a wound or there is pain to begin with, to be with it and to feel it.

“That makes sense.”

It takes strength. Does it comfort you at all to know that there are others who share the same feelings and emotions, even though they may have different reasons?

“Yeah, definitely. It just goes back to . . . it would be nice if people were just upfront about it.”

When I asked if I could interview you, you really didn’t hesitate at all to say yes. Knowing what I know now, it’s a pretty brave thing for you to do, to communicate on this level when you’re inclined to keep things to yourself.

“I was trying to say yes to more.”

How is that changing your life, if at all?

“Well, I am just starting. I would love to see, but so far I’m happy when I say yes. I think it’s a good thing.”

Is there any advice you would offer to your younger self, maybe if your self today could have a sit and chat with your 10-year-old self, some words of wisdom, comfort, or support that you would might offer your 10-year-old self?

“It’s perfectly okay to be yourself. Just be who you are, because every time I do something embarrassing, I’m embarrassed, but nobody else notices. That’s the biggest lesson: just stop being so embarrassed to do anything, or worried about being embarrassed, or what other people think.”

At the end of the day, the most important thing is what you think of yourself. You’re the one who has to live with you, and there’s no way to know what other people think of you. It’s actually not really any of our business to know what other people think of us. And the truth is everyone is worrying that the same thing: how they are being perceived or what someone else is thinking about them. It’s really not even about us. Is there a piece of advice or a word of wisdom, or a song lyric, or a quote from a book, or a meme, or something that someone has said to you that sticks with you that you would like to share?

“Can I think about it and go back to it? I don’t know off the top of my head.”

We can come back to that. How has it felt to talk about these feelings and experiences with me today?

“Nerve-racking but good. It’s not something I ever really do. It’s good to say it out loud. I think it’s something I should do more. Yeah, definitely nervous, even though I didn’t hesitate to say yes.”

Do you think it’s possible that by sharing your feelings and experiences with me today, someone listening to this or reading this may be able to benefit and know that they are not alone, gain some hope and inspiration?

“Maybe a little bit. I didn’t really offer any solutions but, I guess knowing that you’re not alone in that sense of the word.”

#comingout #sexuality #vulnerability #loneliness #depression #authenticity #connection #mentalhealth #heartsofstrangers #comfortzone

[heartsofstrangers]

What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

“I think it has been to accept myself. Accept all my flaws and who I really am. I am starting now, slowly, to re understand it, but before I had been struggling a lot and I still do sometimes.

“I guess it’s also because of my job. Because I am a dancer, it’s always a lot of putting on a mask. Trying to always be strong and perfect because we always aim for perfection. So every time I would see a flaw in myself, which is always because I am very critical, I would get upset, or depressed. So that’s not good. So then I slowly think with age and understanding myself more I am starting to understand it and fight it and actually accept my flaws and make them be something actually better for my dancing for example or my art.”

Does that sort of mindset bleed into others areas of your life? Is that something you experienced before you got into dancing?

“Um, no. Because I have been doing dancing, like professionally, since I was 15. So I think I haven’t been able to actually think about it. Throughout my life, that’s why through the last year, like the last six years I started to acknowledge it and it started to affect my life, because I didn’t know what was going on. I wasn’t actually taking the time to acknowledge it or analyze it. So I think that when it hit me, it was like ‘Okay, slow down, you have to understand what is going on with you.”

So how do you manage that with trying to achieve perfection in dance but not have that bleed into the rest of your life?

“Well, it’s very difficult. (laughs) I actually am realizing that it’s more an internal search. It’s actually more about myself. Sometimes I felt judged by everyone else, but actually my kind of judgment was coming from me. For example, this summer I came out to my mother. Just saying that I am gay, a huge weight was lifted. My body changed, all the blockage I had that was making me injured during my ballet career slowly disappeared. I am feeling much happier. I am feeling much stronger. I think this is one of the acceptance of my own self that I was trying to avoid, or I didn’t know what I was. I have been confused as well in that area. Because I grew up Catholic in a small town in Sicily, in the south of Italy. I grew up not knowing it even existed, homosexuality and or being with a man. So for me that was really difficult to acknowledge. I am still struggling with it a little bit, but feeling better about it.”

When did you start to feel like there was something different about you that you weren’t seeing represented around you?

“I think I knew since I was a child. I always had fantasies in my head, and these pictures, and I was attracted to my little mates. I was just repressing it and not accepting it. And what’s funny is that throughout the years until I was 19 or 20, most of my memories were erased. I did not remember anything that happened in my childhood until I started to really talk with people or friends. Slowly stuff started to come out, and come to my head. I realized that I wrote a journal when I was 12, and we were in a little house of just men. I wrote in this journal all my fantasies. I totally forgot about that. I don’t even remember me thinking or feeling that. I think with time I am accepting everything that happened in my past.”

What kind of messages did you receive from your upbringing with your religion, the culture of your family or your environment in terms of what was okay and what wasn’t okay?

“Especially in my little town, there’s a lot of judgment. Now I think it is getting better because the world is getting more open. Especially Italy, because it has always been closed-minded in that sector. It was difficult because we use the word homosexual or stuff like that in a fancy way all the time, but also as a joke. In Italian for example, especially in Sicily, there is a lot of jokes about using homosexual words or homosexual adjectives, but it’s not meant in a bad way sometimes. But it still is kind of hurtful. It was really difficult for me to hear my uncles say something like that and I was right there. They were expecting me to laugh with them but I couldn’t. I couldn’t also say anything, I’d be frozen because I knew my mom was next to me. I didn’t want to upset her or anyone else around. Also, because I don’t live in my little town anymore since I was 15, I didn’t want to leave a weight for my mother to carry, because she is still in the little town. People are judgmental and so on. But actually she was fine, because once I talked to her I realized that she was totally open with it. She was totally okay, and I don’t think she would have had a problem if I had said something. So the issue, all of the situation, was mine, without knowing it.”

It sounds like it was your fear. Now, you mentioned your mother several times but you didn’t speak of your father. Was he not in your life at that time?

“Well, not really. He passed away about 10 years ago now. I don’t even remember exactly. I think the last year was really difficult for me because he had cancer. I was not at home. I was always outside. I would see him once a year usually. My mom managed to bring him to see me different times where I was working, but I did not know that he was in a really bad situation. I was really young, so I didn’t want to accept it. Of course, I was trying to stay close with him, but the last moments of his life he looked like he aged like 20 years. He was looking skinny and really sick, and I couldn’t handle it. I was escaping. I was really not actually staying there and supporting him or my mother. This killed me. This was killing me actually in all these years. I managed to accept it just a few years ago. I finally spoke with my mom. In my family we never really speak openly about how we feel, and that is an issue. So I felt so guilty for about 8 years. I still do feel guilty, of course, because I feel like now I would be there more. I would be stronger to be able to assist him or not to leave my mother alone. Back then I was just escaping and I couldn’t face the reality. After I managed to actually go up to my mom and say that I was sorry and I was feeling really bad, I started to feel better. It is something that I cannot take back, unfortunately.”

What was your relationship like with your father while he was healthy and you were young?

“We were actually very close when I was younger. Then when I left to Italy, at the beginning it was okay, but then I think maybe I did start to realize I was gay. So I could feel like he was distancing himself. But this was actually the last year of his life. I can’t really combine the two things. I did know he loved me very much, because it is thanks to him that I am who I am, that I became a dancer and I could do everything that I am doing now. I am just upset because I never managed to tell him anything. I never managed to really say who I really am. So I don’t know if he would have really accepted me or not. That is really difficult.’

If you had the opportunity to say something to him now about who you are, what would you say?

“I don��t know. It’s difficult. Already with my mother it was more of an explosion. I could not hold it anymore. I was just feeling uncomfortable. I just had to tell her everything that was going on in my life. So once I told her, ‘Mom, I think I’m gay.’ I had to start to tell her everything. ‘I’m living with my ex-boyfriend in the same apartment.’ Stuff that I couldn’t share with her before. I think that is what I would want my father to know as well. It would be more difficult because the male persona in Sicily is much more closed-minded than the woman. The men are much more into judgment. I guess it would have been more difficult for me to open up. I don’t know what I would say if he was in front of me right now. I guess I would just scream it. I would just burst it. (Laughing)”

You mentioned you wouldn’t be a dancer, or in the career of dance, had it not been for you father. What inspired you to become a dancer?

“Actually it is a funny story. I was in karate and taekwondo. My sister was dancing, and her school came to do a class in the same gym where I was doing my taekwondo. My father said, ‘Wait for your sister.’ So I just sat and watched, and then the teacher called me up. It was like children’s dances, and like a little bit of salsa, and macarena. And I loved it. So I came back home and said to my dad that I want to dance. Without any question my father said, ‘Okay, fine, just go to the dance school tomorrow.’ So I started to do that. Thanks to him, he started to ask around what I would need to do to become a famous dancer without me even knowing He managed to get me an audition for a very famous school in Italy, where luckily I got accepted. They manage to actually sustain me outside of Milan. From the age of 15 to 20 I was living in Milan thanks to them. They were supporting my whole life. Otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to go anywhere, if I didn’t do these five years in this very good school. So I owe it to him completely, and my mother of course.”

It sounds like even though you grew up in a small area or small community with a lot of religious influences and a lot of male judgment, your parents were very supportive of you as you evolved and showed an interest in things that made you come alive. I think that the fact that they supported you and your dance is probably a good indication that if your father was still around, he would be very much involved and supportive of your life. It’s sort of that male stigma of being tough, closed-minded and unemotional. Growing up in that area, finding your calling with dance and then coming to terms with your sexuality, where did you find yourself once you left home? You were in school, what was that experience like with dancing?

“I think that in the beginning for me it was liberating. I felt that I was on my own. I felt that I was free and could actually make my own choices. I guess it was maybe overwhelming at first. I was actually breathing again. I think I was feeling like I wasn’t being myself in my little town. Once I went to go live alone, I started to be more open with myself. But it did take time, years.”

Did you meet any resistance from your siblings or friends in terms of their having an adverse response to you kind of owning your sexuality or also pursuing a career in dance? Both go against the mainstream for a white male to align himself with homosexuality or ballet.

“That’s actually funny, because in Sicily they are very open-minded. All my family has supported the fact that I’m a ballet dancer. All my uncles, grandparents, no one ever rejected anything. But my lifestyle, my haircut and everything, then yeah. I already have heard complaints from my uncles and my father, for example, when he came into my first apartment in Germany. I had my own apartment, so I was very excited so I hung a poster of Michael Jordan’s back in my bedroom. (laughs) The first thing that my father said when he came in was, ‘Take down this black shit.’ (laughing) And that was the first time that I stood up for my sexuality. I said, ‘No, I fucking like that.’ But then we forgot about it. I guess that was the only time there was a main confrontation. But right now I feel like I should be able to confront with someone. I would be more comfortable to talk with my family—my mother, my sister and my brother. I kind of made a hint to my brother, and I think he understood. I think he knows. For me they are the most important people. So if one of my uncles doesn’t accept it, I would just say, ‘Fuck you.’ But I guess it would hurt, because I care also for my uncles.”

How do you deal with this in relation to your religious beliefs? With you being Catholic, it’s not embraced really. A lot of people will use the bible as a weapon to put people down, call them sinners, or send them into further shame and silence. Have you had any sort of reckoning with that?

“Well, yes. Last week I was talking with my grandmother. She asked me, ‘Where are you living now?’ I told her, ‘In Belgium, and I got a new house.’ She said, ‘Is it a nice neighborhood?’ and I said, ‘Yeah, yeah it’s in the center, there are three churches. It’s really nice.’ She said, ‘Oh, so you can go to church,’ and I said, ‘No, I don’t.’ Then she asked, ‘Why don’t you go to church?’ and I told her, ‘I don’t practice Catholicism.’ The only reality she has is you go to church every Sunday. You go to church on Christmas and get married and have children. I was surprised because she was like confused, kind of like ‘no, this is not possible, this is not the reality.’ Then she was taking her time and said, ‘Wait. That’s strange, I have to see there is another possibility,’ I think I left her with thinking about something else. But apart from that, I never go to church. Just when I was baptizing my niece, the priest asked me to confess. I refused. There I got judgment. He got really angry with me. He was like, ‘Oh well, then you are not going to get communion, you know. You are going to have to confess if you are going to baptize your niece.’ I said, ‘I don’t believe in the church and I don’t want to confess.’ So that was like the main confrontation, and my mother was just a bit upset. She said, ‘You could have just confessed.’ And I said, ‘No, it’s fine. She was okay after. I guess no, I haven’t had much confrontation about that.”

Where have you arrived in your spiritual and religious beliefs yourself? Where are you today?

“I am really detached from any kind of religion. I just believe in the present and I believe in the moment of the now and what’s going on. So I can’t aspire to something that would bring to some future or that would bring me to my past. In my opinion, if there was a god, a lot of things that happen in my life would not have happened. If I really think that the gods would bring me somewhere, then why do they make us suffer? That is my way of thinking. So I do not believe that there’s some entity. We create our own past.”

Did you grow up going to church every week with your parents?

“I was going sometimes when I was really little. With my grandparents actually. They believe in Catholicism but they don’t go to church often. So I think that’s why I didn’t get any resistance, because they also didn’t go for Christmas. They don’t really practice the church, but they get the baptism, communion, and weddings. So it’s more because of that. Or like a loss of our loved ones, they organize a mass like once a year, or three times a year. They go to this mass when they can, just to honor the dead ones.”

Speaking of masses, I know your father passed. It sounds like it took you years to process that grief. Or perhaps you are still processing that?

“I still think I am processing it. It is strange. Also I wasn’t there, so you know usually I leave and don’t see them. So it was weird because I have lost already a few people in the last few years. Every time I go back there is one person less. It is a really bad feeling because it’s not like I was there seeing what was going on. Maybe it’s better because I don’t see them every day and then they are gone immediately. So maybe from this point of view it’s better, but at the same time it’s weird for me to process it, because I am not with them. I guess if I was seeing the struggle of my mom, brother, and sister trying to get through a day, I would probably be able to also be with them and help them fight it instead of trying to avoid it. Which is what I did for years. Don’t think about it and that’s it.”

When it did start to hit you and sink in, what was your emotional response?

“I was of course really sad and really angry at myself because of the situation. I thought I couldn’t be with them. I couldn’t really support my father or my mother. So I think I have been really angry at myself. Really upset.”

Have you been able to come to a place where you can forgive yourself that you were not there?

“I don’t know. I think I do forgive myself a little bit because I do realize I was really young and I was really weak. So I really couldn’t handle it. I don’t think that makes me a bad person. I wish I could have been there, that’s my main regret.”

I wanted to talk a little bit more about your coming out. The way you described it made it sound like there was almost an eruption of emotion and frustration. You couldn’t carry that weight or that burden anymore. You just kind of exploded. What were the ways that you moved forward after that? How did that change your life? I know you described at one point that you felt lighter and you were having fewer injuries in ballet, and maybe it had some other physical effects.

“I felt happier. I felt lighter. I felt happier because I think that was my problem to be accepted by everyone so I could accept myself. But I actually should accept myself, and that’s been my issue my whole life. I think I felt lighter because I felt like my mother accepted me. She was the most important person in my life. So I was like, ‘Okay, maybe I can accept myself. I can accept these consequences and who I am.’ I think that’s been the struggle throughout my life, the acceptance or realizing who I really am. I also had another crisis. I got injured a few years ago. The doctor told me, ‘You can’t dance anymore.’ And I was like, ‘Impossible.’ So of course my reality crashed because all I could really do was dancing. So If I cannot dance anymore then who am I? I had an existential crisis. I think what I was trying to do was to put myself in the situation of being a student, for example, and trying to learn something that would be very simple. Go to work in a supermarket or go to work in a shop, something like that. Live a simple life, and just stay with my boyfriend and make a family. And this was actually killing me, because it wasn’t what I wanted to do in the moment. It was because I was trying to become someone that I was not. So as soon as I left Germany and arrived in Belgium I exploded. I started painting, because my artistic side had been repressed for three years. I had thought I could be a non-artist person, but I realized that it was a part of me. I have to create. I have to move. I have to perform. I have to be related to art and an art form. I think it doesn’t matter which one it is, but I think I have to have a connection to it. I was trying to not accept that side of me, of being an artist. And being maybe extrovert sometimes, be a bit crazy but also an introvert, because I’m insecure and just be who I am. That’s it. So I’m fighting with that.”

It sounds like having a connection to these outlets is keeping you connected to who you are and what makes you feel aligned, what brings you meaning and purpose to your life. I too can relate to that kind of deadening feeling of not feeling aligned with what makes you come alive, the internal conflict of that. You can only repress for so long before something explodes or breaks. Then everything is a mess. And it can be a liberating feeling. So where are you now in your life? Are you in a relationship? Where do you see yourself?

“Right now I am single. My dancing career is going very well, and I have been dancing very nice roles and amazing pieces. I am really excited about where I am at right now. Also my art career as an artist and painter is going very well. I think I am in a very good place. I am very happy, and I think I found myself being happier with myself. It’s making it easier to open up and be closer to someone else, which before I couldn’t do either. So I think now I guess I’m open to any situation that could come along and see where it’s going to bring me. I am actually excited for what’s going to come next. I feel like I have accomplished a lot and I am really happy about that. I can keep doing that. But also if something else comes along or swipes me off my feet then let’s see what happens.”

I met you earlier this afternoon, here in Miami. Typically I am the one who approaches strangers, asking them some questions like if I can photograph them and potentially interview them. But I didn’t have my camera with me and I didn’t have my recording device. You actually were the one who approached me, and here we are. Everything that you have shared with me about your own challenges and the internal struggles you have overcome and are still battling resonate with me. I feel like I needed to hear this as much as you needed to share it. I thank you for that. I am curious: As you have gone through these experiences over the last 15 years or so, what have you learned about yourself? Is there something that you are surprised by or taken away from this winding road?

“I have learned you have to accept yourself for who you are. You have to be truthful to yourself; otherwise, you are not hurting anyone else, you are just hurting yourself. Actually accepting who you really are and trying to not get upset when you make a mistake makes you feel better and brings you to a happier place. A few years ago I thought I will not be at this place. So I guess this is where I found out about myself.’

What advice would you offer to someone else, either to your younger self or to someone else who is feeling like they are afraid they are not going to be accepted, or they are struggling to accept themselves? Someone who is afraid to pursue something that makes them come alive because it’s not an anticipated path that one might take or should take. What would you say to that person?

“If I could, I would give them a hug and I say first of all it’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to feel like they are feeling. The only thing is to accept it and go on. Aim for your goals, because it really is where you put energy into that brings you something. So if you really want something, you can always achieve it. It just depends on you, and of course it might take longer or less time. It might be difficult. It is never easy. Nothing is ever easy. So that’s what you have to bear in mind—it’s going to be a challenge. You have to be willing to do it. Otherwise, if you don’t achieve your goals, or if you don’t feel good about yourself, then it doesn’t make sense. Right? I would say, just be yourself and fuck every kind of judgment. If someone else is looking at you with weird eyes, just smile and walk. Just be yourself. I realize it actually is really powerful. It is actually the most powerful thing I have found so far. It brings everything to you. You don’t have to look for things. As soon as you accept yourself and you have your feet on the floor, automatically you can walk and run and go forward.”

A lot of people say that. I think sometimes we dismiss it as being cliché, but being who we are is one of the most courageous things we could potentially ever achieve.

“Yes, because in this society no one is really who they are, unfortunately. There’s really a few people that are sticking with themselves.”

We talked about that just a little before the interview, just about our abilities to censor our lives now through social media and to filter out the stuff that makes us feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. The cost of that is that we are putting out an un-genuine, inauthentic version of ourselves. It makes it very difficult for us to then create meaningful connections with each other, because it’s just a very shallow, thin layer, a facade of who we really are. So, yeah, I think being true to who you are is one of the most courageous things anyone can do. Unfortunately, I know this was true for me, and I think it was true for you as well. We spend a lot of time searching for someone to teach us how to be who we are or to show us how to be who we are. Just like any other in thing nature, there is no one who can teach us to bloom, or a flower how to grow, a tree to grow, or teach an animal to know what to do. It comes down to instincts. We are born we these instincts. You sound like you discovered something inside you that you felt a connection to. It says “create, move, paint, create, dance.” And you’re responding to that. The universe continues to open up and provide opportunities for you to do that. I think that is a true testament to both courage and faith. If you are willing to step forward, the road will rise up and meet you every time. But it’s not going to come knocking at the door. You have to put your foot down first. Do you have a favorite quote, or a song lyric? Something that someone has said to you that is powerful and resonates with you that you’d like to share?

“No, not really. Right now nothing comes to my mind, a quote or something.”

Is there something your father said to you that is something memorable to you?

“No, not really. I forget a lot (laughs). I forget very quickly as well. I don’t have something in my mind right now that I would tell you.”

Who’s a painter who inspires you? Or a dancer?

“Van Gogh. I love his art. And actually when I was young, I was painting like him. I bought all these colorful ‘fill’ books. They were from Van Gogh, and I just loved them. I was painting at home. Whenever I was feeling depressed or after my dad died, the first thing I did was buy a canvas with colors and a pencil. It has always been related to my life, but I never accepted it. I did not know that it could be a thing. Within the last few years I realized it is more than a thing. It is as strong as performing on the stage.”

Is there any other last bit of sharing or a message that you would like to communicate in closing this interview with whoever may be reading or listening? Something else you would like to share?

“Yeah. I know it is difficult, but try not to have fear. Be fearless. Don’t think about the future or the past, just accept the present. Live in the moment. That is what I can say. That is my motto. (laughs)”

To live in the moment.

“To live in the moment.”

That is a mindful practice. To be where your feet are.

“Exactly. And then the rest will come.”

#awareness #authenticity #courage #connection #wellbeing #heartsofstrangers

[heartsofstrangers]

What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

“Leaving a toxic relationship . . . toxic engagement.”

It sounds like a title to a movie or a book.

“Yeah, sounds like a rock band, doesn’t it? That was tough; that ended October 1st. It was one of those things where I kept trying to leave, but we were just so attached to each other because we were living together. I worked from home and she owned a yoga center. So, whenever she came home, I was home. We always did everything together. It was nice at first, but then she was very insecure and became very controlling. I say this after checking my ego; it wasn’t me. I was never controlling of her, but I was attached to her. The way that I left was kind of cruel, but I had to. She went to visit her family in Brazil for three weeks. We were on thin ice because she would always argue with me and I’m not an arguing person. I got really tired of it, so I said, ‘Victoria, when you go, I will not give you a single reason to argue with me, so please don’t.’ In my head, I said if she finds a way to argue with me, then I have to leave. On day 2, she got mad at me for some reason, so I packed up my stuff and left while she was in another country. I didn’t see her, and that was about two months ago. I just saw her a couple of days ago because I think we both needed some closure. I just had to do it; I had to do it that way, because I knew that if I waited until she came back, I would fall back into the cycle.”

Tell me how you got into that relationship.

“It was beautiful, like a fairy tale. She was the owner of a yoga center and I always viewed her as a goddess, a queen. She owns the yoga center, she’s beautiful, she’s so knowledgeable, and very kind but, also at the same time, very firm, which I like. I like confidence in people and I always thought that she was out of my league so I never tried. Then I did the yoga teacher training, which is six days a week, so I spent six days a week with her and I got really close with her, me and a couple other people in the class. I mustered up the courage to ask her to spend time with me outside of class, and it went really well. She kept saying that she couldn’t break that student-teacher promise that she had with herself, and I was like, ‘Yes you can, it’s okay.’ She was insecure from the beginning, but I felt that I could fix it, ‘I will be the best man she could ever have.’ I said to myself that I’ll be the best version of myself that I could possibly be; I will fulfill her needs and there will be no reason for her to be insecure; that should have been the first red flag.

“Everything happened so fast. I was also in another toxic friendship with my roommates at the time, a lot of drinking, a lot of irresponsibility; it was like a big party house. I was also being disrespected all the time. My roommates were just mean people. Victoria and I had been together for about two months and I had already been staying with her basically every night because I didn’t want to be at my apartment and she was like, ‘Why don’t we just move in together?’ and I was like that sounds fuckin’ great. So, two months in, we moved in together. In hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best idea, but we moved in together and that’s when it started to go downhill.”

What was the first sign that it was going downhill?

“I could never make her happy. At first I could, but then it was can you help me with this, can you do that, and I love helping people that I love. She asked me to help with things for her business, multiple things a day (her responsibilities for her business); instead of receiving a thank you, a hug, or a kiss, it was another demand. When I put my foot down and said, ‘I’m sorry I can’t help you with this,’ that was our first big argument. I said I have my own life and my own responsibilities, and I can’t spend all my time taking care of yours. I told her I would help her when I could, but I couldn’t do multiple things a day to help her business. That was the first sign, really.”

Did that feel uncomfortable for you creating that boundary, living in her space (I’m assuming you moved in with her)?

“Yeah. I was always very respectful and mindful of how I lived with her in the beginning and in the middle too but, towards the end, we resented each other, so it was different. I always made sure the toilet was clean, the bath was clean, and the dishes were done. I respected the fact that she let me stay with her there very, very much. We were in that spot for about two months and she wanted to move. I told her that it didn’t make sense to move out, as it was a nice place and we were both really busy (she was opening a new yoga center). I told her that it wasn’t a good idea to open a new yoga center and move in the same month. She was really adamant about it and went and signed a lease without me knowing about it and told me ‘we’re moving’ and I was like ‘what?’ So, this is where the control started to come in . . . I forget what the question was.”

I was just curious if it was difficult for you to define that boundary with her, knowing that you were in her space, essentially sharing.

“Yes, it was. I was grateful that she allowed me to move into her space and I wanted to help her as much as I could so, of course, it was uncomfortable for me to say no to something she asked me to do. However, it was every day, multiple things, and it started to affect my business and my own well-being. It was hard to put that first boundary down and there was a lot of resistance from her to that boundary; that made it even more difficult.”

Was there ever a time where you felt that she would just toss you out?

“No. We were very attached to each other. She never wanted me to leave the apartment, ever. She always wanted me there. I alienated myself from my friends and family because, if and when she came home and I wasn’t there, it was a big problem, which was cute at first, but it got old fast. I like spending time with somebody I’m with, but she really wanted all of my time. I appreciate how much she loved me but, at the same time, I had other people I wanted to spend time with. However, she took that as I didn’t want to spend any time with her.”

Do you feel there was emotional abuse in the relationship?

“Yes. She was what is called love showering. She would upset me somehow or we would get into an argument and, once she realized that she was in the wrong, she would give me gifts, cook for me, cuddle with me, and spend the whole night doing whatever I would like, and that was definitely emotional abuse. Also, the biggest thing she would say to me was ‘you don’t love me, you hate me, and you’re cheating on me.’ Those are three big emotional abuse tactics, I guess you could say, and then it would inevitably lead to an argument. ‘Yes, I love you,’ ‘no you don’t.’ Of course I love you very much; no you don’t, you did this, this, and that, and then it would move forward. Or, you hate me and I would say, I don’t like the word hate, so don’t say the word hate; well, you hate me or you’re cheating on me, fucking other girls; I spend all of my time here, how could I be cheating on you. I don’t think she really knew what she was doing; I think she was so wildly insecure that that’s all she really knew. That was definitely emotional abuse.”

How did that feel to have her confine your life in such a way that you felt you were isolated?

“I began to resent her very quickly. I began to plot ways of leaving her after we had been together for eight months, but I had such a high image of her in my head for years of being suited, and thought that this must be a phase, there must be something wrong here. What was the question again? I’m sorry, this gets me emotional.”

I was just curious how that felt to be put in a box.

“My parents told me I was like a trophy to hold, dust off, and then go back to work. As a result of that, I would do really irresponsible things to lash out. I’m very energetic, so my energy would be kept in and I would do something crazy. We would have a big blowout argument and then I would go and do a bunch of drugs for a night, or go out and get drunk for a whole night, or do something stupid.”

Had you had an experience like this before in a previous relationship?

“No, never. I’ve only had one serious relationship and one kind of serious relationship, but I’ve never experienced this before. It was very weird. I’m still kind of learning what love is, but I know that wasn’t it.”

At what point did you and she become engaged? When did that happen?

“I will say a lot of tension on the relationship was due to the fact that I would have to leave for three or four weeks at a time. I understood and told her that this is the way it is, and if you can’t handle it, I respect and understand if you want to end the relationship. Somebody very close to me needed help, so I had to go and help him, and she didn’t understand that. I’m sorry, what’s the question again?”

The engagement?

“Honestly, I thought I was losing her, so I did it as a Hail Mary. I flew down to Miami during our one-year anniversary and I proposed to her where we had our first kiss, because I felt the relationship dying, but I was so attached to her. I thought that it was a good idea, and it really wasn’t, and then she held that over my head; ‘propose to me again, I didn’t like the first proposal. I didn’t like it, it wasn’t good enough for me.’ I look back and laugh at it; I laughed at it in the moment too, but only of its absurdity. It’s so stupid; I should have left long ago.”

Why didn’t you? What do you think kept you there?

“The lifestyle. I was very attached to her. I was very attached to Miami. I was very attached to Synergy, the yoga center, and she was kind of my ticket to all of that. I stayed for so long because I thought I could make it work somehow, and that was that.”

You mentioned that she was away, you gave her an opportunity to kind of not initiate a fight with you, like this is it, if you initiate a fight . . .

“I didn’t tell her that I was going to leave, though. All I said was, ‘I beg you, please don’t give me a reason to argue with you or for you to argue with me.’ I didn’t tell her I was going to leave if she did and said to her, ‘I promise I will not give you any reason.’ It was something stupid—I called her late at night, because I forgot about the time difference; it woke up her mom, and she got mad at me for that. I’m like, ‘Let it go, please let it go’; I really didn’t want to leave, I really didn’t want to leave, I really didn’t. I wanted to stay and make it work.”

It’s like you had already decided in your mind that one more straw on the camel’s back is going to break it.

“Right. Another thing was she drove me to a point once where I broke a glass frame, held the glass to my wrist, and then tried leaving her for the first time. She copied that behavior where she broke a wine glass, held it to her wrist, and said that she was going to kill herself. That’s why I left when she wasn’t there; I didn’t want to risk that again or at least be there if she was to do that again. I know that sounds terrible, but I got to the point where I had to look out for myself. It really changed who I was. I view myself as a very bright ball of sun. When you try to put a box on that ball of sun, it bursts forth, eventually it cracks and a beam shoots out. For me, instead of positivity, I would do something fuckin’ crazy; it would drive me to do some crazy shit. The whole glass thing was definitely so out of character for me. I love myself. I would never kill or hurt myself, I never have, and never thought of doing it. It was weird.”

Did it work in getting your message across to her?

“No. She was afraid of me for a couple of days, understandably so. I had something in my head—I had the glass frame, shattered, and I was like, ‘Fuck, I have to clean this up.’ I was so emotionally charged up at the moment, my hand was shaking visibly, and I was having completely irrational emotional thoughts. I was thinking ‘well, she fuckin’ hates me, she must want me to fuckin’ die or kill myself, and I can’t live without her.’ So, that makes sense, it was stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. I found the biggest piece of glass I could find and held it to her face; it was stupid, it was very dumb. Then she did the same thing to me; she copied that behavior when I tried to leave her. When she did that, I slowly made my way to her and then, when I got close enough, I grabbed her wrist and pulled it away. Then we spent the night together so I could make sure that she wouldn’t leave; I stayed up most of the night. I don’t think she meant it. I think she was copying what I did and she didn’t know what she was doing. There was a lot of stress on us because we both had businesses, and both of them were suffering. Combine that with a broken relationship, we were both sane doing insane things, very out of character. It feels good to talk about this; thank you.”

You’re welcome. You were at a place in your life where you were doing some really irrational things and you were probably able to recognize in that moment that they felt out of character. Did it inspire you to do anything, to change anything?

“I would just feel more anger towards her, but now I realize it was anger towards myself for allowing it to happen and allowing myself to stay there for so long. It didn’t really inspire me to do anything because I felt so enraged all the time and couldn’t think clearly. It was so weird because when I was in the apartment, it was hell and when I left the apartment, it was heaven. It was South Beach; I could go skateboarding, go to the beach and go swimming. So, it was really weird. I’m very lucky because I have great parents and they really love me. When I finally mustered up the courage to tell my parents what was really going on, that’s when I said ‘I need to live’. My dad told me that if she hurts herself when you’re there, you’re going to jail, and I was like, fuck, you’re right. My parents really inspired me to leave; my friends, too.

“Previously in my life, in order to make a big decision, I needed to have validation from multiple people. I would get it from my parents and my friends (many of them), and they all said, ‘yes, this is right, leave her.’ Now, I’m working on not needing validation to do things. I’m coming along okay. Back then, I really needed validation, especially with her; my only validation came from her for a long time. It was like, ‘hey, is this a good idea? no,’ then I wouldn’t do it, and most of my ideas were bad anyway. If it didn’t involve her or helping her somehow, it was always a bad idea. My physical self deteriorated; I let my beard get all big (beards look good, but not on me). My hair grew long and my physique shriveled to nothing. I was living in Miami, but I was very pale. I wasn’t flossing and wasn’t regularly showering. I was just a shell of myself. It was weird. To think that was only three to four months ago, it really shows me the power of how long a month really is; a month is a long time. It’s been four months since I left.”

Looking back on the state you were in, would you recognize that as being depressed, suffering from anxiety, abusive relationship . . . how do you see that on looking back at it?

“I don’t know yet. Because it was such high emotional highs and such low emotional lows, I don’t know what the word to describe that is. She meant a lot to me; she showed me a lot; she showed me yoga; she showed me traveling. We went to Peru together. We went to Costa Rica together. I will say that we did a lot for each other. I did a lot for her and she did a lot for me, and that’s really nice and I’m very grateful for that; but we also did the opposite to each other. We did really good things to each other and we did really bad things to each other. So, I don’t think it was depression. I don’t think it was anxiety. The right words were confusion and anger. I don’t know what mental state that is, but confusion and anger combined with a lot of love randomly.”

You finally work up the courage to leave her, but it sounds like you don’t feel good about the way you left.

“No. It was my only option. Looking back on it, I got validation. Here’s the situation and they were like ‘this is the only chance you’re going to have to do it like this.’ Also, to move out of someone’s place it’s not like a two-hour thing, it takes a couple of days. I actually did move out of her place once, and I did the same thing. She went to work and I just packed up all my shit and left, but then I moved back a week later because I missed her so much, and that’s why I knew I had to leave Florida because I moved down the street the first time. If I had moved back to Connecticut at that time, I would not have moved back. That’s why I knew I had to leave the way I did. I wouldn’t say I regret it and I won’t say I like it, but it was the right thing to do for both of us, because now she’s happy with somebody else, and that’s great. I’m happier, much happier, grown so much, and learned a lot about myself. I’m really glad I got closure the other day, because we laid down together and it just didn’t feel right. I went there, she started crying and we laid down on the couch. I just felt bland; I didn’t feel love; I didn’t feel anger. I didn’t feel anything. I think she felt the same way, so it was good to get the closure. As I told you before, even after I broke up with her, she would argue with me every day, calling me and texting me terrible things, so I blocked her on everything—Facebook, Instagram, text messaging, and Whatsapp; everything except for email because I don’t know how to block email. Once I did that, I think she got the message. I had blocked her for a good two months, maybe about six weeks, and I unblocked her, told her that I was in Miami and I wanted to see her; it was good.”

Tell me about those weeks, or months, that you leave her and come back to Connecticut. What does that look like?

“I got to the airport early so I could get really drunk. I almost got sick on my flight because I was drinking so much. I landed with a hangover because I fell asleep and then I went out to go drink again. That whole month was just a blur of alcohol and Adderall, if I could get my hands on it; it’s tough to find. I did it for work so I didn’t feel anything. The first month was bad. I was a regular at a bar; I wasn’t myself. I’m a yoga instructor. I’m a light in people’s life. I can’t be in a dark bar, eating this poison, eating this terrible food all the time.

“I got really plastered one night, woke up with a terrible handover, and said ‘I need to stop this.’ Nobody told me to stop what I was doing because I was pretty good at hiding it. I just knew that I had my fifteenth chance (I’ve been given a lot of chances in my life) to really get myself together and make my own life. I’ve always had roommates and then I was living with her. This was a chance for me to really build myself and do what I want to do, not what other people want me to do. So, it was just like a snap; I’m done. I stopped drinking and then I quit caffeine. Together, that was really hard. Mainly because the alcohol was something to do. I had all of these emotions going through my head, and it got me out of my house. It got me kind of social. Alcohol has a numbing effect so I wouldn’t feel the emotional pain. Then I would reward myself with greasy, terrible food, it was vegan, but it was French fries and whatnot, and it wasn’t good. I just needed to stop and start cooking for myself again because my skin was breaking out all the time. I was pale, had long hair, and a big beard. I didn’t look good and I didn’t feel good.

“I started taking care of myself. I slipped a couple of times. I went out, had a drink or two, and got a little bit drunk. Overall, I massively improved, massively, although the first month was really tough. I think I had sex with somebody, or a couple of people, I’m not sure. I think I just called up an old booty call, just to get it out of my system. Oh, yeah, I remember how it went: I actually drove to Misquamicut and it was unconnected, no meaning, just getting it off for old time’s sake. The connection we had wasn’t there anymore, so it was even more depressing.

“I started taking care of myself for a month steady. Somebody really nice came along, it was an old friend; but then she was emotionally unavailable and that didn’t work out. That was a huge test for me because I was doing so good with not drinking, no caffeine and no sugar; I felt that pull to go to the bar. I felt it in the pit of my stomach, just fuckin’ go, just fuckin’ go; you’ve been so good for so long, just go and get drunk, and I said no, I’m going to do something more crazy; I’m not going to have sex for three months, and I put it on line and not release, and that made it tough. I think social media can be great or it can be terrible, and I try to make it great. Holding yourself socially accountable to something really helps me. So, I put it on line that I’m not having sex for three months or I’m not doing this for a while, and I say to myself, if somebody sees me in a bar, then they know I’m a liar and they’re not going to listen to any of the good things that I say. Instead of going out to bars, I go to another extreme. Now, I just keep doing extremely positive things, which is good. It’s good for me and for others. As a result of this, I read more books, I write a lot more, and I write music now, which is cool. I had never written music before. I’ve played guitar for about ten years, but I had never written a song until that girl went back to her ex-boyfriend.

“Everything’s much, much better now. It was really hard because it was like two break-ups. Even though I wasn’t with the second girl long, there was a really strong emotional connection and we had been friends for eight years. To finally make that work, it was so random, she was spending every day with me, we were having a great time together, and then all of a sudden she said I can’t see you anymore after three weeks of that; so it was like two breakups; but I also jumped in too quickly after the last relationship.”

Looking back on those relationships, it seems like there were some similar behaviors. You had said the last girl you mentioned was emotionally unavailable, and we had chatted earlier and you recognized that also exists within you, that you’re emotionally unavailable, and perhaps that’s a mirror.

“Yes, I see that. Another good thing is that I’ve eliminated anger with her; I let that go. Instead of being angry with that girl, I never was angry with her. You seek your own level, if that makes sense. Whatever you put out, you get back; it’s the law of attraction. These things that she is experiencing, I am. She was emotionally unavailable, and so was I. Another girl I dated four weeks after that, same thing, she was emotionally unavailable, and I’m still trying to figure it out. I always hung out with them and I was always very present when I spent time with them. I was very passionate about Missy and I wore my heart on my sleeve. I was like ‘I like you and let’s spend more time together.’ I don’t know how that’s emotionally unavailable, but there’s probably a part of me that is, but I just don’t recognize it yet. I know that it’s in me because I wouldn’t attract these kinds of people if it wasn’t. Like you were saying before, a big thing for me is understanding that people are near, and I knew that when I was with Victoria, so that made me more angry because I thought why can’t I fix myself and why am I putting her through me, if that makes sense?”

Where are you finding yourself now at this point in your life?

“I’m on the biggest upward spiral that I’ve ever experienced in my life in terms of business, physical self, educating myself, self-care, self-love, the friendships I have, and how I spend my time. Every aspect of my life is doing so good, and I’m so tempted to fuck it up. I’m so tempted to, I don’t know, reward myself and go out and get really drunk, but I know myself, I know that if I do that, it’s going to reverse the upward spiral. It’s just the little villain within myself that’s had control over a lot of my life. I don’t want to say that I have control over it, but I’m eliminating it. I don’t want to control anything, I just want to get rid of things, and I’m trying to get rid of those attachments I’ve had towards self-destruction.

“I’m great now. The last person I dated, the whole thing that happened—I wasn’t upset about it; I was just like ‘okay, whatever.’ Mainly because it’s probably unhealthy in a sense. I’m so busy that I’m putting my energy into my business. I like it because I put energy and time into my business and I get a really good return, whereas I would put energy and love into somebody else and I usually wouldn’t get anything in return, so it’s kind of nice. But I have to watch myself to make sure I don’t shut out people and emotional connections entirely. I’m open to it, but I’m not searching for it. I wasn’t searching for Victoria when I first started dating her. I said to myself I’m in Miami, I’m not going to have a fuckin’ girlfriend in Miami; it’s the worst place to have a girlfriend.

“Now, I’m doing really well and in looking back on it, I should have left about eight months in. I think I was using . . . I definitely was using when I first started dating her. I was using a bunch of amphetamines because my other business was doing really well and I was up for days at a time, and I hid it from her. When things were getting more serious and I left that party household, I stopped using, but then my business started suffering and I thought it was because I wasn’t using. So I started using again, and then I used more because of me and what was happening with her. It was like this: I would use, then I wouldn’t use, then I would use when I was with her. The worse it got and I couldn’t get my hands on the drugs that wanted, I turned to cocaine. I remember once I did it for two weeks, every day in a row, to work, because my brain was telling me that in order to make money, I need to do drugs. Because I was doing so much drugs, I needed to make a lot of money. For two weeks, I was doing a bunch of blow. I would have headaches, I’d always be sniffling, and I would blow out scabs in my nose. My parents asked me what was wrong, am I okay? That’s when I knew that I needed to slow down. I got to the point where I stopped seeking, but if it presented itself to me, I wouldn’t say no. And then sometimes I would seek if I was really overwhelmed, and now I’m still at that phase where if it’s presented to me, I’ll probably do it, but not nearly as bad as it was and I don’t seek anymore, which is good. I’m really learning to value and appreciate myself and know that I don’t need those things to do great things; they actually hinder me from doing great things.”

That’s a really important observation to make.

“Thanks. It’s weird because when I was making a lot of money, I was using, and everybody I knew who was making more money than I was also using. So, it made sense, staying up for three days at time, watching your ads and testing products. If they’re doing it, I want to do it. Then it stopped working for everybody, but everybody kept using, and then I just stopped hanging out with those people, and that helped.”

Who do you find yourself hanging out with now? Do you have a core group of friends?

“Myself and my little sister a lot; she’s the coolest. She’s fourteen and she’s like my best friend. Honestly, I really spend a lot time by myself.”

What’s that feel like?

“Good. It feels good. I feel lonely sometimes, but then I jump into a cold pool and I’m fine. Cold stuff really helped me out a lot, man. It really helped me. It’s like a huge shock. Getting into that water and staying still, meditating in it. It takes so much will power and focus; when I get out, it washes away my anxiety and negativity. I also feel like I need to find a better business/life balance. This has happened to me before where if I’m not working, I get anxious. I don’t get anxious at the gym because I know that I need to go to the gym, but when I’m spending time doing something else and not working (like when I’m at the gym), I get anxious about not working. So, I need to hire somebody basically or something like that.

“Being alone is good, especially after being with somebody who wouldn’t leave me alone for so long. Going back to how I value myself: I really appreciate who I am and I don’t want to be around people who will bring me down. I want to uplift people. I view it like this—there are people who are influenced by other people when they walk into a room and there are people who influence other people when they walk into a room. I am making that shift right now, from being influenced to becoming an influencer. I’m finding it takes a lot of alone time to find myself, to shed a lot of karma and bad habits, and become really comfortable with who I am. That’s why I’m alone right now, and it’s not a bad thing. I’m very busy, and it’s good. Everything is growing so much; I don’t want to ruin it.”

It sounds like you’re growing as well.

“Yeah, thanks. Previously in my life, when I walked into a room, I made it happy and stuff; but, more often than not, I’d be influenced by the energy of the people around me, but I want to change that. I think about an enlightened master; you just sit around and listen. I want people to listen to what I have to say, but I want to make sure that what I’m saying is not coming from the ego. I want to make sure that what I’m saying is beneficial to them, if that makes sense. I’m alone a lot, reading and listening to a lot of masters on YouTube or whatever, educating myself, especially about veganism too; I’m learning more about that.”

If you could catch yourself at another point in your life, maybe before some of these things happened, perhaps even when you were a teenager, knowing what you know now, what message or wisdom would you impart to your younger self?

“Never pick up drugs, never. I was so against drugs my whole life. I had a retainer, after I had my braces that literally said ‘no drugs’ on it. I was soooo against drugs. When I started raving, I was known as a sober raver. I would never take ecstasy or Adderall, nothing. I would just go there and be so high off the energy and the music that I was fine. And then, it was a harmless mistake—I was really tired one night, driving, and my friend had a Vyvanse prescription and he said, ‘Here, take one of these and you’ll stay awake.’ It’s chasing the dragon, I think they call it in China, the opium. It’s been like that ever since. I got that really wicked, fuckin’ awesome high and I was so productive, happy, and talkative when I took my first amphetamine. Like anyone else, I would just take it when I would go to a party and then I would take it when I was tired and needed to work, then I would take it for days at a time. I’d stop for a week, then pick it up again, and then it got to a point where I would use it, at my worst was a three- or four-month period where I would use every day and I would be up for three or four days at a time and then crash for a day and a half. Then, I would wake up and the first thing I would do is take a 30mg instant release Adderall. It was right next to my bed. I would roll over and take it, lay in bed for ten minutes, let it hit, get up and go, and I’d be up for days. I guess if there was one point that I could stop myself, it would be to say no to that one Vyvanse pill, because that’s what really kicked it all off. That’s how all drugs are, really; it’s scary.

“I have a very addictive personality, although I have more control over it now. If I really like something or someone, I spend a lot of my time doing that thing or spending time with that person. I have control over that now, thank God; but, back then, I didn’t, especially when it came to using. I wanted to feel good all the time. It was many things—using with my friends, so that was good, the high felt good, I was making money at the same time, and I was living in a penthouse in Miami Beach. There were all of these really good feelings that I was attached to that got me hooked and, once everything left, I still wanted to use.”

Is it fair to say that Victoria was a drug for you, in a sense?

“Yeah. The emotional highs and lows—that’s a drug for me. When it’s high, it’s great, I thought it could always be like this. When it’s low, I was like ‘fuck it, I don’t want to be here,’ and then something would happen. It was so weird; we would be so mad at each other and then something stupid would happen and we would laugh, kiss and make up, even after a long argument with yelling and screaming. She was definitely a drug for sure. When she was happy, she was the best; she was so cool. She had a really thick accent, it was so cute; I loved it. When we were happy, we were really happy. She is so smart and everything. I was ready to have kids with her at one point. Thank God I didn’t. She was definitely a drug.”

Looking ahead on your life from here, what do you see for yourself? What’s on your map?

“Short term, I want to grow my business to a multimillion-dollar company annually, which I think I can do this year; I know I can do this year. As a result of that, I want to take care of my parents and move somewhere different. I want to have a really good work environment for my employees. I’ll be remote, but want to make sure they have good pay. I want to travel and see the world. Honestly, within five years, I want to have a couple million dollars in the bank and go off the grid. I want to get some land in South America, grow my own food, have an animal sanctuary, and detach from everything, including Wi-Fi, study yoga and meditation, learn, and have a big library. I’m talking in the mountains, away from everything, and be the way Mother Nature intended us to be and learn from the greatest teacher, which is nature. So, that’s probably in about five years; but before I do that, I want to have money in the bank, just in case. I would like to do that right now, but I would just come crawling back in a couple of months I know, so I want to make sure I’m financially secure before I do that. So that’s it: grow my business, move to the jungle, take care of my family, and maybe find love along the way. I’m not bent on getting into a relationship whatsoever, although I do miss intimacy, but that’s pretty much it.

“Do you know what the Bhagavad Gita is? It’s a well-known Hindu text between Krishna and Pandava prince Arjuna as they are about to go into war. There are a lot of metaphors, and basically one of the metaphors is that the chariot has five horses, which are the five senses. Krishna controls the horses, so he controls his five senses. I understand that touch is a sense, and I’m craving the sense of touch with somebody, but I need to control that and get that under control. So, it’s another test for me right now.”

Through these experiences over the last few years, what have you learned about yourself, anything that stands out?

“I learned that I have an addictive personality. I learned that I let things go for way too long. I learned that I need to be more responsible. All of these things I’m already working on. I’ve made such progress, but I also learned that it’s okay to stop spending time with certain people and people do change, and it’s okay to stop talking to them once they do change, and to move forward in your life. About myself . . . I think that’s pretty much it; I can’t think of anything else right now.”

Okay.

“More self-control and more standing up for myself, in a polite way. Like I said, I let things go for way too long. I lived with Gilla for too long, and she was emotionally abusing me for way too long. The same thing with Victoria. I have to learn to recognize those signs early on and to leave.”

Do you have a favorite mantra, quote, song lyric, or something that someone said to you that resonates with you?

“One that sticks out to me is a John Mayer lyric that says, I think I told you before, ‘fear is a friend that’s misunderstood.’ I was afraid to leave Victoria, I was afraid to leave Gilla, and I was afraid to leave Miami. As soon as I did, it was the best thing I ever did. A lot of really enlightened, smart people say that fear is their best friend, and that really helped me. I was afraid to stop using. I was making money because I was using, and I was afraid to stop using. I was afraid of a lot of things.

“Another mantra that sticks with me is a new mantra, Om Namah Shivaya. It’s a chant to Shiva, who is the God of destruction and change and a couple of other things, but change is the only constant. When I chant that mantra (it utilizes binaural beats), I chant it 108 times. It really helps me channel energy to accept and embrace change. Since I left Florida, there has been massive change. I’m single, I’m not living in the same space, and I’m improving myself. It’s a constant, constant change.

“Those are the two things that stick with me—accept fear and embrace change.”

I think fear is something we spend a lot of our lives trying to run away from.

“Yes, and we should be running towards it. The greatest things in life are found on the opposite side of fear. Someone else told me that.”

How did it feel to talk about these experiences and feelings with me today?

“Really good, because I feel guilty talking to people about it because I don’t want to waste their time. But if I’m going to help other people, I don’t feel guilty talking about it. Thank you very much for listening to me.”

You’re welcome. Do you think it’s possible that by sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences today like this, someone on the receiving end could potentially benefit from some hope or inspiration?

“Yes. I think so, because I heard something similar when I was with Victoria, and it was a seed. I didn’t take immediate action on it, but it definitely grew over time. So, I think that somebody listening could definitely benefit. It could be that seed for them; it could be that breaking point.”

#recovery #mentalhealth #mindfulness #yoga #awareness #love #relationships #growth #authenticity #heartsofstrangers